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Cracking Complexity: This is how you solve your toughest problems with David Komlos & David Benjamin

May 16, 2019 by Austin Fabel in Decision Making

In this episode we discuss how you can get smarter in a complex and complicated world. How do you deal with confusing and difficult situations? How do you work through some of your life’s most complex problems? In a world of accelerating change, how do you accelerate the quest for wisdom and creativity? We share simple, powerful, solutions you can use to handle complexity in this interview with our guests David Komlos and David Benjamin.

David Komlos and David Benjamin - they are the CEO and CTO respectively of the company Syntegrity. Mr. Komlos is an expert coach for leaders on solving their issues. He advises top leaders and enterprises on how to dramatically accelerate solutions and execution on their defining challenges. Mr. Benjamin leads Syntegrity’s lab and client delivery organization. He has been recognized internationally for his work on global strategic planning with top executives in Fortune 500 companies.

  • What is complexity? Why is it so important to be able to handle complexity in today’s world?

  • How is complex different than complicated? 

  • Experts can help solve complicated challenges, but not necessarily complex challenges 

  • Complex challenges are multi-dimensional and human.

  • What are some basic mental models for sorting complex challenges vs complicated challenges?

  • Ask yourself:

    • Has this been solved before? And how was it solved? 

    • Would this problem have been the same 5 years ago or 5 years from now?

  • Complex challenges don’t have a recipe or a discreet playbook to be solved

  • Planning a wedding is complicated, having a happy marriage is complex 

  • Building a fence is complicated, being a good neighbor is complex 

  • The Law of Requisite Variety / Ashby’s Law 

    • "Only variety can destroy variety"

    • You can only solve complex challenges by bringing an equal amount of variety to a challenge 

    • When we are facing tough complex challenges - we need a variety of experience and expertise 

  • “A Lion In Your Office"

  • Often a BIG chunk of the challenge is just SEEING the problem in its entirety 

  • An ounce of information is worth a pound of data. An ounce of knowledge is worth a pound of information. An ounce of understanding is worth a pound of knowledge. An ounce of wisdom is worth a pound of understanding. 

  • Shared understanding is essential - but we often rush to action before we get there 

  • We need FAST Wisdom and CREATIVE Judgement to solve our biggest challenges in today’s world - but wisdom takes a lifetime 

  • How do you accelerate the quest for wisdom and solve the world’s toughest and most complex challenges?

  • Complexity is the defining challenge we face in todays’ world

  • How do you engineer Fast Wisdom?

  • The framework you can use to engineer “fast wisdom” and solve tough, complex challenges 

  • N*N-1 Mental Model and how to create “collaborative collisions” 

  • The ideal number of a group of people to work in a group is 5-8 people - you can have very creative and effective collisions 

  • How you can create groups to crunch through tough, complex challenges - by using this specific formula

    • Observers

    • Critics

    • Members

  • How do you ask good questions when looking to solve tough challenges?

  • Homework: Think about a dinner party. What question will guide the conversation in the right way? Who would you invite to create variety? 

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Want To Dig In More?! - Here’s The Show Notes, Links, & Research

General

  • Cracking Complexity Site

  • David Benjamin’s Twitter

  • David Komlos’s Twitter and LinkedIn

Media

  • PR Newswire: RTI International acquires Syntegrity Group

  • Eye for Pharma: “Could Systems Thinking Solve Pharma’s Problems?” by Adam Chapman

  • [Podcast] Leveraging Thought Leadership With Peter Winick – Episode 101 – David Benjamin

Books

  • Cracking Complexity: The Breakthrough Formula for Solving Just About Anything Fast by David Komlos and David Benjamin

  • Cracking Complexity book site

Episode Transcript

[00:00:04.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[00:00:11] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success, the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than 3 million downloads, listeners in over a hundred countries.

In this episode, we discuss how you can get smarter in a complex and complicated world. How do you deal with confusing at difficult situations? How do you work through some of your life’s most complex problems? In a world of accelerating change, how do you accelerate the quest for wisdom and creativity? We share simple, powerful solutions you can use to handle complexity in this interview with our guests, David Komlos and David Benjamin.

I’m going to tell you why you’ve been missing out on some incredibly cool stuff if you haven’t signed up for our email list yet. All you have to do to sign up is to go to successpodcast.com and sign up right on the home page.

On top of tons subscriber-only content, exclusive access and live Q&As with previous guests, monthly giveaways and much more, I also created an epic free video course just for you. It's called How to Create Time for What Matters Most Even When You're Really Busy. E-mail subscribers have been raving about this guide.

You can get all of that and much more by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the home page, or by texting the word “smarter” to the number 44222 on your phone. If you like what I do on Science of Success, my e-mail list is the number one way to engage with me and go deeper on what I discuss on the show, including free guides, actionable takeaways, exclusive content and much, much more.

Sign up for my e-mail list today by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the home page, or if you're on the go, if you're on your phone right now, it's even easier. Just text the word “smarter”, that's S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number44-222.I can't wait to show you all the exciting things you'll get when you sign up and join thee-mail list.

In our previous episode, we discussed how you create your own reality. We explored the idea that your life experiences are not random or arbitrary, but rather a direct result of your subconscious beliefs. When the conscious and the subconscious conflict, the subconscious wins and you’ll never get over your past until you realize how you’re using it to justify yourself.

We dug into the powerful revelation that life only ever changes in the paradigm of action, that you must do something differently than what you’ve done before in order to change. In our pervious episode, we talked about all of that and much more with our guest, Gary John Bishop. If you feel stuck and you finally want to figure out why and what to do about it, listen to our previous episode.

Now, for our interview with David and David.

[00:03:24] MB: Today, we have another exciting doubleheader, David Komlos and David Benjamin. They are the CEO and CTO respectively of the company, Syntegrity. Mr. Komlos is an expert coach for leaders on solving their challenges. He advices top leaders and enterprises on how to dramatically accelerate solutions and execution on their defining problems.

Mr. Benjamin leads Syntegrity’s lab and client delivery organization. He’s been recognized internationally for his work on global strategic planning with top executives in fortune 500 companies. David and David, welcome to the Science of Success.

[00:03:57] DB: Thank you, Matt. Thanks for having us.

[00:03:59] MB: Well, I’m very excited to have you both on the show today and the topic that you guys address in your book, Cracking Complexity, is so interesting and something that when I heard about, I really wanted to get you on the show, because the world today seems like it’s more and more complex, and complexity is increasing. There’s all kinds of very dynamic, emergent situations and anybody who can create frameworks for dealing with challenging, complex, difficult, and I would say complicated, but I want to hear in a second about the difference between those things, situations, is something really interesting to me. So let’s start out with what do you consider complexity and why is it so prevalent in today’s world?

[00:04:39] DK: Great question, Matt. Complexity, typically, when you’re faced with a complex challenge, you’re faced with a challenge that needs to be solved fresh and where you need to align many people. What we refer to as a critical mass of people for execution. These are new challenges each time and there is no recipe, there is no playbook until you solve the challenge and align the people around the solution.

Contrast that with complicated challenges. Complicated challenges are challenges that are very tricky for the person seeing them for the first time, but they’ve been solved many times before. For example, if your car breaks down, that’s a complicated challenge. If you’re putting in a new accounting system, that’s also a complicated challenge. If you’ve never fixed a car before or ever put an accounting system in, the best approach is to take an expert-centric approach. Take the car to the mechanic. Bring in a consultant firm that puts in accounting systems 24/7/365. That’s the right approach.

When you’re dealing with complex challenges like what should your big data strategy be, or how do you take this product global, or how do you take cost out of the organization sustainably, or what should your innovation agenda be, or how do you grow faster, or how do you realize the full benefits of a merger? Those are challenges that are very multidimensional. They’re human challenges.

In order to solve them, you really have to bring a diversity of talent to bear to co-create something new, some novel thinking around what really matters, what’s really going to work, and you need to get those people bought in.

[00:06:19] DB: Yeah, and I would say that these days, leaders are facing not only increasingly intense complexities, whether leaders in the business context or social context. People, every day, are just facing heightening complexity, more moving parts, less obvious interactions and interdependencies, although they’re there. So what we talk about in terms of cracking complexity really applies today probably more than ever to anyone who’s trying to make a living, trying to be a leader and so on.

[00:06:50] MB: That’s a great point, and often, and I probably even prior to reading the book and talking to you two, would have thought that complexity and complication are essentially synonyms, but I think it’s a really important distinction that you bring up. This idea that complicated things are something that an expert – And it might be a lot of steps and a lot of detail, but it’s something that you could bring in an expert to solve. Whereas complex challenges are often a little bit more nebulous, a little bit more deep, a little bit more open-ended. Is that a correct understanding of it?

[00:07:24] DB: Yeah, that’s right. As we talk about the person confronting any kind of complexity, we tell them that where they need to start, where a leader really needs to take on a different mindset is where as we might have thought coming out of school or beginning our career that leader knows best, leader is the most experienced person, leader knows the playbook, etc.

The first step in getting your hands around the complexity is recognizing that you don’t know what you don’t know. This is not something you can control, whether you or a small group of people that you trust. It really is bigger than you when you’re dealing with something complex and sort of letting go of the control you’re used to exercising as a leader, whether a senior leader or an up and coming leader, that’s the first step.

[00:08:09] MB: So what are some basic heuristics or mental models for discerning whether we’re dealing with a complex challenge or a complicated challenge?

[00:08:17] DB: So we tell leaders that they should think about whether, first of all, has this been solved before? Has this repeatedly been solved? If you were to hire somebody to solve this for you, would they fix price it or would they time-and-materials it? That’s a good indicator that there’s some uncertainty on the side of expert. If there’s uncertainty on the side of the expert, it’s looking more and more like it’s likely complex.

We also tell people to think about whether this problem would have looked the same five years ago and whether the various technological and human dimensions of the challenge would have been the same 5, 10 years ago or are they going to be the same 5 years from now? Because again, likely, if they’re changing and if the dynamics are changing, if the moving parts are changing, you’re looking at something that’s complex.

[00:09:05] MB: That’s a great frame to distinguish it and the car example is a simple and understandable way to contextualize that, which is this idea of fixing your car is roughly the same, whether it was 10 years ago or 10 years in the future. Obviously, there’s some technological change there. But by and large, that’s a relatively static, though complicated, system. I was going to say complex, but it’s a static, though complicated, system. So you can develop expertise around it, whereas these complex challenges – Help me understand a little bit more how you would define or contextualize those and think about whether they’re dynamic, whether they’re merging, etc.

[00:09:42] DK: So, let’s go back to the car and the accounting system being put in, those examples. If you go to your mechanic and tell him or her that your car is broken, they’re going to ask you a few questions. What you’ve observed? Any sounds emanating from the car and so forth? They’re going to very quickly be able to isolate the problem. When they tell you that the car is going to be ready on Thursday at 4:00, you’re not wondering if that’s accurate or not. You have full trust that it’ll be ready. This is an expert. He or she has done this many times before.

Similarly, with an accounting system, the consulting firm you hired to put in the accounting system, you’re hiring them because they have the gray hair of having done that many times before. They’ll ask your organization questions to discern the differences from the other situations they’ve been in. They know what success looks like and they know what they’re going to install. They just have to understand the similarities and differences from their other situations to go and do the job for you like they’ve done for others.

But there’s a difference between putting in an accounting system and taking 10% out of your cost structure sustainably without undermining the customer experience and employee morale. Putting in an accounting system is a linear task, not easy and not inexpensive. But as I said, the people who do it and day out know what success looks like. There’s a real step-by-step playbook.

If you want to take 10% out of your organization’s cost structure sustainably without undermining the customer experience of employee morale, there’re many more considerations that you have to take into account. Where should you cut? What are the implications of the cut? Should you reallocate funds or should you just take wholesale 10% out across the board? What is this going to do to the customer experience? Which customers could be impacted the most? What will your sales force think about it? What will the people in your delivery organization feel about this? How are you going to rejuvenate morale for the people who are left once you’ve taken out cost, and so on and so forth? These are human challenges, and if there was a playbook, Matt, if there were recipes for how to do this, there wouldn’t be a multibillion dollar management consulting industry that’s striving. Leaders would be rising through the ranks, because they would have just tackled these challenges successfully the first time every time. We wouldn’t even be talking about the difference between complicated and complex.

[00:12:04] DB: Just to give you another couple of examples that really resonate with people. We like to say that planning a wedding is complicated. Having a happy marriage is complex. Building a fence is complicated. Being a good neighbor is complex.

Again, it’s that line between science and art. Complexity is much more of a creative endeavor. Complexity, you’re much more working from a clean slate looking for something new, versus the complicated where you’re following the blueprint, executing the checklist, repeating a solution that’s known.

[00:12:38] MB: That’s a great way to contextualize and distinguish it. So I want to zoom out and talk about a concept that you bring up in the book that will tie back into this, but it’s one of actually my favorite heuristics or mental model. So I’ve always found it really interesting, and long before I ever read the book or head or you buys, this was something that I found really interesting, which is the law of requisite variety. Tell me what is that and how does that factor into solving and dealing with complex challenges.

[00:13:04] DK: The law of requisite variety is among the top three eye openers I’ve had in my career. The law of requisite variety is also known as Ashby’s Law, named after Ross Ashby. It say only variety can destroy variety. Only variety can destroy variety, which means when you’re dealing with a complex challenge, the high-variety challenge, like how do we grow faster, or how do we merge better, or how do we deliver a world beating customer experience, or any of these multidimensional challenges that are complex high-variety challenges.

You can really only hope it to solve them at pace and at scale by bringing an equal amount of variety to bear on the challenge by bringing an equal amount of variety that matches the variety, the many facets and multiple dimensions of the challenger trying to contend with. The way you do that is by tapping into a carefully chosen diversity of talent from inside your organization and from outside your organization to collectively combine their experience, their knowledge, their talent and, importantly, their influence, to not only crack the challenge and come up with whether it’s a strategy a strategy, or an action plan an action plan, or a solution a solution. Not only do that, but also represent a large group of people from across the system, all the key influencers and stakeholders who are now aligned and mobilized for execution.

[00:14:42] DB: I think a really simple illustration, I’ll just add to what David said, which I like to use, because I do engage in trivia games, is if you’ve ever been to a trivia night or a bar with various teams competing in trivia, you’ll see time and time again that the team that wins is usually the group of strangers who are brought together, because they didn’t have anywhere else to sit and they were put together. That’s because when you’re sitting with your family members or close friends who you’ve known for a long time, there’s not requisite variety at the table. You know too much of the same things. You’ve had too much of the same experiences.

When you put a group of strangers together, even by accident, you’ll end up with much more variety and you’ll be able to match the variety of the questions, whether they’re history, science, entertainment, sports, etc., that are thrown at you. Again, that’s a very simple example, but I think illustrates the power of variety.

[00:15:36] DK: Absolutely. You know, Matt, when you think about this in the context of a leader, whether you’re an established leader or you’re rising through the ranks an up and comer. When you think about requisite variety, having acknowledged that you’re dealing with a complex multidimensional challenge, the thinking through requisite variety and who collectively represent all the individuals that I need to bring together to solve something, to bring forth their combined best thinking talent, experience, expertise and so forth, and who are all the right people that I need to get bought in. That is a very big mindset shift from the way many leaders power up in the face of complex challenges.

The kneejerk reaction is to either strike a small taskforce, or to bring in consultants to do the solving for you. That is very, very time consuming and it doesn’t get at all the facets of the challenge that need to be addressed. It goes well beyond – Requisite variety goes well beyond the need to be cross-functional.

When we talk about requisite variety in the context of an organization, whether it’s about a growth strategy or you’re a leader who’s launching a product or you’re overseeing a merger, something like that, who are the people inside the organization, the usual suspects Also, who are the non-usual suspects? Do I bring people in from the field? Do I bring some high-potentials into the conversation? Who from outside my organization do I need as part of this solving exercise? Do I need customers? Do I need a supply chain partner? Do I need a partner from McKinsey, or from Accenture? Because, potentially, the Accenture folks aren’t necessarily going to contribute the solution, but they’re going to hit the ground running on the technology implementation. Forcing leaders to think through requisite variety in full is what creates these special purpose teams that accelerate the solutioning.

[00:17:36] DB: I would add, having done this personally and directly with fortune 500 organizations and high-earn C-suites of those organizations and mixed groups in social settings, in governments, etc., there’s actually some science to this. This is not figure it out as you go. This is not go on a hunch. There’s actually a framework that you can use to think carefully about all of the – Sort of the geographical zones if you want, or the functions and roles that you need to think about with an overlay of personality types, stake, attitude and so on.

Again, where the experience that we can bring into a conversation with a leader really matters is when we’re pushing them, for example, to bring in the SYNNEX, bring in the people who are going to get your way later on if they’re not on board, and look for that person who listens for hours and hours very carefully to what everyone else is saying before saying one really profound thing. We mean all of that when we’re talking about variety.

[00:18:38] MB: Yeah, that makes a ton of sense, and I think how do you look at – And this is getting into a little bit some of the framework that you have for solving complex challenges. But how do you think about what actually determines variety and what kind of variety we need and how do we look at selecting and identifying the right qualities of someone that’s going to bring a varied perspective experience, expertise, et cetera?

[00:19:04] DB: We encourage the leaders who are doing this to, first, take a good look at their own organization, their own system, whatever that means. Whether that’s a business or some other setting that they’re involved in a sports organization. Think through the various functions and roles and divisions, the hierarchical level. Just set aside who the people are and just think what’s the right coverage? Again, be as minimalistic as possible while getting the right coverage. You don’t need every general manager from every business unit, but we do want representation from across the business units. So maybe I choose an IT person from one place, the leader from somewhere else and a frontline person from a third business unit.

Then pull back the lens and start to think about who’s on the frontline, and it’s often the frontliners who make all the difference in the world in terms of really connecting the dots for people who aren’t actually physically in contact with customers on a day-to-day basis, talking from them, hearing from them. So get the frontliners in there.

Again, [inaudible 00:20:05] maybe this is an opportunity to cover the geographies and really kind of go region by region and find some really strong frontline people. Then pull back the lens even further and start to think about the market and who best in my organization can represent the customer, and am I willing to actually bring the customer into the conversation, and what partners do I have who are there in the market with us who can really call out our strengths and our weaknesses and what they see going on as they work with us and other organizations. Sometimes going as far as thinking into parallel realities, what other industries and what other industry leaders that have nothing to do with us have been through this kind of challenge before who might really inform our thinking with the experiences that they had?

Then the last group that we really point people to think about, again, being as minimalistic, but holistic as possible, is the people who are going to have to execute, implement whatever comes out the other end. We say bring in that project manager and the communications person and the doers who are going to enact whatever is solved, because if they have full context, they’re going to do a far better job. So that’s sort of the coverage you’re looking for.

Then as I was saying earlier, then you look at the human beings and you start to look for personality types, experiences, other hats they wear and the way that they engage and their demographic variety. Always looking for that richest possible variety in a small group as possible.

[00:21:39] MB: That totally makes sense. Kind of striking the balance between a small as you can go, but still hitting that threshold for enough variety. It’s like the official frontier of variety basically.

[00:21:50] DB: That’s right, and there’s sometimes is not room for political correctness and who you invite. You might anger a few people who don’t make the list, but the importance is the variety. Not that everybody gets involved and feels good.

[00:22:06] MB: I want to come back, and before we dig too much further into the solutions and some of the framework that you guys have for solving these complex challenges, tell me about another mental model I found really interesting that I had never heard it before that you kind of paired up with the law of requisite variety, which is this idea of a lion in the office.

[00:22:26] DK: So this really gets at a universal truth, and we explain it as follows. Imagine, and take it seriously. Imagine that you walk into your office one day. Round the corner and confront a lion sitting on your desk. What would happen? I’ll tell you what would happen. In about the blink of an eye, you would slam the door and run away. But if you deconstruct that split second, Matt. If you deconstruct that blink of an eye, what really happened during that blink of an eye is you very, very, very quickly sensed the lion. You absorbed the fact that it’s real. You, in lightning speed, thought through the various options that are available to you. You decided on what you’ve thought is the best option. Then you executed it. You acted on it.

It took a split second from sensing the lion to fleeing. You didn’t take a moment to call the IT help desk. You didn’t strike a taskforce. You didn’t call in consultants to recommend options. You literally sensed the lion, and a split second later you were gone.

Now, when you’re a leader in an organization faced with a complex challenge like growing faster or taking cost out, or any of the other complex challenges that we’ve mentioned, your team, your organization, your business unit, the system you’re in, cannot, does not act as fast as you do in the context of a lion sitting on your desk. It takes many, many people to sense what’s going on regarding a given challenge. It takes them a long time to absorb the implication of what’s really going on, and then to think through and decide on the best course available to them also takes a very, very long time. Then to act in a unified way on the solution that they came up, very time consuming. The reason is, is that we’re all distributed. Most of us are basically physically siloed and distant from one another. We’re highly specialized. We speed different languages. So it takes a very long time for us to get to a shared understanding of really what’s going on and what to do about it.

This ties really closely to requisite variety that we’re talking about. Only variety can destroy variety and the need to bring together all those individuals. As David Benjamin expressed, all the right individuals, the minimum and necessary group of people who collectively can sense everything relevant to the challenge absorb everything together and all the implications. Think through them, decide on the path forward and then represent critical mass of people who can act in a unified way.

[00:25:18] DB: So, one really micro example that might be familiar to people is that sales person who deals everyday with customers and understands what they’re going through and what they need doesn’t usually get to sit in the room with the people who are making the decisions, thinking about next generation set of products to really have a conversation about what is it the customer needs. What is it I see? What is it I believe? And to have a good give and take, because we don’t usually put those people in the room together.

The power, we like to say SATDA, as a short form for sensing, absorbing, thinking, deciding and acting. The power of treating that as one effort is enormous. That’s where we’re able to talk about exponential leaps forward, because you don’t have the linear time delay of going from one function to the next.

[00:26:11] MB: This is bit of an aside, but I’m curious, are you familiar with John Boyd and the OODA Loop?

[00:26:16] DB: I’m not.

[00:26:17] DK: I’m not either.

[00:26:18] MB: Okay. No worries. I was only curious, because it’s a very similar to the kind of SATDA framework. He’s a really well-known fighter pilot. Basically, revolutionized aerial combat, and he had this thing called the OODA Loop, which is observe, orient, decide, act, and you try to iterate that as quickly as possible and shorten it and had this whole thing where he applied this to a theory of combat. But it’s really interesting only to see that across various disciplines, very similar idea, which is how can you shrink down that gap between observation, decision, action essentially and really create a very tight feedback loop so that you can solve these iterative and complex and emergent situations.

[00:26:57] DB: Yeah, and I just want to clarify. That’s great. I’m going to go look that up as soon as we’re done here. One of the nuances, the subtleties that people don’t necessarily pick up on is that when we’re talking about variety, when we’re talking about SADTA and we’re talking about treating those as one effort and getting everybody together. At least given today’s technologies, we’re talking about getting people together in one place. Not for a long amount of time, and people tend to not do that because they think it’s going to take too long and it’s going to be too much of a burden on people.

But the physical presence together, research has shown, makes all the difference in the world in terms of the obvious things, like body language and really hearing people and really engaging with people. But also in how the brain works and the way brains can work together, but only if they’re only physically present together.

[00:27:46] DK: And just with the fighter pilot that you mentioned, fascinating. One key distinction, when I think about a fighter pilot, sensing, orienting, deciding and acting, which is very similar to what we’re saying around SADTA. The fighter pilot would have a lot more available to him or her to sense and orient themselves and decide and then be able to act much like you have a lot going for you when you confront a lion in your office. You have all your senses about you. Your neurons are firing all in a closed system much like the fighter pilot.

When you’re dealing with post-merger integration or how to take a product global, how to take cost out of your business, how to grow faster, we really do need to create an engineer, a mega brain, comprised of all the different individuals who are catching glimpses of those challenges. Different realities, different areas of talent and expertise that need to be brought to bear that no individual has on his or her own.

[00:28:46] MB: Yeah. That’s actually a really important point, which especially today’s organizations, a big piece of the challenge is just trying to actually see and understand the problem in its entirety, and it’s so hard to overcome whether it’s the political dynamics, or the interpersonal, or even a lot of the psychological barriers, to just collecting information. As you put in sort of the first step to solving this, is acknowledging the problem.

[00:29:12] DB: Yes, it’s about acknowledging the problem. You raise a good point. It’s very hard to really understand what is the problem in its full glory. Russ Ackoff at Wharton, professor emeritus, may he rest in peace, used to say, “An ounce of information is worth a pound of data, and an ounce of knowledge is worth a pound of information, and an ounce of understanding is worth a pound of knowledge, and an ounce of wisdom is worth a pound of understanding.”

We have tons of data information and knowledge in our organizations individually and collectively. What we really lack though, as you said, Matt, to put words in your mouth, are a really clear shared understanding of the challenges we face and what is really going on, what really matters, what doesn’t matter as much as we thought. To get to that shared understanding with all the noise that we have with data information and knowledge takes a very long time. That shared understanding is gold. It is the platform upon which you can get to wise and creative judgment, and is the limiting factor really in coming up with whole solutions that people are bought into and able to execute. Anything less than shared understanding is partial understanding.

With a partial understanding, you have partial outcomes starting with a partial understanding of the problem, as you pointed out. The partial understanding of the problem you’re solving for part of the problem. Then you’re acting on a partial solution.

[00:30:51] DB: And if I can jump in for a moment, shared understanding, if you want something that anyone can take away immediately and apply in their daily life or in the next meeting they attend. This notion of not rushing to action before establishing that you’ve got shared understanding, it’s so powerful. It seems so obvious, but we’re always in such a rush to do that we often don’t take the time to really pay attention to what someone else is saying, to listen carefully, to reassert that we heard them accurately and that they understand now that we understand before trying to talk about solutions. Because without that, it’s not just partial solutions. But I’ve watched conversations where people have walked away with completely different assumptions and understandings of what they decided, because they didn’t take the time to do that.

[00:31:40] MB: You bring up a really great point as well and it reminds me of something a good friend of mine told me a couple of months ago when we were chatting. I asked him a question, he said, “That question requires wisdom to answer,” and I like to call that kind of capital W, Wisdom, which is I really love that quote. I forget the entire sequence of events that went there, whether it was data and information and all those other things. But I’ll have to go back through the transcript and write that down, because that was a great quote. But it’s so important, and wisdom is often one of the hardest things to come by. In many ways, to solve these complex challenges, really what we need to ultimately cultivate is wisdom.

[00:32:19] DB: Yes, Matt. Exactly. We, in the past, have talked about it as fast wisdom, because it’s kind of a paradox. We need wisdom and creative judgment to get to answers to the big challenges in life, in our personal lives, in our corporate lives, in societal challenges that we face.

But as you know, wisdom takes a lifetime. So as we talk about accelerating and unprecedented complexity that is not slowing down, that really is the new normal. People have wrapped their heads around that. This is not news to people that complexity is the defining challenge we face today and tomorrow. It’s how do you drive, how do you engineer fast wisdom. Not just wisdom, but how do you do it at a pace that’s reasonable given the survival needs of individuals, societies and companies?

[00:33:11] MB: If you’re like me, you have tons of skills and abilities that you want to master, and that’s why I’m excited about our sponsor for this week; Skillshare. Skillshare is an online learning community for creators with more than 25,000 classes in design, business and me. Skillshare is an amazing resource to discover countless ways to fuel your curiosity, creativity and career.

Whether you’re looking to discover a new passion, start a side hustle or gain new professional skills, Skillshare is there to keep you learning, thriving and reaching for new goals. They have some incredible courses around drawing, creating and even an awesome course that totally pique my interest around visual thinking and how to use visual thinking and visualizing data to communicate ideas more effectively. There’s some amazing, highly-detailed and really, really interesting courses on here, and I highly recommend checking Skillshare out.

Join the millions of students already learning on Skillshare today with a special offer just for Science of Success listeners. You can get two months of Skillshare completely for free. That’s right. Skillshare is offering Science of Success listeners two months of unlimited access to over 25,000 classes for free. All you have to do to sign up is go to skillshare.com/success. Again, go to skillshare.com/success to start your two months right now.

Skillshare is awesome. I highly recommend going to sign up. Check it out. There’s definitely a course or probably a number of really high-quality courses and classes on exactly what you want to master in your life today. One more time, go to skillshare.com/success and sign up now.

[00:35:06] MB: So let’s get into that. How do we create clarity in the face of this confusion? How do we figure out the actual solutions and plans to these complex challenges, and what’s the framework that you two have created to help people work through that?

[00:35:24] DB: I’ll start by basically saying that it’s the difference between recognizing the importance of direct connections between all the right people versus whoever has the best brain power wins. So the old world, the old models say, “Whoever has the best brain power, whoever is tapping into the greatest genius, to figure out the slickest, most fit answer, they’re going to win.” That’s just not true anymore, especially as David said, complexity is accelerating and becoming more and more prevalent.

Back to requisite writing, it’s not enough to get all the right people together. Let’s say you’re talking about 40 people. It’s not enough to throw them around a boardroom table and say, “Go. Figure this out.” The key is that they’re all connected directly with each other and that you are putting them through a sequence of what we call collisions, where they are interacting in a meaningful way with every other individual there for a brief amount of time in most cases, where they have a chance to understand and learn something from each other and then share a piece of information or come away with an insight that only that collision could have brought them.

To do that many, many, many times very quickly in a system that is capturing everything that happens at every collision point and distributing that out to all the other collision points. That is sort of the optimal framework for cracking complexity.

Now, you can’t always build a network that is that highly connected and that efficient. When you can’t, it’s a matter of doing better. It’s a matter of asking yourself, “Am I really getting value from that one hour of plenary time where there’s a presenter talking at this group, or is a way I can make that far more interactive? Am I really doing enough if I put people around the table for a conversation, or do I need to give them a [inaudible 00:37:20] and some speaking roles so that they’re forced to listen while others are talking and then forced to talk while others are listening?” It’s the difference between ignoring all of that and hoping for the best, versus doing all of that and engineering the serendipity that you’ll get in terms of the events as you need to solve your challenge?

[00:37:42] DK: When we do this with leaders and we’re applying the formula, they have acknowledged that they’re dealing with a complex challenge to begin with, that it’s not complicated, that it’s complex. They’ve framed the challenge in the form of a question. That really is the invitation for people to collaborate. They’ve targeted a requisite variety of people who represent those who can solve the challenge by pulling their knowledge, their talent, their experience, and their influence. They’ve brought them together. They’ve level-set them, and now we are colliding them and they are colliding with one another in a very engineered way.

Let’s say you have 8 people together, or 30 people together. To be very specific, the number of collisions that you have manage are N times minus 1 collisions, where N are the number of people involved. So for 8 people, you’ve got 8 times 7, 56 collisions that need to be managed and accounted for. If you’re in a group of 30, of 30 times 29 collisions that need to be managed and accounted for, and not just engineered so that every individual is colliding and interacting many times with every other individual in contrast to just a few keeners or a subset of people who are passionate about subject, talking while everyone else has checked out. You need to make sure that they’re all interacting with one another and that those interactions are very effective, right? They’ve very high-quality, candid, transparent, disarmed, highly engaging, issues-focused interactions.

When you do that and you iterate through those collisions with everyone colliding and interacting with everyone else many times, back and forth. It can take us few as two, three days to get after the answers to these big challenges and really get the pooling of information and talent and knowledge and experience and influence in a way that solves the challenge and has everyone who co-created the solution totally psyched and bought in around what they’ve co-created.

[00:39:48] DB: So I just want to add a mathematical footnote, because for anyone who’s familiar with the N times N minus 1 formula. They might be wondering why we don’t divide by two when we talk about that. That’s just because collisions, we talk about them, are not bidirectional. Me colliding with David in a mode where I’m listening and he’s speaking is very different from me colliding with David in the mode where he’s listening and I’m speaking. So we don’t divide by two for that reason.

[00:40:18] MB: So, briefly, there’s a number of different directions and ways I want to unpack this and dig into, but this is a good example or an instance to just explore this mental model a little bit better. For listeners who may not be familiar with N times N minus 1, explain just briefly how that mental model works and what it means and how people can think about and apply that in different contexts.

[00:40:38] DB: It’s just the way to calculate. It’s the formula for calculating how many connections there are amongst N people. So when we talk about it, we think about those connections as each one needing to be activated. Each one being the channel through which a collision can happen.

In fact, as we do the calculation for how many collisions you need, it’s not just N times N minus 1. There’s a multitude of those collisions you need to create where, again, people are in different modes with each other. Very importantly, the iteration through all of those collisions multiple times so that people can move and leave their agenda behind and learn new things and adapt to what everyone else is thinking and saying and believing and the new information they gain and sort of iteratively move from discussing status quo issues, opportunities, what’s going on, the stories we tell. Moving then to ideas and then moving finally to decisions and recommendations.

[00:41:43] DK: Matt, as David said earlier, there’s ideal ways to engineer these serendipitous interactions, and some organizations actually use algorithms to allocate people to teams in a way where they’re going to collide with one another and nothing’s left to chance.

David also said, if you can’t do that, if you’re not going to do that – As a leader, if you’re bringing together 8 people or 15 people or 20 people for a day or even three hours, you want to do better. You want to rotate people through a variety of conversations in a way that approximates the N times N minus 1 collisions that are needed to make sure everyone is interacting with everyone else. You want to do your best and rotate people through a variety of conversations and make note that Mary has had a few conversations with John. John has had a few conversations with Ivan. Ivan has had a few conversations with Mary, and so on and so forth. Really keeping your eye on that really leads to explosions of brain power and emotional commitment.

[00:42:43] DB: I want to give you a shortcut as well, which is we talk about these as collision teams. If you put together a group of five to eight people, they can actually have a very productive conversation, and that’s the limit to the size of a group of people, the number of people in a conversation who can interact effectively. If you start to put 9 people, 10 people into a conversation, you’ll routinely see one or two or three of them starting to tune out and not participating equally and somebody dominating, frustration and so on.

So when you move into breakouts, when you work in groups, if the size of the conversation is in that range, five to eight, then you can have very effective collisions in there amongst all the people who are participating. So that’s how you can shortcut the number of interactions you need to have in order to do all the colliding that has to happen.

[00:43:36] DK: A nice additional technique when you are in your collision teams and you’re really focusing on having people interact with each other many times, to make those interactions highly effective, not just high-volume, but highly effective. What we’ve seen work really well is assigning some of the team members as what we call members. Assigning others as critiques and assigning yet the others as observers, and making sure that these rules are played by everybody in a fair way, that everyone plays the roles a number of times. Where, really, it’s the job for the members to advance the dialogue as far as possible in service of answering that question that you’ve convened people to answer.

The role of the critiques is to really listen, and from time to time critique, provide as much help as they possibly can through critical feedback to the members without becoming members themselves. Their job is just critique. Then observers, we find, is both a very useful and a very frustrating role. These are individuals in a team that can only listen. They have no speaking role.

When you switch these roles up between people through an iterative approach to the conversation and you’re colliding them many, many times, what you find is issues-focused dialogue, surfacing everything from every angle. People listening differently knowing they can’t just dominate speaking. They know that they have to listen for a few minutes before critiquing or that is an observer they have no speaking role, whatsoever. It changes the dynamic of the group. It’s very disarming. For leaders who are listening, it becomes very self-managing.

When you institutionalize the member critique observer role in your meetings, your people get used to it very quickly and realize that, “It’s my job to be the critique now. So I’m going to be the critique,” and it’s going to be very issues-focused instead of personality focused, or personal.

[00:45:38] DB: Yeah, and I think if I could advice to people listening. As leaders, if you want to be a better leader tomorrow, in the very next meeting you attend where you’ve got some sort of hierarchical or power advantage in the room, pull your chair to the back of the room. Designate yourself as a critique and inform everyone at the table that I’m going to listen and not say a word for the next 20 minutes. Then I will take a minute to critique what I just heard and then I’m going to pull myself back out. Then I’m going to do that a second time, but it’s on you to figure this out. I’m here to help in those two intermittent moments where I joined the conversation.

[00:46:11] DK: The important thing about that, in terms of what David just said, is as a leader, you’re not abdicating your decision rights. But what you’re doing is really granting discussion rights to the group of people, and they will notice that. They will notice how you’re conducting meetings. They will notice the effectiveness of the communication. The bar has been raised in a meaningful way. The outcomes are much better, frankly, and faster.

[00:46:38] MB: Some great, great strategies and advice and crafting these dynamic groups to help solve challenges like these. I love the observer critique member framework. I want to change gears, because there’s so many rich strategies for dealing with complexity that I want to talk about, and we’re going to run out of time.

One of the other things that I thought was universally applicable and relevant and interesting that you touched on was the importance of asking good questions and how to do that. Because the quality of your life is the quality of your questions, and that’s something that I firmly believe in. So how do you think about crafting and asking the most effective questions possible?

[00:47:16] DB: It’s funny, because it sounds like it would just be a matter of putting pen to paper and writing down a question and finishing with a question mark. In fact, leaders who do this well will spend a lot of time thinking about what is the scope of the question I’m asking.

Again, we’re starting with a complex challenge. What do we need to ask the group I’m going to ring together to solve this? I have to give the guidance on scope. I have to give them guidance on the kind of action that I’m looking for and who should be taking those actions. That comes down to what am I saying; what should we do, or what should you do, or what should they do, really thinking that through. Giving guidance on timeline, both timeline for action and timeline for result.

When it comes to result, very specifically, setting a goal in the goldilocks zone between easy to achieve and not achievable at all. Something that’s aspirational. Something that people see they could achieve, but only if things change. Only if we get out of the status quo and do something different.

So with that goal, with the clarity on the timeline, with the right action frame, with the right scoping, you’ve got a good question. But the other caution is it’s very easy as you’re doing those things to bake in your own bias. So if you’re getting all the right people together to answer the question, the last check you do on the questions, whether you’ve inadvertently built in some of your own assumption and biases that are just going to get in the way.

So kind of have a constraint, like we need to do this profitably. But you got to make sure that when you’re saying, “But we need to do this profitably,” you’re not cutting out a whole bunch of things that could have been considered as part of the solution.

[00:49:04] DK: And Matt, we find that a lot of leaders really benefit early on in their powering up to solve something big by bringing in a couple of confidants, a couple of their colleagues, people who they want to get involved early on and whose buy-in they want in the overall solution to the challenge. They get that early on by having them inform and shape the question itself.

So getting a group of people, 2, 3, 4 people together in a room and say, “Given that we’re dealing with this big data strategy challenge that we’ve lost traction with or we’re trying to double our growth rate or we’re trying to build a culture of innovation or whatever it is.” How would we frame this? What’s the question we’re really trying to answer?

When you work through that in a small group, not only do you, the leader, emerge with what the right question is. You’ve got the beginnings of buy-in and alignment from your key stakeholders and key influencers who shaped it with you.

[00:50:05] DB: Yeah, and you just have to be careful. [inaudible 00:50:06] David as much as anything else, when you’re bringing together a group of people to do this, you have to watch out for the fear and the trepidation that as you add more and more people, you begin to bake in to the question. We don’t want to forget all the great effort people have already put in. Is that bar too high? Is that going to make people uncomfortable? The more people you have involved.

So, again, it’s that goldilocks zone of getting the right level of involvement and making sure people have their fingers on the question as well, but making sure you’re not watering it down and making it something that’s going to drive the same old things.

[00:50:41] MB: So we’ve obviously gone through a lot of practical solutions and implementations for dealing with complexity. For listeners who are listening to this and maybe dealing with a complex challenge in their lives, what would be one homework, or action step, or action item that you would give them to start implementing some of these ideas or to take a first step or to begin taking a bite out of that complex challenge that they’re facing?

[00:51:07] DB: So I would say pay attention to the challenge. Think about it. Write a question. Leave that question sitting on your coffee table. Keep looking back it and seeing if it’s the right question and having a pen handy to keep modifying it.

But then you know you’ve got the question, think about the variety of people, and it might be that it’s a question about your next career choice and that your variety might be eight people. But really challenge yourself to think about the scarcity of seven other seats, because you’re going to be one of the eight people, and who you would put into those seats without wasting one opportunity to have a perspective that could be there.

This is very real. People do this. We’ve applied the formula with businesses and across organizations. We’ve also applied the formula or helped individuals apply the formula for themselves as they’re making career decisions. So if you think in terms of a dinner party and if you think about the eight seats at the table and you think about the question that will guide the conversation at the dinner table, then if you think very carefully about who you’d invite and get really creative about how to get as much variety as possible.

People from in your life, people who don’t know you, people who think a particular way, people who challenge for the sake of challenging, people who are able to distill a whole bunch of thoughts down to a coherent point from time to time. Think about that variety. If you actually wanted to proceed into that conversation, you’d have a great conversation.

[00:52:40] MB: Love the example of a dinner party, and that really helps contextualize it in a way that’s applicable and easy and a great simple framework to implement.

So David and David, what are the best ways for listeners to find you, to find your work, to find the book, etc., online?

[00:52:56] DK: A really good way to find the book and find out more is at www.crackingcomplexity.com.

[00:53:06] DB: And I am ComplexityDB on Twitter, and David is ComplexityDK.

[00:53:12] MB: Well, gentleman, thank you both so much for coming on the show, for sharing all these wisdom. Complexity is one of the biggest challenges of the world today, and it’s great to look at a number of different frameworks and strategies for helping to breakdown and solve complexity in our lives.

[00:53:12] DB: Thank you, Matt. Great speaking with you.

[00:53:30] DK: Yeah. Thanks for having us.

[00:53:32] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you, our listeners, master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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May 16, 2019 /Austin Fabel
Decision Making
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Here’s Why You’re Stuck… This is How You Fix It with Gary John Bishop

May 09, 2019 by Lace Gilger in Focus & Productivity, Decision Making

In this episode we discuss how you create your own reality. We explore the idea that your life experiences are not random or arbitrary, but rather a direct result of your subconscious beliefs. When the conscious and the subconscious conflict, the sub-conscious wins and you’ll never get over your past until you realize how you use it to justify yourself. We dig into the powerful revelation that life only ever changes in the paradigm of action. You must do something differently than what you’ve done before in order to change. All of this and much more with our guest Gary John Bishop. 

Gary John Bishop is a personal development expert and is the author of the bestselling book Unfu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and into Your Life and the soon to be released Stop Doing That Sh*t: End Self-Sabotage and Demand Your Life Back. His approach blends a unique in-your-face approach with high-level training and development practices. Hailing from Glasgow, Scotland Gary’s work has been featured in The New York Times, NPR, Vice, Business Insider, and much more!

  • You’re responsible for the creation of your life. You have to accept it, embrace it, be aware of it, and know it. 

  • In the living of your life - you will have to live the decisions and conclusions that you’ve made, whether you’re conscious of it or not 

  • As a human being, its incumbent upon you to go beyond yourself, expand your awareness, and live life being fully 

  • For the most part, your life is an expression of your subconscious. You’re mostly guided by the automatic. 

  • Just because you’re aware of a problematic belief or behavior -doesn’t mean you will stop doing it 

  • Why do people attend tons of personal development seminars, read books etc but then never actually change?

  • “There’s a massive difference between knowledge and awareness"

  • “At some level you must be pretty connected to having your life be the same”

  • When the conscious and the subconscious conflict, the sub-conscious wins. 

  • Your subconscious makes up almost the entirety of what drives you

  • Because I believed that “life is a struggle”, “Where life wasn’t a struggle, I would make it one"

  • Your life experiences are not random or arbitrary, they are defined by an invisible set of rules that you believe to be true - but the reality you experience may not be the same reality that other people experience - the same rules that others experience. 

  • Your life is a like the matrix, but the key difference is that you’re the rebels, AND the Matrix. 

  • You currently existing in a “Default” way of living your life - but there are infinite alternatives to being alive and living your life 

  • You are complicit and explicit in the reality that you create for yourself, and you’re not even aware to it. 

  • Freedom for a human be defined as the actions you take, in relation to your default mode of being 

  • You have to actually take action, you have to actually DO something with it. 

  • Reading a book is nice, but if you don’t do anything with it, what’s the difference in having read it or not?

  • Life ONLY EVER CHANGES in the PARADIGM OF ACTION. You must DO SOMETHING DIFFERENTLY than what YOU’VE DONE BEFORE. 

  • You don’t have to feel differently to do differently, you just have to DO differently.

  • Some of the greatest breakthroughs of science and engineering where discovered by accident.

  • Are you addicted to certainty? 

  • “If you’ve had any kind of big success in your life, you’ll notice that you did it under conditions of uncertainty” 

  • You have to go into the unknown and work your way through it to achieve anything

  • If you’ve had success, you try to preserve and maintain certainty, you lose the very strategy that made you successful (plunging into uncertainty) 

  • Embrace uncertainty in your life. 

  • If you’re not as hardcore as Gary John Bishop - how do you start taking action? 

  • Make promises to yourself, your promises have to be greater than how you feel. 

  • Start with small actions - and small steps to build momentum and credibility with yourself

  • You are not defined by your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs you are defined by your actions. 

  • “I am not my thoughts, I am what I do"

  • The beliefs that we hold at our core - manifest in our lives as all kinds of other reasons and logical explanations and rationalizations  - but we are really deceiving ourselves 

  • What if you could produce results that go beyond your current beliefs and thoughts?

  • The life you have is driven by what you do and don’t do - and what you continue to do and not do. 

  • You don’t need to think differently, you just need to do differently. 

  • You are what you do, not what you feel about what you do. 

  • Is your life about revealing the future you want or perpetuating the past? 

  • Whatever you don’t forgive lives on with you. That includes forgiving yourself and forgiving others. 

  • Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. 

  • Withholding forgiveness perpetuates what happens, and you end up being left with the resentment. 

  • The future is far more important than your unwillingness to forgive. 

  • How do you forgive someone? How do you forgive yourself? 

  • You’ll never get over your past until you realize how you use it to justify yourself.

  • You are very consciously using your past to justify your present, you need to start uncovering instances of that and realizing that behavior pattern

  • The idea “things are the way they are, because of the way things have always been” may be a superstition. Causality is a superstition. It’s voodoo. 

  • Why can’t you be “caused” by some of the greatest experiences of your childhood? Why does it have to be the negative experiences of your childhood? 

  • Reserve causality - what if you were caused by something YET to happen? What if you were caused by something which hasn’t 

  • The simple example of a hammer hitting a nail - is that all it is? What caused the nail to go into the wood?

  • Homework: Look around in your life, look at something you’ve been tolerating, putting off, ignoring or pretending about - pick one item you’ve been tolerating and go handle it TODAY. Take that item, step into action, and go handle it TODAY, regardless of how you feel about it. 

  • You’ll realize after doing it that you’re inspired to take MORE action. 

    1. It begins with cleaning up some fo the existing mess in your life today. 

    2. The more mess you clean up, the great stuff becomes more and more clear. 

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Want To Dig In More?! - Here’s The Show Notes, Links, & Research

General

  • Gary’s website

    • Gary’s Courses

  • Gary’s Twitter

  • Gary’s Facebook

Media

  • The Manual - “How to Unfu*k Yourself: Unabashed Life Wisdom from Gary John Bishop” by Steven John

  • Bustle - “7 Mantras To Help You Think More Positively, According To A Personal Development Coach” By Suzannah Weiss

  • Forbes - “15 Ways To Have The Most Productive Year Of Your Life” by Brianna Wiest

  • The Guardian - “We are what we say: how thoughts and speech shape our wellbeing” by Gary John Bishop

  • Business Insider - “I teach people to be more successful, and one of the first things I share is a simple question” by Gary John Bishop

  • Pinterest board - 83 Motivational Quotes from Unfu*k Yourself by Gary John Bishop

  • Reddit AMA (Ask Me Anything) - I am Gary John Bishop, success coach and author of breakout self-help bestseller, Unfu*k Yourself. I'm committed to Unfu*king your life, AMA!

  • [Podcast] Zibby Owens (Feb 2019) - Gary John Bishop, UNF*CK YOURSELF

  • [Podcast] Knowledge for Men - Gary John Bishop: Unf*ck Yourself! Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Life by Andrew Ferebee

  • [Podcast] Jeff Agostinelli - 097: How to Unfu*k Yourself and Flip That Outdated Story with Gary John Bishop

  • [Podcast] Dad Edge Podcast (formerly Good Dad Project) - How to Unf*ck Yourself with Gary John Bishop

  • [Podcast] Order of Man - 134: UNFU*K YOURSELF | GARY JOHN BISHOP

  • [Podcast] Elite Man podcast - How To Unfuck Yourself And Create The Life You Want – Gary John Bishop (Ep. 133)

Videos

  • Gary’s YouTube Channel

    • Getting out of your head!

    • Eventually You Are Burdened By What You Tolerate

    • The Sourceful Life - Three Minute Training - Power!  

  • Book Review: Jecht Spencer - Unfu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Life - Gary John Bishop

  • HarperOne - Gary John Bishop on Life Choices

  • Science of Success - How to stop worrying and start living - Unf*ck Yourself by Gary Bishop

Books

  • Unfu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and into Your Life  by Gary John Bishop

  • Stop Doing That Sh*t: End Self-Sabotage and Demand Your Life Back by Gary John Bishop

Misc

  • [Wiki Article] Émile Coué

  • [Wiki Article] Alan Watts

  • [SoS Episode] Embracing Discomfort

  • [SoS Episode] How To Demolish What’s Holding You Back & Leave Your Comfort Zone with Andy Molinsky

  • [SoS Episode] Your Secret Weapon to Becoming Fearless with Jia Jiang

Episode Transcript

[00:00:04.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[00:00:11] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success, the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than 3 million downloads, listeners in over a hundred countries.

In this episode, we discuss how you create your own reality. We explore the idea that your life experiences are not random or arbitrary, but rather a direct result of your subconscious believes. When the conscious and the subconscious conflict, the subconscious wins and you’ll never get over your past until you realize how you’re using it to justify yourself. We dig into the powerful revelation that life only ever changes in the paradigm of action. You must do something differently than what you’ve done before in order to change. We talk about all these and much more with our guest, Gary John Bishop.

I’m going to tell you why you’ve been missing out on some incredibly cool stuff if you haven’t signed up for our email list yet. All you have to do to sign up is to go to successpodcast.com and sign up right on the home page.

On top of tons subscriber-only content, exclusive access and live Q&As with previous guests, monthly giveaways and much more,I also created an epic free video course just for you. It's called How to Create Time for What Matters Most Even When You're Really Busy. E-mail subscribers have been raving about this guide.

You can get all of that and much more by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the home page, or by texting the word smarter to the number44-222on your phone. If you like what I do on Science of Success, my e-mail list is the number one way to engage with me and go deeper on what I discuss on the show, including free guides, actionable takeaways, exclusive content and much, much more.

Sign up for my e-mail list today by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the home page, or if you're on the go, if you're on your phone right now, it's even easier. Just text the word “smarter”, that's S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number44-222.I can't wait to show you all the exciting things you'll get when you sign up and join thee-mail list.

In our previous episode, we discussed the female and male brains. Are they different? If so, what are the differences and do they matter? We looked at the science behind all of these and unlocked key insights into how you can improve your health, happiness and relationships by using a few simple strategies with our guest, Dr. Louann Brizendine. If you want some surprising science that you can use to transform your relationships, listen to our previous episode.

Now, for our interview with Gary. Please note, this episode contains profanity.

[00:03:18] MB: Today, we have another exciting guest on the show, Gary John Bishop. Gary is a personal development expert and he’s the author of the bestselling book Unfuck Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Life, and the soon to be released Stop Doing That Shit and Self-Sabotage and Demand Your Life Back.

His approach blends a unique in your face approach with a high-level training and development practices. Hailing from Glasgow, Scotland, Gary’s work has been featured in the New York Times, NPR, Vice, Business Insider and much more.

Gary, welcome to the Science of Success.

[00:03:49] GJB: Great to be with you, Matt. Thanks for having me. Almost got my words mixed up there. But yeah, thanks for having me.

[00:03:55] MB: Oh, it happens. It happens. Well, we’re very excited to have you on here, Gary. Love your message and your work, and I can’t wait to dig in to a number of the different themes and ideas that you’ve written about and talked about.

[00:04:05] GJB: Good! Now, let’s get to it.

[00:04:06] MB: So one of the things that I really enjoy about your approach to things is this idea of – And you may not exactly call it this, but this idea of responsibility and that where we are in our lives, fundamentally, we’re responsible for the creation of that. Could you begin by unpacking that idea and explaining that a little bit?

[00:04:26] GJB: Yeah. People use the word responsibility a lot and I don’t think they use it responsibly. So it eventually comes down to be into blame for something or something is your fault, and that’s really not responsibility in the sense of a human being. So being responsible for something is a human being means like you fully accept it. You fully embrace it. You are aware of it. You know it, and you take all those things into consideration and you’re still doing the shit that you usually do, then now you’re being irresponsible.

As human beings, you don’t tend to have much sense or at least awareness of some of the stuff that have put together. Some of the things we’ve accepted as believes, some of the things that we have concluded. But ultimately in the living of one’s life, you will have to live with those decisions and conclusions, whether you’re conscious of making those decisions and conclusions or not.

So I really feel as if as human being, it’s incumbent upon you to go beyond knowing things about yourself, go beyond raking up reams of knowledge about yourself and start to make some connections, to start to expand your awareness and then to live life being fully responsible for that, which you’ve made yourself aware of.

[00:05:47] MB: The thing that I feel like so many people struggle with is that part of acknowledging and accepting the things that they either consciously or subconsciously brought into their life or created as a part of their lives.

[00:06:00] GJB: Yeah. For the most your life is subconscious expression. So what I mean by that, I mean you’re mostly guided by the automatic. Most people can tell you what they do. A lot of people can tell you why they do what they do, but not to the degree that they stop doing it. So I’m interested in getting in that a little bit deeper. What is it that’s really fueling me as a human being? That’s what I talk about extensively in Stop Doing That Shit, and I know these have these kind of like – My books kind of have these kind of abrasive titles, but there’s a lot in those books. It’s not just me telling you to stop doing something, right? I mean, you can just ask your mother. She’ll tell you to stop doing a bunch of stuff.

So my approach is definitely understanding yourself in a way that perhaps until that point in your life you might not have done. In Stop Doing That Shit, I provide you with a real pathway to joining some of the dots of your own behaviors that are working against you to reveal something that perhaps you hadn’t considered.

[00:07:11] MB: You bring up another really important idea and then expanding that out a little bit was a question that I’ve always had that I think your work hits at the heart of, which is this notion that people often time spend time, energy, money attending all kinds of personal development seminars, reading tons of self-help books, etc., and yet never really fundamentally change. Why is that?

[00:07:33] GJB: A couple of reasons. As I said, there’s a massive difference between knowledge and awareness. So I’ve met some really smart people who are about as aware as a plate of dead fish. They could tell you tons of stuff about awareness, but that hasn’t made them aware. So when you’re aware of something, when something goes off in you, when you’re enlivened by something, you get an insight of something that’s so compelling that there’s no way back from it. You can no longer act the way you’ve acted. To me, that’s a real insight.

As human beings we can tend to become these kind of insight junkies, like, “Oh, yeah! That’s really interesting.” Part of that is because when we are reading or listening or watching something, we’re doing it at just a very kind of basic level. We’re just doing it in a level of agreement and disagreement and coming up with the arguments for and against in our head as we’re doing it rather than being in it for what it might illuminate. I guess that’s part of my problem with philosophy in general is way too interested in itself rather than its usefulness.

Why do we often not really change? Because we’re still pretty much addicted to the mess that we’ve built because there’s a kind of gravity, a certain kind of certainty and the life you have even though you might not particularly like the life you have or say you really want to change it or even be doing a lot of stuff that you feel that you have to change it. At some level you must be pretty connected to having to be the same, and that is a big part of what Stop Doing That Shit is about. It really is about once and for all revealing what your resistance to change is grounded at.

[00:09:25] MB: That phrase, at some level you must be pretty connected to having things be the same. So powerful and yet I think listeners may not fully graph the importance and the depth behind that. Can you explain that a little bit more and really what that actually means?

[00:09:40] GJB: Yeah. There’s a French guy by the name of Émile Coué. I think that’s how you pronounce his name. There’s an inflection at the end, so I’m presuming there’s an emphasis on the A. But anyway, Émile Coué, he lived in like the 18th century and he said – He didn’t say it this way. He said it in a much more French eloquent way, but this is the Scottish interpretation you’re getting. When the conscious and the subconscious conflict, the subconscious wins.

So if I’ve subconsciously, and your subconscious by the way isn’t some foo-foo made up thing. It’s real. You don’t need me to give you evidence of it. You stroll your way through Google. Neuroscience agrees that’s real. It’s a thing. It’s there. It makes up most of what do I feel. When I say most, I mean almost entirely what do I feel.

But what if you looked at your life in the perspective of your subconscious? What if you looked at your life and said, “Well, what if all these is supposed to be this way? What does it prove? What is this bring to life for me as a human being?”

So I’ll give you an example and this is one of the examples I talk about in the book, but it took me a number of years to discover that at some level at some time in my life concluded that life is a struggle. I have to stance of doing such a thing. I have no stance of like, “Oh, yeah. Life is a struggle.” I just realize that when I look around me, like everything is a struggle. It was nothing that wasn’t a struggle. It was all hard work. I notice these other people how they were interacting with life wasn’t like mine. I also noticed that where life wasn’t a struggle, I would make it one. I’ll find a way to have the struggle come to life, and it was digging and digging and digging at that. I started to see like not only was in my experience of things was life a struggle, but that I was actively engaging myself with things that would make it one, and none of it was an accident. I would look at myself sabotaging. Suddenly myself sabotage became obvious. Well, of course, and this is what kind of tied in to what Coué said. Anytime something that came up that would conflict with the notion that life is a struggle, I would either dismiss it or throw a hand grenade in it so I’ll blow it up.

I have no sense of doing such a thing, but if you track my behaviors, it was not only dead on the money, but it was consistent and cyclical and it was – I’m sure your listeners can relate to this. Situations where my wife would seemingly be going in the direction, and then boom! And then going in the right direction, and then boom! And then going in the right direction, and then boom! Over and over and over.

My assertion is – Again, that’s in the book. That’s what we’re doing as human beings. We’re overcoming something, almost getting there. Something’s temporarily getting there and then bringing the conclusion by to life again over and over and over, and then you die.

[00:12:50] MB: So this idea that your belief that life was a struggle was showing up in all kinds of areas of your life. It was cropping up in seemingly unrelated things and you make a really important point, which I want to underscore, which is this notion that this isn’t something you were consciously trying to do. It was a subconscious pattern that was manifesting itself.

[00:13:11] GJB: Right. It all started for me a number of years ago by actually getting out of bed one morning and I actually caught myself, reminding myself who I was pissed off at. I kind of had to remind myself, like, “Oh, yeah.”

Then when I looked at it really closely, I noticed that in moments before that, I wasn’t pissed off at them. So they weren’t even on my mind. I had to like, check-in with my reality. You might have listeners right now that are nodding their head going, “Oh my gosh! I’ve done that.” So it’s not rocket science really to start to understand it. Every morning, I don’t wake up into the world. I wake up into a very specific world, a world of my nuances, by biases, my upsets, my view of things if you like. But more, deeper than that actually is my experience of being alive. There’s just what it’s like for me to engage with this life, and it’s not arbitrary. It’s not just some random experience of being alive. It’s a very defined one with certain limitations and certain sacred cows and certain – Like it’s just very defined.

The people that I would call my friends are the ones who have a life experience that’s closer to my, right? So that would be like, “Oh, you see it that way and you experience it –” “Oh, yeah. I do too.” “Yeah, we should be friends.” Then people who don’t, like you experience it in a totally different way. Well, clearly, you’re just an idea or you’re wrong or something.

But what I’m experiencing as a human being – And I started to really get like every day I reintroduce the Matrix. I just reintroduce it and then I live it, and then I reintroduce it and I live it. So seeing that life was a struggle for me was like seeing the black cat in the Matrix. It was like, “Oh, shoot! There’s the program,” and it took me a while to come in terms with it. In the Matrix, I am both the rebels and the Matrix. I’m all of it. I’m the whole thing, and it was really – It’s suddenly my self-sabotage and the ways that I would undermine myself. It just revealed itself like this kind of unfolding series of aha moments and start to really understand that there exists for me or within me, if you like, which is I don’t even know it’s within me in a literal sense, but there is the presence of a default way of living, that I until I discovered it, it was the only way of living. When I discovered it and saw it as a default way of living, suddenly I could see all these alternatives. Suddenly I could see all these other ways of being alive and being expressed and having my life be a bit something a little other than overcoming what’s there for me to overcome by default.

[00:16:20] MB: I love the Matrix analogy, because I think it comes back to the original idea that we were talking about before, this notion of responsibility and the face that your life experiences are not random or arbitrary. They’re defined by an invisible set of rules that you believe to be true. But the reality you’re experiencing is not the same reality that other people experience.

I love this notion that if it’s the Matrix, you’re the rebels in the sense that you’re trying to change yourself, but the really important thing that you said is that you’re also the Matrix. Your complicit and explicitly creating this reality that you’re experiencing and you’re not even aware of it.

[00:16:56] GJB: I would be willing to wager that most of your listeners or a large percentage of your listeners are what I would call have a default way of being called being analytical. They’re kind of drawn to your conversation because it gets to scratch that particular itch. There’s nothing wrong with being analytical. In fact, again, most of the lessons, if you look at being analytical as a way of being, you’ll find that works very well in your career.

However, being analytical is one of those things as a way of being, as a default way of being. It’s a little too fascinated with itself. So somebody might come up with a solution for you and you’ll like this solution, but then you’ll start to analyze and then you’ll what if it, and you’ll could have, should have, would have it until its usefulness is no longer applicable, which means you don’t need to analyze different and other answer. Does that make sense?

[00:17:55] MB: Yeah. I think it definitely makes sense.

[00:17:57] GJB: All right, good. But if you start to see like, “Wow!” That’s what I do by default. Actually, that’s part of my default wiring, because an analyst just needs problems. It’s a very internal state. It can also be a worrisome state as a way of being. Again, I’m coming to this from an anthological perspective. That is, looking at a human being from a perspective of their ways of being right. [inaudible 00:18:22] and from the perspective of your ways of being.

Being responsible means I’ve done the work to reveal those to myself in such a way that they make other things available and that I can actually see the ways in which the default ways of being intrude in the quality of my life or in my ability to go beyond what I think my potential is and I’m responsible for them in such a way that their impact on me and my wife diminishes greatly. I’m fascinated by a human’s being ability to go beyond who they have come to know themselves as.

Martin Heidegger, the German philosopher said, “Freedom for a human being can be found in the actions that one takes,” and I’m going to paraphrase here, “can be found in the actions that one takes when confronted by one’s default self.” That is, when I notice my default self and yet I act independently of that, Heidegger says that was and is freedom for a human being.

[00:19:33] MB: That’s really powerful, and the focus that you have and you talk about in taking action, is something that’s so important and many ways shapes the structure and the ideas around our show. We try to always figure out how can we create concrete action steps and ways for the listeners to implement things. So I really love to see that as a core component of what your message and the fact that it’s not just about becoming aware and then accepting the default network. You actually have to take action. You actually have to do something to change it.

[00:20:07] GJB: Yeah. You got to drive a bus through it as I’d like to say, right? You got to drive a bus through it. One of my pet peeves right now is social media with people posting pictures and then declaring they’ve read their 19th book of the year or whatever that is. You know, “This is my 32nd book,” and I say this is fine, but what are you changing? What have you taken on? What did you realize? What did you uncover? What have you transformed? What have you transcended? How has the reading of that single book shifted your life?

I’m a great believer and you could basically read any book and find something in there that you could use to change your life. I really mean that you could read a book about Greek architecture and find something in there that actually inspires you to change your life or gives you the kind of insight, if you think about it, to change your life.

Change and life by the way does not come from insights, and I love insights by the way. I love a good old-fashioned Scottish insight. However, life only ever changes, only, only ever, ever changes in the paradigm of action. So that is that you now do differently than you did before. The illusion is that somehow we feel as if or we think that we have to feel differently in order to do differently. That is not true. That’s nonsense. That’s why the whole thing about positivity kind of grinds my gears a little.

Some of the most positive things I’ve ever done in my life, I did them with a negative mindset. I don’t have to tell myself that it was awesome to do awesome things. I found that my – I got to being an extraordinary human being and engaging with extraordinary things as an ordinary man. So that is with all the nuances and biases of every other ordinary man, and there’s nothing extraordinary about me at all in the slightest. I’m just an average kind of guy who engages with extraordinary things and gets challenged by them. There’s no special genetic kind of disposition for extraordinary going on over here. I’m a very ordinary human being with a pretty unspectacular life. What makes a human being extraordinary is the kind of things they engage themselves with and the actions they take, right? Because life only ever shifts.

By the way, you didn’t have to believing I’m saying. Try it out. Try it out for yourself. Try it. You’ll see that your life changes only in the paradigm action. If you’re not making physical changes, more of this, less of that, less of that, more of this, your life won’t change. You might feel a bit better, but it will be the same nonsense.

[00:23:04] MB: Reminds me of that classic quote, “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.” I feel like so many people fall into the trap of waiting to feel good or waiting to feel that they’re ready to start taking action. As you’re saying, it’s really almost the opposite. You need to take action first and then the changes start to actually accumulate.

[00:23:30] GJB: Right. So I would put almost all of my success in life in the last dozen years or so into throwing myself into things that I have no idea how I was going to do them, which was a complete shift from how I’ve done it before. I always needed to plan it out and make sure I knew I was doing and ta-ta-ta-ta-ta, and if I wasn’t feeling it, then I’m not doing it and I don’t feel confident enough and I don’t feel as if I know enough, which if you’re analytical, yeah, that’s like a hamster on a wheel right there because you’ll never know enough.

Again, if you just use reality, some of the greatest breakthroughs of science and engineering were made by accident. So they were made by people actually working on something else and then like, “Oh! What’s that?” Which tells you that in the paradigm action, when you’re acting on something. I don’t mean just sitting in your chair thinking about, because thinking isn’t an action, and you’re actually doing. You’re producing. That’s where discoveries are made. That’s where actually you make progress, it’s in the doing. It’s not like I’m anti-thinking about doing. I just think it’s way overrated.

[00:24:38] MB: This also dovetails a little bit into one of the core themes that you talk and write about as well, which underscores a lot of these feelings of not being ready or not taking action, which is the need for certainty.

[00:24:50] GJB: Yeah, we’re addicted to certainty, and it gets worse as you get older. So when you’re really young – I got three kids. I have a 14-year-old, 7-year-old and a 4-year-old, and the 4-year-old has no concern for certainly. Like he just doesn’t care. He’s out there, he’s living, he’s doing it.

The 14-year-old is getting more and more concerned for things being a certain way, and that just gets more and more and more as you get older. I talk about this in my first book, I’d say, “Look, if you have had any kind of success in your life, you’ll notice that you did it in a condition off uncertainty.” So any kind of big success you feel as if you produced, whether you went to college, moved to a new town, applied for a new job, started a business, whatever, you’ve asked somebody out, whatever your thing is, “That was a big thing for me.” You’ll see you did in a condition of uncertainty. That is you went into the unknown and you worked your way through it.

Now, you’ll also notice that when you have had some kind of success in a certain area, that what then follows is trying to preserve it or maintain it, right? So you’ve now given up on the very strategy that got you there. Now you’re in some other strategy. How do I preserve my certainty? Because, by and large as human beings, we just hate, hate, hate, hate uncertainty, yet we’re drawn to it. So I want things to be – Some level I want things to be same, but I want this new thing.

My view is that’s the kind of crossroads where human beings exist. They exist in this kind of crossroads between having things be the same, yet desiring the new. If you want new things to happen in your life, you need to be someone who starts to get comfortable with that you don’t know how it’s going to turn out. If anything’s going to give you any comfort, that would be the knowledge that if doesn’t turn out, you’re going to be fine. Your survival kick in. You’ll work your way through it. You’ll be fine

So I really encourage people to embrace uncertainty in life to really get – If you really ought to have something great happen, then uncertainty is going to be a part of it. You’re either going to resist that and stick to what you know or you’re going to reach for something way beyond your potential or at least the potential that you think you have.

[00:27:10] MB: I couldn’t agree more, and we’ve had many, many episodes in the show where we talk about the importance of embracing uncertainty. What are some of the strategies that you found that are particularly helpful, exercises or things to begin to step into the uncertain?

[00:27:26] GJB: Yeah. I mean, I’ve done a lot of work on myself, Matt. I really dug in the depths, right? I’ve been into the dirt where people just don’t go, and I’ve really uncovered an awful lot of what was driving this kind of persona of mine, right? Why it was also important. So that was a big part of it was this kind of uncovering.

But a really simple strategy that I still use, and I use this all the time, is this whole notion of personal promises. Promises aren’t something we really use in our lives, right? We don’t. We say things like, “I’m going to try,” “I want to,” “I’m going to,” but nobody is really like sticking a flag in the ground saying, “I promise to delivery this by ta-ta-ta-ta, a day or something.”

So when I wrote my first book, when I wrote Unfuck Yourself, I noticed that I was having a physiological reaction to the idea of writing a book. I’m getting butterflies in my stomach. I noticed when it came down to it, I just didn’t want to write it. Now, I could get into, “Oh, let’s uncover why you don’t want to write it and all that stuff,” and I did to some degree or another. But rather what I did was I stuck a flag in the ground and said, “Okay. I’m going to give myself nine months to write this book and I’m going to deliver yon it.”

So every day, I would get up, I would go to the laptop and I would notice there was some kind of mood I was in, some kind of, “Oh, look,” that I had. Some kind of feeling that I had that I was in contrast to what I said I would do. So what I started to live was the life of my promises. So I’ve started to live – I started to do what I said I would do and give less and less and less attention to how I felt about what I was doing.

So I would say my success as a writer is completely a function of delivering on the promises that I made and everywhere along the way handling myself, and handling, my resignation, and handling my cynicism, and handling my upsets, and handling my circumstances to delivery on what I said I would do. Having what I said I would do reach the kind of importance that it deserves, which it deserves an importance way greater than how I might feel about any of that. Because my promises exist outside of me. They don’t exist in my or they don’t – I don’t experience my promises.

So my promises are like a straight line from here to there and all the junk in between here and there is how I feel about it and like whether my circumstances fit with it and ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. So I make bold promises in my wife. I’m not careful about promises. By the way, I’m bold about them. I get out there. I make promises that I’m not really sure if I can keep it or not and I turn myself inside out to deliver on them. I’m not somebody – You don’t talk me out of my promises. I make them. I deliver on them. I make them. I deliver on them. I make them. I deliver on them. All that junk that happens in our life has little to no impact on the power of the promises that I make to myself, in my wife, in my profession, in my relationships, because the promises that I make to myself are getting bigger and bolder and more compelling and they call me out. They call me to be a greater self.

[00:30:56] MB: For someone who’s not as hardcore as you, and honestly I think you and I are similar in the sense that I’m also very hardcore. I try to push myself really hard. What are some of the ways that people can step into taking more action?

[00:31:10] GJB: Yeah, and that’s a great question. So this whole world of personal promises actually starts small. So if you start with a promise – I’ll give you a simple one that people just wrestle with for some reason. But anyway, you set your alarm for 6AM. Promise yourself you’re going to be up the first ring. So the first one that goes off, get up. That’s the promise you had make yourself, and that promise is greater than how you feel when you wake up. Because you might feel, “Oh, I hardly didn’t sleep.” “Oh, I’ve got a sore head.” “Oh, it’s cold.” You got to set all that aside and hold yourself to that promise. So it’s all simple things, like little promises.

Now, human beings – And this is the thing that just never ceases to amaze me. The more you keep promises, the more emboldened you’ll get. You’ll actually start to experience yourself as a bigger human being. So it’s no surprise that one might relate to oneself a small or incapable or somehow not quite up to the task, because your life is filled with a trail of broken promises, things you would tell yourself that you want to do it and then for some reason or another, you are able to talk yourself out of it. Then that just kind of gets thrown in the backpack like another little disappointment. So you got to build that back up again. You got to come back. You got to really start to bring forth the presence of your personal power and you do it in little ways.

So one of the things that I took on a while back was intermittent fasting, okay? So I’d read about it and understood it, and I love pizza and fast food and all that kind of stuff, and I didn’t fancy the whole idea of living the rest of my life on a diet. I didn’t fast like eating kale all the way to the grave. So I looked for something that I thought can work for me, and I came across this intermittent fasting, which is you eat during an 8-hour window and then you don’t eat for 16 hours and you do that every day. For me, it looks like I don’t eat till noon, and then the last thing I can eat is 8 at night.

At the beginning it was so challenging. I mean, because physiology my body is like, “Have a snack,” or every time you go in the refrigerator, like, “Eat that sandwich,” and it was just on and on and on, and I’ll did was just these little victories of like, “No, I said I wouldn’t eat, so I’m not eating.” “All right. I said I wouldn’t eat at this time, so I’m not eating.” It was really, really challenging. The first months was like, “Oh my God! I don’t think I can do this.”

Then I noticed like it was getting easier and easier and easier and easier and I was starting to get bolder and bolder with the promises. Like I really felt it was if my personal power was coming to life. Literally, what I was experiencing was a victory for what I said over how I felt. So I would say to people, “Start – Layout some small, even just one small victory that’s a victory for what you said over how you feel and start to pepper your life with those little victories, like that’s a victory for what I said over how I feel. That’s a victory for what I said over how I feel, and you’ll actually start to see, gather this body of evidence for that your life could be a series of promises fulfilled.

[00:34:27] MB: That’s a great way to break it down, starting with small, easily definable, easily executable actions and promises, and it’s like a snowball rolling downhill. Slowly builds more and more and more momentum. That also makes me think of tangentially related idea or a theme that you talked about, which is this notion that we’re not defined by our feelings, our thoughts, our believes, but we’re only fundamentally defined. Our identities are really truly defined by our actions.

[00:34:57] GJB: Right. I wanted people to get the sense, because look, we all have an inner critique. We all have some internal dialogue, which basically – It exists like some kind of conundrum. It seems like no matter what you do, there it is. Whatever your sense – Mostly in our lives we’re trying to organize ourselves around it, right?

So if your internal dialogue is fundamentally from something like, “I’m not smart enough.” That will be guiding you in ways that you can’t even imagine. You will literally – It’ll seem like legitimate reasons, like, “Oh, I’m not doing it because of this, this, this, this and this,” but if you peel all that back you’ll see what’s the running the whole thing is I’m not smart enough, and I’m giving you an example here.

So now you’re actually being defined by something called I’m not smart enough. So your life is getting defined by – So those jobs you won’t apply for. You won’t write that book. You’re not going to move to that town. Why? Because at some level you don’t think you’re up to it. You’ll have a lot – Again, on the surface, compelling reasons. They all are being put there to kind of bring some logic to the whole thing. But ultimately, you are being pushed in a certain direction by something that’s going on with you below the surface.

I say, well, first, if you could recognize out this interest. Secondly, what if you could produce results that go beyond that? For me, writing a book was something that goes beyond what’s going on with me subconsciously. I mean, someone with my internal wiring wouldn’t write a book. It wouldn’t do it.

So the only way I am author by virtue of the actions I took, period. How I felt about all of that played little or no part in it, and if it’s only actions, like I talked to earlier, actions are the paradigm of change. That’s where your life changes, in the actions that you take and the actions that you don’t take. Then it brings a lot – It takes all the attention away from working on like – I don’t know, getting more confidence or whatever the thing is that I think may be going on with me internally that I need to fix, if I actually focus on, “Okay. But let’s say this thing that I want to do, what if I just did it?” Then you’re actually now – You’re living your life is a reflection of your action.

I mean, look, you’re currently living your life as a reflection of your actions. I mean, the life you have is given by what you did and didn’t do and that what you continue to do and not do. So, again, if you want to bring real insignificant change to the directions or the trajectory of your life, I know a lot of people will say, “Well, think differently.” I don’t think you have to. I think you need to do differently than you’ve done before. I think today you need to do something that you didn’t do yesterday, something that’s more in line with the future you’re out to have, and I think you increasingly need to pepper your lie with those kinds of actions, because when it comes down to it, you are what you do, rather than you are how you feel about what you do.

[00:38:23] MB: That’s a really powerful way to phrase it. What would you say to somebody who’s listening that’s thinking to themselves, “You’re just trying to bury your feelings or push your feelings aside, and that’s not necessarily a healthy way to think about taking action.”

[00:38:40] GJB: Well, I wouldn’t agree with burying your feelings. I think about a point in society where we’ve made our feelings. There was once upon a time in history where your feelings were completely discounted, and people had the experience of being suppressed I think would endanger of going the whole other way now, where it’s all about your feelings.

I’m not any different than anybody. I also experience loss, disappointment. I experienced all those things, and [inaudible 00:39:07]. At some point whether you’re experiencing any of those things, loss, or disappointment, or apathy, or you don’t experience yourself as somebody who has confidence. That actually is the only thing that you have any say in. You don’t have a say in what the world is going to do. The world is going to do what it’s going to do. You have a massive say in your experience of this world. Nobody is going to come and save you in that regard.

So I will acknowledge how I feel. If I’m in some kind of a negative state, I’ll acknowledge. I don’t just crush it and press it down. I don’t do any of that. I acknowledge it. I give it the space that it deserves. If you’ve given it more space than it deserves, it will have the final say in how your life goes. So I’m not going tell people like suppress their emotions. Saying to people, “You need to put them in prospect. You need to put them in the right place.” If you’re feeling sad or you’re feeling disappointed, those are appropriate to being a human being. They’re very appropriate to the experience of being a human being, but they’re not the kind of things that i would use to define my life.

As I say to people, “You’re more like a conduit as supposed to your location.” Experiences come and go. Feelings come and go. They’re legitimate. They’re real. They’re part of the notion of what it is to be a human being, but you should be aware and very responsible for the significance that you put on those feelings and you should be very responsible for the impact they have in your life overall, because no one can be responsible for that other than you. No one can have a say in that other than you. Ultimately, like I said, no one’s coming and save you. If you really want to do great things and go beyond your own set of personal constraints that will require you to act with those negative feelings sometimes there, sometimes not there.

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[00:43:08] MB: Earlier you talked about one of the core strategies for overcoming self-sabotage, being around the importance of creating alternatives for yourself, alternative ways of belief, alternative ways of understanding. How do we go about starting to create some of those alternatives?

[00:43:26] GJB: One of the things that I do, and I do this regularly, is I – This is an example that I used in Stop Doing That Shit and the latest book. It was said that when Michael Angelo created David, it was from a giant block of marble. It was said that in his mind, David was already done. All he was doing was revealing David. So every step, like he’s just taking another piece of way that was in David.

I invite people to kind of take their lives on that way, like they start with the ending. Start with, “This is done.” All I’m doing is revealing it. I look at my life in a day-to-day actions is what I’m doing today. Revealing a future or perpetuating the past is what I’m doing, revealing the future or perpetuating a past. In very short order, you’ll see that most of your life is about perpetuating the past.

So if I’m out to have a future of having written five books, every day I’m taking actions that are either consistent with five books or something else. So it’s not a hard comparison to make. It’s pretty easy to see you’re taking your life in a direction that’s not consistent with what you, yourself, have created. Again, that’s where the importance of those promises start to grow and become more significant.

[00:44:52] MB: How does forgiveness play into overcoming some of these limiting beliefs that contribute so much to self-sabotage?

[00:45:00] GJB: Yeah. If you or somebody who struggles to forgive, you better learn fast, because whatever you don’t forgive lives on with you. That includes forgiving yourself and forgiving others. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, because it feels like often for us as human beings, if I don’t forgive somebody at sometimes, it’s somehow evens up whatever they did or didn’t do, and it doesn’t. It perpetuates what they did or didn’t do, and you’re the one that’s left with the resentment.

So you can’t have no forgiveness without resentment. I don’t care how many times you convince yourself that you can. That’s bullshit. You can’t – By the way, if anybody is listening to this right now and they can experience their emotional state start to rise, that’s exactly what I’m talking about. That’s what you’ve given yourself. You’ve given yourself the gift of anger and resentment and upset. Sometimes it’s like you’re despondent or you’ve turned yourself into a victim or something. So as a human being, I feel as if it’s incumbent upon on each of us to forgive as quickly as possible. Why? Because the future is far more important than your unwillingness to forgive and to hang on to the past.

[00:46:25] MB: Such a powerful way to phrase that. I love that phrasing; the future is more important than your unwillingness to forgive.

[00:46:31] GJB: Correct. Look, I never said forgiveness is easy, but one of the things that I’m able to do with people is actually show them how to forgive. I mean, nobody really shows you how to do that. How do you forgive another? Or how do you forgive myself?

The one with yourself is a little easier. You don’t forgive yourself because it allows you to stay and whatever you’ve done. It allows you to keep that as some kind of excuse not to move ahead. So people say, “Oh, yeah. I can forgive all the people, but I can’t forgive myself.” Oh! You’re an asshole. You got to cut that shit out. I’ll tell you why you got to cut that shit out, because it allows you to justify this crappy life that you currently have. You’ll never ever get over your past until you deal with how you’ve used your past to justify the current life you have.

[00:47:28] MB: That’s one of my favorite quotes from your work. Tell me more. Unpack that a little bit more for me.

[00:47:34] GJB: Yeah. You’ve built a life around your past. I mean, it doesn’t seem like you have. You’ve become – Some people have become harsher because of their past. Some people have become less vulnerable in their mind because of their past. But if you read anything like Alan Watts for instance, he’ll tell you there’s no cause and effect from the past or the present. It’s not real. It’s a made up thing by human beings. You’re not really caused by the past. It’s just something you’ve hang on to. By the way, if any of your listeners who have never listened to Alan Watts, have read anything bu Alan Watts, he’ll shake your reality to its very core.

Some people would say, “Well, I’m on this relationship with this person, but we never had love when I was a kid. So I have to struggle when we have love I this relationship.” That’s an example of using the past to justify that you’re just unwilling to share or be vulnerable with this person. You’re just not willing to deal with whatever you need to deal with personally to love another. Therefore you perpetuate the myth of your own past.

I mean, the examples of massive. At a crappy drive when you worked this morning. So therefore the rest of the day is screwed, or, “Why you’re in a bad mood?” “Oh, it’s just I’m having a tough time right now.” “Well, not right now you’re not. You might have done yesterday, or this morning, or this week, or this month, but right now that’s using the past to justify yourself right now.”

So you didn’t always have a say in some of the stuff that happened in your life. You don’t always have a saying in some of that. But you have all the say in how that’s going to impact your life moving forward. Part of shacking yourself free from the grip of that and starting to realize that you are in fact very consciously using your past to justify your present. If you can uncover 1, 2, 10, 50 examples of that, you start to see that you’ve pretty much turned yourself into a small human being.

[00:49:39] MB: This is a bit of an aside, but I’m a tremendous Alan Watts fan. He’s one of my all-time favorite thinkers and writers and really one of the most insightful people. It’s amazing, because he died so many years ago. It was like 30, 40 years ago, and yet his work is still so powerful and so resonant.

[00:49:57] GJB: Yeah. Well, one of the things – I talk about this by the way in my latest book, Watts talked about causality, and that the illusion for human beings that causality travels from the past to the present and to the future like a line. It’s always flowing in one direction. So things are the way they are because of the way things have been. We live with that. I would call that no more than a superstition. Having been dwelling in that notion for probably a good five or six years now.

Causality is by and large a superstition and it’s voodoo, right? If you gather real thought, like when one makes able to hammer. The head of the hammer drives the nail cause and effect. Okay. Well, about the arm? Okay. What about the brain? What about the belief that the person has? What about – There’s so many other aspects. But if you give up the idea that something happens in the specifics of a causality, people talk about, “I am the way I am because of the way my father was.” No. You are the way you are because of the items that you cherry picked about your father that now explain the way you are, but there are a lot of other aspects about your father that you rode off or other aspects of your child that you just dismissed.

So then your whole notion of – I mean, why can’t I be caused by – If causality travels from the past to the present? Why can’t I be caused by some of the great days of my childhood? Why can’t that be the cause of why I am? Why can’t I be filled with joy because of that great day I spent playing soccer when I was nine? Why does it have to be that time when my father fought my mom?

I love dispelling the notion of causality, like I am here as a cause of something, like something caused me to be this way. I actually talk about this notion of reverse causality that is being caused by something yet to come, which is a whole lot of creation, right? What if I was influenced by caused by and inspired by that, which has not happened yet?

[00:52:11] MB: You know, that’s one of my favorite ideas from Alan Watts, this notion of the hammer hitting the nail. If you expand out anything, at this exact moment your entire life, any instance of anything that’s ever happened, it’s completely inseparable from everything. There’s no way to trace it back to anything except for the entire collective history of the whole cosmos.

[00:52:35] GJB: All right. That’s awesome. So therefore, like your petty complaints are a little more than just petty complaints.

[00:52:41] MB: That’s right. For listeners who – We’ve covered a lot of really interesting topics today. For listeners who want to concretely start somewhere with an action step or the way to begin implementing this, what would be one piece of homework that’s an action item that you would give to them to begin this journey?

[00:52:58] GJB: That’s a great question. This is what people can get to right away. Looking on in your life, whatever items you can choose, but something you’ve been tolerating, something you’ve been putting up with, something you’ve been putting off, something you’ve been ignoring or pretending about. It could be anything. It could be your closet in your bedroom. It could be your car. It could be those bills with taxes. Pick an item. One item that you’ve been tolerating and go handle it today.

I don’t mean like, “Oh, yeah! I want to do it in Thursday and next –” Handle it today. Take that item. Step up on your feet and go handle that item. Again, regardless of how you feel about that item [inaudible 00:53:41], I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m confused.” Get in there and get it handled.

Again, this is one of those things that has this accumulative effect. You’ll realize it after doing it, like you’re inspired to do another, and inspired to do another. So you want to make real change in your life. It begins by cleaning up some of the mess you’ve made. So there’s no point just going at the great stuff. Start cleaning up some mess. The more mess you clean up, you’ll realize the great stuff, things you thought you could do, start to get clearer and clearer. They come more into your field of vision and you’re more compelled to act on those things. Pick something simple. Pick something you’ve been tolerating and handle it.

[00:54:21] MB: Love it. That’s a great piece of homework for the listeners. For listeners who want to find more of your work, your books, etc., online, what is the best place for them to do that?

[00:54:32] GJB: You can find me on my website, garyjohnbishop.com. You can find me on Twitter @GaryJohnBishop. I’m on Instagram @GaryJohnBishop. You can find me on Facebook. One of the things that I’m really committed is that people get lots of free stuff. So I’m always putting stuff out online that will inspire you or cause you to think, really have you engage with that idea.

Obviously, on my website, you can buy any of my books. I’ve got a couple of courses on there. Courses are cheap. I don’t do this 99 bucks a month stuff. You can actually buy one of my courses that last for about 3-1/2 hours. You get all of the materials with it to do the course. It’ll cost you maybe – It depends. Something just sells on 75 bucks, 99 bucks for the course and you have the course for its entirety and you can do it as many times you’ll like. So I’m committed that people get to interact with me and participate with my work at a kind of cost that doesn’t require them, I guess, like a job or something.

[00:55:27] MB: Well, Gary, thank you so much for coming on the show, for sharing all these wisdom, some really insightful ideas and thoughts and examples and a great piece of action for the listeners to take after they listen to this episode.

[00:55:39] GJB: Awesome. Thanks for having me.

[00:55:41] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you, our listeners, master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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May 09, 2019 /Lace Gilger
Focus & Productivity, Decision Making
Dr. LouAnn Brizendine-01.png

The Scientific Difference Between Female & Male Brains with Dr. LouAnn Brizendine

May 02, 2019 by Lace Gilger in Decision Making, Influence & Communication

In this episode we discuss the the male and female brains. Are they different? If so, what are the differences and do they matter? We look at the science behind all of this and unlock key insights into how you can improve your health, happiness, and relationships with by using a few simple strategies with our guest Dr. Louann Brizendine.

Dr. Louann Brizendine is the Founder of The Women's Mood and Hormone Clinic and a neuropsychiatrist at UCSF. She is the author of the New York Times best-selling books, "The Female Brain" and "The Male Brain"  and executive producer of the 2017 movie, The Female Brain. She has served as faculty at both Harvard and UCSF and her work has been featured in The Harvard Business Review, The Guardian, and much more!

  • How do we use science of a decision-making framework?

  • Should we stop using science to shape our decisions because it gets things wrong?

  • Why do scientists and experts often hedge their bets when citing evidence and research?

  • Can we believe Science? Is science useful or not?

  • Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater - science and give us really actionable and useful information starting today 

  • The process and the progress of science is constantly questioning and constantly testing your assumptions - this is how you move towards the best answers and objective truth

  • The male and female brain are more alike than they are different, but they do have differences 

  • Starting as early as eight weeks of fetal life, the male’s tiny testicles start to pump out testosterone that shape substantial changes in the male’s brain vs the female’s brain

  • The biology is straightforward - males and females have different brains

  • The major differences in the male and female brain have to do with reproduction 

  • Puberty impacts males and females differently, and shapes their brains and behaviors in a number of ways 

  • From age 11 to age 15 - a man's testosterone levels spike by 25x 

  • How much of our gender roles are a result of culture, parenting, and biology?

  • “Relationship play” vs “rough and tumble play” for young boys and girls 

  • Is the debate on nature vs nurture dead?

  • These behavioral patterns and traits are like a standard distribution that mostly overlap, but do have differences 

  • Does this research about the human brain reinforce gender stereotypes and biases?

  • What is ‘daddy brain’ and how does it affect men?

    • Testosterone decreases by 30% for about 6 months

    • This triggers the male brain to be more protective and more nurturing 

    • You can hear infants cry from much further away

  • Video games impact the male brain by tapping into your search for mastery and flow

  • How do we shape or change our behavior as a result of our different brains?

  • Other people are different from you - they think differently! 

  • Why offering people advice or solutions instead of validating their feelings can often be the wrong strategy 

  • If you’re missing the emotional component when to try to influence people, you’re missing a key piece 

  • Homework: For men - say “Honey, I know how you feel” and then pause 

  • Homework: For women - Men’s testosterone levels are 10x more than yours, that means your partner is (if you’re the same age) 3x more sexually interested than you are 

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Want To Dig In More?! - Here’s The Show Notes, Links, & Research

General

  • Dr. Brizendine’s Website

  • Dr. Brizendine’s Facebook

  • Dr. Brizendine’s LinkedIn

  • Dr. Brizendine’s Wiki Page

Media

  • [Blog Article] Carl Sagan’s Cosmos, Conciousness, Venus Colonies and More by Matt Bodnar

  • [Article] Simply Psychology - “Pavlov's Dogs” By Saul McLeod

  • [Article] “Eleanor Maccoby: How Much Do Parents Matter? Reading and Misreading Behavior Genetics” By Christine VanDeVelde Luskin

  • Article directory on Huffpost

  • ABC News - Louann Brizendine: 'The Male Brain'

  • [Article] The Guardian - Do women really talk more? By Stephen Moss

  • [Article] Booktopia - Nature v Nurture – Louann Brizendine’s take on it all by Toni Whitmont

  • [Article] HBR article - One Reason Women Don’t Make It to the C-Suite by Louann Brizendine, MD

  • [Podcast] Art of Manliness - #410: The Male Brain

  • [Podcast] Live Life Better - LouAnn Brizendine

  • [Podcast] Human Current - Episode 59: A Closer Look At The Female Brain

    • Accompanying Blog post: Dr. Louann Brizendine on Modern Life & the Female Brain by Haley Campbell

  • [Podcast] Podfanatic - Episode: Brizendine, Dr. Louann — The Female & the Male Brain: There is a Difference

Videos

  • Maker’s Video Interview List

  • LouAnn’s Youtube Channel

  • Philippe SHOCK Matthews - Dr. Louann Brizendine on the Male HATE Brain

    • Dr. Louann Brizendine on the Sexual Harassment Brain

  • The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine - Book Review

  • The How Movement - Ghetto Stress on the Female Brain - Dr Louann Brizendine

  • Louann Brizendine | Talks at Google (

  • One Mind - The Female and Male Brains in Psychiatry: Dr. Louann Brizendine

  • TED Talks - Louann Brizendine at TEDxBerkeley

  • The Female Brain (2017 Film Adaptation)

Books

  • [Book] The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine

  • [Book] The Male Brain: A Breakthrough Understanding of How Men and Boys Think by Louann Brizendine

Misc

  • [Wiki Article] Couvade syndrome

  • US News Health Profile - LouAnn Brizendine

  • LouAnn Brizendine IMDB page

Episode Transcript

[00:00:04.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[0:00:11.8] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success; the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than three million downloads and listeners in over a hundred countries.

In this episode, we discuss the female and male brains. Are they different? If so, what are the differences and do they matter? We look at the science behind all of this and unlock key insights into how you can improve your health, happiness and relationships by using these simple strategies with our guest, Dr. Louann Brizendine.

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Have you ever desperately wanted something and then as soon as you get it, or as soon as you achieve it, you seemingly toss it aside and move on to the next thing? In our previous episode, we explored the powerful brain science behind why this happens. We looked at dopamine; how it shapes your behavior, why it causes you to do certain things and motivates you to achieve new things, but also why it can be dangerous if it becomes too imbalanced. We shared strategies for enhancing and harmonizing with your brain’s dopamine circuitry and much more in our previous interview with Dr. Daniel Z. Lieberman. If you want to finally break free from the cycle of chasing your tail, listen to that episode.

Now, for our interview with Dr. Brizendine.

[0:03:09.8] MB: Today, we have another unique guest on the show, Dr. Louann Brizendine. Dr. Brizendine is the Founder of the Women's Mood and Hormone Clinic and a Neuropsychiatrist at UCSF. She's the author of the New York Times bestselling books, The Female Brain and The Male Brain, and the executive producer of the 2017 movie, The Female Brain. She has served as faculty at both Harvard and UCSF and her work has been featured in the Harvard Business Review, The Guardian and much more. Dr. Brizendine, welcome to the Science of Success.

[0:03:40.7] LB: Hi, Matt. Thanks for having me.

[0:03:42.8] MB: Well, we're very excited to have you on the show today and to really explore some of the topics that you've researched and written and spoken about. Before we get into the meat of your work, I'd love to start with something that we were hashing out and just started to have a really interesting conversation about in the pre-show that I think is really relevant for the listeners. This is the idea of science as a decision-making framework. How do you think about how we integrate and use scientific knowledge to make better decisions?

[0:04:11.8] LB: Well, I think one of the things that when you're in the scientific world, you're so cognizant of the fact that everything that we know today – you can ask me a question today, what as of today do I know to be true? I can only tell you what I know to be true today, but I can also tell you about well, we're not quite sure about this and we're not quite sure about that, so we're doing more work on these things, so that maybe five years from now, we'll have some different answers for you.

It's always this issue of hedging your bets, even about what you know to be true today. In science, I think it's confusing sometimes to the public because we are as scientists, always hedging our bets. We also do know three or four things that are lurking in our peripheral vision that may do something to change our theories a bit, or to change what we think is scientifically true a bit.

We're always a scientist holding what we know is true today, but that tomorrow it may not be quite as true. For the public, it feels like well, if something is hedgy, if someone's hedging on, an expert's hedging on it today, what can we really believe? Is science really true, or science not true? I think that's an unfortunate conclusion that sometimes the public makes. As you throw the baby out with the bathwater, you don't focus on something that can be actionable, some really important piece of scientific information that we know to be say 98% true today that you could take in your life and make it actionable and really help yourself.

I encourage your audience to take some of the scientific truths of today for just what they are. They are the truths of today, which doesn't mean that we're not going to have modifications of them in coming years.

[0:05:59.6] MB: What would you say to somebody who thinks to themselves, or even has a friend or family member who says something like, “Well, science gets stuff wrong all the time. I'm just going to ignore it, or I'm just going to go with my gut, or I just don't believe that”?

[0:06:13.6] LB: I would just say that of course, science gets things all wrong all the time and they get many things wrong. A lot of things they of course get right, but the process and the progress of science is constantly questioning, okay, is this thing that we just showed in this experiment, okay, how true is it? Is it true in all situations? Let's do another set of 10 experiments to test that out to see if that theory is true in other situations.

Science is always constantly – the whole goal of science is to test, test, test to make sure that what we think is true really is true, so we are constantly questioning ourselves as scientists, questioning our theories. That is just part of the progress of science, but it is the heart of the scientific process itself.

[0:07:00.1] MB: We're getting out on a tangent a little bit, but to me, somebody like a Carl Sagan is such an intellectual hero of mine, because he really popularized and taught and shared people the power of the scientific method and constantly questioning yourself, constantly testing your assumptions, and how that can be a very useful and impactful way to think about the world and to think about your life.

[0:07:27.2] LB: Absolutely. I think that Carl Sagan is also a hero of mine, because of the way of thinking about science and the scientific method. I think this is why it's important for all of us to have at least a little bit of scientific learning through different parts of school, is so that we understand how scientists think. Scientists never claimed to have the absolute once and for all truth about something. Scientists are always experimenting and trying to move the ball further and further down the field.

[0:07:59.5] MB: Ultimately, that that questioning and that constant testing gets us to stronger answers and moves us towards a more robust understanding of what is really true.

[0:08:11.9] LB: Absolutely. I think, especially I'm so aware of that in my field, which is looking lots at the brain connections and the brain aspects of gender differences in the brain, because the male and female brain are more alike than they are different. After all, we are the same species, right Matt?

[0:08:33.6] MB: I think so. No, I’m just kidding.

[0:08:36.2] LB: Yes. There's so much involved in that. What we do know is that from the moment of conception, when that sperm enters the egg, if the sperm is carrying an X, the baby will be female. If it's carrying a Y, the baby will be male. From the moment of conception onwards, we are gendered, if you will. Well, you're going to be male or female. At eight weeks of fetal life, the male tiny testicles start to put out huge amounts of testosterone that marinates the brain and body of the male fetus changing the brain and the body into male. By the time we're all born, we're either born male or female.

That doesn't mean that we're obviously not in different species, but we are a version of humanity. You end up being a male version of humanity, or a female version of humanity. Most everything works just about the same, but there's a whole bunch of different things in different parts of the circuits the area for sexual pursuit, is about two times larger in the male brain, right? From the get-go. That's made during that fetal life and is then triggered by all of the testosterone surge at age 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15. In males during male puberty, that whole system is turned on like a light bulb.

It's important to know that that's completely the natural, normal unfolding of the male sex. That's how you guys are wired. In females, we are developed from that moment of conception until we're born without testosterone. The absence of testosterone lets our circuits develop in the female, or the default mode. The default mode in a way is the female circuitry. Then of course during puberty, we get all the estrogen surges and the progesterone surges and we shape our circuitry, our behavior, our motivations are tilted in the female direction.

These things are built on those principles. Those are the principles that we understand that we know and those haven't changed really from our understanding from the last 50 years. That different aspects of it of course and new elements of how that happens, in some ways in which it can be a bit different happen. The same-sex attraction that happens in – if you're going to be same-sex attracted, that usually happens in puberty for both males and females, that unfolds in that direction.

We don't understand much about how that happens for different brain circuits, but we know that all of the aspects of who we're going to be sexually attracted to happens usually at the unfolding of puberty.

[0:11:30.4] MB: Before we dig into some of the puberty effects on the brain, I want to come back to this fundamental premise and perhaps even explore a little bit, or hear about your journey and your story of how you came to some of these conclusions that the male and female brain are in fact different.

[0:11:48.8] LB: Right. I just laid out how the science goes, how the biology and the unfolding of if you have a Y-chromosome, you're going to develop in the male direction, if you have an X, you're going to develop in the female direction. Now that says something about how your brain circuits and your body and your genitals, how they develop, that's just biology. I mean, that's how the biology unfolds.

I think that what happens is that many people then it's hard to take that into other realms. Like oh, does that mean girls aren't good at math and that boys are better at math? Basically, both brains can do the same kinds of things. There's an equal number of high, very high IQ females, as there are high IQ males. The aspects of intelligence and the aspects of other parts of how the brain functions aren't different. The male and female brain are like I said, they're more alike than different. After all, we are the same species.

The parts that are different have to do with reproduction. Basically, the means of reproduction, or the seeking out a sexual partner to reproduce, those are made in different categories; male and female. That's how we all get started in life. That doesn't necessarily mean that the only thing we are is male or female. I'm a female, who happens to really like science. Matt, you may be a male who – maybe I don't know, maybe you like to – maybe you like costumes, or fabrics, I don't know. I mean, it doesn't – whatever it is that you happen to be interested in, doesn't necessarily only have to do with which sex you are.

[0:13:31.6] MB: Tell me more about these changes, or these differences in the brain and how it impacts male and female behavior, especially around reproductive behavior.

[0:13:44.7] LB: I think one of the things that I like to talk about and I talked a lot about that in my book, The Female Brain, which I think when a lot of guys read that, they say that – especially chapter 2, which is the teen girl brain chapter, really explains a lot about what it's like to be a teen girl in terms of looking at it from the brain perspective.

For example, as the estrogen-progesterone cycles start to happen after a girl goes through puberty, all kinds of things get stimulated in her brain that are – she gets very interested in her appearance. I mean, you probably know this. Both of you guys know some girls in your life that are like, they're really into dressing a certain way, they want their shoes to be a certain way, their hair, their makeup.

I can remember myself at that age, I would read. In those days, it was the Seventeen Magazine, or all the girls’ magazines. I wanted to know what it would be like. I want to look like – I want to be hot. I want to be, have males be attracted to me and what was I going – how did I do that? How did I figure that out?

Girls are trying to figure that out all the time, because part of their biology and their hormonal triggering of the motivation, the behavioral motivation in their brain to look hot and attract the opposite sex, if they're opposite sex attracted, is basically to spend time on their parents; figure out what that's going to be like, how you're going to get guys to be attracted to you is the subtext of that urge and that motivation.

I mean, it's almost like the hormones that trigger your hunger. These things are built-in biologically. We don't think that they are. We think, oh – I mean, I know a lot of guys that I've talked to, they're in the teenage age group. They feel like – and I have a 29-year-old son, so he goes just like, “Mom, I just can't stand all these girls with all this makeup and all the time they spend on this and their hair.” He says, “Why are they doing that for? It doesn't make them look any better.” That's from a guy's perspective.

From the woman's perspective, it's very different. Trying to attract male attention is how the female brain is wired during those stages of a female's life. On the flipside, the male at age 13.5 is the average age of male puberty. We measure that by the age at the first wet dream is 13.5. We know that all the systems are working by then. Girls are about age 12.1 if they're Caucasian, Asian girls are a little later, like about age 13, African-American, Hispanic girls are a little bit younger, more a bit like 11.

Female puberty happens say between somewhere between ages 10 and 13. Their circuits are going to light up in wanting to be spending more time being attractive. The males on the other hand, once their testosterone goes up from about 15 or 20 up to a level of 300-400. Of course, by the time you're about 19-years-old, your testosterone level can be up to the level of 800 to a 1,000. It really is a very rapid curve straight up during ages 13, 14, 15.

That turns on all of these circuits that I call that area for sexual pursuit. Guys are like, they're tracking things, every pair of breasts that walk by catches their attention, all kinds of sexual interest all over the map for boys. Their thoughts of sex come rapid-fire. Anything can make them think of sex. That's a teenage boy’s motivation, interest in their biology is all hooked into that as it were. That's how the hormones and biology are motivating their behavior.

I mean, it's not the only thing they're doing. It's not that they are not going to do their homework, or they're not going to practice whatever sport they're doing, but they are going to have this other thing. It's almost like having – you walk into a sports bar and the TV is always on in the background. It's this whole area for sexual pursuit is always on in the background after a male goes through puberty. That's just how you’re normally naturally wired.

I think that it's interesting. When females – when girls find that out, you know that that's what's going on in the male brain, they're quite shocked actually. I think when guys figure out what's going on in the female brain at their stage, it's also very interesting, especially when you have your first girlfriend and you make it into the areas of the other area I study which I study PMS and kinds of the mood issues of the menstrual cycle is another one of my areas of expertise.

There's a whole lot of interest, I think in young males trying to figure out what that's about since the female brain and their hormones changes up to 25% a month, certain areas can go through a lot of hormonal structural changes.

[0:18:57.7] MB: During this onset of puberty, these hormone levels are spiking to, forgive me for probably botching the numbers, but I mean, it's 10X, 20X, 50X, huge spikes, right, for both men and women of different hormones.

[0:19:12.4] LB: Yeah. I have a graph on page 33 of my book, called the male brain, that takes the male from age about 11-years-old to 15. Yes, that curve goes straight up, like times 25. It's just a 25-fold increase in testosterone levels. The testosterone, it's going to be making male beards grow, hair grow, makes your Adam's apple grow larger, your voice is going to change and get deeper, penis gets larger, testicles get larger, all the male sexual characteristics get larger; your muscle mass starts to change a lot, because testosterone is a huge growth factor for muscle. Males are just turning into the male body that we all know. That's happening at that age.

[0:20:02.1] MB: How did your research change, or shape your perceptions on whether or not, or which gender roles are socially constructed and which are more biologically skewed?

[0:20:14.4] LB: That's a great question, because that gets us into to the taking it out somewhat of the biology, but not as much as you might think, but putting it into. How much is the construction of which gender we are happen by the way we’re raised, or the way culture raised us? Like the phrase, boys don't cry, right? They're like, man up. Boys don't cry. When you say that to a four-year-old who's just falling down on the soccer field and rip the skin off his knee, that is a cultural overlay on to telling that little boy what's acceptable and what's not acceptable based on his gender.

Or just maybe allowing, encouraging little girls, or comforting little girls more when they cry, let's say. The meaningfulness of those kinds of behaviors towards children based on which sex they are don't go unnoticed. We all will respond to what we're encouraged, or discouraged from doing. You look at three and four-year-old boys in preschools, a woman named Eleanor Maccabee down at Stanford worked for about 40 years in the preschool setting, taking detailed research of all the behaviors of the boys and girls who played in their play groups.

Little boys would very quickly start to – they would sit down with the little girls maybe in play, what's called this role play type of thing, where the little girls say, “Okay, you be the daddy and I'll be the mommy, or you'll be the doctor and I'll be the patient.” Little boys will sit and go through maybe one turn or two of that, and then they're up and wanting to run and do stuff with the other like, “Come on guys. Let's go get them.” They want to fight the enemy.

These behavioral modalities, about 90% of little girls are more interested in what's called relationship play at that age, than little boys are. Little boys are much more interested in fighting the enemy and they get more interested in explosions and basically, having much what's called rough-and-tumble play. No one really taught them how to do this, it's been discovered, but this is just part of the way boys tend to be wired, or at least 90% of them. They are then culturally reinforced for that. Or maybe the 10% of little girls who prefer the rough-and-tumble play, they may be discouraged a bit from that.

I think the way things have changed in the last 25 years is basically having more allowances for just having the individual child develop along whatever path they choose, rather than trying to impose, or the cultural mandates on them of how a little girl versus a little boy is supposed to behave. That being said, those things that are culturally mandated either by your family, or by your school, or by your peers, or by your peers’ families, whatever the source of it is, don't go unnoticed. We start to craft who we are in terms of our personhood based on our gender by these experiences we have that will either provide us an outlet to be encouraged or discouraged from certain behaviors that are considered gender specific.

[0:23:29.1] MB: You made a comment and this might be pulling from the depths, and forgive me if this is out of left field. You made a comment in your Google Talk, which was some time ago. You said that nature versus nurture is dead, or something around that. I was curious. That particular line really stuck out to me and I wanted to know what you meant by that. I think it might fit into the context what we're talking about now. I'd love to hear you elaborate on it.

[0:23:53.6] LB: Exactly. I mean, the old theory was that everything was nurture and not very much was nature, right? That everything, that gender was completely socially constructed and that everything was based on nurture, whether you became a boy or a girl. Of course, the biology that I just told you about is very clear and that is nature.

The other piece that we also know is that all of the things that are the nurturing things we talked about, or the environment, or the cultural mandates about gender, those start to act also upon the brain. You're learning and behavior all start – if you're punished for crying as a little boy, then that becomes part of your inhibitory brain circuits. Your brain circuits start to shut down that behavior, shut down the – whenever you want to start to cry, you'll just start to shut that down. That is not just only a conscious decision, but your actual brain circuits start to develop in such a way that they will shut those behaviors down.

I mean, you can watch how – if you train dogs, right? You train animals and you basically have them rewarded or punished for doing certain things. It starts to become part of their brain circuit. That's why how you're nurtured, or how your culture mandates certain things, it be interwoven into the brain circuits, so that becomes nature. Nature and nurture are really not different. They are the same thing. That's why the nature-nurture dichotomy is dead.

[0:25:30.1] MB: Pavlovian conditioning is such a powerful mental model. It's really interesting to hear how it can play into childhood development and even gender roles to some degree as well.

[0:25:40.1] LB: Absolutely. I mean, part of that it's true for all of us. That's why really trying to enhance each individual's – to maximize each of our own creative and intellectual potential is what I think as a society, we are trying to work towards with all children. That would be certainly the ideal to work towards.

[0:26:01.8] MB: That's another point that you brought up earlier that I think is worth rehashing and bringing up is this idea that a lot of these behavioral patterns are more like a standard distribution, that have a lot of overlap with some differences. Each individual may be on one side of the other distribution and they may exhibit a lot of tendencies that may not, maybe atypical or different, but every individual was totally unique in the way that they interact with the world and their preferences, behaviors and that thing.

[0:26:32.3] LB: Exactly. I think in pie charts sometimes, because it's helpful to – The pie chart of me, who I am, when I was second, third grade, I really enjoyed – I would say I was more of a tomboy. That meant that I liked to go with the neighborhood boys next door and go out and hunt for lizards and snakes. I mean, I was into the reptiles. That was not very girly. I'm just not. I also had my dolls. I also had toys and I definitely liked fashion and I liked fabrics and liked designing clothes for my dolls.

Those were all parts of me and who I was. I always went – I was fishing with my dad from the time I was about three or four. I could put a hook into a fish. I could gaff a fish and unhook him, from the time I was pretty young. Those are things that were both because of my family of origin, but also because nobody told me I couldn't go hunt for lizards with the boys in the neighborhood, right? Those are parts of me that were maybe not – some of them might have been supposedly in the other category of being more boy things.

I think that everybody has – you may fit right in the median on some of your tendencies and you may fit two standard deviations off in other areas, which is that's not – that doesn't mean there’s anything's wrong with you. It's just how you as an individual and your particular genetics are wired.

[0:28:06.1] MB: This might be getting a little bit off-topic, but I'm curious, how have you dealt with people who would characterize your research as furthering gender biases?

[0:28:16.1] LB: Well, I can understand that if you just take it on a very simplistic superficial basis and not having read anything I wrote. I mean, if you just think it like, “Oh, someone talks about the male and female brain. That's just going to reinforce gender stereotypes and blah, blah, blah.” I can certainly understand it from that very superficial perspective.

On the other hand, I talk about – the stuff I talk about is just basic science of hormones, behavior and biological development. I think stereotypes are very dangerous actually. Some of the studies where they will read some girls that are maybe junior high, they'll read them a paragraph about how girls can't do math and all this stuff. Then they'll take another and then give them a test. Then they'll take another group of girls and tell them how girls are good at this and good at other things and can be good – Those girls, maybe they all have the same IQ and the girls who are told that girls aren't good at math will do badly on, or do worse on the test than the other girls.

That's one of those – I think a profound study that shows the negative aspects of stereotypes, of gender stereotypes. I think we all have to guard against gender stereotypes, racial stereotypes. All kinds of stereotypes are just – they're very offensive to the individual that you're trying to deal with, because that person, you have no idea who that person is, where they came from, what their background is, what their talent sets are. The reason brains like to deal with stereotypes, it's an ability to have shorthand. Our brain likes to be able to make up shorthand for something, so that we don't have to think too hard, right?

Every individual that you run across in your life, ideally you would take them as being someone you would just like to learn who they are about, what they're about, what their background is and you don't come to them with any stereotype. You just want to let them flower the way they are. That's my comment on stereotypes. I think all of them are bad.

[0:30:21.8] MB: I want to change gears radically and come back to something else you've written about, which is very relevant for me personally having a six-month-old, daughter which is daddy brain. Tell me a little bit about that.

[0:30:36.7] LB: I think that if you start with the phrase human brain, human parenting brain, the parent brain. I think that a lot of women, because we are the ones who carry the baby, birth the baby, breastfeed the baby, right? That's what's going on in your household right now. Fathers are really incredibly, even biologically involved. They basically have found that in the first – within the first two or three months of your partner's pregnancy, if you're living together in the same house, I think this may or may not be true if someone's spouse is away, say in Iraq or something.

If you're living with that person and you're the father of that child and your partner, your wife is pregnant, you start to have hormonal changes that you may or may not be aware of. I mean, you heard of couvade syndrome, or couvade syndrome, C-O-U-V-A-D-E. It's where the male gets basically the same appetite as the female and often gains up to 25 pounds during her pregnancy, because you're also eating for two, but it's thought to be pheromonal/hormonal. Male’s testosterone level drops about 20% to 30%. Your other hormone, which is called prolactin, P-R-O-L-A-C-T-I-N, prolactin. It means actually pro-lactation. It's the hormone that causes milk in the breasts.

Males also have it. We don't really know what it's doing in the male brain, or in the daddy brain, but it increases by 20% or 30% during the whole gestation of the – then after birth. Right at about six months, yours is starting to go back to your pre-levels. During that first six months of the baby's life, if you're living with that child, your testosterone level is still a bit low and your prolactin level is very high.

The thinking is that it's really triggering the male brain, the daddy brain to become protective and basically, to become parent. You've probably seen those studies where they measure the ability of the female brain to hear an infant crying. If the female has had babies before, if she's already had children versus someone who hasn't, she hears the babies, infants cry a lot more. It's a lot louder, it's a lot she wakes her up more, than a female who's never had children. If you take a male who's never had children, he hardly hears the crying at all.

You take a dad, once you've had the experience as well, it's not quite as robust or as for a female brain in terms of hearing an infant cry, but once you've been a dad, your ability to hear infants cry based on MRIs studies of crying infants, that whole auditory circuit in your brain just lights up a Christmas tree when you hear babies cry. Beforehand, before you ever became a dad, it was – it’s flat-lined in your auditory circuits for hearing the baby cry. I think that's very interesting to watch the actual formation of the daddy brain.

[0:33:41.0] MB: I've definitely experienced that. I used to be able to sleep through a hurricane and now I'm like a ninja. I can hear my daughter crying from half of building away. I'm like, “What was that? Was that a cry?”

[0:33:51.9] LB: You see. There you go. You’re proof positive, Matt. Isn't it amazing though that you watched the changes you've gone through and just the – I don't know if you've just felt like that. You're in awe. You're a totally different person.

[0:34:05.2] MB: You said after about six months, the testosterone levels start to revert back to normal, is that correct?

[0:34:11.2] LB: Yes, yes. You should be right on the threshold.

[0:34:16.2] MB: Very exciting.

[0:34:19.4] LB: I don't know that. There's all kinds of theories about why that happens, whatever. The comments also often made well, that keeps him – he's not going to be out chasing skirts. He should be home, trying to build the nest for his child. That's the way mother nature made it, so that you'll stay close to the nest and be set up to be more nurturing and protective of your child. That all makes sense. Obviously, not every male does that, but about 90% of men have this phenomenon happened to them.

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[0:36:46.1] MB: Another topic that you've talked a little bit about and I'm very curious to dig into is how video games affect the male brain.

[0:36:55.0] LB: Well, that's these days a very, very big question. Things are also related to the amount of minutes or hours you do this thing, right? If you're playing a video game over and over and over again, I know that the major games that guys like to play are these single shooter games, right? The single shooter games are the best – the billion-dollar industry. That repetitive play, depending on how many hours a day you do it, etc., it basically can crowd out other things.

The effect of the video games on the male brain are it gives guys great pleasure in doing that, because they love the mastery that comes from being able to have the fine motor skills and also to understand the aspects of the game and to actually be able to win and to go up levels, all that. It's a very gratifying world to live in. I think, the only thing that – especially we look at in teen boys is that the danger becomes that that is the world they live in. That their daily diet of video games, versus other things that you need to be learning to do, and say your social world, or even in physical activity world, get downplayed a bit when you're doing too many hours of that.

[0:38:13.5] MB: I want to look at some of the conclusions or lessons that we can draw from your research, whether that's communication strategies, or behavior changes, how do you think about – for somebody who's listening to this episode, how can we start to apply some of these lessons around the different – the male brain and the female brain to shape our behavior more effectively?

[0:38:37.9] LB: Well, I think that it's a generalizable thing that comes out of it, which is basically that the other person in front of you is different than you are. That really comes as a big aha moment for many of us, because we like to think that other people are just like us, or that their motivations and the way they will make a decision about something that's presented to them would be the same that we would do.

I think that just on a very basic foundation is that to know that the female’s motivation, driven to some extent by the hormonal fluctuations that are totally normal and appropriate are maybe driving her, or urging her to do things that are different than would be driving you as an adult male with your high testosterone levels to do.

I think that the actionable thing from this research is that your level of understanding of being able to put yourself in the other person's shoes based on something that you've learned from this science is really, really helpful in your ability to deal with the opposite sex.

[0:39:49.7] MB: I'd love to have a specific example of that, if you have one.

[0:39:53.6] LB: Okay. Because I study premenstrual syndrome, or PMS, which is that usually for about 80% of females, about three or four days, or even that one or two days right before onset of your menstrual period is a time when your progesterone level has been very, very high and all of a sudden, it crashes down into the pits by whatever, 10, 20-fold. Progesterone acts in the brain almost like valium. It makes you feel pretty calm. Then all of a sudden when it drops, it makes you feel almost in valium withdrawal, which means very irritable, very emotional, easily triggered.

Different females, 20% don't have any of this. About 80% will say, “Oh, they will become either irritable, or pushing you away,” or we call it in my clinic the crying over dog food commercials sign. Bursting into tears over something that ordinarily wouldn't make you cry. If you take your girlfriend to the movie that's a sad movie, but maybe not that sad, she might on that day before her period starts to cry easily over things. Or you may say something to her that was a little bit insensitive, but maybe not all that insensitive. She may just either fly off the handle in an angry rage at you, or burst into tears, or to feel rejected by you and like you don't love her, or all of – It's an emotional overreaction that can actually happen very, very easily in that particular hormonal state.

I think that for guys to realize that and that there's nothing you can't – don't you dare say, “Oh, wait. Honey, is at that time of the month?” We don't appreciate that, because that just makes it worse. I think being on the alert about that particular vulnerability that's not – it's not about who she is. It's not who she is the whole month, but it may be just a vulnerability on that single day before her period starts.

Just to also know that if she blows up at you, it's not – if it's a fight that you just had that there's something need to be resolved, I tell the guy when they come to my office as a couple, I'll have him write down on a sticky or something what the issue was, put it in a drawer. Three or four days later, if it's something important to discuss, bring it up again when you're both in your best state.

[0:42:24.0] MB: Another example that I've heard you share is and forgive me if I’m misphrasing, or mischaracterizing, the idea of how males will often focus on solution-seeking, instead of validating feelings.

[0:42:37.7] LB: Oh, boy. That's a big one. Because when I was writing The Male Brain, my husband is a neuroscientist too, but he's a guy's guy, what can I say? I wrote this little yellow sticky for him on his computer that said – it just had the words, “Honey, I know how you feel, period.” Whenever I would come home with something that was going on at the clinic, or something at the university, or somebody did this or that and I was – I would come home and be upset about it and telling them about it, he used to just turn to me and say, “Honey, you know what you should do, you should do blah.” He was immediately telling me how to fix it, right?

He had the solution handed to me. That is not what I wanted actually. I needed to hear him say, to empathize with them to say, “Honey, I know how you feel. He would now turn and read that little yellow sticky off his computer.” I was surprised, because it was just a little game we had played. It was not really meant to – I mean, I didn't realize it would have that effect it had on me. When he said that to me, “Oh, my God.” All of my nervous system just relaxed and I was actually then more open to hearing what he had to say to try to fix it.

Before when he immediately would jump into like, “You know what you should do. Blah, blah, blah, you should do this, or you should – ” I felt he hadn't really heard me. He hadn't gotten on my wavelength about how I felt about it. That seem to be a very common complaint and big difference between male and female approaches to emotional problem-solving.

[0:44:13.4] MB: That was one that definitely resonated with me. I mean, longtime listeners of the show will probably know this as well, but I'm a huge proponent of rationality and cold rational thinking and we were talking earlier about Carl Sagan and the scientific process and all this. When I encounter a problem, my state is always, “All right, how can we rationally break this down and solve it?” The other thing that I've learned over the course of doing this show and lots of interviews with tons of scientists and psychologists and people who talk about emotional intelligence is that there's a whole other side of interaction that if you're ignoring the emotional component, you're missing a huge piece of the ballgame.

[0:44:50.5] LB: Oh, absolutely. I think that they try and teach this in businesses. They try and teach it in business school and stuff now to some degrees. If you are somehow missing the emotional component of whatever is going on in the room, or going on with that person, or that client, or that – or your partner, or your girlfriend, or your boyfriend, if you’re missing the emotional component, then you're not going to get buy-in from them at all about, because they don't think you get it. If you're not able to express that you understand the emotional component of where they're at, then whatever you're trying to negotiate is really going to fall flat.

[0:45:29.2] MB: What would be one action item, or concrete step piece of homework that you would give to somebody listening to this episode, to concretely apply some of the ideas and themes that we've talked about today?

[0:45:42.8] LB: Well, I think guys might do well to take a little yellow sticky that says, “Honey, I know how you feel.” Put it on your computer, or wherever it is you're usually in the house when she comes home and just try it out. Do a little experiment. Do a little scientific experiment and see how that works. When she comes home, or she's whatever, or she’s telling you, “God, you know what my sister did? Or do you know what my mother or my father –” Usually family stuff, right?

Did this today, whatever and you're listening to it and you can hear how upset she is, then you just say, “Honey, I know how you feel.” Then just pause after that last word for a moment. That would be something that's an actionable experiment to try, because I do agree that males tend to be – they like the process of rational decision-making so much that they get overly – that's the part that they like the best and they take some bad experiences sometimes to learn the other, so that would be good.

I think just to understand that maybe the other person – I mean, for women, it's very important to realize also that the male testosterone levels are always about 10 times what yours are. That makes sexual interest and sexual drive on the male's part on average, if you're the same age as your partner, about three times more in the male than the female. Obviously, that's not always true, but it tends to be on average what studies for 50 years have found.

I think, just to understand that that's not because they don't find you attractive, that's not because they're not sexually interesting, that's not because they don't love you that they may not be as sexually interested all the time as you are. Some of this is hormonal stuff that's just the way biologically we are built. It's not anybody's fault, or it's not anybody's – it's not a behavior to – don't blame somebody's behavior on them, until you understand what might be the underlying biological principle of how they're dealing with the situation.

[0:47:54.2] MB: For listeners who want to find you and your work online, what's the best place for them to do that?

[0:48:00.0] LB: Well, they can – if they want to check out on Amazon, The Female Brain, there's both the book and the movie. The movie is out on streaming now. The books are easily available in Amazon, The Female Brain. For guys in your age group, guys that are in their late teens up to about age 40, reading chapter 2 of The Female Brain, which does talk about all the hormones and all of that might be a good place for them to start. Just read that. I guess, it's about a 16-page chapter. It's very easy to read.

For females that are in this age group, they might want to read that chapter too, the teen boy brain. This talks about the hormones in the male brain, in the male brain which you can also find The Male Brain book on Amazon. That's what I would suggest. When the new book comes out, I'm just working on a new book that's going to be about all of it – basically, healthy aging and the brain. Healthy hormones and aging of the brain. We may talk about that in the future, but that one is due to come out January of 2020.

[0:49:04.5] MB: Well, Dr. Brizendine, thank you so much for coming on the show and sharing all your research and knowledge. I think we definitely want to have you come back on and dig into the science of healthy brain aging as well, down the road.

[0:49:17.2] LB: Excellent. Thanks for having me, Matt. I really appreciated the opportunity to talk with your audience.

[0:49:23.7] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners, master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.

