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FTA - Three Dangerous Ideas That Are Putting Our Society At Risk with Dr. Jonathan Haidt

December 17, 2020 by Lace Gilger in Decision Making, Emotional Intelligence

In this episode we discuss several seemingly good ideas that are actually quite dangerous. We start with a look at how the immune system can teach us about the vital importance of being “anti-fragile.” We look at lessons from ancient cultural traditions all the way up to modern psychology research to peel back the layers of our current social dialogue and look at many notions that have permeated our current thinking. What are the best ways to promote growth and development? How can we help heal people who have suffered from trauma? How can we create a framework that allows for our society to seek the truth and solve our toughest challenges? We take a hard look at the answers to these questions and much more with our guest Dr. Jonathan Haidt. 

Dr. Jonathan Haidt is a social psychologist and professor of ethical leadership at New York University’s Stern School of Business. He is the author of multiple books including most recently The Coddling of The American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas are Setting Up a Generation for Failure. He is also the author of over 90 academic articles and his work has been featured across the globe.

  • In teaching psychology 101 Jonathan found that there was much wisdom in the ancient traditions around how we could be happier 

  • There are a lot of really bad ideas being spread these days - despite the fact that they arise from good intentions 

  • What can the immune system teach us about vital importance of anti-fragility?

  • The reason peanut allergies are rising is because America started protecting kids from peanuts in the early 90s

  • Kids need to get sick and be exposed to dirt and germs so that they can be healthier - that’s the cornerstone of the immune system

  • The importance of being anti-fragile

  • If you try to protect children you end up making them weaker, not stronger

  • The importance of play - free play without adult supervision - and letting children take risks

  • We can’t reach natural without a lot of play (in the form of risk taking)

  • Comfort zones are most often expanded through discomfort - we must be uncomfortable to grow

  • Our extreme culture of overprotection has really harmed children

  • Every ancient culture that leaves us with deep writing shares the idea that we don’t experience reality as it really is - we experience reality as we interpret it - our life is the creation of our minds

  • “There’s nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so"

  • You don’t grow in a threatening world - you hunker down and get defensive

  • Children need to be in the zone of exploration and excitement

  • You shouldn’t trust you first reaction - you need to question your first reaction

  • What happens when students themselves ask for protection from ideas and think that ideas will traumatize them?

  • A desire to protect those who are emotionally fragile is wrong - exposure is how you solve fear and emotional fragility

  • The way you overcome a phobia is not by hiding and walling yourself off from what you’re afraid of 

  • If the goal is actually to help people - the entire culture of safetyism - that people are fragile and need to be protected - is directly opposed to the scientific research around what actually helps people

  • Are the phenomena of Safe space, trigger warnings, micro aggressions and the morality of “safetyism” that arose in the last few years healthy for individuals and society?

  • If you goal is healing trauma and helping people improve - embracing discomfort is the best solution

  • If your goal is to seek truth - then you must expose yourself to ideas you disagree with and have others challenge your ideas as well 

  • If you goal is ideological victory then you try to silence your opponents ideas 

  • If people don’t share ideas because they’re afraid of being attacked - then the entire goal of truth seeking cannot be achieved. Today people are afraid of speaking up and afraid of challenging many ideas

  • Humans are tribal creatures - we evolved with a tribal mentality in order to survive - and yet this instinct can be very destructive when we apply it to ideological divides 

  • We’re playing the truth seeking game, we’re trying to make a diverse community, and we must give everyone the benefit of the doubt

  • Just as we don’t tolerate racism or sexism, we shouldn’t tolerate anyone silencing ideas  

  • Silencing discussion and thought policing can actually foster support for damaging and negative ideas

  • This isn’t just a debate about how to interpret reality and communication - the culture of “safetyism” is a major contributor to the rise of suicide and anxiety

  • Since 2011 rates of suicide have risen 25% for men and 70% for women 

  • This is a pragmatic argument - its not moral or political - and yet the dialogue today prevents the discussion of truth from even happening

  • What does the psychology tell us about child development and personal improvement?

  • What kind of norms are conducive to growth and self improvement?

  • The world is incredibly safe now - physically its very very safe

  • We live in a bubble where algorithms confirm what we already want to believe 

  • Anything you say has infinite downside potential - you could be shamed and criticized - the internet and social media have enabled many intellectual “mob” dynamics where ideas that go against the norm are often silenced or never brought up

  • Our evolutionarily ingrained mode of thinking is more tribal/religious and this is directly opposed to the more scientific method of thinking and inquiry 

  • What does it mean to be spiritual, but not religious? We have all the same religious psychology that we’ve always had, but without organized religion. And often these religious tendencies can manifest in social movements. 

  • At times people fighting for a cause can drift into a tribal mindset 

  • How can we “wise-up” ourselves and our children to think more clearly and embrace the lessons of psychology to be healthier, happier, and think more clearly?

  • The “Chicago Principles” for freedom of thinking - an open platform to speak, discuss, and debate ideas - so that you can make your case with evidence and good arguments. 

  • If you don’t have diversity of ideas when you’re searching for truth you often come to erroneous conclusions. When we lose viewpoint diversity the science itself is at risk. If you don’t have diversity you’re likely to have bad thinking. 

  • We have to think about the social process of how imperfect flawed individuals (like all humans) can work together to discover what’s true

  • Homework: Spread these ideas to others.

  • Homework: Think about the context and system you can to improve and think about how these principles can be appleid to keep healthy debate and productive disagreement 

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Show Notes, Links, & Research

  • [Book] The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom by Jonathan Haidt

  • [Book] The Coddling of the American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas Are Setting Up a Generation for Failure by Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt

  • [Amazon Author Page] Jonathan Haidt

  • [Book] Antifragile: Things That Gain from Disorder (Incerto) by Nassim Nicholas Taleb

  • [Book] The Black Swan: Second Edition: The Impact of the Highly Improbable (Incerto) by Nassim Nicholas Taleb

  • [Book] The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion by Jonathan Haidt

  • [Book] iGen: Why Today's Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy--and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood--and What That Means for the Rest of Us by Jean M. Twenge PhD

  • [Book] Free-Range Kids, How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry) by Lenore Skenazy

  • [Website] Let Grow

  • [Website] OpenMind

  • [Website] Heterodox Academy

  • [Download] ALL MINUS ONE: John Stuart Mill’s Ideas on Free Speech Illustrated

  • [Website] The Coddling

  • [SoS Episode] The Biggest Threat Humans Face in 2018

  • [Wiki Article] Chicago principles

Episode Transcript

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the Science of Success, the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet, bringing the world's top experts right to you. Introducing your hosts, Matt Bodnar and Austin Fabel. 


[00:00:19] MB: Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of The Science of Success, the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with over 5 million downloads and listeners just like you in over 100 countries. I'm your co-host, Austin Fable, and today we've got an incredible guest from the archives, Dr. Jonathan Haidt. We discussed several seemingly good ideas that are actually quite dangerous. We start with a look at how the immune system can teach us about the vital importance of being anti-fragile and then we look at lessons from ancient cultural traditions all the way up to the modern psychology research to peel back the layers of our current social dialogue and look at many of the notions that have permeated our current thinking. We thought this would be a great episode for right now given the political climate, the climate of the world, and just 2020 in general and a lot of the trends we've seen. 


But before we dig into this great episode from the archives, are you enjoying the show and content we put out for you each and every week? I know you are. So there's two incredibly easy, yet tremendously impactful and helpful things you can do for Matt and I. First, leave us a quick five-star review on your podcast listening platform of choice. Do you know what that does? It helps other people like you find the show. Helping spread the word about The Science of Success and the great guests that we work to work with and produce content for you every single week. Second, go to our homepage at www.successpodcast.com and sign up for our email list today. Our subscribers are going to be the first people to know about all the comings and goings of the show, but you'll also have access to exclusive content that you're not going to get anywhere else. Specifically, when you sign up, the first thing you'll get is our free course we spent a ton of time on appropriately named How to Make Time for What Matters Most in Your Life?


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So now, back to this episode. As I mentioned, we're pulling it from the archives. Our guest is Dr. Jonathan Haidt. He's a social psychologist and professor of ethical leadership at New York University's Stern School of Business. He's the author of multiple books including The Coddling of the American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas Are Setting Up a Generation for Failure. He's also the author of over 90 academic articles and his work has been featured all across the globe. Again, it was a great conversation. We thought it was a very appropriate time to bring Jonathan's episode back from the archives. And who knows? On the second listen, I'm sure you're going to learn something new you may have not seen on the first pass. If this is your first time, it's going to be a very relevant conversation for where you find yourself today as we go into the holidays given the pandemic and everything else. So without further ado, I will be quiet and here is our interview with Dr. Jonathan Haidt. 

[00:03:29] MB: Today, we have another fascinating guest on the show; Dr. Jonathan Haidt. Jonathan is a social psychologist and professor of ethical leadership at New York University Stern School of business. He's the author of multiple books including most recently The Coddling of the American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas Are Setting Up a Generation for Failure. He's also the author of over 90 academic articles and his work has been featured across the globe. 

Jonathan, welcome to The Science of Success. 

[00:03:54] JH: Hi, Matt. Thanks so much for having me on. 

[00:03:55] MB: We’re very excited to have you on the show, and there's so much work that you've done that I think is super relevant for our audience, but I'd love to start with kind of the sort of opening parable of Coddling the American Mind and kind of the story of the guru and how that sort of explores some of the kind of, as you call them, untruths that are causing people to think sort of poorly about the world today. 

[00:04:17] JH: Sure. So my first book is called The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom, and it grew out of a course I taught at the University of Virginia. I was a professor there for 16 years, and in teaching psych 101 I decided to – I found that I was often quoting the ancient, so I wrote a book basically taking ancient ideas and evaluating them as a psychologist. Are they true?

So what we do in The Coddling of the American Mind is we noticed that there're a lot of really bad ideas being taught to kids these days for good intentions. It’s always done for some purpose to help them in some way, but they can be debilitating. 

So, for example, the first one is what doesn't kill you makes you weaker, and that's obviously the opposite of the classic dictum; what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. So the way we decided to open the book, it was Greg's idea that we would go on a – Greg Kukianoff is my co-author. What if we tell a pretend story that we’re going off on a wisdom quest ourselves? So we start of the story kind of straight-faced saying that we went on a trip to Mount Olympus in Greece and we talked to an oracle there in pursuit of wisdom, and he gives us these words of wisdom, like what doesn't kill you makes you weaker. So that just flies in the face of not just ancient wisdom, but of modern psychology about anti-fragility, which I hope we’ll talk in length about. But that was sort of the literary device that we used to open the book to get across the idea that kids can be harmed by bad ideas even if they are well-intentioned. 

[00:05:46] MB: So let's take into anti-fragility, because I think that's one of the kind of cornerstones of what you talk about in Coddling the American Mind, and it's funny to me because we interview people from such a wide array of fields; the military, the FBI, astronauts, poker players, neuroscientist, research psychologist, and again and again and again you kind of come across this theme that you have to face discomfort. You have to kind of – To build that mental toughness, you have to engage with things that you disagree with and things you don't like, and that's ultimately sort of one of the fundamental things in performance psychology, is that you shouldn't sort of hide from things that you just like. You should sort of toughen yourself against them. 

 

[00:06:23] JH: That's right. So I could repeat that. I could just be the 17th person to say that on your show, but maybe what I can bring in, which your listeners might not have heard about, is the immune system and the way that the immune system works. So we open chapter one with the story of my son's first day of preschool when he was three years old, and the teachers just went on and on and on in the parents’ orientation meeting about peanuts. It was like this is the most important thing they care about. No peanuts. Nothing that ever touched a peanut, or looks like a peanut, or has the other word letter P in it. It was crazy. Because it turns peanut allergies are rising. 

Well, when I looked into this, I discovered that the reason peanut allergies are rising is because Americans started banning peanuts. They started protecting kids from peanuts in the 1990s, and that just flies in the face of the logic of the immune system. So the immune system is this credible evolutionary accomplishment. Evolution had no idea what germs and worms and parasites we were going to face. So it created this open-ended system that learns, it learns really quickly, it learns even while in utero. It learns from what foods your mother has eaten, as to what foods you’re safe and which ones it should react against. 

And if you protect kids from dirt and germs, if your mother is always washing your hands and not letting you play in the dirt, yeah, in the short run, you're going to get sick less often, but kids need to get sick. They need to be exposed to dirt and germs so that their immune system can wire up and then they’ll be healthy for the rest of their lives, or healthier. 

So what this shows is that the immune system is anti-fragile. It’s a wonderful word made up by Nassim Taleb, the guy who wrote The Black Swan, and it describe systems that are the opposite of fragile. So if a wineglass is fragile, you have to protect it, and if you drop it on the ground, nothing good will happen. It will break. But there are other systems that you have to drop on the ground in order for them to work. 

So while Taleb was originally writing about the banking system, the economic system that was so fragile before the 2008 crash, he called it. He predicted that the system is fragile, not anti-fragile. So it was vulnerable to catastrophe, and he was right. In the same way he says, “There are many other systems, like the immune system,” and even says, “like children.” He says “If we over protect children, we think we’re doing them a favor, but we’re not. We’re weakening them.” 

[00:08:44] MB: I love that example of the immune system, and I think it shows that kind of the importance of being anti-fragile is hardwired not only into our psychology, but our very biology. 

[00:08:53] JH: That's right. That's right, because when you have an open-ended system that has to learn, evolution built in that learning into the process. So we make a big deal in the book about the importance of play and free play without adult supervision, and it has to include letting kids take risks. 

I learned so much interesting work on play, but one thing that I'm sure your listeners will have noticed when they were kids or if they've seen other teenagers, when kids learn to skateboard, they don't just go for a ride, they ramp up the challenge. So once they skateboard, they then skateboard on staircases and they try to skateboard down railings. Kids do this. Once they master a skill, they want to test themselves, push themselves. That's the developmental program. We are designed for play. We can't reach maturity without a lot of play, which includes risk-taking. 

So this is wonderful. My wife gave me a fortune the other day. She had a fortune cookie and she handed me the fortune. It said, “Comfort zones are most often expanded through discomfort.” That's exactly the process. Kids seek out discomfort in some ways. We’re designed to push ourselves, test results, and that's how we grow strong. 

[00:10:05] MB: And yet our culture has continually in the last 5, 10, 15 years been sort of moving more and more towards being fragile and being more brittle. 

[00:10:14] JH: That's right. Our book; The Coddling of the American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas Are Setting Up a Generation For Failure. It's not about millennials, it's about the kids born after 1995. They're the ones who really bore the brunt of our extreme overprotectiveness, our extreme emphasis on academic achievement, our willingness to sacrifice recess and also some other things for more and more and more time on math and other skills that will be tested. We just started over protecting and under liberating our kids, especially in the 1990s. It goes back to the 1980s, but it really picked up its pace in the 1990s. We think we’re doing kids a favor, but we’re hurting them. We are preventing them from developing in the way that human beings were designed to develop. 

[00:10:58] MB: So you talked about a number of kind of untruths that you uncovered or sort of discussed in The Coddling of the American Mind. Let’s dig into the next one, which is sort of always trusting your feelings, or the belief that you should do that. 

[00:11:12] JH: Yeah. So chapter two of the happiness hypothesis, the second great untruth is always trust your feelings. So what we really need to be teaching kids is to question their first reactions. This is part of maturity. The book actually grows out of Greg Lukianoff’s experiences. My co-author and friend, he is prone to depression, and he had a suicidal depression in 2007, and as a result of that he learned to do cognitive behavioral therapy in which you learn the names of distortions. Like people who are depressed and anxious, they are constantly catastrophizing is one distortions, like, “Oh, this little thing happened, but my God, it's going to cause everything else to fail,” or black-and-white thinking. Everything is either all good or all bad. 

There are these patterns of disordered thought, and Greg had learned to stop doing them. That's what you do in CBT. You learn the names of these distortions. You catch yourself doing them, and gradually over a few months, you do them less and then you're happier. You're tougher. You are more resilient.

What Greg began to see in 2013, he runs the organization; The Foundation for Individual Rights in Education, fighting for free speech for college students. He began to see in 2013, 2014, the first signs of students themselves asking for protection from ideas, because if somebody reads this novel, it could traumatize them. It could reactivate their PTSD, and there's not really any evidence of this. PTSD is not reactivated by some obvious reminder of like the word. It's often activated by something particular to you and your experience, something that happened on the day of your trauma. 

So the whole thing is not based on very good psychology, but it's based on – Let's give him the benefit of the doubt, a desire to protect people who are emotionally fragile. But it's misguided, because the way you get over fears is to be exposed to little reminders, not to the giant fear itself, but to little reminders, like the mention of something in a novel. 

So the overprotectiveness, the desire to protect people from the very experiences that will actually help them get over their fears is misguided, and we think maybe contributing to poor mental health on campus. 

[00:13:24] MB: I think that such an important point, and this whole idea that the way you overcome a phobia, right? I mean, if you look at the psychology research, it's not by constantly walling yourself off and building your life and building your own sort of personal world where you never encounter the thing that you're afraid of. It’s through exposure therapy. It's through building that muscle of being comfortable with discomfort. 

[00:13:46] JH: That's right. I think it's Pavlovian conditioning, for any listeners who have taken psychology. So if you have an elevator phobia, maybe you were once trapped in an elevator for six hours and you thought you were going to die. What should you do? Should your friends help you avoid television shows that have elevators in them? Should people walk you up the stairs and not even bring you near an elevator? Should they accommodate to your phobia? That might seem like a nice thing to do, but in fact the more your friends do that, the deeper your phobia gets. 

When you get reinforced, when you avoid elevators and your anxiety subsides, you learn to avoid elevators. But if you go near an elevator and nothing bad happens to you, that's actually how your sphere subsides. That’s when you get over the phobia. That’s how you counter condition. That’s how you extinguish it. 

So here, the always trust your feelings and the anti-fragility come together. We are anti-fragile creatures. We have very strong feelings, but those feelings are not always a reliable guide to the world as it is. Sometimes we need to change our feelings. This is called growth, education and development. 

[00:14:53] MB: And I think it's really important to kind of underscore again that talking about phobias, and elevators, etc., that this perspective is based in science. This idea that the way to overcome a phobia is by exposure, and the opposite of that, this sort of pursuit of avoidance in creating these kind of safe spaces is, well, kind of very well-intentioned is not based in science. In many ways, kind of opposed directly to what the science actually says around dealing with these kinds of issues. 

 

[00:15:22] JH: That's right. So if the goal is therapeutic, if the goal is actually to help people, then the whole culture of safety, as we call it, the idea that people are fragile and need to be protected from things that could trigger them or make them feel uncomfortable, is misguided. Again, that fortune, comfort zones are most often expanded through discomfort. 

So when students want to create a safe space, it comes out of feminist chat rooms in the 1990s. So if a group of women on the internet want to create a space where they can talk about experiences of sexual assault and rape and they want to say, “This is a safe space in which everyone will be supported.” That's totally fine. There's a right of free association. People want community. I mean, that strikes me as totally fine. 

The issue is, should this way of thinking be brought on to a college campus and should it ever be used when thinking about speakers on campus or classroom discussions? That's the question. That's where I believe we make a big mistake. By we, I just mean some students. Most students don't really go in for the safe space ideology. Most students are perfectly normal and healthy and tough. 

But there's been a new idea since around 2014, plus or minus a year, a new idea crept on to campuses fairly rapidly and spread very quickly about safe spaces, trigger warnings, micro-aggressions, cultural appropriation. I never heard any of these terms before 2014, and by 2016 they’re all over the academic world. 

[00:16:49] MB: So what do you think obviously that whole kind of ecosystem is starting to seep into the behavior and the thoughts of not just children, but many people around our society? How do we kind of bridge the gap between what the science and the research shows are kind of healthy reactions to negative stimulus and what the kind of emotional response of people often is?

[00:17:10] JH: Well, that's what we’re hoping, that a science trade book like ours will do some useful work. So this new morality of safetyism that emerged on college campuses around 2014-2015 is very quickly spreading from American college campuses, to British-Canadian, and more recently Australian universities. It’s not spreading on the continent of Europe. They don't have these ideas of safetyism. So it is spreading throughout the English-speaking world in higher ed. 

Then what became really clear last year, in 2017, is that it’s spreading very rapidly through certain industries; through media, technology, and journalism. Those of the three where I hear a lot of reports about it. So if you go to work, if you graduate from a liberal arts college that is all about safe spaces and things like that, then you go to work in a mining company or a manufacturing company, people are going laugh at you and you'll get over it quickly. 

But if you go to work at the New York Times or The Atlantic, they’re wonderful publications. I love those newspapers and magazines, but I've heard from people who work there that among the youngest, the interns, the youngest people, they’re bringing this idea in that certain viewpoint, certain people are so hateful, so unacceptable that we cannot give them a platform. We cannot listen to them. They are dangerous, their mere presence, their ideas are dangerous. 

Now, if there's any field that should understand the necessity of bringing diverse viewpoints together and of listening to both sides, it's journalism, also law and also the social sciences. In all of these places, this new philosophy of safetyism, it's a politicized notion. It's related to the culture war. It's undercutting the ability of these areas to do their work.

[00:18:48] MB: I think that's where these ideas in some way sort of concern me, aside from the whole conversation about sort of the therapeutic damage that they can cause potentially, is that when they kind of get in the way of the scientific pursuit of truth, I think that's where it gets kind of really concerning. 

[00:19:04] JH: That's right. That's a good way to put it. So a way that I began to think about this, is that human beings are very flexible. We can play a lot of different games, and each game has a different goal or endpoint, or telos as the ancient Greeks said. What's the purpose or function of something? 

So we can play the healing game if we are doctors or therapists where we try to make someone better, or we can play the discovery game when we try to figure out what's true. So for that, we often do try to consult diverse viewpoints. We have people debate and argue. We do this in juries. We do this in the science literature. 

So the truth seeking game is a very special game where you have to have people who will challenge your confirmation bias and, in turn, you challenge their confirmation bias. None of us are very good at finding the truth on our own. We’re all very, very good at finding evidence to support what we already believe. That's the confirmation bias, and that was at the heart of my second book; The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion. 

So we can do the healing game. We can do the truth seeking game, or we can do the victory game. That's where I know who's on my team. Other people are on the other team. You're either with us or against us. We’re good, you’re evil. Depending on the stakes, the ends will justify the means, and we must win. We must defeat you. 

Now, I think our politics is horrific. I don't want to get too political on this broadcast, but I certainly understand people who are playing the game of defeat the other side very passionately. Right now, there certainly is a place for the victory game of the war game, but the classroom is not it. The classroom is a very delicate ecosystem in which if people are afraid that they will be attacked personally for sharing an idea, they won't share their idea. If people don't share ideas that go against the consensus, then the whole system breaks down. The truth seeking game cannot be played. 

So this is what's happening not at most universities. Most universities are not overtaken by this, but if you look at the elite schools, especially in the Northeast and the West Coast and especially the liberal arts colleges, there's data showing that most students report self-censoring, especially around political or politicized topics, and anecdotal reports, whenever I go to these schools and I ask if they have a callout culture, all hands go up. People are afraid of speaking, afraid of challenging received wisdom, and this is terrible. This is a terrible environment to put young people in, but this is the way things have evolved especially in the last few years. 

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[00:21:34] MB: And I think that kind of gets to the third untruth that you talk about, which is this sort of battle between good and evil and how that can cause kind of cognitive distortion. 

[00:23:38] JH: That's right. So one of the big themes of the righteous mind was that we are tribal creatures. We evolve for tribalism. There's no other way to explain it. If you look at fraternity initiations at universities in America and you compare them, the initiation rites of pre-state societies, the pain, and fear, and disgust that is used, the rituals that take place exactly at midnight. There’s something on the human mind that really prepares us for tribalism. Men more so than women, young men especially go in for these tribal rituals, but it's very deep in our psyche, and this I think is the only explanation for sports. Why do we spend so much time and money on sports? Because we love tribalism, we love the battle of us versus them, and we can do it in a way that’s not harmful. Sports doesn't really make people hate the other side, except maybe in Britain. They have soccer hooligans and things like that. But for the most part, sports is friendly rivalry. 

Well, in academic life, it can be really destructive to interpret everything in a sociology class through the lens of us versus them, where us, let's say, is the left and them is the right, or to make it racial or gender, does a terrible disservice to the people engaged in the conversation. It prevents them from playing the truth seeking game. It dragoons them. It forces them into the victory game, and a lot of students don't want to play it, but they're afraid to stand up against it. 

[00:25:02] MB: So how can we start to kind of clear the way for the pursuit of truth and kind of the freedom to express any idea and evaluate whether it's true or not?

[00:25:14] JH: Yeah, it's hard, but I think it begins with an appreciation of the fact that we need boundaries around activities, and leadership must set those boundaries. So what I mean is the president of the university on the first day or when he or she welcomes the incoming class, of course, they talk about – They talk about diversity and inclusion, of course, but along with that they need to talk about what we're here to do. Why are we here? What is special about this place that you could not get if you just stayed home and went to the library every day, or found books on the Internet. What's special about this place?

So if they set norms about our mission, that we’re playing the truth seeking game, that we require disagreement, that we are trying to make a diverse community, and that means there will be frequent, almost constant misunderstandings. We have to all try not to give offense. I think it's useful to train students in those ways. But at the same time, we have to train everyone to give everyone else the benefit of the doubt. 

Diversity is hard, and I think some of the ways that we teach about diversity may amplify problems. Given that we’re tribal creatures, the more we play up identity and we teach students to judge each other based on their identity, the worst things will be. 

So I think leadership has a crucial role to play, especially at orientation on universities. They have to set rules, and just as we will not tolerate acts of racial hostility, or sexism. We’ll not tolerate those things. Similarly, we should not tolerate anyone shouting someone else down, preventing someone from speaking. So these are some of the most florid examples of what's been happening on college campuses, is speakers who get no platform, or shouted down because their views are deemed to be too hateful. 

The usual way to respond to that is to either just don't go to the talk, or debate the person. Show them where they’re wrong. Show the audience where the person is wrong, and that's the way things were on college campuses until around 2013-2014. That’s when this recent wave of shout downs have been.

A couple of them have involved violence, although for the most part they’ve been nonviolent.

[00:27:19] MB: It’s interesting, and in many ways when you can kind of silence the debates around these ideas, you prevent some of these more kind of racist and sexist perspectives from really being explored and dismantled, in many ways kind of create a space for them to kind of foster, because they can't be challenged because they can't be discussed. 

[00:27:36] JH: That's right. When you tell people, “You can't say that. You will be punished if you say that.” The response is never, “Oh gosh! Then I must be wrong. I'll stop thinking that.” The response is usually a kind of anger. It is an emotion in the psychological literature called reactants. Reactants is the angry feeling you get when you're told you can't do something or say something, or if you're pinned down. You have an extra strength to fight off restraint. People don't like that. 

And so in many ways, speech restrictions, the sort of thought policing, it makes a lot of people angry, and I think it makes especially young men much more interested in speakers and for that attack, that kind of political correctness. So there’s certainly has been a rise of – Again, I don't want to get into the debate about what is the alt-right and all those things, but I think the political polarization that we're seeing, I think many people on the left are shortsighted if they try to shut down kinds of speech. I think when they do that, they tend to simply make enemies and push people over to their opponents. 

In fact, I got a great quote here. Let me see if I can find. There’s a quote from Steve Bannon. Let’s see what did he say. He said, “The democrats, the longer they talk about identity politics, I got them. I want them to talk about racism every day. If the left is focused on race and identity and we go with economic nationalism, we can crush the democrats.” 

Now, that's a strategy decision. I'm not sure that he's right about it, but as a social psychologist, I think that there is at least some truth to that, that people on the left or some recent movements on the left, when they talk about these identity issues in ways that seem to attack people or treat people as evil, they make enemies, and it's often counterproductive. 

[00:29:23] MB: So kind of pulling back from the sort of moral or political element of this, I think you talk in the book as well about kind of how this culture of safetyism contributes to things like rising suicide rates and anxiety. Tell a little bit more about that. 

[00:29:38] JH: Yes. This is why I think that we will begin to see some change, because this isn’t just a debate about how to interpret things. What we're seeing is a very, very large and rapid with a sudden onset, a large rise in rates of anxiety and depression in adolescents. It's not a rise of bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia. It's not across the board and it’s not just people making up words or a new generation acting like it's, “Oh! We’re so depressed, because we’re happy. We’re comfortable talking about depression.” It’s not that. Because the suicide rate has shown the exact same thing and the hospital admission rate for self-harm has shown the exact same thing. 

Let’s see. I think I have some numbers here. Let me see if I have those numbers handy. So if you look at the suicide rate for adolescents, boys always have a high - Girls make more attempts, but boys have – Boys commit suicide more often, because they tend to jump off buildings, or use guns. They tend to use irreversible means. 

So boys have a higher rate, but what has happened since roughly 2011 is the rates of suicide and anxiety and depression began rising for boys. So the boys’ suicide rate is up 25%. If you take the average of the suicide rate for the United States for teenagers from 2001 to 2010, that was 11.9 per hundred thousand. That's risen to 14.8 per hundred thousand. So that's a 25% rise in boys killing themselves, teenage boys killing themselves. That's gigantic. That's a lot of kids. But compare that to the rate for girls, it was only 2.9 per hundred thousand if you average across the first decade of this century, and it goes from under three to now about five per hundred thousand. That is an increase of 70%. The girls’ suicide rate is up 70% if the last two years of data are pretty much identical at five per hundred thousand. 

So my point is that something rather sudden has happened. It hit us all by surprise. Over the last few years, we've been hearing reports from college campuses that the student counseling centers are overwhelmed that the line of students seeking help for depression and anxiety is way out the door. We can't meet the demand. Will, now, finally in last couple of years, we have really clear national data on this. So this is a catastrophe. This is a lot of dead kids, suffering kids, destroyed families. This is horrible what's happening. We’ve got to get a handle on it. 

Social media is clearly a big piece of the puzzle, and there’s a wonderful book called iGen, I-G-E-N, by Jean Twenge that goes into that, but we think that the other big, big piece of the puzzle is rather than just social media. The other big piece of the puzzle is that we cracked down on playtime and independence so severely in the 1990s that we've denied kids the thousands of hours of unsupervised play that they need to become self-governing adults. 

Kids need to have plenty of time to work out conflicts to be alone, to not have a parent there by them all the time, and because we've deprived kids of play and freedom so severely since the 1990s, we think that this is one of the reasons why as they get older they have failed to develop their psychological defenses. They're not as comfortable being on their own. When they come to college, they need a lot more help. 

[00:32:53] MB: I think that kind of underscores and comes back to what we were discussing earlier, which is the idea that this – And you make this point in the book as well, is this is kind of a pragmatic argument. It's not necessarily sort of a moral or political position, and yet in many ways the dialogue today kind of often prevents this sort of the rational discussion of this from taking place. 

[00:33:14] JH: Exactly. So I'm a social psychologist. I study how to help people get along, how to bridge political divides, and the debate about what’s going on on campus unfortunately is so politicized. So we have one side, people on the right and the right wing media saying, “Oh! Snowflakes and SJW, social justice warriors. They’re crazy.” 

We have the people in the left saying, “Oh! You know, the alt-right and the racists, and the homophobes,” and all sorts of bigotry, and each side has real things that they can point to. Each side is not crazy, but they're just making the problem worse, and what Greg and I are trying to do in our book is put aside all moralism. We’re not blaming anyone. The subtitle of the book is really what the book is about. It’s how good intentions and bad ideas are setting up a generation for failure. 

We’re trying to cut through the partisan nonsense and just say, “What does the psychology tell us about child development? What does the psychology tell us about intellectual development in college? What kinds of ideas, or climates, or norms are conducive to growth and which kinds impede it?” So that's what we’re trying to do in the book, is just take a very pragmatic approach to diagnosing a serious problem and then recommending solutions. 

[00:34:29] MB: I think it’s worth noting as well that I know we’ve talked a lot on the show about sort of child development and sort of focusing on children and universities. But the reality is that these principles of growth and the psychology research around how to improve and grow and move out of your comfort zone, this applies to anybody and everybody and there's many people whose growth is limited by kind of the perspective that they should avoid or kind of wall off things that they disagree with as opposed to sort of facing them head on. 

[00:34:56] JH: That's right. I think that habit is clearly taught by social media. So it's not really clear what to do about this. So the generation we’re talking about, igen, or genz, kids born after 1995. They’re the first in history to grow up with social media, millennials got it when they were in college or later. They didn't have it as teenagers, but igen got it when they were 13, a lot of them 13 or 14. 

So the world is incredibly safe now. The crime rate is over. Rates of child deaths and accidents plummeted. The world is physically very, very safe for today's young people, but live much of their life on social media where there's all kinds of nastiness, and racism, and sexism, and social media offers people the chance to block other people. 

So if you grow up being exposed to bad words, which of course are upsetting, and then you can block those people, then you come to college and somebody, the college republicans have invited some speaker that you think is hateful. Why can't we block them? Why do we have to have them on our campus? 

So I think their habits of thought that are developed by a grown up in a social media ecosystem that are not good for living in a democracy. Democracy is messy. You're always going to dislike the other side, and somehow we have to learn to work with each other. My fear is that the youngest generation has grown up with such vivid examples of Democratic dysfunction and with tools to block out other people. 

So I think when they grow up and take over the reins of governance, they may not be as prepared as some previous generations were. That's my fear. I don't know what will happen, but that is a concern. 

[00:36:29] MB: I wrote a piece a couple of months ago around the same idea that essentially we live in a world today, and social media is a big piece of it, that algorithms essentially sort of reinforce constantly our own kind of confirmation bias. We live in a bubble basically where we’re almost never exposed to any ideas that we disagree with. It's such a major contributor to the polarization in our society today. 

[00:36:51] JH: That's right. So the Internet and social media have done two things that are very, very powerful. So we've known since the 1990s, as soon as we got search engines, like Google, and before that, AltaVista, that the internet makes it very easy to confirm whatever you want to believe. So you can start only consulting sources that you like, and of course the media ecosystem has been very conducive to that. 

So there's the filter bubble problem. We’re all sure that we’re right. We become more self-righteous, more angry at the other side. But the other effect, which is very different and I think is perhaps more pernicious, is that the costs of punishing others have gone way, way down and the benefits to doing so have gone way, way up. 

What I mean by that is that we all live in an economy of prestige, that is just as you get paid for some things and you get billed for others, when you do something socially, you either gain credibility or prestige points or you lose them. So if everybody is incentivized to – You gain prestige by doing well in the test or by making money, you'll try to do well on test and you’ll try to make money, and that may have some negative social repercussions. But for the most part, those are not so bad. 

But if you are incentivized to condemn others, if you get points for calling out others – So if someone says some perfectly innocent thing or they wear a piece of clothing that you can criticize and call it culturally insensitive, if you get points for doing that, well that’s how you get a call out culture. So young adults today, or teenagers, are for the most part it seems immersed in ecosystems that many of the elements of a call out culture. What that means is that they grow up such that everything they say has almost infinite downside potential. Anything you say could be taken out of context. Maybe you slip. You use a word you're not supposed to use, and you can be pilloried for and you can be publicly shamed for it and others will join in, because they get credibility points. They get prestige points for jumping on the pylon. 

So the internet has enabled not just the informational distortions of a bubble, but the social distortions of mob or vigilante justice. It’s not exactly justice, but mob dynamics. I think we have to really be sympathetic to the young generation growing up like this. So when they come to college, yeah, they're more reluctant to speak up in seminar classes, they’re more reluctant to challenge prevailing, the norms or whatever is the dominant view in the classroom. So their education suffers because of it. 

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[00:41:07] MB: And that kind of gets to something else that I've heard you speak about, this idea that the sort of – The sort method of scientific thinking is an unnatural sort of way of thinking and the kind of religious mode of thinking. I’ll let you kind of explain what that means, because it’s not necessarily religious. It’s sort of our more natural kind of method of thinking. 

[00:41:27] JH: Yeah. So I love to think evolutionarily. I think human beings are the most fascinating species that’s ever lived. I'm really glad that I'm one of them, and we have an amazing origin story. A part of the origin story is we have to get from where upright walking apes about 3 or 4 million years ago. We’re not human in any real sense. We’re just like chimpanzees or guerrillas who happen to have stood up, chimpanzees or bonobos who happened to have stood up vertically. Somehow we get from there to civilization, and it seems – At least the story that I tell in the righteous mind is that a really big part of the transition was because we developed religion. I don't mean large-scale religion. I mean, tribal dynamics in which we circle around something. Make it sacred. We worship a tree, or a rock, or an ancestor's skull. There are forms of traditional or tribal religion that are very, very similar around the world. 

In doing that, we create a moral order, we create a set of rules and norms that bind us together, and this is especially effective as we’re fighting the next tribe over. So we have a long period of evolution for tribalism. So if we evolved for that, and then we develop these large-scale religions only very recently; Christianity, and Hinduism, and Judaism. These religions are very recent, and in some ways now they're not fading out, I wouldn't say, but more and more Americans say that they’re spiritual, but not religious.

What that means is that they have all the same religious psychology that we've always had. We think about sin, and sacredness, and blasphemy, and sacrilege, and things like that. They have all the same psychology, but without an organized religion. Sometimes those religious psychological tendencies show up in new social movements, and this is what some people are saying about some elements of social justice. 

So social justice of course is crucial if people are being denied access or dignity because of their category membership, then that is a social injustice. So in the book, we’re very clear that social justice is a good thing. There are certain meanings of social justice that are so consistent with deep intuitive notions of justice. But at times, people fighting for a cause drift into a tribal mindset in which they can become like religious inquisitors, and a lot of people are writing about this now. There's a lot of interesting pushback from people who are not white males who are now writing about the ways that identity politics and the social justice movement have in some ways gone too far, gone off the rails, or imported some kind of ugly tendencies. So that’s something that we’re very concerned about. 

[00:44:05] MB: So how do we, kind of as you put it in the book, wise up to thinking more clearly around all of these various problems?

[00:44:14] JH: Yeah. So it's a really multifaceted problem, and therefore there's no simple answer. In the book, we conclude that there are six causal threads, six different causes of the problem, and the briefest list is rising political polarization with political purification of the faculty. Rising mental illness, especially depression, overprotective, paranoid parenting, the loss of play, the bureaucratization and incorporatization of universities and some new ideas about social justice and identity politics that, as I said, I think are often counterproductive. So those are the six trends. 

Some of those can't really be reversed. So what we recommend in the book is break the problem into what are we doing to kids before they reach college? Let's stop doing that, or at least really keep our eye on what is healthy developments and kids can live independently. In the second piece is what kinds of environments they find once they arrived in college? Though I should say, a lot of the dynamics are now happening in high schools, especially private schools, prep schools, are changing very rapidly as far as I can tell. 

So on the child-rearing front, I think we need a lot more free range parenting. So there's a wonderful woman, Lenore Skenazy, wrote a book called Free Range Kids after she let her nine-year-old son ride the subway in 2009 and he survived. He wanted to do it. He rode a few steps by himself. A lot of people were upset by this, like, “Oh my God! How dare you let your kid ride the subway? He could be abducted.” So she started based on those experiences. She started a movement called Free Range Parenting. 

Lenore and I and a few other people have recently grown this movement into a group called Let Grow. So if listeners go to letgrow.org, especially those who are parents. If you want advice on how to raise kids, go to letgrow.org, and we have a lot of advice based on scientific research. A lot of it for how do you give kids a healthier childhood that will make them stronger, more resilient adults? That's the first piece. 

Second piece is what do we do on campus? There, it just requires leadership, and leadership at many universities has been reactive, not proactive. So if you wait for things to blow up, if you wait for there to be a protestant and demands over somebody who said some word that somebody didn't like, to wait for that to happen, it’s very hard to get a handle on things. 

But if you lay out the norms very clearly upfront on the first day of class, the first day of orientation about what we’re trying to do here, the special role of universities. How we need to give each other the benefit of the doubt. If you have good clear leadership and you emphasize that this is different from the public square, this is not about fighting the political war. We’re doing something different here. I think you can create environments in which students can grow intellectually. They can have some space away from the culture war that's likely to rage for the rest of their lives once they leave college.

[00:47:07] MB: I know you also talk about kind of a framework called the Chicago Principles. Could you share those and kind of why that's so important?

[00:47:14] JH: Yes. So these issues, the issues we’re talking about now about students protesting, speakers, things like that, they didn't just start in 2013. There was a wave of that in the 1960s. In Britain, they call it no platforming. So there've been students making demands on universities for a long time. When I was in college, I went to Yale in the early 1980s, and then it was all about compelling the University to divest from South Africa. 

So students have applied pressure to universities for a long time, and that's understandable. That's normal politics. But if you're running the university, many leaders have observed that their job is just impossible. Because if they agree to do what the students want on .1, well, a third of the university community believes the opposite and a lot of the alumni deal with. 

What happens if you take sides? It's the same problem that corporate leaders are now having with their push to take sides on Donald Trump or anything else. It's antithetical to the spirit of the enterprise if leadership and the institution has to take sides on every issue. 

So the University of Chicago put together under the leadership of Professor Jeffrey Stone, they wrote a great document; The Chicago Principles on Freedom of Speech, I think is what it was called. The key point is that the university provides a platform on which all members are free to speak, free to contend, free to make their case, but the university does not take sides. As long as you say that, then you instantly redirect student efforts from protests to demand that the university do X, Y or Z to students arguing with each other, which is what they should be doing. 

So the Chicago Principles can really help insulate universities from the kind of pressure campaigns that many are getting and let them focus on providing an open platform not for everyone in the world. We don't want every holocaust denier and neo-Nazi to 00:49:22, but at least students should be free to speak and argue with each other and they should learn to make their case with evidence and good arguments.

The Chicago Principle is a very simple fix, but it's a step that every school should take to endorse them, to have a clear policy that people get to speak, nobody gets shouted down, and the university is not going to take sides in your debates. 

[00:49:22] MB: I know we touched on a number of sort of semi-political themes in this interview, and I want to underscore again this point that we discussed earlier. My personal perspective on this is sort of purely pragmatic. I'm concerned with how do we sort of discover the best possible strategies for improvement? How do we determine what the scientific research says? Ultimately, how do we pursue truth? When I think about my kind of intellectual heroes, people like Carl Sagan and Charlie Monger, the pursuit of truth and trying to really discover what's true is of such sort of fundamental importance to me. The issue can often get politicized. But I want to kind of bring that back and just reemphasize what you’ve discussed and said many times in this conversation that this is a discussion of what does the scientific research say and how do we create a society where we can have healthy, happy, psychology well-formed individuals and we can pursue truth. 

[00:50:18] JH: That's right. That's beautifully put. The one thing I would just add to that is that it's hard to just say, “Oh, we're just pursuing truth here. No politics.” Well, we’re often guided unconsciously by what we want to be true. So if a research community has no political diversity, then that research community is going to surprise – Not surprisingly find, but the scientific research supports what it believed all along. 

So just as when psychology was all male, it came to some erroneous conclusions about gender and about women's psychology, and it was very important to get women into psychology. So in the same way, the social science isn’t particularly left. There are many reasons for that, and would never have universities where half the faculty are conservative. There are a lot of psychological reasons why progressives are more drawn to the activities of faculty members. 

But when the imbalance gets severe, as it has gotten in the last 10 or 15 years, when we lose viewpoint diversity, then the science itself is at risk. The conclusions of science about politicized topics are no longer reliable. 

So what a lot of my work is on is not trying to help any group. I'm sometimes accused of trying to help conservatives, because I think we need more conservatives in the academy. But what I'm really trying to help are university and trying to help the process, that if you don't have diversity you’re liable to have some bad thinking. So we have to think very carefully about the process, the social process, the institutional process by which imperfect flawed, post hoc reasoning creatures like us who evolve to dance around campfires and worship rocks and trees. What kind of process and culture puts us together? Is that we end up producing reliable science. That's kind of an amazing story. It's a process that's easily corrupted, and that's what I'm really trying to work on in a lot of my projects and it’s what Greg and I are trying to work on in part in our book; The Coddling of the American Mind. 

[00:52:11] MB: So for listeners who want to kind of try to concretely implement some of the things we’ve discussed, what would be sort of a piece of homework or an action step that you would give them?

[00:52:21] JH: Well, first go buy the book. Buy a copy for all your friends and have them read it. I’m only being a little bit facetious, and that some of these problems are not ones you can address on your own. So the social media problem for raising kids is really hard to just crackdown on your own kid. I’m trying that now with my 12-year-old son and my 8-year-old daughter put on a program that limits them to two hours a day of internet use. It's very hard for me to do it on my home, because they say none of their other friends have this. They feel like they're being separated, because can't do – My son can't do Fortnight, and he can't do these battle games with three or four hours a day like his friends. 

But if you have a group or community; a school, a religious congregation that has a discussion about these problems, if you do things as a group, you can be much more effective. More generally, I would break it down into are you trying to improve a school? Are you trying to improve an office or a company? Because these problems are flooding into the corporate world. So listeners are going to find these issues coming to them at work increasingly over the next few years. 

So try to define what's the system that you’re hoping to reform or improve, and then think about what changes would keep healthy dynamics of debate, and discourse, and respectful disagreement. 

[00:53:36] MB: For listeners who want to learn more and find you and your work online, where's the best place to do that?

[00:53:41] JH: We have a website for the book at thecoddling.org. I cofounded an organization called heterodoxacademy.org. I also cofounded this project that's just grown wonderfully at openmindplatform.org, and that's a program we developed that will help any community learn to talk more openly, learn skills of productive disagreement. 

So our most powerful tool is the open mind program at openmindplatform.org. We produce a wonderful book of John Stuart Mills, On Liberty, just The Second Chapter. Arguments about freedom of speech and why it's so important in a liberal democracy. So if you go to heterodoxacademy.org/mill, you can find our Mill book. It's free, a free PDF download or an inexpensive Kindle. So we have a variety of resources that will help individuals and groups to maintain or improve the climate for healthy productive discourse and disagreement. 

[00:54:42] MB: Well, Jonathan, thank you so much for coming on the show and sharing all these wisdom, a very important and very timely topic. 

[00:54:49] JH: Well, thanks so much, Matt. I really enjoyed our conversation. 

[00:54:51] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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Don't forget, if you want to get all the incredible information we talked about in the show, links transcripts, everything we discussed and much more, be sure to check out our show notes. You can get those at successpodcast.com, just hit the show notes button right at the top. 

Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.

December 17, 2020 /Lace Gilger
Decision Making, Emotional Intelligence
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How To Love Yourself and Focus on Effort, Not Outcome with Kamal Ravikant

August 27, 2020 by Lace Gilger in Focus & Productivity, Emotional Intelligence

Kamal Ravikant is the author of the bestselling books, Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On I, Live Your Truth, and Rebirth. He’s been a US Army Infantry soldier, held the hands of dying patients, climbed in the Himalayas, spoken to audiences around the globe, walked 550 miles across Spain, meditated with Tibetan monks, and has worked with some of the best people in Silicon Valley. But more than anything, he is passionate about writing books that improve lives. He lives — for now — in New York City.

In this episode, we dig into how you can truly master the art of loving yourself, breathing techniques that will change your world, and much more. 

  • Why Kamal decided to revisit his best-selling book and what to expect from the update. 

  • How Kamal studies the great authors of history to plan his wiring approach. 

  • His personal story of learning to love himself. 

  • Why you don’t need to have hit rock bottom to want to improve yourself. 

  • Practical Steps for Loving Yourself

    • Stop forgiving yourself. 

    • Make a vow and then live it. 

    • If it makes you feel different, lean in, if not discard it. 

  • The ten breathes exercise that will change your life. 

  • How to control your mental chatter. 

  • How you can control your internal mind and body more than you think you can!

  • Homework: Try Kamal’s ten breathes exercise and also… watch Disney’s Moana.

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Please SUBSCRIBE and LEAVE US A REVIEW on iTunes! (Click here for instructions on how to do that).

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Looking for other ways to make life easier and more productive? Remember to check out our free new resource on Evidence-Based Growth at SuccessPodcast.com/EBG.

The personal development world is full of bad information. We got sick and tired of this, so we hired a team of researchers to dig through a huge treasure trove of scientific data and figure out what the science is really saying, free of bias, hype, and self promotion.

Our research team combed through thousands of studies to figure out exactly what the science says about popular personal development topics. Learn what works, what doesn’t, and exactly how you can use things like meditation, journaling, breathing, and so much more to achieve your goals.

With this tool, you can finally find and implement the self help and personal development methods that will create the biggest positives results in your life. And this time, you will have science on your side.

Want To Dig In More?! - Here’s The Show Notes, Links, & Research

General

  • FounderZen Website

  • Kamal’s Blog 

  • Kamal’s Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn

Media

  • The CEO Library - Books Recommended by Kamal Ravikant

  • Turndog - “4 Inspiring Life Lessons From Kamal Ravikant” by TURNDOG

  • Crunchbase Profile - Kamal Ravikant

  • Article Directory on Medium 

  • [Podcast] Aubrey Marcus - How To Practice Self-Love with Kamal Ravikant - AMP #239

  • [Podcast] The Chase Jarvis Live Show - 10 Breaths Back to Love with Kamal Ravikant

  • [Podcast] The Rich Roll Podcast - EPISODE 515: KAMAL RAVIKANT ON WHY SELF-LOVE IS EVERYTHING

  • [Podcast] Good Life Project - Loving Yourself (the truth) | Kamal Ravikant

  • [Podcast] The Unmistakable Creative Podcast - THE PROFOUND POWER OF PERSONAL COMMITMENT WITH KAMAL RAVIKANT

Videos

  • Kamal’s Channel

    • One of the Most Important Lessons of My Life

  • Inspire Nation - The Simplest, Most Powerful Way to Completely Change Your Life! Kamal Ravikant

  • James Altucher - Back from the Dead: Kamal Ravikant Shares How His Near-Death Experience Led to Inner Peace

  • SOFREP - Episode 3: Inside the Team Room with U.S. Navy SEAL Snipers – Guest Kamal Ravikant

  • Mpenzi Meditations - I love myself | Guided meditation

  • Glenn Beck - The Miracle of Loving Yourself | Kamal Ravikant | Ep 66 | The Glenn Beck Podcast

  • Knowledge for Men - Kamal Ravikant: Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It

Books

  • Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It by Kamal Ravikant

  • Rebirth: A Fable of Love, Forgiveness, and Following Your Heart by Kamal Ravikant

  • Live Your Truth by Kamal Ravikant

  • Rebirth book site

  • Kamal’s Amazon Page

Misc

  • [Product] Olympic Rings

August 27, 2020 /Lace Gilger
Focus & Productivity, Emotional Intelligence

From Intellectual Knowing to Felt Knowledge with Rick Hanson

August 20, 2020 by Lace Gilger in Creativity & Memory, Mind Expansion, Emotional Intelligence

In this episode, we dive deep into an incredible conversation with returning guest Dr. Rick Hanson to explore neuroplasticity, the science of changing your brain, and how to supercharge your ability to learn anything. 

Dr. Rick Hanson is a psychologist, Senior Fellow of UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, and New York Times best-selling author. His books have been published in 29 languages and include Mother Nurture, Resilient, Hardwiring Happiness, Buddha's Brain, Just One Thing, and most recently Neurodharma: New Science, Ancient Wisdom, and Seven Practices of the Highest Happiness. He is the founder of the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom, he's lectured at NASA, Google, Oxford, and Harvard, and been featured on the BBC, CBS, and NPR, and many more media outlets.

  • All of our experiences are natural processes. There is no categorical distinction between the experiences of a human and the sensory experiences of a spider, a cat, or any animal or sentient being. 

  • How can we use our minds to change our brains?

  • “Self-directed neuroplasticity” and “positive neuroplasticity” 

  • Mindfulness practice changes the physical structure of your brain

  • Your mind is shaped by your environment 

  • Your mind shapes your reaction to things, even more than the events themselves. 

  • How do we disengage from negative experiences & rumination?

  • Slow down and experience positive and beneficial experiences. Help your states become traits. Turn passing experience into lasting physical change. 

  • Neuroplasticity is the core way that learning works in your brain. You can harness it to improve your life. 

  • 2/3 of who you are is learned or acquired over your life span. "You have the power to affect who you are becoming." It’s the superpower of superpowers. 

  • How do we go from ephemeral learning, watching a TED talk, and then having no impact or change in our life? 

  • How are we helping ourselves internalize the lessons of our experience? 

  • Focus on what’s personally relevant and meaningful, focus on what’s new about the experience, the more you bring it into your body the more it will sink it. 

  • We have the ability, every day, to use the power of positivity

  • We consume too much "Intellectual cotton candy” - it’s important to be thoughtful of

  • “Quick 3 breaths practice” 

  • How does the “hardware” of neuroplasticity work? We have an “enchanted loom” inside our brains “continuously weaving the tapestry of consciousness”

  • The hardware of your brain is designed to be changed by the activity of the brain itself.

  • “Hebb's Law” = Neurons that fire together, wire together. 

    • New connections form as a result of repeated thoughts

    • More blood flows through well used neural and synaptic connections. 

  • You can literally see the thickening of brain passageways via MRIs resulting from your thoughts. 

  • Your thoughts and your actions can change the genetic expression of your genes in a way that can reduce your stress response and improve your happiness

  • Our experiences matter in the moment, but they matter even more for shaping WHO YOU ARE BECOMING.

  • Science is extremely clear that your thoughts change the physical structure of your brain and ultimately WHO YOU Are. 

  • Happy people are successful people. 

  • When you experience something useful in the flow of everyday life, slow down and receive it, 5-10 seconds can make a huge difference in internalized 

    • This applies to THOUGHTS and SENSATIONS, EXPERIENCES, EMOTIONS, and FEELINGS too!

    • It’s not just for internalizing ideas, it's also incredibly powerful for internalizing feelings and experiences

  • 2 Step Process of Neural Change

    • (1) We experience something

    • (2) It changes the brain. 

  • If you’re having an experience and you want to experience more of it.. here’s what to do. 

  • "The 8 Factors of Self Directed Neuroplasticity"

    • How to REGISTER beneficial experiences so they have a lasting impact on your brain. 