May 02, 2019 /Lace Gilger
Decision Making, Influence & Communication
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Never Satisfied? Always Feel Like You’re Chasing The Next Thing? Here’s Why with Dr. Daniel Z. Lieberman

April 25, 2019 by Lace Gilger in Focus & Productivity

Have you ever desperately wanted something, and then as soon as you get it, or as soon as you achieve it, you seemingly toss it aside and move on to the next new thing? In this episode we explore the powerful brain science behind why this happens. We look at dopamine, how it shapes your behavior, why it causes you to desire certain things and motivates you to achieve new things, but also why it can be dangerous if it becomes too imbalanced. We share strategies for enhancing and harmonizing with your brains “dopamine circuitry” and much more in this interview with Dr. Daniel Z. Lieberman. 

Dr. Daniel Z. Lieberman is a professor at George Washington University. He has published over 50 scientific reports on behavioral science and provided insight on psychiatric issues for the U.S. Government. He is also co-author of the best-selling book Molecule of More, which discusses the effect dopamine has on the human desire and the human brain.

  • The simple concept of “up versus down” and how it cascades through the way we all live and interact in the world 

  • The “paripersonal” space - everything within arms reach - things that you own, posses, and control. 

  • When you look “down” into the paripersonal space - you experience these things in “the here and now"

  • When you look “up” you look into the “extra personal space” - beyond yourself - things beyond the here and now that require effort, planning, and motivation to get, acquire, or achieve

  • The brain developed different pathways for “up” and “down” - different neural pathways for the here and now and the future

  • Living in the moment vs trying to make the future better

  • The up system is about acquiring more resources in the future 

  • The down system includes endorphins, oxytocin, serotonin and host of other molecules 

  • The up system is orchestrated almost exclusively by Dopamine

  • What does Dopamine feel like? What is the experience of getting a dopamine hit?

  • The idea of dopamine as the “reward molecule” is WRONG

  • Dopamine is not the molecule of reward, but rather the molecule of DESIRE and MOTIVATION 

  • Dopamine creates the feeling of needing something or wanting something in the future 

  • Dopamine is not just a feel good molecule, it can make us feel dissatisfied, it make us feel inadequate 

  • The 2 main dopamine pathways in the brain

    • The Desire Circuit - immediate gratification - goes off when you see a donut, or do a drug

    • The Control Circuit - responsible for looking farther into the future - long term planning and working with abstract concepts (like math, science, language, etc) 

  • People who are dopaminergic might have addictive personalities - excessively eating, gaming, watching porn, etc. 

  • Pointed in the right direction Dopamine can be productive, but it can also be dangerous

  • Those most able to afford the beach house are the least likely to enjoy it - because of dopamine 

  • A brain on dopamine is like a high performance sports car - it can produce spectacular results, but it breaks down easily 

  • Dopamine is a double edged sword - powerful achievement on the good side, and self destruction or deep lack of fulfillment on the other side 

  • What is a dopaminergic brain? A brain with a highly active dopamine system. 

  • Dopamine circuits tend to oppose the here and now circuit - you can’t be in both circuits at once

  • How does dopamine impact our love circuitry and our experience of love?

    • Passionate love - dopamine driven 

    • Companionship love - here and now driven 

  • All dopamine derived pleasures DON'T LAST - as soon as we what desire in the future becomes what we have in the present, dopamine shuts down - and achieving it becomes a let down

  • The idea that we can be deeply passionately in love for an extended period of time is simply wrong - it’s opposed to neurobiology

  • If you’re spending most of your time in the dopamine circuitry - you’re ALWAYS focused on WHATS NEXT

  • Understanding the brain is the most important thing we can do 

  • How do you shift into the “here and now” neurocircuitry?

    • Step one is awareness - what mode are you in right now?

    • Step two - ask yourself - what mode is appropriate for this moment or experience?

  • Pay more attention to:

    • Sensory experience

      • Focus on your feet, focus on contact wit the ground

    • Emotional experience

      • Attach words to the emotions your experiencing can help bridge the gap

  • Highly dopaminergic people like ideas, concepts, and tools - not emotions

  • Emotional intelligence is the perfect counterbalance to being highly dopaminergic

  • A more advanced strategy to spend more time in the here and now would be mindfulness meditation

  • Meditation is all about clearing your thoughts of future clutter and focusing like a laser on the here and now. Meditation strengthens the circuitry in the brain responsible for processing the here and now. When those circuits are strong it becomes easier to shift into them.

  • Daily mindfulness - focus on doing what it is you’re doing, rather than thinking about something else 

  • “When you’re carrying water, carry water."

  • Embrace your strengths, and live in a place of purpose 

  • "The Hedonic Paradox"

  • The desire circuit personified - the hedonist

    • Focused on pleasure

  • The control circuit personified - the workaholic

    • Focus on duty, very glum and grim, never finished with the work 

  • We function best when we can harmonize our brain circuitry - this makes us most effective and happiest 

  • How does dopamine shape our creativity and our creative thinking?

  • Homework: If you are dopaminergic - spend more time focused on the fine arts - fine arts are a great way to see the synthesis between dopamine circuitry and the here and now circuitry .

  • Bonus Homework: Take up a hobby that involves the creation of something. Painting, cooking, playing an instrument, woodworking. These hobbies have fallen out of favor in our modern world. If you want to get the most out of your brain - you have to appreciate its structure, which has been built up for millions of years of evolution. Find ways to do things with your hands. Tinkering, making things. When you’re engaged in a sport or physical activity you’re also harmonizing the here and now (moving your body) + using dopamine to develop strategies to score points and defeat your opponents.

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Want To Dig In More?! - Here’s The Show Notes, Links, & Research

General

  • Dr. Lieberman’s Website

  • Dr. Lieberman’s LinkedIn

  • Molecule of More Twitter

Media

  • [Article] Tonic - “There's a Chemical In Your Brain That Makes You Want More” by Shayla Love

  • [Book Review] The Molecule of More Reviewed by: Richard Cytowic

  • [Article] Georgetown Univ - “Entrepreneurs' Brains Are Wired Differently. Here's How to Use Yours Right.”  by Michael E. Long and Daniel Z. Lieberman

  • [Article] American Greatness - “Please, Sir, I Want the Molecule of More” By Ashley Hamilton

  • [Article] GW Medical Faculty Assoc. Profile - Daniel Lieberman, MD, FAPA

  • [Podcast] Radio MD - Encore Episode: Your Brain on Dopamine

  • [Podcast] Zestology - Love, Sex, Creativity, and Dopamine - Dr. Daniel Z. Lieberman #181

  • [Podcast] Harvesting Happiness - Afflicted and Addicted: Lusting to feel good and the global public health crisis of substance abuse with Dr. Daniel Z. Lieberman MD, Mike Long, and Travis Lupick

  • [Podcast] The Armen Show - 201: Dr. Daniel Z. Lieberman | Dopamine, Creativity, Love, And Progression In “The Molecule of More”

Videos

  • Book Trailer: The Molecule of More

  • TEDTalk - Dopamine: Driving Your Brain into the Future | Daniel Z. Lieberman | TEDxWilmingtonWomen

  • Good Morning Washington - Overcoming Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.) with Dr. Daniel Lieberman

  • CNN - The dangers of self-radicalization

  • GW MFA's Dr. Daniel Z. Lieberman on PTSD

  • Body Hub - 6 Effects Dopamine Has On The Body

  • Dr. Jockers - Boost Up Dopamine For Motivation and Focus

Books

  • [Book Website] Molecule of More

  • The Molecule of More: How a Single Chemical in Your Brain Drives Love, Sex, and Creativity—and Will Determine the Fate of the Human Race  by Daniel Z. Lieberman and Michael E. Long

  • Tales from the Palace of the Fairy King  by Daniel Z. Lieberman

Misc

  • [SoS Episode] The Skeptics Guide To Meditation With Dan Harris

  • [SoS Episode] Unleash The Power of Meditation

  • [SoS Episode Guide] Emotional Intelligence

  • [SoS Episode] The Ancient Molecule You Can Use To Unlock Peak Performance with Dr. Paul Zak

  • [SoS Episode] Stop Chasing Happiness and Do This Instead with Emily Esfahani Smith

Episode Transcript

[00:00:04.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[0:00:11.8] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success; the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than three million downloads and listeners in over a hundred countries.

Have you ever desperately wanted something? Then as soon as you get it, or as soon as you achieve it, you seemingly toss it aside and move on to the next new thing? In this episode, we explore the powerful brain science behind why this happens. We look at dopamine, how it shapes your behavior, why it causes you to desire certain things and motivates you to achieve new things, but also why it can be dangerous if it becomes too imbalanced. We share strategies for enhancing and harmonizing with your brain’s dopamine circuity and much more in this interview with Dr. Daniel Z. Lieberman.

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Sign up for my e-mail list today by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the home page, or if you're on the go, if you're on your phone right now, it's even easier. Just text the word “smarter”, that's S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44-222. I can't wait to show you all the exciting things you'll get when you sign up and join the e-mail list.

In our previous episode, we discussed trauma and how it is stored in your body, what causes trauma and what does it do to the body? We explored whether the rational thinking mind can deal with trauma and looked at some of the ways you can deal with traumatic experiences in your life. What are the best strategies for feeling safe, feeling calm and feeling in control of your own body? How do you release trauma from your body and feel safe? We discussed al this and much more in our previous episode with Dr. Bessel van der Kolk. If you want to understand how to deal with trauma and feel comfortable in your body, listen to that episode.

Now for our interview with Daniel.

[0:03:15.5] MB: Today, we have another exciting guest on the show, Dr. Daniel Z. Lieberman. Dan is a professor at George Washington University. He's published over 50 scientific reports on behavioral science and provided insights on psychiatric issues to the US government. He's also the co-author of the best-selling book, Molecule of More, which discusses the effect of dopamine on human desire and human brain. Dan, welcome to the Science of Success.

[0:03:41.2] DL: Great to be here, Matt.

[0:03:43.0] MB: We're very excited to have you on the show today. Dopamine is such a fascinating topic and I'm pumped to dig into it.

[0:03:49.8] DL: Fantastic.

[0:03:52.2] MB: To start out, you open up the book and I know some of you – I think your TED talk as well, this idea around the simple concept of up versus down and how that can shine a light on the way that dopamine works in the brain. I'd love to hear you explain that for the audience.

[0:04:08.4] DL: It sounds like such a simple concept, up versus down. In fact, it has tons of ramifications for how we view the world and how we interact with the world. It comes about from evolution. From an evolutionary standpoint, there is a very fundamental difference between things that you have and things that you don't have, but you need.

Now things that you have are really in the realm of down, because when you look down, you're looking into what scientists call the peri-personal space; just space around you, basically everything within arm's reach. These are things that you own. They are things that you possess and control. When you look down into the peri-personal space, what you do with those things is you use them, you enjoy them, you appreciate them.

Essentially, you experience them in what in the book we call the here and now. When you look up by contrast, you're looking out into what's called the extra personal space. That's the world beyond your arm's reach. If there's something in the extra personal space that you need, that you want, that you desire, it's not going to happen in the here and now. It's going to happen in the future and it's going to require some efforts and motivation, maybe even some planning.

Because this difference between what you have and what you don't is so fundamental for our survival, in fact the old saying if you have, whether you don't to our evolutionary ancestors, was possibly if you have it or you're dead. Because of this crucial difference, the brain developed different pathways for up and down, different pathways for appreciating and joining the things what we have in the present moment, as opposed to going after those things that we need. That difference and the brain chemicals and structures involved with it is really what the whole book is about.

[0:06:07.2] MB: Such a fascinating distinction. The ramifications of this seemingly simple idea are really widespread.

[0:06:17.0] DL: They are. They are. It's the fundamental difference between living in the moment, enjoying what we have, using our senses, interacting with other people, as opposed to trying to make the future better. The up circuits are really about maximizing future resources, making sacrifices right now to make things better in the future.

[0:06:39.5] MB: I want to dig into each of these obviously, well I know the answer to one of these questions, but tell me about the different neural pathways of the up circuitry and the down circuitry and what neuro chemicals are involved in each of these.

[0:06:54.6] DL: The down circuitry is orchestrated by chemicals that have to do with sensory experiences, moods and interpersonal relationships. You've probably heard of some of these. For example, serotonin, norepinephrine, oxytocin, which orients us to social relationships, as well as endorphins and endocannabinoids, which are the enjoyment, pleasure and satisfaction molecules. Those are all for processing what happens in the here and now.

When we turn our attention to the future though, our thoughts, our brain patterns are orchestrated by one single molecule and that's dopamine. That's what we call the molecule of more.

[0:07:42.4] MB: That's really fascinating. You have a chemical cocktail that regulates the down system and yet, dopamine – and correct me if I phrase this wrong, but either singularly or essentially singularly controls the up system.

[0:07:57.1] DL: That's right. The brain is so complicated and everything we say about the brain is inevitably going to be an oversimplification. You know what? I choose determine, orchestrates the activity of the brain when we're in the up situation. It guides things along, it takes control, but it requires help from other neurotransmitters. It's the most important for sure and it's the one that really chooses the goals and sends us in that direction.

[0:08:27.6] MB: What are the implications of having dopamine be the primary molecule that regulates our up system and impacts the way we think about the future?

[0:08:39.9] DL: Well, I think to answer that question, it helps to think about how dopamine feels subjectively. People who are familiar with it tend to think of it in a little bit of a simplified way and that is as the reward molecule, or the pleasure molecule. Dopamine becomes active when we do things, or experience things that make our future a little bit better, perhaps a little bit more secure. This can involve eating food when we're hungry, engaging in sex, winning competitions, discovering new opportunities. That's really just the tip of the iceberg. It's not so much a molecule of reward as a molecule of desire and motivation.

The same structure that gives us that feeling of euphoria when something good happens is also responsible for the feeling of craving. When we feel that something good is out there and it could be drugs, it could be a doughnut, it could be some extra sleep, it could be spending some time with somebody that we want to have a relationship with, it could be working on a project. It creates that feeling of being unfulfilled. That gives us the motivation to pursue it, even though it's going to involve hard work and possibly some sacrifices.

[0:09:57.5] MB: This idea that we commonly hear that dopamine is the reward molecule is wrong?

[0:10:03.7] DL: I don't know if I would call it wrong exactly, but it's certainly an oversimplification. I think, it's much more accurate to talk about dopamine, really being about maximizing future resources. Sometimes that feels good, such as when we get rewarded for doing something helpful, getting a raise, getting a promotion.

It can also feel good when we're desiring something. If we want to buy a new car and we're doing all kinds of research on the internet, if we're going on vacation and we're looking at attractions to visit, or hotels to stay at, that all feels good. Dopamine is not just a feel-good molecule. Sometimes it doesn't feel good at all. It can make us feel dissatisfied. It can make us feel inadequate. It can make us feel that life is simply not good enough, and we've got to kick ourselves in the butt, so to speak, and try to do things that will make our life better.

[0:11:00.1] MB: I wanted to get into all that much more deeply. Before we dive into the good and the bad implications of dopamine, I'm curious how dopamine – and perhaps this question will start to bring us to that answer, but I'm curious how dopamine interacts with having an addictive personality. What's the relationship between dopamine and addiction?

[0:11:25.2] DL: In the book, we focus on two main dopamine pathways in the brain; one we call the desire circuit. That one is after immediate gratification. That's going to go off when you see a doughnut, or when a drug addict thinks about cocaine or heroin or some other drug of abuse. The other only called the control circuit, and that one is responsible for looking farther into the future than the desire circuit. That one is responsible for long-term planning. It's also responsible for working with abstract concepts.

Abstract concepts are related to this idea of up, because they represent abstract ideas, possibilities, things that don't yet have a concrete reality. It includes things like math, scientific concepts, language and that thing. Some people can be very dopaminergic and they can have strong control and desire pathways. Other people will have a preference for one or the other.

People who have addictive personalities often have very, very strong desire pathways. They may orient their life around seeking pleasure. This can involve drugs of course. It can also involve behavioral addictions too, like excessive gaming, excessive use of pornography, really anything that gives that instant gratification.

There are advantages to having a strong dopamine desire system if it is pointed in the right direction. It can give us energy and motivation that helps us accomplish things. At the same time, it can make us vulnerable to developing these kinds of addictions.

[0:13:09.2] MB: I want to explore this notion, or figure out how we can harness dopamine to be more productive and spend more time in the control circuit. I think a fascinating way to explore this would be looking at the story of Buzz Aldrin.

[0:13:25.0] DL: Yes. Second man to walk on the moon. His life appears as if he has a very, very strong dopamine system, both the desire circuit and the control circuit. Obviously, it takes an enormous amount of dopamine to get yourself on the moon. It takes dedication, planning, the ability to sacrifice present comfort for future gain. In the case of Buzz Aldrin, it seems it may have gone a little bit too far.

We tell the story about when he returns back to earth and people are saying, “What did it feel like to walk on the moon?” He said, “We didn't have feelings. We weren't focused on what we felt. We were just focusing on getting the mission done.” They asked him about, “What does it feel like to have accomplished this incredibly historic mission? He said, “It was just something that we did. Now we have to do something else.”

It really reflects his ability to enjoy the things that he worked so hard for. His dopamine system apparently was so strong that it couldn't allow him to bask in the applause. It always had to be about what's next. Problem is that if you've walked on the moon, what's next becomes an extremely difficult problem. That may partially have contributed to what happened to him after he returned to earth. He started drinking a great deal of alcohol, he became an alcoholic, he got depressed, he was admitted to a psychiatric inpatient unit, he got married and divorced three times. Really, once he no longer had that jolly admission of getting himself to the moon, his life fell apart.

[0:15:12.1] MB: I feel that's a pattern that we see oftentimes with high achievers; people who accomplish this massive goal and then feel a sense of emptiness after the fact.

[0:15:25.2] DL: I think that's true. The irony is that the guy who's most able to afford the beach house is going to be the least able to enjoy it. The people who are entrepreneurial, creative have enormous talents and make great contributions to humankind are the exact same people who are unable to enjoy the rewards that they've worked so hard to accomplish.

We may look at these people and we may experience a sense of envy. We look at all the money that they have, the cars that they drive, the beautiful people that they date, but I don't think we need to be all that envious of them. They may serve the human race in very important ways, but oftentimes, they are very, very unhappy people.

It sometimes comes as a shock when we read about some of these most successful people, these most successful celebrities committing suicide and we say, “Why is it that this person who has everything is going to want to end their life?” One possible answer is that they are very, very unhappy and having this highly-tuned, high-performing brain comes at a cost. In the book, we compare it to a high-performance sports car. It's capable of doing amazing things, but at the same time it's also very liable to breakdown.

[0:16:49.9] MB: In some sense, dopamine is a double-edged sword. It leads to powerful achievement when it's harnessed positively, but can cause self-destruction, or a deep lack of fulfillment and satisfaction.

[0:17:02.1] DL: I think that's very true. I think that in our modern society, we tend to ignore the second one. There's so much emphasis placed on achievement and productivity and also creativity. That's not to say that these are not wonderful, wonderful things, but there's a lot less emphasis spent on human relationships, being able to enjoy the good things that we've worked for and the simple issue of happiness. I think that that really creates this bias for us to pursue a better future while neglecting pretty much everything that we have in the present moment.

[0:17:43.7] MB: I have two questions that come out of that. The first is the simple idea, how can we – and I personally relate to this. I think I'm somebody who has a very – correct me if I say this incorrectly, but dopaminergic brain, which I'd love to actually get a quick definition of that for the listeners. As somebody who has a deep dopamine – a lot of dopamine to my brain, for lack of a better way to phrase it, how do I and how do listeners who feel the same way appreciate life and get that satisfaction and spend more time in what we called earlier the down circuitry?

[0:18:19.7] DL: Well, let me start out by defining the dopaminergic brain. It's really quite simple. It simply means a brain that has a highly active dopamine system. There are a number of different genes that can lead to this. There are genes for dopamine receptors; those are proteins in the brain that respond to the chemical. There are genes that process dopamine. They can be more active or less active. There's a host of other genes as well.

If you have one of these genes, or perhaps a combination of them, it's going to make your dopamine system more active. It's going to give you all kinds of wonderful abilities; creativity, drive, motivation. At the same time, the dopamine circuits tend to oppose the here-and-now circuits and vice versa.

Generally, you are in an upstate focusing on accomplishments in the future, or you're in a down state enjoying the present. It's rather hard to be in both. People who have these dopaminergic genes are going to have more difficulty with the downstate.

You asked what can you do about it. Well, maybe rather than talking about this in a general abstract sense, we might take a concrete example from the book. The first chapter is about love. One of the points we make in this chapter is that there are really two kinds of love. There's passionate love and companionate love. Passionate love is a dopaminergic love and it's what we talk about when we say being in love. This is one of the most intense experiences in life. When one is in love, we are absolutely obsessed with our partner and we want more time with them, we just want more of them in every way and we're very much focused on the future.

When you're in love, it feels the future is going to be living in a fantasy land; everything is going to be perfect. Everything is going to be wonderful. That's a terrific experience. The problem with it is that it doesn't last. I hope we'll be able to go into this more, but that's the problem with all dopaminergic pleasures is that they don't last, because dopamine is only about the future. As soon as what we desire in the future becomes what we have in the present, dopamine shuts down. For people who are very dopaminergically focused, that can be a terrible, often unpleasant letdown.

Passionate love typically lasts about nine to 12 months and then it goes away. When that happens, relationships often come to an end. People mistakenly say, “Well, since I'm not feeling this passionate love anymore, it must mean the relationship is done. It must mean this is not the right person for me,” but that's simply not true. What's happening is a simple neurobiology.

At that point, in order for love to last, it's got to switch over to companionate love. That's a here-and-now phenomenon. Companionate love is more associated with not the excitement of passionate love, but a calm, serene feeling of satisfaction and fulfillment. Ideally, that's the way couples are going to feel when they've been together for many years. It's an intense feeling of satisfaction of having another person's life deeply entwined with your own. That's a more difficult love to achieve, but I think it's also a more mature love and ultimately, a more fulfilling kind.

When you're in a relationship with someone and you're experiencing this passionate attachment to them, I think it helps to repair yourself for when the companionate phase is going to start. You try to appreciate not what being in love will mean for your future, but simply what it feels like to be with that other person. You try and pay attention to the characteristics of the other person that give you happiness and try to experience the fulfillment that you can get by being with a person who has become very important to you.

[0:22:50.4] MB: Such a fascinating exploration of the idea of love. I think so many people have that belief that if they don't have that passion and that explosiveness through an extended period of their relationship that something is wrong. I think you made a critical point, which is that it's simply how neurobiology works and how relationships develop over time.

[0:23:11.2] DL: It's such a common thing that psychotherapists see. Patients come in and they've gone from relationship to relationship to relationship and they don't understand why it always comes to an end. They don't understand why love fades. They're simply not realizing that it's not love that's fading, it's dopaminergic love that's fading. They're misinterpreting the change in the feelings.

[0:23:37.8] MB: That underscores a broader point, which is that any pleasures that derive from dopamine-driven achievement doesn't last. I know, I've personally had the experience of desperately wanting to achieve something. Then almost moments after I achieve it, I don't even bother celebrating. I don't even really care. I tossed it aside and then immediately want the next thing.

[0:24:02.9] DL: Yeah. If you get a raise at work, you're happy for one month, maybe two. Then it becomes the baseline. It becomes the same-old, same-old and we've got to pursue something else. A classic example is when you go on vacation. You spend weeks and weeks planning all of the different things you're going to see. Maybe you go to Italy and you go to some famous museum and you're standing in front of some of the most beautiful art that's ever been created and you're thinking about where you're going to go for dinner.

If you're too dopaminergic, it's always what's next. Some people don't even realize that they're not enjoying these things that they worked so hard for. When new opportunities become available to me, I notice my reaction. I notice my immediate impulse to jump for it, to say, “I want that shiny thing. I want something more. My life is not going to be fulfilled, unless I have it.”

When I got that feeling, I try to stop and think and imagine, “Okay, what will it be like if I actually get it? Am I going to enjoy the present experience of working on this project, of carrying this role, or this tidal, or is it just something shiny that looks good as long as it's off in the future?”

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[0:27:19.9] MB: For somebody who is very dopaminergic, how do we actively shift into that here and now circuitry and spend more time there?

[0:27:29.8] DL: I think the first step is to recognize where you are at any given moment. I think that that's one reason it's helpful to understand the neurobiology. People who are interested in cars, they know that if you understand what the engine is doing, you can drive the car better. The same is true of computers. If you have some idea of what's going on inside that case, you're going to be able to make better use of the tool.

Now there is no tool that is more important than your brain. I may be biased speaking from a psychiatrist point of view, but I think understanding the brain is the most important thing we can do. If you get a sense of what these circuits are doing, the control circuit of dopamine, the desire circuit of dopamine, as well as the here-and-now circuits, you can begin to recognize what mode you're in and then ask yourself, is this the ideal mode for me to be in in any given situation?

If you are at a party, or if you're socializing with someone, and instead of listening to what they're saying, you're thinking about what you're going to say next, or you're thinking about what you're going to do after the party. You can recognize you're in the wrong mode. You're not supposed to be in future mode when you're socializing, you're supposed to be in present mode, enjoying what's going on.

The first step is to recognize what mode you're in and then decide if that's the mode you want to be in. If you find yourself in a future mode when you should be in a present mode and you want to drop down into the present moment, it's good to focus on the things that are being orchestrated by the here-and-now chemicals. I think the most important of those are going to be sensory impressions and emotional experiences.

Pay attention to your senses. If you're talking to someone, really focus on the words that you're hearing. Look around you, what are you seeing? What are you smelling? What are you feeling? With regard to this metaphor of down, sometimes just focusing on your feet in contact with the floor or the ground is one of the most effective ways to pull yourself out of the clouds of dopamine thinking and down into the real world of here and now.

[0:29:57.6] MB: You said sensory experience. Tell me a little bit more about the emotional experience side and how we can get more in tune with the here and now emotionally.

[0:30:07.9] DL: Emotional experiences I think can be hard, especially for highly dopaminergic people. Highly dopaminergic people like ideas and concepts and tools. Emotions are a little bit touchy-feely, and sometimes they don't only neglect them, they actually actively avoid them, because they feel aversive.

I think that if you are the person who looks with disdain on touchy-feely things, or doesn't enjoy the way it feels, you've got to start out slowly, because it can be a little bit intimidating and a little bit overwhelming. I think just once in a while, you should try to attach words to the emotions that you're feeling. Because words are dopaminergic, they're concepts and ideas and that can help bridge the gap. You might start with some very simple things, “Am I happy or sad?” From there, you can move on and progressively become more sophisticated with your emotions.

Of course, while you do this you're going to be building what's called emotional intelligence. That's something that dopaminergic people often lack. Emotional intelligence may be as important for personal success and fulfillment as cognitive intelligence is. It's emotional intelligence that allows us to build strong relationships with other people. These are relationships are not only going to give us happiness and fulfillment in our life, there are also relationships that are going to help us get ahead in life, make connections and have ultimate success.

[0:31:51.2] MB: Such an important skill set. For listeners who want to dig much deeper into emotional intelligence, we have a whole category of episodes that explore that topic that we’ll make sure to throw into the show notes. Dan, we've got awareness, we've got paying more attention to sensory and emotional experiences, developing emotional intelligence. Are there any other tools or strategies that you recommend for people who are constantly in that dopamine circuitry to shift or to spend more time in the here and now?

[0:32:23.2] DL: If we want to talk about an advanced technique, something that may be more aspirational than possible for dopaminergic people, we would talk about mindfulness meditation. Meditation is all about clearing your thoughts of dopaminergic trash, thinking about what's next, what's in the future, and focusing like a laser on the here and now. In a way, it's almost like going to the gym and working out. It strengthens the circuits in the brain that are responsible for processing the here-and-now. When those circuits are strong, it becomes much easier to drop into them.

Meditation is extremely difficult. I struggle with them myself. I have a goal of meditating 10 minutes a day, which sounds like nothing. Boy, is it hard to do. It's hard to keep up that habit and it's not always the most pleasant thing to do, even though I know that it's very, very good for me.

If you do that, you can carry that over outside of your 10-minute meditation sessions into your daily life. What that looks like is what's called mindfulness. That is you try to focus on doing what it is you're doing, rather than thinking about something else. There is a famous Zen saying, “When you're carrying water, carry water.” It sounds very, very simple, but the fact of the matter is it's unusual for us to be paying full attention to the things that we're doing. If we can achieve that, it can lead to a great deal of spiritual growth and happiness in our lives.

[0:34:08.2] MB: I love that quote. It actually put a smile on my face. For some reason, remind me of another I believe Zen saying, which is just, “When hungry, eat. When tired, sleep.” It's so simple and yet, there's so much power in the simplicity and it's so easy for us to overlook it and get caught up in things and not do that.

[0:34:30.5] DL: Surprisingly when you try to do these very simple things, you find out that they're very difficult. I just want to go back to the exercising metaphor. That is that no matter how difficult it is in the beginning, if you stick with it, you get stronger in that area and it does progressively become easier.

[0:34:49.3] MB: What are some of the other either strategies or more broadly things that dopaminergic people can do so that they can flourish?

[0:34:59.9] DL: Well, I think that it's important to not pay attention only to your weaknesses. If we are good at five things and bad at one thing, our tendency is to focus on that one thing we're bad at. The idea is if we can bring that one up, then we'll be good at everything. Psychological research suggests that that might not be the best way to go. We may actually make more progress by focusing on our strengths.

Being all dopamine all the time is certainly not a recipe for happiness. At the same time, people who are very dopaminergic should appreciate their dopaminergic strengths. They are going to probably make very substantial contributions to people around them. They may be creative, they may be diligent, they may be conscientious, they may not be happy, but living a happy life is not the only good life there is. There's also a life of purpose that is focused on doing things that are important.

I would say that to some degree, dopaminergic people should embrace their strengths and they should think about what's important to them and what do they want to accomplish in their life and what can their energy, their intelligence, their focus and their enthusiasm bring to that task?

[0:36:20.7] MB: That's a great point. We have another interview that I'll throw into the show notes with Emily Esfahani Smith, where we talk about this idea of the difference between purpose and happiness and how oftentimes, chasing happiness can make us less happy. When we pursue meaning and purpose and things that create meaning and purpose in our lives, it creates a much more long-term, sustainable feeling that's more substantive than the emptier idea of just happiness.

[0:36:49.4] DL: It's such an important idea and it's so counterintuitive. If we want to feel good, we say, “All right, let me pursue pleasure. Let me go out and have a drink, or a good meal, or buy something at the store.” It doesn't make us happy, because the dopamine science tells us that as soon as we get that thing, it's not going to make us happy anymore. We're going to need to move on to the next. I don't know if your guests used the term, but did she talk about the hedonistic paradox?

[0:37:16.6] MB: Is that the same thing as the hedonistic treadmill?

[0:37:19.3] DL: Maybe. The paradox says that just what you said, if you pursue things that you think will make you happy, they will not. If you try to make other people happy though, you will become happy.

[0:37:31.2] MB: That's great. I haven't heard that phrase that way, but that's a really simple description of something that is very powerful.

[0:37:38.1] DL: Yeah. If you want to be happy, best thing to do is make somebody else happy.

[0:37:42.8] MB: I want to circle back to the difference between the desire circuitry and the control circuitry within the dopamine system, for lack of a better term. Is there any merit to when – we talked at length about this idea of switching into and spending more time to here and now, is there any merit or any strategies or tools to spend more time on the control side of that dopamine circuit, as opposed to the desire side?

[0:38:10.6] DL: I think so. In order to clarify the difference, let me paint a picture of two people; one who's strong in one and one who's strong in the other. If we look at somebody who has a very strong, perhaps pathologically overwhelming desire circuit, this is going to be the hedonist. We talk about that person who pursues wine, women and song. They want to go out to clubs. They love eating good food. They want to have sex with lots of different partners. They're never satisfied. They always need more. They're probably even at high risk of developing an addiction. That's the hedonist with a strong desire circuit.

By contrast, somebody who has a perhaps pathologically overwhelming control circuit is going to be the workaholic. They’re someone who's not so interested in pleasure, but they're always focused on duty. They're very, very conscientious, but they tend to be a little bit glum, grim, they're never finished with their work, while everyone else has gone home to spend time with family and friends, they're still at the office putting the final touches on the report.

That gives you the distinction between the two in high contrast terms. If we look at somebody who integrates both of them, that's probably going to be someone who is creative. They get very excited about an idea. It could be something in the arts, but it could just as well be something in technology, or even developing a new sales strategy. Whatever it is, they're able to come up with new ideas, develop an enormous amount of enthusiasm about these ideas and then have the discipline of their control circuit to make that abstract idea a concrete reality.

I don't think we want to say that one is better than the other. It's the same thing with dopamine versus here and now. We function best when we can harmonize these circuits and allow the strengths of one to support the strengths of the other.

[0:40:20.9] MB: Great point. Really, really good point. I love this idea of harmonizing and balancing, not only within the dopamine circuit between the ideas of control and desire, but even balancing the dopamine circuitry versus the here-and-now circuitry. Or balancing and harmonizing it one another.

[0:40:39.9] DL: That's going to make us most effective and happiest. It's important to remember that nobody's going to be good at everything. Most people are going to have a preference for one to the other, and we need to be careful not to beat ourselves up, because we are not perfectly balanced. Highly dopaminergic people do tend to beat themselves up, because they're constantly criticizing themselves saying they're not good enough, they've got to improve in all kinds of different ways.

There's nothing wrong with being aspirational. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be a better, more competent, kinder person. We've got to go at it in a realistic way and understand that we'll probably make the most progress if we're able to be gentle with ourselves.

[0:41:25.9] MB: Tell me a little bit more about how dopamine impacts or shapes our creativity.

[0:41:33.9] DL: Dopamine being the molecule of the future, is about things that don't yet exist. It's about things that are possible. That's what creativity is about. One definition of creativity is being able to make connections between things that had previously appeared to be unconnected. When our desire dopamine circuit is very active, we tend to be very good at paying attention to novel and unusual things in our environment. It's seeing these unusual things and coming up with a connection between the two of them that leads to creativity. That does seem to be a function of the desire circuit.

[0:42:25.6] MB: For listeners who want to – who resonate with what we've been talking about, who want to concretely take some steps to harmonize their brains, to spend maybe more time in the here-and-now circuitry, what would be one action item, or piece of homework that you would give them to start specifically implementing some of these themes and ideas?

[0:42:49.3] DL: I would say a good place to begin is maybe to increase their exposure to the fine arts. The fine arts are probably the best example there is of the harmonization of the dopamine and the here-and-now. The dopamine is responsible for the inspiration that gives the artist the idea to create something new. Then the here-and-now is translating that inspiration into something concrete that stimulates the senses whether it's the ears with a piece of music, or the eyes with a painting, but stimulates the senses which are linked to the here-and-now circuits in important ways.

Now a little bit more ambitious would be to take up a hobby that involves the creation of something. That could be painting, it could be playing an instrument, it could be woodworking, maybe it's cooking. These are things that have really fallen out in our modern world. Very few people engage in woodworking. I remember my father used to have a woodworking bench in the basement, and all my friends’ fathers did too; they would fix things, they would do things with their hands. Now we don't fix things anymore. We just throw them away. We don't build things. We buy things that are already made.

There are advantages to that, it certainly saves us a lot of time, but that's not the way our brains evolved. If we want to get the most out of our brains, we've got to appreciate their inherent structure, a structure that has been built up through millions of years of evolution. I would suggest that people take a second look at finding ways to do things with their hands.

We see a little bit, I don't know if you're familiar with the maker culture, where people like to tinker with electronics, they like to make cool things. I think that that's a great development that speaks exactly to this need for harmonizing the different circuits in the brain.

[0:45:00.2] MB: What a great piece of homework. I resonate with that, because drawing is something that I've taken up recently, or probably about a year ago. I really like the way that it synthesizes multiple different parts of my brain.

[0:45:16.8] DL: Sports is another one. I'm not particularly athletic, and so it's not something that's at the front of my mind. When you're playing a sport, you're harmonizing as well. You're using your here-and-now circuits to move your body in very, very specific ways. At the same time, you're using dopamine to develop strategies, to score points and defeat your opponent. Playing games and sports is another good way to accomplish that.

[0:45:42.6] MB: For listeners who want to find out more about you, your book, your work, etc., what is the best place for them to find you online?

[0:45:50.4] DL: They can go to my website danielzlieberman.com. It's got information on some of the other work that I've done, as well as a lot of information on the book.

[0:46:00.0] MB: Well Dan, thank you so much for coming on the show, for sharing all this wisdom. Personally, it really resonated with me as I think I'm certainly someone who spends a lot of time in my dopamine circuitry and I'm excited about some of the solutions and ideas that you've shared.

[0:46:16.0] DL: Thanks so much, Matt. It's been a pleasure.

[0:46:18.5] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you, our listeners master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.

April 25, 2019 /Lace Gilger
Focus & Productivity
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Healing Trauma - How To Start Feeling Safe In Your Own Body with Dr. Bessel van der Kolk

April 18, 2019 by Lace Gilger in Emotional Intelligence, Health & Wellness

In this episode we discuss trauma and how it is stored in the body. What causes trauma and what does it do to your body? We explore whether the rational, thinking mind can deal with trauma and look at some of the ways you can deal with traumatic experiences in your life. What are the best strategies for feeling safe, feeling calm, and feeling in control of your own body? How do you release trauma from your body and feel safe? We discuss all of this and much more with our guest Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk.

Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk is a Boston-based psychiatrist and The New York Times best-selling author of The Body Keeps the Score. He was previously the President of the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies, Professor of Psychiatry at Boston University Medical School, and Medical Director of the Trauma Center. He has taught at universities around the world and his work has been featured in TIME, The New York Times, The Boston Globe, and more!

  • What is Trauma? 

  • How do we define and understand trauma in today’s society?

  • It makes you want to forget, it makes you want to push it away, it makes you want to erase it. 

  • Trauma is something that is so horrendous that you can’t cope with it, it’s too much to deal with 

  • Trauma renders you helpless and makes you feel like there is no way out 

  • Helplessness is an absolute precondition for a traumatic experience 

  • Our society continuously ignores how trauma is formed and created - pushing it under the rug and hiding from it

  • Trauma is not a story - trauma is not a memory about the past. Trauma changes the brain. Trauma sits within you and within your body. 

  • People experiencing trauma keep behaving and reacting as if they were stuck in that experience 

  • When we are traumatized - the brain often cannot process it and the body “stores it” - the body gets stuck in a state of hyper alertness, the mind gets stuck in a state of hyper-alertness 

  • The perceptual situation in the brain becomes rewired to be on “high alert"

  • Your body, your mind, your entire system gets frozen or stuck in “fight or flight” mode 

  • When you’re traumatized, it’s very hard to learn or integrate new experiences - thats what makes treating trauma  so difficult 

  • Trauma is not typically rationally processed, it goes into the irrational part of the brain and your body gets locked into a place of constantly reacting as if you’re in a sense of danger 

  • Your body starts generating stress hormones as inappropriate times and you begin to feel out of control and helpless 

  • One of the most tragic results of trauma is people try to shut the feeling down and end up shutting down their ability to feel - or they turn to drugs, alcohol, and pharmaceuticals 

  • Studies show that yoga is more effective than any drug that has been studied for solving trauma 

  • There is promising research around psychotropics (psylocbin and MDMA) for trauma relief

  • Neurofeedback is another promising solution for trauma 

  • "Playing computer games with your brain waves” to solve trauma 

  • Trying to remove delta or theta waves in the frontal lobe

  • Self regulation - learning to control your own physiology using ancient Chinese and Indian methods - research is starting to show these solutions help as mind body interventions to solve trauma in the body 

  • Our mainstream western culture is “if you feel bad, take a drug” 

  • Practically what does it looks like to use something like yoga to regulate your own physiology?

  • Chanting is also a very good mind body intervention - singing in unison with others 

  • One of the biggest struggles of trauma is that you feel isolated or lonely or by yourself 

  • Exposure treatment misunderstands how to treat real trauma 

  • It’s not the memory its that you brain/body - entire system - is locked in a state of being “high alert” - and that these mind body interventions are some of the best ways to help people feel “Safe” inside their own bodies 

  • How do you feel Feeling safe, calm, and in control over y our own physiology?

  •  What are the best strategies for feeling safe, feeling calm, and feeling in control of your own body?

  • Trauma is a bodily experience of being intolerable physical sensations - people can’t stand the way their bodies feel 

  • Breathing, moving, chanting, yoga, qigong, massage, dancing - these are all ways that you can make your body feel safe. 

  • Once your body feels safe, you can allow yourself to slowly go to experiences from the past that caused the body to be put into a traumatic state 

  • Your body has to feel safe and be present to heal trauma 

  • Sitting still and meditating is often a challenge when you’re experiencing trauma 

  • None of this has to do with understanding or explaining why you’re experiencing trauma - understanding WHY your’e experiencing trauma doesn’t make you resolve it

  • The rational brain has nothing to do with solving trauma in the body - it has to do with your “animal brain” 

  • This is NOT a rational problem - you can’t solve it rationally 

  • What are some of the best solutions?

    • EMDR is another effective technique or strategy for laying small traumas to rest 

    • What is somatic experiencing and how does it work? 

    • Sensory motor psychotherapy 

    • Traumatic sensitive yoga 

    • Sidran Foundation

    • Trauma Research Foundation

  • This work is 30 years old - people are just discovering the best treatments for trauma and its a cutting edge field - lots of the solutions don’t have a lot of evidence yet because its so new - its all a work in progress - it’s not definitive yet 

  • How to help release trauma from your body, how to feel safe in your body 

  • What is EMDR? A strange technique that may be revolutionary for solving trauma according to new research and brain scans. 

  • Does cardio help or hurt when trying to connect with the body? Not necessarily - it’s all about trying to make your mind and body connect more deeply. 

  • Homework: Take care of your body. Develop a loving relationship to taking care of your body. 

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Want To Dig In More?! - Here’s The Show Notes, Links, & Research

General

  • Dr. van der Kolk’s Website

  • Dr. van der Kolk’s Wiki Page

  • Dr. van der Kolk’s Google Scholar Cited Works

Media

  • [Article] Medium - “What MDMA Therapy Did For Me” by Tucker Max

  • [Article] Interview on Psychotherapy.net - “Bessel van der Kolk on Trauma, Development and Healing” by David Bullard

  • [Article] NY Times Magazine (2014) - “A Revolutionary Approach to Treating PTSD” by Jeneen Interlandi

  • [Article] NY Times (2018)  - “How to Rewire Your Traumatized Brain” by Concepción de León

  • [Podcast] - On Being: BESSEL VAN DER KOLK - How Trauma Lodges in the Body

  • [Podcast] - Shrink Rap Radio: #436 – Brain, Mind, and Body in The Healing of Trauma with Bessel van der Kolk MD

  • [Podcast] - The Relationship School: 3 Things Bessel van der Kolk Did To Help Him Through His Recent Trauma – SC 191

Videos

  • Center Scene - “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma”

  • Meg-Roitwell - “Bessel van der Kolk - how to detoxify the body from trauma”

  • 2015 Walden Behavioral Care Conference - The Body Keeps the Score. Bessel van der Kolk

  • KripaluVideo - Bessell van der Kolk: Overcome Trauma With Yoga

  • Big Think (2015) - Psychiatry Must Stop Ignoring Trauma, with Dr. Bessel van der Kolk

    • Learn the Signs and Symptoms of PTSD, with Dr. Bessel van der Kolk

  • Open to Hope - Episode 47: Healing Trauma/Creative Activities

  • Praxis TV - How Neurofeedback Can Change the Way We Approach Trauma Treatment

  • Prime Book Review - The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the ... by Bessel van der Kolk | Book Review

  • Dance based on the book - The Body Keeps the Score: Dancing with Trauma and Recovery

Books

  • [Book Site] The Body Keeps Score

  • [Book Citation] The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. by Bessel van der Kolk

  • [Book] The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk M.D.

  • [Book] Traumatic Stress: The Effects of Overwhelming Experience on Mind, Body, and Society by Bessel A. van der Kolk, Alexander C. McFarlane, and Lars Weisaeth

  • [Book] Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: Psychological and Biological Sequelae (Clinical Insights) by Bessel A. van der Kolk

Misc

  • [Website] Trauma Research Foundation

  • [Website] The Center for Self Leadership

  • [Website] Sidran Institute

  • [Website] EMDR Institute Inc.

  • Trauma Center Publications

Episode Transcript

[0:00:00.8] MB: Today, we have another exciting guest on the show, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk. Dr. van der Kolk is a Boston-based psychiatrist and the New York Times bestselling author of The Body Keeps The Score. He was previously the President of the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies, a professor of psychiatry at Boston University Medical School and Medical Director of the Trauma Center. He has taught at universities around the world. His work has been featured in Time, the New York Times, The Boston Globe and much more.

Dr. van der Kolk, welcome to the Science of Success.

[0:00:34.1] BvdK: Good afternoon, Matt. Thanks for having me.

[0:00:37.8] MB: Yeah, we're very excited to have you on the show today. I'd love to start out with really a fundamental discussion, or understanding for listeners who I mean, the word trauma really gets thrown around a lot and it's a very deep subject. I'd love to just begin with something simple, which is how do you define trauma? What is trauma?

[0:00:59.8] BvdK: Trauma is an experience that overwhelms you, that just wipes you out, just makes you have an experience and reaction of, “Oh, my God.” Really makes you collapse and makes you want to forget, that makes you want to push it away, makes you want to erase it, is an experience that makes it too – it's too hard to go back to. You don't want to remember it. You don't want to feel it, because it's so horrendous.

[0:01:53.0] MB: is this something that only comes from the most extreme experiences of life, or can we experience or be traumatized by the experiences of everyday existence?

[0:02:08.7] BvdK: Time is really something that just is so horrendous that you cannot encompass it. You cannot cope with it. That is too much. Suddenly seeing your best friend getting killed or something it's just like, “Oh, my God. Oh, my God.” It's not just a lousy experience. Not flunking for an exam, or being fired from a job.

[0:02:37.5] MB: It has to be something more visceral, something that's almost the body can't quite process it.

[0:02:45.2] BvdK: Yes. The reaction is really, “Oh, my God.” It renders a person completely helpless and no way out basically. Yeah. It can be as simple as being beaten up by your mom when you're a kid. Even though you're screaming, she keeps going on, or he keeps going on. For kids, something in the family system can be quite horrendous in terms of being beaten up, or being kicked, or being molested in the way. For a child, the experience can be quite overwhelming. Just with adults, you could have fought back or you could have done something about it.

[0:03:35.0] MB: Does helplessness play into our experience of trauma?

[0:03:41.8] BvdK: Helplessness is an absolute precondition for. Defeating needs to be like, there is nothing I can do to change what's going on here.

[0:03:53.5] MB: I want to zoom out slightly and hear from you a little bit about the history of our relationship and understanding of trauma and how to treat it in the medical world.

[0:04:09.9] BvdK: Well, the history waxes and wanes. Basically, just like people have been traumatized, society at large doesn't really want to think about it. Doesn't really want to go there, because it's too painful and people feel horrendous and helpless and responsive. I've seen in my lifetime people tend to push things away after a war is over. Civilian populations and politician once again think, “Oh, let's go to war.”

For example, before the invasion of Iraq, I wrote an editorial to New York Times saying, “Yes, you can indeed go to war with Iraq, but what will happen is that after people come back, there will be more suicides than there were battle casualties, because we know that from every other previous war, about half of the people who we will send off will become drug addicted, or alcoholics because it [inaudible 0:05:07.2] to every war. Many of them will become unemployable. Their family relationships will oftentimes become extremely difficult and falters. We know what will happen. If you want to forget the reality of what happens after something like this, you can go to war.

People continuously just ignore what happens. We know there are about a million abused kids in America and we tend to just think, “Oh, somehow they will get over it. Kids are resilient.” No, the kids are not resilient and we will pay a heavy price for outgoing maltreatment for children.

Basically, the history or has been always let's push it under the rug. Let's make it disappear. Let's not pay attention to it. Then from time to time if something happens and something comes up in the culture right after war, people say, “Oh, my God. Look what happened?” Then before too long, it gets forgotten again. Again, something like, what happened in the Mexican border right now with the refugees and everybody goes, “Oh, my God. Isn't it terrible that's happening to these kids?” At the same time, we ignore the affected 2.3 million American children have kids, have parents in jail, are living under circumstances, not unlike what refugees do at the Mexican border.

[0:06:43.8] MB: One of the most interesting things that I've found in your work is this idea that trauma is not just a story, it's not just an experience, but it actually physically changes the brain. Tell me about that.

[0:06:56.1] BvdK: Yeah, because trauma is not a memory about something, about the past. The past is over, but the trauma sits inside of you and it makes you feel and behave as if it is still going on. Post-traumatic stress is really not post-traumatic. It is you right now feel like it's happening to you again, over and over again. You keep behaving and reacting as if you’re stuck there.

There is something very fundamental about the brain not knowing that it's over. Even though roughly it's over, how your system keeps reacting to all stuff as if it's still happening, because the brain changes.

[0:07:50.3] MB: Tell me a little bit more about how the brain changes and how trauma gets for a lack of a better word, or correct my phrasing if this is wrong, but stored in the body.

[0:08:04.6] BvdK: Well, basically what happens is that the capacity of the brain to process an experience as belonging to the past is [inaudible 0:08:13.2], and so the body automatically had the immune system and the endocrine system and the perceptual systems of the body, of the mind, of the brain continue to react as if they are still in danger, so your body is more likely to develop autoimmune diseases, to react to things in the extreme way, to develop heart disease, to develop a number of illnesses, because the body stays on constant alert for something and the body doesn't know where this place is alert for, but it's gets stuck. It is hyper alertness.

The mind gets stuck in a state of, “Oh, my God. I'm going to get hurt.” Suddenly, people may erupt in a defensive maneuver, or become upset. They know that it's irrational. They know they shouldn’t behave like this, but something makes them feel and behave in a particular way. That's basically because the perceptual system in the brain is rewired to overreact to current stresses.

[0:09:29.2] MB: Is trauma stored in certain parts, or areas of the body, or there's certain traumas that are that are stored in certain places, or how does that –

[0:09:40.4] BvdK: It is how the perceptual system of the body is organized. It's brain circuits and body circuits basically. It's about your whole orientation. Like learning how to speak a language, certainly your body, your mind is organized in a new way. That particular areas of the brain where you can say, yeah, you see it over there, you see it over there, you see it in that area called amygdala, you see it in an area called the periaqueductal gray, you see it is an area called anterior cingulate, you see it in an area called the parietal temporal junction, you see it in the insula, which is a connection within your brain and your body, how you perceive your body.

There’s many brain areas that are changed by trauma and the longer it's – the longer its been going on, the more things changes and your whole system becomes a system that tries to cope as it continuously living over time.

[0:10:49.5] MB: Would it be correct to describe that almost as the body getting stuck or locked into that fight or flight mode?

[0:10:58.1] BvdK: Fight, flight and freeze. Not just the body, the whole system – the perceptions that people have, the body of reactions that people have, the way you interpret things with your mind. Yeah, they get stuck in – get stuck at the times of the trauma. I mean, they have a hard time moving on and getting new stuff in. Among the tragic things about being traumatized, it's very hard to learn new experiences, new integration. Somehow it becomes very hard to take in new experiences. It becomes hard to learn, that's why it's such a gigantic public health issue, and that's why treating and taking care of abuse and trauma, this gets important, because if gets kids get stuck there, it becomes very hard for them to become contributing members of society.

That's also true for veterans, of course. Their identity is, “I'm a warrior,” and gets stuck there. They keep having their military decals on their car and this identity. It's hard to move on and say, “That's a long time ago.”

[0:12:21.0] MB: Tell me a little bit more about some of the science behind – obviously you have a very robust research background, been studying and working on the problem of trauma for a long time. Tell me about some of the science and some of the research behind it.

[0:12:35.9] BvdK: Well, first the technology that we have is mainly in the area of page caps. The technology has changed over the past 30 years. We have been able to visualize a lot of how these changes are organized in the brain, so we get the first. One of the most important findings, was our very first study and very first brain study of trauma, there’s people where we saw that the trauma is really lodged in the right side of the brain, the back of the right side of the brain, which is the non-national reactive part of the brain that would be referred to as the housekeeping of the body, is the part of you that takes care of how your body is organized in many ways.

What we discovered is that basically, the trauma barely goes into your rational part of the brain, but it really goes into where your – into the way you organize your body. Your body keeps reacting as if you're in danger. You have these illogical reactions where you get upset and your heart starts racing, you start submitting stress hormones at inappropriate times. You feel out of control and the people around you think this person is nuts. It's not only the arousal, which is part of what happens after trauma, it’s also the shutting down and you feel completely helpless. You don't keep fighting, and so trauma is not primarily about a fight-flight response. It’s primarily about the shutdown response. Your body starts getting into a defensive mode to try not to feel, try to not experience, try not overreact.

One of the most tragic results of trauma is people try to show themselves down and not to feel anything at all. That of course makes it very hard to feel alive and to be engaged with your environment.

[0:14:51.4] MB: Often, people result to things like drugs and alcohol. Even in the western approach to solving trauma, in many cases people look to things like pharmaceuticals as the first step in that process, is that correct?

[0:15:04.4] BvdK: It fascinates me how doctors keep looking for psychotropic agents, or for drugs to make people better. In fact, our research that shows that drugs don't work very well at all. For example, we did a series of studies, three of them actually, where we showed that yoga is more effective than any drug that has been studied. The one drug that’s probably helpful to make you not feel anything is opioid drugs, that's maybe part of either such a large opioid epidemic, but doctors prescribes are not particularly helpful most of the time.

Drugs are generally are not the answer. In our most current research, actually we're using psychotropic agents as using hallucinogens. We're using psilocybin and MDMA, or ecstasy to help people to really reorganize these perceptual problems. That won't be legal for a number of years, but that’s our latest research that we’re involved in. You can allow yourself to get the courage to process all the information if you take these hallucinogens, these psilocybin, or MDMA ecstasy, seem to be very helpful to help people to serve in a very quiet and self-compassionate way to say, “Yes, this is what happened to me. It happened to me a long time ago.” Awful and painful. Now, I may live in a different stage of my life. One of the most exciting areas of research right now is the work that I and many of my colleagues are doing and these newer agents.

[0:17:11.8] MB: It's funny, I just read an article last week about MDMA therapy and obviously, it's illegal in the United States. As a fascinating read, not something I've done a lot of homework on, but it's curious to see that you've also recently been doing some research around MDMA and its solutions for trauma.

[0:17:30.4] BvdK: Yeah. This is one of the promising frontiers. It's not the only one. The other thing that we're doing is somebody called neurofeedback. Now that we know what the circuits are of the brain, it get disturbed, we actually are able to harvest people's brainwaves project it in a computer and then have people play computer games with their own brain waves in a way to reorganize their brain waves. That's actually for me an even more exciting prospect. Not nearly as sexy as the hallucinogens, but it would be a fantastic thing. If you could do this for school children who are traumatized, because we could help kids to be alert and attentive and to manage their emotions, so they can actually be children and be engaged with the classroom procedures.

[0:18:29.5] MB: That sounds really interesting. Tell me a little bit more about this idea of playing computer games with your brainwaves.

[0:18:36.0] BvdK: Well, it's a fairly old technique by now. You can harvest people's brainwaves by putting electrodes on the skull and harvest with outputs underneath it. Then you can project it on the screen and then you can play a computer game where we can serve [inaudible 0:18:51.3] for a certain brainwave patterns for people. Whenever your brain does divide in you, a spaceship starts moving, or color starts coming up, or something happens when the brain gets reinforced to create new patterns of engaging with the world around us, away from the habitual traumatizing patterns.

[0:19:19.2] MB: Which kinds of brainwaves are you typically trying to produce or reinforce with this neurofeedback?

[0:19:25.4] BvdK: Well, we certainly tried to not have the frontal lobe part of the brain be asleep, as it's oftentimes isn't traumatized people, so you certainly don't want to have delta or theta, where is in the front. You certainly don't want to have very fast, agitated waves in the back of the brain, which is supposed to quietly monitor your body, instead of exciting your body. You need the circuits of the brain that you try to rearrange, so that you actually are in the state, that you can play very good attention to what's going on around you, and when your brain is not primarily oriented towards, “Oh, my God. Something terrible is going to happen to my body and I’m in danger.” This basic applied neurophysiology, applied through science where we can actually help people to rewire how different parts of the brain communicate to each other.

[0:20:27.7] MB: I want to come back to something you touched on a minute ago and explore a little bit more some of the really simple mind-body interventions that people can use to help overcome, or deal with trauma. Tell me a little bit more about yoga. I know you've also written and spoken about Qi Gong as another potential solution. Tell me more about those, what the research shows.

[0:20:53.5] BvdK: I don't study Qi Gong, but I'd be amazed if Qi Gong would do something very different to yoga. Certainly, learning how to – See, our culture is not a culture that's very much focused on self-regulation. There's other cultures, like how the Chinese are very good at, some Indians are very good at, where you can really learn to control your own physiology. As I did, there's these age-old Chinese and Indian methods where you can actually learn to by controlling your breath that comes out of your movements, can manage your own physiological arousal.

The only thing that I've studied there is yoga. I’ve not really studied tai chi, or Qi Gong, but these parts if they wouldn't do the same thing, you can actually learn to manage the housekeeping of your body, which gets so disturbed by trauma. by engaging in a regular yoga practice and really learning how to move and to breathe in a way that makes you feel calm and safe. I call this, so a post-alcoholic culture. The mainstream culture, the western culture is very much if you feel bad, take a drug. It gives these very contradictory messages to our kids. You say to our kids, don't take drugs, but take this drug for your ADHD, or take this drug for your bipolar illness.

We don't really teach kids, or adults that our culture is you can actually regulate your own physiology and a lot of the things that I'm really pushing with whoever I can talk to is that every school should learn the four R's, reading [inaudible 0:22:37.8] and self-regulation and that every school actually should teach kids how to regulate their own physiology. It should be a basic skill as all of us as humans should learn.

[0:22:51.7] MB: Let's dig into that a little bit. Tell me practically what does it look like to use some of these techniques to regulate your own physiology?

[0:23:01.5] BvdK: You start every day with doing yoga, or Qi Gong. You start by sitting still, focusing on your body, activating the interoceptive part of your brain, the midline cortical structures of your brain which has to do with self-regulation, you pay attention to your internal world, you pay attention the way you move, you pay attention to the way you breathe and notice how your breathing patterns change your thinking and your mood patterns and you really become familiar with your own internal world.

Basically, what I advocate is that everybody, but particularly traumatized people really have it, practice in which every day they practice being still and working with their bodies to regulate their physiology.

[0:23:54.4] MB: What would you say to somebody who's listening to this interview who thinks that yoga, or meditation, or some of these practices are unscientific, or new agey, or not really effective interventions for traumatic experiences?

[0:24:11.8] BvdK: I would say read the literature. That means that you really are all familiar with the science and you should look up my name and go into Google Scholar and see our researches I and other people have done. If you want to stay with taking drugs, you should definitely do so, but it won't help you very much.

[0:24:35.7] MB: The science is resoundingly clear that a lot of these sometimes ancient mind-body interventions are really bearing out to be really effective ways of managing our own bodies and integrating our mind and body more closely.

[0:24:48.7] BvdK: Yeah. That may be why people have been doing it for thousands of years. Yeah. Chanting is also very good for people. Chanting cases, your heart rate variability changes it. Whereas, your brainstem, the core of your brain just regulate in your body works. Every religion involves chanting basically. It’s very sad that people don't chant so much in our culture anymore. Our grandparents all chanted and sang, but we don't do it very much anymore. Everybody should go back to actually singing in unison with other people, as people have always done in every religion, because it helps people to feel calm and safe. The military also does it. They do the cadences, and so moving and singing together is very good for people's physiology.

[0:25:42.1] MB: Is that something that you have to be chanting with other people to sync up collectively together, or can you do it by yourself?

[0:25:51.5] BvdK: You probably can do it by yourself, but traditionally for since time immemorial, people have worked in making themselves feel calm and a member of community by singing together. Making music together is a communal enterprise and one of the big things of trauma is that you feel isolated, lonely and bereft and separated from anybody else. Learning how to get in tune with other people, being in sync with other people is undoubtedly a very good thing when you’re traumatized.

[0:26:31.7] MB: What about something, or what has your research shown around things like exposure therapy, or revisiting past experiences, or past traumas as a methodology for healing or overcoming traumatic experiences?

[0:26:47.6] BvdK: Well, I think blasting people with the memory of the trauma is the worst thing you could do to people. You may if you blast people long enough, make them desensitize them, but you also desensitize them to themselves and everything else around them. As of making people, their sensitivity is not a purpose of treatment. I think the whole notion of exposure treatment is really a misunderstanding about the traumatic stress does, because it's not the memory that really is the primary issue, but it's affected your brain has changed in response to the old saying you need to help your brain to feel safe in the present.

It’s indeed helpful to be able to relive the memory from a very safe point of view, but the most important thing is that the mind and the brain needs to be very calm as you revisit the horror of the past, and so making people feel horrified as they relive the past is very, very bad for them and would be anti-therapeutic. The reason why we do things like psychedelics and MDMA when we give people, to people with PTSD is because these drugs help people feel very safe, very calm, so did the mind and the brain is capable of actually going back there and saying, “Yes, this happened to me, but this happened to me a long time ago.” Just blasting people with their past is very bad for them.

[0:28:26.2] MB: I think this is obviously a point you made earlier in the conversation, but it bears repeating because it's such an important understanding of the way that this functions, that it's not about the memory of the experience, but rather that because of the experience, the brain, the body, or really the entire system, or your entire system is locked into this state of being on high alert, or being in threat mode and that these interventions, these mind-body interventions like yoga or the chanting, etc., are ways to help people feel safe inside their own bodies.

[0:29:02.3] BvdK: Yes. The core, the operative word here is feeling safe, calm and in control over your own physiology. You don't want to do anything to just blast people with things that make them feel out of control again. The whole teaching issue is how can I help you to feel safe inside and if you have the courage to face very, very difficult things while you feel safe and you feel no harm can occur to you. The most important thing is to create an environment of safety and physiological calm in which healing can occur.

[0:29:51.2] MB: At the risk of rehashing, some of these we've already talked about, I think it bears digging back into this a little bit. Tell me really specifically what are the best strategies that your science, your research, decades in trauma treatment have uncovered for helping people feel safe, calm and in control of their own bodies and their own physiologies?

[0:30:12.0] BvdK: Look, so it starts off as feeling safe in your body. That means that you need to actually do something that allows you to feel your sensations without being freaked out by them. The experience of trauma is we lived in the form of heartache and gut-wrenching physical sensations as a bodily experience of, “Oh, my God. I'm in danger and this is intolerable.” The reason why people take drugs is because they have intolerable physical sensations. They cannot stand the way their body feels. The core issue is we need to help people to feel safe in their bodies. Breathing, moving, chanting, yoga, Qi Gong, maybe dancing massages maybe one – people have to discover first how can I make my body feel safe?

Once your body feels safe, you can allow yourself to slowly go to experiences, or from the past are too horrifying to meet and to encounter again. Once you feel really safe, you can bite off little pieces of what happened back then and say, “Yes, that is horrible.” Then a three-years-old, when an eight-year-old seeing that person being blowed up, or being threatened, or big raped was horrendous. Because I feel safe right now, I can really deeply appreciate that's what's happened back then is something that belongs to my past, not to my present. You can only do that once your body feels safe and feels deeply rooted in the time that you live in 2018 in our case.

[0:32:17.9] MB: Mindfulness, yoga –

[0:32:19.6] BvdK: These issues – yeah, mindful. Mindfulness is difficult for most traumatized people, because becoming still it means they empty our mind and then the demons from the past tend to come up. Just sitting still in meditation is for most traumatized people a big challenge. Doing something like yoga might help your mind to focus and your body to focus and generally, it's more safe for people than just sitting in meditation. I have nothing but great respect for people who have the capacity to sit in silence for 10 days and allow the demons to come out and to wrestle with them and to lay them to rest.

[0:33:10.1] MB: That's an interesting point and one I think that's worth digging into a little bit more, this idea that meditation is a very effective strategy, but it's often very challenging to sit and experience those feelings. That's why something with a little bit of movement, with a little bit of activity to help ground you and your body really helps make it easier to deal with those feelings of fear and panic and anxiety that you're viscerally experiencing.

[0:33:40.7] BvdK: The other thing that's important to say is that none of this has to do with understanding, has nothing – so explaining why you're messed up helps people to understand, “Oh, now I know why I’m messed up.” Understanding why you're messed up does not stop you from being messed up. Explain your people, “Oh, you shouldn't feel that way because this happened a long time ago and today is December 2018. How can you be so stupid to continue to feel like that,” is not really a good treatment. You should not pay for treatments like that.

[0:34:21.9] MB: I think you previously phrased it in such a way that it's not a problem that you can rationally solve.

[0:34:29.9] BvdK: That's right. The irrational brain has nothing to do with this. This has to do with your animal brain, has to do with the housekeeping of your body and your core entity of yourself that feels in danger, even though you know that you're not in danger, you know that this – you know rationally this person is not going to hurt you, but your body feels like this person is about to rape you again.

It comes from a different part of your brain that comes from that right, deep survival part of your brain. You need to go into your survival brain. Sitting on your butt and talking about it is not going to solve the issue.

[0:35:22.4] MB: For somebody who's listening to this conversation, who wants to practically start implementing some of these solutions, whether it's breathing, chanting, yoga, etc., are there any particular resources, or practices, or strategies whether that either you've researched, or that you recommend, or that you think are great starting places for getting back into the body and creating that sense of calm and peace with yourself?

[0:35:52.7] BvdK: That is the big, big question. I think if you go to the American Psychological Association website and there are some people who advertise themselves as being trauma-savvy, they may or may not be. Anybody who can work with bodily states would be very helpful. I think EMDR, eye movement desensitization processing is a very nice technique to help lay relatively uncomplicated trauma to rest is important say to – so there's a lot of EMDR trainers. People have been trained in somatic experiencing, or sensory motor psychotherapy tend to be people who basically know the principles of this. Going to set promises with yoga is helpful, going to certain healing centers like Apollo Yoga Center here in Massachusetts is helpful.

Yeah, the Sidran Foundation. It’s a foundation it has good resources. The Trauma Center, the Trauma Research Foundation, we have resources on our website. Also that experiencing does, the Center for Self-leadership has very good resources. My book has a whole bunch of resources in the back of it, of people who do various things would help.

[0:37:35.1] MB: Sorry, I didn’t I mean to interrupt you.

[0:37:38.0] BvdK: What's important here is that we have this rush towards evidence-based treatments, but it's important to remember this work is 30-years-old. People had just been gradually discovering all kinds of things. For example, 10 years ago I had nothing about neurofeedback. Most people I know still don't know anything neurofeedback. Now a number of people are good with neurofeedback. Two years ago, we started to do MDMA therapy and that's very promising. All of this is a work in progress. Just not like, “Oh, we have discovered it. We know what the truth is. This is what the evidence has done.” People are continuously learning and finding new treatments, so it's important to know that this is an evolving field.

[0:38:40.7] MB: I think that's a very important disclaimer. We'll make sure to include all of the various resources, obviously link to your book and your website and all the resources you mentioned in the show notes for listeners who want to come and do some homework, or want to find some really detailed solutions and strategies. I wanted to clarify, or understand, dig a little bit deeper into two of the things you mentioned. One just a point of clarification and forgive me for mispronouncing, but you said something of the Cedron Foundation, or I missed that –

[0:39:10.4] BvdK: Sidran. S-I-D-R-A-N is the foundation that has paid close attention to this. Yeah.

[0:39:18.2] MB: Perfect. We'll make sure that's in the notes. Then the second one, you mention the phrase somatic experiencing. Tell me a little bit what is that and how does it work.

[0:39:28.6] BvdK: Somatic experiencing is one particular trauma treatment that very much focuses on the body getting stuck in trauma and helping to release and feel safe in your body. Similar to another sister method called somatic experiencing. It has been the sensorimotor psychotherapy. Two methods developed by two different friends of mine. EMDR is very important to mention –

[0:40:04.2] MB: Tell me a little –

[0:40:05.0] BvdK: It is very helpful to – yeah.

[0:40:08.3] MB: Yeah, so I apologize for talking over you. EMDR, tell me a little bit more about what that is and from –

[0:40:14.1] BvdK: EMDR is a very strange technique that is ended by Francine Shapiro about 25 years ago, who discovered that if you call up a memory and you move your eyes from side to side, that oftentimes lead to that memory losing some of its power. It's something that I did research on, funded by [inaudible 0:40:38.8] health and we thought the deed is very helpful in many, many cases. We recently finished the study in the brain scanner seeing what it does and this actually we're able to show that moving your eyes from side to side indeed does change – activate some brain circuits that has to do with self-perception and being able to put things in the proper time sequence.

[0:41:13.3] MB: It's great to see all of these different techniques and strategies. There's a lot of solutions out there for people who might be experiencing trauma who are suffering and struggling. For listeners who are listening this episode, we want to start with one simple action item, or piece of homework to implement some of the ideas and solutions we've talked about today, what would be one piece of advice you can to them?

[0:41:37.8] BvdK: The first action item actually is to – well, one is to take care of your body and to really begin to develop a loving relationship to taking care everybody. I think yoga, Qi Gong, maybe tango dancing, maybe martial arts, a way which really gets in touch with your bodily sensations and learn how to manage about new sensations will be the foundation as far as I'm concerned.

Being able to tell somebody what has happened to you and what you’re so terrified of is also very helpful. Being able to get things off your chest, being able to say to somebody, “I was raped. I was molested.” To really tell the truth is also very important. It doesn't make it go away, but being able to put it out there and say this is what I'm struggling with is a very important issue also. Then being by somebody who really takes you very seriously and doesn't try to fix you, but tries to help you to find ways in which you can feel better about yourself is very important.

[0:43:04.1] MB: For listeners who want to – actually before we get into that, I have one other theme or question that came up when you were talking about that that I wanted to ask about. For something as simple as a cardio workout, whether it's biking, walking, running, have you found any research, any work around whether that's an effective way to get back into the body and help alleviate some of those?

[0:43:33.0] BvdK: It can be, but cardio workouts can also be great ways of actually separating you from your body, being like a monster on a treadmill, it doesn't really make your mind feel more connected with your body. People can use marathon running and these very hard exercises as ways of not feeling themselves. The mindful body techniques into health, but if you go to a gym and you've go in the treadmill, you watch Fox News, I would not call it good trauma treatment.

[0:44:19.4] MB: I think that's an important insight and then I wanted to understand that. For listeners who want to find you, find your book, your work, etc., online, what's the best place for them to go to do that?

[0:44:33.1] BvdK: Well, I have a Facebook blog, The Body Keeps Score. My book is worth reading. I like to say that has sold extremely a copy, so it must be worth reading for some people. Our website is myresearchfoundation.org. Then I have a personal website called bessosvanderkolk.com.

[0:45:05.3] MB: Well, Dr. van der Kolk, thank you so much for coming on the show, for sharing all of your incredible research and experience and strategies and solutions for overcoming trauma.

[0:45:17.2] BvdK: Thank you. Good luck with your program.

April 18, 2019 /Lace Gilger
Emotional Intelligence, Health & Wellness
Mollie Duffy & Liz Fosslien-01.png

No Hard Feelings: Your Complete Guide To Dealing With Emotions At Work with Liz Fosslien & Mollie West Duffy

April 11, 2019 by Lace Gilger in Emotional Intelligence

In this episode we discuss emotions at work. Do they have a place? What can you do about them? We look at why you should be less passionate about your job, we explore the science behind actually being motivated at work and prevent yourself from being burnt out, and we share a powerfully simple emotion management checklist you can start using right now with our guests Mollie West Duffy and Liz Fosslien.

Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy are the co-authors of No Hard Feelings: The Secret Power of Embracing Emotion at Work. Liz has run workshops for leaders at organizations such as Google, Facebook, Nike, and Stanford on how to create inclusive cultures. Her writing has appeared in CNN, The Economist, The Financial Times, and NPR.

Mollie is an Organizational Designer at global innovation firm IDEO. Her writing has been featured in Fast Company, Quartz, Stanford Social Innovation Review, Entrepreneur, Quiet Rev, and other digital outlets, and she’s taught design courses at Stanford.

  • Why you should be LESS passionate about your job

  • Caring too much about your job can actually be bad for your health

  • How do we “take a chill pill” and distance ourselves from our work?

  • The Power of Rest and Recovery and the diminishing returns of over working

  • Give yourself time from the inundation of phone calls, meetings etc

  • Carve out time to think, carve out time to be alone, make time for friends and family 

  • Make sure you’re cultivating your personal relationships to prevent burnout 

  • What do people get wrong about motivating and inspiring themselves?

  • Your emotions can create and sustain your motivations

  • What are the things that kill motivation?

    • Lack of control

    • Not finding your work meaningful 

  • How to take back control of your work and deal with a tough or micro managing boss 

  • The “progress principle” - small incremental progress of small wins can snowball 

  • How do you build motivation at work? (And stop the things that kill your motivation) 

  • How do you integrate and find more learning opportunities back in work?

  • It’s biologically impossible to stop feeling emotion. You cannot make decisions without emotion. 

  • All good decision making integrates emotion 

  • Is it possible that envy can be a productive emotion? Can envy help you make better decisions

  • “Envy contains very valuable information” 

  • Can anger and anxiety be productive tools to helping you achieve your goals?

  • Why you should say “I’m not stressed, I’m excited"

  • You always have more options than you think you do. 

  • We walk through a great emotional management checklist that you can start to use right away to improve your decision making 

  • Discover your decision-making tendency - satisfiers and maximizers - what are the differences and why is that important?

  • Run your thinking by another person - verbalizing the out loud forces you to synthesizes information and identify biases in your thinking 

  • Psychological safety - An environment where people feel like they can:

    • Admit Mistakes

    • Ask Questions

    • Challenge ideas 

    • Take Risks

  • How do you create psychological safety? One easy strategy is to positively reinforce someone taking one of these risks. 

  • You can also do a “bad idea brainstorm” to help get goofy, take away the competitive edge and help people feel more comfortable 

  • Use “generative language” to keep ideas flowing and open 

  • The concept of “task conflict” - we like each other, but we clash with each other over the CONTENT of our work 

  • Write your own “User Manual” or “How To Work With Me Guide” to give to your boss, coworkers, etc 

  • Sometimes the best solution might be to do nothing 

  • Your feelings aren’t facts

  • We often react and interact with each other based on assumptions that we never both to explore or look into at all 

  • The words we say are not always what we mean 

  • "When you X, I feel Y"

  • "Don’t just do something, stand there"

  • The 3 things to do if you have an issue with someone

    • Label your feelings

    • Understand where those feelings are coming from

    • Feel calm enough to have a conversation about your emotions without getting emotional 

  • An in person request is more than thirty times more likely to be a yes than an emailed one 

  • What are some best practices for digital communication?

  • Over email (especially dealing with someone who is senior to you) you are much more likely to assume it’s negative 

  • Use emojis to express tone and emotional cues in digital communication 

  • Homework: Sit down and write down everything you’re feeling to develop your emotional granularity and self awareness. Take the time to reflect and think about what you’re feeling. Then identify the NEED behind those feelings. 

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Want To Dig In More?! - Here’s The Show Notes, Links, & Research

General

  • Liz and Mollie’s website

  • Liz and Mollie’s Twitter

  • Liz’s personal site and Mollie’s personal site

  • Liz’s LinkedIn and Mollie’s LinkedIn

Media

  • [Article] Challenge vs. Threat: the Effect of Appraisal Type on Resource Depletion by Erin N. Palmwood and Christine McBride

  • [Article] Huffpost - “A Culture of Feedback: Making it Tangible” By Mollie West Duffy and Kate McCoubrey Judson and Illustrations by Liz Fosslien

  • [Article] Design Feaster - Pride, Work and Necessity of Side Projects: Illustrator Liz Fosslien and Designer Mollie West Duffy Advocate Emotion at Work

  • [Article] CNN Tech - “15 Questions with ...Liz Fosslien”

  • [Article Directory] Mollie’s articles for Quartz and Liz’s articles for Quartz

  • [Article Directory] Liz’s work on Medium

  • [Article Directory] Quiet Revolution: Liz Fosslien and Mollie West author directory

  • [Article] IDEO - What Org Design Actually Looks Like by Mollie West Duffy

  • [Article] Everipedia Wiki page: Mollie Duffy

  • [Podcast] Your Working Life with Caroline Dowd-Higgins - Mollie West Duffy

  • [Podcast] BrandiSea - Interview with Author Liz Fosslien on Emotions in the Workplace – Episode 077

  • [Podcast] Uphill Conversations - 107: LIZ FOSSLIEN – NO HARD FEELINGS

Books

  • [Book] No Hard Feelings: The Secret Power of Embracing Emotions at Work by Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy

  • [Book] The Checklist Manifesto: How to Get Things Right by Atul Gawande

Misc

  • [SoS Episode] Seven Catalysts To Creating Progress and Becoming A More Effective Leader with Dr. Teresa Amabile

Episode Transcript

[00:00:04.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[0:00:11.8] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success; the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than three million downloads and listeners in over a hundred countries.

In this episode, we discuss emotions at work. Do they have a place? What can you do about them? We look at why you should be less passionate about your job. We explore the science behind actually being motivated at work and preventing yourself from being burnt out and we share a powerfully simple emotion management checklist that you can start using right now with our guests Mollie West Duffy and Liz Fosslien.

I’m going to tell you why you’ve been missing out on some incredibly cool stuff if you haven’t signed up for our e-mail list yet. All you have to do to sign up is to go to successpodcast.com and sign up right on the home page.

On top of tons subscriber-only content, exclusive access and live Q&As with previous guests, monthly giveaways and much more, I also created an epic free video course just for you. It's called How to Create Time for What Matters Most Even When You're Really Busy. E-mail subscribers have been raving about this guide.

You can get all of that and much more by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the home page, or by texting the word smarter to the number 44-222 on your phone. If you like what I do on Science of Success, my e-mail list is the number one way to engage with me and go deeper on what I discuss on the show, including free guides, actionable takeaways, exclusive content and much, much more.

Sign up for my e-mail list today by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the home page, or if you're on the go, if you're on your phone right now, it's even easier. Just text the word “smarter”, that's S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44-222. I can't wait to show you all the exciting things you'll get when you sign up and join the e-mail list.

In our previous episode, we shared how to get over yourself and stop taking things so seriously. We discuss the important relationship between confusion and clarity and we explored the art of letting go of the need for safety, security and control in your everyday life, so that you can relax into who you've always been with our previous guest, Dr. Mark Epstein. If you want to take things less seriously, listen to our previous episode.

Now for our interview with Mollie and Liz.

[0:03:00.1] MB: Today, we have two exciting guests for the show with a double interview. We have Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy. They're the co-authors of No Hard Feelings: The Secret Power of Embracing Emotions at Work. Liz has run workshops for leaders at organizations such as Google, Facebook, Nike and Stanford on how to create inclusive cultures. Her writing and illustrations have appeared in CNN, The Economist, The Financial Times and much more. Mollie's an organizational designer at Global Innovation firm IDEO and her writing has been featured in Fast Company, courts, The Stanford Social Innovation Review, Entrepreneur and many other outlets. She's also talked design courses at Stanford.

Mollie and Liz, welcome to the Science of Success.

[0:03:44.2] MWD: Thanks for having us.

[0:03:45.6] LF: Yeah, excited to be here.

[0:03:47.4] MB: Well, we're very excited to have you on the show today. Love what the book is about and the message. As we were talking about in the pre-show, for listeners who do end up checking the book out, the illustrations which Liz created, there's some hilarious, really, really funny images and just encapsulate all kinds of little nuances around office culture and work life and all these things. I thought the book was really great.

[0:04:11.6] LF: Thank you.

[0:04:13.1] MB: I'd love to start out with and maybe just dig into something that you open up pretty early on in the book, which seems to fly in the face of a lot of things we hear, or maybe even some people would think about as conventional wisdom, which is this notion of being less passionate about your job. Tell me more about that.

[0:04:31.3] MWD: Absolutely. We have several new rules of emotions at work that we write about. The one that we write about in the health chapter is the less passion about your job, why taking a chill pill makes you healthier. The idea is that caring too much about our job can actually be a little bit unhealthy. It's great to have passion for your job, we're not saying that, but that going overboard with that is going to make small problems or throwaway remarks feel like huge problems to you. It's possible to be overly attached to any job. By caring a little bit less, we're not saying totally stop caring, we're just saying care about yourself more, carve out the time for yourself, or the people you love, for exercise and so on.

[0:05:20.3] MB: That totally makes sense. I'm curious, what are some of the strategies that listeners could use? I mean, sometimes and I think I experienced this as well, it's hard sometimes when you get caught up in it and get really frustrated or angry about something that's going on at work, how do you create that distance, or start to as you put it take a chill pill?

[0:05:42.1] LF: Yeah, so one great way is just don't neglect your personal life. I definitely had this earlier in my career, where I thought that I just really wanted to get ahead, and so I was just going to work, work, work 24/7. That's actually not sustainable. Research shows that the productivity drops off a little bit after we've worked 50 hours a week. I think anyone who stared at a computer screen for nine hours in a row, you just feel yourself sagging, your brain turns to mush. Just really making sure to step away from the computer, put your phones away. I think we hear this advice all the time, but it's really nice to have another reminder that will just help you be more creative.

Another thing is to give yourself time away from the inundation of phone calls and meetings to really get a lot of work done, so that you don't feel so stressed at the end of the day, or on the weekends. One thing that I really like to do is just block off three hours in the afternoon and I say, “I can't schedule meetings here. I can't take a phone call. I'm only going to get a lot of work done.” I think, I hear so often from friends that it's the weekend and finally, I feel I can catch up on my work. That means that you don't have any time off, which is super crucial.

Then one last thing is if you're a manager, really setting an example. We love, we've heard examples of companies that institute policies where employees just can't e-mail each other after 7:00 p.m. Or if it's a holiday, unless it's crucial that you contact someone, just stepping away from e-mail. I think managers really set the tone for that. Just making sure, usually that e-mail doesn't really need to go out at 11:00 p.m. and so you can schedule it to go out the next morning, just these really small changes that can create a culture in which people feel a little better taking the breaks that they absolutely need.

[0:07:37.5] MB: You bring up a couple points that I think are vitally important and very interrelated, but also distinct points; one is this idea of carving out time that's not trapped in that constant state of reactivity of phone calls, e-mails requests, demands and really having a space for proactive and creative work. That's something that I personally – I try to spend – I have the opposite schedule, where I try to set my mornings to be my creative time and then have my meetings in the afternoon, but I think it's so vital.

Then the second piece of that that's also tremendously important is this notion of rest and recovery and having the reality that the research shows that there's a serious amount of diminishing returns to overworking.

[0:08:23.3] LF: Yeah, definitely. Just one other study that comes to mind on this that I really love is researchers looked at the day-to-day fluctuations in people's emotions and they found that workers are happiest and least stressed on weekends, which I think no one is surprised there. They also found out that people who are unemployed, or who were not in an office were also most happy on weekends. What they figured out was that the mechanism behind that was just that they were spending time with their friends who went into offices.

It's also crucial. It's carve out time to think, carve out time to be alone, but then keep bringing great people into your life, make time for friends if someone's in town. It might be worth it to have dinner with them and then maybe stay up a little later checking your e-mail, or just make sure that you are cultivating your personal relationships. I think the science shows that having a support network around you really helps prevent burnout, makes you happier and then that all channels into more productive.

[0:09:22.8] MB: It seems so counterintuitive that spending some time, having dinner with friends and instead of staring at your screen and sending out that e-mail at 9 p.m., it seems that's less productive and maybe especially for Americans. It's so counterintuitive and yet, research shows it and the reality is you need that downtime, you need that rest and recovery.

[0:09:45.7] LF: Yes, completely.

[0:09:47.1] MB: I want to come back to this and I hinted at it, but there's some of these cultural factors and things like that and how Americans differ from other countries, but before we dig into that, one of the other topics that I found to be really interesting was motivation and inspiration. What do people get wrong about motivating themselves, or inspiring themselves?

[0:10:09.9] MWD: Yes. I think a lot of times, we think about motivation as external factors. Obviously, we want to get paid to work and that makes a big difference. You never really know how much can you motivate yourself. Are you unmotivated because your work seems pointless? Or does your work feel pointless, because you're unmotivated? It's just so hard to figure that out?

We write about in the book that you really can inspire yourself and emotions are a big part of this, that your emotions can create and sustain your own motivation. We talk about why you might be lacking motivation, so one thing is that you don't have control over your work. The emotion of feeling you lack control can make you demotivated. Even if you can't change how much autonomy your boss gives you, there are small things you can do, even if you have a micromanager to just give yourself a little bit more control, so you can focus on small wins, you can ask your manager to define the outcomes, rather than the processes; these small tweaks that we can all do.

[0:11:16.0] MB: Tell me more about some of these things you can do to take that control and feel like you have control over your work.

[0:11:21.8] MWD: Yeah, absolutely. As I said, the first thing is just thinking about how can I have control over the processes to get towards end results. Your boss has an end result in mind. For example, I work a design and a lot of times our clients come in and they say, “Here's what we want out of this project. They don't always get to say how we do it. In fact, we have a lot of control over the process that we use, the design process that we use, and so we find that really satisfying when we come to work.

What are the ways that you can say, “I'm going to get you to the right outcome. Can I decide how I spend the day, the week, the month to get there.” Then the research shows, there's actually great research by Harvard Business School professor named Teresa Amabile and she calls it the progress principle. She says that even if you just take these very small steps every day, very incremental progress. You sent an e-mail that you'd been putting off, or you wrote a report that was on the bottom of your stock, that will make you feel like you did something that day and will actually energize you. To remind yourself these small goals do connect to a larger purpose to work towards. I love those too.

[0:12:39.4] MB: Those are both great strategies. Teresa Amabile is actually a previous guest on the show as well, so we'll make sure to throw that interview into the show notes for listeners who want to check that out.

Another thing coming back this idea of motivation, what are – so lack of control is one of the things, what are some of the other factors that you discovered that sabotage motivation?

[0:13:00.5] MWD: Yeah, so the next one is that you don't find your work meaningful. When you're like, “Oh, just working on e-mail, or working on a dataset or something,” it's really important to understand the broader impact of your work and studies show that that does make you more productive. A Wharton professor Adam Grant, we love; he did the study where he had workers at the university’s call center who were doing scholarship fundraising. He actually had the meet with some of the scholarship recipients at the university and it was a five-minute meeting. They understood how much their efforts had affected these students’ lives. The scholars who had spoken – the scholarship recipients at the end of the month raised twice as much as those who did not. Mindset really, really matters.

Another thing is that you're not conceptualizing work as a place of learning. Sometimes, we feel like, “Oh, okay. We went to college. We got a job, so learning is done. Now we're just in the workplace.” Actually, one of the best ways to learn is through action and that can be a really big motivator. Thinking about what are the side projects you want to work on, or who are the co-workers who have different skills that you could tap into, to learn any skill from, super important.

Then lastly, you don't enjoy working with your co-workers. We talk about it in the book how – okay, all of this can matter, but then sometimes there are some mornings where you're just like, “Okay, forget meaning, forget autonomy. I'm just irritated to be at work right now.” People who have friends at work always are going to find their jobs more satisfying, even in those moments. Understanding which work friends you can tap into to get that little motivation in the mornings when you need it, super important.

[0:14:55.7] MB: What are some of the strategies to bring learning back into the workplace?

[0:15:02.9] MWD: Yeah. I imagine, I think a great one is thinking about swapping skills. Finding a time with a co-worker where they can teach you something and you can teach them something and it's win-win. Starting side projects. Liz could give this example, where she wanted to learn coding basics. She actually built her personal website from scratch and it looks awesome and she taught herself how to code.

The important thing here is that it's uniquely yours. You're not doing it for anyone else, and so you're going to have to go back to your first thing, you're going to have complete autonomy over that. Then lots of organizations do have ways to learn within the organization. Looking for that through your learning and development organization, or any part of the organization you can find that in.

[0:15:52.8] MB: All great suggestions and good strategies to solve the puzzle of workplace motivation, which can certainly be a challenge. Another really interesting topic that you bring up and discuss in the book was this idea of emotions and how they interact with decision-making. Should good decisions be decisions that are completely devoid of emotion?

[0:16:14.8] LF: Yeah. I love how you phrase that, because nothing can ever be devoid of emotion. I think it's a really incorrect belief that we hold that you have rationality on one side and then you have emotions on the other, or the bigger thing that I think a lot of people still believe about work is that you can check your feelings at the door, which is just we are emotional creatures in any circumstance, it’s biologically impossible to stop feeling emotion.

That's said, given that emotions are going to be in your decision-making process, you have to acknowledge that they're there and that then allows you to filter out which of these emotions that I'm feeling are useful and which are not. In the book, we describe those as irrelevant emotions and relevant emotions. To give two quick examples, one of each; an irrelevant emotion is one that does not have anything to do with the decision, but likes to stick its tentacles into your decision.

Imagine, let's say that I'm stuck in traffic for two hours. I'm going to be irritable. I'm going to just be really grumpy when I get into the office. If I'm then making a big decision of even something as big as should we hire this person? I might come to that decision and just be – there's research that shows that when we're angry, we're more likely to relay on stereotypes, we make faster decisions. That's not the state that you want to be in when you're making a choice. Really understanding in that moment, “Okay, I'm upset. I'm upset, because I sat in traffic, and so I need to take half an hour before I go to this hiring decision.” Super important, because if I'm not acknowledging the state that I'm in, it's going to affect the choice I make.

Now a relevant emotion is one that is directly tied to the decision at hand. Examples of that are regret. If you think about – let's say you're thinking about taking a new job and the idea of not taking that job fills you with regret, that's relevant. You shouldn't base your decision on that emotion, but it should be a data point that you factor in. Then another relevant emotion, my favorite one that we touch upon in the book is envy. I think envy is this thing that we often think of as bad and that's stigmatized, especially at work.

Mollie and I do not endure letting your envy turn into bitterness, or having it affect how you act towards someone. It's again, one of these things that you should hold up to the light and examine, because envy contains really valuable information. One of the people that we interviewed was Gretchen Rubin, who's written The Four Tendencies and The Happiness Project. She told us that at some point she was a lawyer and she was thinking about her next career move. She looked in her school's alumni magazine. When she read stories about lawyers who had excellent careers, she thought that was cool and maybe she felt a little burst of motivation. When she read about alumni who had amazing writing careers, she said she actually felt physically sick with envy.

To her, that was just a really clear sign that she probably wanted to go into writing, and so then, that helped her make the decision of, “I should maybe think less about law in the future and look into how could I make a career out of writing, which is clearly something that I love, because I want the careers of people who have done that successfully.”

[0:19:39.9] MB: Two really, really good points, this idea that emotions are inevitable and that the right way we have to integrate them is to build them into our decision-making and take the information that we're getting from them. One of my favorite quotes about emotion is that emotions are data, but not direction.

[0:19:59.4] LF: Oh, I love that. Yeah, that's very in-line with our point in the book.

[0:20:04.6] MB: Even something, you threw out anger and I don't disagree that it oftentimes could be a terrible emotion for decision-making. Even anger could be a relevant and useful emotion. I sometimes feel anger is great fuel when you need to make changes and really aggressively change things. Sometimes if I'm angry and something completely different has angered me, I'll then turn that to whether it's projects, or my calendar, something like that and I'll just take a buzz saw out and start hacking away all of these things.

It can be really productive to say, but you have to have that self-awareness at the beginning, right, to check in and say, “Hey, I'm angry. How can I make this productive, instead of making it unproductive?”

[0:20:46.4] LF: Totally. I think anxiety is similar too. I am probably more anxious than most people. That often means that I worry about am I making the right decision, or even separately, am I going to do well on this? Am I going to meet the deadline? That actually is very motivational for me. I'm usually able to then say I have all this energy. We talked too in the book about this concept of reappraisal, which is that the physiological symptoms of anxiety, which is elevated heart rate, your palms start to sweat, they're very similar, almost identical to excitement.

If you're able to tell yourself, “I'm not anxious. I'm excited,” you can channel that productively and suddenly, just have a burst of motivation and again, start just checking things off your to-do list. I love this concept that you brought up about taking these things that we might normally see as scary, or bad emotions and should suppress and actually figuring out, well how could this be useful to me? Also I need to examine why I'm feeling this. Then again, address the need behind that and turn this all into productivity and then happiness and well-being. I think it's all part of the same big cycle.

[0:21:55.5] MB: Tell me a little bit more about reappraisal and how can somebody concretely start to actually apply that idea.

[0:22:03.4] LF: Yeah, so this comes from HBS STEM Professor Alison Woods. She found that again like I said, sorry Alison Wood Brooks, she found that when we experience anxiety, a really great way is to actually just say out loud in that moment, “I'm excited.” Let's say you are about to give a speech, this is something again in the research a lot of people are afraid of public speaking. If you feel your heart rate elevating, you feel yourself getting short of breath, that also happens when you're extremely excited, when you're about to tell someone great news, or if you’re waiting for a surprise birthday party to yell ‘surprise’, you're also going to have an elevated heart rate, you might get a little short of breath.

Really just saying again, it's as simple as saying, “I'm not stressed. I'm excited.” The research there does show that people who do that end up performing better, when they're able to reappraise their emotions and redirect that energy into a positive direction.

[0:23:05.8] MB: Very cool. It's a great strategy and another really thoughtful way of thinking about how to integrate emotion into performance and into our work lives. Another thing that you shared in the chapter on emotion that I thought was really important was this decision-making checklist. Tell me a little bit about why you decided to include a checklist.

[0:23:27.9] MWD: Yeah. We love checklists and Atul Gawande has famously wrote about how they save lives, pilots and surgeons use them to make sure that they're not skipping important steps. For this one, we called it a manager mind checklist. I think it's really important I think, especially for people like me and Liz, where we do have a fair amount of anxiety. It's really nice to say, “Okay, I'm going to go through this checklist that is a very standard operating procedure to help me do this thing, which can feel really daunting and irrational and emotional.” Even though we just talked about with learn from emotion, it still can be helpful to go through this process.

Just briefly, we recommend writing out your options. Usually when we think we just have two options, you actually have more options. This is something I constantly have to remind myself of, where I get into very black-and-white thinking and it's like, “Okay, I can either stay at my current job, or take a new job.” There's probably a third option out there, which is stay at my current job and ask for a promotion, or stay at my current job and work on the side project like writing a book. There's always more than two options.

Write them out, list everything that you're feeling and those can be relevant or irrelevant emotions, go through that process of regulating each emotion that is not relevant and then link the remaining emotions that are relevant to specific options. Notice if they're tied to a specific choice, are you most excited when you imagine yourself picking option A and you're most afraid when you think about picking option B. Then ask why. Instead of saying, “What my afraid of?” Thinking about why am I afraid. That gets you a lot deeper and helps you understand a little bit more.

We also recommend figuring out your decision-making tendency. You might have talked about this on your podcast in the past, but there's famous study where there's two types of people in the world; there’s satisficers and maximizers. Satisficers are usually happy with their decision when they just pick it, it's just like, here are the requirements that I have. I'm going to meet those requirements and I'm going to be happy about it. Whereas, maximizers are just like, I want to have the optimal options. I'm going to go through everything.

It tends to be that satisficers are a little bit happier, but it's not that one is better than the other. Just understanding your decision-making tendency is really important, so that you can know if you're a maximizer, you might go into inconclusive second-guessing of everything. Then run your thinking by another person. Find a friend or a colleague who you can think about your options. A lot of times verbalizing those out loud forces you to synthesize that information and they can help you identify biases. After you've done all of that, you can make a decision of knowing that you've gone through the checklist and you can make sure that it was the right one.

[0:26:35.7] MB: Great suggestions. I love all those strategies. Obviously, Checklist Manifesto, Atul Gawande’s book is a great read. One of the most powerful things that I think you just shared is just hidden in that cascade of wisdom was this idea that you always have more options than you think you do. Outside of this whole context of decision-making, I think that's a really powerful mental model and an idea.

[0:27:03.2] MWD: Yeah. Like I said, I have to remind myself of this all the time and I think, the best outcomes have usually been not the first two things that I have thought of, but it's a third or a fourth thing. You can have your cake and eat it too. If you want two things and they seem in opposition, how can you somehow have them both? You may not be able to have them both at the same time and you could say, “I'm going to have this year and the other one next year, or this during my work day and this in the weekend,” something like that. How can you reframe it for yourself?

[0:27:40.1] MB: Yeah, that thinking for – I hate to use this term, but thinking outside the box, nonlinear thinking, all of that stuff, that's something I've been personally really interested in for a long time and I've deeply studied the science behind it and the neuroscience around it and tried to develop and build that skill set, because I think it's so powerful once you can start to step out and realize there's always so many more options than you think that you have.

[0:28:05.0] MWD: Totally.

[0:28:07.0] MB: I want to Segway and dig into some of the communication strategies and team strategies that you talk about in the book. Tell me a little bit about the concept of psychological safety and how that fits in with the way we should interact with others?

[0:28:23.9] LF: Yeah. Psychological safety is when people feel they can suggest ideas, admit mistakes and take risks without being embarrassed by the group. If you think about it, it makes sense that this is the most crucial part of a team. There was a big study at Google called Project Aristotle a few years ago, where researchers went in and collected all this data on different teams. Then we're trying to see if they could predict which teams would be most successful. They were looking at things like is there a senior person on the team? What's the average tenure of all the members? Do we have introverts and extroverts?

What they found again was it's not really who's on the team that matters, it's how the team works together. The teams that had psychological safety where people could sit in a brainstorm and just feel they could say whatever was on their mind and that they could flag issues, those were the teams that outperformed.

Again, it sounds so obvious when you hear it, but it's just still so many places are not actively working to cultivate that environment. In the book, we give a few ways to really make sure that people – that you're getting the most out of all of your employees. One thing else that I want to say as well is that when we think about diverse teams, I think generally there is a correct notion that when you have more diversity, you're going to have more creative solutions. Again, that outcome is contingent upon psychological safety. If you have five people in the room and they all come from different backgrounds and they have different skill sets and they view the world through different lenses, that's all great. You want all those things. That's why you have a team, because people bring different things to the table.

If you're not creating a space in which each of those people feel they can share everything that makes them unique, you might as well just have five robots in the room, because you're just not going to get everything within each of those people. In the book, a few ways to create psychological safety; so the first is really simple and this you can do if you're a manager, you can do if it's your first day, which is just to positively reinforce someone taking a small risk.

If someone says in a meeting, “Hey, here's a potential issue I think could come up that we should think about and be prepared for,” just take the five seconds to say, “I'm so glad you brought that up. It's really important that we all come – flag things that we think might be issues.” That little thing can really make a big difference. Then a more a more fun thing that we suggest is teams can also host bad ideas brain storms. This is just to help people get goofy around each other. It takes the competitive edge off, because it's no longer who's the smartest. Let's just really throw out horrible ideas. It's a great way to get people to feel comfortable around one another. Also, often you'll find that in the worst idea, there's some nugget of wisdom and it might actually spawn into something cool.

Then a third one, the last one that I'll cover here is to use generative language. Instead of shutting ideas down immediately, or saying that'll never work, if you think that it's cool and it wouldn't take a long time to prototype or try it out, maybe just saying like, “Hey, let's try it.” Or just saying something like, “Yes.” Instead of countering with, “But, always.” I know that's a big thing at Pixar animation studio where you’re supposed to always respond with, “Yes, and,” because it's just a nice way of again not instantly rebutting someone's idea, but building off of it.

[0:32:04.7] MB: I've never come across the term, all these ideas categorized under the moniker of psychological safety, but I'm a huge advocate, huge proponent of all of these notions. The fact that whenever you create an environment where people are open and transparent, willing to admit their mistakes and failures, willing to challenge anybody's ideas, that's so important and really crystallizes and leads to some of the best possible decisions.

[0:32:30.9] LF: Absolutely. There's also research that shows that when we feel safe around our colleagues – a great example is LinkedIn. A few years ago, they started adding questions into their employee engagement survey. One of the questions was I feel that someone at work cares about me. The other question was when I make a mistake, I feel safe. The world isn't going to end, I'm not going to get immediately fired. Those two questions ended up being the biggest predictors of how long someone was going to stay.

When we do feel a sense of psychological safety, we're happier on the team and we want to stay at the company longer. We're more loyal. Again, that translates everything good is correlated with that happiness, well-being. You have the short-term, like you're going to get more innovative ideas out of people. Also the long-term is that you're just going to have happier colleagues that you get to keep for longer.

I think, there's an illustration in the book where one of the worst things is when your best friend at work quits. If you want your best friend to stay, positively reinforce them when they take a small risk.

[0:33:37.0] MB: Great suggestions and I want to continue to implement these in my own life and work and try to create those environments as much as possible. One of the other ideas that I found really interesting in that same chapter was this notion of – I think there was a whole grid that outlined each of these, but the notion of task conflict in particular and the different ways that people can be in conflict, because it's not necessarily always over the same thing. Explain that idea to the listeners and tell me a little bit more about it.

[0:34:06.3] MWD: Yeah. Task conflict and relationship conflict. The grid that you're mentioning is one of Liz’s amazing illustrations. The different axes are I like you and I hate you and I like your idea and I hate your idea. Relationship conflict is I like our idea and I hate you. Task conflict is I like you and I hate your idea.

We'll talk about task conflict first. Task conflict is when we like each other, but we are clashing about something due to the content of the work. Liz and I have this a fair amount actually when we were writing this book, so we give the example of I like to very quickly write an initial draft and send it in to our editor to get immediate feedback. Whereas, Liz really likes to mull over sections and send the editor a more polished version.

There was just a lot of conflict of I would say, “Okay, let's send it in.” Liz would be like, “No, I need another week.” I would be sitting there stewing. Over time, we realized that this actually is really helpful that we have this difference, because Liz make sure that we don't send something out that's half-baked and we're going to regret and I make sure that we are not spending two weeks obsessing over syntax.

It's just really important to talk this over and figure out what is attention and how can we actually do well with it. Every team is going to have conflict, but you have to create the structures that make sure it stays productive. In the example we've given and Liz mentioned, Pixar they have this thing where they review all of their daily draft of the films and they're encouraged to make comments that are about the shot and not the animator. It's keeping it to about the task and not the relationship.

Another example that we give is writing your own user manual. If you have different working styles that are going to clash, one thing that you can do is write like a how to work with me guide. You can answer questions like, what are your quirks? What drives you nuts? What do you value that we work with? Then small things, like what time do you want to get to work? Do you take a lunch ride? All of those things.

Then share those with the people that you work with and really take the time to do this. I often say one of the biggest things I think that we don't make time for in the workplace is the time to talk about potential conflict and how we'll deal with that when it comes up. It can be awkward. It's just really important to set aside time to do that.

Then relationship conflict, so Liz and I think fully that not have as much of this, but relationship conflicts would be if Liz had said to me, “I think it's a really dumb idea to send this chapter in right now.” I would be personally offended by that, because she's saying that I as a person am dumb. Relationship complex is much harder if it gets to that, because it can really hijack a relationship.

the way to deal with this is sometimes by simply hearing each other out. There's two different types of people; there's seekers and avoiders. Seekers are going to want to engage in conflict and avoiders would really rather do anything than deal with confrontation. It's important to understand which you are and then just share that with each other and hear each other out about the style that you're going into a team with and how it's going to affect the work. Then I think in addition to trying to preserve psychological safety to remember that sometimes if you're having a conflict with a co-worker, the best thing might be to do nothing. If you keep getting into the same issue with them, just take a deep breath, walk away realizing that there's only so much you can do. You can't change another person, and so how can you detangle yourself from that situation?

[0:38:07.5] MB: I love that suggestion. It seems very counterintuitive, but I totally agree. Sometimes doing nothing is the best strategy.

[0:38:15.3] MWD: Absolutely.

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[0:40:28.2] MB: I want to dig into one of my favorite phrases from the book that I personally really like this, but I feel may rub some people the wrong way. The subtitle of one of the chapters is this idea that your feelings aren't facts. Tell me about that and why you decided to use that language and what does that mean?

[0:40:48.3] LF: Yeah. This is from our chapter on communication. The idea here is that we often react to one another based on these assumptions that we never bother to look at more carefully. This is so crucial. It's really important to explore your assumptions and create a space with someone else, where they can give you their perspective, because the words we say are not always what we mean. It's just so rife for miscommunication. Not to mention, I think we have a whole section in the chapter on communication about digital communication, because when you just have text and there's nonverbal gestures, you don't have the tone of someone’s voice, I think then it's just even harder to really understand what someone's words mean.

Just to give a quick example of what we really mean by your feelings aren't facts, I had a colleague. When he first started, I realized that any time I would ask him a question, he would start speaking extremely slowly and enunciate every word. I took that as this guy thinks that I'm a complete moron. I remember being so irritated every time that he would slowly answer one of my questions.

A few weeks later, we all were going out to dinner the team and he and I were getting along really well. I just brought it up in a very not aggressive way. I was just like, “Hey, do you realize that when I ask you a question, you start speaking really slowly?” He was like, “Yes. I am aware of that. It's just because I want to be really sure that I don't sound dumb in front of you.” That's so different than my perception. It's actually the complete opposite.

[0:42:29.2] MB: Wow. Yeah, that's crazy.

[0:42:31.0] LF: Yeah. I just been sitting there for weeks doing on this. When in fact, I should have just been like, I wasn't creating psychological say for him. I think it's just a wonderful example of what we say in the book is really to talk about your emotions without getting emotional. The formula, so for people who just want to have a sentence that they can say in a situation like that is a great one is when you do X, I feel Y.

What's wonderful about this is that it's simply about starting a conversation by saying that you are not creating a perpetrator and a victim, it's just saying, “Here's what's happening. Can we explore this together?” I think anytime that you're in conflict with someone, it's great – first of all, I would say first biggest thing which we talked about now in decision-making and we've talked about in conflict is just calm down. Some piece of advice that we have is don't just do something, stand there.

I think a consistent theme throughout the book is if you feel yourself having a very emotional response to something, it's totally fine and usually the best thing to just take a moment. Maybe take 15 minutes, go for a walk around the block, because once that spike has gone down a little, you'll also be able to just approach the problem and find a solution much faster. We say in the book if you have an issue with someone, the three steps to take are the first is just to label your feelings. You would say – in this case, I might say with this guy, “I'm frustrated.” Or maybe even like, “I'm hurt, because I think he thinks I'm not as smart as he is.”

The second is really understand where those feelings are coming from. Then the third is feel calm enough to have a conversation about your emotions again, without getting emotional. I think those three steps combined with a sentence of when you X, I feel Y are really crucial to starting a path of exploration with someone else, so that you can get the full picture of what's going on and make sure that you're not just sitting there having a strong emotional reaction based on something that's completely inaccurate.

[0:44:46.5] MB: There was another great illustration in the book that had – I don't remember if it’s in this chapter now, but had – it was waves of anger and it was when the event happens and then later on and then it was when you should talk about it and it was – that was when it was completely – the anger level is completely gone basically.

[0:45:04.7] LF: Yeah. Yeah. We are just very against – there's this cliché or traditional advice that says never go to bed angry. I think Mollie and I both are always like, “Go to bed angry. It's totally fine. You'll probably wake up, you'll probably have a clearer vision for what you want to say and you're probably also less likely in that moment to say something that you really deeply regret later.”

[0:45:28.0] MB: You touched on this, but I'd love to briefly dig into some best practices for digital communication and even something that's increasingly prevalent, remote working and how all this applies to that as well.

[0:45:43.3] MWD: For digital communication, you have a couple of suggestions. The first being that when you're first getting to know someone, you should always default to richer communication channels; ideally in-person. If not, if you’re remote, default to video is really important. The research shows that there's so many emotional cues that come from body language and facial expressions that we miss when we can't see the person. Starting with that.

I think the other reason that's really important is that when we're texting or e-mailing, especially with people we don't know well, or especially with people who are more senior than us like our bosses, that we are much more likely to interpret ambiguity as negative. If you get an e-mail that has no emotion in it that's like, “Can we chat in an hour?” From your boss, you are immediately going to assume that something bad is going to happen. If he you didn't say good or bad. I mean, it's just a check-in, but without a smiley face or it's no big deal, or if you saw her in person, a smile, you are going to assume that is negative and that's just something that we do as humans. That's the first thing.

The second thing is when you are writing e-mails of stocks, or texts, or whatever to do what we call as an emotional proofread of the message. there's a great example of the chief talent officer at [inaudible 0:47:12.2] Group, he does this thing where he asks his employees to raise their hand if they have ever successfully defused an emotional issue via e-mail. No one raises their hand. Then he says, “Have you ever inflamed an issue via e-mail?” Everyone put their hand up.

It's just we can so easily get ourselves into trouble. Four minutes in, reread to make sure your message is clear and you are conveying the intended tone. Some people even send an e-mail to themselves, so that they can see what it feels like to have that appear in their inbox and make sure that the emotion is clear.

Related to that, use emojis. You don't want to use a ton of emojis, especially if you don't know the other person well, because that can undermine your professionalism, but when you know them somewhat, emojis really can help express tone and send emotional cues. That's super important. Another thing is to realize that typos send a message. Really interesting study was done by this researcher Andrew Brodsky. He says that typos are emotional amplifiers. If you send an e-mail that is already a little bit critical or angry and there are typos in it that is going to amplify that message. The receiver is going to imagine that you were hammering out an e-mail in a blind rage. Be like, “This person is really angry.” The same thing if it's positive, but obviously that's not quite an issue. Just making sure that your typos aren't amplifying an emotion that you already are sending.

Then lastly, don't use e-mail when you need a yes. Research shows that an in-person request is more than 30 times as successful as an e-mailed one. For some reason when we get an e-mail request, we see it as non-urgent, or especially if you don't know the person who see it, then must like a little bit untrustworthy. If you do have to do e-mail negotiation, it does help to schmooze with the person beforehand, before you send the e-mail. Let me pause there. That was a lot for digital communication.

[0:49:27.7] MB: Yeah, that was great. One of my favorite stats from the whole book was that stat around you're 30 times more likely to get a yes if you use in-person as opposed to e-mail. I thought I was fascinating.

[0:49:39.0] MWD: Yeah, absolutely. Then you asked about remote workers, which is something that is increasingly common. Liz actually does a little bit more remote work than I do, so she can feel free to jump in here. I think one thing as I mentioned, super important, thinking about defaulting to video. This matters even more with remote.

Trello which is a project management software company, even if just one person is remote, everyone on that team gets on a video call. Super important, because the person who's remote is going to have a tendency to not feel included if they're calling into this whole conference room of people who are chatting, and so it's much easier if everyone gets on their computers and does the video together. Liz and I – happened to us. I'm in New York and our editor is in New York, but she lives at Berkeley and we had our first meeting with her, I was there in person and she was calling in. We had this disaster of a meeting where Liz couldn't get into the conference line and then halfway through somehow she cut out. She had been saying all this stuff, but we couldn't hear her, so we were just talking over her. She tried to call my cell, but I had no service. We just kept on chatting and she just felt terrible and let her jump in and say how she felt. We then decided to default to video after that.

[0:51:03.9] LF: Yeah, I think that's just a great example of just the importance of again like Mollie was saying, richer communication. If I had been on video during that, I think they would have seen me talking, or just getting really frustrated, or the screen would have gone blank and they would have been immediately known that something was wrong. I’ll make one other point about remote work, because as Mollie mentioned, I have worked remotely for a few years and I think the biggest thing is just realizing that it's as important to positively reinforce remote workers, to make them feel they're part of the organization as it is to do that for the people that you're in person with.

It is a little harder to do that for remote workers. I think it's so easy if you're never on a video conference with someone, if you're never asking them a little bit about their personal lives, it's really easy to just start to see them as this really – this name that keeps popping up in your inbox and just this robot coming out of nowhere that keeps e-mailing me. Just what some companies whose workers are all remote do is they have a Slack channel where people can just as they see fit, not everyone has to participate, but they can share pictures of their personal lives, give each other updates.

Some companies also have pair calls, which is remote workers can opt into this pair call program. Every two weeks, they're randomly assigned with another remote worker. Then on the calendar as part of work, you have an hour to talk about that person, or talk with that person, but you can't talk about work. It's a really lovely way of just getting to know someone, again seeing them face to face. Back to Mollie’s points about digital communication, once you have established a relationship with someone and you know a little bit more about them, you feel a connection, it's just going to smooth any communication after that so much.

If my mom e-mails me, I have a pretty good sense of what she means, just because I know her so well in person. Versus if someone I've never had a conversation outside of work with e-mails me. I'm much more likely to read into that something that I shouldn't be reading into it.

[0:53:11.1] MB: Great suggestions. That story was really insightful as well. For listeners who want to concretely implement some of the things we've talked about, I know we've gone over a lot of really concrete specific strategies on here, what would be one piece of homework that you would give to them as a starting point or an action item to begin to execute on some of these ideas?

[0:53:33.7] LF: I think a great one is to start by when you're feeling strongly, sitting down and writing down everything you're feeling. A lot of I think what helps you do that is just to expand your emotional vocabulary. In the book, we talked about this concept called emotional granularity, which is when you're able to very finely pinpoint what you're feeling. Instead of saying, “I feel bad,” you're able to say, “I feel frustrated, or I feel a lack of caffeine.”

Again, research shows that when we're able to accurately describe what we're feeling, it's much easier for us to regulate those feelings. Again, that's correlated with happiness, well-being. I think really taking the time to reflect, think about what you're feeling and then something that's so important and I think like an absolute next step is to identify the need behind those feelings.

An example, a few years ago I was leading a design project. A few days ahead of a deadline, I found myself just getting so irritated with everyone. I went for a walk around the block and I was able to say, “Okay, I'm very irritable.” then what I realized was driving that was just anxiety around meeting the deadline. The need behind both of those feelings was that I just needed to know that we were going to hit the deadline. That probably involved cutting some stuff out of the project, but I was able to go back to the team and say, “What's everyone working on? What are the non-essential things we can cut, so that we make sure that the thing we really need to deliver we’re able to deliver it on time and in with high-quality bar?” Once we'd had that conversation and I felt assured, I was no longer irritable.

I think it's so important for people, identify what you're feeling, identify where that feeling is coming from and that allows you then to address the need. I think it's also great in organizations, a lot of people work in companies where you probably can't just walk into the office and be like, “I have all these feelings and I want to talk about them with everyone.” If you're able to identify the need behind your feelings, it also allows you to discuss your emotions at the workplace without necessarily having to say like, “I'm feeling these emotions.”

Again, when I was able to say, “I would just like to know that we're all on the same page, that we're going to be able to hit this deadline,” I was talking about my feelings, but it was still presented in a way that fit the emotional norms of that organization.

[0:55:58.8] MB: That's such a powerful idea, that finding the need behind the emotions. I really love that suggestion.

[0:56:05.9] LF: Yeah. I think there's a lot of dealing with emotion, but sometimes the best way especially when it comes to stress, to deal with stress is just to figure out what's stressing me out and if I can do something about it, I should just do that. Then it's remarkable how quickly that alleviate stress.

[0:56:20.2] MB: For listeners who want to find both of you and your work online, what are the best places for them to do that?

[0:56:26.4] MWD: We have a website, it is lizandmollie.com. On that, we have actually a whole tab of resources. We have some practical guides, we have e-cards which have Liz's amazing illustrations and we have some great assessments. That was going to be my recommendation is to take – we have an assessment called how do you express your emotion? You can go on and see if you are an under-emoter, even-emoter or over-emoter. I think that's really helpful. I'm an under-emoter, which means that I don't always share all of my emotions. I have been challenging myself in the last couple of months to get a little bit more vulnerable, especially as a leader of a team sharing more of my emotions. We give tips for all of those in the assessments.

You can also follow us on Instagram. We’re @LizAndMollie there. Liz is posting amazing illustrations, super fun. Also on Twitter @LizAndMollie there.

[0:57:25.6] MB: Well Liz, Mollie. Thank you so much for coming on the show for sharing all this knowledge, some incredible insights, some great practical, tactical strategies. It's been a pleasure to have both of you on here.

[0:57:37.2] LF: Yeah, thank you so much. This was a great conversation. Thanks for having us.

[0:57:40.9] MWD: Yes. Thank you so much, Matt. Really great.

[0:57:43.5] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners, master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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April 11, 2019 /Lace Gilger
Emotional Intelligence
Dr. Mark Epstein-01.png

Reveal How You Can Banish Stress & Anxiety With Science & Ancient Wisdom with Dr. Mark Epstein

April 04, 2019 by Lace Gilger in Emotional Intelligence, Health & Wellness

In this episode we share how to “get over yourself” and stop taking things so seriously, we discuss the important relationship between confusion and clarity, and we explore the art of letting go of the need for safety, security and control in your everyday life so that you can relax into who you’ve always been with our guest Dr. Mark Epstein. 

Dr. Mark Epstein is a psychiatrist in private practice in New York City and the author of a number of books about the interface of Buddhism and psychotherapy, including his most recent books The Trauma of Everyday Life and Advice Not Given: A Guide to Getting Over Yourself. He is currently Clinical Assistant Professor in the Postdoctoral Program in Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis at New York University and his work has been featured in Psychology Today, The New York TImes, and more!

  • How do we move from addiction/anxiety/depression/worry to love/relief/understanding?

  • Being in a place of addiction, anxiety, and worry is the day to day experience for most people 

  • What’s the prescription for solving anxiety and worry?

  • The prescriptions from the ancient texts of Buddhism are still highly relevant in solving many of today’s problems with the human condition 

  • “Training your mind” 

  • Realizing that the mind is trainable is the beginning of your journey towards relief and understanding 

  • You are not just a victim of your thoughts 

  • The untrained mind is a wild thing - one of the challenges of adulthood is to get a handle on your own mind

  • Get a handle on your own addictions, cravings, and tendencies towards violence 

  • Inner peace is not just about calming or centering yourself

  • How do we start to be honest with ourselves and confront our own mental addictions and negative thoughts?

  • Anything that promotes self reflection is the way to begin confronting your thoughts

  • You don’t have to overcome your fears - you just have to be willing to examine them 

  • The hardest thing is often just being willing to take the first step 

  • You can’t force someone into meditation - someone has to reach a critical point of personal suffering and to make their own decision

  • How his father’s battle with brain cancer transformed Dr. Epstein’s relationship with helping others

  • How do you handle your own mind when facing death or dying?

  • How do you look for the “feeling of being yourself”

  • What does it mean to “relax into who you’ve always been?"

  • “The craft of meditation” - the practice and technique of what to do and how to meditate - is only one part of the puzzle 

  • The “art of meditation” - beyond just the physical technique - is a rich field of exploration 

  • Ancient buddhist texts offer some deep insights into modern psychotherapy - but the language of ancient buddhism is couched in the understand of thousands of years ago and needs some interpretation

  • Why people “expect too much from meditation” and what that means 

  • Meditation is a much more subtle than people think

  • Meditation is ultimately something that you have to teach yourself

  • In the west especially - we want the science to “do it for us” - but we have to do it ourselves 

  • There’s an important relationship between confusion and clarity 

  • The clarity that one seeks only comes from sitting and staring at your confusion 

  • The fundamental power of meditation and mindfulness comes from really staring and facing the difficult 

  • Swim in the sea of confusion and learn to float with it 

  • Creating a "therapeutic split in the ego"

  • It’s possible to be both the observer and that which is being observed in your own stream of consciousness 

  • What is the Ego?

  • “The ego doesn’t really exist” - the ego has to meditate between inner impulses and outer requirements 

  • The ego cognitively develops around the age of 3 or 4 when the child first realizes that he or she is a separate person and has to think about their own actions

  • The ego - as we think about it in western society is all about self preservation and self control - it’s looking for safety, security, and control 

  • How do you “get over yourself” and stop taking yourself so seriously

  • You are not an isolated entity in isolation and competition with the rest of humanity. You are an integral part of the world as a whole.

  • We can’t jump right into enlightenment - its about the JOURNEY and the everyday work, practice, and moments of honest reckoning with ourselves  

  • How to create humility and graciousness in your life 

  • Homework: Read a book, or go to an art museum. Go outside, close the door, stand there and listen. Trust yourself. 

  • People can find their own way, there are so many paths out there. 

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Want To Dig In More?! - Here’s The Show Notes, Links, & Research

General

  • Mark’s Website

  • Mark’s Facebook

  • Mark’s Wiki Page

Media

  • Article directory for Big Think

  • [Article] New York Times - “When a Therapist Puts Buddhism Into Practice” by John Williams

  • [Article] Psychology Today - “Buddhism and Psychotherapy: An interview with Dr. Mark Epstein” by Jonathan Kaplan

  • [Article] Heal Your Life - “What Is Real Mindfulness?” by Dr. Mark Epstein

  • [Podcast] Big Think - Mark Epstein, MD – I, Me, Mine – Think Again - a Big Think Podcast #130

  • [Podcast] 10% Happier with Dan Harris - #22: Dr. Mark Epstein

  • [Podcast] ShrinkRapRadio - #252 – A Buddhist Perspective on Psychotherapy with Mark Epstein, MD

  • [Podcast] Lifehacker - How to Get Over Yourself, With Buddhist Psychiatrist Mark Epstein

  • [Podcast] Metta Hour - Ep. 56: Real Love Series with Dr. Mark Epstein

Videos

  • Family Action Network - Mark Epstein, MD - "Advice Not Given: A Guide to Getting Over Yourself" (01/22/18)

  • WGBH Forum - Mark Epstein: The Trauma of Everyday Life

  • Rubin Museum - Psychic Medium Laura Lynne Jackson + Dr. Mark Epstein

  • Tibet House US - What is Special About Buddhism? Buddhism Explained : Mark Epstein M.D.

    • Can You Observe Your Own Mind? Questioning Distracting Thoughts : Mark Epstein M.D.

  • Humanistic Psychology Lecture Series - The Interface of Psychology and Buddhism

  • PBS - The Buddha | Interview with David Grubin, Mark Epstein, M.D., & Metteyya Sakyaputta

Books

  • [Amazon Author Page] Mark Epstein

  • [Book] Advice Not Given: A Guide to Getting Over Yourself  By Mark Epstein

  • [Book] Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart: A Buddhist Perspective on Wholeness  By Mark Epstein

  • [Book] The Trauma of Everyday Life  by Mark Epstein

  • [Book] Thoughts Without A Thinker: Psychotherapy from a Buddhist Perspective  by Mark Epstein

  • [Book] Open to Desire: The Truth About What the Buddha Taught  by Mark Epstein

  • [Book] Going on Being: Life at the Crossroads of Buddhism and Psychotherapy  by Mark Epstein

  • [Book] Psychotherapy without the Self: A Buddhist Perspective  by Mark Epstein

  • [Book] Open to Desire: Embracing a Lust for Life Insights from Buddhism and Psychotherapy  by Mark Epstein

  • [Book] Fast Track to A 5 Preparing for the AP United States History Examination by Mark Epstein

Misc

  • [Wiki Article] Alan Watts

  • [Website] Alan Watts

  • [SoS Episode] Embracing Discomfort

  • [SoS Episode] Your Secret Weapon to Becoming Fearless with Jia Jiang

  • [SoS Episode] How To Demolish What’s Holding You Back & Leave Your Comfort Zone with Andy Molinsky

  • [SoS Episode] The Skeptics Guide To Meditation With Dan Harris

  • [SoS Episode] Unleash The Power of Meditation

  • [SoS Episode] The Simple 20 Minute Exercise That Rewires Your Brain For Happiness with Dr. Dan Siegel

Episode Transcript

[00:00:04.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[0:00:11.8] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success; the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than three million downloads and listeners in over a hundred countries.

In this episode, we share how to get over yourself and stop taking things so seriously. We discuss the important relationship between confusion and clarity and we explore the art of letting go of the need for safety, security and control in your everyday life, so that you can relax into who you’ve always been with our guest, Dr. Mark Epstein.

I’m going to tell you why you’ve been missing out on some incredibly cool stuff if you haven’t signed up for our e-mail list yet. All you have to do to sign up is to go to successpodcast.com and sign up right on the home page.

On top of tons subscriber-only content, exclusive access and live Q&As with previous guests, monthly giveaways and much more, I also created an epic free video course just for you. It's called How to Create Time for What Matters Most Even When You're Really Busy. E-mail subscribers have been raving about this guide.

You can get all of that and much more by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the home page, or by texting the word smarter to the number 44-222 on your phone. If you like what I do on Science of Success, my e-mail list is the number one way to engage with me and go deeper on what I discuss on the show, including free guides, actionable takeaways, exclusive content and much, much more.

Sign up for my e-mail list today by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the home page, or if you're on the go, if you're on your phone right now, it's even easier. Just text the word “smarter”, that's S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44-222. I can't wait to show you all the exciting things you'll get when you sign up and join the e-mail list.