    • Enriching.. help an experience become BIGGER and MORE LASTING

      • Duration - extend the duration of the experience. Keep the neurons firing together for longer. Don’t chase the next experience, really sit with it. 

      • Intensity - dial up the intensity of the experience to fire more neurons and get it to sink in better. Turn up the volume inside yourself to make the experience feel BIG and intense. 

      • Multi-modality - have more aspects of the experience in play, feeling, thinking, sensing, sensations, physical experience, actions, etc

        • Thoughts, perceptions (including physical sensations), emotions, desires, actions 

      • Novelty - the brain is a novelty detector. Make an experience more fresh or novel, explore different and new parts of the experience, look at it freshly, the sense of newness will increase its internalization

      • Personal Relevance / Salience - this is not about episodic memory or specific memories, this is for implicit memory, the felt sense or experience, not specific memories. Make things personally relevant to YOU. 

        • Increasing their relevance to you personally makes it stick in your brain 

    • Absorbing.. sensitive the machinery of the brain so it’s more receptive to and influenced by experience. Help yourself become more sensitive and receptive to the inner dialogue. 

      • Intention - intend to be changed a little by the experience. Be willing and open to change for the better. 

      • Sense of receiving the experience - consciously receive the experience, ask yourself where in your mind, body, or experience the feeling needs to be received. 

      • Focus on what is rewarding - what is enjoyable, meaningful, or both. Focus on what feels good about the experience it increases dopamine and neurochemicals which increase long term storage and consolidation. 

    • 3 Step Process

      • (1) Have a beneficial experience you want to cultivate further 

      • (2) Then shift into enriching… protect the experience, add fire to it, keep it burning brightly

      • (3) Then absorb.. receive the warmth of the fire. 

  • You can’t control whether the tide is rising or falling.. you can’t control many things.. but you can control your own experience and your reactions. 

  • The Importance of Self Reliance 

    • Competent

    • Autonomous 

  • The foundation of personal intimacy with others is autonomy. 

  • Being self-directed and being capable.. are the fundamental building blocks of being healthier, happier, and more productive. 

  • We become competent through learning... social competence, emotional competence, spiritual competence, etc. Getting good at learning is the most important thing you can do. 

  • Two useful questions to improve your life. 

    • When you look at the challenges of your life - either external or internal - what, if it where more present in your mind, your being, your heart - what would REALLY help? 

      • This helps you identify the inner strengths that you need 

    • What does it mean to have a wonderful human life? Here we are today.. what kind of life do you want to have.. what do you want it to feel like to be you? What should your life feel like? What do you want to feel inside? 

      • Once you discover this, you can gradually grow it over time. 

  • Find the experiences and feelings you want - and focus on using these methods to internalize.

  • Whatever it is that you want to be more like, study the people who have made that thing their life's work and gotten good at it.

  • The process of growth - both general and specific - this is how learning works. "In the beginning, nothing came… in the middle, nothing stayed.. in the end, nothing left."

  • "Trying to light a fire with wet wood."

  • Homework: “The 5-minute challenge” that will transform your day. 

    • Slow down: As you go through your day slow down when you’re having a good experience, 5 seconds here, 20 seconds there, etc. 

    • Have a focus for self-development: What are you working on developing within yourself right now? This is your North Star. Have one thing you’re deliberately trying to grow and improve in your life. 

    • Marinate in deep green: Safety, satisfaction, connection. Soak in an experience of your body calming down. When you feel rested, safe, and content.. hang out there as long as you can. 

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Please SUBSCRIBE and LEAVE US A REVIEW on iTunes! (Click here for instructions on how to do that).

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Looking for other ways to make life easier and more productive? Remember to check out our free new resource on Evidence-Based Growth at SuccessPodcast.com/EBG.

The personal development world is full of bad information. We got sick and tired of this, so we hired a team of researchers to dig through a huge treasure trove of scientific data and figure out what the science is really saying, free of bias, hype, and self promotion.

Our research team combed through thousands of studies to figure out exactly what the science says about popular personal development topics. Learn what works, what doesn’t, and exactly how you can use things like meditation, journaling, breathing, and so much more to achieve your goals.

With this tool, you can finally find and implement the self help and personal development methods that will create the biggest positives results in your life. And this time, you will have science on your side.

Want To Dig In More?! - Here’s The Show Notes, Links, & Research

General

  • Rick’s Website  and Blog

  • Rick’s LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter

  • Rick’s Podcast, Being Well with Dr. Rick Hanson

  • Wisebrain

Media

  • Psychology Today - Rick Hanson Profile

  • Article Directory on Mental Help, HuffPost, Greater Good Magazine

  • Forbes - “Three Mindfulness Practices For Leading In Disruption” by Henna Inam

  • [Courses] Mindfulness Exercises - Rick Hanson’s Mindfulness Meditations

  • DharmaSeed - Rick Hanson's Dharma Talks

  • [Podcast] The Feel Good Effect - 119: The Secret to Becoming More Resilient with Dr. Rick Hanson

  • [Podcast] The Accidental Creative - Dr. Rick Hanson on Hardwiring Happiness

  • [Podcast] Revolution Health Radio - How to “Hardwire Happiness,” with Dr. Rick Hanson

  • The Jordan Harbinger Show - 192: Rick Hanson | The Science of Hardwiring Happiness and Resilience

  • [Podcast] Marie Forleo - HOW TO BUILD UNSHAKEABLE INNER STRENGTH USING YOUR BRAIN

Videos

  • Rick’s YouTube Channel

    • Resilience During A Time of Fear

    • Neurodharma: New Science, Ancient Wisdom, and Seven Practices of the Highest Happiness

  • InsightTimer - Being on Your Own Side by Rick Hanson

  • Inspire Nation - How to Hardwire Your Brain for Happiness! | Rick Hanson | "Buddha's Brain" | Positive Psychology

  • Optimize - Optimize Interview: Buddha’s Brain with Rick Hanson

  • Matt D’Avella - The Reason Most People are Unhappy

  • TEDxTalks - Hardwiring happiness: Dr. Rick Hanson at TEDxMarin 2013

  • Talks At Google - Rick Hanson: "Resilient" | Talks at Google

    • Rick Hanson | Talks at Google

  • Greater Good Science Center - Rick Hanson: Understanding Neuroplasticity

Books

  • Amazon Author Page - Rick Hanson

  • Neurodharma: New Science, Ancient Wisdom, and Seven Practices of the Highest Happiness  by Rick Hanson

  • Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness  by Rick Hanson , Forrest Hanson

  • Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence  by Rick Hanson

  • Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom  by Rick Hanson , Daniel J. Siegel

  • Just One Thing: Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time by Rick Hanson

  • Mother Nurture: A Mother's Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships by Rick Hanson, Jan Hanson, and Ricki Pollycove

Episode Transcript

[00:00:04.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the Science of Success, the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet, bringing the world's top experts right to you. Introducing your hosts, Matt Bodnar and Austin Fabel. 

[00:00:19] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success, the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than 5 million downloads and listeners in over 100 countries. In this episode, we dive deep into an incredible conversation with returning guest, Dr. Rick Hanson, to explore neuroplasticity, the science of changing your brain and how to supercharge your ability to learn anything.

Are you a fan of the show have you been enjoying our interviews with the world's top experts? If so, you need to head to successpodcast.com and sign up for our email list. You will receive a time of exclusive subscriber content as well as our free course we put a ton of time into called How to Create Time For What Matters Most in Your Life. You'll get that and so much more value and content on a weekly basis directly from our team. Sign up now at successpodcast.com. Or if you're on the move, text 44222 to SMARTER. That's S-M-A-R-T-E-R on your phone to subscribe on the go. 

In our previous episode, we discussed the hidden science behind navigating life’s toughest transitions with our previous guest, Bruce Feiler. 

Dr. Rick Hanson is a psychologist, senior fellow of UC Berkley’s Greater Good Science Center and New York Times bestselling author. His books have been published in 29 languages and include Mother Nurture, Resilient, Hardwiring Happiness, Buddhist Brain, Just One Thing, and most recently, Neurodharma: New Science, Ancient Wisdom and Seven Practices of the Highest Happiness. He’s the founder of the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom. He’s lectured at NASA, Google, Oxford, Harvard and been featured on media outlets across the world. 

[00:02:12] MB: Rick, welcome back to the Science of Success. 

[00:02:15] RH: Matt, I’m glad to be here. Greetings to you in Tennessee. I’m here in Northern California.  

[00:02:19] MB: Well, I’m so excited to have you back on the show. Our first conversation at this point, it was three or four years ago, maybe even longer than that. And you’ve been working on a lot of interesting stuff. One of the things that really spans your entire catalogue of work that I think is so interesting is that you do a tremendous job of connecting ancient wisdom with modern science in a way that’s really practical and applicable  in our lives. And so that to me, I just wanted to commend you for such a great approach to improving the human experience and human understanding.  

[00:02:53] RH: Matt, thank you. Honestly. Praise coming from you, and I appreciate it. 

[00:02:58] MB: Awesome. We’re going to jump right in to some deeper issues. Let’s start with a question of what is the source of our thoughts, our emotions, our feelings, and even to some degree, our sense of self? 

[00:03:13] RH: That’s a really deep question. I think the answer inside the frame of science is to ground all of our experiences and keeping it simple. The sounds we’re hearing. The birds outside my window right, sensations in our body, pulling up the knowledge of our home phone number, our cell number. All of those experiences are natural processes. There’s no categorical distinction down between the experiences of a human and the experiences of a gorilla, a cat, a lizard, a goldfish, or maybe even a little spider, which is really just remarkable to reflect upon it. The nervous system has been evolving for 600 million years helping creatures including us today survive and even thrive in really challenging conditions. 

If you ground mind and life, then that leads you into a very practical investigation, which the perennial wisdom around the world has pursued. People describe these fellows or people as of all genders and beyond gender as the Olympic athletes of mental training. That’s pretty remarkable, right? But also it brings you into a very practical consideration of modern science that says, “How can we use our mind to change our brain for the better? Thus, changing our mind for the better as well.” And that’s my own personal focus.  

[00:04:36] MB: So let’s dig into that a little bit. Tell me about that concept, because to me that’s something that is the promise of that and the potential of that is so powerful. 

[00:04:44] RH: Yeah, it is. If you think of it, Jeffrey Schwartz of UCLA coined the term “self-directed neuroplasticity”. I work a lot in what could be called positive neuroplasticity using deliberate mental activities to plausibly change your brain, which then in turn shifts your mood, lifts your motivation, helps you perform at a higher level, and it also helps you be more content and happy along the way. 

One of the remarkable findings is that something like mindfulness practice, for example, changes your brain in ways that are increasingly measurable with things like MRIs and EEGs. It’s also true of course that the brain can be changed for the worse. It has a negativity bias that makes it like Velcro for bad experiences, but Teflon for good ones. 

So both traumatic experiences as well as the daily grind that wears people down gradually alters neural structure and function for the worse. So for me the take away is deal with the bad, turn to the good, take in the good. That summarizes a lot of useful practice. 

[00:05:49] MB: That’s something that you’re hinting at another idea that I think is really important, which is this notion of controlling the inputs in your life, controlling your environment. And if you don’t take ownership of even the smallest things, as you said, a lot of negative experiences overtime can change the structure of your brain in a negative way too. And so tell me about how we can start to consciously and mindfully craft whether it’s our thoughts, our experiences, our actions, etc., to reshape our brains via neuroplasticity and to be happier and healthier and more productive.  

[00:06:24] RH: Oh, that’s really great. I’m a really practical guy. I’m a psychologist. I’m a parent to two young adults. I’ve been married a long time. I had a mortgage for a long time. I’ve been in business as well. So I’m the real-world. And also I care about what’s happening in society, including in this time of trouble and opportunity that we’re in the middle of right now in America and around the world. 

Of course, always, we should do what we can to help the world around us be better. Including improve our relationships with other people, seek out people that are more copasetic with us and so forth. And also do what we can with our physical bodies. But meanwhile, we have our minds, and our minds are with us wherever we go. And our minds shape our reaction at things actually, usually, more than our circumstances do. 

Yes, try to improve your circumstances and relationships and settings. But meanwhile, wow! Your mind is like the shock absorber. It’s like the furnace. It’s like the climate, the atmosphere that you take with you wherever you go. Appreciating the importance of lifting the triple bottom line and doing what we can in the world around us. Meanwhile, wherever you go, there you go. 

So one of the things that people can really do is to think about disengaging from negative experiences, not to look at the world through a rose-colored glasses, but to stop reinforcing the negative by ruminating about it. Just that alone leaves people’s mental health and they’re functioning dramatically. Disengage from ruminating. 

Second, when you’re having a beneficial experience of any kind, a simple one, you’re relaxing a little as you exhale. You’re enjoying the intellectual conversation with someone like Matt Bodnar. You’re appreciating the fact that your coffee tastes good. You get little thing done. Your cat crawls in your lap. Whatever it might be, slow down to help your brain catch up to that experiencing the fact. Slow down to, in the famous saying, keep the neurons firing together so they wire as well. 

And the problem is most of us leave in a state of discontent. We’re always chasing the next shiny object rather than savoring and marinating in and internalizing the current beneficial experience so that it actually changes our brain. We live in states, but we don’t help our states become traits. And that fundamental power to turn passing experiences into lasting physical change in your brain is fantastic. But most people don’t use it very much. 

[00:09:04] MB: And so correct me if I’m describing this in the right way, but the idea is to – When you’re experiencing some kind of positive emotional experience. It could be anything as small as a sip of coffee up to a child’s birthday, something like that. We need to take the time to be mindful and try to savor that moment, savor that experience of positive feeling, because when you do, you’re slowly firing and binding the neurons in your brain at a physical level to increase your happiness and really truly build those neurons and that myelin together in a way that is going to have a permanent change on your brain structure. 

[00:09:42] RH: Exactly right, and very well said. And I want to stress a key point here. What we’re talking about is the fundamental process of learning. And if you think about all the things that we could describe as inner strengths, grit, gratitude, compassion, emotional intelligence, secure attachment, executive functions, knowhow, people smarts, self-compassion, all of it. Those your inner strengths of various kinds. And research shows that on the whole, on average, about two-thirds of who we are is something that's acquired over the lifespan distinct from that one-third or so that's innate and baked into our DNA. 

So we have the power to affect who we are becoming. If you think about it, that power to affect who we are becoming is the strength of strengths. It’s the superpower of superpower, because learning is the strength that grows the rest of them. So that's fundamentally what we’re talking about. And you can think about how much money is wasted in business settings, in training people where it doesn't sink in. Or you can think about the frustration for individuals who are seeking some kind of self-improvement. Some form of maybe healing from the past or growing of something inside for the future. And when they’re reading the book or listening to the talk, the TED Talk, they feel great. They feel inspired. They felt motivated. But an hour later, it's as if it never happened. That's really frustrating. 

And so to me, it's extremely useful to broaden the notion here into learning altogether and to realize that, for example, there you are – I've done sales, for example. I use that as an illustration. There you are in a sales situation and maybe you walk away from it and you realize, “Ha! Next time I really want to help myself do something different. I want to have a different attitude inside my mind. I want to approach it a little differently, a different perspective. Maybe I want to remember to avoid talking in certain ways or I want to remember to start talking in other ways. I want to really help that land.” And you could use a similar example in your personal relationship. Like I will often walk away from an interaction with my wife thinking to myself, “Right, bro. There's a better way next time.” I want to help it land. I want to help it sink in so that next time it really is different for me. 

So then the question becomes how are we helping ourselves really internalize the lesson broadly from that experience? In fact, yes, the longer we stay with an experience, the more it's going to tend to internalize. There are other factors as well that are factors of learning that you can mobilize yourself and become, therefore, more autonomous and also more competent at the learning process broadly defined altogether. 

So the more you focus on what's rewarding about the experience, the more it's going to tend to alterations in neural structure and function. The more you recognize what’s personally relevant or meaningful about the experience, the more you’re going to learn from it. The more that you focus on what's novel, or fresh, or meaningful about the experience. The more it's going to tend to internalize. The more active you are, the more you bring it in your body, the more you kind of help this new attitude or way of thinking about things, let’s say, or feeling, be a shift in your posture, your facial expression your body language, the more it’s going to sink in.  It’s not magic. It’s just that we don't use it. And yet we have this ability again and again and again many times a day to use the power of positive neural plasticity and take charge of who we are becoming. 

[00:13:14] MB: You said so many things that I want to explore. But this idea that you can apply this principle of neural plasticity to just beyond –

[00:13:22] RH: Anything.

[00:13:22] MB: Yeah. It's such a really unique take on the whole idea of neural plasticity, and we've all experienced that essentially ephemeral learning experience where we watch a TED Talk, we read a book, we do something. And then an hour later, a day later, or a month later, you’ve forgotten the entire thing. 

[00:13:37] RH: It’s like cotton candy. We’re trying to live on cotton candy. And you can kind of live, but you're not going to internalize many nutrients that way.

[00:13:44] MB: That's perfect. And so you're saying that the antidote to this intellectual cotton candy is to really sit with the content, internalize it physically. Try to feel it. Try to focus on what's new. As you said, you went through a list of about 10 different ways that you can really start to be more present to whatever you want to learn and whatever you want to really burn into the physical structure of your brain essentially.

[00:14:09] RH: Exactly right. I'm really glad you got it, because it's really easy to dismiss what we’re talking about or trivialize it as, “Oh, yeah. Savor the sunrise.” Yeah, definitely, savor the sunrise. Enjoy every sandwich, blah-blah. But what about those moments where you just feel your own gritty fortitude? Your toughness? I've done a lot of wilderness things, a lot of rock climbing, and I’ve been in business environments where you just got to dig deep and gut it out. And what does it feel like to gut it out? And then the next time you got to gut it out, you’re going to be more able to gut it out if you've grown that grit inside, for example. Or other times you realize, “You know, damn it. I messed up. I don't want to do that again,” whatever. Maybe you yelled at somebody or you just kind of lost it or you got too drunk, something. And you just say to yourself, “No, I don't want to do that again.” You want to help it sink in, or a lot. You just have sort of a mood that’s settled. A mood of appreciation, or gratitude, or thankfulness for living, or a sense of feeling cared about by other people, let's say, appreciated by them. And based on that, you want to really, really help it sink in. So it becomes more and more of who you are. 

Matt, if you want, I'll tell you eight factors of self-directed neural plasticity. I'll just go through them. I ranted there, but I'll list them quickly. Also, if you like, I'll teach you this little three breaths practice that I'm doing lately with people that is amazingly powerful and grounded in brain science. 

[00:15:39] MB: I want to do both of those things. Before we do that, just really briefly, I'd love to dig into the science around neuroplasticity a little bit if that makes sense just to ground the importance of how science-based this is and what's actually happening in your brain when you learn anything and how you’ve re-conceptualized it in a way to really make your learning and your positive emotional experiences much more meaningful.

[00:16:05] RH: Fantastic. So quick summary of the hardware, inside the 3 pounds of tofu-like tissue, inside the coconut as it were, inside your brain, are about 85 billion neurons plus another 100 billion or so support cells. The neurons are mainly where the information processing hardware of your body lives. And those neurons are connected with each other, on average, in several thousand places called synapses. These little junctions between neurons giving you, in effect, several hundred trillion little microprocessors inside your head right now. And to use the phrase from the neuroscientist, Charles Sherrington, it’s as if we have an enchanted loom inside ourselves continually weaving the tapestry of consciousness. Neurons fire continuously. They typically fire 5 to 50 times a second. They’re really busy. Large coalitions of millions of neurons fire together synchronously many times a second. The world of the brain is very small, very fast and very complicated. Those little synaptic junctions between neurons are so tiny that you could put several thousand of them side-by-side in the width of a single human hair. 

So that's the hardware, and it's designed to be changed by the information flowing through it, including that portion of the information flowing through the nervous system that is the basis for our conscious experiences of hearing, seeing, coping, dreaming, remembering and so forth. So, there are many ways in which that process of neural plastic change occurs physically, which is kind of remarkable to appreciate. And I'll just name some of the major ones. 

First, in the saying from the Canadian psychologist, Donald Hebb, who worked in the 1940s and 1950s, neurons that fire together, wire together. So if they’re firing together, they literally start to wire together. New connections form. Second, existing connections become more or less sensitive as a neural physical basis of learning. Third, more blood starts to flow or through capillaries that reach out like little tiny fingerlike tubes in the regions of the brain that are busy. It's a little bit like working a muscle again and again. You literally build tissue there in ways that are measurable now in MRIs as thickening of the cortical layers of the brain. 

Fourth, there can be changes in the expression of genes inside the nuclei of neurons. For example, people who routinely practice relaxation training of one kind or another have improved regulation of genes in the brain that calm down the stress response, which makes people more resilient as a result. And fifth major way in which neural plastic change occurs is that different parts of the brain can improve their coordination with each other. It's as if the brain builds long superhighways between major centers major cities in the brain so they can coordinate better together. 

The takeaway here is that our experiences matter in the moment for how they feel, but they also matter a lot for who we are becoming. And for me, what the major-league takeaway is, is, number one, when you're having negative, painful experiences, you can't fight with them, which just makes them stronger. But you can step back from them mindfully. And as soon as you step back from them, when you're being with these experiences, let’s say, of stress, or anger, or frustration, or sadness, or hurt, you're not reinforcing them anymore. And in fact, you're starting to associate those negative experiences with the spaciousness of calm awareness. That's great. 

Second, meanwhile, look for every opportunity to grow psychological strengths of various kinds, resources inside yourself, including the fundamental psychological strength of global happiness and well-being. That's a major factor of resilience to just be happier. And it's also a major factor of career success. Long-term happy people or successful people. Yes, there are exceptions. But over the marathon of a career, a person's sense of underlying contentment and fulfillment and well-being is a major indicator of career success. 

And then the last brief comment here is that when you are experiencing something useful, just enough flow of everyday life, why not slow down? Why not receive it into yourself, literally, for a breath? Half a breath? 5, 10 seconds can make an enormous difference. But as they say in Tibet, if you take care of the minutes, the years will take care of themselves. Breath by breath, minute by minute, we can really grow the good inside our brain and therefore inside our life.

[00:20:53] RH: Such incredible description of the process and how everything works. To try and boil this down in the simplest possible terms, essentially, the science is extremely clear that you’re – 

[00:21:05] RH: Very clear. 

[00:21:04] MB: Thoughts can change the physical structure of your brain. And ultimately your thoughts, in a very real sense, change who you are. 

[00:21:13] RH: Yup. And if I could just emphasize, I know you’re using the word. You’re so bright, Matt. It’s really just a pleasure to hang out with you. Truly. I'm a wise speech. I’m a write speech guy, just the facts. Anyway – Yeah, and to broaden – You mean it broadly, but I want to really emphasize it by thoughts. We're including cognitions. I think Matt is really smart. That's a thought. Okay. 

[00:21:36] MB: Keep working on that one. Really internalize that one. 

[00:21:39] RH: Yeah. You keep working at it. You keep taking it in. But then you’re giving me the big smile, because we’re seeing each other here. And I'm feeling, not just thinking. I'm feeling good. There's an emotion between us. We don't know each other super well, but there's a nice kind of human camaraderie. It's not more than what it is, but it’s not less than what it is. I'm feeling it. I’m feeling it in my body. My arms are waving. I'm moving. All of that is part of the music of experience. 

So, yeah, they’re the lyrics. Let's call it that, of experience, the thought track, the cognitive track. And meanwhile, there are images, there are emotions, there are sensations, there are attitudes, there are behaviors, there are intentions and desire, the totality of all that is an opportunity for internalization. 

Yes, it's useful to internalize ideas. I internalize the ideas in my mid-20s, that growing up I'd been a nerd, but not a wimp. That was a very useful idea. But especially, what was useful from that idea was the feeling of relief and the release of a kind of sense of inadequacy or shame that I was some kind of wimpy guy, which I wasn't. I was shy. I was nerdy. So I’ll get out. I was very young for grade. I skipped a grade and have a late birthday. But I was nobody's wimp, right? Anyway, we start with the idea, but then what you really want to do as much as you can is help the idea become lived experience. It’s like moving from the menu to the meal. 

[00:23:04] MB: That's an incredible point, and really, really insightful. It's not just thoughts. It's not just concepts. It's feelings, experiences, emotions, sensations, everything. 

[00:23:14] RH: You got it. Exactly right.

[BREAK]

[00:23:20] MB: Getting your business off the ground is hard. Take it from us. We’ve been there. Sit Down Startup is a new weekly podcast from Zendesk. Find out why customer experience is at the heart of success. Zendesk for startups, chats with Zendesk leaders, founders and CEOs in a coffee shop style conversation about starting up when the world is upside down. Catch weekly episodes on Apple, Google, and Spotify. 

[INTERVIEW CONTINUED] 

[00:23:51] MB: So you want to hear these eight separate ways you can change your brain for the better that's just while you're experiencing – 

[00:23:55] MB: That’s right. Let’s dig in. 

[00:23:57] RH: Yup, and I'll just do it kind of fast. Basically, if you think about it – So there's the two-step process of positive change or negative change. First, we experience something. And then second, it changes the brain. Okay. So I want to talk about how we can start with whatever we’re experiencing and then use it to change the brain for the better. All right. So let's suppose you're having an experience of some kind that you think, “Oh, this one is a keeper.” Or, “I want to become more this way. I want to help myself become more this way.” So you start with some sense of what you want to become more like, or stabilize inside yourself. Okay, great. 

The process of internalization, that second step, has two aspects. They kind of overlap experientially, but they’re meaningfully distinct. First aspect is called – I call it enriching where we help the experience be big and lasting. The second step, I call absorbing. We sensitize the memory-making machinery of the brain so it's more receptive to and more changeable by the experience we’re having at the time. So now we’ll go through it. 

Five factors of enriching, three of absorbing. So these are eight separate ways that you can change your brain for the better. You don't have to use all 8 at the same time. There are a couple that probably come out for you as go-tos. But I’ll just go through them. Number one, duration. Extend the duration of the experience. Keep the neurons firing together longer for a breath, or two, or three, or more, stay with it. Rather than chasing the next experience or letting other people rain on your parade and distract you from what's beneficial here and now that you're trying to take into yourself. 

Second major factor, intensity. The more intensely those neurons are firing, the more it's going to sink in. So if you have a sense of, let's say, worth through feeling connected with another person, they like you, they’re friendly toward you, there’s respect coming your way. Kind of turn up the volume on that experience inside yourself as best you can so it feels big and intense inside your mind. Intensity. 

Third major factor, I just call it multimodality. What I mean by that is have more aspects of the experience in play. Like we were saying, not just the thought track, but add this sensation track. Add the emotion track. Add the desire track. Add the action track. Those are five major aspects of our experiences, thoughts, perceptions, including sensations, emotions, desires and actions. Okay? So that’s the third factor of enriching the experience. Whole body experience. 

Fourth factor, novelty. The brain is a novelty detector. So the more that we help ourselves look out at the world through beginner's mind, Zen mind, beginner's mind. You may have heard that phrase. Don't know mind, through the eyes of a child. Exploring different aspects of an experience that we want to internalize. Helping it be fresh or novel. We’re just coming back to something that might seem kind of same old same old, like gratitude, or a sense of accomplishment when getting a test done. Try to look at it in a fresh way. Your sense of the novelty of it, the newness of it will increase its internalization. 

And then the fifth factor of enriching is personal relevance, salience. We remember. And here I want to emphasize, I'm not really talking so much about what’s called episodic memory or explicit memory for particular events. Like that time you looked out at the sunset, holding the hands of someone you loved, let's say. That's great. But what I'm really talking about is the vast bulk of who we are. In fact, we are memory broadly defined. What we acquire in terms of who we become, which is called implicit memory. The felt sense, the lived residues of experiences. For example, the feelings you had when you are standing there looking at that sunset holding the hand of someone you love, right? 

Why is something relevant to us? That’s the fifth factor. Why is it personally meaningful? Like me, I’m telling my story briefly. I grew up shy, dorky, etc. So later in life I deliberately really started looking for and taking in genuine experiences of feeling respected and included, because that was in short supply when I was a kid. And so those experiences were and are personally relevant to me. And by recognizing their relevance, their salience, that increases the registration in physical changes in the brain. 

So those are five factors of enriching, right? And by the way, on my website, rickhanson.net, these points are freely offered in a whole variety of ways and people can learn a lot more including the underlying science of all this. And then in terms of absorbing, in effect, we help the inner recorder become more sensitized to, more receptive to. The song that’s playing in the inner iPod that we've really enriched. 

So, three factors of absorbing. First, intention. Intend to be changed a little by the experience. Be brave enough to be changed a little for the better. It’s kind of like saying to yourself, “My boss rarely praises anybody. He said something nice to me today. This one's a keeper. I really want to let this sucker sink in.” Or you realize with another person, “Wow! I recognize a whole new way to be skillful with certain kinds of people.” Maybe with people who’ve had a really different life history than I've had? Maybe whose skin is a really different color? Wow! I want to really register this. I want to help myself shift in the way I am in this particular area. So I'm going to intend it, right? Intention. 

Next factor of absorbing. I'm on to number seven in my list of eight total, right? Fear not. I’ll be done in a second. Is to sense that you're receiving the experience into yourself. This is kind of intuitive and subtle, but it’s the feeling of like a warmth spreading inside your body. You kind of feel like a sponge the experience is going into. You can even get a sense of receiving the experience into places inside that have been longing for it. Maybe they didn't get enough of it while growing up, or in your last job, or in your last relationship, or places inside that are hurting, that are wounded, that the experience is a soothing balm for. Maybe places inside that have felt rejected, or dismissed, or devalued, put down by others and they’re off to the side, but still they’re hurting. 

And so the experience that you're having today, let's say, of being included with a group of friends who dig you, and you have fun together. Maybe it's on Zoom these days, or who knows, or with social distancing. But it’s a good experience. It can feel like a soothing balm that's being received into these hurting places inside, sometimes very young places inside. That's the second of three aspects of absorbing, sensing that you're receiving it into yourself. 

And then last, really cool and useful, focus on what is rewarding about it. What is either enjoyable, or meaningful, or both. If we highlight the reward value of our experiences, that increases the activity of dopamine and norepinephrine in the brain, especially in the hippocampus, one of the key parts of the brain that's very much the frontend of who we are becoming. It's a major center of learning and memory in the broadest sense, the hippocampus is. 

So as we focus on what feels good about and experience we’re having, what’s meaningful about it as well, that increases dopamine and norepinephrine activity in the hippocampus, which flags the experience that the time is a keeper for protection during consolidation into long-term storage. That’s it. 

That way I had put it really simply, it's a little bit like a fire. So, step one, have a beneficial experience, either because you notice when you're already having or you skillfully create one for yourself. Now you've ignited the fire or notice that you have a fire. There is fire, right? Then you shift into enriching. You protect the fire. You don't let somebody put it out. You add logs to it. You keep it burning brightly for a long period of time. You enrich the fire. And then in absorbing, “Ahh!” you receive the warmth of the fire into yourself again and again and again. 

[00:32:26] MB: What an amazing treasure trove of insights. I mean, this is one of the things that personally I've struggled with for a long time is navigating the gulf between something that you know intellectually and something that you know as felt experience. This to me is the perfect roadmap to truly take experiences and actually internalize them into your mind, into your body, into the physical structure of your brain, literally. It's such a fascinating concept as a whole. But this is a really, really practical guidebook, and it's so, so insightful. 

[00:33:02] RH: I'm really glad you appreciate that, Matt. For me, it relates to self-reliance, autonomy and competence. These fundamental old-school values, right? I mean, I’m a therapist. I live in California. I’m a meditator. I've encountered a fair amount of woo-woo stuff. And, hey, if you dig that stuff, that's cool, whatever. But wow! What we’re talking about is basically the fundamental process of becoming a super learner, of steepening your growth curve. If you think about it from a business standpoint, what's your return on investment, right? You're having experiences. That’s your investment. In effect, what's your interest rate? What's the return on investment? What’s your ROI on the experiences you're actually having in terms of their lasting beneficial impact and being able to grow as much as you can interaction-by-interaction with other people, breath-by-breath, day after day, gives you a feeling of confidence. It gives you the feeling that you are the captain of your own ship. You can't control whether the tide is rising or falling. You can’t. You can't control. Whether there's a big storm offshore that’s moving in. You can't always control what the other people onboard are doing. But boy, you sure can control your own hand on the tiller. And now you direct your personal ship through your life. And that gives you a feeling of inner peace. You know you're doing what you can. You're taking responsibility for using the power that you do have, while at the same time being at peace about so many other things because they’re just out of your hands. 

[00:34:44] MB: What were those values you shared a minute ago? You just touched on kind of this notion of self-reliance, but share those with me again. I thought that was really interesting.

[00:34:51] RH: Yeah. To be truly self-reliant in a world around us, we need to be competent and we need to be autonomous. We need to be capable in all variety of ways whatever our situation might be. And we need to be able to direct ourselves. We’re related with others, but the foundation of intimacy with others is personal autonomy, because if you don't have a sense of being grounded and your own person, you can't afford to really, really open up to other people, because you’ll get swallowed up by them, or overwhelmed by them, or manipulated and controlled by them. 

So if you think about it, whether it's in business or in good old-fashioned culture, being self-directed and becoming capable, becoming increasingly skillful, and therefore becoming increasingly self-reliant is a very fundamental old-fashioned value. We could say it's an American value, but it’s actually a universal value worldwide to become more self-reliant, which involves and requires autonomy and competence. 

Well, to be competent, to be skillful, to be capable in a whole variety of ways, including interpersonal intelligence, interpersonal competence, as well as intrapersonal competence, being competent, being skillful with your own thoughts and feelings. Being able to acquire those competencies is a matter of learning, right? Other than was baked into your DNA at the moment of conception. And I’ll spare you the visual on that, right? 

Anyway, we become competent through learning very broadly, including social competence, emotional competence, spiritual competence, whatever you actually care about. Becoming more competent as a partner, as a parent, as a business owner, as a friend. So we become competent through learning. Therefore, getting good at learning is the most important competency of all, and it’s the foundation of everything else. 

[00:36:55] MB: I couldn't agree more. And in many ways, this show itself, the whole project, started out of that same idea, that learning is the meta-skill. 

[00:37:04] RH: Yes. Exactly right. 

[00:37:05] MB: Things you can do. 

[00:37:07] RH: If I could say one more thing too. If you just sort of ask people two useful questions for people. One way of us asking it is when you look at the challenges in your life outside you, business challenges, relationship challenges, how to get through a plague. That's clearly going to be present here in America for all kinds of reasons, probably another year or so. Certainly, the consequences of it will be with us for a while. If you look at challenges inside yourself, maybe your prone to self-criticism that’s destructive, or you’ve got some addictive desires, or you fill awkward at public speaking. You're kind of nervous about sticking your head above the weeds. Because when you were young, you got cut off when you did. Whatever it might be., given your challenges, what if it were more present in your mind, in your being, in your heart, in you. What if you were more present inside you would really help? 

That takes you to identifying the psychological resources. The inner strengths, let's call them. They would really help these days. Let’s say if you’re shy and it's hard for you to stick your neck out or gets in the way of working with other people. You could help yourself build up more, let's say, confidence, in a variety. Including, for example, feeling more cared about by other people and really internalizing the feeling of being cared about by other people, or also internalizing, let's say, greater courage. Greater capacity to tolerate fear without shutting down and maintaining a cool head even when you're scared and keeping on going. Something I learned slowly but surely as a rock climber, for example. So these are examples of working backwards from a challenge to identifying the psychological resources, the inner strength that would be really good to grow these days. That's a really useful way to think about this.

And then, every day, gives you opportunities to have an experience of that inner strength you're trying to grow, or a related factor. And then when you’re having a sense of it at all, when that song is playing at all on the inner iPod, slow down. Turn on the recorder and use one of those eight factors or a combination of them to register that beneficial experience as a lasting change in your brain. That's one thing. 

The other thing is to really ask ourselves what we want to feel in this life. It’s a long and twisty road. It’s sort of amazing gift to have a human life. Here we are, the result of 3-1/2 billion years of biological evolution on this planet. 300,000 years is anatomically modern humans. Where I sit on another 2 million years of tool manufacturing commented ancestors. Wow! Here we are today. What kind of life do you want to have? We can ask ourselves, right? What do you want to feel? What do you want the mood of what it's like to be you to be in terms of inner peace, contentment, self-worth, fulfillment, satisfaction, joie de vivre, hope, optimism, some fundamental sense of understanding and peacefulness regarding deep existential questions of what's the personal meaning of your life? Coming to terms with inevitable death, death of others, loss, da-da. What do you want to feel inside? And therefore, how can you gradually grow that over time? And it's the same process of learning. 

If you want to feel more peaceful, have more experiences of peacefulness that you internalize. If you want to feel more confident, more content. Have more experiences of confidence and contentment that you internalize again and again and again. 

[00:40:56] MB: I almost don't even know what to say. It's such a great insight. I mean, you’re fundamentally hitting at some of the most, if not the most important questions of our lives. And it's amazing how easy it is to go through life without ever stopping to ask some of these questions. And yet until you ask them, you can't start being reliant on yourself. You can't start having a self-directed path and journey to living and experiencing the life moment-to-moment basis that you want to be experiencing. 

[00:41:34] RH: You nailed it there. Totally true. One of the things, whether it's in business or sports – I recently watched the documentary about Michael Jordan, for example.

[00:41:43] MB: Oh, that’s on my list. 

[00:41:44] RH: Yeah. You totally want to see it. Is really wild. It’s so interesting. It’s so many levels, including a kind of a case study and how not to run an organization. You'll see for yourself. Anyway, whatever it is that we want to be more like, study the people who’ve made that their life's work, who’ve gotten really good at it, right? And so one of the things that I've tried to do in my book, Neurodharma, which has a kind of odd title, but it's not a religious book. It's actually a deeply, practical, scientifically-based book and how to cultivate seven qualities inside ourselves that we find in enlightened beings, which are about as far as you can go in human development. 

So one of those beings I’m going to quote here is Milarepa. He was a Tibetan sage. He lived probably about a thousand years ago. He was one of the early Buddhist teachers in Tibet as Buddhism kind of moved north out of India starting 2000 or so years ago. And he was describing his own life. And he did so in three sentences that I think summarize the general process of growth. And you can apply it to any particular thing you're trying to develop in yourself, or you can apply it to your life altogether. And this is someone who arguably was enlightened himself. I mean, a real adept who, by the way, was not calling upon supernatural or higher powers, but who through his own effort, his own practice was able to develop. So he said, “In the beginning, nothing came.” Describing his life. “In the beginning, nothing came. In the middle, nothing stayed. And in the end, nothing left.” That's the processor of growth. 

In the beginning, we try to experience things. Let's say more confidence about sticking our neck out. And we know we auto experience it. We know we want to feel it, but we don't fill it. You know what I mean? Okay. Or for example, we want to want to exercise, but we don't really want to exercise. 

[00:43:45] MB: Yup. Exactly. 

[00:43:47] RH: Yeah, I can relate to that one. But now I actually have gotten better about that. I tell myself actually I want to exercise, and then exercise. But anyway, so it just doesn't come. It’s like trying to light a fire with wet wood going back to my metaphor of the fire. 

In the middle, you can experience it. Maybe when you're watching the TED Talk, or reading the book, or listening to the podcast, or talking to your therapist, or hanging out with your friend. In the moment, you experience it. But it doesn't stay, right? It's a state, but it’s not yet a trait. But then in the end, whether it's any particular thing you're trying to help to establish inside yourself and make it a habit, a new, in effect, habit of your heart. By the end, nothing leaves. It's there. You’re cooked. You’re baked. It’s present in you forever. That's the fundamental process, isn’t it? In the beginning, nothing comes. In the middle, nothing stays. In the end, nothing leaves. And that's incredibly hopeful. But, still, we’ve got to do the work ourselves. 

[00:44:46] MB: So for somebody who's been listening this conversation and they want to start to do the work, they want to take one step, one action item to put into practice something that we’ve talked about today, what would be one piece of homework that you would give them to begin that journey?

[00:45:01] RH: I would give people what I call the five-minute challenge, and it actually probably takes less than five minutes. And it'll totally change your day, five minutes, I guarantee you. It will change your day. And if you do it a few days in a row, you will start to feel the difference. 

First, as you go through your day, slow down for good experiences. Just slow down half a dozen times a day. Five seconds here, 20 seconds there. You make that cup of coffee. Slow down to actually taste it. You’re hanging out with your friend Matt or someone. Matt smiles, slow down. Hang out. Why not? Not a big deal. 

And one thing about it too is that it's totally private. Nobody needs to know that inside yourself you’re like, “Ah! This feels good. This feels right. I'm taking it in.” Outside you look like you’re at business, you're in a meeting. They have no idea what you're doing inside your own mind, okay? Slow down a handful of times every day. Make it part of your mission. You could even keep a little count just to make sure you do it at least a few times a day. That takes about a minute a day. 

Second, know one thing in particular that you're developing inside yourself these days. One attitude, one point of view, one shift of mood, faster, letting go of being irritated, less anger, more patience, whatever, one thing. What's one thing that you're really zeroed-in on developing in yourself? And therefore, it gives you kind of a compass bearing. It becomes your North Star every day. It's the prize you keep your eyes on, whatever it might be. It's okay to have two or three. But for sure, have one thing you're deliberately trying to grow these days by, in the two-step process, having experiences of it or some factor of it. That than you slow down to receive into yourself to gradually become increasingly that way. That's the second thing. That will take another maybe a minute a day. 

And then, for sure, every day, for a minute or more, do what I call marinating in deep green. What I mean by that is the green zone of our natural resting state as animals. As animals, our natural biological resting state when we experience a sufficiency of needs met in the moment and enoughness of fundamental needs met in the moment. And we have three fundamental biological needs for safety, satisfaction and connection, broadly defined. Satisfaction, whether it's just eating food, or feeling accomplished, or grateful, or glad and connected, ranging from sex all the way to subtleties of a sense of camaraderie with other people. Three basic needs, safety, satisfaction connection. 

Slow down, and probably you could do it meditatively. You could do it while you're walking the dog. You could do it while you’re just hanging out with a cup of tea, or the last couple minutes before your head hits the pillow. Slow down to let your body calm down. Come into a sense of peacefulness and calm. Slow down and come into a sense of gratitude and contentment in the moment. It’s okay to want more, but on the basis of contentment already. And slow down to feel cared about and caring. Loved and loving, connected. Slow down, whatever is authentic. 

And then when you're kind of rested in that basic sense of well-being characterized with a general blend of peacefulness, contentment and love, however you experience it. Hang out there for a minute, or two, or three in a row. That will reset the stress chemistry in your body. It will start to teach you what your home base is. This is our natural home base. But so many of us experience a kind of chronic and or homelessness of mild to moderate chronic stress that in which we’re just not in touch with our natural resting state. We don't feel our needs are met enough in the moment even if objectively, biologically, they basically are. We don't feel it. Okay? 

So those three, right there. You wander through your day, half a dozen times or so, take in the good. Second, know one strength in particular, one muscle, one mental muscle broadly that you’re trying to grow these days. Zero-in on that. Let that be the prize. Keep your eyes on that personal prize. And third, come home for a minute or two or three at least every day. Come home to your deep nature and rest in deep green, peace, contentment and love.

[00:49:28] MB: And Rick, where can people find you, your work, your latest book, etc., online?

[00:49:33] RH: Oh, thank you. Best places my website, rickhanson.net But I'm pretty present on social media of various kinds, Instagram, Facebook. I’m out there. But I think if people just Google my names, they’re going to find me. And one thing I could add if I could here, Matt, is that, in addition, tons of freely offered resources of all kinds. I really do have some great online programs that are inexpensive. We also have scholarships for people in genuine financial need. And these are well-structured, well-organize programs that range from just one minute, like literally things that are about a minute and a half long that you can do to change yourself, to other kinds of programs that, for example, are more developed, and you can take part time with them. But I would just suggest people to check those out. 

[00:50:21] MB: Well, Rick, thank you so much for coming on the show. This has been an incredible conversation. So many insights about learning about growth, about how the brain and the neurochemistry of the brain really functions, and how we can harness it all to live lives of happiness and productivity. I mean, our first conversation was incredible. This was even better. I really appreciate you coming back on the show, rick. Thank you so much for a fantastic interview.

[00:50:47] RH: Oh, it’s a pleasure. And thank you, Matt. You may not realize it. I just want to thank you for your service broadly. What you're doing is serving people and helping them. So tip of the hat to you for sure. 

[END OF INTERVIEW] 

[00:51:00] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you, our listeners, master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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Don't forget, if you want to get all the incredible information we talked about in the show, links transcripts, everything we discussed and much more, be sure to check out our show notes. You can get those at successpodcast.com, just hit the show notes button right at the top. 

Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.

August 20, 2020 /Lace Gilger
Creativity & Memory, Mind Expansion, Emotional Intelligence
Dr. Tasha Eurich-03.png

You Aren’t Actually Self-Aware with Tasha Eurich

May 21, 2020 by Lace Gilger in Emotional Intelligence

In this episode, we tell the truth about self-awareness. 95% of people think they are self-aware but only 10% actually are. Where do you think you stand and what can you do to improve what our guest calls the superpower of the 21st century? All this and more with our guest Dr. Tasha Eurich.

Dr. Tasha Eurich is an organizational psychologist, executive coach, researcher, and New York Times Bestselling author. She is the New York Times Bestselling author of Bankable Leadership and INSIGHT. Her TED talk has been viewed over one million times and her work has been featured in Business Insider, Forbes, The New York Times, and many more! In 2019, she was named one of the top 30 emerging management thinkers in the world by Thinkers50, as well as the #1 self-awareness coach in the world by Marshall Goldsmith.

  • One of the BIGGEST conclusions of self-awareness research - 95% of people believe they are self-aware, but only 10-15% of people actually are self-aware. 

  • Self-awareness is extremely learnable and can be developed. 

  • What does it actually mean to be self-aware? What does science say about self-awareness?

  • One of the largest meta-studies ever conducted on self-awareness - reviewing and compiling over 1000 studies - here are the definitive elements of self-awareness.

  • Self-awareness is the “will and skill” to see yourself clearly. 

  • There are two types of self-awareness that are completely independent. 

    • Internal self-awareness - understanding yourself from the insight out. Behavior patterns, strengths & weaknesses, etc. 

    • External self-awareness - self-awareness from the outside in. Understanding how people see us.

  • While it may seem like these two things coexist, the research shows that there is actually no relationship. 

  • Having one type of self-awareness and not the other can have some serious risks. 

  • It doesn’t take as much time as you think to see yourself clearly.

  • Scientific data demonstrates that people with self-awareness are:

    • Better communicators

    • More confident

    • More likely to be promoted

    • Better parents

    • Less likely to lie, cheat, or steal

    • Happier in their personal and work relationships 

    • More likely to outperform at work

    • Companies that are lead by self-aware leaders are more profitable

    • Organizations with larger numbers of self-aware employees have better shareholder returns 

  • One of the biggest misconceptions of self-awareness is that it is not a “soft skill” that you should focus on in your extra time.. its something that is paramount to your success in everything else. 

  • You can only be as good at the most important skills in the 21st century as you are self-aware. Your level of self-awareness sets the upper limit for your success in almost every area of your career and your life. 

  • Most people don’t spend a lot of time and energy improving their self-awareness. 

  • Self-awareness is one of the most powerful tools to help successful people become even more successful. 

  • If you’re a leader, ask yourself: how confident are you in the way that your team sees you?

  • What are some of the counterproductive strategies for improving your self-awareness?

  • Introspection is not always the most effective path to self-awareness.

  • It’s not that introspection is a bad path, it’s that we often make mistakes when we are introspecting. 

  • Why asking WHY may not be the most important question to become more self-aware. 

  • No matter how hard we try we actually can’t access a lot of our thoughts, feelings, and motives. 

  • You get in a fight with an important person in your life and you ask yourself “why am I so upset right now?”... It's the wrong question to ask. 

  • We find an answer that feels true but is often completely wrong. We are just as confident about the answer as we are wrong. 

  • Why questions tend to set off a ruminative spiral of thinking. Single-minded fixation on our fears, shortcomings, the bad things that happen to us, etc which often turns off the rational processing portion of your brain. 

  • WHY questions can be misleading and dangerous for mental health and wellbeing. 

  • Changing WHY questions into WHAT questions gives better answers, increases self-awareness and makes us happier. 

  • Instead of asking “why didn’t I get that promotion” ask:

    • What can I do differently next time?

    • What can I learn from this experience?

    • What is the feedback I can get from this?

  • Research lessons from 50 “Self-awareness unicorns” who went from a total lack of self-awareness to becoming highly self-aware. 

  • What were those 50 people doing differently?

  • Good “WHAT” questions to ask yourself to improve your self-awareness:

    • “What are my patterns when I encounter this situation?"

    • "What can I do differently?"

    • Instead of asking “why didn’t I close this sale” ask “what haven’t I tried yet?"

    • When you have a good or bad performance “What’s different today than it was before?"

  • You don’t have to practice meditation to get all the benefits of mindfulness (through meditation has tremendous scientific benefits). 

  • 2x2 Matrix

    • "Seekers" Low Internal / Low External 

      • If you’re in this bucket, pick one type of self-awareness to start with. Focus on one development goal at a time. 

    • “Introspectors” High Internal / Low External

      • Really into journaling, meditation, personal development. 

      • Because they lack external self-awareness, they are like a walking time bomb… they develop a false sense of knowledge without an external feedback loop… because they don’t understand how others perceive and interact with them. 

      • They need to take proactive control of learning how they are seen. “How do the 30 most important people in your life see you?"

      • You have 2 choices:

        • Blissful Ignorance

        • Knowing the Truth

    • “Pleasers” High External / Low Internal 

      • Putting the way other people see you ahead of your own sense of happiness and meaning. 

      • Like a chameleon. Develop an internal sense of what your values are, who you are, what you want. 

    • “Self-awareness unicorns” High external/high internal

      • Most committed and most focused on their self-awareness journey. 

      • Daily practice or habit of trying to build incremental insight into yourself and how you are seen

      • No matter what you already know, there is almost an infinite amount you can learn. 

      • You’re never done with self-awareness, there is always more to learn. 

  • How do you avoid feedback platitudes? What are the best tools for 

  • Most unicorns are surprisingly picky about who they regularly seek feedback from. The people they chose had the following characteristics in common:

    • A feedback giver, without question, has your best interest at heart. An intuitive sense that this person wants you to succeed. 

    • That person would be willing to be brutally honest about how you are showing up. 

  • You need to find “loving critics” not “uncritical lovers."

    • You need to develop a roster of 3-5 loving critics that you go to frequently. 

    • Set up a cadence that’s workable for you to check in with them. 

    • Find a regular opportunity to check-in. 

  • Feedback can often come from people who are threatened by you, have their own issues - be very wary of feedback from these kinds of people. 

  • How much visibility does the loving critic need into your life, daily activities, work, etc?

    • You want the loving critic to have domain-specific expertise for the feedback they give you as well. 

    • They need some level of subject matter expertise (usually)

  • What kind of targeted questions you should ask your loving critic?

    • Often you don’t want to ask too open-ended of a question

    • Ask specific questions around your goals or specific activities you want to improve on

    • Confine your asks for feedback to specific goals and activities

    • Is there anything else you’ve observed that I wh

  • Homework: Ask yourself “How self-aware am I?” - get some type of baseline on your self-awareness. 

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Want To Dig In More?! - Here’s The Show Notes, Links, & Research

General

  • Tasha’s Website

  • Tasha’s LinkedIn, Twitter, and Facebook

Media

  • Muchrack Profile - Tasha Eurich

  • QAspire - “Leadership and Self-Awareness: Insights from Tasha Eurich Part 1” by Tanmay Vora

  • NIH Record - “Eurich Explores Why Self-Awareness Matters” By Dana Talesnik

  • HBR - “Why Self-Awareness Isn’t Doing More to Help Women’s Careers” by Tasha Eurich

    • “Working with People Who Aren’t Self-Aware” by Tasha Eurich

    • “The Right Way to Respond to Negative Feedback” by Tasha Eurich

    • “What Self-Awareness Really Is (and How to Cultivate It)” by Tasha Eurich

  • Medium - “Become a better leader through self-awareness — 2018 study” by Brand Minds

  • Article Directory at Quartz and HuffPost

  • [Podcast] Good Living - BANKABLE LEADERSHIP AND INSIGHT with our guest: TASHA EURICH

  • [Podcast] The Learning Leader - Episode 204: Dr. Tasha Eurich – How To Become More Self-Aware

  • [Podcast] The Gartner Talent Angle - Spotlight 15: Self-awareness, Self-Delusion & Empathy with Dr. Tasha Eurich

  • [Podcast] Jacob Morgan - The Truth About Self-Awareness From New York Times Bestselling Author Dr. Tasha Eurich

Videos

  • Tasha’s YouTube Channel

  • Time Management and Productivity - Insight Book Review | Tasha Eurich | How To Raise Self Awareness

  • Top Business Leaders Podcast with Dan Janal - TBL #023 - Dr. Tasha Eurich, Author of Insight: The Surprising Truth…

  • TEDxTalks - Increase your self-awareness with one simple fix | Tasha Eurich | TEDxMileHigh

  • Signature Views - 3 strategies for becoming more self-aware | Tasha Eurich

  • Selling Made Simple / Salesman.org - The Science Of Self Awareness (And How It Leads To Sales Success) With Dr. Tasha Eurich

Books

  • Insight: The Surprising Truth About How Others See Us, How We See Ourselves, and Why the Answers Matter More Than We Think by Tasha Eurich

    • Insight Book Quiz

  • Bankable Leadership : Happy People, Bottom-Line Results, and the Power to Deliver Both by Tasha Eurich

Misc

  • [SOS Episode] Evidence Reveals The Most Important Skill of the 21st Century with Dr. Tasha Eurich

Episode Transcript

[00:00:04.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[0:00:11.8] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success; the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the Internet with more than five million downloads and listeners in over a hundred countries.

In this episode, we tell the truth about self-awareness. 95% of people think they’re self-aware, but only 10% to 15% actually are. Where do you think you stand and what can you do to improve what our guest calls the superpower of the 21st century? All of this and more with our guest, Dr. Tasha Eurich.

Are you a fan of the show and have you been enjoying the content that we put together for you? If you have, I would love it if you signed up for our e-mail list. We have some amazing content on there, along with a really great free course that we put a ton of time into called How To Create Time for What Matters Most In Your Life. If that sounds exciting and interesting and you want a bunch of other free goodies and giveaways along with that, just go to successpodcast.com. You can sign up right on the homepage. That’s successpodcast.com. Or if you’re on your phone right now, all you have to do is text the word smarter, that’s S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44-222.

In our previous episode, we shared how you can feel bold, powerful, confident and alive and get the motivation you need to finally take action and make your goals and dreams a reality. Learn to believe in yourself with our previous guest, Evan Carmichael.

Now for our interview with Tasha.

[0:01:45.0] MB: Dr. Tasha Eurich is an organizational psychologist, executive coach, researcher and New York Times bestselling author. She's the New York Times bestselling author of Bankable Leadership and Insight. Her TED Talk has been viewed over a million times and her work has been featured on Business Insider, Forbes, New York Times and many more media outlets. In 2019, she was named one of the top 30 emerging management thinkers in the world by Thinkers50 and as the number one self-awareness coach in the world by Marshall Goldsmith.

Tasha, welcome back to the Science of Success.

[0:02:19.0] TE: It's great to be back. Thanks.

[0:02:20.4] MB: Well, we're so excited to have you back on the show. The reason we wanted to have you on originally was because self-awareness has been and really continues to be one of the biggest recurrent themes on the show and how important self-awareness is to really achieving any goal, or any skill that you have in your life. You've done so much great work around self-awareness that we felt we wanted to bring you back on and go even deeper into that topic.

[0:02:45.1] TE: Happy to oblige.

[0:02:46.3] MB: Awesome. Well, I'd love to start out with one of the biggest insights that I've had from your work, also ironically, the title the book, this idea that most people think that they are self-aware, but actually a very small fraction of people actually are self-aware. Tell me about that.

[0:03:02.9] TE: This was one of the probably least surprising elements of our research program that's now been going on for six or so years, was we discovered that about 95% of people believe that they're self-aware, but only about 10% to 15% of us actually are. The joke I always make about this is that on a good day, 80% of us are lying to ourselves about whether we're lying to ourselves. Now this is really important, right? It's easy to look at that statistic, or hear it and say, we're all doomed to live in a delusional world forever and ever.

The other thing that's been just abundantly clear in all of our empirical research on the subject is just how learnable and developable self-awareness really is. There's a lot of paradoxes around it. There's a lot of surprises we found about the right and the wrong ways to become self-aware. But ultimately, I feel like this is a message of hope. Most of us have a lot more work to do than we think. If we are courageous enough and skilled enough and choose the right approach, we can make huge improvements and therefore, improve pretty much every area of our lives.

[0:04:14.4] MB: What does it actually mean to be self-aware?

[0:04:17.8] TE: Oh, that's such a good question. I thought naively when we first started this program, I built a research team from academic institutions, a lot of graduate students, professors. I thought, well, the first thing we have to do is define self-awareness. It's a term that a lot of people throw around. We sometimes throw it around in the reverse like, “Wow, that person is not very self-aware.”

What we wanted to do was not just think about the way we're talking about it a mainstream business aspect, but what does the science say? We reviewed, by the end of our program, we reviewed almost a thousand empirical journal articles, so nobody else had to. We found just such a variety of different ways of defining it. Again, to vastly oversimplify it, what we tried to do was come up with what are the most important elements of self-awareness. If somebody wants to build their self-awareness empirically, what do they need to focus on?

What came out of that was essentially, two types of self-awareness that are completely independent, which gets really interesting and I'll come back to that. If we define self-awareness, it's basically that will and skill to see ourselves clearly. Then if you delve one more step to that in terms of detail, you come up with two different types of self-knowledge. The first is something we named internal self-awareness, which is essentially understanding yourself from the inside out. It's knowing who you are, what are your values, what are your passions and aspirations, what are the patterns of behavior, what are your strengths and weaknesses?

Equally important and again, independent is our knowledge of something called external self-awareness, which is self-awareness from the outside in. In other words, understanding how other people see us. My initial thought when we first discovered these two types of self-awareness, again, before we started collecting a lot of data on them was they would tend to co-exist. If somebody knew who they were on the inside, they would also be more likely to know how other people saw them and vice versa.

We found that they really had no relationship. What what that means practically for all of us is we have to be on the simultaneous journey of both, of doing that work internally. Again, the good news that we discovered was it doesn't take as much time as psychoanalysts would want us to think good to see ourselves clearly, but we also have to do that work to get constant feedback from the right people in the right way and sometimes live with the paradox of knowing that the way we see ourselves is not the same as the way other people see us and that's okay. There's a lot to that, but those are the two main types of self-awareness.

[0:06:57.9] MB: I really like both of those categories. I'm curious to explore each of them, what are some of the benefits of being internally self-aware and then what are some of the benefits of being externally self-aware?

[0:07:10.4] TE: When we looked at self-awareness, we were usually aggregating. In order to consider someone self-aware, they had to be high in both. That's a really important thing to mention is that having won in the absence of the other, sometimes can come along with some risks. Maybe we can come back to that, but I can talk about the benefits of self-awareness just in general. I could literally sit here for the whole podcast and rattle off outcomes, but I think for your audience, here's a couple of things that might be especially compelling.

We and others have found that people who are self-aware are better performers at work, objectively. They are more promotable. They're better communicators. They're better influencers. They're more confident. They're less likely to lie, cheat and steal. They are better parents, who raise more mature and less narcissistic children. They're even more happy in their personal relationships, as well as their work relationships. They have deeper, more trusting connections with other people.

There's even some evidence and I find this really fascinating and feels very important to me, that companies who are led by self-aware leaders are actually more profitable. There's also some evidence that organizations that are made up of large numbers of self-aware employees have actually better shareholder returns.

One of the interesting things, if I'm at a cocktail party and somebody finds out I'm a self-awareness researcher and organizational psychologist as they say, “Oh, yes. You help people with those soft skills.” I actually think that's one of the biggest misconceptions of self-awareness in particular is that this isn't something that we should work around if we have time, or this shouldn't be something that we focus on when all of our – the things on our to-do list are finished. It's really critical to our success and our happiness in all parts of our lives.

[0:09:03.4] MB: That's such a great point. I love the examples of how it increases shareholder returns and company profitability, because to me, having done this podcast for years and years at this point and really experienced the benefits of self-awareness in my own life, it's really frustrating when I interact with people sometimes and they have that exact same reaction, which is, “Oh, yeah. That's one of those soft skills. It's not that important. I really need to focus on something else first.” It's like, well really, self-awareness underpins pretty much everything else.

[0:09:36.2] TE: That is a hugely important point too, is we can only be as successful at the other critical skills of the 21st century as we are self-aware. Think about this, have you ever met someone who is an excellent influencer, who is not also self-aware? Or an excellent leader, who's not also self-aware? Or an excellent communicator, who's not self-aware? The way to think about this is that our level of self-awareness is essentially going to set the upper limit for our success in almost every other area of our careers in our lives. That's why I call it the meta skill.

The beauty of this is most people, as we'll talk about, don't spend a lot of time and energy improving their self-awareness. The people that are courageous and again, smart enough to do that are going to have a leg up.

[0:10:29.1] MB: The people who don't dedicate the time and energy to improving their self-awareness, do you think that it's a lack of knowledge that they even aren't self-aware, or do you think it's a lack of tools and abilities that they can use to improve their self-awareness?

[0:10:44.2] TE: I think sometimes, it can be a little bit of both. One of the things I love to do in my work is help already successful executives become even more successful. When I come in to coach a CEO for example, I'll say things like, “Okay, so how confident are you that you know how your team sees you?” They’ll say, “Oh, I feel very confident.” I say, “Okay. Well, what do you think they're going to say about you?” We go through this whole process.

Then when I actually start to do this qualitative 360, I speak to 30 people, not just they work with, but their spouse, their adult kids, if they have adult kids, their friends and I get this really complete picture of who the person is that they know. When I come back to them and say, here's what we learned, there are often a lot of positive surprises, often quite a few negative surprises.

What I hear people say is like, I really thought I knew the answers to this. Often, it's not even for a lack of trying. It's that they're busy, or they don't see how central this is to their success. That's where I think again, we have all these empirically developed tools that I've been using in my coaching practice, with CEOs who can't fail for so many number of years that we can do it. Part of it is knowing how important it is and then another piece of it is using the right tools. That's another thing I think there's a lot of commonly accepted paths to self-awareness that are sometimes doing us more harm than good.

[0:12:16.8] MB: Tell me about some of those paths that may be counterproductive.

[0:12:21.7] TE: The biggest one, and I think for me personally when I learned this, the one that turned my life upside down a little bit was this idea that introspection is not the universal path to self-awareness. Introspection is deeply analyzing our thoughts and our feelings and our motives. Very early on in our research program, one of the first mini studies I did was I surveyed about 300 people on how much time they spent introspecting. Literally, how much time every week, or every month. Then I looked at outcomes like, did they feel in control of their lives? Were they happy? Were they depressed or anxious? Did they have positive personal and professional relationships? We also looked at their level of self-awareness.

The pretty shocking and disconcerting finding was that not only did people who spent a lot of time introspecting, tend to be less self-aware, they tended to be more stressed, more anxious, more depressed, less happy with their lives, less in control of their lives. At first, I thought I had done all these analyses wrong, and so I just kept doing them over and over. I said, “No, this is what's going on.” This is why I think it's so hugely important to actually use science to understand a lot of these pop business terms.

It took us down this path of figuring out what's really going on here. As we discovered, thankfully, it's not that introspection in and of itself is wrong, or unproductive for self-awareness. It's that a lot of us make mistakes in the way we introspect, that essentially stuck out all of the insight from the experience. The best way to illustrate this and again, we could do a whole podcast on just this, but to keep it simple, is I think a very common introspective question that people ask themselves is why, especially if something bad happens, right? Like, “I didn't get this promotion at work that I thought I was going to get.” You might say, “Why didn't I get this promotion?”

When we asked ourselves why questions, there's two things that happen that are what take us off course. Number one, psychologists have found that despite what Sigmund Freud desperately wanted us to believe, no matter how hard we try, we actually can't access a lot of our thoughts, feelings and motives. Maybe if I have a fight with one of my best employees and I could say like, why am I so upset right now? There's this feeling that if I ask myself that question, I will be able to excavate into my own consciousness, find an answer and that will be the truth.

Again, what psychologists have discovered is that what happens when we ask ourselves those questions is we find an answer that feels true, but is often completely wrong. In this example, maybe I say, “Well, it's because I'm not cut out for management, or it's because my father abandoned me when I was a child and I'm just afraid of confrontation, whatever, whatever you could make up.” Again, we can't access those true feelings. What happens is we are just as confident about the answer as we are wrong. You can start to see how this leads us away from self-awareness.

Going back to the first example, here's the second problem with why questions. Again, “Why didn't I get this promotion?” Why questions tend to set off a ruminative spiral of thinking and rumination is a single-minded fixation on our fears, or shortcomings, or the bad things that happen to us. When we ruminate, it essentially turns off the rational part of our brain. We think we're answering this really important question, “Why didn't I get this promotion?” When we're just getting into this rabbit hole of despair. That's the wrong type of question to ask, why. Why as an introspective question is not only misleading, it can be dangerous for our mental health and well-being.

Again, to vastly over simplify this, what we have found is if we change why questions to what questions, that's when the process of introspection not only gives us good answers and increased self-awareness, but helps us be happy and in control and purpose-driven. Going back to the example of why didn't I get that promotion, a better question might be something like, “Well, what can I do differently next time? Or what can I learn from what didn't go so well from this particular instance, or what's the feedback that I can ask for in order to clarify what went on?” It seems like a small difference, but what we've discovered is that this is one of the most powerful ways you can reframe your introspection to make it actually produce insight.

[0:17:09.9] MB: Such a fascinating topic. That's a really, really important distinction between why questions and what questions. I'd love to hear a little bit more about that, just because it's a topic that's very personally interesting to me. I spend a fair amount of time introspecting, but I also totally agree with your conclusion. The way I think about it is there's a healthy level of introspection and then if you go too far down the path, it's almost like two mirrors reflecting each other, where it's the infinite depth that's not really actually really leading you to any ultimate conclusions.

[0:17:42.6] TE: That's right. I think sometimes for people, what really brings us alive are more examples. This might be a good time to mention, probably my favorite part of our study and our program, was we found 50 people, 5-0, who didn't start out as self-aware, but who made really dramatic, remarkable improvements in their level of self-awareness. To be part of, we call them self-awareness unicorns initially as a joke, but the term stuck. To be part of this group of self-awareness unicorns, you had to clear a lot of hurdles.

They had to have self-ratings of their own self-awareness on our validated 70-item scale that were quite high, someone who knew them well had to also rate them high in that assessment. They had to believe that they had improved their self-awareness throughout the course of their lives and other people who knew them had to agree. There was really a lot of hurdles that had to be cleared, because what we wanted to do is say what are these 50 people doing differently?

When we first found this bizarre results on introspection, I actually turned to our interview transcripts with our self-awareness unicorns. We had hundreds and hundreds of pages of really in-depth, qualitative information about how they made different choices when it came to their self-awareness. It was so fascinating, because I thought it was clear that asking why was the wrong question. What I did was I did a search to see how many times in our transcripts they were asking why. It was less than 150 times.

Then I started thinking, what are the other types of questions we could ask? I did another search for the question for the word what. It came up with almost a thousand results. That was where I started going, “Okay, this is something. This can't just be semantics. If there's that big of a difference between these two types of phrasings of questions, what does it look like?”

Let me give you a couple of examples from our unicorn. One of them was a non-profit director. She was in this situation, she was telling us that she had a new job and she needed to turn around the organization and get back in the black, and so they could continue to exist and serve their mission. Instead of asking something like, “In the past, why have I been so hard driving during change?” She asked a different question. She asked number one, “What are my patterns when it comes to driving change?” Number two, “What can I do differently in this situation?”

Another one was a marketing manager. He overnight had this new boss he was working for. No matter what he did, he couldn't seem to make her happy. Where I think a lot of people in that situation would ask something very well-intentioned question like, “Why are we like oil and water, this new boss and I?” He asked a different question. He said, “What can I do to show her I'm the best person for this job?”

Another one was somebody who was working on closing a sale with a client and just not able to close it. Instead of asking why didn't I close the sale, they asked, “What haven't I tried yet?” In each of these situations, going back to the first one with the non-profit director, she was able to turn around the organization in less than a year and they had a surplus. The marketing manager with the new boss, he went from they couldn't even be in the same room together, to people saying that the two of them were an example of how polar opposite people could work together. Then that third unicorn who couldn't close the sale was able to use this story-based approach, that was the one thing they hadn't tried and they made this huge close sale.

I think for each and every one of us, this is the daily practice that if we can be mindful about it and we can remember to do it, it seems small, but even just personally in my own life what I've learned from our unicorns and all these tools is it makes an unbelievable difference.

[0:21:40.7] MB: Those are great examples. Some of those questions are really helpful. I love the question about what patterns am I falling into when I encounter whatever that situation might be? I think that's a great one that you could use and apply to many different contexts in your life.

[0:21:55.5] TE: Exactly. That's actually a mindfulness technique. One of the things that is often overlooked about mindfulness is that we don't have to practice meditation to get all the benefits of mindfulness. There's a huge amount of benefits to meditating. I try to do it. I fail a lot, but I try. There are other ways that we can mindfully notice things in the present. I call that tool comparing and contrasting.

For example, if you had a great week and then you wake up one day and you are not great, a question that you could ask is what's different today than it was before? Or if you're falling into a similar pattern in a new job, what similarities can I find between this situation and other situations in my life? Yeah, it's a really powerful frame.

[0:22:48.6] AF: This episode of the Science of Success is brought to you once again by our incredible sponsors at Brilliant. Go to www.brilliant.org/scienceofsuccess to learn more. For a limited time, the first 200 of our listeners to sign up get 20% off an annual premium subscription. Brilliant is a math and science learning platform and their mission is to inspire and develop people to achieve their goals in STEM learning. I love it.

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[0:24:15.7] MB: So many great tools. I want to continue to explore some of the other empirically developed tools that you found in the research to improve self-awareness. Before we dig into that, one of the things that you touched on earlier that I think is worth exploring now is this idea that there are some risks, or dangers to having an over-cultivation of one type of self-awareness and not enough of the other. Tell me a little bit about some of those pitfalls.

[0:24:41.9] TE: Yeah, that's great. One of the things that is so cool about having internal and external self-awareness be independent skills is that we, psychologists, can do our favorite thing ever, which is to put them on a two-by-two matrix. This is oversimplifying a little bit, but I think it's really instructive for each and every one of us on our journey to really reap the rewards of being more self-aware.

On the bottom left-hand corner is someone who is low, or less developed on both types of self-awareness, both internal and external. I call these people seekers. Seekers are at the beginning of their journey. It's not again, because they are bad people, or they'll never develop it, sometimes it's a lack of time, it's a lack of understanding of how important self-awareness is. If you're in that category where you say, “I've never really focused on this,” what I recommend to people is to pick one. I know that sounds crazy, because we know we need both, but I'm a big believer in pragmatic personal improvement.

When I work with my CEOs, for example, they're never working on more than one development goal at a time. If you're a seeker, you're at the beginning of your choose-your-own-adventure. You could go either way. What I would recommend is pick whichever one seems most interesting. Would you rather spend some time delving inward, or would you rather spend some time figuring out how people see you and hopefully, improving your relationships in the process? That's one.

Then you get into these really interesting archetypes, where people can be high on one and low on the other. Let's imagine someone who is high on internal self-awareness, but low on external self-awareness. In other words, they really feel like, maybe journaling is a hobby, or they’re really into personal development, or they love to meditate and really explore who they are. They've made some great progress in their internal self-awareness. The challenge with what I call these introspecters is because they're lacking an understanding of how other people see them, or that external self-awareness is in some sense, they're like a walking time bomb.

What happens very often with introspecters is they develop this false sense of confidence of your own self-knowledge, without having that external feedback loop. If somebody's an introspecter, they might again apply for a promotion that they thought they were a shoo-in for and not get it, or they might think they're in a great relationship and their spouse or partner abruptly leaves them.

It's not always that dramatic, right? It can be, but it's not. The challenge is if introspecters don't take proactive control of learning how they're seen, they lose that autonomy and that choice. What I tell my clients, if I'm sitting down to give them their 360 report, it's like, how did the 30 most important people in your life see you? What I always say is you have two choices. One is blissful ignorance and two is knowing the truth.

As comfortable as blissful ignorance feels, you're basically just giving up control. It doesn't mean if you learn how other people see you that you have to become a slave to other people's opinions, or other people's feedback, but you do have to open that channel. That's the challenge for introspecters is really focusing on that feedback. Then if you flip it, this is where it gets just as interesting.

Imagine someone who has a really highly developed sense of how other people see them of external self-awareness, but a less developed sense of who they are on the inside, internal self-awareness. I call these people pleasers. Pleasers, you start to think about an example of a person who is in their freshman year of college and for their entire lives, their parents have been pressuring them to become a doctor. They become a doctor and they hate it. That's a good example of someone who was putting the other people saw them ahead of their own sense of happiness and meaning.

A lot of times, people who are pleasers – I talked to somebody recently who was a pleaser who said, “It's like I'm a chameleon. I change my color for every situation I'm in, but I actually don't even know what color I am.” The journey for pleasers is to build that sense of internal self-awareness of who am I? What are my values? What do I want? What's going to make me happy?

Sometimes, people ask me at this point in the conversation if there are gender differences. We have found a slightly bigger representation of women in the pleaser category, but it's actually not as big as I was thinking we would find. A good first step for anybody is to say, where am I on this spectrum internally and externally? Then what does that mean for how to move forward in a practical, pragmatic way?

[0:29:36.4] MB: That's awesome. Then I'm assuming the fourth quadrant is the self-awareness unicorns for –

[0:29:41.0] TE: That’s it. Yup. The unicorns are the top of the top-right. If you think about this, you want to be in the top-right box. Yeah, exactly. It’s people who are aware and people who experience all of the benefits that we have already mentioned. What I think is really interesting about our unicorns in particular is obviously, they are arguably the most self-aware among us and they were the ones who were the most committed and most focused on their self-awareness journey.

It didn't mean they were spending hours and hours a week on it, but it meant it was this daily practice, or habit where they were trying to build incremental insight, because one of our unicorns was a middle school science teacher. He gave a great analogy of the process of self-awareness as being exploring space. No matter what we already know, there's almost an infinite amount that we still can learn. Just because you cross over into that top box of aware, doesn't mean – 

Sometimes people ask me like, “When am I done?” My answer is never. There's always more to learn. There's always more that can help inform how you can live your best, most meaningful, most successful life.

[0:30:50.7] MB: Such a great point. I definitely feel the self-aware his journey, even if you spend a very long time on it, you're very, very early on in the journey still. There's a couple specific pieces from that that I'd love some quick, almost tactical follow-ups on. One is is there a tool or resource that you recommend to collect external feedback from the people in your lives?

[0:31:15.8] TE: Yes. This is really important, because I think without the empirical backing, it's easy to fall prey to feedback platitudes, right? You read an article and it says, “Get more feedback.” You say, “Okay.” Then you just indiscriminately ask for feedback. What we learned from our unicorns was I think again, very instructive for all of us on our journey, which is that most of our unicorns were surprisingly picky about who they regularly sought feedback from.

When we looked at what these people they chose had in common, there were really two characteristics that I think as you hear these, if you're like me, the first time I discovered this, I said, “Yeah, I know a lot of people who fit one of these criteria, but very few who fit both.” The first criteria is that the unicorn had to believe that a feedback giver without question, had their best interest at heart. This didn't need to mean that that person was their best friend at work, or somebody they were incredibly close to. They just had to have an intuitive sense that this person wants me to succeed.

Number two, at the same time, they had to believe that that person would be willing to be brutally honest about the good, the bad and the ugly of how they were showing up. For that reason, what we named these people were loving critics. I always give the example of it's really easy to get feedback from uncritical lovers. I could send my newsletter that I'm working on to my mom. God bless her. She'll tell me it's the best newsletter I've ever written, but is that going to be helpful for me to get better? Maybe it's good for my confidence, but it's probably not great for my self-awareness.

On the other end are the critical people who don't want us to be successful. A lot of us, I don't know if you've had this experience. Most of us have in a workplace setting, where somebody comes by and says, “Hey, I have some feedback I'd like to give you.” It's like a feedback drive-by, where you're pretty sure they don't actually want you to be successful. This might be more about their issues, their hang-ups, they might see you as a threat. I think we just have to be really careful and disciplined.

Then once you have your loving critics, and by the way, this can be three to five people. That was what most of our unicorns shared is I've got a roster of three to five loving critics that I go to frequently, is to set up some type of cadence that's workable for you to check in with them. I talked about this pretty extensively and insight, but I think that the biggest piece of this is to find a regular opportunity to check in.

For some people, if you say the best I can do is quarterly, fine, but just do it. The worst thing to do in the situation is to say, “Oh, I'm going to overcommit. I'm going to check in with my loving critics for five minutes every month.” Then you don't do it and then all was lost. What I would encourage you to do is experiment with that, but have a conversation with them. Say, “Hey, listen. You or somebody that I've identified as a great supporter of me, for which I'm very grateful. You're someone who maybe even if you haven't given me direct feedback yet, you're somebody that I always see in meetings who's willing to put the truth on the table that no one else is willing to say and I respect that about you. I'm wondering if you might be willing to give me 10 minutes of your time every two months and let me just take you to a quick cup of coffee and I can ask you a few targeted questions that can help me be the best leader I can be,” for example.

I find that that is one of the most powerful ways we can improve our external self-awareness, that again, if you add up the amount of time you're spending is really pretty minimal compared to what you get out of it.

[0:35:11.6] AF: What's going on, everyone? This episode of the Science of Success is brought to you by incredible sponsor, Best Fiends. That's best F-I-E-N-D-S. Just like friends, but without the R. I am absolutely in love with this game. If you're looking for a fun way to pass the time while engaging your brain and enjoying some truly breathtaking visuals and a gripping story, Best Fiends is perfect for you.

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[0:36:38.6] MB: How much visibility does the loving critic need into your life, your daily activities, your work, etc.?

[0:36:45.3] TE: Great question. That's really important. I give the example an insight of my best friend, who is absolutely a loving critic. There are only certain things that make sense for me to get her feedback on. She's a lawyer by trade. Let's say I have my brand-new speaking reel that I just put together and I want to get feedback on it. I could send it to her and she could give me some feedback of just things that occurred to her, but because she's not in that world, it might not be as helpful as another loving critic who is in the speaking business and in the speaking world.

What might be great for me to ask her about is how am I showing up in social situations? How can I be a better friend and a better human? You want to make sure that that person has sufficient exposure to you in that sphere of your life. Then hopefully, some level of subject matter expertise. I'm going to say that's not always the case. I call it the grandmother test. Sometimes, somebody who is totally new to whatever you're doing can spot things that are very valuable that people who are mired in the weeds wouldn't see. I think in general, the more the person we're asking knows about that particular skill, or part of our lives, the better.

[0:38:01.5] MB: Are there any commonalities, or best practices you've found around the kinds of questions to ask your loving critics?

[0:38:09.6] TE: This is an interesting one, because I think it really depends on a lot of factors. Here's the one universal truth. I'll illustrate this with a comical story that happened to a friend of mine in graduate school. It was her first semester working with her advisor. When you're in a PhD program, you work with your advisor and see your advisor more than almost anyone in your life. They're the center of your world.

At the end of the semester, she wanted to ask her advisor what feedback her advisor had for her and how she could be the best grad student possible. At the end of one of their meetings, she asked her advisor, “Do you have any feedback for me as your advisee?” She paused for a minute and she thought. The answer she gave my friend was essentially, she felt like my friend was wearing the wrong color foundation, the wrong color makeup. She didn't talk anything about what kind of a teaching assistant she was, how she was doing in her courses, anything that was relevant. My friend just wandered out and thought like, “Oh, my God. What just happened?”

That's the danger if we ask someone a really open-ended question. This is really common. People say, “Oh, ask what you can start doing, stop doing and continue doing.” I think in some situations, that can be helpful. What I suggest to people is that to remind you that we are all the captain of our feedback ship. As cheesy as that analogy is, I think it's true. What that means is you should be deciding about the things you want to get feedback on.

What I recommend to people is to come up with a working hypothesis. For example, I want to be the CEO of a big company someday. What are the skills that I'm going to need to develop to be the best CEO I can be? Okay, one of them that I think I have the most work to do on is public speaking. I'm going to work on getting loving critics who can give me feedback on my public speaking. When I ask them for feedback, I'm going to confine it to that.

Sometimes people ask me at that point, well, if I'm being that specific, how do I make sure I'm not missing anything? I think that's a really good question also. Maybe at the end say, “Hey, is there anything else you've observed that you think might be helpful for me to know?” Then you've got the best of both worlds; you're being specific, but you're allowing things that you're not focused on to bubble up if they're important.

[0:40:27.9] MB: Great questions and highly practical and usable. For someone who's been listening to our conversation and wants to take some first step to concretely implement and execute on some of the stuff that we've talked about today, what would be one piece of homework, or one action item that you would give them to begin that journey?

[0:40:46.1] TE: If this is answering your question, I think this is the most tangible, actionable step people could take just as a starting point. It's a fair question to ask at this point, how self-aware am I? By the way, I learned that I was definitely not as self-aware as I thought I was. That's okay. We're all in this together.

I think is a first step, getting some type of baseline on your level of self-awareness can be very helpful. When Insight launched all the way back in 2017, we created this free quiz that I thought we'd leave it up for a couple months and take it down. We've had so many hundreds of thousands of people take it and they just loved it so much that we've continued to support this free tool to help make the world a more self-aware place.

What it is is a subset of 14 questions from our bigger, validated self-awareness assessment. You fill it out, it takes about five minutes, you send it to someone who knows you well, they fill out the questions about you and then you get this nice little report back on your high-level self-awareness and then a couple of tangible actionable steps based on your results, which again, is really important. It'll tell you where you are in those four archetype; seeker, introspecter, pleaser, aware. If anybody wants to take that, you can find it insight-quiz.com. Again, it's just a free resource we have up there that people seem to love, so I'm happy to continue to offer it.

[0:42:07.0] MB: We'll make sure to include that in the show notes as well. Tasha, for people who want to find more about you, your work, everything you're doing online, what is the best place for them to do that?

[0:42:18.5] TE: I always say, it's much less about me and more about supporting everybody's journey who's listening to this. If you take the Insight quiz, it's very easy to find me in general. I would start there.

[0:42:30.5] MB: Awesome. Well Tasha, thank you so much for coming back on the show, for sharing a tremendous amount of knowledge and insights; another great conversation about the importance of self-awareness.

[0:42:40.8] TE: My pleasure. Just always a pleasure to talk to you and very grateful for the opportunity.

[0:42:45.4] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners, master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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Don't forget, if you want to get all the incredible information we talk about in the show, links transcripts, everything we discussed and much more, be sure to check out our show notes. You can get those at successpodcast.com, just hit the show notes button right at the top. 

Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.

May 21, 2020 /Lace Gilger
Emotional Intelligence
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Concrete Steps to Face Your Fears with Michelle Poler

May 14, 2020 by Lace Gilger in Emotional Intelligence, High Performance

In this episode we share how to face down your fears and we uncover what happens when you do. We hear the incredible story of how our guest, Michelle Poler, spent 100 days facing down her biggest fears and show what you can learn from her journey. 

Michelle Poler is a social entrepreneur, keynote speaker, and branding strategist. She is the Founder of Hello Fears, a social movement that helps people step outside of the comfort zone and tap into their full potential. She has spoken at TEDx, Google, P&G, Netflix, and many more. Her work has been featured on CBS, CNN, Huffington Post, among many other publications. 

  • Living a normal life and going through the motions.. what happens if you wake up and realize that’s all BS?

  • What was it like facing your fears?

  • The seven major universal categories of fear.

  • How do you determine which of your biggest fears is the most pernicious?

  • It’s not about doing crazy stuff, it’s about facing the daily fears and little things every single day - the battle takes place in your day to day life, not in some theoretical future.

  • What is it like to really face your fears?

  • Your fears are never as bad as you think they will be when you face them head on. 

  • You’re holding yourself back from so many experiences because you’re creating a worst case scenario in your head.

  • You’re more likely to experience the best case scenario than the worst case scenario. 

  • Fear at the end of the day is in your head. 

  • The battle takes place beforehand.. not during the actual fear inducing experience. 

  • How do you actually face your fears?

  • What are the steps to facing your fears?

    • Identify your fears

    • Then you go into denial and ignoring your fear

    • Planning

    • The “WTF Am I Doing?” Stage

    • Action

    • Celebration

  • What is it that makes someone go from the WTF stage to the action stage?

  • Don’t ask what’s the WORST that can happen, ask yourself WHATS THE BEST that can happen. 

  • Risk is ALWAYS there.. that’s part of existence. 

  • The behavioral activation system is rigged by REWARDS, not risk. 

  • Your life can be so much better if you have the courage to face your fears. 

  • If you don’t take action you will NEVER achieve what you want the most. 

  • The enemy of success is comfort, not failure. 

  • The only time you fail, is the time you fail to try. The reason you don’t try is because you’re too comfortable.

  • What are the best tools for facing fear during the hardest part of the journey?

  • Don’t worry about being perfect 

  • As a parent how can you stop generational fear from being passed down to your kids?

  • It’s not about not facing your fears.. and it’s not about pretending you’re fearless. You have to face your fears, as a human, with self compassion, and realize that you aren’t perfect. Acknowledge your fears and face them together. 

  • Tell your children that you’re scared, and then show them how you face that fear. 

  • Homework: Find an accountability partner to help you face your fears. 

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Want To Dig In More?! - Here’s The Show Notes, Links, & Research

General

  • Michelle’s Website

  • Michelle’s LinkedIn and Twitter

  • Hello Fears Website, Facebook, and Instagram

  • 100 Days Without Fear Site

Media

  • Forbes - “How This Latina Turned 100 Days Of Facing Her Fears Into A New Career” by Vivian Nunez

  • PSA Financial - “What’s the Best That Could Happen? Michelle Poler on How to Live Life Without Fear” by Justin Hoffman

  • “This is what YouTube star Michelle Poler learned after 100 days of facing her fears” By Interaksyon Staff

  • Article Directory on HuffPost

  • Crunchbase Profile - Michelle Poler

  • Deadline - “Fox Buys Drama ‘100 Days Without Fear’ From Akiva Goldsman Based On Michelle Poler Blog” By Denise Petski

  • Fierce - “Meet Michelle Poler, The Venezolana Inspiring Women To Face Their Fears” by Raquel Reichard

  • Bustle - “5 Lessons We Can Learn From Michelle Poler's Completed "100 Days Without Fear" Challenge By Emma Cueto (2015)

  • [Podcast] The Rise Podcast w/ Rachel Hollis - Ep 120: How to Face Your Fears (with Michelle Poler)

  • [Podcast] Amy Jo Martin - EPISODE 60: MICHELLE POLER

  • [Podcast] Dream Big - DB 159: Michelle Poler On Facing Her 100 Greatest Fears & Why You Should Too!

Videos

  • HelloFears YouTube Channel

    • Quitting my job - Day 59

  • Michelle Poler YouTube Channel

  • TEDx Talks - 100 days without fear | Michelle Poler | TEDxHouston

  • Now I've Seen Everything - The "100 Days Without Fear" Challenge From Michelle Poler Is Awesome

  • Kimberly Rich - Michelle Poler: 100 Days Without Fear

  • CreativeMornings HQ - Michelle Poler: 100 Days Without Fear

  • Today Show - This woman challenged herself to spend 100 days facing her fears

  • Glamour - One Woman Faces Her Fear of Aging Head-On | 100 Days Without Fear

Books

  • Hello, Fears: Crush Your Comfort Zone and Become Who You're Meant to Be by Michelle Poler (Released on May 5th)

  • Hello Fears Book Site

Misc

  • Journal Article - The Neuropsychology of Anxiety: An enquiry into the function of the septo-hippocampal system by Jeffrey A. Gray and Neil McNaughton

Episode Transcript

[00:00:04.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[0:00:11.8] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success; the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the Internet with more than five million downloads and listeners in over a hundred countries.

In this episode, we share how to face down your fears and we uncover what happens when you do. We hear the incredible story of how our guest, Michelle Poler, spent a 100 days facing down her biggest fears and we show you what you can learn from her journey.

Are you a fan of the show and have you been enjoying the content that we put together for you? If you have, I would love it if you signed up for our e-mail list. We have some amazing content on there, along with a really great free course that we put a ton of time into called How to Create Time for What Matters Most In Your Life. If that sounds exciting and interesting and you want a bunch of other free goodies and giveaways along with that, just go to successpodcast.com. You can sign up right on the homepage. That’s successpodcast.com. Or if you’re on your phone right now, all you have to do is text the word smarter, that’s S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44-222.

In our previous episode, we shared how you can be more confident when you make the tough decisions in your life, discuss how to deal with FOMO and showed you the key to ultimately achieving greatness with our previous guest, Patrick McGinnis.

Now for our interview with Michele.

[0:01:34.6] MB: Michelle Poler is a social entrepreneur, keynote speaker and branding strategist. She's the founder of Hello Fears, a social movement that helps people step outside of their comfort zone and tap into their full potential. She's spoken at TEDx, Google, P&G, Netflix and many more places. Her work has been featured on CBS, CNN, The Huffington Post and many other publications.

Michelle, welcome to the Science of Success.

[0:02:00.5] MP: Hi. Thank you for having me.

[0:02:02.5] MB: Well, we're super excited to have you on the show today. Austin is joining us as well. Austin, what's up?

[0:02:07.8] AF: Yeah, what's up guys? It's good to be a part of the conversation. Michelle, we really, really appreciate the time, really looking forward to digging in with you.

[0:02:13.5] MP:  I'm excited too.

[0:02:15.9] MB: Michelle, we are huge fans of your experience, your work. It's such an important topic. I just have this personal affinity and I think Austin probably the same way, for any discomfort challenge. That is just my favorite thing. Before we get into some of the specifics, I'd love to just step back and hear your story of the journey of how we got here and what your 100-day challenge was like and how it originated.

[0:02:42.9] MP: Okay. That's a big question. I'm originally from Caracas, Venezuela. If you're sensing or hearing an accent, that's why. I was born and raised there. I moved to the US for my college. When I was actually 19, I moved here and I started living a very normal life, where I was checking the saddest boxes, the things that promised ultimate happiness.

Along the way, what I realized as I was checking those boxes and by boxes, I mean, going to college, then finding a job, getting married. I was doing all of those. In the process, what I realized is that I was achieving comfort, not necessarily happiness. Not that I was not happy. I was not sad or anything. It was just not giving me the fulfillment that I was looking for.

Early in my life, because I even got married early at 23, and so I started having a lot of comfort around me. I had a really nice job in advertising. I had a nice apartment, two-bedroom, two-bathroom, husband of my dreams, everything around me was working out pretty nicely. But still, I was like, something's missing because this cannot be all. I'm only 23 and what's next? To have kids, to buy a home and then have grandkids and die? Is that it?

I definitely want more out of my life. I'm way too young to be living with such comfort around me. That's when I realized that my biggest dream has always been to live in New York. I was not fulfilling that dream, because I chose to get married and to settle. At 23 I said, “You know what? I need to fulfill this dream. I need more goals in my life, more challenges, actually.” I decided to move to New York to do a master's in branding at the School of Visual Arts. That's when my story started to change.

I moved to New York to fulfill my dream and I was not really fulfilling my dream, because I was living inside of my comfort zone. Even in the best city in the world, even as I was living my best life, I was still trying to stay very comfortable, because I was too afraid in general. I was afraid to feel fear. I learned that term called phobophobia, where you try to avoid facing your fears. That's how I lived for the first 25 years of my life. Then when I was doing my masters in branding, I had the opportunity to do a 100-day project.

We were challenged. All of us at the school, we were challenged to start a 100-day project of our choice. We had to choose one thing to do repeatedly for 100 days in a row. At that moment, I knew it was the perfect opportunity for me to go after my fears, become a braver person and changed my life. I decided to start tackling one fear a day, record myself and put all of those videos on YouTube.

[0:05:58.0] MB: There's so many fascinating things that you went through. Some of them are at least and watching them, I'm sure it was difficult to go through it, but some of them are almost hilarious to watch and look at. I'd love to hear a couple of the highlights from the 100-day challenge and some of the lessons that you learned from it as well.

[0:06:13.0] MP: Yeah, sure. I started facing smaller fears. For me, they were huge. If I tell you now you're like, “Seriously? That's not even a fear for so many people.” For example, my fear number two was to try an oyster and a snail, not only an oyster. Something that I've never tried before in my life. I was very disgusted by it. I gave it a chance. I did that. I have to tell you something interesting is that this happened, the oyster challenge happened exactly five years ago today. The 7th of April. That was the second day of my project five years ago. Now I'm doing this challenge five years later, re-watching all of my videos and publishing those on my Instagram just for fun. That's the way to commemorate this project. Okay, that was just a side note.

Then I did getting a Brazilian wax, or holding a cat for the first time in my life. All these things can sound small for a lot of people, but for me those were things that I was avoiding throughout my life and they limit my life in different ways, like driving at night and things like that. Well, around fear number 40, my project went viral. It was all over the news all over the world. At that point, I decided to challenge myself to face bigger fears. That's when I started tackling things, like skydiving, holding a tarantula, posing nude in front of a drawing class, speaking in a TEDx, what else? Quitting my job in advertising.

I definitely started tackling bigger things at that point, because I wanted to prove myself that I could actually go bigger than I thought, which these were things that I never considered before starting the project. Then by the end, this whole project turned into a movement. I had thousands of people following. I went from zero followers to thousands of followers, millions of views on YouTube and just transforming what was an experience and what started as a school project into a lifestyle and a career.

[0:08:23.2] MB: One of my favorites was the challenge of walking around New York City in a bikini. I thought that was so funny. I loved personally doing ridiculous rejection challenges and stuff like that. Tell me a little bit about that experience.

[0:08:36.0] MP: Well, you know what? New York City is a great place to face your fears and find your authenticity, because nobody cares. You can be doing the silliest things and people just look around and they think that you're part of the whole experience. Tourists may take a picture of you like, huh. That time when I went to New York and this girl was walking in a bikini in the middle of spring, where people are still wearing jackets and sweaters, and locals don't even care. They don't even look.

I don't know if you saw this one, but I spent a full day asking for money in the street. People would not even look at me. I thought I would feel weird asking for money. They wouldn't even see me. Every crazy challenge, go to New York, nobody will care and then you'll be able to experience that. That was funny, because I was walking in my bikini and I was really surprised that nobody would even pay attention. It was a great way to do some shock therapy for sure.

[0:09:38.4] MB: It reminds me, Austin, of the time that we've had a couple rejection adventures of our own as well.

[0:09:44.4] AF: Yeah. It's funny. We should have filmed those. Michelle I mean, obviously, you took this to a whole another level. Matt and I, one time we're traveling for a speaking gig and we had a whole evening to kill at the Mall of America. We took it upon ourselves to just go out and try to get rejected as many times as possible. One of the greatest takeaways too, I mean, there's a lot of things, like you mentioned, you thought everyone would stop and stare at you, but they didn't. People go about their lives and I think the expectation for us was pretty similar. They're like, it's terrifying. We're like, “Oh, my God. You do it. You do it. No, come on, man. Come on. You do it. You do it.”

Then we went out and did it. It devolves very quickly, but at the same time it's very fun, it's very challenging and it forces you to step off. Matt, I don't want to take the story, but I know we got some free loot out of that whole endeavor.

[0:10:27.8] MP: That’s so funny.

[0:10:29.9] AF: Let's see. I'm trying to remember all of them. We went to a bakery that was closing down. Matt, it was you. You asked them if we could have a free slice of cookie cake and the lady was like, “No.” I remember it, because it was great. You’re like, “Well, what's going to happen to this cookie cake if you don't give it to me?” She was like, “I'm going to throw it in the trash.” “Well, why don't you just do us a little favor here and make our day, as opposed to throw in the trash?” She looked around and was checking her shoulder, half-serious, checking to see if anybody was around and slid over the cookie cake. It was like, “Score.”

The smallest little thing, but we ran out of there like kids. Like, “Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What else can we do?” It's like jumping into a cold pool of water. Once you're in there you're like, “All right, this is a little more comfortable. What else can we get?”

[0:11:11.8] MP: Right, right.

[0:11:13.3] AF: I have a quick question here. I listened to your story here and you talk about how you did all these things and then you still didn't feel you'd pushed yourself. One of the things you've talked about that I thought really hit on with me was looking back at the challenge, you realize you're not really afraid of speaking in public, or walking around in a bikini. There's bigger fears, right? Ultimately, you're really confront five or six fears, not a 100 different ones. How did you come to that realization? How far were you when you realized, “I'm not afraid of X, Y, Z. It's really the larger fears.” How did that change the way that you approached taking on these fears when they became these big things, not just small little acts?

[0:11:57.0] MP: Yeah. When I was facing these fears, I started to see patterns in the way that I felt in the different fears. For example, when I got Brazilian wax, it was a similar experience to when I got a piercing. The fear is not the Brazilian or the piercing, it’s pain. That's one fear, one umbrella that includes so many fears that are related to pain. I started to see these patterns later on.

What I did is I put all of my fears that I was facing on post-it notes and I started to put them together. I was like, this fear and this fear felt similar and this one and this one felt similar. I started creating this clouds of post-its and then I was able to identify seven clear ones that I was like, “This definitely fits here and this definitely fits here.” I ended up discovering that I didn't have 100 fears like I thought, or a 1,000 fears like I actually thought. I only had seven fears, which were pain, danger, embarrassment, rejection, loneliness, lack of control and disgust.

[0:13:06.9] AF: That's so interesting and I can only imagine when the light bulb went off, taking this thing that seems like a 100 and condensing it down to seven different things. How did that change the way that you approached each new task now that you knew what the root cause was of your fear?

[0:13:21.6] MP: Well, one interesting thing that came out of this is that I was able to understand which ones of the seven fears were easier for me and which ones were harder. Then I started to compare them with other people. I started asking people around, would you rather do this or this? Then for example, if I say would you rather crash a wedding or travel by yourself for a whole weekend? In my case, I would rather crash a wedding a thousand times before traveling by myself, because loneliness is one of my biggest fears.

Then some people would say, I would never in my life crash a wedding and I would love to be by myself. This is an interesting exercise that I included in my book that I asked people to rank the level of fear of these seven categories. For me loneliness like I was saying is at the top. Pain is at the top. I really try to avoid pain at all costs, and lack of control. I think those are the main ones.

For example, embarrassment and rejection, I tend to deal with those better, definitely. I did this challenge of dancing in the middle of Times Square, like no one's watching. It was not as bad. It was a little bit intimidating at the beginning, but I had so much fun. Then some people watched that video and they're like, “I could never do something like that,” but they don't care about getting piercings, or tattoos, or things that are is so hurtful that I would never consider them.

[0:14:48.4] AF: It's so interesting to me too, thinking about how you were 23, you moved to New York to take on this ambitious program and then you still felt you weren't pushing yourself into fear enough. Then to hear you say you were afraid of holding a cat, in my head I'm like, “Wow, at the age of 23, you moved to New York. I mean, that's huge, right?” People are so intimidated just into moving anywhere that's far away from home, or far away from school and away from friends. Then you decided, I really haven't even pushed myself to my potential right now, so you decided to take on this ambitious 100-day challenge.

Then the cat thing strikes me. Obviously, you've identified your fears and everything, but I think what it really sheds light on is something that can be just so mundane. I mean, there are people that pet cats every day first thing in the morning, right? Can also be a huge fear for someone else. I think by showing the vulnerability of what your true fears are and not saying, “Oh, it's all got to be good content for YouTube, or it's all got to be something absolutely crazy.” By really shedding light on those innate fears inside of you that aren't common to everybody, it really made the whole thing a lot more impactful. How was that journey diving into these small things, like trying an oyster, trying a snail, petting a cat that really were just unique to you, but ultimately really struck a chord with the large, obviously based on the traction you got?

[0:16:07.9] MP: Right. When I went viral, I was doing those kinds of fear. I was not doing the huge fears. I think that is exactly what resonated with so many people, because if I put the obvious fears in there, I'm facing my fears, but if everybody has those fears. Actually, you should have those fears. You should be afraid of holding a tarantula and doing skydiving and because, death, it's a possibility if you're not careful.

Those other fears were limiting my life. For example, actually in college I lived with two cats, because my roommate – I had four roommates and they had two cats and that was limiting my life a lot. I wouldn't go to the bathroom if the cats were there. Or if they would walk on top of my cereal, I would just stop eating and do something else, because I wouldn't touch them. I was afraid of them scratching me.

In my head, the fear was so big, they would hurt me. When I tried just petting the cat and during the project and holding it, God, it was so sweet. I was like, “Seriously? I've been missing out in this my entire life because of my fear? How irrational is that?” I was starting to build my confidence, but I had to start with the little things and that's what people resonate with, because we all have those fears and it's a taboo topic. Not a lot of people admit they have those fears, and so I didn't have a problem just putting myself out there and challenging myself in that way.

[0:17:32.8] AF: Yeah. I think that's really partially why it struck a big chord is it wasn't macho crazy things that was extremely relatable. People might see your channel and think, “Oh, she was afraid of petting cats.” Learn that and it just makes it so much more relatable than someone who's constantly skydiving and swimming with piranhas and everything that would be a lot of ways, expected of something focused on this, but not really what reality is, right?

[0:17:55.9] MP: Yeah.

[0:17:58.5] MB: Yeah, I think that's such an important point. It really comes back to the art of facing your fears and getting uncomfortable. It's this idea that it's not about doing crazy stuff. That's fun and it's cool and it's great for YouTube or whatever, but it's really about this daily battle, every single day in the mundane everyday stuff that you experience to you realize those fears that are coming up and face them. That's such an important piece of it.

[0:18:23.0] MP: That's a really great point. Actually, the whole project was very physical, because I had to capture all of these experiences to upload them to YouTube. After I was done with the 100-day project, I focused more on fears, or challenges that you can't necessarily capture on camera, but that are so life-changing.

For example, asking for a raise at work, a promotion. That is a huge fear. A lot of people have to face if they want to get somewhere in their careers; promoting yourself, exposing yourself on social media, asking for a divorce, launching a new project. Those things you can't put them on YouTube, but those are the big challenges that will take our life to the next level and will get us closer to our dreams. That's what I started focusing more after the 100-day project. That's how I was able to build a community of over 75,000 people on Instagram that they just want to be challenged on the day-to-day, to become who they're meant to be.

[0:19:31.2] MB: I'm so curious, there's a lot I want to unpack from what you've already shared, but just coming back to that experience of being afraid and then really stepping into facing your fears, what was that experience like to actually be in the moment, to face those fears and what were the fears like when you really encountered them up close?

[0:19:50.3] MP: Well, they were never as bad as the way I had them in my head before. That's one of the main takeaways that I got from this project, that before facing those fears, they were just so big. The worst case scenario was going to happen for sure. That's what we tell ourselves.

During my entire life, I just kept holding myself back from so many experiences, because I thought that the worst-case scenario was what's going to actually happen, but when I started to face my fears during the project, what I realize is that actually, you are more likely to experience the best case scenario than you are to experience the worst case scenario.

Day after day, I kept experiencing that things were not as bad as I had them in my head before. Whenever I went to the next fear, I had a little bit more confidence within me. I will challenge people to start facing those small fears and build up that confidence, because then when you encounter bigger fears, then you're not expecting the worst. That's so important, because the fear is at the end, what we tell ourselves. That is what it is. The actual challenge is never that. I was able to prove that to myself day after day.

When I was in it, when I was in the fear, the entire time I was like, it's going to be horrible, it's going to be horrible, it's going to be the worst. Then suddenly, it was not, day after day. I created an emoji meter for the project. That was a tool that helped me measure my fear before, during and after each challenge that I faced. That was really helpful for my audience to understand, because not every fear was terrifying. Some fears were more scary than others for me. That way I could communicate that. Always, the fear was definitely bigger before, during was not as bad and after, most of the times was way better.

[0:21:46.4] MB: Such a great piece of perspective. As someone who's faced down hundreds of fears literally, you just have such a good insight into this, that the battle with your fears really takes place beforehand and not during the actual fear-inducing experience itself.

[0:22:02.9] MP: Yeah. Exactly like that.

[0:22:05.6] MB: I'm curious, thinking about that process of facing a fear and going from the very beginning of okay, I'm afraid of this all the way through to the other side of having experienced it, how do you think about the life cycle of fear and really facing our fears?

[0:22:24.2] MP: That's a great question. The first step to facing a fear is the time when we acknowledge that we are afraid of something. For example, let's say that a friend of yours proposed an idea, something that you've never considered, right? Let’s say that someone tells you, “Hey, do you want to come this summer with me to Africa to volunteer?” You're like, “What?” Maybe you never even considered doing something like that. When the idea is proposed to you is how you react, what tells you if this is a fear or not.

If you're like, “Yeah, let's totally do that,” then you're not afraid of that. Let's not talk about that, because it's not in this topic. If your first reaction is like, “Let me think about it. I'm not sure.” You were not expecting that proposal, then maybe you're identifying something that is outside of your comfort zone. That is the first step when you identify that you're afraid of something.

Then the second step is to ignore the fear. That's where we automatically go as human beings, because when we face something that we are not comfortable with, our first reaction is to ignore it. Look another way and forget about that for a while. Most of the people just stay there and ignore their fears over and over again. They continue living a very comfortable life doing the things that they already know, hanging out with people that they're familiar with and life becomes very monotonous for a lot of people because of that.

The other kind of people that are other bit more adventurous would come back after that, after ignoring it for a while, maybe a few minutes, maybe hours or days and then come back to it and say, “But what if I actually do that?” They start thinking about the best-case scenario if they do it. Then at that point, you start to plan your fear. You're going to do this, you're going to take that risk, you're going to embark on the challenge. Maybe you have to set up a strategy, maybe you have to call someone, just plan the whole experience.

Or if it's just to say something out loud, like ask for a raise, you start to plan how you're going to say these things. That's the planning stage. Then from there before getting into the action stage, which you would assume is next, there's always this hidden stage in the middle, which I call the WTF am I doing stage. That's the stage where you freak out. It's the few moments before you take action. It is inevitable. As human beings, are immediately going to start thinking of the worst case scenarios, right? All these negative thoughts will start to pop into your head, telling you things, to try to convince you not to do that, because it's unnatural.

I mean, it's your fear talking, your comfort speaking. It will tell you things like, “Don't do it. You will regret it. Who do you think you are?” All these things that we’d tell ourselves. At that moment, it's really important that we overcome the WTF stage in order to get to the action stage. A lot of people and I would say most of the people, just drop the ball right there and they convince themselves that this was not a good idea in the first place and they come up with a thousand excuses why they shouldn't do that and that's it. They continue living their monotonous life, go back to their comfort zone.

Those who actually take action, I've been studying that and I've been trying to understand what is it that makes someone go from the WTF am I doing stage into the action stage. I came up with my own tool. The typical question that we tend to ask ourselves or other people when they're about to face a fear and we do it with the best intentions, which is hey, what's the worst that could happen, right? You ask yourself that sometimes?

[0:26:09.3] MB: Yeah, absolutely.

[0:26:10.1] MP: Yeah. That question, I got it a lot, because I was facing my fears over and over again. People tend to ask that and they're like, “But think about it? What's the worst that can happen if you hold a tarantula, or if you go camping, or if you whatever, dive with sharks?” Well, sharks could be really bad. Dance in the middle of Times Square like no one's watching.