In our previous episode, we discussed how to boost your energy, focus and happiness in five minutes or less using a dead-simple strategy that anyone can apply right away. We explored the power of self-knowledge and why it's one of the cornerstones of success in any area of life. We uncovered several powerfully uncomfortable questions that you can ask yourself to be happier, healthier and more productive with our previous guest, Gretchen Rubin. If you want to find a near-instant hack for getting focus and energy, listen to our previous episode.

Now for our interview with Mark.

[0:03:03.0] MB: Today, we have another exciting guest on the show, Dr. Mark Epstein. Mark is a psychiatrist in private practice in New York City and the author of a number of books about the interface of Buddhism and psychotherapy, including his most recent books The Trauma of Everyday Life and Advice Not Given: A Guide to Getting Over Yourself.

He is currently a clinical assistant professor in the post-doctoral program in psychotherapy and psychoanalysis at NYU and his works have been featured in Psychology Today, the New York Times and much more. Mark, welcome to the Science of Success.

[0:03:35.7] ME: Hey, thank you Matt. I'm glad to be here.

[0:03:37.9] MB: Well, we're very excited to have you on the show today. To start out, I'd love to come in at a high-level and look at this fundamental theme that you've written and spoken about, how do we think about and this is going to unpack a lot of things, I know this is a big question, but how did we think about moving from this state that we’re in so frequently today of addiction, anxiety, stress, etc., to a place of as you call love, relief and understanding?

[0:04:07.2] ME: Well, I don't think we are just in that place today. Although, this is a heightened moment where everyone is very conscious of their anxiety and addiction and depression and worry. I think that's actually a place that people have been in for generations, millennia, going all the way back to the time of the Buddha and before. That was something that initially attracted me to the psychology of Buddhism when I was just a student in college before I really knew very much about anything.

I read the Buddha's words in an early religion class I was taking, where he was talking about the day-to-day mind of an average person as flapping like a fish on dry ground, trembling all the time. I immediately related and wanted to know what the prescription was in ancient times for that anxiety. I found that that prescription was still relevant for me 40, 50 years ago and now for many of my patients, that the world that we're in is always a difficult place. It's always changing. Our egos want certainty.

That's rare that we can find it. We tend to fasten on to our pleasures and try to make them last longer than they can and then box ourselves in to a feeling of deprivation, or inadequacy. The Buddhist prescription for training one's own mind is something that I took to heart and have tried to use to the best of my ability in my personal life and in my profession as a therapist.

[0:05:57.0] MB: Is training your mind one of the cornerstone pieces of beginning that journey from a place of anxiety and worry, to a place of relief and understanding?

[0:06:07.5] ME: Well, I think realizing that the mind is trainable is the beginning, even before you actually try to do it. For me, at least it was a revelation that I wasn't just a victim of my thoughts, but that it was possible actually to exert some control over the way I related to my experience, the way I related to the world and the way I related also to the stories that I was telling myself about myself.

[0:06:36.2] MB: Tell me more about this idea that the mind is trainable.

[0:06:39.6] ME: Well, that's the basic idea of all the eastern approaches to yoga and meditation. Yoga really means yoking; the way you would yoke an animal. The idea is that the untrained mind is a wild thing. One of the challenges of development of adulthood, of maturity is to get a handle on one's own mind, which means getting a handle on one's own addictions, on one's own cravings and also on one's own tendency toward violence.

The Dalai Lama always talks about inner peace. When I first heard him talking about inner peace, I thought he was talking about the relaxation response, or just calming oneself. I've come to realize that the inner peace actually means non-violence. The way to find that peace of mind is to actually be willing to confront one's own tendency toward violence, or hostility, aggression, anger, rage, etc. It means being honest with oneself and in that honesty, one can learn how to bring oneself under some modicum of control.

[0:07:53.7] MB: How do we start to be honest with ourselves and to confront our own thoughts, our own addictions, our own mental cravings?

[0:08:01.7] ME: Well, there are any number of ways. I mean, in the west we have the tradition of psychotherapy, which hasn't yet gone completely away. As far as addiction goes, the 12-step approach to admitting that one is helpless over one's own cravings is very close to what the eastern approach to meditation is. Now even in our world, we have all the eastern techniques of yoga and meditation. All of those and we could include Christian, Jewish prayer, etc., or atheistic walks in the countryside, anything that promotes self-reflection is really the way in.

Then once you are able to honestly be with the contents of one's own emotional experience, then that's the beginning. That's the beginning of taking stock of where one is at. Once one's willing to do that, then you can start to apply some of the techniques.

[0:09:09.7] MB: It's funny, this idea of self-reflection, self-awareness is such a prominent theme across people we interview from a huge array of backgrounds and disciplines.

[0:09:21.3] ME: Oh, well it's definitely the happening thing.

[0:09:23.8] MB: How do you begin to for someone who's not familiar with this who hasn't started on this journey yet, or even for someone who's just beginning their journey, how do we start to create that self-reflection in our lives? How do we overcome the inertia around, or the fear around really looking and peering at our own thinking?

[0:09:42.1] ME: Well, I don't think you have to overcome the fear. You just have to be willing to examine it, and the same with inertia. I mean, many people are interested in meditation for instance, or even in psychotherapy. The hardest thing is just taking that first step, being willing to sit down on the meditation cushion, being willing to make the appointment and come in and talk to a therapist honestly. To think that you have to wait until you have no fear, or until there's no tendency towards inertia is I think a misplaced idea. The whole idea is to be able to look at all the obstacles, all the defenses and to turn those into a grist for the meditation mill, or the therapy mill for that matter.

[0:10:33.0] MB: I think that's a really important point, this idea that we often make it too difficult for ourselves, or think that it has to be perfect before we take the first step and begin practicing, but the reality is the sooner you get started, the sooner you take that first step as you said, the better it is. You have to begin that journey somewhere.

[0:10:51.7] ME: I think you have to be ready. If you try to force somebody into therapy, or try to force somebody to meditate, that doesn't work. The defense is just we are up and there they're too strong. I think people know when they reach a critical point of personal suffering. That's different for different people comes at different times. If it’s happening to you, you know it. Then it's really worth taking the step, because there is help available and many qualified, really motivated people who are wanting to help.

[0:11:27.6] MB: You touched on that and in many ways and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that shaped the story or the narrative around Advice Not Given is this idea that how did you handle that balance of trying to help people understand this with the fact that maybe it wasn't something that they had asked for originally?

[0:11:43.2] ME: Well, that latest book that you're referring to Advice Not Given, one of the things that happened that led to me writing that book was that my father who was a fairly well-known academic physician, a scientist and he was actually chairman of the Department of Medicine at one of the Harvard hospitals, he came down with a inoperable brain tumor; that was in the silent part of his brain. Cognitively, he was fine and he was still working, but he got lost one day driving home the same 15-minute drive that he'd taken for 30 years and they realized there was this thing growing in the non-dominant side of his brain.

By the time they discovered it, it was too late to do anything from the medical side. He knew that he didn't have that long to live and I knew that too. My father while very supportive of my writing and so on was definitely not interested in any of the Buddhist side of things, or the meditation. It was not scientific enough for him. We hardly ever talked about it. He would ask about my books, or about my practice, but we never got into the substance of it.

When the diagnosis was clear, I was sitting in my own office and I realized I've never talked to my father about any of this. In the Buddhist world, there's actually a lot of advice about how to handle one's own mind when facing death and in fact, what to do with one's mind when actually dying. I realized, I have all this advice I haven't been giving even to my own father.

I with some trepidation called him on the telephone from my office and said something to him like, I don't know if you want to know about any of this, but there actually is all this information that may or may not be true, but it's supposed to be helpful. He was very nice. He’s like, “Oh, sure. Go ahead. Tell me whatever you want.” I said something to him about how there's a feeling a subjective feeling inside that really doesn't change very much from when you're 20-years-old, or 40, or 60, or even 80, he was 84, where inside you feel much the same to yourself as you always have.

If you try to find that feeling, to really look for it, it disappears on you. It's a transparent feeling. I said what the Buddhists seem to say is that if you learn to relax your mind into that transparent feeling, you can ride that feeling out as the body falls apart and that feeling of relaxing into who you've always been is something analogous to what you learn in meditation. He was like, “Okay darling, I'll try.” That was the last conversation that I had with him. I felt he really heard me and at least, I was able to get that much out.

That actually was one of the big motivations for the book, or for the title of the book, because I realized that even with my psychotherapy patients, I was always very careful not to try to lay a Buddhist trip on them if they weren't ready to hear the spiritual language that I wanted to function, the way western therapists function, which is to try to stay out of the way as much as possible in order to let people's real reasons for coming to therapy rise to the surface. Then try to help them as much as I could. I wasn't overtly giving meditation instruction or anything. Then I thought, “Oh, well. Maybe it's time after 40 years of doing this, to be a little more explicit the way I was with my dad for people.” I tried to put a lot of that into the book.

[0:15:45.7] MB: I want to get into more concretely the relationship between Buddhism and your psychotherapy practice. Before we do, tell me about – explain and go a little bit deeper into this idea of relaxing into who you've always been. I find that to be really fascinating.

[0:16:01.1] ME: Well, there are different ways to talk about what we do in meditation. The most common way that I've found is from the outside in, where the technique, or the strategy, or what I sometimes call the craft of meditation is handed down almost in a behavioral way, or in a cognitive therapy way, like focus your mind on the sensation of the breath as it enters and leaves the nostrils. When your mind wanders from the direct physical sensation of the breath and you notice that your mind has wandered, bring it back the way you might teach a young child to gently, but firmly direct the attention back to the sensation of the breath.

If thoughts come, note that the mind is thinking but try not to get caught in the content of the thoughts. Try to watch the thought as it rises and falls, as it appears and then disappears; the same with feelings, with emotions, with memories, with sounds and disturbances from the outside. Those are the formal instructions, the technique that one learns if one goes to a meditation class, or a meditation teacher.

I've been increasingly interested in trying to talk about more the art of meditation, rather than the craft what we're really doing when we meditate. That's where I think my own personal experience both as a meditator and as a therapist and as a person in therapy has come into play, because whenever you're sitting alone with your own thoughts and feelings you're actually processing a lot of what we and our culture have come to think about as our personality, going all the way back to who we were when we were a child.

There's a lot of psychological, a lot of emotional material that the ancient Buddhist texts didn't really have the language for. There was no Freud in the time of the Buddha. People didn't pay attention to their childhoods, or to their dreams, or to their relationships in the same way that we do now. All of that material; early traumas, early difficulties in our family life, in school, in our love relationships, all of that stuff is actually filtering through our minds also as we try to meditate. We need to have a way of relating to all of that material too.

I'm thinking of that approach more as the art of meditation. That's what I was also trying to convey to my father, that about behind all of that is this subjective feeling of who we are, who we used to be, who we might be, who we don't quite understand, what we don't quite understand, more the mystery of what it is to be a person with a mind and a body. We tap into that in meditation, as well as all of the psychological stuff that I was mentioning before.

[0:19:16.7] MB: You once said that people expect too much of meditation. What did you mean by that?

[0:19:20.8] ME: Well, a lot of people these days come to meditation hoping for something similar to what they might expect from Prozac, if they're anxious or depressed, that it's going to be the pill, the thing that is going to make them happy. I think that it doesn't really work like that. To hope for too much from meditation is to just get disappointed. It's a much more subtle intervention, even than Prozac. Prozac doesn't always work either.

[0:19:52.7] MB: Tell me more about the art side of meditation. I understand and we've done a number of episodes in the past in the show about this craft and the physical technique and practice of it, but I want to understand more deeply this side around the art of it as you called it.

[0:20:08.3] ME: Well, I think meditation ultimately is something that you have to teach yourself. The Buddha at the time of his death, his last words to his faithful student and attendant Anand were, “Be an island to yourself. Take refuge in yourself.” You can learn the technique, you can learn the craft of meditation, but a lot of us – I don't know if this is only in the west, or if this is more long-standing, but a lot of us want the experts to in some sense do it for us. We want the scientist to lay out what neural pathways meditation is working on and what neurotransmitters are being stimulated by the practice.

It's easier to focus on that than it is to really wrestle with the depth of one's own confusion. That's where the art of meditation law is being willing to be honest in an ongoing way with what one's deepest inner struggles actually are. To find that place of balance inside of oneself, where one can sit as if under a giant tree with all the successes and failures and praise and criticism and pleasure and pain that life throws at us. That's really the art of meditation, being willing to be with all of that with some equanimity.

[0:21:49.0] MB: I think you make another really good point, which is this idea that we have to put in the work and sit in our own confusion and really work through these things, that it's not a quick fix like taking a pill, but it's still something that's really richly rewarding at the end of the day.

[0:22:03.8] ME: Well, there's some important relationship between confusion and clarity, just as there is between anger and love. I think what we've learned from therapy is that it's so much harder to love if you haven't faced the anger that you're actually harboring, even for the person who you need the most. I think it's similar with confusion and clarity that the clarity that one seeks from meditation really emerges out of being willing to sit in the midst of one's own confusion. It's only by staring it in the face, the Zen meditators stare at the wall, they sit and stare at the wall for however long they can stand it. I think that's some metaphor for sitting and staring at your own confusion.

The very word that the Buddha used when he gave his first psychological teachings of the Four Noble Truths, he said, “The first noble truth is the truth of dukkha,” which is generally translated as suffering. The actual word dukkha, kha means face and du is something like it's difficult. The word actually means it's difficult to face. There's something in our experience, something that permeates life that's difficult to face, the same way the wall is difficult to face where does in meditators.

What is that that's difficult to face? It's ourselves, it's the way we fight with experience, it's our own anxiety, our fears, our confusion, our inertia as you mentioned before. There's an awful lot in any given individual’s experience that's difficult to face. The Buddha was saying meditation is a way of actually doing this. If you face what's difficult to face, you start to find that it becomes more workable. It's not an immediate transition to happiness, but it becomes more workable. It's a therapy in its own right. The mind itself becomes more workable. It becomes less rigid, more pliant, more open, more accepting. I think eventually more able to love.

[0:24:18.5] MB: This theme of this ideas as you call it facing the difficult, we've had a number of previous episodes where we talk about the idea of embracing discomfort. Whether you're talking to literally in the case of some of the people we've interview in the past in the show, astronauts to perform, and psychologists at the highest possible level, to neuroscientists, this idea of embracing discomfort is another theme that's really recurrent across a huge number of fields. Again, I feel today so many people shy away from discomfort, or move away from it, or flinch and try to run the other way when they encounter things that are uncomfortable.

[0:24:53.8] ME: Well, that's very natural. Of course, you turn away from whatever is uncomfortable. I think to phrase it to strongly as embracing discomfort is maybe to overdo it in that way that we were talking before about forcing meditation on people might be counterproductive, or going too far towards the discomfort as if it's a good thing.

What the Buddha I think is saying and what a lot of our best psychotherapists are pointing to also is that there isn't just an element of discomfort that is inevitable. If we don't make room for it, I don't know that we have to embrace it, we certainly don't have to like it. If we can't make room for it, then we start erecting these defenses against it that back us into a corner and tend to rigidify our own minds and our own experience such that we become slightly paranoid and afraid, because there's always more discomfort to come. The Buddha is suggesting there's a way of swimming in the sea of it, not necessarily enjoying it all the time, but at least learning how to float.

[0:26:17.1] MB: Earlier, you mentioned love. Tell me a little bit about how you think about love and then how it might be different from the western traditional conception of it.

[0:26:25.7] ME: Well, I try not to think about love too much. Allowing love to emerge when it does, not to be scared of love and to realize that that's really what we're here for. It's available everywhere, so even in family life. Then the psychotherapy office and that were – and people you only know a little bit, we're all wired for it. Not closing ourselves off to it when it wants to reveal itself.

[0:27:00.4] MB: I'm guessing you listen to this podcast, because you want to improve yourself in some way. That's why I'm so excited to have our amazing sponsor, Skillshare, back to sponsor us once again. Skillshare is an online learning community for creators with more than 25,000 classes in design, business and more.

Skillshare is an amazing resource to discover countless ways to fuel your curiosity, creativity and career. Whether you're looking to discover a new passion, start a side hustle, or gain new professional skills, Skillshare is there to keep you learning, thriving and reaching your goals. They have some amazing courses on starting a business and being an entrepreneur as well, whether it's wanting to make a living as an artist, trying to figure out how to price your own freelance work, or starting up a side hustle. They have a huge array of classes that are directly applicable to anyone who wants to start a business right now.

Join the millions of students already learning on Skillshare today with a special offer just for Science of Success listeners. You can get two months of Skillshare completely for free. That's right, Skillshare is offering Science of Success listeners two months of unlimited access to over 25,000 classes for free. All you have to do to sign up is go to skillshare.com/success. Again, go to skillshare.com/success to start your two months right now.

Skillshare is awesome. I highly recommend going to sign up, check it out. There's definitely a course or probably a number of really high-quality courses and classes on exactly what you want to master in your life today. One more time, go to skillshare.com/success and sign up now.

[0:28:56.0] MB: I want to zoom out and come back to something we touched on earlier, as a psychotherapist how did you begin to integrate, or think about Buddhism as a tool, or as a resource?

[0:29:08.4] ME: Well, I actually came to the Buddhism first. I was in an unusual position in our culture. I think I mentioned before, I found Buddhism when I was still in college, before I had taken any courses in psychology, before I read Freud, before I knew I was going to go to medical school to become a therapist. Buddhism somehow found me. I began to meditate. I met now very well-known meditation teachers like Jack Kornfield and Joseph Goldstein and the Dalai Lama. I met them all when I was young and practiced as much meditation as I could, given the confines of still being at college and so on.

It was only after immersing myself as much as I was able in that world that I decided to really studied to become a therapist and psychiatrist to go to medical school, to become a physician and so on. A lot of my training in western psychotherapy I did after learning about Buddhism. I took it in through a Buddhist lens. I was always interested in the beginning in how do these two worlds line up. Are they saying the same thing, or different things?

The Buddhist way of working with the mind didn't seem that different from the western psychoanalytic way of working with the mind. Both involved setting up what the therapist called a therapeutic split in the ego, where you were both the subject and the object of your own experience. You were observing yourselves in this reflective way that we were talking about before. Meditation was much the same.

The best way of learning how to be a therapist is of course to be in therapy. There's a lot of training in how to be a therapist, but that's similar to the training and meditations. You can get the basic instruction from the outside, but you have to figure out how to do it from the inside. I learned how to be a therapist by being a therapist. I learned how to integrate meditation in Buddhism with my therapy by trying to integrate it with my therapy, in working with my patients over many years. I would say I'm still at the beginning of being able to do that, or being able to talk about how I do that. It's been an ongoing effort.

[0:31:37.9] MB: Tell me more about this idea of creating a therapeutic split in the ego.

[0:31:41.5] ME: Well, that's the basis for most of the psychological development that Buddhism and psychoanalysis is both striving for, that we were talking about at the beginning. That it's actually possible and it's a very strange thing. It's actually possible to simultaneously be both the observer and that which is being observed in one's own stream of consciousness. That's a capacity that somehow we as humans have evolved. There's some evidence that some of the other higher primates and other mammals also have that self-reflective capacity, elephant said octopuses. I'm not sure, it's probably some of the baboons and so on seem to also have bits of that ability, but we really have it.

In the Buddhist way of thinking, the human realm that we're all part of is the optimal place for psychological development, because we can either completely surrender to our thoughts, cravings, addictions, feelings and so on, or we can become the observer of them. In becoming the observer of them, we change how we relate to any of them, so that we don't have to be the helpless victim anymore. We can actually interpose space between the impulse and the action. That's a lot of what kids cultivated in both traditions, eastern ways.

[0:33:24.3] MB: What is the ego?

[0:33:26.6] ME: Aha. Well, that's a very good question. The ego doesn't really exist. The ego is a word that we now put on the aspect of our experience that has to mediate between inner impulses and outer requirements of family, school, friends, the world as we experience it from the outside. The ego is something that cognitively develops at around the age of three, or four when the child first realizes that he or she is a separate person and has to be careful about how he, or she acts.

The ego as we think about it in western psychology is that which is all about self-preservation and self-control. The ego is always looking for some safety, some control, some security. If we didn't have the ego, we would be at the mercy of our most primitive impulses the way – I don't know if you've ever been around someone with schizophrenia, but in schizophrenia something happens to the ego and the person is no longer able to regulate themselves. They're no longer able to mediate their most primitive thoughts, which just come pouring out of their mouths in a disjointed fashion.

The ego is a very important aspect of psychological development. From a Buddhist point of view, it tends to be over-developed and boxes us into that corner I was talking about before, where in the attempt to find security and safety and to exert control, it has to make us more rigid than we need to be, because we live in a world where even though we found amazing ability to achieve some security, it's impossible in a complete way.

[0:35:54.0] MB: One of the most interesting things, I really found the subtitle of Advice Not Given to be a little bit provocative even, which is A Guide to Getting Over Yourself. Tell me a little bit about that and how that relates to the ego.

[0:36:07.1] ME: Well, the subtitle came to me later. The book was going to have a different subtitle, which I can't even remember anymore. Suddenly, I realized Advice Not Given, I had the book structured around the Buddha's Eightfold Path, which is his fourth noble truth, which was the Buddhist prescription for how to deal with suffering or trauma. The prescription goes from right thought, right understanding, right speech, right action, right livelihood, to right concentration and right mindfulness.

The central idea in Buddhist psychology is that we all take ourselves too seriously. That in our attempts to optimize our own personal experience, we end up competing against the other billion or so people in the world and we are inevitably going to come out on the short end of the stick. In order to live a better life, we have to come to the understanding that we are not an isolated entity the way we think of ourselves in competition with, or in opposition to the rest of humanity. We are in fact an integral part of the world as a whole. We can't take ourselves out of it the way we imagine we ought to be able to.

That's the thought behind getting over oneself. It's getting over the way we tend to privilege our own position within the recesses of our own minds. In so doing, we experience ourselves as a relational being, not as an isolated entity. That's what it means to get over yourself in my limited view.

[0:37:53.1] MB: It's such an interesting idea and something that I think about a lot, this idea that we can't possibly be separated from everything else. I think originally came to that from reading Alan Watts, was one of my favorite old school thinkers bridging that gap between Buddhist thinking and Eastern thinking and Western thinking.

[0:38:10.8] ME: Yeah. Well, Alan Watts is one of the first great talkers who – translators, who could make all of this really come alive. Most of us do really think of ourselves as separate from the rest of the world and secretly in the privacy of our own minds, we're scheming about how to keep ourselves safe, or garner enough to secure our retirement. That's our most personal thinking.

[0:38:41.1] MB: The interesting thing about this idea of being one with everything is that from a hard science standpoint, if you look at the physics of it, if you look at the biology of it, it’s something that truly scientifically speaking, we really are inseparable from the rest of reality.

[0:38:57.5] ME: Well, the scientists are probing reality non-stop. What they find is that they can't even separate themselves as the prober from the reality that they're probing. That's the great mystery of relativity. The Buddhists were there in a certain way long ago. This idea even of the therapeutic split in the ego that I was trying to tell my father about, even if you relax your mind into that subjective sense of who you always were, you can't totally pull yourselves out of that greater reality that you are part of.

[0:39:36.8] MB: What are some of the other themes, or commonalities that you've uncovered between Buddhism and psychotherapy?

[0:39:46.0] ME: Well, that idea of non-violence that I was talking about earlier is the one I'm thinking about the most now, because I think the western psychoanalytic traditions especially, were the most fearless at confronting the underlying violence that conditions all of our minds. That when you even look at the psychology of very young children, infants with their mothers and so on, you can see that it's a tendency that we all come in with.

In the eastern traditions and in a lot of those in our culture who are drawn to the eastern traditions, there can be a tendency to try to leapfrog over some of the more raw and primitive instinctual, all kinds of impulses that are driving us, as if we could just jump right into the enlightened states that we read about. I don't really think that's possible. That's the spiritual bypassing, that some of the first generations of people to look at the eastern psychology have been prone towards.

I've been much more interested in what happens if we again take that just very honest reckoning with ourselves and allow ourselves to be humbled by what we see; that seems to yield a humility and graciousness that seems to be good for people.

[0:41:27.0] MB: That's a great turn of phrase; we can't jump right into enlightenment. I think it's a really succinct way of describing the importance of this journey, in this everyday practice of moments of honest reckoning with ourselves.

[0:41:39.1] ME: Yes. Well, it's hard to really know what enlightenment means, since most of us myself included, haven't experienced it. People should be aware of the gurus who are presenting themselves as already there, because it's pretty likely that most of them aren't.

[0:41:59.9] MB: For listeners who want to concretely implement some of the ideas that we've talked about today, what would be one piece of homework or an action item that you would give them to begin on their own personal journey?

[0:42:11.7] ME: Oh, I would just say read a book, or go to an art museum. I was teaching once in Oklahoma and this therapist came up to me afterwards and said, “In Oklahoma, we can't even talk about meditation or mindfulness.” When I'm working with a new person I just tell them, “Go outside. Close the door. Stand there and listen.” I think to be too prescriptive for people is to make the wrong move. That's where that Advice Not Given, that's the other sentiment that was going into the title.

People can find their own way. There are so many paths out there and it's so much better when you find your own way, than when you're just swallowing somebody else's pill that they're giving you. Trust yourself.

[0:43:05.0] MB: For listeners who want to find you and your work online, what's the best place for them to do that?

[0:43:10.7] ME: I have a website that lists all my books and has a couple of links to this or that article or interview. They can go there. I also have a Facebook page, that is Mark Epstein, MD., that has a list of upcoming talks, or lectures, or whatever.

[0:43:32.0] MB: Well, we'll make sure to include links to all of those in the show notes at successpodcast.com. Mark, thank you so much for coming on the show for sharing all this wisdom and knowledge.

[0:43:41.8] ME: Thanks a lot Matt. It's been great.

[0:43:43.5] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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Remember, the greatest compliment you can give us is a referral to a friend either live or online. If you enjoyed this episode, please leave us an awesome review and subscribe on iTunes because that helps boost the algorithm, that helps us move up the iTunes rankings and helps more people discover the Science of Success.

Don't forget, if you want to get all the incredible information we talk about in the show, links transcripts, everything we discuss and much more, be sure to check out our show notes. You can get those at successpodcast.com, just hit the show notes button right at the top.

Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.

April 04, 2019 /Lace Gilger
Emotional Intelligence, Health & Wellness
Charles Byrd-01.png

Evernote Secrets That Will Help You Develop a “Photographic Memory” & A Powerful “External Brain” with Charles Byrd

April 02, 2019 by Lace Gilger in Creativity & Memory, Focus & Productivity

In this interview we discuss how to create an “external brain” that lets you keep track of your tasks, projects, ideas and inspirations - while freeing your conscious mind for the most productive and focused thinking - we explore how you can connect the external world of meetings and events with your internal world of ideas and thoughts in a uniquely powerful way, and we demonstrate how you can save up to 144 hours a year using a few simple techniques with our guest Charles Byrd.

Charles Byrd is a productivity and organizational expert and the founder of Byrd Word. He’s known as the world’s foremost Evernote guru.  As a productivity expert, Charles coaches CEOs and entrepreneurs how to "Kill the Chaos" of information overload.  

  • Evernote is a “trusted system” you can apply to your life, profession, business etc. 

  • Creating an “external brain” to keep track of your tasks, projects, ideas, inspiration

  • The powerful merger of collecting things from your internal worlds and external world and connecting them 

  • Your “5 second superpower” - find whatever you want or need in 5 seconds or less 

  • Do you use Evernote for one “specific thing” instead of everything? 

  • How you can find key information you need in high pressure and difficult situations 

  • How you can cut down on task switching 

  • How you can be more focused and creative by taking processing load out of your conscious mind 

  • How to tag things in Evernote for instant and easy recall

  • Who, What, Where Why 

  • How to hack Siri shortcuts to amp the power of Evernote to the next level

  • The “Power Trifecta” - a combination of tools, work flows, and habits to create the most optimized routines possible 

  • Simple tactics you can use to start adding things to Evernote right away 

  • “Do I need it, do I dig it?"

  • How to begin with Evernote if you’ve always wanted to, but aren’t sure where to start

  • How you can save 3 hours a week using Evernote - that’s 144 hours a year - 18 working days of reclaimed time

  • Create a Siri shortcut for master list and marketing idea notes

  • How you can feel like a rock star who can do anything 

  • How to hack meetings to be more productive 

  • Click the “Task” Checkbox on any action items you have within a meeting or conversation

    1. Write a 1-2 sentence summary of the meeting and any key action items 

  • Evernote is the “cornerstone” of productive sanity 

  • Evernote is the foundation of being productive in the modern day

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Thank you so much for listening!

Please SUBSCRIBE and LEAVE US A REVIEW on iTunes! (Click here for instructions on how to do that).

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This Episode of The Science of Success is brought to you by our friends at Skillshare!

Skillshare is an online learning community tailored for creators and doers! With more than 25,000 classes in design, business, and more! You’ll discover countless ways to fuel your curiosity, creativity, and career. Take classes in everything from social media marketing, mobile photography, creative writing, or even illustration.

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That’s two months of unlimited access to all these amazing resources absolutely for free! Just got to www.skillshare.com/success and get started today!

This week we’ve been really loving Skillshare's classes on business and entrepreneurship. We're always on the lookout for new strategies, tactics, and ideas to grow our business and Skillshare has classes from some of the best in business across many industries!

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Want To Dig In More?! - Here’s The Show Notes, Links, & Research

General

  • Charles’s Personal Website

  • Charles’s LinkedIn

  • Charles’s Site Byrd Word

  • Byrd Word Facebook & Twitter

Media

  • [Article] Project Management Hacks “How Charles Byrd Gets It Done: Project Management & Networking Tips” by editor

  • [Course] Zero to 60 w/ Evernote

  • [Podcast] Mitch Russo - How To Apply Evernote In Business And Life with Charles Byrd

  • [Podcast] Productivity Masterminds - Ep 16: Charles Byrd - Understanding and Using the Power Trifecta

  • [Podcast] Tathra Street - TP 24: Charles Byrd Evernote Guru

  • [Podcast] Productivity Academy - Episode 9 – Diving Deeper – Evernote And Focus With Charles Byrd

  • [Podcast] The Productivityist Podcast: Demystifying Evernote with Charles Byrd

  • [Podcast] Build Your Network - 045: NETWORKING WITH OPEN EARS AND ADDING VALUE WITH CHARLES BYRD

Videos

  • Charles’s Youtube Channel

  • Going Paperless with Evernote

  • Charles’s Byrd Word Vimeo Channel

    • [LIVE] Kill the Chaos! With Caitlin Pyle & Charles Byrd on 4-5

  • Byrd Word - 2015 Charles Byrd Speaks at ICG San Francisco

  • Elite Online Publishing - How to use Evernote to organize your Life - Charles Byrd

  • Nicole Holland - Charles Byrd Explains The Beautiful Roller Coaster of Awesomeness

  • Mirasee - Course Builder’s Laboratory - Success Story - Charles Byrd

Misc

[Training Webinar] - Kill The Chaos: Host Matt Bodnar of The Science of Success Welcomes Charles Byrd

Episode Transcript

[00:00:04.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[0:00:11.8] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success; the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than three million downloads and listeners in over a hundred countries.

Welcome to a special bonus episode of Science of Success. We’re releasing this, because it’s a topic that I’m super passionate about and lots of listeners will get a ton of value from, but it’s not part of our regularly scheduled programming. Stay tuned on Thursday for a normal episode of the show.

In this interview, we discuss how to create an external brain that lets you keep track of your tasks, projects, ideas and inspiration while freeing your conscious mind for the most productive and focused thinking that you can do. We explore how you can connect the external world of meetings and events with your internal world of ideas and thoughts in a uniquely, powerful way.

We demonstrate how you can save up to a 144 hours a year using a few, simple techniques with our guest, Charles Byrd.

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[0:02:53.1] MB: Today, we have another exciting guest on the show, Charles Byrd. Charles is a productivity and organizational expert and the founder of the Byrd Word. He’s known as one of the world’s four most Evernote gurus. As a productivity expert, Charles coaches CEOs and entrepreneurs on how to kill the chaos of information overload.

Charles, welcome to the Science of Success.

[0:03:13.7] CB: Thanks for having me, Matt.

[0:03:15.7] MB: Well, we're really excited to have you on the show today. It's funny, I'm super pumped to have you especially because I'm so passionate about Evernote and longtime listeners have absolutely heard me talk about this, share this, etc., Listeners may not know this, but I actually sought you out Charles and basically said, “This guy's one of the world's top experts on Evernote and I wanted to bring him here and share with everybody at Science of Success how powerful and impactful Evernote can be.”

[0:03:44.0] CB: Yeah. It's an honor to be here and I'm excited to dive into some of the topics that will help both save people time and reduce their stress at the same time.

[0:03:54.7] MB: Awesome. I mean, I've had such a tremendously powerful impact from my life from using Evernote. The funny thing is I have multiple Evernote tabs open even right now and during any interview to keep track of my interview questions and all the notes and comments and show notes from the conversation. Even in real time right now, it's basically an ever-present thing in my entire life and helps organize pretty much everything that I do.

[0:04:20.1] CB: I'm with you, man. I've got a note up right now and it's tagged with your name, it's tagged with Science of Success, it's tagged with podcast. You're right, every single meeting, every idea popping into my head at random hours, on jogs, or here or there, it's always around, even from the first thing when I wake up, I do a four-minute Tabata workout and it's a YouTube link, right? I don't want to look that thing up every morning, so I've used Siri shortcuts in Evernote, so I simply press the button and say, “Tabata workout,” it pulls up that Evernote note, which has a link to the YouTube video. From the second I roll out of bed throughout my day, it’s ever-present.

[0:05:11.1] MB: Well, you're already dropping some seriously tactical knowledge and I want to get into that. It's funny, I even will wake up in the middle of the night sometimes and just jot ideas down in Evernote that I've been thinking of. Then the next morning, I'll get up and categorize and file those and figure out how they apply to whatever I'm working on.

[0:05:30.0] CB: Yeah. I do the same thing. I was working on this rebranding exercise. I'm coming up with all these name combinations and checking the domains. Yeah, last night, I don't know, it's probably 4:30 in the morning, like three new names pop in my head, I grab my phone, capture them and then keep reviewing them in the morning. What it is is part of a system that you trust and it's always there for you. When you know exactly how to apply it to your life, your profession, your business, it starts really empowering you and it just becomes a second part of your consciousness. It's like an external memory that's always interfacing with your internal systems.

[0:06:16.1] MB: It's exactly the way I was going to describe it. I view it as an external brain basically that keeps track of everything I want to keep track of and I only have to make sure that one information gets into it and two, be able to pull information out of it at the right time. I think that system, or that idea maybe it was either originally from, or got popularized by GTD, getting things done, which was this notion of build a trusted system as you said and then input information in the system and execute on the outputs of the system.

You can save a tremendous amount of cognitive load and processing power, simply by having the system do the bulk that work and you don't have to worry about it and constantly keep everything juggling in your head.

[0:06:59.1] CB: Yeah. I was fortunate to have David Allen on my show over the summer. I got to talk with him about this stuff. One of the things I just adore about using Evernote is it gives you a place to capture stuff from your own mind, the ideas that are popping in your head, your task list starting to form projects, you're the source of that information, even if it's taking photographs, or adding in attachments, or things you've made. Plus it lets you collect everything from the outside world from paper documents, receipts, forms on the cell, on the phone at working at home.

It lets you have one simple system that collects both your internal and external worlds from e-mails and paper documents and all of that in one place. Then I'm sure we'll dive into it here as well. When you learn how to recognize something's interesting or important and capture it and then tag it appropriately, that is the framework for finding whatever you need in five seconds, which I call your five-second superpower.

[0:08:08.3] MB: That's such a great way to think about it. I truly believe Evernote is a superpower. I mean, it's something that absolutely helps me keep track of everything and it's funny, longtime listeners of the show will definitely remember and think back and may even have a copy of this still, but one of the first, if not the first free giveaways that we ever created for the Science of Success listeners was a guide called How to Organize and Remember Everything.

I'm somebody who's known amongst, especially with my friends and stuff for having an amazing memory, or always being able to pull up an article, or a book, or whatever and keeping even all the books that I read. I keep this huge array of book notes and summaries and mind maps and all this information. That free guide or free giveaway was something that I was so passionate about that topic that I created for the listeners. One of the cornerstones of that was to use Evernote. I totally agree. I think it's absolutely – if you apply it in the right way, it can become essentially a superpower.

[0:09:05.7] CB: Yeah, really. I worked in the Silicon Valley for 15 years. I was a director at a billion dollar software company. When I left there and wanted to create online trainings focused on productivity and streamlining, the whole array of from how to shape the most productive days, to the tools to use, to the mindsets involved, I listed out all the things I felt I could create trainings on and there was about 40 of them. Then I honed in, “Okay, what are you really good at?” It's ranked to 12. Then I just looked at that list and I asked myself, “What's been the most useful for me in all kinds of contexts, from managing projects with budgets of 5 million dollars to starting a company, to remodeling a house, to raising a family, Evernote was always the top of the list.”

I'm like, well, I've designed some pretty unique and useful workflows in Evernote. Why not try sharing that with people? Most people have heard of Evernote. Most people, three-fourths of your audience probably actually hire with yours already have Evernote on their phone and they're using it for a couple things here and there, but they're likely not power users like you are Matt, or like I am. They may be using it to capture things from Web Clipper.

A lot of people have a specific thing they use it for, but they don't have a tangible way to find whatever they need super quickly. I remember, I went down to San Jose once, ran into one of the VPs and he was like, “We're looking forward to your presentation.” I said, “Great. Yeah. Next Tuesday like usual.” He's like, “No, we need everything in half an hour.” I went back to my desk and I'm stressing, because the stuff was buried in all kinds of systems, on e-mail and SharePoint. I recall, that that was the catalyst for me. I was like, “I have to design a system where I can find things quickly, so I'm not in these stressful situations.”

Because part of having a system you trust saves you time, but really for me, the biggest value is just dialing back the stress level by quite a bit, because you know exactly how to capture things and how to find them exactly when you need them.

[0:11:27.8] MB: You made a couple good points. One of them is just this notion and I tell people and I come from a financial background, so I think of almost garbage in, garbage out when you're looking at a financial model or something like that. I tell people Evernote is the same way, it's garbage in, garbage out. If you put in bad information, or you don't really use it that much, then it's not the thing that you always know that you can turn to to get what you want out of it.

The flip-side of that is if it's your guiding light, or your center mass that you're always coming back to and you know that everything's in there. I'm the same way, I have everything from recipes to screenshots or photos of fashion that I like, of things that I want to put into my office, to business ideas, to meeting notes. I can pull up meeting notes from any meeting that I've had in the last probably seven years within 10 seconds, right? Or as you say, within five seconds once I tag them appropriately.

It's amazing. Once you commit to actually dedicating and focusing your time and energy into it, it becomes – it's not a linear increase in the effectiveness or the power that you got out of, it's an exponential increase.

[0:12:37.5] CB: It is. From business context to just everyday life, like our fridge is making noise the other day and just to paint two different scenarios; one, you just open – call to get repairs and they want the receipt. Just search for the tag receipt and the tag fridge and have instantly, or the alternative is where the hell's the receipt, digging through drawers, looking through e-mails, spending two hours hunting for something that it's time you didn't have to start with.

Just psychologically, if you put yourself in pressured situations and you're not able to focus on what's actually important, because you're wasting time finding something, it's necessary but not quite as important, it's just stealing time from your higher priorities. Having a place to capture things and find them exactly when you need them saves you too from wasting time task-switching as well, because you're just more fluid in everything you do. I'm sure you’re a omni-focused task person, not as in the platform, but working on one thing at a time.

[0:13:53.1] MB: Definitely. Even the idea of how Evernote interacts with stress. The idea that I think about is the the notion, coming back to the notion of the external brain, right? The power for me in Evernote is that having all of this knowledge information, externalizing something that I can trust and know that it's there and know that I can find it and recall it instantly, frees up my processing power, so that I can dedicate it completely to focusing on what I'm doing, or I can unleash almost another level of creativity and thinking and focus onto anything, because I know that – I don't have anything else jumbling around in my head.

I put it in Evernote and then I honestly just let go of it. I know that I can find it and retrieve it the instant that I need it. That peace of mind is really powerful in terms of letting me get that focus and also cultivate more creative approaches to challenges or problems.

[0:14:47.8] CB: Yeah, I agree. I have a module I teach called Planning Your Perfect Today. What it is is this template inside of Evernote that lets you get things out of your head. You wake up, you're like, “I need to give Matt a ring. I need to do this or that.” These things start flooding your head. Having a place to get those off your mind, this is getting things done, stuff – get them off your mind and then you can objectively review them and prioritize and sequence them and then choose your top three for that day, set your Pomodoro timer and actually dig in and get to work on what matters the most. Instead of attempting to hold that in your brain and it starts stealing focus from you.

There's a method I use and teach for figuring out what to put in Evernote, because most everyone listening has Evernote on their phone right now. The question is how do you know when to put things in there? I'll give you a very simple way to do it. It's something I call the I dig it, I need it bell. It is the bell that goes off in your head when you recognize that something's either interesting, or important to you. Let's say you're going through your inbox and you just booked a flight and your flight confirmation is sitting there. You'll hear a bell in your head, sounds like that. When you hear that bell in your head, that is your cue to save that directly into Evernote right then.

Then I teach how to tag that. The method I used to do it, sometimes people have a tough time figuring out what tags should be, but it's actually very simple; who, what, where, why. Who, what, where, why. The reason this worked so well, so I just booked a flight to Irvine because I'm speaking at an event down there next month. When the flight confirmation came in, I tagged it as follows; travel, flight, southwest. I tagged it based on the name of the event I'm speaking at and even the person who invited me to speak at that event.

Here's the cool thing about it, it's like it gives you different context points to pull that information up later depending on how it pops into your head in the future. If you're like, “I've got a flight next month, what's the info on that?” Well, I can search for flight. Or if I'm like, “What's everything involved in this upcoming event that I'm doing?” I can pull up that tag, the flight will be there along with any other information about the event.

It ends up being a very magical thing, because you're your spoon feeding yourself the exact context points to get back to it immediately. The next wave of power here comes from searching for one tag and then searching for another. If I search for the tag flight, there'll be hundreds of flights there. Of course, this would be near the top because I just put it in there. If I add in the name of the event, or I'm flying to Irvine, add a second tag, it will filter by only those. This is how you find exactly what you need in five seconds.

Like you said, with your 10,000 notes, you can pull up our last conversation immediately. I would pull up the tag Matt and I would pull up the tag notes. Every conversation we've had would be there instantaneously.

[0:18:12.1] MB: Tagging is one of the – well, zooming out even a little bit, because this ties back in this idea of tagging. I consider myself a power user of Evernote, right? I mean, I have over 10,000 notes in Evernote. I've been using it religiously for almost 10 years at this point. I constantly am raving and talking to people about how awesome Evernote is, how it's changed my life, how I love it so much. Yet you came in and probably within 10 minutes of us having a conversation about it, I really didn't tag anything. I didn't really see the value or relevance of tagging and yet, just after our conversation, just implementing tagging has already had a huge increase in my ability to pull stuff up much more quickly and much more rapidly and instantly find whatever I want.

I've got so many notes. It's impossible tasks to ever go back and tag all of them, but what I've done is basically every new note now is getting tagged and then every time I search for something and try to pull it up and access an older note, I just go ahead and throw four or five tags in there and it makes it so much easier and so much quicker. All that to say, like I'm somebody who's at the 1% probably and I don't say that in the hubris. It’s just from raw amount of notes that I have of an Evernote user base.

You still are dropping tips left and right that I had no idea about the – You threw something out a minute ago about Siri. I don't even know what you're talking about, but that sounds like, “Oh, that sounds interesting. I wonder how I could use Siri to be more effective.”

[0:19:32.8] CB: I’ll explain that. Right before I do that, I want to – I've had these debates with other friends of mine in the productivity world that aren't using tags and they're like, Evernote search capabilities are ridiculously strong. I can find whatever I need. The fact is they can.

Here's a very logical and simple difference why tags are better. That is as follows; if you search for the word car, Evernote is going to find it. Any note, any PDF, any handwritten note, it will find it. It will also find any word carpet, or carpe diem, or car – anything, it's going to find that too. You'll have to sift through it. If you search for the tag car, you're only going to get what you intended to find when you captured it in the first place. Having that in the back of your mind, simply coming up with a tagger to it, you don't necessarily need four or five tags per note. Even one or two usually does the trick. It's always in context of what you're capturing.

As far as the Siri shortcuts go, this came out of course a few months back when Siri shortcuts came out in iOS 12. When you're on the mobile version of Evernote on iOS device and you go into a note, you'll see those three little dots in the top-right corner that represent a menu icon. You touch those and one of them is going to be Siri shortcut. The way to use that to great effect is anything that you're pulling up with some frequency, like I wouldn't make one for my notes from this conversation, but I do have one for that morning workout, I have one for my Kaiser card, I have one for things that – like my booking links.

I can just press Siri at any point, no matter what apps up, just say, “Booking links,” it will open Evernote and open to the note that has my booking link, so I can cut and paste them into other apps. Same thing, I walk into Kaiser, my health care provider to say, “Kaiser card,” and show them my phone and I'm good to go.

Those types of situations where things you would reference with some frequency I have this not particularly a morning affirmation guy, but I found one that I actually do enjoy and I have a shortcut for that as well. It's just really nice, because it takes the hunting out – when there's little barriers to entry, even tiny ones, this this gets a little wild, Matt. I have a treadmill desk. If there's a Amazon box sitting on there, an empty one even, I might not walk on the thing, because something is in the way and I'm like, “I'd have to move this, or do that.” Where if you make the path clear so that it's simple, then you will do it.

There's a chair I meditate in before bed and if there's clothes on it, there's a good chance I won't. If it's perfectly clean and ready to go, there's a massive chance I will. The point in bringing that up is design things to be frictionless.

[0:22:45.8] MB: You literally just – in real-time, I just realized I carry a very thin wallet. I have maybe five cards in my wallet and two of those cards or health insurance cards. I just realized just now I could take both of those out and just take a picture and put them in Evernote. You're in real-time adding value to me, because I just reduced the number of cards that I carry by 25% just based on the advice you just gave me.

I want to zoom out a little bit, because we're getting really tactical and I think this stuff is important. For people who are who are extreme power users like you and me, this is great. Let's say somebody has Evernote, or even they're thinking about, or they want to use it, or they say, “Oh, I should be using that, but I just can't get into it,” what would be some really simple strategies to either start using it more regularly, or maybe some basic principles that are really effective to get started with and get some value out of Evernote, for someone who's not already weighed deep down the journey of using it?

[0:23:37.1] CB: Oh, good point. There's a couple things; for one, there's something I created and teach called the power trifecta. It is the combination of tools, workflows and habits. What's missing in a lot of these conversations about tools like Evernote is people think it's about how the tool works; the factors you do need to know that. You also need to know how you should apply it to your life, to your business, profession, school, whatever it is you do. You can have the best tool in the world, but if you're not applying it to your life and your business, then you don't actually have Evernote, you have #nevernote and never note doesn't hook you up very often.

Let's say you do know how to use it and you know how to apply it to your world, the next part is habits. You need to be in the habit of capturing the information, so it's there when you need it. As I was mentioning earlier, the way to do it, this is the simple, simple way to do it; simply recognize when something's interesting or important, because that is your cue to put it into Evernote right then and tag it based on the who, what, where, why. Simply using those basic things, it will start being easy.

Let's say you're going through your e-mail inbox. Most of it not going to be super relevant to you, but let's say you got unsolicited testimonial from one of your star clients. You're going to hear that bell in your head, “This is interesting and important. I'm going to need that.” That's your cue to save it directly into Evernote. Or let's say you're at Home Depot and the receipt spits out of the self-checkout, just take a second and snap a picture of that receipt because when you get home, your wife might tell you the new fan you bought doesn't match the blinds correctly.

Since the receipt might have blown around in your car, why put any risk of not being able to find the thing? These are simple things. You're going to hear the bell in your head, you come up with that great new idea for a blog post, or a new product, or a way to serve your client in a unique way. When you think of it, just write it down in Evernote. Step one, just getting the habit of realizing when you're coming across something that you find interesting, or you know it's important and then save it in Evernote, tag it.

That's where everything starts getting a lot easier. Like I said, I teach people. Every day I have thousands of students. I teach them how to save three hours a week. When you save three hours a week, you’re reclaiming time in these little pockets using the five-second superpower. Saving three hours a week adds up to a 144 hours a year, or 18 working days of reclaimed time.

I will emphasize at least for me, and actually a lot of my clients and students that time savings is killer. I mean, the most valuable thing we have on the planet is time. That's not the most valuable reward from learning this, it's dialing back the stress levels, it's killing the chaos of information overload by giving yourself systems you trust.

To simply get started, get the app on your phone, log in there and learn the basics how to make a new note; simply click the new note button or plus sign and just get in the habit of doing that for anything in your world that's interesting or important.

[0:27:15.2] MB: I'm guessing you listen to this podcast, because you want to improve yourself in some way. That's why I'm so excited to have our amazing sponsor Skillshare back to sponsor us once again.

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[0:29:10.9] MB: You brought up another great point, which is something that I've intuitively developed over the last year, five plus years using Evernote. That’s the difference between – I think Evernote is beautiful; one, because it's a methodology to capture ideas and information, but it's also really effective at then consolidating and organizing them. I think that's actually another principle from GTD, or maybe from somewhere else, but it's this idea that when I get up at 3:00 in the morning and I have this flash of insight and I have, “Oh, this is a great idea,” I just open Evernote, jot it in, typos, whatever and just hit okay. Close it. Then I'll get up the next morning, or at a absolute bare minimum, I have a weekly ritual of every Sunday going through my – all the Evernote notes I've created in the last seven days and sometimes even going back further just to see what's been on my mind recently and consolidating those.

A lot of times, I'll keep a list in many different instances and for many different businesses and projects that I’m involved with, I have idea lists of hey, here's all the marketing ideas I have for this company. Then if I get up in the middle of the night and I have an idea for it, I might just throw that as a new note. Then when I'm going through my consolidation, I'll add that to the list and then think about, “Okay, I want to make sure this list is ranked in terms of priority and ease or whatever,” and there's a lot of ways to do that too. That's a whole another rabbit hole.

All that to say, then I go, I just search for the tag for marketing ideas for that company and I have a list of 25 ideas that I've come up with previously, and so I say, “Hey, I want to do some new marketing initiatives. Here's all the thinking I've already done around it.” I can just cherry-pick the top two or three off of that and start executing on them.

[0:30:47.8] CB: That's perfect. A couple quick ideas about that, if you want to consolidate into a single note list like you're referring to, that would be a good example of a note to create a Siri shortcut for. Let's say you were consulting, it could be your own company, or you’re consulting another company, you just make a Siri shortcut for marketing ideas, for Acme productivity company. That way, you can pull them up immediately.

The other way to do it and I do these things both ways; I'll give you two examples, but the other way I would do that where you never actually have to go back and consolidate them would be when one of those ideas pop in, you capture it, you note it and then I tag it idea and then I tag it the name of the company. In the future when I want those, I simply search for those two tags, all these separate notes will come up that have those and I've got them right there.

An example of a note that I do use a consolidated list would be when I get oil changes in the car, I'll just pull up the same note and track them in there. You can certainly do it either way, whatever connects and reflects best with the way you work and think. The most streamlined way in general is to simply make a new note and tag it idea and the name of the company, because oh well, other than that Siri shortcut idea that gets you straight to that note and to start with. There's always more than one way to do it. I lean more toward the just making a new note and tagging it approach.

[0:32:24.0] MB: Well, you bring up a great point too, which is a lot of times and I think I'm as guilty of this as anybody, but a lot of times it's so easy to get caught up in trying to do it perfectly and saying, “Oh, I screwed up. I forgot to enter this idea. Or Oh, I forgot to use Evernote last week. Or Oh, I'm not doing it the exact right step-by-step, every single little thing right.” Then so you just give up and stop doing it, which is the worst possible thing. Even if you're using it to 20% of its capacity, you can get huge dividends from applying it.

Just because it's being – It doesn't have to be perfect, right? Your method for categorizing ideas, you don't have to have a neat, perfect, curated list. You could just throw it in there with some typos, tag it up. Then when you have that search, you can still find all the relevant information. There's no one perfect way. A lot of times getting caught up in needing, or having, or thinking that it has to be this exact perfect strategy or has to be exactly a certain way and then you give up and say, “Oh, just too hard to do Evernote, because I can't get it organized the way I want.” You're sometimes giving up a huge opportunity to really externalize a lot of your ideas and make your thinking a lot more clearer.

[0:33:30.9] CB: Yeah, I agree. I feel even if you didn't use some of the cool stuff we're talking about, you'd have a significant advantage simply just capturing stuff in there and never tagging it. Some people that buy my programs, or hire me for consulting, they wish they had – were starting with this fresh, clean slate, right? They're like, “Oh, if only I'd learned this and done this to start with.” Of course, that'd be lovely, right?

I still think they're at a significant advantage over people who are starting today, because if they have this whole array of content in Evernote, maybe they don't feel it's super organized, they still get the benefit of using search. Now they can search for whatever they want and they have that advantage over people that didn't start earlier, who have nothing to search for yet until they start putting things in there.

Here's another cool point; some people have a hodgepodge of stuff, ways you can start organizing what you already have without going painstakingly back through all the notes is simply, let's say you're going through and found a bank statement. Look for a string of text on there that's only going to be in your bank statements and search for that. Then next thing you know, all the bank statements show up immediately. You command A to highlight them all and tag them all at once. You can start organizing some of the more important items in your backlog of stuff.

I can tell you firsthand, the feeling you get inside when you need something and you're able to pull it up instantly, like I do a lot of shows and interviews and stuff and sometimes the host may not have my bio handy or something. They didn't see it in the e-mail, so I can go to Evernote, search for the tag bio, it's up instantly, copy a link, message it to them or text them. That feels good.

What doesn't feel good is when you need something that you know should be in Evernote, you go and look and it's not there, because you didn't put it in, the difference in the feeling; one, you feel like a rock star who can do anything. The other feels so hollow, because you know you let yourself down.

All I'm getting at there is by getting in the habit of allowing yourself to be a rock star, listening to the idea that I need a bell and following it every time, it's that cue that triggers a routine that delivers a reward. We want the reward to be time savings and killing the chaos of information overload. That's exactly what this solution delivers.

[0:36:15.4] MB: This might be a little bit going back to the deeper, more power user ask questions, but I'm curious for someone who has so many notes, do you ever have – let's say you and then this may not be directly, but let's say you were working on a project, or you change jobs and suddenly you have 700 notes from an old project, or a company that you sold and you're no longer involved with, do you look – do you just keep those in there? Do you look to archive them? How do you typically handle if you have a large chunk of information that no longer is relevant, or potentially you want in there?

[0:36:47.3] CB: Yeah. Actually when Evernote invited me to their campus to do a Facebook Live for their audience, they asked me the same question. My approach to it, it's just mine. It's not something I'm saying everyone should do, but basically I have 39,000 notes right now and I have stuff from way back in the day. The question was do you go back through and do housecleaning and purge older things? The short answer is I don't. I don't see a need to spend time on that. I have a lot higher priority ways to spend my time.

That said, there's some very simple ways to do it. If you are in the mood to do some housecleaning with your Evernote stuff, it is easy to do. For one, you can do searches for any notes that are over a certain age and then you could glance through those and figure out if you could purge them too, you could pull up a tag, or a notebook for a project, or team that just isn't in your world anymore, whatsoever. You just know you're not going to need it, sure blow it away.

The other trick I use occasionally is if I just know I'm capturing something that I'm certainly never going to need again after a certain date or point, I simply tag it and delete later. I'm pre-identifying, as I capture it that I'm not going to need this information later on purpose. Let's say it was a digital ticket to a show, or something, something where after you use it, it's no longer valuable to you. Then you could tag it delete later and every month or two, just pull that up and delete it later. There's some simple ways to do it. I haven't seen a huge advantage to spending time that way, but it is very easy to prune it down using techniques like that.

[0:38:39.0] MB: What's interesting, the theme that I've seen again and again from the way that you approach this and the way you’ve answered some of these questions is almost the philosophy from – I’m forgetting the exact term, but lean manufacturing, right? The idea of touch it once and that's it. When it enters, you tag it up, touch it, get it the way you want it to be and then you don't ever come back and edit or mess with it again. You can if you want to, but it's really from an efficiency standpoint, you're basically saying you want to do maybe one second extra on the front end to get a tag and categorize correctly and then you don't mess with it anymore after that, other than looking it up again.

[0:39:12.0] CB: Yeah. There's something else I teach called a working space. Those are the types of things I come back to. I do go back to notes and continue working on them. To your point, yes, I absolutely think it's worth spending an extra second or two to come up with a couple tag that saves you so much time later. Basically, what you're doing is in investing in saving yourself time in the future. At the expense of that extra second, like for these notes I'm taking right now, how long did it take me to type your name, the word podcast and Science of Success? I'm a pretty quick typer, that probably took literally three seconds if that.

For me, it's certainly worth it because when we talk again in a week or two or whatever, or in six months, I just search for your name and bam, we're picking up right where we left off, maintaining momentum. Quick best practice for anyone using Evernote if you're in meetings throughout the day. As a habit when you sit down for a new meeting, simply make a new note. It's just part of your flow. This is how Matt does it. It's how I do it. Sit down for a meeting, make a new note, tag it with the person's name, tag it with the reason you're meeting with them, the who, what, where, why.

Then as you're taking notes throughout the conversation, anytime there's an action item, simply click the little checkbox that's a task. That way when you're scanning through your notes at the end of the call, especially if you're going call to call to call throughout the day, it's super nice to just scan through, see any of the actions. A nice little best practice perk I would throw in there too, right when you hang up, glance through it, identify what those actions are, set a reminder on it if you need to if there's a follow-up, or cut and paste those tasks into a task manager.

A little trick I've been using that I am enjoying is writing a little sentence or two summary of the meeting and outcomes and next steps at the top. When I pull up our notes a week from now, I don't have to go dive in and figure out what I meant in my notes, but I give myself a nice little summary.

[0:41:33.1] MB: To recap things, give me in one or two sentences why you think Evernote is so important and so powerful and why people should use it?

[0:41:41.1] CB: I consider Evernote the foundation. It's the cornerstone of sanity. It doesn't mean we're not using other tools. In fact, I'm a big fan of using the right tool for the job, but in my professional opinion Evernote is the foundation of all of it. Let's say you're writing a book, or some long scripts, or something like that, Google Docs would be the appropriate choice, because you can track changes. It's the right tool for the job, but it plays nicely with Evernote. In fact, it natively integrates with Evernote, so that I can use Google Docs with my team and then that Google Doc is linked inside of Evernote and tagged Google Docs, it's tagged copyrighting, it's tagged whatever I need it to be, so I can still find whatever I need in five seconds and Evernote is leading me to exactly where the info is.

To me, this is a pillar of productivity and I would be utterly lost without it. I'm quite grateful that not only I get to benefit from it every day, but I get to reach millions of people a year helping them get organized and kill the chaos of information overload. In fact, right after this session I'm jumping on a meeting with the new CEO of Evernote.

[0:42:57.5] MB: Very exciting. That just goes to show what an expert you are that the CEO of Evernote is calling you and having meetings with you and asking you for advice and feedback about the platform.

[0:43:06.9] CB: Yeah. It will be a community call. I met with Chris the last CEO a few times. I even got him to plug my course on camera.

[0:43:16.6] MB: Nice. Well, so for listeners who want to concretely implement this, want to start taking action on this, what would be an action step, or a piece of homework that you would give them to begin the journey of letting Evernote change your life?

[0:43:28.0] CB: I would recommend they write down this URL and then go there. It is sos.killthechaos.pro/training. That's sos.killthechaos.pro/training. What that will do is get you on an actual training where Matt and I dive into all the core features of Evernote and exactly how to use them. We dig deeper into the power trifecta. For those of you who are just eager to get going this second, simply make sure you have Evernote on your phone or computer, log into your accounts, start getting comfortable with making a new note and listen for the I dig it, I need it bell to be your trigger to capture things in Evernote right then. I can assure you the liberation that comes with it is it comes in very short order. It's certainly worth your time.

[0:44:15.7] MB: Thanks for sharing that URL. That's right. I've partnered up with Charles. I think what he's doing is so important. I'm such a huge fan, advocate, absolute power super user of Evernote. That's why I wanted to bring him in and conduct a free training for all the Science of Success listeners. You can go check that out and sign up at sos.killthechaos.pro/training.

[0:44:37.6] CB: Beautiful.

[0:44:38.4] MB: Charles, thank you for coming on the show and sharing all this knowledge.

[0:44:41.7] CB: Oh, my pleasure Matt. Thanks for having me.

[0:44:44.8] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners, master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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Remember, the greatest compliment you can give us is a referral to a friend either live or online. If you enjoyed this episode, please leave us an awesome review and subscribe on iTunes, because that helps boost the algorithm, that helps us move up the iTunes rankings and helps more people discover the Science of Success.

Don't forget, if you want to get all the incredible information we talk about in the show, links transcripts, everything we discussed and much more, be sure to check out our show notes. You can get those at successpodcast.com, just hit the show notes button right at the top.

Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.

April 02, 2019 /Lace Gilger
Creativity & Memory, Focus & Productivity
Gretchen Rubin-02.png

How You Can Boost Your Energy, Focus & Happiness In 5 Minutes or Less with Gretchen Rubin

March 28, 2019 by Lace Gilger in Decision Making, Focus & Productivity

In this episode we discuss how to boost your energy, focus, and happiness in 5 minutes or less using a dead simple strategy anyone can apply right away. We explore the power of self knowledge and why it’s one of the cornerstones of success in any area of life, and we uncover several powerfully uncomfortable questions we can ask ourselves to be happier, healthier and more productive with our guest Gretchen Rubin.

Gretchen Rubin is the author of the New York Times bestsellers, Better Than Before, The Happiness Project, Happier at Home, and The Four Tendencies and her latest book is Outer Order Inner Calm. She’s appeared on TV outlets such as the Today show, Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday Morning, and more. She’s also appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, the Washington Post, and many more!

  • I finally cleaned out my fridge and now I know I can switch careers.

  • When we get control of the stuff of our lives we often see big results

  • Dealing with the little challenges of outer order give us the power to handle huge challenges

  • American adults spend 55 minutes a day looking for misplaced items

  • Focusing on order can yield huge benefits VERY QUICKLY with simple focus.

  • Cleaning up is something so simple, you will feel great, and it will

  • The “one-minute rule” - if you can do it in less than a minute, do it without delay

  • How to keep the scum of clutter on the surface of life go away

  • It’s much easier to keep up than to catch up

  • So easily accessible - anyone can do this in five minutes to create a massive shift in their energy, focus, and calm

  • Figure out WHAT YOU NEED to do your best work and then GET IT - create the environment in which you can thrive

  • There isn’t ONE BEST WAY to set up your environment to thrive.

  • Self knowledge is the most powerful and fundamental kind of knowledge you can create.

  • One of the great challenges of our lives is really trying to grapple with - what is the truth about ME?

  • Ask yourself uncomfortable questions.

    • Whom do you envy?

    • It’s a very revealing thing. It shows you that they have something that you wish for yourself.

    • Whose job or life gives you a TON of envy? There’s information there about what you want to do.

  • Most useful things involve discomfort - especially when it comes to self knowledge.

  • When trying to decide - should I ask this of myself or not?

    • Choose the BIGGER LIFE - what to YOU will create a BIGGER life?

  • Sometimes it’s worth the insecurity and frustration and anxiety if you’re pursuing what - to you- represents a bigger life. Is it worth the time? The bandwidth?

  • All reality is one interconnected mess.

  • That’s why it’s so important to have a multi-disciplinary perspective.

  • There’s a HUGE difference between “I’m right” and “This is what’s true for me."

  • In a fight over dirty dishes at the office - that’s the tip of a giant iceberg of psychology that shapes hundreds of complex and nuanced interactions

  • There are so many ways to achieve your goals, experiment and try different methods

  • “Don’t break the chain.” Try to keep a chain of successes.

  • Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good

  • Homework: How do you decide what to get rid of? Do you need it, do you use it, do you love it? Don’t get organized, get rid of things first.

  • Homework: The one minute rule - anything you can do in under a minute, do it without delay.

  • It’s not so much WHAT should you do, but rather how can you get yourself to STICK to what you want to do? Experimentation is crucial.

  • Homework: Ask yourself - how have you succeeded in the past? Ask yourself what you learned from that and model that behavior.

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Want To Dig In More?! - Here’s The Show Notes, Links, & Research

General

  • Gretchen’s Website

  • Gretchen’s Wiki Page

  • Gretchen’s LinkedIn

Media

  • [Book Site] Outer Order Inner Calm

  • [Article] Forbes - “NYT Bestselling Author Gretchen Rubin Shares Her Best Happiness Advice” by Zack Friedman

  • [Article] MIndBodyGreen - “Why The World's Leading Happiness Expert Doesn't Want You To Be A Minimalist” By Emma Loewe

  • [Article] Thrive Global - “On Outer Order, Inner Calm: An Interview with Gretchen Rubin” By Laura Cococcia

  • Gretchen Rubin author directory on Forbes, INC, Medium

    • Carl Jung's Five Key Elements to Happiness

    • Why You Need to 'Know Your Zone' to Find Happiness

    • 30 Tips I Use to Make Myself Happier, Right Now.

  • [Article] Daily Stoic - Outer Order, Inner Calm: An Interview With Bestselling Author Gretchen Rubin

  • [Article] CBS This Morning - Make room for happiness: Gretchen Rubin on how to combat loneliness

  • [Podcast] Robert Glazer - GRETCHEN RUBIN ON THE FOUR TENDENCIES AND THE SECRET TO HAPPINESS

  • [Podcast] The Ultimate Health Podcast - 037: Gretchen Rubin – The Foundation For Happiness | Simplicity vs. Abundance Lovers | The One Minute Rule

  • [Podcast] The Tim Ferris Show - #290: Gretchen Rubin — Experiments in Happiness and Creativity

  • [Podcast] Art of Charm - Gretchen Rubin | Mastering Happiness (Episode 388)

  • [Podcast] Jordan Harbinger - 18: Gretchen Rubin | Four Tendencies: The Framework for a Better Life

  • [Podcast] The Good Life Project - Gretchen Rubin: How to Build Habits That Change Lives

Videos

  • Gretchen’s Youtube Channel

  • Outer Order, Inner Calm by Gretchen Rubin [Book Trailer] (30 seconds)

  • The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin - Book Trailer (30 seconds)

  • “Happier at Home" Book Trailer (1 min, 2nd most viewed video on her channel)

  • The Years Are Short

  • Gretchen Rubin: "Better than Before" | Talks at Google (2015)

    • Gretchen Rubin: "Happier at Home" | Talks at Google (2012)

    • Gretchen Rubin | Talks at Google (2010)

  • TEDxNewHaven - Gretchen Rubin - Five Half-Truths About Happiness

  • Sophia Colombo - The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin | Animated Book Review

  • Sage Grayson - Book Review: The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin

  • Big Think - Chores cause conflict. Try managing them like this instead. | Gretchen Rubin

    • 6 ways to let go of pointless possessions | Gretchen Rubin

  • 99U - Gretchen Rubin: The 4 Ways to Successfully Adopt New Habits

  • Gretchen Rubin Shares 8 Personal Rules of Happiness | SuperSoul Sunday | Oprah Winfrey Network

  • Lifehacker - Gretchen Rubin Shares Her Secrets to Good Habits and Happiness

Books

  • [Book] Outer Order, Inner Calm: Declutter and Organize to Make More Room for Happiness  by Gretchen Rubin

  • [Book] The Happiness Project, Tenth Anniversary Edition: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun  by Gretchen Rubin

  • [Book] The Four Tendencies: The Indispensable Personality Profiles That Reveal How to Make Your Life Better (and Other People's Lives Better, Too)  by Gretchen Rubin

  • [Book] Better Than Before: What I Learned About Making and Breaking Habits--to Sleep More, Quit Sugar, Procrastinate Less, and Generally Build a Happier Life  by Gretchen Rubin

  • [Book] Happier at Home: Kiss More, Jump More, Abandon Self-Control, and My Other Experiments in Everyday Life  by Gretchen Rubin

  • [Book] Daily Rituals: How Artists Work by Mason Currey

  • [Book] Internal Time: Chronotypes, Social Jet Lag, and Why You're So Tired by Till Roenneberg

  • [Book] Forty Ways to Look at Winston Churchill: A Brief Account of a Long Life  by Gretchen Rubin

  • [Book] Power Money Fame Sex: A User's Guide  by Gretchen Rubin

  • [Book] Forty Ways to Look at JFK  by Gretchen Rubin

  • [Amazon Author Page] Gary Taubes

  • [Amazon Author Page] Gretchen Rubin

Misc

  • [SoS Episode Guide] Decision Making

  • [SoS Episode] The Epic Mental Framework You Need To Master Any Skill and Defeat Fear and Uncertainty with Josh Kaufman

  • [SoS Episode] How To Stop Living Your Life On Autopilot, Take Control, and Build a Toolbox of Mental Models to Understand Reality with Farnam Street’s Shane Parrish

  • [SoS Episode] The Scientific Secrets of Perfect Timing with Daniel Pink

  • [SoS Episode] These Habits Will Help You Crush Procrastination & Overwhelm with James Clear

Episode Transcript

[00:00:04.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[0:00:11.8] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success; the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than three million downloads and listeners in over a hundred countries.

In this episode, we discuss how to boost your energy, focus and happiness in five minutes or less using a dead-simple strategy that anyone can apply right now. We explore the power of self-knowledge and why it’s one of the cornerstones of success in any area of life. We uncover several powerfully uncomfortable questions that you can ask yourself to be happier, healthier and more productive with our guest, Gretchen Rubin.

I’m going to tell you why you’ve been missing out on some incredibly cool stuff if you haven’t signed up for our e-mail list yet. All you have to do to sign up is to go to successpodcast.com and sign up right on the home page.

On top of tons subscriber-only content, exclusive access and live Q&As with previous guests, monthly giveaways and much more, I also created an epic free video course just for you. It's called How to Create Time for What Matters Most Even When You're Really Busy. E-mail subscribers have been raving about this guide.

You can get all of that and much more by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the home page, or by texting the word smarter to the number 44-222 on your phone. If you like what I do on Science of Success, my e-mail list is the number one way to engage with me and go deeper on what I discuss on the show, including free guides, actionable takeaways, exclusive content and much, much more.

Sign up for my e-mail list today by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the home page, or if you're on the go, if you're on your phone right now, it's even easier. Just text the word “smarter”, that's S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44-222. I can't wait to show you all the exciting things you'll get when you sign up and join the e-mail list.

In our previous episode, we discussed why it's so important to study and understand psychology if you want to master any aspect of life. We looked at the evolutionary science behind how your brain can often play tricks on you. We shared a simple and impactful model from psychology for dealing with stressful and tough situations and we discussed the dangerous illusion of the quest for certainty and how you should actively embrace taking risks in your life with our guest, Dr. Daniel Crosby. If you want to stop your brain from playing tricks on you, listen to our previous episode.

Now, for our interview with Gretchen.

[0:03:14.5] MB: Today, we have another exciting guest on the show, Gretchen Rubin. Gretchen is the author of the New York Times best-seller’s Better Than Before, The Happiness Project, Happier at Home and The Four Tendencies. Her latest book is Outer Order, Inner Calm. She’s appeared on TV outlets such as The Today Show, Oprah's Super Soul Sunday Morning and more. She's also appeared in the New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, the Washington Post and many other outlets.

Gretchen, welcome to the Science of Success.

[0:03:42.3] GR: I'm so happy to be talking to you today. Well, we're very excited to have you on the show today and dig into this topic, because I think it's really fascinating. To start out, you've done a tremendous amount of work, tremendous amount of research. There's a million things we could dig into in this conversation, but the topic that has captured your attention recently is this idea of order. I wanted to begin with why has order become something and what – maybe let's start with what is order and why has it become for somebody who spent so much time studying happiness and habits and behaviors, why is order come to the forefront for you?

[0:04:16.7] GR: Well, it's interesting. I have been writing about happiness and good habits and human nature for a long time. Something that has surprised me is there's a disproportionate charge around the subject of outer order. I mean, if I would ask people if they make their bed, an audience would laugh and start chattering and people – a friend I said, “I finally cleaned up my fridge and now I know I can switch careers.” I was like, “I know how that feels.”

It doesn't really make sense, because you think well, in the context of a happy, productive life, something like a crowded coat closet, or a messy desk is trivial. Yet over and over, people reported to me and I certainly feel this way myself that when we get control over the stuff in our lives, we often feel more in control over our lives generally. If it's an illusion, it's a helpful illusion.

It's not just a sense of calm, but there's also a sense of focus, a sense of energy, even a sense of possibility. There’s something about dealing with these little challenges of creating outer order that makes us feel more able to tackle big challenges. I just always thought it seemed disproportionate. Why was everybody getting such a bang for their buck in this area? I decided, instead of writing about something huge like habits, I want to go shine a spotlight on something small, but that seems to be punching above its weight in terms of value, which is creating outer order.

[0:05:41.3] MB: That's such a great approach. I love the 80/20 perspective on what's something simple, very easy to do and yet, has an outsized approach in terms of shaping the outcomes in our lives.

[0:05:54.0] GR: Well, research shows that American adults spend about 55 minutes a day looking for misplaced items. Imagine what you could do with 55 minutes a day? One of the clearest benefits of outer order is that it's easier to find things. It's easier to put things away. You don't buy duplicates of something because you can't find – you have to buy a new tape measure, because you can't find the tape measure that you know you have somewhere.

Yeah. I mean, it really can yield very big benefits and very quickly. Yeah, there's a lot of instant gratification to it. It's not things that are more abstract, or that have a longer timeline. This is something, you can feel better like sent, you can get this boost quick.

[0:06:37.5] MB: That's been my own experience as well. I sometimes will almost – whenever I have a project to clean something up, or whether it's straighten up my desk, or throw things out, or clean up an old closet or drawer that's been full of junk, I sometimes actually save those activities and say, “All right, when I'm going to need a big productivity boost, I know that I need to go clean out this drawer.” Then I spend 15 minutes doing that and then I'm get in the flow, get in the zone and then I go crush out a bunch of productivity for the next couple hours.” It's amazing. I've had definitely had that personal experience of getting that boost from some very simple act of creating order in your environment.

[0:07:12.8] GR: I do exactly the same thing. I actually begged my friends to let me come over and help them clear their clutter, because it's like, you get all that exhilaration, but none of the emotional demand that comes from when it's your own things. I get a huge charge from it. I agree, I will do the same thing. Sometimes it really can be a way to get yourself that energy if you know that you need a little bit of it.

[0:07:35.3] MB: It's funny, even just talking about this, I'm looking around stuff in my office and have the urge to go get up and rip some stuff off the walls and clean up and throw some things away. I'm having to fight that tendency just to stay focused on the interview.

[0:07:47.8] GR: Well, that was my hope for the book. The book is written in this way where it's lots of ideas written in these very bite-sized pieces, because I wanted something that you just be so easily accessible. I was like, this is a book Outer Order, Inner Calm, this has to be extremely streamlined. Also it's a psych up book. It's a book that's meant to get you – you get a third of the way through it and then you throw it over your shoulder and go running to the medicine cabinet, or you go running to your filing cabinet, because you're like, “Oh, my gosh. I can't wait anymore. I have to start clearing clutter.”

After I finished recording the audiobook, the next day my director e-mailed me a before-and-after of her office, because she got so fired up from talking about it that then she spent the rest of the day cleaning at her office. It's really my hope that this is just to get you full of ideas and the sense of possibility to like, this is going to feel great. Let me go do this right now. I'm going to feel great and it's going to be really payoff for me in the future in terms of my focus and my energy and my call.

[0:08:45.5] MB: I love the focus on keeping it just so simple and so easy and so actionable. Anybody listening right now can in five minutes, create a change in their state and as you said, their energy and their focus simply by cleaning something up.

[0:09:03.0] GR: Well, one of the most popular ideas that I talk about is the one-minute rule. This is the idea that anything that you can do in less than a minute, you do without delay. If you can hang up your coat instead of tossing it over a chair, if you can print out a document and put it in the correct folder, anything you can do in less than a minute, just go ahead and do it. This means that you don't have to set aside any time. Some people are so busy they're like, “I don't have the time. If I did have the time, that's not how I would spend the time.”

This is something you just do as part of your ordinary day. Yet very quickly, if you really follow this rule, that scum of clutter on the surface of life goes away. That just makes everything much easier. Also, it's easier to keep up than to catch up. One discouraging thing that happens when people create outer order is they’ll clean out their office. They'll do some big sprints. Then two weeks later, it's like nothing ever changed.

Part of it is the challenge of establishing habits and practices, so that just as part of your ordinary day, you can maintain, so that you can keep up once you have caught up to keep it in that space so that you don't feel you constantly have to dig your way out again. Because that's discouraging and it feels like a waste of time. Pretty soon, it starts to feel pointless and so you never do it at all. Then you just get surrounded by junk and that's not fun.

[0:10:19.3] MB: I've definitely have the personal experience of cleaning something, even something small up and feeling almost a surge of energy and focus. I think many listeners are probably had that experience as well. We've talked a little bit about that. Tell me a little bit more around is there science behind why this happens, or what is the research of the data say around why this is such a powerful phenomenon?

[0:10:41.3] GR: The research in this area is very interesting and spotty. It seems like what people are mostly trying to do is to find what is the best way? What is the environment that makes people most creative? Are people more creative in a messy place, or in a clean place? To me, this is completely misguided, because people are so different and what works for one person doesn't work for another.

You could say on balance, 51% of people are better off doing blah, blah. That doesn't give me any information. I want to know what works for me. The only way we know that is by thinking about ourselves. If you want evidence of this is a book called Daily Rituals by Mason Currey. I wish that it wasn't called daily rituals, because it's not really about rituals, it's about habits, it's about when do people get up, when do they go to sleep, how much do they drink? Are they drinking coffee or vodka? Are they with a lot of other people? Are they working in solitude?

These are people who are tremendously high performers; scientists, painters, writers, choreographers, inventors. What you see when you look at this, just this compendium is that people very dramatically, some people work alone, some people work in a crowded studio, some people work from morning to night, some people work a half an hour a day, some people drink tons of coffee, some people drink – they're drinking liquor day long.

What you realize with all these people is they have figured out what they need to do their best work and they get it. If you need to sleep late, you figure out a way to sleep late. If you want to get up early, you get up early. You know yourself and you do as much as you can to create the environment in which you can thrive. I think that the research really goes astray is trying to act like there's one best way. There just isn't one best way.

I mean, we know that from real life. You don't need to have undergraduates eating marshmallows to tell you that some people are morning people and some people are night people. Now there's tremendous research showing that some people are morning people and some people are night people, but the idea that we're going to decide okay, from 10:00 to 1:00 p.m. is the best time for people to work. It just doesn't matter if in general that's true statistically, because it's so individual in how it turns out.

You see this also with clutter. Some people, really they want bare counters, bare desks. I'm like this myself. Some people really thrive on piles. They feel unexpected juxtapositions stimulate their creativity, they can find whatever they want immediately, they're not bothered by looking for things, that's not a problem for them.

For me to say, “Oh, a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind.” You have to have a clean desk, because that's what works for me, or that's what some research shows. It doesn't matter, because that doesn't work for this person. This person feels their creativity is more inspired by this environment. I think really the question is self-knowledge. I know sometimes you can't have exactly the environment that you want, because you have to coordinate with other people. You have to think about the environment they want, or you have to think about the schedule that is practical, so we don't always have max – complete flexibility.

I think we have to start by thinking about well, if I could do anything, what would be my ideal? Then work from there rather than saying, “I need to fit myself into someone else's mold of the best way, the right way, the most efficient way, even if I know from experience this doesn't work for me at all.”

[0:13:57.7] MB: That's a great point. Daily Rituals is a fascinating book. I remember reading that several years ago and it definitely opened my mind. After reading it, I spent a long time thinking about how do I craft my ideal day and work to build and schedule and structure my time, so that I had meetings at certain times and productive time at certain times in a way that was aligned with my own biorhythms and energy levels and everything else.

[0:14:23.6] GR: Yeah, because I think sometimes people are like, “Well, somebody's going to tell me what I should do and I should just do that.” It’s often, it's just not a good fit, because it just isn't what works for you. Yeah, I think self-knowledge is really important, because you might not be able to have your ideal day, but if you don't even know what your ideal day is, then you probably are definitely not going to get it. Your chances are much higher once you know what you're aiming for, or what you would wish for if you could get it.

[0:14:46.9] MB: Another great point. You underscore something that's probably the most single recurrent theme on the entire podcast, which is this notion that self-knowledge really underpins anything. If you don't know what you want, if you don't know what you're capable of, you don't know what you're striving towards, it's going to be really hard to get there.

[0:15:04.7] GR: Well absolutely. It's funny, when I wrote The Happiness Project, I came up with my 12 personal commandments. My first commandment and my most important commandment is to be Gretchen. Now everybody has to substitute their own name obviously, but it's this idea of who am I? You think, “Well, nothing could be easier than knowing who I am. I just hang out with myself all day long.”

As you know, it's very easy to get distracted by the way we wish we were, or the way we assume we ought to be or should be, or what other people expect from us. We lose connection with what is true about us. I think it's one of the great challenges of our lives. We should really try to grapple with what is the truth about me. It's very hard to look directly in the mirror. In fact, I have a lot of questions that I ask myself and other people to say okay, you might not be able to see this directly, how can we indirectly shine a spotlight on something that you've overlooked?

[0:16:01.6] MB: Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. It's so hard sometimes to see your own habits, or foibles, or weaknesses with perfect clarity. There's the classic example of having a friend or neighbor come to you with a problem and you immediately see, “Oh, you need to do this, this, and this.” Yet, if you have the same problem, suddenly you're mired in confusion and second-guessing and not knowing what you're supposed to be doing.

[0:16:28.0] GR: Exactly. That's why one of the exercises they say is imagine that a friend came and told you this like, “Oh, I did this terrible thing.” It’s like, “Oh, we've all done it.” You would think nothing of it if a friend did it, but for you you're consumed with both remorse and regret. Yeah, it's funny how we just have – it's just hard to think about ourselves in the same way.

Another thing to do is to ask yourself uncomfortable questions. I love to ask people, whom do you envy? These are very interesting emotion, because it means that somebody has something that we wish we had. People don't like to admit envy. It's not an attractive emotion. It's a very uncomfortable emotion, but it's very revealing because if you're like, “I envy that person's travel. I envy that person’s side hustle. I envy that person's time spent on music.” Well, then that tells you that they have something that you wish you had for yourself.

Then somebody was like, “Oh, but couldn’t you just say this is admiration?” Because they wanted it – they didn't want to frame it in a negative way. I’m like, you have to embrace the negative aspect to it, because if you admire something – I might admire that somebody spends a lot of time in exotic travels, but I don't want to do exotic travels. I admire it. I don't want it for myself. Envy tells you something about yourself that maybe you don't always want to acknowledge, or that you've been ignoring.

[0:17:46.1] MB: What a great framework and excellent journal question to put to yourself and spend 10 or 15 minutes thinking about what do you envy, and start to understand that if nothing else, can start to give you some clarity about how do you want to be shaping your activities and desires and goals towards the things that you ultimately want?

[0:18:04.1] GR: This happened to me, because – I was clerking for Justice Sandra Day O'Connor. I was working as a lawyer and I was reading my law school alumni magazine where it has the reports of what everybody in your class – all the different classes are doing. What I noticed is that when I read about people who had very, very interesting legal jobs, I had a sense of mild interest. When I read about people who had interesting writing jobs, I felt completely consumed with envy. I thought, “Whew, this is telling me something about myself, because I don't want any of these jobs that I'm reading about in law.” I can almost barely even stand to read about the people who have writing jobs, because it just upsets me so much. That was like, “Okay, well there's information there.” Uncomfortable information, but useful information.

[0:18:52.2] MB: I feel most useful things are often involved some form or fashion of discomfort.

[0:18:58.0] GR: Especially when it comes to self-knowledge, because I think a lot of times we don't want to admit what's true for ourselves. It's interesting, because there's this tension within self-knowledge, because on the one hand, we want to accept ourselves and the true nature of our temperament and our interests and our values and acknowledge what is true about ourselves, but we also want to expect more from ourselves. We want to go outside of our comfort zone. We don't want to be complacent. We want to be striving. A lot of times, that means doing things that make us feel uncomfortable, or angry, or frustrated, or we feel stupid.

On the one hand, to accept yourself and on the other hand, to expect more from yourself. Only you know the difference. Only you can say, is this something that you should accept about yourself? This is just something that's not right for you? Or is this something where you're like, “You know what? I really can do this.” Like public speaking, is this something that you're going to – you want to add, or is this something where you're like, “You know what? This is just not my thing.” Or bungee jumping. For some people they're like, “I should really do it. I'm going to feel great if I go bungee jumping. I'll be so happy I did it.” Then there are people like me where I'm like, “You know what? That's one thing. I'm just going to let go. I don't need to have that. Be Gretchen, bungee jumping is not for me.”

[0:20:03.6] MB: How do you think about, or what are some useful tools or heuristics you found for weighing that balance between self-acceptance and high expectations? That's something that personally I'm very interested in and I feel like spend a lot of time thinking about.

[0:20:18.7] GR: I don't think there's an easy solution. I'm sure as you say, you spent a lot of time thinking about it too. There's no easy solution. I think it's just rigorous and relentless self-examination. One thing that I do feel is helpful in decision-making, this is when you're trying to decide should I ask this of myself, or not? A very helpful question is to think, choose the bigger life. Often when things are described as the bigger life, it gives you a sort of element of clarity of what in your mind would be a bigger life.

Here's just a very mundane example, so everybody in my family really wanted to get a dog and I didn't want to get a dog. I was like, “It's going to be a big hassle. There's all this work. It's inconvenient. We're going to have a dog, this dog is going to live with us for longer than our own daughters live with us probably.” I was just like, the pros and the cons were very heavily weighted for me. I knew all the happiness research that pets make people happier, dogs make people happier and healthier. There's a lot of reasons to do it, a lot of reasons. For me, it was unbalanced. Then I thought, choose the bigger life.

Now the interesting thing about the question is for some people, the bigger life could be not getting a dog, because they'd be like, “If I don't get a dog, I'll have this money to spend on other things that are important to me, I'll have more freedom to do things that are important to me. This is this is going to lock me into a set of responsibilities that in the end, it's going to be very confining.” For me, the bigger life is not to have the dog.

For me, it was instantly clear that in our situation, the bigger life was the life with the dog. That allowed me to all of a sudden, I was walking away from my pros and cons list and the answer was very clear. I feel with accept yourself and expect more from yourself, sometimes you can say is this the bigger life? I remember when I started The Happier Podcast with my sister, I called her and I said, “This could be a huge flop in public. I'm just saying you need to be prepared that this is going to go nowhere. It's going to just be a giant failure and everyone's going to – anyone who looks is going to see it.”

She's like, “Totally. A 100% I'm in. Let's just do it.” That's the bigger life. Sometimes choosing the bigger life makes you see that it is worth the anxiety and the insecurity and the frustration and all the negative feelings that can come with when we try to push ourselves out of what is comfortable, because if it represents the bigger life, then that really can help shed a light on what's important to us. Because if it doesn't represent a bigger life, then maybe it isn't something that we want to do.

Everything has an opportunity cost. To do this is not to do that. Maybe this isn't the right thing. If it's not the bigger life, maybe in a week you'll discover something else and you'll have the opportunity and the time and the bandwidth to think about something else, because you're not getting distracted by somebody else's idea of what you should do. Because I think sometimes, that's a problem is people say, “Oh, you should do this, you should do that.” You're like, “Okay, I will.” It's like, “Should you do that? Maybe you should, but maybe you should be doing something completely different.” It's a struggle. It's a constant balance.

[0:23:11.8] MB: That's a very useful framework. I think the dog example is such a perfect way to illustrate it, because it shows you that with the exact same choice getting a pet, the bigger life can be completely opposite things for different people. Yet at the same time, that question is such a powerful forcing function to really think about how do you envision your best life and is this choice or decision putting you on a path towards those kinds of activities and things and experiences, or is it moving away from it?

[0:23:42.1] GR: Yeah, absolutely.

[0:23:44.4] MB: So interesting. We've diverged dramatically from the content of order, but I think it was a worthwhile exploration.

[0:23:51.5] GR: All these subjects are so interrelated. I mean, there's happiness, there's habits, there's order, there's the four tendencies which is my personality framework. I mean, what I love about this subject, which I would say it's all human nature. I would say that's what links all these things and unifies them is this question of human nature. Who are we? Why do we do what we do and how can we change if we want to change? Yeah, you can start in one place and end up someplace else, but it all feels it's part of a large unifying concept.

[0:24:22.3] MB: You bring up another really good, point which is essentially that – ctually two really good points; one is the essential notion that all reality is fundamentally interconnected. Whether you're talking about at a hard sciences level, or even in the domains of human activity, whether it's business, whether it's sport, anything that you're looking at, psychology often underpins all of those different things. Even the broader academic disciplines exist maybe within the academy as silos, but actually they're all describing pieces of reality. To be true, they all have to reflect and connect and incorporate the truths from all the other disciplines.

[0:24:59.2] GR: Well, it's fascinating that you say that because one of the things that I study most intensely is the great essayist from the past, like Montaigne, Samuel Johnson, William Hazlitt, [inaudible 0:25:11.4], because I feel that – William James even, because William James is scientific, but not totally scientific. If you read something like varieties of religious experience, I think that sometimes this thought to me reveals more about human nature, even than the academic research. I love the academic research. I read it constantly, but because of the way that science is done, it's very, very narrow. It's looking at one thing, we have to define all the terms the same way.

You can get distortions and you can also get that people look at things that they can study and they miss as you say, how things might connect. I often find that I will read something in Samuel Johnson and he will sum up in a single paragraph something that I'm like, “I can think of five research papers that are trying to tackle one little bit of something that he's making an observation about and that he's able to make a grand, just based on nothing. I’m Samuel Johnson and I'm here to just tell you what I think.” I'm like, “His insights are more profound.” I feel I've learned more about myself from reading this thing from the 1700s than reading the most up-to-date research.

I think that there's room for both things. I think there's absolutely the research is super important, but then I also think there are great thinkers who have these insights that are very worth pondering. I'm sure that the people doing the research often study folks to see what they're saying, or how they approach these questions from this very different perspective. There's a lot of ways to try to get insight into human nature. For me, that is one of the most powerful sources of insight.

[0:26:54.4] MB: That underscores the essential idea that it's so important to have a multidisciplinary perspective on anything that you're looking at, whether it's any single thing you're trying to study or understand, you have to bring in knowledge from all kinds of diverse fields to truly see the big picture and truly see and get a glimpse of the ultimate reality.

[0:27:16.3] GR: Well, it's interesting on exactly that point. I am a huge fan of the work of Gary Taubes, who wrote the case against sugar and why we get fat, good calories, bad calories. I read the book Why We Get Fat and overnight I changed everything about the way I eat. I mean, except for leafy green vegetables and chicken. I basically changed everything the way I ate and it had the most dramatic positive consequences for me. I was just completely convinced by his arguments, which was all about insulin function essentially.

Then my father did the same thing. I was like, “Oh, my life was completely changed by this book.” Then off my father goes and he did it too and he had even more dramatic good results. Gary Taubes, he's so convincing in his marshalling of arguments. One of the points that he makes in his area which is about basically metabolism, nutrition, hormones, all that stuff is that the specialists are so siloed that a lot of times they don't understand the true consequences of certain things they've discovered, how they might have relevance to someone who's looking at a very different problem.

You need someone who can step back and be like, “Okay, let's try to put all these pieces together and to think about the big system that's at work.” You need to have all the little itty-bitty systems and information about what's happening in these narrow areas. If you don't try to put them together, you often will miss a really important point because you're not standing far enough back. It's the forest for the trees problem. Especially when systems that are very interrelated, because you only focus on one thing; you may come to the wrong conclusion, because you don't understand how it's actually working in a larger system that might have a very different consequence than the one that you anticipate.

[0:28:54.6] MB: That's one of the guiding principles behind why we started Science of Success and why I'm constantly for a long time listeners have heard me rattle on about the importance of mental models again and again, because incorporating all these different disciplines and all this knowledge gives you such a much richer perspective on anything you're trying to tackle, or understand, or achieve.

[0:29:16.8] GR: For me, I think reading is how I try to do that. It’s just constantly reading. Because I feel with reading, it's a good – I just feel I'm often forced to think through something from a different perspective, or to be confronted with people who argue things that I don't agree with, or who are telling stories about characters who have thoughts or impulses that I would completely disagree with, or can't understand and going through that is a constant way of testing my own thoughts and like, have I gotten stuck in one way of thinking, or am I assuming that I'm right when it's really –

This is one of the problems that I found for myself as I've gotten deeper and deeper. Often I would think, well I'm right, instead of saying this is what's true for me. I really now have a much greater appreciation of how – people have vastly different perspectives on the world. You think, oh, the world – this is what you think. The world is the world. We see what we see. You can reframe if you want to whatever, the facts are the facts. No. My gosh, people have vastly different understandings of what's happening; what's right and wrong, what's preferable, what's valuable, even things like who's being polite.

A great way to see this play out is if I – every time I go to someone's office, I always make a beeline for the kitchen and look at all the signs that are posted in the office kitchen. Because if you want to see the variety of human nature, you look at what people have to say about what you should do with your dirty dishes, because people have really, really different philosophies about what the right behavior is. They absolutely do not understand why anybody would disagree with them and they think it's just barbaric, that anyone is deviating from what they think is right.

It's not that they're wrong. It's just actually people have very different ideas about what's right to do in an office kitchen. Unless you sit down and have a two-hour conversation about it, you don't know, you just see a lot of passive-aggressive signs posted on the sink. Because people have different views, they really see the world in different ways.

[0:31:12.5] MB: Dishes is a great microcosm to understand how all of – I mean, as you said, you could spend hours and hours unpacking the histories and the psychological biases and the upbringings and everything that leads to this one little eruption of a clash over how to handle a dirty dish when there's an entire worldview that underpins that.

[0:31:35.1] GR: No. The thing is people don't – they just think, if you don't do what I think is right, you're either dumb, or you're completely inconsiderate. They don't understand, like and I can even go through this because I've talked to so many people about it, like the different worldviews. Like you say, it’s not that they are like, “Oh, ha, ha, ha. You're the sucker.” They have a view about how to do this right. Who's to say who's right or who's wrong?

This is why in my view, it should be someone's job. Anything that people are – people should just pitch in, I'm like, people are going to have very different views about what is right and how to do it and how often and who should do what and what are people's proper roles and contributions, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, this can go on forever. Have it be someone's job. Have it be someone's job. Have them to get paid for it, have them get recognized for it. If you're like, “Oh, it's someone's job to put away the coffee cups, do I feel being nice to this person and doing it myself? Maybe I do,” but no one's volunteering to do this. If I don't do it, it's not – I think it should be a job. Everything if you want it to be done, have it be a job.

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[0:34:19.9] MB: You brought up another really good point a moment ago as well, which is this idea that there's a huge difference between the seemingly truth-oriented, or objective statement I'm right and this is what's right for me. That applies to what we're just talking about in terms of even small situations of social norms, etc., but it comes all the way back to what we're talking about earlier as well with constructing your own daily rituals and habits and routines and understanding that in some cases, it's not necessarily there's one truth, but rather it's about figuring out what is true for you.

[0:34:52.4] GR: Well and one way this comes up very often is morning people and night people. This is a real thing. It's largely genetically determined and also a function of age. There's an amazing book called Internal Time by Roenneberg, which is absolutely fascinating on the subject of chrono types.

I remember a friend of mine said to me, “You know, my resolution for this year is I'm going to get up early and go running before work every day.” I was like, “No, you're not. Because I know you and you're a night person. You're least productive and efficient and creative first thing in the day.” Like, show me pieces of paper that say the best thing to – why this is a good, efficient smart thing to do, I can show you all the research in the world about why you should do it before you go to work, but I'm just here to say you're not going to do that, because you're a night person.

Instead of setting yourself up for failure and frustration, set yourself up for success. Exercise at lunch, exercise at 4:00 in the afternoon. Because the fact that it makes sense on paper, or it might be more convenient, you've just got to – you get what you get and you don't get upset about yourself. Thinking that, “Oh, it's more efficient to do that.” It’s like, yeah, except that it doesn't get done at all. How efficient is that? Not.

I think that making people think that there's one right way, or best way often becomes a hurdle, because if that way doesn't work for them, they just keep thinking, “Well, I need to just work on that till I can make it happen.” I mean, I was giving a talk me guy was saying, “Oh, for years and years and years I tried to be a morning person, but finally I just buckled down and I did it and here itself, well I turned myself in a morning person.”

I was like, “Yeah, how old are you? You're 55-years-old. You're experiencing the morning person stuff that happens with age. If you were 28-years-old, I assure you would not be saying this.” He's like, “You're right. At 28, I couldn't have done this.” I'm like, “Right?” I mean, it's not that it's not a good idea, it's just that it's not practical because it's not going to work at all for some people. I'm always thinking there's so many ways for us to achieve our aims. If one way doesn't work for you, then go on to something else. Experiment, learn. If something doesn't work, you learn something about yourself. That's valuable too.

One thing that works for a lot of people is don't break the chain. Some people love that. If that works for you, that's great. It's a very powerful strategy. If don't break the chain makes you feel choked and trapped, okay then you learn that about yourself. You're not going to use don't break the chain, there's a million other ways to achieving it.

[0:37:12.6] MB: What is don't break the chain? I've never heard of that.

[0:37:14.8] GR: Oh, don't break the chain it's just you're going to keep track of how often you've exercised, or how often you've done meditation, or whatever, how often you eaten less than 50 grams of carbs in a day and you're just going to check it off. You're going to build up a chain of the X marks the spot on your calendar and the chain is the chain of successes. For many people, this is very, very compelling. They'll get up to 465 X's on their chain and then they get the flu or whatever.

For some people, they really love that, but then some people don't like that. It's like, okay fine. This is not the best tool. It might have worked really well for me, I might say this is the best tool, but it's not a tool that's universally useful. To-do lists; in my personality framework, the four tendencies – I mean, there's a sizable number of people who cannot use to-do lists. Fine. They constantly beat themselves up, because they're like, every grown up in the world uses to-do list. I'm like, “No, they don't.” A lot of people don't like to-do list. There's other ways to achieve your aims. If this is a tool that doesn't work for you, just move on. There's nothing wrong with you. You don't need to change, you just need to find a tool that fits you, because everybody's always trying to cram themselves into some model, but that model – there are very, very few universal things. I'm constantly trying to figure out what’s universal. Just about nothing is universal.

I wrote a book Happier at Home. Some people don't even have the idea of home. Not many people. Most people have some idea of home, but some people really don't and that's pretty – you think, well that's got to be pretty universal.

[0:38:51.3] MB: Yeah. So many ways we could we could explore into that. I'll throw a couple – obviously all the links we've talked about today, also throw a couple previous episodes we have. We interviewed Daniel Pink and he talks all about the different time chrono types and everything, we'll throw that in the show notes. We have a couple other episodes around habits and stuff for listeners who want to dig in more.

I think you brought a really good point up, which is the importance of adherence to anything that you're doing and a habit that you actually do is even if it's not the optimal strategy, is a hundred times more valuable than a habit that's the optimal strategy that you do once or twice and then stop doing completely.

[0:39:25.9] GR: Yeah, there's a great line from Voltaire, “Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” That's very important to remember. The thing that you do is much more valuable than the perfect thing you never – that you don't do. Yeah. It's the whole, don't get it perfect, get it going. I mean, it is very, very important to remember.

For listeners who want to concretely implement, or apply some of the ideas and strategies that we've talked about today, what would be a couple, or one particular action item, or action step for them to start implementing either some of the ways to create order in their lives, or to implement some of the other themes we've talked about?

[0:40:03.8] GR: Well, when it comes to outer order, I think a very valuable question – because one of the first things is how do you decide what to keep and what to either discard, or recycle, or donate, or whatever? Is do you need it, do you use it, do you love it? Because if you don't need it, use it, or love it, then you probably don't need it. That's the cord to the appliance from nowhere. If you don't need it, use it, or love it, that's something that's really failed to test and probably needs to go.

Another thing to remember is don't get organized. People are often like, “My first thing I'm going to do, I'm going to get organized.” If you get rid of everything, you don't need, don't use, don't love, you may not need to get organized. You may not need to run out and buy a filing cabinet if you realize that you don't need to keep any of that paperwork. I was just talking to a guy the other day and he went through all his paperwork and he realized a huge portion of it, strangely enough, was pet insurance. Paperwork and paperwork and paperwork related to his pet insurance and he realize it's all online. He could just get rid of all of it. It’s not like it didn't have to be organized. Don't get organized. Get rid of everything you don't want and then you may not need to get organized at all.

Another idea that works for a lot of people is the one minute rule; anything that you can do in less than a minute, do without delay, because this gets rid of those little tasks. Then often when those little tasks are cleared out, the big tasks seem easier and they also stand out more. It's like, “Oh, now that I've gotten rid of all this little stuff, I see that I do have this one big pile. Maybe I'll just do a couple things every time I walk by the pile.” Then pretty soon, even the thing that looks like the biggest mess if you really just tackle it little by little, usually it's pretty – it’s something that you can you can get under control, once you really are making a consistent effort to tackle it.

[0:41:44.1] MB: With the example of the pet insurance, that's definitely something I've discovered I had an epiphany probably three or four years ago. I realized all these manuals and instruction booklets and everything that I've been keeping for all my electronics and everything, you just Google what to do and it's all online, and you can even find the actual manual online, but you're probably better off just finding a three-minute YouTube video where someone shows you exactly how to do it. Yet, I was keeping stacks and stacks and stacks of all these things and I threw them all away.

[0:42:10.3] GR: Yeah. I mean, I completely agree. Or you keep travel information. Travel information gets outdated so quickly. A lot of research, it's like – research just go stale, unless you really want to push yourself not to hang on to those things. Or people rip out pictures of, “Oh, I love the way this looks.” Or, “Someday, I'm going to do my dream kitchen.” I’m like, “Look, five years from now when you move and you're going to renovate your kitchen, you're not going to be looking back at this.” I mean, it's just not realistic.

Sometimes people like to just rip things out or hold on to things just I think almost as a way of just claiming it. If you want to do that, that's fine, or bookmarking it, but then let it go. It served its purpose. I think really looking at that color. I mean, one thing to do is to think about how technology creates a clutter that we can get rid of. If you only take pictures and videos on your phone, do you need a camera and a video camera and a charging cable and all that stuff? Probably not. Do you need a scanner? Do you need a fax machine? Do you need a photocopier? Maybe not. Do you need a compass? Does anybody have a compass? I bet some people have a compass. You don't need a compass.

There's certain kinds of things that we just don't need. Alarm clock; do you ever use an alarm clock? Maybe you do. A lot of people say you should use an alarm clock instead of your phone and keep your phone out of your room. Maybe you do that. Maybe you don't, maybe you just use your phone. In which case, why do you have an alarm clock in every room? Sometimes they seem useful and they're there, and so we don't realize actually, I don't even ever – I haven't used this thing in three, four years. Getting rid of it will just open up that space in our lives.

[0:43:44.7] MB: A lot of times and I can almost hear listeners asking me this question, because I get questions like this very frequently, I don’t know, in my e-mail. What we talked about today, this idea that so many things are very context-dependent. It might work in one context, it might not work in another context. It might be right for you, it might be completely wrong for you, can create almost a analysis paralysis. What prescription would you give to somebody who's listening who now feels even more lost or confused, how can they see through the haze or start to get clarity around figuring out what's going to actually work for them?

[0:44:21.9] GR: I would just say, do you need to use – do you love it? Just everything that is in your area, just say that, because that's very clear. I mean, the pet insurance, do you need it? No. Do you use it? No. You don't need it because it's online. Do you use it? No, I never look back on it. Do you love it? Certainly not. Okay, get rid of it. I think that's very clarifying.

One famous question is Marie Kondo’s Spark Joy, I think that that's a much tougher question as I'm like, “Ah, it doesn't spark joy, except that it's useful to me and I guess, everything that's useful sparks joy.” Then that feels it's not really being true to what the idea of sparking joy is. Then I get in caught in this tangle of what is joy anyway and is workmanship enough, blah, blah blah? I'm like, “Do I use it? Do I need it? Do I love it?” Because there's a lot of things I don't even really like, but I use them all the time. It’s like yeah, I use it. I think that is a question we can eliminate a lot of decision fatigue.

With clothes, people often are like, “Ah, I could wear it. I should wear it. I would wear it. Do you wear it? Do you use it? Do you need it? Do you love it?” Now because sometimes we have things that are very useful, even though we don't use them very often. This is why I don't like the one-year test, because sometimes people are like, “If you haven't used it in a year, get rid of it.”

What about heavy ski pants? I don't even ski, but I have ski pants because I'm a super cold person. When it's very, very cold in New York City when I leave, I just wear ski pants all day. Some years it's not that cold and I don't even use the ski pants, but then the day comes and I'm like, “I'm going to get out the ski pants.” I use them and I do – when the need arises, I do need them. Even maybe two years would go by when I don't need them. I think that is the helpful test.

[0:46:05.0] MB: Just adding a tiny bit on to that to extrapolate this idea out beyond even creating order to rituals and habits more broadly and trying to figure out whether they work for you, whether they're right for you, you brought up a great point earlier as well which is this idea of experimentation and how useful that can be for figuring out which habits and strategies are going to work best for you and are going to have the highest adherence rate for you. What are you going to actually do.

[0:46:29.7] GR: Yeah. Now that's a huge theme in the book Better Than Before, because obviously that's the million dollar question. It's not so much what should you do, but how can you get yourself to stick to the things that you want to do? Really, a helpful question in this regard is what have you succeeded in the past? Because a lot of times, people are failing at something now, but they have succeeded in the past, but they're ignoring the information that maybe would help them move forward.

If I said to my friend, was there a time when you exercised in the past? He's like, “Yeah, in college I would always go – I would go for a run right before dinner and I did that very consistently.” It’s like, okay so what are we learning from that? Are we learning that you need to go running before you eat? Are we learning that you need to run with a friend? Are we learning that you need to run in the afternoon? I would say, I think it's the time of day. I think your adherence goes up when it's later in the day, because that's when you have higher energy.

Maybe that's not it. Sometimes people are like, I thought of the class was because I knew I was paying, but it turned out it wasn't the paying, it was seeing a friend. Or it turned out it wasn't seeing a friend, it was knowing that if I didn't come to the class, somebody else wasn't able to take my slot and my feeling of guilt about taking a slot from someone else who would otherwise been able to go to a class, that's what made me go.

Understanding why sometimes you succeed and other times not, often can really guide your experimentation because you'll see, well what are those factors that are coming into play? If you've never succeeded, you've never done, it maybe you've never tried to do it, just to say, “I'll try it this way. If this doesn't work after a good solid try, try it at a different time of day, or I'll try –” Ask around. What’s worked for other people? If something sounds appealing to you. Maybe it's hard for you to exercise unless you're training for the marathon, or training for a big run. Okay, that's a thing that works.

I hate that. I would never do that. I don't like that idea. I don't like games. Competition would make something less fun for me, but maybe for you you’ll pickup basketball game every week, would be much more likely to keep you exercising. Then once you do it once a week you're like, “Hey, I could do this twice a week.” Then, “Hey, maybe I want to go running another night because it's going to help my game.” Once you start, you can start building on it.

You're absolutely right, experimentation is crucial. Sometimes people get discouraged. They're like, “There's one way to do this. I can't do it that way. What's wrong with me?” Instead of saying, “Okay, that's a data point. Let's move on to the next opportunity. What else can I try?” If you look around, you'll see there's a lot of ways to achieve aims. There's a lot of ways to get done whatever you want to get done, so just figure out what works for you.

[0:49:04.2] MB: Gretchen, where can listeners find you and all of your work online?

[0:49:09.7] GR: I have a site, gretchenrubin.com and there's a huge amount of information there. I post frequently about my adventures and happiness and good habits in human nature. There's also tremendous resources, all kinds of discussion guides and one-pagers. There's excerpts and audio clips of my books. If you're thinking, “Oh, I want to see if this book is for me,” you can read free, or listen free there. Just a ton of – There's a quiz. We briefly mentioned the Four Tendencies Framework. If you want to know if you're an upholder, questioner, obligor or rebel, which is very relevant to this, you can take the free quiz there. I think two million people have taken that quiz now.

Then I also have a podcast called Happier with Gretchen Rubin, which I do every week with my sister Elizabeth, where we talk about how to be happier. We talk about a lot of these ideas, but very practical ways. Our first segment has always tried this at home, it's always a suggestion, a concrete idea that you could try at home. It's just part of your ordinary routine. Happiness hacks, like the little hacks that we all find from time to time that can boost our happiness. It's really fun and very concrete.

Then I'm on social media everywhere under the handle Gretchen Rubin and I love to connect with readers and listeners and viewers. If you have thoughts, or insights, or questions, or observations, hit me up.

[0:50:21.3] MB: Well Gretchen, thank you so much for coming on the show and sharing all this wisdom. Been a great conversation.

[0:50:27.7] GR: I so appreciate it. I feel like we could talk all day. We're interested in so many of the same things.

[0:50:31.7] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you, our listeners master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.

March 28, 2019 /Lace Gilger
Decision Making, Focus & Productivity
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Your Brain is Playing Tricks On You - 18 Surprising Biases That Control Your Life with Dr. Daniel Crosby

March 21, 2019 by Lace Gilger in Focus & Productivity, Money & Finance

In this episode we discuss why it’s so important to study and understand psychology if you want to master any aspect of life. We look at evolutionary science behind how your brain can often play tricks on you. We share a simple and impactful model from psychology for dealing with stressful and tough situations, and we discuss the dangerous illusion of the “quest for certainty” and how you should actively embrace taking risks in your life with our guest Dr. Daniel Crosby. 

Dr. Daniel Crosby is a psychologist and behavioral finance expert who helps organizations understand the intersection of mind and markets. His most recent book, The Behavioral Investor, provides an expert look at the useful mix of psychology and investment science. His work has appeared in the Huffington Post and Risk Management Magazine, as well as his monthly columns for WealthManagement.com and Investment News.

  • In order to understand how the financial and capital markets work - we have to understand human behavior.

  • Since almost everything we do is largely a function of interacting with humans - in order to understand life, business, the world - we have to understand human behavior and the human mind

  • Psychology underpins most of reality - in order to understand anything you have to understand the human mind. 

  • Human nature is the “bottom turtle” in most disciplines and facets of reality

  • Evidence based growth is a powerful niche - because the leadership and personal development space is full of voodoo, bad thinking, and wrong common sense 

  • The evidence based approach is harder but ultimately much more fulfilling and impactful

  • Things that have served us well from an evolutionary perspective often serve us poorly in the modern world and the financial markets 

  • Loss aversion is a great example of a pro-evolutionary trait that malfunctions in modern society 

  • The human brain hasn’t been upgraded in over 200,000 years. 

  • Your 200,000 year old brain is trying to cope with systems that are tens if not hundreds of years old - this leads to a number of problems and issues. 

  • We are wired to act - we feel a burning need to take action and do something - and yet often times the best investment strategy is to do nothing 

  • In the world of investing - the less you do, the better off you are. The research is crystal clear on this. 

  • The best performing investors are people who either died or forgot about their trading account! 

  • “Success begets failure.” As you win, you become more convinced of your skill, and you start to make worse and worse decisions,  becoming sloppy and undisciplined 

  • You must be a rules based, systematic investor when it comes to decision-making. 

  • Bad design —> bad decision —> bad outcomes.

  • Set great rules and follow them slavishly. 

  • Most people self report incorrectly. They think they work more than they do and they think they have less free time than they do. You probably under-report to yourself how much time you spend on TV. 

  • You have more free time than you give yourself credit for. 

  • The free time we’ve gained as a society has been replaced minute for minute with watching TV. 

  • There is a very real, physical side, of dealing with stressful and difficult situations

  • Before you do any interventions to prevent anxiety - you can get a HUGE amount of mileage out of taking basic care of your body - sleeping better, drinking less caffeine, getting in some moderate exercise.

  • People who have to pee are better at managing risk. “Inhibitory spillover.”

  • There is a huge interplay between the mind and the body.

  • The more you study performance and achievement - you see again and again that success is about the mastery of the basics, there is no magic bullet. 

  • The “RAIN" model for dealing with stress (based on cognitive behavioral therapy) 

    • Recognition

    • Acceptance

    • Investigation

    • Non-identification

  • Catastrophizing often puts us in a negative spiral.

  • Emotional states are fleeting - they don’t define you. 

  • We are more than what happens to us - at any time we can change our RESPONSE to any stimulus. 

  • Self esteem science is junk science. 15,000 studies were examined on self esteem - and what they found was that the research was largely junk, and self esteem has no predictive ability on achievement. 

  • There is NO substitute for TAKING RISK, DOING HARD THINGS and SINKING AND SWIMMING ON YOUR OWN MERITS. 

  • The only way that you will truly feel good about yourself is by taking risk and putting yourself out there. 

  • The biggest risk of all is not taking any risk. 

  • In our best efforts to protect ourselves from harm we bring about the very thing we are trying to avoid. You aren’t really protecting yourself - you’re brining about the absolute realization of what you’re really scared of. 

  • The quest for certainty is very dangerous. There is uncertainty. It’s part of the game. The alternative of embracing uncertainty is to always settle for the lowest common denominator.

  • Once you own the fact that the world is uncertain, it changes your perspective. 

  • The goal is to tip the scales of probability in your favor.

  • In an uncertain world, process and evidence are the core things to focus on. Control what’s controllable.

  • Look for models for living that are data driven and make common sense.

  • If something seems to good to be true it probably is.

  • Personal progress and investment success involves sacrifice and discipline and hard work.

  • The “backfire effect” - often times when presented with data and evidence that disagrees with people’s world view, people often become MORE committed to their idea or belief than they were before. 

  • Meet people who don’t share your beliefs and try to understand why they hold the beliefs that they do. 

  • Homework: Go somewhere that makes you uncomfortable.

  • Homework: Seek first to get your own house in order. Take a hard look at yourself. 

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Want To Dig In More?! - Here’s The Show Notes, Links, & Research

General

  • [Social] Daniel Crosby Twitter

  • [Social] Daniel Crosby LinkedIn

  • Daniel’s Podcast Standard Deviations

  • Daniel’s Site for Nocturne Capital

Media

  • [Article] PubMed - “Inhibitory spillover: increased urination urgency facilitates impulse control in unrelated domains” by Tuk MA, Trampe D, and Warlop L.

  • [Article] Psychology Today - “Let it R.A.I.N.” by Rick Hanson Ph.D.

  • [Article] “Backfire effect” Posted by: Margaret Rouse

  • [Article] Think Advisor: 'Buy What You Know' Is 'Dumb Advice' By Jane Wollman Rusoff

  • [Article] Think Advisor: 3 Behavioral Biases That Hurt Investors By Ginger Szala

  • [Article] Abnormal Returns: Q&A with Daniel Crosby author of The Behavioral Investor

  • [Article] Brinker Capital Blog: “You will never regret your vacation” by Dr. Daniel Crosby

  • [Article] ETF Trends: “Five Questions: Behavior in Investing With Dr. Daniel Crosby” by Jack Forehand

  • [Article] NerdEcon: A Book Review: The Laws of Wealth by Nicholas Haberling

  • Wealth Managment .com Author Directory

  • [Podcast] Listen money Matters - The Laws of Wealth – A Chat With Daniel Crosby

  • [Podcast] EO Fire - 1846: Behavioral finance and the science of being less stupid with Dr. Daniel Crosby

  • [Podcast] Patrice Washington - Dr. Daniel Crosby: The Best Thing You Can Do is Nothing

  • [Podcast] Art of Manliness - #222: The Laws of Wealth

  • [Podcast] Part-Time Money - 035: The Secrets to Investing Success and Building Wealth with Author Dr. Daniel Crosby

Videos

  • Daniel’s YouTube Channel

  • The Laws of Wealth: Psychology and the Secret of Investing Success

  • The 10 Commandments of Behavioral Finance

  • TEDTalks - TEDxHuntsville - Daniel Crosby - You're Not That Great: A Motivational Speech

  • TEDTalks - Sex, Funds, & Rock N' Roll: Daniel Crosby at TEDxHuntsville

  • TEDTalks - Can being weird make you rich and happy?: Daniel Crosby at TEDxBYU

  • TEDTalks - Value Investing and Behavioral Finance - Dr. Daniel Crosby

  • InvestmentNews - Daniel Crosby: Emotion and Investing

  • InvestmentNews - Daniel Crosby: The future is behavioral

  • Municipal Employees' Retirement System of Michigan - Dr. Daniel Crosby - Keynote Speaker

Books

  • The Behavioral Investor by Daniel Crosby

  • Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

  • The Laws of Wealth: Psychology and the secret to investing success by Daniel Crosby and Chuck Widger

  • Personal Benchmark: Integrating Behavioral Finance and Investment Management  by Daniel Crosby and Chuck Widger

  • You're Not That Great  by Daniel Crosby

Episode Transcript

[0:00:04.2] MB: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host Matt Bodnar.

Welcome to the Science of Success. The number one evidence based growth podcast on the internet. With more than three million downloads and listeners in over a hundred countries.

In this episode, we discuss why it’s so important to study and understand psychology if you want to master master any of life. We look at the evolutionary science behind how your brain often playas tricks on you. We share a simple and impactful model from psychology for dealing with stressful and tough situations and we discuss the dangerous illusion of the quest for certainty and how you should actively embrace taking risks in your life. With our guest Dr. Daniel Crosby.

I’m going to tell you why you’ve been missing out on some incredibly cool stuff if you haven’t signed up for our email list yet. All you have to do to sign up is to go to successpodcast.com and sign up right on the home page. On top of tons of subscriber only content, exclusive access and live Q&A’s with previous guests, monthly giveaways and much more. I also created an epic free video course just for you.

It’s called, “How to Create Time for What Matters Most, Even When You’re Really Busy”. Email subscribers have been raving about this guy. You can get all of that and much more by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the home page. Or, by texting the word “smarter” To the number 44222 on your phone. If you like what I do on Science of Success, my email list is the number one way to engage with me and go deeper on what I discuss on the show, including free guides, actionable takeaways, exclusive content and much, much more.

Sign up for my email list today by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the home page. Or, if you’re on the go, if you’re on your on the go, if you’re on your phone right now, it’s even easier. Just text the word “smarter” to the number 44222. I can’t wait to show you all the exciting things you’ll get when you sign up and join the email list.

[0:02:35.1] MB: In our previous episode, we asked, “How do you make decisions that let you see beyond your everyday inbox, busy work and the demands of others?” We uncovered that there are huge mismatches between how you think you spend your time and how you actually spend it.

We shared how you can deal with the fear and the reality of disappointing other people and not meeting their expectations and we shared one simple strategy in 30 minutes that can help you reclaim control of your time, with our guest Laura Vanderkam. If you want to finally take control of your time, listen to our previous episode.

Now, for our interview with Daniel.

Today, we have another exciting guest back on the show, Dr. Daniel Crosby. Daniel is a psychologist and behavioral finance expert who helps organizations understand the intersection of the mind and the markets. His most recent book, The Behavioral Investor provides and expert look at the useful mix of psychology and investment science.

His work has appeared in the Huffington Post, Risk Management Magazine as well as wealthmanagement.com and Investment News.

Daniel, welcome back to the science of success.

[0:03:47.1] DC: Great to be here, thanks for having a repeat guest.

[0:03:49.8] MB: Yeah, absolutely, well we’re excited to have you back on the show, there’s some really great examples and research studies and things you pull out in the book, we thought it would be a great opportunity to not only look at a lot of these concepts and the context of the financial markets but also really expound upon them even more broadly and share these ideas with the listeners.

To begin, one of the themes, or kind of core ideas that you begin the book with is this notion that in order to understand how the capital markets work or in layman’s terms, how the stock market or the financial markets work, we have to understand human nature, tell me about that idea?

[0:04:27.6] DC: The idea is that capital markets, stock markets are human creations that are driven up and down by humans and so it’s only as we understand human behavior that we truly understand capital markets. I think a lot of novices in the stock market will say, you know, “The way that this works is I look for good companies and I buy them and then I’ll do well.”

Unfortunately, it’s not that quite easy and there’s a whole lot of irrationality, there’s a ton of psychology and human nature that’s baked into market. So that’s the thing that makes them frustrating but that’s also the thing that makes them exciting for people like me is, it’s not just accounting, right? It’s actually a canvas on which we’re painting the human struggle and that is what makes it so fascinating for me.

[0:05:11.8] MB: I think you could even go one step further and extrapolate this idea, since almost everything we do is largely a function of human interaction whether it’s business, whether it’s life, the world at large, the reality is that in order to understand almost anything, especially how the world works, we have to begin with the understanding of human behavior and the human mind.

[0:05:34.1] DC: Well, I think that’s exactly right and that’s one of the things that I love to joke about is how being a psychologist is so great because we can co-opt every other discipline effectively, right? Even when I’m watching The Super Bowl and yawning as was the case this week. Even as I’m watching The Super Bowl, all of this is just psychology, it’s all the same things we see in capital markets.

It’s human behavior, it’s momentum, it’s coming back from defeat, it’s keeping your head held high. Absolutely, almost anything you would ever encounter has human nature as sort of the bottom most hurdle. I give this example in the book of how we used to think that atoms, we have this notion of atoms early on but we used to think that they look like little solar systems basically.

We thought everything was sort of a fractal that was solar systems all the way down, everything was just sort of a little solar system within a larger system within a larger system and it’s only as we understood sort of the fundamental parts of an atom that we’re able to harness atomic power to either fuel a city or demolish a city and I say the same thing about human nature. It’s only as we understand that human beings are the thing that’s at the very bottom of this.

We can understand a handful of the tendencies to which we’re most prone that we’re able to create systems and processes to help us master markets and help us master ourselves. I think a correct understanding of human behavior’s a prerequisite as you said to almost any successful endeavor.

[0:07:14.5] MB: That’s such a great point and in many ways, really, the reason why we embark many years ago to begin and start the science of success to follow the same quest that you’ve applied within the discipline of finance but much more broadly of how do we understand the human mind and how do we look at specific instances of when our brains might malfunction or short-circuit and learn from those mistakes or those biases and how they can impact our behavior.

[0:07:42.3] DC: Well, at the risk of putting words in your mouth, you know, your podcast, your show is all about evidenced based growth and I think that’s such a powerful niche because in the sort of human progress personal development, leadership space, there’s so much voodoo and there’s so much sort of bad thinking and common sense that it’s refreshing to see someone like you doing what you're doing.

I’m trying to bring that same thing to markets and the reason that I wrote this book relatively hot on the heels of another book is because I was going to conferences and hearing all this sort off folk wisdom passed down from trading coaches and you know, different people who are trying to make help traders and hedge fund folks and asset managers make better decisions.

You know, knowing the research as I did, I knew that some of what they were saying was inconsistent with the research. I want us to be evidence based investors, just the same way that you’re about evidence based growth and I think the evidence based approach is sometimes counterintuitive, it’s almost always harder to swallow because it usually asks more of us but I think it’s ultimately more fulfilling and has more power to get you where you’re going.

[0:08:55.7] MB: Great insight and you know, one of the things I really enjoyed about your book is this idea that there’s a number of concepts, mental models, et cetera throughout the book that apply to the financial markets but obviously everybody who is listening here isn’t necessarily a trader or someone involved in that world and yet, I think there’s some really fruitful insights that we can pull out of them.

One of them just to dig a little bit deeper was one of the early ideas you talk about in the book is this idea of how humans or how the brain in general as we’ve been talking about is this thing that evolved over thousands, millions of years and yet it’s been thrown into modern society which is developed in the last couple of hundred years.

There’s all kinds of areas in places where the brain short circuits or misfires and cause us to do something that feels right and seems like it’s a good idea but ultimately is a really bad decision.

[0:09:50.6] DC: Yeah, I think one of the most important themes of the book as you said is that things that have served us well evolutionarily, often serve us poorly in capital markets. If you look at something like loss aversion, you know, our fear of dying or our fear of losing something, that served us very well over time.

There used to be 11 or 12 different humanoid species and we wiped them all out and the reason that we’re still here and they’re not is because honestly, because we were a little more cowardly than they were. We were more fearful, we were more prone to pack up and move on, we were more prone to run back in the cave and hide than they were.

Their bravery got them killed ultimately and that led us to procreate and to thrive. But the same sort of fearful mindset that kept us safe on the Savannah's of Africa keeps us all in cash through this roaring bull markets and doesn’t lead us to compound our wealth in a way that keeps up with inflation.

You know, likewise, the brain itself hasn’t had an upgrade in in over 200,000 years. When they look at the skulls of our ancient ancestors, hundreds of thousands of years ago, they can hypothesize that their brains look just like ours. We’ve got these 200 year old brains that are trying to cope with financial markets that are about 400 years old. Developed financial market’s only about 400 years old. The brain evolved to help us make quick split second decisions and the best investors have a profoundly long term mindset.

There’s a handful of ways in which the brain wants us to do one thing that’s comfortable and evolutionarily adaptive and it is exactly 180 degrees the opposite of what Wall Street demands of us to be successful.

[0:11:45.1] MB: One of those ideas that I really enjoyed and this is something that I uncovered back when I was doing a deep dive on Buffett and Monger is this idea of how we’re often wired to act and yet markets reward inaction. Tell me a little bit more about that?

[0:12:01.2] DC: Yeah, there’s some really fascinating studies on how markets reward us doing nothing, right? You think about almost every part of your life. I just got back from the gym, I’m trying to get fit like everyone else, early in the year, I’m still dedicated to my goals for the year but you know, I just got back from the gym so if I want to get stronger, I lift more weights.

If I want to get smarter, I read more books, if I want to get good at a job I spend more time on that job but when it comes to investing, we find again and again, that the less you do, the better of you are. Again, it’s the inverse of what you’d expect. There’s really great studies on this.

First of all, this has been studied in 19 different countries and in every country in which it’s been studied, the more active someone is, the more they mess with their account and check in to their account, the worse that they tend to do. There’s also a great study cited in James O’Shaughnessy book, What Works on Wall Street, where a large asset manager wanted to look at their retail accounts.

That’s like you know, your everyday mom and pop accounts. They wanted to drill down and understand, what were the behaviors of the best performing accounts in this large asset manager. They found that there were two things that these accounts had in common. The two things were that they had either forgotten that they had an account or that they had died.

You know, they go in looking for the evidence of skill and intellect and width and trading systems and what they find is you know, forgetfulness and death. We see again and again that our brains are wired to act but markets reward doing nothing.

[0:13:41.8] MB: Such a fascinating mental model and a great example of what’s completely counter intuitive. Because it’s so easy to get caught up in the fear, the need or the desire to constantly check your account to constantly pull things in and out to react to the news that’s always flashing and blaring and telling you about the latest crisis. I love the example of basically the best traders of the people who forgot that they had a trading account or the people who had died, it’s incredible.

[0:14:10.8] DC: Yeah, you’ve got research out of Taiwan that shows that one in 360 day traders are successful. Meanwhile, you’ve got the dead folks and the forgetful folks over here kicking butt. I mean, it is hard to wrap your mind around but these people who are sitting in front of four screens with every chart in the world on them are getting outperformed by people who are just going about their lives. But yet the research is unequivocal. It’s very strong at this point.

[0:14:38.2] MB: You know, another one of the examples you had was this idea of how success begets failure. How we can – how success can cause the becomes sloppy and undisciplined. Tell me a little bit more about that?

[0:14:51.8] DC: Yeah, there’s interesting reasons, psychological and physiological. In the book, I talk about – tried to take a deeper dive on the sociology, the physiology of some of these concepts. On the physiological reason why success begets failure. It has to do with the rush of testosterone. We find in the animal kingdom that animals, say rams who are fighting for lady rams or wait, I guess they’re sheep.

Anyway. Rams who are fighting for partners, right? They’re butting heads, they’re combatting one another, when they win, they’re flooded with testosterone and so they take on a bigger run, they’re feeling good, they’re feeling powerful, they take on another ram, beat that one , flooded with more testosterone.

At some point, this rush of testosterone, kind of goes to their head and they lose their critical thinking and decision making skills and they’ll bite off more than they could chew, they’ll take on an opponent that they have no business taking on because of this rush of testosterone.

We see that, John coached, the author of The Hour Between Dog and Wolf which is another excellent book. He studied this and people who were traders on the floor of the stock exchanges in New York and London. He found that successful traders have this extreme rush of adrenaline and testosterone when they were on a tear.

This caused them to become strangers to their rules, to let go of the risk management protocols, to take bigger and bigger risks just like a ram who is fighting for his lady. They took bigger and bigger risk that ultimately tended to end in their undoing and so you know, a big theme of the book is all around mental models, systems processes and following these plans rather than discretionary decision making, sort of you know, seat of your pants decision making.

Because very real sense. As you win, you become more convinced of your skill and you start to let go of what you know to be true, you start to let go of your rules.

[0:16:58.2] MB: You had a great, very simple heuristic for explaining this in the book which is this idea that bad design lead to bad decisions and lead to bad outcomes.

[0:17:08.3] DC: yYah, absolutely. Getting that design right is all important and one of the things that we have to be careful to do is to create a system that you can’t override because you know, in my personal life, I’m a rules based systematic decision maker with my investments but I tell you, there are times when I want to override those rules, there’s times when those rules look crazy to me and I’ll tell you, one of the most immediate example that comes to mind is when Trump won the election.

Love him or hate him, most people thought that this was going to bring a lot of uncertainty into the markets and people no less auspicious than Paul Krugman, a Nobel Prize winning economist for saying this is the end of the US market as we know it. Yet, all of my rules, all of my systems were saying no, stay the course, you know, all my signals were staying, keep doing what you’re doing and I was able to do that but man, everything in me was scared, you know?

Everything in me was scared that the market was going to crash and that hasn’t been the case, it’s been far from the case. It’s just one, I mean, you know, I think investors who have been at this a while can cite a hundred instances of where the design was telling you one thing and in your head was telling you another thing and you had to stick with those rules. There’s a great guy with the best audited track record, investment track record of all time.

A guy named Jim Simons who is an award winning mathematician and hedge fund “gillionaire”. He says we set great rules and we follow them slavishly and that’s something that I tried to live buy and in my investing life and in my personal life. There’s just things you need to do every day. Spend 30 minutes on self-development and reading something that’s going to feed your mind and your spirit, you know?

An hour at the gym, do whatever. There are going to be days when that doesn’t seem like the thing to do but I can promise you, if you can stick with it, over time, you’ll come out ahead.

[0:19:04.3] MB: The piece of that that’s sort of unsaid is this idea that it’s really important to spend a lot of time and energy on the front end, investing in building those rules, in building those decision criteria and creating the effective designs that you then put in place.

So many people get caught up in the reactivity of everyday life and never set aside a half a day or a few hours to really think through and do some homework and some research and say, what should these rules be and how should I set them up?

All the work is the hard part of sitting down on the front end and actually creating the system. After you’ve done that, it’s much easier to follow it.

[0:19:47.7] DC: I mentioned something in the book that I’ve not gotten any takers on but I say that asset managers should work four days a year, they should have access to their models and make tweaks perhaps quarterly or less and that they should spend the rest of their time reading.

Basically reading and contemplating and considering opinions that diverge from their own and you know, nobody’s taking me up on that but we have this idea that people need to be hammering away at a problem at all times of the night and day. We left very little time in modern life in this sort of cult of business that we’ve created for contemplation, for reflection, for creating mental models like you talked about that will do all of the work for us going forward.

If you can get it right that first time, you’re going to be so well served by just simply following that playbook and yet most of us I think in the corporate world are so trapped in the business of putting out every little fire that we don’t have time to be contemplative and I think that that’s a real dramatically to the detriment of people’s wellbeing and even to the detriment of the companies that we work for. I’m 100% on board with what you’re talking about.

[0:21:05.2] MB: How do people start to proactively create a time, the space, to build these better designs and create better decision criteria?

[0:21:16.3] DC: Well, I think the first thing we have to do is be honest with ourselves about how we spend our time. One of the most consistent findings in psychology is that people just miss apprehend and misreport their own behavior. If you ask people what their average workweek looks like and then you observe their average workweek. Most people say they work way more than they do.

Most people say they have much less free time than they actually do. If you ask people about stuff like you know, their TV consumption and stuff, they’re going to tend to report that – under report that by about 50%. I think the first thing we have to understand is, you’ve got time for the things that you value, we have to stop making excuses about how busy we are because most of us, you know, unless you’re working three jobs to just get by.

Most of us have more time than we give ourselves credit for, we as a civilization have more free time, more discretionary time than anyone has ever had in human history. A recent study I found showed that the free time that we have gained has been replaced minute for minute with watching TV. We have an inordinately increased amount of time relative to people who lived 50 and especially a hundred years ago and what have we done with that extra time?

Well, we stare at our phones and we watch Netflix. I think the very first thing you have to do is take ownership of your time to take ownership of how busy you are or not, and then allocate that time to stuff that has long term impact and not try and snow yourself as to how busy you really are.

[0:22:57.7] MB: I had a listener email me this week with a very similar story, how he used to feel trapped, how he used to feel like he never had any time, he was constantly putting out fires and after listening to a couple of different episodes of the podcast.

He had this breakthrough and realized that he was spending hours a day on things like Facebook and Instagram and all this stuff and completely shifted the way he was allocating his time and realized that he had tons and tons of free time that he could spend on all kinds of things and start to really focus on improving and developing himself and it’s amazing what – it’s almost like once you get a little wedge in there and crack open a little bit of that contemplative time, it really starts to compound on itself and create more and more time and more ability to focus.

[0:23:42.2] DC: Well that’s right, you know, I consider myself probably like most people, a good steward of time, I consider myself a reasonably productive person but then I got the new iPhone and it gives you a second by second reporting of how much time you’re spending on your phone and it’s shocking to me. You know, I get that report every week and I just think about the opportunity cost of the hours and hours.

I spend, staring at my phone or scrolling through Twitter or on angry birds or whatever. It’s like you know, I can be doing a lot of good in the world in the time that I spend, you know, the time that I waste on here. I think when you have a really candid look at yourself, you’ll see that you have more opportunity than you think.

[0:24:28.0] MB: I’m going to jump around a little bit because there is a number of different things I want to talk about from the book. One of the other interesting themes that you had was this idea of the physical side of dealing with stress and dealing with risk. Tell me a little bit more about that.

[0:24:46.0] DC: I think most people think about stress as almost entirely a psychological phenomenon and that’s partially true but there’s so much more we could be doing from a physiological standpoint. I have not always worked in finance, I was for a time and a season, a clinical psychologist and that’s what my PHD is in.

One of the things that I found very consistently is that people would present to me with things like sort of garden variety anxiety. It would come in and talk about how they’re being anxious, they were having panic attacks, things like this and I would always start with things like diet, exercise and nutrition and often, what I found is people were filling their bodies with insane amounts of you know, caffeine, they were sleeping poorly, they were not exercising, they were not surrounding themselves with the people that cared about them.

I would say, look, before we do anything else, you can get so much mileage with just having two cups of coffee a day and going on a 30 minute walks and nobody wants to hear that. Nobody – everybody wants the magic pupil, everybody wants you to speak the magic words into existence that are going to help them feel better but the mind and the body work in a reciprocal fashion and feed off of one another.

Yes, part of stress is mental and part of it is physical and it’s such an under appreciated way of managing stress is to watch what you eat, to manage your sugar intake, to decrease your consumption of caffeine and to get regular exercise. If everyone was doing these things, we would see a fraction of the cases of stress induced disorders that we do now.

There’s also interesting, one of probably my favorite study in the whole book talks about people’s willingness to take risk who had to pee. They found that people who had had a lot to drink and had to use the restroom were actually able to manage risk better than people who did not need to use the restroom.

They called it inhibitory spill over, basically, you were already inhibiting yourself, you’re already holding it, you’re already holding back and this tendency to hold back physically, generalized to a tendency to hold back psychologically and when taking financial risks. I think we are just beginning to scratch the surface of the inner play between the mind and the body and you know, I was happy to discover that the secret to being a great investor was just always needing to pee.

[0:27:25.4] MB: That’s a great example and it’s so fascinating. You know, the more I study performance and achievement, I see the same pattern again and again which is that success is not about finding a magic bullet, there are no magic bullets, it’s just about mastering the fundamentals and mastering the basics.

[0:27:45.0] DC: That’s exactly right.

[0:27:48.2] MB: You also shared in the book, when dealing with stress, a great model called the rain model, I’d love to hear more about that?

[0:27:58.4] DC: Yeah, the rain model, I think I cited two different places in the book and really, it is very intuitive and it just talks about recognizing, accepting, investigating and non-identification. So recognizing first like, “Okay, I am stressed” right? And then beyond that accepting it. You know a lot of jumped straight to judgment. We’re so programmed to jump straight into judgment and this judgment that psychologist that’s referred to as catastrophizing sets us down a negative spiral.

You know go, “Oh you know I am stressed. Oh great, here we go again, I am freaking out. This is going to be terrible. I am not going to be able to go to work, no one is going to love me.” And we go down this downward spiral that just gets worse and worse. So first we have to recognize it and then we have to accept it. We just say, “Okay it is what it is,” this scary eastern philosophy sort of meditative practice of saying, “Look, okay I am stressed. It is not good or bad, it just is.”

Then we investigate the sources of that stress and see if there is anything we can do about it right? We say, oh you know maybe I am stressed because of this. Maybe I am stressed because there is something unspoken between me and my partner and I should go have a conversation with them. You know maybe I am stressed because I am sitting at this desk all day and I need to go stand up and stretch and get a drink or take a walk, whatever it is you investigate it.

And then I think the coolest part of it is this non-identification piece because I think so many times we conflate our emotional reality in a moment with our self-worth. We think, “You know I am anxious therefore I am intrinsically a basket case,” and that is not the case. You know emotional states are of necessity fleeting and so this doesn’t define you. You know you’re not defined by your anxiety. You are not defined by your depression, whatever emotion it is that you’re feeling.

And so this is a really powerful model that I talk about in two different places in the book and try to give references so people can dig a little deeper if they are interested.

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[0:31:40.2] MB: What would be a specific practice or application to apply the R.A.I.N model for somebody who is listening who’s currently dealing with a really stressful situation?

[0:31:51.0] DC: So the R.A.I.N model is really about – it is really a lot like cognitive behavioral therapy. So it is really about recognizing and challenging beliefs which is really all about what CBT is about. So we’ve got an activating event so whatever it is that’s upsetting you and you can say in that moment, “I’m going to choose to respond to this differently.” We’re not going to say the activating made me do something. It is taking this power back.

So this could be anything from a disappointment at work, a personal failure, a heated argument with a loved one. It could be a 100 things, any kind of activating event that puts you in a funk, you can say, “I can choose to be different. I can choose to approach this differently and I don’t have to feel or act any certain way as a consequence of what’s just happened.” You know this is basically the fundamental thinking of I think the greatest call it a self-help book that was ever written.

Man’s search for meaning is this reality that we are more than what happens to us and that in any place and at any time, we can choose our response to a stimulus and I think it is a powerful way to move through the world that takes back ownership of your choices and your emotions and says, “I am not a victim of my circumstances.” So yeah, there is all kinds of places I think you could apply this.

[0:33:18.4] MB: Tell me about – another part of the book you dig into this idea of self-esteem science and how I think the phrase you use is you call it junk science. There’s so many people that have been impacted by this. I want to hear a little bit about what your thoughts are on it.

[0:33:36.9] DC: Yeah, so I am 39. I’ll be 40 late this year and so I grew up very much in this gold star generation when the research on self-esteem was right at the forefront of our best thinking psychologically and we thought that the way to get people to make better choices, to live our lives was to just tell them that they were great but you know effectively to shower them with praise and I see this in a way that I was raised by my parents.

I see this in the way that I was taught at school, sort of everyone gets a trophy, everyone gets a gold star and I am forgetting the exact number. I believe it was 15,000 different studies that were examined in a meta-analysis. So that’s just a study of all the studies on self-esteem and what they found first of all that most of the research was just junk science. Most of it was just pop psychology and then of the non-junk science, most of them showed that self-esteem didn’t predict anything.

It didn’t predict how well people would do in school. It didn’t predict whether or not someone would live a life of crime. It didn’t predict anything much and they found that basically, people have a strong BS meter. People know when they are being complimented for nothing and people know when they are being complimented for having genuinely achieved something and so effectively what they found in the self-esteem research is there is no substitute for taking risks.

Doing hard things and sort of sinking or swimming on your own merits because the only way that your self-esteem is truly built is by doing hard stuff like taking risk, doing hard stuff and then yes, being complimented, being recognized but recognizing people for getting 7th place and you know, knowing that they still got a ribbon, they know they got 7th place. It doesn’t work and this is an invitation to be cruel or to be dismissive of people who aren’t on the metal stand of course.

But what it is, is I think again, a mental model for life. Say, “You know the only way that I am going to really feel good about myself is taking risks, putting myself out there, putting in the hours, doing the work and then hoping the rewards come.” There is just no shortcut to feeling good about yourself.

[0:36:01.4] MB: And this ties into what we were talking about earlier, how the brain is hardwired to have things like loss aversion and the social risks of taking these things whether it’s starting a business, whether it is quitting your job, all of these different things seem really, really interesting and really, really risky. It might be something as simple as making a sales call because of our evolutionary programming and yet the reality is that it’s not life or death. It is not as scary and dangerous as it often seems but our mind is malfunctioning essentially.

[0:36:33.2] DC: Yeah, that is exactly right and I can’t – I mean it is my own quote. I can’t quote it right now but there is a paragraph in the book where I essentially say, “The biggest risk is not taking any risks.” You know the biggest risk is not that you start a business and you know it fails which frankly will likely happen if you start a business, that’s what happens to most small businesses is they fail but the bigger risk is still just spending 40 years in a job you hate.

You know I came across clients all the time who were not dating, not loving, not putting themselves out there because they were scared of getting hurt and in the process of not trying to get hurt, they were hurting themselves. So a lot of times because of the way that we’re wired and because we are so risk averse and we’re so loss averse, in our best efforts to protect ourselves from harm we bring about the reality of the very harm that we are trying to avoid.

And that is such a powerful concept to internalize to say, “Look am I truly protecting myself or am I bringing about the absolute 100% realization of the very thing I am scared about?” Because I think that is often the case.

[0:37:43.4] MB: I think the way you describe it in the book was the quest for certainty and how dangerous it can be.

[0:37:49.6] DC: Yeah absolutely. I think there’s a place where I talk in the book about this quest for certainty and I sight research that shows that human kind is more comforted by a negative certainty than a potentially positive uncertainty. So I specifically give the example of adult children of alcoholics. You know I talk about some of the damage that is done by alcoholism which is the leading cause of child abuse and one of the leading causes of death.

That is drunk driving in the US, I say “Look alcoholism does all this harm and yet a slight majority of adult children of alcoholics go on to marry alcoholics.” Now you would think rationally that children of alcoholics knowing the pain brought on by substance abuse would run a hundred miles away when they began to date someone with a drinking problem and yet they tend to marry people with drinking problems because the devil that you know is less psychologically intrusive than the devil that you don’t know.

So that’s again, something that we have to investing and in life just own that there is an uncertainty. There is uncertainty, it is part of the game and we have to embrace it because the only other alternative is to just always be settling for the lowest common denominator and this thing that we are familiar with.

[0:39:15.4] MB: You make another really good point and this is something that I think about a lot and I also bring it to conversations a lot which is this idea that life is uncertain. People always want a sure thing. They are always trying to make sure that they are making the perfect decision. They are making the right choice that whatever life choice they’re making at this particular threshold is something that has to be absolutely perfect.

And the reality is, you could walk across the street in 10 minutes and get killed that life is completely uncertain. We just don’t know and the great part about investing as a skillset and one of the other tools that taught me about this which is poker is that you start to realize that you can do everything right and things don’t necessarily work out and the flip side is you could do everything wrong and sometimes it still works out too but either way, the world is an uncertain place.

And you have to be able to operate and think and make decisions in the context of uncertainty to do anything and to be happy and to achieve any real results in the world.

[0:40:16.8] DC: Yeah that is exactly right and I think once you own that the world is uncertain and I think that death is one of the things that makes it so absolutely uncertain just like you said, once you own that the world is uncertain, once you have mourned the loss of that uncertainty or that justness or the fairness of the world because there is none to be had unfortunately, I think the best you can do is control the controllable.

You want to tilt probability in your favor at every turn so yes, you might get hit by a drunk driver one day but you should never drive drunk, right? You can tilt the probability in your favor with investing too, right? You could do these things, you could invest in a way that is low turnover, low cost, many of the things that I talk about in the book but yeah, even in spite of this there are going to be times where doing the right thing is going to feel awfully bad.

And in fact in investing sometimes your neighbor gets rich for doing the wrong thing. You know your neighbor could throw all of her money and pot stocks and make a fortune owning one single pot stock and you have your diversified portfolio that is doing quite as well. Well, you still did the right thing and so taking this process, trusting the process, taking this process based approach to living and to investing is I think an important way to think about it.

Controlling everything that is controllable and realizing that there is much that is out of your control and this is sort of the best you can do.

[0:41:48.0] MB: That makes me think of even the broader category we’re talking about earlier, the idea of evidence based growth itself is rooted in the same mental model or the same framework, right? In an uncertain world, we have to have process, we have to have evidence, we have to have something to use as a framework to understand reality. You know people say, “Oh well you can have an evidence based approach but scientific studies and psychology studies are proven wrong all the time. So I am just going to go with whatever my gut tells me is right.”

But the reality is, you have to look at which models have the most predictive power, which models are the most effective just because a certain model is wrong some of the time because nothing is certain, doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s still not the right model and the right process to be using and you really have to do a lot of the hard work of thinking on the front end and understanding which models are you going to invest your time and energy and which processes are you going to follow and execute on.

[0:42:44.1] DC: Yeah, it’s interesting. I talk a little bit about choosing a good model in the book and I think we are not helpless there. There are some things we can look to, to determine whether or not a model is replicable or whether or not it’s one to build your life around and so the first thing is we want evidence in the data, right? We want just like your podcast is all about, we want to be evidence based. We want the data to support what we are doing.

But the second thing is we need to be philosophers too. We need to see that this makes some philosophical sense that there is some common sense to it. In the world of investing there is a couple of funny indicators. We that overtime the S&P 500 moves in the S&P 500 have been correlated with the production of butter in Bangladesh at about 96%. Now would you want to invest with someone who is going to buy and sell based on Bangladeshi butter production?

Well no because it is stupid like you know philosophically it makes no sense even though that the data are there. So I think if you look for models for living that are both data driven and have an element of intuition to them, they feel right philosophically or from the common sense standpoint, I think you won’t be led astray much.

[0:44:04.6] MB: You know that reminds me of another topic you talk about in the book which is this idea of looking for truth in the wrong places and in many ways that’s another example of one of these cognitive biases or mental models of how our brain’s misfire but it also shows that we can easily get deceived about what kinds of data and information and evidence we should be supporting.

[0:44:28.3] DC: Yeah, so one of the things that I talk about in the book is the power of story and story can be used like most psychological concepts to our benefit or toward detriment but I sight a research out of Princeton that looks at people who are listening to stories, you know two people who are hooked up to an FMRI that is measuring their brain activity. So if you and I are sitting across from each other having a conversation about nothing in particular, our brain activity doesn’t look all that similar.

But the minute that you started to tell me a story, our brains become actively synced and so the power of story is very alluring. So this is one way that we can be misled or look for truth in all the wrong places is through a seductive story. So I would tell people to be on guard against anyone that is trying to sell something via a story. It isn’t necessarily bad but just know that you’re susceptible at this point. The other thing I think people like to be told is that that things will be easy.

This is another way that we look for truth in all the wrong places is that we want things to be easy and you see this I think at financial services more than anywhere else. It is like if something seems to be good to be true than it probably is. You know the truth about personal progress and investment success is that they both require an element of sacrifice, of discipline and hard work and any formula that doesn’t include those ingredients I think is one that is set up to fail and it is likely profiting someone at your expense.

[0:46:02.3] MB: You also shared a really interesting example of the idea of the backfire effect and how sometimes information that we don’t want to hear or disagree with can have really interesting consequences.

[0:46:15.7] DC: Yeah, so the backfire effect is pretty incredible. I think the example I gave in the book is of parents who are failing to vaccinate their children. So there’s all these parents I think especially in Southern California or other affluent parts of the country who have stopped vaccinating their kids because they fear that it contributes to autism spectrum disorders and so as a result, you are seeing diseases in this country that you have never seen in a hundred years.

You’re seeing measles outbreaks in Orange County and things like this that are just wild and are totally unnecessary and so the science of course contradicts this and says that you should vaccinate your children but what happens is when people are given a strong message when their beliefs are strongly rebuffed with facts and then they survey these people and the strength of their belief after the fact, they find that in many cases they have doubled down on their beliefs.

And so I think we have to be careful and this is why I quit Facebook a couple of years ago because you are watching this people argue about politics or religion or whatever it is screaming at each other sighting facts and understanding that nobody’s minds are getting changed that way. You know people are really, really recalcitrant to front and center attacks under deeply held beliefs. I think the way that you change someone’s mind is through relationships.

Through contact and through bringing people into exposure with different ways of being and different ways of thinking. So I think the best among us, the most growth minded among us will actively seek out opportunities to expose ourselves to new ideas and new people and new context because that is how you grow but we are very, very resistant to fact only attacks on our beliefs. They just don’t work very much.

[0:48:12.5] MB: It’s a fascinating piece of research and so interesting. So tell me a little bit more about the strategy that you’ve seen or recommend for influencing people without a direct frontal assault using facts and data.

[0:48:29.3] DC: So I think the best thing you can do is bring people into contact with people who don’t share their world view and so it is easy to hate or stigmatize or vilify an idea. You know whether you are for abortion or against abortion, whether you are left or right leaning in your politics, it is easy for us to put labels on the people that espouse these beliefs and from a distance, snip it then and attack them and we saw in the last election.

This is so disheartening to me but we saw that over 60% of people who voted for Trump didn’t know anyone who is voting for Clinton and vice-versa. So whoever your preferred candidate was, most people said they did not have a single friend who was voting for their non-preferred candidate. So we have really quarantined ourselves geographically, religiously, politically, even the news media makes it possible for us to sort of self-select into our biases and our ways in a way that wasn’t applicable 50 years ago.

Everybody had a more or less interest nightly news program. Now you’ve got every flavor of news that you want and people just tend to select the one that is most consistent with their own predispositions and biases. So I don’t think there is any substitute for just meeting people who don’t share your beliefs and understanding that they are good people too. They arrive at these positions for reasons that are probably larger they mirror the reasons that you arrive at your differing positions.

They are trying the best they can. They love their families too, they are good people too and so I think that that’s how minds gets change. As people with different world views work shoulder to shoulder and we can see that we are not the demons we made each other out to be, I think that is how ideas change and I think I hope the listeners to your program will be proactive about seeking out both opinions and especially people that they wouldn’t normally because I think that’s the most powerful way to bring about change.

[0:50:41.7] MB: So for listeners who have listened to this conversation and want to concretely implement some of the themes and ideas that we’ve talked about today, what would be one action item or piece of homework that you would give them to start executing on some of these things?

[0:50:58.9] DC: So I would suggest consistent with that last point, I would suggest that you would go somewhere that makes you uncomfortable. You know whether it be to a different religion’s religious service, whether it be to a political rally of your non-preferred political stripes, whatever it is even something as small as watching your non-preferred news channel for 30 minutes to an hour tonight instead of tuning into your favorite strand of biased news that would be my number one recommendation.

Because the danger with reading a book like mine, I always get a little bit frustrated when people read something like The Behavioral Investor and they write to me and they go, “Oh wow, you know I read the part about egotism or emotionality and that was totally my neighbor,” or that is totally my wife and you know I have to write back and go, “You know the reason I wrote this is so that you could be self-critical.” The reason I wrote this is so you could turn that bright light of introspection back on yourself.

And so I think we have to seek first to get our own house in order and I think a way to do that is both by reading a book like this, which I hope will challenge your assumptions but even more than that, exposing yourself to new situations and just being cognizant of your responses.

[0:52:18.2] MB: And for listeners who want to find the book, find you, find your work online, what is the best place for them to do that?

[0:52:24.0] DC: Yeah, so the book is The Behavioral Investor. It’s available on Amazon and anywhere else you buy books. I am very active on LinkedIn, Daniel Crosby PHD and on Twitter @danielcrosby and I also have my own podcast called Standard Deviations. So any of those will be just great.

[0:52:40.2] MB: Well Daniel, thank you so much for coming back on the show, for sharing all these wisdom and digging into these topics. Some really, really interesting insights.

[0:52:48.4] DC: Thank you for sharing your platform.

[0:52:50.8] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you, our listeners master evidence based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story or just say hi, shoot me an email. My email is matt@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener email.

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Don’t forget, if you want to get all the incredible information we talk about on the show, links, transcripts, everything we discussed and much more, be sure to check out our show notes. You can get them at successpodcast.com, just hit the show notes button right at the top. Thanks again and we’ll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.

March 21, 2019 /Lace Gilger
Focus & Productivity, Money & Finance
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Reclaim Your Time & Take Back Control Of Your Life in 30 Minutes with Laura Vanderkam

March 14, 2019 by Lace Gilger in Focus & Productivity

In this episode we ask - how do you make decisions that let you see beyond your every day inbox, busy work, and demands of others? We uncover that there are huge mismatches between how you think you spend your time and how you actually spend it. We share you can deal with the fear, and the reality, of disappointing other people and not meeting their expectations and we share one simple strategy - in 30 minutes - that can help you reclaim control of your time with our guest Laura Vanderkam. 

Laura Vanderkam is the author of several time management and productivity books. Her TED talk titled “How To Gain Control of Your Free Time” has been viewed over 5 million times and she is the co-host of the podcast Best of Both Worlds. Her work has appeared in publications including the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Fast Company, and Fortune.

Her latest book, Juliet’s School of Possibilities: A Little Story About The Power of Priorities, is available now!

  • While people are happy to get information, they remember it much better when its in the form of stories

  • You should make time in your life for what’s important. 

  • Time is a choice, you’re ALWAYS choosing how you spend your time. 

  • Expectations on your time are infinite.

  • You’re always disappointing someone. 

  • You HAVE to choose how to spend your time, whether you want to or not

  • What people often miss, especially when you try to be everything to everyone,  there are tradeoffs and opportunity costs to EVERYTHING - even if you don’t see it 

  • The opportunity costs are often the hardest to see, and yet most important, things that we miss 

  • Saying yes to something is, by definition, saying no to something else. Every choice to do one thing is is, by definition, a choice to NOT do something else. 

  • Have you ever binged an entire book or TV series in a short amount of time? That’s proof that you have more time than you think, you’re just not spending it how you necessarily want to. 

  • Pay attention to where your time goes.

  • How do you make decisions that let you see beyond your every day inbox, busy work, and demands of others?

  • If you picture yourself as very happy in the next 5-10 years - you’re receiving an award or someone is giving a speech about the amazing things you’ve done - what would that person talk about? What accomplishments would they share about you?

  • Envision your ideal future, and start to bring those things into your life. 

  • Your priorities should inform your scheduling choices. It’s that simple. And yet so few people do it. 

  • You must consciously choose to invest time in the things that matter to you. If you don’t your time will be TAKEN AWAY FROM YOU, by someone else’s priorities. 

  • It’s not a priority just because someone else thinks is it important or because society at large thinks it’s important. 

  • Time is a choice. 

  • This doesn’t have to be huge chunks of time, even an hour or two a week can be transformational.

  • Challenge yourself to find 30 mins a day, or 3.5hrs a week - of extra time per week. Anyone can achieve this. 

  • This can apply to both your PERSONAL life and to your professional life - too often we neglect one or the other or think time management only 

  • Is the bigger challenge to figure out your own priorities or just to make time for them?

  • What questions or activities can you do to figure out what’s most important to you and where you SHOULD spend your time?

  • Ask yourself- how can I spend more time in my current life on the things that I value, care about, and want to spend time doing? 

  • Schedule it in your calendar

    1. Create accountability 

  • How do you deal with the fear, and the reality, of disappointing other people and not meeting their expectations?

  • You can’t go through life without disappointing anyone.

  • Having a goal of never disappointing anyone is not a good goal. 

  • What were you thinking about on today’s date, two years ago?

  • Likewise, whatever is keeping you up now probably won’t matter in two years

  • Trying to manage your time without measuring it is like losing weight without paying attention to your diet and exercise habits. 

  • There are HUGE mismatches between how you THINK you spend your time, and how you actually spend it. 

  • By doing a time audit you start to realize huge opportunities in your schedule and where you are spending your time.

  • Often times the small chunks of time here and there start to add up - and don’t register on how you’re spending your time. 

  • Homework: Time tracking is the best starting point. Write down what you’ve done over the previous 24 hours. Try that out for a week. 

  • Many things in life can’t be measured, but time is one thing that CAN. 

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Want To Dig In More?! - Here’s The Show Notes, Links, & Research

General

  • Laura’s Website: Laura Vanderkam

  • Laura’s podcast: “Best of Both Worlds”

Media

  • Fast Company - “13 hidden pockets of daily free time you didn’t know you had (and how to make the most of them)” by Laura Vanderkam

  • Medium - “The Case for Keeping Your Goals to Yourself’ by Laura Vanderkam

  • Author Directory for Business Insider, HuffPost, and Fortune

    • There's a reason you should plan to exercise in the morning instead of at night, according to execs and CEOs by Laura Vanderkam

  • [Podcast] Afford Anything - #147: HOW TO BELIEVE YOUR TIME IS ABUNDANT, WITH LAURA VANDERKAM

  • [Podcast] The Productive Woman - Being Intentional with Time, with Laura Vanderkam – TPW217

  • [Podcast] Pivot - 119: Off the Clock—Finding Time Freedom with Laura Vanderkam

  • [Podcast] Financial Grownup - HOW TO BUY FREE TIME WITH "OFF THE CLOCK" AUTHOR LAURA VANDERKAM (ENCORE)

Videos

  • Juliet's School of Possibilities | A Book by Laura Vanderkam

  • Bestbookbits - Laura Vanderkam: What the Most Successful People Do Before Breakfast Book Summary

  • CNBC Make IT - A time-management expert shares the simple daily habit that will make you more productive

  • 168 Hours (By Laura Vanderkam) Book Summary From Lifehack Bootcamp

Books

  • Juliet's School of Possibilities: A Little Story About the Power of Priorities  by Laura Vanderkam

  • Savoring by Fred B. Bryant and Joseph Veroff

  • Off the Clock: Feel Less Busy While Getting More Done by Laura Vanderkam

  • 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think by Laura Vanderkam

  • What the Most Successful People Do Before Breakfast: And Two Other Short Guides to Achieving More at Work and at Home by Laura Vanderkam

Misc

  • [SoS Episode] Everything You Know About Sleep Is Wrong with Dr. Matthew Walker

  • [SoS Episode] The Secret That Silicon Valley Giants Don’t Want You To Know with Dr. Adam Alter

  • [SoS Episode] Essentialism - Get the Mental Clarity to Pursue What Actually Matters with Greg McKeown

  • [App] Moment

Episode Transcript

[00:00:04.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[0:00:11.8] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success; the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than three million downloads and listeners in over a hundred countries.

In this episode, we ask how do you make decisions that let you see beyond your everyday inbox, busy work and the demand of others? We uncover that there are huge mismatches between how you think you spend your time and how you actually spend it. We share how you can deal with the fear and the reality of disappointing other people and not meeting their expectations. We share one simple strategy in 30 minutes that can help you reclaim control of your time with our guest, Laura Vanderkam.

I’m going to tell you why you’ve been missing out on some incredibly cool stuff if you haven’t signed up for our e-mail list yet. All you have to do to sign up is to go to successpodcasts.com and sign up right on the home page.

On top of tons subscriber-only content, exclusive access and live Q&As with previous guests, monthly giveaways and much more. I also created an epic free video course just for you. It's called How to Create Time for What Matters Most Even When You're Really Busy. E-mail subscribers have been raving about this guide.

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Sign up for my e-mail list today by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the home page, or if you're on the go, if you're on your phone right now, it's even easier. Just text the word “smarter”, that's S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44-222. I can't wait to show you all the exciting things you'll get when you sign up and join the e-mail list.

In our previous episode, we discussed how you can understand the world with powerful clarity, what makes other people behave in certain ways, what are the most important concepts and ideas in the business world? Do you often feel you're looking for a magic bullet or a paint-by-numbers approach to solving your problems? The solution to all of these questions lies in a powerful framework that we explain in depth and showed you how to apply with our previous guest, Josh Kaufman. If you want to learn an epic mental framework that could literally change your life, listen to that episode.

Now for our interview with Laura.

[0:03:16.9] MB: Today, we have another exciting guest back on the show. We are welcoming back Laura Vanderkam. Laura's show with us got great reviews and we're excited to have her back to discuss more of her wisdom and her newest book, Juliet's School of Possibilities. She's the author of several time management and productivity books and her TED talk titled How to Gain Control of Your Free Time has been viewed more than five million times.

She's also the co-host of the Best of Both Worlds Podcast and her work has appeared in publications ranging from the New York Times, to The Wall Street Journal and much more. Laura, welcome to the Science of Success.

[0:03:53.5] LV: Thank you so much for having me back.

[0:03:55.8] MB: Well, we're really excited to have you back on the show. I'm a huge fan of the themes and ideas that we covered in the previous episode, which I’ll obviously throw in the show notes for listeners who want to go and check that out as well. There's just so many important things and ideas that you share. I think we have a shared perspective on priorities, or time management, or whatever you want to call it. Time management is a problematic term. Before we get into that, I'm curious what inspired you to write this more narrative-driven book as opposed to a traditional nonfiction book?

[0:04:32.8] LV: Well, I'm always trying to do new things. I figure if people just want my take on time management, there's other books they can buy. They can read the old ones. If I want people to keep coming along with me for new books, I need to give them something different. As a writer and as a speaker, I've learned over the years that while people are happy to get information, they remember it much better when it comes in the form of a story. People just love stories. We know this, right? It's our favorite speeches, our favorite people we want to talk to at parties are those who have a good story.

I wondered well, can I turn what I've learned about time management into a story? Fortunately, my publisher is the same publisher who's done a number of other parables in the past. They're familiar with the concept and they were very excited to do something that was just a little bit different.

[0:05:23.5] MB: I agree. I think sometimes when you approach something from the perspective of a parable, it breaks through or sticks in a way that often just reading a rote list of do this and do this and here's why, it penetrates more when it comes in the form of a narrative story in many cases.

[0:05:42.6] LV: It definitely does, because I mean, we sympathize with other human beings and what they're going through and we can see ourselves in these characters. When they're facing a dilemma, we can understand and we can have opinions about what they should do. I can tell people and I have been telling people for years, well you should make time in your life for what's important. Then you're always choosing how you spend your time. Time is a choice, and so you want to make sure that you are choosing well.

There's a certain number of people that I think will find it more memorable, or easier to grasp when they hear the story of somebody whose life is falling apart, because she can't make good choices about how to spend her time and how she learns to do that and a moment of reckoning. I enjoy writing fiction. It's something I've done on the side for years. I'm excited to combine those two different writing loves about productivity and also the sideline of fiction into one book.

[0:06:38.6] MB: I think many people in the modern world to some degree or another, have that same feeling, or fear, or experience of their lives falling apart, because they don't know how to make choices about how to spend their time.

[0:06:52.4] LV: Yeah, I definitely agree. I mean, I see this all the time on time logs that people – the way I phrase it is that expectations are infinite and that time is finite. I mean, there's always something else you could be doing, something that somebody else expects from you, or that you expect from yourself, or that work expects from you, or that you feel you should be doing, or feel society at large just telling you you should be doing.

I mean, these expectations are as many as the stars, but we only have 24 hours in a day, or 168 hours in a week. While I do feel it is enough time to do the things that are important to us, it's not enough time to do everything. We're always making choices about how we spend our time. I guess one way to put it is that you're always disappointing someone, which may sound a bit depressing, but I prefer to think of it more as liberating, because once you recognize that every time you're choosing to do one thing, you're choosing not to do something else.

You realize, well you have to choose. Because you have to choose, you are liberated to choose what is right for you. Hopefully people reading Juliet's School of Possibilities will feel empowered to say, “I can put off checking my e-mail until later in the day, because there's this big project I really want to dive into and get my full focus.” Or, “I don't have to look down at the text coming in my phone, because there's this person in front of me who has fascinating things to say and I want to listen and give my full attention to this.” Or, “There's more to life than just working and I'm allowed to take time on the weekends to do something that I find enjoyable; time on the evenings, time in the mornings. I think that's my goal is that people will realize that they are choosing how to spend their time and they have a lot more power than they think.

[0:08:31.8] MB: I think both of those are really important points. One is this notion that not only are you choosing how to spend your time, but you have to make a choice of how it gets allocated. Even more important than that, what people often miss is that and especially when you're trying to please everybody, or be everything to everyone is that whether you see them or not, there are material trade-offs and opportunity costs to any choice you make about how to spend your time.

[0:09:01.1] LV: Yeah. The opportunity cost is something that is so hard to see, because inevitably what happens when somebody asks for our time and you think about how we wind up filling our time, it's usually somebody has asked for it for some reason or another. We've volunteered it for something. When we're looking at our time and deciding whether we want to give it to something, we're often asking the question of am I free? Which is a good question to ask, but it's probably not the only question to ask, particularly for things that are happening far in the future.

I mean, I look at my calendar for July, yeah, sure, I'm free. I'm free for anything in July at this point, but I'm not. By July, there will be many, many things that are right in front of me that I could be doing. Saying yes to something that isn't a great use of my time means I will have to give something up. We don't always see this, but then we find ourselves too busy to do the things that we really care about, or we're having to say no to things that might have been more interesting, because we're already committed to something else.

I think being a little bit more aware of the opportunity cost and understanding that every choice to do one thing is a choice not to do something else, even if you don't really feel that you're actively making a choice.

[0:10:13.7] MB: I really like that notion that saying yes to something is essentially by definition, saying no to something else. Every choice to do one thing is by definition a choice not to do something else. How do we help people who don't necessarily see that, or experience that because it's somewhat ephemeral? How do we help people make that realization?

[0:10:40.1] LV: Well, I think one of the best ways to see that how much choice we do have over time is something I've talked about a lot, but just a little hack for your life is if you're not aware of how much time you are choosing, try picking up a real page-turner of a book, or a binge-worthy series, start on TV. Because magically, you start turning all available space into time to read that page-turner book, or time to watch that binge-worthy series.

You say like, “Oh, wait. How did I manage to get through a 400-page book this weekend?” Well, it's because all time that would have been spent scrolling through headlines, or moving mail from one pile to the other in your house, or running errands that probably didn't actually need to be run, or watching TV you didn't actually care about, all of that is repurposed to this one thing that you truly, truly, truly want to get through, because you got to find out what happens next.

If you do that, note where that time is, note how much space you manage to devote to reading or watching this series. Then say, “Well, maybe I could use some of that time for other things that I've been saying that I would like to get to.” Maybe that's time that theoretically I'm allocating to one thing, but I don't have to, right? I can make a different choice if I wish.

[0:12:02.3] MB: Zooming out and thinking about this from a slightly larger perspective, how do we – how do listeners start to make decisions that help them see beyond the things that pile up every day, whether it's e-mails, or demands from other people's time, or busy work? How do you start to develop that space or that perspective to gain an understanding of what your priorities are and where your time should be spent?

[0:12:28.7] LV: Yeah. I think it's really important to look forward into the future. One of the things that happens in this book in Juliet’s School of Possibilities is that the title character Juliet helps Riley who's the young person whose life is falling apart, see different visions of her future. She has her look very far into the future to see what her life might look like as a result of various choices that she makes. It’s a bit like Ebenezer Scrooge is looking backwards and stuff in his life, or looking forward to the ghost of Christmas future.

The key thing here is we can't truly know the future and we don't know how it will turn out. I know it's hard to look forward into the future, but if you say I'm picturing myself in the next five to 10 years and if I picture myself as very happy with my life, I'm professionally fulfilled, I am happy with my personal life, I feel healthy, I have enough energy, why would those things be true? What would be in my life that I think would make me feel that way? What are these visions I might have of myself?

One of the exercises you might actually do is picture that somebody is giving you an honor in 10 years or something and they're writing a speech about the amazing things that you've done. Think about what that person would talk about. Then providing as they often do at award speeches, character references for you, your personal too, what great things you've done. You think about why people would be saying these things. What impact would you have had on the people you love and perhaps on the broader world as well? Make the scene as vivid as possible.

It doesn't mean that inevitably those things will happen, but it does give you some insight into what is important to you. For instance, if you find yourself envisioning your future and you are having great meals with friends you just absolutely love spending time with, and you think about your current self and you are spending approximately zero time having great meals with friends, well maybe that's something you should try changing, right? Maybe you should try to get some friends together to go to a restaurant this weekend, or maybe you can plan a dinner party in the next couple of weeks and try some recipes out ahead of time and then serve them to your friends and see how it goes, get their feedback on it.

This is how you start to put these things that you have envisioned from your great future into your current life. Just to try them out and see as you spend more time on the things that you love, how it feels to be living more in-line with the things that you do feel are priorities.

[0:15:10.0] MB: I think the way that you phrased it at one point in the book was that your priorities should inform your scheduling choices, which is so obvious and so simple and yet, it's advice that's very rarely followed.

[0:15:21.4] LV: I know. It’s true. It is very rarely – because it's hard. Because the things that we really want to do are not always this things that are screaming right in front of us. I mean, various things are going on in my week right now that I'm having to deal with in terms of weather and school closings and kitchen repairs and various things have broken and people want documentation on stuff that's not in my mind a big priority, but that doesn't mean they don't think it's a big priority.

There's all these things that distract you from what you want to do. Always I say, “Well, I'll get to the writing later. I'll think about that book I want to write in the future later, because I got to focus on all these other things that are screaming for attention.” Actually scheduling in your priorities is the only way to get around that, because again, the expectations are infinite and the time is finite. Unless you consciously choose to put in time for the things that matter to you, this time will be taken away from you for somebody else's priorities.

One of the things I always try to do and encourage other people to do is to think through their weeks before they're in them, to think about the year ahead of you. At the end of the year, if you were say well, it's been an amazing year for me professionally. What three things would you have done in the course of the year to have it be an amazing year for you professionally? Then you say, “Okay, well how can I break those three big things down into doable steps and what space am I putting on my schedule this week for some of those doable steps?”

If you're not making space, well it's really hard to claim that those are truly your top professional priorities. Something to think about. Your personal life too. You can think about at the end of the year what you'd like to say that you've done in the course of 2019. You'd like to envision yourself at the end of the year saying, “Hey, this was the year that I ran that 10k.” Then here you are not running at all and you're scheduled this week. Again, it's hard to say that that's actually a priority, which may be true, right? Not everything has to be a priority and sometimes people think things should be priorities, because they're important to somebody else, or we think that society at large thinks we should do them.

Think about what truly matters to you and challenge yourself to put a couple things on the schedule for the upcoming week. If you do that, I promise it will feel so amazing that you will want to keep doing it.

[0:17:42.6] MB: You snuck in a really great reframe of the phrasing on that, which is this idea that if you don't determine how you want to spend your time, I think the exact phrase you used is that it'll be taken away from you by someone else's priorities.

[0:17:55.9] LV: Yeah. Well, I think that's what happens a lot of times. Everyone has competing priorities and just because someone else wants you to do something does not automatically mean that you have to. I mean, again, time is a choice. I mean, maybe it is a good idea. I'm not saying if your biggest client wants to meet with you tomorrow that you shouldn't do it. I mean, probably you should. Maybe a smart use of time. You don't absolutely have to. We always have this sense, this agency over our time. Yeah, given that the expectations are infinite, somebody will always come up with something else you could be doing. The question is whether you really want to.

[0:18:36.6] MB: I like the way that that reframe really just puts the onus back on you and helps crystallize the idea of the opportunity cost, the missed opportunities of all of the things you could have done when your time gets sapped, or sucked into a distraction, or spent on a priority of someone else, instead of a priority that you had.

[0:18:59.5] LV: Yeah. I mean, we don't even need to talk about huge amounts of time. I mean, I can bore myself thinking about how many people have told me they don't have time to exercise. Yet, I think if they looked at their calendars, they could probably easily identify let's say two and a half hours of conference calls during the week that they added absolutely no value to whatsoever, I mean, to the point where they were multitasking the whole time; deleting e-mails, scrolling through headlines. Why are you on these calls, right? That's two and a half hours You could have gone outside for a walk at your workplace and hey, you would have exercised for the equivalent of 30 minutes five times a week, which is exactly what the public health authorities say you need to do.

Yeah, there's always other things we can be doing. It often is not even huge amounts of time. If you took 45 minutes for mornings a week to write for a book you wanted to write, so that would be three hours a week. I'm pretty sure in three hours, you could probably write 1,500 to 2,000 words, which would mean that you would have a draft and well under a year, right? Again, that time can be taken up with other things. It can be taken up with redoing housework that's already been done, or puttering around, or watching TV in the morning to fill the time before it's time to go to work, hitting snooze. I mean, you wind up hitting snooze for that much and say, “Well, the snooze is what happened rather than the book.”

It doesn't have to be a huge amount of time that has shifted over to important things, but consciously making those choices and then continuing to do them over and over again is how you get important things done.

[0:20:37.6] MB: That's a great point, because it breaks it down into something that's much more manageable, even carving out these chunks of 30 minutes, 45 minutes, an hour to a day can make a huge difference. The example of exercise comes back, makes me think of the simple idea that you already shared, which is this notion of scheduling your priorities.

My own personal experience, I struggled for a long time to get in a regular fitness routine. Somehow it dawned on me this really simple idea which is I'm just going to put in my calendar everyday fitness for an hour and that's it. I just put it on my calendar, set it for every day and then magically, I went from working out 0 to 2 times a week to working out 5 or 6 times a week, because it was in the calendar. It was already scheduled. That doesn't mean some days I'll move it or I'll reschedule it or cancel it because I get busy, but now it's the default choice instead of just wasting time on something else.

[0:21:32.1] LV: Yeah. I think that's a great idea. What I’d often winds up happening is people sometimes just don't want to exercise. It becomes easier to say, “Well, I don't have time.” People say they don't have time for all sorts of things. I've had people tell me they don't have time to floss, which just strikes me as funny. I'm pretty sure you do have time to floss, now whether you want to floss or not is an entirely different matter. If something's a priority, put it on your calendar. If it's not, make your peace with it.

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[0:24:01.0] MB: I want to come back to something else you shared that is essential to understanding this, which is that this can apply – I think a lot of times time management really focuses in or gets bucketed in more of a professional bucket. There's a lot of applications this applies professionally, but it also applies personally and even carving out an hour to a week, or a weekend for something that you really care about or passionate about, or a hobby that you love to spend time on, can make a huge difference.

[0:24:31.8] LV: Yeah, it really can. It doesn't take much time devoted to things that you enjoy to make a huge difference in your life. Many people think, “I have no time whatsoever. I can't do X, Y, or Z.” Challenge yourself to find the equivalent of 30 minutes a day. That is three and a half hours a week. Three and a half hours in the course of 168-hour a week is probably not that much. If you need to break it down into 15-minute increments within that, fine; one in the morning, one at night during the week and maybe bigger chunks on the weekend. Or it could be longer chunks on the weekend and smaller during the week; two hours on the weekend and then 90 minutes sometime during the week. Probably in the course of Monday through Friday, you can find 90 minutes somewhere broken up into chunks.

If you can get to the equivalent of spending half an hour a day on something that is meaningful for you, life will feel so amazingly different. The other 23.5 hours will be fine, because you've got these 30 minutes devoted to something awesome. If you can scale that up, can you get it to seven hours a week? Again, I don't think seven hours is a huge ask. I understand that there may be people listening to this, have very busy lives. If you are working full-time, maybe people have families too, especially if you have very young kids it can be hard to carve those hours. Often, it might be time after they go to bed, right? You can go watch TV, or you could do something else for 30 minutes and then go watch TV. Making the choice to do something else can make life feel just a lot more doable.

[0:26:02.6] MB: I found personally that once you start to carve out these little slivers of time, they begin to snowball and snowball. That 30 minutes gives you the space and teaches you that it's okay to now I can step out and maybe I can spend another 30 minutes, and you start to build on that and suddenly you start to wake up and realize, “Wow, I've got way, way more time than I ever thought I had.”

[0:26:26.3] LV: Yeah. I've come to this realization myself. I track my time and I have continuously for about four years. I feel I have a fairly full life, but there's still all kinds of space. I mean, I've realized that I do have time to read real books. Sometimes I don't feel reading real books. Again, that's a different matter. I do have time to read real books. I joined a choir about a year and a half ago, because I realized I had time to do it. We meet on Thursday evenings. I was not usually doing all that much of consequence on Thursday evenings, so it was fine to take that evening and rehearse my singing instead and we sing on Sunday mornings in church. Again, I was often not doing too much of consequence on Sunday mornings, so it's fine to make the time for it.

It makes me very happy to do. I'd love to have this music making back in my life. Yes, it requires time, but it's not an infinite amount of time. It's about four hours a week and there are 168 hours in a week, so those four hours really make a big difference.

[0:27:29.6] MB: Do you think it's a bigger challenge for people to discover what their priorities are, or to create space for their priorities in their lives?

[0:27:39.6] LV: I think sometimes it's harder to figure out your real priorities. I think some people would argue with me about that and say, “Well Laura, there's all these things I really want to do. Trust me, I'm just incredibly busy. I have no time whatsoever.” I know some people's lives are incredibly constrained for various reasons, but I do think that when you have a very good sense of what matters to you and are very clear on it, you wind up finding space for it.

It may not be five things that you love, but certainly one thing other than work and family might be possible to keep up with even during the years of building your career and if perhaps you have a young family as well.

As for work I mean, there are definitely ways to get closer over time to doing things professionally that make you feel incredibly fulfilled. I think people spend a lot of their 20s and 30s figuring out what that is and that can feel very frustrating like, “What should I be doing with my life? What can I uniquely contribute to the world? What is my professional calling and wouldn't it be nice if there was a way to just take a class in whatever that is in college and immediately get a job afterwards doing exactly what that is?”

Life doesn't work that way. It's a series of trial and error where you figure it out. I think that can actually be a great mindset to have that your first few jobs are all about figuring out what your priorities are professionally, like what you can do well, what you could do better than anyone else if you trained at it hard enough, what makes you feel fulfilled, like you're making an impact on the world? As you figure that out, you start to find ways to spend more of your time doing it and you become less tolerant of situations where you're not spending a whole lot of time on these things.

[0:29:29.8] MB: It's almost building a muscle. Once you start to start to flex that and build it up and I've had this experience personally as well, my tolerance now for things that don't fit within that wheelhouse just decreases and decreases every single year and I get more and more, for lack of a better term, ruthless about where I spend my time, because I realized the incredible both cost of it not going into the right things, but the opportunity and the excitement that comes with when it gets spent on the right things.

[0:29:57.4] LV: I agree with that. One of the big learnings – I mean, when I started out writing, I would write pretty much about anything, anyone who was willing to pay me for doing it. Over time, I've learned that some things make me a lot happier to write and I find a lot more interesting, some things a lot less so. I had an experience a couple months ago where I did a project that I realized just wasn't the right thing. I mean, that didn't get me out of doing it once I agreed to do it, because I'm a person of my word, because I'll do a good job on what I've agreed to do.

I decided to treat it as a real learning experience. The fact that you feel this way Laura, means you should never do this again in the future. Now you know. Never say yes to this thing again. That's a good learning. I mean, maybe it's sad that it took me to age 40 to figure that out, but better late than never.

[0:30:49.1] MB: In the book, towards the end of the book, you share a number of really practical simple questions for a reader to apply to their lives. I'd love to hear what some of those questions are and why they're so impactful so that listeners can digest them and apply them.

[0:31:08.2] LV: Yeah. Well, one was what we talked about earlier this idea of picturing yourself a couple years in the future. If you are fulfilled professionally and personally, what are you doing? Who is with you? Why are you doing the things you're doing? What impact are you having on the world that makes you so excited about what you're doing? Get this picture very clear and then figure out well, what steps could I take to get there? How could I spend more time in my current life on these things? What could I do in the next week to start making some progress toward some of these long-term priorities?

Then another practical question is who could hold me accountable for doing these things in the next week? Because a lot of us have really good intentions, but it's easy to say well, other stuff came up, or I meant to get to that. This is a really busy week. Well, I would have gotten to it, but there was whether the office was closed for a couple days, I had to do something – There's always going to be a reason that it's not a perfect week to do whatever it is.

Find somebody who will depending on what you respond to, either yell at you like a drill sergeant, or pokes you very kindly if you're into that instead, but somebody who will make sure that you know that somebody's watching you. For many people, that can be helpful for making sure that it actually gets done.

[0:32:29.3] MB: How do you think about balancing these macro goals and five-year visions with the daily and weekly activities that marry those two things together?

[0:32:43.2] LV: Well, I think it's important to always be making small steps toward these larger goals. Again, they can be very small steps. If you want to write a book, you can write a book writing 500 words a day or less really, as long as you just keep going. Challenge yourself to do at least one small thing ideally daily. Even if you can't do that, if you just do two or three things in this next week, two or three small steps toward your larger professional and personal goals, well that's a lot better than nothing. I promise that if you keep making two to three steps a week, well in a year, you've made 100 to 150 steps, which unless your goal is so far away, it's unseeable. You're probably going to be a lot closer if you've taken a 150 small steps toward whatever those goals might be.

[0:33:30.3] MB: Once we start to step into this place of prioritizing our own priorities and focusing our time on the things we want to focus it on, how do you deal with either the fear or the reality of disappointing other people, or not meeting their expectations?

[0:33:52.3] LV: It's hard, especially when people would like you to do things and they can be disappointed and it's within their right to feel disappointed. You can't control anyone else's feelings. I think if your goal is to go through life without disappointing anyone, you're going to have a very difficult life, because not – everyone else's goals for you are not the same as what yours are. It's your life. Ultimately, you are the one who has to determine where those hours go and you're the one who's going to have to look back on your life and answer whether those hours went places that you wish them to go.

This is an ongoing difficult process. Plenty of people have the experience of going into a line of work that maybe their parents didn't foresee that they were going to go into and then they have to deal with that disappointment, or going into different school, or maybe you choose a spouse that isn't exactly what your extended family thought what you would do. Or you don't choose a spouse at all. Again, that's not what your extended family thought you would do.

Then the disappointments just continue. I mean, if you managed to please every single colleague you ever work with, well, people's pleasure is often not a 100% justified. I mean, maybe somebody did work that needs to change. If you're only worried about pleasing them, then you've got a problem with that. It's just not a good goal to go through life that you will never disappoint anyone. I think you can go through goal with – go through life with the goal that you will do your best, that you will try to lessen the impact if somebody has a legitimate reason to be disappointed, but that you will not hold yourself hostage to that.

I think it also helps to have a little phrase, switching a phrase in our brains and often we’re like, “Oh, no. I did this.” Or, “Oh, no. Somebody feels this.” How about changing it to just oh, well. Somebody feels this. Oh, well. I didn't do this. Oh, well. Life continues. The honest truth and one final thing that that I think can help with this is I have people do this exercise. I asked them to tell me what they were thinking about and worried about on today's date two years ago. Very, very few people can do it, right? To say like, “Oh, yeah. I was actually really irritated about this memo I got about whatever.” You don't remember exactly what that was from two years ago, without if you actually went back through your inbox or something, or went back through your calendar. Without doing that, you have no idea what was annoying you two years ago. Likewise, whatever is keeping you up at night now probably will not matter in two years. You can kind of do yourself a favor and get over it two years early.

[0:36:38.7] MB: I like that. That's a great strategy. One of the other things that I was really interesting and this is probably my own inner time management nerd coming out, but towards the end of the book, you had one of the exercises which was just a giant Excel spreadsheet basically to fill out, I believe it's by the half hour, or maybe it was by the hour, I forget, but for how you spent every single piece of your day. To me, that's another strategy similar to the notion of scheduling your priorities, which is so simple and yet so few people actually do, which is just measuring where your time actually goes.

[0:37:18.7] LV: Yeah. I think all novels should have a spreadsheet in them. I'm looking on starting a new trend there. No, I track my time on those weekly spreadsheets and I encourage other people to do so as well. The best way to start spending time better is to figure out where it is going now. There's really no way around this. It's like trying to lose weight while being completely blind to what you're putting in your mouth. I mean, maybe you'll get lucky and it'll work, but I probably wouldn't bet on it. It's the same thing with time. If we want to spend our time better, we should figure out exactly where it goes, not where we think it goes, because people have all kinds of stories they will tell themselves about where the time really goes.

I mean, fascinating stories. You said you were a data geek here. I mean, there are some hilarious time studies about people's mismatch between perceptions and reality. One of my favorite was about a gym that people knew that they had whatever, a key fob, or whatever as they were signing in to their gym, that recorded exactly how many times they were there, right? It was not in question how many times they had been in the gym. Yet when they were asked how many times they had been during that time, they gave answers that were double the amount of times they had actually been to the gym.

In their minds, these people were exercising all the time. The fact that they didn't was just some weird quirk of the universe. I don't know. We've got all sorts of stories about where the time goes. Time log will take those away quickly and I think that's a good thing, because if you know how many hours you are working, then you can make good choices within those hours, you can make good choices with the hours you have outside of work. If you know how many hours you are spending on say chores, you can decide if you think that's right, or if it should be different.

If you see how much time you're spending with friends and family, you can decide if you think that's a good amount, or if you think it should be higher, or maybe you think it should be lower. I don’t know. Maybe that's your issue. You just don't know. Unless you see the numbers, it's really hard to make rational decisions, as opposed to decisions that are made because you're telling yourself catastrophic stories of I'm working around the clock. Well, are you really? Really, you never sleep? You've never gone to anything else in the past month? Or I travel all the time. Well, let's look at the number of hotel nights. Often it comes out to fewer over the course of the year than one might think. Find the data, make better choices.

[0:39:41.6] MB: Earlier, you mentioned the snooze button. That was one of the things personally that I uncovered in a previous time on it was that until I really looked at my time, I realized I was laying in bed. I would get up and then I would take my phone and I would look at my phone for 45 minutes reading and looking at social media and all this stuff. That once I actually started recording and looking at how I was spending my time, I realized that there was a massive amount of wasted time every single morning that I could carve out by simply just getting out of bed when I wake up, instead of wasting all that time on my phone.

[0:40:14.0] LV: It's pretty easy to do if your phone is your alarm clock. That's a easy hack for people right there is get yourself a real alarm clock and then you won't be quite as tempted by that. Your phone can go sleep in another room, where it won't then bother you first thing. Yeah, people find that thing all the time, or find that they were snoozing for an average of 27 minutes, whatever, the multiples of nine minutes three times each morning. Why not get that as real sleep? Set your alarm for the time you'll actually get out of bed, as opposed to spending it in these little, small unhelpful chunks of sleep.

Or one thing I found when I track my time is I spent way more time in the car than I thought I did. I ran my business out of a home office, so in my mind there's no daily commute. Therefore, I must be spending negligible amount of time in the car, but that's not true. I mean, between errands and running family members around and traveling to different things, I average more than an hour a day in the car, which is not insignificant at all. Now that I know that, I can challenge myself to make more of that time, whether it's listening to podcasts, or if I have a family member in the car with me, recognizing that this is time we have together and I should be aware of that, instead of viewing it as time that doesn't exist.

[0:41:27.0] MB: That's another great strategy. In some ways, I have a little bit of a mix opinion about because sometimes I feel this habit that I have pulls me away from being present sometimes, but I'm a huge fan of what I call double-dipping, which is basically any dead time I have, I try to make more use out of it. If I'm brushing my teeth, I might be listening to a podcast, or watching something on YouTube, or reading an article. I'm always trying to capitalize on all of those dead moments, or those little slivers of wasted time and turn that into something where I can be productive, or learning, etc.

[0:42:00.7] LV: Well, there's nothing wrong with using time, using bits of time. I think you could – it's fine to have downtime too. I mean, you could consciously say well, this 10 minutes here where I'm waiting, I'm just going to let my mind wander where it goes. I'm going to look up at the clouds and feel happy about looking up at the clouds, challenging myself not to pull out the phone and look at social media or something like that. I think that would be a great use of time as well.

The problem is that most people use those little bits of time for mindless activities. They do add up. My time in the car wasn't coming as a solid hour every day. I mean, I would notice it if I was in the car for an hour straight. It's because it was in eight-minute chunks here and there. Eight minutes going to this place and five minutes to the post office and eight minutes at the grocery store. Because of that it, wasn't registering because it wasn't big, but that is real time and it's time there.

If it makes you happy to do other things, to listen to stuff, or to learn stuff, or to reach out to someone in those bits of time, then that's great. If it makes you happy to do absolutely nothing in the sense of having fallow time, which I think is where the best ideas often arise, then by all means do that too.

[0:43:12.4] MB: For listeners who want to and then you've shared a number of really specific applicable ideas here, but for listeners who want to concretely start somewhere in implementing these ideas in their lives, what would be one piece of homework or one action item that you would give them to begin the journey of starting to understand their priorities and allocate their time accordingly?

[0:43:36.1] LV: Well, I always suggest time tracking. I know I sound like a broken record on this, but it's actually really easy to get started. One thing you can do is just sit down right now and or if you're listening to this in a car, don’t do this, but once you get to a place where you can write down write, down what you've done over the previous 24 hours. Most people can remember the previous 24 hours with a reasonable degree of accuracy. I mean, time logs, put it somewhere between about 80%, 90%, which for our purposes is probably good enough.

What did you do over the previous 24 hours? Write this down. Well, now you've got one day of data. Now just do the next day 24 hours from now, starting now and wow, you've got two days. You've already got some that could be reasonable to start to see some patterns with. Just keep going like this one day at a time until you get to a week and you'll find all sorts of interesting things. I promise, it's a interesting exercise.

[0:44:29.2] MB: As Peter Drucker said, what gets measured gets managed.

[0:44:32.5] LV: Time really can be measured. I mean, that's the good thing about it. There's many other things in life that can't, but I can find out for sure how much time I was spending in the car. That doesn't mean that I've figured out my big priorities based on that, but it helps. Because then when I know what material I'm working with, I can make better choices with it. Since life is lived in hours, we're going to build what lives we want out of allocating those hours in the right ways. Knowing where they go is really more important than it might sound.

[0:45:06.6] MB: For listeners who want to find you, the new book and your previous work online, what's the best place for them to do that?

[0:45:13.6] LV: Well, I hope your listeners will come visit me at lauravanderkam.com. That's just my name. Can learn all about my previous books and this new one, Juliet’s School of Possibilities, which we mentioned earlier is a time management fable. Combining what I've learned about time management over the years into a story, that hopefully people will find memorable and help make these lessons a little bit more clear.

[0:45:37.7] MB: Well Laura, thank you so much for coming on the show, for coming to show once again actually and sharing all of this wisdom and all these insights.

[0:45:45.9] LV: Thank you so much for having me back. I really appreciate it.

[0:45:49.1] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners, master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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March 14, 2019 /Lace Gilger
Focus & Productivity
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The Epic Mental Framework You Need To Master Any Skill and Defeat Fear and Uncertainty with Josh Kaufman

March 07, 2019 by Lace Gilger in Focus & Productivity

In this episode we discuss how you can understand the world with powerful clarity. What makes other people behave in certain ways? What are the most important concepts and ideas in the business world? Do you often feel like you’re looking for a magic bullet or paint-by-numbers approach to solving your problems? The solution to all of these questions lies in the powerful framework that we explain in-depth and show you how to apply with our guest Josh Kaufman. 

  • Why Mental Models are so important and one of the best thinking frameworks you can use to organize information and understand the world.

  • Mental models are universal, important, and flexible concepts that describe how the world works in some key way 

  • Charlie Munger - The Godfather of Mental Models 

  • Mental models - for me - come from a fundamental place of curiosity - I'm obsessed with understanding HOW and WHY things work - businesses, humans, success etc - and I find mental models to be a very helpful tool for organizing the reasons that things happen in the world 

  • Mental models are cognitive tools to approach any situation and understand it better 

  • How does the world work? 

  • What makes other people behave in certain ways?

  • What are the most important concepts and ideas in the business world?

  • Mental models are one of the defining factors that separate ultra achievers from people who plateau in their lives and careers

  • People overcomplicate it and often misunderstand what mental models are - or they waive it off and say “yeah I’ve heard a lot of people mention that, I just don’t have time to dig into that right now - what would you say to them?

  • Mental models are powerful and systematically underrated and studying mental models is one of, if not the most, high leverage activities you can do with your time 

  • You usually search for a magic bullet or a paint-by-numbers approach to solving the problem you are currently facing - but mental models shine light on the underlying reality and the issues and gives you a more robust and useful way to understand and solve problems again and again. 

  • We often fall prey to having too narrow of a focus and ignore the bigger picture, we often under-value versatility and a broader persecutive - which mental models give you. 

  • Key pieces of a mental model

    • The idea

    • Why it is that way (why it works

    • How to apply it

  • What are the most useful mental models to start with? What mental models does Josh frequently apply over and over again?

    • “The 5 Parts of Every Business"

      1. Value Creation (business model) 

      2. Attention of Prospects (marketing) 

      3. Convince Prospects to Pay (sales)

      4. Deliver Value (ops)

      5. Analyze Efforts (finance) 

    • “4 Methods to Increase Revenue"

      1. Increase # of Customers

      2. Increase Avg Transaction Size

      3. Increase Frequency of Transactions Per Customer

      4. Raise Prices

      1. “Standard Operating Procedure” 

        1. In this situation - what are we supposed to do to solve this problem?

        2. Checklists are a great subset or example of this

        3. Checklists are extremely powerful - even for very smart and highly capable people - they create a major shift in outcomes - “wash hands with soap” example

  • How do you start with mental models? How do you begin to implement them into your life?

  • Do you want to start implementing mental models into your life? We share specific tools and resources

  • What do people often get wrong about the 10,000 hour rule?

  • The “status malfunction” mental model and how it often skews our thinking about how the world works 

  • Have you ever said “I would really like to learn how to do something new” but felt like you didn’t have the time?

  • The “Law of Practice” - the early hours of practice at a skill lead to an extremely rapid improvement and development in skills 

  • What’s the method or framework for rapidly learning any skill in 20 hours or less?

    • Step One - Decide What You Want To Learn - Get Specific and Get Clear

      1. How will you know when you’ve reached that particular level of skill? 

    • Step Two - Deconstruct That Skill Into Smaller Sub Skills

      1. Many of the things we think of as “skills” are actually bundles of lots of smaller skills 

      2. Work on practicing and drilling down into the smaller sub-sets of skills 

      1. Step Three - Learn Enough About Each Sub Skill to Self Correct 

        1. Don’t get stuck in over-researching before you jump in - this is a form of procrastination 

      2. Step Four - Remove Barriers To Practice

        1. Physical, Mental or Emotional 

        2. Remove friction 

      3. Step Five - Pre-Commit To Practicing At Least 20 Hours

        1. Precommiting is a KEY COMPONENT

        2. 40 mins per day for a month

        3. If you aren’t willing to precommit this skill probably doesn’t have enough value or interest for you

        4. This pre-commitment helps overcome frustration of the first 3-5 hours or so

  • The major barrier to learning isn’t intellectual - it’s emotional

  • Adult learners often struggle when they compare their skill level with that of other people. Your job is not to compare yourself with others - it's to compare yourself AFTER the 20 hour framework to yourself BEFORE the 20 hour framework. 

  • How to fight a hydra is a story of - Ambition, Uncertainty, Risk, Fear of the Unknown 

  • How do you act in the face of fear and uncertainty?

  • What’s the best way to handle scary or uncertain situations?

  • The power of showing people instead of telling people. 

  • How do you deal with the difficulties and self doubts of whether or not you are doing the right thing?

  • Where do most people go wrong with their approach to uncertainty and fear of the unknown?

  • Most people wish uncertainty would go away - they think that if the uncertainty is still there that they are doing something wrong and that they need to change course - but it’s the opposite - you have to be willing to tolerate, accept, and live with uncertainty.

  • Uncertainty will always be there, it will never go away, and that’s not a problem - it’s part of how the universe works.

  • Fiction is a powerful way to shape people’s thinking - and can be more impactful than non fiction - because people can internalize the lessons and ideas as a lived experience.

  • Homework: Do some research on mental models and do some reading and learning around mental models. Start filling your mental model toolbox. A practical way to do this - choose to read or listen to something that is dramatically outside your area of expertise. Broaden your intellectual landscape as much as you can. 

  • Homework: If you were going to invest 20 hours into learning how to do something that is either personally fulfilling or very helpful for work - if you invested 30 to 40 mins per day for a month - what skill would you focus on first and why? Is that skill really worth committing 20 hours of practice?

  • Use the “PICS” to help specify and clarify what you want to do:

    1. Positive

    2. Immediate

    3. Concrete

    4. Specific 

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Want To Dig In More?! - Here’s The Show Notes, Links, & Research

General

Josh’s website JoshKaufman.net

Media

  • The First 20 Hours Book Site

  • The Personal MBA Book Site

  • Farnam Street: Mental Models: The Best Way to Make Intelligent Decisions (109 Models Explained)

  • Medium - “Josh Kaufman: How To Learn Anything From Scratch” by Louis Chew

  • Forbes - “Josh Kaufman: It Takes 20 Hours Not 10,000 Hours To Learn A Skill” by Dan Schawbel (2013)

  • Poets and Quants - “Why Josh Kaufman Thinks Business School Is A Waste” by John A. Byrne (from 2010)

  • [Podcast] Accidental Creative - AC Podcast: Josh Kaufman on The First 20 Hours

  • [Podcast] Bookworm - (Book Reviews) 21: The Personal MBA by Josh Kaufman

  • [Podcast] Pharmacy Leaders Podcast - Ep 184 Personal MBA Author Josh Kaufman Part I

Videos

  • The Psychology of Human Misjudgement - Charlie Munger Full Speech

  • The first 20 hours -- how to learn anything | Josh Kaufman | TEDxCSU

  • I Will Teach You to Be Rich - How to learn any skill rapidly, with Josh Kaufman and Ramit Sethi

  • Olivier Roland English - The 4 BEST business books, chosen by Josh Kaufman (author of the Personal MBA)

  • The RSA - How to Learn Anything... Fast - Josh Kaufman

    • Streamed event: RSA Replay - How to Learn Anything...Fast

  • Josh Kaufman | Talks at Google

  • Productivity Game - The 5 parts to every business: THE PERSONAL MBA by Josh Kaufman

  • Quick Talks - Josh Kaufman | 20 Hours to Learn Anything (Key Points Talk)

  • Bulldog Mindset - How To Fight A Hydra (Book Review)

  • Gabe Bult - How to fight a Hydra: (Entrepreneurial book) review and takeaways

Books

  • [Amazon Author Page] Josh Kaufman

  • [Amazon Author Page] Atul Gawande

  • [Book] The Personal MBA: Master the Art of Business by Josh Kaufman

  • [Book] How to Fight a Hydra: Face Your Fears, Pursue Your Ambitions, and Become the Hero You Are Destined to Be  by Josh Kaufman

  • [Book] The First 20 Hours: How to Learn Anything . . . Fast!  By Josh Kaufman

  • [Book] Worldly Wisdom: Collected Quotations and Aphorisms  by Josh Kaufman and Carlos Miceli

Misc

  • [Transcript] A Lesson on Elementary Worldly Wisdom by Charlie Munger

  • [SoS Episode] How To Stop Living Your Life On Autopilot, Take Control, and Build a Toolbox of Mental Models to Understand Reality with Farnam Street’s Shane Parrish

Episode Transcript

[00:00:04.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[0:00:11.8] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success; the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than three million downloads and listeners in over a hundred countries.

In this episode, we discuss how you can understand the world with powerful clarity, what makes other people behave in certain ways? What are the most important concepts and ideas in the business world? Do you often feel like you’re looking for a magic bullet, or a paint by numbers approach to solving your problems? The solution to all of these questions lies in the powerful framework that we explain in-depth and show you how to apply with our guest, Josh Kaufman.

Do you need more time? Time for work, time for thinking and reading, time for the people in your life, time to accomplish your goals? This was the number one problem our listeners outlined and we created a new video guide that you can get completely for free when you sign up and join our e-mail list. It's called How You Can Create Time for the Things That Really Matter in Life. You can get it completely for free when you sign up and join the e-mail list at successpodcast.com.

You're also going to get exclusive content that's only available to our e-mail subscribers. We recently pre released an episode in an interview to our e-mail subscribers a week before it went live to our broader audience and that had tremendous implications, because there is a limited offer in there with only 50 available spots that got eaten up by the people who were on the e-mail list first.

With that same interview, we also offered an exclusive opportunity for people on our e-mail list to engage one-on-one for over an hour with one of our guests in a live exclusive interview just for e-mail subscribers. There's some amazing stuff that's available only to e-mail subscribers that's only going on if you subscribe and sign up to the e-mail list. You can do that by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the home page.

Or if you're driving around right now, if you're out and about and you're on the go, you don't have time, just text the word “smarter” to the number 44-222. That's S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44-222.

In our previous episode, we discussed how you can find your purpose in life, especially when you're lost or confused about what to do next. We heard some incredible stories and unforgettable lessons from people who were fighting through life-threatening illnesses and looked at how to really push yourself beyond what you thought was possible to achieve what truly matters to you. We discussed all of that and much more with our previous guest, Jon Vroman. If you want to find your purpose in life, listen to our previous episode.

Now, for our interview with Josh.

[0:02:56.2] MB: Today, we have another exciting guest on the show, Josh Kaufman. Josh is a researcher and author of three best-selling books; The Personal MBA, The First 20 Hours and most recently, How to Fight a Hydra: Face Your Fears, Pursue Your Ambitions and Become the Hero You're Destined To Be.

Josh has been featured as the number one best-selling author in business and money. He's ranked on amazon.com. His website joshkaufman.net was named to one of the top 100 websites for entrepreneurs by Forbes and his work has been featured in The New York Times, Wall Street Journal and much more. Josh, welcome to the Science of Success.

[0:03:27.9] JK: Thanks, Matt. Great to be here.

[0:03:29.1] MB: Well, we're very excited to have you on the show. As I was telling you in our little pre-show conversation, Personal MBA is one of my all-time favorite books and a book I highly recommend to people all the time. I actually recommended it to someone yesterday. One of my most dog-eared and note filled books.

I think the thing about Personal MBA, it might have been one of the first books that introduced me to mental models as a toolkit, as a thinking framework. As longtime listeners will know, Charlie Munger is a huge intellectual hero of mine. I'd love to start today and dig into a little bit how you uncovered your own personal journey of using and thinking in mental models and the importance of using mental models.

[0:04:11.9] JK: Sure. Super glad to hear that the book has been useful to you. That's really the reason that I wrote it. It came out of a personal project that I wanted to learn all of this for my own use, to use in my own career and my own businesses. The idea around the book is that putting everything that's important to understand about business in one central place where someone can pick it up and learn a lot and be able to use it whatever their career, or industry happens to be. That was the purpose of the book, so I'm very happy to hear that it worked for you.

The genesis of The Personal MBA came around this idea of mental models. Mental models are these universal, very important and flexible concepts that describe how the world works in some important way. This is something that unconsciously as I was going through the process of learning about business that I was searching for, but the term yet as you mentioned, I first came across mental models in the work of Charlie Munger, who is not very well-known, aside from investment circles. He just happens to be the long-term business partner of Warren Buffett, whom a lot of people have heard of.

Charlie is an interesting guy. He is an investor and a businessman, but he didn't start that way. He started his career as an attorney and as a meteorologist of all things, and decided that he wanted to learn a lot more about business. He started looking for these critical, universal, very important principles that would help him understand what a business was and how it functioned on a very deep level. Then his application of that is being able to take this knowledge and look at an existing business, or look at a business opportunity and figure out both, does this make sense? Is this working the way that I expect it to work? Is there funny business going on here?

In his investing career, Charlie would often use these sorts of concepts to figure out – so think of a business like Enron, it looks really great on paper. Something about it, if you dig into it just doesn't make sense. Both on the identifying opportunities and identifying potential mistakes, or traps, or things that you could avoid, mental models are a very useful orienting framework about both what you should learn and the types of things that you should pay attention to, versus others.

It's very easy to get bogged down in the minutia of techniques that apply to only one area of business, or a very specific approach to a very narrow problem. Mental models are our way of going above that to understand the totality of what it is that you're trying to do and then have a wide variety of tools, for lack of a better term, to approach any situation in business or entrepreneurship that you would be likely to face.

[0:06:52.7] MB: For me, I think mental models fundamentally stem from a place of curiosity. I'm obsessed with understanding how and why things work, whether businesses, other people, what makes people successful, I've personally found mental models and through Personal MBA in many ways to be a great way for organizing all these different facts in some structure that's coherent and helps explain the reason that things happen in the world.

[0:07:19.4] JK: Yeah. Part of the models that I talk about in The Personal MBA, it came out simultaneously out of both research and practice. At the time that I started the project, I was working at one of the largest corporations in the world, Procter & Gamble, doing product development and marketing. On the side, I was starting my own businesses. I had this interesting experience of working in the largest of the large and the smallest of the small, literally just me, and trying to figure out okay, what are the things that I need to know? How do I need to approach new opportunities, or new ideas? How should I interact with other people? How can I learn to work more effectively, to be more productive, to make better decisions, to have better ideas?

Early in my career, one of the things that I’ve decided to do very strategically was to read an enormous amount of business training material; books and resources and courses. The thing that you realize very quickly when you start reading a lot of business material is you see a lot of the same ideas come up over and over and over again. That's no accident. It's because those ideas, or those ways of thinking about this thing that we're all trying to do happen to be very useful and applicable well beyond some very specific narrow situations.

The more of those mental models, the more of those cognitive tools that you can pick up and just maybe you don't use them every day of your life, but having them in the back of your mind when you see something new, or you're trying to think through a new opportunity, being able to think about, “Oh, that reminds me about this thing that I learned,” and have a framework, or have an approach to how to look at this particular opportunity, it makes an enormous difference. I think that's what separates the people who do really well in their careers and in their life long-term, versus people who might do very well in a narrow sense and then just fizzle out over a couple of years.

[0:09:08.3] MB: I think that's such an important point. I feel when I bring up mental models, a lot of people either over complicate it, or misunderstand what they are, or even almost roll their eyes and say, “Yeah, yeah. I hear all kinds of people talking about that. I just don't have the time and energy to dig into it.” What would you say to someone who has a reaction like that?

[0:09:29.0] JK: Yeah. It feels this big, nebulous abstract thing. I really wish that there were a better term. I've used the term cognitive tools a couple times. I think that is moving in the right direction. It's something that you learn that you're going to be able to pull out and use in certain situations to think about certain things.

I think in general, concepts and resources around how to think about fill in the blank are really systematically underrated. A lot of people when they search for either business training, or ideas, or books, or whatever, there's this incredible impulse to search for a magic bullet. I need something that is directly applicable to my situation, in my situation only, that's going to give me a paint-my-numbers approach to getting the result that I'm looking for.

I think the more people can look at that and say – there's a legitimate desire there, right? It would be really nice to come in and solve a problem overnight, or to be able to snap your fingers and have the result that you're looking for. In terms of how you think about how you invest your time and energy in getting better, looking for those silver bullets has a very real opportunity cost; A, those silver bullets usually don't exist. B, you can invest the same amount of time and energy and practice becoming very skilled and very versatile about thinking about the entirety of this set of things that you might like to do.

As you're getting better at entrepreneurship for example, or getting better at communication, or leadership, you can either focus on the narrow and the super practical, but not very versatile. Or you can just take one step higher than that and learn things that are going to be useful for the rest of your life and the rest of your career. Making that invest has the best long-term return of anything that I can think of.

[0:11:15.0] MB: I truly believe that studying mental models is one of, if not, the most high-leverage activities that anyone can participate in.

[0:11:22.5] JK: Yeah, absolutely agreed.

[0:11:24.1] MB: One of the other really important components of mental models that Munger talks about and I think Personal MBA is a great example of as well is the importance of having a multidisciplinary approach to understanding the world. I'd love to hear your thoughts on that.

[0:11:39.6] JK: Yeah. It's very easy for us in all – whatever industry or market or discipline you happen to know a lot about. It's very easy to have to narrow a focus. For example, if you're a doctor, or an architect, or a programmer, or think of any professional skill that you would use on a day-in day-out basis, the easiest thing to do is to just focus on learning more about that thing. Yeah, to a certain extent, developing deep expertise in the topic that you used to create and provide value to other people is a good use of your time. Focusing on that area exclusively to the abandonment of everything else that you're going to interact with on a daily basis, that is a very sub-optimal approach.

Learning just a little bit and it doesn't have to be deep expertise, but learning a little bit about business and how businesses work, learning psychology, so communication and personal productivity and all of the things about how to interact in a positive, productive way with other people, you can get enormous benefits from that. Understanding systems, what systems are, how they work, how to look at the systems that are active in your life or in your field or discipline and be able to analyze and improve them over a long period of time; that's a tremendous asset that will serve you well no matter what you do in your career.

It's very common to see people who at the beginning of their career go very deep on one particular discipline to the exclusion of everything else. Then they decide for whatever reason, maybe it's a change of heart, or a desire to enter another field. Maybe it's a layoff. Some unexpected event happens and you're no longer in that field anymore, or you want to explore something else for a while.

Undervaluing versatility and being able to operate well in different environments whatever those environments might be, that versatility is a very real asset. You have options that other people won't have and you will see opportunities that other people won't see. Training yourself to think about what you do in a multidisciplinary way, bringing together your skill and business and people and systems and thinking about all of that at once and having the tools to think about all of the various interplays between those topics in your particular field, that gives you an enormous advantage.

[0:13:53.6] MB: You mentioned psychology in many ways. That's why our show has such a focus on psychology, because and I think Munger is probably the one who showed me this, the mental models from psychology are so relevant. It seems almost esoteric or 20,000 foot, or too big picture to be studying or thinking about all these obscure cognitive biases, or things that cause humans to behave in certain ways or do goofy things. The reality is that the mental models from psychology are so relevant, because they apply in everything you do in every single interaction that you have.

[0:14:26.8] JK: Absolutely. Yeah. If you're marketing and you don't understand what social proof is and why it's important and how it's potentially useful and how it can be abused, you're going to have a tremendous disadvantage when it comes to figuring out how to market in a way that's going to work. In the same way, selling things, if you don't know how authority works, you're going to have a really hard time.

The nice thing about these particular ideas, entire books have been written on most of them, but really the parts of the mental model that carry most of the weight is the idea and why it is that way and how to think about applying it to real life situations. If you understand that, you're going to be able to use that to think through whatever it is that you happen to be facing right now.

[0:15:08.9] MB: Are there any mental models that you frequently either find yourself applying, or constantly referencing, or even that you think are vital for people to understand and internalize?

[0:15:19.6] JK: Yeah. There are a couple. In The Personal MBA, these are the more framework or checklist these sorts of mental models. There's one that I use all the time and I've used this everything from having a conversation with a friend about this idea that they want to explore, all the way up to conversations with C-level executives about setting their corporate strategy for the next five to 10 years.

I call it the five parts of every business and it’s really simple. Every business creates something of value, so that's value creation. They get the attention of prospects, so people who might want it, that's marketing. They convince those prospects that this is something worth paying money for, which is sales. They deliver the value that they've promised to their paying customers, which is value delivery, and then they analyze their efforts. For value creation and marketing and value delivery, typically the business is spending money, so you need to track how much you're spending.

In sales, that's the magical point in the business where money flows in, you need to pay attention to how much. Then you analyze how much is coming in versus how much is going out and you answer two very fundamental questions; A, is more money coming in than going out? Because if not, you're in trouble. B, is it enough? Is it enough to make this business an ongoing, sustainable concern long-term? That's the essence of finance.

Just that framework of five ideas; value creation, marketing, sales, value delivery and finance, gives you a tremendous amount of leverage when it comes to both evaluating new business opportunities and analyzing existing businesses. You can take any business in the world and try to figure out okay, how does this business fulfill this critical function that every business must have?

You can use it to do everything from create a new business plan to look through some of the public records for publicly traded company. You can do the same analysis. How are they creating value? How are they spreading the word? How are they selling? How are they delivering? Then what do the financials look like?

As a general purpose framework, it's the smallest possible set of things that you need to think about when you're thinking about a business in any way, shape or form. It's a really handy tool to have when new opportunities make themselves known to you. There are some similar things, so on the finance side. A lot of conversations that I have with business type folks is around well, I want to make more money. How can we bring in more revenue than we are right now?

It helps that when you dig through the literature, there are really only four ways to do that. I call this in a very straightforward way, the four methods to increase revenue, because that's what they are. The four things that you can do is you can increase the number of customers, so more people in the door. You can increase the average transaction size. Get the people who are buying to buy more in each instance that they're buying. You can increase the frequency of transactions per customer. Get your customers to buy more often than they are right now, or you can raise your prices. Those are the four options that you have open to you.

It might look very different in terms of how individual businesses in different markets actually do these things. When it comes down to it, if you want to make more money, those four things are the things that you need to think about. It's a very handy checklist of I know the outcome I want. I'm not exactly sure how to get there yet, so let's go back to these four fundamental approaches and just generate some ideas of how we might apply those tools in this particular circumstance.

[0:18:39.7] MB: You mentioned checklist a couple times, which I think is also a really great way as you're beginning your journey into understanding mental models, even if you haven't internalized, or deeply thought about, or studied the huge array of them, you can often find just googling checklist of mental models, or even finding mental models for specific activities is a great way to when you're encountering a particular problem, let's say with sales, right, is a good example. You can run through a checklist of some of these models and say, “Oh, does this one apply? Does this one apply? Etc.

[0:19:10.2] JK: Yeah, exactly. Checklists are a great example of there's a meta-concept on top of checklist, which is standard operating procedure. In this type of situation, how are we going about solving this thing, or analyzing this thing in the moment? Checklists are really great for things that you do over and over and over again that you know what approach or process should be. I'm sure you have a checklist every time before you record one of these episodes of I need to turn on my microphone and put on my headphones.

For me, I turn off the heat and air conditioner, so there's not a low-pitch rumble in the background that the mic is going to pick up. Setting phones to silent. All of those things that you would need to do, a checklist just helps you – instead of in the moment having to remember to do all of these things and very often, our memories are imperfect, or we're in a hurry so some critical things are skipped. A checklist is just a way of getting that process out of your head onto paper in a way that lets you go through and just say, “Yup. Done, done, done, done, done. Okay, ready to go.”

There are all sorts of different industries that use checklists to really great effect. Every time a commercial, or shoot even individual pilot takes off, taxis to the runway to fly an airplane, they go through a pre-flight checklist and there's a really good reason for that. It helps make sure that the flight is going to go according to plan and that the aircraft is in good condition and ready to take off and then the pilot knows what they need to do in order to get the airplane off the ground and then back on the ground safely.

[0:20:40.8] MB: Without going too deep down the checklist rabbit hole, obviously Atul Gawande’s book is a great resource on that. It's funny, because people also think, “Oh, I don't need a checklist. I've got it down. I don't need to look at one.” Even people who are high-level and obviously checklist manifesto has some great examples of this, but there's so much research around the medical establishment and the inclusion of bare-bones, extremely basic checklist for things like washing your hands over time have a tremendous impact on infection rates and even mortality in hospitals.

[0:21:12.2] JK: Yeah, that's one of my favorite examples. I think the study if I'm remembering right, was done at a hospital in Detroit. One of the big problems that they were having is when an IV is inserted into a patient, the site where the IV tube is inserted, you obviously use a needle for that and there's a tube sticking out of your arm. The longer that tube stays in, the higher the probability that that line will become infected over time.

This hospital was just having atrocious problems with over the course of, I think it was 10 days. There were a high number of people whose IV lines were getting infected. They established a – I think it was a five-step checklist. The steps were very simple. Step one was wash hands with soap. You hope that you don't need to remind the doctor to do this before, but it was on the checklist and a lot of doctors didn't like that.

I think step two was clean the site with antiseptic, put sterile drapes over, wear gloves and put a dressing over the IV insertion site after it was in. Really simple, not even Medicine 101, like common-sense things. The doctors when they were like, “Okay, we're doing a study. Everybody has to follow the checklist.” The nurses were empowered to stop the doctor and make them follow the checklist if they weren't following the checklist, which doesn't happen very often.

The doctors nearly revolted, but eventually they said, “Okay, we're going to do this for the study.” I actually just looked it up. By using this five-step checklist, the 10-day IV line infection rate dropped from 11% hospital-wide to 0% and it saved the hospital over two million dollars in medical costs, just for using this very simple, very straightforward common-sense checklist.

[0:22:58.8] MB: That's amazing. I'm so glad you looked up the numbers, because it shows you that even very smart, highly capable people who's – we're getting into some other mental models, but whose ego can sometimes get in the way of following these instructions that they feel are even too basic, or too simple for them, create – in 10 days, created a two million dollar shift and a massive reduction in infections.

[0:23:20.6] JK: Sure. Or even think of an ER doctor. Someone comes into the operating room about to die, there's a lot going on. It's really easy to skip a step, or forget to do something when there is chaos all around you. Just having in the midst of that chaos, having some systems and having some procedures to follow, even basic checklist like these, they make a world of difference.

[0:23:45.0] MB: For somebody who's listening to this conversation and they say, “Okay, I'm sold on mental models. That's starting to make sense to me.” What would you recommend as a beginning point to start down that path of really understanding, learning and beginning to implement mental models into your life?

[0:24:00.8] JK: Yeah. The two resources that I would recommend – actually three. The personal MBA was essentially written as a central repository of mental models, specifically for business and management. If you're interested in starting a company, or you’re in your career now and you want to get better and improve your business skills regardless of what you do for a living; Personal MBA was written specifically for that purpose.

There's also a really wonderful speech by Charlie Munger that he gave many, many years ago, where he talked about essentially his high-level rough cut of the mental models that he thinks about, which has some overlap with The Personal MBA, but also quite a bit if you are interested in investing as a topic. Munger is definitely an investor by experience and by trade, and so his application focuses way more on the investing side of things than Personal MBA.

Also, Shane Parrish from Farnam Street has a wonderful post that he is continuously updating on all of the different models and he is crossing both; business management, decision-making and investment. If you're going to look at three resources, those are the three to look at first.

[0:25:10.3] MB: Great, great list of resources. Shane's a previous guests on the show, so we'll make sure to include his episode where we also go deep into mental models in the show notes and the speech. I don't know if it's exactly the one you're referencing or not, but there's one where Munger shares the 27 mental models from psychology that have been really impactful for him. I've probably watched that YouTube video over a hundred times. I would just watch it on repeat again and again and again, until I had drilled and distilled every single one of those biases, those cognitive biases into my head and I had a really good understanding of all of them.

[0:25:43.0] JK: Yeah. The speech that I'm thinking of is a lesson on elementary worldly wisdom as it relates to investment management and business. It's a wonderful, wonderful speech. It was to the USC Business School in 1994.

[0:25:58.0] MB: Well, we'll make sure to throw that one in the show notes as well. Munger obviously, I could sing his praises all day. You have so much other work. I mean, mental models is incredibly vital and important topic, but I want to explore some of the other themes and ideas that you've previously researched and written about. One of the other ones that has come up with previously on the show that I think you have a really unique take on is the 10,000 hour rule, which is a convenient example of to some degree a mental model, right? I'd be very curious for you to share with the listeners why, or what people often misunderstand, or get wrong about the 10,000 hour rule.

[0:26:36.4] JK: Sure. One of the things that I think about a lot and is one of the newer models that I see coming up over and over again, and I wrote a post on this a while back. I call it status malfunction. When something is very flashy or high status in some way, shape or form, so imagine everything around celebrity culture, or following executives of large companies, people, billionaires, things like that. The higher status something is, the more people tend to both pay attention and wait that particular source of information, or advice, or perspective.

I think that that can very often lead to us allocating our attention and waiting certain factors way more highly than we should. What's interesting about the 10,000 hour rule, everybody – it seems like everybody has heard of this, came out of Malcolm Gladwell's book, The Tipping Point, based in large part on the research of K. Anders Ericsson of I think it was Florida State University. In general, the 10,000 hour rule as paraphrased by Gladwell is top performers in ultra-competitive industries, so think professional sports, think chess grandmasters, violinists at super prestigious – in super prestigious orchestras, things like that. How much practice did it take for them to get to that point?

The answer was to a general order of magnitude, 10,000 hours over the course of about 10 years. In as far as the research is concerned, that's great. If you want to be a top performer in an ultra-competitive field, that's probably what you should expect in terms of the effort you're going to need to invest to get to the top.

I was really interested in this as an example potentially of status malfunction. Most of the time when we go about deciding to learn something new, the motivating factor is not, “I am going to demonstrably become the best in the world at this particular thing. No one can stop me. Ha, ha, ha, ha.” It's we want to learn a skill, either for our own practical use, maybe we have a use for it in our professional life, or in our personal life. Or maybe we're interested in it for fun. This sounds something new and engaging and interesting to explore, so I want to figure out what this is about and if this is right for me.

What I was noticing as the 10,000 hour rule became more and more popular, I was noticing a lot of people would use it as an excuse for not getting started in the first place. Like, “Oh, I would really like to learn how to play the piano,” to take a random example, “but I just don't have 10,000 hours to invest, so I'm just not going to get started.” That really bothered me, because I think that it was applying the wrong standard to a situation to which it just didn't apply.

Part of what I was trying to do is figure out okay, let's constrain it to the common problem. You want to learn how to do something new and potentially something that you have absolutely zero knowledge or expertise about. What does the process look like from going from nothing, to being pretty good, like demonstrably much better than you were when you began? What does that process look like, to go from nothing to really good?

I decided to start researching that directly. It turns out, there's an enormous amount of research, including one of the longest-standing effects in all of cognitive psychology. It's called the law of practice, which basically says that when you start practicing, you tend to improve at an extremely rapid rate. Those early hours of practice are the most effective in terms of skill building. I started doing a lot of research and experimentation around testing this particular hypothesis and that research turned into my second book, The First 20 Hours, which was about the process of deciding to learn something new and then approaching that in a systematic way in order to make those early hours of practice as efficient and effective as you possibly can make them.

[0:30:33.8] MB: I really enjoyed, for listeners who want to go deeper on this, Josh has a wonderful TED talk, where he shares – where you share your own experience with learning the ukulele, which I thought. The end of the TED talk was phenomenal. I really enjoyed it.

[0:30:48.2] JK: It was such a fun talk.

[0:30:49.6] MB: We’ll leave the listeners to be surprised about what happens. In that talk, you – and obviously in the book as well, you break down a really simple but useful framework for thinking about how do we practice intelligently and make use of those first 20 hours, so that we can rapidly learn new skills.

[0:31:09.0] JK: Yeah, that's right. The framework is just like the hospital checklist that we were talking about earlier. It sounds very simple, but following the checklist makes it much more likely that not only are you going to make progress, but the process is going to be both effective and not as frustrating as it otherwise might be. Because one universal about learning new skills is that when we try to learn something new, the early hours of practice are always the most frustrating.

Anything that we can do to tune down that frustration is very much win. The general process is step one, decide what you want to be able to do, which is the part just like step one, wash your hands with soap, is something that you would expect nobody would skip over, but it happens more often than you would expect. A lot of times, we just have these vague notions of I would like to play the piano, to use the earlier example. I would like to speak Italian. These very general, ambiguous, sometimes very lofty things that are very nonspecific and ill-defined.

The first step is to force yourself to become more clear and more specific about exactly what you want to be able to do. What does that look like? How are you going to know when you have reached that particular level of skill? Once you've decided on that – the second is to deconstruct the skill into smaller sub-skills.

The idea here is that many of the things we think of as skills aren't just one thing, they're actually bundles of smaller sub-skills, and all of them may have very little to do with each other. A good easy to visualize example is playing golf. I want to be good at playing golf is not very specific, because when you look at what you need to do to drive the ball off the green with the big driver club – I'm not a golfer, so apologies to anybody if I'm getting my terminology wrong. Driving off of the tee, versus putting the ball into the hole on the green are two very different skills. You practice them in different ways. There are different approaches to getting better at those particular sub-skills.

Instead of trying to practice golf, you can say, “I'm going to practice driving this week and here's what it's going to look like, here's how I'm going to know I'm getting better at it.” Assign some criteria to it. It's way more effective that way. Then the earlier part, this is step three, is learning enough about each sub-skill to self-correct during practice.

One of the things, essentially a subtle form of procrastination that I am particularly prone to is wanting to over research before you jump into trying to do the thing. The more you can do enough research to self-correct, to know when it's not going the way that you want it to or needed to, to be able to take a step back and say, “Okay, this isn't working. I need to go back and I need to try a different approach.”

An interesting, practical use of – my daughter Lila is learning to play the piano right now, and so the particular method that she's using actually has her listening to all of the songs that she is trying to play many times a day before she tries to play them. As she's playing and she makes a mistake, she's able to instantly recognize that she's made a mistake. Go back and try it again. That loop of being able to recognize something didn't go right and then go back and self-correct is how you make the practice itself more efficient.

Step four is removing barriers to practice. Those barriers can be physical, mental or emotional. Sometimes, I think the example I use in the book is if you're trying to learn how to play the guitar and the guitar is in its case in the back of a closet on the other side of your house, there's a physical barrier to you doing the thing that you want to do. Get it out of the case, put it on a stand right next to your favorite chair, or your desk, or wherever you tend to frequent. Then deciding to practice is just a matter of reaching out and picking it up.

The same goes for mental and emotional barriers. Anything is holding you back, identifying what those barriers are and get rid of them as much as possible. Then the last step, which is where the title The First 20 Hours comes from is to pre-commit to practicing the most important sub-skills for at least 20 hours. That pre-commitment is the important bet. It serves two purposes; A, if you're not willing to pre-commit at least 20 hours of practice, which for visualization is about 40 minutes a day for about a month. If you're not willing to make that pre-commitment, it's probably a sign that this particular skill just doesn't have enough value or benefit to you in order to keep going.

You're far better off investing that time and effort in something that is going to give you enough benefit. It'll be way easier to practice that way. Then the 20 hour pre-commitment solves the problem of the early frustration. It's much easier to say to yourself when you start and you're terrible, because you probably will be, to say to yourself, “Okay, I'm not good at this. This is frustrating. I'm going to be terrible and frustrated for at least 20 hours. Then after that point, I have permission to stop, but I'm not going to stop until I've invested at least as that much time into the skill that I have decided is important to me.”

From a psychological standpoint, it really helps with should I continue, or should I not continue decision. You've already made that decision. What happens in practice is the first, anywhere between three to five, six hours are very frustrating and then you start to get better. Then those later hours of practice are way more effective and very beneficial, because you've gotten over that initial frustration barrier.

After the 20-hour mark, you will be much, much better than you were than at the beginning and you'll be in a much better position to figure out, “Should I continue investing in the skill, or is this something that I am good enough based on my purposes and I can move on and learn something else?”

[0:36:44.7] MB: One of the ways that you framed this entire process, which I think is a great and really actionable framework for learning anything is that the major barriers to learning aren't intellectual, they're emotional.

[0:36:57.4] JK: Absolutely.

[0:36:58.3] MB: I think that's a critical thing for listeners to understand is that it's not about the – I mean, it is in some ways, but it's not necessarily the lack of knowledge isn't what's going to stop you. It's the emotional components of the challenge of learning these new skills.

[0:37:12.8] JK: Yeah. I think the two places where that shows up most, you'll often and maybe you can think back to a point in your life where you've tried something and you spend maybe 10 minutes on it and it's like, “I'm just not good at whatever the thing is.” That's not a rational cognitive assessment. That's an emotional reaction to you having an image in your mind of what you want to be able to do and the reality of where you're starting in terms of this particular skill.

Just learning to diffuse that, I'm not good at X, into okay, the early hours of doing anything are frustrating. That's expected, and so I'm going to push through that to get what I want, is a very constructive way of approaching it. The other thing that adult learners tend to have a really difficult time with is comparing their performance versus the skill level demonstrated by other people. This happens in drawing and art a lot.

You go online and you just see these amazing pieces that are created by other people. Then you go to do it yourself and you're barely on the level of stick figure doodles. The gulf between I want to be able to do this really highly developed thing and where you start is often very wide. The best thing that you can do for yourself is to say that early in this process, your job is not to compare yourself against other people, your job is to compare yourself after the process to what you were able to do before the process. If you're going to compete with anyone, compete with yourself and judge your process based on how far you've come based on the investment that you've made.

[0:38:48.8] MB: In many ways and it's almost a cliché life lesson, right? That you should always compete with yourself and not with others.

[0:38:56.4] JK: Yeah. I think there are times and places for competition. I think we tend to over compare ourselves versus other people and anything that we can do to rein that back in and really focus on what do you want to be able to accomplish? What does that look like? How do you need to develop and how are you going to go about developing in the ways that are important to you?

The more you focus on your own sense of development and worry less about what other people are doing, generally I think the more you get done and the more mentally and emotionally happy and well-adjusted you are.

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[0:41:26.7] MB: I want to segue and talk a little bit about How to Fight a Hydra. What inspired you, because obviously a little bit different than your other books, what inspired you to write that and to put it into the narrative frame that you wrapped it around?

[0:41:41.5] JK: How to Fight a Hydra is a story about ambition and uncertainty, risk and fear of the unknown. It's in a narrative story format, which is brand-new for me. I've never written any fiction before. It came out of a couple things. The first is that it came out of some of the responses that I was getting to both Personal MBA and First 20 Hours.

On The Personal MBA side, it was things like, I have this business idea but I'm not sure if it's going to work. Can you tell me it's going to work before I invest all of this time and energy in this particular business idea? Or I want to switch industries, but I'm not sure it's a good idea. Can you please provide me some assurance that I'm on the right track? Or in The First 20 Hour sense, I really want to learn this thing and I want to get to a certain level of skill, but I'm not quite sure if I'm going to be able to get there. Is this a good idea? Should I invest my time and energy in this way?

There's this persistent undercurrent of fear and anxiety and risk of if you're starting a business, or investing your time and learning something new, there's a genuine chance that you might not get what you want, or it might not turn out the way that you want it to turn out. Many times, the risk or the fear of the unknown, not knowing what the process is going to look like, not knowing if the rewards are going to be worth it, or if in a very real sense if there are going to be any rewards at all, this is something that humans have struggled with for thousands of years. It's that uncertainty and ambiguity and variability and complexity are features of the world that we struggle with on a daily basis. We would like to be guaranteed of outcomes before we invest.

How to Fight a Hydra is a head-on examination of those very real features of reality. How do we choose to invest in something that we know is going to be difficult from the beginning? Or that we don't know if it's going to be as rewarding as we might want it to be? When you look at the people who accomplish great things and who develop high levels of skill and are able to make their lives into what they make it, you see a lot of people who choose to take on risks and choose to pursue things, knowing full well from the beginning that it's going to be difficult and not everything is going to work and they're going to need to adjust as they go.

All of this was just rattling around in my mind for several years. Part of the challenge in writing about things like uncertainty and risk and variability and complexity and fear of the unknown is if you approach it from a research-based, nonfiction standpoint and you cite a lot of studies, you very quickly start writing a book that nobody wants to read, because the reality of these effects in our daily lives is uncomfortable enough. Reading about it and reinforcing it is very uncomfortable.

That's when I started examining what would it look like to show someone who is doing this in an interesting and fun universal thing that the people could relate to? I started writing a story about someone who sets off to fight a mythical monster. Instead of citing research and studies, it's telling the story and showing the process of a person who decides to do something difficult that they're probably not capable of when they set out for. The story involves watching that person deal with these very mundane, everyday difficulties in a particularly skillful way.

You watch them practice to get better. You watch them recognize challenges and then prepare to face them. You watch them deal with things that don't go the way that they expect to. Then you watch them as they deal with some of the difficulties of and self-doubts of am I doing the right thing? Is this worth it? What is the result of this going to be?

The goal with How to Fight a Hydra is hopefully A, telling an interesting and engaging story, but then also being able to communicate some things about how to deal with these universal human difficulties in a skillful way that you can apply to your own life and help you reexamine how you think about things like uncertainty and risk.

[0:45:43.8] MB: Where do most people go wrong with their approach to uncertainty?

[0:45:47.8] JK: That's a really good question. I think the base way to answer that is most people wish uncertainty would go away. They think that if the uncertainty is still there, that means that they're doing something wrong and that something needs to change, or that it's a sign that they shouldn't be doing this thing that they're doing right now and they should do something else.

This is where you'll read stories of entrepreneurs, or people who have created great works of art, or movements, or whatever. There's always a period where this person is toiling away in obscurity doing something weird that nobody else understands. I think there's just really grokking down to the marrow of your bones that the uncertainty is always going to be there. It's never going to go away and that's not a problem. It's actually just part of how the universe works and is something that you can think about and prepare as much as you can.

What you think might happen, you can prepare accordingly. You can do scenarios, you can improve your skills to be more flexible, versatile, able to handle unexpected things as they come up. You can do that. There’s still going to be an element of uncertainty and that's okay. That's not a problem to solve.

The problem to solve is you have something that you want to do. You have a direction you want to go, so your energy and mental and emotional capacity is much better served trying to figure out what the next step is to get closer to that.

[0:47:14.1] MB: I also think it's really interesting and something you casually tossed out, but a very important point that the focus of How to Fight a Hydra is about – it's not about telling people what to do, but rather showing them what to do.

[0:47:27.6] JK: Yeah, totally. I think that's one of the things that I really like. This goes all the way back to the ancient myths from all of the traditions that we have that have been passed down to us over centuries and thousands and thousands of years in some cases, is watching somebody make a particular set of decisions and then seeing how that affects them.

I think a really unique thing that fiction can do that is really difficult in nonfiction is that you can step into somebody's shoes and walk with them for a while, and both see what they're doing and how they're thinking in some cases. Then just be able to internalize it more as a lived-experience, and less as a here's a list of things that I learned about how to deal with fear of the unknown today. It enters and sticks in your brain in a much different way and in a way that for this particular project, I really like.

[0:48:18.4] MB: I think it was a great approach. I get a lot of similar e-mails and questions from listeners and I'd never thought about it the way that you phrased it earlier in the conversation, but I think it's so important to realize that uncertainty never goes away and you have to become at peace with it, or accept it, or just operate and live in a world where uncertainty is just a part of the equation, to really achieve any meaningful results.

[0:48:43.8] JK: Now that was one of the most interesting things that I didn't really expect. I was doing business advising and consulting around the time that Personal MBA was published. Had a lot of questions of like, “I'm thinking about doing this. Is it going to work?” My response was always the same like, “I can't tell you whether or not it's going to work. The reality is going to show us very quickly whether or not this is the right direction.”

The biggest thing is let's figure out what you're trying to do and the approach you're trying to take and the actions you're going to take. Then we'll figure out how to assess if you're going in the right direction as you go. No honest adviser can tell you 100% it's going to work or not work before you do it. You just have to try.

[0:49:23.0] MB: In a weird way and I don't want to digress down this path too much, and I think it was largely a fluke of my life, but I'm a big poker player and I think poker is a tremendous framework for teaching you that the world is very uncertain and that no result is ever guaranteed. I think in many ways, that helped me personally shape and understand a very different relationship to risk than most people have.

[0:49:45.0] JK: Oh, yeah. You can have the best odds on a hand that you can imagine and you can still lose. Yeah, just figuring out and also figuring out is the situation that I'm currently in, are the odds in my favor, or are there things that I can do to make the odds more in my favor? Those are all very constructive lines of thought when dealing with something like uncertainty.

[0:50:06.2] MB: For listeners who want to concretely implement some of the ideas and themes that we've talked about today, what would be one thing that you would give them as an action step to start implementing any of the concepts that we discussed today?

[0:50:21.8] JK: Going back to our conversation of mental models, do some research and do some reading and learning specifically around this particular concept and start metaphorically speaking, filling the toolbox with as many different ideas from as many different disciplines as you possibly can. A practical way to do that is to – whatever your discipline, or industry or market is, choose to read or listen to something that is dramatically outside of your area of expertise.

If you are an architect, try to read something about cognitive psychology, or engineering systems design. Just try to broaden your intellectual landscape as much as you can and pay attention and pick out tools or ideas that look particularly useful to you. The other thing on the practical approach is going back to our conversation of First 20 Hours. This is a particularly good thing to do planning for the upcoming year, really to try to think of if you are going to invest 20 hours in learning how to do something that you would – either would be personally fulfilling to you, or something that would be super handy to have in your business and maybe it's directly related to your set of skills, maybe it's a complementary skill, something that would serve you well in your particular area of expertise.

Really try to think about if you invested 30 to 40 minutes a day for a month, what would you invest it in? What would you focus on first and why? What is the benefit and what would that look like when you were able to perform at the level that you desire? Really try to figure out, is this worth me committing 20 hours of practice in?

I think that every single person that I have heard who has come across the 20-hour technique and has actually invested it has not regretted that investment. You learn and grow so much more than you expect you would in that very short constrained period of time. If you've never done self-improvement investment like that, I would highly, highly recommend it.

[0:52:21.1] MB: I think it's really important to underscore in that second piece of homework that you have to get really clear, right? That was the first major piece of the framework for learning any skill. Yet, I feel so many people don't get as specific as they need to be when they're thinking about learning, or determining really what the highest and best skill to be focusing on would be.

[0:52:42.2] JK: Yeah. There's a framework that I really like for that. It's called PICS, P-I-C-S, which stands for Positive Immediate Concrete and Specific. Positive is something you want to do, so not something like I want to stop doing X. You're describing something you're moving towards. Immediate is right now, so what does it look like for you to do this right now? Concrete is you're able to describe it in terms that you can recognize in the real world, not abstract notions like get better at, or be best at. Then specific, a lot of detail around what exactly it looks like to perform at the threshold you want.

If you're thinking about things that you might want to do, that's a really simple way to make it way easier for your brain to be able to figure out how to get that thing that you've decided you want.

[0:53:28.0] MB: Josh, for listeners who want to find you and your work online, who want to dig into more of what we've talked about today, what would be the best place for them to do that?

[0:53:36.6] JK: Yeah, the best place to find me is at joshkaufman.net. From there, you can find links to all of my writing, as well as all of my books; links to Personal MBA, First 20 Hours and How to Fight a Hydra.

[0:53:47.7] MB: Well Josh, thank you so much for coming on the show. As I said at the beginning, tremendous fan of your thinking and your writing and it's been an honor to have you on here today.

[0:53:56.7] JK: Matt, it's been a pleasure. Thanks so much. It's been fun.

[0:53:59.2] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.

March 07, 2019 /Lace Gilger
Focus & Productivity
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Find Your Purpose In Life When You’re Lost, Confused, and Uncertain - Lessons from Death’s Door with Jon Vroman

February 28, 2019 by Lace Gilger in Focus & Productivity, Influence & Communication

In this episode we discuss how to find your purpose in life, especially when you’re lost or confused about what to do next. We hear some incredible stories and unforgettable lessons from people who are fighting through life threatening illnesses, and look at how to really push yourself beyond what you thought was possible to achieve what truly matters to you, all of this and much more with our guest Jon Vroman. 

Jon Vroman is the co-founder of The Front Row Foundation, a charity that creates unforgettable moments for individuals who are braving life-threatening illnesses. Jon teaches others to “Live Life In The Front Row” through teaching and inspiring others with the Art of Moment Making. He is also an award-winning speaker, podcast host, and multi best-selling author.

  • Learning about living life, from people who are fighting for their lives

  • When you are facing down death - things become super clear. A lot of things that we used to worry about seem to fade into the background

  • Why one woman was happy that people looked at her with disgust when she was going through her chemo treatment

  • Your life is going to end. The ride is going to come to an end. How does that shape and change your thinking?

  • When you recognize that there is a finite amount of time, every day counts more, every day matters more because there is a finite end. 

  • When you think about your summer - you have 16 Saturdays - that’s it

  • You have 18 summers with your child before they go off to college

  • There are seasons of life.

  • How do you face the reality of existence, and mortality, with a sense of vibrancy and positive urgency instead of anxiety and fear of death?

  • If we ask powerful questions, we get powerful answers. Questions shape our lives.

  • If we get ask the wrong questions, we get the wrong answers. 

  • You have to manage your mindset. You have to create a positive environment and you have to surround yourself with powerful positive relationships 

  • 3 Key Focuses

    • Mindset

    • Environment

    • Relationships 

  • How do we foster powerful relationships 

  • Action Item: Write down the 8 most important people in your life, then write down that their #1 goal or dream. Do you know it? How can you help THEM achieve it. 

  • 3 Key Values of the Front Row Community

    • Hope

    • Celebration 

    • Presence

  • Hope can powerfully shape your behavior 

  • How good of a listener are you?

  • “Hope is not weakness"

  • Hope is uniting, hope is collaborative, hope brings things to life 

  • When life throws you curve balls, when you get punched in the face - hope brings you through - it creates the power of possibilities 

  • Ask yourself and others “what dreams are making you come alive right now?” If this year was wildly successful for you how would it change your life? 

  • How do you fuel yourself? Why do you want to do what you do?

  • What are your fears?

    1. What are your loves?

  • The power of telling yourself “If you can’t, you must"

  • Purpose relieves pain, and pain often becomes our purpose

  • When your why has heart, your how gets legs. When the why really matters, you will always find a How. You don’t have to know how, you can figure the how out if you have a strong enough why. 

  • How to create real purpose, real fuel in your life - to really push yourself beyond what you thought was possible to achieve what truly matters to you

  •  How do you find your purpose in life, how do you find your “heart?"

  • For someone who doesn’t have it, who is lost or confused, how do they find their heart or their purpose?

  • You have to listen. You have to create space and silence - to listen to yourself and find out what really matters to you. 

  • If your face is buried in Instagram, facebook, podcasts, books, content - constantly consuming - you may be missing the message your body and mind is trying to share with you - you’re missing the silence. You may have missed who you are. You may have missed what you want. 

  • The story of “Hey little man, try again"

  • We often treat other people like we remember them in the past, not as who they’ve become 

  • A real goal is to know how to be appropriate in the moment - the purpose of a goal is to be approrpiate and shape our action in the moment 

  • Being a parent vs being a business person - where does your identity sit? 

  • A family man with a business vs a businessman with a family 

  • How does shame show up in your life? 

  • The ego, the false self, and the true self

  • We are all born our true selves, then society, school, growing up creates shame and pain in our lives and creates a “false self” - you don’t feel cool enough, you start to change who you are as a person because you’re afraid that who are as a person is not enough 

  • When are in around 4th or 5th grade we start to build a protective castle, a boundary, around ourselves to project an image to the world of who we are and how we want to be identified. We want to protect ourselves from other people hurting us. 

  • Being a better parent isn’t about learning to say specific things to your kids, it’s not about practical and logical action steps and items - it’s about awakening and developing yourself

  • Homework: write out the list of your top 8 relationships and write out their dreams, do something once a month to support their dreams. And follow up. And do it right now. Do it with no expectation of anything in return. 

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Want To Dig In More?! - Here’s The Show Notes, Links, & Research

General

  • Jon’s Website Front Row Factor

  • Jon’s Website Front Row Dads

  • Jon’s Podcast

  • Facebook

  • LinkedIn

Media

  • [Article] Your Life in Weeks By Tim Urban

  • [Article] The Tail End By Tim Urban

  • [Profile] Jocko Willink - Echelon Front

  • [Article] Inc. - “Life isn't as Meaningful in the Cheap Seats” by Entrepreneurs' Organization

  • [Podcast] The Good Dad Project - Making Moments for Your Family with Jon Vroman

  • [Podcast] Becoming Superhuman - The Art of Moment Making w/ Jon Vroman

  • [Podcast] Legends and Losers - 061: How Jon Vroman Built A Movement & A Company At the Same Time

  • [Podcast] Craft of Charisma - The Art of Moment Making – with Jon Vroman

  • [Podcast] Create Your Own Life - 369: Jon Vroman | The Blueprint to Living Your Life in The Front Row

  • [Podcast] Inspired Moments - IM 033: Transform Your Life with the Art of Moment Making | Jon Vroman

Videos

  • Jon’s channel - Jon Vroman Keynote Presentation

  • Emeka Ossai - 😭EMOTIONAL😭How This Best SellIng Author Is Changing Lives | Jon Vroman Front Row Foundation

  • Consolidated Coaching - Special Guest Jon Vroman

Books

  • The Happiness Advantage: How a Positive Brain Fuels Success in Work and Life by Shawn Achor

  • Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives by Nicholas A. Christakis and James H. Fowler

  • The Dream Manager by Matthew Kelly and Patrick Lencioni

  • The ONE Thing: The Surprisingly Simple Truth Behind Extraordinary Results by Gary Keller and Jay Papasan

  • Loveable: Embracing What Is Truest About You, So You Can Truly Embrace Your Life by Kelly Flanagan

  • The Awakened Family: How to Raise Empowered, Resilient, and Conscious Children by Shefali Tsabary Ph.D.

Misc

[Movie] The Shawshank Redemption

Episode Transcript

[00:00:04.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[00:00:11] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success, the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than 3 million downloads and listeners in over a hundred countries.

In this episode, we discuss how to find your purpose in life, especially when you're lost or confused about what to do next. We hear some incredible stories and unforgettable lessons from people who were fighting through life-threatening illnesses and look at how to really push yourself beyond what you thought was possible to achieve what truly matters to you. All of these and much more with our guest, Jon Vroman.

Do you need more time; time for work time, for thinking and reading, time for the people in your life, time to accomplish your goals? This was the number one problem our listeners outlined and we created a new video guide that you can get completely for free when you sign up and join our email list. It's called How You Can Create Time for the Things That Really Matter in Life. You can get it completely for free when you sign up and join the email list at successpodcast.com.

You're also going to get exclusive content that's only available to our email subscribers. We recently pre-released an episode in an interview to our email subscribers a week before it went live to our broader audience. That had tremendous implications, because there is a limited offer in there with only 50 available spots that got eaten up by the people who were on the e-mail list first. With that same interview, we also offered an exclusive opportunity for people on our e-mail list to engage one-on-one for over an hour with one of our guests in a live exclusive interview, just for e-mail subscribers.

There's some amazing stuff that's available only to email subscribers that's only going on if you subscribe and sign up to the email list. You can do that by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the homepage. Or, if you're driving around right now, if you're out and about and you're on the go, you don't have time, just text the word “smarter” to the number 44222. That's S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44222.

In our previous episode, we asked how champions are made. Are they born or are they built? Is nature versus nurture even a useful model for understanding human performance? We looked at the incredible power of focus and how it translates into championship performance. We studied how Navy SEALs use the technique of drownproofing and how you can use the same thing to conquer your own fears and perform like a champion. We discussed all of that and much more with our previous guest, Dr. Rowan Hooper. If you want to learn the truth about world-class performance, listen to our previous episode.

Now for our interview with Jon.

[00:02:55] MB: Today, we have another great guest on the show, Jon Vroman. Jon is the cofounder of The Front Row Foundation, a charity that creates unforgettable moments for individuals who are braving life-threatening illnesses. Jon teaches others to live life in the front row through teaching and inspiring others with the art of moment making. He’s also an award-winning speaker, podcast host and multi-bestselling author.

Jon, welcome back to The Science of Success.

[00:03:20] JV: Hey, guys. Great to be here.

[00:03:21] JV: Well, we’re super excited to have you back on the show, and for listeners who may not be familiar with you or your work or might not have heard your previous interview on Science of Success, I’d love to start out with a core theme that really inspires and flows through all of your work, which is this idea of learning about living life from those who are fighting for their lives.

[00:03:43] JV: Yeah. That been a decade-long study for me and a privilege to be a witness to so many people who are in the fight, and after we started Front Row Foundation back in 2005 and here we are 13 years later. When we wrote the book, The Front Row Factor, we realized there's so much wisdom here from people who are facing death, and this isn’t terminal situations, but when somebody has an illness, a disease, something in their world that's threatening their existence, a lot of things become super clear. A lot of things that we used to make a big deal about seem to no longer be such a burden, and that what’s truly important tends to emerge, and that's what we want to define.