The worst-case scenario, yeah, maybe it's not dying, but it could be things like hurting your ego, or crushing your confidence, or getting rejected, or being embarrassed. There are many other worse things that could happen, so that question is not really helpful. What I did is I changed the question around and flipped it around. I started asking myself what's the best that can happen. Because when you ask yourself what's the best that can happen, you start to focus on the real words, instead of in the risk. The risk will always be there. We're human. That's the first thoughts that we have in our mind. We have to train our brain to go the other way around and think about the rewards.

As I was trying to better understand this, I actually encounter a research from this psychologist called Jeffrey Gray. He says that in our brain, we have two systems; the behavioral inhibition system and the behavioral activation system. The behavioral inhibition system responds to risk and stop us from taking action, or we take action based on our fears. Then the behavioral activation system responds to reward. It's exactly what it encourages us to take action based on the rewards, instead of in the fear.

Asking yourself that question, what's the best that can happen is all about focusing on the rewards. Think about it, if you're about to let's say in my case, presents in front of 20,000 people, right? That's my job, but still scares the heck out of me every time I have to do one of those big presentations. If I'm backstage and I'm only focusing on the things that can go wrong and I'm like, “What if technology fails? What if I say a joke and nobody gets it, nobody laughs? What if nobody pays attention? What if people start to leave in the middle of my presentation?” I'm only thinking about the worst-case scenarios.

If I ask myself intentionally, what's the best that can happen? Immediately, my mind goes to the moment that this is all over and I have a huge smile in my face and I'm saying, “I can't believe this went amazing, that everybody laughed, that everything went according to plan, that technology worked, that I did one hell of a job and all of this positive outcomes that are most likely going to happen.” It just changes the way you walk into your fears and it encourages you to take action.

After we take action, which that is the action stage of course, then we go into the celebratory stage and that's when we feel very proud of ourselves for accomplishing something that was hard to do. I can tell you that during my entire life, I never actually felt really proud of myself, because I was only – like I was saying at the beginning, checking boxes. I graduated, because I had to graduate. It was not a big challenge for me. It was just something I had to do. Then I got married and I did all these things.

I never actually felt that feeling of being so proud of myself, because I did something hard, something despite my fears. That's what you experience when you intentionally decide to face a fear and you survive on the other side, which is what it's most likely going to happen.

[0:29:39.4] MB: That's such a great turnaround, instead of asking yourself what's the worst that can happen, focus on what's the best that could happen? I really like that.

[0:29:46.7] MP: It has helped me and now thousands of people.

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Check it out. Go to the Apple App Store, or Google Play Store on your phone today and download Best Fiends to start playing. Now remember, that's Best Fiends, not friends. F-I-E-N-D-S. Think best friends without the R. The game is great, their team is great, so go check it out now and start playing today and I'll see you on the leaderboard.

[0:31:36.0] MB: The other piece that I think is so important that often gets neglected or almost goes unseen is that WTF am I doing stage. It's so easy to gloss over that and think you're going to plan to face a fear and then next thing is you act on it, but really you have to go through a lot of mental anguish and in some cases and maybe in most instances, the hardest part of the battle is really that particular stage in fighting through all of the worst case scenarios and everything that's going on in your head.

[0:32:06.3] MP: That's exactly what I was saying. Yeah, it is the worst part. It's the turning point. You either surrender, I guess, to your fears at that point and you let them win the battle, which is what happens most of the times. There's so many examples. People that are in for example, marriages that they're not happy with, but they just go to that thought when they're about to maybe change their life and ask for a divorce, but they are like, “No, no, no, no. They start thinking what's the worst that can happen. I'm going to be alone. I'm not going to find anybody else. Then I have to hire lawyers and go through all that hassle. Let's just stay as I am.”

In that moment, it's the turning point where if you think all the positive things that can come out of this situation, if you decide to take action and how much better your life can be. If you decide to have the courage to do that, then everything changes and it’s that turning point.

[0:33:01.1] AF: I want to jump in here and I want to focus on what happens down the road a little bit, because I think it makes a lot of sense and it's very valuable for the audience to even have the take away of focus on the best, focus on the positive of what can happen. A lot of times in life, we’re faced with choices that will ultimately have good and bad outcomes. For example, if you decide you want to get divorced, keep the example going, but you're afraid of being lonely, well you may ask for that divorce and then you may wrestle with deep bouts of loneliness after that. It’s just a natural part of mourning and grieving and moving on.

I know even for you, they say that if you want to see the worst in humanity, take a look at YouTube comments, right? Even for you as you begin to gain traction and your name is getting spread around everywhere and things are picking up, I mean, you obviously also have that negative reaction from “haters” and people that really just spend their time focusing on the negative side of things. Obviously, we start out we want to focus on the best.

As you go down the road of some of these decisions that are largely good and there is a good to focus on, but there's a bad that creeps in, how do you keep from focusing on that negative that might be there? How do you ignore the bad comments and focus on the good feedback and the good ones? How do you ignore those bouts of loneliness after maybe being separated from a loved one, but ultimately know it's better for you?

[0:34:20.1] MP: That's a really great question, because everything in life will have positive and negative. You can't just escape that. No decision will just be just good or just bad. It's a matter of prioritizing what do you want the most. Maybe not what do you want now, but what do you want the most. If right now you just want company, then you're going to choose that, even if it's not the right company for you.

If you want the most is to find real love, for example, or the best job possible then maybe you do have to quit this job in order to find it. There's a journey that will happen between the time that you take action and the time that you actually achieve something. The problem is the people that don't take action, they will never achieve what they want the most. That's as simple as that. Are you willing to go through that journey and have the possibility of achieving the life of your dreams, or would you just rather stay in your comfort and never have that chance?

For example, talking about couples and that topic, I wrote a post in Valentine's last year, where normally what I do in those dates, special days and everybody is posting the exact same thing. Valentine's, everybody posts pictures of their loved ones and they tell the world how happy they are, even if they're not that's what they have to do. I'm like always, what can I post that it's a little bit more controversial? What is unexpected?

Last year, I decided to post this. I wanted to talk to single people that day and I'm like, right now you're on Instagram and you are watching so many happy couples as you're scrolling down your feed. You know what? I'm actually happier for you, because you have a greater chance at finding real love than all those “happy couples” that are not actually happy, but posting their pictures here on Instagram to make everybody believe they're happy, but they don't have now a chance to find real love, because they’re with someone else. I'm happy for you single people that you didn't settle for someone, just to not be by yourself.

It's all about that, having the courage to take a leap and trust that if we follow our hearts and we work hard, AF, we will eventually get what we want. It comes with a lot of sacrifices in the way, but all of those sacrifices will be worth it if you actually achieve what you want the most at the end.

[0:36:47.7] AF: That's a really great point. I love the content, by the way. That's so awesome. I think being able to go through the negatives of any decision and stick with that commitment, I think is a pretty good roadmap to show you that you're doing the right thing, right? If you start this movement that you did, but then there's a bunch of negative people are reaching out, you choose to focus on that and not on the positive and you give up after 75 days. Then really, you probably weren't all in in the first place, right?

Then the same thing, if you decided you want to make a huge life decision and maybe this partner is not right for you and you just feel it in your gut and you know it's not right and then you take action, but you ultimately come back, I think that that shows that either A, that wasn't the right decision, or B, you're not looking at things through the correct lens of reality. I really think that being able to put up with and to go through the pain of any decision that may have a negative consequence is really a sign that it's something you truly want to do.

[0:37:45.8] MP: Yeah, it is. You have to know that that will come with it and be willing to face all of it. It is also okay to make mistakes. Maybe you think you want something and you have the courage, you take action, you do it and then maybe that was not exactly what you wanted and it is okay to say, “Oh, maybe that was not exactly. Let me find what else was it,” but we need to try the things. If we constantly convinced ourselves that we should just stay in our comfort zone, we're not going to experience life much really. We're just going to stay in the same place.

[0:38:20.7] AF: Yeah, it's interesting. I kept going down with the relationship example, because we're on the road. On the second thought, if you jump into a tank of sharks because you want to overcome your fear and you realized very quickly, “I should not be in this tank of sharks,” you should probably get out of the tank. It's not a sign of wavering. It's probably just good common sense.

You've used a quote in the past, I really loved. It's the enemy of success is comfort, not failure. What does success mean to you?

[0:38:43.1] MP: Well, success is very personal. Everybody should have their own definition of success. I feel like that's something that they should be teaching us as we grow up, because when we're growing up, the whole world tells us what success looks like. It tells us that it's related to money and love and fame perhaps and stability. Then we grow up with certain ideals that might not be true for everybody.

For some people, yes, that is success to achieve fame and money and the recognition. For some people, success can be to have a balanced lifestyle, to be with your family and be present, not be at work all day long. For some people, success can be just being by yourself and loving the single life forever and that's it. It's so freaking personal that I think that's a question that we should all be asking ourselves and we should before we start any project, or any journey, we should first define what success means.

Because if not, it's like if we're driving somewhere in our car and we're not telling the GPS where to take us, then we would just be turning and turning and turning and then we would get very frustrated and think, “But where are we? Why am I not getting to where I want to be?” It's because you haven't told maybe your GPS where you want to go. Sometimes, we tell our GPS that we want to go to places only, because that is what people around us expect from us.

If your parents are always telling you that you should become a dentist and then you put in your GPS that you want to become a dentist and you achieve that and doesn't bring you happiness, it's because it was not your choice. It was your parents, or your communities, or your societies, like whoever is expecting this out of you. This is a very, very personal question and then very few people have the courage to actually take action and commit to their own definition of success. Because we're all the time looking around and comparing ourselves to other people, and if we don't have what other people have, mostly people that are close to us, then we feel we're not there, we don't have enough, or we are not good enough.

It is a matter of defining first and being very honest about it, what is success to you? Then owning that definition of success. Then what I say is that the enemy of success is not failure. A lot of people are afraid to try things that they're dying to do, they're dying to pursue a business, or be entrepreneur, or whatever it is that they want to do and they stop themselves from doing it because they're afraid to fail .

To me, the only time you fail is the time you fail to try. If you want to really do something and because of fear you decide not to do it, you're failing. You're failing yourself. You haven't even given yourself the chance to have success at that.

That's why I say that failure is not the enemy of success, it’s comfort. Because the reason that we don't try, it's because we're too comfortable with our salaries, with our partners, with our lifestyle, with being accepted by other people around us and by belonging the way we were taught to fit in to society.

[0:41:58.4] AF: That's definitely a journey that everybody has to figure out on their own and my definition of success might be completely different from Matt's, who might align a little bit with yours. It's really something I think that is extremely important for anybody, especially if they're going to reach their potential in life to understand what that means for them, even if it is being able to go to every kid's baseball game, or if it's working 18-hour days for the rest your life and buying a private jet. It's all just going to be different. Knowing what that is and having that Northstar really guides action and I think it's critically important.

[0:42:27.2] MP: That can also change throughout time, your definition.

[0:42:30.2] MB: You said something really, really important, Michelle, that to be is personally my biggest takeaway, maybe one of the biggest takeaways that I've gotten on this conversation is this idea, really simply that if you don't take action, you're never going to achieve what you want to achieve.

[0:42:45.8] MP: That's how it is. You don't even have a chance. I love this quote or this post that says something like, the chances of getting something if you try, pretty big. Chances of getting that same thing, if you don't even ask for it, zero. When you don't ask for the things you want, you are automatically telling yourself, no. You're not even giving yourself the chance to see what the answer to that question is.

[0:43:12.6] MB: I'm curious, coming back to the thing that stops people from acting as we've been talking about this whole conversation is fear. What are some of the tools that you found to be really successful for facing down your fears, especially at the hardest parts of the journey, if you're in that WTF am I doing stage, even before then, what are some of the resources and strategies that you've found to be really effective for facing down and overcoming fears?

[0:43:42.2] MP: Well, so one of the biggest fears that stop people a lot is the impostor syndrome, right? When you are about to do something that you feel that's what you should be doing and then you convince yourself that you're not the right person for that, that you're not good enough. Then you look around and you identify potential people that could be better for that. You're like, “Oh, yeah. I would like to do it, but I'm not as funny as that person.”

For example, let me never try stand-up comedy, because I know a lot of people that are way better than me. Or you look around and you’re like, “Oh, but I'm not a social, or as fit, or smart.” It's so easy to just look around, tell ourselves that we're not good enough and then continue whatever we were doing, instead of actually doing the thing we want the most, at least giving it a try. A few ways that I would suggest that we can confront the impostor syndrome mostly for example, we're about to launch something, an idea, we want to expose ourselves, the first thing we tell ourselves is that we are not experts, so we shouldn't be talking about a certain topic.

If you want to start a podcast about something that you're passionate about and then you convince yourself that you're not an expert on that, maybe you shouldn't do it, because there are other people already talking about it, what I want to tell those people is this, if you know more than a group of people, then you're definitely qualified to talk about it. Because we don't need to be the best ones, we don't need to be the most expert ones, we just need to know more than a group of people, or have a different approach to it.

That is something for example, my husband talks about personal finance. When he wanted to launch a brand about this to teach people about personal finance, he would always tell himself that, “No, no, no, but there are some people that are way better. I mean, look at Dave Ramsey, he's already doing that.” What I tell him is first, you know so much than so many people and they are your potential audience, right? That they want to learn from you.

Second, the other thing I want to tell people is yes, there might be so many people already doing what you want to do, but they are doing it their way and it's so important that we do it our way. The way to do this, because it's so easy to just say, do it your way, right? Maybe it's not as easy to implement it, but it's the difference between those who Google how to do things and those who try to look within themselves and find what is their way of doing things. I would say, don't be the Googler.

For example, if you're going to give a presentation and you google how to dress up for a presentation, or how to structure a presentation, I mean, you're just going to end up being one more if you do that. The only way to stand out and do the things in a more authentic way is by asking yourself those questions. How do I want to dress up if I would be presenting in front of others? How would I structure a presentation? Those are the questions that I ask myself and that is why my brand, Hello Fears, have been able to stand out. That's why so many people like it and want to be part of it, because it is not one more, because I'm not looking outside, identifying what other people are doing and try to imitate.

I'm always thinking how can I be more me. What is everybody else doing and how can I do it differently, not for the sake of being different, but for the sake of being me. For example, I have my own podcast and I decided to do it on the plane, because nobody's doing that and because I travel a lot. I travel with my husband, with Adam every single week, well, not now of course, because we’re in the middle of the coronavirus. Until three weeks ago, we were traveling every single week, maybe three, five times in a week. We spend so much time on airplanes that we decided to launch a podcast that we called it From the Plane.

We bought a small mic that we plug into our phone and we just record our conversations. People are loving our podcast, just because it's so different and because we're not trying to be perfect. We don't care about perfect audio, or people not talking. We have people talking all around us. We have babies crying. We have people sneezing and that is exactly what makes our podcast different and special and more authentic. It's a matter of looking inside and searching for those questions within yourself, instead of in Google.

[0:48:04.8] MB: The perspective of not worrying about being perfect and giving yourself permission to fail, having some self-compassion, to me that's such an important piece of dealing with your fears. It's interesting, because I've always found it to be a little bit of a paradox in the sense that the best way to conquer fear is just to start facing your fears, because as soon as you do that, you realize that your fears are ghosts. They're not real. It's not as bad. It's not even close to as bad as you think it might be. Until you're willing to just do that, with the first domino, with the first time, with the first experience, you're trapped at a prison of your own making.

[0:48:43.0] MP: I like the domino effect. It hits home. It's just like that. You face one, you're like, “It's not that bad. Let me try it again and then again. It's not that bad. Let me try it again.” You just go on and on.

[0:48:54.2] MB: Yeah. I mean, that's definitely been my experience in terms of you start with one little thing and then it comes back to what we're talking about earlier, facing these little battles every single day, whether it's being scared to hold a cat, or whatever else. You start with those little things. Then before you know it, you're pushing yourself so much further than you ever thought you possibly could.

[0:49:12.5] MP: Exactly.

[0:49:13.4] AF: Michelle, I'm going to ask for a little bit of personal help here. It’s written a roundabout way, but I know you've spoken about how fear can be generational. I'd love if you can dig into that a little bit more and Matt and I both have young children. I'm curious to know how as a parent can we overcome the urge to instill the same fears that we had, or that we might have in our kids?

[0:49:35.7] MP: Well, that's a great question and definitely, yes. I have to say first that I am not a parent, but I am a daughter and I experienced how my grandparents carried on their fears to my mom and then to me. Because my grandparents come from the Holocaust, so they are Holocaust survivors that moved to Venezuela in the 40s, late 40s after the war, early 50s, not sure the year. Then they had my mom. Then they raised her with so many fears from the war, because the worst that could happen is exactly what happened to them. Then that's how they raised my mom with those beliefs that the worst that can happen is going to happen.

She grew up being very negative in that way, always expecting the worst. Then she raised me just like that, because those were the tools that she had. That's why I grew up being very fearful myself, but at the same time there's something within me and I think it's my ambition perhaps that I think comes from my dad's side that wanted to win over those fears. Now I realize that my mom, the fact that she never faced a fear in front of me is exactly what made me choose again and again, not to face my fears for the first 25 years of my life, because I was too comfortable and I was like, “That's easy.” You just say, “I'm afraid of it,” and nobody bothers you again with that. Cool. I started using that too much in my life.

For example with my friends went backpacking through Europe. I was like, “No, I'm afraid of that.” They're like, “Okay.” They just went without me. I never went camping. I missed out on so many things growing up, because of that, because I was imitating my mom's behavior. Now what I been studying this a lot and trying to understand how that works because it is not about not facing your fears in front of your kids and it's also not about pretending to be fearless.

If you as a parent don't want to show your fears to your kid and you're always pretending that you're not afraid of anything, so they shouldn't be, then they won't be able to relate to you. Because fear is so natural and they will experience fear. I think the best thing you can do is to acknowledge their fears and to acknowledge your fears and then face them together. If you can tell your kids when you are afraid to do something and then you still do it and you ask them to join you and they know how afraid you are, for example, of donating blood and then you ask them to go with you and say, “Hey, I'm very afraid of doing this, but I think it's the right thing. Can you come with me, so you can encourage me to face my fear?”

Bring them into the experience. Show them your courage. There's nothing more empowering than that. That's what I did with my project. I was not really trying to inspire anybody as I was facing my fears on YouTube. I was not telling people, “You should go and face your fears.” I would never say that. I was just being terrified on camera every day facing my own fears. That is exactly what inspired people to go after their own fears. That is what I plan to do with my kids once I have kids in my home.

[0:52:57.5] AF: Yeah. I think that's so powerful. I mean, I love the idea of acknowledging the fear together and then bringing someone into the situation, in this case, obviously we're talking about a child. I think weirdly, I'm thinking back into my life and things that I did with my parents that I might have been afraid of at the time and things that we did together. Weirdly, there are a lot of the things that despite being really young, I actually remember. I think that's because I was part of that experience.

[0:53:23.2] MP: Yeah, totally. For example, my mom tells me things like, “Michelle, I always told you to go face your fear. I always told you to go pet the dog and sleep on your friend's house, all the things.” I’m like, “Yeah, you told me all of those things, but I never watched you face one of your fears, so what are you actually telling me with your actions?”

[0:53:43.1] AF: Yeah, that's huge.

[0:53:44.8] MB: For somebody who's been listening to this conversation that wants to take action, face their fears to begin this journey in some way, what would be one action step that you would give them to start down that path?

[0:53:58.0] MP: I would say, to find an accountability partner. Because it’s really hard to do this on your own. It doesn't have to be your spouse. My husband is Adam and we work together. We do everything together. They're like, “Do you need an Adam to face your fears and build an empire and do all these things that you're doing?” I'm like, “Yeah, you do.” It doesn't have to be your spouse. It can be a friend, it could be a business partner, it can be your parents, it could be your sister, it could be anybody that wants to be there for you, someone that wants the best for you and someone that wants to see you succeed more than they want to take care of you.

Because also, we have those people in our life that for example, when I told my mom that I was about to face all of my fears, she was like, “No way. No. I don't allow it.” I'm like, “I’m not asking for your permission. I'm letting you know I'm facing my fears and I have the support of my husband to do it, so I want to become a braver person myself. I'm doing this for myself. I'm doing this for my future kids. I'm doing it for my spouse and I'm doing it for you as well.” Because my ultimate goal was to also encourage my mom to be braver.

I'm so proud of her right now for all the fears that she's been overcoming, because of me and my inspiration. The advice that I would give people is find an accountability partner, someone that is there for you when you are way too afraid to take action. It is scary to share our big dreams with other people and our big plans, but if we don't do it, then we're more likely to not take action.

We're more likely to regret it before we do it, because nobody knows. It's just us. Yeah, I think we don't need to do that and that's it. That's what we tell ourselves. If more people know about it, people that want really to see you succeed, then they will be there to push you and make sure that you don't feel alone and that they encourage you when you need it the most. That is a good idea always to have an accountability partner.

Then the other one is to have a higher purpose, higher than yourself. Maybe you're doing this for someone that you care so much about. For example, I face my fear because I wanted to become a braver mom whenever I have kids. That is a greater purpose other than just myself. Those are my two advices that I would say that are very helpful.

[0:56:16.4] MB: Michelle, where can people find the book and your work online?

[0:56:21.6] MP: Well, you can find me on Instagram. I practically live there. My handle is @HelloFears. I post content daily. I challenge my audience daily and I challenge myself also and share those experiences with people, because there's like I was saying, nothing more encouraging to see someone else to face their own fears and lead by example. That and then if you want to find the book, go to hellofearsbook.com and you'll find all the information that you need there. It's on Amazon and everywhere where books are sold.

[0:56:54.4] MB: Well, Michelle. Thank you so much for coming on the show for sharing your journey and some great wisdom and really good insights into facing your fears. I don't know about you, Austin, but I really enjoyed this conversation.

[0:57:05.9] AF: Yeah, absolutely. I mean, so applicable for the audience, Michelle. I mean, much continued success. Obviously, we recommend everybody go check out the book. This was a very interesting, entertaining and very actionable conversation. Keep up the good work. I think the world needs people like you out there.

[0:57:19.2] MP: Thank you so much. I really enjoyed the conversation too.

[0:57:22.7] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners, master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.

May 14, 2020 /Lace Gilger
Emotional Intelligence, High Performance
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Self Doubt & Feeling Like You Don’t Belong with Gabriella van Rij

April 23, 2020 by Lace Gilger in Influence & Communication, Emotional Intelligence

In this episode we share how to deal with self doubt and what to do if you don’t feel like you belong. We explore the power of kindness and how to build your kindness muscle and much more with our guest Gabriella van Rij. 

Gabriella van Rij is the founder of the #DaretobeKind movement, a kindness expert and a keynote speaker for leaders. Gabriella helps organizations tap into the power of kindness. She is the author of four books With All My Might, I Can Find My Might, Watch Your Delivery, and the soon to be released Kindness is a Choice. Gabriella has been seen by millions on Dr. Phil, ABC, CBS, NBC, and FOX.

  • From being dropped off at an orphanage at 8 days old.. adopted twice.. and finally 

  • The importance of belonging

  • We cannot see ourselves.. and we all experience self doubt 

  • Self doubt is a universal human experience

  • Ask anyone: Have you ever felt like you didn’t belong?

  • We’ve all felt like we didn’t belong at some point in our lives. 

  • Self doubt is like a disease, it sets in and eats away at you. 

  • How do we deal with feelings of self doubt, inadequacy, and exclusion?

  • You cannot be kind to anyone if you aren’t in a positive place yourself

  • Muscle of kindness is built when people are mean to you, not when they’re nice to you 

  • Be kind to all the rude people! 

  • We come from a place of defensiveness. 

  • You have to put on your own kindness oxygen mask first.

  • “When you are kind to someone, you grow an inch"

  • How can you pivot from a place of kindness to a place of anger and fear?

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Want To Dig In More?! - Here’s The Show Notes, Links, & Research

General

  • Gabriella’s website

  • Gabriella’s LinkedIn, Twitter, and Facebook

Media

  • Gabriella’s Blog

  • [Documentary] Our Silence is Complicity (2014)

  • Article Directory on Huffpost, Medium,

  • PR Web - Gabriella van Rij’s New Book 'With All My Might' Teaches Readers How to Find Self-Acceptance in Spite of Adversity as Summer North American Book Tour Kicks Into High Gear

  • BBC News - “Why being kind could help you live longer” By Lauren Turner

  • Gabriella van Rij returns to #ConversationsLIVE w/ #DaretobeKind & more by Cyrus Webb

  • #30Seconds In-Depth: "Dare To Be Kind" Global Movement With Kindness Expert Gabriella van Rij! By Renee Herren

  • Gabriella’s Quora Profile

  • Daily News - “When a longing for belonging can lead to feeling like an outcast” By Gabriella Van Rij

  • New Living Magazine - “How to Get Rid of Fear-Based Communication” by Gabriella Van Rij

  • [Radio Interview] QC Uncut: Gabriella Van Rij (February 5th, 2019)

  • [Podcast] Crucial Talks -  Episode 102: Gabriella Van Rij.

  • [Podcast] The Kindness Podcast Episode 21: Gabriella van Rij

Videos

  • Gabriella’s YouTube Channel

    • Gabriella van Rij Professional Speaker - Tulare Union High School

    • Back to school anti-bullying - KRCG-TV, Channel 13, CBS - Gabriella van Rij

    • Adult Bullying - Eye to Eye CBS Milwaukee channel 58 - Gabriella van Rij

    • Gabriella van Rij - Conversations with Gloria Greer

    • Gabriella van Rij - Book Trailer - With All My Might

    • Dr. Phil Show Bullying Expert Gabriella Van Rij

  • Simo Benbachir - Simo BB Interviews Gabriella, the Pakistan-Born Founder of #DaretobeKind - a Global Movement

  • Living in Total Health - The Glen Alex Show: Gabriella Van Rij

Books

  • Kindness Is A Choice by Gabriella van Rij

  • With All My Might (English Version)  by Gabriella van Rij

  • I Can Find My Might  by Gabriella van Rij

  • Watch Your Delivery  by Gabriella van Rij

Episode Transcript

[00:00:04.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[00:00:12] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success, the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the Internet with more than five million downloads and listeners in over 100 countries. In this episode, we share how to deal with self-doubt and what to do if you feel like you don't belong. We explore the power of kindness and how to build your kindness muscle, as well as much more with our guest, Gabriella van Rij. 

Are you a fan of the show and have you been enjoying the content that we put together for you? If you have, I would love it if you signed up for our email list. We have some amazing content on there, along with a really great free course that we put a ton of time into called How to Create Time for What Matters Most in Your Life. If that sounds exciting and interesting and you want a bunch of other free goodies and giveaways along with that, just go to succespodcast.com. You can sign up right on the homepage. That’s successpodcast.com. Or if you're on your phone right now, all you have to do is text the word smarter. That's S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44222. 

What can videogames teach us about real life? In our previous episode, we explored the science behind the concept that we may be living in a simulation, looked at the hard problem of consciousness, explored the relationship between quantum physics and consciousness and much more with our previous guest, Rizwan Virk. Now, for our interview with Gabriella.

[00:01:38] MB: Gabriella Van Rij is the founder of the Dare To Be Kind Movement, a kindness expert, and a keynote speaker for leaders. Gabriella helps organizations tap into the power of kindness. She's the author of four books, With All My Might, I Can Find My Might, Watch Your Delivery, and the soon to be released Kindness Is a Choice. Gabriella has been seen by millions on Dr. Phil, ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox, and much more. 

Gabriella, welcome to the Science of Success. 

[00:02:05] GVR: Thank you, Matt, for having me. 

[00:02:07] MB: We’re so glad to have you on the show, and I'd love to start out the interview today with your story because your back story is so fascinating and in many ways really informs what you write about and speak about and teach today. I’d love to start with your story and your journey. 

[00:02:22] GVR: Okay. Well, my story, even though I don’t think it’s that interesting, to tell you the truth, because I guess I lived it, right? But it is interesting to most people because it's so different. I was born close to the Himalaya Mountains in Pakistan, which was back then probably India. I got born just after the split between India and Pakistan. Basically, my biological mother, that's what they think, she dropped me off at a Catholic orphanage at eight-days-old. I kind of empathize Catholic because that's where I got the name Gabriella, because a lot of people don't know where I got that name from, of course. 

I lived there for three years. I also got adopted there one time as a baby, and I really, really don't remember, by an American couple. I got – It didn't work out apparently, and I was given back. Then at the age of three, I was very lucky that other couple arose from Europe, from the Netherlands, and they adopted me at three years old. We won't go into all of that but what maybe is, for me, the most important part is this is where the story joins a universal emotion which is belonging. 

See, when I moved from the east to the west, I just learned all of a sudden that there was something wrong with me, right? I mean, I'm one of many in an orphanage and nobody told me that I was weird or that I look strange or that my skin color was different. I didn't really know, because nobody said anything. The moment I set foot in the west, I realized that there was something wrong with me. Not only my adopted parents reacted a little bit strange, the school. Everyone did, and I learned the Dutch language under a month, so that's really, really fast. Basically, kids picked on me, so I didn't really understand that belonging obviously as a toddler that that is universal emotion. 

What do you think about that? That belonging is universal when it touches all of us. 

[00:04:34] MB: Yeah. That’s so interesting, and I can see how that experience shaped all the things you you’ve written and taught about. Let’s dig into belonging because I think it’s such an important topic. In your mind, why do most people feel like they don't belong or why do so many people feel like they don’t belong?

[00:04:50] GVR: Well, I think, first of all, there's something really curious about all of us. Men and women, we cannot see ourselves. So when any of us wake up in the morning and we go brush our teeth and unfortunately there are mirrors everywhere in the bathroom, right? You can’t avoid them. So we pick at ourselves. We go, “Ugh, I got a zit here,” or, “I got this,” or, “I suddenly have a gray hair sprouting up,” or whatever it is. Men do this just as much as women. This is not just a woman thing, because people think but it’s not true. If we are not capable in seeing in the beauty of who we are and I mean beauty with everything, the in and the out, then it becomes very difficult to belong. Because the moment I meet someone and that person says to me, “Oh, you look a little bit strange, Gabriella,” or, “I hadn’t expected you to look like that or to sound like that,” that's when we start doubting ourselves. There is that little tiny seed that just was injected into you that says, “Maybe I'm not good enough.” It might not be bullying but it might just be enough to give you that self-doubt. 

I can tell you for one thing, once that self-doubt sets in and that’s at any age, Matt, that – I mean, you can be three. You can be two. Self-doubt is something that is the most horrible emotion I think that we can have, much more horrible than being sad or angry because self-doubt plays a little trick on us. If that self-doubt sets in, then belonging becomes a problem. I think for your viewers out there, anyone that is hearing this right now can honestly – I know if I could see you. You’ll honestly say, “Yeah, met too,” because there is one moment in your life anywhere that if you didn't feel that you belong to the group, whether that's at school, whether that's in a sports setting, whether that is within your work. 

I'm just going to take the example at the coffee machine, right? At work. Everyone stops at the coffee machine. They congregate, you say hi, you say what you did, and you feel that each time you arrived at the coffee machine that every single person stops talking. It’s silent and people always say, “Yeah, but I didn’t say anything.” But silence is complicity. Silence gives us that incredible doubt of, “Did I do something wrong? Is something wrong with my clothes? Oh, my gosh! They hate my hairstyle or there’s something off.” That’s what really, really happens. 

[00:07:46] MB: Yeah. That’s such a great point, this idea that really we think that it's our own unique experience but the self-doubt is really a universal human experience. 

[00:07:55] GVR: Yup. It’s so human, and we all have it. I mean, anyone. If you go out this afternoon and you ask anyone, “Have you ever not felt you belonged?” There’s people with incredibly happy stories, incredibly happy families that will say yes to you, because there is a moment that someone – I know this is not an English word but I’m going to use it anyway. Disincluded you. With other words, they for some reason didn't want to include you into the group and they excluded you. That was the word I was looking, not disinclude. They excluded you from the group. That's what happens when you speak too many languages. 

[00:08:35] MB: I’m jealous. 

[00:08:38] GVR: That is a big one. You know what I want to say to your reader, your listener right now? Think of when you say, “Oh, my people. When they did this, this, and this, it made me feel so awesome.” Think when you say that. If you can, please, please try to eradicate that from your vocabulary, the word my people, because it’s always at the exclusion of someone. The reason I’m going to say this to you is I’m going to make you laugh right now. I’m brown-skinned obviously because I was born in Asia. So if you think of it, I adopted obviously – My adoption country is Holland, so I’ve adopted the Dutch, who you all know are very tall, blonde, and blue-eyed, many of them. If I’m with them and they say my people, and let’s say that a few Americans and a few Germans and a few French are sitting there, they will go, “Yeah, but you’re not Dutch.” Do you see the danger of saying my people?

I always come from this aspect of always saying I have no country, no culture, and no mother tongue, and it gives me that incredible unique perspective to actually like everyone. When I meet you, I really meet you with an open visor, with an open mind that goes, “Hah, who are you?” Then it’s up to you who you want to be at that moment. If you want to be fun and engaging and if you are those things, then usually I like you in 50 seconds. Do you see what I mean? But if you start with my people, then we are at odds already because you're going to disinclude me. You’re going to exclude me from something. 

[00:10:31] MB: Yeah. It’s such an interesting point and it ties back into the whole idea of there are so many different ways, so many different categories, so many things that can cause us to experience self-doubt. We often think that it's something to do with us or it’s unique to our experience, but really it’s every single person at some time or another, regardless of your back story and regardless of your happiness, all of this stuff. You’ve had self-doubt, you felt excluded, and you felt left out at some point. 

[00:10:58] GVR: Yup, absolutely. That’s why it’s universal. Self-doubt is a little bit like a disease. It sets in and it eats away at you. It’s often not – I always say to people, it’s not what happened to me. It's not not knowing your biological parents that – Yes, it gets me sadness from time to time but it's not that in the end that gives you sadness. What gives you the sadness in the end is when you see people that have family treat them so badly. Then you kind of go, “Oh, my gosh! I wish I had one.” You kind of ache for that bond and that belonging and looking like someone saying, “Oh, my god! We have the same nose or the same type of timbre in our voice.” When you see that in the Western world, I'm always a little bit taken back because I go, “Wow! I just wish I had a sliver of what you have.” 

That brings me to why I do what I do, because I said to myself this belonging, this self-doubt that we go through is universal. It surpasses our gender. It surpasses our faith. It surpasses everything. It even surpasses fear if you think of it. It really, really connects us at a primal level. If that connects, how do we get rid of it? I'm one of those people that is passionate and I said, “Okay, if I want to help the world, what am I going to do?” The first thing I kind of went like most people is let’s go after hunger. Let’s help people to be successful. What can we do? Then I said to myself, “No, all of these things are categories. If I change a category, I will have some success but I will at a certain point just coast, right? I won't have any growth anymore, because people will not really change their minds internally.”

So what is it that I can bring to the world and to people everywhere that I meet to say, “How do I teach you something that should be inside of us, inside of all of us?” Then I went, “I’ve got it.” Kindness is innate. We just throw it on the wayside not because we want to. I think we do it by accident. I think that – Or interaction together makes us doubt the other person and the intentions of the other person. So if I'm hurt and, for example, if we’re hurt in a relationship, like in a love relationship or in a business relationship, we take that. I’m going to call it garbage for a second because I like calling it that. We take all those invisible constraints and this enormous garbage bag that nobody can see that's on our backs and we take it to the next relationship and we take it to the next job. So we keep saying, “I can be successful because it's always their fault, right?” Look, look. I’m at this new job or I have this new girlfriend or this new boyfriend, and they’re the problem because it's happening all over again. 

For me, the kind of secret sauce to life is saying, “Hey! Stop it for a second. Take that step back and really look. What did you do?” Because we cannot be kind, and this is biggest thing I can teach any of your listeners right now is the biggest thing I can teach you is that you cannot be kind to anyone if you yourself are not in a positive place. It's just impossible. My quote is nobody strikes another human being coming from a positive place. I’ll explain real quick again. If we have almost 7 billion people on this planet, that means 6.8 people, a billion people are in an unhappy place. They’re not positive. That’s why we keep going in a perpetual cycle because we keep meeting these type of people. It is maybe, just maybe, it's up to us to learn how to treat them and if we know how to treat them. 

I have honestly grown so much that I really rarely get upset anymore when someone shouts at me. I take it with huge doses of humor. I take a step back and I say, “Who beat you today? What happened? Tell me.” Because the moment you do and the moment you give them their name, so I’m going to use your name, Matt, the moment you say, “Hey, Matt. What happened? I know you’re not yourself, buddy. Tell me.” That moment, I defuse everything. I make it a success right there, because instead of striking you back, I open the possibility to a dialogue that might be very vulnerable. 

[00:16:13] MB: Yeah. That’s such a great point and one of my favorite. I don’t if it’s a quote or just an idea but this idea that the muscle of kindness is built not by being kind to people who are nice to you but it's built by being kind to people when they're mean to you. 

[00:16:29] GVR: Absolutely. I always say let's be kind to all the rude people out there. I’m telling you, the moment you learn this, you learn the behavior, see the moment they act to you. What is the problem with our human nature is that we are going to react and we are going to say, “Who the heck does he think he is,” or, “Who the hell does she think she is?” That’s our problem. That’s our problem. We come from that thing of defense. Let's defend ourselves, right? I take my own example. When I was in my 20s and someone said, “No, you’re not Dutch. I'm telling you, Gabbie, you're not Dutch,” what do you think I said back? I had a big chip on my shoulder, so I said, “I am Dutch.” Whereas now I say, “What do you think I am,” because the truth is I really don't care. I just answered to what a person asked me. If they don't believe I’m Dutch, I really don't care about it because it's not a point of contention. I understood that it's not important that I'm right. It's actually much more important that I have relationships. 

[00:17:44] MB: Yeah. That comes back to something you said a minute ago, which is this idea of you can't be kind to anybody unless you're in a positive place first. It’s essentially the same idea of you have to put on your own kindness oxygen mask before anybody else. 

[00:17:58] GVR: Yup. You always need to understand something. If you're going through something, the other person is too. I always say jokingly, come on. When anyone got up this morning out of bed, did you wake up and say, “I am going to pester my colleague. I'm going to be really unkind to X, Y, or Z.” You didn’t. We don’t set out in our daily lives to be mean or upsetting to someone. None of us really have that, because it's not innately in us. We’re actually good folks. The reason I know we’re good folks is we just have to learn to look at the children under five. Look how kind they are to us. Look how inclusive they are or how incredibly in restaurants, when you sit next to a child, before you know it, that child makes eye contact with you. It wants to give you their toy. It wants to share a sticky, ucky bottle with you, which you don't want to have at all but it does that automatically. We are kind when we see that coming from little children or small animals. But when it comes from an adult, we have a suspicion and we go, “What do they want?” It’s so funny. 

I’m just saying, well, if you truly want to be a successful person and – I am going to ask Matt something. What you do then see as success? I’m going to ask Matt because it is your show. Success, what is that to you, Matt?

[00:19:37] MB: Yeah. I mean, that's something we talk about a lot on the show and trying to figure out. 

[00:19:40] GVR: I know. 

[00:19:41] MB: I mean, I think everyone has a different definition of success. To me, success is really – I think gets a bad rep in many ways, because people think, “Oh. It’s money, power, fame,” whatever the kind of trio of things that you think about traditionally. But to me, being successful is really about living life on your own terms and achieving what it ever it is that you want to achieve and being good at whatever it is that you want to excel at. There are so many commonalities and common lessons that you can put together from all kinds of disciplines and all kinds of walks of life that, to me, that’s what really the science of success is about is trying to figure out all those shared lessons and bringing them together in a way that it doesn't matter what you want to do. You can try to apply it to making yourself happier, healthier, etc. 

[00:20:23] GVR: I love what you said because it encompasses everything, right? My definition of success is the intangibles. Think of all the intangibles that you have in your life, that dumb little phone call you made. But if you made it and you made that phone call to your mom or your dad or an uncle or an aunt and they just light up because you didn't forget about the and those intangibles. To me, that’s success. People think, “Yeah, but how do I do that?” Well, you can start every day. Just think of your coffee latte. If you don’t drink that, then your chai latte or your pumpkin latte. I don't know what it is that you drink in the morning. But think of that when you go to work and you pick it up on the corner of whichever coffee shop you’re at. Think of making the invisible people in your two-mile radius visible. 

What I mean by that. The barista in the coffee shop, he or she is 90% of the time invisible. But when he or she disappears and quits their job, then you are the first in the line to go, “Hey! Where was that person? They were about yea high and they had a big smile, and I love the way he made my coffee, right?” Then you miss them, so that’s kind of what I mean with the invisible people. All the people that indirectly that you meet every single day, the person in the parking lot that takes you a little ticket or whatever it is, that person. When you stop and you don't drive off and you actually say, “Hi, can I put you a newspaper tomorrow? Because I always see you sit here. Would you like to read something,” they light up. I mean, they absolutely light up. 

I lend one of the guys in the parking a book and I must say that within three weeks, he said, “Hey, lady with the book! I’ve read it. I loved it.” These are just fun things, because we think we have nothing in common with them but we do and we only know that if we open that door. 

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[00:24:27] MB: That reminds me of something that you’ve described the difference between kindness and civility, and I want to explore that. But actually, even before we do that, let's take one step back and say what in your mind and we’ve danced around this. I don’t know if we’ve directly looked at it but what is kindness? Then maybe after that, how is that different from civility?

[00:24:49] GVR: To me, first of all, kindness is innate. It’s something that is actually truly not learned. We can copy it because we see something that someone else does. Of course, the more kindness we see around us, the more it becomes prevalent for us to repeat it because we do have a little bit that monkey behavior, right? What we see around us we do propagate. That’s one. But civility, what I call nice, right? Nice versus kind. Well, nice is something your parents teach you. They teach you values and standards, right? Standard is your government, your society that says, “Okay, we are not going to drive through a green light,” for example. That's a rule and regulation that your government sets. That’s a standard. Then your parents teach you to hold open the door for an elderly. Your parents teach you to not eat with a mouthful, to not smack your lips when you’re eating or to go, “Yum, that was delicious,” or to do it a little more polite. That’s the civility.

Now, what’s very, very funny, Matt, is I meet people that say, “Hey! I stood up for an elderly in the busy Metro in New York City,” and I go, “Wonderful.” Then they go, “Yeah. But, hey! You were the kindness expert. You’re supposed to tell me that I was awesome.” I said, “Sorry, no. You should do this every day.” “Yes,” the person says, “But I don't understand. This is kind, right?” “No,” I said, “Kind is going the step above civility.” First of all, you have to do one thing. Get your nose out of your device because to be kind, you have to see the need. Our slogan is one moment, one person, one kindness. 

Think of it. You’re sitting in the Metro or you're in a restaurant. You’re anywhere where there are people. You need to see something happening, like someone that is sad, someone that is struggling to pay seven cents more at the cash register because that's what they're exactly missing to be able to pay whatever it is that they're trying to pay. If you see that, it’d be logical that I would say, “Hey! I have those seven cents for you,” to a total stranger, right? Or I could say, “No worries. Let me get you another cup of coffee,” if it fell on the floor. All those little things we can really help people in being kind. By doing that, you actually lift them up. 

In civility, you put a smile on their face by standing up. But in kindness, I think you lift them up. I jokingly say and I need it. I say jokingly that when you were kind to someone, you grow an inch. I mean that because inside of you something shifts for the person that gives the kindness. You’re kind of like that child that goes, “Hmm, I’m proud I did that.” You have that little, “Hmm.” Then when you look back, you turn your head. You see that the person that you gave the kindness to, their step is stronger. They bounce a little bit more. That makes you, in turn, also very happy. It’s a win-win. Both people gain an inch. Because I’m 4’11”, I need an inch. 

[00:28:25] MB: Yeah. That’s such a great point and this idea that really by being kind to people we experience more positive emotions. We put ourselves on an upward spiral. Simultaneously, you can create the same change in someone else, and so it's really a win-win for everybody. 

[00:28:41] GVR: Absolutely. Think of it. This is why kindness is so important. When that person comes home, you saw the coffee fall and you just went out of your way to get another coffee for them, to lift them up, to get them literally off the floor or get the mess squared away. Think of that moment. Think that person goes home and says to their partners, “Oh, my goodness. This is what happened today.” That’s how much you have affected that person. They will not talk about all of the negative things that happened to them that day. They will talk about that one thing that stood out. Do you agree?

[00:29:24] MB: Yeah, absolutely. It can – One kind act can often wash away a lot of negative experiences. 

[00:29:31] GVR: That’s how I believe that we change behavior. If we change behavior – See, for example, in a sports arena, right? Let's take the NBA. Let’s take Federer, fantastic tennis player. Any one of these athletes, I call them pure talent, right? I don't know how they do it. I don't know how many basketballs they get straight into the hoop. It's just amazing to me when I see them on the courts. All of us, there is not one single human being that doesn't agree with me that they show talent, and we seem to have a disregard for everyone that doesn’t have talent, which is commonality, 90% of all of us. We’re just the everyday person that is walking around. But if we could treat that person with that same respect, with that same civility that we would give to the talent person, wow, can you imagine? 

Think of the Olympics. When we are in the Olympics and you look at all the people that visit the Olympics, there are like throngs of people watching ice-skating, for example, the speed skating. This shows that I'm really Dutch because I’ve watched the speed skating and because the Dutch are always in there in the first three, right? They always win the medal. It doesn’t matter who wins. Who see that the person next to you stands there and he might be Russian and you don’t understand a word of what he said. But you see his face light up when one of their athletes do really well. It doesn’t matter that your team just lost. You start cheering for the next one, and that kind of behavior is exactly what I'm talking about, if we could still behavior into us instead of only. 

Every two years, during an Olympic event, whether it's the Summer Olympics or the Winter Olympics or whether it's a big NBA game. If we could instill that on a regular basis to all of us without anything natural bad happening to us, then we have a win-win situation. 

[00:31:56] MB: You've shared a couple examples already, but I'd love to hear some practical tips or strategies for if you’re either in a bad mood or you’re angry, frustrated, fearful. How can you pivot that into a place of kindness? 

[00:32:11] GVR: The first thing – We hate doing this by the way. What I’m going to say now to you and your listeners is totally not something we do. I do it all the time with the people that I work with. If you’re in a bad mood or you didn’t sleep enough or just basically stressed, it can happen to anyone, communicate. We continue action reaction if we don't communicate. So I come to work and I say, “Hey, guys! I’m having a really bad day today. Can someone have my back?” You should see what happens. It’s amazing. All your colleagues just jump, because they get it. They’re really surprised that you say it, and it doesn’t necessitate an explanation. It doesn’t need a defense. It doesn’t need anything. Nobody is going to ask you why. They understand that you need downtime and they got your back. Now, that's one way to avoid it. 

Now, I’m going to just give you an example in the boardroom. This happens a lot, when you throw your colleague under the bus. I’ll give you an example. A project needs to be finished, and you’re working with four or five people on it, and you got the boss and all of you guys as a team are in that boardroom. One of you didn't do it, and that means that whoever the project goes from. The graphic designer to maybe the web designer to someone else, and it just keeps going. You didn't get it on time, so your part of the project is not finished. You turn around really snippy and say, “[inaudible 00:33:47]. Mr. so-and-so didn't do it as always,” and you just threw him under the bus.

But what if you did it differently and what if you could say in the boardroom, “Hey! I didn't finish that on time. May I have it to you by 4:00 today? Promise.” The eyes of that person that knows he or she was at fault, that colleague, you have the best colleague in your entire future now, because he or she knows that you did not throw – I mean, he will high-five you. They are happy. They are amazed. They look at your behavior and go, “Wow, man! Thank you. Thank you because I just couldn’t have afforded another bad point here at work.” Then you might just ask him, “Hey! Why does this happen so often?” Now that he knows that you have his or her back, they will tell you the truth, and that truth is very vulnerable. It might be that his wife is sick or his mom is dying or something going on that you had no idea about. 

Before you know it, there's a real relationship because the truth is we work with people that we have no relationship with. We know nothing about them. We think we do but we don’t. 

[00:35:13] MB: Yeah. That’s such a great example and in many ways comes back to something you said earlier that I thought was really important, which is this idea of taking responsibility instead of blaming other people. Not only in the example of the work example that you just gave but even for your own well-being, for your own emotional state and not pinning it on other people who really are saying, “You know what? I’m going to take responsibility and I’m going to be kind today or I’m going to take my responsibility for making sure that I try to spread kindness and that I try to create positivity,” as opposed to just being, “Oh, something happened. I'm in a bad mood,” and being in a state of reactivity. 

[00:35:47] GVR: Absolutely. Reactivity is exhaustive. I know this as a fact because like I said I was very honest about it. I had a chip on my shoulder during my teenage years and let's say from 20 till just 28, 27 that I really – When I’m 24, 25, I started realizing that if I kept doing this, I was going to have the same results. By just being nice and ignoring this question that I'm not Dutch, it just kind of went away. You know what it [inaudible 00:36:22]? It just – People see your attitude back and kind of go, “Well, does it really matter,” and they go on, right? You open the gates for a real relationship and you defuse by your behavior. You defuse anything, and it’s really that simple. But what you have to do, and maybe this is the most important tip, you have to take that deep breath. It’s up to you what you do. I just take literally a gulp of breath and just hold it and just smile and just say this is not about me. 

My second tip is learn to listen. We don't listen. We listen by in our heads already having the answer and the rebuttal back as if we’re lawyers literally. If someone tells you – My dad recently passed away. So if I told someone, “Oh, the funeral really went very well,” before you know it, five other colleagues interrupt and all tell me about funeral stories. But what they did is they took it away from the person that really needed to tell you something. They needed to share some of their sadness, and this is why I think people get into such foul moods, because they’re holding all these pent up emotions inside of them that they can never get rid of. 

[00:37:54] MB: For listeners who want to take action to concretely implement some of the things we’ve talked about to bring more kindness in their lives, what would be one action step or piece of homework that you would give them to really start to live some of these things?

[00:38:08] GVR: Start by helping someone else. It's always easier helping someone else than helping yourself. By helping someone else, you’re going to start learning how to do that for yourself too, because kindness starts with you. So take that deep breath when someone is rude and think in your head immediately, “This person is struggling with something, and I’m going to make their day because it's that easy.” That's one. The second one is don't throw your colleagues under the bus. Take responsibility. The third one, do not be reactive. Anyone, anyone really is a kindness instigator. We are all instigators. Sometimes good, sometimes not so good, but most of the time we are kind. I really believe that if you make kindness a choice, together we can change humanity. 

[00:39:01] MB: Gabriella, where can listeners find more about you and your work online?

[00:39:06] GVR: Everywhere. Just do the #DareToBeKind. daretobekindmovement.global is our websites. Nobody can pronounce my last name except Matt, because he did a really good job. Do gabriella.global. Find our more. I mean, my phone is literally available. It's on the Internet everywhere. I will speak to you anywhere in the world if you have a problem or if you feel really that you’re stuck. I feel that if we pull together, we can make things happen. We can be so successful ourselves but as a group, as a community, and that will spill over to the rest of the world. 

[00:39:48] MB: Well, Gabriella, thank you so much for coming on the show, for sharing your story, and all of the wisdom that’s come out of it. 

[00:39:56] GVR: Thank you so much, Matt. I really appreciate it.

[00:39:59] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created the show to help you, our listeners, master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an email. My email is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I'd love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener email. I'm going to give you three reasons why you should sign up for our email list today by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the homepage. There are some incredible stuff that’s only available to those on the email list, so be sure to sign up, including an exclusive curated weekly email from us called Mindset Monday, which is short, simple, filled with articles, stories, things that we found interesting and fascinating in the world of evidence-based growth in the last week.

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Remember, the greatest compliment you can give us as a referral to a friend, either live or online. If you enjoyed this episode, please leave us an awesome review and subscribe on iTunes, because that helps boost the algorithm that helps us move up the iTunes rankings and helps more people discover the Science of Success. Don't forget, if you want to get all the incredible information we talk on the show, links, transcripts, everything we discussed and much more, be sure to check out our show notes. You can get those at successpodcast.com just at the show notes button right at the top. Thanks again and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.

April 23, 2020 /Lace Gilger
Influence & Communication, Emotional Intelligence
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Sorry Not Sorry - The Truth About Apologies with Sean O’Meara

February 20, 2020 by Lace Gilger in Emotional Intelligence, Influence & Communication

We’re sorry about this episode.. or rather.. this episode is about BEING sorry. When should you say sorry and when should you stand your ground? What makes an apology meaningful? We uncover the truth about apologies with our guest Sean O’Meara. 

Sean O’Meara is the founder and Managing Director of Essential Content, a specialist content, and PR agency. He is also the co-author of The Apology Impulse: How the Business World Ruined Sorry and Why We Can’t Stop Saying It. He has worked with organizations including the BBC, Trello, Co-op Bank, and many more!

  • Why do we live in such a culture of apology?

  • Social media has given consumers access to brands, which has created a lot more accountability for brands. 

  • Most of the time, nothing bad happens if you don’t say sorry. 

  • How to deal with criticism

  • Ask yourself seriously if you’re at fault

  • If you aren’t at fault:

  • Explain the situation

  • Offer sympathy 

  • If you are sorry:

  • Decide how sorry you are. 

  • Decide what you’re going to do about it. 

  • The best apologies have the crucial ingredient of action or change going forward. 

  • An apology without action is useless. 

  • Contrition exists on a scale - you can be varying degrees of sorry. 

  • The more you over apologize, the more you devalue the concept of being sorry. 

  • The word sorry has been cheapened and devalued in today’s world. 

  • You can outsource your apology in Japan. 

  • The “spotlight” effect and how criticism can create a dynamic of feeling like there is much more under the surface. 

  • The Power of NOT saying sorry all the time. 

  • “Nothing attracts a crowd like a crowd”

  • There’s often lots of people sitting silently that think “don’t apologize!”

  • “Alienation marketing”

  • How do we decide when we should say sorry and when we shouldn’t? 