We just had so many opportunities to be in conversation with people that were experiencing that level of focus, and I can actually – I’m a storyteller. That's what I do, is I’ll give you an example of what I mean, because I’m not just speaking in theory, right? We took a woman on an event one time, her name was Nikki, and she was battling breast cancer at the time. We took her and her husband to go see the Dallas Cowboys, and it was in the midst of their Front Row experience. We’re in a limousine. We’re heading to dinner right before the game, and I don't how we got here, but she made a comment that when she walks into public places sometimes people look at her with kind of like a look of disgust, because she has her head shaved or she might be in treatments and she's not looking per se at her best and she says people give her this look.

When she said it, I felt myself getting angry at the people. I felt myself wanting to stand up for her, kind of fight somebody on this and call them out. Right as I'm getting angry she's like, “And that makes me happy,” that they're looking her that way. I was like, “Okay. You caught me. What do you mean it makes you happy? Tell me.”

She said, “Jon, it makes me happy because if they look at me with disgust, it means they have no context to my situation. Certainly they've never battled cancer and they don't know anybody who has, because if they did they would never look at me that way. So I'm happy they don't know this pain.”

When she said that I realized how much room I had to grow as a human, how much I could evolve in the way that I viewed people in my situation and are in entanglement with others, and that type of story showed up time and time again from kids to people that were at the end of their life fighting for their life, but those are the lessons that I've been learning and trying to live myself, trying to be a better human myself and then trying to teach other people what we're hearing and witnessing.

[00:06:16] MB: And I think one of the most important lessons that comes to me out of all the things you’ve taught and written about is this idea that the finite time in our lives in many ways can seem sort of scary and morbid, but if you really think about it, it can create an appreciation for the now and for the moments in our lives.

[00:06:36] JV: 100%? Yeah, it was a little bit of like the moment you realize that – The moment you come to grips with the fact that this is going to end. People don't like that idea at first, like I’ll stand in a room and giving a speech and I’m like, “The one thing we all have in common is that 100 years from now everybody here is dead.” Barring any miracle medical evolution, we’re all gone. This is going to end for everybody. That's a scary thought. I don’t like to think about my sons, my two boys. I have a nine-year-old and a four-year old. I don’t like to think about the end of their life. But when I recognize that there is a finite amount of time, every day counts more because you appreciate it, because it has an end.

So as an example, I remember coming to my buddy, John Cain, one of my best friends in the world, and it was a summer, few summers ago, beginning of the summer, and I said, “Hey buddy, we have 16 weeks this summer, 16 Saturdays with our boys. Let's not waste a single one,” and he was like, “Oh my God. I never thought about that, that in a summertime we get 16 Saturdays.”

Then I had a buddy of mine, Jim Sheils, who wrote a book called The Family Board Meeting, and he talks about 18 summers. When you have a child that is born, you have 18 summers with them before they are an adult and often to the world. Now, I know that my wife fights me on this and she's like, “Our kids are never leaving the house. It’s not just 18. You get many more,” and I get that. It’s just – But when we recognize that there are seasons of life, and there's statistics about how you will spend like 90% of the time with your children before they reach the age of like 12 or something like that, right? It's staggering to think that these are realities that many people do face in their life.

I remember being on an airplane and pulling out a journal and putting a little dot on the left-hand side and a little dot on the right hand side. Left side was my birth, right side was my death, and I thought, “Oh, let’s just say I live to 100, right? Let's take 80 of those years were amazing years. I put a dot right where I was at the time, which is about 37-years-old.” I was like, “Oh my God! That's it. I'm looking at my whole life on a timeline and I'm almost halfway through the great years that I have.” That didn't create a paralyzing feel. That created energy. That created vibrancy, appreciation, an urgency to make sure that I made the most of my moments. It changed the way that I approach my days, and that's what I hope to inspire with other people so that we don't have to face a life-threatening illness to get that wisdom and that lesson.

[00:09:04] MB: How do people wake up? How do they have a reaction of vibrancy and the urgency to live and appreciate and truly experience life instead of being in a place of fear or paranoia?

[00:09:16] JV: I think a lot of it goes back to – Well, three things that we teach in the book, right? These are the three areas of focus of living a front row life as we call it, and one is that it's your mindset. So what you think, and this is not new, right? But it’s good to be reminded of this. I often tell people that personal growth isn’t always about learning something new. It's about remembering what's true. It’s practicing the habits and the rituals and the ideas and the rhythms that actually work, and one of them is the questions that we ask. The questions that we ask shape our future. If we ask powerful questions, we get powerful answers. One of our dominant questions of the charity is how can I consciously create experience and celebrate the meaningful moments of life?

If somebody goes through their day and their dominant question is how can I consciously create experience and celebrate the meaningful moments of life? They're acting differently than if somebody goes through life saying, “What's wrong here? What am I missing? What's not happening in my life that's happening in everybody else's life? Why are they so much further ahead than I am? Why are they on vacation and I'm here slaving away?” We ask the wrong questions and we get the wrong answers.

I didn't make that up. That seems to be every wise person that's traveled the road ahead of me said that about the power of questions. So I think managing our minds, that’s really important. Part of how we manage your mindset is by the environment that we put ourselves in and the relationships that we’re in. If our environment lights us up, we’re bound to behave differently.

Shawn Achor and The Happiness Advantage. He was a Harvard professor and he did a lot of research on happiness, and one of the things he wrote about his book with this 22nd rule where he wanted to learn guitar and he thought, “Well, I never play it, but it's always in my closet. What if I put the guitar in the middle of the room?” The percentage of times that he played the guitar went way through the roof.

What if we shape our environment intentionally in all areas? What if we put things in our way? What would become the chief marketing officers in our own lives? Why do we wait over the world to market to us? Why don’t we market to ourselves? We don't put enough time and attention into where we show up in life. Literally, our environment, we work very hard in the charity that shape people's environment by sending them to these incredible events.

One of the reasons I love going to retreats is because it changes my environment, and there's amazing research on this, right? I literally have studied people, older folks, who they created an environment where they turned back the clock. There’s a famous study I wrote about in the book where they literally put people in an environment where all the magazines, all the pictures in the wall, everything was from 20 years earlier. These are men in their 70s. What they did is they took all the vital signs before the experiment, all the vital signs afterwards and they recognized that, literally, by putting somebody in an environment where they were not only acting like they were younger but they were in an environment that suggested they were younger, that these men, by saliva tests and measuring their height and flexibility and all these other different measurements, they literally changed physically and mentally. They were sharper. Their eyesight improved. Some of their hands got longer because their arthritis diminished. It was incredibly profound about the power of our environment.

Then the other way is by the relationships. I mean, listen, we have such a strong desire to connect with people that when we have somebody that we’re accountable to, when we have somebody that we’re connected to, it changes our world. I mean, the incredible book Connected, written by Christakis and Fowler. That basically proved with science that we’re affected by our relationships. The biggest determining factor of somebody's health and happiness in life is the relationships they have.

So if we want to wake up every day and make the most of our moments, if we want to live life to the fullest, if we want to make the most of our time, we have to focus on those three areas. What's going on inside our head? How are we dictating that conversation? What is our environment look like? Every piece of it that we can manage – Some of your listeners might be like, “Oh, I can't manage my environment right now. I live in this area. I can't move away from this area.” “Okay. Well, manage what you can, and then it’s relationships.” Choosing who we want to be in the front row with, right? Who's in our front row? Whose front row are we in? Who are we connected and close to?” That’s it.

[00:13:11] MB: Tell me more about the power of relationships and creating close connections with people that can help foster accountability and create really meaningful impact in your lives.

[00:13:22] JV: Here’s one of the things that we teach, which is you write out a list of your topic relationships and you rank them in order of importance, one through eight. That’s very hard for some people to wrap their heads around, but you can do it, right? You rank them one through eight. Then what you do is you write down what their biggest dream or goal is. Amazingly, for the eight most important people in your life, a lot of us, me included at many times in my life, I can't tell you what they are. A lot of people are married. They can’t even tell you what their spouse’s number one dream or goal is.

It just goes to show that here's the thing, we spent a lot of time focusing on our own dreams and our own goals and how we can grow, and I get that. Me to, I want it just like everybody else, but the front row philosophy is showing up for others. We have no shortage of attention of the philosophy of get in the game. Play the game. Don't be on the sidelines. We almost like condemn people that are on the sidelines, like, “Oh, you’re on the sideline. Well, I’m in the game. I’m awesome.”

People have challenged overtime. I talk about living life in the front row and they’re like, “Well, I don't want to be in the front row. I want to be the one on stage,” and I’m like, “I get it, man. I'm a professional speaker. I understand the value of being on stage, but let me tell you that that can't be it in life. We can't go through life always wanting to be the one on stage or be the one playing the game. What about supporting others? What about cheering somebody on? What about putting them on stage, making them the rock star?” Both have to play a role, but what we want to do is we want people to say – Zig Ziglar said it best. He was like, “If you want everything you want in like, you got help enough people get what they want in life.” That's the key, right? I probably just butchered how we said it. He probably said it way better than that, but that's basically what he said.

So I think that part of how we nurture these relationships, part of how we build relationships is we show up to serve. We show up to give. Put somebody in the front row, shine the light on them, make them the rock star, and that's living life in the front row. It's a life of service. That's what it is. When you do that, the best fans get the best show. When you do that, you will get the best performance from the people around you. They’ll want to play for you. They’ll want to serve you. They want to play for you because you showed up for them. That's how I think the game works.

[00:15:28] MB: There’re so many avenues that I want to explore coming out of that. To zoom out and come back a little bit, for listeners who may not have been familiar with this term living life in the front row, tell me a little bit more. You started to get into that, but tell me more about what does that mean to live life in the front row.

[00:15:44] JV: Yeah, I’m glad you asked to clarify that. Sometimes I get all fired up and I forget about context. So the charity is Front Row Foundation. We put people in the front row, their favorite event, and then we teach them how to live life in the front row as we say. What that means is living life in the front row is about getting close. It's a metaphor for getting close to the people, places and things that make you come alive that you can show up for. That's what it's about.

Tony Robbins has always that proximity is power. That's the philosophy. What do get close to? So a front row life is where you intentionally and consciously create experience and celebrate the meaningful moments of life. So when I talk about living life in the front row, that's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about somebody who values also three things that we talk about.

Now, I talked about the three areas of focus, of relationships, of mindset, of environment, but the three things that our community values the most is hope, celebration and presence. I like to think of life as like this pendulum that swings from the past to the future. When our pendulum is swinging into the future, we’re thinking about what's next. What's the next call we’ve got to be on? What's the next thing we’re going to do? As we record this, what's going to happen around the holidays? What do we want to create? Where are we going? What's next? That's our future.

When we really have hope for the future, we are able to bring the power of possibility into the present moment so we can do something about it. It's not wishful thinking. This is not weakness. Hope is very powerful, because it creates change, because when we look into the future and we’re excited about something, we know what makes us come alive. We know we want to create. How we want to serve. It can change how we behave in the moment.

People who live life in the front row understand the power of celebration, looking in the past. They understand they can look back and say, “What worked? How can I do that again? What's worth celebrating?” Some people go through life and they achieve so much success, but they never take time to celebrate it and they miss out on that really amazing feeling of looking back on the day and saying, "What am I grateful for? What we’re the highlight moments? What were the wins today?” That’s a huge part of how we feel in the present moment, and there's so much science behind that, right? Talk about Shawn Achor, who we’re talking about earlier. His science behind gratitude and looking back and celebrating wins is huge, massive victories there. In the space of science saying, “How does this affect somebody's chemistry of their body, the chemicals that releases?”

Then it's being in the present moment, like this pendulum, we’re kind of swinging through the present moment. Very hard to be in the moment. Very hard. We can practice it. I mean, even meditation is the practice of coming back to the present moment. You get distracted, you come back to it. They go, “That’s actually meditating. Not standing in the present moment, but the art of coming back to it.”

So being in the present moment is just the ability to not always pull out your phone and take a video or a picture per se, but to just feel it, to be there, to be witness to it, to be in that experience. I think that living life in the front row is understanding the power of those three things, and we have countless examples of that in the charity. You talk about hope, people fighting to stand up for the national anthem at their front row event. Working hard weeks and months prior in their physical therapy so they can stand up for the national anthem. That’s the power of hope, changing how we behave.

People on their on their deathbed literally days away from losing their life, looking back at photo albums with a smile on their face, celebrating their front row moments. Taking the pain away from their present moment because their focus goes elsewhere on the celebration of life and what they've done and experienced. Then this idea of being able to like do something with your moments as its unfolding, as it's happening. How good of a listener are you when someone's talking? It’s a great example. That’s a front row life. That’s a front row skill, listening.

A lot of time in society we put all the value in what you're saying, and it's ironic because I’m doing a lot of talking right now, but normally in my life when I'm not on a podcast interview, I’m focused on listening. I'm actually focused on not saying much, but hearing more, and I think that's a front row life. We have a world where we want to talk and put all these value in the things that you say, the brilliant things you say. How you lead. What about just how you listen to people at times? I think these are ways that we can live a front row life.

[00:20:08] MB: We went pretty deep in our previous interview into celebration and then how to really create celebration in your life. I want to explore a little bit more this idea of hope, and especially I really like the notion that you share, this idea that hope is not weakness.

[00:20:24] JV: That kind of sounds a little light. If you’re like, “Hey, I want to come in and talk to your sales team about hope.” They’re like, “Oh! I much be more interesting in like closing sales,” right? Yeah, it feels a little light.

[00:20:37] JV: So tell me more about why hope isn’t weakness.

[00:20:40] JV: Well, I think that hope changes the way we behave. One of my favorite movies, and I don’t’ remember if we talked about this in the previous interview, but Shawshank Redemption, right? Nobody knows what that's about. It's basically about a man who escapes from prison. An innocent man was put in prison and he finally escapes. The movie to me was about persistence. The movie to me was about being steadfast in your belief that you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, pun intended.

In this movie he gets out. He just suffers and suffers and suffers and your heart is breaking with this character of the movie, and at the end, when he gets out – By the way, I don't know whether or not you’ve seen the movie, but I’m talking to all the people out there who may not have seen the movie. It's like – And as a reminder to those who have, when he gets out, he gets to this one tree and he digs up kind of a treasure that his cellmate had told him about and he starts reading a letter, and one of the things is hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things and good things never die.

I'll never forget hearing that line in the movie. I'll never forget understanding how hope creates in our world this determination and perseverance and gives us this energy to act, and I think that's the difference, right? It's a way of understanding the power of dreams that people have in their life. One of my friends, Matthew Kelly, who’s a wonderful author, wrote a book, wrote many books, but one of them is called The Dream Manager, and The Dream Manager is all about understanding that as a manager of people, we sometimes underestimate the power of knowing what their dreams are and how their current role and their current job can actually help them to live out their dreams.

So on his team – And he's a consultant and works with big companies all over the world. On his team and what he teaches other people to do is to literally have dream sessions with their teams, where people come to a staff meeting with a list of a hundred dreams and they literally go around the table and you just start with your number one dream and you read it off to the group and you talk about that dream and then you keep going around the table.

What's amazing is that people can actually start to help make other people's dreams come to life, and then now that sales team, that team of nurses, that group of accountants, all of a sudden they find more meaning and purpose in their moments, because they have hope for the future and that they can actually find out how what we're doing today, our team. Why are we together? Why are we working together? It's not just to do these numbers as an accountant, but it's to actually be in relationship with one another. It's actually to understand what each other's hopes and dreams are and to help each other move forward. That this becomes a vessel, that this will work that we do becomes a conduit to our possible future, right? That to me is the magic of hope. Hope is united. Hope is collaborative. Hope brings things to life, but I think that's something that we all need.

I mean, truly, when a company talks about a 10-year vision, or in Japan and overseas, they talk about the hundred year vision that companies are creating. Really, what they're talking about is what they're hopeful for. What do they hope happens within their company? The reason in some ways is hope is because nobody controls the future. I mean, look at most – Most plans become – They become archives immediately, because they literally – We don't know what the future holds for that plan. That's why so many great leaders that I know are like planning beyond like 90 days. Yeah, you could cast a vision. Yeah, you could be helpful for things that you could create, but – I mean, we just don't know what's going to happen. We don't know what's going to happen.

So when life is throwing us curveballs, when we’re getting punched in the face, when we’re in the storm, hope brings us through, because it creates – It's always a possibility. Who doesn't need that? Who doesn't need to overcome adversity? Every business owner, every parent, everybody, there’s not a person on the planet. So on some level this has to be a role in someone's life. This has to be a place. We don't live in the future. I don't live in hope. I just live into it.

[00:25:03] MB: The whole discussion around dreams and goals and the exercise you shared earlier I think is really powerful, which is this idea of writing down the dreams and goals of the people who are closest to you even thinking about people in my own life. It's amazing how it's so easy to overlook that and yet there's such a rich ground for engagement and meaning and relationship building if we just wrote that list down and began with that.

[00:25:29] JV: Yeah. It's so fascinating even for me to think about how I'll teach this and then occasionally I'll go, “Oh! I should probably do what I teach,” and I go, “Oh! I actually need to go back to the basics in my own life.”

One of my favorite questions always is what dreams are making you come alive right now? What are you chasing? What are you hopeful for? Did everything worked out? If this year we’re wildly successful, what would change in your life? Those are the things I want to talk about. That’s much better than what do you do at a party? Asking that question what do you do? It's like, “Hey, what are you excited about right now?” It’s so cool. Let people take it wherever they want.

[00:26:09] MB: I’m definitely going to upgrade my cocktail conversation to use that question.

[00:26:14] JV: Right. Right. Oh! It’s so funny, speaking of that. I remember years ago I was at a networking event of some type or a personal growth conference and I never do this, but I did it in the moment where I said to the woman, I go, “What do you do?” and her response was, “Ugh! I hate that question.” I was like, “Me too! I’m so sorry I asked it.” But she gave me the most direct, brutally, honest response to that question. I thought it was super funny.

[00:26:39] MB: And I think it also underscores – You touched on this earlier, but I think it's worth coming back to and exploring, the importance of showing up to serve others and to put others often times or many times ahead of yourself and how that can really create meaning in our lives and help foster and develop incredibly powerful relationships.

[00:27:00] JV: Yeah. Yeah, it’s true.

[00:27:03] MB: So something else that you’ve talk about the past and you actually talked about it in our previous interview, but we didn't get to go deep on it and I wanted to come back and explore in this conversation is the idea of creating fuel for your life, fuel to really help you move forward and be energized and excited about engaging with the world. I’d love to hear a little bit more about how you think about creating kind of that evergreen fuel or energy for yourself.

[00:27:27] JV: I think fuel is purpose. It's the why behind things. When we started Front Row Foundation, one of the questions that led to the decision to start it was, “What are your fears and what are your loves?” We thought those are two opposite ends of a spectrum that are very important to explore to understand why you want to do something.

So, in our case, one of the things that I love was experiences. I wanted to get to the end of my life and feel like I had made the most of my time, that I didn't just kind of watched the world go by, that I really stepped into it and was a part of it and I was interested in not just being somebody that was letting happen – Letting moments happen to me as much as I was creating those moments with intention. My greatest celebrations at that time were times where I really did something epic and I would tell that story for years. I would have a party at my house and I would really work hard to make sure all my friends had a really good time and I would end up telling that story down the road. We would celebrate that. I thought, “There's something there to life that these experiences over things was very important,” and that's what I would be proud of, is not a life of material possessions that I collected, but experiences that we created.

Then the fear was actually just the opposite of that, which is getting to the end and thinking that I didn't do that. My greatest fear was wasting my life. So if I knew that my greatest fear and my greatest love were very complementary of one another, how could I help people who had a life-threatening illness to have perhaps arguably one of the best days of their life ever and then to let that be a metaphor for how they live every day of their life. It was actually those questions that led us to the start of Front Row Foundation.

In the very beginning we were running an ultramarathon to raise money. Now, is was not a runner. I don't know if we talked about this before, but I'd never run more than 3 miles in my whole life, literally. Never ran track. I was never – I never did it for fun. I never did it for any reason. I never ran more than –Most I ever ran was 3 miles one time with my dad when I think I was like 13 or 14-years-old. I’d never forget, he was so blown away that I actually made it 3 miles. But since then, never ran.

In fact, I had been in sports and had some knee stuff and I used to tell myself, “I’m not a runner. I have knee problems.” My buddy comes to me and says, “Let's run a 52-mile ultramarathon.” I remember laughing. I mean, like, “Dude, you're insane. I've never run 10 miles, 5 miles. You want my first marathon to be 52 miles?” and then he’s like, “Yeah.” I said, “I can’t I got bad knees.” He goes, “If you can't, you must,” and that moment when your friends say something to you and you’re like, “I don't have a good come back for this, but you're right,” like in many ways like I am glad that he challenged me. I loved that idea that if you tell yourself you can't do something, maybe that's the thing you need to go do more than anything to overcome that fear and to push beyond that boundary, that limiting belief of your life. So I reluctantly signed up. Then we started training. Long story short, we ended up doing it. We ended up running 52 miles 16 weeks later, 16 weeks, that's what I trained for, 16 weeks, and it's a much longer story and I wrote about it in the Front Row Factor book, but I will tell you that what hit me during that run, the most valuable lesson I got from the whole thing was that I was in excruciating pain at mile 26. I didn't think I could move my foot another step. I have this really bad pain in my right knee now, which I know is an IT band that was tight. It feels like somebody was stabbing me in my knee every step I took. I was literally on the ground at 26 miles. I was grabbing my leg. I was in tears. I was crying. I’m 30-years- old, I’m on the ground, I’m crying grabbing my leg. I'm in so much pain.

Then I have this thought, I have this thought about this little girl named Sophie who we did an event for. Sophie was four-years-old battling a brain tumor, in and out of surgeries, treatments. We took her to go see Kelly Clarkson. She had an amazing time. Met Kelly Clarkson, pictures hanging like 3 feet from where I stand right now. At her funeral, her mom and dad put her VIP Kelly Clarkson badge around her neck as they buried her. I thought about the fight that this little girl was in. I thought about the pain she endured all the time and I thought about the pain that her parents endured through that journey and still beyond her passing.

Then I thought about this knee pain that I had and all of a sudden it just became in perspective, and I thought about all the people that we had written a letter to and told him that we were going to do this run and they had donated money and they believed in us, and all of a sudden with all that new purpose, the pain started to subside. The pain started to go away. I started to get connected to my purpose of why I was there. So purpose relieves pain, and pain often becomes our purpose.

So I said, “When you're why has heart, your how gets legs, and your, why you do something, why build that business, why teach at that school, why donate to the charity, why host this podcast, why write that book, why do this speech, why take your kids to school, why enroll them in that special school, why move your house to a new neighborhood, why do anything that takes a lot of effort, why do that? When you're clear about that, when your why has real heart, your how gets legs. How you get that done you'll always find a way. You don't have to know how. You have to know why to begin, and then you'll figure out how if you have a big enough reason why.

I'm not the first person to ever say it. I’m the first person to say it that way, when your why has heart, your how gets legs, but this is a concept that I’d heard people talk about and it finally made sense to me. It finally made sense. I've heard people say, “When your why is strong enough, your how reveals itself,” and it just hit me on this run that that's why I needed to move. That if I had a big enough heart, if I could stay connected, if I could hold this image of Sophie, four-years-old, in my mind. If I could hold the image of my donors, if I could hold the image of future recipients of our charity in my mind, that I would then be able to move.

So, reluctantly, I moved another 26 miles, but I did it because I had real purpose and I think that's where we find the fuel, and that’s where we find unending, real fuel. I'm not saying that you can eat garbage food and not sleep, and somehow that there's always fuel there. Now, you got to do the other things too. Yeah, eat your fruits and veggies, drink a lot of water, get some sleep, reduce stress, the bad stress, not the good stress. Those are important pieces, but the heart piece is so critically important to the fuel, that if you are missing that, then you’ve got to go back and ask yourself, “Why am I doing this? What's the real purpose of this? What’s the real purpose of my work?”

Sometimes what you will find is that you just lost your purpose. You don’t even need to change jobs. You just needed to reconnect to what it was, and then other people are like, “Now that I'm digging in, I’m recognizing this actually isn’t what I'm supposed to be doing. I need to be doing something differently,” and they finally find their flow and things click. I feel like I'm still doing that. I mean, even with my new Front Row Dads thing, like professional speaker for 10 years, and all of a sudden to wake up overnight and go, “Wait a minute. That was my calling,” and now my calling is this dad's thing. It’s very different. I’ll still probably do speaking about it, but yeah, I meant to run this front row dad's group. That's a big realization.

What’s funny is sometimes your friends will affirm it. My friends have been telling me, they’re like, “Dude, you’ve done a lot of good things that you’ve aligned with your values, but nothing has been better than Front Row Dads. This is what you were born to do more than anything in the world. This is what you're born to do.” That feels really good. Even just have somebody reflect that back to you to affirm that, and it’s not that I'm doing it for them, but boy, do I hear that, and then I know it's true and I'm like, “You're right. You're totally right. I know that,” and I'm glad you can see it too.

[00:36:00] MB: I want to come back to Front Row Dads in just a second, but before we do, how do we find that purpose without or that heart for someone who doesn't have it, who feels lost or confused. How do they go about beginning that journey?

[00:36:15] JV: A lot of it is silence. I’m such a big fan of silence. People often think it's more about reading something or listening to something. I wrote a book, I read all the time, I host a podcast, I listen to them all the time, but I'm also, as an example, I’ve got a 10-day silent retreat coming up in January in two months. 10 days, no talking, no journaling, no reading, 10 days of pure silence. I think that that's one of the things that we’re missing, is this opportunity to just not hear anything except for what's happening in our heart and in our soul.

Often times, that we’re so busy with things that we don't hear the messages. If your face is buried in Instagram and Facebook, or even on podcasts or in books, if you're buried in that, constantly trying to add something to your life, learn a new quote, or strategy, or actionable idea, if they’re buried in that, you're missing one of the biggest elements, which is silence.

I remember like a year ago I was going through a difficult time in my marriage and one of my buddies was like, “It’s so good to have people that will just call you out and like just be honest with you. I got a lot of people in my life. Thank you. By the way, for all the high-fives and the you rocks and all that, I love it. Thank you, but boy do I crave people, they’re like, “Let me tell you something nobody wants to tell you.” That’s actually to me the most valuable comment.

I had a buddy, it was like, “Dude, one of the problems is you don't know what you want. You got to stop listening to other people. You got to stop asking other people for advice. You got to stop thinking about what's right for your partner. What’s missing is you don't know who you are anymore. You don't know what you want. You don't know what direction you're going, and you need to connect with what you want, who you are, where you want your life to go,” because that's attractive also to other people, certainty. It's the balance of confidence and humility. It’s the best blend. Somebody that's both confident and humble.

Jacko Willink, I’m big fan of. Had a chance to introduce him at an event a month ago. I was talking to him backstage and I was like, “This guy is the perfect blend of confidence and humility in my opinion.” No perfection in the world, of course, but he’s awesome at that. You’d think like he's actually not a bulldozer of a person, and I know people that have been on his SEAL team, and he's not a bulldozer of a person, but he has to know when to say, “This is what we’re doing,” but he also has to know when somebody comes to him and says, “That could be the wrong move,” and then he has to be both confident enough to know when he has to say yes and humble enough to say, “You know what? You're right. I didn't see that. You're right. Let's change.” I think that for a lot of us that's the case.

[00:39:16] MB: Such a great piece of advice, and I get so many emails from listeners who are lost who can't find their purpose who feel like they don't know what they want to do with lives. They don't know which goals they should be pursuing. I think that's a really powerful piece of advice for them.

[00:39:31] JV: Yeah, and I think all the people that have traveled the road before me who have both written and spoken about and shared this into my life, into my heart directly in many different ways, but particularly my buddy Tim who directly said this to me. That was really great wisdom, because it wasn't another book that I needed and it wasn’t another podcast. It was silence. I needed to hear what I already knew to be true, and I just forgot that.

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[00:41:23] MB: I want to come back in and spend a little bit of time talking about Front Row Dads and your new initiative. To start out, and I know this isn’t directly related to fatherhood, but in many ways it is. I’d love to hear the story of your son and when he was rockclimbing, and then we’ll have some lessons for everybody and then we can talk a little bit about Front Row Dads as well.

[00:41:42] JV: Yeah. So my son is four at the time of this story and we’re living in New Jersey. I’d take him out to this kind of pop-up park, this festival that was happening in our neighborhood, and they had set up a big rock wall, probably 30 or 40 feet tall. We were walking by it and he’s like, “I want to climb that wall.” He’s four. I just want to set the stage again, and I think to myself, “There's no way. This is big kid activity.” He won't fit in the harness. There's no way he's going to do this. He can't reach the different holds on the wall, but he’s super persistent as a four-year-old should be. He's just asking me repeatedly to do it.

So I kind of caved and just go, “All right. Fine. Go.” It’s kind of like I wanted to be like, “Yeah, you’re going to try it and you’re going to know I’m right.” I didn’t quite say that out loud, but that's what was going on in my heart. It was just like, “There's no way.”

Well, he gets harnessed up barely, barely fits him, and he gets his hands on the wall and the kid just shoots up like 30 feet on the wall, almost to the top, like probably 5 or 10 feet from the top, and I’m blown away. I’m sitting there –I'm beside myself. I can't believe he did it. So clearly I’m standing corrected, right? When he gets to this part of the wall where the wall inverts out, it looks to me like the expert part of the wall. The part of the wall that – The last 5 feet, most challenging. He stops right there, he turns around, he looks at me and he yells down, he was, “Papa!” He goes, “I can't,” and he's looking up and he’s looking down at me and he’s intimidated and he tries and he can't do it and I'm thinking to myself, “Of course, you can’t. You’re four, dude. I’m amazed at what you did, but I’m not shocked you can't make it past the expert part.”

So because my brain said, “Well, of course that's not for him.” I say, “Hey buddy, it's okay. You tried,” and I just thought that was like encouraging and supportive. I thought that I really nailed that as a dad. Until the guy who was the – The guy who is working at the rock wall, he looked at me, and before my son could let go, he looked at me, he said, “Hey, man,” he goes, “I think your boy can do this. He turns around and he looks up at my son and he says, “Hey little man, try again.” My son heard this confident vote to give it another shot from the guy who worked there, and my son grabs a hold of the wall and with all of his might and with every ounce of strength in this little four-year-old body he makes it to the very, very top of the wall, and he smashes his button and the lights go off and he's coming down from the wall and everybody's clapping and cheering, this little four-year-old who just made it to the very top of this wall, and he walks over to me and I give him a high five and I’m like, “Buddy, you did it. I’m blown away. I’m so proud of you.” This guy who’s standing next to me, we get to talking where he’s like, “Your boy is – I can't believe he did that. He’s only four?” I was like, “Yeah! It's amazing,” and he's like, “Yeah, that's yeah really amazing.”

Then as my son's getting the harness taken off the guy, he’s like, “Oh! You live around here?” and I’m like, “Yeah.” He goes, “What do you do?” and I was like, “I’m a motivational speaker,” and I realize as I say that how what just happened that this wall was not what a motivational speaker would do. Why was it that I was literally – I was like, “There’s no way you can do this,” like, “You tried buddy. Come on down.” Why is it that the guy who worked there was the only one who is like, “You got this. Try again.”

I realized in that moment that we often treat other people like we remember them in the past, not as who they’ve become, and that I'm actually as a father more susceptible that than even a stranger, because I think of my son as he was when he was 3-1/2, or three, or I fail to see, because I see him every day that he has grown and he has changed. I’m constantly treating him like I remember what his capabilities were, and that I realized as a dad that I need to be hyper-vigilant to not let that happen, to not let my own perceptions of my son's abilities stand in the way of his progress in life. Then I started thinking about how I do that on my team. How sometimes like somebody work for Front Row Foundation and I’ll think there have these capabilities and I treat them as such. But if they went and worked somewhere else, somebody might give them a job promotion or of another title and all of a sudden they rise to the occasion.

I mean, there's a lot of science behind that, about studies of teachers who are given classrooms and they say, “Your classroom is gifted,” and the kids perform at such. “Hey, your classroom is challenged. Be careful with them,” and then they drop in their scores.” In our lives, whether it's being a dad or a husband or a wife or whoever you are leading a team, part of your community, you have to see what's possible in situations. That's being hopeful for what's next. You have to see possibility and then you have to believe in that before it even comes true, and I think that's cool.

My friend Geoff Woods who works with Gary Keller and Jay Papasan, they work on a project called The ONE Thing, and it's a training company and an awesome book. You guys have probably read it. One of the things he talks about is Gary's definition of what a goal is, and a real goal is to know how to be appropriate in the moment. The purpose of a goal is to be appropriate in the moment, and that when we have a vision or a goal, it tells us how we can then act in the moment. I think that often times we have to understand what is our goal as a parent? What is our goal as a community leader or a team leader, an entrepreneur or whoever you are? Then how can we learn to be more appropriate in the moment.

As a father, as somebody who wants to be a leader of others, I need to be more appropriate in recognizing somebody's potential in that moment of what they could become. That's being a moment maker, by the way. When we talk about being a moment maker, that's what it's about.

[00:47:46] MB: And for listeners who want to dig in, we went really deep in our previous interview on how to create and make incredible moments in your life, but I want to spend – I know we’re running out of time, but I want to spend a couple of minutes and hear a little bit more about some of the lessons that you've learned from Front Row Dads.

[00:48:04] JV: Oh man! This has been the best project yet. Two years ago it all started because I didn't think I was an awesome dad and a husband. Like I got honest with myself, I was at a party and somebody's like, “What do you do?” I started to answer with like what I thought they were asking, which is speaker, charity thing. I cut myself off and I answered it how I wanted to answer it. How I wish I’d answered it for years, which is that I'm a father and I’m a husband. But when I'm not doing that, I happen to do these other things on the side.

Most people think of themselves, in my case, with my dads, not my dads, but guys that are my demographic, right? These are guys who think of themselves as businessmen with families versus a family man with a business. So whether you're a man or a dad or whomever, think about how you identify in the world. What's really important? Where is your identity?

So for me, one of the most valuable things about Front Row Dads is that this community holds me to the identity of being a family man with a business, not a businessman with a family. We always say these are men with wisdom who are wise enough to know there's more to learn, and that’s where I want to be. I want to be surrounded by people who are not only – That have wisdom but just that have the humility to come in and say, “What else can I know?” It’s not always about something new. It’s something true.

So what has the community taught me? Countless lessons, but a couple of really game changers. I shared one with you and I'll share it with the audience right now. That is that at this retreat that we just had, 33 guys got together for three days. I brought in one of my friends, Dr. Kelly Flanagan, to be a guest and to speak and answer questions, and this guy is great. He wrote a book called Lovable. He’s fantastic, and Dr. Kelly, or he allows me to call him Kelly, he's talking to the guys and one of the things that comes up is about shamem, this idea of like with our kids, and even as dads, how shame shows up in our life. He gives a great metaphor that I think is valuable for anybody. This is not just for dads, but it certainly applied to us, and here's what he said, he said, “I've thought a lot about this like ego that we have, this false self and the true self.” He goes, “The way I see it is that we’re all born with our true self.” That's why my four-year-old right now can run around naked downstairs and do a dance in the middle of our living room without any fear, because he's born his true self.

Then what happens is when he starts to go to school or he grows up a little bit, he actually experiences some shame, some pain, and starts to develop a little bit of a false self. Where that – Like as an example of that, it's like you don't feel cool enough because you're not wearing the cool clothes or brands or something like that or you don't have cool sneakers and you start to feel that who you are as a person isn't enough in the world and that you need to build a false self to fit in and to be loved and be appreciated and be connected. So we have to get this certain pair of shoes in order to get connected. We all experience it. It’s natural part of growing up and to different degrees and different levels, of course, with different people. But we develop this false self. Then what we do is we spend the rest of our life trying to figure out who our true self is again. We got to go back to the beginning.

Another one of my friends says – Like we call it his school. He runs a school. He calls it butterfly-cocoon- butterfly, or butterfly-caterpillar-butterflies. It’s like this idea of like they're born a butterfly free then they sort of get into this cocoon and they come out butterfly again towards the end when they figure out who they really are.

So what Kelly says, the great metaphor that I think is perfect, he said, “When we’re like, let’s say, 4th, 5th grade, we start to develop a castle, and these castle walls are like the image that we project to the world. We start to build a protective boundary around us so that people really don't know who we are. My example of that is like the castle walls are a little bit like clothes, right? We put on clothes to protect ourselves from the world and to project an image to the world of who we are. How we want to be identified. So we build these castle walls. He goes, “That's to protect yourself from other people hurting you. You're not enough, you don't fit in, you don't wear the cool clothes.”

He was, “But then usually a few years later we actually figure out that we can put cannons on that castle, and these cannons that we put on will allow us to actually go on the offense with people.” So before other people can hurt us, we can fire a canon and hurt them.” That might be with a sarcastic remark, right? That's where we can actually attack if we think we’re in jeopardy. So we learn that we can do that to protect ourselves or make ourselves feel better is to put somebody else down or to hurt somebody else before they can hurt us. That's the essence of the canon.

Then what we do is in our lives we actually find that we have a throne, and the throne as a place of righteousness. The throne is actually a place where you’re great, you're really good at something, and you can actually sit on that throne and you get to kind of lead your kingdom from there. You can be really good at math. You could be the best writer. You could be really good at sports. When you’re out of school, you might find that you’re really good at a particular business and then you get into that and you find your sweet spot and you’re just like, “I found my throne where I can sort of be right in the world. These are my opinions, my decisions,” and this is where our ego likes to live is in this throne.

He says, “But then once we have all these, we also recognize that our castle has a drawbridge, and we have this opportunity to put the drawbridge down and to walkout and to be vulnerable with people to be open and to expose kind of our true selves,” and we made the joke at the Dads Retreat about like running naked through a field, like this true self. But in all seriousness, it's really about being able to just like drop the guard, drop the guard and just be you.

Now the cool thing of what Dr. Kelly said that I think is really applicable here to everybody is that I actually told Kelly that I actually had shame around the fact that I built a castle. I said, “Actually, I look back on my life and I feel horrible about the fact that I was so insecure that I had to like wear all these clothes and I said mean things and I did mean things to people to make myself feel better or to fit in. I’d I put somebody else down to get in with another group. I would compromise my values to meet my need for connection, and I felt bad about that.” He said, “Right.” He said, “The thing is we don't need to attack our castle and we don't need to make our castle wrong, because the castle never goes away. In fact, it's good that you have it, because you're probably not going to go to a wedding for a friend and walkout and you meet somebody new, and all of a sudden they’re like, “Hey, what's your name? What do you do?” and you’re like, “Hey, let me tell you everything about my life, my deepest darkest secrets. Let me literally pull back the curtain and hold nothing back.”

He goes, “That’s not necessarily how we should be engaging with people anyways, right? We want to be open. We want to walk out of our castle a little bit, but we also know that sometimes it actually might be good to be in our castle. There are actually times when we might need that to protect ourselves.” He goes, “The difference is whether or not we know that the castle is there. How to use the castle? How to come out of the castle? Then how we shouldn't make the castle a bad thing, but to understand that everybody has a true self that they're born with, they find a false self, which is their ego and then they hopefully find their way back to their true self and their life.”

I think that, to me, one of the things I came into Front Row Dads thinking was that I was going to learn these things that I could say to my kid to be a better dad. Like do this thing, do this thing every Monday at 9 and you'll be a better dad. Make sure to send your kid to this school and you'll be an awesome dad, and I thought they’re going to be this practical, logical, very male-focused things, and we have plenty of those. But what I'm realizing is that just like in the book, The Awakened Family, the real growth that your kids experience is because of the real growth that you as a dad experience, or you as a mom experience, or the real growth of your business is the experience, the growth of the leader. That's why Jim Rohn famously said that, “Your business success will rarely exceed the level of your personal development.”

So as a dad, most of my breakthroughs are coming by the way of how I see myself or how I get myself under control. Like a quit drinking. All of a sudden I'm a better dad. I change things about my own life and all of a sudden I’m just a better dad. All of a sudden I take better care of myself physically, I’ve got more energy for my kids. I have to know that there's this piece of it where the more I learn about myself, the more emotionally resilient I am, the more emotional mastery I have in my life and less like I am to yell at my kids or yell at my wife in front of my kids.

There're all these things that I know a lot of people deal with. People don't want to admit it that they’re getting angry behind the scenes losing their you know what, but it's like they do. The best guys, people you'd never think, lose their minds behind the scenes. I think that this Front Row Dads thing for me is just been another dive into my growth with some lessons of course about how to be a better husband, be a better dad. Those are there for sure, and the practice of doing those, the attention and intention of doing these things.

[00:57:22] MB: Such a fascinating topic and really, really interesting exploration. For listeners who have listened to this interview who want to take some kind of action step, do something concrete to start implementing some of the ideas and themes that we’ve talked about today into their lives, what would be one piece of homework or one action item that you would give them?

[00:57:42] JV: Well, I would write out your list of your topic eight relationships and write out their dreams, and then do something once a month to support their dream. Send them a text message and be like, “How's it going with your goal here or your goal there?” Write them down, hang them up somewhere where you can see them and follow up with people, and do that right now. Depending on when this airs, but do this for the next 12 months. That's an easy thing to do. It's actually easy to do. It's also easy not to do. It’s easy for somebody to be like, “Oh, that's a great idea,” and then right back into their day, which is cool. I know, we’re all busy. Everybody is busy. Got it. You’re full. You’ve got to choose where you want to put your time and energy, but I mean, listen, I would challenge somebody to tell me why that wouldn't be a good use of time. Tell me what's more important than knowing who are the most important relationships in your life and helping support their dreams. Tell me where that's not important. Tell me how that's not relevant.

I think it's actually one of the most fulfilling things to do, and don't do it just because you think you're getting social equity. Don't do it just because you want a place to keep score, because six months from now you're going to launch a book and you're going to demand they write you a review, and you did them a favor so they better do you a favor. That's not the heart behind it. The heart behind it is like do this with no expectation of anything in return. Do this with no expectation of anybody doing anything in return for you. But do this because it's the right thing to do, supporting people with their dreams.

Now you already know that you help enough people with their dreams and people will be excited to help you with yours. You know that's going to happen, but don't let that be the primary motivation here. Of course, that's part of it. Of course we’re all motivated by, “Hey, look. If I put a lot of good out, it's not a bad thing to feel good too.” That's not a bad thing. It's just, yeah, do that. That's your action.

[00:59:33] MB: And for listeners who want to find you and all the things you're working on online, what's the best place for them to do that?

[00:59:38] JV: Main hub for everything is frontrowfactor.com. That's got – All of the stuff is there, but if you want the dad stuff, it's frontrowdads.com. Charity is frontrowfoundation.org. But if you want an easy thing to remember, just Front Row Factor. If you go pump in to the internet Jon Front Row, you'll probably find me.

Yeah, and I’d love to serve. We’ve got the Front Row Factor Podcast where we’re talking to people who are facing life-threatening illnesses and how do we navigate those very difficult spaces. So listen. The percentage of people that either battle a life-threatening illness or know somebody who has through the roof, that would be the podcast for them, and we have our Front Row Dads podcast. So if you are a dad or you know a dad, then that's a place where we’re interviewing epic dads about their journey and what they’re learning.

[01:00:19] MB: Well, Jon, thank you so much for coming on the show for sharing all these incredible insights and all this wisdom. It’s been a pleasure to have you back on The Science of Success.

[01:00:27] JV: Hey, great to be here, guys. A true honor. Thank you so much.

[01:00:30] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you, our listeners, master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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Don't forget, if you want to get all the incredible information we talked about in the show, links transcripts, everything we discussed and much more, be sure to check out our show notes. You can get those at successpodcast.com, just hit the show notes button right at the top.

Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.

February 28, 2019 /Lace Gilger
Focus & Productivity, Influence & Communication
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How Superhumans and Navy SEALs Perform at The Extremes of Human Capacity with Dr. Rowan Hooper

February 21, 2019 by Lace Gilger in High Performance

In this episode we ask how champions are made. Are they born or are they built? Is nature vs nurture even a useful model for understanding human performance? We look at the incredible power of focus and how it translates into championship performance, we study how Navy SEALs use the technique of “drown proofing” and how you can use the same thing to conquer your own fear and perform like a champion. All of this and much more with our guest Dr. Rowan Hooper. 

Dr. Rowan Hooper is managing editor of New Scientist Magazine, where he has spent more than ten years writing about all aspects of science. He is also the author of the bestselling book Superhuman: Life at the Extremes of Our Capacity. He worked as a biologist and reporter in Japan and two collections of his long-running column for the Japan Times have been published in Japan. His work has also appeared in The Economist, The Guardian, Wired, and The Washington Post.

  • Are champions and high performers born or are they made?

  • How does expertise, traits, and personality develop over time? 

  • To be the best in the world at something, no matter what the rest of us may desire, you probably have a genetic leg up to help you achieve absolute greatness 

  • It's a combination of practice and extreme genetics that lead to world championship performance 

  • Even if you don’t win the genetic lottery, you get make huge strides and get a very long way with practice - it’s an essential component of achievement 

  • It’s not as simple as having a gene that simply makes you a better singer or better runner - it’s a mix or combination of dozens, if not hundreds, of genes - and whether those genes are expressed, via epigenetics 

  • In complex traits, there are many more genes involved than we originally thought 

  • What is epigenetics and how does it play into the expression of certain genes?

  • Does nature vs nurture make sense? Is that still a useful model for understanding performance?

  • There is no such thing as nature vs nurture - there is no battle between nature and nature - its never VS - it’s always nature & nature - combined - they stack together to create who you are 

  • People often deny the nature side of the equation - because we can’t do much about it - but it does have an impact 

  • For many complex traits, for example intelligence, around 50% of the variance in that trait is typically linked to genetics 

  • For memory - its one of the traits where you can substantially increase your memory without any real genetic help. 

  • What you can learn from the world record for sailing around the world solo 

  • The incredible power of focus - and how Ellen MacArthur organized her entire life towards setting an epic world record 

  • What does the science say about how we can become more focused?

  • Massive meta analysis studies of meditation show that over time your brain structure changes and your cognitive ability improves 

  • What does “the science of bravery” say?

  • Extraordinary fear can lead to extraordinary stress and PTSD 

  • What do scientists say about how we can increase bravery in ourselves? 

  • What Navy SEALs training and “drown proofing” can teach us about conquering fear and being more brave 

  • What does it mean when “the training kicks in” in a moment of crisis?

  • Exposure therapy - and why it’s so important to helping conquer fear 

  • When you study world class performance - you often come across this idea - exposure therapy and discomfort are tools to overcome fear and tough situations. Don’t move away from what scares you, learn to expose yourself to it slowly and build tolerance. 

  • Courage is moving slowly towards what you’re naturally inclined to fear 

  • The power of lucid dreaming - controlling your dreams to improve your performance

  • There are some extraordinary studies about lucid dreaming

  • How do we think about performance and achievement in our lives, in the context of this science?

  • Think about WHY you are doing what you are doing. Is it really what you love doing? Why do you want to achieve that goal or improve that aspect of yourself?

  • Cross train, and don’t specialize too early. Try different things until you find the one that just suits you perfectly

  • Homework: Practice whatever it is you’ve decided you want to improve yourself in, practice in a directed and deliberate way, check the science behind what you’re doing 

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We’re proud to announce that this week’s episode of The Science of Success is brought to you by our partners at Athletic Greens!

Athletic Greens is offering our listeners 
20 FREE TRAVEL PACKS, a $79 value, with your first purchase when you go to www.athleticgreens.com/success.

Start this year off with a new incredibly impactful and easy to maintain healthy habit with Athletic Greens. The fact is, the perfect diet doesn't exist, and ultimately falls short due to a busy lifestyle, travel schedule or restrictive diets. That's why Athletic Greens packs in 75 whole food sourced ingredients and covers you in 5 key areas of health, making it one of the most comprehensive supplements on the market.

Want To Dig In More?! - Here’s The Show Notes, Links, & Research

General

  • Editor of New Scientist Online

  • Rowan’s Contently page

  • LinkedIn

  • Twitter

Media

  • [Press Release] SuperHuman Press Release

  • [Article] Daily Mail - “Are champions born or made? Is it blood, sweat and tears, pushy parents, or simply in the genes? A fascinating new book reveals what it takes to be superhuman” by Dominic Lawson

  • [Article] The Times - “Review: Superhuman: Life at the Extremes of Mental and Physical Ability” by Rowan Hooper

  • [Article] Early article directory on WIRED

  • [Article] Wall Street Journal - “The Biology of Bravery—and Fear” by Rowan Hooper

  • [Article] The Independent - “From happiness to drive, what makes people superhuman?” by Niamh Horan

  • [Article] Slate’s Future Tense Newsletter - “Can You Replicate the Burning Desire to Win That Drives Superhuman Athletes?” by Rowan Hooper

  • [Podcast] The Other F Word - Ep 99: Rowan Hooper on How Superhumans Deal with Failure

  • [Podcast] LIVE INSPIRED PODCAST - 11 WAYS TO BE SUPERHUMAN (ROWAN HOOPER, EP. 105)

  • [SoS Episode List] Episodes Covering Creativity & Memory

Videos

  • ITV News - Rowan Hooper interview: What it takes to be superhuman

  • Cision UK - Rowan Hooper, News Editor, New Scientist

  • New Scientist Live Event Intro - Rowan Hooper -- Wild weather: Is climate change already taking its toll?

Books

Superhuman: Life at the Extremes of Our Capacity by Dr. Rowan Hooper

Episode Transcript

[00:00:04.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[00:00:11] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success, the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than 3 million downloads, listeners in over a hundred countries.

In this episode, we asked how champions are made. Are they born or are they built? Is nature versus nurture even a useful model for understanding human performance anymore? We look at the incredible power of focus and how it translates into championship performance. We study how Navy SEALs use a technique called drown-proofing and how you can use the same strategy to conquer your own fear and perform like a champion. All of these and much more with our guest, Dr. Rowan Hooper.

Do you need more time; time for work time, for thinking and reading, time for the people in your life, time to accomplish your goals? This was the number one problem our listeners outlined and we created a new video guide that you can get completely for free when you sign up and join our email list. It's called How You Can Create Time for the Things That Really Matter in Life. You can get it completely for free when you sign up and join the email list at successpodcast.com.

You're also going to get exclusive content that's only available to our email subscribers. We recently pre-released an episode in an interview to our email subscribers a week before it went live to our broader audience. That had tremendous implications, because there is a limited offer in there with only 50 available spots that got eaten up by the people who were on the e-mail list first. With that same interview, we also offered an exclusive opportunity for people on our e-mail list to engage one-on-one for over an hour with one of our guests in a live exclusive interview, just for e-mail subscribers.

There's some amazing stuff that's available only to email subscribers that's only going on if you subscribe and sign up to the email list. You can do that by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the homepage. Or, if you're driving around right now, if you're out and about and you're on the go, you don't have time, just text the word “smarter” to the number 44222. That's S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44222.

What happens when a prominent neuroscientist finds out there’s something with his own brain? In our previous episode, we explored the shocking discovery that our previous guest made when he realized after years of studying the brains of psychopaths, that he had the exact same brain structure. We unwind the twisted narrative and the wild conclusions that came out of his riveting discovery. All of that and much more in our previous interview with our guest, Dr. James Fallon. If you want to see inside the mind of a psychopath, listen to our last episode.

Now, for our interview with Rowan.

[00:03:05] MB: Today, we have another exciting guest on the show, Rowan Hooper. Rowan is the managing editor of New Scientist Magazine where he spent more than 10 years writing about all aspects of science. He’s also the author of the bestselling book Superhuman: Life at The Extremes of Our Capacity. He worked as a biologist and a reporter in Japan and two collections of his long-running column for the Japan Times have been published in Japan as well. His work has also appeared in The Economist, The Guardian, Wired, The Washington Post and much more.

Rowan, welcome to the Science of Success.

[00:03:36] RH: Hey, Matt. Great to be on.

[00:03:38] MB: Well, we’re excited to have you on the show today. I’d love to start out with maybe a broad question, but I think it gets at the essence of a lot of what you write about and talk about in Superhuman and will give us a rich array of topics to really dig into from here. I know this is a big question, are champions and high-performers born or are they made?

[00:03:59] RH: Oh, man! You’ve gone to the heart of it straight away. Yeah. I mean, that’s the question we all want to know the answer. I actually think that they are made. So they’re born and made, but they’re born basically. What I mean by that is I think to be the best in world at something, no matter what the rest of us might think and what might desire, the people who are the best in the world tend to have a genetic leg up to help them achieve the absolute greatness.

That’s not to say they can roll out the bed and become the best in the world, but what we’re finding in genetic studies now, it looks like there’s a big genetic component to expertise and to top level world-class success. So are they born or made? They’re born but they’re also made because you still have to work, work, work, practice, train and do all that stuff, do all the nurture stuff, but you need nature as well.

[00:04:58] MB: There’s a great book called The Success Equation by Michael Mauboussin that I read some years ago that provides a really interesting mental model that I think kind of fits into this explanation. It’s this idea that for any outcome you draw from two jars, you draw from a luck jar and you draw from a skill jar, and the idea is you can get let’s say sort of a plus five to a minus five out of either of those jars and then that’s what your result is.

What I’m hearing you say, and correct me if this is wrong, but to be at the absolute top, that world champion level, you probably typically need to draw a max sort of roll from the luck jar in terms of your genetics or those kinds of abilities, but also a max roll from that practice of that skill jar as well.

[00:05:41] RH: That’s right. That’s birthright. I mean, and that’s not to say those who haven’t got – Haven’t lucked out on getting the right set of genes, and we can talk later about what that really means, because it’s not as simple as say having AG to being a great golf player or something. Those who don’t have like the genetic endowment, that doesn’t mean we just give up. You can still get a long way practicing, a long way. We’re talking about getting to be the best in world, then you’re right, you need to have top marks with both jars.

[00:06:12] MB: So let’s dig into that. Tell me more about the genes and perhaps even getting into epigenetics and how that works and how it’s not as simple as it may seem.

[00:06:20] RH: Sure. Well, I mean I think perhaps about 20 years ago, 10 years ago, when we just started sequencing the human genome and thinking about all these things in more detail, geneticist tended to think that a lot of our skills and traits and abilities would map quite closely to single genes, that there would be such a thing as like an intelligence gene even or a running gene, and people look to those things and they looked and looked and looked and we spent along many, many studies looking to these things by doing relations with people and genetic studies.

What we found is we have found many genes which looked to be related to, say, intelligence, or running ability, or singing ability, and I talk about all of these in the book. But the key point is we found many genes, many, many, many. For intelligence for example, there are hundreds of genes that are linked to intelligence, and each gene itself and each varying to that gene only has a .5% – Only adds about .5% of an increase in IQ, say, to the overall trait.

So it’s not like you have to have that one gene and you’re going to become super smart. You need to have lots of those, and that means that at least that sci-fi thinking about engineering those traits into ourselves, it’s not going to be possible for a foreseeable future, because there’s just so many genes that are involved in these traits.

So in complex traits, and they’re the ones where we’re all interested in. In complex traits, there are many more genes involved than we once thought. Even some relatively simple traits, like eye color, it turned out to be more genes than we thought. There are some things that still have the kind of old-fashioned one gene causes it, and they tend to be a few kinds of diseases that we know about. So cystic fibrosis, early onset Alzheimer’s, some diseases like that have – If you have the gene for that, then you’re almost certainly going to get the disease. But for more complex traits and for this also success outcome things that we’re interested in, they’re very complex and there’s a lot of genes involved in how that trait turns out as you grow up. So in short, we know that there is a big genetic component to these things, but it’s very complicated.

[00:08:39] MB: And help me understand and help some of the listeners understand how does epigenetics play into this and what exactly is epigenetics?

[00:08:46] RH: Right. Well, epigenetics is a way of modifying how genes turn on and off. So it doesn’t change the sequence of genes you have that you’ve inherited from your mother and father, but what happens is some genes can get turned on and off according to epigenetics, and that’s like a little marker that gets stuck on the sequence of your genetic code. So you can think of it like an on-off switch and saying, “Produce more of this gene or produce less of this gene.”

Maybe another way of thinking of it is like a volume switch. You can dial up the volume on gene and cause it to create more of its product or dial it down and it will create less. So things that happen to you from the moment you’re conceived, so from when you’re in the womb and as you’re growing up and in the everyday life, things like did your mother smoke when you were in the womb or did you smoke when you were a kid, say, before puberty. These things can have effects on your genes by causing like the volume switch to be dialed up or down. Your diet effects the epigenetics too.

I mean, what we’re understanding form this is that the genes that you have are by no means – You can’t tell everything that’s going to happen about your phenotypes. So your traits, your height, the way you behave, all of those sorts of things, just from gene sequence alone. You’ve got to look at the epigenetics as well, the way the genes are turned on and off.

[00:10:10] MB: So the idea is that you might start or have a certain array of genetic traits, but the environment and your upbringing the actions and things around you, diet, etc., all have a series effect on which genes are activated, which genes may be have the volume turned up and which genes may not activate at all.

[00:10:29] RH: That’s right. But I think that whilst we definitely should consider epigenetics, I think more important is whether you have that gene or not in the first place. So if you don’t have the right genes, say, are going to help you in endurance running, then it doesn’t matter if you’re going to dial them up or down. The right ones aren’t there.

So I think we got to think of genetics is a very, very complicated thing. So just to simplify it down, I think it just makes a bit more sense to think about the sort of underlying genetics that we’re working with and then perhaps worry about their epigenetics afterwards.

[00:11:04] MB: So how does this factor in to the traditional understanding or idea of nature versus nurture?

[00:11:11] RH: Well, to characterize that, is you’ve just described exactly what the common way of talking about development and ability is, which is you’ve put nature against nurture. It’s always called nature versus nurture when we have this conversation, but if there’s one thing I’d like people to take away from this conversation today is that that’s a false kind of fight by putting them against each other. It’s never nature versus nurture. It’s always both of those things. Nature is the genes that you’re born with and the epigenetic sort of markers that’s on there. Nurture is the environment you grow up in, which actually will include the epigenetic influence, but it’s the way you grow up, the school you go to, the diet you eat and so on. You can’t have one of those things in isolation, and people have often tried to emphasize that nurture is the more important one, and certainly it’s the one we can do more about, because we can’t do much about the genes we’ve got.

But I think people have tended to deny the importance of the nature side of things, and from huge amount of research that I’ve done and I’ve looked into during the reporting and writing of this book, I found that actually there’s a lot of information and a lot of evidence that suggests the nature side of things is more important than we thought.

Again, let me emphasize. It’s not to say it’s more important than nurture, but you got to consider both these things if you want to understand properly how things like expertise develop. How a human body develops and how our traits and personality and our abilities, how they all develop.

[00:12:54] MB: Tell me more about the robustness of this science.

[00:12:58] RH: Sure. So for something like intelligence, this has been very controversial, because the measurement of intelligence itself has been controversial. Then if you think about the genetics of intelligence, you can just imagine – Yeah, you know, you’re stirring a pot that can be very controversial. But putting that aside, what we’re finding from genetic studies is that about 50% of our intelligence seems to come from genetics. So there’s a big component about half of the variance and how intelligent we are is genetic.

Actually, that from many complex traits, intelligence is a complex trait. But many complex straits like that is a good rule of thumb and they found that about half of the variance in the ability in some trait is genetic, and this comes from many, many studies now, many, many genetic studies have found this. So, yeah, I think it’s actually very robust, but there’s a genetic, a strong genetic component to these things. Again, that doesn’t mean that there’s a single gene or even a few genes that correspond to giving us those traits. Again, there are many different genes, but there is a strong genetic component.

[00:14:11] MB: And in Superhuman, you reference and write about a lot of these studies. Many of them are meta-analysis with rather large datasets. Is that correct?

[00:14:20] RH: That’s right, yeah.

[00:14:21] MB: Why is that important?

[00:14:23] RH: Well, early studies will – When weren’t able to do genetic testing in a more widespread way, datasets were pretty small. So we could only look at maybe only a few hundred samples of people and look at how there might be some genetic correlation. So it meant that any conclusion we draw would have to be caveated with the understanding that there’s pretty small sample.

As genetic testing has got cheaper and got more widespread, datasets have just got bigger and bigger and bigger. So the robustness and the reliability of our studies has increased. By doing a meta-analysis, what that means is you can take separate individual studies from different places and pull them together and have a look at the bigger picture of what they all say. So that means you can really increase the size of the sample you’re looking at and try to get some really more robust idea about what might be going on underneath it all.

[00:15:19] MB: So I want to dig into a couple of the topics that you break down in the book and explore this a little more deeply. You touched on intelligence and talked a little bit about that. Tell me about some of the research you did on memory.

[00:15:33] RH: Yeah. Memory is a really interesting one, because we’ve just been talking about the role of genetics and I’ve been saying how I think to be the best in the world, you do need a kind of genetic leg up in most cases. But the memory, actually I think that’s one of the few traits where you can increase your memory in a certain way. Pretty much anyone can do it. I mean, we could do it if we want to.

So for a particular type of memory, and that is learning a list of things, like a long list of items or a number, and the number that I looked at was Pi. Learning a long number or list like this, there are techniques that anyone can learn and you just to apply yourself and learn it.

One guy I spoke to use this technique, it’s called memory palace technique, and he learned Pi till 100,000 digits. It took him something like 9 hours to recite them all. The method is that you create a story, you create a really memorable narrative and then you learn the story, and each word in the story corresponds to a number. In his case, the number of Pi.

The way to remember the number if you tell yourself a story and you convert back the words into the numbers and then that’s how you remember it. So that is a specific form of extraordinary memory, and this guy, he’s in the Guinness Book of World Records for memorizing the longest amount of Pi. But does it help you in day-to-day life, remembering if you got a French lesson you’ve got revise, or you’ve some physics exam and you’ve got to learn a whole lot of stuff. It doesn’t actually help.

So that just helps train a particular kind of memory. So that’s interesting. There’re other kinds of memory, but it’s hard to know how to kind of proactively train your mind so that you would suddenly have a greater memory for just anything you encounter.

[00:17:24] MB: Did you come across any strategies other than using visual, spatial memory and memory palaces and those kinds of things that you could use to train your working memory or things like that?

[00:17:34] RH: I can’t remember any offhand. I think there might be one or two things that I’ve mentioned in the book, but the most reliable way of doing it is the memory palace, and you can kind of adapt it to your everyday life to a certain extent. But I think that some people say, “I’ve got a lousy memory.” There are a few things you can do to try and help that.

But, I mean, memory is something that’s quite closely linked to IQ. So there’s not so much you can do to boost your sort of working memory capacity. You can do a little bit of tweaking around and playing with tricks, like memory palace, but overall it’s probably – You’re probably stopped with what you got at the moment.

[00:18:15] MB: Tell me a little bit about what you discovered around focus and the story of Ellen MacArthur.

[00:18:21] RH: Yeah. Ellen MacArthur is a yacht’s woman, and I think it’s about 10 years ago or so she won the world record for sailing around the world single handed, and she did it in the fastest time. Well, obviously she won the world record.

But what’s interesting about her was she did it because she’d have a goal. She was able to do this because she’d had a goal and she’d focus on that goal, and not just during the sailing itself. I mean, it was so intense that she said she had to sleep with the ropes of the yacht in her hand in case the wind blew up and she had to suddenly wake up and steer the boat, because otherwise it would capsize and she’d die, because she was on her own in the middle of the ocean.

So you can imagine, I think it was like nearly three months it took her and she was on her own the entire time, just getting small amounts of sleep all that time. You need incredible focus in the moment as you’re doing it. But one of the reasons I think she succeeded is that she’d had a long-term focus as well. So what happened was when she was four-years-old, she went on a boat trip with her auntie and she came home afterwards and she said to her mother and father, “Hey, I went on a boat today. I had the most amazing time. I want to sail around the world when I’m older,” and her mom and dad said, “Yeah, okay. Right. Now run along.”

But from when she was four, she decided that’s what she’s going to do, and she focused on that and then she started kind of organizing her life so that she could achieve this goal of sailing around the world. So she saved all her pocket money, she did jobs and she didn’t spend any money so that she could just save as much as she could until she had enough money to buy her own tiny little boat so she could learn to sail.

Piece by piece she did enough to reach her goal, and when she did it, when she got there to be actually racing around the world on her own, because she was doing something she worked her entire life to do. That got her through those sleepless nights night after night and the loneliness and the hard work, and having that focus, that laser focus on a goal was critically important for her. So I think that’s something that we can really all learn a lot from.

Now, we may not all be lucky enough to just understand what our goal is and to desire something as strongly as she did and certainly not from the age of four, right? I mean, it’s extraordinary that she understood something so clearly at the age of four. I mean, it takes most of us yeas before we understand we want something or we understand a goal. But we can still construct goals for ourselves and we might not want them with as much passion and drive as she did, but then generally they’re probably not going to be as challenging as sailing around the world on your own.

So the take-home message is if you can construct yourself a goal and do things to get towards that even in an incremental way. That’s going to be hugely important. It gives you something to focus on, and focus is really important for all these different levels. So the day-to-day focus and long-term goal focus.

[00:21:29] MB: What was some of the science that you uncovered around how to create more focus?

[00:21:34] RH: Sure. Well, I spoke to a neuroscientist who’s also a lifelong meditation kind of guru guy, and he told me a lot about how the brain changes after meditation, and not just after like one session of it, but after like extensive meditation. Various areas of the brain change and they all tend to be related to making the brain work more efficient, and this has also been tested a lot of times. You mentioned meta-analysis – He published a big meta-analysis of studies of meditation and brain studies and they basically found that your brain gets a boost after meditation. If meditation becomes a habit, your brain structures change subtly and the brain becomes more efficient. Your cognitive ability improves. So the brain works better. It works more efficiently. You do things with less stress, with less prevarication, and there’s a lot to be said from putting like a daily meditative practice into your life.

Many people talk about this now, and there is a lot of – So we may a little while ago thought, “Oh, that’s for hippies, going off and meditating,” but there’s a lot to be said about it just from a hard science point of view. It may be easy to make jokes about it, but it really focuses the mind. It changes the brain structure and it has great benefits and a lot of people swear by it.

[00:23:03] MB: It’s funny, probably the single most recommended strategy across our entire podcast is meditation.

[00:23:09] RH: Oh, really. Yeah. I can really understand it. I think there’s a huge amount to be said for it, and it doesn’t have to be onerous. It doesn’t have to be hard work. It can be something that you can introduce into your day very easily, and I think anyone will see benefits from it.

What’s interesting is – So this guy I spoke to, the neuroscientist, he first noticed it because he was a long distance runner when he was in high school and he noticed that his meditative practice as a school boy helps his running. At first, I didn’t really imagine meditation helping in a physical side of thing like that, but it does.

So I think it can help creatively and it can help in your work, in your day-to-day work, but it can also have a physical effect as well. It helps you get into flow, this kind of mysterious but very cool way of working where your brain is just really efficiently getting into the swing of things. Yeah, I’m really not surprised that you hear about this a lot in your show.

[00:24:08] MB: Another topic you wrote about that I found fascinating and I feel like come up frequently in the performance and self-improvement literature was bravery. I love to hear what you uncovered.

[00:24:18] RH: Yeah. Well, I guess when I went into that I just thought, “Okay.” I mean, the books is called Superhuman, and I wanted to look at people who’ve done extraordinary things on a whole range of different traits and abilities.

So bravery seem to me like, “Well, that’s a real superhero trait, bravery. Let’s look at it and let’s look at what science of bravery is,” and I very quickly realized, which anyone would if you start thinking about it for more than a minute,” that bravery comes in lots of different forms. So there’s the kind of bravery where you might see someone drowning and you don’t know who they are, but hey, if someone’s drowning – And sometimes people will just rush out into the ocean and risk their lives and save someone. That’s a particular kind of bravery.

Then there’s a bravery where you might do things – You might run back into your house to rescue your family, a burning house, to rescue your own family. That’s still brave, but it’s family. You can understand in another way why you might do that. There’s a kind of maternal bravery. Then this bravery in the face of something that’s kind of a constant threat that you know you’re going to have kind of grip your teeth and do something.

So there’re all these different kinds of bravery, and there’s also different things going on in the brain. There’re things going in the amygdala, which is the part of the brain where fear is processed. So I looked at a few examples. I spoke to people who have been exceptionally brave and try to understand like where did this come from, how did you manage to do brave in what you did? I spoke to scientists about what is bravery and can we perhaps increase it in ourselves?

So it all really depends on the kind of bravery we’re talking about. I think one other way – Another interesting thing about is that its opposite is fear, and extraordinary fear can often lead to extraordinary stress and sometimes posttraumatic stress disorder, which is a growing problem. So to understand how bravery works and how fear work is going to help treat some problems when we have – When it goes wrong, when we get this terrible stress response. Yeah, in a nutshell there’re lots of different kinds of bravery and there’s a lot going on in the brain underneath it all.

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[00:27:56] MB: I want to dig into some of the lessons and ideas that you shared around PTSD, because I thought that was a really fascinating discussion in the book. But before we do, I want to come back to this idea of what did you discover that some scientists say around how we can increase bravery in ourselves?

[00:28:11] RH: Well, one way is to try and rationalize it out. So you can try and think statistically how a thing you’re facing is unlikely and it’s a kind of irrational thing you’ve been trying and kind of talk your way through it in that way, or it’s to try and dilute the thing, or kind of in a way dilute, increase the bravery by kind of sucking it up from other people.

So this is what the military do. They create small groups of people who work together to support each other. So you’ve heard the phrase band of brothers. What the military does is create small bands of brothers that kind of tricks the brain into literally thinking that the people that you’re with are your kin so that you’re willing to do more for them than you would do for a total stranger, because you feel so close to them.

So we talk about that in the lot in the military. Well, the military uses this, but it’s also quite interesting to think for the rest of us who work in teams. Almost all of us work in an office. We work with a group of people. We band together and we’re not going to be asked to go to war or do anything incredibly schedule. So it’s interesting to think about the group dynamic the way the military does and to think about it binds us together and we can work together in a more profitable way together by understanding that.

[00:29:34] MB: One of the interesting military examples that you shared in that chapter was the Navy SEALs and how they drown-proof people. Tell me about that.

[00:29:42] RH: Oh my goodness! Yeah, that’s really extraordinary. The drown-proofing, so they tie your legs together and your arms together and you have to swim like 100 meters. Obviously, you can imagine – I’ve actually tried to do this. I haven’t tied myself together, but since learning about this, I’ve been in pool – And try it next time, like cross your legs and like hold your hands behind your back and then just try and swim and you have to kind of just buckle your body and try and swim. It’s incredibly hard. To do 100 meters, you can imagine how difficult it would be, but that’s what Navy SEALs have to do.

The reason is, is you can imagine there can be situations where you may be captured and tied up, get a chance to escape or you’re chucked overboard or something. There may be situations where you have to try and swim, but your arms and legs are tied. If you have the experience of doing this in training, then you will be slightly less scared when it happens for real. This is why the military put personal through this kind of training, and that’s really extreme, but this kind of principle happens in training all over the place.

If you look at airlines, the cabin crew undergo a lot of training, emergency training in case the aircraft goes down or there’s fire or something. So on the very rare occasions where those happen, that those things happen, we often hear reports that all the passengers are screaming and panicking. The cabin crew just very calmly click into action. They know what to do. They guide people out. They follow the protocol, and that’s because they’ve trained over and over again and they’re able just to follow their training. You often hear people say the training kicked in. You hear this in many different professions. When a disaster happens, when someone’s really brave, they get interviewed on TV and you often hear the phrase, “Yeah, the training kicked in,” and that’s not to sort of denigrate their bravery. They were brave. But the reason they were able to show this kind of bravery and to perform these actions is because they’ve trained it, and so their brains already have somewhere to go and they know what to do kind of unconsciously and they can click into this pathway and get the job done.

Whereas the rest of us, if we’re thrown into a river with our arms and legs tied, we’re going to drown, or if we’re in some unexpected situation we haven’t trained for, we’re going to just freeze and not going to know what to do. But this is why training is critically important in kind of facilitating bravery in those situation.

[00:32:12] MB: And this gets at and many ways comes back to touching on PTSD as well, but something really important and under-appreciated in today’s world, which underscores many of these ideas is the importance of exposure therapy. Tell me a little bit more about that.

[00:32:26] RH: Yeah. I mean, I guess that’s the similar sort of thing. It’s like getting people experience of a thing that’s frightening and just gradually training them and getting them used to it and overcoming the fear. As you say, this is something that’s used in PTSD. So I think the typical one – I think some veterans say they can’t drive a car anymore, because the noise of a car door closing reminds them of a gunshot or something. The way this is treated is by using exposure therapy very gradually, like they may be just shown images of cars, and that’s it for one session, and you may go to a parking lot, you see cars, and that’s it and you just gradually build up and you expose the person to it just a bit more each time and you build up the kind of reservoir, a protective reservoir that helps him get over the fear to whatever it is. Yeah, that is one way that PTSD is treated and one way that you can store up a protected element to bravery.

[00:33:32] MB: When you study world-class performance, you often come across this idea, that exposure therapy or discomfort as a tool to overcome fear in tough situations, and yet I feel like so many people’s response to negative stimulus is often to try and hide or minimize it or move away from it.

[00:33:49] RH: Sure. I mean, that is our immediate response will be to move away from it. I did read about one – I talk about it in the book, but there’s one extraordinary study that some neuroscientist did, and they got people who are scared of snakes. The normal response would be like move the hell away from that snake. All they did was put them in an MRI brain scanner and have next to the brain scanner a conveyor belt with a life snake on it, and inside the brain scanner, the people were able to move a little lever that would move the conveyor belt back or forth and they were told, “Right. Now, try and bring the snake closer towards your head.”

So the ones who made the decision basically to be brave and to move the snake closer towards them, you could look at what’s going on with the brain and find out what’s happening and they’re like, “That’s how they defined what courage was,” because they were working in a way that opposed what they naturally were inclined to do. They’re naturally inclined to move the snake away, but they worked in a way to oppose that and brought the snake closer. By doing that, you can find out, “What’s happening in the brain when you actively show bravery?” Basically, they found a couple of bits in the brain that were more active during that time. So we can start to understand what’s happening when you actively show bravery. What’s happening in the brain? That might give us a way of then tapping into that in the future and kind of being able to maybe induce bravery.

[00:35:17] MB: We’re jumping around a little bit, but this is another topic that I found so fascinating and something that’s been of interest to me for a long time. Tell me about the work that you uncovered around the power of lucid dreaming.

[00:35:29] RH: Yeah. This is really extraordinary. As you know, lucid dreaming is when you are asleep and you’re dreaming, but you become aware that you’re dreaming and that you’re asleep but you don’t wake up. I don’t know, many people have had some kind of experience of this. It might then happen that you fall back into deeper sleep or you wake up, but some people are able to then control that period of the sleep cycle where they’re asleep and dreaming but are in control. Then they can control it so well that you can start to use it. People can – You can exploit this.

So there’s some extraordinary studies done by people that go into lucid dreams, because what you can do is you go to sleep, you’re being watched through remote cameras by the scientists in an outside room. They’re watching in on you. When you go into a lucid dream, you’ve prearranged with the scientist that you’re going to move your eyes in a certain pattern underneath your eyelids but whilst you’re sleep, and that will signal to them that, “Okay, I’m in a lucid dream now,” and then you can do something.

For example, the scientist have played like tones of music that correspond to mathematical sums. So you might say like, “Give them 5 + 3 by playing notes of music,” then this person asleep has to make the calculation in their dream and signal back by moving their eyes what the answer is. So that’s quite a mundane or weird thing to do when you’re asleep and it just shows that you are able to communicate with the waking world from the sleeping world.

Then they started doing some more ambitious things. So one scientist I spoke to got a load of lucid dreamers in the lab, I taught them this game of darts. It wasn’t a typical game of darts. There’s a particular game, they have to throw the dart at the board in a certain way, and everyone practiced it in the evening before they went to bed. They all went to bed in the sleep lab and some of them were able to go into lucid dreams, and when they were in the dream, when they were in the lucid dream, they dreamt into existence a dartboard and the darts and they started throwing the darts and practicing a game that they had learned just a few hours before when they were awake.

The next day when they all woke up, they were all tested again in the waking world and the ones who’d been able to practice overnight in their dreams had highest scores than the ones who just had regular night sleep. So the idea that you can practice in your dream is starting to hold. As I looked into this more, I found some stories from snowboarders and performance divers who’ve been trying to do a new trick. It may be on a snowboard jump and they’re trying a trick. It’s something they can’t do in the real-world. But when they go into a lucid dream, what they say is they slowed time down so they’re able to make the turn, make the spin, pull off the trick and land, and they practiced it like that in their dreams, because it’s danger-free. They can happily practice it, and then in real-time, they can go on the slopes and do the jump for real and it gives them more confidence.

Other people I’ve spoken to practiced languages that they’re learning in their dream and they don’t have any of this social fear about sounding stupid, because you can’t remember the right word or you can’t get the accent right. The idea that you can kind of use your dreams or use your lucid dreams in this way is amazing.

[00:38:48] MB: So how could we begin to tap into that and train ourselves or start to lucid dream?

[00:38:53] RH: Well, yeah, for the rest of us who don’t naturally lucid dream, there are quite a few ways of inducing lucidity in the rest of us. So there are ways of doing it just by practice, and there’re also things you can buy now, like little headsets that will detect when you’re in REM sleep, so when you’re in regular dream sleep, and there’re ways that these little headsets you wear will sort of play flashlights through your eyelids, but just gently, and it’s a way of bringing on lucidity. So it won’t be enough to wake you up, but it will just be enough to bring you into lucidity.

[00:39:26] MB: I want to come back and look at the broader context of the various things that we’ve talked about. When you think about the genetic component of whether it’s intelligence, or focus, or any of these abilities, how do you contextualize that within an understanding of performance and achievement in our own lives, and for each of the listeners, for someone who’s not born with a top 1% of ability that can help them become a world champion, whether it’s a chess player or a singer or whatever it might be, how do you recommend or think about they view practice and performance and achievement?

[00:40:01] RH: I think one thing that I’ve really taken from this is that think about – We touched on this when we were talking about focus, is think about why you’re doing what you’re doing and do you have a goal? What is that goal? What are the reasons that you’re setting that goal?

Many of the people I’ve spoken to who are the top of their game for whatever trait it is, one thing they all have in common is a deep love of the thing they did. The rest of us, like that just translates into, “Are we doing this for the right reasons? Are we trying to be – If we’re trying to improve ourselves in some way, is it something we really love doing?”

I found one amazing study in athletics, and the scientists there had looked at a whole group of athletes who’d gone to the Olympics. So any athlete who gets to the Olympic games is already world-class athlete. But what the scientists did then was separate them out, the ones who’d just nearly qualified for the Olympics and those who’d won medals at the Olympics. If you then look at work and practice pattern of these two groups of people are, it turns out that the ones who achieved medals had specialized in their sport at a later stage than the ones who had just nearly managed to get to the Olympics.

Not only that, but they’ve done many other different kinds of sport when they were kids and when they’re growing up and perhaps still now. In other words, they kind of cross-trained, they did different things and they found – They specialized later, and that’s because they found the thing that they were – Not only best at physically, but more suited to mentally. So it meant that you they able to find the thing they were best at in multiple ways by doing different things, you stay stronger and this kind of cross-training benefits kind of moved across and help you in this sport that you’ve ended up doing. So that was at the Olympics, but the same thing actually applies in other fields as well.

So this kind of cross-training, non-specializing, don’t specialize too early, that kind of mantra applies I think to even non-athletes as well. One way I talk about it is think of it like the Goldilocks principle. Try different things until you find the one that’s just suits you perfectly well.

[00:42:18] MB: So for listeners who want to concretely implement some of the ideas we’ve talked about today, what would be an action item or a piece of homework that you would give them to execute on some of these ideas?

[00:42:29] RH: I think you certainly need to practice whatever you’ve decided to – You want to improve yourself in. I would make sure you’re practicing in a correct way, in a directed way that’s going to improve yourself. If you possibly can check the science behind what you’re doing. I mean, there’s a lot of hocus-pocus out there. There’s a lot of soft of advice given may well sound encouraging and beneficial, but I would always try to check out what’s the science underlying what you’re doing to make sure that you’re going to do something that’s going to be really beneficial.

[00:43:03] MB: For listeners who want to find you and your work online, what’s the best place for them to do that?

[00:43:08] RH: I guess on Twitter. I’m always there, @rohoop on Twitter. All the stuff we talked about is in the book. There’s a huge amount in there. That’s the first starting point, and then see what I’m doing on Twitter.

[00:43:18] MB: Well, Rowan, thank you so much for coming on the show, for sharing all these knowledge and wisdom. You took an incredible journey across a number of different fields of human performance and some really interesting insights.

[00:43:28] RH: Thanks, Matt. Great to chat with you.

[00:43:29] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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February 21, 2019 /Lace Gilger
High Performance
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Inside the Mind of a Psychopathic Killer with James Fallon

February 14, 2019 by Lace Gilger in Emotional Intelligence

What happens when a prominent neuroscientist finds out there is something wrong with his own brain? In this episode we explore the shocking discovery that our guest made when he realized, after years of studying the brains of psychopaths, that he had the exact same brain structure. We unwind the twisted narrative and the wild conclusions that come from his riveting discovery - and much more - with our guest Dr. James Fallon. 

Dr. James Fallon is a Professor of Psychiatry and Human Behavior at UC Irvine and internationally renowned neurobiologist. He is the author of the best-seller The Psychopath Inside: A Neuroscientist’s Personal Journey into the Dark Side of The Brain. Fallon has lectured worldwide on neurolaw and the brains of psychopathic killers and dictators. His work has been featured on NPR, CBS, ABC, and numerous science specials.

  • A neuroscientist studying the brains and brain scans of murderers and psychopathic killers discovers something truly shocking

  • Studying and analyzing the brains of killers - Dr. Fallon found a surprising pattern of what the brain of a psychopath looks like

  • From studying the genes of Alzheimers patients - Dr. Fallon started uncovering the genetic links to brain structures of psychopaths and sociopaths 

  • Adult Stem Cells in your brain can be activated to reverse serious brain conditions 

  • Real life Criminal Minds - inside the brain of serial killers and psychopaths 

  • What it’s like to discover that you’re a psychopath 

  • What are epigenetics? Why don’t all genes express themselves? 

  • What’s the “junk DNA” in your cells and what does it do?

  • One of the major things that triggers the expression of certain genes is stress and abuse, especially at a young age (between birth and 3 years old) 

  • Most serial killers were not only psychopaths, but also typically had serious damage to their brains as well 

  • Smart psychopaths are very hard to catch and very hard to spot

  • For an everyday person, how do you determine that someone is a psychopath or has psychopathic tendencies?

  • What are the typical signs of psychopathy / narcissistic personality disorder?

  • The use a lot of personal pronouns, more than an average person talking

    1. Their hands often move up higher and higher above their heads

    2. They will talk very graphically about their own sex life, or their own body, etc 

    3. They are very glib, they are very slick verbally, and know what to say 

    4. They often seem very intelligent 

    5. They are often over confident

    6. They are often very competent and aggressive

    7. They might seem too interested or care too much about you and your emotions

    8. Their conversations always seem like a performance 

  • Some of the most dangerous aspects of psychopathy are pro-social psychopaths who know how to navigate society 

  • Many of the pro-social traits of psychopaths are often overlapping with the major pro-social traits of psychopathy 

  • Psychopaths are always looking for what bothers you emotionally, and then they want to use it against you to manipulate you 

  • What’s the best way to defend yourself from a psychopath manipulating you?

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Want To Dig In More?! - Here’s The Show Notes, Links, & Research

General

James’s UC Faculty Profile

Media

  • [Podcast] Mental Health News Radio - “An Empath Interviews a Psychopath: Dr. James “Jim” Fallon”

  • [Podcast] Hidden Truth Show with Jim Breslo - “VEGAS: "Psychopath Inside" Author Dr. James Fallon on Mind of the Killer; FBI Agent Chris Quick on Status of Investigation”

  • [Podcast] The Moth - Stories by James Fallon

  • [Podcast] NPR - “A Neuroscientist Uncovers A Dark Secret”

  • [Podcast] Jordan Harbinger - 28: James Fallon | How to Spot a Psychopath

  • [Podcast] Snap Judgment - “The Scientist And The Psychopath”

  • [Article] VICE - “Dr. James Fallon Makes Being a Psychopath Look Like Fun”  by Roc Morin

  • [Article] The Guardian - “How I discovered I have the brain of a psychopath” by James Fallon

  • [Article] UCI Dept. of Psychiatry - “Neuroscientist's research delves into the brain's dark side” Kathryn Bold

Videos

  • TED Talk: Exploring the mind of a killer | Jim Fallon

  • Zeitgeist Minds - James Fallon, Neuroscientist - A Scientist's Journey Through Psychopathy

  • Big Think - Discovering One's Hidden Psychopathy. James Fallon

  • The Mind Science Foundation - James Fallon, PhD: The Psychopath Inside

  • Clip from The Brain of a Murderer - Are You Good Or Evil? - Horizon - BBC

  • TheLipTV - Inside the Brain of a Real Psychopath with Dr. James Fallon

  • Clip from The Doctors - The Shocking Results of Studying Serial Killers’ Brains

  • Australia TV - Insight: S2014 Ep16 What Makes a Psychopath

  • Michael Cross - Dr. James Fallon Discusses the Traits of Pro-Social (good) Psychopaths

Books

  • The Psychopath Inside: A Neuroscientist's Personal Journey into the Dark Side of the Brain by James Fallon

  • Virga Tears  by James Fallon

Misc.

  • [Test] Levenson Self-Report Psychopathy Scale, a test of sociopathy

Episode Transcript

[0:02:57.0] MB: Today, we have another exciting guest on the show, Dr. James Fallon. Jim is a professor of psychiatry and human behavior at UC Irvine, an internationally-renowned neurobiologist. He's the author of the bestseller, The Psychopath Inside: A Neuroscientist’s Personal Journey Into the Dark Side of the Brain. He's lectured worldwide on neural law and the brains of psychopathic killers and dictators. His work has been featured in NPR, CBS, ABC and numerous science specials. Jim, welcome to the Science of Success.

[0:03:30.1] JF: Matt, very good to be here. Thanks for the invite, Matt.

[0:03:32.9] MB: Well, we're excited to have you on the show. There's so many interesting things to touch on and discuss. I'd love to open it up with your personal story and your own personal journey; it's so fascinating and I think really lays the groundwork for getting into some of the meat of the lessons you've learned and the work you've done with your research.

[0:03:51.7] JF: Sure. I've always been a hobbit scientist, like a small lab. I pretty much knew I was going to be a scientist when I was seven or eight-years-old. I really did. I met the girl and dated, had a first date with a girl who I ended up – I still live with her. She was 11 and I was 11-years-old and we went to a dance together. I've been set in my life from very early on.

It's been a quite a modest life, I think. I've been a professor ever since I can remember. I went to Saint Michael's College for my BS, Biology and Chemistry. Then I went to Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute and got a degree in psychophysics and psychology, and then to the University of Illinois Medical School for my doctorate. Then out here in to California, UC San Diego in La Jolla for my postdoc, and then started out as a professor in 1975, and I've been here ever since. I'm like a potted plant here.

I've had I think a successful career and a successful happy life and a big family and we have a great time. There's nothing remarkable there at all, except just a regular guy that did okay. Everything went smoothly. Until about well, right around 2005-2006 and then Gandalf showed up at my door.

[0:05:10.6] MB: Tell me more about that.

[0:05:12.2] JF: Well, I had been looking at the brain scans of serial killers, mostly psychopathic murderers, but also impulsive murders since about 1989. I was doing it for X students who are now in psychiatry and radiology. They asked me to look at these PET scans, positron emission, tomography brain scans of guys who were murderers. Now we're in the penalty phase of their trials, so they wanted – they all basically wanted to find – have somebody say, “Hey, the devil made me do it.” There was something organically wrong with their brain and therefore, they shouldn't undergo the death penalty at that time.

I did those every year, one or two a year, and I didn't even notice it was just such a peripheral thing in my research. I read a lot of scans, thousands of scans for all sorts of people with all sorts of diseases, including psychopathy. I did that until around 2005, then I got a whole load of these scans to look at from different research, different psychiatrists and lawyers, attorneys. I told them, “Just send me a bunch of them. Don't tell me who is what. Anybody's a murderer and mix it in with normal people and people with schizophrenia, etc.”

I got these whole pile of about 70 of them to look at. At the end of that analysis, it was 1975, I found that there was a pattern. Nobody had ever really described a pattern before, so I started giving talks and wrote a paper about it in 2001, 5 or 6, at law school about the pattern of what a psychopathic brain looks like.

That was a new thing and it was interesting, because I read patterns. That's what my work is about. At the same time and it's purely coincidentally, we were doing clinical study on the genetics of Alzheimer's disease. We were doing PET scans and EEGs and genetics of people with Alzheimer's, looking for what gene had not been discovered that was interacting with the APOE gene, which was known to be a risk factor.

In the course of that, we were finished with the study, but we needed more normals. We had all the patients we needed. We needed them quickly, so I got my family. This was my first mistake. I got my family, including myself to get the PET scans done and do the genetics and the psychometrics for this Alzheimer study.

Everybody come in that and some flew in from New York and other places and we did the study. At the end of that, I was sitting at my desk looking at – I had all those pile of scans from all these murders, and the technicians came in and said, “We have the PET scans from your family.” I quickly looked at them. I know, I've seen so many that I know if there's something jumps out as a pattern that is abnormal. I went through this pile about eight or nine scans and they all look normals. It was great, because my wife was worried, because her whole family – many of them had died of Alzheimer's. She went along with it all. She said she was quite brave about it. She said, “Okay, I'll do it because it may help our kids and grandkids.”

Any rate, I was looking through and everything was normal, so you're really quite happy about that. Then I got to the last scan and the last scan, I pulled it out and I said – I called in the technicians. I said, “Guys, that's really funny. You took one of those psychopathic murderers and you slipped it into my family scans and haha.” Because you screw around, even in labs, right? Keep it screwing around. You're supposed to tell the joke.

Any rate, they go, “No. No, no. That's one of your family.” I said, “Whoever this is should not be walking around in open society. It's a very dangerous person, probably,” because it looked just like the psychopathic pattern I had seen in these murderers too and other psychopaths. they said, “No, it's really your family.”

I had to break the code by peeling back the cover on the name and then the name was mine. I sat there and just stared at it and got a good chuckle. They were laughing too. I said, “This is good.” I said, “Yeah, this is the joke, right? You got a scientist studying psychopathic killers, he gets a brain scan done and it's him.” Gandalf shows up at the door and it's him.

I mean, I saw that and I just laughed, because I know who I am, right? I'm a pretty regular guy. I still have my teams described, for Christ's sake.

I didn't say anything, except years later and I remembered this a couple years after that, I brought the – I went home that week after I was looking at the scans and I told my wife and I said, “You know, the damnedest thing happened. I got the scans of our family and everybody's including yours is quite normal, which is great.” I said, “But mine look just like the worst psychopath pure pattern I had seen.” She said something that was really odd. She goes, “It doesn't surprise me.”

Now, I know when she screws around, she's messing with me, but she wasn't. She was quite serious. I just let it go and figured what I think any scientist would. Since I'm okay, my theory must be wrong. Well, it turns out my theory is not wrong. This is one case where I wish it was. We were so busy and I had just started – I had raised about seven million dollars for a stem cell company, as we had found that adult stem cells in a animal’s brain or a person's brain are there and can be activated in adulthood. This was not embryonic stem cells; these were the person's own adults stem cells.

I was so busy finishing up the patents and raising money for that. I really didn't care about these scans, about my psychopathic scan. People have a hard time believing, but I really did and I figured, “Well, something's wrong with the scans.” I was just too busy and we were writing up other patents for schizophrenia and Alzheimer's and writing papers. We're very busy at the time with this other important, morally more important work. This tertiary stuff about the psychopathic brain and these killers was really just as really a side tertiary issue.

At any rate, a while later, I got the genetics back and the genetics showed the same thing, that is my family was an average of all the high and low level alleles forms of these genes, like warrior genes. For each complex adaptive behavior, there's about 15 or more genes that regulate it. The chances are, it's like a casino that if you roll the dice of these 15 or 20 genes, the chances are you’re going to get an average number of high-level and low-level acting genes, so you may get some high violence-related genes and low, but most people are in the middle, that's what we call normal.

Some people get none of them and they're very passive people. In the case of mine, I got all of them. I got all these forms of these highly aggressive genes that are called warrior genes and also all the genes associated with low emotional empathy, high cognitive empathy and low emotional empathy and low anxiety. I had these things that are associated with psychopathy. The brain pattern look just like it.

Both mental biological markers, the main biological markers of antisocial personality disorder that is psychopathy, but I was like a regular guy, so it didn't make sense. After this, I was asked to give a TED talk. That was a couple of years after. I the TED talk they said, “Tell us about something that's interesting.” I was going to give them the story of starting a stem cell company, in an area of science that wasn't popular, that is endogenous stem cells. Everybody wanted engineering. Everybody likes to engineer stuff, for cells, embryonic stem cells into becoming brain cells, which is great, but that's not what we were doing.

It sound like, I got the story about how hard it is to buck the system in science and they said, “Do you have anything more personal?” This is my second mistake was that I said, “Well, actually there's this other screwball thing, but I don't know if anybody be interested in it.” I told them the story about the brain scans and me and all this stuff of my family. They go, “That's it.” I said, “Oh, boy.” I ended up giving that TED talk. Then there was a lot of interest in it.

I don't know anything about marketing, but I do know that over – if you have some video with the keywords are psychopathic killer, you'll get 30,000 hits in about an hour. That's what General Electric and the TED people put as keywords. My colleagues were calling me and saying, “You just got 30 and the 40, 50,000 hits,” so quickly got up to a million hits on my TED talk. I guess, I think it was more about the keywords of the views. We have good marketers.

At any rate, I started to get lots of calls from people. I got a call from the showrunner for Criminal Minds that is Simon Mirren. He and another guy were the head showrunners, writers, executive producers of the Criminal Minds. He says, “I know what you're talking about.” He said, “You're not talking about yourself. You're talking about the effect of long-term violence in neighborhoods and in countries.” I said, “Absolutely right.” He got it. I couldn't believe it.

He said, “You got to come up and act in it.” I acted in the 100th – I think it's a 99th episode of Criminal Minds called Outfoxed. He put me in there to just blab away. I'm not an actor, but he goes, “No, no. You'll be fine. Just say your stuff.” We become good friends since then. I worked with him and we try to put shows together, etc. That was an outcome of that.

Then I got approached by three literary agents from New York. I chose one that was the one that had just done Obama's book. Actually, the head editor was smarting a little bit, because that was the book where it said that Obama was born in Kenya. She was very careful about vetting my – in doing research on my book. When I was writing the book that was living in this little 500-year-old chateau. It wasn't a chateau, it was like a block house up in the Alps in the northern Italy that my friend was a psychiatrist, his family has owned forever.

I wrote it there the year afterwards. It wasn't until 2010, I was asked to give a talk, a public talk at the university with the ex-Prime Minister of Norway. I was at the University of Oslo and I gave a public talk with the prime minister. He had just come out and he had admitted that – admitted; he told the country that he as prime minister was just diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Now for a European, especially in northern European, especially a northern European politician to admit that he had some psychiatric disorder, that took a lot of balls. I was quite impressed with that, and so I flew over and gave the talk with him. He gave his personal story and I gave the story of how we diagnose people and how we find out – basically, how we find out what the genes are and what the brain patterns are with all different disorders, including bipolar and depression, also schizophrenia.

I had to use somebody's data to show how we did it. I had to use mine. Ethically, I could only use mine. I showed all my data and all of my behaviors throughout my life. At the end of the talk, a guy stood up and he was the head of the department of psychiatry at the University of Oslo. He goes, “Well, thanks for that talk. That was good.” He says, “I got two things to say. First of all, you're a bipolar yourself. You don't know it. You're just up all the time.”

Matt, you can see how I'm talking here. I'm trying to slow it down, but if the more I talk, I'll become very fast. It's not just because I'm from New York. It's just I'm hypomanic and that's part of the definition of bipolar. The thing is I just don't get down at all, which you don't have to be down in order to have bipolar. I never had heard this before. I'd heard that I was hypomanic from clinicians, but not bipolar. That was interesting.

I said, “Okay.” He said, “The second thing, we want to talk to you afterwards.” After my talk, we met up the president at the University of Oslo's house for reception. At it, the head of the department of psychiatry and other psychiatrists and psychologists I was talking to him and having some wine and everything for a few hours. At the end of that discussion they said, “You probably don't realize this, but you're probably right on the border really being a psychopath.” I said, “What the hell are you talking about?” That was the first time I ever took it seriously. That was the end of 2010.

When I went home, I started to ask people individually, like my wife and then my kids and my brothers and sisters and people really close to me and psychiatrists who knew me well. I said, “What do you really think of me?” I said, “Don't be scared or anything like that. Just tell me the truth.” They all told me the same thing, that I do these psychopathic things. I don't seem dangerous, but I still do things that are psychopathic.

Okay. That was a surprise. That led on to the question of if I had all of these traits, biological determinants of psychopathy, why was I just a regular guy? Because I don't even have an arrest. Well, I’ve been arrested, but I was talking to cops out of it. Growing up and we used to get in all sorts of mischief. They could cart my friends away, but I always have – the cops always thought, “Well, he's just in it for the fun,” which was true. I never really got booked at all ever, but as playful as most guys were, if you will.

At any rate, I really didn't quite understand it. While I was writing that book, the two years later 2012-2013 in Italy, two papers came out to show that the genes that were supposed to be warrior genes, that had to do with the metabolism of serotonin, that if you have them in your abuse early in life between birth and about three-years-old, it's real bad news. People who get that usually turn into psychopaths.

This was a case of epigenetics, that is you have genes, but then they're changed, they're turned on forever, as opposed to just in the context of being turned on. You get me mad, I get mad, but I'm not mad all the time, or I'm not revenged all the time. That made sense. What made more sense is that if you were treated well, it had the opposite effect. These warrior genes became resistance, resilience genes that negated the other tendencies to become a psychopath. Well Ii said, “Well, this is it.”

That it really made me reflect on how I was brought up, which was I was brought up in a great family. All my grandparents and my aunts and uncles were wonderful. I’m just crazy about them and looking at all the pictures and the movies and just the memories, there's all this very positive stuff. Especially my mother and her sisters, they were all educated. They're Sicilians and they're educated, because their father, my grandfather came from Sicily and they’re very poor; at 11-years-old that he lived on the streets of New York. He just had to really make his way there. He's completely uneducated, but he made a vow that if he ever had kids, his daughters would all go to college and they did.

Not only they went to college at a time when women didn't go to college much, but they also went on to graduate school, either nursing or my mother went to business school. Very hit people and very – they’re smart, but they're wise too. My mother knew and she admitted this to me a few years ago. She's 102 now, I couldn’t believe it. She admitted a few years back, she goes that she was quite worried about me. Not the other kids, but about me because I was acting strangely when I was going through puberty; very dark person.

One of the things she did without telling me is she told all my teachers to keep me busy. I ended up playing for intercollegiate sports all through high school and college. They’re violent sports – not violent, high contact sports, wrestling and downhill skiing and football and somethings like that. I was always busy with these sports. If I wasn't in the sports, I was in plays being acting, or in the arts, music, playing music.

She kept me busy constantly. I guess it worked, because she goes, “Whenever you got bored, it was trouble.” This came back years later, because a few years ago when I was analyzed by two psychiatrists. They didn't know this, but one of them said, “Well, here's a guy who has got all the thoughts and urges and dreams and everything, augmentations of a full-blown psychopath, but he just never axed them out.”

It was odd. He didn't understand how that happened, because I have apparently what I think about and my drives are quite psychopathic, which you don't know in your own brain. I just thought everybody had this. They said, “Well, you just have a well-developed upper part of your prefrontal cortex that suppresses it at all. You have all these urges and just never play – act them out,” which is true.

My mother knew this, but this drive I had that I had to be kept busy, which I always have. That was the fix I get. I was also raised in this wonderful family, and so whatever genetic proclivity I have, it was never epigenetically triggered, that is marked epigenetically so that these warrior genes are always on, okay. They're not like that. I'm very competitive, like a lot of people are very competitive and all her kids are. My mother is, they're all killers, in the sense of being they can't lose. We're all driven to succeed. Even my granddaughters, everybody is like that. Just the worst family to play Scrabble with, or poker with, because of this drive to always win no matter what. We have that, but we don't have the drive to murder or rape or do anything like that. We’re a pain in the ass to play games with.

[0:22:52.8] MB: It's a truly incredible journey going from being a neuroscientist who's studying the brains of psychopaths to discovering that you may be a borderline psychopath yourself. It's an incredible coincidence.

[0:23:06.2] JF: It's stupid. It's really stupid when you think about it. There it is. I mean, it’s pure serendipity and purely a mistake of how I found out. I'm able to function okay. I married a great woman who's very tolerant of my behaviors and she knows who she is. That was a key. I was like, I was born into the right family and I ended up marrying somebody who's very smart and very tolerant of my craziness, if you will. Not craziness, but I was like a wild guy in a way, okay.

In the sense – I'll give me the sense of wildness, because it was, I don't think it was a big deal, but I'm just one of these guys. I went to Saint Michael's College and one of my classmates contacted me many, many years later. This was maybe about five years ago. We were there from 1965 to 69. A couple of years ago, he contacted me. I hadn't been in contact with him and he goes, “Jim.” He was, “I growing up –” when he was in his 20s he says, “I never dated girls and women and then brought them to a dinner and a movie.” He didn't do that, he says.

One day he did. It was like 1978 or 79, 10 years after we graduated. He is sitting in this movie and he's halfway through the movie and goes, “I went to school with this guy.” He did all of the stuff, exactly the stuff. Of course it turned out to be Animal House. It was talking about Bluto, because all of those things that Bluto did, I did. He thought that this guy – the other writers followed me around. I said, “Look, every school had a couple of those guys.” Everybody knows that guy.

That’s how I was – behavior, even though it was really academic. Obviously, it was pretty academic all the way through my life, but I love to screw around and be a joker and do the stuff that Bluto did, that John Belushi did in Animal House, exactly the same stuff. It's that stuff. It's being slightly naughty, not being a bad guy really.

[0:25:04.2] MB: There's a lot of different things I want to unpack from your story and your journey and your work. Maybe to start out, I'm actually curious to dig in a little bit around this conversation about genes and epigenetics. I'm somewhat familiar with this, but I'd love to explore and maybe explain for the listeners what exactly do you mean when you say epigenetics and why don't genes always express themselves if they're present?

[0:25:30.5] JF: Yeah. Every cell in your body has basically the same coding genes. In about each cell, about 5%, 7% of your genetic material is what people consider to be genetics, like a warrior gene, or stress genes, or control heartrate, etc. The rest of it, so-called junk DNA was years ago was found out and they didn't really – like Barbara McClintock back in the 40s and 50s, they didn't understand what it meant, this junk DNA. Well, the junk DNA turns out to be all these regulators of genes and not the genes themselves.

There's a whole group of these and these regulators of the genes are where most of the action is. They are regulators of the regulators too. They're called transposons, which we study a lot about in schizophrenia in our own lab. There are these regulators of genes and the regulators have different forms. If someone can be long or short – if you have the long form, it's like a gas pedal that's on, like heavy. If you have the light form of the gene, low aggression gene, a warrior gene, that's the low allele form, and a second gas pedal that's not turned on light.

Then the regulators, if you add methyl groups to them, these little methyl groups; carbon with three hydrogens, you can add them to these regulators of the genes and what happens then is that they're on all the time. It's like having your foot on the pedal all the time. You lose the context dependence of behaviors.

If you look at behaviors, for example of psychopaths and narcissists and everything, those behaviors in and of themselves are not considered pathological if they're in the right context. Nothing is wrong with murdering somebody, if somebody is trying to murder you or murder your family, for example. It's not the actual behavior, it's the context of behavior.

Having sex. There's nothing wrong with sex, but you have sex at certain times with certain people, not all the time with everybody. If you have these epigenetic marks, which the marks or the methyl groups basically, then these things are turned on all the time and you lose the context dependence of your behaviors, that's what's pathological. Now that's one explanation of epigenetics.

It's like the notes are all there in the piano, but which ones are being played is the epigenetic part of it, right? You're not always playing all the notes all the time. That's the quick and dirty of it of what epigenetics is.

One of the major epigenetic markers, what does the marking is stress and abuse. What's important for the elaboration of the etiology of personality disorders, especially the pernicious ones, which we call the cluster B personality disorders, the dangerous ones like psychopathy and narcissistic personality disorders that have to do with how you treat other people, your interactions with other people and what makes you a predator or not a predator on other people. Well, those genes can be turned on all the time, but the way they get turned on permanently is if you're abused early.

First of all, you have to have the forms of the genes that are the high acting forms that are related to for example, high violence or low emotional empathy or low anxiety. If you have the genes already, that's not pathological. If you're abused or abandoned early in life between birth and three-years-old, that permanently sets them in a high form. It's like keeping the gas pedal all the time on. It's pretty much permanent. That's what's pathological. You have to have this interaction between early environment. It's not just any environments; early environment and it usually has to do with abuse, with these – the forms of the genes that can be dangerous. Those two together is what makes the magic of these pathological personality disorders.

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[0:30:44.4] MB: You obviously had the benefit of science, the research, actually looking at the brain scans and the genetic analysis. For an everyday person, how do you determine, or notice, or discover if somebody has psychopathic tendencies, or if they are a psychopath?

[0:31:02.5] JF: Yeah. For somebody who is a – not a damaged psychopath, because a lot of people I study, the murderers, they're sloppy and they were hit over the head with pipes and abused drugs, etc. Not only were they psychopaths, but they also had brain damage, right? These guys are usually caught early. Teenagers, they start behaving poorly around, even before they're 12 or 13, some of them they’re five-years-old.

They usually get caught, because they’re sloppy. There are psychopaths that do not have this other brain damage. These guys if they're smart, they're very hard to catch and very hard to sort out, that is to determine who they are.

Now I work with a group and one of the things I do is work with the oppositions in these countries that have dictators; North Korea, Syria, Russia. There's about 12 of them. We work with them, but one of the things they like me to do is to go in and hang out with whoever is coming in as the opposition leader, right? To determine, maybe the guy coming in is worse than the tyrant they have in there now.

That usually involves hanging around the guy, having drinks, getting drunk with them and just talking at a bar for hours, looking for the signs. If you're in a case where you're talking to a really smart guy or gal and they haven't – they're not damaged and they know what the signs are for psychopathy, or NPD, narcissistic personality disorder, they've learned to suppress them.

You can go on for an hour or two and they don't show you anything. Some will go on for days and they won’t show you much of anything. The typical way of looking for the tells of psychopath is – I mean, there's some lightweight things like as they're talking, their hands – when they use their hands talking, they go higher and higher in front of your face, so their hands get very high.

Not like talking to an Italian, where the hands are right below the chin and go, ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom. The hands go up. Also, they use a lot of personal pronouns more than the average person talking; I, me, I, I, me, me. They also talk in a funny way about their own guts. They’ll talk about – have a stomachache. They'll talk about it in a very graphic way, or about their sex life, or about things that are visceral. They get really explicit about it and seem quite happy about it.

Not all of them do that, but that's not a typical, okay? Which is to say it's fairly typical of them if they talk long enough. Also, you start getting a feeling, getting a little bit of a creepy feeling from them if you keyed into this. Now part of the danger of psychopathy are the people who are near psychopaths, that is they have a lot of the pro-social traits. There are pro-social traits. Pro-social doesn't mean you're nice. It means that you have traits that allow you to navigate society without being caught.

Then there are the negative traits, which make you basically an asshole. Nobody likes those. They're really antisocial. They're criminal. Even other criminals don't like them. The positive traits, which are about half of the traits, these are things like being glib and being very slick verbally. I'm always asked of course, “Is Trump a psychopath?” Of course, no psychopaths talk like Trump. Nobody does. The people, the person with the most – I didn't vote for Trump, but the people who they talk like are people who are really smooth, like Bill Clinton is probably got the most positive and negative traits of a psychopath.

I’m not saying he's a psychopath, but he's got it. It's that smooth glib talking guy that a lot of people really love. Obama had it too. There are other presidents and leaders who have it throughout history, which is the very glib. They know they got the rap and people are drawn to that. They think it's a sign of intelligence. Sometimes it is, but people – you can find a street guy who's got the really cool rap, but doesn't mean he's really intelligent, but they know what to say and they talk fast and all that stuff. Those are positive signs, or positive traits, because it allows you to navigate through society.

They're also very confident, a bit too much. They’re very confident. These traits of being very positive and really being narcissistic – You don't have to be a narcissist to be a psychopath, but they usually have this very big wonderful thoughts about themselves. It makes them confident. A lot of people likes somebody who talks well, they're glib, they talk fast and they are also very confident. It turns out that the same traits that are considered pathological, but the positive traits, or pro-social traits of psychopathy are the same ones that people consider to be leadership.

People always wonder, “Why do we get so many leaders of not just politics, but journalism, everywhere? Why do we have these people?” Well, because we like those people. We choose people with those traits, because you like, “I want that guy. I want that gal on my side.” They're really glib and they're aggressive and they always seem to win things. They take chances and they win.

Well, this is leadership, but it's also psychopathy. This confusion allows them to do very well in society, as long as they don't have a lot of negative traits. If they have the negative traits too, then they have enough – they score enough on the psychopathy tests, like the hair test, or the PPI, which is otherwise normal people, the Psychopathic Personality Inventory, that they score high enough, that they have the traits, but not so many that they're clinically diagnosed.

Somebody like me, I have positive traits and not many of the negative traits at all. I can get away with a lot of things. Psychopaths, especially borderline ones with the positive traits, people let them get away with things because they can be very – lot of fun and they seem to be charismatic, which means they walk in the room, they got that light around them, like Clinton, or Obama, or I don’t – maybe some people think that somebody like Trump does too. I don't, but nonetheless, there are these consensus things like this guy, did you see him? I mean, he's got the light around him. Well, that is not only leadership, but it's usually associated with psychopaths too.

That's that makes it hard to find them out. In fact for guys, a lot of women love this stuff, right? Oh, he's really confident, he’s cool and he's got the rap, he's all this stuff and he knows what he's doing and he seems to be a winner. Women are naturally – not every woman, but a lot of women are drawn to that. They also will draw in psychopaths. The psychopaths, what they will tend to do is they'll engage you and they know that – first of all, they're looking for your weaknesses. What's your problem? If they really want even some way, either to take your money, or to have you sexually, or just to own you for a moment, for a couple of hours, because a lot of times it never leads anywhere, but they just like to own people for the moment.

As they're talking, the back of their mind they're saying, “Okay, is this person what? Does this personally hate their father and their mother? They hate authority or they feel suppressed or they’re religious?” They're always digging slightly for any signs and symptoms of what bothers you emotionally. That's what they'll put in their holster and use that against you to manipulate you. That's the game. Since they’re so charming, you don't see it.

Now some people will smell a rat all the time. It's funny, because my wife, she always complains. She goes, “Just my girlfriends. We’re always hit on when we were growing up.” She’s, “Nobody ever hit on me.” I said, “Because you got a sign on this. Your sign is keep off the grass.” She could really sniff out a rat. She didn't sniff out me, because she knows me to be a nice guy otherwise, right? Even though she knows I’m a jerk, and so when I start acting up either at a party or a bar and I got people around me and I'm telling stories, she goes, “You're doing that thing again. You're doing that thing.”

She never really talks about it that much and she never really wanted to do any interviews, because we had had a lot of interviews here from different networks and we had the BBC here twice. Then one of the BBC thinks she finally said something. The only time she's ever said anything in any interviews. She goes like, “I'm married to two guys. One guy is this really, fun, smart guy, kind, great guy to be around, he's got a lot of great friends and he's just a kick. He's interesting and loving and all that.” She said, “I love that guy.” She says, “Then there’s this other guy, this dark character. I do not like at all.”

She has always known me to be that way and accepts it, because my actual behavior is not so bad, you know what I mean? I'm a guy, but I'm not – I'm still within the range of acceptable guyness, I guess. She knows who the asshole is there and she does not like that. I can suppress that. I've learned now that I know that I might have these traits or might be close to being a psychopath, I've tried to overcome it.

I said to myself a few years ago, a couple years ago. I said, “Nobody can beat psychopathy.” I said, “But I can do it.” Because I just tried to use my own narcissism to say, “Nobody can do it, but I can do it. I'm that good at this stuff.” Every interaction with my wife, I started with my wife and for a couple of months and I tried – I thought to myself, “What would a good guy do in this specific circumstance?” A lot of it's just being a good roommate. You pour the wine for the other person first, you pick up after yourself. Regular, like being a good roommate stuff.

Then it was things like going to her aunt's funeral, or my own aunt’s funeral, where I'd find an excuse and I'd be down at some – I'd say, “Well, I’m busy. I got to do this thing.” I’d be down at some beach bar in Newport having a party, while they're at the cemetery. I do those things, which are not considered too nice.

Everywhere in between that, I just kept looking at all my behaviors and I found out a couple of things. First of all, after a month of this, I was completely exhausted every night. Instead of sleeping four hours a night, which I've always slept since I was maybe 17 or 18, instead of sleeping eight hours, I started sleeping four hours a night. Now when I was trying to do this, I started this – I was up five and six and then seven hours, because I was so exhausted from trying to be a nice guy.

After two months, she said to me spontaneously, she goes, “What has come over you?” I say, “What are you talking about?” She just, “Like you're really nice guy all the time.” I had to tell her. I said, “Don't take it seriously. It’s an experiment. I’m trying to see if I can suppress all of my urges to be a jerk and to be a nice guy.” I said, “I've been watching my other friends what they do.” They have kids and grandkids. I noticed that they do things I don't do and they really sacrifice themselves.

I tried to do that and other people noticed that too. I've been trying to fight it, but you got to think about it every day. It’s like an addiction. If you look at anybody who has alcohol addiction, or food addiction, or drugs, or anything, in order to overcome it, the only way to do it is every day you've got to make a conscious decision. It's so exhausting, but it's a lifelong thing. Or else, in the case of one addict, they slip back into it.

That's why most people who do a New Year's resolution, they're back doing the same stuff in the week than people who are chronic sinners. I grew up Catholic, so we went to confession. I’d ask a lot of priests, but also rabbis and ministers. I said, “Do people always have the same sins? Bad sins?” They go, “Yes.” Then the obvious occurred to me is that these what people call sins, which they can be absolved and it's just psychopathy. The same bad shit you do all the time to people.

The good thing about going to a confession or talking to your God is that you're absolved of it. You're forgiven for because that's the way that system is set up. It's easier and more comforting to say that I am a sinner, but I'm going to try better, than to say I'm a psychopath, which is no cure for. It’s being damned, I guess.

I tried to do it by just always thinking. I'm still trying to do it. I'm really succeeding, except I'm sleeping longer and longer and less of academically successful than I was before I found this out, because I didn't sleep much. I was able to work a lot. When people ask me, “What's the secret of your success?” I don't sleep, or when I sleep, I get a full night's sleep and get on my REM sleep in, and so it takes me two seconds of low sleep. I get all the sleep, but it's also correlates I think with my ability to produce and be successful.

You have these different things that people consider faults, but a lot of times they're your strengths too. I'm sure you've heard this many times and I think it's quite true. All those things that are the bane of your life, different conditions that you might have, things – bad things that have happened. Well for me, I welcome these so-called bad things, because – and the failures, they're built into how you improve yourself. If you accept those things, it becomes very easy to fail and it becomes very easy to take those negative things in your life and I make it better. I do that and I did it with this too. I'm still trying to be a nice guy.

[0:44:37.5] MB: How do you, or how does someone listening defend themselves against being manipulated by a psychopath?

[0:44:46.0] JF: If you engage a psychopath and usually, probably your listeners are successful, smart guys and gals that and they're going to run into psychopaths or partial psychopaths, or pro-socials that are pretty smart too. If you engage them and think you're going to beat them, forget it, because that's their whole game. A lot of psychopaths will groom people for weeks and months and even years. They'll have a number of people they’re trying to get to for different reasons. Women to get at, men to get at, violence to pull over on you, or money to steal from you, or just to manipulate you.

They'll have multiple people going at one time and they'll be grooming. They can be very patient too. They're not all just impulsive. People can be setting you up for months, weeks and weeks, months, even years to finally get you. They’re grooming you and they're getting you into a place where you accept, they trust you. They not only trust you, they find – will probably be suspicious a bit. You're going to have to be a little naughty with them or something and you get them to accept that, find it as exciting.

You got to go – if you look at all the people who follow gurus, like Charlie Manson. He was able to read these women for their hatred of their fathers and society and then he was able to use all that. He groomed all those gals for years. It's not that hard to do. As long as the person you're talking to is pissed off at something and upset, they want to get even. Now those are very easy to get to.

It doesn't matter how smart they are either. They can get them. They'll be grooming you and be getting a lot of information. I mean, for me when I can see somebody doing it, they seem too interested in you, you know what I mean? It's like, they care too much about you. Some people, especially women will say, “Oh, he's really interested in what I'm thinking, what I'm saying.” You say, “Well, actually he's grooming you right now. He's acting very interested in you. Unusually interested, like I've never met a boy or a man who is this interested in what I have to say.”

A psychopaths will be able to read that need that this is somebody who's a gal who really doesn't feel she gets respect, and so act like a guy who really cares what she says. While he's doing that, he's reading into what you're mad at, what your weak spots are. A lot of times, these guys – and I can see them. I’m sitting on a bar listening to them. I roll my eyes. There’s always some guy, one guy in a bar at least that's a real psychopath, and you can hear him working on people. They're very intensive and they’re very – they’re throwing a joke and it seems –

If you look at them enough, it seems like – it's always a performance. It doesn't seem like a natural organic conversation to me ever. It's very somewhat scripted interaction. They care too much on what the young man or the young gal has to say. They're interested. They’re a little too caring. All of these things add up and really will be probing, will be probing for some personal information and about your family and you – that seems normal, right? It seems normal. It's nice to have somebody who really cares about you, rather than talking about themselves all the time.

At some point, there's some people that just care too much. The question is what is that? Is there some threshold that's useful and you say, “Ah, you pass the threshold. You're a psychopath. I don't want anything to do with you,” walk away. Well, it's like that. The best thing to do with somebody who really think is a psychopath, who cares too much and gets a little – starts getting more and more a little controlling or creepy with you, you walk away. You don't try to fight it. You just walk away, because that's their game and they love playing the game, and so you just walk away.

[0:48:26.0] MB: What would be one really simple, quick action step, or piece of homework that would give for listeners who have been listening to this conversation and either want to maybe investigate their own psychology, or think about ways to better understand psychopathy?

[0:48:43.2] JF: Yeah, there's no really good way to do it yourself, because people not only lie to themselves, but they also are too rough on themselves. Let's say, well I have this narcissistic trait. They really don't. It's very mild. Even if you do with some friends that try to be dramatic about your traits, whereas the real trait if you score them to zero like you have none of that trait, or one, you have a bit, or two, you have the full-blown trait; people tend to be a little bit too much in denial, will give too many zeroes and too many twos, not enough ones.

It's very hard to do this yourself. The only way – you can't really tell if somebody's a psychopath by looking at their genes or their brain scans either. You have to do it by being – having a formal structured-unstructured interview with a psychologist, or psychiatrist who knows personality disorders. It's the only way to do it.

There are people who take online tests, like the Levinson, the PPI, or the hair test if they get a hold of it. They take these tests online, but they really – it doesn't work too well, because some people want to be it. They think it's cool to be a psychopath. It's not so cool to be a psychopath, but they’ll think it is, so they’ll be scoring themselves heavily like, “I'm really good there.” Well, they're really not. Whereas, the real psychopath will hide it.

They’ll probably suppress it and they’ll force it to be a lower number. They don't want to be found out to themselves either. It's very difficult to do it yourself. I had been working around them and worked in the field and I didn't even know it myself, what I had. I should have been completely aware. In fact, psychiatrists around me had told me for years, they said, “We've been telling you, you're a borderline psychopath. You never listen.”

I said, “I thought you were saying I was crazy.” They say, “You’re not crazy. We didn't say you're crazy. We said you have psychopathic traits and you’re a pain in the ass, man. You just do things that are like that.” I just didn't listen to it. I heard it as I wanted to hear it. I was certainly in denial. I don't like having this. I'm a father and a grandfather and it's not so great, because it's –they have to live with that. The only good thing is I've never done anything. I don't have a record or anything, so I'm just a – some animal in a zoo, I guess a bit. They don't really mind.

It's a weird game to play, because it can affect some kids and you got to watch it. The answer to your question is the only way to do it is to go to a psychologist who knows adult psychopathy and adult personality disorders. It's going to cost some money to do it. You really can't do it with an online test. That's the answer you did not want, Matt.

[0:51:24.5] MB: No, that’s still very helpful. For listeners who want to find you and your work and your writing online, what's the best place for them to do that?

[0:51:32.8] JF: If you just put – if you type in James Fallon Psychopathy, you'll see my posts all over the place, unfortunately. Either in the videos, because I've given a lot of talks, so you can probably find about 50 videos of different talks I've given. It's James H. Fallon. If you just, James Fallon Psychopath seems to pull up a lot of stuff, and that's one way to do it.

People can also contact me. I don't respond to phone calls at all, because I just – you got stuff somewhere, or texts. People e-mail me with real questions and I try to answer them. I have a book that's I still I guess, pretty relevant because the sales are still quite good on it. That's The Psychopath Inside.

We do other research too. Even though I'm semi-retired, because I shut my labs down, I still do research with my collaborators. We do other research too. If you want to look up what kind of work I'm doing, you look in PubMed, P-U-B-M-E-D and just put in James H. Fallon. My papers would come up on other research I'm doing well.

[0:52:40.2] MB: Well Jim, thank you so much for coming on the show and sharing your incredible and wild personal story and all the lessons that you've learned from the fascinating research that you've done.

[0:52:51.5] JF: My pleasure, Matt. You made it easy for me too.

[0:52:54.1] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners, master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

I'm going to give you three reasons why you should sign up for our e-mail list today by going to successpodcast.com, signing up right on the homepage. There are some incredible stuff that’s only available to those on the e-mail list, so be sure to sign up, including an exclusive curated weekly e-mail from us called Mindset Monday, which is short, simple, filled with articles, stories, things that we found interesting and fascinating in the world of evidence-based growth in the last week.

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Remember, the greatest compliment you can give us is a referral to a friend, either live or online. If you enjoyed this episode, please leave us an awesome review and subscribe on iTunes because that helps boost the algorithm, that helps us move up the iTunes rankings and helps more people discover the Science of Success.

Don't forget, if you want to get all the incredible information we talked about in the show, links transcripts, everything we discussed and much more, be sure to check out our show notes. You can get those at successpodcast.com, just hit the show notes button right at the top.

Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.

February 14, 2019 /Lace Gilger
Emotional Intelligence
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The Surprising Idea You Can Use To Overcome Self Doubt, Negativity, and Insecurity with Todd Herman

February 07, 2019 by Lace Gilger in Emotional Intelligence, High Performance

In this episode we discuss a proven way of overcoming the self-doubt, negativity, and insecurity that hold you back and we show you how to ultimately become your best self using a unique and unlikely strategy. We look at legends from pro athletes to MLK and uncover how they used the same exact strategy to get into the zone when it counts. We discuss all this and much more with our guest Todd Herman.

Todd Herman is a high-performance coach and author of, 'The Alter Ego Effect: The Power of Secret Identities to Transform Your Life'. He is the creator of the 90 Day Year a performance system which is designed to create results for business owners, fast. He has worked with Olympic athletes, Entrepreneurs, and Leaders including members of the Spanish Royal Family. He's been featured on the Today Show, The Good Life Project, Inc Magazine and more.

  • Nature is the ultimate litmus test of whether or not an idea has credence and truth

  • If something doesn’t exist in nature - we need to look at it and understand it

  • Balance does not exist in nature - but equilibrium does 

  • Based on what evidence do you need to have balance in your life? 

  • What is the alternative to finding balance in your life? What should you seek instead?