  • Sometimes it’s best to wait before apologizing, instead of jumping the gun

  • How you can mess up your apologies

  • Using the passive voice messes up your apologies. “Mistakes were made” instead of “we made a mistake.”

  • “Schrodinger’s Apology”

  • What can we learn from the Tylenol poisoning crisis?

  • If you focus on actually fixing it, instead of protecting your reputation, your reputation stays protected. 

  • Homework: Have a crisis management plan before you need one. What to do when you fail, and what to do when people think you’ve failed but you haven’t.

  • What are you accountable for? 

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Want To Dig In More?! - Here’s The Show Notes, Links, & Research

General

  • Sean’s website

  • Sean’s LinkedIn and Twitter

Media

  • GritDaily - “How Brands Ruined “Sorry” in 2019” by Sean O'Meara 

  • City A.M. - “Sorry not sorry: End the apology culture in business” by Sean O’Meara

  • Kogan Page - How Your Company Shouldn’t Apologize

    • Getting the Timing Right: When Should a Business Say Sorry?

    • Quick Fire Buzz Wire with Sean O’meara

  • Home Business Mag - “Office Missteps? Three Steps to Saying Sorry at Work” By Sean O’Meara

  • Recruiter - “The Apology Response Plan: 3 Questions to Ask Before Responding to Criticism of Your Company” by Sean O’Meara

  • Fast Company - “How to address an issue without saying ‘I’m sorry’” By Stephanie Vozza 

  • Open Business Council - “Viral News, Outrage Culture and ‘Fauxpologies’: The Book That Shows How Business Has Ruined ‘Sorry’” By OpenbusinessCouncil

  • MyCustomer - “‘Outrage capitalism’ and the unexpected benefits of not saying sorry to customers” by Sean O’Meara

  • Vox - “Why are brands so bad at apologizing?” By Terry Nguyen

  • Trello - “Fight Or Flight? How To Channel Your Work Anxiety In A Productive Way” by Sean O’Meara

    • “Is Your Quirky Job Title Damaging Your Productivity?” by Sean O’Meara

    • “Why Slacking Off Can Speed Up Your Productivity” by Sean O’Meara

  • The Telegraph - “Sorry seems to be the easiest word: Justin Trudeau, and the art of the political apology” by Sean O’Meara

  • [Podcast] The Entrepreneur Way - 1444: Having the Right Idea at the Right time with Sean O’Meara Founder and Owner of Essential Content Ltd

  • [Podcast] Business Innovators Radio Network - Mike Saunders Interviews Sean O’Meara Co-Author of The Apology Impulse – How the Business World Ruined Sorry and Why We Can’t Stop Saying It.

Videos

  • Kogan Page - How Your Company Shouldn’t Apologize | Sean O'Meara

Books

  • The Apology Impulse: How the Business World Ruined Sorry and Why We Can’t Stop Saying It by Cary Cooper and Sean O'Meara

Episode Transcript

[00:00:04.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[0:00:11.8] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success; the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the Internet with more than five million downloads and listeners in over a hundred countries.

This episode is about saying you're sorry. When should you say sorry and when should you stand your ground? What truly makes an apology meaningful? We uncover all of this and the truth about apologies with our guest, Sean O'Meara.

Are you a fan of the show and have you been enjoying the content that we put together for you? If you have, I would love it if you signed up for our e-mail list. We have some amazing content on there, along with a really great free course that we put a ton of time into called How To Create Time for What Matters Most In Your Life. If that sounds exciting and interesting and you want a bunch of other free goodies and giveaways along with that, just go to successpodcast.com. You can sign up right on the homepage. That’s successpodcast.com. Or if you’re on your phone right now, all you have to do is text the word smarter, that’s S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44-222.

In our previous episode, we had two guests discuss the light side and the dark side of influence. If you want to use Jedi mind tricks to influence others, listen to our previous episode.

Now for our interview with Sean.

[0:01:37.5] MB: Sean O'Meara is the Founder and Managing Director of Essential Content, a specialist content and PR agency. He's also the co-author of Apology Impulse. How the Business World Ruined Sorry and Why We Can't Stop Saying It. He has worked with organizations including the BBC, Trello, Co-op Bank and many more. Sean, welcome to the Science of Success.

[0:01:58.2] SO: Hey, Matt. Thanks for having me on.

[0:02:00.1] MB: Well, we're excited to have you on here today. I'd love to start with a bigger question, which is really in many ways we almost live today in a culture of apology. Your book really strikes at that in many ways. I'm curious, how did you pick this topic to really delve into and why do you think that culture has really emerged in our society?

[0:02:27.0] SO: I think there are two main reasons why we're now seeing and hearing a lot more apologies. They're both social trends or social movements. The first kind of accelerant of the public apology frequency that we're getting now in our news is to do with social media. Social media is giving consumers two really important things, given them access to brands, whereas before social media if you wanted to raise an issue with a brand, it took a little bit of effort. You would have to write a letter, or ring the head office. Now you can literally do it via your phone in a few taps.

We've got greater accessibility to brands. That has given the consumer much more accountability. The brands now, they figured out over the past few years that they have to answer to consumers. What's actually happened I think has been a little bit of an overcorrection. Social media was good, because it did provide accountability. The pendulum has swung a little bit too far the other way and now brands, instead of providing reasonable accountability and ensuring that consumers are mistreated, what we see is brands groveling and apologizing when really, they don't owe anybody an apology.

The reason myself and Professor Cary Cooper wrote this book was because we've worked together on articles in the past. I'm a publicist by trade, so my whole career is based around protecting reputations. Something happened a couple of years ago that with a client of mine that really changed my thinking on the concept of the corporate apology. I went over and spoke to carry about it. What happened was this client family-run business in logistics sector and they offered relocation services, shipping, storage, removals.

They'd received a complaint from a customer who'd said, he tried to ship some tools from London to New Zealand. The tools got held up in customs. Now he'd flown over. He'd got a – he was a very specialized engineer, he'd gone over for a job. He couldn't get his tools. They weren't easily accessible on the retail market. He couldn't just go and buy some replacements, so he was stuck.

It turns out, I spoke to my client and my first piece of advice was well, we need to apologize. He said, “Well, I don't want to apologize, because we as policy, we advise all client to ensure that their customs paperwork is correct and we give them as much help as possible. Now we spoke to this customer a couple of times to warn them that their customs declarations weren't quite right and it's something that the customer has to do for themselves.” Long story short, the client had said, “If I apologize, I'm effectively accepting blame for something that A, wasn't my fault and B, was something that I warned the customer about.”

Against my better judgment at the time I said, “Okay,” because the client really didn't want to apologize. I said, “What do we do if we're not going to apologize?” He said, “Well, why don't we explain?” We responded to the customer, because they escalated their grievance from angry e-mails to Twitter. The client’s reputation was beginning to suffer, the longer we didn't say anything. I was overruled as a publicist and the client said – here’s what I want to say. I don't want to say it unsympathetic, but I also don't want to appear that my company has done anything wrong.

We responded to the client and we said – we deliberately didn't say sorry and we said, “We appreciate that this is highly convenient for you, although we did really try to press on you the importance of this paperwork. Because you didn't complete this paperwork that you now don't have access to your tools.” Then I sat back and I braced myself for a barrage of hate. This was in the public arena. People were able to see these tweets. This guy was – he was tagging other people in. I was very prepared for it to go south from there.

What surprised me and made me change my thinking on not just apologizing, but on reputation management in general was sometimes, in fact most of the time, nothing bad happens if you don't say sorry. That then – it tuned me in to other apologies. I started looking at other brands. Every day, there would be a brand saying sorry for something that I thought – we don't mean that. There is no way on earth you are actually sorry. This is a quite clear public relations exercise.

I then rewrote my own guidance to my clients on how to deal with criticism, because that is where the corporate apology comes from. It may have escaped me, but I've never witnessed an apology that just came out of the blue that could have been concealed. Brands only apologized when their conduct is known. The consumer has become the brand's conscience.

What I started to do was advise my clients to follow a step-by-step process to deal with criticism. The first step is ask yourself sincerely, are you at fault? Are you actually sorry? Then if the answer is no, follow these steps. They involve explaining the situation, offering to help and showing sympathy and crucially not saying sorry. If on the other hand the client is at fault and they do owe somebody an apology, there is there is a step-by-step process of doing that. The first step is decide how sorry you are. A point we try to make really, really clearly in the book is that contrition exists on a spectrum.

There is a huge difference between “Sorry, your delivery was late,” versus “Sorry, there was a fault in this car that caused it crashing and sustained injury.” The more you over-apologize, the more you devalue the actual concept of being sorry. You see brands are always extremely sorry. They can't help themselves by dialing up the intensity on their apology. The first step is are we sorry? Yes, or no. The second step is how sorry. The third step is what we’re going to do about it. Because an apology isn't worth anything if it's just words. There needs to be action. You need to communicate to a customer, or an audience. “We acknowledge that we failed and here's what we're going to do to put it right.” The best apologies always have that crucial ingredient of this is what you can expect from us going forward.

A really nice example of that was JetBlue in I think 2004. They'd had a huge operational failure and lots of people were stranded in airports that they didn't want to be stranded in. Thousands of customers were upset. Not only were these customers in the wrong place, there were other customers watching how JetBlue handled it.

Their CEO David Neeleman made what I would describe as the first social media apology. He made a YouTube video apologizing and also saying, “This will never happen again, because we are doing this and here's what you can expect from us.” They actually wrote a customer Bill of Rights, published it on their website and it's been on their website ever since.

The thinking behind the book was we as publicists and business communicators are going to – we're going to really wear out the value of the word ‘sorry’ if we keep going the way we're going. Customer trust is going to just tank and we aren't going to have any effective tools for crisis management for handling criticism and for building trust. I wanted to along with Cary, my co-author, write a book that could effectively rescue ‘sorry’ from obscurity before the customer, consumer trust in the word disappeared completely.

[0:11:24.4] MB: That's a great insight. Do you feel in today's world that ‘sorry’ has been already cheapened and devalued in some ways?

[0:11:36.4] SO: I do. In both contexts, I think in interpersonal relationships, especially in in certain cultures. I'm from the UK and we're famous for using ‘sorry’ as a social lubricant. I've noticed this for years and I now – I work really hard not to say sorry when I mean something else. A couple years ago, I was standing on a train platform early in the morning. There was me and there was one other guy on the platform. He came over and the first word out of his mouth was, “Sorry.” Then he said, “Sorry, do you know if this train goes to the airport?”

Now that's really common here. ‘Sorry’ is the icebreaker. Obviously, the guy had nothing to apologize for really, other than breaking the social convention of interrupting me from staring at my phone, or whatever else I would do. The train did go to the airport so I said, “Yeah, the next train goes to the airport,” and we both got on with our lives. I spent the rest of the day paying attention to how many times people apologize.

People in the UK are weirdly proud of this quirky awkwardness, where they say sorry when they don't mean it. I don't think we deserve to be proud of that. I spend quite a lot of time in Spain where my parents live. People in Spain don't think it's cute and people in America – a friend of mine lives in Dallas. I remember noting the difference. I was over there for is wedding. I was there for a good couple of weeks. Americans seem to have a lot more vocabulary for those little moments, those little, “Excuse me. Do you mind? Can I interrupt you for one second?” Kind of interactions. Whereas in the UK, it's always ‘sorry’. You'd be amazed at how many people start a conversation with the word ‘sorry’ and then go on to talk about something that isn't an apology.

That said the UK are the worst in terms of apologizing. From the research we've done in the book, we are the sorriest culture. I think Japan has a very unique and interesting relationship with contrition. You can actually outsource your apology in Japan. There are apology agencies, which will go and apologize for you and looking into why that is. Cary, the co-author, reserved, renowned psychologist, he had some insights on this anyway. A lot of it is to do with population density. If big cities in Japan are crowded, people are on the subway. There's a lot of small micro-interactions.

The other thing is on a culture. Some cultures are a little bit more relaxed about minor social transgressions. Different countries in Europe are very different about how they deal with for example, getting in somebody's way on the streets, or holding a door versus not holding a door. Other cultures are very, very fixated and they really value those very small gestures.

I think a lot of work has already been done to devalue the apology. I think everybody is guilty of it to a degree. I'm sure and I've done it. I'm sure you've done it. You've apologized when you weren't sorry, just to placate somebody who was upset.

We have devalued it. We are in danger of – it's a little bit like a currency. The more of currency that you issue, the lower the value becomes, just because you're dealing in scarcity versus abundance. If something is available everywhere, people don't value it. If something is rare, it's a little bit more special. In terms of that's my original point of the two ways we've done it. As individuals, we do it all the time, we over apologize and we apologize when we don't need to. Corporations have really taken that theme and run with it, and it's become especially true in the past few years, not just because of social media, but because of what's – I mean, I don't like the term, but I guess the closest thing to it would be call-out culture.

What we've noticed is before social media, a brand was – they had a few responsibilities and they all related to your rights as a consumer. You would expect to be charged the right amount of money, you would expect to receive a certain level of service, you would expect your product not to be faulty. If those things didn't happen, you could expect an apology.

Nowadays and it's a combination of clickbait, the desire to find, to see outrage wherever it is; social media amplifying that. Brands are now accountable for consumers’ feelings, which is really dangerous because rights are absolute. You know what your consumer rights are and you know as an organization which rights you have to respect. With feelings, it's different for every consumer. What we notice with these high-profile corporate apologies is more often than not, they're to do with feelings, rather than rights.

Thinking back to a couple of years ago, it was Dove, cosmetics brand. They had to apologize for a advertising campaign that they launched. Now what happened is they've got a range of different models in the advert, they had black models, Asian, white. It was very diverse cast of models. The general gist of the advert is model A takes off her sweater. As she's taking it off, model B appears.

It's a little bit like the Michael Jackson video for black or white, where the edit switches. As the sweater goes over the head, the head that comes out is the next model, which is fine. There's nothing wrong with that, but there was a clip that circulated that was edited misleadingly, which made it look like a black model had used Dove so and then became a white model. The implication being that it was a throwback to the really old offensive soap adverts that did actually use before-and-after models in a racist way.

Now Dove is a huge brand. They spend more than – Procter & Gamble I think it is who owned them, spend more than anyone else in the world in advertising. They're not stupid. They're not going to decide one day, “Hey, let's go and trash our reputation and create a racist advert.” They're not going to do that. But because of the fact that consumers were able to interpret it wrongly and often deliberately wrongly, that was enough for Dove to A, feel that they owed an apology to their consumers and B, to withdraw the entire campaign.

Now that is hugely costly, because not only do they have to – they'll have already paid for the advertising space, the airtime. They're going to pay for that again when they put out the new advert, they're going to have to create a new advert, they’re going to have to focus group it. They're then going to have to be really, really careful, hyper vigilant about the reaction to the next advert.

What they could have done is say, “This clip that you're seeing doesn't represent the advert. It's been edited in a certain way. This isn't the message of the advert. We would never create an advert that was even close to suggesting what people think it's suggesting. Here's the real thing.” They would have gotten some friction from that. There would have been push back. What they were apologizing for really when you cut the fat from the messaging was, “Wait. We're sorry that you were able to misinterpret our advert. We didn't got in enough effort to make it so pure and so squeaky clean that there was no possible misinterpretation.”

That happens an awful lot. Brands will – they’ll do something with the best intentions and consumers love looking for flaws in things. They will go, “Oh, hey. This could offend this demographic, or this is wrong because I'm offended personally me as one person.” Instead of the brand's being a little bit resilient and saying, “Well, it's not what we meant. This is what we meant,” and explaining the default response to criticism, especially around what we call in the book cultural criticism, is to put that fire out immediately with a big bucket of cold water and that cold water is the apology.

It never works, because it's like a signal. It's an invitation for more criticism. There is a pattern to this. The media play a really key part in amplifying these situations. They usually start off with one or two criticisms, then the media will report on those criticisms and nine times out of 10, they will approach the branding question. That brand then has a decision to make. They can either refuse to apologize and the headline is brand refuses to apologize for advert that offended consumers, or brand apologizes for offensive advert.

Either way, the media has their headline. I'm talking about the viral news media here, who are not necessarily in the business of reporting hard facts and verifying things and asking questions. Just three tweets is enough for it to be reported as an outrage. The media will do that, because they know people will click on those headlines and they know people will click on those headlines whether they agree or disagree with what the brand did and whether they agree or disagree with the fact that the brand apologized.

[0:22:14.5] MB: Yeah, it's a very fraught dynamic in many ways.

[0:22:18.2] SO: It is. I feel sorry for my fellow publicists, because they have a set of tools at their disposal. I guess when everything looks like a crisis, the tool you're going to reach for is an apology. That’s to do with a spotlight effect of the bias of well, 20 people are shouting at me on the Internet. Therefore, there must be 20 million people reading this. There's been studies into this about criticism creating a perception of greater attention.

When people receive criticism, they think it's reaching a bigger audience than when they receive praise. I can totally relate to the social media manager who is looking after a brand account. They get that tweet that says – usually it's something, let's say, I don't know, Pepsi. The tweet will be something like, “Really Pepsi? You thought this was okay?” Then it will tag in a few slightly higher profile Twitter accounts. It only takes one of those other Twitter accounts to respond and go, “Oh, my God. I can't believe Pepsi thought this was okay.” An advert and it actually did happen to Pepsi with the Kendall Jenner advert a couple years ago, which they apologized for.

There's a value chain. It will be a consumer that spots something that they don't like, they will then usually tweet or make a YouTube video about it. Then what they're doing is they're – nothing attracts a crowd like a crowd. The minute they get a blue tick verified Twitter account to join in, that brand is then in trouble. What I'm urging brands to do is take a leaf out of Protein World's book. Protein World is a UK-based supplement brand. They had an advert. I can't remember the year. I think it was 2017 on the London underground network. It’s a swimwear model, very fit, athletic-looking model in a bikini. The slogan was “Are you beach body ready?” It was an advert for getting fit; was a weight loss product. Makes sense that they would use a athletic model.

People didn't like the advert. They were defacing them. There were protest marches. There were all sorts of hashtags. It looked just – it was the perfect storm and everybody was expecting Protein World to say, “We're sorry. We didn't mean to offend. We've misjudged. We're going to withdraw the advert.” What they did was the opposite of that. They doubled down and said, “Well, if you're offended by people who are healthy, then that's your problem.”

The reason that I encourage people to just, I'm not saying behave like Protein World, because they are deliberately provocative. Just go and look at how they handled that crisis. They took the time to think, “Are we culpable in any way here?” Then when they were sure of themselves that, “No, we haven't done anything wrong. There is nothing wrong with an athletic swimwear, a model advertising our product.” They used the negative energy that was coming towards them as a positive and what they knew that a lot of brands didn't know is that for every voice criticizing them, there were 10 people silently sitting there going, “I hope they don't apologize actually, because this is ridiculous.” In the book we called that alienation marketing.

If you're the person that buys a protein supplement, you're probably the person that goes to the gym. If you go to the gym and you're invested in that enough to buy a supplement, you're probably in good shape, or you want to be in good shape, so you're not going to be offended by the idea that a sports/swimwear model is advertising a product. You're probably going to be more offended by the idea that she shouldn't be advertising that product.

Protein World, they've got a whole chapter in the book dedicated to how they handled it, because not only did they not apologize, they turned that “crisis” into a huge marketing win. I think – I'm just trying to recall the figures. Their head of marketing said that they did – it took them four days to do a million extra pounds in sales, because of the free publicity that the outrage was causing.

While everybody was saying, “Oh, they should sack their PR guy. They should throw their marketing strategy in the bin,” they were actually just sitting back, letting that the cash registers ring and watching the money flow in. It was because they knew who their customer was. There is a benefit to not saying sorry and there are a 101 downsides to saying sorry when you shouldn't.

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[0:28:56.6] MB: For both businesses and also individuals and these may be different answers, but how should we think about when to say sorry and when to stand our ground?

[0:29:06.5] SO: The timing of it is actually really interesting. In terms of when to say sorry, my personal philosophy on that is say sorry A, if you've done something wrong and B, you are actually sorry. If you apologize for anything, you're eventually going to lose trust. If it's a relationship, let's say it’s your spouse, or one of your parents, if one of you is always saying sorry, at some point the mask is going to slip and people are going to realize, “They're not really sorry. They're just saying it.”

In terms of how I advise my clients when to say sorry, if you failed in a meaningful way, then you should say sorry, but you don't have to do it immediately. You are allowed to think about it. There's a study and the title is Better Late than Early. I would encourage people to go and look at this study. It's about the timing of apologies. The title of our book The Apology Impulse refers to impulsive apologies. You hear a criticism, you say sorry.

The science suggests that actually when you do owe an apology, if you leave it, if there is a gap between your transgression and your apology, the recipient of the apology feels better about the situation. Instant reflexive apologies are perceived as insincere. There is a sweet spot. If you leave it too long, the person that you owe the apology to will think that you've forgotten about it. If you do it too soon, it will look impulsive.

There's a sweet spot somewhere in the middle that suggests that you've engaged in a period of self-examination. You've actually put some thought into it. I used the hypothetical example of Donald Trump. If he called a press conference tomorrow and said, “I've been thinking about 2016 and how I spoke about Hillary Clinton. I think I owe Hillary an apology.” People's heads would explode. Not only because it's Donald Trump and he's not known for self-examination and saying sorry, but also because that would be a really sincere apology, because what's he got to gain from it now? Nothing.

If he'd apologized at the time when people are saying, “You should apologize to Hillary,” the second the word ‘sorry’ left his mouth, people would have rejected it. If he did it now, there's something in that. There is value in taking away what you've done and thinking about it. Some of the best corporate apologies have come after a period of it could be a few months.

Mitsubishi apologized. I think it was for something – Mitsubishi used prisoner of war labor in World War II and never said sorry for it. Then obviously, they've had dozens of CEOs since that happened. I think it was 2015, around that time, they decided that they did those people an apology. Now suddenly, a lot of those people had died, so they actually struggled to find somebody to accept the apology.

The person they found, he was in a difficult situation, because he was not only being asked to accept an apology to him, but he was being asked to accept an apology on behalf of people who weren't around to accept, or reject the apology. He said that Mitsubishi wanted to fly him over. I think he was based in San Francisco. They wanted to apologize personally and they're willing to pay for his transport and they were going to show him what they were doing to make it right. I felt sorry for that guy as well, because he had a lot of pressure on him to say to Mitsubishi, “It’s okay. We, the people who you're now trying to apologize to, forgive you.” He couldn't speak for everybody.

The interesting thing about that apology was it took forever. It was the same with the makers of Thalidomide. It’s a morning sickness drug that caused deformities in babies. They took, I think it was 50 years. I think they actually picked the 50-year anniversary of the scandal coming out to actually issue a proper apology.

Now there’s two ways of looking at that. You could look at it and go, “It's good they apologized and they should have come sooner.” Or you could say, “Well, at least they’ve put some thought into this.” This isn't a public relations exercise, because the makers of that drug have been making drugs – for the past 50 years, the scandal didn't affect them massively. They were they were still making drugs, still making lots of money, so they couldn't be accused of, “Oh, you're only apologizing now because customers are leaving you.” That wasn't what it was about. It’s a genuine attempt to put things right.

In terms of timing, it is really interesting. In terms of how to get there, there's a lot of work that should go on behind the scenes. Like I said earlier, the apology is only part of it. You need a path to recovery and you need to regain trust as well. It's what you do once you've said sorry, or what you say you're going to do that matters, as much as how you say sorry. How you say sorry can – it can be the difference between another PR exercise that people forget, or actually damages your reputation. Or it can be the start of improving your reputation.

Some brands have actually improved perceptions of themselves by how they apologized. There are lots of ways you can mess up your apology and we explore these in the book. One example that really, really gets – really annoys me is using the passive voice. You've been criticized and you want to address it. It's really tempting for communicators, professional communicators to say things like, “Mistakes were made, products were faulty.” Instead of saying, “We made a mistake, or our products were faulty.” It's a very subtle, but very manipulative use of language, kind of sneaky, where by using that passive voice, you're putting a little bit of distance between you, the agent of failure and the act, the thing that went wrong. Passive voice is always a red flag for an insincere apology.

Another huge red flag is what we call in the book Schrodinger's apology, where the apologizer will give themselves a character reference before they get to the apology. Now a little thought experiment; if you get an e-mail tomorrow and it's from your bank and you're just scanning it and you see the words, “We take the protection of your data very seriously,” you could put money on the fact that there is a ‘but’ coming and it's about to tell you, “But we advise that you change your password, or you check your recent transactions.”

These statements, these self-elevating pats on the back that companies gives them, give themselves, they always cloud the meaning of an apology. It's one of the most common ways an apology can fail. There was a case a few years ago in Toronto and it was a drug testing facility. They were contracted by local government to conduct drug tests on parents who'd had their children taken away.

Part of the process of being reunited with their children was to test negatively for certain drugs over a certain period of time. The problem was these tests were not accurate and there were a number of and it was pretty much all mothers, who'd had their children removed on the basis of these tests. Then it was later found that those tests were inaccurate. This was a huge, huge scandal. These mothers had done what they were supposed to do, they'd got help with their addictions and these tests failed them. They'd lost their children on the basis of this company producing inaccurate drug testing results.

When the court case is over and the CEO of that company had to apologize, the first words out of his mouth were, “We take the –” Something like, we – Ah, this was it. “We have the highest standards of da, da, da, da, da.” You don't get to say that when you're addressing your own failure, but so many brands will do that. They can't help. Just throwing in a little character reference for themselves, because they think it makes apology easier to swallow.

Actually, it really annoys consumers because they're not stupid. They can see through it. In fact, it's almost Pavlovian in that when you hear a company talking about “We have high standards of, or we care deeply about this,” you almost sense that they're about to tell you, “But we failed and we're sorry.” These corporate indulgences where the communicator, whether that's the CEO, whether that's the director of marketing, or whoever they are, the person in charge of communicating that message, there's a box of tricks that they'll go through and they’ll go, “Right. We've got to say sorry. How do we wriggle out of it? How do we make ourselves look good while saying sorry?”

If I'm advising these companies and I do tell all my clients this, is don't because consumers aren't stupid. You're just going to make your reputation suffer more than it is already. Just say sorry. Just lead with sorry. Explain why you failed, how you failed and how you're going to put it right. Don't say any more than that.

[0:39:26.8] MB: Yeah, that's a really good point. Just instead of hedging and qualifying an authentic apology is going to be a lot more impactful.

[0:39:35.7] SO: It is.

[0:39:36.4] MB: You said something earlier too that really bears repeating and it is quite important, which is that a part of a genuine apology, maybe one of the cornerstones of it is action. Grounding it into some action that you're actually going to take to really move the needle, or rectify the situation.

[0:39:55.1] SO: Yeah. I think the best example of this was the Tylenol poisoning crisis. Now we’re going back a few decades here. That is probably the case study in how to handle a crisis. The interesting thing about that, because it's often referred to as the best corporate apology there ever was. The really interesting thing is that James Burke, the CEO of Johnson & Johnson never said the word ‘sorry’. That's because he didn't need to. He was busy doing other things.

When you're trying to get your little packet of medication open and you go in through what seems like endless layers of protection, so there's this foil, there’s all that, that's because of the Tylenol poisoning crisis. Johnson & Johnson learned that they had a problem. Their product was being tampered with and people were dying and people were getting ill. They effectively switched off the public relations machine and said, “Right. All of our energy is going into fixing this.”

I mean, I think it was less than six months they'd created tamper-proof packaging. Now you don't need to hear the word ‘sorry’, if the company goes, “Right. You can now buy our product with confidence, because we've gone away and we've innovated and we fixed the problem.” I think if your focus is more on how do we fix it, rather than how do we protect our reputation, in a way where your reputation protects itself, if you're seen to be focused on the problem and protecting your consumers, then there will come a time when you can say, “Hey, we're sorry and here's what we've done to fix it, or here's what we're doing to fix it.”

If you're preoccupied with, “Okay, we're getting criticized. We need to put that fire out.” Your energy isn't on the problem. Your energy is on your own reputation. It's always been a case, but it's more – consumers really don't like that. It plays out differently depending on the industry you're in as well, because let's say there's a problem with Starbucks coffee beans. There's a batch that’s been – there's a bad batch, something like that, or even Starbucks have done an advert that is really distasteful. If you're a consumer, it's no real hardship for you to go, “Oh, well. I'm going to get my coffee from one of the hundred and one other takeaway coffee places within 20 minutes of where I work.” A Dunkin Donuts, or if you're in the UK, this Costa Nero. That is what is called a low-friction industry.

If I'm a consumer and I fall out with Starbucks, I've got choices. I can go elsewhere. If it's air travel is similar in that your airline annoys you enough, there are other airlines. If it's your bank, yes, there are other banks, or if it's your life insurance company. You do have options, but the friction to exercise that choice is so much higher. If your bank annoys you, you've got to close your account, you've got to find another account, you've got to redirect all of your payments you did. There will be mistakes, payments will get lost, you've got to tell everybody how to changed banks, here's my new bank details.

If you're a business, that is a huge operational undertaking. What you'll see in industries where it's more difficult for people to exercise their choice, with habit for apologizing is actually lower. That's because Starbucks know if we know enough people, they're going to move to one of our competitors. There is always somewhere else to buy a coffee and it's no hardship to walk an extra block past Starbucks down to the other guy that makes good coffee as well.

It happened with Uber a couple years ago. In the UK, Uber is the only game in town. If you want a ride-sharing service, there is no Lyft. Uber is the only company in the UK that does that. In the states, it’s just a little bit different. You've got Lyft in certain cities and probably nationwide now. When Uber fails, people can easily just dump Uber, which was the hashtag.

[0:44:31.2] MB: For listeners who want to concretely implement some of the things we've talked about today, what would be one action step, or a piece of homework that you would give them to begin implementing some of this into their lives?

[0:44:44.7] SO: The best thing that they can do is to have a plan before they need a plan. Have a crisis management strategy that includes what to do A, when you fail and B, when people think you failed, but you didn't fail. There is no worse time to try and come up with a crisis plan than when you were in crisis. If you are facing high volumes of criticism as a brand and you don't have a plan in place, you've already failed.

Now is the time to go in and write that plan and what are you accountable for, what are you not accountable for, what are your processes for recovering from failure and what are your processes for repairing damage with your customers and consumers.

[0:45:33.1] MB: Sean, where can listeners find you and the book and your work online?

[0:45:37.1] SO: I'm best found on Twitter. My handle is @SeanOmeara, which is S-E-A-N-O-M-E-A-R-A. The book is available in Barnes & Noble over there. It's also available if you're passing through an airport in WHSmith, which I believe have airport branches in America and also in Europe. They're probably the best places. My company website it is essentialcontent.co.uk and that’s my consultancy business and people can get in touch with me there and I'm happy to chat via e-mail about all things public relations and all things crisis.

[0:46:17.7] MB: Well Sean, thank you so much for coming on the show, for sharing these insights. It's very fascinating look at dealing with crisis.

[0:46:25.1] SO: Thanks, Matt. It was a pleasure.

[0:46:27.4] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners, master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.

February 20, 2020 /Lace Gilger
Emotional Intelligence, Influence & Communication
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Learn From Harvard’s Most Popular Course - From The Archives with Dr. Tal Ben Shahar

February 06, 2020 by Lace Gilger in Best Of, Emotional Intelligence

This week we’re bringing back one of the most impactful episodes from the archives of The Science of Success. We dig into the proven science of how we can live a happy life and the pitfalls that can throw us off track. The crazy thing about this research is it’s totally not what you’d think.

Dr. Tal Ben Shahar created the most popular course in Harvard University’s history. He is the best-selling author of several books including The Pursuit of Perfect, Happier, Choose The Life You Want, Even Happier. He’s also the co-founder and chief learning officer of The Wholebeing Institute, Potentialife, Maytiv, and Happier.TV.

We discuss:

  • What science shows is the The #1 Predictor of Happiness

  • How the direct pursuit of happiness can actually prevent you from being happy and makes you less happy

  • One of the most robust findings in the field of psychology research is about what creates happiness

  • The paradox of happiness - why pursuing it makes you less happy, and what you can do about it

  • Why the expectation that you should be happy all the time is a barrier to your own happiness

  • The “hamburger model” and how it can transform the way that you live your life

  • The lens that we can use to understand all of our “happy” experiences

  • How Tal defines “happiness” as the intersection of meaning and pleasure

  • We discuss what The BEST predictor of your future behavior is

  • Why awareness is a critical first step to cultivating happiness

  • We dig into the research about what really makes people happy

  • Why money has very little to do with happiness (according to the research)

  • The vital importance of cultivating healthy relationships

  • We discuss the blue zones where people live the longest in the world and why these people live longer than anyone else

  • The critical importance of physical exercise on your psychological well being

  • How to trigger a release of the “feel good” chemicals in your brain (norepinephrine, dopamine, serotonin)

  • How happiness helps you be healthier, more creative, gives you more energy, and makes you more productive

  • Strategies for indirectly pursuing happiness

  • We break down happiness into its essential components and discuss how to cultivate it

  • The only 2 types of people who do not experience painful emotions (are you one of them?)

  • What happens when we try to suppress negative emotions

  • How experiencing and accepting negative emotions can paradoxically improve your happiness

  • Why active acceptance and surrender is critical to processing and dealing with negative emotions

  • How perfectionism can create self sabotage and unhappiness

  • The critical distinction between healthy perfectionism and unhealthy perfectionism

  • The vital importance of accepting criticism and how refusing to accept criticism hamstrings you

  • Adaptive vs maladaptive perfectionism and why it's important to know the difference

  • (Once again) Meditation and how important it is

  • The interaction between stress and recovery and why most people look at it the wrong way

  • Why stress isn’t bad and in fact can be very good for - but with a very important caveat

  • How the concept of weight lifting can help us better understand and manage stress in our lives

  • How recovery is vital to your productivity, health, and happiness

  • How long periods of recovery are an investment in your future growth

  • The power of breath and how it is an incredibly impactful mind/body intervention to reduce stress and anxiety

  • The vital importance of rituals and how you should build them into your day

  • “We first make our habits, then our habits make us.”

  • We walk through Tal’s powerful daily ritual and how you can harness it to change your day

  • How self forgiveness and self compassion can transform your life and emotional experience

  • And much more!!

If you want to live a happier life - listen to this episode!

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Please SUBSCRIBE and LEAVE US A REVIEW on iTunes! (Click here for instructions on how to do that).

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Want To Dig In More?! - Here’s The Show Notes, Links, & Research

General

  • Tal’s Website

  • Tal’s Wiki Article

  • Tal’s LinkedIn, Twitter, and Facebook

  • Wholebeing Institute

  • Happiness Studies Academy

Media

  • Tal’s BigThink and Optimize article directory

  • Thrive Global - “What Gives Me Optimism: Harvard Positive Psychology Expert Tal Ben-Shahar” By Tal Ben-Shahar

  • [Course] Positive Psychology 1504: Harvard’s Groundbreaking Course


Videos

  • Happiness 101 - Tal Ben-Shahar

  • Five Ways To Be Happier Today

  • Cool Animated Video Narrated By Tal

  • Brian Johnson Notes - Tal Ben-Shahar

  • Total YouTube Search

Books

  • Short Cuts to Happiness: Life-Changing Lessons from My Barber by Tal Ben-Shahar PhD

  • The Joy of Leadership: How Positive Psychology Can Maximize Your Impact (and Make You Happier) in a Challenging World by Tal Ben-Shahar and Angus Ridgway

  • Sleeping with Your Smartphone by Leslie A. Perlow

  • Choose the Life You Want by Tal Ben-Shahar PhD

  • Happier: Learn the Secrets to Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment by Tal Ben-Shahar PhD

  • The Pursuit of Perfect by Tal Ben-Shahar PhD

  • The Blue Zones, Second Edition by Dan Buettner

  • The Relaxation Response by Herbert Benson

Misc

  • [Wikipedia Article] The Grant Study

Episode Transcript

[00:00:04.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[0:00:11.8] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success; the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the Internet with more than five million downloads and listeners in over a hundred countries.

We’ve been doing this show for more than four years and we’ve had so many amazing, incredible and exciting guests on the show. It’s a pity that we never bring back and share some of those episodes and interviews. From time to time, we love to sprinkle in and bring back some of our all-time favorites from the archives. In this episode, we're bringing back our interview with Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar, where we discussed the paradox of happiness, why pursuing it makes you less happy and what you can do about it, while we dig into all the research about what really makes you happy.

Are you a fan of the show and have you been enjoying the content that we put together for you? If you have, I would love it if you signed up for our e-mail list. We have some amazing content on there, along with a really great free course that we put a ton of time into called How To Create Time for What Matters Most In Your Life. If that sounds exciting and interesting and you want a bunch of other free goodies and giveaways along with that, just go to successpodcast.com. You can sign up right on the homepage. That’s successpodcast.com. Or if you’re on your phone right now, all you have to do is text the word “smarter”, that’s S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44-222.

In our previous interview, we discussed modern work and why it's become exhausting and dissatisfying and why it doesn't have to be that way. We shared strategies for defeating burnout and making progress on the most important and meaningful things in your work with our previous guest, Bruce Daisley.

Now, for our interview from the archives with Tal.

[0:02:09.3] MB: Today, we have another amazing guest on the show, Tal Ben Shahar. Tal created the most popular course in Harvard University’s history. He’s the bestselling author of several books including, The Pursuit of Perfect, Happier, Choose the Life You Want, Even Happier. He’s also the Co-Founder and Chief Learning Officer of the Whole Being Institute, Potential Life, Maytiv and Happier TV.

Tal, welcome to The Science of Success.

[0:02:34.5] TBS: Thank you, Matt. Great to be here.

[0:02:36.3] MB: Well we’re very excited to have you on here. For listeners who may not be familiar with you, tell us a little bit about your background and your story.

[0:02:44.0] TBS: I actually started off my college career as a computer science major. I was at Harvard at the time and I found myself in my second year doing very well academically, doing well in sports, athletics, I played Squash, doing well socially and yet being very unhappy. It didn’t make sense to me because looking at my life from the outside, things looked great but from the inside, it didn’t feel that way.

I remember waking up one very cold Boston morning, going to my academic advisor and telling her that I’m switching course and she said, “What to?” I said, “Well, I’m leaving computer science and moving over to philosophy and psychology,” and she said, “Why?” I said, “Because I have two questions. First question is, why aren’t I happy? Second question is, how can I become happier?” It’s with these two questions that I then went on to get my undergraduate as well as graduate degrees, all the time focusing how can I help myself, individuals, couples, organizations, lead happier lives.

[0:03:47.1] MB: One of the concepts that you’ve shared in the past is, and you’ve described a couple of different ways, but one of them is kind of this idea of hamburger model and the four different archetypes. I’d love for you to sort of describe that and share that with our listeners.

[0:03:59.4] TBS: Sure. One of the first things that I realized when I started to study philosophy and psychology was that I was actually living life in a very far from an optimal way. I was living a life that was actually making me unhappy. I remember one day going to the hamburger joint and looking at my burger and realizing that there’s a great deal we can learn from hamburgers. 

For example, there is the very tasty and unhealthy burger, which many of us love to eat and then feel guilty about, there is the vegetarian burger that perhaps is very healthy but that is not very tasty. Then there is the burger that is neither tasty nor healthy. And then we have the ideal burger; that is the burger that is both healthy and tasty. I thought about these four kinds of burgers as being parallel to four ways, four different ways of living our lives.

The unhealthy and the tasty burger would be that of the hedonist, a person who thinks about their immediate pleasure but don’t think of their long term wellbeing. That’s not happiness; that’s perhaps short term wellbeing but it’s not happiness. Then there is the burger that like the vegetarian burger, which is you know, healthy but not tasty. That’s about thinking of the future but not enjoying the present, not enjoying the moment. 

Then there is the third burger, which is neither tasty nor healthy and that, you know, we’re all sometimes in a rut, having bad experiences, not really feeling like we’re going anywhere. That’s the worst of all burgers and finally there is what I’ve come to call “the happiness burger”, the healthy and tasty. That’s when we’re having experiences that are both pleasurable, enjoyable, and are also good for us for the long term.

In many ways, we can look at all happy experiences through this lens. For example, if I’m working at a place where I’m enjoying my work, or I experience pleasure and it’s meaningful to me, it’s important, I can see a long term trajectory in a happy workplace. Or if I’m in a relationship or I’m enjoying the time I spend with my partner and we’re building a life together. There’s also future benefit. The relationship is a healthy relationship. Well, that’s the happy relationship. 

Almost every experience we can situation in one of the four hamburger types. Again, the unhealthy and tasty, the healthy and not tasty, the not healthy and not tasty and finally the happiness burger, which is both healthy and tasty. What we want to do is as much as possible, live our lives in that fourth archetype. It’s not possible to be there all the time, but it’s certainly possible to be there more of the time. The more time we spend there, the happier we are.

[0:06:57.3] MB: I’d love to dig into how do we spend more time in that kind of fourth archetype, the happiness archetype? Maybe before we dip into that, how do you define happiness?

[0:07:08.5] TBS: Based on that model, I define happiness as a combination between meaning and pleasure, or between future benefits and present benefit. You see, there are many people who define happiness as just an ongoing experience of pleasure but don’t really think about the meaning part, about the future part.

Then there are other people who say, “Well no, this is all about hedonism and what happiness really is, is about having a sense of meaning and purpose, a long term benefit.” Well, neither definitions are sufficient. As I see it, and again, there is a lot of empirical data backing this up. What happiness is about, the good life is about the ability to bring the two together. To bring the present benefit, the pleasure component and the future benefits, the meaning component.

[0:07:57.9] MB: How do we spend more time in that happiness quadrant?

[0:08:02.8] TBS: The first thing is awareness. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If I’m able to identify times in my life when I was leading a happy life, when I was having happy experiences, in other words, when I was doing things that were both meaningful and pleasurable. Then I can simply ask myself, “Okay, so how can I have more of it? What did my partner and I do when we experienced the happy periods in our lives? What did I do at work or what work was I engaged in that brought a sense of meaning and pleasure to my life?” Then, the question is, “How can I have more of it?” 

So first of all, it’s awareness and then the willingness and the desire to replicate the good experiences. That’s one way of bringing more happiness to my life. There are other ways; so we know for example, what are the kind of things that bring us more meaning and pleasure in life? One of those things, for instance, relationships, the number one predictor of happiness is quality time we spend with people we care about and who care about us. Of course, not all relationships contribute to happiness, they’re also toxic relationships. 

But if you look at the happiest people in the world, the thing that defines their lives are relationships and what kind of relationships? That varies you know? For some people, it’s deep intimate friendships, for other people it’s the romantic relationships, for others, it’s family, for some, it’s all of the above. Whatever the kind of relationship is, this is the defining characteristic of the happiest people we know of.

[0:09:41.4] MB: That’s a finding that’s found again and again in the research, right? That’s not just kind of an opinion, that’s something that’s very validated from the science itself?

[0:09:50.2] TBS: Absolutely. Let me give you just a couple of examples. The first interesting line of research looks at the happiness levels of nations. The question was, what are the happiest countries in the world? There are various organizations from the UN to gallop that asks this question. The countries that consistently appear in the top 10 of the list are countries like Denmark and Australia and Columbia and Israel. Holland, Costa Rica. 

You know, when you look at this countries, some of them you would expect to be there. Yeah, Australia of course, the kind of life that we believe that most Australians lead is a happy life. A lot of sports and activity and they seem like a happy bunch. Denmark, yes, understandable. But Israel and Columbia? These two countries consistently appear at the top of the happiest nations in the world list and if you wouldn’t expect that, both Columbia and Israel have their fair share of challenges.

The question is, “Why these countries and not others? Why this countries and not countries like the US or Germany or the UK or Singapore or Korea or Japan? Why?” The first thing that we know is that well, money has very little to do with it. Yes, if countries are poor, they’re unlikely to be happy countries. The population there is likely to be unhappy where there is poverty. But beyond the basic levels, beyond the basic levels of income, when there is enough food and basic shelter, additional money turns out not to make a difference to happiness levels, which explains why the wealthiest countries in the world are not the happiest countries in the world. 

What does make a difference? Relationships. In all the countries that I mentioned before, whether it’s Denmark or Israel or Australia or Columbia, there is a real emphasis on cultivating an intimate, healthy social network. Now, what does that look like? Well, in countries like Columbia, for example, family is high on the value list. In Israel, same thing, friendships as well. In countries like Denmark. Social relationships are emphasized. You know that in Denmark for example, 93% of the population — that’s almost everyone — 93% of the population are members of social clubs. 

Whether it’s their active members of social clubs, it could be their church or their sports club or whatever it is. Relationships are a priority. This is one line of research that points the importance of relationships. Another one is the by now, very well-known Harvard study, which looked at Harvard graduates, over a period of… well, for the past more than 70 years. Most of them are no longer alive, and also looked at an equal number of men from poor neighborhoods and what they looked for was who were the people who were the happiest among them? The single factor that came out, close supportive social relationships. The number one predictor of happiness.

[0:13:15.1] MB: That’s amazing. It’s fascinating that whether you’re looking at kind of individual experiences or nations as a whole, you see the same kind of conclusion born out in the data.

[0:13:26.0] TBS: Yes, this is one of the most robust findings in the field and by the way, it’s not just happiness, it’s also very much associated with health. People’s immune systems are actually a lot stronger when they enjoy healthy social support.

[0:13:42.3] MB: I think there’s a book called Blue Zones that came out a couple of years ago that delved into this kind of areas around the globe, where people lived the longest and one of the major factors there, as well, was supportive social networks.

[0:13:54.8] TBS: Yes, very often we see high correlation between happiness levels and health. For example, we know that people who are optimistic on average live eight to nine years longer than people who are pessimistic. Of course, optimism is closely associated with happiness and what we see in the blue zones are relatively happy people and very healthy people and why are they happier? Well, there’s some interesting findings. One of them absolutely strong, social support, whether it’s friendships or families, sometimes both. 

The other things that we see in the blue zones that are also associated with happiness is they’re physically active. They don’t have gyms in those places and again, these places are places such as Sardinia and Italy, or Loma Linda just outside of Los Angeles. Or a place in Costa Rica, or Okinawa in Japan, or a Greek island. What’s unique about these places is that they’re physically active, they don’t have gyms necessarily, but they walk a lot or they work the fields. This is another thing that’s associated with both health and happiness.

There’s some fascinating research here beyond the blue zones about physical exercise. For example, regular physical extra size for as little as 30 minutes three times a week. That’s not that much. 30 minutes, three times a week and in terms of its impact in our psychological wellbeing, it’s equal to our most powerful psychiatric medication in dealing with anxiety, or depression, it also helps a great deal with attention deficit disorder.

Not to mention the great benefits for physical health for against the chronic disease and so on. Now, the reason why physical exercise works so well is because what it does, it releases certain chemicals such and norepinephrine, serotonin, and dopamine. These are your feel good chemicals in the brain and it functions in exactly the same way as our antidepressants do. I should add, without side effects or without negative side effects. 

This doesn’t mean that we can get rid of all the psychiatric medication or encourage those who are on them to stop and, not at all. Many people who takes psychiatric medication, really need it and very often they need it just in order to get out of the house and begin to exercise. The important thing to realize here is that physical exercise is very important, not just for our physical wellbeing, also for our psychological wellbeing.

[0:18:06.1] MB: I think exercise is so critical and, you know, I’m a huge fan of doing cardio multiple times a week and not at all for the health benefits, purely for the psychological reasons and I kind of view the health benefits as almost a positive side effect of what I consider sort of primarily a psychological intervention.

[0:18:28.1] TBS: Yes exactly. I often say to my students that even though I know a lot about positive psychology and I know the techniques and the tools and obviously I apply them to my life as well. If physical exercise was taken away from me, I don’t think I would be able to lead a happy, healthy, and fulfilling life. I think that is a central component, certainly for me, of happiness.

[0:17:14.6] MB: What causes people to fall out of the happiness quadrant?

[0:17:19.6] TBS: There are a few things; one of the things actually that paradoxically takes people out of happiness is their direct pursuit of happiness. Interestingly, there is research showing that people whose primary goal is to be happy, they end up being less happy. They end up being frustrated and they experience more painful emotions. The problem there is that you know, in the one hand, if you directly pursue happiness, you become less happy but on the other hand, we know how important happiness is. The benefits to happiness are not simply in that it feels good to feel good. 

People who increase their levels of happiness are as I mentioned earlier are healthier, they’re also more creative, my likely to think outside the box, they are better partners, better team players in the workplace, they have more energy, they get more done, they’re more productive. There are numerous benefits to happiness beyond the fact that we all want to feel good. We have a problem that on the one hand we know happiness is good but on the other hand, we know if we pursue happiness, it actually makes us less happy.

So what do we do about that? The way to resolve the seeming contradiction or this impasse is to pursue happiness indirectly. What does this mean? It means that we look at the ingredients of happiness, the components that lead to happiness, for example, if I know that relationships lead you happiness, well, then one of the objectives that I can set for myself is to cultivate healthy relationships.

To spend an extra hour a week with my BFF. To think more about, “How I can improve my relationship with my partner?” Or whatever it is. To pursue relationships. If I pursue relationships, that will indirectly lead to more happiness or to think about, how can I exercise more or better? What kind of exercise contribute to my wellbeing? For some people, dance is the best form of exercise, for other people, it’s the meditative nature of swimming. Find and persist. We know that another thing that contributes to happiness is a sense of meaning and purpose. How can I find or how can I engage in things that for me provide a sense of meaning and purpose. I’m not pursuing happiness directly.

What I’m doing is I’m engaging in those activities or implementing those ideas that I know will contribute to happiness. Because just saying, I want to be happier and I’m going to pursue happiness. That’s too abstract and it actually just leads to frustration rather than happiness. That’s why it’s important to study the field in order to breakdown happiness into its essential components. 

One way to understand it is to look at happiness as the sunlight. To look at the sunlight is difficult, it’s even unhealthy, not possible for a long time. However, if I break down the sunlight then I get the spectrum of colors. that I can look at. That I can savor and enjoy and benefit from. It’s breaking down that sunlight into its components to breaking down happiness into its components and pursuing those.

[0:20:52.0] MB: I’ve heard you talk about before that upon hearing that you lecture and have written extensively about happiness. People often ask you, “Are you happy all the time?” I’d love to hear kind of your answer to that and how you think about that.

[0:21:06.3] TBS: Sure. Another barrier to happiness is the expectation that we will be, or even can be happy all the time. So I remember when I was teaching my first class in positive psychology, was having lunch in one of the undergraduate dorms at Harvard when a student came over and asked me if he can join me for lunch and I said, “Sure,” and he said to me, “You know Tal, my roommates are taking your class,” and I said, “Great.” Then he said to me, “You know Tal? Now that you’re teaching a class on happiness, you’ve got to be careful.” I said, “Why?” He said, “Tal, you’ve got to watch out.” He said, “Why?” He said, “Because Tal, if I see you unhappy, I’ll tell my roommates.”

Now, suggesting that of course I ought to be happy all the time, given that I’m teaching a class on happiness. I told my students the next day in class, “The last thing in the world I want you to believe is that I experience constant happiness or that you, by the end of the year will always be happy. Because there are only two kinds of people who do not experience painful emotions like sadness or anxiety or anger or envy or disappointment, two kinds of people who do not experience painful emotions. The first kind are the psychopaths. The second kind are dead people. 

You know, I told my class and I told this to myself as well. The fact that we experience painful emotions, it’s actually a good sign, it means that we’re not psychopaths and we’re alive. It’s a good place to start; we can really build on that and in fact, when we do not allow ourselves to experience the full gamut of human emotions including anger and sadness and envy and anxiety. If we don’t allow ourselves to experience these emotions, these emotions actually strengthen, they fortify and they become more dominant. 

It’s when I give myself what I’ve come to call the permission to be human when I allow myself to experience the full range of human emotions. That’s when I open myself up. A, to these emotions, leaving my system and B, opening myself up to also more pleasurable emotions such as joy, happiness, love and so on.

Paradoxically, it’s when I do not give myself the permission to experience anxiety and anger and sadness, that’s when I experience more anxiety, anger and sadness. When I give myself the permission to experience these emotions, that’s when I more likely to experience happiness.

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[0:25:14.8] MB: I’d love to dig in to that a little bit more and the kind of “what happens when someone tries to suppress their negative emotions?”

[0:25:23.1] TBS: Let’s do a quick experiment. If you’re listening to this interview, do this experiment. For the next 10 seconds, do not think of a pink elephant. Five more seconds not to think of a pink elephant. Now, I bet you, almost everyone listening thought of the pink elephant. Why? Because when we try to suppress a natural phenomenon such as visualizing the word that we’re hearing, that phenomenon only intensifies. Just like we can’t suppress the seeing or thinking of a pink elephant. We cannot suppress the experience of painful emotions. When I tell myself, “Do not experience anxiety, do not experience anger, then anger and anxiety will only intensify, will grow. 

In contrast, when I simply give myself the permission to experience these emotions. Okay, I’m anxious, okay, I’m angry. Wow, I’m not a psychopath and I’m human. These emotions actually lose their hold on me and they flow right through me and when they flow right through me, when this set of emotion flows right through me, it means that other emotions such as joy and pleasure can also flow freely through me. 

[0:26:43.5] MB: And correct me if I’m wrong, but is this kind of the same concept that you talk about of active acceptance? 

[0:26:49.4] TBS: Yes. So when I talk about “acceptance and permission to be human” I don’t mean passively accepting these emotions. In other words, I don’t mean “Okay well I’m just angry, or anxious, or sad, so I’m going to do nothing just vegetate in front of the TV.” No, what I’m talking about is accepting these emotions, experiencing them and then asking myself, “Okay what can I do now in order to feel better?” But only after I’ve accepted and experience these emotions. 

Now how long do I accept and experience them for? Well that depends. If, for example, I’ve just lost someone who’s dear to me, well then I need a fair amount of time to just be sad, to just cry, to just talk about the painful emotions. If I just got a poor grade on an exam, well I need some time but less time than I would if I’ve lost someone dear to me. So it’s contextual. 