  • If you want to achieve big things, if you want to explore your capabilities, you have to throw yourself out of balance, you have to push past your comfort zone, to achieve big goals

  • In order to achieve big goals, you have to give up focus on other areas of your life to do it 

  • On a farm there is no idea of work life balance

  • Integration is far more important than balance - how do we actually integrate things into our lives? 

  • How do you move beyond the idea of work-life balance and move into integration?

  • What is an alter-ego?

  • An alter-ego can be an internal trusted friend. Bring an ally inside your mind. 

  • How do you get into the zone? How do you get into flow states? 

  • An alter ego ALLOWS you to have permission to achieve

  • How to leverage the science of "Enclothed Cognition” to transform yourself and create a powerful alter ego that can help you achieve anything 

  • The power of artifacts and totems

  • There are so many ideas that have been spread in the personal development world for so long that are false ideas, they aren’t rooted in science

  • The alter-ego taps into your creative imagination - is let’s you harness the power of this to make yourself more powerful and effective

  • How do you deal with resistance? Personal trauma? Self Doubt? Imposter Syndrome?

  • How legends like pro athletes and Martin Luther King would use physical props to tap into their alter egos

  • Stepping into your “distinguished self” 

  • How to harness the power of intention using physical triggers and tools to create 

  • The idea that you are one single self is completely flawed. Life is about context. You are different people in different contexts. 

  • “Multiple Self Theory” and how it’s changing psychology

  • You don’t build an alter-ego for your entire life. You build specific alter egos for specific contexts and opportunities.

  • To meet force with force does not help when dealing with difficult people. All it does is prolong the tantrum and create problems. Be like Mr. Rogers.

  • Don’t fight against yourself, leverage the way you naturally behave and turn that to your advantage. 

  • “Willpower is a terrible tool” to create change. 

  • Resistance comes from the unconscious and is extraordinarily powerful. Willpower comes from the frontal lobe. It’s like a mouse fighting an elephant. 

  • “Bo Jackson never played a down of football in his life”

  • It’s not pretending who you want to be, its “activating” who you want to be. 

  • What happens when you get stuck in a “trapped approach"

  • At your core, you have unlimited possibility - you have to decide and choose WHO you are and WHO is gonna show up to get the results you want. 

  • If something is getting in the way of you doing what you want to do or know you can do - THAT’S being inauthentic

  • Every single person - even you - has already done this - you’ve already use this idea. You just have to tap back into it. 

  • Playing with ideas is not a bad thing. 

  • What’s the critical difference between being childish and child-like? And why does that matter?

  • This is about remembering something that’s already inside of you. 

  • Homework: Define what “field of play” it makes the most sense for you to use an Alter Ego in. Start with - what area of life are you most frustrated with?

  • Homework: What are the traits you most want to bring into that field of play? Is there anyone or anything that already embodies that? A fictional character? A real person? A historical figure? Is there someone that you’re really drawn to? Your mind is constantly telling stories - if you tap into an existing story that’s already been written - you harness the power of it. Ask yourself - how can you ACTIVATE that?

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Please SUBSCRIBE and LEAVE US A REVIEW on iTunes! (Click here for instructions on how to do that).

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We’re proud to announce that this week’s episode of The Science of Success is brought to you by our partners at Athletic Greens!

Athletic Greens is offering our listeners 
20 FREE TRAVEL PACKS, a $79 value, with your first purchase when you go to www.athleticgreens.com/success.

Start this year off with a new incredibly impactful and easy to maintain healthy habit with Athletic Greens. The fact is, the perfect diet doesn't exist, and ultimately falls short due to a busy lifestyle, travel schedule or restrictive diets. That's why Athletic Greens packs in 75 whole food sourced ingredients and covers you in 5 key areas of health, making it one of the most comprehensive supplements on the market.

Show Notes, Links, & Research

  • [Personal Site] Todd Herman

  • [Book] The Alter Ego Effect: The Power of Secret Identities to Transform Your Life by Todd Herman

  • [Article] One Self or Many Selves? by Gregg Henriques Ph.D.

  • [Article] A Multiple Self Theory of the Mind by David Lester

  • [Journal Article] Enclothed cognition by Hajo Adam and Adam D.Galinsky

Episode Transcript


[00:00:19.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[00:00:11] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success, the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than 3 million downloads and listeners in over a hundred countries. In this episode, we discuss a proven way of overcoming this self-doubt, negativity and insecurity that hold you back, and we show you how to ultimately become your best self using a unique and unlikely strategy. 

We look at legends from pro athletes to MLK and uncover how they use the same exact strategy to get into the zone when it counts. We discuss all of these and much more with our guest, Todd Herman. 

Do you need more time; time for work, time for thinking and reading, time for the people in your life, time to accomplish your goals? This was the number one problem our listeners outlined and we created a new video guide that you can get completely for free when you sign up and join our email list. It's called How You Can Create Time for the Things That Really Matter in Life. You can get it completely for free when you sign up and join the email list at successpodcast.com.

You're also going to get exclusive content that's only available to our email subscribers. We recently pre-released an episode in an interview to our email subscribers a week before it went live to our broader audience. That had tremendous implications, because there is a limited offer in there with only 50 available spots that got eaten up by the people who were on the e-mail list first. With that same interview, we also offered an exclusive opportunity for people on our e-mail list to engage one-on-one for over an hour with one of our guests in a live exclusive interview, just for e-mail subscribers.

There's some amazing stuff that's available only to email subscribers that's only going on if you subscribe and sign up to the email list. You can do that by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the homepage. Or, if you're driving around right now, if you're out and about and you're on the go, you don't have time, just text the word “smarter” to the number 44222. That's S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44222.

In our previous episode, we discussed how our guest helped secret agents become more creative. We look at specific strategies to navigate personal change while empowering and using your imagination. How do you become more imaginative? What are the keys to sparking imagination and creativity and how do you use creativity to get through challenges and setbacks? We discussed all of these and much more with our previous guest, Beth Comstock. If you want to unlock your creativity and imagination, listen to that episode. 

Now, for our interview with Todd. 

[00:03:00] MB: Today, we have another awesome guest on the show, Todd Herman. Todd is a high-performance coach and author of The Alter Ego Effect: The Power of Secret Identities to Transform Your Life. He's the creator of the 90 Day Year, a performance system which is designed to create results for business owners fast. He’s worked with Olympic athletes, entrepreneurs and leaders, including members of the Spanish Royal Family. He’s been featured on the Today’s Show, the Good Life Project, Inc. Magazine and much more. Todd, welcome to The Science of Success. 

[00:03:31] TH: Matt, I'm excited to be here, because it's refreshing to talk to someone who values evidence and the scientific approach to success as much as I do. 

[00:03:41] MB: Well, that's awesome and that's one of the reason that we wanted to have you on the show, Todd. We were kind of getting into this in preshow, and so I wanted to just jump in and start recording. Let's expound on that topic. One of the things that I was telling you that is huge for me is there's no perfect way to resolve anything or really find the truth, right? In this life, nothing is certain, but one of the mental models that I like to use is this idea that science and data is one of the best mental models for predicting outcomes in the world and it gets proven wrong, it’s not perfect, but I really think it’s, at least in my experience and my research, one of the most useful ways to think about personal development. 

[00:04:25] TH: Yeah. Well, I mean, the way that I think of it too is does this exist in nature? I think nature is the ultimate litmus test of whether or not if someone is sharing an idea, whether or not it's got some sort of truth behind it, because if something doesn't exist in nature, then we need to really look at it then, because nature is – That’s where we come from. So there's up and there's down. There’s inside, there’s outside, there's duality. So it’s like the idea of balance. Balance does not exist in nature. It's trying to bring something back to an equilibrium, but this idea, say, in a personal world, where you have to have balance. Well, why?

Based on what evidence do we need to have balance in our life? Because it does not exist in nature. So why are we going to conform and try and constrain ourselves into a model that just does not exist, and many people create rules in their lives that are literally designed to force you to struggle, and balance is one that's going to force you to struggle and possibly beat yourself up. So I agree with you a hundred percent. 

[00:05:29] MB: That's really interesting. So obviously we’re going to get into your book and talk about some of those ideas, but before we do, this idea of balance is kind of interesting, and I’d like – It's a little bit kind of controversial. What would you say the alternative to balances and how would you think about for our listeners what should they seek instead and how do they do that?

[00:05:49] TH: Well, yeah. A, it’s just understanding that, especially for the people who are trying to strive, achieve, really like explore a lot of what their capabilities are. There are times when you are going to be throwing yourself out of balance in order to achieve that, because you need to be pushing past comfort zones, or just in order for anyone to achieve something, there needs to be a level of focus on that change that needs to happen, which means you need to be giving up focus on other areas of your life possibly. 

For example, right now I'm getting ready to launch this book that I have, that took me years to right. Now, of course, you're in that messaging where you're trying to get it out there, and it's so important to me that I have to let it go. I’ve got all of the other fields of play that I stand on in my life, right? With my family, I’ve got three little kids. My wife, friends, hobbies, and I go, “Okay. So I can't launch this thing out there and get it to where I want it, to get it towards – Or get it to by continuously still meeting up with my friends every single – Like there's just things I need to cut out. So now all of a sudden people go, “Oh! Well, that person isn't leading a balanced life.” No. No. No. It's by choice. I've chosen something else to be focused on in the next 90 days. So it's really helpful for people to understand so that you don't beat yourself up saying, “Oh, man! I've been working so hard on da-da-da and I'm not seeing my friends.” Yeah, but if you choose to do it, now you’re not going to beat yourself up over it. 

So the idea that I have – Now, I grew up on a huge farm and ranch in Western Canada. I live here in New York City now, which is the center of ambition on the planet. On the farm, it was such a great model for me to grow up inside of, A, because like I’d said before about nature. You learn about nature and what truly does work and doesn't work, but also there was no idea of work life balance. We lived where we worked. 

So I never thought that dad wasn't coming home from the office. He was out in the field. So integration is far more important to me. Now, how does that practically play out? Because I know that one of things that you do really well on the show is you actually get people practical advice as well and not leave people like up in the clouds. 

For me, how this plays out? Well, how could I take that idea of now, my family, where I definitely work a more white collar-ish job, right? I’m sharing ideas, I’m coaching, I’m advising and I’m putting on events and things like this. Well, how can I integrate my children more into this business? So, how it plays out when I do my live events and I have hundreds and thousands of people who might come to them? Molly and Sophie, who are – Molly is six now, and Sophie is 4-1/2. By the time their aged two, they have to come on stage with me and they have to sing something to the audience. They have to recite something to them. They have to do something. So I want to integrate them into my world, and there is one day, Matt, where – Well, I had my home office and I would close the door at around 7:00 to go in there to work, and my youngest daughter, Sophie, she was just before her second birthday, I heard her banging on the door and saying, “I hate work,” because I just said, “Daddy has to go to work now.” 

I thought to myself, “Wait a second. I don't want her establishing some sort of attitude or belief or whatever the case is that work is bad.” So I start every single day the exact same way. I sit down, and I’ve done this since I was just before my 22nd birthday. I write a handwritten note and I seal the letter with a wax seal and I send it off. So I've written well over 4,600 letters now to people. 

So the very next day I brought Molly and Sophie in with me and I have the box where all the tools are, like the letter, and the wax seal, and the wax itself, and the stamp, and all that and I got them to unpack it for me, set it all out for me, get me ready for my day, open up my laptop for me and get me ready. Now I’m integrating them in, and Sophie's response as soon as they had my desk all set up for me, she was like, “Okay, Molly. Let's go. Let’s leave daddy to get to work.” Then I heard her walk out the door and she said to my wife, Valerie, “What can we work on now?” So that’s just like an example of I'm not worried about balance. I want to integrate things in. How can I make everything just swim together, not keep it so separate.

[00:10:15] MB: Yeah, I totally agree with that, and I want to come back to Alter Egos in a second, but another kind of quick experience that I've had as well, I don't really see any distinction between work and life. They’re just one on blended thing for me, and I think it's important sometimes to have periods where you unplug from everything and really get that rest and relaxation, but at the same time, when I go on vacation, if I go to the beach for – I might go to the beach with my family for two weeks, but during that time, I might go surfing and then I'll come back in the afternoon and I'll work on a financial model or have a conference call or something like that, and I don't view that as working on vacation. I just view it as that's my life. So sometimes on a Wednesday afternoon I might play video games the middle of the day. It's all one fluid thing that is completely kind of interwoven. 

[00:11:05] TH: Yeah. It's the beautiful thing about the age that we’re living in now, and it can also be a handcuff for many people. I’d say generation X, like my generation, we've had to kind of stand on this border and balance this kind of we grew up at the latter end of that kind of industrial age and computer age and we started developing our themselves professionally at this huge shift that was happening where there was – you could start working from home. I think probably my generation really has a struggle with that almost schizophrenic nature of when you work at home – Like when I first started my business, actually I started it at my home in 1997, and when I told people that, that was back when people thought you're just basically unemployed if you're working from home. But this kind of great era that we live in now is we have this fantastic choice and I think some people struggle with the idea that they're not being productive or efficient if they're not always working, and that work happens between nine and five. But now the shift has happened where you work whenever you want to now. There is no defined time where you need to be working, and if you want to go play video games at 1:00 in the afternoon, do that, if that's the way that it kind of feeds you. So some fun stuff that we all have to navigate. 

[00:12:27] MB: Yeah, it's very interesting. It's a very distinct quandary. But I want to make sure we have some time to really dig into your book. So I want to transition and talk about alter ego. So the title alone really begs the question or makes me think, and I'm curious, what exactly are alter egos and why did you decide to write about that and why are they so important for personal development?

[00:12:54] TH: Sure. So there're many reasons and there're many powers to it, but alter ego was first mentioned in 44 B.C. by Cicero, the great Roman philosopher and statesman. Considered to be one of the greatest of all time, and the term itself in its root form truly means the other I or trusted friend. When you think about just how we all need to navigate life and be successful, there's really no denying the fact that having a phenomenal Rolodex and having great relationships is extraordinarily powerful. 

In fact, of all the studies that talk about happiness and joy and fulfillment in life, every single one always has a component of relationships playing a huge or massive part of that. Okay. So that's at the external space. But this idea of an alter ego being a trusted friend internally, in your mental game. I've played between the 6 inches of the years now for 22 years working, like you'd said in the intro, with Olympians, and business leaders, and public figures, and many, many people struggle with that inner voice that will beat them up or stop them or create resistance. What an alter ego – Again, with that trusted friend, now you’re bringing in ally internal to help you navigate that with more grace and allow you to bring those innate qualities that you do have that might be not showing up in your performance to leverage the idea of an alter ego and bring them out on to a field of play so that you get the results that you want and you’re showing up like you know that you can, but in some way through your current kind of self, there’re some sort of resistance that’s happening. 

So I got into using alter egos myself at a young age when I was playing. I played football and kind of how they’re recruited, and I went on to play college football. I was also nationally ranked badminton player as well, which typically people don't think of those two going together, badminton and football. But when I would go on the football field, I would channel my – What I called my inner Geronimo. I’m a massive Native American fan and buff and I created this kind of tribe of warriors in my mind. One was Walter Payton, another was Ronnie Lott, both Hall of Fame football players in the NFL, and then this tribal like Native American warriors, and I brought them all together and I just called that entire composite Geronimo. 

So when I showed up on that field, Todd didn't play the game. Geronimo did, and Geronimo – I was 6 feet and like 156 pounds soaking wet. So I could easily get caught up in the fact that I was not a big guy, but Geronimo would never have those thoughts in his own head, and I channeled the strengths of those people to bring my performance to a level on that field. For myself, I'm always trying to find, whether it's someone like you Matt, or it's an athlete, or whether it’s an entertainer, the core of my work is to help someone get into the zone and flow state where there is no judgment. You’re just so caught up in the process. When you're in that experience, you're literally allowing every single ounce of your capability to get out of you in that moment without any sort of restriction of negative self talk or whatever. It's a massive allowing that's happening. 

Alter ego was one of my top tools that I would go to when working with people after I started my business to allow them to get out on the field. To kind of carry this forward, when I started my business at the age of 21, I look like I was 12, Matt, you're actually very similar. You’ve got a young face too, right?

[00:16:38] MB: I definitely do. Oh, yeah. 

[00:16:39] TH: I don’t know about you with your experience, but I was so insecure about how young I looked, because I was going out there and I was talking about mental game and I didn't have like a degree in psychology. So I was concerned about my credibility because of my lack of a degree or something, but I wasn't really talking a lot about psychology. I was talking about the biology of things. I was talking about kinesiology. I was bringing together all these different worlds. But fundamentally, that was one of my strengths. I was really, really good at developing my own mental toughness, which allowed me to perform at a high level, and I was then good at teaching and breaking it down for people. But it was stopping me from getting out and marketing myself and getting my message out, because I was so insecure and caught up in my head about how young I looked. Then one day I was just like, “Wait a second. I wonder if this idea of Geronimo could help me in business,” and I was kind of reconciling and I was like, “Well, Geronimo is pretty aggressive. That doesn't really work for business, but is there someone or something else?” 

It dawned on me that all the people that I thought were confident and smart and articulate and all these things all have glasses when I was young. So I thought, “Well, why don’t I leverage that,” and I’d put on my helmet when I went on the football field to channel Geronimo, but then when I went – What could I used to kind of trigger and signal this confident and articulate and decisive self in business, and the glasses was going to be my tool. I’m going to get to the power scientifically behind this in a second, because it leverages a psychological phenomenon that we all carry with us. 

So that's what I did. I went to LensCrafters in West Edmonton Mall in Edmonton, Alberta where I was living at the time, and I went to the optometrist and I got a pair of nonprescription glasses. This is like in the late 90s when wearing glasses wasn't a cool fashion thing at all. Everyone was getting LASIK eye surgery trying to get away from glasses and here I am walking and the optometrist is giving this weird look at me, like, “You don't need glasses. Why are you getting glasses?” I’m like, “Can you please just shut up and give me the glasses please?” So that's what I did, and I would put those on and I would step into my Superman version of myself in business, just like Superman would put on his glasses become Clark Kent. I did the reverse. I was putting on the glass to be the Superman version of myself for business to carry forth the traits that I most wanted to show up and stop feeling so insecure. 

Now, what this actually leverages, because we want to talk about evidence, is this phenomenon called enclothed cognition. So human beings carry with us this sort of phenomenon that we have clothing and things that we wear, or in society there is clothing and there are artifacts and totems that signal to us an idea of what that thing is all about, so a lab coat, or a doctor's coat, or police officer's uniform. 

Now, the fascinating thing about this is when you put that thing on yourself, you will actually enclothe yourself in that same meaning and you will cognitively start to act through those traits yourself. We all have maybe a power tire, or we have like a shirt that we put on that makes us feel good. That's why that whole idea of look good, feel good; behave good, or act good works. It's actually proven out with science. 

So the Kellogg School of Management did this really great study where they brought in a bunch of students into a room individually and there was – I don’t know if you’ve ever seen this before, Matt, but there’s like this little puzzle that you can do where a bunch of boxes, and in each box is the word of a color. But then it's colored in a different color. Have you ever seen those before?

[00:20:14] MB: Yeah, I've done one of those tests before. 

[00:20:16] TH: Yeah. So it’s like the word green, but it's colored in yellow, and then the word blue, but it's colored in red, and so on, and there’s probably like 25 of these on a grid. They brought these students into a room and they wanted them – They were going to test them on their accuracy, their attention to detail, the amount of mistakes that they're going to make and the amount of time it was going to take them to say all of the words, because our brain processes the color first before it processes the word. So it's a real kind of mind trick. 

So anyways, they brought them in and individually they would go through this and they would track them. So that group gets done and they record all the data. Then they bring in another group and they hand them a white coat and they tell them that it's a painters coat and they get them to do the exact same experiment. So then these people leave and they bring in another group, hand them exact same white coat, but this time they tell them it's a lab coat or a doctor's coat and then they do it. 

Okay. So what you think the difference was in the results between the painters coat and plainclothes people?

[00:21:15] MB: I'm not sure. I mean, obviously, I think the painters coat would've maybe made people feel more creative. I'm not really sure.

[00:21:21] TH: That's right. You’re dead on. That means they’re more creative. However, does being more creative help you for that specific task? 

[00:21:28] MB: Yeah, I probably I heard it too. 

[00:21:30] TH: Yeah, it actually didn't, and what happened was they had the exact same results as the plainclothes. So there’s no effect that happened. However, the people who wore the lab coat or the doctor's coat made less than half the mistakes as everyone else, and they completed the task in less than half the time. So what happened? Well, they enclothed themselves cognitively into the mindset or the actions, behaviors, of someone who is detail-oriented, right? They’re methodical. They’re careful. They’re studious, all things that we associate with someone who might be in a lab or in a doctor's coat. Powerful – This is like a powerful little phenomenon. 

Well, me, as someone – Like I'm the practitioner, Matt. I'm not someone who wrote the book because I found this idea. I've been working with people one-on-one for 22 years now, and I do group stuff. I do events, but I still do a lot of one-on-one. Over the course of my career, I’ve worked with people over 16,000 hours one-on-one. When you work with people one-on-one, I'm paid to help people perform better, right? 

Like in the professional athletics world or Olympic world, you’re not going to be able to work with people on a consistent basis if you're not actually making a difference with people’s performance. So my biggest issue, and this is what I appreciate about your podcast, is that there are so many ideas that have been spread from the personal development, self-help leadership world, for so long that are not rooted in real evidence. They’re nice ideas, lovely ideas. It sounds like I would really want that thing to truly work, but they don't often times. 

So the alter ego taps into the one thing that we truly are gifted with as human beings that makes us unique on the planet, and it is our creative imagination. Einstein said it, that our imagination is more powerful than knowledge, and our creative imagination is truly our gift to handle the world and handle it with more grace, but we can also create a world inside of our heads that can hurt us, right? We can create heaven from hell or a hell from heaven. We have this fantastic ability to create story and narrative in our minds. That's what we do, and an alter ego is like the backdoor into our creative imagination to fight against the other part that we have inside of us, which is Carl Jung would call it the shadow self. In the book I call it – Just to give it more – To give it kind of the thematic, the theme that I have rolling through the book, I call it the enemy, and the enemy can pull us into the shadows. What is it do? It uses things like resistance, which can come in the form of, “Hey, personal trauma.” There's a lot of people who’ve had some tough things happen to them, me included. 

I've had – Or there’s people who have imposter syndrome, that idea that they always are discounting their achievements and what they've achieved in life or their wins that they’ve had and they’re concerned about people finding them out or not having enough skill yet, and it stops you from taking action. There's any one of a number of different forces that stop us; doubt, worry, the judgment of others, right? An alter ego can more gracefully move past that and really pull those qualities and traits that are really actually in the skills that you have inside of you out-past it and on to the field for people.

So for me, I love diving into in the book like just the history of them, who has used them in the past. A lot of people would be surprised at who has used them to leverage this idea and pull the best of themselves out there the – Like I was saying, with the enclothed cognition, the science of how to use this to activate things. I was using the glasses to activate specific traits and step in that kind of inner business Superman. 

I’ll tell you a quick little story if you don't mind. I was doing a speech in San Antonio, Texas. It was a leadership event back in 2004. I mentioned the idea of alter ego and the glasses and how I have perfect 20/15 vision, but I use glasses and use glasses when I started out to be very intentional about who and what was going to show up on that field for me. 

Afterwards, this lady came up to me and said, “Listen, Todd, I loved your talk. Specifically, I liked your story around how you use glasses,” and it's funny, because Martin never needed glasses either. He had perfect vision and he had nonprescription glasses too to help him do the hard things that he was out there doing. 

What's important to note is the Martin that she is referring to, when I looked down, if you saw her nametag, her name is a Coretta Scott King. It’s Martin Luther King's wife, and she was telling me and went on to tell me that he would step into what he called his distinguished self, because he felt like he was leading such an important movement and on such an important mission that he didn't want whatever insecurities that he had gathered up over his life to get in the way of that mission. So he put on those glasses as a way of stepping into his distinguished self and do the hard things to continue to move that mission and movement forward. So I kind of share that story in the book, and many other people that have used it along with just the science of what you're tapping into inside. 

[00:26:28] MB: It's so fascinating, and there's a number of different things that I want to unpack out of this strategy, this whole notion that you have these kind of physical triggers, or tools, or totems as you call them, is really interesting and I've never come across that or thought about that as a strategy, but it makes so much sense, and it's something that I think is very eminently applicable for a lot of people as well. 

[00:26:55] TH: Yeah. Well, you mean how often have you heard people talk about the power of intention, right?

[00:27:01] MB: Yeah, all the time. Yeah.

[00:27:03] TH: All the time, right? And they say it and I always thought, “Okay, that’s a lovely idea,” but then once I got into this work more, and even before, Matt, we were talking about the power of like just integration and you were saying how there is no difference for me in like work and life. It's all just one thing. There have been a lot of shifts and changes in the psychology world in the last few years. If you could basically say that it has been disrupted massively, because a few of the fundamental pillars that have made up the philosophy of psychology have been basically brought to the ground, because those old studies have been proven to be non-replicatable. 

But one of the things that has been shifted, for the longest time in the psychology world had always kind of spread the idea or message that, fundamentally, the healthiest human beings are the ones who see themselves as a single self. That is broken now. In fact, there is more evidence showing now that the people who think that there's one single self that you carry around all of the different fields that you go when you live in typically have a very, very high-level of – Or a propensity towards having mental health issues, because life is about context. 

Now, an extremely fast growing area of study in psychology is this theory of multiple self theory, which is that understanding that we live contextually, right? Like, Matt, who you are with me right now is, of course, going to be slightly different and different than who you are when you're at home, or when you're playing sport, or when you're with your family, or significant other, or whatever the case is. There traits and parts of our personality that get magnified so that we can perform to our best ability, whatever that might be. 

Again, it's not performing in the way of acting. It's performing in the context, for me, of getting a result that you want, okay? So context matters. So for building alter egos for people, it was always contextual. You don’t build an alter ego for your entire life. The Todd that shows up and has glasses on in business, now, I don't bring that. I’ve got a challenger personality type. When you're working with high-achieving people, you've got to challenge them, because they’re around nothing but yes people a lot of the times, and they're just operating at such a high-level that I need to be challenging them on things. 

But do my little kids want that aspect of my personality at home when they just want a fun, playful, get on the ground and muck around from dad? No. But it would be very easy for me to take that home with me, because so much of my day is sitting, doing this work. So when I – And I'm still at a young dad. My oldest is only six, but I was carrying that home too much and then I thought to myself, “Wait a second. I need to create context here. Who would I most like to be inspired by to show up in the home with my kids?” and it was easy to go to Mr. Rogers. I grew up with Mr. Rogers, the prolific children's entertainer, and I thought to myself, “At my core, I know that there's a gentle self that's in there, because absolutely there is,” an Mr. Rogers is such great inspirations. So that's who I would like to most show up as or bring as a spirit into that moment. 

Where this came to a head for me was my middle daughter, Sophie, has let's say a fantastic emotional bandwidth. She can have fantastic eyes and very quickly go to a fantastic tantrum. When a young kid is having a tantrum, any other parent that’s listening knows that to meet force with force does not work. You can yell and scream at them, you can challenge them and dominate them by your size, but that's not going to help the situation and that would probably be an easy default for me. 

But the moment I got down on one knee and – Because it was the day before that's exactly how I acted. I challenged force with force and all it did was prolong the tantrum for 15 minutes. But the next day when I really channeled that idea of Mr. Rogers, I got down on one knee just like he would and I reached out to Sophie, I grabbed her, I pulled her in and I gave her a big hug just like he would, and she melted. Her tantrum went from lasting what would've been 12 minutes till like 13 seconds, and we all have this where we see her kids then run off and they’re playing and it’s like nothing just happened and you’re like, “What? You guys are insane!” But I'm not there to solve the psychology of children. I'd much rather meet it in a way that's more meaningful. So that's the power of that in action contextually. Same thing with all my athletes, we’re building the alter ego, or that character or persona for that field of place. 

So now that's taking that power of intention and you going, “Who and what do I most want to be showing up as on that field to help me be as successful as I possibly can?” Then it's to override whatever self-doubt you have that you can do it. Why not tap into and leverage our creative imagination and not forget about it and use it to your advantage and maybe step into your inner Yoda, your inner Luke Skywalker, or Wonder Woman, or whoever that might be for you?

[00:32:15] MB: This is a little bit of a tangent, but I love this notion of not meeting force with force and channeling Mr. Rogers. What a thoughtful approach to dealing with any difficult emotional situation or difficult individual. 

[00:32:30] TH: I mean, can you imagine if the leaders of our world that had their fingers over top of war machines handled things with a little bit more. Mr. Rogers? We would probably be living – And this is coming from a fairly hard-charging ambitious person, but I can tell you that we’d probably be living in a far different world, definitely. 

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[00:34:10] MB: So I want to circle back and talk about some of the struggles that people deal with and why this idea of an alter ego can be such a powerful tool, because when I think about the listeners, I'm sure there's people listening to this who face, as you call it, resistance. Whether it is a trauma they're trying to overcome, whether it's self-doubt, imposters syndrome, etc. How does this specifically help them overcome those challenges and those struggles?

[00:34:39] TH: Well, you know Matt, when you're looking at me or my life or you’re looking at someone else where you're not living inside of my head. We all do this, it’s the grass is greener effect, right? Where we go, “Oh, I can see how that works with that person, but I've got this going on, or I can see why that person built business up to being successful, because –” And we gloss over someone's life very easily. Human beings do that by very nature. That's just what we do. 

So me, as someone who’s a practitioner, I’m simply trying to leverage existing things that we do naturally, not fight against things like many people in the self-help world loves to push out the idea. Like the number one tool that most self-help personal book will typically give people leadership book is the number one tool is willpower. Of course, willpower is powerful. Yes, we do have the power of the will, the free will, but it is a terrible tool to use to overcome ourselves and change. Why? Because resistance comes from the unconscious and is extraordinarily powerful. Willpower comes from the frontal lobe, and on the grand scale of size, think of it like the mouse coming at the elephant. Just good luck with that. That's why most people wear out after – you can use willpower to steer yourself for a few days, a week, or a couple of weeks, but over time, typically, the unconscious and that resistance will win, typically. I didn’t say all the time, typically it will, which is why most people will struggle. 

Well, if this grass is green on the other side effect naturally happens, well, that's one of the things that we’re utilizing when we’re using an alter ego or a persona and tapping into someone and something else’s superpowers. Because we look at, say, James Bond, or we look at Daniel Craig, or we look at Michelle Obama or whoever it is that we might admire and we go, “Oh, I want to use their traits, because they just show up in an X, Y, Z way.” You're only seeing one part of that person's existence, and we’re not going deep because we don't have that person's narrative and storytelling going on. So why would I fight that? Instead, I’m going to use that and help you, a client, whatever, tap into it and step through that individual, that thing that might be being used, to help bring your traits out on to the field. So it's such a natural thing, and what you're just simply tapping into is that kind of – That gloss effect that we have. We strip away all of the negative that that person would have had to deal with in order to get to where they are and we’re just simply seeing the positive traits that that person has. 

So I’ll give you just a quick example too. I start off the book talking about a story that happened when I was speaking at an event in Atlanta years ago, and I was standing in the green room just sort of pacing and kind of practicing my talk by myself, and then in through the doorway comes like the most impressive physical specimen and one of the greatest athletes of all time, Bo Jackson. Me, a Nintendo fan from way back in the 80s and the early 90s, I'm like, “Oh my God! I played that guy in Nintendo all the time.” 

So he walks over to me and he’s like, “Hi, I’m Bo Jackson.” I said, “Yeah, I know who you are. I wouldn’t be a very good practitioner in sport if I didn't know who the only two time All-Star is in pro sport history in two different sports, in the NFL and Major League Baseball.” So he laughed and I said, “I played you a lot on Nintendo. You won me a lot of games on tech mobile.” He’s like, “Oh! You’re not the first one to say that.” 

Anyways, he said, “Are you talking today?” and I said, “Yeah, I'm going on next, I think, but you might had just bumped me,” and he’s like, “No, not quite. But what are you going to talk about?” and I said, “Well, I’m going to talk to the coaches about the mental game, the inner game, but specifically how to use an alter ego or persona to really unlock their capabilities on the field.” He looked at me kind of with this like a little bit of a shocked face and he kind of cocked his head to the side and he said, “Bo Jackson never played a down of football his entire life is like.” I was like, “Okay, interesting. Tell me more.” 

He was like, “Yeah. When people know my history, they know that I was actually a really angry kid, just filled with lots of emotion, and it sounds like that would work out well for you on the football field, but really what I did was I took a lot of bad penalties. I was not the most coachable kid because of it, and it was getting into some trouble. One night I was watching a movie and I saw this character come on the screen that was cold, calculating, methodical, unemotional and I thought to myself, “Wait a second. What if I brought that character on to the football field instead of this like angry and rageful and emotional kid? If I was unemotional and calculating and cold, that would seem to like help me out,” and the character that he saw on the screen was Jason from Friday the 13th. 

It doesn’t sound to most people, like an angry kid taking Jason out there would be a smart thing. Again, this is the power of our imaginations. It was his take away. It was the meaning that he took from that. For him, going out there and being more unemotional was going to help him perform better. So that's what he did. He took that out there and he said, “I'm sure you’re going to talk to kids about goals, but I had one mission and one mission alone, and that was just destroy anything that got in my path.” 

Now, again, in context, on that field of play called football, that mission serves that person. In business – And this is what – He did it so innately smart. That was the context. He didn't take Jason into business or into the classroom or anything like that that. That was where Jason lived, was out there on the football field. 

Same thing for me, I leave that Superman version of myself in business in my office, or on those moments of impact that matter to business. I don't take that home to my kids. That idea of myself is inspired by someone and something else. Then what happens is Cary Grant, this great Hollywood golden age actor in the 1940s and 50s, well-known for being like debonair, and charismatic, and well put together. He had this great quote near the end of his life where he said, “I pretended to be somebody I wanted to be, and I finally became that person, or he became me, or we met at some point,” and that encapsulates just the perfect idea of this. 

The only thing that I would change in his quote is instead of I pretended to be, it’s I activated somebody I wanted to be, and I finally became that person. Id if you think of it like who you are today as a Venn diagram, there's a circle on the left-hand side and then maybe who and how you want to show up in another circle, and maybe they don't overlap perfectly right now with your performance. But the bridge between the two can be the idea of an alter ego or a secret identity to help bring and merge those together and then at some point in time you've actually become that new self naturally, if that makes sense. 

[00:41:32] MB: Yeah, that definitely make sense. I think it's important for somebody who's listening who might think to themselves, “Okay. So this is basically just fake it till you make it.” What would you say to one of those listeners? 

[00:41:42] TH: Not even close. Yeah. I mean, again, this gets back to the idea that people in the personal world have done a terrible job messaging a lot of things. Fake it till you make it. This has nothing to even remotely come close to that, because faking something till you make it, just that idea is about external. That's about trying to – Yeah, if anytime you’re trying to do something to deceive others or trick others, that's activating, or that's operating from what I call an outside-in approach, and you will always create – I talk about in chapter 3, a trapped self. Because any time you are being that influenced by what's happening on the outside world in order for you to operate on the inside, that's where you have this issue of being inauthentic. 

This is about really having people understand that at your core self, there is this unlimited possibility that sits inside of a human spirit and a human person, and that you are being very intentional. You're taking the power back. You’re deciding and choosing who and what you want to show up on that field so that you can get the results that you're really looking for, and that your field of play is far more representative of how you think you truly can perform. Nothing beats up a person more at the end of the day than when you put your head on a pillow and you beat yourself up with, “Man! I wish I would've said this instead of that,” or “I wish I would have spoken up,” or “Why didn’t I raise my hand?” or “Why didn't I ask for the sale when that person was – It was perfect fit for them.” There some sort of resistance there for people, and that's being inauthentic now. 

True inauthenticity is when you could be doing something and you're not doing it, and I know that to be true, because I've done this for two decades and I know how people beat themselves up. When you're not out there doing the things that you know you can do or want to do and something else is getting in the way, that really beats up people’s self-efficacy, their self-esteem, their self-confidence. A trusted friend, and alter ego, the other eye to help you navigate that with more grace to bring out those abilities helps to make that happen. So fake it till you make it is a terrible idea and it has nothing to do with leveraging an alter ego to help make that happen. 

[00:43:58] MB: That's a great point, and it gets back to this notion of self-sabotage, right? This idea that if you’re getting in your own way, if there're things you could or want to do that you're somehow not able to, then you’re sabotaging yourself. 

[00:44:15] TH: And instead of beating yourself up – Again, these are natural parts of the human experience. Every single person that has been listening to this, if you have been doubting this or you’ve been thinking like, “Oh! I can see how that works for an athlete or an entertainer, but how could this work for me?” Here’s what I want to remind you. Every single one of you, every single human being on the planet has already used this, because it's a part of the human condition. It's built into us. When we were children, we all played with this idea of pretending to be Superman, or Batman, or Wonder Woman, or a fireman, or a cowboy, or a nurse, or a teacher, or our favorite hockey player, or football player, or basketball player, “I’m going to go out there and be Michael Jordan.” That was you tapping into something that's innate, and then what happens? We start to grow up and we hear things like, “You got to start acting your age,” or “You just need to grow up.” 

We start to internalize growing up, meaning, “Oh! Me playing with those ideas is childish.” No. No. No. There’s a difference between childish and childlike. If people would actually approach a lot more of their life childlike, they would be a lot more playful, they would probably take it a lot easier on themselves and they would start exploring more of themselves and what they can do, because that’s what we always did as a kid. 

So this is not about handing people a brand-new idea. I say it in the book, this is about me causing people to remember something that's already inside of you, and in some cases almost giving people the permission to start doing it again, because you're not strange, you're not weird, you're simply joining a tribe of people that have been doing this for a very long time and helping them to achieve things that other people get amazed by. 

[00:45:58] MB: So for listeners who want to concretely start implementing this in their lives, what would be one piece of homework that you would give them as an action step to begin that journey?


[00:46:09] TH: Yeah. I mean, I’ll give them a couple here. So one is just define which field of play that it makes the most sense for you to possibly play with this idea for, and the easiest place to go to is what area of your life right now are you most frustrated with? It's so easy for people to think of in the context of say, media business and going out there and crushing it or whatever it is, but maybe actually it's with relationships, or its with your home life, or it’s with health and fitness, or whichever, but just first start with one field of play. Don't build out nine alter egos. Start with one to start playing with this idea, okay? So that’s step number one. 

Step number two, what are the traits that you most want to be bringing out there? When you think of like what would really help you succeed in that area. Are the things that you admire in other people, you’re like, “Oh! I wish I had that.” That's a signal. That's a signal of your creative imagination trying to nudge you in a certain way. 

So what would be those traits that you'd most like to bring out into that field? Okay? Is there anyone or anything that already embodies that right now? When you think of a favorite character from a book, like a fictional character or a nonfiction character that happened in history or something like that, is there someone that you'd most like to – Or that you're really drawn to? So that we can create form and shape. 

I mean, a big part of how our minds work is we’re storytelling machines constantly, right? By tapping into an existing story that's already been written because of someone else's life or in nature – I mean, Kobe Bryant, that's exactly what he did with the black mamba. I tell the story of how he came up with the black mamba and where he was inspired to get that idea from a movie that he was watching. 

So that kind of second step is where the superpowers or those traits you most want to start showing up that’s going to help you succeed. Is there anyone or anything that already has them to give you a better idea? Then as another step, is there anything that you could use then to help activate that, those superhero qualities or those traits out there? Like I did with glasses, or I did with the helmet, or other people have used bracelets, or wristbands in sport, or it could be your favorite shirt, it could be a uniform that you always wear, which is an extremely popular device that specially people in the tech space have used, weather it’s Steve Jobs, or Zuckerberg. That’s you being very intentional now about who and what is now showing up, because it’s that final moment where we’re, “Hey, when these glasses go on –” What ended up happening, Matt, was the arms of your glasses, they slide across your temple as you’re putting them on. After a while of doing this – Because I was being so intentional about how I was about to show up. It was almost like a switch was being flicked on and off when I took off the glasses. I was moving into a different self. But when I put them on, that switch was being flicked and I was stepping into that very specific self-built to help go and win on that field. 

[00:49:13] MB: Great pieces of homework and great advice. Todd, for our listeners who want to find you, your work, the book, etc., online, what's the best place for them to do that? 

[00:49:23] TH: Well, they can go to alteregoeffect.com, and we have like the links to all the different places around the world that you could buy it. Again, more information, some videos on there for people to read. My home base on the internet is toddherman.me. You can maybe learn more about me if you needed to, or see the other stuff that we've got going on, and of course all my social kind of links are on there too. 

[00:49:43] MB: Well, Todd, thank you so much for coming on the show, for sharing all these wisdom. Some really interesting strategies, great stories, and really practical ways to implement this. 

[00:49:54] TH: Thanks, Matt. Super appreciate it. 

[00:49:55] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you, our listeners, master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.


February 07, 2019 /Lace Gilger
Emotional Intelligence, High Performance
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You Can Become More Creative With This Unique Strategy Used By American Spies with Beth Comstock

January 31, 2019 by Lace Gilger in Creativity & Memory

In this episode we discuss how our guest helped the secret agents become more creative. We look at specific strategies to navigate personal change while empowering and using your imagination. How do you become more imaginative? What are the keys to sparking imagination and creativity? How do you use creativity to get through challenging setbacks? We discuss all of this and much more with our guest Beth Comstock. 

Beth Comstock is a business executive and author with a deep history of leading large companies to success through innovation and new opportunities. Beth is currently a director at Nike, the trustee of The National Geographic Society and former board president of the Cooper Hewitt Smithsonian National Design Museum. She is the author of the best-selling book Imagine it Forward - Courage, Creativity, and the Power of Change. She has worked in top leadership roles at GE, NBC, CBS, and her work has been featured across the globe.

  • What is the imagination gap?

  • How does our quest for certainty end up killing possibility?

  • We often fail to use our imagination to move ourselves, and the world, forward

  • What did a chance meeting with the CIA have to do with navigating personal change and using your imagination?

  • We want a risk free world, a risk free life - but it doesn’t exist

  • Risk is the will to act on imagination 

  • The 5 key elements of sparking imagination

  • Give yourself permission to try new things in new ways

    1. Challenge your perspective

    2. Beat your ideas up

    3. Power of Story

    4. Create a new operating system - create accountability 

  • In today’s world - we have to “Get good at change"

  • How to handle change and the disruptive pace of change in todays world 

  • Do you have your own process or practice of adaptation?

  • What does it mean to have a practice or process of adaptation?

  • Have a growth mindset

    1. Seek out beliefs that challenge yourself

    2. Build connections and see patterns

  • “Going on threes” - after you see something a third time, use that as a trigger to follow up and learn more about it

  • Take back 10% of your time for these contemplative routines 

  • Pick up a magazine you would NEVER read and read it on a plane - expose yourself to radically new ideas 

  • The future is here, its just not even distributed yet

  • You have to put yourself out there to discover new ideas - “mushroom hunting” 

  • "Get outside the Jar” - getting outside creates a whole new perspective 

  • In a world where we often choose our filters based on what we already believe - its even more important to expose yourself to new and different idea

  • What is social courage and how can you create it for yourself?

  • The power of small challenges and change to help build your skills

  • What do we do when gatekeepers limit us from what we want?

  • Most of the time people give up on an idea when they hear No one time

  • The power and magic of “No is not yet” - no is an invitation to come back in a new way 

  • Building up resilience and persistence when we really care about our ideas 

  • How do you build bridges instead of walls? 

  • Your critics can become your best advocates if you treat them the right way

  • “I’m gonna work to do better, but I need your help”

  • What problem are we trying to solve? Are you aligned with the people you work with on solving the same problem?

  • Often times we try to protect ourselves, our ideas - even our own egos - by trying to hide from negative feedback - but it’s often essential to fueling creativity and getting to the best ideas and solutions

  • It’s so easy to delude ourselves, to think things are they way we want them to be, or they should be, instead of the way they are - acknowledging reality is a vital step towards creating results 

  • Constraints are very powerful for fostering creativity 

  • Homework: Ask yourself what’s one thing you want to move forward on? Ask yourself what’s holding you back and write a permission slip to yourself “I give myself permission to do this."

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We’re proud to announce that this week’s episode of The Science of Success is brought to you by our partners at Athletic Greens!

Athletic Greens is offering our listeners 
20 FREE TRAVEL PACKS, a $79 value, with your first purchase when you go to www.athleticgreens.com/success.

Start this year off with a new incredibly impactful and easy to maintain healthy habit with Athletic Greens. The fact is, the perfect diet doesn't exist, and ultimately falls short due to a busy lifestyle, travel schedule or restrictive diets. That's why Athletic Greens packs in 75 whole food sourced ingredients and covers you in 5 key areas of health, making it one of the most comprehensive supplements on the market.

Show Notes, Links, & Research

  • [Book] The Black Swan: Second Edition: The Impact of the Highly Improbable: With a new section: "On Robustness and Fragility" (Incerto) by Nassim Nicholas Taleb

  • [Book] Imagine It Forward: Courage, Creativity, and the Power of Change by Beth Comstock and Tahl Raz

  • [SoS Episode] Research Reveals How You Can Create The Mindset of a Champion with Dr. Carol Dweck

  • [SoS Episode] Stop Being Afraid To Be YOU - The Power of Bold Authenticity with Dr. Aziz Gazipura

  • [SoS Episode] Your Secret Weapon to Becoming Fearless with Jia Jiang

  • [SoS Episode] Embracing Discomfort by Matt Bodnar

  • [Twitter] Beth Comstock

  • [LinkedIn] Beth Comstock

Episode Transcript


[00:00:19.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[0:00:11.8] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success; the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than three million downloads and listeners in over a hundred countries.

In this episode, we discuss how our guest helped secret agents become more creative. We look at specific strategies to navigate personal change while empowering and using your imagination. How do you become more imaginative? What are the keys to sparking imagination and creativity? How do you use creativity to get through challenges and setbacks? We discuss all of these and much more with our guest, Beth Comstock.

Do you need more time? Time for work, time for thinking and reading, time for the people in your life, time to accomplish your goals? This was the number one problem our listeners outlined and we created a new video guide that you can get completely for free when you sign up and join our e-mail list. It's called How You Can Create Time for the Things That Really Matter Life. You can get it completely for free when you sign up and join the e-mail list at successpodcast.com.

You're also going to get exclusive content that's only available to our e-mail subscribers. We recently pre-released an episode in an interview to our e-mail subscribers a week before it went live to our broader audience and that had tremendous implications, because there was a limited offer in there with only 50 available spots that got eaten up by the people who were on the e-mail list first.

With that same interview, we also offered an exclusive opportunity for people on our e-mail list to engage one-on-one for over an hour with one of our guests in a live exclusive interview just for e-mail subscribers. There's some amazing stuff that's available only to e-mail subscribers that's only going on if you subscribe and sign up to the e-mail list. You can do that by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the home page.

Or if you're driving around right now, if you're out and about and you're on the go, you don't have time, just text the word “smarter” to the number 44-222. That's S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44-222.

In our previous episode, we discussed what causes the big moments that can transform your entire life in an instant. We showed you how to create that motivation and inspiration in your everyday life, so that you could be more productive and happier. We also exposed why the common wisdom about willpower and ego depletion was completely wrong and what you should do instead. We dug into all of that and much more with our previous guest, James Fell. If you want to be happier, more motivated and more inspired, listen to that episode.

Now, for our interview with Beth.

[0:03:01.2] MB: Today, we have another exciting guest on the show, Beth Comstock. Beth is a business executive and author with a deep history of leading large companies to success through innovation and new opportunities. She's currently a director at Nike, the trustee of the National Geographic Society and a former board president of the Cooper Hewitt Smithsonian National Design Museum. She's the author of the bestselling book Imagine It Forward: Courage, Creativity, and the Power of Change. She's worked in top leadership roles at GE, NBC, CBS and her work has been featured across the globe.

Beth, welcome to the Science of Success.

[0:03:36.9] BC: Great. Thanks for having me, Matt. Happy to be here.

[0:03:39.2] MB: Well, we're really excited to have you on the show and there's a number of themes from the book that I want to dig in to. I'd like to start out with a broader question, this idea that you open the book up with this notion of the imagination gap. Tell me a little bit about that.

[0:03:54.9] BC: To me, the imagination gap is what I experienced a lot in the course of business, whether I was working in a big company or with small companies, this notion that there's a gap that we were possibility and options for the future go to die, because people are looking for certainty, they don't want to take risks, they're not using their creativity to solve new problems in new ways. To me, it's this big gap of people failing to use their imagination to figure a better way forward.

I start the book off with an unusual story, for me certainly and probably an unusual story of me; me a business person going to talk to the CIA. Now I was asked to come and speak to them to talk about navigating change. I thought it was interesting for this issue of imagination, because you may recall back in after 9/11 happened, there was a senate hearing about what went wrong. How could we have missed the terrorism that was happening in the world? The 9/11 Commission indicted the CIA, basically saying, “You have a failure of imagination. You lost your way. You weren't open enough to see new possibilities. You couldn't imagine that terrorism was taking a different route, and you failed to protect the country.”

I thought that was a great example of the imagination gap and it happens in many organizations. I was at the CIA, because they had in that time figured out how to open themselves up, get more people in from the outside. They were bringing a business person in to talk about how do you think about change? How do you navigate your way through finding better ways of doing things? That that was very instructive that something as secretive and big and old as the CIA, who had to learn how to tap into their imagination.

[0:05:42.5] MB: It's a really illustrative story. I think the question that you posed, or the idea that you posed earlier in the conversation even is really important, which is this notion that our quest for certainty often ends up harming our imagination and hampering us from really achieving the possibilities that are out there.

[0:06:00.9] BC: Yeah. I've seen it. I believe it. I think it's a couple of things behind. I mean, we want a risk-free world, a risk-free life. To me, I thought a lot about this; risk is the will to act on imagination. Risk is the will to act on imagination. I know it and it ends up saving us, because if you can't risk something to try something for a better way, how are you ever going to get out of situations?

You may recall back in 2000 or something, there was a book that came out right after 9/11 and just looking at the economic issues. It was called The Black Swan. It was about these once in a thousand-year catastrophes. Well, how many times now do we see this every day? Every day is a thousand-year catastrophe.

I think the nature of change has changed a lot. In our hyper-connected world, things are just not more – are faster, but they're disrupting more. It's just that patterns are forming from all unlikely places and they emerge seemingly overnight. One, we're not out there in the world discovering, we're not paying enough attention, we can come back to that.

We're not willing to take a risk on something that isn't proven. We might see a pattern emerging. We might see something that looks odd, but unless we have empirical knowledge, or data, or else we say, “That doesn't apply to us,” or else we say, “That's a problem, but I don't have the solution,” or else we say, “I'm going to solve it the way I've always done.” What's emerging are new kinds of problems, new kind of issues and the old way is just not going to work. That's what I – I think what I wrestled with in business and I think in personal life, as well as just understanding necessary risk.

I met someone recently. He said, “My job is risk avoidance. What advice do you have for me?” I was like, “None. I have nothing to give you, except that you're going to fail. You cannot avoid risk.” To me, that was the premise of why I felt compelled to write the book, because I saw too often in established organizations, people become afraid to try even necessary risk. I'm not talking about bet the company, jump off the tallest building risk. I'm talking about necessary risk of what you need to do to move forward.

[0:08:20.3] MB: What did you tell the CIA to help them be more imaginative?

[0:08:24.6] BC: Well a lot of what they were looking at when I was there was just how do we see things earlier? How do we collaborate across units to solve common problems? I mean, the CIA I think has an unlimited budget in some respects. From a company perspective, you almost can't imagine. In some respects, I was suggesting some ways to bring teams together to share problems, to share discovery, to not have every unit off in their own doing their own individual things, to try to be much more collaborative to share the risk and reward within their organization.

They were already doing a good job of setting up some external networks; I encouraged them to keep doing more of that. I mean, the formula to me what I learned in the course of a career what I try to put out and imagine it forward is five key – they're not really steps, but five key elements. One, this notion of give yourself permission to try new things and new ways. This aid grab agency, which is ironic, you're talking to an agency, the notion of just discovery, that it isn't something you delegate. Everyone has to make room for discovery.

You have to invite in conflict. You constantly have to bring these sparks from the outside. I was there in that capacity. I think every organization needs to bring in outsiders who challenge their perspective. They need to go see things that are weird, but that notion of criticism and agitation and beating your ideas up, sparking a different perspective. The power of story; what’s your strategy? What’s your mission? Where are you going? Why? What problem are you trying to solve and why do you exist? How's the story that people can relate to that?

Then the last piece is just create a space where you can do a lot of experimentation, test and learn new kinds of partners, new initiatives, seed small projects, and that's a lot of what I ended up speaking to them about, about ways to create accountability, focus on the experiments, be able to take risk and fail in things. In fact, in some respects with them, their challenge was how do you create more constraint? Which for many companies, whether you're a small startup where you're incredibly well-funded, or a big company where you forget what it's like to be small, you need to put constraints in the system to challenge your thinking.

[0:10:37.6] MB: I want to dig in to a number of these different topics, but let's start out with the first idea, or really even coming back to some of the early themes from the book, this notion of reinvention and the various components around that. Tell me a little bit about that.

[0:10:53.1] BC: Well, I think because of this disruptive era we’re in, we all have to get good at change. I distinguish myself in GE and my career as somebody who sought out change, wanted to understand it, learn it early so we weren't surprised by it. I had to get good at that myself. It's about just unlocking your curiosity. At the heart of it is this just need to be more adaptable. If you're really rigid, you cannot keep up with the pace and disruptive nature of change.

That's at the heart of I think what I'm talking about is just do you have your own practice of adaptation? Do you? I mean, usually when the more successful people get, the harder it is to change their ways. When you got nothing to lose, often that's the time and I think in my career when I had nothing to lose or I worked with teams that had nothing to lose, those are the times that we took the biggest risks, because we were like, “What the heck? Who cares? Let's go for it.”

I do think that notion of being ready for change and creating a practice that makes you more adaptable is at the heart of the challenges that we have right now. It's in the face of right now with a lot of data, AI, a lot of people fearing that algorithms and robots are going to take their job. At the end of the day, if we're not – we’re left with our creativity, our strategic thinking, our creative problem-solving; those are the things that are going to get you through the disruption and the change.

[0:12:17.4] MB: What does that mean when you talk about having a practice or a process of adaptation?

[0:12:23.0] BC: It's just delegating your mind and your time to doing it. I'll give you a couple of examples. I think, this notion of a mindset shift is key. I always like the work of Carol Dweck, who's a professor out of Stanford who talks about a fixed mindset or an open mindset. To be change-ready, you have to open your mind up to new possibilities. You’re grabbing agency, giving yourself permission to open up. That's critical.

How do you do that? For me, I tap into my curiosity. I try to encourage those I work with. It's this idea of just getting out in the world and going and seeing for yourself. I think you have to make room for discovery. You have to get out in the world. Why? What are you doing when you do that? One, you're just seeing new things. You're going to places that challenge you where points of view contradict what you believe, places that it's weird, especially places that it's weird. What are you doing that you're learning, you're asking? I think you're building connections and seeing patterns.

I have a really simple method I use called going on threes. I actually carry a little notebook, or I make notes in my phone of interestingness. First time I'll see something out exploring, I'll make note that's interesting. Second time I'll ask, “Huh, is that a coincidence?” Third time, I'll declare it's a trend. I don't need it certified by any futurists. I figure out, “Okay, if it's related to work, what do we need to do to learn about this? How can we discover more?” Something personally, I want to learn about it.

I think most of us are stuck in doing things the way we always do, that we spend our time the same way. I guarantee, you have a small amount of your time. I always urge people, you have 10% of your time you can take back to go do these things. It can be as simple as walk a new route to work, drive a new route to work, explore something new. If you're traveling, you're going through the airport, you have nothing to do, you're going to be on the plane, there's no Wi-Fi, pick up a magazine that you would never read. I told someone to do this recently and she told me she picked up a wrestling magazine.

You're just trying to challenge yourself to just go out. I used to do this with the teams I worked with. We would do field trip Fridays once a month or once a quarter. We would just go out and we'd go to a new retail store. We ask and meet with a startup. You can see what's happening at a local museum. You're doing these things often together, but you can do this individually. You're just trying to see what's happening in the world. Then just to give everyone a challenge of how you might think about this, think back 10 years ago to something that seemed weird, or silly, or too far out, like that's never going to happen, and now it's mainstream. What do you think of?

When I think of that, I think of things like, I just got back from Las Vegas, there was the biggest cannabis conference ever; marijuana. A decade ago, you could not have imagined it being medicinal, let alone legal. I was with some folks in the beer industry recently and they were talking about how they were absolutely caught off guard, disrupted, flummoxed by craft beer. Well, it's not like these little brewers just emerged overnight on a hot plant and took over the brewing industry. They were knowable. You could have seen that pattern.

That's what I'm talking about. You just have to open yourself up, go to where things are different are weird and understand what you can start to learn. I think that's a critical element of a practice that you build. I do that. I have at least 10% of my time on any given week where I'm out discovering something new.

[0:15:58.6] MB: There's a great quote that touches on that, which is that the future is here, but it's just not evenly distributed yet.

[0:16:03.8] BC: Exactly. I love that quote. Exactly. You have to put yourself out there. I use a quote in the book from Joi Ito, who's the head of the Media Lab at MIT, a great future thinker. He calls it mushroom hunting. You're just out there. Often when you're out in the world, you're just looking at the patterns and you start to after a while, get good pattern recognition that you're able to see the mushrooms from the leaves. You have to do it a while to get good at that.

Another phrase I like along those is this idea of get outside the jar. Imagine you're in a pickle jar and you can't see the label because you're on the inside. If you get outside, you can see a whole new perspective. That's what I'm talking about. That's one thing anyone can do easily and I think everyone must.

[0:16:50.7] MB: I love even this simple idea of picking up a magazine or reading some content that's radically new or radically different from the ideas that you're typically exposed to.

[0:17:00.2] BC: I think you have to do that. I think in especially in the world now with just the political nature and people tending to choose their filters based on their tribe, if you will, I think it's even more important to understand what other people are reading, seeing, doing, so you're not surprised by it. I think there's also humanity and political reasons to be thinking about doing that as well.

[0:17:26.1] MB: I want to come back to some of the other themes or ideas from the reinvention segment of the book. One of them that I found really interesting was this notion of social courage. Tell me a little bit more about that.

[0:17:38.4] BC: Yeah. I love this idea. For me, it was a critical part of my early career especially. This notion, I guess in its purest sense, social courage is just that courage you have to have to connect with others to open yourself up to make genuine connections and to put yourself out there. For me, it was a particular challenge because I'm a reserved person, I'm shy and I'm also introverted. In building a career or just showing up in life, I'm never the life of the party. You're never going to go, “Oh, my gosh. She's so hysterical. She closed the party down.”

I would often, especially in the course of work, I would hold myself back. I wouldn't ask questions. I wouldn't suggest ideas, even though I had them. I was shy or felt quiet about it. This notion of social courage was something I had to learn to put myself out there to connect with people. As awkward as it was and sometimes still is. I had to get out of my head. I mean, it's real behavior change, small steps forward. That's what I did.

I had one incident I talk about in the book, where I was 30, I was working as a communications leader, manager level at Turner Broadcasting, the birthplace of CNN. Ted Turner was the founder. I worked there a year doing communications, including for him. I worked there a year and he didn't know my name. I realize it was holding me back once sitting with – an event where he was getting an award and I said, “Okay, I've got to change this. I'm going to introduce myself to him again.”

I did it very awkwardly. He went to the men's room. I was waiting for him when he came out of the men's room. I go to shake his hand. His hand was really wet. He's looking at me like, “What do you got?” I lost my nerve. He walked away. He never knew my name, but I was incredibly proud of myself as awkward as it was, because I did it. Rather than just standing against the wall and going, “Uh, he doesn't know my name.”

That was a good example for me of that as awkward as it was. It could have been a fail. Okay, he never knew my name. That was the spirit with which I undertook these small challenges and changes. I'm not good at parties, at networking events. I would go into them and stand by the chip ball or something and then go home. I had to change my tune. Again similar thing, I'm going to give myself a challenge. I'm going to go and I'm just going to meet one person, have a conversation as long as it lasts and then I'm going to go home. Next time, it would be two. Or I'm going to go to this meeting and today I'm going to ask – I’m going to do my homework and I’m going to ask a question.

Those are the behavior changes I had to make to get social courage. Because if I didn't do it, I was missing opportunities, I wasn't making connections. I look over the course of my career. I think what I'm – one of the things I'm most proud of is that I did open myself up. I did find little ways to put little tiny pockets of confidence and courage in my pocket when I needed them in those situations.

It’s the thing that to other people it sounds silly. “What? You're embarrassed to go introduce yourself to that person? Are you crazy?” To you, it's important. It takes a lot of courage sometimes to do those things, when other people may find them easy. There are a couple of messages in that, but I'm proud of myself that I overcame that. I still feel that way at times and I'm really proud that I opened myself up and I think I helped open up my company at GE to different, to things that were new, next, in a much earlier way. Social courage applies to companies too. It's not just the individuals.

[0:21:20.6] MB: I love this idea of a power of small challenges and how they can help you build up skills, especially social skills. we've had a number of past interviews that talk about this, and the idea of rejection therapy, which I don't know if you're familiar with or not, but the notion of –

[0:21:34.1] BC: No. Say a little more about it. Yeah.

[0:21:36.1] MB: Basically, the idea is you go and try to get rejected every day for X number of days. It can be as something as simple as asking for a free cup of coffee, or asking for a discount on something you're buying, or asking a stranger for 10 bucks or whatever it is. You keep doing these challenges to build up the tolerance of being uncomfortable in social situations. It's a great skill set.

[0:21:56.7] BC: That’s a good one. It makes me think of a career as an actor too where you're constantly being rejected, but it's different. You're talking about really that social engagement. You're building up your immunity a bit, is that right?

[0:22:08.5] MB: Exactly. Yeah, you're building up your immunity to discomfort, to embarrassment, to rejection, to all of these social things –

[0:22:16.0] BC: It’s interesting. Yeah.

[0:22:17.4] MB: - that it’s so easy to build up in your head.

[0:22:18.7] BC: For me, it was that curiosity that was the antidote for me, or the medicine, if you will. Because what I found happened to me, because I live in my head. I think many people do comes with that awkwardness of being shy, I think. I'm just always sussing out in my head what the other person is thinking and I'm thinking, “I'm sure there's no way they're ever going to want to talk to me, or they're going to think this question is stupid.”

I'm in my head and I'm not even listening to them. I had to once say stop, like that voice just drown, stop, but then did summon the curiosity, say it's not about what they think of me. What can I learn from them? Not just say, “What do you do? How are you? But what's interesting to you these days? What surprised you lately? What's your story?”

I mean, you have a certain amount of confidence to ask those questions, but you have much better conversations. Where did you grow up? Why'd you choose that? What's the best thing you've learned this year? Those were ways I got more of that courage and then confident, social confidence I think, because I just turned it out of my head and I wanted to learn. It was more what can I learn from them, as opposed to what am I saying about me.

[0:23:36.6] MB: In many ways, this this makes me think of another really interesting theme from the reinvention segment of the book, which is the idea of no is not yet. Tell me about that.

[0:23:45.8] BC: It's really setting this notion that I feel like I've encountered my whole career as somebody who's driven to find, make, champion change and innovate for new ways. There's gatekeepers and gatekeepers exist everywhere. By gatekeeper, I mean someone who protects the gate so you cannot get in here. They don't let you go through. You cannot pass, go. Who are gatekeepers? They exist everywhere. They exist in our own mind. This notion that I don't want a better way. I feel threatened by a better way, or imaginative thinking, or I have control. I'm just going to hang on to the control and the answer is no, you cannot do that.

I just started to realize that one, a lot of fear makes people act that way, or feeling of need of control. I also started realizing I had more power in those situations than I thought. I shared a story of I had a gatekeeper boss and he was a classic gatekeeper and I left my company, because I just thought he couldn't get around them. Over time, I developed this no is not yet resiliency when I realized – a story I was working at NBC and I went back and forth to NBC a couple of times, but I'd pitched this idea for the NBC experience store. I thought it was just fantastic. I pitched my boss and we did all our homework and he said, “No.”

Anyway, long story short, I pitched it three times. By the third time, he said yes. He looked at me and he said, “I wanted to say no, but you made it so darn hard, I have to say yes.” One, we made the idea better. That first time, that idea wasn't as good. He actually made us do our work. We made the idea better. Two, he was testing me and the team. Were we passionate enough about this to see it through? It wasn't the world's best idea, but were we committed to make it the best idea? He was testing us. I just can't tell you how many times I've seen that in the course of innovation work, where I see someone come in and pitch an idea. It could be C-suite of a company to somebody just starting out. They get told no and they go away and you never hear from them again.

You're like, “I thought you liked that idea? What happened?” Because they got no. To me, no is not yet. Keep testing it. Keep coming back. Okay, can't come back exactly the same way. Go do your homework. Get feedback. Come back. If you really believe it, keep pursuing it. That being said, you also have to have a strategy. If I was pitching NBC ice cream at the time, instead of the NBC experience store, that idea would not have been sound. NBC was never going to get in the ice cream business. Hopefully, I would have gotten feedback that said, “We're never going into the ice cream business.” There's also a bit of realism. Maybe if I wanted to create ice cream, I would I had to go somewhere else and I would have kept pushing it.

My point is a couple of things. My points are a couple things. One, is no really no. It usually isn't the first time. Test that if you're passionate about it. Don't wait for someone else's permission to act on your imagination. I mean, that's what I'm trying to say. In fact, I talk in the book and I use this with teams I worked with and even myself, this notion of give yourself a permission slip. It sounds so silly, but it's one of these little behavior hacks that I found works. You may recall from high school if you forged your mother's signature to get out of gym or chemistry or something, it's like that. I'm going to give myself permission to go back and try another – try it again. I'm going to give myself permission to go meet this person.

Just a little mental hack that says, “I'm committing to do this.” That's what you're doing, this notion of no is not yet. You're building up a resiliency. It may be that rejection therapy that you were talking about. It was my DIY way of getting to – overcoming rejection for the positive.

[0:27:38.8] MB: Yeah, I think they're very interrelated and connected in many ways. I thought the notion of the 3X rule was a really succinct way to think about it and realize that just because someone said no one time, doesn't necessarily mean you should give up. In fact, some of the richest, most exciting or interesting opportunities might come after several nos.

[0:27:59.7] BC: Yeah. I mean, to me, I supposed to work for one boss and I knew it would take me at least three times. One time, it took me about six years to get something launched. I remember once this colleague of mine, she looked at me and she's like, “You just don't give up, do you?” I don't think she meant it so positively, but I took it as a compliment. It was like, “I'm still here. I'm still believing in this.”

It's such as you on your own. Hopefully at that point six years later, or annoyingly later, you built people who also see that possibility. They've made it better. They've contributed. You've opened it up. You've built some momentum. That's a sign that you're onto something. If it's still just you out there on your own, it's a much harder way to build that resiliency and test those limits.

[0:28:46.0] MB: I think either way, the simple idea that just because you hear no one time doesn't mean you should give up is a very powerful notion.

[0:28:53.4] BC: Yeah, exactly. I think it's important for all of us, but it's hard to be told no. Do you believe it? To me, no is not yet. I hear it as an invitation. “No? Okay, I hear you. You're just saying not yet. Huh, okay, now how can I come back again in a way that they'll find it more – I can sell it better? Give me feedback. Let me go talk to somebody else. Let me do some more homework.” No, it's just not yet. Or the time could be wrong. I mean, how many times have we seen where you have a great idea, you're too early, or it's just the wrong time. I think some of those also requires you to be reflective and open to feedback and recognizing the fallacies of some of those things, so there's a humility in that as well.

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[0:31:04.6] MB: Let's change gears a little bit. I want to step into some of the other themes and ideas. Tell me about the notion of building bridges and not walls.

[0:31:13.2] BC: Yeah, well this is a hard one for me, because I think most people, when you fight for an idea or a different way, you get can be very tribal in your organizations. It's my marketing team against the product team, or it’s my town against your town, or whatever.

I didn't know this at the time but in looking back, I feel a way I built my career was as this outsider inside. I came from media into from NBC and to GE media, into this multi-industry company and industrial. I was a natural outsider. I came as a marketer in a tech company that had little appreciation, or even cared about what marketing did. I was a woman in a largely male engineering-oriented company. I was a creative person in this largely financing and engineering company. I had a lot of things that made me different.

I loved exploring outside and finding the trends and insights. I began to realize my role was as this outsider inside, the one who could bring the outside in and translate it in a way that the inside could understand, in language they could understand, then to build the bridges to that. What often happens when you're championing the new and I learned this very painfully is you become – you're trying to be the cool kid, the trendy one, the one who sees it first. People don't know what you're talking about. They feel excluded. It's your way versus their way, as opposed to trying to create the opportunity for joint discovery and learning together trying to solve a problem.

It's just me. It’s the backbone of what I learned in my career is somebody trying to push for new and different ways that be the cool kid is really a bad answer. Just because people need to change doesn't mean that they're bad, or that they have bad ideas and that they don't get it. Often, they have real criticisms that you need to understand. I found overtime and experience and confidence that really, my best success came from building those bridges, as opposed to building up the wall and saying, “You just don't get it, do you? I'm going to go do it on my own,” because it usually was never as good if the team and I did it on our own.

[0:33:40.1] MB: What were some of the strategies you use to get buy-in and to build those bridges as opposed to creating barriers?

[0:33:47.5] BC: Well, I'll use an example of what didn't work to get to what did work. In the book, I talk about agitated inquiry of a lot of the conflict that happens in organizations and anytime you're trying to go from the old to the new. I was at NBC at the arrival of digital media. This is when YouTube just came on the scenes. I was there. I came back from GE to lead digital media and it was very disruptive. People were afraid. I mean, they were cats playing the piano on YouTube. “Oh, my gosh. At one hand, that's cute. Hahaha.” “The other, it was really scary. We don't know how to do that.” People were very afraid.

I hired a lot of people from outside who had digital expertise. I was a marketer. I don't know digital technology. I depended on their expertise. Honestly, we set ourselves up as the cool kids. We knew the future. If you don't get it, you're just going to be left behind. Who wants to work with people like that? I think what we did a little bit but I could have done a lot more was create teams.

We ended up creating different streaming video services. One ended up being Hulu that was created out of the partnership outside of NBC, but we seeded it. I think what we could have done more of early in that is just found ways to build teams with the team forging the new and the team who have been doing it the traditional way. One, come together and say, “What problem are we trying to solve?” We're all trying to solve the same problem. Video streaming is coming. How are we going to do that successfully?

We could have shared resources better. Often in a case like that, you're fighting over who gets more budget to do what and you having to fund the new and yet the old thing makes more money for the company. Can we set up a special fund, a budget that is shared, so people don't feel they have to give something up to get something? Could we just spend time getting to know one another? I mean, these often sound goofy and work context of the bonding things you do, but it's important. Rather than fighting people about my idea or yours, or marketing versus sales.

Hey, they're real people. They have problems. I remember I talked about one leader I had real issues with. I lost sight of the fact he was a person even. We were just at war. It was his team against my team. I once was a friend of his and he was a great dad and he had been a cancer survivor. I lost the sense of humanity, even something as simple as like, “I could have taken him out for coffee,” as opposed to fighting in his office. What about instead saying, “Hey, this is dumb. Let's just go grab a cup of coffee. Let's cool off. I want to hear what's up with you.” You get caught up in the moment. You need to build those bridges.

Then the last thing I'd say that I found very effective in building those bridges were bringing in outsiders to provoke those conversations, so I didn't have to do it all the time, or so my team didn't have to do it, because they weren’t going to believe me anyway. Bring in an outsider with some expertise. I don't know, blockchain, Bitcoin is a good one in business right now. Are they going to listen to me who grew up in the company, or are they going to listen to somebody who's been investing or creating blockchain for a while and have them challenge him? That brings the team together. It's us against that. You're shifting your focus to the team together to that outside threat or disruption. Those would be a few of the things that I found helpful. I didn't do them all. I'm telling you, I learned them painfully. It's not like I know all those answers.

[0:37:12.5] MB: Really good strategies. It's so important to get buy-in from those around you. Oftentimes, the approach of direct confrontation is not the best strategy to do that.

[0:37:23.2] BC: It's not. I subscribe to this invite your critics in notion. It's really hard. I don't mean invite in just the total downers who hate everything. I mean, they're not helpful. The people who are critics, well they're smart, they're colleagues, why not ask them? Often, they just want to be heard. They have a different way. I found that they can become your best advocates. They can contribute the best ideas. One, they've been heard and they're just looking at it from a different perspective.

Again, in the heat of that, “Oh, God. I'm going to do it my way,” you lose that perspective. I think a lot of what I'm talking about this imagine it forward framework is just open up your aperture, open your imagination and let other perspectives in.

[0:38:11.9] MB: I want to dig into more into this idea of agitated inquiry that you touched on earlier and how to invite critics in the right way to beat up your ideas.

[0:38:22.4] BC: Well, I think one, you just have to say I need help. Hey, I find this a lot where I've done it, where you have a great idea you think, but you don't want to share it yet because you're afraid if you share it that somebody's going to steal it. Or maybe you're not going to get credit. If you do, you're not going to get credit for it. You hoard things.

I got feedback. One of the more formative feedback sessions I ever had was this exact point where people – my colleagues said in a 360 evaluation, they said good things about me, but I only really cared about the negative things. It was this. It was like, “Hey, you don't ask for help. You go at it alone.” You have to have everything perfect. They were right. I felt really stressed about having to have all the answers. When you start to realize that you got to invite in feedback the good and the bad, that criticism really stung.

I remember the HR coach who I had. It was an HR person at my company who gave me the feedback. He said, “Look, you got to get in there with your team. You got to say to them, feedback and criticism heard and accepted. I'm going to work to do better, but I need your help.” Although it was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but it worked. I feel it unlocked such a new path for me in my career in my life. I think that's part of that agitated inquiry is you're inviting feedback.

One of the hardest questions I adopted and I ended up liking in the course of business was tell me something I don't want to hear, and that's what happened at that 360. Tell me something I don't want to hear. Because usually I need to hear it and I probably know it's true, but I'm just avoiding it. I think that really harsh feedback in business it's important. Maybe your competitors are already doing it. Maybe your idea is just not that good.

I also think agitated inquiry of the inquiry part is about asking questions. It's that what we said earlier, it's not just saying questions to prove how right you are, it's questions to learn. What problem are we trying to solve? I found that was a great way to bring dueling, feuding teams back together. Are we even talking about the same problem at this point? Let's go back and reframe the problem. Are we agreed on that? Let's name it. Maybe we even name it something really silly, so we can all laugh at it and have fun with it. Again, you're just forcing a different perspective and refreshing the framework a bit. Those are things that I've found helpful to open yourself up to the agitation and the inquiry.

[0:41:00.9] MB: It's so important, because oftentimes we try to protect ourselves, we try to protect our ideas, even our own egos. By trying to hide from negative feedback or things that we disagree with, we're harming ourselves, we’re harming the quest for the best ideas and the best solutions.

[0:41:18.2] BC: Well, you said an important word there, Matt. I think the ego thing is a big part of it. If you really believe the idea, if you really believe in a better way, it's because you're trying to solve a problem. You see a need. You see something better. Ask yourself, “Is it really because it's my idea I want credit, or I want this to happen?” I had to learn that. Even still, we all want credit. We all want people think we're brilliant and smart and we come up with the good ideas.

Over the course of my career, I started to realize that the best ideas are shared because they really are. It's not just about getting the credit. Do you really want that to happen? The credit usually follows. People know if you were the instigator, the collaborator, the convener. If you do it enough times, people know. They start to come to you. “Hey, you’re always contributing to an idea. You always make an idea better. You always ask me for help. I'm going to come and ask you for help, so we can do this together.” I guarantee, it is a more successful path, even though at times you work with people, you’re friends with people who take all the credit you think, “Ah.” That’s not to say don't toot your own horn when you've done something well. I'm not trying to say that, but I think that word ego and my idea is something to really interrogate if you feel that in yourself.

[0:42:39.3] MB: This idea dovetails in many ways with another key point that you wrote about, which is the notion of acknowledging reality.

[0:42:46.6] BC: Yeah. I mean, I talk about it in a sense of magical thinking. Boy, I subscribe to it. I think organizations and work situations, you just start believing a version of the truth that you want it to be. You're not being truthful about maybe your competitive position, about what your strengths really are, about what your weaknesses are really holding you back. That's why that agitated inquiry you’re – tell me something I don't want to know, I don't want to hear.

You got to sometimes. Doesn't mean you have to always accept it, because maybe it's not right for your strategy, but that reality check, I've seen so many teams – you’re just almost like a superstition that takes over of if we change the way we're doing it, we'll never be successful. I saw this a lot with sales teams I work with; the lucky sales sweater. Or I worked with somebody who always wear yellow socks on the day of the big deal.

On one hand, that was great, because it gave them a sense of confidence and an optimism they felt needed. Okay, fine. It also can sometimes prevent people from trying things differently, or trying a different way to say maybe just because I was wearing the yellow socks, I'm still not effective, right? Anyway, I think you have to again, interrogate that and understand where it's coming from. I'm not wearing yellow socks.

[0:44:13.1] MB: You raise a great point, which is this notion of we often delude ourselves into thinking things, or the way that we want them to be, or the way that they “should be,” instead of the way that they truly are. That's often a dangerous place to be.

[0:44:28.0] BC: It is. I'm speaking too, as a marketer. To me, marketing is about making the market, living in the market. It's often shaping a market in business. Meaning, here's a vision, so we did with clean tech. Here's a vision, a cleaner future for industry. Now we have to shape, make it, shape it.

There is a part of that magical thinking, that exuberant optimism that's required to create things that don't exist. You have to see it before it's real. I think again, it's critical thinking to say, “Am I seeing things that are opportunities that can actually I can shape, or am I hanging on to something that's a superstition, or just a comfortable way of viewing it and it's preventing me from going forward?” I want to be clear. I think I think there are shades of similar thinking, but one's a more successful path forward than the other obviously.

[0:45:23.5] MB: That makes me think of another interesting idea that you wrote about, which is this notion of going boldly into the unknown. Tell me more about that.

[0:45:32.7] BC: I open the book with me talking about my divorce, which is not the way one would expect you to open a business book. Probably, I’m the only one who has ever opened a business book that way and it's really a very different book because of that. I'm very personal in it. I'm sharing my own stories. I talk about being in my mid-20s, my career just started and I was married and it just had a young daughter. I felt I was living a story that wasn't the story that I wanted my life to be. It wasn't what I was imagining the future would – how the future would unfold.

I got a divorce and decided to move forward as a young single mother just as my career was taking off. I had no idea what I was getting into. I mean, in some respects now I’m much older with that looking back, I would have probably advised me not to do it. I had to. I had to take hold of my own story. I had to create my path. I had to. I didn't have a roadmap. There wasn't a checklist someone gave me. I used that, because to me that was one of the defining moments of my life and explain it. It influenced me in business in the sense of I've been here before.

You have to make it work in some semblance of work. I had to make a life at work. I had responsibilities. I had to find a work path that would work for me and my daughter. You don’t have all the answers. If you're waiting for the perfect time, you're waiting for the perfect situation, it's not going to happen.

I was recently on a flight and the flight got delayed as most of us can commiserate with. The pilot came out and he said, “Okay, some bad news and some good news. The good news is we’re cleared to fly. The bad news is our autopilot went out. I am assertive. I'm certified to fly without autopilot. I'm one of the few pilots left in this airline who can do that. I'm so excited. I love flying this plane. I'm going to get you home well, but I'm really excited about this.”

I think that's it, right? I mean one, we felt comforted because he had experience, but are you on autopilot, or are you going to get out there and figure it out? This bold could be very relative. It could be very small or very big depending on your tolerance. Usually, there is no checklist. There is no rulebook. There is no this step, that step when you're navigating change. Take off the autopilot and just go for it. That is what I'm trying to say.

[0:48:00.7] MB: Another idea that I really liked was this notion of constraints being necessary for creativity. Tell me a little bit about that.

[0:48:08.2] BC: Well, back to that no is not yet, I also encountered and for myself as well just people all of us who feel like, “Uh, I don't have enough time, budget, staff, team, I don't have help, so I can't do that.” I've often found the most creativity comes from very tight constraints. If you grow a business, you need more money clearly. This notion of just constraints; I like the idea of freedom within a framework. You're very clear about here's the framework of our strategy of what we're trying to do. But within that, got to town. Be creative.

Often, you probably don't need as much money as you think. Let's say you're dreaming of building a business and you think you have to go Silicon Valley. You don't. If you live in Nashville, Boston, Austin, Portland, Maine or Oregon, often you can just start where you are. You don't have to wait for this, “I need funding. I need a VC to give me money.” Whatever it is, just start. Just start. See if you can get some traction. I guarantee you, you can just start some things. Now it's not to say at some point you don't, but it's a challenge to just say, “What if I don't need as much time as I think I do? What if actually I control the time and I can give myself more time? Who am I waiting to tell me it's okay?”

Again, it's just a simple concept of is it a constraint really, or are you just afraid to challenge it? Is it an artificial alibi if you know to hold you back? It is a real constraint, then challenge yourself to say how am I going to creatively solve this? I guarantee it's a good way to test your creative problem-solving.

[0:49:48.9] MB: For listeners who are listening to this interview and want to concretely implement or execute on one of the ideas that we've talked about today, what would be one action step or piece of homework that you would give them to implement some of the things we've discussed?

[0:50:03.2] BC: I'm going to give you two, because I think one is just ask yourself what's one thing you want to move forward on? It can be very small; you want to meet somebody, you want to test an idea, you want to write a poem, I don't know. Ask yourself what's holding you back? Give yourself – seriously get out that permissions slip, just write, “I Matt Bodnar, give myself permission to write this poem. As crappy, horrible, messy as it's going to be. I'm going to do it.” Just do it. It's just that simple.

You're not asking yourself to be Maya Angelou. You're just saying, “I'm going to go do this.” That would be my challenge. What are you going to give yourself permission to take a risk on a small step? It could be significant only to you. That would get it, how behavior change starts, one small step, one small piece of courage that you're putting in your pocket for later and remember, “Hey, I did that. I did that.” Next time, you're going to pull out of your pocket and do it again. That's what it takes. Just start.

[0:51:07.5] MB: For listeners who want to find you and your work online, what's the best place for them to do that?

[0:51:13.1] BC: I do quite a bit on social media, so you can find me in any of the social platform, especially I do a lot of back-and-forth engagement on LinkedIn. I'm on all of them; Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram, Facebook. I think that's probably the best place to go, it's @BethComstock is the best way to do the search.

[0:51:29.6] MB: Well Beth, thank you so much for coming on the show for sharing all these insights and all this wisdom with our audience.

[0:51:35.9] BC: Well, thanks for having me. I really appreciate the focus of what you're trying to do with your podcast. Thanks for having me as part of it. It really is – we have the power. We have the agency to make some of this change and it's exciting to hear that you're trying to drive that awareness.

[0:51:49.7] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners, master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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Remember, the greatest compliment you can give us is a referral to a friend either live or online. If you enjoyed this episode, please leave us an awesome review and subscribe on iTunes, because that helps boost the algorithm that helps us move up the iTunes rankings and helps more people discover the Science of Success. 

Don't forget, if you want to get all the incredible information we talked about in the show, links transcripts, everything we discussed and much more, be sure to check out our show notes. You can get those at successpodcast.com, just hit the show notes button right at the top. 

Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.


January 31, 2019 /Lace Gilger
Creativity & Memory
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How You Can Create Lasting Change and Effortlessly Alter Your Destiny with James Fell

January 24, 2019 by Lace Gilger in Focus & Productivity

In this episode we discuss what causes the big moments that can transform your entire life in an instant and we show you how to create that kind of motivation and inspiration in your every day life so that you can be more productive and happier. We also expose why the common wisdom about willpower and “ego depletion” is completely wrong and what you should do instead. All this and much more with our guest James Fell.

James Fell is an author, owner of BodyForWife.com, and science-based motivator for lasting life change. He is one of the most read health and fitness writers in North America and currently writes articles for the Los Angeles Times and Chicago Tribune. His work has been featured in numerous publications including TIME Magazine, Men’s Health, Women’s Health, and much more. He is the author of the recently released book The Holy Sh!t Moment: How Lasting Change Can Happen in an Instant.

  • When we have a transformative experience it’s not about behavior change, its about a change in your CORE IDENTITY or your VALUES

  • What causes the big moments that can shift or transform your life in an instant?

  • “I didn’t have to struggle with my motivation, it came built in"

  • The “crystallization of discontent” 

  • There are layers to the personality

  • Behaviors

    1. Belief

    2. Values

    3. Identity

  • Minimizing the discomfort of change so that it doesn’t combat your core identity to much 

  • In order to create lasting behavior change and form sticky habits its a slow and painful process

  • Identity and value change can happen in a flash, effortlessly 

  • Often identity change is like a volcano bubbling beneath the surface and then exploding 

  • Do we have to use willpower and grit? Do we have to tough it out and suck it up? 

  • The idea that people can’t change because they lack willpower is DEEPLY FLAWED 

  • The 1996 Case Western Study - would you rather eat chocolate or radishes? 

  • “Ego depletion” - the idea that willpower is a limited resource - is a flawed and dated idea

  • The 2 big flaws with the studies about ego depletion and willpower

  • “Probability hacking” - drudging through the data to FIND a result

    1. Publication Bias 

  • Willpower is often irrelevant to the equation of motivation

  • “Identity Value Model of Self Control” - those people who engage in behaviors that are directly in line with their identity are far more successful in sustaining their behaviors and seeing results

  • Willpower training and efforts to increase willpower have never shown any effect

  • “Willpower is an irrelevant concept”

  • Having to power through and do things you hate has negative mental and physical consequences 

  • The “Rage to Master” and how it drives people to work relentlessly on things they are overwhelmingly passionate about 

  • Rather than trying to CREATE GREATNESS - find the thing that makes you WANT TO CREATE GREATNESS - the field that naturally makes you want to strive for greatness 

  • What If I’m SUPER passionate about Watching TV of Playing Video Games? Or eating donuts.

  • Happiness vs Flourishing 

  • Happiness is a state of mind - it’s temporary

  • What really drives people is flourishing - finding something where you a contributing to your own wellbeing and the wellbeing of others

  • “Inspiration favors the prepared mind” 

  • The science of epiphanies and eureka moments - how you can prep and prepare your brain for insights 

  • What could I accomplish if I had an endless fountain of motivation to do it? What could that be?

  • What’s holding me back from that?

    1. Who do I look up to?

  • Life changing epiphanies typically happen after you’ve done deep analytical preparation work 

  • THEN - you distract yourself. Analyze and then DISTRACT yourself. 

  • “Creative incubation” 

  • The answers don’t come when you’re trying to solve the problem, they come later when the conscious mind is distracted. Go for a walk. Do something to distract yourself. You can’t be listening to a podcast, listening to an audiobook etc - you can’t be distracted in any way. 

  • You have to get inside your own head and let data meander and collide until you see a novel solution.

  • "We do not know what egg we’ve been sitting on until the shell cracks.” T.S. Elliot

  • Embrace the audacious.

  • “Most people tip toe through life trying to make it safely to death."

  • What if life could be more of a thrill ride? 

  • How do you make rapid mindset shifts that immediately change your life?

  • Keys to creating life changing epiphanies

  • Understand and believe that it can happen to you

    1. Engage in mental contrasting - focus and find the roadblocks to achieving your dreams 

    2. When you fantasize about your goal attainment you demotivate yourself to actually achieve it 

  • You may need to do some uninspired work for a time to realize and understand what truly has meaning for you - to find or uncover a "sudden gain" in motivation 

  • Homework: As soon as you finish listening to this podcast, go lie down in a quiet place with no distraction. No TV, no radio, no phone, no one talking. Be alone with your thoughts for ten or fifteen minutes and free associate, think about anything. 

  • It’s possible your mind is already prepared for a transformative moment - just give it the opportunity to listen and come out! 

    1. Spending time alone with your thoughts is WHEN you get these breakthrough insights and creative bursts

    2. The more focused you are, the less likely an insight is to happen. 

    3. Lay in bed for 5 or 10 minutes with no phone when you get up tomorrow

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We’re proud to announce that this week’s episode of The Science of Success is brought to you by our partners at Athletic Greens!

Athletic Greens is offering our listeners 
20 FREE TRAVEL PACKS, a $79 value, with your first purchase when you go to www.athleticgreens.com/success.

Start this year off with a new incredibly impactful and easy to maintain healthy habit with Athletic Greens. The fact is, the perfect diet doesn't exist, and ultimately falls short due to a busy lifestyle, travel schedule or restrictive diets. That's why Athletic Greens packs in 75 whole food sourced ingredients and covers you in 5 key areas of health, making it one of the most comprehensive supplements on the market.

Show Notes, Links, & Research

  • [Article] Ego Depletion and Self-Control Failure: An Energy Model of the Self's Executive Function by Roy F. Baumeister

  • [Article] Replication project investigates self-control as limited resource - from Science Daily

  • [Article] Finding the 'Self' in Self-Regulation: The Identity-Value Model by Elliot Berkman, Jordan Livingston, and Lauren Kahn

  • [Book] Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap and Others Don't by Jim Collins

  • [Book] The Eureka Factor: Aha Moments, Creative Insight, and the Brain by John Kounios and Mark Beeman

  • [Book] Wired to Create: Unraveling the Mysteries of the Creative Mind by Scott Barry Kaufman and Carolyn Gregoire

  • [SoS Episode] The Shocking Counter-Intuitive Science Behind The Truth of Positive Thinking with Dr. Gabriele Oettingen

  • [SoS Episode] Self Help For Smart People - How You Can Spot Bad Science & Decode Scientific Studies with Dr. Brian Nosek

  • [Personal Site] Body For Wife

Episode Transcript


[00:00:19.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[0:00:11.8] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success; the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than three million downloads and listeners in over a hundred countries.

In this episode, we discuss what causes the big moments that can transform your life in an instant. We show you how to create that motivation and inspiration in your everyday life, so that you can be more productive and happier. We also expose why the common wisdom about willpower and the concept of ego depletion are completely wrong and what you should do instead; all of this and much more with our guest this episode, James Fell.

Do you need more time? Time for work, time for thinking and reading, time for the people in your life, time to accomplish your goals? This was the number one problem our listeners outlined and we created a new video guide that you can get completely for free when you sign up and join our e-mail list. It's called How You Can Create Time for the Things That Really Matter in Life. You can get it completely for free when you sign up and join the e-mail list at successpodcast.com.

You're also going to get exclusive content that's only available to our e-mail subscribers. We recently pre-released an episode in an interview to our e-mail subscribers a week before it went live to our broader audience and that had tremendous implications, because there is a limited offer in there with only 50 available spots that got eaten up by the people who were on the e-mail list first.

With that same interview, we also offered an exclusive opportunity for people on our e-mail list to engage one-on-one for over an hour with one of our guests in a live exclusive interview just for e-mail subscribers. There's some amazing stuff that's available only to e-mail subscribers that's only going on if you subscribe and sign up to the e-mail list. You can do that by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the home page.

Or if you're driving around right now, if you're out and about and you're on the go, you don't have time, just text the word “smarter” to the number 44-222. That's S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44-222.

In our previous episode, we discussed how to break into careers in tough industries, the skills it takes to succeed in difficult circumstances, how to deal with the difficulty of constant rejection, how to build the muscle of determination, a hack for switching your thinking that can make it much easier to face challenging situations and rejection and much more with our previous guest, Alex Grodnik. If you want to know what skills it takes to get your dream job, listen to that episode.

Now, for our interview with James. Please note, this episode contains profanity.

[0:03:01.4] MB: Today, we have another exciting guest on the show, James Fell. James is an author, owner of bodyforwife.com and science-based motivator for lasting life change. He's one of the most read health and fitness writers in North America and currently writes articles for the LA Times and the Chicago Tribune. His work has been featured in numerous publications, including Time magazine, Men's Health and much more. He's the author of a recently released book, The Holy Sh!t Moment: How Lasting Change Can Happen in an Instant. James, welcome to the Science of Success.

[0:03:35.0] JF: Thanks so much for having me on, Matt.

[0:03:37.5] MB: We're really excited to have you on the show today and to dig into some of these topics. To start out, I'd love to just begin with this idea of life-changing moments. How is it possible that massive change or lasting change can happen in the blink of an eye?

[0:03:56.6] JF: Well, the interesting thing is that when we have a transformative experience like this, it's not about behavior change. It's more about an alteration in your core identity and your values. Those are things that happen because of some either a massive flash of insight into your life, where you've suddenly achieved the solution to problems that have been pestering you, or it can even be mystical in nature, where maybe you feel that there was an otherworldly presence that commanded you to do something.

Regardless of the sensation as to where you felt it come from, they're incredibly powerful, emotional experiences that have a tendency to – it's like carving a new purpose into your being, like a chisel working on stone. When something like that happens, there's this overwhelming sensation that you just feel that you have to go in this new direction. These are not things that happen slowly. It's not adopting new habits where you're a tortoise, not a hare, or taking baby steps. It's something that happens so rapidly that you cannot help but notice. People find them incredibly motivating where when an event like this takes place, they feel they must fulfill this new mission, or vision that they've had.

[0:05:15.9] MB: What are some of the primary things or experiences that can trigger these kinds of moments?

[0:05:22.5] JF: There's lots of different things that can take place. Sometimes maybe it's a health scare, or there's an example in the book where it was a positive pregnancy announcement. The pregnancy announcement is a good one, because that relates directly to identity change. It was a man named Chuck Gross, he weighed over 400 pounds. He'd been heavy his entire life. He had tried and failed to lose weight many times.

Then there was this unexpected announcement. His wife comes out of the bathroom and says, “I'm pregnant.” The first thing that happened was there was an overwhelming sense of joy, because he was very excited about being a father. Then the next thing that happened was that he realized in a moment that this time he was going to lose weight. He just knew it was going to work. It was a fait accompli. That was because there was an identity change that took place in a flash. It was like he went from not a father to, “Hey, congratulations dude. You're going to be a dad.”

That also transformed his values, because for him something very important to him, he loved the idea of being a thin and healthy dad that could roughhouse with his kids and live a long time and be there for them and all that stuff. He wanted to be this high-energy dad that that was what held tremendous value for him. It did shift everything about his personality in that regard in a moment. He told me – this is a direct quote from Chuck where he said, “I didn't have to struggle with my motivation. It came built-in. It came built-in, because the behaviors, your actions, your attitudes, your beliefs line up automatically with that core identity.” He said he never struggled from that day forward. He lost over 200 pounds. He's kept it off more than a decade.

To continue on and answer your question, there can be other things where you reach something of a breaking point, or there's all sorts of little problems in your life where it's called crystallization of discontent. Maybe there's these different problems if you look at them individually one at a time, they don't seem they're that big deal. If they crystallize together, where the whole becomes greater than the sum of its parts, suddenly you just say, “Okay, enough of this. I need to go in a new direction.” You're suddenly – a window opens on a new path that you can take and the positive benefits of doing so were so overwhelming that you have no – you feel you have no choice. You got to do it.

[0:07:50.4] MB: Well, I think you made a really important point as well that these big shifts are not necessarily about behavior change, but it's rather about identity change.

[0:08:00.5] JF: Yeah, that refers to social psychologist Milton Rokeach’s model of personality. It's like that line from Shrek, where he says to donkey, “Ogres are like onions.” Well, people are like onions too. If you cut them, there's going to be some crying, but that's not my point. My point is that there's layers to our personality. The external layer is the behaviors and the actions. You go down a layer and then you've got beliefs and then you've got attitudes and then there's values and then there's identity at the core, the self of who you really are.

When we focus strictly on external layer behavior change, it essentially involves suffering. That's why we preach baby steps of minimizing the discomfort of change, so that it does not combat with your core identity too much. If you try and change too many things all at once, you show up hungover on January 1st with your first session on with Attila the trainer, all while quitting smoking, quitting drinking, eating healthier all in the same day, that's a recipe for a crash and burn, because you're just looking at those behavior change that is in opposition to what your identity and your values are. If you go through this shift in the much more powerful internal layers, then the external layers just come into line naturally.

[0:09:27.6] MB: I love this notion of making a shift deeper down at a deeper layer and then the natural change in beliefs and behaviors, etc., flows out of that.

[0:09:38.0] JF: Yeah. Like I said, it's the opposite in terms of rapidity with the way that it happens. Behavior change in order to stick, in order to drag yourself over a motivational tipping point and form habits to become sticky is a slow, painful process. Identity and value change is one of those things that can happen in a flash effortlessly.

I mean, sometimes the homework to get you to that point, or the struggles that you've gone through for your life, it's an erupting volcano. It's been bubbling beneath the surface for months, or years. Then all of a sudden, it explodes in an instant. It can be surprising. If you really look deep within yourself, you can realize that this has been building for a while. This storm has been coming.

[0:10:31.2] MB: Before we dig into that and I definitely want to dig into this idea of how we can engineer and create those identity shifts, but before we spend some time on that, I want to come back to this notion that if we don't change correctly, our core identity will push back or resist these changes. Tell me more about this.

[0:10:51.3] JF: Well, it has to do with the concept that we need to use willpower and grit and power through and suffer and suck it up and all that concept, that really the idea that people that can't change just lack in willpower is rather deeply flawed. There's an interesting study that was conducted back in the 90s that I think sent a lot of people on the wrong path.

It was in 1996 where researchers at Case Western Reserve University in Ohio took a group of students and well, they were pretty mean to them, so half the students – these weren't starving students, but there were definitely hungry students, because they were told to show up hungry in order to participate in a study about taste preferences.

Half the students get put in a room where they have – the room smells have freshly baked chocolate cookies. Lo and behold right in front of them, there is a plate of those cookies, plus a bunch of other chocolate treats. There is also a bowl of radishes in the room. The researchers say, “You guys can have all of the chocolate you want, but don't touch the radishes. You got to resist the radishes.” These guys are like, “Yeah, no problem.” They started stuffing chocolate into their face holes like the apocalypse was imminent.

The other group of students was not so fortunate. They go into the same room, smells like chocolate cookies, there's piles of chocolate treats. They make a beeline for the chocolates and the researchers say, “No, you can’t have any chocolate, but over here you can have all the radishes you want.” These guys were like, “No, man. We want chocolate.” They're like, “Sorry, man. You got to resist the chocolate.” It's much more challenging when you're hungry to resist chocolate than it is to resist radishes.

Afterward, they made both groups work on an unsolvable puzzle. It's like that time when your sister moved around all the stickers on your Rubik's Cube and the sides would never line up again; that that type of a puzzle that just could not be solved. They found that the ones who were made to resist chocolate gave up on the puzzle sooner. They posited this hypothesis that they called it ego depletion. They said that willpower was a limited resource that could get drained throughout the day. Like when you had a crap day at work and you hit the liquor store on the way home, instead of the gym.

They said that if you have to engage in a lot of efforts that require your will throughout the day, then you're going to run out and later on it's hitting the couch with a six-pack and a bag of Doritos. There were other studies that followed that supported this concept of willpower is a limited resource and ego depletion, but, big but here; there was two things wrong with these studies. At the time prior to the 20th century, a lot of studies engaged in what is called probability hacking, which is where you dredge through the data looking for something of statistical significance.

That's what these guys were doing. It's like, “Okay, let's see what we can find that we can report on, so we can get published, because publish or perish, right?” They did that. Plus, there is that nasty thing called publication bias. Sure, there's a few studies that get published in scientific journals that show that this ego depletion is a thing. What about all the others of which there was many more that conducted similar studies that showed no such effect? Those ones don't get published.

That was one of the things that led people to believe that willpower was this limited resource and that you needed to be very careful to parse out tiny drips of it over the day that – and not changed too much all at once. Now instead, and also to what happened recently just within the last couple of years, there was a major study by researchers. I think it's at Curtin University in Australia that did – that looked at all of those old ego depletion studies. They used new methods of statistical analysis to get a more realistic understanding of what the data meant.

They found that ego depletion was either not a thing, or barely a thing. Other studies showed that ego depletion was something that could be a self-fulfilling prophecy. As an example, if you tell someone this activity is going to energize you for doing other stuff afterwards. They would do that activity and they would be energized, because power of suggestion. If you told another group of people that the same activity was going to de-energize them, they were de-energized. It's totally open to suggestibility.

They've just discovered that ego depletion really wasn't a thing. Instead, what it depends on is your internal drivers, your passion. There are people who are singularly motivated to do something where they will do it until they pass out sheer physiological exhaustion. They have no psychological exhaustion, because they want to do it so badly.

There's been nights that I've stayed up until 3:00 a.m. writing, because I was on a roll and it's something I'm really excited about. Willpower was irrelevant to the equation. It's called the identity value model of self-control. That was a 2016 study that was done that showed that those people who engage in behaviors that are directly in-line with what their identity is, that they're far more successful in sustaining those behaviors and working hard at it, because as an example, it's their passion. The other thing is that willpower training efforts to increase a person's willpower have never shown any measurable effect.

There's been multi week-long studies that try to train up a person's willpower and it doesn't work. It's an irrelevant concept, where instead you really need to focus on looking at those internal drivers. I'll say one more thing about to really trash on the whole concept of willpower, was that there was some studies that have been done of these were lower socioeconomic status youths that lived in rather desperate circumstances. The ones that were able to resist the pull of things like alcohol and drugs, even though they were in in an environment that was – that really had a tendency that pushed those things towards them, that yes, they did end up better off, because they were able to do that, because it was a constant daily sense of harassment on their psyche that they had to choose this different path in life, it was physically unhealthy for them.

It had negative cardio metabolic effects. I think it said something about shortening telomeres or something, which has effects the length of your life. It’s just having to power through and do things that you hate that suck day after day after day, it's not good for you. It doesn't work that well.

[0:18:38.3] MB: Such fascinating research. That was a really great breakdown of the science and why willpower is a flawed concept. It's interesting, reminds me of a previous guest we had in the show and we'll throw this episode into the show notes. We had Dr. Brian Nosek, who spearheaded the reproducibility project, where they went back and they took a lot of psychology studies and that had been created because of things like a publication bias and probability hacking, these kinds of things. Went and tested them again. A lot of cases found some of those results were deeply flawed.

[0:19:12.2] JF: Yeah. That's exactly what I was talking about with they called it the replication crisis, I think.

[0:19:17.4] MB: That's right. Yeah. That's exactly what it was. That's really, really interesting. Let's dig in a little bit more into this. Correct me if I say it incorrectly, but this idea of the identity value model of self-control.

[0:19:30.1] JF: It really boils down to what we're passionate about. A lot of it can have to do with a sudden insight into our lives and who we are and what it is that we want to get out of it. Sometimes it can be anything where you decide to change careers. It can be an entrepreneurial venture. I had one about – I had a very successful business career and I reached a point where I just realized, I don't love this work. I make a lot of money at it, but I don't love doing it.

Life is too short to spend the majority of my waking hours engaged in something strictly for a paycheck, because I have this other passion, a skill that I'm good at that I think I can make money on. As soon as I made the decision to become a writer, I never worked so hard in my life. I worked way harder at being a writer than I ever did as a marketing executive. Not only that, but I wanted to get really good at it. That's called rage to master, where you have this skill that you feel that it's an innate talent, or a talent that you've developed, but it's not good enough. You've got to get better at it.

In some ways, it can become all-consuming, so you need to be a little bit careful that you don't ignore your family. That is one example of it. Another example can be that the way that you view yourself, for example we've found that having to engage in resistance for treat foods as an example, is futile. That if you view yourself as someone who likes to eat junk food and it's nearby, you're going to eat it.

However, if you view yourself as someone who doesn't eat it, or only rarely eats it, there is no resistance to engage in, because of the way that you view your identity. Same thing that happens with smokers; people who think of themselves as ex-smokers who still crave that cigarette have a much tougher time with quitting, than someone who says, “No, I'm a nonsmoker now.” That's just, “I am a person who will never smoke again.” That simple mindsets switch is something that's very powerful, because the temptation no longer exists for them.

[0:21:55.9] MB: Just clarifying one thing and then I have a follow-up question. You said it was called the rage to master?

[0:22:01.2] JF: Yes, rage to master. That's not necessarily the greatest term, but it's just one of those things where you're overwhelmingly passionate of having to develop a skill. We see it quite often with musicians that they have to perfect something on the piano, or guitar, or something like that. It can happen in anything, where you have this skill that you know you're good at and you want to be your absolute very best. We see it with athletes as well.

[0:22:32.7] MB: What if my rage to master is something like video games?

[0:22:37.1] JF: That works. I mean, there's guys on YouTube that make a lot of money at that.

[0:22:42.2] MB: It’s a good point.

[0:22:44.1] JF: If it's your thing. The thing is these things don't have to make money. Some people just want to get really good at guitar and they're never going to make a dime at it. A book that I love that I quote a number of times in my book is called Good to Great by Jim Collins. It is a business book and it's about corporate change, but it can also apply to personal change.

It's one of those things where it says rather than trying to create greatness, find the thing that makes you want to create greatness. It's not about greatness for greatness sake, it's about finding something that makes you want to create greatness. If it's one of those things that you need to make a living at, then you look at things, “Okay, what can I be best at? What can I do where I can really blow away the competition? Is it financially viable? Is it one of those things that can make money?”

I wanted to be a writer. At first, I wanted to be a novelist, but having an MBA and having worked in marketing, I did a business case analysis and realized you know what? Most novelists worked full-time jobs, because it does not pay well. I mean, except for the elite few. Your chances of making a living as a novelist are quite remote. I thought, “Well, I want to write full-time. I want to quit this job that I'm not in love with and do something that I love all the time.”

I realized, “Okay, health and fitness is something that I'm really good at, I know a lot about and I think I can –” Rather than just writing a novel a year, there's myriad opportunities to make a lot of money; there's freelancing, there's speaking, there's consulting, there's blogging. I saw so many different potential revenue streams. I said, “Okay, fine. I'm not going to – maybe I'll write a novel when I retire. For right now, this is a way I can write full-time and make money.” It was pushing my economic engine and it was one of those things that I knew that I could be better than most other people at and I was still really excited to do it. It didn't have to be a novel. It just had to be writing.

[0:24:42.5] MB: What about, and I'm taking this to its logical extreme, but I'm curious what your perspective is. What about someone who who's really passionate about something, like watching TV and they just want to sit around and watch Netflix all day long and they have that – I don't know if that's a skill you could even master. What I'm trying to get at is there a cut-off where you decide that that activity is not productive, or not worth investing in, or how do you think about that?

[0:25:10.0] JF: I think if somebody sits on their butt watching Netflix all day, they're not happy about that. I don't think. I mean, deep down they realized that they're probably wasting their life. I like Netflix myself. I like watching TV at the end of a hard day. I feel like I've earned it at the end of a hard day. Someone that has no ambition to do anything other than watch TV, I expect if they started looking below the surface, they would realize that there is discontent there, that maybe they wish that they were getting up and doing more with their lives.

I would encourage them, start looking at finishing the latest marathon season of You, or Jessica Jones, or whatever the latest thing is that's on there. It’s not an accomplishment. That's not something that gives you purpose. People need to start examining, “Okay, what could my purpose be?” There's actually a section in the book that talks about happiness versus flourishing. Happiness is largely a state of mind. Yeah, maybe watching lots of Netflix makes you happy, but what really drives people is flourishing, which has more to do with looking at what your capacities, your talents, your callings are and using that as a way to find purpose in life where you do something that contributes to your own well-being and the well-being of others. Maybe you could even go on to do something that changes the world.

[0:26:37.7] MB: I want to dig into that concept a little bit more and generally zooming out, coming back to the section of the book around the idea of finding purpose via epiphanies.

[0:26:49.4] JF: Sure. What is it that you'd like to know?

[0:26:52.4] MB: I guess, I just want to explore this topic a little bit more. Tell me more about the notion of flourishing. For somebody who's listening to the show who's thinking, “I don't know what my purpose is. I don't know what fills me with the rage to master, for lack of a better term.” What advice would you give to them, or what strategies would you recommend?

[0:27:10.3] JF: Oh, I see. I see. Sorry, so it has to do with – there's a saying that goes inspiration favors the prepared mind. There's an entire chapter in the book about the neuroscience of the life-changing moment. There's a there's a great book called the Eureka Factor by psychologist John Kounius and Mark Beeman, that did used fMRI and EEG brain scanning to look inside the heads of people that were having these sudden epiphanies, these sudden insights.

One of the things that they discovered is that insights can be prepared for, that you go through an analytical phase, where it's essentially a learning process, where you're thinking about okay, you're looking at your life, what you've done, what you could possibly do, to start asking yourself the question of, “What could I accomplish if I was suddenly overwhelmingly inspired to strive for it? If I had an endless fountain of motivation to do something, what could that thing be?” You start asking yourself questions like these.

Then you start asking yourself questions like, “Well, what's holding me back? What are my friends doing that I admire? Who do I look up to? Who are my idols?” Those types of things. Read books, just gather lots of information. That's not when the life-changing epiphany strikes. That's the analytical phase. Actually, analysis constricts your thinking. It's a state that is actually the antithesis of having the epiphany, but you're preparing yourself for it.

Then this is the critical component, you need to engage in distraction. It’s analyzed and distract, you analyze until you get stuck and you think, “Okay, I still don't know what the answer is.” Then there's all sorts of things that you can do that are distracting in nature, because the answer to the problem of your life that you're trying to solve does not come while you're actively trying to solve that problem. It happens when you go for a walk or take a shower; shower thoughts, or a big one.

Here's a critical thing about that going for a walk, great thinkers across the ages have extolled the virtue of a walk out in nature for spurring creativity and spurring insight. However, those great thinkers were – no offense Matt, they weren't listening to podcasts while they were on those walks. It needs to be a situation where you get to be alone with your thoughts. You can listen to music, but you don't want to be distracted. You have to get inside your own head and let these various bits of data that you've been collecting meander and collide, until the solution gets presented to you, saying that this is your calling, this is what you need to do.

Or you can meditate, or you can pray, or you can just lie on the couch and engage in some free association. You need to give yourself a chance where you're not checking your phone, or you're not watching TV, or you're not listening to the radio or something like that and let that answer come to you.

[0:30:28.6] MB: That's such a great point. I love the notion that inspiration favors the prepared mind. It reminds me of some scientific research and I don't know if you came across into this and doing the work for this, but there's a phenomenon called creative incubation, which is a very similar process and essentially the idea is that you feed inputs into your brain consciously and then you take a conscious break away from whatever you're working on. Then when you come back to it, or revisit that topic at a later time, typically your subconscious has processed and recombined and worked on these ideas. Then when you when you revisit them, you have these breakthrough insights.

[0:31:07.0] JF: That's exactly what I was talking about as an incubation period, that one of the books that I reference that discusses that is by Scott Barry Kaufman, called Wired to Create. It's a book that I actually really recommend as a companion to mine. I would say that they're quite complementary, because these sudden insights are a creative process. It's the same thing as if you're trying to figure out what to write about, or what painting to paint, or the answer to even a mathematical problem involves creativity, finding of the answer to the problems of your life, or what you're going to do when you grow up or where you need to put your energies towards, the answer is creative in nature. Also, this really is about spurring creativity.

There's a thing about that. There's a great quote by T.S. Eliot that he said, “We do not know what it is we've been sitting on until the shell cracks.” You don't know what the answer is going to be, that's why it's a sudden insight. That's why you have to wait for it to arrive. You need to be ready to embrace the audacious. You need to be ready to say, “When this answer arrives, even if it sounds a little crazy, the thing about these sudden insights is the overwhelming sense of rightness associated with it.”

The psychologists that I mentioned earlier that used the brain scanning technology, they found that the people that achieved answers to word problems be a sudden insight. First of all, they knew they were right. Second of all, they were right. They had a much higher accuracy rate than the ones who solved the word problems via steady analysis. It comes with when you get this life mission to deliver to you, you just know that this is the right thing, that you've got to do it. That's why it's so motivating, because you feel like, “I've got to do this. It feels like the right thing to do.”

There's another quote that I have in the book that was from radio personality, Earl Nightingale, and said, “Most people tiptoe through life, trying to make it safely to death.” I'm like, “Okay, well I guess that's fine if that's what you want to do.” I would say to listeners, you should consider what if you could make it unsafely to death? What if what if life could be more of a thrill ride? There may be something deep down inside you that others don't see and maybe even right now you don't recognize that it's there, but it can wake up all of a sudden and the world better watch out.

[0:33:46.7] MB: Really interesting. Really inspiring. Both of those quotes I think are fantastic.

[0:33:53.6] JF: I got one more good quote for you from Steve Jobs. “You don't have to be pushed. The vision pulls you.” That's it. That's a whole quote. That's why I wrote the book.

[0:34:06.6] MB: Today's episode is brought to you by our amazing sponsor Athletic Greens. I've used Athletic Greens for years to make sure that I'm on top of my game. I'm sure you've heard about it from other experts like Tim Ferriss, or even previous Science of Success guest, Michael Gervais.

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[0:35:26.7] MB: The other piece of this that you touched on, but I think bears digging into or repeating is the importance of cultivating the skillset of creativity. That's something personally that's been super interesting to me for the last couple years. I've spread a dozen books on it, done a ton of research and homework and really dug into it is how do we be more creative and how do we build that creative muscle? Because no matter what you're dealing with, it's such an important asset to have.

[0:36:00.1] JF: I think on that note, one of the things that I think stifles creativity is the desire to be like everybody else, to give in to societal demands and not be thought of as weird. I mean, my job is very creative. When I first became a writer, a year after my first article was published, I had a column in the Los Angeles Times. This is despite being a Canadian, living in Canada, an LA Fitness Mecca had no shortage of fitness experts there, but they gave me a column because they liked the way that I approached it, because it was different and it was weird and it made them laugh. I came up with stories that nobody else was writing for them. They said, “Yeah, we like this guy. We want him to be are our health and fitness columnist.”

I think that Lady Gaga became famous because she was very talented, but she was also – nobody had ever seen her before. The same thing happened with Madonna way back that people aren't looking for the same old. When I was younger, when I was in middle school I was bullied a lot, because I was weird. I didn't fit in. Later on, okay I had to realize that there was a time and place for that weirdness. You don't wear it on your sleeve, but I was able to take that later on and turn that into a career that I love and happen – my work happened to resonate with a lot of people.

[0:37:28.7] MB: We've talked about this toolkit and started to get into this already, but I want to come back to a fundamental question and ground this for the listeners so that they have a really understanding of how to implement this. For somebody who's listening who wants to start to create these mindset shifts, start to create this rapid identity change, how would you recommend from a practical standpoint starting to implement this? You can be with either in general terms, or even with a specific example, whether it's weight loss, or taking on a new business project, or a side project, or anything that you think is a good example.

[0:38:08.4] JF: Okay, well I'll give you a few different tips for listeners today. One is that this is the most important one, you have to believe that it can happen. These things happen all the time. There's no shortage of evidence of people having a transformative, life-changing epiphany that gives them a quest, that leads them to just tremendous success. If it can happen for other people, I know there's a cliché, but it can happen for you.

One of the researchers I spoke to, William Miller who the co-founder, co-creator of motivational interviewing, he told me that as many as a third of people have these life-changing epiphanies during their life and that's without even trying. If you start actually trying to have one, your likelihood that you're going to have one can go way up. You got to believe that it can happen. Don't ignore it if it does happen.

More concrete steps that you can take, one is to engage in what psychology professor Gabriele Oettingen refers to as mental contrasting. She wrote a book called Rethinking Positive Thinking that I recommend. What it is about is being careful about what it is you fantasize about and how you fantasize about it. As an example, say the first thing you need to do is really come up with, a dream a wish that is dear to you. Not what other people want you to do, but something that you know that deep down you would love to be able to do this and it would have deep meaning for you.

However, be very careful about the way that you approach your dreaming about this. Don't fantasize about attainment of the goal. The reason why is that this grunts counter to that whole oh, you got to keep your eye on the prize, positive thinking stuff. The reason why is that Oettingen’s, Professor Oettingen’s research has shown that people who fantasize about their goal attainment demotivate themselves to chase the goal. The reason why is you get a virtual reality experience of having achieve the goal without having to do any of the work.

It's okay to imagine a little bit about how great it's going to be, but then you've got to put your mind in a different space. That space is the roadblocks to goal achievement. You need to figure out okay, if this is a really important dream of mine, if this is a wish, a goal that I would really love to attain, you need to deeply analyze why you haven't. Why aren't you doing it? Why aren't you chasing this goal right now? Look at the obstacles. Look at the roadblocks. That is where not just your focus, but your fantasization should be, which is you imagine breaking through those roadblocks, either going around them or through them. That's what you think about is the doing the work is where your fantasy should be and seeing yourself, seeing a vision of yourself doing what it takes to reach that goal.

The last bit of advice that I would have is imagine that motivation for goal attainment is like a mountain. If you have zero motivation to work toward this goal, you're down at the base of the mountain. The peak of the mountain is ultimate motivation to do all the work with inspired rigor. If you're at the base of the mountain, you don't just sit there and wait for a life-changing epiphany to suddenly Star Trek transporter device your butt all the way to the top. That can happen, but it's less likely than if you started to hike a while.

Figure out what the steps are. You may need to do some uninspired work for a time to realize that this process has meaning for you. Then suddenly, that motivational transporter device can pick you up and transport you, either all the way to the top, or much higher towards the top. It's it's called a sudden gain in motivation. Those sudden gains in motivation are more likely to come if you're already engaged in the process, rather than not engaged whatsoever. The analogy that I would use to that, the whole Aesop's Fable tortoise and hare thing is that you're behaving like a tortoise, but you're thinking like a hare.

[0:42:35.7] MB: Great pieces of advice. We actually previously interviewed Gabriele Oettingen as well and we'll make sure to throw her episode in the show notes for listeners who want to check that out. I think this is so important. Even the last point you made is a great one, which is this idea that you might have to do some uninspired work in the beginning. You might have to start as you put it, hiking before you really start to get to the meet and uncover what truly gives you meaning, what truly motivates you.

[0:43:05.1] JF: Yeah. One of the reasons why I wrote this book was because I had a transformative experience in my 20s, that I was drinking too much, I was flunking out of university and I was in debt and just miserable and unmotivated. Then I had this sudden transformative experience that really changed my life in terms of school. I went from flunking out to doing great and I got myself out of debt.

Then after I graduated with my first degree I was like, “Okay, I'm pretty heavy. I should probably see if I can lose some weight.” I started working out. I hated it at first. I was not into exercise at all. It took a couple of months of really dragging my butt to the gym and not liking it at all. Then all of a sudden I realized, “You know what? Today did not suck.” With that realization, that it went from totally sucking to not completely sucking. I realized that if it could not suck that I could one day really learn to love it.

In that moment, there was a sudden flash of insight where I said, “I will work out until I die. I'm just going to keep doing this forever.” That was 25 years ago and I'm still going strong. I went for a run this morning, so I would say so far so good.

[0:44:23.6] MB: For listeners who want to start concretely implementing the ideas we've talked about today, what would be a piece of homework that you would give them as a first action step to starting to execute on these themes?

[0:44:38.5] JF: Oh, there's so many different pieces that I can give. You know what? I would say that the first thing that they could do is as soon as they finished listening to this podcast, go lie down in a quiet place where there's no distraction; there's no TV, there's no radio, there's nobody talking in the background and just be alone with your thoughts for 10 or 15 minutes, just free-associate and think about anything that you want. Because here's the thing, that we talked about homework, we talked about the analytical phase, the inspiration favoring the prepared mind. It's possible your mind is already prepared. You the listener has a lifetime of experience already that you could have this transformative moment right after you finish listening.

Go lie down and get used to just letting it – the answer could arrive very quickly. Give it a shot, because you never know. If it doesn't, well then you do some of that analysis and then try that distraction again. Go for a walk outside. Remember, leave your phone at home. Get used to either meditating, or praying, or just spending this time alone with your thoughts, because that's when it happens. Then there's too many people that are afraid to be alone with their thoughts. They need that constant voice in their ear, or text, or Facebook notification, or snap chatting, or whatever it is, that you need to get away from that, because when you're texting with somebody is not when it's going to happen.

[0:46:18.1] MB: Such an important lesson to not be distracted. I'm definitely guilty of this as well as constantly wanting to have something on, constantly wanting to be listening to a podcast, or learning, or watching a YouTube video, or whatever. It's these moments of quiet contemplation that often lead to the biggest transformations.

[0:46:35.5] JF: That's exactly it. It can come when you're cleaning the toilet. It can come on a walk. Another thing is when you wake up first thing in the morning, the thing is that the more focused you are, the less likely it's going to happen. You want to be in a very relaxed and even a drowsy state, so when you wake up first thing in the morning, don't get out of bed right away, don't reach for your phone, just lie there for five or 10 minutes, because that is a very relaxed easy-going state. That's the time that these types of things can pop in.

[0:47:08.5] MB: Y made another great point, which is that for somebody who's listening to this, your mind might already be prepared to have this transformative insight, but it's just a question of whether or not you've given yourself the opportunity to listen and hear it.

[0:47:25.3] JF: Yeah. Mine happened and my big one, the one that really changed my life was at 22. There was another woman that I interviewed for the book, Kathrine Switzer. She was the first woman to officially run the Boston Marathon back in 1967. She had won at the age of 20, that would motivate her to go on and change the world.

[0:47:45.7] MB: It's fascinating and it's such a great toolkit and it's a great lesson as well. James, for listeners who want to do some more research, want to find more of you and your work and want to find the book, where is the best place for them to do that online?

[0:47:59.2] JF: The best place to go would be my website, which is bodyforwife.com. That's wife with a W. There's a books tab where I have links to every possible platform that they could buy it on, including audio. If people didn't mind the sound of my voice, I did do the narration for the book, if they want to listen to it as an audiobook. I also have quite a popular blog there. I've got a few million readers each year. There's blog posts that are all over the map, but I do talk about motivational inspirational stuff on my blog there. Visit my website.

[0:48:32.9] MB: Awesome. Well James, thank you so much for coming on the show for sharing all of these insights and ideas. It's been a great conversation.

[0:48:39.8] JF: Thanks so much, Matt. I really enjoyed it.

[0:48:41.4] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners, master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.


January 24, 2019 /Lace Gilger
Focus & Productivity
ALEX GRODNIK-01.png

Simple Career Advice To Get Your Dream Job and Thrive in Any Industry with Alex Grodnik

January 17, 2019 by Lace Gilger in Career Development

In this episode we discuss how to break into careers in tough industries, the skills it takes to succeed in difficult circumstances, how to deal with the difficulty of constant rejection, how to build the “muscle” of determination, a hack for switching your thinking that can make it much easier to face challenging situations and rejection and much more with our guest Alex Grodnik. 

Alex Grodnik is the COO at the fin-tech startup Payclub. Alex holds a finance degree from UCLA Anderson and has spent the past 9 years in investment banking, digital media, business development, and more. He is the host of the “Moving Up” podcast by Wall Street Oasis where he interviews business leaders to learn and share their secrets to success and life.

  • What does it take to get a job at one of the toughest industries in the world 

  • From sending out hundreds of resumes amidst the financial crisis - what does it take to really succeed in finding the career you desire?

  • Always be moving the ball forward - leverage any possible way you can to get into the door 

  • Be dogged, be determined, don’t take no for an answer

  • Unique outcomes, huge life changing moments, don’t come from your first trial or your first failure 

  • How do you deal with the challenges of constant rejection?

  • It’s all about practice and getting reps - getting reps getting rejected and building that muscle of determination 

  • Every no gets you one step closer to a yes 

  • If you’re afraid of something, exposing yourself to it will actually lessen that fear 

  • What’s the conversation rate of the activity you’re working on? It’s probably not 100% - Its probably really close to 5% or 10% 

  • Everyone is so caught up in themselves that they aren’t paying attention to you 

  • You have to expose yourself to discomfort to become stronger and to become anti-fragile 

  • Evolutionarily we’re programed to be risk averse - and yet the risks today are so much lower than they were thousands of years ago - and yet we constantly stay within what’s comfortable to us 

  • The benefits of being rejected - Confidence, Humility, Seeing the world in a positive light 

  • The goal is to reduce the fear of rejection by constantly exposing yourself to it

  •  The risk reward of rejection is massively in favor of getting rejected 

  • Homework: Start small and get rejected now

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Show Notes, Links, & Research

  • [SoS Episode] Stop Being Afraid To Be YOU - The Power of Bold Authenticity with Dr. Aziz Gazipura

  • [SoS Episode] Your Secret Weapon to Becoming Fearless with Jia Jiang

  • [SoS Episode] Three Dangerous Ideas That Are Putting Our Society At Risk with Dr. Jonathan Haidt

  • [SoS Episode] Embracing Discomfort with Matt Bodnar

  • [Book] The 4-Hour Workweek: Escape 9-5, Live Anywhere, and Join the New Rich by Timothy Ferriss

  • [Podcast] Moving Up

Episode Transcript


[00:00:19.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[0:00:11.8] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success; the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than three million downloads and listeners in over a hundred countries.

In this episode, we discuss how to break into careers in tough industries, the skills it takes to succeed in difficult circumstances, how to deal with the difficulty of constant rejection, how to build the muscle of determination, a really cool hack for switching your thinking that can make it much easier to face challenging situations and rejection and much more with our guest, Alex Grodnik.

Do you need more time? Time for work, time for thinking and reading, time for the people in your life, time to accomplish your goals? This was the number one problem our listeners outlined and we created a new video guide that you can get completely for free when you sign up and join our e-mail list. It's called How You Can Create Time for the Things That Really Matter in Life. You can get it completely for free when you sign up and join the e-mail list at successpodcast.com.

You're also going to get exclusive content that's only available to our e-mail subscribers. We recently pre-released an episode in an interview to our e-mail subscribers a week before it went live to our broader audience and that had tremendous implications, because there was a limited offer in there with only 50 available spots that got eaten up by the people who were on the e-mail list first.

With that same interview, we also offered an exclusive opportunity for people on our e-mail list to engage one-on-one for over an hour with one of our guests in a live exclusive interview just for e-mail subscribers. There's some amazing stuff that's available only to e-mail subscribers that's only going on if you subscribe and sign up to the e-mail list. You can do that by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the home page.

Or if you're driving around right now, if you're out and about and you're on the go, you don't have time, just text the word “smarter” to the number 44-222. That's S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44-222.

In our previous episode, we looked at how to live a happy, healthy, successful life from the inside out. We explored what it means to have an integrated brain, looked at lessons across vastly different scientific disciplines and share the accessible, simple strategy you can use in 20 minutes to integrate the most important learnings from scientific research, to create an integrated brain, body and mind, to improve your health happiness well-being and success with our previous guest, Dr. Dan Siegel. If you want to have a healthy happy brain, listen to that episode.

Now for our interview with Alex.

[0:02:59.9] MB: Today, we have another exciting guest on the show, Alex Grodnik. Alex is the COO at the FinTech startup Paylub. He holds a degree in finance from UCLA Anderson. He spent more than nine years in the investment banking industry, digital media, business development and much more. He's the host of the Moving Up podcast by Wall Street Oasis, where he interviews business leaders to learn and share their secrets to success and life. Alex, welcome to the Science of Success.

[0:03:23.4] AG: Thanks so much for having me. Excited to be speaking with you.

[0:03:25.7] MB: Yeah. I think this will be a really interesting conversation and definitely relevant, especially to some of our younger listeners as they're formulating their careers and deciding what they want to do with their lives. I'd love to hear your story and your journey about how you got into the investment banking world and how the challenges around that presented themselves and how you overcame them and then ultimately, what some – of the lessons that came out of that would be.

[0:03:49.4] AG: Yeah. I grew up on the west coast, actually in a small ski town Park City, Utah. I didn't really know any investment bankers. That wasn't a thing that people did in Utah. For whatever reason, I knew that that was what I wanted to do. Maybe it was a prestigious job. There was something inside of me. I always wanted to go work at the top level of high finance. Everyone in my family was entrepreneurs, so no one had ever worked for anybody.

My parents and uncles and stuff would always say, “Oh, yeah. Wouldn't it be so great to go work for Goldman Sachs, or JP Morgan?” They always thought that was the glamorous side of the world. Fine, for my basically my entire childhood, I've always thought, “Okay, I'm going to go to a good school and then I'm going to go get one of these hard-to-get, prestigious banking jobs.”

I left Park City. I went to school in Pennsylvania to a small school, Lehigh University. They had a pretty good track record of placing people into Wall Street. Everything was going according to plan. Then as I was getting ready to graduate, it was also 2009 and the economy was melting down. It was a little bit more difficult to get that banking job than I had originally anticipated that it would be. I mean, our career fair was the day after Bear Stearns collapsed.

It wasn't the best time to be graduating, but this has been one of the through lines of my entire career in life is that you got to face head-on into rejection. That's when the interesting outcomes can happen. I said, “Okay, this is just another hurdle that I can overcome, a challenge.” I said, “Great, let's go see what I can do here.” I can't even remember how many resumes I sent out. I mean, multiple hundreds, and phone calls. I mean, no one was hiring. They didn't even know if their firm was going to be in existence.

I’m trying to get to – my first job was a little bit scary, but I was able to do it. I got a job at JPMorgan in their asset management group and they really beefed up the analyst program. There was a 150 people in 2009, because it turned out that that was a big piece of the bank's revenue in 2009. Everyone wanted to go to the safest bank and that was JPMorgan.

While it wasn't that investment banking job I thought, “Okay, this is great. I'm working for one of the top banks. I'm in their analyst training program. I got three months of training in New York and the job was originally supposed to be in New York.” I said, “This is great. I'll go do this and then I can transition into the investment bank, or I can go get my MBA, whatever it was.” It turned out that that was pretty much the case. I did that job for about two and a half years. I actually had to move to Detroit, because they didn't have a spot in the New York team, and so I moved to Detroit after three months of training.

Then I was able to move out to Los Angeles. I followed my now wife out here who's from LA, so I moved here for love. I did was a three-year analyst program. I did it. As I was finishing it up, I was still really focused on getting that hardcore investment banking job. I had my boss at JPMorgan. He helped make some calls around LA. I got a couple interviews. It just so happened that Houlihan Lokey and they're, what's called financial restructuring group, we can get into what that is, but they had a need. I stopped working at JPMorgan, moved a couple of buildings over in Century City, which is where all the finances in LA and went to work for Houlihan Lokey for about a year and a half; that hardcore analyst training program, working 100-hour plus weeks, getting yelled at at 3:00 in the morning and building pitch decks and Excel models and meeting with CEOs and working on buying and selling businesses; really the exact skill set and experience that I had wanted for my entire life.

Like I said, I did it for a year and a half. It's funny what happened while I was doing that, because that's – I mean, I think I was 23 when I got that job. For 23 years, that was a job I wanted. I got it. Then once I had it, a really strange thing happened. I realized that I don't really like this job. I don't know if this is what I'm meant to be doing. I was pretty lost, because basically everything in my life was always built up to that. That was who I was. If I wasn't going to do that job, who was I? What was I supposed to be doing?

After that, it was a couple years of soul-searching and business school to figure out what was right for me. Now we can get into it, but I'm on this entrepreneurial path and I can talk about how I came to that. Basically, I'm fairly certain, very, very highly certain that this is what's right for me.

[0:08:18.8] MB: There's a lot of themes to unpack from that, especially what happens when you get to the peak and realize you don't necessarily like it there. Before we get into any of that, I want to go all the way back. I want to come back to the trenches of being a senior in college, trying to figure out – you have this career path that you've set out for yourself. I actually had a very similar experience, because I graduated I think the same year as you, right in the midst of the financial crisis. It was really, really tough to find a job.

When you were going through that, what did it take and how did you deal with that uncertainty, the challenge of trying to get a job in one of the toughest industries in the world in the middle of the largest financial crisis in the last 100 years?

[0:08:59.8] AG: Yeah. I didn't know this going into school, or really even coming out of school, but there's what's called target schools. If you want to work in investment banking, there's five or 10 schools that these investment banks recruit at every single year. If you go to one of those schools, great, you've got super lucky. All you have to do is submit a resume. The bank comes to your school, they interview people and you can get the job.

If you don't go to one of those target schools, it is an extreme uphill battle trying to just to get the interview. Then once you get the interview, it's pretty level set. You can sell yourself there and try to get the job. The only interview from non-target school is if they don't hire someone from one of their 10 target schools.

Like I said, I didn't know that. I had no idea how the process worked, and so I just was determined to get one of these jobs. I think that naiveness, naivety, whatever it is, that's required, and you look at startups. You just don't know any better. You don't know how the world works, how things are supposed to be and just put your head down and just hustle and go until it happens for yourself.

Like I said, hundreds and hundreds of e-mails and finding ways to get to people and asking people for introductions and combing through LinkedIn and trying to see who works where and sending them a little personalized e-mail and saying, “Hey, can we grab a call for 15 minutes?” Or someone that went to my school, or someone that – just any type of warm introduction you can get. Then you go through the process. You have an e-mail exchange, you try to get a call. From the call, you try to get an in-person meeting. Then from that in-person meeting, you try to get an interview. From that in-person meeting or interview, you try to get – you're always moving the ball forward. That's what it took.

I had so many calls, so many interviews. It's all just learning and process as you go. I mean, the success rates are not high, Matt. I mean, you're going to get sub 5%. If you're lucky, if you're doing everything, great. 95% of the time you're going to get told no, or just not even responded to. You got to develop a pretty thick skin for it.

[0:10:56.0] MB: Were you at one of those target schools, or did you have to create the job interview from outside of the system?

[0:11:02.5] AG: Yeah. No, Lehigh is a good school, but no it's not a target school from the investment banking perspective. This is like a bunch of the Ivy League schools, University of Pennsylvania probably being the best one. Then out in LA, USC and UCLA are both schools. Yeah. No, I was an outsider. Like I said, it's dog in this, it's hustle, it's finding a way just to not accept no for an answer.

If you have that determinist, you're just not going to hear no, you're not going to accept that no, then hearing no doesn't get you down. My brother, he's an actor out here in LA. I can tell you in his profession, he gets told no more than anyone I ever know. He's had to develop a de-sensitivity to it, because if you let all these nos seep past your skin, you're going to start to question, “Well, is this what I should be doing? Am I even good at this? What if I never get a yes? That's what stops a great outcome.

A great outcome never comes from, “Yeah, I applied for a job. I got a yes. Now my life is easy.” There's no easiness to life. You're going to hear hundreds and hundreds and if not thousands of nos. The unique outcomes, the huge life-changing moments, they don't come from your first trial and success and failure. You need hundreds of failures to hone your pitch and hone your strategy and get to the right place and get to the right people. That's just how it works. That's life, Matt.

[0:12:24.6] MB: I think that's a really critical point, which is this idea that greatness or achievement or whatever the big outcomes you're looking for in your life don't come from the first trial and the first failure, right? It's usually like – it's like 10, 20, 30, a 100 plus failures down the road before you really start to crack through and start to really find those actual opportunities.

[0:12:45.7] AG: Well yeah. I mean, some people probably get lucky and their very first startup they do turns into Facebook. That's not the case. I mean, you look at the founders of Uber and the founders of most startups, they have several unsuccessful – several failures that took years and years of their life and hard-work and probably gray hair and divorces and everything else, before you get to that outsized outcome.

If it was easy to get to that outsized outcome, it happened on your first or second try, then everyone would do it. That's why the rewards are so great. They reward the people that are able to hear no 10,000 times and persist and persist. That's the way that the universe is set up.

[0:13:23.5] MB: How did you cultivate that persistence? How did you deal with the constant rejection and the challenges of just trying to even get an interview, let alone, then succeed in the interview and then succeed in the job, etc.?

[0:13:37.1] AG: Yeah. It's a great question. I've since put a name and a process around what I had at the time. I now refer to it as rejection therapy. During the time, I had no idea what I was doing. It was just practice. It was getting reps, like you would if you were a quarterback of a football team, they talk about you need reps with the offense and you need to see actual game time. As you get that practice, your brain matures and you're able to see things differently and feel differently.

Yeah, in business school I really – I came to the realization of what it was inside of me. At the time, I just I just called it determination and that I just wasn't going to accept no for an answer. I think my dad instilled that idea in me. Like I said, he's been a serial entrepreneur, just failure after failure, went after the next. I mean, now he's had some good successes, but he's 60-years-old, so it took however long, I mean, 40 years of working to get to that point. That's a long time, but he always told me, “You just can't take no for an answer.” If you hear no, that just gets you – I viewed it as every time that that just got me one step closer to a yes. I just learned a little bit and maybe I expanded my network. I kept pushing forward.

Now this process of rejection therapy, which I call it as – it's the same thing as really anything else in life. If you're afraid of something, then exposing yourself to it is going to desensitize yourself to that fear. I have a buddy that I actually worked in banking with. He just took some time off to go travel the world with his fiancé, and they spent a lot of time in South America and they were camping and they were in the forest. He said, “Alex, I was so afraid of spiders before I went on this trip. Now I've lived in the rainforest and I've seen spiders the size of my face, that a little spider back here in LA it doesn't even faze me.”

I thought, “Wow, that's – You're right, that's interesting.” Rejection is no different from spiders, from germs, from whatever you're afraid of. If you expose yourself to being rejected all the time, eventually and not even after that long of time, you're just not going to care about it anymore. You're not going to be afraid of it. You're going to put yourself out there in life and just not be afraid to hear no, which is unique. Most people don't have that.

[0:15:53.4] MB: I love the idea of getting reps in and practicing to build that muscle of dealing with discomfort and rejection.

[0:16:02.0] AG: Yeah. If you look at the conversion rates, like you have a job, you work in sales and you work at a retail store, or a software company or something and you're calling people and selling to people and you're going door-to-door selling stuff. You hear these great stories, like Mark Cuban famously started off his career selling garbage bags door-to-door. I mean, think about how many times the doors were closed at him, like who's buying garbage bags from a door-to-door person?

Think about someone coming to your house and trying to sell you something, some orange cleaner or something, which they came to my house the other day. They probably have to be getting told no. I would think at least 99 out of a 100 times. The willingness to go forward after getting the door closed on you 99 times, that instills something in you. When you get that success, how good does that feel? How great is it? You realize that you're able to do this.

If you look at the conversion rates across industries and from nonprofit, financial services whatever it is, they're all sub 10%. These people are making a hundred calls and getting 90 rejections. What is it that keeps them going? It's that they've had this practice, these repetitions in doing it and they're not afraid of it anymore.

You are at your high school dance and you're standing on the other side of the room of a girl, or a guy and you don't want to go up to them and ask them, that's just because you haven't asked a 100 people. Have you already asked a 100 people to dance and 90 of them have told you no, you would really not care by going up to that 91st person saying, “Hey, do you want to dance?” Because you're just desensitized to the fear of it.

[0:17:36.8] MB: I like that idea as well, the idea that once you understand and I mean, sometimes you may not have perfectly clear data around what it is, but once you understand the conversion rate, it really clarifies things and you realize that in order to get the 10 people to say yes, you need to have 90 people say no. You have to churn through those, your conversion rate on really almost any activity is very rarely going to be a 100%. Yet, so many people often have the expectation that when they do something, if it doesn't work out the first time, or the second time, or the third time, they give up, or they think, “Oh, I can't do that, or I'm not good at that, or that's not for me.”

[0:18:11.8] AG: Right. Back to my brother the actor, he sends e-mails to people and tries to get jobs and coffee and whatever he can. He says, “Alex, yeah Joe Schmo didn't respond to my e-mail.” I say, “Okay, Jake. You sent one e-mail. You need to send two, three, four e-mails and then you can move on.” Just getting told no once and saying, “All right, that's dead,” I mean, that's crazy. You have to persist.

Getting to this rejection therapy framework, what's really cool about it is just like the school dance analogy is the first piece of it is you're going to get a huge amount of confidence. You're going to start to realize that, “Okay, I've got to hit my numbers. I got to be able to get my whatever it is, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 99, nos before I get this yes.”

As I'm going through this, probably at no 10, I'm not going to care anymore. I'm just going to have this extreme amount of confidence to go through life and just start asking people for whatever I want. That's one of the cool byproducts of it is is the first one is you get this great confidence to start going through life with. The second piece is this humility. We haven't really discussed this yet, but you start to see the world in a really positive life. This humility comes from the fact that like, think about when I was in business school, I'd be sitting in a class and I think of a question to ask and then I would say, “Oh, well. Is this a good question? What are my classmates going to think about this? Should I raise my hand? Should I put myself out there?”

What you realize is that no one cares about your question. It could be the dumbest question, it could be the smartest question, but everyone is so caught up in thinking about themselves and if they should be asking a question and what they should be doing, that you asking some question in class or the way your hair looks, or what you're doing is no one really cares. Once you start to go through this, yes you get the confidence, but you get the sense of humbleness that like, “Hey, I'm not the center of the universe. I'm just someone here and no one's judging me and caring about me the way that I'm caring about myself.”

Then the last piece of it is I alluded to, is you start to see the world in a positive light, because as you're going through this rejection therapy process, so we can get into how you can actually do it, but as you're looking for no’s, I'm saying,  “Hey, can I have a discount on this? Hey, can I borrow a dollar?” If you get that no, then boom, you got the rejection and you win for the day. You start to get a lot of yess’s. People want to help you. People go out of their way to help you.

As you're going through saying, “Hey, can I have this? Can I have that?” Then you're expecting no, you get a lot of yess’s. You're like, “Wow, the world really is a great place.” People want to help you. There's some pretty cool byproducts of also just wanting to get this – your numbers and hit these rejection therapy marks.

[0:20:58.0] MB: I want to get into some practical strategies for implementing rejection therapy. Before we touch on that, I think I wanted to just echo one of the things that you said, which is when we're following up on trying to get a guest on the show, for example, and oftentimes it is somebody like a big-name guest; Carol Dweck for example, is one of the guests that we'd really wanted to get on the show for a long time. We followed up – I mean, we have a strategy, a minimum strategy that we followed 13 times before we'll give up on a prospect.

I think we followed up like 17 or 18 times with her before we were able to get her on the show. Finding new angles, new ways, whatever it takes, and I would just echo that same thing that if you're giving up after one or two tries, you're missing out on a huge, huge array of opportunities. There's magic on the other side of that rejection and that discomfort once you break through it.

[0:21:46.2] AG: Yeah, absolutely. Sending 17 e-mails you might be thinking, “Oh, am I annoying this person? Is this bad when I'm doing?” I can guarantee you that most of the time, the other person is not thinking about what you're doing. They're busy in their lives and they didn't respond to the first 10 e-mails. When you send them that 11th or whatever is, 12th, 13th, 18th, 17th e-mail they're like, “Oh, yeah. Look how persistent this person is. I like that. Maybe there is something interesting here. Sure, I'll send them a quick note back and we can jump on a call and get this ball moving.”

Sometimes that's just what it takes. You're right, these outcomes on the other side, nothing good happens without hard work. If there's something there, it's worth working hard for. I have the same process. I use an e-mail tool and a calendar tool that keeps me abreast of like, I'll send an e-mail. If I don't get a response in 10 days, I get that e-mail back in my inbox so I can send a follow-up and I can send another follow-up and another follow-up. You just have to keep pushing forward. You have to keep that persistence, because that's – nothing great is ever built without persistence.

[0:22:51.2] MB: It's funny, we had a couple weeks ago, we had Jonathan Hyde on the show and he talked about the importance of being anti-fragile. Even looking at it from a biological perspective, he used the example of peanut allergies in the immune system and basically said peanut allergies are on the rise, because for a long time people didn't introduce their children to peanuts at an early enough age, right? When you try to shelter, when you try to protect yourself, you end up becoming more fragile and weaker. When you expose yourself the things that are difficult, things that make you uncomfortable, that's how you – as you put it Alex, you get those reps in.

The first time, the fifth time, maybe in the 10th time you play with a spider, or make a sales call or whatever, it's really scary. The 100th time, or the 300th time you do it, it's getting pretty easy. The 1000th time you do it, it's boring, right?

[0:23:42.7] AG: Yeah. That's how humans are programmed. We’re programmed to survive. We don't like putting ourselves outside of our comfort zone, because think about how many thousand years ago, you get eaten by a dinosaur, or crushed by a lion. Those things were dangerous. Now that the outcomes are much less severe, but our brains perceive them as the exact same; we like staying inside of our comfort zones and going to see a spider, or touching the thing that has germs all over it, or getting rejected, all those things our brains tell us, “No, don't do that, don't do that, don't do that.”

You have to evolve. You have to change your wiring to not be afraid of those things, because if you do, the outcomes can be so incredible. If you don't and you stay in your house and you don't ask that person out on a date, or you don't ask for more money at your job, or you don't ask to have someone on your podcast 17 times, then you're never going to. It's just not going to happen.

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[0:26:01.1] MB: Let's get into some specific strategies for practicing, getting those reps and practicing, implementing rejection therapy into our lives.

[0:26:10.4] AG: Yeah. Really, the goal of it is very simple. It's to reduce the fear of rejection by exposing yourself to it. We've been through the benefits, the confidence, the humility, seeing the world in a really positive light. Fine, that all sounds great. How do I go do that? I talked about the timeframe for this. The timeframe is you can do it for 30 days. By day five, six, something like that for the first week, it starts to just be formulaic. It's not difficult at all. It doesn't it doesn't take a hundred reps of this.

The way you do it is you got to put yourself out there and you have to ask for things. You have to say, “Hey, can I have a discount when I'm buying my sandwich at lunch?” The funny thing is when you ask for that discount, I can tell you so many times, probably half the time, “Yeah, sure. I can give you 10%.” You’re like, “Wow, I just saved a dollar off my sandwich. Cool.”

Then I still got to go find some other way to get rejected, but can I borrow a dollar? Will you take a picture with me? I've asked, can I play just the first hole on a golf course? I like golf. Can I cut you in line? I mean, I've had a story. I cut a three-hour long line for this ice cream pop-up in LA just by asking. You're still going to get that that no. You end up getting all these yess’s. Basically for 30 days, every day, at least once per day, you got to hear a no. You got to be rejected. That's the way it works. That's the therapy.

[0:27:30.9] MB: Yeah, it's such a great tactic. The funny thing about it – I mean, I've practiced rejection therapy a number of times and it starts to get really fun and exciting. It seems really scary. Then after two or three instances, or a couple days of really building that muscle, it starts to become really fun. As you were talking about, you start to see the world in a completely different way, where there's so much positive optionality. There's so many exciting things that could happen. All you have to do is just find out if it's possible.

[0:27:59.7] AG: Yeah, absolutely. I mean, you start getting all these things too, which is cool. You're getting extra patties on your hamburger to go see the kitchen at a restaurant. I yell to action on a film set. All these cool stuff, but along the way you're also getting those projections and you’re desensitizing yourself to the fear of it. It's a reoccurring cycle. You're getting more and more yess’s and you're gaining and building that confidence to just ask for anything.

The way it works is you start out asking for small things; a high five, to borrow a dollar, whatever it is, but you build up to asking for much more meaningful things in your life; promotion at work, or a raise at work, or for someone to go on a date with you. By asking for a discount on your dinner every night, when the time comes to ask for a raise at work, you have confidence to go do that. When the time comes to ask someone on a date cold at a bar, you can go right up and do it. It's really cool how it works.

The 30-day process, you probably – peaks somewhere around day 14, day 15, and you can just ride that wave, and then it lasts for a little bit after you finished the 30 days. You got to keep it up, because like I know now, I go through periods of this in my life, but I haven't been actively seeking this out recently. I'm probably afraid to go ask for stuff. It's a curve. Definitely, you got to keep practicing, keep getting those reps. Oh, I said deteriorates.

[0:29:29.2] MB: I think it comes back to as well, what you talked about a second ago, which is this idea that for many perspectives, we're evolutionarily programmed to be afraid of lots of different things, right? Because if you eat the wrong berries, or if whatever else from an evolutionary standpoint thousands of years ago, there's so many risks that you constantly have to be aware of that we're very naturally risk-averse. The reality is the risks today are so much lower than they were.

The downside of the vast majority of these things is literally just someone says no, and nothing has changed other than you weren't going to get whatever you were asking for before and they said no, and now you're still not going to get it. That's the disaster scenario. The upside is tremendous. There's just a massive risk reward and yet, the evolutionary programming in our minds can really mess with us and make it challenging to overcome that barrier.

[0:30:21.0] AG: Right. We think that if we ask someone for a hug and they say no, then they're going to rip our heads off. That's the way that our brains work. Not only will they just say no, but literally five seconds after you ask them that, they're going to forget about it. They're not going to come back to you in six months and say, “Hey, remember that time that you were stupid and you asked me for a hug, or you asked that dumb question in a class?” Nobody remembers, or you had a bad hair day, no one remembers any of these things about you, because they're all focused on their lives and their processes and trying to get what they want out of the world. You're totally right. The risk/reward is all screwed up. We have to reprogram our brains to desensitize ourselves to these fears that really don't make sense in today's world.

[0:31:04.4] MB: The beauty of rejection therapy, and this comes back to Josh Waitzkin, who's one of my all-time favorite thinkers and performers. For listeners who aren't familiar, he's a multi time national chess champion, chess master, and then went on to win the World Championship in tai chi push hands, which is a form of martial arts, and wrote this seminal book called The Art of Learning, which integrates these two things together; just phenomenal read, probably one of my all-time favorite books.

He talks about how this skill set of being comfortable with discomfort is really built in the small moments of your life, right? It's not built in the really tense, high-risk situations where you're asking for that promotion, or you're dealing with a tough negotiation. That muscle is cultivated when you're getting those reps in in the small moments every day. Then those big moments come along and that's really when the opportunity to flex that muscle really shines.

[0:31:58.0] AG: Yeah, absolutely. Like I said, you start asking for small things, you move up to big things. For me, I thought this is what I like. I like trying to solve these hard problems, get rejected, find creative ways to go around them and get that yes. That's what feels the best for me. How can I make money off that? How can I start businesses off of that? How can I incorporate that as much as I possibly can into my life?

For me, it meant starting a podcast, starting a FinTech company. Just like you said with your podcast guests, sometimes you have to send 17 e-mails, I've found the same thing. When you get that yes, on my podcast I've had cofounders of Facebook and huge big time venture capitalists come on talk about their lives, their stories, their ups and downs, their key secrets to their success. To get them, it requires so much persistence, e-mail after e-mail after e-mail. They don't respond, why haven't they responded?

You can't incorporate that into, “Oh, this person doesn't want to be on my podcast. This person's busy. I got a convince them. I got to find a creative way. I got to go see them. I got to go meet them. I got to bump into them. I got to go to a conference where they're speaking, get another touch point and get them on my podcast,” because then all of those things that I've done, those creative means to get around the know, culminate in a yes, culminate them coming on my podcast. Lots of people listening to the podcast, me feeling good, that's the best feeling.

The same thing with my startup; we're trying to attack this huge, huge problem. Basically for a startup, the world's against you. You have no money, existing companies don't want you to exist, no one believes what you're talking about doing, until you actually go do it. You have to find a way to go do it with no money, while everyone is rooting against you and doesn't want you to succeed. If you are able to accomplish those things, then yeah, you better believe there's going to be a pretty huge return outcome on the other side of it for you, but most people would give up in the face of all of that adversity. They wouldn't be able to push through and triumph. That's what separates the huge outcomes from just the regular outcomes, the regular lives, if you're able to persist and just not care about getting rejected all day every day.

[0:34:08.2] MB: I think another really important point is that it's not about the people who said no. I mean, we've had hundreds of guests who've said no, or have never responded, or haven't been on the show and it would have been awesome to have them, but the show exists because of all the people who said yes, not because of the people who said no. We've been able to create something really compelling, because even a few people who say yes overtime really adds up to something massive in aggregate.

[0:34:33.1] AG: That's the numbers, that's the reps. Yeah, it's so funny. As I'm sitting here with my podcast sometimes, when I'm speaking with someone that I've wanted to get so badly and they have said they've had so more success in their life and I'm having this immensely interesting and thought-provoking conversation with them, I'm just thinking, “Wow, look what I've accomplished here.”

It's literally the best feeling. You feel so fulfilled when you're able to get to that point, because of the hill that you've had to climb to get there. If you didn't have to climb that hill, then would it mean anything to get those guests, to do those startups, to have those big outcomes in your life?

[0:35:06.9] MB: One of the other tools and I'm curious if you've had any experience with this that I've found to be really helpful around finding that. One of the other ways that I've seen is really useful to cultivate this is to notice moments in your life where you feel uncomfortable and you're pulling back from something and then be able to step into that and say, “You know what? I'm not talking to this person, or not interacting here because I'm feeling uncomfortable.” Recognizing that and then forcing yourself to do it at that moment. I found meditation to be a really useful tool to cultivate the awareness of those moments in your life. Have you had any experience with that?

[0:35:40.8] AG: Yeah. Like I mentioned, when I left investment banking I was a little lost. I didn't know what my path was supposed to be in life. I used the two years of business school to try to figure that out, figure out who I was, what I was meant to be doing in this world. The way that I did that was I just tried stuff that I would never ever have done before. I tried to put myself in the most uncomfortable situations and positions and new things to see who I was, what I was made of, what I liked, what I didn't liked.

I mean, you see a lot of things that you don't like, but I can remember a time when I was in business school, I was on a trip to New York with some buddies. I was Uber and we were driving past Madison Square Park and there was someone there that had a sign. He was just standing in the park and he had a cardboard sign and it said, “Free hugs.” I was looking at that and I said, “I can't think of anything in the world that I would like to do less, than go stand in that park with that guy and give away free hugs to strangers.”

I said, “Guys, hang on. I got to go do this for a minute.” I jumped out of the Uber and I gave that guy a hug and he was a little shady looking, but finally I gave him a hug. Then I stood there with him and gave a couple strangers hugs. I was so uncomfortable in the beginning. Then after two hugs I was like, “Oh, okay. This is no big deal, and I just did something cool. I learned something about myself.” I went and jumped back in the car with my buddies and we went about our day. That was the approach I took to business school was to try to put myself in the most uncomfortable situations and really just to learn about who I was.

[0:37:10.5] MB: You bring up something that I'd love to come back and explore a little bit, which is – and this is a departure from rejection therapy, but what happens when you spend your whole life focused on getting to this point of becoming an investment banker and then you realized that once you're on the mountaintop that you don't like it there?

[0:37:30.5] AG: It was such a strange feeling. Not just for myself. I mean, it was what my identity was. My friends, my family, everyone just knew me as this 100-hour working investment banker, feeling super self-important, feeling my life was valuable and I was doing all these great things. Then I got to the point where I said, “I don't like this. This isn't what I was put on earth to do, and so how do I tell my parents that? How do I tell my friends that? How I tell my girlfriend that? How do I tell myself that?” I didn't know any of those things.

It took a few years to figure it out. For me, really the – I could say the lightbulb moment happened in business school. Business school was a lot about meeting people and having these life-changing experiences and finding yourself. For me, I would say the most impactful moment happened inside of a classroom. I was in this communication, leadership type class one early morning and the professor had us write down on a piece of paper times and we had felt like we were being our authentic self.

He defined authentic self as feeling you're really just firing on all cylinders, using all of your facilities, really being true to who you are. Fine, I took a few minutes and I'm writing down all these instances. Great as I finished the exercise, I'm looking at these four or five things I wrote down and every single one of them was when I was doing something entrepreneurial. I was starting – growing up, I was the lemonade stand kid, selling stuff door-to-door. That was me. All of the times I wrote down, I was doing one of those things.

I was like, “Wow, why have I been chasing these jobs that other people put a tremendous amount of value on that translated to me putting a tremendous amount of value on, these prestigious jobs, this prestige trap of chasing these things? When really, I'm most happy and feeling most fulfilled when I'm selling lemonade, or washing someone's car, or getting a guest to come on my podcast.” That's what's a feeling to me.

Granted those things don't make tons of money in the very beginning, other people don't view them as really life-changing, or that great. They might be working for Goldman Sachs, or JP Morgan, but you got to do what's right for you and not what's right for other people. That was the moment I realized, “Okay, we're done chasing all these jobs that other people put a lot of value on. I'm going to go figure out how to do this for me.” I don't know how to start a business. I haven't really done that. That seems scary. I'm going to go do that. I'm going to start a podcast. I'm going to go find some other buddies, we're going to start a FinTech company.

Yeah, for the past 18 months I've been doing all those things. While I haven't been making the type of money that I was while I worked in an investment banking, the fulfillment that I have and the way that I'm excelling at these jobs and in these roles, it's so much – it's night and day compared to my job in investment banking. As I'm on this path, I'm learning about myself and I'm getting better.

Someone really said something very interesting on my podcast a few weeks ago. They said we're all going to live till were a 100-years-old. I tell my wife that I'm going to live until I’m 200-years-old. Fine, say I’ll live till I'm 100-years-old. How long are we going to be working for? What's a career length going to be? 60 years? 70 years? That's a long time.

To think about a career in a one or two or three-year period of, “Am I doing the right thing? Is this right for me? Am I maximizing? Am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing?” That's insane. If you look at the bigger picture of things, as long as you're learning every day and getting a little bit better every day and making more meaningful, authentic connections every single day that all of those things will pay dividends for you down the line in your career.

Just because I'm not making hundreds of thousands, or millions of dollars today, I'm setting myself up to have those big-time outcomes. Along the way, I'm finding fulfillment. That's the other thing. You can't say, “Oh, I'm going to go do investment banking for five years and be miserable, and then be happy once I'm done with that,” because if you're constantly deferring happiness, it's never going to come. You're never going to have happiness. You got to be happy along the journey. The journey is really everything.

[0:41:40.3] MB: Yeah. I think that's such a great perspective. I'm sure you probably read it as well, but 4-Hour Workweek obviously comes to mind is a book that is really eye-opening and was definitely transformational for me as well when I left The Wall Street world and decided to do something more entrepreneurial.

[0:41:57.3] AG: Yup, absolutely. It's a great book.

[0:41:59.8] MB: For listeners who want to concretely implement some of the ideas we've talked about, I think the answer is probably relatively self-evident, but what would you say, what would you give to them as one piece of homework to get started with some of these ideas?

[0:42:13.2] AG: Just start small. Go ask a friend for a high five, or go ask someone to take a selfie with you. These things literally require nothing. I mean, the risk reward is so minimal. Just the idea – I want to leave with the idea that you're never going to get what you don't ask for. You don't ask for a raise at work, they're not just going to give you a raise. If you don't ask someone 17 times to come on your podcast, they're not going to come on your podcast. If you're not out there taking what you want, asking for what you want, then nothing's ever going to happen for you.

Start small, ask for really miniscule things that don't seem like they're meaningful at all and work your way up very quickly. I might add it goes fast, to asking for meaningful things and having a fulfilled life and getting what you want out of it.

[0:42:59.6] MB: For listeners who want to learn more, who want to be able to find you and your work online, what's the best place for them to do that?

[0:43:06.8] AG: Yeah. I've got the podcast, it's called Moving Up. We have similar conversations, just like to what we're having now. I go into business leaders, a lot of investors and founders and CEO’s, about their journeys, how they got to where they are, what set them apart. You can find the podcast, you can find me alex@wallstreetoasis.com. That's where the podcast lives. Yeah, I would love if anyone would e-mail me and tell me they tried rejection therapy and how it worked for them.

[0:43:35.5] MB: Well Alex, thank you so much for coming on the show, sharing all this knowledge, rejection therapy; such a powerful framework for overcoming discomfort and achieving the goals that you want. Thank you for sharing with the audience.

[0:43:47.0] AG: Thanks so much for having me. This was a lot of fun speaking with you.

[0:43:50.1] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners, master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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Remember, the greatest compliment you can give us is a referral to a friend, either live or online. If you enjoyed this episode, please leave us an awesome review and subscribe on iTunes because that helps boost the algorithm, that helps us move up the iTunes rankings and helps more people discover the Science of Success. 

Don't forget, if you want to get all the incredible information we talk about in the show, links transcripts, everything we discussed and much more, be sure to check out our show notes. You can get those at successpodcast.com, just hit the show notes button right at the top. 

Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.


January 17, 2019 /Lace Gilger
Career Development
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The Simple 20 Minute Exercise That Rewires Your Brain For Happiness with Dr. Dan Siegel

January 10, 2019 by Lace Gilger in Emotional Intelligence

In this episode we look at how to live a healthy, happy, successful life - from the inside out. We explore what it means to have an “integrated” brain, look at lessons across vastly different scientific disciplines, and share the accessible, simple strategy you can use in 20 minutes to integrate the most important learnings from scientific research to create an integrated brain, body, and mind - to improve your health, happiness, wellbeing and success with our guest Dr. Dan Siegel. 

Dr. Dan Siegel is a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine and the founding co-director of the Mindful Awareness Research Center at UCLA. He is a multi-best-selling author and award-winning educator and a Distinguished Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association. His work has taken him across the globe to work with individuals such as the King of Thailand, Pope John Paul II, and The Dalai Lama.

  • What is integration? What does it mean to live a fully connected life?

  • Different parts can be honored for their differences and then linked and connected and allowed to communicate with one another

  • The linking of different integrated parts - is the fundamental way a complex system optimizes functioning - the way it “self organizes” 

  • An optimally integrated organism or organization is in a state of harmony, a state of flow, a state of health

  • A healthy life, a successful life, a happy life comes from being integrated

  • The opposite of integration is either Chaos or Rigidity 

  • “The harmonious flow of integration” 

  • Dan comes at the questions of happiness and successful lives from a wholistic integrated perspective across any and all scientific fields  “interpersonal neurobiology”

  • A healthy mind is both integrated within - inside your body - and integration between - integration between other people and the planet 

  • Even if academic disciplines silo themselves - reality is 

  • Reality is one giant interconnected whole

  • What is the mind? 

  • When you really look at the science and the data - it’s impossible to separate any one aspect of reality from any other aspect - including you! 

  • How do we merge the critical ideas across a wide array of academic disciplines to form a coherent view of reality and solve our toughest problems?

  • The common ground across any field or discipline is the flow of energy and information 

  • Information.. IN FORMATION - information is just energy in a certain configuration that gives it context and meaning - information is meaning embedded via energy patterns 

  • How is the MIND part of the system of energy and information flow in reality and the world as a whole?

  • “Emergence” - the essence of a complex system is that it interacts with itself and self organizes 

  • How complex systems unfold over time 

  • Over 3000 studies supporting the notion that health emerges from having your brain, body, and relationships be “integrated systems” - and unearth manifests as chaos and rigidity

  • Huge amounts of research support the idea that integration in the brain is the best predictor of wellbeing 

  • 3 Pillar Training - how to integrate the brain to be healthier and happier - how to live in harmony instead of chaos 

  • How a journey to Namibia completely redefined Dan’s relationship to success and happiness 

  • “My people are happy because we belong, we belong to one another and our community and we belong to earth."

  • Do you feel like you belong? Does our society today foster a sense of belonging? 

  • This powerful story about a sense of belonging ties into the science of the mind and the brain - the “embodied brain” and the “relational” mind 

  • What is the self? What is the mind? Does the mind exist, as the source of your self, inside your skin encased body? Is that it?

  • You also have a relational self that is equally as important as your individualized self 

  • “From Me to We” is wrong - it’s Me AND We! Its “Mwe"

  • An integrated self is like a candle - its the wax and the light - the wax of the body and the light of your relationships 

  • Skull and Skin don’t limit the flow of energy from the mind - its more than that - it’s beyond that. The system of the mind is energy and information flow inside your body AND outside your body - in the world, in the energy and information you share with others, with the world, and beyond. 

  • The 3 Pillar Training is what research tells us - from studies across the last 15 years - that if you train your mind with 3 fundamentally practical steps 

  • Focused attention, sustained on something, and letting go of distraction 

    1. Open awareness - letting the mind unfold

    2. Kindness, compassion, loving kindness - honor your interconnected nature with kind regard - “Kind Intention” 

  • By cultivating the 3 pillars you develop neuroplastic changes in your brain - changes in the physical structure of your brain - to create meaningful integration for the brain 

  • The five things that 3 Pillar Training does for your body and your healthspan

  • Reducing tress and reducing cortisol

    1. Improves immune funciton 

    2. Optimizes cardiovascular factors (enhanced vagal tone)

    3. Reduces inflammation by changing the epigenetic regulators of your genes 

    4. Optimization of your Telomeres that slows your aging process and extends your health span 

    5. Plus.. integrating the brain

  • This science has been established in some of the most rigorous peer reviewed journals in the world 

  • Results from study on over 10,000 people using the “Wheel of Awareness” training and how it can create massive positive impact on your life 

  • Integration is the basis of wellbeing in your body, mind, and relationships 

  • The accessible, simple strategy you can use in 20 minutes to integrate the most important learnings from scientific research to create an integrated brain, body, and mind - to improve your health, happiness, wellbeing and success.

  • Homework: Take the Wheel of Awareness on Dan’s website (linked in the show notes) - most efficient, effective, science based, multi-disciplinary thing you can bring into your life . It’s wholly grounded in science and its accessible for you to do anywhere. 

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Please SUBSCRIBE and LEAVE US A REVIEW on iTunes! (Click here for instructions on how to do that).

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We’re proud to announce that this week’s episode of The Science of Success is brought to you by our partners at Athletic Greens!

Athletic Greens is offering our listeners 
20 FREE TRAVEL PACKS, a $79 value, with your first purchase when you go to www.athleticgreens.com/success.

Start this year off with a new incredibly impactful and easy to maintain healthy habit with Athletic Greens. The fact is, the perfect diet doesn't exist, and ultimately falls short due to a busy lifestyle, travel schedule or restrictive diets. That's why Athletic Greens packs in 75 whole food sourced ingredients and covers you in 5 key areas of health, making it one of the most comprehensive supplements on the market.

Show Notes, Links, & Research

  • [Book] Consilience: The Unity of Knowledge by E. O. Wilson

  • [Book] The Telomere Effect: A Revolutionary Approach to Living Younger, Healthier, Longer by Dr. Elizabeth Blackburn and Dr. Elissa Epel

  • [Website] Mindsight Institute

  • [Personal Site] Dr. Dan Siegel

  • [Resource] Wheel of Awareness

  • [Book] Aware: The Science and Practice of Presence--The Groundbreaking Meditation Practice by Dr. Daniel Siegel M.D.

  • [Video] Guided Meditiation with Dan Siegel (Wheel of Awareness)

Episode Transcript


[0:00:00.6] MB: Welcome everybody. Today's episode is brought to you by our amazing sponsor Athletic Greens. I've used Athletic Greens for years to make sure that I'm on top of my game. I'm sure you've heard about it from other experts as well, like Tim Ferriss, or even previous Science of Success guests, like Michael Gervais.

Athletic Greens is the best of the best, all in one whole food supplement on the market. In fact, one scoop of Athletic Greens is the equivalent of 12 servings of fruits and vegetables. Developed over 10 years by a team of doctors and nutritionists, using 75 Whole Foods sourced ingredients, Athletic Greens helps you fuel up with energy, boost your immunity, supports digestion and gut health, helps you manage stress and promote healthy aging with adaptogens and antioxidants and much more.

Athletic Greens replaces the fistful of supplements you may be taking now and adds the critical nutritional support you need all in just one easy scoop. Athletic Greens has been kind enough to put together a special deal just for Science of Success listeners. They're giving 20 free travel packs, which is valued at $79 when you make your first purchase. That's available if you go to athleticgreens.com/success. That's athleticgreens.com/success.

Start 2019 off right and create an epic shift in your health this year by ordering some Athletic Greens. Go to athleticgreens.com/success and claim your special offer today. That's athleticgreens.com/success.

[0:01:42.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[0:01:50.4] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success, the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than three million downloads and listeners in over a hundred countries.

In this episode, we look at how to live a healthy, happy, successful life from the inside out. We explore what it means to have an integrated brain, look at lessons across vastly different scientific disciplines and share the accessible, simple strategy you can use in 20 minutes to integrate the most important learnings from scientific research to create an integrated brain, body and mind, to improve your health, happiness, well-being and success, with our guest Dr. Dan Siegel.

Do you need more time? Time for work, time for thinking and reading, time for the people in your life, time to accomplish your goals? This was the number one problem our listeners outlined and we created a new video guide that you can get completely for free when you sign up and join our e-mail list. It's called How You Can Create Time for the Things That Really Matter in Life. You can get it completely for free when you sign up and join the e-mail list at successpodcast.com.

You're also going to get exclusive content that's only available to our e-mail subscribers. We recently pre-released an episode in an interview to our e-mail subscribers a week before it went live to our broader audience and that had tremendous implications, because there is a limited offer in there with only 50 available spots that got eaten up by the people who were on the e-mail list first.

With that same interview, we also offered an exclusive opportunity for people on our e-mail list to engage one-on-one for over an hour with one of our guests in a live exclusive interview just for e-mail subscribers. There's some amazing stuff that's available only to e-mail subscribers that's only going on if you subscribe and sign up to the e-mail list. You can do that by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the home page.

Or if you're driving around right now, if you're out and about and you're on the go, you don't have time, just text the word “smarter” to the number 44-222. That's S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44-222.

In our previous episode, we showed you how to solve any problem in your life using a simple no-risk tool that you could start with right now. We dug into why you get stuck on problems and how we often deceive ourselves. We talked about why reasons are often a ruse and how they can become dangerous once they turn into excuses. All of that and much more in our previous interview with our guest, Dr. Bernard Roth. If you want to crush any problem that's been holding you back, listen to that episode.

Now, for our interview with Dan.

[0:04:45.4] MB: Today, we have another exciting guest on the show, Dr. Dan Siegel. Dan is a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine and the founding co-director of the Mindful Awareness Research Center at UCLA. He's a multi best-selling author and award-winning educator and a distinguished fellow of the American Psychiatric Association. His work has taken him across the globe to work with individuals, such as the king of Thailand, the Pope, the Dalai Lama and more. Dan, welcome to the Science of Success.

[0:05:14.6] DS: Matt, it's a pleasure to be here with you.

[0:05:16.5] MB: Well, we're very excited to have you on the show today and to get into some of the fascinating stuff that you talk about. I'd love to begin and open with this idea of integration. You talk and have written and spoken a lot about the idea of integration. What does it mean to live a truly connected life?

[0:05:31.8] DS: Yeah, well that word is a really great one to start with, Matt, because it's a simple process where things that are different, or unique, or special within whatever focus we're looking at; let's say, it could be your brain inside your skull, it could be your whole body including its brain, it could be a relationship between two people and a close emotional relationship, or it could be a family, or even a company you might work in. Whatever the system is, the idea is different parts can be honored for their differences and then linked, or connected, or allowed to be having communication with one another.

This way that you maintain differences and even cultivate them, nurture them, while also establishing connections, it doesn't have a formal term in mathematics, but it's something we can call integration. That linking of differentiated parts turns out to be the fundamental way, what's called a complex system, which is a certain system; the way it optimizes its, function the way it has what's called self-organization. A complex systems optimal self-organization creates basically harmony, a flexible adaptive state of flow.

When it's in that state, we can say it's in the state of health. There's a lot of reasons over the years of the last 25 years that I've been writing about this, to show that health, a healthy life, a successful life, a happy life come from integration. The science of that is absolutely fascinating. When that's not happening, you go to either chaos, or you go to rigidity. It's like a river. One bank is the bank of chaos, where things are completely unpredictable and overwhelming, it's out of control.

Or the other bank outside of this is more harmonious flow of integration, is the bank of rigidity, where things are completely predictable. They have this dullness to them, they're unchanging, they're inflexible. Those two banks, it turns out describe whether it's an individual, his or her life, or it’s family, or a company, or a nation, or even the world. You can look at chaos and rigidity as being a sign of things not going well. They're not successfully unfolding. They're not happy. They're not healthy. Those are all impairments to integration that are revealing themselves as chaos or rigidity and not the harmony that comes with the well-being of integration.

[0:08:10.6] MB: Tell me more about this idea that a healthy, successful, happy life comes from being integrated.

[0:08:17.3] DS: Well, it's such an interesting thing. When it first started emerging in the early 90s, I'm a scientist as well as a clinician. Of course, I'm a person, but also in different roles as a son, a brother, or a father, a husband, all these different things I am, I started wandering across all those roles. How do you're successful in any of those things? What's the science of success? What's the way that you go beyond just what people might tell you, but actually think, “Gosh, is there a fundamental unity of what ties those together across all those roles we play in our lives?”

It turns out that through a long line of deep reasoning about the various sciences, and I work in a field called interpersonal neurobiology, where we combine every discipline of science for example, math and physics, chemistry, biology, of course including neuroscience, genetics, medicine, things like that, psychology, sociology, linguistics, anthropology, all those scientific fields. What we do in our framework, interpersonal neurobiology, is we combine them all together.

If you're looking at, let's say an individual life, like I do as a psychotherapist, I bring the lens of interpersonal neurobiology into my work, so that I'm offering first of all, a definition of the mind, which is very useful to have if you're a mind therapist. I can get into that later, but a healthy mind, basically a mind that creates success and well-being is a mind that's creating integration within. Integration inside your body and integration between, which is integration in the relationship of the body you're born into with other people and the planet. You can go step by step through any of those areas; the internal world and the relational world and identify when relationships, let's say with other people, when are they integrated, when are they not?

We can talk through the details of that, but when you just basically use this scientific framework, it's amazing how useful it is to first of all, clarify what success and happiness really mean, then to be able to measure it scientifically, then also to be able to an intervention when things aren't going well. When you're stuck on that bank of chaos or rigidity, how do you know that that's happening and then what do you do to get yourself back into the main flow of harmony? That's the overall view of the relationship of integration to success and well-being.

[0:10:55.5] MB: I think that this multidisciplinary approach that you have is fantastic. It's so important to approach problems from any and all angles. No academic disciplines exist in a silo.

[0:11:07.0] DS: Exactly. Well, that's right. I mean, they function as silos, but when you look at the nature of reality, like the old Indian fable of the blind man and the elephant. There's a whole elephant, even though a given blind man may just – may only study one part, like the toe, or the tail, or the ear, or something.

You're right, the whole elephant does exist, even if the blind men are separate. Even if the disciplines tend to silo themselves. They shouldn't be siloed, because the reality they're trying to study actually is a non-siloed reality. Would you agree with that, Matt?

[0:11:43.1] MB: Yeah, absolutely. That's what I meant. Obviously, they exist today in many instances and silos, but it's so refreshing to see somebody whose approach is so broad and integrated and cross-disciplinary.

[0:11:54.1] DS: Yes. Thank you. Well, thank you. I really, really appreciate that. It's an interesting space to work in and try to really maintain, because of course, in the university life, there’s a beautiful book called Concilience by EO Wilson, which points out how the –

[0:12:11.6] MB: Great book.

[0:12:13.1] DS: Yeah. You like that book, huh? It's the economic psychological and political structure of a university encourages silos and a lack of collaboration and cross-disciplinary work and also just thinking. It's a beautiful book. I agree with you totally. In that approach basically, when I used to be full-time at the university, I found it so intriguing, this is way before Wilson wrote the book, but I was living the life of what was later write about, that when I brought a bunch of scientists together, how you could address a simple question like what is the connection between the mind and the brain? That was the one question we were going to address.

We had 40 scientists that I had invited into a collective discussion about it. There was very little agreement. I had to try to find ultimately what Wilson would call a concilient view. I didn't have a word for it. I would just call it common ground or something, what could let’s say an anthropologist and a neuroscientist, just use two examples, what can a neuroscientist and an anthropologist in the room use as a common ground vocabulary, where the concepts and the methodologies that they use in their siloed approaches don't really overlap, but could you squint your eyes in a way to see what was in common across them?

What I did was have these 40 scientists. It was an emotional experience, because they were all my either teachers or friends or colleagues or whatever and they were all in the room and we had this one question, what's the connection between the mind and the brain? I needed to, because they weren't getting along. After the first meeting, really developed this concilient attitude and saying like, “What if everyone is correct? What if all the blind men are correct? Could we offer a big picture of you, so you say yes anthropology, you're correct. The mind is a relational thing. Yes, neuroscience you're correct. The mind comes from brain activity and everyone in between.” They're both correct.

Now when we first got together, they couldn't see any way to see that they are both direct, because there were a lot of argument and a lot of very uncomfortable feelings in the room. In the second meeting when I had to bring a view of what the mind might be – actually, there was no definition of the mind, short of brain activity, or something that was very vaguely described. The definition of the mind that I ended up offering turned out to be a concilient statement that allowed us to meet for four and a half years.

I really learned a lot from my colleagues about the importance of honoring different disciplines and understanding how hard the work they do is. Yet for me as a therapist and someone trying to put this, what we called, ultimately called interpersonal neurobiology framework together; it was really important to see if you could find common ground, so that we could collaborate with each other. Now we have over 75 text books that I've edited in the field of interpersonal neurobiology. I'm the founding editor of the Norton series in that field.

It's been a beautiful journey to say you could recognize the importance of cross-disciplinary thinking to bring all of the sciences together, even though it's a hard space to do, because you get people maybe getting a little irritated sometimes, or wondering why you're not just sticking with their discipline, because their discipline is better than the other discipline. I mean, so you really have to be very politically astute and scientifically on your toes, because you really want to respect the individuality of each discipline. You're also creating this concilient framework that says hey, everybody is important. Not just one person. That sometimes, it has to be in the front of your mind as you do the work.

[0:16:21.8] MB: There's so many different ways that we can unpack that. One of the underlying principles that I think is really important to expound upon as this notion that the reason it's so important to have a concilient approach is that reality is one interconnected whole. We think it's easy to divide it up into silos and disciplines and even ourselves as something separate from it and yet, when you really look at the hard science and the data and the reality of it, it's actually nearly impossible to truly separate any one thing from anything else.

[0:16:55.2] DS: Exactly. Well Matt, that's exactly the point. The common ground that felt at the time worth proposing to these 40 scientists, and when I came back in the second meeting and there was a 100% agreement that we could go with this proposal. I was floored, because you can't get academics to agree on even what to have for lunch.

They would agree on this fundamental notion. Basically, it came from a walk on the beach and it's very simply, it's the idea that if you were studying the beach and a university required you to either be a water specialist, or a sand specialist and you said, “Hey, but I'm interested in the whole coast.” They go, “No, you have to choose. Is it water, or is it sand?” You go, “But the coast is both.” They wouldn't let you do it. You would be a water specialist, or a sand specialist and you never really see the coast.

The coast is made up of sand and sea. In a similar way I thought, “Well, if an anthropologist is correct and a neuroscientist is correct, what could be the thing shared in culture that is shared in neural circuitry?” The simple common ground, now we would call concilient possibility is that it's energy and information flow. A culture is filled with the sharing of energy and information flow in this embedded way that we call culture.

When you study neuroscience, basically its energy and information flow streaming among the interconnected cells, the neurons and other cells inside your skull. The common ground there is the flow of energy and information. It can take different forms in those different locations. One is electrochemical energy flow, that when it's in certain patterns is in formation. It's having a symbolic capacity of meaning, but the same is true with culture. We have sounds that could be like this [inaudible 0:19:05.3]; pure energy, but then we can have billboards on the road. Or if you go into a restroom in a hotel in a certain culture, you see in the men's room a diaper changing table. Well, that's a cultural message. Get your act together men. You're responsible for changing your baby's diapers.

That's a simple example of energy and information flow. It's a little sign on top of a diaper changing table in the restroom that is embedding meaning, which is what information is through energy patterns; in this case, the light that you would be seeing this object in the bathroom. That view then says, well energy information flow is what's shared in neuroscience and anthropology. Then it turns out that every different discipline could use that. Then you say well, what's the mind part of that? How is the mind a part of a system, which is embodied and relational energy and information flow?

Then that's where you get into this idea of complex systems, which are open and capable of being chaotic and what's called nonlinear, which means a small input leads to large and difficult to predict results. That view of energy information flow being the essential element of a complex system, led me to really look back in the early 90s to the properties of complex systems. One of those properties is just called emergence that the essence of the system is interacting with itself, like water molecules and air molecules in a cloud. It gives rise to something that's called emergence.

Emergence is a real property in our universe of complex systems. One of those emergent phenomena is called self-organization. It's how this complex system regulates its own becoming, without a conductor or organizer. Just is a part of the probability theory, systems theory, complexity theory, understanding of how complex systems unfold over time. What I thought was when you look at the properties of self-organization, the self-organizing, fundamental aspect of a complex system, when it's optimizing that functioning, it’s differentiating and linking. In math, they don't have a name for that, but we're just going to name that integration.

When it's not balancing the linkage of differentiated parts, as we mentioned earlier, it goes to chaos or rigidity. That's straight from complexity theory. Then I thought back in 1992, wow, what if one aspect of the mind beyond subjective experience and consciousness and information processing, which are common descriptors, what if there's a definition, a fourth facet of the mind, which goes like this? The embodied and relational, so that's a location within the body and between the body and the world around it. The embodied and relational, emergent self-organizing, so we're saying it's a part of a complex system, the emerge and self-organizing process, so it's a verb not a noun.

What's this process doing? It's a self-organizing process that is regulating the flow of energy and information. That's the definition I brought to the group. I said, maybe the system of mind is energy and information flow. It’s embodied and relational, and maybe one facet of this multifaceted mind is self-organization. Every one of the 40 people raise their hand, “I can go with that.” We met on to meet for all these years.

It was absolutely fascinating that with that definition, you could then predict back in 1992 that future research, which didn't exist at the time, if it came around, would show that health emerges from integrated systems, whether that's in the brain, or the whole body, or relationships. That unhealth would manifest as chaos or rigidity and would be emerging from a impaired integration. So far, every study that's ever been done, I have 16 interns work with me to revise my first textbook into its third edition, I say, find something that goes against this.

We've reviewed 3,000 articles. I’m not going through them all, so I could tell you it's a lot of work. Everything supports the notion. We wouldn't say it's proven, but supports it that every study of the brain of someone with a major psychiatric condition has impaired integration. Every study of well-being shows that integration in the brain is the best predictor of well-being. When you look at interventions, like mindfulness practice, or doing these ways you train the mind to be compassionate and open and focused, I call it three-pillar training. Those are the three pillars of compassion training, or kind intention training, open awareness training and focused attention training.

This three-pillar training basically integrates the brain in exactly the ways that certain situations, like trauma impair the growth of the brain. We can go into the details Matt if you want, but that's just an overview to address your question of where do we go with the interdisciplinary view. To me, it's just an incredibly exciting moment, because these hypotheses from 92, now over 25 years later, have all been supported. We can't find anything to go against it.

Then you could do interventions like this thing called the wheel of awareness, where you integrate consciousness and get these really magnificent windows into not just the nature of the mind, but how to create a healthy mind and a successful life of well-being.

[0:24:46.8] MB: I want to unpack a lot of these different pieces. I definitely want to dig into this idea that the mind is embodied and also relational. I want to talk about three pillar training. I want to talk about the wheel of awareness. Before we get into any of those, to contextualize this a little bit more, I want to hear your story about your experience in Namibia.

[0:25:06.2] DS: Yeah. Well, our institute is called the Mindsight Institute. For years when I was in medical school in the 70s, I noticed that my teachers didn't sense the mind and that is they treated people like bags of chemicals. It was very strange. I dropped out of school for a while. Before I came back, I made up this word mindsight for how we see the mind. You have physical site, where you see things like chemicals, or the body, or whatever. Then this mindsight, it's a different system.

Flash forward many years, we became very interested here at the Mindsight Institute as to whether other cultures that represent in some ways, not the influence of contemporary culture, would they have words that try to communicate about the inner nature of our subjective experience, or what we're aware of? That would be how you'd look at the insight capacity of a person to have mindsight, and then how they would use that for empathy. These are two of the three aspects of mindsight. Mindsight is insight into your own mind, empathy to understand the mind of another and integration. The third thing is to honor differences to promote linkages. It's basic kindness and compassion and love really.

We went to Namibia, because there was some reason to believe that genetically some of the ancestors of the group that was the originally the homo sapiens who were the originators of all human beings were there in Namibia. There's some other views these days, but that was the line of reasoning then. We went to Namibia and we went out to different tribal groups and we had the good fortune of being able have a translator with us and interviewed the villagers to see if they used mindsight language. Indeed they did.

That's why we went and it was a really exciting thing. If there was any way to get close to the original ancestors of all of us, we were there. It was a beautiful thing. One evening around the campfire, we were just hanging out with the villagers and I asked the translator to ask one of the villagers a question, because there was a drought there and there was a famine and there was a lot of disease and there was a lot of poverty and people were appearing really, really happy.

It was perplexing from a contemporary cultural view of the importance of material comfort that we associate with what we think success and happiness is. I see a lot of miserable people with a lot of stuff here in the contemporary world, but there we were in Namibia with all these challenges to material comfort, but basically very happy.

The translator says, “You want me to ask this guy if he's happy?” I said, “Yeah. If he's happy, why is he happy?” “You want me to ask him why he’s happy?” I said, “Yeah, please.” He asked the villagers the question. The villager says to me, I will never forget. He says in his language and it's translated back into English for me, he says, “My people are happy, because we belong. We belong to one another in our community and we belong to earth.” There was this silence and I felt incredibly grateful for the response and then this wave of sadness came over me about just thinking about back home in the United States.

Then the villager asked the translator a question who translates it for me and he says, “He wants to know if where you come from, do you belong and are you happy?” I thought about how much misery there is where we are. I said, “There is a lot of experience of not belonging and there is a lot of unhappiness, even though there's a lot of relatively. There's food. There's not the disease you're facing. We have water. I mean, there's a lot of unhappiness and people don't feel successful and they're on this ladder to try to get more successful and more stuff and more of this, more of that.”

We just all stared at each other. That moment has really stuck with me. The whole notion of belonging relates directly to what we're talking about, the mind being both embody and relational. It raised for me back then when I was in Namibia, a deep – it's a question, but it's really like an emotional question thing. What is the self? What it was itself really? My next book is all about this that I'm just starting. This idea of in contemporary culture, we tend to think of the self as your body, or since the time of Hippocrates, you say the mind is just brain activity, or neuroscientists certainly reaffirm that.

That places the mind as the source of self inside your skin and case body. I think there's just something fundamentally limiting about that, if not outright wrong, that this villager was really describing the idea of belonging to community and belonging to earth. Since then, a lot of the workshops I do and the connections I have with – I consider people coming to workshops my colleagues. We're all in this journey together trying to learn. The whole notion of an integrated self would be where yes, you have a body and the body is an I or me, it's an internal locus of your – location of your mind, of yourself.

You also have a relational self that's different. It's differentiated, but it's equally as important and yet, it's not really a focus of what we often do in contemporary culture. It's all about I, me, mine; this internal thing. A relational self will be like an us, or a we.

I started teaching these lectures called from me to we, which sounds cool, it rhymes. One of my online students had come for this in-person workshop and she got really angry at me very appropriately and she said, “I'm really mad at you.” I said, “What are you mad about?” She goes, “The title of your talk.” I said, “What's wrong with my title?” She goes, “It's me to we.” I said, “Well, what's wrong with that? We is important.” She goes, “Yeah, I know we is important, but why get rid of me?”

I go, “Oh, my God. You're right.” She goes, “Shouldn't I be exercising my body?” I go, “Yeah.” She goes, “Shouldn't I be understanding my personal history and where I came from and my relationship with my parents, parenting me inside out approach?” I said yes. “Shouldn't I sleep well?” I said, “Of course, you do all these things.” She goes, “Isn't that all the internal experience?” I said, “Yes, it is.” She goes, “Why would you want to dop me?” I said, “You shouldn't.” She goes, “Well, come up with another name.” I said, “Okay, well how about not only limited to an internal me, but also extended to a relational we?” She goes, “That doesn't rhyme at all.”

I said, “Okay, okay. If you can integrate itself, it would need to be a candle.” Now I'd say this is like a candle is both the wax and the light. You're going to be the wax of your body as a me, but the light of your relationships which is a we. If you integrate that, you maintain both somehow. “Me plus we equals mwe,” I said to her. She was very excited about it.

I've been using we mwe, M-W-E as the simple three-letter word. We've been getting all sorts of other foreign languages born from English, other languages to come up with their own version, like you don’t know it’s in Spanish and things like that. It's been fun, because mwe allows you to have your internal experience, but also puts right into the word the relational identity as a we;  me plus we equals mew. That's what came from Namibia.

I was realizing that belonging and not just fitting in, but actually belonging where you're maintaining your me, but you really are part of a we, so you're a mwe, is I think for me the, or from mwe, it is the way the belonging lesson from Namibia has come through in what I'm working on now.

[0:33:13.2] MB: Clarifying this for the listeners and making sure that I understand it as well, this idea of the relational self; in a very real and scientific sense is the notion that our minds are composed of and one aspect are relationships with others and with the world as well, is that correct?

[0:33:30.0] DS: Absolutely. When you put the mind as this embody and relational, emergent process is coming from energy and information flow, then basically what you do is with that view, you realize skull and skin don't limit that flow. It's an artificial divide to put the mind and the self, which I think comes from the mind to limit that by your skull or by your skin.

The system is energy and information flow just as you're saying Matt, it's inside your body and underscore and, it is also in the energy information flow you are sharing from the body you’re born into, so you do have an internal me for sure. We're not denying that. You have a relationship with other people and the nature around you, which just to make it to piece, we'll call that the planet. It's people in the planet is the connection that creates your relational self. It's really an interconnectedness.

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[0:35:53.5] MB: Let's dig into the three-pillar training that you talked about before. I'm starting to understand the importance of being integrated and how that can make us live in harmony and be much healthier and happier. How do we really implement that into our lives and start to become more integrated individuals?

[0:36:10.5] DS: Yeah. Well, I think the question you're asking is so important, because these – while these concepts are scientifically grounded and all these things in the science books, developing mind and other books I read are trying to review the science, you really want the practical application of it.

I wrote this book Aware to extend these ideas that are summarized in also a book called Mind, just as a journey book, to understand it to say well, could there be a book that teaches a person exactly how to do this? Mindsight is a book which gives you stories of what people have done across their different domains of integration, so we want to recognize that. One of the first domains a person should work with of those nine is the domain of consciousness, of your awareness.

The three-pillar training is basically that you're asking about is what research tells us in the studies that have been done over the last let's say 15 years, that if you train your mind with three fundamentally practical steps; the first is to develop focused attention, where you sustain attention on something and when your mind gets distracted you learn to let go of the distraction and redirect your attention back to the intended focus. That's focused attention, number one.

Number two is called open awareness. The second pillar of open awareness means you're opening the mind to be just letting whatever unfolds unfold. I'll give you a visual image of this in a moment, that I think helps it become clear. That's open awareness training.

The third has various names. Some people call it kindness training, compassion training, love and kindness training. There's all sorts of names for it, but they're all basically similar. It's to honor our interconnected nature with a kind regard. Because that's an intentional state, I just call it kind intention training.

Those are the three pillars; kind intention, to develop this positive approach to one's inner life or the life of others, open awareness to open up awareness to whatever arises and be present for that and focused attention, to learn to focus attention, sustain it and redirect it when you're distracted. Let's just call that three-pillar training. It overlaps with what some people would call mindfulness training. Other people say, “No, no. It's not mindfulness training. It's compassion plus mindfulness training.” Other people would say, “No, it's this and that.”

Just knowing those researchers who named it different things and looking for the consilience, I just call it three-pillar training and everyone's happy. It's three-pillar mind training. What does the research show? Research shows just to start with the science, that if you do the three-pillar mind training, you actually will cultivate integration in your brain. I mean, I can go through the parts of the brain that get more integrated, but basically, you're going to develop what's called neuroplastic changes. Neuroplasticity is just how you change the structure inside your head, the brain in response to experience and you're basically directing these mind training experiences to in the three-pillar ways that integrate the brain.

That's awesome, because every form of regulation that's responsible for a successful, happy and resilient life depend on integration of the brain. That's regulating attention, emotion, mood, thought, memory, behavior, morality, relationality, all that depends on integration of the brain and these areas are integrated with three-pillar practice. That's awesome.

Then you also with three-pillar training, in terms of health of the body and a successful health span is what it's called, here are the five things that three-pillar training has been shown to do. These are number one, it reduces stress or lowers the stress hormone cortisol. That's a good thing. Number two, it improves immune function, so you can fight off infection. That's a good thing. Number three, it optimizes cardiovascular factors, like lowering cholesterol, lowering blood pressure, improving the way the heart and the brain in the head communicate with each other; some people call that enhanced vagal tone. It does that. That's number three.

Number four, it reduces inflammation by changing the epigenetic regulators that sit on top of your genes that control inflammation. That's good, because information can cause a lot of sometimes life-threatening illnesses. Then number five is the optimization of an enzyme called telomerase that is an enzyme that repairs and maintains the caps or telomeres of your chromosomes. Overall, this especially but all these things help you basically slow the aging process.

When I turned in the aware book for review from my colleagues who do this science, one of them Elissa Epel who wrote a beautiful book called The Telomere Effect with the Nobel prize-winning Elizabeth Blackburn who discovered the system, she said, “Dan, Dan. You turned the book in yet to the publisher?” I said, “No, not yet. It's going to printer in two days. What did I leave out?” She goes, “Oh, everything's great. The book is great, but you left out one thing.” I said, “Oh, my God. I thought I had to write another chapter.” She said, “No, no. You don't have to write another the chapter. You should need to say one thing, it slows the aging process.”
I said, “How can I say that as the world's expert in aging?” She goes, “Because Elizabeth and I have shown that, so you should say it.” They will see that in the book too. The idea here as wild as these five things of improving health and the brain changes, the sixth thing of integrating the brain, these are now established in some of the most rigorous peer-reviewed journals in the world, in terms of science.

Fortunately, I had developed years ago before these studies were done a practice called the wheel of awareness, which basically integrates consciousness by you can imagine a wheel putting the knowing of consciousness called being aware in the hub, and all the different knowns, like your first five senses of hearing and seeing, etc., on the first segment and then the interior signals of the body in the second segment; mental activities in the third and then our interconnected relationships in the fourth segment. You move a singular spoke around and then you even have a chance to bend the spoke around, or retract the spoke and explore the hub itself, the hub of awareness.

We've had over a million people stream this from our website. We give it away for free, so you just go there drdansiegel.com and do it. What's been so fascinating about it is as a scientist, I did this with my patients and they got better over all sorts of things. Anxiety got reduced. They could deal with traumas in a better way, things like that. My students who are therapists started it using it themselves and with their clients, they started finding improvements.

Then I did it systematically in a workshop setting with 10,000 people. I recorded the results and took those results and tried to find a consilient understanding of what's the science of consciousness that we could understand what the wheel of awareness is doing and how it might work?

In a nutshell, we can get into this, but the wheel has the three pillars right into it. The first two segments you're doing focused attention, the third segment you do open awareness and when you explore the hub itself. Then kind attention, you're developing the fourth segment. It's really fascinating, because it's an integration of consciousness practice that just fortunately by good whatever, fortunate it has what independently the individual studies that those are usually separate focused attention, open awareness and kind attention training, but it's all in one practice, so it helps get some research behind the individual practices.

Now I have a number of scientists are going to systematically study it, but in a 10,000-person study, you get a view of what the experience is and that has opened up a whole new way of thinking about the nature of mind and in consciousness and why integration is the basis of well-being in your body and in your relationships.

Anyway, that's what the three-pillar practice is. If you said, “Well, what can I do to bring this into my life?” If you just like doing a practice like that, you can go to our website and do it, or if you want to see the practice taught alongside the science being explored, then the book Aware teaches you how to do that. That's a first of nine domains. It's an important one and a good place for everyone to start.

[0:45:03.1] MB: Briefly, tell me a little bit about what that wheel of awareness, what does it actually mean or do? What is the process of going through it and how long does it take?

[0:45:11.2] DS: Yeah. It's a table in our office that then gets turned into just a visual image. No one wanted to call it the table, or no we don’t want to call it a wheel. It's an image. For some people like kids in school, they use it just as a drawing to know that the knowing can be in the hub, the knowns on the rim and you can just with that knowledge, it's amazing, you begin to transform how your behavior is. I have examples of how that happens.

For adults and adolescents, what's really useful is to use it as a reflective practice. What this means is that you can take time. It can take about 20 minutes, 20 to 30 minutes really. There's a shorter one that takes seven minutes, but I wouldn't recommend starting with that because you zip around the wheel. Give yourself the space to do a 20 to 30 minute practice. What it entails is sitting down, turning off your phone and/or if you're listening to my voice, you have the phone on airplane mode, but have it to our website. Then you can listen to me guide you through the steps.

You begin with the first five senses as you send yourself in the hub, put the spoke out to the first segment, you explore hearing and seeing, then you let seeing go, then you go to smell, taste, and touch. Then you move over and you explore the interior signals of the body. These are all energy patterns, either from the outside world on the first segment, or the interior of the body for the second segment. A very powerful way of sensing what's called interoception, really great source of intuition and wisdom.

Then you move the spoke over to the third segment and now you're moving from the focused attention training to open awareness. You invite anything in. This is for emotions or thoughts, memories, hopes, dreams, longings, desires, beliefs, all that stuff. Then you hit an advanced step, you can retract the spoke, or bend the spoke, or just leave the spoke in the hub and just experience what it's like to be aware of awareness itself. That's often a pretty profound experience for people.

Then you straighten the spoke out, move it over to your sense of connection to people physically close to you, more distant, people who live in your town, your city, your state, your country, the world, all living beings. Then you have statements of kind regard and that developed intention. It ends with the focus on the integrated self of a mew. That's basically the practice. What's absolutely amazing about it is now I've done it – I did it systematically with 10,000 people, recorded the results. Now I've done way more than that.

It's been accessible to people who've never done what you would call a formal meditation before, but when it's been done by very experienced meditators, people who run meditation centers or monasteries, they're very excited about how this integrates these three basic practices; focused attention, open awareness and kind attention into one streamlined practice. 

In terms of developing success in creating well-being in your life, you've got a practice you can start to do. Just like brushing your teeth, you do it on a regular basis and you have dental hygiene. This is a way of having life hygiene by doing a regular practice. It's been really rewarding just to get feedback on when people incorporate the wheel as a regular practice into their life, a reflective practice. Some would call it meditation. Meditation simply means training your mind. Yes, it's a reflective integration of consciousness practice that people are finding very useful. Every time you do it, it's different. It's very exciting to both learn about your mind and create a healthy mind.

[0:48:55.9] MB: That may be the answer to this next question, but what would be one first step action item piece of homework to give to the listeners to concretely start to implement the ideas and themes that we've talked about today?

[0:49:08.6] DS: Well, I would say the wheel of awareness from the feedback we have been getting is probably the most efficient and effective science-based, concilient thing you can bring into your life. That's just not from my own personal experience, so I found it useful, which I do. I mean, it's what I do regularly. It's so grounded in science, it comes from the simple idea of integrating consciousness and so accessible for you to do anywhere. You can do it if you're traveling, you can do it on the beach, you could do it in your home, you can do it in a closet, you can do it in a living room. I mean, it's a totally transportable process that becomes your own, and it's so supported by the science that you can rest assured that it's in careful studies when you do the three pillars individually, those practices will be good.

We'll see if maybe there's even a synergistic effect when you can get into one practice that has all three that are usually studied separately. That's going to be so exciting to see. At least from the initial reports, people are finding it incredibly – I mean, if I said the words empowering, enlivening, illuminating, I mean, it's very exciting. I would say the wheel of awareness. You can go to my website and just do it straight from there. We have all sorts of fun videos that you can see too that explore it and other things, book and audiobook and all sorts of ways, that if you do like to practice, you can learn more about it and make it woven into your life.

[0:50:43.0] MB: Again, for listeners who want to find you, want to find the wheel of awareness, want to find all of your work online, what is the best place for them to do that?

[0:50:49.9] DS: The website is the best place to start, which is drdansiegel.com. That's D-R-D-A-N-S-I-E-G-E-L.com. There you'll find a whole bunch of stuff. If you go to the resources tab, it'll take you straight to the wheel of awareness.

[0:51:07.8] MB: Well Dan, thank you so much for coming on the show, sharing all of this wisdom, so much knowledge across so many academic disciplines. I love the way that you've integrated everything. It is such a cohesive simple framework to be able to execute and start to implement to our lives, so that we can become more integrated whole individuals.

[0:51:26.6] DS: Beautiful. Well, thank you Matt. It's been a pleasure to be here with you. Thanks for having me onboard.

[0:51:31.1] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

I'm going to give you three reasons why you should sign up for our e-mail list today by going to successpodcast.com, signing up right on the homepage. There are some incredible stuff that’s only available to those on the e-mail list, so be sure to sign up, including an exclusive curated weekly e-mail from us called Mindset Monday, which is short, simple, filled with articles, stories, things that we found interesting and fascinating in the world of evidence-based growth in the last week. 

Next, you're going to get an exclusive chance to shape the show, including voting on guests, submitting your own personal questions that we’ll ask guests on air and much more. Lastly, you’re going to get a free guide we created based on listener demand, our most popular guide, which is called how to organize and remember everything. You can get it completely for free along with another surprise bonus guide by signing up and joining the e-mail list today. Again, you can do that at successpodcast.com, sign up right at the homepage, or if you're on the go, just text the word “smarter”, S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44-222. 

Remember, the greatest compliment you can give us is a referral to a friend either live or online. If you enjoyed this episode, please leave us an awesome review and subscribe on iTunes because that helps boost the algorithm, that helps us move up the iTunes rankings and helps more people discover the Science of Success. 

Don't forget, if you want to get all the incredible information we talked about in the show, links transcripts, everything we discussed and much more, be sure to check out our show notes. You can get those at successpodcast.com. Just hit the show notes button right at the top. 

Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.


January 10, 2019 /Lace Gilger
Emotional Intelligence
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Feeling Stuck? This One Question Will Create The Change You Need with Dr. Bernard Roth

January 03, 2019 by Lace Gilger in Focus & Productivity

In this episode we show you how to solve any problem in your life - using a simple and no risk tool that you can start with right now. We dig into why you get stuck on problems and how we often deceive ourselves. We talk about why reasons are often a ruse and how they can become dangerous once they turn into excuses, and much more with our guest Dr. Bernard Roth. 

Bernard Roth is a co-founder of the Hasso Plattner Institute of Design at Stanford. He is one of the world’s pioneers in robotics and the primary developer of the concept of the Creativity Workshop. He is the best-selling author of The Achievement Habit: Stop Wishing, Start Doing, and Take Command of Your Life. His work has been featured in FORTUNE, The New York Times, Fast Company, Business Insider, and more!

  • Why do you get stuck in your life?

  • Are you focused on the right problems in your life, or the wrong problems?

  • Reframing problems opens up a tremendous new solution space to your problem

  • You can get fixated on solving the wrong problems 

  • Even if you solved the problem that you think you need to solve, it may not get you what you ultimately want to get 

  • If you get stuck on a problem - it’s the wrong problem 

  • What would it do for me if I solved this problem? Work on THAT solution instead of the original problem 

  • The no-risk tool you can use to solve any problem / reframe any problem 

  • The one question that can completely blow apart your thinking and help you solve any problem

  • Treating the symptom, not the root cause of the problem

  • We get stuck on a problem (or solution) because it seems like the easy thing to do - even if that’s not what we’re really after 

  • We often lie to ourselves, we don’t tell ourselves the truth, you often try to deceive yourself to maintain your self image 

  • The importance difference between disappearing a problem vs solving a problem 

  • What Would It Do For You If You Solved The Problem? (And give up the original problem) 

  • Why you have to get super clear about what you REALLY want to achieve (and how to do it)

  • Tell yourself the truth about the REAL problem and open up the problem-space and solution space for new ways of conceiving of it - so you that you can find new solutions 

  • Why do people deceive themselves and how do you move beyond self deception?

  • We all do things we aren’t proud of and we all have motivations we don’t want to admit - we have to develop the self awareness to see what the truth about ourselves and our motives are

  • Why Bernie says "Reasons are Bullshit” 

  • The only function of reasons is that they let you pretend that you are a reasonable person 

  • There’s no one cause for anything you do - the moment you isolate that single cause you are lying 

  • The way your brain works - you do stuff, and then you make up a reason to do it 

  • There are a multitude of reasons for everything - we just single out one and pretend it’s the entire cause 

  • We explain the world with a simple cause and effect model - and yet there is not one single cause for anything in the world 

  • Reasons can be “devastating” when they become excuses 

  • Reasons are an excuse for being late, not losing weight, not getting your job done, not creating the results you want, etc

  • It’s not rocket science - usually you know what needs to be done.

  • If you stop lying to yourself, it becomes easy to change your behavior 

  • Stop giving reasons, just do it or don’t do it 

  • When saying NO to people, you will get more reception if you don’t give a reason (aka an excuse) 

  • Fix yourself first, don’t worry about fixing others

  • In your own behavior, substitute the word REASON for the word EXCUSE

  • If you’re gonna stay in the game - don’t go more than 2 levels deep with these questions and reframes - reframe to the first thing it would do for you, then ask again “what would that do for me?” And reframe that to the real question and the real thing you need to work on

  • What’s the difference between Trying and Doing? (Was Yoda right?)

  • Trying and doing are NOT the same thing. 

  • If you’re trying to do something it might or might not happen. If you’re doing something you will make it happen, no matter what. 

  • When people are DOING - obstacles don’t defeat them - they make it happen. 

  • Obstacles are often a gift, unless you let them be a deterrent 

  • Reasons don’t matter. Throw the reasons out and make it happen. 

  • Force often takes a lot more energy than power, when you’re powerful you flow and achieve 

  • Knowledge is useless if you don’t apply it 

  • Homework: Stop using reasons. Reframe your problems. Ask yourself if you’re doing or trying, and decide which one it is. 

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Athletic Greens is offering our listeners 20 FREE TRAVEL PACKS, a $79 value with your first purchase when you go to www.athleticgreens.com/success.

Start this year off with a new incredibly impactful and easy to maintain healthy habit with Athletic Greens. The fact is, the perfect diet doesn't exist, and ultimately falls short due to a busy lifestyle, travel schedule or restrictive diets. That's why Athletic Greens packs in 75 whole food sourced ingredients and covers you in 5 key areas of health, making it one of the most comprehensive supplements on the market.

Show Notes, Links, & Research

  • [TEDTalk] Transforming healthcare for children and their families: Doug Dietz at TEDxSanJoseCA 2012

  • [Video] Bernie Roth: "The Achievement Habit" | Talks at Google

  • [SoS Episode] This Is What Will Make You Finally Take Action - How To Bridge The Learning Doing Gap with Peter Shallard

  • [Book site] The Achievement Habit by Bernard Roth

Episode Transcript


[00:00:19.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[0:00:11.8] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success; the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than three million downloads and listeners in over a hundred countries.

In this episode, we show you how to solve any problem in your life using a simple and no risk tool that you can start with right now. We dig into why you get stuck on problems and how we often deceive ourselves. We talk about why reasons are often a ruse and how they can become even more dangerous when they turn into excuses. We share these ideas and much more with our guest, Dr. Bernard Roth.

Do you need more time? Time for work, time for thinking and reading, time for the people in your life time, to accomplish your goals? This was the number one problem our listeners outlined and we created a new video guide that you can get completely for free when you sign up and join our e-mail list. It's called How You Can Create Time for the Things That Really Matter in Life. You can get it completely for free when you sign up and join the e-mail list at successpodcast.com.

You're also going to get exclusive content that's only available to our e-mail subscribers. We recently pre-released an episode in an interview to our e-mail subscribers a week before it went live to our broader audience. That had tremendous implications, because there was a limited offer in there with only 50 available spots that got eaten up by the people who were on the e-mail list first.

With that same interview, we also offered an exclusive opportunity for people on our e-mail list to engage one-on-one for over an hour with one of our guests in a live exclusive interview just for e-mail subscribers. There's some amazing stuff that's available only to e-mail subscribers that's only going on if you subscribe and sign up to the e-mail list. You can do that by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the homepage.

Or if you're driving around right now, if you're out and about and you're on the go, you don't have time, just text the word “smarter” to the number 44-222. That’s S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44-222.

In our previous episode, we showed you how to command your focus and attention. We discussed why many people have the wrong idea of what it means to be productive and how thinking that you need to boil your life down to spreadsheets and checklists is the wrong way to approach productivity. We shared the secret ingredient for true productivity and looked at exactly how you could implement it practically and realistically in your life with our previous guest, Chris Bailey. If you want to feel more focused and productive, listen to that episode.

Now, for our interview with Bernie. Please note, this episode contains profanity.

[0:02:53.6] MB: Today, we have another exciting guest on the show, Bernie Roth. Bernie is the Co-Founder of the Hasso Plattner Institute of Design at Stanford. He's one of the world’s pioneers in robotics and the primary developer of the concept of the creativity workshop. He's the bestselling author of The Achievement Habit: Stop Wishing, Start Doing, and Take Command of Your Life. His work has been featured in Fortune, New York Times, Fast Company, Business Insider and more.

Bernie, welcome to the Science of Success.

[0:03:19.8] BR: Hi. Glad to be here.

[0:03:21.3] MB: Well, we're very excited to have you on the show today. I think your message in your work is really going to resonate with our listeners. I'd love to start out with a simple question that I think is going to unpack a lot of the ideas and themes that you've written about. Why do people get stuck on problems in their lives?

[0:03:37.1] BR: Well, I'd say the main thing that I've come up with in my studies is they are trying to solve the wrong problem. It's not usually that the problem is beyond them, or very difficult. It's just that it's the wrong problem.

[0:03:50.5] MB: What does that mean?

[0:03:51.4] BR: I'll give you an example. I was working with a group and some woman had the problem of she couldn't get her boyfriend to stop snoring. They had gone through all sorts of medical procedures, at wit's end and she just wanted to somehow get him to stop snoring. The method I used to define the right problem is to ask them what would happen if they solve their problem? When I asked, “What would it do for you if his snoring would stop?” She said, “I could get a good night's sleep.”

Okay, well at that moment if she was willing to let go of the snoring issue and just look at the real problem is how do I get a good night's sleep? Well, there are lots of solutions to that. The minute she reframed the problem from snoring to sleep, the solution space opened up tremendously. One of the solutions would be to get the boyfriend to stop snoring, but that isn't working. Okay, so what are the others? Well, I had them of course the fun answer I could give her right away would be well, the way you could get a good night's sleep is change boyfriends. More seriously, she could get a good night's sleep by sleeping in another room, by getting your earplugs. There are many ways of handling getting a good night's sleep.

That's a very simple and trivial example, but that's really what happens all the time. We're fixated on something. Now the truth is we're all great problem solvers. Everybody who's in your audience, I don't know them, but I'm sure they solve hundreds and hundreds of problems every day. They don't have problems eating, they don't probably walking and getting dressed, meeting people, phoning, looking at their cellphone or doing their e-mail, it goes on and on and on all the things they solve.

Why is it the things that people lose sleep over are generally really simple things. They're not rocket science. If you think about that and I've looked at it a long time with a lot of people, it's that they're really stuck on the wrong problem. Even if they solved it, it might not be the right problem, like if the boyfriend stopped snoring he might be very active sexually and she would never get any sleep. Who knows?

The point simply is that it's – most of us are bright enough to solve all the problems that come in our lives. The fact that we get stuck on problem shows that they're just the wrong one. I'll give you another trivial example; in my life, I had a visitor from Slovenia and I want to show him the wine country north of Stanford. I didn't have a car available, so I rented a car. We drove and we had a great time. At some point, the car was running short on gasoline. I pulled into a gas station. Then I started to look for the button that would open the gas tank cover.

I looked for about three or four minutes and I was very frustrated; every place I looked, which was where I had been in all other cars I've been in, it wasn't there. I took out the manual and I started to look for where it is and then a car pulled into the gas station that was of similar make. I ran up to the woman, I said, “This is a stupid question, but can you please tell me where the button that releases the gas tank cover is?” She said there is none.

Okay, so what I was doing is I was dealing with the wrong problem. I was trying to look for the button, instead of trying to get the cover open. It's a simple example of the kinds of things we do. We think we work – we were actually working with a solution that doesn't work and we think it's a question. These kinds of issues go on all at a time, including very serious technical problems and I can give you some problems from industry, I can give you some problems from research. It comes up all the time.

Even in areas – I used to do a lot of research on robotics and I would be one of the world's leading experts in the area. I would give a student a problem to work on for their thesis and we work and we work and then after about a year or so, we defined that wasn't quite the right problem. Once we found the right problem, it became very easy for the students to finish up and graduate and write up their thesis. It really occurs in almost all phases of problem solving, both the professional and personal life.

[0:08:10.3] MB: I think you bring up a really important point, which is the examples that you've given are fun and easy to understand, but the reality is that this applies to much larger and bigger problems in our lives, not just things like snoring.

[0:08:21.8] BR: Yeah, yeah. I'll give you a really great one from industry. It's actually a TED talk your listeners should watch. The guy’s name is the Doug Dietz and he was a – he still is. He's a chief designer at General Electric Medical and he designed the MRI machine for children. After some time, he went down to a local clinic to look at the machine. Basically, he talked to a nurse and she said, “We love your machine. It’s so great,” and he was feeling very proud of what he had done.

Then a child is dragged in screaming and kicking and the nurse says, “You have to leave because we have to sedate the child.” He finds out at that point that about 85% of the children that go into his machine have to be sedated. He feels very depressed that he did a terrible thing in the world. When he looked at the machine from a child's eyes, it looked like a metal monster. The child was asked to crawl into. They realized there was something wrong.

He went and started to do some research with children. He interviewed children that are chronic patients and had a lot of them. He found one girl that had a lot of cancer issues and she was getting a lot of radiation. He realized she had no adventure in her life at all. She just was into this medical situation whereas her siblings had all this adventure.

He realized really the problem was how do I put some adventure in this woman's life, this girl's life? What he had do is they repainted the rooms where they had these machines in the clinic. They made adventure series. They made one like a pirate ship. They made one like going to camp. It changed – they made comic books, they reframed the whole experience from the child from a medical experience to an adventure experience.

Really the question he realized retrospectively, he should have asked himself how do I bring some adventure into these poor children's lives? Not how do I give them a medical experience. That's on a more abstract level, but that's really the bigger – when you see the TED talk, he cries. He feels like he totally misunderstood the problem he should have been working on.

That happens over and over again. We've had people go to Myanmar ostensibly to design the water pumps and they realized the real problem is lighting and they design LED lighting. When it's all done, they've affected the lives of 10 million people that they wouldn't have if they'd stayed with the original problem with the water pump.

It happens on all levels of where people come in, companies assign us problems, I'm invited in as a consultant and they know a solution. They give me half the answer. Unless, I'm clever enough to reframe the problem, I'm just wasting everyone's time because they don't need me if they know the answer. It's just all the time, if you’re stuck, reframe the problem.

The way to reframe it is really simple. It's just ask yourself what do we do for you to solve the problem? Then work on that as the problem, not the original one. It's very easy to execute. I cannot tell you how many e-mails I get from people who’ve read about it in my book or heard one of my lectures, who find it's a really great tool and it's a no-risk tool. I mean, if it doesn't work, reframe it again. The way to reframe it is just simple. What would it do for me if I solve this problem? That gives you your new problem.

[0:12:03.6] MB: I love that reframing tool and I wanted to get into it, but I want to come back. Can you explain and elaborate a little bit on this idea that if you're stuck on a problem, it's the wrong one. Why do we get so fixated on solving the wrong problems?

[0:12:16.8] BR: It's just because our mind picks a solution. We jump to – as your listeners probably know, the amount of information comes in through our senses is minute compared to the amount of information that our brain has. You're getting these visual things when you look at something and then your brain tells you what you're looking at really. We're working on our historical experience. We're using stuff that's happened before and we look that way.

A good example, I was doing a workshop over at Microsoft and there's a big crowd and the question I asked people, what do you lose sleep over? This one woman was bravely enough, she raised the hand and she said, “I can't find a good man,” as an example. I come and said, “What would it do for you if you found a good man?” “Well, I’d have a good life.”

Well see, she made that jump that somehow a good man will give her a good life. Well, that's a ridiculous jump. I mean, I'm a good man and I was there not with my wife. If she had a real good man, he'd be out in the world. He wouldn't be giving her companionship. The point simply is we have a need and we try and jump to figure out what's going to satisfy it and often, it's the wrong thing. It's the classic thing when people have anxiety and they stuck themselves with food and they get fatter. They get fatter, because they don't do the right thing.

This is a perfect example. There's a woman, she's a science writer for the New York Times and she wanted to do some projects for New Year's Eve for her own readers. Somehow she talked to someone who knew me and the person told that she wanted to talk to me, because at the school we do all sorts of problem-solving.

She called me up and she said, “Well, what would be a good problem?” I said, “Well, it doesn't work that way. The way it works is you have to ask people what they're working on and then reframe it.” She said, “Well, give me an example.” I said, “Well, okay. Tell me, what in your life is really troublesome?” She said, “Well to be frank, it's a little embarrassing, but I've put on so much weight that I don't go out anymore and I skipped my college reunion because I didn't want my former classmates to see how heavy I've gotten, so all I do is sit home and meet my deadlines and write and write.”

I said, “Well okay, so what would it do for you if you lost – I mean, have you tried to lose weight?” “Oh, I've tried everything.” “All right, well what would it do for you if you lose weight?” She said, “Well, I’d have a social life.” I said, “Okay, forget about losing weight. Just work on your social life.” She said, “Thank you. I'll think about that.” Then I didn't hear anything from two months or something and then I got an e-mail from her. It says, “Look at my next Tuesday's column.”

I look at the column when it comes out and it says – well, she tells the story and then she says what happened is I just ignored the losing weight. I have a social life and I lost 25 pounds. It's a really good example how she didn't face what the real issue was and that she saw a symptom of it and tried to treat the symptom, rather than the – not disease, but the thing that wasn't working.

Yeah, I sent her a thank you message and all that. She just sent back a short message saying, “Yeah, it really works. She was amazed by it.” It's really in every realm of life. We see the solution, because it's the easy thing to do. We don't know that it would really help us. We decide to get married, because of maybe social pressures, or things like that, but maybe that's not what we're really after. If you get married, that's fine. A lot of people get married, it doesn't work and they get divorced and they try again, they try again.

It's just a matter of getting to what is really you want to get at. Now that may be hard for some people, because we tend to lie to ourselves. We don't tell selves the truth. We have a certain self-image. It’s very complicated. Basically, if you're open-minded about it and you're willing to let go, it will work. People don't even want to let go of the problems. A lot of people hug their problems. They want to talk to their friends about. They pretend they want to be rid of them, but they want to have – it gives them conversational topics. Really, if you're willing to let go of a problem, it's very easy to get the real solution.

The one thing you have to be really careful of is some people don't understand the difference between disappearing a problem and solving a problem. If you disappear a problem, it's never in your life again. It's gone. It's just totally gone. That's much better than solving a problem, because if you solve it, may undo itself and it'll still be there. Really, that's what you wanted and if you have really troublesome things, you want to make them disappear from your life. If you do that, it doesn't matter what the original problem is.

Getting back to that woman at Microsoft, if she had companionship, it wouldn't matter if she found a good man or not. If she found a loving dog, or she went into the army or whatever she would do to get companionship, or she wouldn't have to worry about finding good men. That's a disappeared problem. Then she might find a good man in spite of it, but it wouldn't be dealing with the issue of companionship.

It's a little complicated. People as you know for sure are complex, but it's a very simple model. What would it do for you to solve the problem? Don't hold on to the idea that you need to worry about the original problem. If it's really not the right problem, forget about it. Disappear it from your life.

[0:17:48.6] MB: I love that analogy of solving the symptom, instead of solving the root cause. I think it really gets to this idea of as you touched on that we have to be super clear about what we actually want, but the end result is that we're trying to really achieve. How do we battle through as you say it's deceiving ourselves to really figure out what we actually want?

[0:18:10.9] BR: You’re right. It may take some iteration, but you're doing this all in your head, or at home. There's no risk in it. If you have the wrong thing, reframe again. It's a matter of being truthful to yourself and though you may not know. You try one or two things, sometimes if you say, “What would it do for me?” You come up with something. Try coming up with several other things. Usually when you get the right thing, you feel it in your belly, you know that's the right thing.

Often work with groups, people come up with all sorts of things which are nonsense, which are not the right thing at all. It's really hard for them to tell themselves. An example of that was some woman I worked with her lack of sleep was due to getting her daughter into a good college. Clearly when I worked with her, it wasn't that at all, because once she'd gotten her daughter into a good college, she'd worry about who her daughter's sleeping with, or what her daughter is majoring in. She'd have other things to worry about.

The real problem was have to her to not have anxiety about her daughter and to let her daughter live her life and to be a supportive mother, but not an [inaudible 0:19:18.6]. Nothing to do with getting the daughter into a good college, because as I said, once you got her in there'd be other things to worry about. It's a matter of telling yourself the truth that the problem is not the daughter in college. The problem is my anxiety and I have to learn how to get it more equilibrium in my life and think or whatever. It's that thing. As I say, if it's not – doesn't strike gold the first time around, just keep reframing, you'll get to it.

[0:19:47.9] MB: I want to dig in more to this notion of lying to yourself. Why do people deceive themselves and how can we move past it?

[0:19:57.1] BR: Well, we have a self-image and we try to support that self-image, or go against – it's complicated. I grew up in New York and I know a lot of shady characters. Some of them pride themselves as being nasty people. Their self-image is that they were nasty. If they would do a kind thing, they had to make it into something nasty to make them not be soft as they think. Most of us who are more normal, we want to be nice people, we want to have a nice life and so forth.

We all do things which we're not proud of. We all do a nasty thing and we have motivations, which we're not willing to tell ourselves. It's just a matter of supporting who we want to be, or who we built ourselves up to and some people have the issues, they drag themselves down. We don't have a realistic picture of who we are in general. Whatever picture we have, we generally try to support that picture.

That makes it us have to lie to ourselves, because our actions are never – not always in accord with who we want to believe we are. That's one cause for that thing of doing – I want to be Bernie. I'm not I'm not this nasty person. Once I do something nasty, I have to lie to myself about it and blame someone for it, or make excuses. Again, we’re very complex and it's a very complex system that controls us.

Though we think we control it, whatever that is up in our head or our mind or wherever you want it, but we are on automatic so many times that it's just – I cannot tell you why I'm – to just tell you that's the way the system works and you can – there are various models as to what we're trying to do and how we're trying to protect ourselves. It's reality. I mean, everybody lies to themselves in one way or another.

[0:21:58.6] MB: You write about and talk about this under the framework of saying – you used the tongue-in-cheek phrase ‘reasons are bullshit’. Tell me a little bit more about that.

[0:22:07.8] BR: Actually, I'm more serious about than you think. I wouldn't mean and can call it a tongue-in-cheek phrase. I'd call it a definite understanding of the world. It goes like this, if you think about it, what is the purpose of reasons in the world? What purpose do reasons serve? I'm going to answer that question, so you don't have to worry about it.

For me, that the only thing they serve is to let you be a reasonable person, or pretend to be a reasonable person. If I do something nasty and someone says, “Why did you do that?” I have no reason, then I'm not a reasonable person. If I give them some reason for my doing it, then I'm a reasonable person. That's what it comes up to leaving something nice. Why did you do it?

The truth is we’re so complex. We have DNA in us that's come back down from the generations back to the cave people. We’re so complex that there's no one – there's actually no one cause for anything we do. The minute we isolate one thing as the reason we did something, we're lying. Because we're putting weight on something of which there are many different things and we're just rating it in a way that will make us feel good, in terms of our self-image or whatever we’re trying to support.

I mean, people have done experiments. They put people into MRI machines and they've given them a physical task to do. They’ve asked them the reason, push a button, push the on or the off button or something like that. Then they ask them, “Tell us why you do and didn’t do it.” It turns out that the part of the brain that fires the motor control that does it, fires much earlier than the part of the brain that gives you the reason.

Really, the model is you do stuff and then you make up a reason for doing it. That's the way we work; we do what we do. I'm not thinking about what I'm saying to you now. It's just coming out of me automatically, okay. If you ask me why'd you say that? Well, I'll think of a reason to tell you. I don't want to be rude to you, Matt. I have no idea why I said it, it just came out of my mouth and my brain. That's the way we operate.

There's many reasons for everything, but we pick the one. I often tell groups, if I'm talking to a big group, or if my mouth gets dry when I talk about it and if I say – when I get to get to talk about reasons and I say, “If you ask me why my mouth is dry, I'll say I'm talking a lot,” which is true, but that's not why my mouth is dry. It's true I'm talking a lot and it's true my mouth is dry, but I don't tell them the rest of the story.

The rest of the story is I'm always dehydrated. My wife is always on my case I don't drink enough. Invariably, I may have drunk a bottle of wine the night before, I may have biked 10 miles; a whole bunch of factors why my mouth is dry. I don't really know which one it is, but the obvious one that makes me hide stuff about me, I don't want to tell the group and makes it obvious is I'm talking a lot that my mouth is drying. No one questions that that's a good reason.

I actually used the – I put five O’s if you read my book for good, meaning no reason is good. That's all I did. It's a good reason that my mouth is dry, but that's nonsense because my mouth is dry even when I'm not talking on times. It's that thing, we have a simple cause and effect model. It doesn't work that way. It's much more complicated. There's no one course for anything practically. It goes back in your history. You don't know most of these things and the ones you know, you're going to pick the one that is the most advantageous in your conversation.

Who cares, right? It's fine. What do I care what reasons you give me? Yeah, it's just conversation, right? The problem is with that if you use reasons, they're often excuses. That's the devastating thing with reasons; they're often excuses. If you don't – if you keep using the excuses and you keep believing, you'll never change your behavior. That's why I'm very concerned and I picked a strong phrase like reasons of bullshit, meaning that any reason for human behavior is bullshit, in the sense it's not the reason.

There's many reasons for everything you do and when you pick one reason, bullshit. I don't care. It doesn't matter. It does matter to you if in fact you want to change your behavior. It's often an excuse for not getting stuff done. It's an excuse for not delivering the way you want to and for not living the life you want to. It’s an excuse for not losing weight, it's an excuse for being late, it's an excuse for not getting the job done, it's an excuse for everything and you'll never change if you don't face the truth.

My epiphany came some years ago. I was on the board of directors of a company in Berkeley and I would be in very late to the board meeting invariably. I was never on time to a board meeting. I'd come in and I'd say, in those days the highway was called Highway 17. I say, “The traffic Highway 17 was terrible.” They'd say, “It's okay, Bernie.” At some point, I realized it isn't okay and these people have other things to do with their lives and they shouldn't be waiting on me.

I realized I should either get off the board, or I should shape up and be responsible and give it another veil into my life to be there on time. Once I did that, I just left earlier. It's not rocket science. Because before, I would always just leave just in time that if there was no traffic in Palo Alto and no traffic on the road up to Berkeley, no traffic in Berkeley I'd be there in time. There was traffic, could you imagine that? There’s traffic on the road and I was always late.

Once I left early, my whole life changed. I went from the person that was always late on everything to the pain-in-the-neck who always starts everything on time and is never late at all. My life is much better. I don't have to weave in and out of traffic risking everyone's life and I don't have to make excuses. It just works so much better.

Well, I would have never done that. I would have never changed if I had just believed my bullshit reason of the traffic. It was true there was traffic, but that was not the reason I was late, okay. There were many reasons, okay, including not leaving on time. Not leaving early enough and not giving enough for the concern for being there, for my responsibility to the board.

It's that simple thing. The minute I stopped lying to myself and I could tell myself the truth, it was easy to change the behavior. If I kept lying, I would have never done it. That's what's the important thing about just keeping in mind reasons of bullshit. I work with people in the D school, nobody gives a reason, that they start with – well, I'm not going to give you the reason, right? Just nobody gives a reason for anything. They just do what they do, or they don't do what they do and they just say what's happening and what's not happening.

Another great example is I get several e-mails a month from somewhere in the world. Nowadays, it's Iran and China, Pakistan, of students who want to come to Stanford to do a PhD with me. I don't have to answer any of these e-mails. I don't know these people, but often, they're very well-researched. It's not just their professor, but they know me and they've looked up my work and all that. I feel I should be nice and give them an answer.

What I used to do before my epiphany about reasons is I used to say, “I'm sorry. I can't take you, because I don't have any money. Or I'm sorry, I can't take you because I'm going on sabbatical.” Invariably, they would push back. If I don't have any money, they have a rich uncle. If I'm going on a sabbatical, they can wait another year. It went on like that until I was just so frustrated I would truncate.

Nowadays, I don't give them a reason. I just say, “Sorry, I can't help you. Good luck.” About 90% of the time, I get an e-mail back saying, “Thanks for answering my e-mail professor.” It's the end of the story. I find in my whole life if I don't give reasons, people don't – unless people ask me for it, I don't give them a reason. I just tell them what I'm doing, or what I'm not going to do and life goes on. It works much, much better.

The point is you don't need reasons at all. The home if you use them is you're going to get in your own way and you're never going to change your behavior. If you're happy and nothing's fine, use reasons, keep doing it. If you just try it out, you're going to see it's amazing. The problem is I always want anyone I tell to, you cannot do this at home. You cannot tell anyone in your life the reasons are bullshit, because they will not like you anymore.

I have never told my wife reason of bullshit. I’ve never told my children. I never tell my friend. I tell people who do my workshops and I tell my co-workers and it's okay to say, “Bernie says this is bullshit.” It's not okay to tell someone their reasons of bullshit, but it's okay to tell yourself. It's really important to understand this is a really important tool. It works. It works with thousands of people. It works in my work environment in several places at the university.

Everyone knows they won't use bullshit reasons around me. It's really great and it makes people work at a higher level. Do not tell anyone else. If you see people doing it, just smile, just fix yourself. Don't fix anyone else, or you’re going to get into trouble. That's a long answer for reasons.

[0:31:42.8] MB: No, that was great. How does self-image tie into this?

[0:31:46.1] BR: Yeah. Well again, you’re using your reasons to support your self-image. Let's say, I have a sense of Bernie being a very reliable person and I let you down, okay. I promised you something Matt and I screw up and I don't do it. I'm not going to say, unless I’m big enough about it, I'm not going to say, “Hey Matt. I screwed up.” I'm going to give you something like, “Matt, I couldn't do that because, you know.” I'll give you some bullshit reason. That will help me not feel I let you down, but it'll also make it so I'll never change. That's the problem with it.

What I find really what you do is if you have to give someone a reason, don't be a jerk, give him a reason. If I say to myself, “I'm never going to do that again.” If I say, “Matt I'd let you down. I didn't do it because I got – I had an emergency and I say to myself in my head, “Hey, that's bullshit. I'm never going to lie to Matt again.” I'll lie to you again, but eventually I'll stop. If I keep calling myself on, eventually I'll stop and I'll say, “Matt, I want you to know I let you down. I really feel sorry about it and tell me what I can do to make it up to you.” Okay, I'll just be upfront about it. That's the difference between just being about what you want and taking responsibility for what you do and then you can become a better person if you want to. It's really easy.

[0:33:08.1] MB: I think it makes so much sense that if you almost reframe reason and just substitute that with a word excuse, in many cases you can essentially plug-and-play that and yet it completely changes the context of the statement.

[0:33:21.8] BR: That's the value in the whole concept. To me, that's the most valuable part of the whole concept. Most people won't use the word excuse, but they’ll use the word reason. What I'm doing is by calling it out that way, I'm making myself just conscious of that and it does really work. It does really cut down to these nonsense reasons. They'd let you change. That's the main thing to me; the main advantage is you can change. That’s what I would like to do in my life. I'd like to be the best Bernie I possibly can and I'm working on it.

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[0:36:09.6] MB: I want to come back to the reframing question, because I think it's really important and I want to dig into that a little bit deeper. Just for listeners who might have missed it earlier, can you restate the question that you used to flip problems and to reframe them?

[0:36:24.7] BR: Sure. If I have a problem that I’m – We're all good problem solvers, but there are problems that we get stuck on and everyone has problems they will sleep over and they just don't go away. Those problems, if you ask yourself what do we do for you if you solve that problem? If that problem was gone for your life, what would it do? How would it change your life? What would it accomplish for you?

You take the thing that it would do for you and you make that the problem you want to solve, your reframed from the original thing to the thing that you really want to happen. You have a problem then that when you do that, it opens up the solution space tremendously, because it includes the original thing you're working on, with that it won't work for you, but it gives you a whole bunch of other things that will work and often, just very simple to be there and it's over. I had a classic example in my life; I was worried they changed the laws and it was an issue whether I should retire or not. I could not retire. I was losing sleep over it.

When I applied this method to myself I said, “What would it do for me if I could decide whether to retire or not?” I said, “I could stop worrying about it.” I said, “Well, how do I stop worrying about whether to retire or not?” It was like a lightbulb. I just stopped literally and it's – I don't want to tell you how many years ago it is, I never thought about it again. Whereas, I'd lost two months sleep worrying about this decision.

I didn't even have to make the decision. Nobody can. I have beaten myself up socially thinking I had to make that decision. Once I realized once I made the decision I would for me, it’s like stop worrying about. I stopped worrying about it without making the decision. I mean, it's so simple. It was I cannot tell you the feeling of excitement I had when that happened in my head. That was a simple example of when you reframe it, often the problem just disappears because you were working on the wrong problem. Not an issue. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it's a hard problem. Now the solution space is bigger and you will find an answer.

[0:38:26.4] MB: The question is what would it do for me if I solve this problem? Then you take that result of that answer and you flip it and go to work on just achieving that result through any different avenue that you might think about.

[0:38:38.8] BR: You forget about your original problem statement. Just it's gone. You don't need that. It's gone. It's the wrong thing. You were working on the wrong thing. Oops, I didn't mean to waste all that time. Forget about it. Then go on the new thing. When you solve that, it will take care of what you thought you were going to take care of in the first place.

[0:38:57.4] MB: I think it was in your Google Talk, you mentioned the idea of never going more than two levels with that question. Can you explain that?

[0:39:04.8] BR: Sure. Yeah, well it's this whole idea of bullshitting yourself and lying to yourself. Keep going up, you’re going to get to the ultimate existence question. I've met people like that in India and they're blind from looking at the sun and they haven't talked to anyone in five years and they're naked in the woods. If you're going to stay in the game, you don't want to go up more than two levels because you get to these questions of existence. If you're going to play the game, usually one level is enough, but maybe you do it twice, so once you get to the first thing you would do for you, you ask yourself what that would do for you and you get another thing.

You can keep going on, but the truth is you've been lying to yourself because once you go up one level, or at most two, you have to know what the real question is. If it isn't, you have to just go back and start again. Because we have that workshops all the time; the people want to keep going and it's nonsense. There's never a need to go beyond one or most two iterations on that.

Then you've got the solution space and you got the problem. If you’re lying to yourself, of course you'll never be there because you're not really getting the thing you really need. You have to just go back and say, “Just imagine me,” or someone standing next to you saying, “Bullshit, bullshit. Give yourself the right reason.” You can try various reasons, but the problem is our self-image so we don't say the nasty things. I often get this thing. The problem is how do I get my company to do X, okay? Why would you want your company to do X? “Oh, well. It would be better for the company.”

Now I keep working on. It's all bullshit. They hope they're going to get a raise. They hope if they get the company to get X, they'll get recognized and their boss will give them a raise. The question is really now how to get the company to do exit questions, how do I get a raise? To tell a different question, they get the company to do X and they could even get fired. Who knows? It's that thing. People's self-images, they don't feel good that they want to get a raise or they want to better than their colleague. They make up some grandiose public thing, like something good for the company.

Well, that's never going to get you unstuck if you’re stuck, if you’re lying to yourself. That's what I'm talking about. You can go on to 10 levels and never get to the right answer if you don't tell yourself the truth, which may not be something that you're proud of. It's all done in your head. It's not much risk, except for yourself and learning more about yourself.

[0:41:40.4] MB: I want to get to the distinction between trying and doing. I know you've written and talked a lot about that as well and I think it's really important to share with the listeners.

[0:41:48.6] BR: Yeah. That's an important thing. I agree with you. I think it's a very important thing. The first thing is that Yoda aside in Star Wars who he says this, “No try, just only do.” There is a try and the trying is okay. There's nothing wrong with trying in the world and there's nothing wrong with doing. The problem is we conflate the two. We think they are the same thing and they're not.

The way I see it, if you're trying to do something it might or might not happen. If you're doing something, it's going to happen no matter what, okay? What happens is people think they're doing, but they're really only trying because they run into an obstacle and they're defeated. If people are easily defeated, that's called trying. It's not called doing. It's okay. Sometimes it's better to be to try and not to do – if you do, sometimes you might kill yourself, you might do harm to the world.

I'm not voting as to whether trying, or doing are better than the other, but I am voting and saying that do not confuse them. If you're doing, then you are going to make it happen no matter what. Within your moral stand, if I have to kill you to do it I might change my mind. If I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it – I'm not going to let an obstacle stop me. A trivial example is my wife and I we’re driving past a movie in San Francisco and I noticed a huge crowd in front of it. We drive past that movie theater many times and there never anyone in front of it.

I figured, “Wow, this is going to be a great show. We should go.” My wife was reluctant, but I convinced her. I told her to get out of the car and buy two tickets and I went to park the car. When I came back 10 minutes later, she was in front of the box office, but not on line. I asked her why wasn't she on line? She said, “They were sold out. She couldn't get tickets.” At that time, she was defeated, right?

The truth is she was trying to go. She didn't really have an investment going. She just was trying to please me. When they put an obstacle in her way with no tickets, she was over it. It was done. I was going to go, didn't matter what, so I went along the line and eventually I scrounged two tickets and we went and of course, she was right, it was terrible, we shouldn't have gone.

The point simply is it was the difference between trying and doing. She was trying, she hit an obstacle, she had a good reason for not going on, they were sold out. I was doing. The fact that they didn't have tickets didn't stop me one second. I just walked down a line and I got tickets. I bought some tickets from people. I was going to go in no matter what. I'm just going to spend, it wouldn't matter how much money. I actually bought the tickets at face value, but I would have spent a lot of money because I wanted to go. It's as simple as that, you understand?

I had another example, which is the opposite one. I was supposed to go to Dallas, Forth Worth for somebody to give me some research money. I was glad to have the money, but I really didn't want to go to the meeting. I got to the San Francisco Airport and it was a miracle, all the flights to Dallas, Forth Worth were cancelled because of snowstorms. I called up. I said, “I'm sorry. I can't come.” They said that's fine and that was the end of the story.

Now the truth is I was trying to get to Dallas and I got a good excuse not to go there. If I was really going to go to Dallas, if my life depended on getting to Dallas, Forth Worth, the fact that the airport was closed with a snowstorm would not have stopped me, okay. I still could've gotten if I really wanted to get there.

That's what you have to understand. The difference between trying and doing is there will be obstacles often. If you're trying, you'll stop and that's fine. Nothing’s wrong with it. Could be the best thing. If you really want to do it, the obstacle will not stop you. It's just an excuse if you use the obstacles of bullshit reason. It all ties together, bullshit reasons come up all the time in making us go from when we're trying – we’re doing something to trying to do it, they convert us because they stop us.

There are so many stories about miracles that happen by people transcending these obstacles and gets them to a much better solution than if there were no obstacles. In a way, the obstacles are in fact often a gift. They're not really deterrence, unless you let it be a deterrence, you see. That's what I mean with the difference between trying and doing.

[0:46:05.1] MB: I love the idea that this trying-doing distinction mirrors in many ways the same principle of moving beyond excuses and reasons and moving into execution.

[0:46:15.5] BR: Absolutely. It's actually, it's a good application of bullshit reasons, because often there – as I say, you're doing something and you get frustrated and you stop and then you have a reason, a good reason why you couldn't do it. My wife had a good reason why she couldn't do it; they were sold out. She wasn't lying. It was the truth. That's not why you can’t go to the theater. That's the same thing. These reasons are just, they’re nonsense because there are lots of ways of handling stuff.

I had a friend, I met him when he came to Stanford. He had a back injury in the shower. He was a swimmer and he had a back surgery and the surgeon told him he's never going to swim again competitively. He didn't listen. He actually went to the Olympics and he’s got a gold medal and set a world record. He's a serial entrepreneur and he told me that at a very early age that if you get an obstacle, it doesn't necessarily stop you. Walking around the obstacle can really be something, because he was a better swimmer than if he hadn't had that accident in his mind. It’s that kind of thing really, that it's just how determined you are.

You see it all the time around the university; students get frustrated with something, they walk away and some other student is more persevering, they go through and they get it. Some people just built into that. The minute they encounter a no, that means I can't do it. Other is the minute they encounter no, they get excited, “Now I'm going to do it in spite of that.” It's just your attitude towards life.

[0:47:50.0] MB: I love this idea that obstacles are gifts and sometimes they can even result in a stronger outcome, or a better result once you've transcended them.

[0:47:58.9] BR: Yeah. If you don't, you're doing a prosaic way if there's no obstacle and everything. It's just, you're going to do what everyone else would do. If you get the obstacle and you got something you know, if I had gone to Dallas, Forth Worth magically, I have a story for the rest of my life, instead of just going home reading a book, if I had chosen to take the road then, but I wasn't going. I mean, it's a gift because I was very glad to try to not get there.

It’s that way all the time. If you think about the things in your life that you're really proud of, usually it's because you got through an obstacle and you did something that was amazing for you.

[0:48:35.9] MB: You've also touched on this notion about the distinction between power and force and how that interacts with doing and trying.

[0:48:42.6] BR: Yeah. I think that's an important notion also. I think that if you – I do an exercise in my groups where I hold something and I have someone to try and take it away from me. Then I change the rule and they don't succeed. Then I ask them this time, it's a different instruction, take it away from me. Don't try to do it. Take it away from me. Oftentimes, they just try harder. They just try. What they do is they're trying to use force. The first time they’re using the little force, the next time they’re using a greater force.

If they're really want to take it away from me, they have to use power. They have to whisk it away that I don't even know what happened. It’s a Chito Davies exercises in your mind. If they exercise power, I wouldn't have a chance and they would just take it. Wouldn't even be a contest. It wouldn't be struggling over it. That whole analogy is really important, because in life it's much more better to be powerful than it is to be forceful.

If it really doesn't go and we try, we’re using force. It takes a lot of energy to try and use a lot of force and stuff. If you're powerful, you just do it. It's beyond worrying about the – just flow, just a flow is a good analogy to it. In one case it’s flows, in the other case it's effortful. In my case if it flows, it's powerful, it's a power, it's not a struggle, which is force. Now you might get me with force, but it's even you get it, it's not so elegant and it's fatiguing.

I think it is a really good notion to understand in life it's much better to be powerful than forceful. It's different. In my mind a different color, a different personality and all that. I could be – in the D school, I could be a forceful boss, but I think of myself as a powerful boss because I lead from the bottom and I don't want force anyone to do anything. I lead by example and I feel very powerful, because I know what's going to happen. Whereas, just forceful I have to watch them exactly. I don't watch anybody. I just feel it just the power exudes out of the place itself. It's both the organizational and it's personal, but it's really a good – a really good model to think in terms of.

[0:51:08.0] MB: How do we begin to operate out of a place of power, instead of a place of force?

[0:51:12.2] BR: Well, I think it has to do with integrity and not being an asshole. I think in general, people that are assholes try and be powerful, exert whatever it is. They may be in a position where they can do that, or they may not, but it doesn't work, it's not appropriate. I think, power comes – force comes from a negative instinct of pushing around instinct, and power comes from just a powerful being, just your own self, you exude what you're doing and you're confident in it, you know what your level is, you know what's appropriate for you and you work that way and well, you may recruit others, but it's done from a truly given thing, not from a forceful thing.

I would say that's my intuitive model of what I'm talking about there. It's a matter of having confidence in yourself and doing what feels the right thing for you. If it isn't, then you're working harder and you’re forcing them. Maybe you would have figure out some other way to be you and some other way to work. It's a subtle notion, but I think for me it's a powerful notion. In that one exercise that I mentioned to you about taking something away from me, I just feel it with people. I cannot tell you the difference between tugging and forcing and just the power of I can't even resist. I know don't there's no chance that I'm going to hold on to it. That happens very rarely, I might mention. It does happen on occasion. Most people use force all the time.

[0:52:51.5] MB: Overall, I think this seems like a winning formula for execution; reframing your problems, not letting bullshit reasons get in your way and operating from a place of doing. All of these seem like a really powerful combination for achieving any result that you have in front of you.

[0:53:08.0] BR: I agree. I agree. It works for my life. My book is basically based on my life experiences as a professor and as an engineer. I've been teaching this stuff for over 40 years way before there was a D school. I cannot tell you how many people are out there who I meet years later and they say, “That class changed my life. I'll never forget.” They always pick something, like reasons of bullshit, or trying or doing, or reframing. “I cannot tell you how much that helped me, professor. Thank you.”

Now we have the book, so I get all these e-mails from people I've had this problem for 30 years and my chapter three was gone. Thank you. It works. It all works. It’s like everything, not everything works every time and every moment for everyone. There's enough in it that is really useful for you to apply in your life. You have to use it. I mean, I have a colleague, he comes to workshop I do once a year. After workshop he says, “That reframing stuff is great. I just –” I do an exercise in the workshop. He said, “It just took care of my problem again.”

I'm nice to him. I hug him and I thank him, but I wonder why does he wait every year for the workshop to do it? Why doesn't he do it himself during the year when he has a problem? From that, I've got the idea that a lot of people they listen to things and they read things and they believe them. It's good, but they don't apply them. Well, to me it's useless if you don't apply it. It doesn't matter if you think it's a great idea, or a terrible idea. You have to apply it in your life and see how it works. Give it a chance and then why you experience, this stuff really works.

[0:54:46.3] MB: We call that the learning-doing gap. We have a couple podcast episodes about it. I'm curious, for listeners who want to concretely implement what we've talked about today, what would be one piece of homework that you would give them to start implementing some of these ideas?

[0:55:01.0] BR: Yeah, sure. Well, I'd say three; one is don't use reasons. It's as simple as that. Every time it's yourself using reason, attempt to stop doing it. Or if you do it, just tell yourself I'm not going to do it again, that's one. Another thing is if you find yourself losing sleep over problem several nights in a row, reframe it. That would be another thing. The third thing is next time you're doing something, ask yourself if you're really going to be doing it, or you're just trying to do it. Decide which one it is and then see what happens. Three simple things.

[0:55:38.0] MB: Great pieces of advice, all of them; easy to execute as you mentioned earlier, risk-free in the sense that there's no downside.

[0:55:45.2] BR: Absolutely. No downside at all, really.

[0:55:48.1] MB: Bernie, where can listeners find you and your work online?

[0:55:51.9] BR: Well, the best place – I have a webpage for my book, which is called – the title of the book is The Achievement Habit, but somebody grabbed that away from me. The web page is achievementhabit without the The. Just achievementhabit.com. You'll get a lot of examples and a lot of things about my book info. You'll see some of the workshops I've run. That's really a good place to refresh your mind on these things we talked about here.

[0:56:18.8] MB: Well Bernie, thank you so much for coming on the show, for sharing all this knowledge and wisdom. Really great strategies for achieving the results that we want in life.

[0:56:26.9] BR: Thank you very much. It was my pleasure to be here. It was a nice conversation. I enjoyed it.

[0:56:31.3] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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Don't forget, if you want to get all the incredible information we talk about in the show, links transcripts, everything we discussed and much more, be sure to check out our show notes. You can get those at successpodcast.com, just hit the show notes button right at the top. 

Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.


January 03, 2019 /Lace Gilger
Focus & Productivity
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The Epic Real Life Quest to Interview the World’s Most Successful People with Alex Banayan

December 27, 2018 by Lace Gilger in Best Of


Today’s episode is a bit different than a normal episode of Science of Success. We share the incredible "Real Life Story of The Epic Quest To See How The World’s Most Successful People Launched Their Careers” - including a wild journey of hacking the Price is Right, meeting Bill Gates and Lady Gaga, and an epic five year quest to study and learn form the world’s top achievers. This is a topic I’ve dedicated my life to and this fascinating discussion with our guest Alex Banayan shines some new light on one of the most important questions of our lives - what was the inflection point that set massively successful people’s lives on a different trajectory? 

Alex Banayan is the best-selling author of The Third Door, which chronicles his five-year quest to track down the world’s most successful people to uncover how they broke through and launched their careers. He has been named to Forbes’ “30 Under 30” list and Business Insider’s “Most Powerful People Under 30.” He has been featured in major media including Fortune, Forbes, Businessweek, Billboard, Bloomberg TV, CNBC, Fox News, MSNBC, and much more!

  • My passion has been studying the worlds top achievers - Alex took that to another level 

  • Alex’s seven year journey becoming obsessed with studying the world’s most successful people 

  • Do you know what do you want to do with your life? Are you on the right path?

  • How did Bill Gates, Stephen Speilberg etc achieve epic results so early in their lives?

  • When no one would talk to the world’s most successful people early in their careers - how did they break through?