But some time is always necessary to experience the emotion and then to ask, “What can I do now? And “what can I do now?” could be, “Well maybe I should go for a run” or go out and dance with my friends or watch TV but that is the second step after the first step, which is full acceptance, full surrender to the emotions, whatever they are.

 

[0:28:04.9] MB: I like the inclusion of surrender in there as well and I think this is something that I’ve personally — a lesson that I’ve personally learned really deeply over the last year or two is when you accept these emotions instead of fighting them and trying to bury them or hide them, it’s really powerful how much better you feel and how much more effectively you can deal with them. 

[0:28:27.6] TBS: Yes. So the idea of surrender, when people especially in the west, when we talk about the word surrender or surrendering to emotions we immediately see it as associated with giving up of course and that is by necessity something which is bad, which is necessary. You know we’re all about “never giving up” and “giving the good fight” and “stand up straight” and that’s not always the right approach. Yeah, maybe it’s the right approach when we were playing a sport or when we have a real challenge at work, but it’s not the right approach when we are facing emotional difficulties. 

When we’re facing emotional difficulties sometimes the opposite is what we need to do. It’s not to try harder, it’s actually to let go. It’s not to stand up straight, it could be just to lie down. It’s not to fight, it’s rather to surrender and these sound better or more helpful responses to difficult emotional experiences. 

[0:29:29.4] MB: I’d love to segue into talking about perfectionism, and I know that’s something that you’ve written a lot about. It’s very related to these topics. Tell me a little bit about your take on perfectionism. 

[0:29:41.8] TBS: Right, so perfectionism essentially is unhealthy fear of failure and unhealthy extreme sometimes obsessive fear of failure that permeates those areas in our lives that are most important to us. So, if I can give a personal example, when I was a professional Squash player losing a game was an absolute disaster or even having a practice session which was not perfect, that was an absolute disaster. Or later on, it was when I was a student, perfectionism permeated my academic experience, at least for the first two years. 

When I started to study psychology, very quickly I realized first of all that I was a perfectionist and secondly, the consequences of perfectionism. We were all unhappy when we failed. It doesn’t feel good to fail, but there are very different kinds of responses. One response, the perfectionist response, “This is awful, this is terrible. Now I’m never going to succeed again. I’m a complete failure.” 

The healthier approach is, “Okay, I failed. It’s not pleasant, not fun, but what can I learn from it? How can I move forward? How can I go ahead?” What’s the upside of failure? If you listen to many of the most successful people in the world, they would tell you that the most helpful experiences that they had over the years were experiences of failure, when they learned from it and grew as a result and that’s the much healthier approach to failure. 

Now when I talk about failure I mean it in the broad sense. Also while we can look at a painful emotion as a form of failure because the perfectionist, one form of perfectionist, is the person who wants to have a perfect, unbroken chain of pleasurable, positive emotions. Now that of course is not possible, and then when the perfectionist experiences a painful emotion, that immediately is a disaster and he enters or she enters a downward spiral of self-criticism, very often self-hate, and of course unhappiness as a result. 

[0:31:49.5] MB: So for somebody that is caught in one of those cycles or has very unrealistic expectations about their happiness and their well-being, how do they deal with that or how do they break out of that cycle? 

[0:32:03.8] TBS: Yeah, so there are a few ways. The first is really understanding what perfectionism is and distinguishing between healthy perfectionism and unhealthy perfectionism. So often when people are asked interviews, “So, tell me your shortcomings?” And very often what people say, “Oh I’m a perfectionist,” and of course, they talk about it as a shortcoming. But actually what they mean is, “Well you can trust me. I get things done really well. I make sure. I’m a responsible person. I make sure things are bent perfectly.”

So they’re saying it as a short coming, as a problem but actually they mean it as something that they’re somewhat proud of and being responsible and being hardworking and being persistent and reliable, these are positive traits by and large. So there is this part of perfectionism, which is not bad, which is actually good but there’s another part of perfectionism, which is harmful. Which is harmful to first of all happiness but second also to creativity, to relationships. 

Because if I’m a perfectionist I cannot hear criticism and if you cannot hear criticism and you’re not open to other people, I mean intimate relationships are almost impossible and there is very little learning when there is perfectionism because there is a reluctance to admit imperfections, to admit that, “I don’t know.” So there are two kinds of perfectionism, what psychologist call the “adaptive” and the “maladaptive” perfectionism. So first thing is to be able to understand, what kind of perfectionism do I want to get rid of or do I want to make less dominant in my life? 

Second, the ways you make it less dominant, less pervasive is paradoxically by failing more. You see, one of the reasons why perfectionist are so afraid of failure is because they have elevated failure to a larger than life status and they don’t fail much and then in their minds failure becomes this potential catastrophe. Whereas if we fail a lot by putting ourselves in the line time and time again, after a while we see, “You know, the world didn’t come to an end after this failure and neither after this failure.” 

And in a sense, we get used to failing. We begin to get used to being imperfect and overtime, we become more comfortable failing. So that’s one way. Another way which indirectly helps a great deal is actually meditation. Because what is meditation? Meditation is learning to be present, learning to be here and now and when I’m present to an experience, to any experience, whether it’s the experience of sadness or the experience of failure, it becomes less difficult to tolerate. I learn to live with it and then I realize, “Hey that is actually not that bad not only is it not that bad, I actually learned a lot by being present to this experience, so there’s no need to fear it happening again,” and I become less of a perfectionist then. 

[0:34:59.8] MB: I’d love to explore the interplay between stress and recovery and I’d love to get your thoughts on that. 

[0:35:07.2] TBS: Sure, so one of the things that over the last few years have become very clear through the research is that for years and decades, psychologists, professionals as well as lay people have looked at stress in the wrong way. If you ask most people, conventional wisdom today would tell you that “stress is bad”, that what we need to do is eliminate stress, get rid of it or at the very least minimize it in our lives because it’s associated with chronic disease, with unhappiness, with depression and anxiety, you name it; stress is the culprit. 

Well, it actually turns out that not only is stress not the culprit, that actually stress potentially is good for us. How come? Look at this analogy: You go to the gym and you lift weights, what are you doing with your muscles? You’re stressing your muscles, now is that a bad thing? Of course not. You lift weights and you become stronger. You stress your muscles two days later and you become even stronger and on and on and you become fitter, stronger, healthier, happier. Stress is not a bad thing actually. It’s potentially a good thing. 

When do the problems begin at the gym? The problems in the gym begin when you lift weights and a minute later, you lift more weights and then you increase the weightage and the following day you go in and again, you push yourself again and again and again. That’s when the problems begin. That’s when you get injured. That’s when you get weaker rather than stronger. The problem therefore, when it comes to stress, is that we don’t have enough recovery. In the gym when you have enough recovery, you get stronger through the stress. 

The same happens on the psychological level not just on the physiological level. On the psychological level, we can deal with stress. We’re good at it. We were created whether it’s by God or evolution, we were created to be able to deal with stress. The problem is that we don’t have enough recovery today. You know the difference between 5,000 years ago or even 50 years ago and today is that in the past there was much more time, many more opportunities for recovery. Today there isn’t because we’re on most of the time. 

You know, there’s a wonderful book by a Harvard professor, Leslie Perlow called Sleeping With Your Smartphone. It has become our most intimate companion and we’re on it constantly, we’re available constantly. Instead of switching off, instead of taking time for recovery. Whether it’s a meal with our friends or family or whether it’s going to the gym or whether it’s just going for a walk in the streets, or even better, the woods, these forms of recovery are so very important for us to reset the system in a sense and just like we need recovery in the gym, we need recovery in life.  And the stress today, the problem with stress today is that people don’t have enough time to recover. If they do have time to recover, that stress can only make us strong, happier, and healthier. 

[0:38:07.9] MB: How do we build or find more time for recovery? 

[0:38:12.9] TBS: Unfortunately, we can’t find more time. We have finite amounts of time but what we can do is put time aside for what we think is really important and recovery is really important and it’s not giving up time. Recovery is a form of investment. So when I invest, if I invest money, yes I’m in the sense giving up money but I’m giving up money for the sake of future gain so that I have more of it in the future and in the same way with the recovery. 

Yes, I’m putting some time aside for recovery when I am not working, for instance. But I am actually getting much more in return because in the time after I recover, I will be a lot more productive, a lot more creative and of course happier. 

So recovery is a good investment and recovery, again, is something, whether it’s 15 minutes of meditation or an hour in the gym or just hanging out for a couple of hours with friends and recovery is also a good night sleep. A lot of research on the importance of sleep for well-being and for cognitive functioning, it could be a day or two off over the weekend and recovery can be the vacation, the week or four week holiday once or twice a year. So all these forms of recovery are great forms of investment. I get much more in return. 

[0:39:33.1] MB: I’d love to talk about — we’ve examined a couple of the different mind-body interventions that deal with anxiety and stress. We’ve talk about exercise and how important that is, we’ve touched briefly on meditation. One of the other things you’ve talked about is the power of breathing and I’d love to hear some of your insights. 

[0:39:51.3] TBS: Sure. So there is, again, a lot of work, a lot of research on breathing and the nice thing about it is that it’s always there for us literally from the moment we were born until the moment we die and we need to make better use of this thing that’s right under our very noses and what does it mean to make use of breathing? Because we breathe naturally and again, we always do it. But there are helpful and unhelpful forms of breathing. 

So for instance, when stress levels rise and when we don’t have enough recovery, our breathing actually becomes shorter and shallower. We don’t take a deep breathe in. Now it’s very easy to simply decide, to set our alarm clock or smartphone to remind us, say every two hours to take three or four or five deep breaths, which you spend 10 minutes first thing in the morning just breathing in deeply and focusing on the breathe going in and out and we’re benefiting then from both breathing and it’s a form of meditation as well. 

Now what is proper breathing? It’s really like what a baby would breathe. When you watch a baby breathing, you see their belly go up and down. This is called belly breath, and engaging in belly breathing, again, three to four deep breathes every hour or two and then maybe a couple of minutes in the morning and a couple of minutes more in the evening, that can go a long way as a form of recovery, as a form of taking in sufficient oxygen as a form of changing our experience from the fight or flight response. 

A stressful response to what Herbert Benson from Harvard Medical School calls “The Relaxation Response” and again, it doesn’t take much. It’s a very simple intervention that’s with us all the time. I, as a ritual, engaging in deep breathing a few times a day and that has done wonders to my overall experience of wellbeing. 

[0:41:56.8] MB: I’d love to touch on rituals, you just mentioned that. What are some of the rituals that you found daily that have really helped you cultivate wellbeing and happiness? 

[0:42:07.6] TBS: Yes, first of all maybe I can just say a couple of words about the importance of rituals. Because many people think that if they understand something, so for example, I understand the importance of exercise or I understand the importance of breathing or the importance of relationships, well then that’s enough to bring about change. I’ve had the “aha moment” I was convinced by a study and a research and now I’m ready to live happily ever after. 

Well unfortunately that’s not the case. Knowing what’s good for us doesn’t mean that we’re doing what’s good for us and doing is necessary for bring about the real change. Rather than relying on knowing or understanding, what we must rely on to bring about lasting change are rituals, are habits. You know, John Dryden, the British philosopher/poet once wrote: “We first make our habits and then our habits make us,” and it’s important to make habits to create rituals that will contribute to our wellbeing. 

So let me share you some of the rituals, some of the daily or weekly rituals that I have. One of them is physical exercise, three times a week on particular days, particular times I exercise. For me it’s usually a stationary bike or swimming. Three days a week I do yoga. Every morning when I get up, I spend between 10 and 12 minutes deep breathing while reminding myself of the things that I want to be reminded. 

For example, I remind myself — and this is all written down. I remind myself to be present. I remind myself to bring more playfulness to my work, to my family. I remind myself to contribute, to help others and cultivate healthy relationship. I remind myself to be patient and finally, I remind myself to give myself the permission to be human, to be humble about myself, my life, my expectations. 

Now these things, I remind myself of everyday. They are already second nature, I’ve formed neural pathways in my brain around these ideas that I believe are so important for a happy, healthy, and fulfilling life. It’s only by engaging a ritual around them that they can become second nature, they can be assimilated, internalized and finally another ritual that I have before going to bed is expressing gratitude for at least five things in my life.

[0:44:42.3] MB: That’s such a great exposition about rituals and I love that quote, “We first make our habits and then our habits make us.” That’s really powerful. I’d love to dig in to the concept, and this goes back a little bit to kind of when we were talking about perfectionism and the permission to be human. I’d love to talk about self-forgiveness. Can you share some of your thoughts about that?

[0:45:04.8] TBS: Sure. The Dalai Lama, when he came to the west for the first time, interviewed many western scientists, psychologist, practitioners, theoreticians. One of the most surprising things that he found was that compassion, the word for compassion in the west stands for compassion towards other people. He said, in Tibetan, the word for compassionate is Sewe. Sewe is equally about compassion toward others and towards one’s self. We’re very hard with ourselves, that has to do a lot with perfectionism or is a cause of perfectionism.

We’re not forgiving, we don’t give ourselves the permission to experience painful emotions or to fail, to be human. Unfortunately, that’s a cause of a great deal of unhappiness. There’s no one who is perfect and no one ever was or ever will be. The sooner we accept that, the better, the more forgiving we are of our imperfections or of our failures, the happier, and paradoxically, the more successful we’ll be in the long term. 

[0:46:14.7] MB: For somebody who has been listening and wants to have kind of a concrete starting place to implement some of the ideas that we’ve talked about today, what’s sort of one simple piece of homework that you would give to one of our listeners?

[0:46:28.2] TBS: What I would do first, we are potentially the best teachers that we have. What I would do is, I would sit down and I would write, I would write about my best experiences from the past, “When was I at my happiest?” From those stories that I write down, I would extract what I consider the essentials. Keep in mind all the things that you heard about permission to be human and about relationships and about exercise and about expressing gratitude and try and extract the essentials.

In other words, do research on yourself, or rather what I distinguish between research and search. Research is very often about other people. Search is within one’s self.

[0:47:16.2] MB: For people who want to learn more about you, where can people find you and your books online?

[0:47:21.3] TBS: Well, my books are on Amazon or you can go onto my website, www.talbenshahar.com.

[0:47:29.7] MB: Well Tal, thank you so much, this has been a fascinating conversation and I know I’ve taken away a ton of insights and I think the listeners are really going to enjoy this. We just wanted to say, thank you so much for being on the show. 

[0:47:42.6] TBS: Thank you Matt for the opportunity.

[0:47:46.1] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners, master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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Don't forget, if you want to get all the incredible information we talk about in the show, links transcripts, everything we discussed and much more, be sure to check out our show notes. You can get those at successpodcast.com, just hit the show notes button right at the top. 

Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.

February 06, 2020 /Lace Gilger
Best Of, Emotional Intelligence
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The Big Lie About Happiness with Neil Pasricha

January 02, 2020 by Lace Gilger in Emotional Intelligence, High Performance

In this episode we expose the lie that success makes you happy and discover the truth about engineering happiness into your life. Can you choose to be happy? If so, what should you do and how should you change your behavior? We also confront the reality that in today’s world we no longer have the tools to handle real or even perceived failures. We discuss how to build mental toughness and what you can do to build your mental strength and resilience. All of this and much more with our guest Neil Pasricha. 

Neil Pasricha is the New York Times-bestselling author of The Happiness Equation and The Book of Awesome series, which has been published in ten countries, spent over five years on bestseller lists, and sold over a million copies. He is one of the most popular TED speakers of all time, and today serves as Director of The Institute for Global Happiness. Neil has spoken to hundreds of thousands of people around the globe including Fortune 100 companies, Ivy League Deans, and Royal Families in the Middle East. His work has been featured in thousands of outlets including CNN, BBC, The Today Show, and many more!

  • The myth of the idea that great work leads to big success and being happy. That’s totally backwards. 

  • Looking at over 300 studies on the science of happiness, the model is the opposite. 

  • Be happy —> Great Work —> Big Success 

  • Being happy increases productive by 31%, Sales by 30%, and creativity by 300% 

  • Happy people live longer! Happy people live an average of over ten years longer.

  • Many people don’t think that happiness, compassion, understanding and emotional intelligence are not important to business success, that couldn’t be further from the truth

  • 50% of your happiness is genetic, 10% of your happiness is circumstantial, and 40% is based on your intentional activities

  • The average human is awake for 1000 minutes per day. Could you take 20 of them, 2% of those hours, to make the other 980 (98%) minutes happier? 

  • 3 Things You Can Do RIGHT NOW to Increase your Happiness

    • Go for a 20 minute walk in the woods 

    • Journaling is a great way to have a powerful happiness practice 

    • Reading 20 pages of fiction per day.

  • Reading fiction, especially literary fiction, helps improve your emotional intelligence. 

  • You have to STRUCTURE your day to enable these contemplative, happiness creating routines

  • How to be a lazy person and still get lots of things done. 

  • How to structure a “family contract” to have more quality time with your loved ones. 

  • "Being busy is a form of laziness – lazy thinking and indiscriminate action."

  • Everyone gets 168 hours per week. You have 168 pebbles and you can spend one every hour. 

  • 168/3 = 3 buckets of 56 hours

    1. 56 hours of sleep

    2. 56 hours of work

    3. 56 hours of family & enjoyment

  • Most people that work 70-80 hours per week have tons of wasted and dead time in their day. 

  • What are you spending your buckets on?

  • We are all getting more anxious, lonely, and depressed - despite the fact that we are healthier and safer than we’ve ever been.

  • We no longer have the tools to handle failure or even perceived failure. 

  • How do we get mentally tough?

  • The ascendance of the smartphone has created a 30% spike in anxiety in the last five years. 

  • 3 strategies to build mental strength and resilience. 

    • Get your cell phone out of your bedroom.

    • Do a “two minute morning"

    • Spend your lunch time doing a weird hobby or an unusual activity 

    • Intermittent Fasting from TECHNOLOGY 

  • The “two minute morning” exercise:

    • I will let go of..

    • I am grateful for..

    • I will focus on...

  • Gratitude has to be highly specific, not just “my wife” - it needs to be “when my wife gave me a kiss on the cheek this morning” - otherwise your brain doesn’t actually think about it. 

  • Carve a “will do” from your “could do / should do” list. 

  • Nobel prize winners are 22x more likely to have a weird or amateur hobby than their peers. 

  • Your learning rate is the steepest when you know the least 

  • How you can avoid “cognitive entrenchment” and mental fragility. 

  • The person who is the most successful in life is not the person who has had the most successes, its the person who has the most failures. You have to increase your failure rate to increase your success. 

  • When you overly specialize, success blocks future success. 

  • Spend money on cultivating randomness in your life. 

  • What other success could you have had, should you have had, or would you have had, if you had let yourself stay broader for longer? 

  • How do you mentally unfurl yourself form all the identity sleeping bags you’re rolled up in?

  • Homework: Start or finish your day by reading 20 pages of fiction from a good book. “A reader lives 1000 lives before he dies" 

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Want To Dig In More?! - Here’s The Show Notes, Links, & Research

General

  • Neil’s Website and Podcast

  • Neil’s LinkedIn, Twitter, and Facebook

  • The Institute for Global Happiness

  • 1000 Awesome Things blog

Media

  • Author Directory on Quiet Revolution, Fast Company, Next Big Idea Club, Medium, and HuffPost

  • Calgary Herald - “Neil Pasricha's new book shows how wrestling with failure can make you 'awesome'” Eric Volmers

  • MindBodyGreen - “3 Ways To Be More Resilient, From This Happiness Expert” By Jason Wachob

  • The Epoch Times - ‘Neil Pasricha Reminds Us What Is Truly Important in a Chaotic World” BY Catherine Yang

  • WBUR - “Are You Failing At Failing? Author Neil Pasricha Says It's Time To Change The Narrative” by Jeremy Hobson and Allison Hagan

  • Daily Stoic - “You Are Awesome: An Interview With Bestselling Author Neil Pasricha”

  • HBR - “8 Ways to Read (a Lot) More Books This Year” by Neil Pasricha

  • Observer - “How to Add an Hour to a Day with Only One Small Change” By Neil Pasricha

  • SUCCESS Magazine - “7 Things You Can Do to Feel Happier” By Neil Pasricha

  • TIME - “How to Conquer Your Biggest Fears” By Neil Pasricha

  • Forbes - “Neil Pasricha: Why It Is Possible To Achieve Work-Life Balance” by Dan Schawbel

  • Reddit AMA - I am Neil Pasricha, author of the 1000 Awesome Things blog and The Book of Awesome. AMA!

  • [Podcast] The Jordan Harbinger - 277: Neil Pasricha | You Are Awesome

  • [Podcast] The Learning Leader Show - Episode 238: Neil Pasricha – Why Action Creates Motivation: 1,000 Awesome Things

  • [Podcast] Good Life Project - Neil Pasricha: From Awesome Hunter to Happiness Crusader

  • [Podcast] Art of Charm - Neil Pasricha | The Happiness Equation (Episode 506)

  • [Podcast] The Think Grow Podcast w/ Ruben Chavez - Episode #24: Neil Pasricha - How (And Why) to Read More Books

  • [Podcast] The Ultimate Health Podcast - 265: Neil Pasricha – How To Be Happy • Untouchable Days • Find Your Authentic Self

  • [Podcast] Don't Keep Your Day Job - You Are Awesome - Neil Pasricha

Videos

  • TEDxTalks - Neil Pasricha | TEDxToronto 2010 - The 3 A's of awesome

    • TEDxTalks - How do you maximize your tiny, short life? | Neil Pasricha | TEDxToronto

  • Talks at Google - Neil Pasricha: "The Happiness Equation" | Talks at Google

  • Improvement Pill - The Key To Becoming Mentally Tougher (ft. Neil Pasricha)

  • Evan Carmichael - Neil Pasricha's Top 10 Rules For Success (@NeilPasricha)

  • Neil’s YouTube Channel

  • LinkedIn - LinkedIn Speaker Series: Neil Pasricha

  • FightMediocrity - How to Make More Money Than a Harvard MBA – The Happiness Equation by Neil Pasricha

  • The Institute for Global Happiness - Awesome is Everywhere by Neil Pasricha - Book Trailer

Books

  • You Are Awesome: How to Navigate Change, Wrestle with Failure, and Live an Intentional Life (Book of Awesome Series, The) by Neil Pasricha

  • Two Minute Mornings: A Journal to Win Your Day Every Day (Gratitude Journal, Mental Health Journal, Mindfulness Journal, Self-Care Journal)  by Neil Pasricha

  • How to Get Back Up: A Memoir of Failure & Resilience  by Neil Pasricha and Audible Original

  • The Happiness Equation: Want Nothing + Do Anything = Have Everything  by Neil Pasricha

  • Awesome Is Everywhere  by Neil Pasricha

  • Journal of Awesome  by Neil Pasricha

  • The Book of (Even More) Awesome (The Book of Awesome Series)  by Neil Pasricha

  • The Book of (Holiday) Awesome (The Book of Awesome Series) by Neil Pasricha

  • The Book of Awesome (The Book of Awesome Series) by Neil Pasricha

Episode Transcript

[00:00:04.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[00:00:11] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success, the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the Internet, with more than five million downloads and listeners in over 100 countries. In this episode, we expose the lie that success makes you happy and discover the truth about engineering happiness into your life. 

Can you choose to be happy? If so, what should you do and how should you change your behavior? We also confront the reality that in today's world, we no longer have the tools to handle real or even perceived failures. We discuss how to build mental toughness and what you can do to build your own mental strength and resilience. All of this and much more with our guest, Neil Pasricha.

Are you a fan of the show? And have you been enjoying the content that we put together for you? If you have, I would love it if you signed up for our email list. We have some amazing content on there, along with a really great free course that we put a ton of time into called How to Create Time for what Matters Most in Your Life. If that sounds exciting and interesting, and you want a bunch of other free goodies and giveaways along with that, just go to successpodcast.com. You can sign up right on the home page, that’s successpodcast.com or if you're on your phone right now, all you have to do is text the word ‘smarter’. That's “smarter” to the number 44222.

In our previous episode, we brought you a holiday special with some of the best moments on giving, connectedness, compassion, kindness, courage, and so much more. We brought in some familiar guests, like Brene Brown and Oscar Trimboli, as well as some guests from the archives like John Wang, Dacher Keltner and so many more. If you want something to ground you during this holiday season and really focus on gratitude, listen to our previous episode

Now for Interview with Neil. Today we have another exciting guest on the show, Neil Pasricha. Neil is a New York Times bestselling author of The Happiness Equation and The Book of Awesome series, which is sold over a 1,000,000 copies. He's one of the most popular Ted speakers of all time and today serves as director of the Institute for Global Happiness. His work has been featured in thousands of outlets, including CNN, BBC, The Today Show, and much more. 

[0:02:30] MB: Neil, welcome to the Science of Success.

[00:02:34] NP: Thank you so much for having me, Matt.

[0:02:35] MB: I'm really excited to have you on the show. Your work is so interesting and inspiring, and there's a lot of takeaways that I think we can share with the listeners.

[00:02:43] NP: I can't wait.

[0:02:44] MB: I want to start with an idea that you shared in some of your early work of this notion that people often have the equation backwards. They think that they have to work hard, do great work, be successful and that eventually they'll be happy, and you pointed out that perhaps that's not the right way to sequence things.

[00:02:34] NP: It's definitely not the right way to sequence things. And I blame all of our parents for this, because our parents said the same thing to all of us as we were kids. And it is six specific words. You mentioned all the Matt. Great work, that’s two, leads to big success, that’s four, leads to be happy, that’s six. Great work leads to big success leads to be happy, however, after reading over 300 [inaudible 0:03:28], like all these studies on the science of happiness, I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt, the model’s exactly reversed. It actually goes, be happy, leads to great work, leads to big success. 

Based on a study published in Harvard Business Review by Sonja Lyubomirsky and her colleagues, we know that being happy actually increases productivity 31%, increases sales 37%, and increases creativity 300%. What happens after that? Well, the big success comes. That’s the end, after the great work. Two kinds number one happy people are 40% more likely to get a promotion in the next 12 months. Not surprising when you think about your company, your office or workplace, you're like, “Well, that person probably gonna get promoted. They're in a good mood. We like working for that boss. We like working for that colleague,” and happy people also live longer. This is interesting, comes from the nun study at the University of Kentucky. It shows, happy people live in average of over 10 years longer. When you think about how short our life spans truly are, an extra 10 years is quite a big increase, just from priming your brain to be positive each day.

[0:04:32] MB: It's so interesting and this underscores to me one of the biggest takeaways or lessons that I've pulled from doing the podcast, which is this notion that a lot of these seeming soft skill things, emotional intelligence, happiness, gratitude, all of these things – people often think that they're not real business skills, that they can't help you be more productive, that they can help you be more successful. And yet the research is pretty resoundingly clear that, in fact, many of these soft skills, these woo-woo things like happiness are actually the cornerstones of being a highly productive and successful person.

[00:05:09] NP: Yeah, I like you framed it as, like, these are potentially kind uplifts as well, for sure, but I also want to just enter into the conversation. Another little injection here, I was director of leadership development at Walmart. That was my job title for a number of years, and so my job was to help really, really good leaders become great leaders, i.e, help vice presidents become senior vice presidents, help senior vice presidents become executive vice presidents, help executive presidents become C-suite leaders. Guess what everyone got fired for. Guess what? 

If you weren't going to make the leap, guess what reason it was. It wasn't because you couldn't do the numbers. It wasn’t because you couldn’t show confidence in meetings. It wasn't because you couldn't lead a team. It was because people didn’t like you. Like that's what it was. It was because nobody want to work for you. You were hard to get along with. You weren’t empathetic in meetings. You didn't show compassion and understanding. People got a rough feeling from you. 

And then when enough people feel that way, guess what? Your 360 scores, your managing up surveys, all that kind of stuff comes back negative so they can't promote you. So the number one de-railer in an office environment or an executive environment is actually your soft skills. Your EQ. So I like how you kinda said, “Hey, this is good. This helps you go up.” I'm also saying, it also helps prevent you from getting the boot. EQ is the hardest thing to grow, and we aren't spending enough time growing it.

[0:06:21] MB: I couldn't agree more. And I want to look at this because you could ramble on and you've shared some great statistics, but you could talk, you know, ad infinitum about the benefits of happiness. But I'm sure somebody could hear you say that and tell themselves. “Okay, great. That's awesome for people who are happy. But I'm not happy or I'm naturally not as happy.” So what does that mean? Am I left out of the cold?

[00:06:43] NP: Yeah. No, doesn't. And I'm gonna quote Sonja Lyubomirsky again. She's a real titan in this positive psychology world. Professor at Stanford University of California. She's positive model and her famous book called The How of Happiness that actually shows – it's a model, okay, so not like a proven concept, but she has the background and the chops – I’ve seen a lot of your guests at these kind of similar backgrounds. 

You know, you had [inaudible 0:07:04] etcetera on the show, like she's got the horsepower to say, “Look, guys, based on the research I've done 50% of your happiness is actually genetic. 10% of your happiness is circumstances, circumstantial or circumstances (based on what's happening in your life) and 40% of you happiness is based on your intentional activities. Again, 50% genetic, 10% circumstances, and 40% intentional activities.

So to the person who's saying, “Well, I'm just not a naturally happy person.” I get that. That's your genetic baseline. That is the 50%. Unfortunately you can't control it. You can control however the 40%, the part of the glass that you refill. Like I say to people, “The glass isn't half empty or half full. It's refillable.” What do you put into that 40%? So what I always preach to people is this. You, Matt, me, Neil, and everyone listening, we’re all awake on average for 1000 minutes a day. That is the average amount of minutes people are awake for a day. 

I'm obsessed with the number 1000 by the way, which we could talk about later if you want. That number is fascinating to me for many reasons. We’re awake a thousands minutes a day? My argument is could you take 20 of them? A 2% lever. Could you take 20 of them to make the other 980 minutes the other 98% of your day happier? When I ask that question, most people nod their heads like, “Yeah, I could do that. It makes up 90% of my day happier. Like I'm all in. We know it makes me or productive, or higher sales. I'm more creative, I’ll get along well with people. I'm going to get promoted. I'm in. So what do I do?”

Well, this is where all the positive psychology research comes in. So what you do is you read through all these studies. You distill them down the simple, most simple stuff you could find, and I'll tell you right now, I'll give you three of them. I could give you five or seven. Let's just leave it at three for now. Go on a 20 minute nature walk in the woods with no cell phone, okay. Trees release a chemical called phytoncides that actually reduce your cortisol level. You actually get happier by being in nature. 

[00:08:52] NP: We all have NDD these days or nature deficit disorder. So this is a healthy thing. Number two is Journal. Famous Research from the University of Texas, Slatcher and Pennebaker showed that couples in a relationship who journaled were 50% more likely to stay together in their romantic relationship after three months. I always joke that three months is a very long relationship at the University of Texas or any college campus. Also a friend of mine, Shawn Achor, positive psychology researcher has teamed up with the national MS Society to show that patients with chronic neuro-muscular pain, if they journal for six weeks, can have their pain medication at the six month mark reduced by up to 50%.

 Turns out in your brain, you’ve got something called the visual cortex when you rewrite something happy from your day, okay, a good conversation, the friend you bumped into, the hot coffee that somebody brought you, whatever, that your brain actually replays it in that visual cortex. An area called Area 17 lights up a second time or third time if you read your own journal. So journaling, again start of the day, end of the day, is a great way to have a 20 minute happiness practice.

And the third and final thing I'll mention. Again, there’s many we could talk about, but is reading 20 pages of fiction, okay. 2011 Annual Review of Psychology showed that reading fiction, especially literary fiction, opens up the mirror neurons in your brain, the parts of your brain responsible for empathy, compassion, understanding, all the EQ stuff we were talking about. 

If you want to be a better person, the best way to do that is to inhabit a totally other conscience for 20 minutes or 20 pages a day, because that teaches you how to be another gender, another religion, another culture, another geography, another nationality, another time period, etcetera.

So, quick summary. Yes, there's a genetic set point, but even though that's 50% of our happiness, we've got 10% based on circumstances and 40% on intentional activities, focusing on that 40% which is the part we can control, I say, spend 20 minutes a day doing one of three activities. Go for a 20 minute nature walk, do a 20 minute journaling exercise or read 20 pages of fiction from a good book.

[0:10:51] MB: All three of those are great suggestions, and the math on that is so powerful. I often tell people the same thing, which is just try to carve out a little bit of time for what I call contemplative routines, essentially things like journaling, meditation, reflection, stepping back from all the noise and dizziness and chaos of life. And I love the math on 20 Minutes is essentially 2% of your day, and is it possible to carve that out? It makes so much sense on paper. And yet it's so easy to get caught up in the business [inaudible 0:11:24] everything going on and feel like you don't have 20 minutes.

[00:11:27] NP: Well, you have to structure it, right. So these days I'm giving a bunch of speeches, and one question I always ask audiences, is, “How many of you sleep within 10 feet of your cell phone?” And honestly, Matt, like 95% or more hands go up, okay? And you know the same excuses that we all hear. “It’s my alarm clock.” You know, ah, “What if there's an emergency?” Stuff like that? Well, I say, plug your cell phone in the basement, buy an alarm clock from Walmart and start or finish your day with either a journaling practice or reading a good book. If you don't have your cell phone in the bedroom, that's a start. 

Look, if you drank a bottle of wine before bed every night, slept within 10 feet of a bottle of wine during the night and drank a bottle of wine when you got up in the morning, we would all call you an alcoholic. These days we're all phone-aholics. Our cell phones are terrible for us, and I could expand on why if you are interested but cell phones are horrible for us, and yet we sleep right beside them. We check them last thing at night and first thing in the morning as if it's no big deal. It is a big deal.

So system wise, in order to structure it, put your cellphone in the basement. It doesn't matter where you cell phone lives, it matters where your charger lives. If you're paranoid about emergencies, do what my wife and I have done: get a landline. They’re $20. It's illegal for telemarketers to call you at night, but your friends and family can call you if there actually is an emergency, which, by the way, there never is. 

And then start or finish today with the journaling practice or reading a good book.

[0:12:49] MB: That's a good example, and it really highlights – you said something a moment ago that is so important and often gets missed in the discussion of these routines and habits. And it's that you have to proactively structure your day to create the space for these contemplative routines. And if you don't do that, then they never happen. And if you do carve out just a little bit of time, even 20 minutes or more a day, that has a huge, compounded return on everything else that you do

[00:13:22] NP: Exactly, and by the way, I'm partly preaching to myself. I'm actually a very lazy person. People don't believe me when I say that because they are like, “No, you get so much done blah, blah, blah. Didn’t you write all these books?” No, it's just because I'm structured. Like it's just because I just made simple rules around things, right? So one rule is the cell phone lives in the basement. That's a rule. I can’t in my mind break it. So that allows me. What am I gonna do to record that? I got a journal sitting beside there. I got a book, so I flip it open. It's because I just natural – it's easier for me to do that than nothing, you know. 

So that's why I do that. And there's many things like that that Leslie and I, my wife have in our life. Another example just to throw in here, Matt, for those listening, like, “Okay, that's one, buddy. What else you got?” Is, we have a family contract. So my wife and I have written out on a piece of paper and signed in ink the number of nights I'm allowed to be away per month, the number of days we must have together as a family. I mean, no screens, no other people, like just our family. The number of days we get of vacation as a family, and the number of nights she and I both get to do our own thing each month. 

By the way, the number for all those things happens to be four. Okay, Neil's away four nights per a month because, I mean, that means I say no to lot of stuff. But, you know, we just talked earlier or we jumped on here like I can't do certain things because [Inaudible 0:14:39] cookie exchange. I was able to do that because I already maximize my nights away. So this is a little family contract. Does it actually – like If I break it, do I get in trouble? Do I get arrested? No, but because I wrote it out and I signed in ink, it’s a system that now guides my behavior. I'm a lazy person, so I just now follow this rigid ‘rule’ that I made for myself.

[0:14:57] MB: I tell people the same thing all the time, which is that I'm very lazy, but I use structures and routines to ensure that I both select the most important activities and get them done despite all of the other things constantly distracting and pulling me in so many different directions. 

[00:15:13] NP: You're a smart man. 

[0:15:14] MB: Well, this whole conversation, though, reminds me of something else that I've heard you talk about in the past, which is this idea that in today's culture, it's almost a rote response to say, “How are you doing?” What is somebody always respond back with? 

[00:15:28] NP: I'm busy. 


[0:15:29] MB: I‘m busy. That's what everyone says. And I've stopped saying that. I stopped saying that maybe a year ago, but it's amazing how almost everybody has that response, and we have this culture that promotes this this myth of having to be busy and always being busy as if it's a badge of honor, but it really, to me, in many ways is a detriment.

[00:15:50] NP: Yeah, there's a great essay on this by Tim Kreider called The Busy Trap, just published in The New York Times. Maybe you could share it out with your listers somehow or in the show notes or whatever. This really prompted my thinking. And then, of course, Tim Ferriss’s  words. And I think for our work weeks that the word busy is an excuse. It is somebody who is a lazy thinker and indiscriminately acting. You know, busy is a sign of, you don't know how to manage your priorities. And I love that. 

And so, in The Happiness Equation, the book I wrote before, You’re Awesome, before this one, I actually lay it out as a bucket model. I say, you, Matt Bodnar, me, Neil Pasricha, everyone listening, Oprah, Warren Buffett, Tim Ferriss, Tim Kreider, all these people, we all get the exact same number of hours per week, right? It's a 168. That’s how many everyone gets. Doesn't matter how old you are, how rich you are. You get 160 hours a week. 

I like to think of it like Monday morning at midnight or whenever the week starts on your calendar. Monday morning at midnight is like I got 168 like pebbles, and I spend one an hour and I’m – by the end of the week, I'm like, out of pebbles. That's all I got and I get another 168 for next week. The beautiful thing about that number 168 is it naturally divides by three. So you divide it by three, and it's three buckets of 56 hours each. 56 56 56. 

Well, guess what? Every doctor will tell you you're supposed to sleep eight hours a night. Eight times seven days a week is 56 hours. So one entire bucket per week for most people on average should be 56. What about work? Well, most people work about a 40 hour week job. Yeah, there's some higher, some lower, but let's round it up. Let's round it up for commuting time, maybe some emails home, maybe you do work on the weekend little bit. Let's just call it 56. We're gonna give you, like almost a 50% increase on your ’40 hour week job’.

[00:17:38] NP: And by the way, there's a lot of research says that people that say they work 70, 80, 90 hours like are kind of lying. You know, there's a lot of research that says they're not really working. I feel like that's crazy number of hours and most people don't work that much, even if they think they do, okay. There’s a lot of dead time and wasted time in there. Let's call it 56. Guess what Matt? Those two buckets, the work bucket and the sleep bucket, pay for, justify, and create your third bucket. Are you busy? Or are you filling up your third bucket with crap. 

For me? I worked 10 years at Walmart, right? And I, for eight of those years, on the side, you could call it the side hustle these days, I wrote. I wrote athousandaweseomthings.com. I wrote my books. I gave 200 speeches. I gave some TED talks. That was all in my 3rd 56 hour week budget. It's worth pointing out. I was not married at that time, and I did not have children. So I was able to put, pour all that time into my ‘fun bucket’ of writing and speaking.

Now I did get remarried. My wife, Leslie, and I have children. And guess what? My third bucket is now being an intentional, you know, and attuned and present father. So that's why I ended up quitting the WalMart job because I’d shifted that writing bucket from my third bucket into my second ‘work’ bucket. That mental structure really helps me. It aids me, and once every six months or year or so, I always just re-consciously think about what am I spending my buckets on? And is it the right thing to be spending them on? I'm not ever busy. I'm just conscious about spending my time.

[0:19:06] MB: Yeah, I love that distinction, and it's amazing once you step back and just spend even 20 minutes as we talked about earlier thinking about how you should be spending your time and looking at how it's actually being spent, you can come up with some pretty, pretty insightful takeaways about ways that you're wasting time or spinning your wheels on dead time or doing things so that you feel like you're being productive when you're really not?

[00:19:31] NP: Yeah, I think there's a famous quote. I can't remember who said it. It said you know, show me your calendar and I'll tell you your priorities. Of course, that assumes that your schedule is up to date and filed and all that stuff. But that is a really good indicator of what you actually care about. It's how you spend your time.

[0:19:47] MB: Hey, what's up? It's Matt. I want to tell you about the most epic and life-changing thing that we've ever done here at The Science of Success. It's about to happen, and I wanted to personally invite you to join me. We're launching an incredible, live, in-person two-day intensive for fans of the show that want to take their lives to the next level. This will be an intimate two-day in-person deep dive with me where we will go over all of the biggest lessons and greatest life-changing insights that I've personally pulled from years of interviewing the world's top experts on The Science of Success, and I'm gonna show you exactly how to apply and implement them to 10x-ing your own life in 2020 and beyond.

I've spent months planning the life-changing content for this live in-person intensive, and here's what we're going to dig into. You can bring your own unique challenges and desires and get highly specific, tailored feedback on exactly what you need to do in order to achieve your biggest goals. We will personally dig into what's holding you back and find out exactly what you need to do to take your life to the next level. I'll show you how to become a master negotiator and deal with any conversation, no matter how tough. You’ll get the exact tools that you can apply right now to influence anybody using Jedi mind tricks. I'll show you what to do to banish fear from your life and to get rid of negative emotions.

We’ll reveal exactly how you can overcome procrastination and overwhelm, and increase your productivity by more than 10X, and I'm gonna show you how to finally end self sabotage and overcome what's holding you back. And this is only scratching the surface of the epic things that we're gonna cover in this live two-day event. Here's the most important thing. This is not a listen and learn session. This intensive is an immersive implementation experience where you'll walk away with a comprehensive model to take your life to the next level.

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[0:22:18] MB: I am personally committed that for every single person who attends this live intensive, that I will help you create massive results in your life, and I will do everything that it takes to make sure that you have an incredible experience and get the maximum amount of value possible. To find out more and to grab your seat for the intensive before it sells out, just go to successpodcast.com/live. That's successpodcast.com/live  to find out all the information.

The intensive is gonna be here in Nashville on January 27th and 28th. All the details and logistics are available at successpodcast.com/live. Grab your seat now. I cannot wait to see you and hang out with you and take your life to the next level here in Nashville in January. success podcast.com/live Grab your ticket today. 

[0:23:16] MB: So you touched on a minute ago, the new work that you've been doing about resilience. I want to dig into that a little bit. It's such an important topic. How did you come to take that on as a new project or a new area of focus?

[00:23:21] NP: Sure, it's really an evolution. So I'm 40 years old now at the time of this conversation. In my late twenties, my wife left me and my best friend took his own life. These are super hard and difficult things for anybody. And for me, I was a wreck. I was – I lost 40 pounds to distress. I got a therapist for the first time and I started my blog. 1000awesomethings.com was my personal therapeutic project to cheer myself up. That evolved into my first book, which is all about gratitude, and it's called The Book of Awesome. Five years later, I met Leslie. We fell in love. We got married. I'm giving you like the quick version here and on the plane home from our honeymoon she told me she was pregnant. 

I mean, on the plane. She bought the pregnancy test in the Kuala Lumpur Airport Pharmacy and she did the pregnancy test like 50,000 feet above sea level. We land home in Toronto. I then write a 300 page love letter to my unborn child about how to live a happy life. That love letter turns into a book called The Happiness Equation. So The Happiness Equation, my last book, is all about happiness and a lot of the stuff we've been talking about so far is kind of like from that kind of, that work and research and writing that I did.

Now, at the time of recording this, it's 2019 and I don't know when this will come out, but right at the end of 2019 we’re reporting and I'm 40 years old. I'm purportedly successful. Why, then that am I super thin skinned. Why, then when I get two likes on a photo am I like, “Nobody likes me”? Why, when I get a rude email from someone, am I like, “I need to delete this person from my life forever.” Like I want to like, just like – I can't handle it, you know? I'm actually weak, I'm fragile. I'm thin skinned and I look around and I see my own children, and I'm like, they're kind of like that, too. 

Is it a genetic thing? So I look around a little bit more. Guess what? It's all of us. We're all getting more and more anxious, lonely, depressed. We're living like an army of porcelain dolls. Why? Well, I have a thesis about this, and this is something I share in the introduction to my new book on resilience which is called You are Awesome. And that is this. We live in an era of the greatest abundance of all time. You're in Nashville? I'm in Toronto. We're having a conversation like we're old friends. Like that’s amazing. Like, you couldn't do this not that long ago. 

Not only that, we live longer than we've ever lived. We are healthier than we've ever been. We are safer than we've ever been. We have more money than we've ever had. By the way these are all generationally true, okay. Compare ourselves to previous generations or previous generations, higher education. Everything's better. Like we live in an era of infinite abundance.

And the point about safety is really valid. We don't have any gigantic huge famine. No great depression. No plague. No one's getting forcibly shipped off to war, which happened, like just a generation ago. We have it good. Unfortunately, and here's that here's the ‘ah ha’, the side effect of all this abundance is we no longer have the tools to handle failure or even perceived failure. Like the two likes on the photo, or the rude email. 

So the muscle I think we all are so desperate to build these days is resilience. How do we get mentally tougher? Because the world certainly will not help us. They will rampage us with messages telling us how much we suck and stink, and social media will feed us everyone else’s is pretty picture and six pack abs and the lobster buffet the mouths they're on to make your lunch look like crap. So you're on your own. So mental toughness or resilience is now my current focus area. And that's exactly why.

[0:26:47] MB: Such a great, insightful point. I wrote this down in bolded in my notes. We no longer have the tools to handle failure or even perceived failure.

[00:26:57] NP: Yeah, and this is the thing. Part of the problem right now is cell phones. Dr Jean Twengie, a researcher and professor at San Diego University has written about the fact that anxiety rates are up 30% over the past five years. By the way, anxiety rates have not gone up even double digits before that. Like, it's like a gigantic huge hockey stick-like curb, suddenly. In her report, she says this is due, her words not mine, to the ascendance of the smartphone.

I made some flippant comments earlier and I’ll right now, but the cell phones kill our productivity. 31% of our time is bookmarking, prioritizing, and switching between tasks now, they hurt us physically because bright screens before bedtime reduce our melatonin production, and we're all having 60 pounds of pressure when we’re texting and stuff like that tech neck and stuff. You've heard about it. And third of all, they're hurting us psychologically. You can no longer be the best anymore. You can't be the winner anymore. You can't be the best basketball player for your high school anymore because someone else is better on the Internet. 

Someone has more followers. Someone has more friends. You and I can have a quick conversation about our podcasts. You and I can name five people that have more downloads than us or five people have more better shows than us or bigger shows. We can. We will. Even when our shows double or triple in popularity and downloads, whatever, we will still be able to name five people, right?

Even Oprah is looking at how many followers Justin Bieber has on Twitter. You can't win. It's impossible. So that's why our anxiety rates are skyrocketing. It's not just that our loneliness rates are skyrocketing. We have purported connection with technology that actually creates disconnection because it's superficial, and we have higher rates of mental illness and depression and suicide than ever before.

[0:28:37] MB: You're painting a pretty bleak picture, and I agree in many ways, especially about smartphones, and you've made some really good points and I'm sure we'll dig into some strategies here in a minute, but you've named a ton of researchers and books, and resources. All of those are gonna be in the show notes for listeners who want to check them out. I'll also throw some other resources we have around breaking phone addictions and so forth too. 

But let's think into that. Tell me more about how we can, zooming out a little bit, how we can cultivate resilience, how we can start to learn to handle failure. And what are some of the specific things that we can do to really take action on that?

[00:29:13] NP: Sure, let me give you three tips to build mental strength or resilience. And these are things you can do, one in the morning, one during the day, and one at bedtime, okay? In the morning, I already told you, get rid of that cell phone. You have to get rid of it. The two most common excuses are, “It's an alarm clock.” Buy an alarm clock from Walmart, or, “It's needed for emergencies.” Get a landline. They're super cheap because no one has one and give it to your friends and family. Get the phone out of your bedroom. 

Instead, you could start your day with the 20 minute journalling exercise like I suggested. Or if you only have two minutes. Let me give you a two-minute research backed, mind strengthening practice that I do every morning when I get up. I shouldn't say every morning. I try to do it every morning. I do it most mornings. I call it Two Minute Mornings, and here's how it goes. Number one, answer the question, “I will let go of –” Number two, “I am grateful for –” and number three, “I will focus on –” That's it. I will let go of – I am grateful for – I will focus on – 

‘I will let go of’ is the first one. We used to go the Catholic confession chamber, you know? Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. The Gospel believes it's good to get things off your chest. There's research in Science magazine called Don't Look Back in Anger by Brasson and colleagues that also suggest that minimizing regrets as you age is good for you, okay? It makes you happier and live longer. It’s not just Catholicism by the way, Buddhism, Mormonism, Judaism, Islam, all have a form of confession built into their religious practices. However, Matt, guess what the fastest growing religion is in the world right now?

[0:30:38] MB: I don't know. Buddhism?

[00:30:39] NP: No religion! According to the National Geographic it is no religion. In fact, some countries, like Australia, France, UK, are about to cross into a secular majority, okay? So we need a form of contemporary confession. ‘I will let go of’ helps you crystallize and eject an anxiety and prevents it from swimming subconsciously your mind all day. I will let go of the 5 pounds I gained over the holidays. I will go of comparing my book to Tim Ferriss’s book, comparing my podcast to Tim Ferriss’s podcast. 

I will let go of the fact that I yelled at my toddler yesterday like I feel like a terrible dad, but I will let go of it. ‘I am grateful for’, this is based on research from Emmons and McCulloch that shows that if you write down 10 things you're grateful for at the end of the week, you’ll not only be happier but physically healthier after a 10 week period. The research, though, says that the gratitudes have to be specific, so you can't just write down like, “My husband, my kid and my job.” You have to write down, “When my husband, Antonio, put the toilet seat down. When my three year old son gave me a picture that he drew in school. When my boss gave me a compliment in the big morning meeting.” 

Specific. Specificity is important. Otherwise your brain is not really thinking about it. And the third thing is, “I will focus on.” I will focus on his way to carve a will do from your endless could do should do list, right? We all suffer from decision fatigue. Taking that 30 seconds in the morning to decide what the thing is that you're going to do today is awesome because then you can cross it off the next morning and you're done, okay.

“I will let go of. I’m grateful for. I will focus on,” is the morning practice I recommend to strengthen your mind for the day. Now I said I had three things. I said I had a lunchtime practice in an evening practice. You want the other two? 

[0:32:13] MB: Absolutely. 

[00:32:15] NP: Lunchtime. Okay. What should you be doing at lunchtime? First of all, I want you to be the most – If you work in an office environment, I would like you to become the most antisocial person in your office. Do not take your cell phone in your pocket, jump into a Toyota Corolla with four people heading over to the you know, local – what’s the chain I'm trying to think of. I don't know. I can literally picture – Oh Chili's. I was like picturing the red devil chili pepper. I was like, “What's the name of that restaurant?” Chili’s. 

Forget it. Don't do that. Do not participate in the team lunch. I'm sorry, but I want you to be antisocial. Instead. Leave your cell phone on your desk and go out and spend your lunch time doing a weird hobby. An unusual activity. According to research, Nobel Prize winners are 22 times more likely than their peer group, their scientific peer group, to take part in a strange, unusual or amateur hobby far outside their scientific discipline, like glass blowing or teaching magic or learning in the musical instrument or staring in a local town play.

Could you sign up for a cooking class? Could you go for a nature walk somewhere that nobody else goes? Could you take a – an aerobics class that you've never taken before or get a personal trainer if you're scared of the gym, like get a personal trainer, start – do something that's unusual for you. According to the research, this will avoid something called cognitive entrenchment, which is what happens to all of us as we get older and we increasingly specialized, we get too mentally fragile. It's the opposite of resilience. 

If you wouldn't develop greater resilience of mental strength, you have to broaden yourself. Do things far outside your comfort zone. If you can't do it at lunch, fine. In the evenings, take a cooking class, take a music class, pick up an instrument you don't know anything about, etcetera. Do something really weird and different because that will bring new learnings back to your core discipline or core focus area. 

By the way, side note, I interviewed Chris Anderson for my podcast, so my podcast is called Three Books. I ask people which three books changed your life. Chris Anderson runs TED. The whole thing. TED Conference. He said, “Neil, this is exactly how I designed TED. It's a series of incongruent ideas, presented as TED talks, where by the end of the conference, every single attendee has a gigantic ha ha. They have a cool new insight related to their core discipline because they were presented with such incongruent thinking. 

Most famous example, of course, is Steve Jobs taking that calligraphy course at Reed College, which helped to make that thought on the Mac computer, like many years later. Have a weird hobby, okay.

Number three. At night time. We all talk about this thing these days called intermittent fasting like, do you know what I am talking about, Matt, intermittent fasting?

[0:34:38] MB: Yes, for sure

[00:34:38] NP: You heard about it. Everyone's heard about it. Your listeners are probably all over the stuff. What we should be talking about is intermittent fasting on our cell phones. What we should be talking about intermittent fasting on our technology. For how many hours of the day can you completely untether yourself from The Matrix? That's to me the bigger question and why should we do it? 

Well, there's research that shows that when you aren't connected to your cell phone, you let your thoughts ferment, congeal, spark. You're more creative. You're more impassioned. You stopped doing things right and you go to doing the right things. You move from the front of the deck ship to the captain's seat on the ocean liner, you know? You go from living in the washing machine to looking at the washing machine. It helps you zoom out. 

So there's a couple ways to do this. One is you can try my technique, which is on Friday afternoons. I give my wife, Leslie my cell phone, and I say, “Hide this from me till fantasy football starts on Sunday.” Okay, which I know it sounds like not that much, but from Friday afternoon to Sunday afternoon, that's a lot. That's like 48 hours for me. No cell phone a week. Okay. And every night I got, I told you, I put cell phone in the basement and I put it in airplane mode. So I also have, like, untethering that happens at end of the day. 