  • The ridiculous story of “hacking” the Price is Right

  • “The Flinch” - when you become so nervous that you don’t do anything

  • Breakfast with Larry King 

  • The common strategy shared by the worlds top achievers

  • The world’s top achievers all treat success the exact same way 

  • The Power of the Third Door Framework 

  • Most people think success is either a function of waiting your turn or being born into it 

  • The reason most people never achieve their dream is not because the dream is unachievable but because of their fear stops them from going after their dreams

  • What makes the world’s top achievers so fearless? 

  • Top achievers don’t achieve fearlessness, instead they achieve courage 

  • Fearlessness is jumping off a cliff without thinking about it, courage is acknowledging your fears, looking at the consequences, and then deciding you care so much about it you’re going to take one step forward anyway

  • For the world’s most successful people there wasn’t one big single tipping point in their lives - it was a series of incremental small steps that compounded over time 

  • When you’re in the trenches building your dream there is no tipping point - it’s all just little steps 

  • Why you have to “Build a pipeline"

  • You’re naturally going to get “bullshit no’s” throughout your life

    1. The key to dealing with NO is having enough other people in your pipeline who are going to say yes 

  • “Adventures only happen to the adventurous” 

  • Saying Yes when you’re scared, when things don’t make sense, but you still have an opportunity in front of you

  • Everyone tries to over-optimize and wait for things to be perfect. If things are 80% there it’s up to you to jump and close that gap. 

  • The founder of TED live’s his life by two mantras:

  • If you don’t ask you don’t get

    1. Most things don’t work out 

  • The Power of Possibility transforms people much more than giving them the tools and resources to succeed 

  • Homework: If you’re looking to find your path, looking to find your passion - Take the “30 Day Challenge.” Buy a notebook, write “30 day challenge” on the front. Every day for the next 30 days you have to journal about the same 3 questions. It has to be 30 consecutive days, it can’t be spread out over several months. Pick the same time of day and consistently do it:

    • What excited me today? What filled me with enthusiasm?

    • What drained me of energy today? 

    • What did I learn about myself today?

    • The magic happens on the last few days 

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Show Notes, Links, & Research

  • [Twitter] Alex Banayan

  • [Book] The Third Door: The Wild Quest to Uncover How the World's Most Successful People Launched Their Careers by Alex Banayan

Episode Transcript


[00:00:19.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[00:00:11] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success, the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than 3 million downloads and listeners in over a hundred countries. 

Today's episode is a bit different than a normal episode of The Science of Success. We share the incredible real-life story of the epic quest to see how the world's most successful people launched their careers including a wild journey of hacking The Price is Right, meeting Bill Gates and Lady Gaga and an epic five-year quest to study and learn from the world's top achievers. This is a topic I've dedicated my life to, and this fascinating discussion with our guest, Alex Banayan, shines some new light on one of the most important questions of our lives. What was the inflection point to set massively successful people's lives on a different trajectory? 

Do you need more time? Time for work? Time For thinking and reading? Time for the people in your life? Time to accomplish your goals? This was the number one problem our listeners outlined and we created a new video guide that you can get completely for free when you sign up and join our email list. It's called How You Can Create Time for the Things That Really Matter in Life. You can get it completely for free when you sign up and join the email list at successpodcast.com.

You're also going to get exclusive content that's only available to our email subscribers. We recently pre-released an episode in an interview to our email subscribers a week before it went live to our broader audience. That had tremendous implications, because there is a limited offer in there with only 50 available spots that got eaten up by the people who were on the e-mail list first. With that same interview, we also offered an exclusive opportunity for people on our e-mail list to engage one-on-one for over an hour with one of our guests in a live exclusive interview, just for e-mail subscribers.

There's some amazing stuff that's available only to email subscribers that's only going on if you subscribe and sign up to the email list. You can do that by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the homepage. Or, if you're driving around right now, if you're out and about and you're on the go, you don't have time, just text the word “smarter” to the number 44222. That's S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44222.

In our previous episode we showed you how to solve any problem in your life using a simple and no risk tool that you can start using right away. We dug into why you get stuck on problems and how we often deceive ourselves. We talked about why reasons are often a ruse and how they can become dangerous once they turn into excuses and much more with our previous guest, Dr. Bernard Roth. If you want to be able to solve any problem or challenge you encounter, listen to our previous episode. 

Now for our interview with Alex. 

Please note this episode contains profanity. 

[00:03:11] MB: Today, we have another awesome guest on the show, Alex Binayan. Alex is the best-selling author of The Third Door, which chronicles his five-year quest to track down the world's most successful people to uncover how they broke through and launch their careers. He's been named to Forbes 30 Under 30, Business Insider's most powerful people under 30, been featured in major magazines, including Forbes, Fortune, BusinessWeek, Bloomberg, CNBC and much more. 

Alex, welcome to The Science of Success. 

[00:03:38] AB: Thank you so much for having me. 

[00:03:39] MB: Well, I'm really excited for this interview because my passion has been, for years and years and years, sort of the same passion that you have and it’s this idea of studying the world's top achievers and trying to figure out what was the inflection point or what was the change, what was the thing that set them off on a trajectory that was different from a sort of a normal person? You and I met in person at one point and we were kind of talking about this, and the thing that I'm the most interested – I read tons and tons of biographies of every – Rockefeller, Bill Gates, all of the – Warren Buffett, all of these billionaires, all of these people who are really successful and the part that's the most interesting to me is always like the first 10%, 20%, not when they’re children, but the early beginnings of their career and that part where –

[00:04:24] AB: That’s my whole obsession. 

[00:04:25] MB: Yeah, and I always get frustrated, because the whole story is about what they're doing once they’re super successful. That's not really interesting or compelling to me, because I can’t apply it. What I want to figure out is what was that breakthrough? What was that point? What was that change that they did when they were young that set them off in this different path? You took that passion to a completely another level and spent years of your life and – I mean, the stories are insane, and we’ll get into them in a second, but basically following this path that I've been fascinated with. So that's why I had to have you on the show. To start out, I’d love to figure out how that journey began for you. 

[00:04:58] AB: First of all, that means a lot, and the fact that we have the same awkward obsession is going to make this really fun. I've been doing the same thing you’ve been in really for the past seven years, just really obsessing over studying success. The journey started seven years ago. I was 18-years- old, a freshman in college and I was spending every day lying on my dorm room bed staring up at the ceiling. I don’t know if you've gone through the what do I want to do with my life crisis, but if you have, it's this all-consuming thing that you follows you everywhere you go. It's what you think about right before you go to bed. 

To understand what I am going through this crisis, you have to understand that I'm the son of Jewish immigrants, which pretty much means I came out of the womb. My mom cradled me in her arms and then she stamped MD on my ass and sent me on my way. I wore scrubs to school for Halloween in third grade and thought I was cool. That was my childhood growing up. 

I checked all the boxes in high school. I studied for the SATs. I took on the biology classes. I even want to premed summer camp. By the time I got to college of premeds, but very quickly I remember lying on my dorm room bed looking at this towering stack of biology books and feeling like they were sucking the life out of me. At first I assumed I was just being lazy, but very quickly I began to wonder, “Maybe I'm not on my path. Maybe I'm on a path somebody placed me on and I'm just rolling down.” 

So now not only do I not know what I want to do with my life. I have no idea how all the people I looked up to, how they did it. How did Bill Gates sell first piece of software out of his dorm room when nobody knew his name? How did Steven Spielberg become the youngest Judeo director in Hollywood history without a single hit under his belt? This is what they don't teach you in school. I just assumed there had to be a book out there with the answer. 

So I'm going to the library and I'm just ripping through business books and biographies and self-help books, the similar biographies you were just talking about. I had a very similar frustration that you had, which is that all these biographies had so much time talking about what Bill Gates' leadership style is like once he becomes a billionaire. But to me I wanted to know when no one would take his calls, when no one would take his meetings. How did he find a way to break through? 

It's not really about an age in someone's life. It's more about a stage. After going through all of these business books and biographies, I was left empty-handed, and that's when my naïve 18-year-old thinking kicked in and I thought, “Well, if no one’s going to write the book I'm dreaming of reading, why not write it myself?” I thought it would be super simple. I would just call up Bill Gates, interview him, interview everybody else. I thought I’d be done in a few months, that I assumed would be the easy part. The hard part I figured was getting the money to fund this journey. I was buried in student loan debt. I was all out of bar mitzvah cash. So there had to be a way to make some quick money. 

Two nights before final exams, I’m in the library doing what everyone's doing in the library right before finals. I'm on Facebook, and I’m on Facebook and I see someone offering free tickets to The Price is Right, and I'm going to college at USC, so it's not too far from where the show is being filmed. My first thought is, “What if I go on the show and win some money to fund this dream?” Not my brightest moment, plus I had a problem, I had never seen a full episode of The Show before, plus I had finals into in two days. I told myself the dumb idea, “Do not think about it.” But I don't if you’ve ever had one of these moments where an idea just keeps clawing itself back into your mind? No matter how dumb it is and you tell yourself to stop thinking about it, this one idea just keeps clawing itself back and back into your mind. 

To prove to myself this is a bad idea so I can get back to studying, I remember opening my spiral notebook and I’m sitting at this small round wooden table in the corner of the library and I opened up my spiral notebook and I write best and worst case scenarios. I just start writing out the worst case scenarios; fail finals, get kicked out of premed, lose financial aid, mom stops talking to me, mom kills me. There’s 20 cons, and the only pro was may be, may be win enough money to fund this dream, and it felt as if somebody had tied a rope around my gut and was slowly pulling in that direction. 

That night I decided to do the logical thing and pull an all-nighter to study, but I didn’t study for finals. I studied how to hack The Price is Right, and I went on the show the next day and executed this ridiculous strategy and it ended up winning the whole showcase showdown, winning a sailboat, selling the sailboat, and that's how I funded the book. 

[00:09:36] MB: The story of you hacking The Show is hilarious. I mean, it was something about – I forget the exact details, but you rolled up, you’re wearing a ridiculous outfit and costume, right?

[00:09:45] AB: . I got there and during my all-nighter of research, I'm on the 23rd O of Google by 4 AM, and I find out that The Price is Right isn’t exactly what it seems. Although it looks completely random, like, “Alex, come on down,” as if they pulled your name out of a hat. What I learned is there's a system to it and like all things in life, although it looks like random luck, there's actually a system. What I learned is there's a producer who interviews every single person, the audience right before the show begins. Then on top of that, there is an undercover producer planted in the audience, then confirm or denies the original producer’s selection. 

I’m sure you’ve done very similar things where it looks like this completely random series of events, but if you do your research or you actually do the homework, you realize there's a system and you can learn how it works. 

[00:10:35] MB: I want to hear a little bit more about the story, because I think not only is it a crazy story, but it gives a really good context to the broader journey that you went on. I mean, from somebody who had never even seen a complete episode of The Price is Right, how did you then go on to, as you’ve put it, hack it and end up winning?

[00:10:53] AB: Well, when I got to the CBS Studios where the show is filmed, the second I got there I knew I had no idea who the undercover producer is. So I’m just assuming everyone is. I’m dancing with all the ladies. I'm flirting with custodians. I’m breakdancing, and I don’t know how to breakdance. After about an hour of waiting outside the studio inline, I spotted the casting producer, and I saw him from 50 feet away and I knew exactly who it was, because during the night before I did all these research on him. I knew his name was Stan. I knew where he grew up. I knew where he went to school and I knew he had a clipboard, but it’s never in his hands. His assistant who sits 10 feet away from him holds it, and if Stan likes you, he’ll talk to you a bit more. If he really likes you, he’ll turn around and wink, and his assistant will put your name on the clipboard. 

If The Price is Right is a night club, Stan is the bouncer, and if you're not on his list, you’re out. Bore I knew it, he is standing right in front of me and he's like, “What's your name? Where are you from? What do you do?” I’m like, “Hey, I’m Alex. I’m 18-years-old. I’m a freshman in college. I’m studying premed.” He goes, “Oh! Premed? You must spend a lot of time studying. How do you have time to watch The Price is Right?” I'm like, “Oh! Is that where I am?” The joke just dies. No laughter. I can see his eyes are darting like he's about to move on to the next person. 

I had read in one of these self-help books that I read during my life crisis, it said that personal contact, personal touch, accelerates a relationship. So I had an idea. I had to touch Stan. But I’m standing like 20 feet away from him behind this railing. So I’m like, “Stan! Come over here. I want to make a handshake with you.” He’s like, “No. No. It's okay. It’s okay.” I’m like, “Come on!” So very reluctantly comes over and I teach him how to pound it and blow it up and he's laughing. He wishes me good luck and starts to walk away. He doesn't turn around to his assistant. She doesn’t write on the clipboard, and just like that it's over.

I can remember really vividly the feeling like my whole dream was sort of walking right away from me, almost like sand slipping through my fingers. The worst part is I knew I didn't even have a chance to really prove myself. So I don't know what got into me, but I felt this rumbling in the pit of my stomach and I started yelling at the top of my lungs, “Stan!” The whole audience sweeps their head around. They think I’m like having a seizure and Stan runs over and he’s like, “Are you okay? Are you okay? What's going on?” I have no idea what I’m going to say. I'm looking at him, and you have to understand Stan is in a typical Hollywood, red turtleneck, or he's wearing a black turtleneck with a red scarf even though it’s 70° outside. I’m just looking at him and I’m like, “Your scarf!” and now I really don't know what I’m going to say next. 

I just look at him with all the seriousness that I can. You can feel the tension and I just looked at him and I'm like, “Stan, I’m an avid scarf collector. I have 362 pairs in my dorm room and I'm missing that one. Where did you get it?” He starts cracking up, because I think he finally figured out what I was trying to do and he was laughing more at why I was doing it. He gives me the scarf. He’s like, “Look, you need this more than I do.” We joked around a bit more. He turns around, winks, and his assistant makes a mark on the clipboard. At that point the line moves on and I think maybe like 20 minutes later I noticed this woman with long brown hair looking around at people's nametags a lot. She’s in the audience and she’s looking around people's nametags. She keeps walking around. Then I looked closer and I see a laminated badge sticking out of her back pocket and I figure this has to be the undercover producer. 

I just come out of puberty at that point. I’m blowing your kisses and she's laughing and then I started dancing and she's laughing even more. She takes a sheet of paper out of her pocket, looks at my name tag and makes a mark. At this point you would think I'm feeling on top of the world, but it was right then that I realized I had spent my entire all-nighter studying how to get on the show. I still didn't know how to play. No big. I just out my phone and I Googled how to play Price is Right. 

I'm reading up, but about 30 seconds later I feel a tap on my shoulder and security takes my phone away. At this point I have no plan B. I remember sitting on this cold metal bench outside of the studio and I'm just sulking, and I’m sitting next to this old lady with white hair and she noticed something’s wrong. So I asked her what the problem is, and I just started venting to her. I tell her about finals. I tell her about premed. I tell her about this book. I tell her I’ve never seen a full episode of the show before, and she pinches my cheek and she's like, “Honey, you remind me of my grandson.” 

I asked her if she has any advice, and she's like, “Sweetie, I’ve been watching this show for 40 years,” and decades of wisdom starts downloading into my head in a matter of minutes and I have this idea. I gave her a big hug. I say thank you. Then I turned to the person next to me and I’m like, “Hey, I’m Alex. I’m 18. I’ve never seen this show before. Do you have any advice?” Then I turned to another person, then a group of people, then another group of people. Over the course of an hour I end up crowdsourcing the wisdom of about half the audience. Right about then, the doors to the studio opened and the rest of the show unfolds and we can go into this story in more detail if you want later. But it was less Einstein and more Forest Gump the way the rest of the show unraveled. But I ended up winning the sailboat and selling it and that prize money is how I funded this entire seven-year adventure. 

[00:16:30] MB: So I'll save. There're some other hilarious nuggets in that story. Actually, one of my, I mean, literally laugh out loud moments in the rest of The price is Right journey, but I'll save that for listeners who want to dig in to the book. You hacked The Price is Right. You win this sailboat. You sell it. What's the next step in the journey to interview and study from the world's top achievers?

[00:16:49] AB: First of all, I sell the sailboat and I have all this cash for the first time in my life and I feel like a millionaire. So I’m going back to my college campus. I’m taking my friends out to lunch to Chipotle. I'm like, “Free guacamole for everybody.” I’m feeling really good.” Now that I have the money though I realized, “All right, it’s time to start trying to get interviews.” That's when I realized I had another problem. I didn't really know exactly who I needed to interview, because I knew I wanted to interview the world's most successful people, but I didn't know who was on that list, and I don't really believe in these Forbes list or these algorithms that quantify success. I did what I always do when I have a problem. I called my best friends. 

Me and my best friends, these are the boys who I grew up with. They all came over one night. It’s midnight. We’re all in my room, and I just asked them, “If we could make our dream university, who would be our professors?” Then it became really easy. Bill Gates would teach business. Warren Buffett would teach finance. Spielberg would teach film. Maya Angelou would teach poetry. Jane Goodall would teach science, and that list, Larry King would teach broadcasting. Steve Wozniak would teach computer science, Mark Zuckerberg for tech, and it was really that list that became the treasure map for this journey going forward. 

[00:18:10] MB: So once you have the treasure map, and I want to make sure we have time to kind of dig into some the lessons from this journey too. So I want to accelerate the journey a little bit. What happens once you kind of started down that path, and was it easy to kind of get access to these people and interview them?

[00:18:27] AB: Like literally just thinking about the answers like very preposterous, because every single interview that came to be for the journey is its own ridiculous story. For Tim Ferriss, I had to crouch in a bathroom for 30 minutes and like jump out when he was walking by. One of the crazier stories, by far the most miraculous one happened about halfway through the journey. So I had just – The context is I just spent eight months on this quest to track down Warren Buffett, and I ended up hacking his shareholders meeting. But you’ve read the book. So you know it ended as a sort of this gigantic disaster at the end that sort of backfired in my face. I was really dejected. I went back to L.A. where I lived and I just couldn't get out of bed for a week. I was really down on myself. 

Again, my best friends are incredible, and one of my best friends, his name is Corwin, he wanted to cheer me up and he's like, “Yo! Let's go grab some lunch and talk.” So we go to our grocery store and we’re sitting on the sidewalk eating some sandwiches, and Corwin is trying to raise spirits and he's like, “Hey man, you just got to focus on the future. Do you have any other interviews lined up?” I’m like, “Dude, I have nothing.” He's like, “Come on! Let's say you did have an interview lined up, who would you want to talk to?” I’m like, “Dude, even if I had an interview lined up, I would probably mess that up too. Not only do I not have an interview lined up. I don’t even know how to interview people.” He's like, “Dude, you got to stop being so hard on yourself. Interviewing is not a science. It’s an art.” 

As we’re talking about this, by far the most miraculous moment of this entire journey happens. A black car pulls up and parks right in front of us. It has tinted windows. The door swings open and out walks Larry King. I don’t know if you’re the same way, but weirdly when everything is lined up perfectly for me, whenever like the stars align, that's actually when I get the most nervous. That's when I'm paralyzed by anxiety. I looked at Larry King and I just freeze, and he walks right past me into the store’s sliding glass windows and I don't say a word. 

My friend Corwin is like, “Dude, what the fuck? Why didn’t you say anything?” I call the sensation the Flinch, when I become so nervous that I don't do anything. The thing about the Flinch is it's very good at disguising itself as logic. I start giving these logical excuses to Corwin like, “Oh, I don’t want to be that guy. It's better to find an introduction.” I'm just giving all these excuses and Corwin is like, “Dude, at least you can just go and say hi.” Then excuses [inaudible s 00:18:27], I’m like, “I do know. He's in the grocery store. There's no way I'll be able to find him at this point,” and Corwin’s like dude, “He's 80 years old. How far could he get?” 

Very reluctantly I stand up and I walk into this grocery store to look for Larry King. I’m looking at the bakery section, no Larry. I walk over to the produce section, fruits, there's vegetables, there's no Larry. Right then I remembered that he had parked in the loading zone, which means he must be leaving any minute now. So this boost of adrenaline kicks in and I just start running through this grocery store and I’m running down every aisle, no Larry, no Larry, no Larry, no Larry, no Larry. I cut a corner, I'm now sprinting down the frozen food section. I’m dodging cans of tuna, no Larry. I figured he has to be at the checkout counter. So I run over to the checkout counter, no Larry, no Larry, no Larry, no Larry. 

At this point I want to kick myself, because he had been right in front of me and I hadn't said a thing. I walk out of this grocery store. I’m walking to this parking lot. I'm staring down at my feet and I looked up and 20 feet in front of me is a Larry king suspenders and all. Similar to that moment with Stan, all these pent-up energy and baggage inside of me combusted and out of my mouth uncontrollably I just yelled, “Mr. King!” and the echo reverberated through the parking lot way louder than I expected. 

The poor guy, Larry King has had quadruple bypass surgery. I'll never forget, he pretty much jumps in the air and slowly turns his head around. Every wrinkle on his face sprung back as if he's looking at the Grim Reaper. At this point I have no idea what to do. So I just start running after him and I'm like, “Mr. King, Mr. King, my name's Alex. I’m 19-years-old. I’ve always wanted to say hi,” and he's like, “Okay, hi,” and he just starts speeding off towards his car. 

I'm too late in the game to pull back now, so I just am awkwardly following him to his car and he’s know opening up, stuffing in his groceries. He opens up the driver door, he’s about to climb inside and I’m like, “Wait, Mr. King, can I go to breakfast with you?” He just looks at me like I’m this lunatic, but before he can answer, he looks out on to the sidewalk and sees about 10 people are watching this go down. I think out peer pressure almost, he just sort of shrugs his shoulders and he goes, “Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.” I’m like, “Oh my God! Thank you! Thank you so much. I’ll see you tomorrow I guess?” He's like, “Okay.” He gets in his car and shuts the door and I’m like, “Wait, Mr. King, what time?” He just looks at me and he like starts the engine and I'm like, “Mr. King, what time?” He even looks at me again and he just puts the car and drive.” 

I'm now standing in front of his car flailing my arms in the air shouting, “Mr. King, what time?” He looks at me and just goes, “9:00 and just speeds off.” The next morning it's not 9:00 and I show up at his bagel restaurant and there he is sitting in the corner booth with all of his best friends having breakfast and there’s actually an empty seat at the table, but I had a chance to reflect on how I acted the day before so I thought I’d be a little gentler. So I like walk up to the table and I'm like, “Hey, good morning, Mr. King,” and he looks to me and just mumbles under his breath. He’s like, “Blah-blah-blah.” I don't really get a response. 

So I figured he probably just wants some alone time with his friends and I'll sit at the table next to him and wait for him to call me over. So I sit at the table next to him and I’m waiting 10 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour passes and finally Larry King stands up and he starts walking toward me and then he walks right past me and heads for the exit. 

I put a hand up in the air and I'm like, “Mr. King?” He is like, “What is it kid? What do you want?” At that point I felt this very sharp familiar pain in my chest and I just looked at him and I was like, “Honestly, I just wanted some advice on how to interview people,” and this slow smile spread across his face almost as if to say, “Why didn’t you say so?” He ends up putting a hand on my shoulder and giving me one of the best monologues of interview advice and then he checks his watch and then he looks up at the ceiling as if he's debating something in his mind. He looks back at me and he goes, “All right, kid. Tomorrow, 8:45. See you here.” 

I show up the next morning at 8:45. He calls me over to his table. He asks me why I even want to learn how to interview people. I tell them about the book and he's like, “Okay, I'm in.” Over the course of the past five years I've been to breakfast with them over 50 times. 

[00:25:57] MB: The crazy thing about that story is that it's just one of, as you said, maybe a dozen or more similarly absurd and ridiculous things that happened on this kind of real-life epic quest to interview some of the world's top achievers. I want to get into some of the meat of some the lessons that you learned from this. So fast forwarding all the way to the end, just to give the audience a sense of the scope and the breadth of some of these people that you interviewed and connected with over the course of writing the book, tell me sort of who you ultimately ended up talking to. 

[00:26:28] AB: So thankfully a lot of the people in that original list ended up saying yes, But it took two years to track down Bill Gates. It took three years to track down Lady Gaga. Whether it's Maya Angelou, or Jessica Alba, or Quincy Jones, or Steve Wozniak, Pitbull, Quincy Jones, it's really been this unbelievable journey and I couldn't be more grateful for them really – Because the truth is I'm not CNN. I’m not the New York Times. I was this 18-year-old kid. So I'm very well aware that they weren’t doing this interview because it was serving them or that he was going to help them in any way. They were really helping with this mission. I believe that if all these people come together, not for press, not to promote anything, but really just to share their best wisdom with the next-generation, people can do so much more. I couldn’t be more grateful, they all came on board.

[00:27:24] MB: Obviously, in the book, you get a lot more detailed into all the specific lessons and strategies from each of these individuals. I want to come back to the meta-question that we began the conversation with, which is this notion that once you interviewed all these incredible achievers across a huge spectrum, what were some of the – Well, let’s just start with the main question that I have. What was the inflection point? What was the big change? What was the big shift? What did you see that was the common thread between all of their journeys and what set them apart from a normal every day person’s trajectory?

[00:27:56] AB: When I had started this journey, there was no part of me that I want to find that one key to success. We’ve seen those TED Talks, we’ve seen those business books, and normally I just roll my eyes. What ended up happening after the seven years of interviews and thousands and thousands of hours of research and going through hundreds of biographies, is I started realizing – I don’t know if you're a music fan, but there was almost this common melody to every single interview I did. The analogy that came to me, because I was 21 at the time, is that every single one of these people treats life and business and success the exact same way. They treat it the exact same way. 

It's sort of like getting into a nightclub. There's always three ways in. There is the first door, the main entrance, where the line curves around the block, where 99% of people wait in line hoping to get in. That’s the first door. Then there’s the second door, the VIP entrance, where the billionaires and celebrities go through and. School and society have this way of making us feel like those are the only two ways in. You either wait your turn or you're born into it. 

What I've learned is that there's always, always a third door into the entrance where you have to jump out of line, run down the alley, bang on the door hundred times, crack open the window, go through the kitchen, there's always a way in, and it doesn't matter that's how Bill Gates sold his first piece of software, or how Lady Gaga got her first record deal. They all took the third door. 

[00:29:35] MB: That was one of the most interesting takeaways that I had from the book, was this notion that there's a different path that may not be what most people's perception of success is, and as you said, most people think about it's either – I like that analogy, waiting your turn or being born with it. There's another path, there's another journey, and the funny thing about the book is that you essentially take that third door to achieving all the interviews that you had with all of these individuals. 

[00:30:02] AB: Yeah, by accident. What I've learned is that if you have a dream, it note doesn't matter if it's starting your own business, if it’s growing your existing business, if it's getting a big promotion, if it's u creating a book or a work of art that you've always imagined of creating, there is no other option but the third door. There is no other option. 

The reason I've come to learn this is that there will always be a point. One of the big things that I realized about this journey is that a universal struggle and conflict. The reason most people end up not achieving a dream is not because the dream is unachievable. It's because of their fear of going after it. When I had started working on the book, I was consumed by fear, not just the beginning, the whole way through. 

If you asked any of my cousins who I grew up with, I was like the most scared kid you would ever meet. I had a nightlight on. I was terrified of roller coasters. I was not a brave kid, and I remember when I was starting out doing this research, one of my obsessions was trying to figure out how all of these people became so fearless. I just assumed Bill Gates and Elon Musk, they had to be fearless, or else how could they have done what they did. 

What I learned during my research and when I would end up interviewing them is I started realizing every single one of these people was not only not fearless, they were completely terrified the whole way through. That was the exact opposite of what I assumed. What I learned is that while it wasn’t fearlessness they achieved, instead it was courage. While the word sounds similar, the difference is critical. Fearlessness is jumping off of a cliff and not thinking about it. That's idiotic. Courage on the other hand is acknowledging your fears, analyzing the consequences and then deciding that you care so much about it you're still going to take one thoughtful step forward anyway. 

[00:32:07] MB: I think that's a great way to put it, and even that phrasing that you just used, take one step forward, one of the other takeaways that I had from reading the book that I thought was fascinating was this idea that all of these successful people, there wasn't a single moment or tipping point that changed the entire trajectory of their lives, but it was rather one step at a time that –

[00:32:28] AB: Right. It's such an alluring idea though. As someone who’s obsessed over success, I’m sure you have too. There is this allure of like – It's almost like the Holy Grail, that tipping point. It's this like very magical concept. 

[00:32:47] MB: Exactly. We actually recently had an interview with a gentleman named Beau Lotto and he talked about this from a creative standpoint, the idea that creativity is sort of one step at a time into a place from knowing to not knowing, into a place of doubt and uncertainty, and that creative leaps from the outside look impossible or unachievable to the person making that creative leap. It's just the next step in the journey that they've been traversing. It seems you're –

[00:33:14] AB: Right. 100%. 

[00:33:16] MB: Your research uncovered essentially the same conclusion about the success of Bill Gates, and Lady Gaga, and Steven Spielberg and all these incredible people that you came across in your journey. 

[00:33:24] AB: Yeah. What I've learned is that when you're looking in hindsight, only then can you see a tipping point. If you're looking back on Bill Gates’ career from a 50-year vantage point, you're zooming out and you can see all 50 years. Yeah, you can say, “IBM deal he made in Boca Raton was critical to the eventual success of Microsoft.” 

Now, when you're Bill and you’re 20-years-old and you're going into that meeting with IBM and they're telling you to go fuck off, it sure doesn't feel like a tipping pint. Then when you get the deal and it's about to fall apart because you can’t finish it on time and your employee wants to quit and your server crashes, it sure doesn't feel like a tipping point. What I've learned is that when you're in the trenches, when you're an entrepreneur, when you're building a dream, there is no tipping point. It's all just little steps. 

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[00:36:36] MB: There's another idea that came out of the book that I thought was really fascinating, and it was the notion of building a pipeline. Without going super in detail, I’d love to talk about or maybe just touch on briefly how you met Elliott and how he sort of shape that journey and tell you that lesson as well. 

[00:36:53] AB: Well, the book on the outside is really this book about tracking down the world's most successful people and uncovering how they launched their careers. But there’s also all these layers of themes, and one of the biggest themes is how critical mentorship is to achieving a dream. By far, the biggest mentor I met happened about a year into this journey. This is the mentor that changed the course of this book. 

It’s a year in, I've been working on the book nonstop. I'm still in college. Finally after a year, I was – To me, Bill Gates, was my Holy Grail interview. That was the mountaintop. About a year I get a call from Bill Gates’ chief of staff. It took me a whole year to make this happen. But I finally am on the phone with Bill Gates right hand guy. 

I’m standing in a CVS parking lot eating like an ice cream cone. I’m 19. He’s like, “So you want to interview Bill, huh?” I’m like, “Yeah! It’s my biggest dream,” I'm telling all about the book. He’s like, “Look, I love what you're doing. I love that you're doing this to help your generation, and I feel like I'm 95% there.” He's like, “But the thing is you’re only about 5% there,” and I’m like crashing down to the ground, and he explained to me that, “Look, even when Malcolm Gladwell wanted to interview Bill Gates for outliers, it wasn't an obvious yes.” Bill Gates' chief of staff is telling me I need to go build more momentum and I need to go get a publishing deal with either Penguin or Random House and to call him back when that’s done. 

I remember just standing in the parking lot after he hung up and just two words were echoing in my head, “5%.” I remember going back to my room with my head in my hands wanting to pull out my hair, because if I am on the phone with Bill Gates chief of staff and I'm only 5% there, then I must be at -50% with people like Bill Clinton, or Richard Branson. I end up having this thought like sort of flashed through my mind, this random, almost like itch in my head, and I remember someone once told me about Richard Branson and Bill Clinton speaking on a cruise ship once. So almost to procrastinate, I take on my laptop and I Google Richard Branson cruise ship. This article pops up. It's on fastcompany.com and the headline says, “Summit Series takes the high seas.” 

I start reading this article and its talking about Richard Branson is the keynote speaker and there's Tim Ferriss, Gary Vaynerchuk and Blake Mycoskie and Russell Simmons and you know The Roots are the house band and it's all happening on this cruise ship in the Caribbean and I'm like salivating. This is like my book in cruise ship form. 

I'm reading and I'm reading and I'm reading and at finally at the end of the article it says, “Summit Series was founded by serial entrepreneur Elliot Bisnow, 26-years-old.” I was like, “What the fuck?” My cousin is 26-years-old. I didn't think you could do that at this age. I end up Googling Elliott Bisnow and I go down another Google rabbit hole where hours start passing by without me noticing. I'm just reading everything I can. I’m skipping meals without noticing, and reading about a Elliott online was sort of like reading about the guy from Catch Me If You Can, where there's a lot of stuff about them on the internet but nothing that actually said who he was and what he did. 

By the end of that night, I remember feeling this very overwhelming sensation of, on the one hand, I can't wrap my hands around the sky. But on the other hand, I felt like if there is anyone on earth who could teach me how to build momentum and who could teach me what I have to do to get to Bill Gates, it have to be this guy, Elliott Bisnow.

I remember closing my eyes, and when I opened them, I took out my journal and I opened to a fresh page and I wrote, “Dream mentors,” across the top and I underlined it. On the first line I wrote Elliott Bisnow, and a couple of weeks later, I'm in the library studying for an accounting exam. It finals again. It was time for an accounting final, and I couldn't get this Elliott guy out of my head and I needed to focus on studying. So I was like, “All right, I’ll just spend 10 minutes writing Elliot a cold email and then I’ll go back to studying. 

I had interviewed Tim Ferriss a bit earlier. So Tim Ferriss gave me his cold email template. So I use this secret Tim Ferriss cold email template and I email Elliott Bisnow, but of course it takes me three hours to really perfect this email and edit it down. I end up sending it off to Elliot. I can't even find his email address online. So I end up having to guess what it is. An hour later I get a reply, “Great email. What are you doing on Thursday?” I look at my calendar and on Thursday it says, “Accounting final exam.” So I replied back to Elliot the only thing I can, I go, “I’m completely free. What do you have in mind?” He goes, “Great. I'll meet you at 8 AM on Thursday in Long Beach at the Westin Hotel,” and he's like, “Read this book before we meet.” I’m thinking, “All right, my final isn’t until 12 in the afternoon, the meeting is at 8 AM. It's probably going to go 15 minutes. I'll still make it back in time for finals.” 

I read the whole book Elliot told me to read and I show up for this meeting at 8 AM, but our 15 minute meeting turns into four hours. I end up missing my file, but I end up spending that entire summer traveling with Elliott around the world. He not only became my mentor. He’s still my best friend to this day. 

[00:42:39] MB: There are so many interesting lessons from your relationship with Elliott. I mean, there are so many takeaways that I want to pull out of this. One of the lessons that you had from Elliott and one of the ideas that he shared was this notion that adventures only happen to the adventurous. I want to talk about that, but before we dig into that, let’s come back to this idea of pipelines, because that was one of the biggest takeaways that I took away from the book and I think that Elliott taught you as well.

[00:43:04] AB: Right. I learned this the hard way, because I had mentioned briefly earlier, I went on this eight-month quest to track down Warren Buffett where the only thing I did for eight months was trying to get an interview with Warren Buffett, and Elliot was just yelling at me. He’s like, “You idiot! You have to build this pipeline.” 

What Elliot was trying to explain to me is that you're naturally going to get what he calls bullshit noes, where you ask someone, let's say, for an interview and they're like, “Oh, I would love to. I’m just really busy right now. Thank you so much.” That’s a bullshit no. That's not the real – It’s not just that they're busy. Everyone's busy, but if Opera calls and says, “I want to interview you tomorrow,” all of a sudeen you become free.” 

Elliot is like, “They're called bullshit noes,” and Elliot’s like, “I get a thousand of them a week.” He said the key to dealing with bullshit noes is you will never be able to logically argue a bullshit no, because you don't actually know the real reason. You need to do a couple things. He gave me three things. The one is you have to build a pipeline. If you have 30 people that you're working on, if you got a bullshit no from one, you still have 29 more to work on and it frees you up from being desperate, because desperation clogs intuition. That’s the first one, building a pipeline. 

The second one, he said, “You have to think bigger.” If you’re offering someone, the reason they probably say no is cause what you’re offering them isn't big enough. It's not exciting enough. It's not commanding attention. The third thing is, is you're not thinking – He's like, “You have to think different,” where you're asking these down the middle request, “Can I sit down in your office for 60 minutes?” These very down the middle things, but he is like, “Look, if you –” With Warren Buffett, I ended up asking my questions to him during his shareholders meeting with Larry king. I ended up having breakfast with him with Steve Wozniak. We had lunch outside Apple headquarters. He’s like, “You need to start thinking more differently.” So those are the things that Elliott did that started changing me from just being hounded with noes starting to slowly get some more yeses. 

[00:45:08] MB: I think a pipeline is something that a lot of people don't think about when they envision marching towards their goals, and it's something that's been really helpful for our show as well, is having people – Not every guest says yes to us and there's lots and lots of noes that we've gotten, but it’s not about the people who say no. It's about the people who say yes. 

[00:45:26] AB: Right. 100%. 

[00:45:27] MB: The other fascinating lesson that was I think one of Elliott's catchphrases was adventures only happen with the adventuress. Tell me a little bit about that. 

[00:45:35] AB: He has a lot of good phrases. 

[00:45:37] MB: He does. He does, and they’re littered throughout the book. I mean, I know it involves at some point or another last-minute flights around the world and all kinds of crazy stuff that you go a lot more detail into in the book, but I just thought that was a great phrase. 

[00:45:49] MB: I think it's not only a phrase, it's a way of life, where Elliott's phrase of adventures only happen to the adventurous, is it's not just literally about you jumping on airplanes and stuff like that. It's really about just saying yes when you’re scared, when things don't make sense, when an opportunity is in front of you, you have to jump. 

Every so often you'll be lucky enough if the stars align 80%, and I think what Elliott is really trying to say is that everyone tries to over optimize and wait for things to be perfect until they’re hundred percent lined up. Really what his life motto is it's never going to 100% line up. If it's 80% there, it's up to you to jump and close that gap, and that's what adventures only happen to the adventurous means. 

If someone says, “Hey, it was great meeting you. Let me know the next time you're in L.A.,” saying, “I'll be there next week.” Even if you don't have money, you’re selling your laptop so you can buy a Greyhound bus ticket to go across the country, that’s adventures only happen to the adventurous. 

[00:46:55] MB: And that ethos underscores the whole narrative throughout the book, including one of the last themes I’d love to touch on is this combination of the power of boldness and not being afraid to ask for something, and this notion of the mindset of possibility. Tell me about those. 

[00:47:13] MB: One of the best – Talking about like great quotable catchphrases, one of them came from the founder of TED. He said something that I'll never forget. He like looked me in the eyes and he goes – He’s like, “I live my life by two mantras.” Number one, if you don't ask, you don't get. Number two, most things don't work out.” I think that's like the perfect balance of life mantras. Number one, if you don't ask, you don't get. Number two, most things don't work out. 

I love that, and really like you said, all of these – If you look at any one of these individual stories in the book, if you look at how Spielberg launched his career, if you look at – It doesn't matter who you're looking at. There might be different stories and different lessons. The Bill Gates chapter has Bill Gates’ negotiating secrets. But when you pull back, when you get to the end of this journey and you can sort of look at it in hindsight, I started realizing that the soul of this book goes much deeper and it's really about possibility. 

What I've learned is that you can give someone all the best tools and tactics in the world. and for some reason their life still feels stuck. But if you change what someone believes is possible, they’ll never be the same. 

[00:48:29] MB: That’s a great way to look at it. That idea has shaped my life in many, many ways and sometimes you have this shift in the way that you perceive the world and it suddenly opens a tremendous amount of opportunities. 

[00:48:40] AB: Yeah. I'm all for optimizing and using research and data to figure out how to make sure you achieve your goals, but that's like the frosting on the cake. I think sometimes it doesn't work unless you have that foundation of a mindset of possibility, because you’re going to have all the hacks in the world at your disposal. But if you don't actually believe it's possible, you'll never try it. 

[00:49:07] MB: And that in many ways wraps together a lot of the themes you write about in the book and go in much more detail and contextualize with amazing and hilarious and absurd stories, some of which you touched on and many of which there’re tons more that we haven't even scratched the surface of or we’re going to run out of time and won’t be able to. But this idea that taking the third door, that there is another path out there if you can see it, if you can conceive of it, if you can believe in it, if you can be bold enough, adventurous enough, as you put it, courageous enough. There is a huge amount of magic and opportunity out there in the world, but you have to take that step. You have to take that action. You have to be somebody who executes. 

[00:49:47] AB: 100%. Yeah, I couldn’t agree more. 

[00:49:49] MB: So for listeners who want to execute, who want to take action, who want to concretely implement some of these ideas and themes into their lives, what would be one piece of homework that you would give them as an action item to take action and implement some of these themes that we've talked about today?


[00:50:05] AB: So it sort of depends on what stage you are in your journey. I have different action items that I always recommend people if they’re in the middle of their grind, in charging through the must, a lot of people who I've been meeting on the book tour are people who – Some people are just starting out with their careers. Some people are late in their careers, in the 50s, and 60s and they're trying to find their next big jump. Let's say you're in that latter group, where you’re looking for that patch and you're looking for your path something that makes you jump out of bed every day. Here is something very concrete that you can start doing today that will change your life forever, and it sounds super simple, but the results are unbelievable. It sounds so simple that it's almost hard to believe that it’ll even make a difference. But it is shocking, and it's called the 30-day challenge, and this is how it works. 

If you want to do this, go by, go today to – Go to like a pharmacy and buy a $1 spiral notebook, a really just simple spiral notebook and write 30-day challenge on the front, and it's really important that this is a fresh spiral notebook and there’s no many other writing in it. So you write 30-day challenge on the front and every day for the next 30 days you have to journal about the same three questions, and it's super important that these are 30 consecutive days. You're not doing 30 days spread out over a few months, over a year. You're doing 30 days in a row and you have to choose one time of the day, whether it's morning or night, where you will consistently do this. These are three questions you have to journal about. Number one, what excited me today? What excited me today? What filled me with enthusiasm? What excited me today? That's the first one. The second one is what drained me of energy today? What drained me of energy today? The third one is what did I learn about myself today? 

If you journal on these three things, the first few days will be sort of, but by day 10, 12, you're going to start really hating this exercise. It’s going to start feeling really boring and really repetitive and you're not can you think it's going anywhere and you’re going to want to stop. By day 20, it's going to start getting a little interesting again. By day 28, 29 and 30 is when the magic happens, because then you can start seeing that pattern over 30 days, and I highly, highly recommend anyone who's looking for their path, looking to find their enthusiasm, looking to find their passion, looking for the next step to feel more alive, to go after their life's work, the 30-day challenge helps more than I could say. 

[00:52:41] MB: That was great, extremely practical and applicable. For listeners who want to find out more about, who want to find the third door, where can they find you and the book online? 

[00:52:49] AB: The book is everywhere you like to buy books. So whether it's Amazon, or Barnes & Noble, Kindle, audio books, I recorded the audiobook myself. So it’s a ton of fun. So it’s on Audible and iTunes, and if you ended up getting the book because you heard it on the podcast, definitely say hi to me on social so I could say thank you. My handle is @AlexBanayan. So A-L-E-X B-A-N-A-Y-A-N, and I would love, love, love to say. 

[00:53:18] MB: Well, Alex, thank you so much for coming on the show for sharing your stories, some of your stories and all these wisdom. I can say I've read the book and it was a fascinating journey. Incredible stories, you'll laugh, you'll cry, but it reminded me of when I read it the first time that I read the 4-Hour Work week, and it had that kind of energy that vibe that more than anything opens the space of possibility and makes you think about all the exciting cool and fun and unknown things that are out there. 

[00:53:48] AB: Thank you so much, man. That means more than I could say. 

[00:53:51] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.


December 27, 2018 /Lace Gilger
Best Of

Why It’s So Hard To Follow Through On Your Goals with Dr. Sean Young

December 20, 2018 by Lace Gilger in Focus & Productivity

In this episode we ask - why you don’t follow through on the things that are most important to you? How can someone facing down near death fail to follow essential health protocols? What causes people to self sabotage? Why is it so hard to follow up and follow through with your goals? We share the important lesson that it’s not about more information - it’s about finding the right pattern of behaviors and habits to match with your desired goal - and building a scientifically validated process to make sure you actually achieve them. We discuss this and much more with our guest Dr. Sean Young. 

Dr. Sean Young is the Executive Director of the University of California Institute for Prediction Technology. He has previously worked with companies such as NASA and has spoken in forums such as the European Parliament. He is the author of the #1 Wall Street Journal Best-Seller Stick With It: A Scientifically Proven Process for Changing Your Life - For Good and his work has been featured across the globe.

  • When we fail to create personal change, is it a question of lack of willpower?

  • Why don’t we follow through on the things that matter most to us?

  • It’s not about changing the person, its about changing the process 

  • What is the science behind sticking with your goals?

  • It’s almost never a question of having enough information - smokers KNOW smoking is bad, and yet they keep doing it, people KNOW how to lose weight, but they don’t 

  • “A, B, C Behaviors"

  • Automatic Behaviors

    1. Burning Behaviors

    2. Common Behaviors 

  • Not all behaviors are created equal - and not all habits solve certain kinds of behaviors 

  • Automatic behaviors happen without conscious thought

  • Burning behaviors - things like addictions, “having to do something” having to play video games, having to check your phone, having to text someone, etc. 

  • Common behaviors - we are aware of what we’re doing - but we often can’t stick with it because other things come up 

  • The 7 Forces of Behavior Change - well documented psychology research 

  • The “SCIENCE” Framework - each letter represents a different one of these 7 tools you can use to create behavior change

  • Step Ladders

    1. Community

    2. Important

    3. Easy

    4. Neurohacks

    5. Captivating

    6. Engrained 

  • We have to create behavioral and habit change in small incremental steps

  • The “steps, goals, and dreams” framework that helps quantify and looks at how to differentiate between steps, goals and dreams

  • A dream is something that takes more than 3 months 

  • A goal takes between 1 and 3 months

  • A step takes a week or less

  • Make change easier for yourself - remove barriers to the behaviors you want to foster and create barriers towards the things you don’t want to do 

  • Joe Colombe and the story of building a business around making it easy for consumers 

  • What are “Neurohacks” and how can we use them to switch our behavior over time?

  • If you want to create change it doesn’t start with the mind, it starts with the behavior first, and then your mind will follow 

  • Rewards sometimes work, but they need to be the right ones. 

  • The rewards you use have to be the most captivating 

  • First, figure out what kind of behavior it is. Then, determine the right Force of Behavior Change to use on that particular favor. 

  • Most powerful Tool for each behavior type?

  • A & B behaviors - Easy is the best thing to do 

    1. C behaviors - step ladders & community are the key pieces (social support, competitions and breaking it down into easy steps)

  • Homework:

  • Step One: What Kind of Behavior Are You Trying to Change?

    1. Step Two: Put together a calendar, and take small action steps towards the goals you want to achieve. 

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Show Notes, Links, & Research

  • [Article] The “Do Something” Principle by Mark Manson

  • [Personal Site] Sean D. Young PhD

  • [Twitter] Sean Young

  • [Book] Stick with It: A Scientifically Proven Process for Changing Your Life-for Good by Sean D. Young

Episode Transcript


[00:00:19.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[0:00:11.8] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success; the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than three million downloads and listeners in over a hundred countries.

In this episode, we ask why you don’t follow through on the things that are most important to you? How can someone facing down mere down fail to follow essential health protocols? What causes people to self-sabotage? Why is it so hard to follow-up and follow through on your goals? We share the important lesson that it’s not about more information. It’s about finding the right pattern of behaviors and habits to match with your desired goal and building a scientifically validated process to make sure you actually achieve them. We discuss this and much more with our guest Dr. Sean Young.

Do you need more time? Time for work, time for thinking and reading, time for the people in your life, time to accomplish your goals? This was the number one problem our listeners outlined and we created a new video guide that you can get completely for free when you sign up and join our e-mail list. It's called How You Can Create Time for the Things That Really Matter Life. You can get it completely for free when you sign up and join the e-mail list at successpodcast.com.

You're also going to get exclusive content that's only available to our e-mail subscribers. We recently pre released an episode in an interview to our e-mail subscribers a week before it went live to our broader audience and that had tremendous implications, because there is a limited offer in there with only 50 available spots that got eaten up by the people who were on the e-mail list first.

With that same interview, we also offered an exclusive opportunity for people on our e-mail list to engage one-on-one for over an hour with one of our guests in a live exclusive interview just for e-mail subscribers. There's some amazing stuff that's available only to e-mail subscribers that's only going on if you subscribe and sign up to the e-mail list. You can do that by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the home page.

Or if you're driving around right now, if you're out and about and you're on the go, you don't have time, just text the word “smarter” to the number 44-222. That's S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44-222.

Our previous episode was a bit different than a normal episode of Science of Success. We shared the incredible real-life story of the epic quest to see how the world's most successful people launched their careers. Including a wild journey of hacking the price is right, meeting Bill Gates and Lady Gaga in an epic five-year quest to study and learn from the world's top achievers.

This is a topic I've dedicated my life to and this fascinating discussion with our previous guest, Alex Banayan shines some new light on one of the most important questions of our lives; what was the inflection point that set massively successful people's lives on a different trajectory? If you want to discover what set the world's top achievers on their own unique and different paths, listen to our previous episode.

Now, for our interview with Sean.

[0:03:28.8] MB: Today, we have another exciting guest on the show, Dr. Sean Young. Sean's the Executive Director of the University of California Institute for Prediction Technology. He's previously worked with companies such as NASA and has spoken in forums such as the European Parliament. He's the author of the number-one Wall Street Journal bestseller Stick With It, a scientifically proven process for changing your life for good. His work has been featured across the globe. Sean, welcome to the Science of Success.

[0:03:56.1] SY: Thanks for having me, Matt.

[0:03:57.4] MB: Well, we're really excited to have you on the show today. To start out, I'd really love to dig into this fascinating idea that you talked about, which is that personal change in our current society we often think about people's inability to change as a problem of willpower, or a problem with the individual, but you say that that may not be the case.

[0:04:16.9] SY: Yeah, there are a lot of misconceptions we have about change and how people, how we ourselves or others can stick with things that we want to do. That's really what got me interested in this area and ultimately, writing Stick With It. There were a number of personal and professional things going on in my life back, I guess it's about 15 years ago now. I was a graduate student at Stanford studying psychology. I was working at NASA Ames and in startups and I was a musician. I have a music background.

There are a number of things going on that got me to question why don't people stick with things that we want to do? Ultimately, one of the most important of those issues was something very personal to me related to my family. I'm really close with my family. I'm extremely close with my brother. My brother has something called Crohn's disease, or a intestinal disease. He and I were in a band. I was up at grad school at Stanford, the band came up, we played a show. He after the show, couldn't go back home to Southern California with the rest of the bandmates. He was in too much pain.

I brought him the emergency room and it turns out that his intestines had burst. They said he was minutes away from dying. He almost died. Afterward, he was in the hospital there at Stanford for about two or three weeks recovering. They told them he's going to have to take daily medication. He was going to have to do other things to change his life. My mother and I who were there, we’re really pushing you got to reduce stress and meditate and eat better and exercise and all these things, which he said he would do a 100%. Ultimately, he did not end up doing those things.

It really got me questioning – I mean first, it made me angry. It made me frustrated. I was so scared, because I had been right next to him when he almost died and now he wasn't following through with these recommendations that he said he would do, that he knew were good for him. Why was he not doing these things?

I initially was studying thinking is it something wrong with him? Over time from studying this from applying the research that I did in psychology, from applying it with technologies we've done, and over 15 years or so of time of studying and talking to experts, I found that so many people, really all of us have this same issue, where there are things that all of us in our lives or in our work say that we're going to do or want to do, but don't follow through.

We're often, we typically are taught to put blame on ourselves or on others for not following through at those things. We're told, if you want to be able to be more successful at work, just be like someone else who's more successful. We have examples of Bill Gates or Mark Zuckerberg or Steve Jobs in tech. Just become like them and read a book, or become the way they are, have the same routine that they do.

In medicine, I'm a professor in family medicine at UCLA. I'll talk with doctors and will say, I prescribed medication to my patients. They didn't take it. What's wrong with them? We're taught to become someone else, or put the blame on ourselves, or others if we don't follow through. What I've learned through this research over a number of years is that it's not about changing the person. It's just about changing the process.

All of that led to through the course of my own study and research doing this at UCLA as a professor and overseeing the Center for Digital Behavior and Institute for Prediction Technology, we've studied this research in our own work with patients within public health and I consult on the side and have done it with consulting with companies and startups, and even have applied this science that I've learned to my own life. Ultimately, Stick With It was my attempt to when people ask me these questions of what is the science spine of how to stick with things.

I took research from old classic research from psychology and distilled that, as well as cutting-edge research from our own group and others into packageable new material of how do we use the science of sticking with things.

[0:08:53.6] MB: Why is it that we don't follow through on the things that often matter most to us?

[0:08:58.1] SY: There are a number of reasons. One of them, we are taught to assume that people don't stick with, or just not educated enough. That's one thing we're taught. We're told, if you don't exercise, if you don't sell enough products, whatever it is, you just don't have enough information is what we're told. That's actually not really true.

In public health research, we know with smoking you can tell someone, you’re going to hit them over the head tell them not to smoke and why they shouldn't, but they just keep doing it. Education is not the reason why we don't. It's not lack of money. We're taught that if you just pump money into something and if you advertise the hell out of it and then people will keep buying it. That's not true.

We've learned what it really comes down to is that there are three different types of behaviors, or what I call A, B and C behaviors, or what stands for Automatic, Burning and Common behaviors. I can get into this in a minute later on. Not all behaviors are the same. We can't just – a lot of people talk about habits; just build habits and if you build good habits, you'll be able to do whatever you want in your life.

Well, habits are only a small part of the behaviors we do in our lives. Habits are unconscious things that we do. There's a science behind how you build habits and stick with habits, but what about the rest of all the different types of behaviors we do? Well, there are three different types of behaviors and there's a science and specific tools for how we change and stick with those behaviors. People are not incorporating that science of I call the ABCs of behavior and there are seven tools for how we change those ABCs.

[0:10:46.7] MB: It's a really interesting conclusion that not all behaviors are created equal and not all habits solve each behavior.

[0:10:55.3] SY: It's intuitive if we think about so many other things, but we don't think about that in terms of psychology. We’re all aware of physical forces in our lives, even if we haven't taken a physics class, we know that there are physical forces moving on an object. An airplane, we have to be aware of winds on an airplane and how it affects the winds and things like that to fly it safely, the aerospace engineers who make it, the pilots, everyone who's a part of it has to be aware of those physical forces that move objects.

There are actually physical forces, or there are behavioral forces that move people in certain ways too and we need to be aware of those behavioral forces. There are seven of them that I talked about in Stick With It. What it means is that just if you're using a toolkit and you can't use a screwdriver, let's say to hammer something down, there are specific tools, behavioral tools that we can use for changing different types of behaviors, because they're not all the same.

[0:12:04.5] MB: Before we get into the different toolkits and how we should apply them to each of those behaviors, which I think is a great insight and a really thoughtful way of approaching this problem, I want to dig a little bit deeper into each of these as you call them ABCs of behavior. Let's start with the A, the automatic behaviors. Tell me what exactly are automatic behaviors and how do we notice or discover them in our lives?

[0:12:26.8] SY: Yeah. Automatic behaviors are things that like the name, we do automatically. We're not even aware that we're doing them. Let's say you and I are talking and you're – are you a New Yorker? You look like you're on the East Coast, right?

[0:12:41.2] MB: I'm in Nashville, but I used to live in New York.

[0:12:43.5] SY: You used to be in New York, okay. Well, so New Yorkers are – my family's from New York and New Yorkers are often loud and talkative and interrupt each other all the time. If I was interrupting you while you're talking, probably something that I'm doing and I'm not even aware that I'm doing. It's just, let's say something that I was brought up, or got used to doing. That's something that happens automatically. It's an automatic behavior. Automatic behaviors are because they're done automatically, there's a certain way and certain tools that you use for changing automatic behaviors.

B behaviors are burning behaviors. These are things where you're aware of what you're doing, but you feel you can't stop yourself. When you wake up in the morning, I mean, I don't know about you, but probably the first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is I lean over and grab my phone and maybe I'll check e-mail, or check what time it is, or whatever it is. I can stop myself from doing it, but it's pretty difficult. It's just become – I wouldn't call it a habit, because it's not completely automatic, but it's difficult to do it.

We're conscious of what we want to do, but it feels we can't stop. Addictions, or the way we typically people talk about addictions not from a clinical perspective, but when we typically talk about addictions, we're talking about burning behaviors. Things like, just having to play video games, having to check your phone, having to check a text message, those are burning behaviors. Because we're aware of those, there's a different – slightly different set of tools for changing B behaviors an A behaviors.

Last, C behaviors are common behaviors. These are called that because it's actually the most common of all behaviors. Most things that we want to change are C, or common behaviors. Common behaviors where we're aware of what we're doing. We just often can't stick with it, because other things come up. Let's say, I want to be able to get more work done today. I was talking to someone yesterday and he called me and he was coming actually from a real estate investor background. He wanted to be able to be more efficient with his work. How does he avoid distractions that are coming up?

Often, if we’re working and our friends call us and say, “Hey, let's go out to dinner,” or some other distraction comes, we would just put our work aside and say, “I'll get back to it later.” That's a C behavior. It's often due to motivation, or other types of distractions. There's a different set of tools, or forces used for changing C behaviors than B or A. You can understand when people often say, right now there's this big emphasis on changing habits, well if you want to get yourself to go for a run every day, that's never going to be an automatic habit. You're never just going to put on your running shoes, go run around for a half hour, come back and not even realize that you did it. That's never going to happen. It's a C behavior, because we're at least a lot of the time that we go for a run, we're going to be aware of what we're doing. We need different tools for getting ourselves to do that.

[0:15:57.7] MB: Are common behaviors positive goals, things we’re aspiring towards, or the negative things we’re trying to avoid, or can they be both of those?

[0:16:05.9] SY: It can be both. You can imagine a common behavior could be I want to – like in the example I just gave, this person wanted – he’s a real estate investor. “I want to be more efficient with my time. I want to avoid distractions and focus more.” Those could be flipped around either way. It could be, “How do I avoid distractions and remove distractions, or how do I train myself to focus more?” The same thing, I want to be able to run more, or I want to stop eating junk food.

[0:16:35.2] MB: We have all these different buckets of behavior and there's also a toolkit that you've not necessarily developed, but brought to light and done some research around as well that you talk about the seven forces of behavior change that we can use to bring to bear on each of these different behaviors. Tell me a little bit about that.

[0:16:52.7] SY: A, B and C is I came up with that just based on seeing behaviors aren't all the same. The seven forces or tools for changing them, those are well-documented throughout psychological research, that there are a lot of different things that we can do to change people's behavior. I put these together in a framework called SCIENCE, where each one of the letters of the word ‘science’ represents a different one of these seven tools.

The acronym SCIENCE, I didn't call it science because you have to be a scientist, or you have to be a doctor or anything. It's just so that we remember these are rooted, like this podcast where you want to [inaudible 0:17:36.2] on science. These are rooted in decades of scientific research, as well as in more cutting-edge research.

We can get into each one individually. The S stands for stepladders, C for community, I for important, E for easy, N for what I call neuro hacks, the next C stands for captivating and the last E stands for engrained.

Maybe a good starting point is to talk about stepladders. That one is first and it's also the simplest, not necessarily the easiest to implement, but it's the simplest idea. It's just the idea of let's do things in small steps. If you want to get yourself, forget others to continue doing things, then doing them in small incremental steps is helpful. What is a small incremental step? How do we know what that actually is?

There was a person I ran into. I was at the market and this guy was just – he wanted to run a marathon. He was telling me a story and he said he had been trained in army intelligence, so he was at the Language Institute in Monterey; really smart guy. Trained in Arabic language and at the institute, he – in high school he was a cross-country runner; ran 10 miles easily. In high school, studied at the language institute, went off to the military, served our country in Afghanistan and army intelligence. Came back after service and decides, “I'm going to run a marathon.”

I mean, if there's anyone who can run a marathon, it would be this person. Like I said, he had the training from run – he knew how to run from high school, from running cross-country, he was smart, he was motivated. I mean, he had routines down. The military trained him. He's already – you ask someone and they would say, “Yes, I'd put my chips on this guy that he's going to be able to run this marathon.”

He tells me, he gets to mile 19 and then he just collapses and he didn't make it. He said, “I didn't finish the marathon. I'm probably not going to run another one in the future. This was not a good experience.” What was it that didn't allow him to finish the marathon? Well, it turns out it's pretty simple. He didn't train for the marathon.

He had everything that we would say you need in terms of your personality, but he didn't implement this process. He came back and just thought, “I can run a marathon,” but he didn't gradually build up and regain his training. Really impressive actually how he got to mile 19, but he couldn't finish it.

That story is really intuitive and can we say, “Well yeah, obviously you should train for a marathon.” Many of us make those same mistakes in our own life and we don't do things that we don't plan things in small steps in our own lives. We may plan to work and sell a bunch of products and “I'm going to make a lot of money,” or, “I'm going to be extremely healthy,” or “I'm going to exercise every day this year.” This past year leading up to it, I exercised once a month. That's not realistic. We need to plan things in small steps.

How do what small is? It's different to different people what's a small step. In Stick With It, I created a figure called steps, goals and dreams. In that figure, I quantify what a small step is, what a goal and what a dream is. A dream is something that takes three months, or more. For me, running a marathon would be a dream. It's not that I can't do it, but I definitely would need to train for it.

A goal is something that takes about a month to three months. Then a step is something that takes a week, or less. Step, you could do today. If I've never run before, getting a pair of running shoes is a step. Just something that's very concrete and actionable. Oftentimes when I work with people on this, the first step that I do is I'll have them create a calendar. With that calendar, we will document for each day what are you planning on doing, and that helps break things out in two steps, goals and dreams for them. That's the idea of step ladders.

Then there are six other tools or forces that can be integrated. In general, the more of them that you use, the more likely you are to stick with things, but there is a figure and stick with it which will say which ones are most important for A behaviors, B behaviors and C behaviors.

[0:22:32.3] MB: I think it's so important to break your goals down into these small actionable steps. I really like the idea of the framework of looking at it from a week or less, one to three months and over three months. That's a really clear distinction that helps break down okay, how much activity am I going to have to do and how long are these activities going to take to accomplish? Making it easier to do, which is another one of the steps in the framework obviously, to really start creating progress.

[0:22:59.9] SY: Yeah. Easy is another really key. Easy is one that is key across all three of them. With easy, it's also another one that's simple to understand, but it's pretty difficult to implement. I had with easy, here's an example in my own life. I work at UCLA and I used to go to the gym on campus, the wooden gym center there. I would care about health. I was pretty dedicated. I would go every day. At a certain point, I stopped going to the gym as frequently. I just didn't go as often.

If I'm a data person, if someone was let's say, looking at tracking my steps, tracking my activity and they would have seen that I stopped going, maybe they'd make some attributions or judgments about me. Maybe they'd say, “No, he just got lazy. His work increased. He's older now he's too tired to go to the gym.” People could come up with all kinds of reasons, but what it ultimately came down to was I used to work close to that gym on campus and switched to where my office is now on – it's called Wilshire in Westwood. It's about a mile south of that area on campus.

Now I would have to walk up there. It's hard to drive, it's hard to get up there and it was just much more difficult for me to get up to that gym and keep working out there. What I did, I changed gyms. Now when I go to work, I carry my gym bag with me and I switched to a gym that's right across the street from my work. On the way to the parking lot to my car, I have my gym bag on me and I have to walk past my gym. It's almost makes it that it's more difficult to just keep walking, than it is to hang it right in to the door and go to my gym. That's the way we can leverage easy to get ourselves to keep doing things.

[0:25:08.1] MB: I know snacking is another really good example. My own personal experience; if I don't have snacks in the house, I'll still do the ritual of going and looking around to the pantry and rooting around to see if there's anything to eat and then I just will walk back upstairs with nothing. If I have snacks, I'll do the same thing and I'll eat them.

[0:25:25.3] SY: Yeah, absolutely. That's something that definitely comes up a lot. I'll tell people get – they'll say, I'm eating chocolate late night. One of the things we do is let's clear your place of chocolates, so that doesn't mean you're not going to get it, but you'd have to go to the store and let's say, late at night to go get your chocolate. Then you're probably not going to do that. 

I find religion pretty interesting, because religions have been around for such a long time and it's a good example of how we stick with things. A lot of religions are really good at implementing these things intuitively. For certain religions where people will go on fast, or there's certain foods that they're not supposed to eat, that's exactly what they do. There will be, let's say a week of time take Passover, I'm Jewish. People are told, “Clear your house of everything that you may eat that you're not supposed to be eating.” It's rooted in religion, it's rooted in spirituality and God, but there's a lot of psychology supporting it. Where if you clear those distractions, it'll get you to stay on the path and stick with things you want to do.

[0:26:37.8] MB: You also share a really great story of Joe Coulombe. I'd love to hear that and how that applies to making things easier.

[0:26:46.4] SY: Yeah. The story of Joe, this was an interesting one. He finishes up – gets his MBA from Stanford and then goes and works back in around 1960s and he goes to work for a grocery chain, grocery store chain. Then they ask him. They say, “Okay, go start your own –start this new chain of grocery stores called Pronto.” He starts it up, but he notices that at the time, there's another new chain of stores that's just taking over everything. This chain of stores is called 7-Eleven.

7-Eleven was open 7 a.m. to 11 p.m. So much time, it offered everything people wanted. Pronto started failing and it's not doing well. The owl wrecks all the chain that Joe was working for and said, “Okay, let's cut Pronto and we're bringing you back. We're done with Pronto.” Joe says, “No, I'm not going to do that. I'm going out on a limb and I'm going to make this work.”

He goes off on his own. He mortgages his house. He raises money himself, but still doesn't really know what he's going to do. How is he going to save this grocery store chain? He takes a trip to the Caribbean. While he's in the Caribbean, he's on these islands where you're just sitting there listening to music, you're listening to calypso and reggae, you're eating nice food and it's really designed as a luxury vacation spot, where you don't do anything.

They bring you your food, they bring you your drinks and you just relax. It's designed to make it easy for the tourists. That's where he gets his idea and he says, “I'm going to make it easy for the shoppers to be shopping at my grocery store.” In contrast to the trends of let's just offer everything possible to people, he decides, “I'm going to limit the amount of options people have. Instead of giving them 15 types of bread, I'm going to give him one or two high-quality bread options for wheat bread or for white bread. Instead of having 10 different types of mustard, I’m just going to give them a couple of choices.”

He does this for all the different products. His store ends up becoming a huge success. Not just picks up then, but it continues to exist today. The store that we're talking about is Trader Joe's, so named after Joe. That's why if you go to a Trader Joe's, they still wear their Hawaiian tropical shirts and have that same theme, because it was modeled after Joe and his experience in saving them.

[0:29:29.2] MB: It's a great story and it shows how much making things easy really impacts people's behavior. I'd love to look at neuro hacks. When I see that or hear that, it piques my interest. I'm very curious what it is, or what that even means.

[0:29:41.5] SY: Yeah, neuro hacks is the idea that we can – in our brain, we're wired to do things a certain way. Things are ingrained in our brand. For that reason, a lot of people feel like, “I can never change. This is just the way I am. This is who I am and that's it.” Neuro hacks is counter to that. Neuro hack says that's not true. The science says that's not true.

There are actually things we can do that can be a switch that just turns on or off parts of your brain metaphorically, turns your brain to be able to do things that you never were able to do before. We're typically taught – conventional wisdom will say and motivational speakers will say if you want to do something, just visualize it, imagine you can do it and you can do it. Just keep your mind focused and you will be able to do it.

People keep finding that as much as they try to visualize things, as much as they try to stay on point thinking about something, it just doesn't always work. What we've learned in research is that it's actually the opposite. If you want to get yourself to stick with doing something, it doesn't start from the mind, it doesn't start from you telling yourself, willing yourself, “I want to do this.” It actually starts from behavior. It starts from changing your behavior. Then your mind will follow.
There's some cool research studies behind this. There's one where people were split into two different groups and they were – both groups were told they were going to listen to a series of advertisements. These were product type advertisements to get people interested in the product. Half of the group was told – they were put in one area and told, “I want you to move your head up and down.” Imagine your chin moving down and then up, down and then up.

The other half of the group was told, “I want you to move your head side to side.” Imagine moving your chin left to right, left to right. Then afterward, they were asked – each group was asked, how much do you agree with what you heard about the advertisements, about the products? Turned out that the group who was told to move their head up and down said that they agree with the advertisement more than the group told to move it side to side.

Now the only information they were given was just move your head in this direction, or that direction; up and down, or left and right. What actually was happening was that the group who was told to move their head up and down, they realized either subconsciously or consciously that this is the action that we take when we are approving of something, when we are saying yes.

There was a lot of probably subconscious activity going on, where we observe our own behavior and we say, “Well, if I was nodding, it must mean that I agree with the advertising,” and that's why they were more likely to agree with it. That's an example of how neuro hacks is used and can be used and that it's actually our behavior that resets our mind and gets our mind to change things.

There a number of different examples there. There are some cool ones in there. I've actually applied this. I give an example in Stick With It of how I applied it on our German Shepherd lab puppy at the time to get her to be a better listener.

[0:33:16.9] MB: I'm so excited to tell you about our sponsor for this holiday season, the incredible organization The Life You Can Save. I'm sure you get overwhelmed by the countless giving opportunities out there. You feel confused, frustrated and unsure about what the best thing to do is.

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[0:35:27.4] MB: It reminds me of one of my favorite applications, or principles of this which is that action creates motivation and not the other way around, right? You've ever had the experience of cleaning – you start to clean your desk or something like that and then suddenly, you wake up 20 minutes later and you start – done all the stuff and been really productive. I've had that same experience that our behavior shapes the way we perceive it and it's often reverse of what people think it is.

[0:35:52.2] SY: Yeah, absolutely. I mean, there are not just our behavior, but in the words, there's research behind the words that we use, actually shape our behavior as well. For example, there was a study done – a friend, colleague graduate, friend of mine while we were in grad school and he did this study looking at how do we get people to keep voting and does language influence that?

In one group, people were questioned and told to say, “I vote.” In the other group, “I'm a voter.” One, the action of I vote and the other, the noun or the identity of I am a voter. Then they later followed up to see in which group would people be more likely to vote. Turned out that having that I am a voter, assigning that identity to yourself, people were more likely to follow through and actually do it.

It's by doing this behavior, or by thinking of yourself as the type of person who does something and that's exactly what happens when you do it, if you – after this, I'm going to go for a swim and I go swimming every day, I think of myself as a swimmer, because I go swimming every day, and that gets me to keep swimming. Whereas, if I just told myself it's important for me to swim, it's less likely to get me to do it, than just taking the action and having that change my brain and make me realize, “I just went for a swim. It must be important to me. I must be able to do this and I can keep doing it.”

[0:37:34.2] MB: Another great example you had of a neuro hack from the book was changing your password.

[0:37:39.0] SY: Yeah. This was a story – this was taken from someone else, where he had been going through a rough time. He was a designer by trade at work and he had just gone through a divorce and he was not feeling in the best place. He was feeling depressed and down. He just didn’t feel like going to work and he would go to work, but and he decides, “I need a change. I need a way of changing my life.”

What he did is as he's sitting there and that familiar screen flashes on his computer saying, “Okay, it's time to change your password,” he decides, “I'm going to use my password to just change myself to save my life here and get myself out of this drag, this funk.” He changes his password and he changes it to something that says, “4giveher.”

By typing this word 4giveher every day, he now had to get himself to think of her, type that he was forgiving her. After doing it, it was difficult at first because it reminded him of her, reminded him of his discomfort and sadness, bitterness. As he kept typing 4giveher he realized, “I haven't changed my password to something else. I've been able to stick with this.” Ultimately, he was with not very much time, he was able to forgive her, move on. He's remarried now. He's just changed his life around and he continued with this.

He was a smoker and said, “I'm going to now change this – use the same neuro hack principle for getting myself to quit smoking.” He changed his password to quitsmokingforever. Overnight, he stopped smoking and his – last time that I checked with him, he still had not been smoking at all.

[0:39:46.3] MB: I also want to talk about rewards and whether or not they work to create behavior change.

[0:39:53.3] SY: Yeah. Rewards definitely work to create behavior change. Rewards are really important for getting people to stick with things they want to do, or we want others to do. Oftentimes, people either simplify it, or they misunderstand. They don't go back to the source of where the idea of rewards came from.

We know rewards work, but that's where gamification came about and it was a few years ago everyone was talking about, let's gamify this, let's add game mechanics. Turns out, it works for some people and it works sometimes, but you can't just – it's not a panacea. Why not? What's going on here?

Well, the old research on rewards which showed rewards work, they were based on training animals, like cats or rats. They'd have rats in a cage, or cats in a cage and then they would – the animal would push a lever to be able to get out of the cage. When it did, it would get rewarded, it would get some food.

Now imagine you are in a cage, someone trapped you in a cage and you're just sitting there you can't get out. You find a way to be able to get out and then they give you some food for it. Now that's pretty much one of the best feelings you could ever have. I had this morning, I lost my wallet and I’m like, “Where the hell's my wallet?” Then I found my wallet and it was such a great feeling of finding your wallet, finding my wallet.

Now imagine that just a hundred times more where you're trapped and you're able to get out, that's a real reward. The research was based on that type of feeling. If we reward people with that type of feeling, it'll get them to just be addicted to doing things and do it over and over again. Rewards definitely work, but we need to figure out which types of rewards are best suited for which individuals and when.

In the captivating chapter and that's why we call it captivating, because you can't just use any reward. It's got to be one that's truly captivating. We have a short list of what those are in Stick With It that talks about what's important for people.

[0:42:16.4] MB: I know that in the book you have a much more detailed framework or analysis for this that goes a lot more in-depth. For listeners who want some quick hits or ways to just take what we've talked about today and apply it, if you looked at the seven forces of behavior change and you look at the three types of behavior, what would be your recommendation for the one, or two most impactful strategies for each of the different behavior types?

[0:42:43.3] SY: Yeah. Like I said, first it's important to figure out is something an A, B or C behavior? The simplest thing I'd say, so ideally people go out and get the book, or look at the figure from the book and use it that way. Just off the cuff here, so easy is would be most important for A and B behaviors. There's the example of if I feel there's digital addiction and I can't keep my phone away from me, then just making it easy by avoiding that distraction, put your phone, set it aside for a certain amount of time, put some controls on it, so that you can't check e-mail except for the first 10 minutes of every hour and things like that. That'll make it easy for us to stick with things we want to do.

C behavior, then I would say stepladders and community are most important. We didn't go into community, but community is the idea that social support and competition and other people that that really gets us to stick with things. Also stepladders; so if there's something that you want to do and it's not working, or you've been wanting to do something and it's just not working, start with stepladders. Like I said, one of the things, one of the first things I often do with people is create a calendar and break what you want to do down into steps, goals and dreams.

What's something that you can do today that will move you toward that dream of accomplishing what you want to continue doing three months from now? Put together a calendar, go do that thing you want to do today. Then no matter how small it might seem, be proud of yourself. Reflect back on that achievement, congratulate yourself in whatever way you can reward yourself, whether it's hanging out with friends, or a drink, or doing something you enjoy doing. Congratulate yourself after doing that thing today. That's a good way for people to just get started immediately.

[0:44:44.6] MB: For listeners who want to concretely implement and execute these, what would be the first action step that you would give them to begin?

[0:44:54.4] SY: Yeah. I'd say make a calendar. First step one would be figure out. Is the behavior you're trying to change, is it in A, B or C behavior. Then second, go use that figure, look at the figure and stick with it and identify the seven forces needed for changing that type of behavior. That's the first thing to do. Then most likely, what's going to happen next will be the second thing will be create a calendar for how you can start doing that over time.

[0:45:26.6] MB: For listeners who want to find you, find the book, etc., online, what's the best place for them to do that?

[0:45:32.0] SY: Yeah. You can go to my website seanyoungphd.com. On Twitter, I’m SeanYoungPhD. Also, the book is available online on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, your local bookstore. The other thing I'm a researcher, I'm a medical school professor, I'm an academic, I went into this area because I want to make an impact in the world and really enjoy working with people and helping people.

What I tell people on these podcasts is that thanks again Matt for having me and I'd love for the listeners if you have a question, if you want to connect, reach out to me, I love hearing from people and getting more feedback and connecting with listeners.

[0:46:16.7] MB: Well Sean, thank you so much for coming on the show sharing all this wisdom and knowledge. Great framework for thinking about how we can really create meaningful behavior change.

[0:46:25.9] SY: Thanks for having me, Matt.

[0:46:27.5] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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Remember, the greatest compliment you can give us is a referral to a friend either live or online. If you enjoyed this episode, please leave us an awesome review and subscribe on iTunes because that helps boost the algorithm, that helps us move up the iTunes rankings and helps more people discover the Science of Success. 

Don't forget, if you want to get all the incredible information we talked about in the show, links transcripts, everything we discussed and much more, be sure to check out our show notes. You can get those at successpodcast.com, just hit the show notes button right at the top. 

Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.


December 20, 2018 /Lace Gilger
Focus & Productivity

Command Your Focus and Attention on What Really Matters with Chris Bailey

December 13, 2018 by Lace Gilger in Focus & Productivity

In this episode we show you how to command your focus and attention. We discuss why many people have the wrong idea of what it means to be productive - and how thinking that you need to boil your life down to spreadsheets and checklists is the wrong way to approach productivity . We share the secret ingredient for true productivity - and look at exactly how you can implement it, practically and realistically, in your own life with our guest Chris Bailey. 

Chris is a productivity expert, speaker, and best-selling author. His career began by conducting a year-long experiment examining best practices for productivity which is documented in his book, The Productivity Project. His latest book Hyperfocus aims to help readers stay focused and avoid distractions. His work has been featured in The Harvard Business Review, The New York Times, TED, Fast Company, and more!

  • Many people have the wrong idea of what productivity is - and it often leads to implementing the wrong solutions 

  • It’s not about efficiency and boiling your life down to checklists and spreadsheets

  • If there’s one thing that underlies real productivity is INTENTION 

  • We are perfectly productive when we accomplish the things we set out to do

  • Intention is like the “wood behind the arrow"

  • The percentage of the day with which you act with intention is directly proportional to your results and to the quality of your life 

  • How much control of your attention do you have?

  • How much control of attention you have is correlated with happiness, satisfaction, and productivity 

  • When is “enough enough?"

  • What is intentionality and why is it so important?

  • Most people manage their time relatively well, but where they massively fall short is managing their ATTENTION

  • The novelty bias in our brains causes us to constantly jump into new phenomenon to get our next dopamine hit

  • You don’t always have control of your attention

  • If there isn’t intention behind what you’re doing, you’ve lost control of your attention and fallen victim to a distraction 

  • Deliberate mind wandering is as important as the time we focus on being productive

  • When you have time spent with your mind wandering, you’re 14x more likely to focus on your goals and the right things 

  • “Not all those who wander are lost” - J. R. R. Tolkein

  • Beautiful results come from letting your mind wander

  • What allows traffic to move forward at a solid space is how much space exists between the cars on the highway

  • Cultivating “unfocus”, mind wandering, and contemplative routines open up space to focus on and determine what’s most important - to unearth the beautiful, brilliant ideas we wouldn’t arrive at otherwise

  • The 3 benefits of letting your mind wander

    • Letting our minds wander lets us rest 

    • Attention without Intention is Wasted Energy

    • We focus on auto-pilot mode - whatever is latest and loudest in our environment

  • Researchers found that people who watched 6 or more hours of news coverage about a bombing were more likely to develop PTSD than someone who was actually at the bombing event (Boston Marathon) 

  • The state of our attention determines the state of our lives 

  • The single biggest predictor of fear and anxiety is how much time spent watching TV talk shows 

  • A moment of attention never exists in isolation 

  • Your work and life becomes more productive and more meaningful when you bring your full focus to the moment 

  • How do you emerge from the cave of distraction?

  • The biggest problem is that we are constantly overstimulated 

  • Do you feel frazzled, overwhelmed, like your mind is numb?

  • On your computer you get distracted every 40 seconds on average 

  • One good way to break this overstimulation is to switch from the digital to the physical, read physical books and newspapers, etc

  • Turn your phone to greyscale mode to make it less interesting 

  • How do you go about taming your distractions?

  • It starts with figuring out where your distractions come from 

  • Ask yourself - how do you FEEL after you read the news, after you go on facebook, etc?

  • We crave anything that is stimulating - it’s an inherent bias in our minds

  • Every notification on your phone can cost you up to 25 minutes of attention 

  • Delete the Email App from Your Phone 

  • Does meditation waste time or does it make you more productive?

  • Meditation is one of the few things that gives you more attention and focus for other things

  • When you have an active meditation practice your working memory increases by up to 30% 

  • If you don’t execute on productivity ideas and strategies - what’s the point?

  • Meditation has the best time-adjusted return of any productivity strategy 

  • Busyness is a badge of honor in our society. It’s an active form of laziness. 

  • We look at busyness as a proxy for how productive we are when that’s completely wrong. 

  • Working on a sleep deficit shrinks your ability to focus by up to 60% 

  • If you never think about what you’re going to focus on - you can’t make progress towards your goals 

  • There’s a huge amount of guilt, especially in western society, around taking breaks, resting, and downtime - even though these are HUGE components of being highly effective and productive 

  • How do you deal with the GUILT of not feeling productive?

  • Make a list of all that you accomplish every day and then review it at the end of each week 

    1. Be very intentional about your breaks. Make it really deliberate. Choose how you’re going to spend your time and attention proactively ahead of time 

  • Guilt fills the vacuum that working without intentionality creates

  • Set 3 intentions every day, set 3 intentions every week, and set 3 intentions every year 

  • Pre-Decisions create intention throughout your day 

  • You know that whatever you’re doing in that moment thats exactly what you NEED to be doing

  • How you can create confidence in the moment that you ARE working on the right things

  • How do you Re-Charge your attention?

  • Habitual tasks create the structure that frees our mind to think freely and wander 

  • “Scatterfocus” - deliberately letting your mind wander.

  • Homework: What resonated the most for YOU - take action on that?

  • Do a phone swap

    1. Do a nightly shut-off ritual

    2. Check out Screentime 

  • The state of your attention determines the state of your life. 

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Show Notes, Links, & Research

  • [TV Show] The Good Cop

  • [SoS Episode] The Secret That Silicon Valley Giants Don’t Want You To Know with Dr. Adam Alter

  • [Article] The Cost of Interrupted Work: More Speed and Stress by Gloria Mark, Daniela Gudith and Ulrich Klocke

  • [Website] A Life of Productivity

  • [Twitter] Chris Bailey

  • [Article] Nine tweets that prove Josh Groban is ridiculously funny by Melissa Stephenson

  • [App] Digital Wellbeing (thanks to YC from Singapore for this rec!)

Episode Transcript


[00:00:19.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[00:00:11] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success, the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than 2 million downloads, listeners in over a hundred countries and part of the Self-Help for Smart People Podcast Network. 

In this episode, we show you how to command your focus and attention. We discussed why many people have the wrong idea of what it means to be productive and how thinking that you need to bull your life down to spreadsheets and checklists is the wrong way to approach productivity. We share the secret ingredient for true productivity and look at exactly how you can implement it practically and realistically in your own life with our guest, Chris Bailey. 

Do you need more time; time for work time, for thinking and reading, time for the people in your life, time to accomplish your goals? This was the number one problem our listeners outlined and we created a new video guide that you can get completely for free when you sign up and join our email list. It's called How You Can Create Time for the Things That Really Matter in Life. You can get it completely for free when you sign up and join the email list at successpodcast.com.

You're also going to get exclusive content that's only available to our email subscribers. We recently pre-released an episode in an interview to our email subscribers a week before it went live to our broader audience. That had tremendous implications, because there is a limited offer in there with only 50 available spots that got eaten up by the people who were on the e-mail list first. With that same interview, we also offered an exclusive opportunity for people on our e-mail list to engage one-on-one for over an hour with one of our guests in a live exclusive interview, just for e-mail subscribers.

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In our previous episode, we explored how to unleash and live in your genius. How do you discover what your genius is? How can you spend more and more of your time doing what you love? We discuss how you can unlock the incredible potential within yourself and avoid the traps that may stop you from getting there. We share the lessons learned from working with more than 20,000 people to help them on their own journeys to genius and gave you the exact strategies and tactics to create a positive upward spiral of genius for yourself with our previous guest, Dr. Gay Hendricks. If you want to spend more time doing what you love, check out our previous episode. 

Now, for our interview with Chris. 

Please note, this episode contains profanity. 

[00:02:59] MB: Today, we have another awesome guest on the show, Chris Bailey. Chris is a productivity expert, speaker and best-selling author. His career began by conducting a year-long experiment examining best practices for productivity, which is documented in his book; The Productivity Project. His latest book; Hyperfocus, aims to help readers stay focused and avoid distractions. His works has been featured in the Harvard Business Review, the New York Times, TED, FastCompany and much more. 

Chris, welcome to The Science of Success. 

[00:03:25] CB: Good day to you sir. How are you doing?

[00:03:27] MB: Great. We’re super excited to have you on the show today and dig into a lot of the stuff you talk about and write about. I mean, I think it's so important and I really resonate with a lot of the things you share in both books. To start out, I’d love to kind of dig into this idea that many people have a wrong perception of what productivity is. 

[00:03:46] CB: Yeah, they really do. I think this is evidence when you ask somebody, “Do you want to become more productive?” People usually say yes, but what comes to their mind is something that feels so cold and corporate in all about this becoming a drone in front of a spreadsheet and all about this efficiency and boiling your life down to the same spreadsheet. But I think if there's one thing that lies at the core of what it means to be productive, that’s intentionality. It's deliberateness with which we should be working at. 

In my eyes, productivity is not about doing more, more, more, faster, faster, faster because when the hell do you know when to stop it if that's your philosophy? How do you know when you've had enough money? How do you know when you've had enough success? How do you know when you’ve answered enough email over the course of the day? In my eyes, we’re perfectly productive when we accomplish the things that we set out to do. 

Our intentions are what we should be measuring our productivity against. I think when you frame it in this way, first of all, it’s more human, because some days all we want to accomplish is to watch The Good Cop on Netflix, that wonderful new show that stars Josh Groban as the lead character alongside Tony Danza. It’s a wonderful show with maybe a bucket of Ben & Jerry's and extra-large pizza. Other days, we want to have the huge day at the office and hire somebody new on to our team and maybe ace a job interview for a promotion. If we do those things, I would argue that we’re perfectly productive, but it has to start with the intentions that we set. 

[00:05:16] MB: This episode has been sponsored by The Good Cop. No, I’m just kidding. 

[00:05:18] CB: It’s great. Have you seen The Good Cop on Netflix? I must ask you, Matt. 

[00:05:21] MB: No. I have never heard of it. 

[00:05:22] CB: Listen for one sec. Okay. Josh Groban is an all-around talented man. He's like a Steve Martin. Like Steve Martin, he’s an author. He has a Grammy for playing the banjo. Josh Groban is the new Steve Martin. You've heard it here first on this podcast. 

[00:05:38] MB: That's right. I think you do bring up a really important idea too, which is when to stop. That's one of the challenges with a lot of the productivity approaches, is that there's no endpoint. If you double your efficiency and double it again and double it again, at what point – Tim Ferriss talked about that too in The 4-Hour Work Week, is if you keep getting more and more efficient, when does it stop and when you kind of cap yourself off? Sometimes you do just want to sit on the couch and watch The Good Cop. 

[00:06:06] CB: Yeah. I think that hits the nail right on the head, and you need that intention, I think. Intention behind her actions in my eyes is kind of like the wood behind an arrow. We absolutely need it in order to move forward and get important stuff accomplished. I think I will go so far as to say that the percentage of the day with which you act with intention behind what you're doing is directly proportional to how productive you are, but also your quality of life. 

If you look at where we have control of our attention, as an example, this is kind of the topic that I'm nerding out about the most right now. How much control we have of our attention has been correlated with things like overall life satisfaction? We feel more satisfied with our lives when we have control of our attention. It’s of course correlated with productivity and creativity as well. It's also correlated with happiness and just how satisfied we are with things overall. 

I think done right, we tend to look at productivity in a work context, but when you view it as being about intentionality, it transcends the word context. It works if you're retired. It works if you're starting out in your career. It works if you're on vacation. It works when you're at home. I think that's the way it should be. 

[00:07:19] MB: We often fall into this same kind of trap with the title of the show; The Science of Success. So many people have a warped definition of what success is and we try to broaden it out and say that it's so much more than just money, or fame, or achievement. It’s living life on your own terms and doing what you want to do. 

[00:07:37] CB: Is that the definition that you use? Living life on your own terms?

[00:07:41] MB: I think that's right. I mean, we don't have a set definition of it, but to me it's much more broad and encompassing than a lot of the traditional definitions of it. 

[00:07:49] CB: Yeah. I think that's evidence in the fact that the people who achieve the traditional definitions of it, they don't feel successful, because they chased that and so they have that same mindset where they just want more. I think that's a fascinating thing, is if you look at the people that feel successful, they’re often not the people who make millions of dollars, or have millions of followers online. The people who feel successful are the ones that do what they set out to do. 

[00:08:16] MB: So I think that answers this question, but just for listeners who might be wondering what is intentionality, what does that mean when you say that? 

[00:08:24] CB: It's choosing what you do before you do it. So there's that pre-decision. This is the definition that I [inaudible 00:08:30] there are alternate definitions for intention. If you look at the science behind intentionality, where intentions come from, so much of it depends on our environments and things like that. I think it's that pre-decision. It's having chosen, maybe not in the moment, because we set an intention and then we start focusing on something and that becomes our object of attention and kind of leads us through to completion. 

If you decide to watch The Good Cop on Netflix, there's that choice that preceded that action when you're in the middle of watching that show on Netflix. But you’ve kind of lost control until the episode is done. But I would say that's working or living with intention. 

[00:09:10] MB: You bring up another really good point, which I thought was one of the most insightful things you said, and I think it was productivity project. This idea that a lot of –

[00:09:18] CB: You dug deep. You did. You like properly read the books. 

[00:09:21] MB: We do our homework on the show. 

[00:09:22] CB: That’s good, yeah. I noticed that when you're reading the bio, because I don't know if you've ever watched one of those shows where somebody is like mouthing along to when somebody else says something that they're very familiar with. I can pretty much do that with my bio, because we have like the stock one that we just send everybody. I think I have a text expander snippet on my computer, because it just comes up a lot. I know and original bio when I hear it. So I'm going to have to subscribe to the show after. You could really tell when somebody cares. So it's refreshing. 

[00:09:47] MB: You’re very kind. Thank you. But anyway, what I was saying is this idea that I think was one of the most insightful ways that you – The phrasing you use on this I thought was a great way to kind of break apart the dynamic that a lot of traditional productivity falls into, which is this idea of most things, most people focus on this notion of managing your time, when really the battle is much more about managing your attention. 

[00:10:10] CB: Yeah, and most of us, frankly, can manage our time pretty well. The two of us showed up to the show on time, so was Austin, the producer. Hey, Austin. We’re here. We’ll be here for about an hour, then we’ll go on to the next thing on our calendar. We manage our time pretty well, and most people are like that. But where we fall short so often today is with our attention. You can look at the very beginning of the day for a pretty good example of us losing control. 

So we wake up and maybe our phone wakes us up. So we see that an email came in overnight. So we check that email. It’s just from Amazon. We check the news, and then we get a hit of dopamine, because each time we focus on something new and novel, the novelty bias that's embedded within our brain's prefrontal cortex gives us a hit of dopamine. Then we go over to Facebook and we get ahead of dopamine. Then we swipe on Tiner and we get a hit of dopamine. Then we focus on whatever else, and we keep getting these hits of dopamine. 

I think it speaks to this idea that we don't always have control of our attention. So if you look at the moments of the day where there isn't a modicum of attention, intention behind what you're doing, I would wager a guess. I don't have data to back this up. It’s just a prognostication of mine. But I would wager a guess that when we don't have control of our focus and what we’re doing in that moment, it's more often than not because we've fallen victim to a distraction, because we go from focusing on one thing to the next, to the next, to the next, to the next, to the next, which is another big part of focus, is strategically un-focusing so that we can let our mind wander a little bit wherever the hell it wants to go. 

One fascinating thing that this mode of deliberate mind wandering, I think it's as important as how we focus. So this mode of un-focusing, this is what allows us to set intentions for what we want to be focusing on in the first place. One study, I think it was conducted by Jonathan Smallwood and Jonathan Schooler, they found that when they sampled people's thoughts when their mind was wandering, that they were thinking about their goals and the future 14 times as often as when they were focused on something. Isn’t that kind of remarkable? It's like the space between the things that we’re doing, between the things that we’re focusing on that allows us to focus better on the right things in the first place and live and act with this intentionality.

Yeah, so I think this kind of just speaks especially when the biggest distractions on our environment are so often hijacking our attention away from what we really want to accomplish. Just the power of managing our attention well, but also how much room there is to gain when we don't manage our attention to the best of our ability. 

[00:13:01] MB: I've heard a similar phrase in the research around what are called contemplative routines, which encompasses things like meditation, but even goes beyond that, to journaling, and thinking, and that time to pull back and question, “What am I doing and why am I spending my time on certain things, and where do I really want to be spending my time?” 

[00:13:22] CB: There’s that great quote from J.R.R. Tolkien, where he says that, “Not all those who wander are lost.” Looking at the research on this topic, I kind of settled upon three benefits of deliberately letting our mind wander. You can do this however the heck you want. I'm personally an avid knitter. So I love knitting to let my mind wander. If I take a work break, I’ll pull up the knitting needles. I'm working on a nice scarf right now. But whether it's knitting, whether it's taking a long shower, whether it's just sipping on your morning coffee without your phone there, there is a beautiful example in traffic flow, so how traffic flows down a highway. 

If you look at what allows cars to move forward, what allows them to move forward isn't how fast individual cars are moving as you might expect, but what allows traffic to move forward at a good rate is how much space exists between the cars on the highway. I think our work is the exact same way, because this allows us to choose what we’re going to focus on in the first place, but it also allows us to unearth ideas that are buried in the depths of our mind. 

Our mind wanders to three main places when we just kind of let it be for a little bit. It wanders to the future about 48% of the time. Now, depending on the life that you live, these numbers might be a bit different. In fact if you meditate, like you mentioned, your mind actually wanders to the future a bit more. It wanders to the present 28% of the time. 

In the past, less than we might think, about 12% of the time, and the rest of the time our mind is dull, or blank, or thinking about ideas. But what happens when we connect these three temporal destinations, we connect what ideas we've consumed in the past to how we’re going to live in the future, to what we’re doing in the present, to the future and how we’re going to run a meeting later on. Then we think about the past again. We connect these three places to unearth these beautiful, brilliant ideas that we would never arrive at otherwise. 

So this is another wonderful benefit of the mode. We think about the future, first of all. We plan. So if you're walking to a meeting room, it could be this simple. If you’re walking to a meeting room at the office, instead of tapping around on your phone and checking Facebook, or Instagram, or whatever your app of choice is, let your mind wander, because it'll naturally wander to what you're going to do. It'll wander to the conversations you want to have. What you want to get out of the meeting? You'll probably save time overall, because in that minute, you'll approach that project more strategically, that commitment. 

The third thing that letting our mind wander does is lets us rest. So we expend mental energy when we have to regulate our attention to focus on something or focus on a decision that we’re making. So decisions deplete our mental reserves of energy too. So what happens when we let our mind wander wherever the hell it wants to wander, is we don't have to regulate our attention to focus on anything, and so it gets to unwind. We get to recharge while we connect ideas, while we think about our future. 

I would argue that attention without intention is just wasted energy. We’re focusing on stuff on autopilot mode whatever's latest and loudest in our environment. Technology also has a way of tricking us into thinking something is more important that it is, because whatever it throws at us in the moment, that feels like the most salient thing on which we can direct our very limited attention. But all of these just makes it so much more critical that we take control of our attention, because so often we don't have that intention behind what we’re doing and our environment is what has control of our attention instead. 

[00:17:10] MB: What a great way to phrase it. We focus on autopilot mode whatever's latest and loudest in our environment. 

[00:17:17] CB: I would go further than that, and this is one of the things that surprised me in writing Hyperfocus, was I expected to write a book about productivity, which leads to success and stuff like that. But I ended up following some ideas that suggested that this idea of attention is so much bigger than that of just becoming more productive. 

One of my favorite studies that I encountered over the course of writing the book looked at two groups of people. The first group of people watched six or more hours of news coverage about the Boston Marathon bombings, the events. I think that happened in 2013. The second group of people were in the actual marathon. They ran the marathon. What the researchers found was that those people who watched six or more hours of news coverage about the Boston Marathon bombings were more likely to develop PTSD than someone who was at the bombing running the marathon and personally affected by it. 

If that doesn’t suggest how the state of our attention determines the state of our lives even, I really don't know what is. The single biggest predictor of fear and anxiety in our lives is how much time we spend watching TV talk shows. I think it speaks to the idea that a moment of attention never exists in isolation. These moments accumulate day-by-day, week-by-week, month-by-month, year-by-year, so that if we’re distracted in each moment, those moments build up to make a life that feels distracted and like we don't have a clear direction, because we haven't chosen what we’re focusing on in the first place. 

But the opposite is true, and this is the beauty of this idea, of managing your attention instead of managing your time, is that when you make an effort to focus on what's productive in the moment while finding ways to deal with distraction ahead of time, some of which are obvious, some of which are counterintuitive. Your work, your life becomes more productive and it becomes more meaningful as a result too when you make an active effort to bring your full focus to what's meaningful in the moment, whether it's a conversation with a loved one, whether it's a show on Netflix. Regardless of what it is, no burger will be as delicious as the burger you focus on with 100% of your attention. No conversation will be as meaningful as the one you focus on with 100% of your attention. The meaning is all around us. We just have to notice it. The things that make us more productive are sometimes right in front of us, but we need to make an active effort to focus on that too. 

[00:19:51] MB: So many people today are pinging around are stuck in a reactive mode where they're spending a ton of time watching the news, Facebook, deluge of emails. For somebody who's that deep and mired in that completely reactive state, how do they begin to emerge from the darkness? 

[00:20:11] CB: Emerge from the darkness. Oh, boy! From the cave of distraction. There are – I think the biggest problem is not that we’re distracted, but that we’re overstimulated, because another remarkable study I encountered found that when we’re working in front of a computer, we focus and we switch our focus between things. We get distracted or interrupted every 40 seconds. So we don't really focus on something for even a minute before we switch to doing something else. It's not necessarily completely our fault. There’s this novelty bias that I mentioned where we get rewarded for switching our attention around so often. 

I think if you were to ask somebody who's in a state of high stimulation to describe the state of their attention, which they have less control over, and there’s more dopamine coursing through their mind and so they’re more stimulated because of that. I would wager a guess as somebody who's in the state of high stimulation would use words like, “I feel frazzled.” “I feel overwhelmed.” “I feel like my mind is kind of numb.” “I feel like there's just so much noise.” 

Whereas if you ask somebody who has a lower level of stimulation, not somebody in like a comatose state, but somebody who's likely properly stimulated throughout the day, they might use words like, “Oh, I feel like I am thoughtful, like I'm deliberate. I feel like insights come to me.” I think that's the power of making yourself less stimulated by default. 

So a great place to start with this in my eyes is switching from the digital to the physical. So one big shift that I made over the course over in the book was subscribing to the physical newspaper. So instead of going to newyorktimes.com or the cnn.com throughout the day, I get two newspapers at my door every morning. I get the New York Times and I get The Globe and Mail, because I'm up in Canada. I find that this alone, because of course a news website refreshes umpteen times every day, which leads us to revisit and revisit and revisit and give them more and more and more ad impressions, but the newspaper, the physical newspaper refreshes once every day and it comes right to you. You don't have to go for it. You just open your door and there it is, and it's a bit more money, but you reclaim so much more of your attention and you get to ease into the day instead of mindlessly distracting yourselves. 

But there are other ways. I think a big mistake that some people make when they’re so stimulated, when they're bouncing around between things all day, when they're constantly, constantly multitasking and they have this attentional residue that occupies their attention throughout the day. Is they go from being so distracted and they realize, “Oh, shit! I have to do something to really save myself here. I'm not getting enough work done,” blah-blah-blah. So they’d get rid of their phone, for example. They leave their phone at home. I think that's too much, personally. But there are ways that we can make our devices less stimulating. 

So grayscale mode is another credible way to do this. So what this mode is, if you go into the settings app on your phone and you search for the word grayscale, G-R-A-Y scale, it's usually an accessibility feature in most phones. but it makes your phone screen black-and-white. So it instantly becomes a less novel object of attention. It’s less pleasurable. It's less threatening in the moment. So we pay less attention to it. 

Most people that I've sampled who do this, they find that when grayscale mode is enabled, that they spend about half of the time that they usually do on their phone, because Instagram becomes boring, Facebook and other apps take advantage of our color psychology to target us in different ways by A-B testing 30 different shades of a color of red to get the one that hooks us the most. I don't think they do it really maliciously. It's not like Mark Zuckerberg is sitting in a laboratory tinkering with different shades with a maniacal look on his face, but I think these are just the patterns that these apps settle into, which makes it so critical to get out ahead of them with grayscale mode, with I think consuming more physical things is a big one. As well as taming distractions in the first place. It’s so critical. 

[00:24:15] MB: How do you go about taming those distractions? I know that’s a big question. 

[00:24:19] CB: That's a big one. Yeah. I think it starts with identifying where the distractions come from. One way that I really recommend is I don't think we’re connected enough with how different things make us feel. We all have kind of a different reaction to different apps, but I remember my fiancé and I, we’re just hanging out in the living room the other day and she was looking kind of sad when she was on her phone fiddling around with it. I asked her, “What are you doing? You look bummed out.” She said, “Oh, I'm on Tinder.” No, I’m just kidding. She wasn’t on Tinder. She was on Facebook. It got us both reflecting like, “Okay. This is supposed to be a way to connect with people.” I personally haven't had an account in years, but I figured this is why folks have it. 

But it really does hijack us. It really does make us sad. So I think this is a great place to start, is how do you feel after you visit a news website? How do you feel after you go to Facebook? How do you feel after you go on Instagram? You might find that some of these apps are worth your attention, because they make you happy. They let you connect. But you might find that other ones appeal to you because they’re stimulating in addition to anything that's new and novel. Our mind naturally gravitates to anything that's two other things. We naturally focus on anything that's pleasurable, and we naturally focus on anything that's threatening. This, of course, allowed us to survive through today, because instead of hyper-focusing on building a fire for our village, we noticed the sabertooth tiger encroaching in on our environment. We dealt with the threat and we survived to live another day and build another fire. We noticed the pleasures in our environment too, the potential mates, the foodstuff that was hanging from the tree. 

Of course, today, so many of these novel pleasurable threatening things come from our phone, the nearest tigers are at the zoo. I think really starting with how these different things make you feel, because in the moment, the matter-of-fact truth is that we crave anything that’s stimulating. We can't really overcome that inherent bias in our mind, unless we have a deadline, in which case our work is more novel and threatening than anything on our phone could be, the prospect of losing our job, or dealing with the consequences of not shipping something on time. 

But I think that's a great place to start. How did these different things make you feel? I think when you analyze the devices in your life relative to what else you could be doing in the moment, logically, they’re a lot less productive, but we’re were drawn to them in the moment. So when you find that there are apps left that do make you happy taming those ahead of time after you adjust downward into a state of lower stimulation by dealing with the ones that really charge you up. It’s something that's worth doing. 

We switch between things every 40 seconds, and the research also shows, one study conducted by Gloria Mark and Mary Czerwinski at Microsoft of all places, they found that when we’re interrupted or distracted from something completely, and so sometimes – Most of the time we switch right back, but one we’re distracted or interrupted completely, we burn as much as 25, 26 minutes tending to that one distraction, so about a half an hour of our life. If this stat is hard to believe, look at what often happens when you wake up first thing in the morning. Maybe your phone wakes you up, and so you’d think, “Okay, here's an email.” You go to your email, you bounce around between a bunch of different apps every 40 seconds before you know it, 25, 26 minutes have gone by. 

So taming anything, any notification on your phone that you don't want to lose 25 minutes of productivity over is one of the best five minutes you'll ever spend combing through all the notification settings and taming those ones so that they don't interrupt you. Because this is the thing about smart phone notifications and interruptions and vibrations, is in the moment they feel more important than what actually is important. Having a conversation with a loved one, and we get something on our phone and something is vibrating in our pocket. It could be anything. So we tend to it. But when we tend to it, it’s usually not important, but in the moment it's more pleasurable, or threatening, or novel than a potential conversation. 

If we’re at a pub with a loved one, our attention will almost always gravitate to the TV that's playing on the bar above their head even if we don't even care about the game that's going on, because in our environment, it's more pleasurable, it's more novel and sometimes it's more threatening. So taming those ahead of time, combing through the notification settings on your phone, and for God sake, delete the email app off of your phone. It'll take about a week to adjust just as it takes us about eight days to wind down on a vacation and things like that. But you'll make all that attention back and then some and just how much more clearly you’re able to focus. 

Sometimes we think the world needs us so much, and sometimes, frankly, it does. Sometimes we do need to be connected. But we need to be connected a lot less than we think we do. If you do need to be connected all day, it would even be worth the effort to delete your email app between the hours of 8 PM and 8 AM every single day. It'll take three minutes, but man, that's so much more attention to devote to what's meaningful in your life and what's productive in your life. 

[00:29:44] MB: I'm so excited to tell you about our sponsor for this holiday season. The incredible organization; The Life You Can Save. 

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[00:31:55] MB: I've been searching for some kind of app that lets me turn off certain apps for certain amounts of time. I don't know if it exists or not, but if any listeners know about it, definitely email me and let me know, or if you know, Chris, I'd be very curious. 

[00:32:09] CB: Screen Time is a feature on iOS 12 that lets you do that. I know Google has some digital health features that are brand-new, but it takes forever for those features to filter out through the android ecosystem. But check out Screen Time at iOS 12, because you can set different categories of apps and you could also have some downtime. I like to enable downtime between the hours of 8 PM and 8 AM, and what it does is it grays out all of your apps so that you have to ask the phone for permission before you access something. Yeah, check it out, because if you're on iOS, it's worth doing. I personally go a step further and I put my phone on – All my devices on airplane mode between the hours of 8 PM and 8 AM, just because I want that attention. For selfish reason, I care about the people in my life. I want to focus on making dinner with my fiancé. I want to focus on the show I'm watching, whatever it happens to be. I want to bring myself to that thing. Yeah, you don’t want stuff like technology to get in the way. 

[00:33:07] MB: We can move off of the cell phone topic in a second, but one of the thing I wanted to mention that was really interesting, we had an interview, which we’ll throw into the show notes, with Adam Alter, where he talked about this study that people spend three times more time on the apps that make them the least happy versus the apps that make them the happiest. So Facebook, the news, that kind of stuff, the stuff that makes you the least happy, you spent a lot more time on it on your phone.

[00:33:29] CB: Wow! That's incredible. I haven’t encounter that, but it makes total sense. 

[00:33:34] MB: Well, we’ll put that in the show notes for listeners who want to do a little bit more homework on it. 

[00:33:37] CB: And for podcast guests that need want to do a bit of homework on it. 

[00:33:41] MB: I’ll throw it in the chat so you can have a copy as well. I want to kind of pivot the conversation and come to another topic that's very interrelated with everything we've been discussing, but I think is really important to share and kind of dig into with the listeners, which is this idea that if you think about being really productive, and we talked about daydream, we talked about the importance of these sort of contemplative routines. If you think about being really productive, a lot of people see something like meditation and they think that's the least possible productive thing you could be doing if you're sitting there doing literally nothing. You have a very interesting perspective on this, and I'd love to hear your experiments with this and your story around how meditation and productivity interrelate. 

[00:34:28] CB: Yeah. Honestly, just speaking the truth, I would've stopped meditating long, long ago if it didn't make me more focused and productive, because I'm not in it for spiritual reasons. I'm not in it to say that I meditate. I'm in it because it lets me focus that much more deeply on what I want to do. 

I find, for my own data, this is n of 1 of course, but I find that with my own life that I'm able to write about 40% more words when I have an active meditation practice in my life. I meditate for about half an hour each day and go through waves like a lot of people that I can observe where some periods I fall off the wagon and then I noticed that, “I'm a lot busier, but I'm not getting more done. Oh! I haven’t meditated in a little while.” 

So that got me curious like to look at the research around this topic that I think we don't connect enough to how we should live our lives. So often we encounter some studies about an idea and we say, “Oh, that's fascinating.” Then we go back to acting the same way. But our attention is fascinating as it relates to meditation. What it shows, there're a lot of brain training apps out there, apps where you solve a bunch of word problems and it promises you more attention and more focus. The research shows and suggests that these apps don't really hold water. Their claims work when you're in the app and actively doing it. But once you stop, they stop working. But meditation is the one rare thing along with mindfulness that actually give us more attention to bring to whatever we’re doing in the moment. 

One study that compared meditation to, I believe, yoga as well as doing nothing, found that when we have an active meditation practice, our working memory increases by about 30%. So in other words, we’re able to take on tasks that are 30% more complex. We’re able to process 30% more information in the moment. We’re able to switch more cleanly between different tasks. So it makes it so, so worth – I think the benchmark to any good productivity tactic out there is that for every minute you spend on it, you make the time back and then some in how much more productive you were. Because what's the point of listening to an interview like this? What’s the point of reading a book like a Hyperfocus or The Productivity Project if you're not going to make that time back and then some? 

Meditation has the greatest per minute return of almost any productivity tactic under the sun, because it gives you so much more attention in the moment. If you can process in the moment 30% more than a colleague, you're going to get 30% more accomplished. It's not doubling your productivity, because tactics like that, there are very few and far between, but you can take on work that’s so much more complex that it will totally change your game when you have an active meditation practice. There's a lot of science to back that idea up. Plus, you'll just feel amazing. That's the reason in and of itself to meditate more. You'll notice that you've gotten distracted more. Your mood will elevate. Your mind, when it wanders, will actually wander more often to think about the future. It's a beautiful, beautiful practice that you'll make back for every minute you spend meditating. I think you'll make back 10 at the very least. 

[00:37:48] MB: Meditation highlights a bigger issue, which is that people often get caught up in thinking that daydreaming, or meditation, or journaling, all these activities are wasted time when they could be working or they could be getting stuff done. 

[00:38:02] CB: Yeah. 

[00:38:02] MB: But it's really the opposite. 

[00:38:04] CB: Yeah. It speaks to an idea that I'm sure comes up a lot in the show, which is busyness. It's kind of a badge of honor. When busyness doesn't lead us to accomplish anything of importance, then what's the point of being busy? It's really no different from an active form of laziness. Productivity, it's not about how much we produce, it's not about how busy we are, but it's about how much we accomplish. More than that, whether we accomplish what we set out to do in the first place. 

Busy, it's tough though, at the same time. That's easy to say, but we tend to look at how busy we are, and our level of busyness as a sort of proxy measure for how productive we are, because when we do knowledge work for a living, it's pretty hard to measure our productivity. You can have two programmers. Let's say me and you Matt, we’re both programmers. I'm able to crank out 800 lines of code in a day when you only crank out 400. Shame on you, Matt. But maybe your code has five features, where mine has three. Maybe your code has one bug, where mine has seven. Maybe you wrote your code in like two hours, where it took me slogging behind the computer – Or maybe, more reasonably, you got home at a reasonable hour and I'm still at work at 10 PM, still busy and not really getting as far as you. If we were to rate our productivity at the end of the day, you would probably say you're less productive than me, because you look at how busy you are and I would look at how busy I am and think and feel more productive than you. But the opposite, I think, is – There're fascinating studies with regard to sleep deficits. Whenever we’re working on a sleep deficit, we rank our productivity as being higher than it actually is. 

So often we just work on tasks that are less consequential, because we have less of an attentional space to give to what’s – Just as meditation increases our working memory by about 30%. Working on a sleep deficit can shrink how much attentional space we have to give to whatever we’re doing in the moment by about 60%. So we’re still doing work. We’re still switching between things, but because we have less attention, we take on things that are less challenging, and I would say busyness is the same, where it's kind of we trick ourselves into thinking we’re productive, when really we’re not really accomplishing much of importance. 

[00:40:26] MB: Sleep is another great example and underscores the bigger picture here, which is that rest is a huge part of being productive. Downtime is a huge part of being productive, and it's not about working 100 hours or putting in more raw hours. It's about stepping back and realizing that if your focused on the right things, you can create 10X, 20X more results in the same or less time if you apply these routines in this rest, in this downtime and these contemplative activities. 

[]00:40:56CB: Yeah. If you never think about what you're going to work on, how are you going to become more productive? Because like most of us have more to do than we have time to do it in, right? So when that's the case in any situation, it becomes critical to take a step back and think about what's important, what we want to accomplish and intend to accomplish over the course of the day. Yeah, it's such a vital, vital idea. 

I think the tough part sometimes is there's a lot of guilt that comes in when we’re taking a break. We all know that breaks are very critical, but we act throughout the day not in a way that allows us to accomplish more, but in a way through which we’re able to minimize how much guilt we feel with regard to our work. So instead taking off for an hour at lunch time and going to the gym, we continue to check her email while we mindlessly eat our lunch in front of the computer and we never really feel rested. We minimize the guilt, but we also minimize our productivity. 

I think this is a key – And it's very difficult to do this. I run my own business. I work for myself, and I know this guilt coming up quite often. But what works for me and what might work for any listeners who are struggling with the same thing as I do is make a list of all that you accomplish over the course of the day and then review all these things at the end of every week. I coach a lot of folks in becoming more productive, and they find that this helps them work through the guilt and as do I, because you get to see why you're investing in your productivity in the first place and this gets you thinking, “Okay, I only have so much time today. What do I really want to accomplish? Which way can I minimize the guilt when I'm making this accomplishments list at the end of the day rather than just not taking a break in the moment?” 

When you focus on what you accomplish through techniques like that, I personally keep a yearly accomplishments lists too that I review every month. I'm sorry, review all the accomplishments from the last few years since I started making the list, it kind of reinforces the power of these tactics while allowing you to overcome the guilt. 

Another way is to really be intentional about your breaks, because so often guilt and feelings like doubt and uncertainty, they fill the vacuum that working with a lack of intentionality leaves. So we’re working on autopilot mode, we feel really, really guilty when we’re not really, really busy, but when we take a break with intention – I am a big fan, as you can hear, of binge watching shows on Netflix. I don't do it often. Honestly, I kid about it more than I actually do it. But when I do it, I freaking do it. I decide how many shows I’m going to watch. I decide what I'm going to order and eat while I'm watching the show. I do it with deliberateness, and that minimizes any amount of guilt that I would relate to that experience, because I've chosen how I'm going to spend my time and attention, and guilt doesn't really have a place. Guilt isn't welcome when there is intention. 

[00:43:54] MB: Another strategy that I found to be really effective at combating the same guilt, because it’s something I deal with as well, is –

[00:44:01] CB: It's a universal feeling, isn’t it? You talk to a lot of entrepreneurs and people that work for themselves, people who work for other people also. I don't know really many people who don't have it. Maybe somebody with $100 million in the bank and they have all that FU money where they could take off at any moment. But do you know many people who don't? It's a conversation I've had with quite a few people, but everybody seems to have this phenomenon. 

[00:44:27] MB: Honestly, no. But I haven't done a lot of sort of surveys or research around it. One of the strategies that's been really effective for me and a proactive approach to trying to mitigate the guilt before it arises, and I know this is something that aligns with a lot of the work you've done and talked about and written about, is setting – Every week, I basically do an audit of my previous week and then plan the next week, and I look at my long-term goals and basically say, “What am I going to do this week to make progress on each of these goals?” and I set a most important task or one or two of those each day. I always execute that first thing in the morning. If I execute that task, the day’s a win. I don't care was 9:30 in the morning and I finish that task. If I do nothing for the rest of the day, that day is a victory.

[00:45:11] CB: Yeah. One of my favorite strategies is related to that. So every day I set three intentions. So things that I want to accomplish by the time the day is done. So this gets you thinking about the future. It gets you stepping into the shoes of your future self. But I also set three weekly intentions and three yearly intentions as well. I don't really set monthly or quarterly intentions, because I find – That's one of those pieces of advice that sounds good, but doesn't necessarily work, at least for me, in practice. 

There's something marvelous about this number three, where we chunk things together in threes. I personally think it's because it's kind of the minimum amount of things that most people – Or the maximum number, and most people can fit three things into their working memory at one time. We used to think we could chunk together six or seven pieces of information in our memory at one time. But now people are kind of coming to terms with the fact that it's about three or four. 

You see that we group the world in threes. We have sayings like, “Good things come in threes,” and Celebrities dye in threes,” and “The third times is the charm,” and “The good, the bad, the ugly,” “Blood, sweat and tears.” We grow up immersed in things like the three little bears, the three blind mice, the three little pigs, the three musketeers. The list goes on and on and on, and it kind of fits with the way that we think. So we remember the things throughout the day where we set three maximum things. 

At the same time, we have that deliberateness. I think it's for the same reason that your strategy works so well, is that you have that pre-decision which creates intention behind whatever you happen to be doing throughout the day. It's a beautiful thing when you're working with intention, because you know that whatever you're doing in that moment, like you feel the first thing in the morning, or throughout the day, that whatever you're doing, that's exactly where you need to be. That's exactly what you need to be doing in that moment. There’s that in the moment confidence that I think is it's one of the most wonderful feelings as it relates to our productivity in the moment. We get it when we’re working on a deadline, when we can feel the deadline approaching, and we know that that's the most important thing to be doing in that precise moment. It's quite a wonderful feeling, but again, like it goes back to this this idea of intentionality that I think has to precede most of the things that we do. It can't precede everything we do. We can't work with intention 100% of the day, or else we’d be a monk in a cave somewhere and it would take us forever to do anything. I think we need to get that number up and up and up and up and we’ll see some wonderful things happen as we do. 

[00:47:44] MB: Another idea that you write about in Hyperfocus that we’ve touched on some of the themes around that I think is important to dig into, is this idea of recharging our attention. How do we go about recharging it? 

[00:47:56] CB: There are actually better ways to recharge. I think the key, again, is to un-focus, because it's in those moments that we don't have to regulate our attention in one way or another. The research shows that we when we do something habitual that doesn't occupy our full attention, something simple and habitual, whether it’s taking a shower, it’s swimming laps at the pool or having a coffee, whatever it is without our phone nearby, habitual tasks kind of weight our attention down so that we continue to let our mind wander and let her attention rest as we follow that task through to completion. 

For running five miles, we won’t stop until we’ve ran the end of the 5th mile. Maybe we’re listening to music at the same time, but our mind still has a bit of attention to spare, and I think that is the key here. So often we go from focusing on our work and we think, “Okay, I need a break now.” Then we check Twitter and then we focus on things that aren't work related but still occupy some attention, which still means that they take some mental energy. But habits have actually been shown to lead us to a greater number of creative insights than doing something that requires focus, like Twitter. Plus, they make this mode fun while we scatter our attention for a bit longer. I call this mental mode scatter focus, when we deliberately let our mind wander. I think doing something habitual, whatever that is for you, whatever your favorite way is to let your mind wander, whatever you do should be effortlessly habitual and you'll find that you have a chance to replenish the tank a little bit. 

[00:49:39] MB: It's almost that same idea that the structure of that habitual task creates the freedom and the flexibility to let the mind wander. 

[00:49:48] CB: Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It's this wonderful idea where we kind of – We don't necessarily lose control of our attention, because we have less control of our attention than we might think throughout the day. There is an upper limit to how much intention we can have. So say you're watching a movie, for example, you chose to watch the movie, but in the moment you kind of lose control of your focus, of your attention, which makes it quite possible easy to recharge, because Steven Spielberg or whomever the director is, is the one who guides your thoughts forward. They tell you what to think by presenting you with visual stimuli. 

So we have about the same amount of control when we let our attention roam free, because we don't have to regulate it in one way or another. So it's like watching a movie. Where does your mind go when you weight it down to the present moment. For listeners who want to concretely implement some things we’ve talked about it, and we’ve talked about a lot of different strategies and tactics. What would be sort of a starting point for them? A beginning action step they could execute to begin to put these ideas in place?

[00:50:58] CB: This is I think the tough part about writing and speaking about personal productivity, is that it's personal. So what works for you might not be what works for me, which might not be what works for somebody else. This is actually a personal pet peeve that I have with a lot of productivity books, even ones that are science-based that presents some framework of living or thinking or working is we’re different. We do different work. We’re all wired differently as well. We really have to do what it takes for us to leave the rest. 

That's what I would encourage you to do for maybe this conversation, is what's one or two things that worked for you, resonated for you? Can you make your phone screen black and white? Do you have the budget to subscribe to the physical paper while cutting yourself off from digital news sources? You'll be so refreshed when you do. Trust me. I'm in Canada and I even get a lot of news that comes from the U.S. So if it's refreshing up here, it must be refreshing down there. It's a way of staying informed while not staying overwhelmed. 

Know how different apps make you feel. Maybe schedule some time for tomorrow, 20 minutes to do a spring cleaning for your phone. Research the screen time feature of your iPhone to really look at how –Like your natural patterns for how you use the devices. Mind the gaps in your schedule. So kind of make some space between the cars on the proverbial highway in which you live and work. Maybe make a mindless folder on your computer or on your smartphone so that you put all these social media apps in the mindless folder and that present you a queue that you're about to distract yourself. Delete the email app off of your phone. Do a phone swap when you're with your partner when you're out for dinner, for example. 

One of my favorite rituals that my partner and I have is when we’re out for dinner, we swap phones, so that we have a phone to take a picture of whatever we need to with, but we don't have a personalized world of distraction at our fingertips. Start a nightly shut off ritual. I’m trying to close the loop on every tactic that I mentioned today and then a couple, but I think that covers most of them. I think the bottom line is that there are all things that – There are things that all of us can do in order to increase the quality of our attention, but pick one or two to start with and reflect on how much more they allow you to accomplish and how they affect the state of your attention, because the state of our attention determines the state of our lives, and it's so critical, I think, to defend it. 

[00:53:26] MB: What a great quote, the state of your attention determines the state of your life. 

[00:53:30] CB: It's so true, yeah. It's the one thing. I don't if you’ve ever watched one of those crime shows where somebody's solving a murder.

[00:53:36] MB: Good cop? I’m just kidding. 

[00:53:38] CB: I don’t know. There's one of these. There's one of these, and it's always Sunny in Philadelphia. It's like a joke, I think. But there's like – Somebody has the map and they've got string attached to places, attached to pictures of memos and newspaper articles. This was like the state of my office over the course of writing this book. That was actually the one thing that really came out in connecting all the bits and pieces of the research. The state of our attention determines the state of our lives, and it's more important than we think it is. We should all watch The Good Cop, because it's a great show.

[00:54:14] MB: For listeners who want to find you and your work online, what is the best place for them to do that? 

[00:54:19] CB: Yeah, on the Internet. I am at alifeofproductivity.com, is my site, and I think I'm on – Yeah, I’m on Twitter, Chris_Bailey is my thing there. The book is called Hyperfocus. I forgot, the main thing I'm here like promoting, but yeah, Hyperfocus: How to Be More Productive in a World of Distraction. It’s wherever books are sold, you could pick up a copy. 

[00:54:41] MB: We’ll make sure to throw a link to the book, a link to your site and the other resources and things we’ve mentioned in this episode in the show notes including link to Good Cop. 

[00:54:49] CB: Maybe most important – Yeah, I think if there's one thing to take away from this episode, it's that we should all be appreciating Josh Groban's immense vessel of talent. He's making TV show. He’s singing songs. He's got a great new album out, a great song called Granted that you should check out immediately following this episode. I wish it could like lead us out, but then there's a whole host of copyright issues. But Josh Grogan should be leading us all out in one way or another. 

[00:55:18] MB: Josh, if you or your people are listening to this, give us a call about sponsoring this episode. No, I’m just kidding. But maybe not. But Chris, thank you so much for coming on the show and sharing all these insights. So many important tactics, strategies and revelations about how to really think about productivity in the right way. 

[00:55:34] CB: Thanks so much, Matt. That was fun.

[00:55:36] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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December 13, 2018 /Lace Gilger
Focus & Productivity
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