If you can't do that, then there's a product I just learned about called Pom Box. The website is getpobox.com. It's a small, beautiful wood looking box. You put cell phone in, you set the timer and it locks you from your cell phone until the timer dings or opens it up. So a woman emailed me and told me about this. She said me and my husband were starting to realize we were distracted at dinner like from her own kids, you know. And we don't like that. We don't want to be distracted from our own kids. So we got a Pom Box, and from 5:30 to 8:30 each evening we go untouchable is what I call it. You are awesome. Going untouchable. And we put our phones in there for three hours. So that we could do like the bed, bath, and dinner routine as a family and actually make eye contact with people. 

Those three things, just to summarize, are a two minute morning practice. “I will let go of, I'm grateful for, I will focus on.” A lunchtime or some other time during the week, unusual or weird hobby that gets you out of your comfort zone. Remembering that you're learning rate is the steepest when you know the least. And finally at night or on the weekends, going untouchable, unplugging from the Matrix and thinking about how to intermittently fast on your cell phone.

[0:36:54] MB: All of those are great strategies and really, really interesting. The stat about the Nobel Prize winner is being 22 times more likely to have a weird or amateur hobby is so interesting. I'm curious on all of these things, and this is something that I've heard in the past or people who hear some of these strategies. How much of this notion of, let's say, getting off of your phone or carving out time for deep focus? How much is that apply or specifically, focus around someone who's a creative? Let's, say, a writer, an artist, et cetera, versus somebody who's, for example, managing a company or managing a team are trying to grow a business?

[00:37:32] NP: Two things on that. One is – So I'm 40. I am Indian, so I was supposed to be a doctor. So my life was an undergraduate business degree from, at the time, the top ranked business school in Canada, a master's of business degree from Harvard Business School, 10 years working at Walmart as project manager to our CEO and director of leadership. 

So my whole background  is kind of about that world. But I also deeply believe that everybody inside them has some little flame that is their creative mojo. And whether that’s singing, whether that's making music, whether that's stand-up comedy, when that's doing a podcast like you do, Matt, whether that's like selling stuff on Etsy. Like everyone's got, like this thing that they just really want to do for another reason and they love to do it. And so I hope that the strategies I've presented here kind of applied to both. Meaning that I spent 10 years in corporate kind of coming up that chain and also now I'm leaning more into my creative side because I think everybody has that. 

So I think you can apply it to both. Certainly, the time management stuff, the structuring stuff and how to kind of turn your mindset around each day with the 20 minute exercise. I think that applies everybody,

[0:38:39] MB: You know, you touched on something else that I think is really important and ties back to another concept of yours that I think is great, which is the notion of being a novice, being a beginner, getting out of your comfort zone, and as that as you called it. I think previously the idea of a failure budget. Tell me a little bit about that concept?

[00:38:55] NP: Sure. And I mentioned this idea called cognitive entrenchment. And if you want to read a little bit more on staying wide longer, a great book on this topic is called Range by David Epstein. E-P-S-T-E-I- N. That's where I got the the Nobel Prize Winners research study was from. I don't think he did the study, but he quotes that study in that book. It’s where I first became aware of it. 

So say you believe me on all this stuff and you're like, “Okay, the person used the most successful life is actually not the person who has had the most successes.” That's what we are inclined to think. That is not true. It is actually the person who has had the disproportionately higher amount of failures. Example, wedding photographer. “How did you get 50 awesome pictures of this wedding?” If you ask them, they always say the same thing. “I have 1500 bad ones. Like I took 2000 or I guess 1550 if I do my math, photos at this two-hour wedding. So of course I got 50 good ones.”

 Look at sports. The guy who has the most wins. Cy Young also has the most losses. The guy who has the most strikeouts, Nolan Ryan, also has the most walks. The most active quarterback with the most Super Bowl championships, Tom Brady, also, the active quarterback with the most Super Bowl losses, Tom Brady. 

See what I’m saying? If you’re wishing on this, then you believe that you have to increase your failure rate. It's hard to do that, especially isn't adult because we overtly specialize and we get good at one thing and success blocks future success. So what do you do? I, on January 1st of every year, my wife and I each take money from our joint account and we put into our personal account. We call it our failure budget. 

One thing that comes out of that is like frivolous stuff like my fantasy football stuff comes out of there, for example. But also I use that money as like a no excuses way to just spend on randomness. Again, examples like flying to some city with a friend to hear a concert by a band that he or she really likes that you've never heard of because you just decided to do it. Taking a sport up. Taking a sport up as an adult is so healthy for you. Remember ninth grade gym class? You do it different sport every week. What does every adult do? Nothing. Or maybe like one thing. Just jog. Or they like just play basketball. 

But pushing yourself in your comfort zone is much, much, much healthier. So failure budget helps and the reason it helps us because you could just make it a small percentage of your income. If you make $50,000, you could say I spend $50 anything I want to try. Or just move the decimal place over a few points, and then you have no excuses, so you are more likely to try new things. And when you try new things, you learn more. So, your failure rate goes up and your success rate eventually goes up.

[0:41:25] MB: Great point. And David Epstein's book, Range, one of the best books I read in the last 12 months. Probably my most recommended book of 2019. And I’ll  throw in, we did interview him a couple months ago. Throw it on the show notes for listeners who want to dig in. But even, you said something there that I thought was really interesting, which is this notion that success blocks future success. Can you elaborate on that a little bit?

[00:41:45] NP: Yeah, here’s the thing: most of us were born as blobs were little bob blobs of brains of them. And so your parents’ goal is to expose it to a breath of things. You look at shapes and colors and you do drawing and you do sports and you're doing everything. Everything. Eventually you specialize. You feel like you have to. And maybe you stay brought his long felt. Maybe take liberal arts education or you dabble in the bunch things where you spend your twenties, I think as you should, doing a bunch of different things. 

Okay, I think the twenties are the decade of experimentation in many ways you just try as many new things in that decade as possible. Because it's the after the two decades of like forced learning and before your like seven decades of like living or running a family, if that's what you want to do, or being part of a family. So, it’s like twenties are your decade to play. Okay? The play decade, the experimentation decade. 

But here's what happens to most people in their twenties. You do something that works. Let's just say you sell a condo. Let's just say you get your real estate license and you sell one condo. You are not sure if you like real estate. You're not sure if it's for you, but you sell one condo and you get a $10,000 commission, and you're like, “Oh, my gosh, like I'm good at this.” So you tell people, “I got some business cards made. I'm a real estate agent now.” And when you go to parties, people know you as their real estate agent friend. You have had success in that area. They want to talk to you about interest rates, their house, when they should list with you or sell their house or blah, blah, blah. All those conversations served to deepen your own specialty in that one area. 

What's the downside? Well, say you become a millionaire by the time you're 30 as a real estate agent. You might think you made it, and maybe you have. But here's the question. I would ask you, “What other success could you have had, should you have had or would you have had if you had let yourself state broader longer?  Could you have pursued ballet till the time when you were dancing at the Met?” Right? We don't know because that success you had as a real estate agent blocked the future success you could have had in other areas. 

What's the way out of that? How do you mentally unfurl yourself from all the sleeping bags you’re rolled up in? Go to parties where you don't know anybody. Have a failure budget where you're trying new things. Put yourself in situations out of your comfort zone. Keep letting yourself experiment and play being open to Black Swan opportunities so that you jack up your mental strength and your resilience and make yourself, I hate to use the word, like more polymath-ish. You know, so you can do what I was talking about earlier and get a series of incongruent ideas in your mind so that you are stronger as a person. 

[0:44:05] MB: Very good advice. And that's something that I personally struggle with as well and having so many different projects and interesting things, it’s always confusing to try and yeah, at a cocktail party where you know, people it's easy to get pigeonholed, and it's hard to sometimes break out of that.

[00:44:20] NP: Yeah, that's what you have to try. A great book is The Black Swan by Naseem Taleb. Go to parties where you don't know anybody. Put a chip on a roulette wheel on every number and give it a spin. People ask me, “Neil, why did you start Three Books?” Like, “Why did you start your podcast?” And I said, I say to them, “It's because it turns out that the stuff I love doing since I was a kid, writing and speaking, it turns out, as I'm getting closer to 40, I'm getting paid for that stuff. I'm always getting paid for it, and I and nothing to push myself wider, all over the place. Just in crazy directions.” Is to start my podcast. Three Books. I'd purposely made it no ads so that I won't be beholden to anybody. 

I want to do it for 15 years so I can uncover the 1000 most formative books in the world. And who am I interviewing Matt? I just told you before, I'm trying to interview like, I interviewed the world's greatest Uber driver about customer service. I interviewed the woman who has founded the world's largest feminist magazine. Do I know much about feminism or feminist magazines? No. So I got to ask her like, “What's feminism? What's first wave Feminism? How do you define a feminist?” You know, I ask dumb questions because it's a way to broaden myself and put myself in situations where I get to play the fool. Because I am a fool, because we're all fools because the world's too big and complex to really know anything. And the podcast Three Books is a way for me to expose myself to endless Black Swan opportunities. 

It's an excuse, because it's being recorded and released, for people to start to say, “Yes,” to talking to me. Malcolm Gladwell I don't think we have said yes to my show if I was just like, “Hey, Malcolm, can I come over to your living room and, like, talk to you about books?” That answer would've been No. I was like, “Hey, could I talk to you about your three most formative books and release it when your new book comes out? Sharing with people what I thought of your new book, Talking to Strangers and your three most formative books?” Now the answer is yes. And I get to benefit from that conversation and, of course, record it and share it with people. 

So to me, it's like putting a learning kind of accelerated hill in my life. And I made it a countdown and I made it scheduled. All that stuff I did, Matt, that’s what it forces me to do it. Same with my blog back in the day, 1000awesomethings.com It was one awesome thing, every single week day at 12:01 a.m. for 1000 week days in a row. The system creates the laziness in a way, because I have to do it by the deadline I set.

[0:46:23] MB: Yeah, such a good perspective and and I couldn't agree more about podcasting as a powerful framework to open up all kinds of doors and opportunities? I want to dial this back to something really simple. For somebody who's been listening to us that wants to concretely implement or take action on one thing that we've talked about. What would be the one piece of homework or action item you would give them to start implementing these ideas?

[00:46:50] NP: Start or finish your day by reading 20 pages of fiction from a good book. Reading is – books are magic and reading his medicine. A few years ago, I read five books a year. Then my wife made fun of me and I read 50 books a year. In one year. I wrote an article about how he did that called Eight Ways to Read a Lot More Books This Year. It got published in Harvard Business Review in January of 2017. It became the most read article on the whole website, HBR Network, over that year, and you could link to it in the show notes. That tipped me off that everybody wants to read more. It wasn’t that the article was so well written. It was like when you see the headline Eight Ways to Read a Lot More Books, everyone’s like, “Well, I would like to do that, but I can't. So what did this guy do?

You click the article. Guess what? My advice is no brainer. It's like move the TV to the basement, put a bookshelf at your front door, commit to what you're going to read. So I started an email list of what I'm gonna read. Now because I have the books podcast now, the Three Books Podcast and I like totally eliminated like television, news media, I canceled two newspaper subscriptions, canceled five magazines subscription. All my time and energy outside of my day to day is reading.

I now – this year I'm gonna read like, something like 175 books a year, which I don't think that is sustainable, to be honest with you. But I have to reach 75 year just for my podcast. And because I'm starting and finishing the day with books, it adds up and it makes me, and it will make you a better leader, a better writer, a better speaker, a better father, a better mother, a better sister, a better brother, a better parent. 

Everything goes, gets better when you inhabit multiple consciences. It comes from the quote from Game of Thrones, which is ‘a reader lives 1000 lives before he dies. The man who never reads lives only one.’

[0:48:27] MB: Love the Game of Thrones reference. What a great way to put a bow on that. So Neil, for listeners who want to find more about you and your work online, what is the best place for them to do that.

[00:48:36] NP: Well, my podcast is called Three Books, and my website is called neil.blog.

[0:48:42] MB: Well, Neal, thank you so much for sharing all this wisdom and all these insights with the listeners.

[00:48:47] NP: Matt, thank you. You are doing an amazing service for the world. I love your podcast it's a real flattering honor to be invited. Thank you for having me.

[00:48:56] MB: Thank you so much for listening to The Science of Success. We created this show to help you, our listeners, master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say, “Hi,” shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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Don't forget, if you want to get all the incredible information we talked about in the show, links transcripts, everything we discussed and much more, be sure to check out our show notes. You can get those at successpodcast.com, just hit the show notes button right at the top. 

Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.

January 02, 2020 /Lace Gilger
Emotional Intelligence, High Performance
Tara Swart-02.png

Where Science & Spirituality Meet: Does The Law of Attraction Work? with Dr. Tara Swart

October 24, 2019 by Lace Gilger in Emotional Intelligence, High Performance

Have you always wondered if the “Law of Attraction” is real? In this episode we dig into the science behind visualization, manifesting and much more to find out what really works and what doesn’t. We share strategies for access your intuition and aligning your emotions, your intuition and your rational thought process to supercharge your brain, show you how to beat imposter syndrome, and much more with our guest Dr. Tara Swart.

Dr. Tara Swart is a neuroscientist and former psychiatric doctor. She is a senior lecturer at MIT Sloan and visiting senior lecturer at Kings College London, and an executive advisor to some of the world's most respected leaders in media and business. In 2016 she was named the world's first Neuroscientist-in-Residence at Corinthia Hotel, London. She is the author of the award-winning Neuroscience for Leadership, co-author of An Attitude for Acting, and lead author of her soon to be released third book, The Source.

  • Can we merge science and spirituality?

  • Is there science that actually explains the “law of attraction?"

  • “The way that you think determines your life"

  • Because of the way that you think you attract certain things into your life.

  • The concept of abundant thinking

  • The mental model “loss aversion” and why losses are more painful than gains

  • Mastering your emotions, cultivating intuition, they are all very similar to learning a new language

    • Raising your awareness is the first step

    • Focused attention - look for opportunities where you can behave differently

      1. Look back at the past or journal now

      2. Notice where you’re not doing it an think differently

    • Deliberate practice - committing to intentional abundant thinking even if that’s not your natural default

    • Accountability - make a commitment to a friend or someone else

  • Replace any negative thought with a positive thought immediately - an ancient Buddhist lesson that is supported by the neuroscience of neuroplasticity

  • What should you do if you can’t dislodge a negative thought from your brain?

  • If you have a repetitive negative thought or a theme to a negative narrative in your brain - distill it down to the basic underlying belief that drives that negative thought - create an opposite state and use that as your positive affirmation or mantra (check out limiting belief episodes for more)

  • Use laughter and oxytocin to powerfully encode or recode beliefs

  • How do you deal with imposter syndrome?

  • Strategies for overcoming imposter syndrome

    • Positive affirmations

    • Journaling on accomplishments/achievements

    • If your fear is founded in a fact, then go and fix that fact (i.e. get training, etc)

    • Realize that everyone experiences imposter syndrome

  • Does visualization work? Visualization makes things more certain for the brain.

  • How creating a vision board can powerfully improve your brain’s focus on your goals

  • Value tagging and selective attention - by visualizing your future you start to prime the brain to focus on the things that you want to be important.

  • “The Tetris Effect” - Do your visualization board as the last thing you do before you go to bed to prime and feed information into your subconscious.

  • The period of time that you’re about to fall asleep is the period where your subconscious can be the MOST influenced.

  • Visualization is an umbrella that three big things fall under

    • Creating a vision board (or an Action Board)

  • Neuroplasticity is the ability to change your brain. What you think and how you live can actually change physical things in your body.

  • What you say and what you do changes your body and your physiology.

  • Brain Agility

    • Mastering Emotions

    • Trusting Intuition

    • Brain-Body Connection

    • Logic & Decision Making

    • Motivated & Resilience

    • Creativity & Designing Your Future

  • Journaling is the “single best way” to access your intuition and align your emotions, your intuition and your rational thought process.

  • You can avoid repeating the same mistakes if you start to tap into and access your intuition

  • There’s a large neuronal connection between the gut neurons and the limbic system

  • If you take a high-quality probiotic it can reduce negative thinking in your life

  • There’s a deep connection between your gut and your brain

  • Probiotics, prebiotics, and fermented foods can improve your brain, your happiness, and your performance

  • Meta-cognition - thinking about your thinking. Stepping back and asking yourself if your thought processes are healthy and helpful

    • Is there something you believe is a barrier to your success?

    • Could someone else point of view be helpful and better for you?

    • The beliefs that have been there the longest are the hardest to see - the early ones from childhood are so much a part of us that we can’t see them

  • An awesome exercise you can use to improve your meta-cognition and reframe your thinking

    • Make an ideal statement that you want in your life

    • In column one - write down every single barrier to that statement. Come up with as many reasons as you can. Pull out every barrier you possibly can.

      1. I don’t have the money

      2. I don’t have the time

      3. I don’t have control

      4. There are other people, etc

    • In column two - write the opposite statement to all the barriers even if they couldn’t possibly be true

    • In column three - write as if the second column is now true - what do you do differently?

      1. Not what you would do, “what I do differently” not “what I WOULD do differently”

      2. Don’t put it into the future - create it for you NOW.

    • Group those answers by themes.

    • Usually, a bunch of those are things you could already start doing right away.

  • Homework: Create an action board. The structure of the board is important. Don’t use words - that go down the logical/rational pathway.

    • Look out for opportunities in your life to execute and take action towards these goals.

    • Annually is the cadence

    • Goals for the next year or lifetime goals, leave a bit of room for magic

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Want To Dig In More?! - Here’s The Show Notes, Links, & Research

General

  • Dr. Swart’s Website

  • Dr. Swart’s LinkedIn, Twitter, and Facebook

Media

  • Fast Company - “What brain supplements can and can’t do, according to a neuroscientist” by Tara Swart

  • “These Are The 5 Brain Skills You’ll Need In The Future Of Work”

  • “This is how you train your brain to be more creative” by Tara Swart

  • Article Directory at Forbes and Medium

  • [Faculty Profile] MIT Sloan - Dr. Tara Swart

  • [Book Review] Books In My Opinion - The Source - Dr Tara Swart

  • The Evening Standard - “Brain gain: The Source is a mind manual that might just change your life” by Alix O'Neill

  • Business Insider - “A neuroscientist explains the 5 most effective methods to keep your brain healthy” by David Ibekwe 

  • Thrive Global - “3 Tips for Building Your Best Brain: Your brain will thank you.” By Rachel Palekar

  • Yahoo Finance - “Why neuroscientist Tara Swart recommends 12 minutes of mindfulness a day” by Lara O'Reilly

  • Peter Fisk - “Neuroplasticity: The Secret of “The Source” … Tara Swart’s new book on how to change your brain to live a better life”

  • Daily Mail - “How to train your brain to make your dreams come true: Neuroscientist Dr Tara Swart reveals the simple mind tricks that could turn your life around” by Dr. Tara Swart

  • Luxury Travel Advisor - “Neuroscientist Dr. Tara Swart Shares Top 10 Tips On How To Beat Jetlag”

  • The Telegraph - “She Wears It Well: Neuroscientist Tara Swart knows how to dress to ease brain strain” by  Olivia Buxton Smith

  • Whitney Johnson - “How Your Brain Processes Disruption: Interview with Dr. Tara Swart”

  • Financial Times - “Women in Business — Tara Swart” by Charlotte Clarke

  • [Podcast] Stellar's Podcast Series with Shaun McCambridge: 9: Dr. Tara Swart – Debunking Neuroscience - Part 1 (posted 9 days ago)

    • Dr Tara Swart - Debunking Neuroscience Part 2

  • [Podcast] Dr. Chatterjee - How to Open Your Mind and Change Your Life with Dr Tara Swart

  • [Podcast] How to Be Awesome at Your Job - 494: How to Train Your Brain for Maximum Growth with Dr. Tara Swart

Videos

  • TEDxTalks - Technology and the Future of the Human Brain | Tara Swart | TEDxSaoPaulo

  • Neuroscience and Nationalism | Tara Swart | TEDxLSE

  • Inc. - 3 Ways To Become A Morning Person | Inc.

    • How Much Sleep You Really Need, According To Science | Inc.

    • Why You Get Imposter Syndrome And How to Overcome It | Inc.

  • Sporting Edge - Tara Swart explains reasons why your brain needs sleep

  • MIT Sloan Executive Education - Neuroscience for Leadership

  • Brand Learning - View from neuroscience: Dr Tara Swart on how to excel at leadership in an AI World

Books

  • The Source: The Secrets of the Universe, the Science of the Brain  by Tara Swart

  • Neuroscience for Leadership: Harnessing the Brain Gain Advantage (The Neuroscience of Business)  by T. Swart, Kitty Chisholm, and Paul Brown

  • An Attitude for Acting: How to Survive (and Thrive) as an Actor (Paperback) - Common by Dr. Tara Swart and Andrew Tidmarsh

Misc

  • [SoS Episodes] Limiting Beliefs

  • [App] HabitShare

  • [Academic Article] “Positive fantasies about idealized futures sap energy” by Heather Barry Kappes and Gabriele Oettingen

Episode Transcript

[00:00:04.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[0:00:11.8] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success; the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the Internet with more than four million downloads and listeners in over a hundred countries.

Have you always wondered if the law of attraction is real? In this episode, we dig into the science behind visualization, manifesting and much more to find out what really works and what doesn't. We share strategies for accessing your intuition and aligning your emotions, your intuition and your rational thought process to supercharge your brain. We talk about beating impostor syndrome and much more with our guest, Dr. Tara Swart.

Are you a fan of the show and have you been enjoying the content that we put together for you? If you have, I would love it if you signed up for our e-mail list. We have some amazing content on there, along with a really great free course that we put a ton of time into called How To Create Time for What Matters Most In Your Life.

If that sounds exciting and interesting and you want a bunch of other free goodies and giveaways along with that, just go to successpodcast.com. You can sign up right on the homepage. That’s successpodcast.com. Or if you’re on your phone right now, all you have to do is text the word smarter, that’s S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44-222.

In our previous episode, we looked at how one of the greatest geniuses of all time lost his life savings overnight. We talked about despite our illusions of rationality, even the most brilliant humans are not rational at all. We tell ourselves that it's always the other person who's irrational, envious and aggressive and that it's never us. Science shows that all of our brains are remarkably similar, sculpted by evolution to have baked in biases and bad habits. No one is exempted from the laws of human nature.

In our previous episode, we explored the path that all of the world's greatest strategists have used to master their own irrationality and achieve mastery with our legendary guest, Robert Greene. If you want to take control of your life, listen to our previous episode.

Now, for our interview with Tara.

[0:02:23.0] MB: Today, we have another exciting guest on the show, Dr. Tara Swart. Tara is a neuroscientist and former psychiatric doctor. She's a senior lecturer at MIT Sloan and visiting senior lecturer at Kings College London and an executive advisor to some of the world's most respected leaders in media and business.

In 2016, she was named the world's first neuroscientist in residence at Corinthia Hotel London. She is the lead author the award-winning Neuroscience for Leadership, co-author of An Attitude for Acting and the author of the newly released book The Source. Tara, welcome to the Science of Success.

[0:03:00.0] TS: Thank you so much. I'm just actually loving the fact that the strapline of the book is the secrets of the universe, the science of the brain, so we're already aligned.

[0:03:08.1] MB: Oh, absolutely. Yeah. I love some of the stuff you talk about in the book and it's such an interesting, maybe even serendipitous time to interview you. One of the things that's always been so fascinating and interesting for me, and I've read voraciously around this intersection between science and spirituality. Your book, you're obviously a scientist, doctor very rooted and scientifically-driven, evidence-focused. Tell me about how you came to write this book and how you started approaching merging those two ideas?

[0:03:40.8] TS: Yeah, thank you. I think that's what everybody sees on the surface, isn't it? That I'm an MD and I have a PhD in neuroscience. I've always said, I'm also a person and I have things that I'm interested in. To some extent, you do feel you can't really talk about it if you're an MD and a scientist. For example, the spiritual side of things.

As I grew up in London with Indian parents, I felt a real conflict between the life that I had at home and the life that I had at school and with my friends. I learnt from an early age how to keep things separate. Then I went to medical school and studied neuroscience and became a doctor. I was practicing in psychiatry for seven years and spirituality doesn't really come into to those things. I would still do yoga sometimes, but I think that those things really drifted apart.

When I changed career and started applying neuroscience to mental health and mental performance, those things naturally started to come back together. The idea for writing a book that really brought those things together was a little germinating seed in my mind, for I think probably a couple of years, if not more.

I'll give you an example of the things that you don't talk about. Quite a few years ago, now maybe five, seven years ago, I went on a yoga retreat in Ibiza and I had some Reiki. When the book came out, the Reiki person contacted me on Instagram and said, “You told me you were going to write this book, remember?” I didn't remember. I think the idea had been there for a very long time, deeply hidden in my brain. When the opportunity arose to write it, I jumped at the chance and actually writing it really brought those two sides of my life together for me.

[0:05:35.8] MB: Such a great way to start that journey. I'm curious getting into the specifics of it a little bit more, what did you find, or how did you start to combine those two things? Because many people and I certainly count myself in some either previous iterations, or even today in some ways, really struggle to combine or marry science and spirituality. How did you think about the disconnects, the distances and how do you bridge that gap?

[0:06:04.8] TS: Well actually, because I am interested in things, like the law of attraction and vision boards, I wanted to know if they could be backed up by cognitive science. I'd been doing them and learning about it at the same time. What I hear from people who have read the book is that the science compels us to take action on things that we might think well, that's just a – it's a new age thing, or it's a spiritual thing.

I had been doing vision boards for quite a few years and we can talk about that later. Where I started was with the area that I was most skeptical about, which was the law of attraction. I googled it and there's 12, but actually when you research it, there isn't really agreement about what the 12 are. I had to start by distilling it down to the 12 most acknowledged ones. Then I started looking into the science behind them. Immediately, 10 of the 12 I could explain by neuroscience.

That's when I thought, “Okay, this is going to be really interesting.” I've been really honest in the book and said the one or two, I can't give you an explanation for how these work, but it's probably not going to harm you. If you're doing the other 10, you may as well do them as well, or if you want to leave them out, you can leave them out.

[0:07:18.3] MB: Let's dig into that a little bit more. Tell me about what even is the law of attraction and why, or how does the science support it?

[0:07:29.4] TS: There's many ways to describe it, but I think it's really summed up very nicely in this phrase, the way that we think determines our life. That because of the way that you think, you attract certain things into your life. Wherever this has been written about before, it's been explained by quantum science and vibrations and field energy. I think that's why it's received so much criticism. It always struck me that if it's to do with the way you think, then it should be explained by psychology and neuroscience, because those are the sciences of thinking.

Yeah, so I started looking into it. The one that I have picked out is number one and because I think it's the most important one is abundant thinking. The science behind that is a term called ‘loss aversion’, which is the fact that our brain is geared for survival reasons. To avoid loss more than it seeks reward. The psychological effect of this gearing is two to two and a half times stronger for loss avoidance than for gaining reward.

The easiest way to bring that to your mind is if you parked your car in the parking lot this morning and you walked to your office and you realize that you dropped $50 out of your pocket, you'd be really annoyed. You'd probably go back and check the parking lot a couple of times. You'd still be thinking about that for several hours, if not still thinking about it last thing at night before you go to sleep. If instead of that, you walked from your car to the office and you found $50 dollars lying on the ground in the parking lot, you would be pleasantly surprised. You might keep it. You might give it to charity, but you wouldn't be thinking about that even an hour later.

The equivalent loss or gain, the loss has a more psychologically powerful effect. That served us when we lived in the cave and it allowed us to survive as a species. In the modern world, it's not as helpful. In a safe scenario, cultivating abundant thinking where you believe there's enough out there for everyone you believe that good things will happen, you're generous because you don't feel you're in competition for resources. That's a way of thinking that actually changes what happens in the real world, because it changes what you do, it changes who you hang out with, it changes the perspectives and filters that you have about how the world works.

[0:09:54.5] MB: I want to come back to something you touched on a minute ago. I want to explore this more further, but you touch briefly on this notion of vibrations. That's one that as somebody who considers myself somewhat of a rational skeptic about many things, when I hear vibrations it almost sets off alarm bells like, “Oh, this can't be scientifically validated. This can't be reason.”

It just seems a little bit too woo-woo for me. How do you start to integrate that into – as somebody who comes out of the hard sciences, how do you integrate that into your perspective of things, like the law of attraction, things like personal development, etc.?

[0:10:31.4] TS: I mean, my first reaction is to say I don't. I believe that the law of attraction and that your thought process should be explained by cognitive science, not by a vibrational science, if you like. I’d put that in quote marks, “being very skeptical.”

However, there are a few things about social and emotional contagion that that feeling of when you go into a certain person's home or office that you just feel so drained and negative after spending time with them. There are some chemical and endocrine explanations for why that happens. Basically, if people are suppressing large amounts of stress and they've got high levels of cortisol, that can actually increase your cortisol levels, which then makes you feel stressed and negative.

There are some things like that, but I think basically that when I talk about the laws of attraction, all the personal development exercises that I've included in the book, I don't talk about vibrations.

[0:11:32.5] MB: Fair enough. I think that that, what you – you made a really good point that underscores a lot of this, which you said earlier, though there might be some pieces of this that are not supported by science, a huge amount of it is really robustly supported and has not only evidence backing into the science, but also really tangible results in the real world of positive outcomes that they've created for people.

[0:11:56.4] TS: Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I mentioned the vision boards and I've done them for about 10 years now and I've got great stories for my own, about how the things on my vision boards have come true. You hear these stories. Now that the book is out, I'm actually getting messages on Instagram from people I don't know. When I hear the stories from my friends, I think, “Yeah. Yeah. I told you it would work.” When I get messages from strangers saying, “I arrived at this vacation destination and oh, my goodness. Look, the picture’s exactly the same as what was on my board.”

Or I get messages from people saying, “My boyfriend proposed to me.” I've had messages about being engaged, being married, getting pregnant, going freelance, this travel stuff. They come up a lot. It's actually just making me believe it even more.

[0:12:45.7] MB: Let's go back to the notion of abundance thinking. How do we start to cultivate a mindset of abundance and what happens to us and our lives and our thinking patterns when we do?

[0:12:58.3] TS: I think the first step is to decide that that's what you want to do. Actually, I talk about a four-step process for any behavior change. I make the analogy that anything you want to do, whether it's cultivating abundant thinking, whether it's mastering your emotions, whether it's accessing your intuition, it's exactly the same physiological process in the brain as learning a new language.

It starts with raising awareness, which is that basically asking yourself is my life exactly how I always dreamed it would be. If it's not, then would thinking in different ways potentially help me to achieve the life that I would like to have? Then once you're aware of what you need to do, we'll use the example of abundant thinking.

The next step is called focused attention and it's about looking for opportunities, where you could behave differently. Either looking back at the past, or journaling now and saying, “Okay, so there was this opportunity to travel for work, but I didn't take it because I thought that if I left the office, my team would manage fine without me and I'd basically not be needed anymore.” That thing. You start to notice where you're not doing it and you potentially could think differently.

The third stage is deliberate practice. It's committing to intentionally thinking abundantly, even if that's not your natural default. There's an ancient Buddhist philosophy that says you should replace any negative thought with a positive thought immediately. I write about this in the book. It's a Buddhist philosophy, but it's very much backed up by the science of neuroplasticity, which is how the brain changes, either itself or in response to things that we expose it to.

Every time we recall a thought, or a memory, or we have this narrative in our mind about something negative, it reinforces the neural pathway that supports that thought. As soon as you start thinking, “Oh, I'd never be able to start up my own business,” you immediately replace that with, “One day, I'll start up my own business.” You're reducing the number of negative thoughts and overwriting them with a new positive thought.

The way that neuroplasticity works, or brain pathways develop, or wither with disuse, you can't really undo something that's already a pathway in the brain, so you need to overwrite it with the new desired behavior. The final key to this whole process is about accountability. If you said, “After this podcast, I'd like to think more abundantly,” but then you didn't really do much about it and I caught up with you in six months’ time and you said, “Oh, yeah. I tried for a few weeks and then life got in the way.” That's basically because you're missing the key part of accountability.

You would either make a commitment to me or a friend or write it in your journal, but a bit more than that. Make a commitment so that you're held accountable. Or use technology. I like this app called HabitShare and I have at any one time 10 habits that I'm trying to cultivate. I shared the exercise, one with a colleague, I keep something private. You can share some of them with family. You can use technology to hold yourself accountable, but I always feel that for example with my coaching clients, they know that in a month's time, I'm going to come back and say, “Did you do that thing that we talked about?” That they're much more likely to do it, because they know that I'm going to ask.

[0:16:21.3] MB: That's a really important point about having accountability, because it's such a great way to create adherence to any new behavior pattern. I want to circle back and dig in a little bit deeper around this idea of neuroplasticity. I think it's such a critical strategy. I have two questions, which are interrelated; one is what would you say to somebody who either can't or feels they can't dislodge a negative thought from their head and it keeps repeating itself, keeps pinging around in there?

The second thing which is a corollary of that is how do you start to at a very practical and implementable level in your life, start to actually proactively use the science of neuroplasticity to overwrite thoughts and behavior patterns and brain infrastructure that you want to change?

[0:17:10.5] TS: Okay. You might have to remind me of the second part of the question again.

[0:17:13.7] MB: Fair enough.

[0:17:14.5] TS: Because I have quite a lot to say about the first part. Actually, I'm just going a little bit back to what we were saying before about replacing a negative thought with a positive one, what I encourage people to do is that if you have a repetitive negative thought, or a theme to your negative narrative, then you try to distill it down to the basic underlying belief that drives that negative thought.

Then what you do is you create an opposite statement and then you use that as your positive affirmation, or your mantra, whichever word you like to use. Again, that struggle between the spiritual world and the more scientific world.

A lot of people say, think, “I can't do something, or that will never happen for me.” You simply change it to, “I can do X, or one day that will happen for me.” I ask people to really use their own words and their own voice, something that's going resonate with them. It's quite difficult to choose that for someone. I sometimes make suggestions, but it's really important that you go where and think about it and think okay, what's really underneath all of this? Then create your personal statement that opposes that.

It really is a case of immediately replacing the thought. I used to have a list in my journal of things I'd accomplished, or compliments that I'd been given, new things that was proud of in my career. That if I started having negative thoughts, I could immediately go to the journal and they were already there. Because sometimes once you get into a spiral, it's very difficult to reverse it.

I started off like that and then it became a habit for me and I didn't have to go to the written down statements anymore. Actually, I have a few examples of thought for myself. I think we all have these negative thoughts and they've probably been there since we were children and that's why they're so entrenched, because they've been there for so long, they've been repeated so many times. It's a repetition and emotional intensity that embeds thoughts and behaviors more.

When I wrote my PhD, it was the hardest thing I've ever done. It's the only time in my life I'd wanted to give up at something. My PhD professor, I mean, I have a lot of love for the guy, but his management style was basically to say, “If you don't get on with this, then you're going to be seen as a failure for the rest of your life.” It was not very motivational. There are lots of negative emotions associated for me with that time.

When I met Andrew, who I co-wrote An Attitude for Acting with, we were actually going to do some workshops with that name, but I said to him that sounds like a book title. He said, “Let's write a book.” I thought, “Oh, no. I don't like writing. I'm not good at it. I don't want to do it.” He came back the next day with 12 chapter headings. I really liked him and I really wanted to work with him, so I did it. Basically, I practically had PTSD from it, because it reminded me of writing up my PhD. I definitely at that point said, I'm never going to write a book again.

Then Paul Brown, who I wrote Neuroscience for Leadership with, suggested that we write 12 short blogs basically and then make them into a book. I fell into that without thinking about it too much. In both those cases, because I really liked the person and I wouldn't let them down, I managed to complete the writing, but I found it very difficult and stressful. Again, I said I'll never write a book again.

Then the opportunity to write about science and spirituality was just too tempting for me. Of course, I knew that I had this secret fear deep down that I couldn't write a book by myself. It got to the point where I wanted to prove to myself that I could. The book came out in the UK about six months ago and it was immediately a UK bestseller. It actually in the first week was ranked just above The Secret in the non-fiction hardback chart, so that was a exciting moment.

My publisher actually said, “You couldn't make this up.” It was a really positive experience. One morning a few months after that, I was doing my makeup in the mirror in my bathroom and I was obviously having a little story going around in my head and I thought, “Yes, because I'm not a writer.” It was good I was in front of a mirror, because I stopped. I looked at myself in the mirror and I said, “Tara, Neuroscience for Leadership is an award-winning book. The Source is a best-seller. You are a writer.”

I came to that and now whenever that thought creeps in, I just laugh about it, because I have that little story. It relates to impostor syndrome, which I think so many people have, because I've blogged about that and got just so many e-mails from people saying they really resonated with it. One of my things is that I don't look like a typical MIT professor. This is a thought at the back of my mind and one day, I flew into San Francisco Airport, because I was giving a guest lecture at Stanford.

The immigration officer asked me what business I was coming into the country on. I said, Associate Professor at Stanford. I just flown from London overnight. I was wearing a hoodie and sneakers and had my hair scraped up and he actually looked at me and said, “You're a professor at Stanford?” I had this moment where I thought, “Yeah, I don't look like one.” Then I thought, “No, no, no. I do this to myself all the time. I'm not going to let somebody reinforce that thought.” I said, “Yeah, I am.” He asked me what I teach and I said neuroscience. He said, “Okay then.”

I think sometimes maybe, because both of those stories end with humor that's changed it for me. I think when we laugh about something, we release that bonding hormone oxytocin. That actually does – it trumps unconscious and conscious biases, for example. We know that. I think for me, I had a bias. When I laughed about it, it dissolved away.

[0:23:09.9] MB: That's a great point about using oxytocin to potentially re-encode some of those memories or experiences or beliefs. There's so many themes from The Source I want to explore. Before we do, you touched on something that is such a great topic and I'd love to hear you extrapolate on it a little bit. Tell me more about imposter syndrome and how people can overcome it.

[0:23:34.1] TS: I've just realized as well that we didn't really go into the neuroplasticity second part of the question, but we will. I'll try to weave them in together. Impostor syndrome is the feeling that you feel like a bit of a fraud, you feel you'll be found out. It often happens because people get promoted on their technical skills, but either aren't taught the managerial or leadership skills that they need, or they just don't have the experience, or take to it naturally.

Neuroplasticity is actually relevant here, in terms of either learning the behaviors that you need formally, or just practicing them over and over again, until you feel that it's more natural for you to behave as a leader. I want to say that when I first blogged about impostor syndrome, it was because the person that said to me, “One day someone's going to come into this corner office and tell me that I should never have been here,” was a hedge fund billionaire. That was the last – a male. I just thought, you are the stereotype at the last person that anybody would ever think has impostor syndrome.

I have to say that when he said it, I was thinking, okay, what exercises can I deal with him, or how can I explain it to him to help him move through this? There was definitely a part me that thought, “Thank, goodness. I'm not the only person that feels like that.” That's why I started asking all my clients, every industry, every age and gender, every continent of the world if they ever experienced it. I don't think there's been anybody that said no.

[0:25:05.1] MB: That's amazing. Yeah. I mean, I know that I have personally experienced impostor syndrome many times in my life. I remember when I was first hired at Goldman Sachs and I was a young analyst and I was in the training class, I felt like a total imposter. It's amazing how universal of an experience it is. What are some of the strategies or solutions for dealing with it?

[0:25:29.6] TS: One of them actually is what we talked about earlier, which is creating a positive statement that you use when you get those feelings. Other ones are in journaling to like I said before actually as well, have a list of things that you've accomplished, golden moments in your career, things you're proud of in your life. That's just reinforcing through writing and through what you think and what you say that this fear, or this uncertainty is not founded in a fact.

If it is founded in a fact, if it is, I've never been trained to manage people. I'm good at being an analyst, but I've never been trained to manage people, then to go and get the training. Go and read or get the formal training, whatever it is that you need to feel – to get over that feeling of I shouldn't be here, or I can't do this.

I think the reason that I – so I've actually wrote subsequently written about it again, because I think it's so important for people to realize that pretty much everybody has it. I think that normalizes it and it reduces the fair about it as well, because then it's not just you. Because all of us think it's just us and this makes you realize that it's not.

What I think is interesting is that people – often in my class at MIT, or just when I'm giving a talk somewhere, quote this statistic that women experience impostor syndrome more than men. Now I have to say that my case studies are biased by the fact that about 90% of the people I coach are men, simply because that's a reflection of who's at the level that I tend to coach. I can't say whether it's more in women or not, but I can say that there are an awful lot of men out there that you wouldn't think have it, but they do.

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[0:28:27.1] MB: I want to come back to some of the other themes we’ve talked about earlier. Tell me a little bit more about visualization, because that’s something that I’ve seen a lot of contradictory science on, both saying that visualization is good, it empowers you and also that it can even disempower you or make you feel you've already achieved your goals and demotivate you. What does the science say around visualization and what are some of the most effective strategies for visualization?

[0:28:53.6] TS: I haven't heard those negative ones before actually. I mean, it made me smile the last one about it makes you feel you've already achieved your goals and demotivates you. Because what I say is that visualizing something makes it less threatening for the brain, because in the brain, anything new, or any uncertainty is very threatening. If you visualize going to an important meeting or an interview, then to some extent it prepares your brain by making it feel it's not a completely unknown scenario.

However, I don't have any evidence to show you that visualizing success makes you feel you've already achieved everything. That would probably be taking things a little bit too far. However, I will say that one of the studies I quote in the book is that in three groups of people, a control group and then a group that lifted certain numbers of weights and repeated it a certain number of times over the time period of the study, compared to the group that just visualized lifting the same weights for the same time period.

The increase in muscle mass for the actual group was 30 something percent. The increase in muscle mass for the visualization group was 12% to 15%. It's not the same, but it's quite stunning that it has any effect at all.

Visualization, I think of it as three things. It's an umbrella that three main things fall under. One is actually creating a vision board, which by science I call it an action board, because it’s a collage that you create with metaphorical representations of what you would like your life to look like, or what you would like to achieve in your life, but it has to be backed up by actions. You can't just make the board and look at it and hope that everything comes true.

If you make the board and you look at it regularly and you visualize it coming true and you do something every day to move yourself closer to those goals, then it's much more likely that some things, or everything on it will eventually become real. The reason for that is that because we're bombarded with so much information all the time, everything we see, everything we hear, everyone we meet, all the things on our mind, the brain naturally filters out things that aren't deemed relevant to our success, or reaching our goals.

There's selective filtering of the data that we're bombarded with. Then there's selective attention to the things that are the most important. There's a another concept in the brain called value tagging, which is that everything that's prioritized is tagged in order of importance. Actually, when you make a vision board and you look at it regularly and you visualize the success, you are priming your brain with those images more at the front of your mind to potentially grasp opportunities that might otherwise have passed you by, because you're busy doing the day job, you're busy looking after the kids. It's not urgent enough to try to start your own business, or try redecorate your home, or go traveling.

You know that you want it, but it gets keeps getting pushed to the bottom of the list. The visual priming has a very strong effect in the brain in terms of raising up that list of what's tagged as important. Did you ever play Tetris when you're a kid?

[0:32:14.4] MB: Yeah, for sure.

[0:32:15.6] TS: Do you remember that if you played it last thing at night that when you closed your eyes to go to sleep, you would see the metal blocks falling down in front of your eyes?

[0:32:23.2] MB: Of course. Yeah, I've had that experience with several different games.

[0:32:26.4] TS: Yeah. It's a psychological phenomenon called the Tetris effect. That's why I recommend either looking at your vision board, or doing your visualization last thing at night, because the state of consciousness that's associated with going from being awake to falling asleep, the hypnagogic state is where your subconscious is most suggestible. That works.

Then I don't know if you would categorize this under visualization, but to me it's part of it and it's about the dramatic effect of the brain on the body. My favorite study on that is three groups of people in their 80s; one group, the controlled group asked to live not normally for a week, one group were asked to reminisce about what it was to be like in your 60s and one group were actually moved into homes that looked like their home did 20 years ago. They had their visual aids and their mobility aids taken away for a week. They had photos of themselves when they were in their 60s in the place that they lived for a week.

The group that lived like that, they had improved visual acuity and musculoskeletal coordination after a week. The reminiscing group had some improvements, but not as much. Just to tie this all up to everything that we've been speaking about, neuroplasticity is the ability to change your brain. If you know that what you think and how you live and what you see can actually change physical things in your body, then you're going to be much more careful about what you look at and who you talk to and how you behave.

Just a really small story, but just an example, because you asked for examples of how people can use neuroplasticity, is that when I went for my annual eye check up when I was turning 40, the optician said, “You look younger than 40, but you are 40, and so you're going to need reading glasses soon. You could take them now, or you might be able to manage for another year.” I immediately thought, “Well, reading glasses to me is associated with being old, so I don't want them.” I said, “No, I don't want them and I'm not going to have them next year either.” He said, “Well, we'll see.”

All I did was say no to that. Then whenever I needed to look at my phone or read a book and I felt it would be a bit easier if I moved it further away, I just didn't do that. That's what I did for a year. When I came back for my test, he said, “How have you been?” I said, “Fine.” He said, “Well, we'll see the numbers on your test.” Halfway through the test, he spun around in his chair and said, “What have you been doing?” I said, “Why? Is it still the same?” He said, “No, it's better than last year.” I told him and he said – I said, “I did a neuroplasticity experiment on myself.” He said, “Okay, that's great. Obviously, you haven't actually done that much, so I think you'll probably need them next year.” It’s now six years later and I still don't need them.

For me, knowing how the brain works has made me able to make that choice and actually make something different in the real world, because of it. That's why I wrote the book, because with what I know about neuroplasticity and brain agility, I just thought everybody needs to know this.

[0:35:46.1] MB: That's a fascinating story. I'm very curious about it. Tell me a little bit more about the – I understand how neuroplasticity works, but tell me about how the brain mechanism of either the belief of refusing to that you need glasses, or the actual activity of looking at things, tell me how that specifically interacted with neuroplasticity to create the brain state, or the physical changes in your brain, so that you wouldn't need to wear reading glasses?

[0:36:16.4] TS: It's based on the fact that we have these unconscious primers in our brain that dictate what goes on in our body through the interaction of nerves and hormones, so the neuro-endocrine system. For example, a study that was done on Harvard medical students, so young, healthy, smart people, they were asked to walk between five rooms. In the rooms, there were pieces of paper on a table that they had to string a sentence out of. They thought that was the whole experiment. One of the rooms had the words Florida, bungalow, walk, sunshine, beach.

These associations prime us to think about retirement. No matter what order they entered the rooms, 85% of the students walked out of that room more slowly than the other rooms, because they thought about retirement and that slowed them down. I think being aware of the fact that what you say and what you do changes your body, because it changes your physiology is the start. It really brings us back to the four-step process that I talked about earlier, that being aware, the focusing attention, the deliberate practice and the accountability.

If we take that backwards, I know that I'm going to have an eye test every year. I deliberately didn't change my behavior to accommodate my worsening vision and I focused attention on the things that I needed to do or not do to allow that to happen. Basically with that intention and those actions, the brain pathways that would have got lazier and lazier, especially if I took the glasses and then just could read without even thinking about it, actually physiologically I would say that I don't think I grew any new neurons, but I think that I made connections between neurons that already exist maybe myelinated some of the pathways to make that optic nerve pathway more efficient, or at least remain robust.

[0:38:20.7] MB: It's so fascinating. It's such a great example. I don't want to waste too much more time on it, but I'm just quite curious about it. Frankly, I wear glasses and have a really bad prescription, so I'm just trying to reverse engineer if I could apply that in some way. This is the last quick thing that I'll ask about this. Isn't the eye itself to some degree the lens, the shape of the eye, I mean, those are all things that are outside of the scope of neuroplasticity, right? If your eye lens is changing, you can't really do much about that just by thinking about it.

[0:38:49.1] TS: I agree. I think this example is really just an analogy for other things that we can change. For example, if we talk about brain agility, there are six things in the model that I describe, which are mastering your emotions, trusting your intuition, understanding your brain-body connection, making good decisions, staying motivated and resilient to reach your goals and creating the real-world outcomes that you desire. Those are all things that are pathways in the brain that you can do something about. That's I think more important than necessarily not getting really close.

[0:39:25.1] MB: Yes, that's right. Okay, perfect. Let's dig into that a little bit. Tell me about intuition. I'm very curious, how do we access our intuition and how do we align our intuition with our emotions, with our rational thought to create even more powerful brains?

[0:39:40.6] TS: That's a really good question, because they don't always align do they? That's the issue. I have found journaling to be the single, best way of raising my awareness about my intuition and the decisions that I make based on intuition and the decisions that I make based on logic. Obviously, if they naturally align that's no problem. If they don't and this comes up quite a lot in fire and hire situations, or well, I'll stick with fire – I was going to say in relationships as well.

I mean, well no, I'll talk about both, because the hire and fire situation is that if you've got similar resumes, similar qualifications and experience, sometimes you just get that gut feeling that this is the right person to choose. You must always double-check that through your logical system, or with somebody else. Intuition is basically, because we can't remember everything that we have experienced in our life, but it's the wisdom and life experiences that we've picked up, which are stored in our nervous system. It's accessing those.

What I find is reading back over the journal and seeing the times that I've said, “Oh, I don't think this is working. I think I need to change what I'm doing,” but then you don't do it and a few more months pass. Then you look back and you either see, “I'm in the same position I was in six months ago and I haven't done anything differently, but I'm expecting a different outcome,” or use and/or, you see the real positivity and benefit of the times that you have listened to your intuition.

The reason I said there's something else that's a bit more contentious, but I have so many cases of people saying, “I know I need to leave this relationship, but I don't want to be single again, or I don't know if I'll find somebody better, or time's running out and I want to have a family.” Every single time, that nagging doubt has started, it's ended at some point down the line.

Then if you'd listened to your intuition, you probably could have done that quicker. Obviously, you learn through mistakes, or near misses as well and that adds to your intuition. Everything probably comes out in the washer at the end of the day, but repeating the same mistakes is something you can avoid by listening to your intuition. I was going to say one other thing. Sorry, it's left me.

[0:41:58.7] MB: It's all good. Yeah, that's a great point about journaling. It's such a powerful strategy. You make a really good connection that journaling is how we can align our rational thinking with our intuition and with our emotions.

[0:42:16.1] TS: Exactly. I've remembered what I wanted to say. Can I add it on, because it's –

[0:42:20.1] MB: Please. Add it.

[0:42:22.5] TS: Thank you. What we know about how memories, or information gets stored in the brain is that in the outer cortex, we have what's called our working memory, which is everything we need to do our job and live our life. Deeper in the limbic system, we have the habits and behavior patterns that we’ve picked up over life. Since we've been able to scan brains and bodies, we've seen that there's a large neuronal connection between the gut neurons and the limbic part of the brain. This is believed to underlie intuition.

What's absolutely fascinating is that if you take a good quality probiotic, which improves your gut bacteria, or the diversity of your gut bacteria, if you take a good quality one for a month, you get less negative thinking. Actually, the health of your gut physically also clouds, or contributes to your intuition. There's a three-way connection between the gut bacteria themselves, the neurons in the gut and the brain. The gut neurons in the brain communicate through the neural pathways. The gut bacteria through cytokine transmission, which is chemical signaling through the blood, signal to the gut neurons and to the brain separately.

If you've been stressed, you've taken antibiotics, you've drunk alcohol, then your gut bacteria becomes depleted. Either the quality or the quantity goes down, or both. If you eat prebiotic foods, like onions, garlic, artichokes, if you eat fermented foods and you take probiotics, especially when you travel and depending on the strain that you take, it can actually contribute to improving mental health, mental performance and trust in your intuition.

[0:44:08.1] MB: Such a great point about gut health and probiotics. I think we're going to see some tremendous strides in that field, in science and research and action around that in the coming years. I want to jump around a little bit. There's a couple other concepts that I found really fascinating that I want to touch on. One of them that you talk about is the importance of the concept of metacognition. Can you talk about what that is and why it's so important?

[0:44:33.5] TS: Metacognition is basically thinking about your thinking. Because this age-old phrase, “I think, therefore I am,” we completely align ourselves with our thoughts. We think that everything we think is true, basically. Then there's the whole element of we don't know what we don't know. Metacognition is basically about stepping back and asking yourself, “Are your thought processes healthy? Is there something that you believe that is a barrier to your success? Could you reframe the way that you think? Could somebody else's point of view actually be helpful or better for you?”

Because of the way our brain develops from the womb and through childhood, the things that have been there for the longest are the ones that we’re the least aware of. These automatic reactions that we have to things, the thoughts that we have over and over again, they're so much part of who we are, but we can't separate ourselves from them.

It's just a really good practice and there are some exercises in the book and out there, about just stepping back and actually looking at your thinking and looking at and starting afresh what's working, what's not. There are many exercises in the book to exactly to help you reframe your thinking based on the understanding of that metacognition is an important thing to do.

[0:45:54.5] MB: I want to just really briefly check in. I know we're coming up on the hour. Do you have a hard stop, or do you have the ability to go just one or two minutes over?

[0:46:01.7] TS: Yeah, I can go one or two minutes over.

[0:46:03.4] MB: Okay, perfect. I would love it if you could give me an example of one of those concrete exercises that someone could use to improve metacognition, or to reframe their thinking.

[0:46:14.8] TS: Okay, there are several, but one’s really jumping to mind. It's a three column exercise. I have a couple of three column exercises in the book. It's a cultivating abundant thinking. Come full circle. You start by making an ideal statement, so something that you would like to have in your life, something you would like to do and it could be anything, like start my own business, or have a balanced life, something like that.

In the first column, you write down every single barrier to you being able to achieve that statement. When I work with people to do it, I really encourage them to think of more, to dig deeper, to keep coming up with the reasons, because it works best if you pretty much manage to come up with every single barrier that you believe exists between you and this ideal outcome.

Then in the second, so it can be – usually it's things like, “I don't have enough money. I don't have enough time. There are things that I can't control. There are other people involved,” and so on and so on. Then in the second column, you write the opposite statement to all of the barriers, even if they couldn't possibly be true. You might say, “I have unlimited resources. I spend 24 hours a day on this. I control the final outcome. I'm not dependent on other people for what I need to get done.”

Then once you've done an opposite statement for every single barrier, in the third column you write as if the second column is now true, you write what I do differently now that I have unlimited resources, I have total control over the situation, I'm not dependent on anyone else. The wording is very important. It's not what I would do, it's what I do now that this is true. You tend to get some repeat answers here from – the opposite statements can lead some of the same things that you actually do in the real world.

I get people to put those answers into themes. Usually, I'm not going to say half, but close to half of them are things that you could already do differently. You basically reframed your thinking, you've found some things that you could actually do already that would move you towards that goal and you basically have to start doing them.

[0:48:33.0] MB: I want to clarify one thing really quickly. You said a really important point, which is this idea that it's not what you would do differently, it's – frame that again, because I wasn't sure I fully understood it, or heard it correctly. I think it's a really important piece. In column three, what are you writing?

[0:48:48.6] TS: You're writing what I do differently now that I fully believe that column two is true. For example, if you said, “Well, I can't do it because I don't have enough money.” You write in column two, “I have unlimited financial resources for this project.” Then you write down, “Okay, now that I've got unlimited financial resources, what will I actually do?”

[0:49:09.8] MB: Got it. That totally makes sense. Now what you do?

[0:49:12.8] TS: Yeah, it's a subtle difference. I mean, I'm sure it also works if you say what I would to do, but that's putting it into the future and it separates creating an area of separation between you now and being able to do that thing. I specifically get people to say, what I do now that column two is true? Very often, there are almost half the things, the things that you could already do. Then the other ones might take you acting on the first half, to allow the other ones to be doable in the future.

[0:49:41.7] MB: That's a fantastic exercise. Thank you so much for sharing. I think that'll really be able to create some instant breakthroughs for the listeners. You may have just answered it with that, or you might have a different answer, but for somebody who's listening to this, what would be one action step, or a piece of homework that you would give them to implement some of the themes, or ideas that we've talked about today in their lives starting right away, based on what we've talked about today?

[0:50:12.3] TS: Oh, I know the answer to that immediately and that is to create an action board.

[0:50:16.1] MB: Tell me 30 seconds how would you go about creating an action board.

[0:50:20.4] TS: If you want to do it old-school, then you get a stack of magazines from various genres, like travel, lifestyle, fitness and you have an idea of what you want in your life obviously and you look for images that match that. As you leave through the magazines, you also – if you feel very struck by a certain image, but you can't explain why, then you cut that image out too. Then you place the images on the board and the whole board is important.

If you want a full life, then the board will be quite cluttered. If you want to have space and you want things balanced and in their own little niche, then you would have things in sections, you'd have space between them. Even things whether the images are touching each other or not can be important.

I advise people not to use words, because that tracks more to the logical pathways and the visual and creative and emotive pathways. You can use numbers, because a lot of people put the amount of money that they'd like to earn on the board. Then you either keep it in a prominent position, or take a photograph of it and look at it regularly. Sometimes the images of things that you know you want, they just don't feel right on the board, so you should get rid of them, because we're trying – it's accessing intuition. Then sometimes images that you didn't know you wanted might really just feel right on the board, so you'd include them.

You can do this using digitally, instead of actually creating the collage by hand. There's something about that whole tactile color, process that I think contributes to it really. Having said that, this year my one is actually done digitally, because I couldn't find the images that I thought I wanted. For a good seven years, I would make them like that. Like I said, it's an action board, not just a vision board, because you also do the visualization and you do things, you look out for opportunities to do things that will move you closer to those goals.

[0:52:15.7] MB: At what cadence do you typically recreate your action boards?

[0:52:20.3] TS: I do mine annually. I do mine in December for the next year, but there's no rule about that. You can do it on your birthday, you can do it at the start of the school year. To be honest, the best time to do it is now.

[0:52:33.4] MB: From a goal standpoint, are these goals for the next year, or are these lifetime goals?

[0:52:39.4] TS: It can be both. I feel – I like to leave a bit of room for magic. Lifetime just seems very far away and very big and so many things could change. In the meantime, that mine tends to be annual. Sometimes it takes 18 months for everything on the board to materialize. It may be that you can reuse some of it, or you can overlay some of it. I think, it feels more approachable if you start off with a shorter term goal, but then it's totally people's choice if they want to do one for their whole life.

[0:53:12.4] MB: Awesome. Well Tara, where can listeners find you, all of your work and the book online?

[0:53:19.9] TS: Thank you. My website, TaraSwart.com has a book page on it and it's got several retailers on there online and book stores throughout the US. Obviously, the book can be found on Amazon. I'm very active on social media. I'm DrTaraSwart on Instagram, D-RTaraSwart. I'm Tara Swart on Twitter. I regularly blog through my Forbes leadership channel.

[0:53:44.7] MB: Well Tara, thank you so much for coming on the show, for sharing all this wisdom and some really great practical action steps and ways to implement all of these fascinating ideas.

[0:53:54.7] TS: Thank you so much. It's been a really fun conversation. I feel you led me down the path of making it very practical and actionable for your listeners.

[0:54:03.1] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners, master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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Remember, the greatest compliment you can give us is a referral to a friend either live or online. If you enjoyed this episode, please leave us an awesome review and subscribe on iTunes because that helps boost the algorithm, that helps us move up the iTunes rankings and helps more people discover the Science of Success.

Don't forget, if you want to get all the incredible information we talk about in the show, links transcripts, everything we discussed and much more, be sure to check out our show notes. You can get those at successpodcast.com, just hit the show notes button right at the top.

Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.

October 24, 2019 /Lace Gilger
Emotional Intelligence, High Performance
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Dr. Brené Brown: The Can’t Miss Interview On Shame, Self Worth Empathy & Living a Courageous Life

June 27, 2019 by Lace Gilger in Best Of, Emotional Intelligence

If you don't feel worthy of love and belonging, if you feel lesser than other people; if you can't forgive yourself for your mistakes or your terrible moments or the stupid things you've done in life; if you can't accept your humanness; if you can't show your face or eyes to others due to shame; if you can't own up to your mistakes for fear of judgement; if you compare yourself to others; if you constantly strive to prove yourself to others but feel as if you never measure up; then this interview with Brene Brown is for you.

We're living in a culture of `never enough'. I'm certainly feeling it. Are you? I never work hard enough, I don't help others enough, I'm not successful enough, I don't eat healthy enough... and on and on.

I have been struggling with the shame, vulnerability, perfectionism, anxiety and the feeling of 'not enough' my entire life.

Most of us live our lives hiding in our armor and trying to protect ourselves.  

Are you living with shame? Do you always feel an underlying itch of `never enough'? Do you find yourself disconnecting from people you love? If any of these questions ring true then I hope you'll check out this interview. Even if they don’t ring true to you, you will get a ton out of this amazing conversation.

These thoughts of `never enough' turn into feelings of shame and fear. How do we combat shame and fear? By being vulnerable and expressing gratitude, according to Brené Brown.

This shame, this culture of never enough, can only ever truly only dissipate by allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

Vulnerability leads to happiness, or as Brene Brown calls it, "wholeheartedness".

 This interview did an amazing job helping me understand the difference between sharing vulnerability in ways that lead to connection and over-sharing in ways intended to manipulate others - and why that kind of oversharing has always led to disconnection.

As Brown explains, we're drawn to other's vulnerability but repelled by our own.

This interview opened my eyes. It gave me a new perspective to my problems. Brene not only says why and how these issues arises but also share specific tools you can start using right now to overcome fear and shame, to live a courageous life, and to be happy.

After listening to this interview, something in me changed. I feel calmer now, I started to forgive/love myself more, tell myself its ok to be vulnerable/imperfect and that I am enough.

In this episode we welcome legendary researcher Dr Brené Brown to the Science of Success. We discuss vulnerability and learn that vulnerability is not weakness, it’s not oversharing, it’s not soft. We learn that even brave and courageous people are scared all the time. We discuss the incredible power of learning to get back up when you’re down, how you can stop caring about what other people think about you, and much more in this in depth interview.

Dr Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston where she holds the Huffington Foundation – Brené Brown Endowed Chair at The Graduate College of Social Work. She is the author of five #1 New York Times bestsellers: The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly, Rising Strong, Braving the Wilderness, and her latest book, Dare to Lead, which is the culmination of a seven-year study on courage and leadership. Brené’s TED talk – The Power of Vulnerability – is one of the top five most viewed TED talks in the world with over 35 million views. She is also the first researcher to have a filmed talk on Netflix, “The Call to Courage” which debuted in April 2019.

We discuss with her:

  • The teacher appears when the student is ready

  • Life is about the willingness to show up, to put yourself out there, to be all in, when you can’t control the outcome 

  • It’s not the critic who counts - it’s easy to spend your life in the cheap seats and hurl judgement at people who are trying and failing 

  • Feedback is required for mastery of anything. 

  • Why are people so afraid to show up?

  • Our society doesn’t teach people how to get back up when the fall. 

  • Everyone spends their whole life tiptoeing around to ensure they never fall, but the more important skill is to build the skill of GETTING BACK UP. 

  • In our social and emotional lives we spend our entire lives tip-toeing around and being terrified of ever falling down. 

  • The importance of experiencing adversity. There’s a line between adversity and trauma, we need to experience. 

  • It’s not about being perfect at walking, it’s about LEARNING THE SKILL SET OF GETTING BACK UP AGAIN AND AGAIN

  • Courage is learnable, teachable, and measurable - and there are 4 key skill sets 

    • Rumbling with vulnerability

    • Knowing your values and how to live into them

    • Braving Trust

    • Learning to get back up

  • Courage is essentially the same thing as vulnerability. The Willingness to show up, put yourself out there, and be seen when you can’t control the outcome. 

  • Vulnerability is not weakness, it’s not oversharing, it’s not soft. 

  • Vulnerability, at its core, is about Uncertainty, Risk, and Emotional Exposure

  • “There is no courage without vulnerability” 

  • Courage spans the spectrum from everyday moments in your life, to the most epicly heroic experiences of your life. 

  • Vulnerability is the opposite of weakness, it's the MOST accurate scientific measure of courage. 

  • Vulnerability is not as hard, scary, or dangerous as getting to the end of your life and asking “what if I would have shown up?"

  • You want to look back and know without question that you contributed and put yourself out there. 

  • One of the most defining lessons of Brene’s seven year study on leadership is the importance of courageous leadership. 

  • Even brave and courageous people are scared all the time. 

  • It’s not fear that gets in the way of us being brave or vulnerable, it’s armor. 

  • “You can’t do any of this without self awareness?"

  • What is your go to armor? How do you self protect when you feel emotionally at risk or exposed?

    • Perfectionism

    • Cynicism

    • The Knower, more important to be right than get it right

    • People pleasing

    • Blustery posturing tough guy 

  • The armor weighs 100lbs, but the resentment weighs 1000lbs

  • What myths about vulnerability do you still believe? 

  • When you’re in your twenties and early thirties, you still believe that your armor serves you 

  • None of the drinking, the partying, the achieving, will take away the PAIN that the armor causes you.

  • How do you start to take off the armor? Loving kindness and self compassion. 

  • Self exploration is a key starting point to taking your armor off. 

  • To get rid of your armor - ask yourself:

    • How did your armor serve you?

    • How did it help you get what you wanted or needed or felt you deserved?

    • What’s the COST of the armor? 

    • What am I afraid of if I stop doing it?

  • When you work so hard to keep the peace on the outside, you wage a war internally. It’s not your job to make sure you don’t disappoint anyone.

  • “I do not calculate my value based on what other people think of me"

  • People pleasing is the bright side of manipulation. 

  • “Am I doing this because I really want it, or because it’s for someone else?"

  • How do you stop caring what other people think about you?

  • “I’m like a turtle without all the shells, but I’m in a briar patch” 

  • No one wants to burn out but they are living like they’re on fire.

  • “The mirror perspective"

    • Who are you around? Who are you hanging out with? Do they reflect your values and who you want to be?

  • You can replace the armor with something that helps you - CURIOSITY

  • Courageous people are usually DEEPLY CURIOUS 

  • Get curious about how you’re showing up, is it serving you? Are you self protecting in a way that’s keeping you small? 

  • Armor prevents you from growing. 

  • If you’re in your 20’s and you haven’t figured everything out yet in your life, that’s OK. 

  • "Don’t ask what the world needs, ask what makes you come alive. What the world needs is more people who’ve come alive."

  • How do you get back up when you’ve fallen down? 

  • Your brain is wired for survival. When something hard happens the brain is wired for survival - it focuses on protection - your brain goes into survival mode. 

  • Your brain thinks in stories - it builds and creates stories to explain the world around you - even if those stories are wrong.

  • A lot of the time we create stories that don’t reflect reality in any way. 

  • Your brain rewards you for creating stories, the more salacious and dramatic the better, even if the stories are completely wrong. 

  • One sentence that can completely change your life.

  • Why you should start using “The story I'm telling myself…” or “The story I’m making up right now is…"

  • The stories we tell ourselves are what keep us down and completely predict your level of resilience. 

  • Are you aware of the stories you tell yourself? Are you brave enough to check them out? IS there a recurrent theme to those narratives?

  • Homework: Take the daring leader survey. 

  • Homework: Educate yourself. Watch her TED talk, her Netflix special, read her books. Creating a shared vocabulary is the root of change.

Click here to download this beautiful hand illustrated visual note.

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Thank you so much for listening!

Please SUBSCRIBE and LEAVE US A REVIEW on iTunes! (Click here for instructions on how to do that).

Love Brené Brown?! Here’s Our Show Notes, Links, & TONs of Extra Awesome Content By & About Brené!

General

  • Brené’s Website

  • Brené’s Daring Leader Survey

  • Brené’s LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter

Media

  • [Article] Mental Floss - Roosevelt's "The Man in the Arena" By Erin McCarthy

  • [Article] Wiki Article - Brene Brown

  • [Article] The Cut - “How I Get It Done: Brené Brown, Author and Research Professor at the University of Houston” By Gabriella Paiella

  • [Article] Calvin Ayre - “Op-ed: what poker can learn from Brené Brown’s ‘Braving the Wilderness’” by Lee Davy

  • [Article] Forbes - “Why You Need to Watch The New Brene Brown Netflix Special Immediately” by Danielle Brooker

  • [Article] Vanity Fair - “Brené Brown Wants to Change Your Life” by Sonia Saraiya

  • [Article] Washington Examiner - “In ‘The Call to Courage,’ Brené Brown has the best rule for dealing with people on social media” by Madeline Fry

  • [Article] LA Magazine - “Vulnerability Guru Brené Brown Is About to Become the Marie Kondo of Emotions” By Merle Ginsberg

  • [Article] CEO Magazine - “Exclusive interview with Brené Brown: “Failure is part of the ride.”” by Ruth Devine

  • [Article] USA Today - “5 takeaways on vulnerability from Brené Brown's 'The Call To Courage'” by Erin Jensen

  • [Article] Refinery29 - “Brené Brown On Scammers, Astrology & Influencer Culture” by Cory Stieg

  • [Article] Oprah Magazine - “Brené Brown's New Netflix Special Will Teach You How to Live Your Best Life” By Michelle Darrisaw

  • [Podcast] On Air with Ryan Seacrest - Brené Brown Breaks Down Why Being Vulnerable Is Crucial In Life

  • [Podcast] 10% Happier with Dan Harris: #185: Brené Brown, Vulnerability: The Key to Courage

  • [Podcast] Lewis Howes - Ep. 536: Brené Brown - Create True Belonging and Heal The World

  • [Podcast] Finding Mastery: Ep 146 - Dr. Brene Brown, Research Professor and Author

Videos

  • Netflix Original - Brené Brown: The Call to Courage

  • TED - The power of vulnerability | Brené Brown

  • TED - Listening to shame | Brené Brown

  • TEDxTalks - The price of invulnerability: Brené Brown at TEDxKC

  • Marie Forleo - Brené Brown Shows You How To "Brave the Wilderness”

  • Evan Carmichael - “You HAVE to Make a CHOICE: Am I Going to SHOW UP?” - Brené Brown (@BreneBrown) Top 10 Rules

  • The RSA - Brené Brown on Empathy

  • The RSA - Brené Brown on Blame

  • UHGCSW - Living Brave with Brene Brown and Oprah Winfrey

  • 99U - Brené Brown: Why Your Critics Aren't The Ones Who Count

  • OWN - Dr. Brené Brown: The Two Most Dangerous Words in Your Vocabulary | SuperSoul Sunday | OWN

  • Good Life Project - Brene Brown on The Power of Being Vulnerable

Books

  • [Amazon Author Page] Brené Brown

  • [Book] Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts by Brené Brown

  • [Book] Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone  by Brené Brown

  • [Book] Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead  by Brené Brown

  • [Book] Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead  by Brené Brown

  • [Book] The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are  by Brené Brown

  • [Book] I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough"  By Brené Brown

  • [Audiobook] The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connection, and Courage  by Brené Brown PhD

  • [Audiobook] The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting: Raising Children with Courage, Compassion, and Connection  by Brené Brown PhD

  • [Audiobook] Men, Women and Worthiness: The Experience of Shame and the Power of Being Enough by Brené Brown PhD

Full Episode Transcript

[00:00:04.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[00:00:11] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success, the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than 3 million downloads, listeners in over a hundred countries.

In this episode, we welcome legendary researcher, Dr. Brene Brown, to the Science of Success. We discuss vulnerability and learn that vulnerability is not weakness. It’s not oversharing and it’s not soft. We learned that even brave and courageous people are scared all of the time. We discuss the incredible power of learning to get back up when you’ve been knocked down. How you can stop caring about what other people think about you, and much, much more in this in-depth interview.

I’m going to tell you why you’ve been missing out on some incredibly cool stuff if you haven’t signed up for our email list yet. All you have to do to sign up is to go to successpodcast.com and sign up right on the home page.

On top of tons subscriber-only content, exclusive access and live Q&As with previous guests, monthly giveaways and much more, I also created an epic free video course just for you. It's called How to Create Time for What Matters Most Even When You're Really Busy. E-mail subscribers have been raving about this guide.

You can get all of that and much more by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the home page, or by texting the word “smarter" to the number 44222 on your phone. If you like what I do on Science of Success, my e-mail list is the number one way to engage with me and go deeper on what I discuss on the show, including free guides, actionable takeaways, exclusive content and much, much more.

Sign up for my e-mail list today by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the home page, or if you're on the go, if you're on your phone right now, it's even easier. Just text the word “smarter”, that's S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44-222. I can't wait to show you all the exciting things you'll get when you sign up and join thee-mail list.

In our previous episode, we discussed how to hack your brain to finally create the results you want in life. We took a hard look at what really drives results and the reality that knowledge and skill aren’t what make you successful. The subconscious drives your behavior. That’s it. You don’t need any more tools to achieve your goals. You just need to change your beliefs and your subconscious set points for success, happiness and achievement. Action is the ultimate arbiter of your success. We asked; are you taking enough of it, and how can you take more? We discussed all of these and much more with our previous guest, John Assaraf. If you need a breakthrough to finally get where you want to be, listen to our previous episode.

Now, for our interview with Brené.

Please note, this episode contains profanity.

[00:03:24] MB: Today, we have another legendary guest on the show, Dr. Brené Brown. Brené is a research professor at the University of Houston where she holds the Huffington Foundation Brené Endowed Chair at the Graduate School of Social Work. She’s the author of five number one New York Times bestsellers; The Gift of Imperfection, Daring Greatly, Rising Strong, Braving the Wilderness, and her latest book, Dare to Lead, which is the culmination of a 7-year study on courage and leadership.

Brené’s TED Talk, The Power of Vulnerability is one of the top-five most viewed TED Talks in the world with 35 million views, and she’s also the first researcher to have a filmed Netflix talk, called The Call to Courage, which debuted in April 2019.

Brené, welcome to the Science of Success.

[00:04:06] BB: Thank you. I’m excited to talk to you.

[00:04:08] MB: Well, we’re super excited to have you on the show today. We’re huge, huge fans of you and your work and we can’t wait to really dig into it.

To start out, I just wanted to say I love that you reprised and brought back the Teddy Roosevelt arena quote in the introduction to Dare to Lead, because it’s such a great quote. It’s so simply encapsulates your message and this notion that this powerful idea that it’s at the root of vulnerability. It’s not about whether you’re winning or losing, but it’s whether you’re showing up and whether you’re in the game.

[00:04:41] BB: Yeah. I wish I could take back every single instance where I said something that was like hyperbole, so that when I said this people knew it was really serious. But that quote, it changed my life. There was my life before that quote and my life after that quote literally in a five-minute span, because I was – I guess the teacher appears when you’re ready, right? But I think I was so desperate. It was right after the TED Talk had gone kind of viral and I was so desperate for some kind of filing system to understand the vulnerability, the fear. What do I do with the support? Which was great and overwhelming, but what do I do with that 5% or 3% of criticism that’s so painful? I needed it so bad. So when I came across it that day, I just was like, “Oh! This is a complete framework for how I want to life.”

[00:05:38] MB: It’s such a great way to encapsulate a lot of your work, because at the core, it shows what so many people struggle with, and I want to dig into this, because you know so much about it much more than we do. But about why people are afraid to show up, to take action, to get out there in the world and do things, because it’s so easy to be criticized, to be shamed, to have people say negative things about you and it stops a lot of people from ever really showing and starting to really be themselves and to live their lives.

[00:06:10] BB: Yeah, I mean just the first two stanzas. It’s the critique who counts. It’s not the man who points out how the strong person stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the person who’s actually in the arena, whose face is marked by dust and sweat and blood, who strives violently, who airs, who comes up short again and again and again. Just those stanzas, to me, are life. It’s about the willingness to show up and put yourself out there and be all-in when you can’t control the outcome. That is everything, from work, to love, to sports, to parenting. I mean, to innovation and creativity. It’s the whole – It’s not the critique who counts. It’s so easy to spend our lives in the cheap seats and like hurl criticism and shame and judgment at people who are trying and falling and failing.

It’s so funny that one thing that has been so clear to me in the last 10 years, the kind of feedback you get from people who are in the arena in their lives is very different than the kind of feedback you get from people who have made a fulltime career out of cheap seating.

[00:07:25] MB: What is the difference in that feedback?

[00:07:27] BB: Not all of us who are trying to live a brave life are skilled feedback givers. So I don’t want to give that impression. But, when I see someone who’s kind of skinned up, bruised knee, stretch marks on the heart telling me, “Hey, I think you really screwed this up. Did you think about this?” I listen, because I see it as a person who’s also trying, but the cheap seat stuff is often delivered with paying no attention to how hard it is to put yourself out there today. I can’t do the sideline coaching. I’m not open to it. I really am not.

I love feedback, because one of the big parts of my work is I believe feedback is required for mastery of anything. I’ve developed – And the organization that I run here in Houston, a really vulnerable, honest, courageous feedback culture. We give feedback all the time right away on the spot in a kind, respectful way, but we are very much a feedback culture. So I am a big believer in feedback, but I do believe you have to be very thoughtful about who you accept it from.

[00:08:37] MB: I totally agree. Coming back to the people, the perspective of the people who are in the arena versus the people who are in, as you put it, the cheap seats. It’s funny because I have so many young people who are listeners of this show and I have nieces and nephews who are in high school and college and they are so scared sometimes to just take the first step. They’re so scared, as you put it, to show up. Why are people so afraid?

[00:09:02] BB: I think there are a lot of reasons, and I think some of them are demographic. I think some of them are informed by race and class and gender. I mean, I think it’s complex. But here’s what I would say. When you think about young people, and this is my 22 years of teaching graduate students. We don’t teach people how to get back up after they fall. Because we don’t teach people how to rise, they never take the leap.

Can you imagine if you didn’t know – If you physically fell and you didn’t know how to get back up? You’d spend your whole life tiptoeing around. You’d spend your whole life like bracing your palms on the hood of a car when you step off the curve, then you would follow the car with your hand until you open the door. Then you’d hold on to the oh shit handle as you try to get into the seat. You would never let go of everything and just walk, because you’re deaf ear would, “If I fall, I don’t know how to get back up.”

The same thing is true in our socio-emotional world. If we don’t know how to get back up after failure, disappointment, or setback, we will spend an enormous amount of energy making sure we never have to get back up.

So, for me, I have a lot of bounce. I have a lot of bounce. So, I’m willing to take chances, because I’m very secure in my ability to get back up. I think even if you think about going back really to young, young folks. Even if you think about letting kids experience adversity.

So, one of the conversations my husband and I had very early on when we were brand new parents is we both come from like divorce parents. A lot of really hard, hard shit. Stuff that we would never want to subject our kids to. At the same time, we both really respect our own and each other’s resilience. Did I just say he’s a pediatrician? He’s a pediatrician. So we have a lot of parenting conversations.

So, the big finding we came to was we need to let – There’s a line between adversity and trauma and we need to let our kids experience adversity, not so much trauma. That kind of sets us back. So, I think having experiences with adversity and knowing how to get back up makes people braver, because they’re willing to take a chance.

[00:11:26] MB: Such a powerful analogy and really shines light on this notion. I love the example of walking around with a fear of never being able to get back up. Because it’s so clearly highlights the idea that the truly important skillset is not whether you’re prefect at walking, but it’s just learning how to get up over and over again.

[00:11:47] BB: I mean, that’s it. I don’t even know who said the quote, but someone has a great quote that says, “The most important number is not the number of times that you fall, but the number of times you get back up.” That is so – I know it’s like cheesy, like queue the rocky music or whatever. But it’s just true.

So, what we know – I mean, for me, to be honest, Matt, if I think about all of my work over the last 20 something years, I don’t think that I’m more proud of anything that the research that we did on courage and the fact that courage is teachable, observable and measurable. It’s four skillsets.

But one of the key four skillsets is learning how to get back up. The first big skillset is the ability to vulnerability. We call it rumbling with vulnerability. The second one is really knowing what your values are and how to live into them, because people who are not super clear and just very gray clear about their values and what those behaviors look like are not as brave. They don’t risk the fall.

The next one is braving trust, learning how to trust yourself and other people appropriately. Then the last one is learning to get back up. So we can teach these things. But I got to tell you. As I step back and think about the way that we parent today. Not everybody, but a growing part of parenting, I think, unfortunately. The way schools are set up. We’re not teaching courage skills.

[00:13:22] MB: I couldn’t agree more, and in many ways that the root of that idea is what underpins our entire project with the Science of Success as well. I want to dig in to all of these different ideas. So let’s start at a high-level with courage. What is courage? When you say that, when you talk about it, how do you think about how we define courage?

[00:13:44] BB: It’s interesting, because I don’t have a definition for courage that’s any different than data-driven definition for vulnerability. We define vulnerability as the willingness to show up and be seen when you can’t control the outcome. The definition of vulnerability as a construct itself is it’s the emotion we experience during times of uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.

I spent like probably, I don’t know, maybe 5 years, because I spent 90% of my time in organizations, big, fortune 10, big Silicon Valley companies, teaching courageous leadership skills. So, I spent so many years trying to convince people of a relationship between courage and vulnerability. Then it got very clear to me one day when I was at Fort Bragg working with Special Forces, and I asked a really simple question, which was – Because everyone thinks vulnerability is weakness. Everyone thinks that it’s oversharing. Everything is soft.

So I asked this question, “If vulnerability is uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure, give me a single example of courage in your life on the field, off the field, other troops, other soldiers. Give me a single example of courage that you’ve witnessed or experienced yourself that didn’t involve vulnerability, that didn’t involve uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.”

It was kind of just silence and you could see these troops, they were just shifting in their seats and uncomfortable and a couple of them started putting their heads in their hands. Then finally one guy stood up and said, “Ma’am, there is no courage without vulnerability.” Three tours, there is no courage without vulnerability.

So, I think any conversation that we start around what is courage is it’s the willingness to put yourself out there when you can’t control how it’s going to go. If you’re putting yourself out there and you can kind of control or predict the outcome, you’re not being that brave. You’re probably doing good stuff, maybe, but you’re not being courageous.

[00:15:46] MB: I just got goose bumps when you said that. Such a powerful definition, and it’s something that’s so important. It’s such a needed message in today’s world, today’s society. I feel like so many people stick to what’s comfortable and what’s safe and they’re so afraid to step into uncertainty and to step into risk.

[00:16:11] BB: Yeah, I mean, it’s the Special Forces soldier. But it’s also the guy sitting across from the person he loves and thinking, “Shit, man! I want to say I love you. Should I wait to say it? Maybe I should wait for her to say it first. Okay, you know what? I’m going to be brave. I love you.” That’s also courage and vulnerability.

[00:16:33] MB: Yeah, that’s a great point. It spans the spectrum, right? It’s these every day moments of life and it goes all the way back out to these heroic achievements in the military and beyond.

[00:16:46] BB: Yeah. I mean, it’s the CEO of the startup looking for funding and being turned down 50 times. It’s the 51st time. That’s brave. That’s courageous. That’s vulnerable. So, this mythology that vulnerability is weakness, we just cross the 400,000 pieces of data mark, which was a big mark for us. There is zero evidence, zero, that vulnerability is weakness. It is by far our most accurate measure of courage.

In fact, we have a daring leader assessment. We put together an assessment for courageous leadership, and we worked with MBA and EMBA students at Wharton, at UPenn, Kelog, at Northwestern, and the Jones School at Rice. We spent three years putting together this instrument. Make sure it’s valid, reliable. Basically, it’s as simple as this. I can tell you how brave you are by measuring your capacity for vulnerability.

[00:17:52] MB: It makes perfect sense, because if you’re afraid to be vulnerable. By definition, you’re coming at that from a place of fear and scarcity.

[00:18:01] BB: Yeah. I mean, I love the fact that you just said every day scenarios, everyday situations. Yeah, I didn’t know how this podcast was going to go. I don’t know that I’m going to get on it and give it a shot. If I screwed up, it’s going to be out to tons of people, but it’s saying something to your roommate like, “Hey! Dude, you can’t keep leaving your shit everywhere. It’s not working.” It’s sitting down with your boss and saying, “Hey, I understand I messed that up, but the way you’re giving me feedback, I can’t hear what you’re saying. So I want to learn from you, but when you’re yelling and screaming and pounding your first, that doesn’t work.”

[00:18:38] MB: One of my favorite quotes of yours, and I’m paraphrasing this a little bit, but it’s this idea that vulnerability is not as hard or scary or dangerous as getting to the end of your life and asking yourself what if I had shown up?

[00:18:54] BB: For me and for the people I’ve interviewed that are late in life, I cannot imagine a more terrifying thing. I do not want to look back. There are two things that are really important to me when I look back on my life and my career. The first one is I do not want to look back and wonder what if. What if I would have said yes? What if I would have tried that? What if I would have said I love you first?

The other thing is I want to be able to look back and know without question that I contributed more than I criticized, because criticism is so easy. It’s not vulnerable. It’s not brave. Contribution, super brave and hard. Because everyone will have comments and thoughts about what it is. There’s very minimal risk of failure and criticizing.

That’s why the Teddy Roosevelt, it’s not the critique who counts. For me, it’s really not the critique who counts. So if you leave some kind of really shitty tweet and your avatar is an egg or like the little icon or some movie star and your handle isn’t your real name, useless to me. Block or mute forever, whichever is easiest for me.

But if you leave a really hard thing for me to hear, but it’s respectful and your name is there and your picture is there, there’s a 95% chance, if I see it, I’m going to come back and say, “Tell me more. I’m curious. Why do you think that? I’m interested. Can we dig in?” I might DM you and say, “This is a really interesting point.”

I mean, someone made a point about something that I said in Braving the Wilderness. I was talking about Black Lives Matter and why it’s important and I was talking about the dehumanization of people. A woman said, “There's something about the way you framed this sentence that felt privileged and tone deaf to me.” At first I kind of recoiled and I’m like, “Oh my God! I’m out here supporting this stuff that like I’m taking a lot of heat for, and then yet I'm still tone deaf.” But I was like, “Tell me more.”

We had this long conversation on our DM's on Twitter and I called my agent and said, “Stop the process. Is that a real thing? If need to change something. I wrote something that was in a privileged blind spot for me. I need to change it. I can make it better.” They stopped him and changed it. Random House did. So, feedback, even hard feedback, constructive feedback, difficult feedback, is not the same as being a critic your whole life and never risking vulnerability. It’s just not brave.

[00:21:32] MB: So, how do we start to step into vulnerability, or as you called it, rumble, with vulnerability?

[00:21:38] BB: The answer is pretty counterintuitive, because here's – When I spent the last seven years studying leadership, and I mean talking to everyone, leaders from everyone from Pixar, to Special Forces, from oil and gas companies in Singapore to people who work for the White House, like across-the-board. Talking to Fortune 10 CEOs, really asking what is the future of leadership.

So, it was the first time I had ever done a study where the answer saturated cross. There was not a single participant who said something different than, “Oh my God! The future of leadership is courageous leadership. We've got to have braver people and braver cultures.” We are facing too many geopolitical, environmental, just technology, everything is shifting so fast that if we don't have courageous people leading, companies won't make it. Organizations won't make it. Governments won't make it.

So was interesting is my hypothesis was wrong. So I assumed that the greatest barrier to what I call daring leadership or courageous leadership was fear. So as we started moving into this what we call selective coding, I went back to some of these leaders and said, “Wow! Okay, we're hearing it's brave leadership. We hear the only people who will be standing in the next five years and really meaningful leadership capacities are courageous people, building courageous cultures. How do you stay out of fear?”

These people looked at me like I was crazy. They were like, “What?” I said, “You’re a daring leader, how do you stay brave all the time?” They’re like, “I'm afraid all the time. I don't know what you're talking about.” I was like, “What?” But you’re a brave leader.” They’re like, “Well, you can put me on whatever list you want to, but I’m scared all the time.”

So, as we started digging in and digging deeper into the data and interviewing more people about that, what I learned was it's not fear that gets in the way of us being brave. It's armor. Armor gets in the way of us being brave. Armor gets in the way of us being vulnerable.

So, the difference is, let’s say, you and I are both leaders, and we're both on a scale from 1 to 10 thought – We’re both scared five. So, Matt’s a five scared leader, and I’m a five scared leader. But as a daring leader, Matt, you're aware of your armor and you choose to be vulnerable and show up and take it off even though it's really seductive to put it on. I, on the other hand, am not aware about how I use armor to show up. So, I stay in my armor.

So, the first thing we have to do is understand – I mean, you can’t do any of these without self-awareness. So the first thing is understand what is your go-to-armor. How do you self-protect when you're in uncertainty risk and feel emotionally exposed?

For me, it's perfectionism. I get emotionally intense and can talk over people. This is not mine particularly, but some people, they use cynicism as armor. Some people – And this is not mine either, but – I mean, trust me. I have a shit ton of it, but these just happens to not be mine. A lot of people have to be the knower. So when they’re vulnerable and feel exposed, they become the knower, and it's more important for them to be right than get it right.

So, we have to figure – I’m a pleaser. That's definitely mine, and I know when I'm wearing my pleasing, good girl, make everyone around me happy armor, because the armor weighs 100 pounds, but the resentment weighs 1,000 pounds. I become a really resentful, angry person.

So, where we start with learning how to rumble with vulnerability is examining what myths were we raised believing. Were we raised believing it's weakness? Were we raised believing that it's over-sharing? How were we raised?

Then the second question is what armor do I use to self-protect. Am I the blustery, posturing tough guy? Am I the knower? Am I the cynic? It's all bullshit. None of it matters. What is our armor? Does that make sense?

[00:25:34] MB: That totally makes sense. I love the little quip about how the armor weighs 100 pounds, but the resentment weighs 1000 pounds.

[00:25:41] BB: I mean, this is the thing. Even if the people listening are between 25 and 35, there is a difference between a 25-year-old and a 35-year-old, and the difference is when you're 25 – I have a 20-year-old daughter and I’m like, “Man! If you can get this now, I don't even know what you'll be able to accomplish.”

The difference is when we’re in our 20s and even our early 30s, we are still convinced that the armor serves us. We’re still fresh off adolescence. I mean, they moved adolescence to like 24 now or something, around brain development. We still believe the armor serves us. But by the time you get to 35, 38, 40, for sure. Then you're in kind of midlife and then that's when the universe is like – The armor, it's killing you, and the drink-in and the work-in and the achieving and acquiring. None of it will ever take away the pain that that armor causes you.

So, I think, really, if you look at kind of the people that we’re talking to probably today, this is such an opportunity in your life to figure out the armor and to really start using some loving kindness and some self-compassion to talk to yourself about how it's not serving you anymore.

[00:27:04] MB: Hey, I’m here real quick with confidence expert, Dr. Aziz Gozipura, to share a lightning round insight with you.

Dr. Aziz, how do you become more confident and what do people get wrong about confidence?

[00:27:18] AG: I love this question. So, my life mission is to inform people this one thing, that you can learn confidence. Because the biggest thing that people don't realize is that confidence is a skill. They think confidence is something that you're just born with, that the people that look confident just somehow have some ability that you don't have, and that’s what I thought for many years until I discovered that actually this is something we can learn.

So, what most people get wrong about this other than thinking that they can't, so they don’t even try, is think it’s going to be this huge undertaking and it’s scary and they try to just push through and do this thing that I hate to phrase, but it's so common, which is fake it till you make it. What they don't realize is that there is a much easier way, a simpler way and ultimately a faster way and a gentler way. That is to treat it like any other skill, like the guitar. You want to learn how to play the guitar. You want to break it down into its individual elements, like notes, chords, progression, scales. If you learn each individual thing, all of a sudden, you could play a beautiful song.

Confidence is absolutely no different than that, and you can break confidence down into its little individual elements, like body language, starting a conversation. How to be assertive? All these things can be broken down in sub skills, and if you just learn those sub skills one after another, take action on what you learn and practice it just like an instrument, all of a sudden, in a pattern, in a period of months – You could be stuck for decades, but in a period of months, you can have more confidence than you've ever had in your entire life. That's what I’m dedicated to doing. That's what I teach. That's what I create all my programs around, and that's really the message that I want to get out there to everyone listening and everyone in the world.

[00:28:54] MB: Do you want to be more confident and stop suffering from social anxiety and self-doubt? Check out successpodcast.com/confidence to hear more about Dr. Aziz and his work and become more confident.

[00:29:11] MB: You touched on this a little bit, but what does it look like when you start to take the armor off? And I think this might be a good place specifically to look at this, because people pleasing and that kind of stuff is also something that I really struggle and deal with as well. So, maybe since that’s something we both struggle with, how would you think about starting to take that armor off?

[00:29:31] BB: I think it's some self-exploration, for sure, and I think it's about always understanding, especially when we were young. I would say young as like five or six to probably early 20s. How did it serve us? We were both people pleaser. So, are we both use people pleasing as armor? I wouldn’t tie it to my identity or your identity, but I'd say it's armor for both of us, as you tell me.

How did it serve us? What did we gain by it? How did it help us get what we want or need or think we deserved? What has been the cost of it? What is the cost for that armor? What is the cost of not saying what's really on our mind? What’s the cost of taking care of everyone around us at our own expense?

I saw this quote in the feed. We do a bunch of training for this group of African-American therapist called Black Therapist Rock, and they had this quote in their feed the other day which is like – I could barely read it. I showed it to sisters and we are all like, “Ugh!” because I said, “When you work so hard to make everyone comfortable and keep the peace on the outside, you wage a war internally within yourself.”

I just thought, “God! That's so true.” Like, it’s not my job to make sure everyone is getting along here. It’s not my job to make sure no one is disappointed with me. On my 50th birthday, Oprah Winfrey gave me this incredible advice. She said, “If you think you're going to do what you love and do work that makes a difference and never piss off or disappoint someone, you don't understand.”

So, I think for me taking the armor off for me was about really getting to the place where I do not calculate my value based on what other people think of me. My people pleasing is kind of the bright side of manipulation, and I would much rather be not liked and respected and trusted to be truthful than I would to be liked. That just doesn’t serve me anymore.

So, every time I make a decision, still, I have to think, “Am I doing this because it’s what I really –” First of all, I just spent five years figuring what it was that I really wanted. Even now, like I wasn’t even sure, because I was so used to saying yes to make sure everyone was happy and thought I patted me on the head. So, I think the thing was what it is – I think where you start is how has that been serving me? What's the cost, and what am I afraid of? What’s my fear if I stop doing this?

[00:32:04] MB: Yeah. I think those are some great really, really powerful questions and a really excellent framework to start to take that armor off.

I'm curious, how did you come to a place – Because I think many people would like to feel or say or think that they don't calculate their value based on what others think of them. But the reality is that often times we do. How did you personally, or how do we, as me, the audience, etc., move past that or move beyond better or breakthrough that?

[00:32:39] BB: I mean, I had a therapist and a big ass breakdown. That would be the moving through your plan. It’s not good. I mean, if you think you can do this work on your own, you don't understand the nature of the work. We’re not neurobiologically hardwired to figure this stuff out by ourselves.

So, whether it's a therapist, a group, a men's group, friends that you can talk to. You have to think through this stuff aloud around people you trust where there's a lot of psychological safety, and you have to think through. You have to think through – I mean, it's really hard, because – I wrote an article on my website about I just celebrated 23 years of sobriety in May. I wrote about an exchange that I had with my therapist. I think I saw her for a couple of years, maybe two years, three years, and I remember one day going into her and saying, “Man, I need something for the anxiety. I need something. The people pleasing is out of control. The anxiety if out of control.” I’d been sober at that point I think for 10 years. I just given up flour and sugar.

So I was like, “I got a have something. I got no fall back here, no beer, no muffin. I'm trying not to work 60 hours a week. I got nothing.” She's like, “What do you want me to give you?” I said, “Something for anxiety or something,” and she said, “Say more.” I said, “I’m like a turtle, a turtle without a shell. I’ve taken off all the shells. I’m vulnerable turtle, but I'm in a briar-patch. Everything hurt. Everywhere I move pokes me and hurts me.”

She's like, “Maybe we should just talk about getting out the briar-patch instead of like trying to find a new shell.” I was like, “Get out the fucking briar-patch. That’s your advice to me? That's all you got?” Then I remember like that was such an important metaphor for me to share, because I think no one wants to burn out, but everyone's living like their own fire. No one wants to hurt or have to carry around the armor or the shell, but everyone's living in a briar-patch. I think this process involves really reflecting on who am I around. I always call that like the mirror perspective. Look at who you're hanging out with. Do those people reflect your values? Who you want to be? How you want to show up in the world? Are those people brave with their lives? You got to assess like who you're hanging out with. You got to assess what it is you want from life. Are you clear about what you want? If you're not clear about what you want – First of all, if you’re clear about what you want, you’re 25. That's weird to me.

Then I think the big thing that tell even leaders, again across, the globe is you can replace the armor with something that helps you, and that's curiosity. The one thing that really deeply brave people share in common is insatiable curiosity. They're curious about themselves. They’re curious about the world they live in. They’re curious about the people around. They’re curious about how to be better.

So, curiosity. So, I think for the people listening, it’s get curious about how am I showing up. Is it serving me? Am I myself protecting in a way that's keeping me small? I mean, that's the thing about armor, is it prevents you from growing into your gifts.

[00:36:02] MB: Some really great points, and one thing that you kind of casually tossed out that I thought was really important was, even this notion that you're in your 20s, if you're younger and you're not clear about what you want to do with your life, how you wanted to find and live your life. That's okay.

[00:36:19] BB: Yes.

[00:36:20] MB: I feel like there’s so much pressure in our society today to have everything sorted out. But the reality is that's not really the case, and it's all right to be figuring things out.

[00:36:30] BB: Yes! I finished bachelor’s degree when I was 29. 29. I spent the time until I was 29 doing a myriad of things, from bartending and waiting tables for six years. Taking customer service calls in Spanish. Hitchhiking through Europe, and I learned more about empathy and vulnerability and shame and the things if I study in those periods of time as I did in doctoral classes. Studying multivariate analysis of emotional variables. Nothing is wasted.

I told my daughter when she went to school and said, “If you already know what you want to be, I'm not paying for college, because we’ll find some kind of vocational training or something.” She's like, “Oh my God, mom! You're killing me. It's so cringe worthy to not know what you want to be when it's too awkward.” During freshman orientation, knows what they want to be. I’m like, “What is everyone want to be?” “Well, everyone wants like a doctor, or a lawyer, an engineer.” I’m like, “Yeah, those are some of the most miserable 30-year-olds I’ve ever interviewed in my life. I'm giving you the opportunity to study Latina feminism in the middle – Whatever, Middle Ages.” I don’t know if there was such a thing, but probably. “I'm giving you a chance to take STEM classes and liberal arts classes and take classes that may make no sense,” because it's this Howard Thurman quote that I live by, and Howard Thurman was like a Civil Rights activist, a theologian, and he said, “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, because what the world needs is more people who’ve come alive.” Nothing is wasted, and it's the gifts that you can give us are an order of magnitude bigger if you were in your power doing what you love.

[00:38:18] MB: A great quote and a really important message and something that the listeners sometimes I think need to hear, because it's so easy to get caught up and the belief that everything has to be perfect and defined and we have to be on this trajectory, especially in today's world at such a young age.

But I want to change or really come back to something that we talked about at the very beginning, because I want to get one or two concrete strategies for developing this skillset as well, which is the ability to get back up. We talked about how important that is. How that's 100 times more important than learning how to walk.

What are some of the tools or strategies that you've uncovered for helping get back up when you fall down?

[00:39:01] BB: Yeah, there’s a lot of raw material to getting back up, but there's one piece of gold. One piece that you could listen to right now, and it could change your life over five minutes. That is understanding the neurobiology of falling. That when something hard happens, when we experience setback, disappointment, heartache, our brain is wired for one thing above all else, and that’s survival.

When something hard happens, the brain goes really limbic and it's like, “Oh my God! How do I protect you? How do I protect you?” and it's not just like – It's not like a bear is attacking you. I mean, like, it's like you and I work together and I come out of a meeting and you’re my boss. I’m like, “Hey, good meeting, Matt,” and you look at me like, “That sucked!” and you just keep walking in your office. That’s going to trigger something in our mind to go into survival mode, like, “Oh my God! My boss just said that sucked and shrugged his shoulders and walked into his office.”

So what happens is because the brain is wired that, we know now that the brain completely read story. I mean, like a computer reading an old punch card. The brain read story. It understands the narrative pattern of beginning, middle and end, and it craves a story to understand when something hard is happening.

What is happening? I don't know how to protect you. So if we give the brain a story, we get a chemical reward of, a calm reward, an, “Okay. I understand what's happening reward.” It's very seductive and necessary and helpful for us.

The problem is that the brain rewards us for a story regardless of the accuracy of the story, and the brain loves a story that if I said to myself, “I wonder what's wrong with Matt. He looks pretty pissed off. I guess maybe's having a hard day or maybe – I don't know.” The brain is like, “That's a shit story. You get nothing.”

But if I'm like, “Oh my God! Matt hates me. I knew he hated me. He’s trusted me. He's never liked me. I’ve have done something in that meeting that pissed him off. Oh my God! I'm in trouble. Oh my God! I’m going to get fired.” Then the brain is like, “Got it! Matt, dangerous, bad, against us, not safe.”

So, what the most resilient research that we found have in common and the significant change your life really is the story I'm telling myself. That when we fall, when we’re hurt, when we’re pissed, when we lose something or we’re disappointed, we fail at something at work. If we can challenge the narrative, the narratives that we make up and I can go to you and knock on your door and be like, “Hey, Matt. Do you have a second?” “Yeah, what's up?” I said, “I have a good day, and you looked really pissed and you were like, “That's sucked.” The story I'm telling myself right now is something happened in that meeting that you and I need to clean up. That you’re pissed off at me about something.” You look at me and you go, “No, man! No. No. No. No. No. Not at all. I’m just like I cannot believe these 9 o'clock meetings, instead of being done at 10, are over at 11 and 12. I mean, it just sucks. It's ridiculous. I have spin class every day at 10:30. I’m missing my spin class third time in a row.” I’m like, “Oh! What about the part where you hate me and are going to –”

The stories we tell ourselves are what keep us flat on the arena ground, mired in blood and sweat and dust. It's the narrative. Here's how that works. I use it every time Steve and I have a fight. The story I'm telling myself. I use it with the people at work all the time. I had just had a conversation with our CFO recently were I was like, “Oh my God! We were trying to negotiate this – A big partnership, and I said they’re going pull out of the deal.” He’s like, “What did you hear?”

I said, “I didn’t hear anything, but that the story I'm making up is they’ve had the redline now and they're not getting back to us with the contract redline.” He’s like, “They had the redline for 30 minutes at 60 pages.” He’s like, “Why are you making up stories?” I’m like, “I don’t know. I guess I’m in some fear and scarcity about this.” He’s like, “Okay. Well, keep checking out the stories with me, because that's a crazy ass story.” I was like, “Okay. Got it. Steve, my husband. Look, the story I'm making up right now is that you really do want to go. You're just pissed off because you don’t think I want to go.” He goes, “No. To be honest with you, I don't want to –Here's a great day. Hey, Brené, I have got a meeting at the hospital tonight. It's a dinner and a CEU continuing education. You can bring partners. But you don't really have to go.” Then I would get, “Fine. I don’t want to go.” He’s like, “Why are you being like that? I'm just saying, I know you’ve got a lot going on.” “No. It's fine. If you don't want me to go, I'm not – Whatever.”

Now it's like, “Hey, there's a thing tonight, and do you want to go? Partners are invited. When you say you don't want to go, I’m making up a story that you don't want me to go.” “No, I just know you’re busy.” “Okay great.”

This is the stories we make up and our ability reality check them completely predict our level of bounce and resilience. Are we even aware of them? Are we brave enough to check them, and can we find a narrative pattern? All of my stories that I make up always come back to I'm not enough and I'm disappointing people, which is like the bane of my existence. That's my work for this lifetime. So, if people could start thinking in this story I'm telling myself, the story I'm making up right now, we can probably use it 100 times a day in this office.

[00:44:46] MB: That’s a great tool and something that you can start implementing right away.

[00:44:51] BB: Yes. It’s so powerful.

[00:44:54] MB: Yeah, that’s amazing. For listeners, and this might actually be the answer to the question, but for listeners who’ve been listening to this who want to start somewhere, who want to begin implementing. We talk about so many important themes and ideas in this conversation. What would be one action item or step that they could take right away to start being more vulnerable, or to start getting back up, or to start implementing some of the themes that we’ve talked about today?

[00:45:21] BB: I mean, I think you could go – The Daring Leadership Assessments is free online. You could go to brenebrown.com. It’s in our dare to lead hub. You could take that. It gives you a pretty lengthy printout of the four skillsets of courage, vulnerability, rising skills, trusty skills and value skills and kind of tells you where your strengths are, where your opportunities for growth are. It's a very quick kind of thing to do.

I think a lot of this work that I do is very psycho-educational. The psychology part is you got to do some self-examination and some self-work, but the education piece is you've got to learn more. I think one of the biggest compliments I get after I give a talk is I already knew everything you said. But I didn't have any other words for it.

So, I think educating ourselves on what is vulnerability, what isn't vulnerability. I think if you're trying to get braver at work, I think dare to lead is a really great place to start. If it's about personal and work, the first place I try to especially start to explore shame, vulnerability encourage in both men and women is daring to lead.

So, I think – I mean, when we go into a place to do culture change work, we always start with book reads, our TED Talks, are something that ground people in language that they can use to talk about what they're experiencing and shared language is the root of change. So, if you're with your partner or a friends and you watch the TED Talk or the Netflix Special together and say, “I thought this was really good. I thought this part was kind of bullshit. Here are some language that was really helpful.” I think that’s how we see change happening. But language is absolutely a prerequisite for change.

[00:47:18] MB: Love the point about shared vocabulary. It's so important to have a common framework of words and ideas that you can use, because it really helps shape conversations.

For listeners who want to find out more about you, the TED Talk, the Netflix Special, the books, all of the amazing things that you're working on, what is the best place for them to do that online?

[00:47:40] BB: Yeah. I think the best place to find everything is brenebrown.com. It's just B-R-E-N-E B-R-O-W-N.com. One thing I will point out is after we finished the research for Dare to Lead, we decided this is important with give everything away.

So, there's a Dare to Lead hub that has a downloadable free companion workbook, the Daring Leader Assessment, a glossary, cards that you can download for when you're giving and receiving hard feedback that just have five or six language tips to use and don't use, a daring feedback checklist. We just made everything free and downloadable. So, have at it.

[00:48:19] MB: Awesome. Well, we’ll make sure to include all of those resources in the show notes at successpodcast.com. Brené, thank you so much for coming on the show. You're truly an inspiration. We are huge fans of you and your work, and this is a phenomenal conversation. So many powerful ideas. I laughed. I got goose bumps. It was awesome. I really, really enjoyed having you on here.

[00:48:39] BB: Thank you so much, Matt. I'm a big fan. So, it was really fun to talk to you and have, do this in person, or at least by computer.

[00:48:47] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you, our listeners, master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

I'm going to give you three reasons why you should sign up for our e-mail list today by going to successpodcast.com, signing up right on the homepage. There’s some incredible stuff that’s only available to those on the e-mail list, so be sure to sign up, including an exclusive curated weekly e-mail from us called Mindset Monday, which is short, simple, filled with articles, stories, things that we found interesting and fascinating in the world of evidence-based growth in the last week.

Next, you're going to get an exclusive chance to shape the show, including voting on guests, submitting your own personal questions that we’ll ask guests on air and much more. Lastly, you’re going to get a free guide we created based on listener demand, our most popular guide, which is called How to Organize and Remember Everything. You can get it completely for free along with another surprise bonus guide by signing up and joining the e-mail list today. Again, you can do that at successpodcast.com, sign up right at the homepage, or if you're on the go, just text the word “smarter”, S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44222.

Remember, the greatest compliment you can give us is a referral to a friend either live or online. If you enjoyed this episode, please leave us an awesome review and subscribe on iTunes because that helps boost the algorithm, that helps us move up the iTunes rankings and helps more people discover the Science of Success.

Don't forget, if you want to get all the incredible information we talked about in the show, links transcripts, everything we discussed and much more, be sure to check out our show notes. You can get those at successpodcast.com, just hit the show notes button right at the top.

Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.

June 27, 2019 /Lace Gilger
Best Of, Emotional Intelligence
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Healing Trauma - How To Start Feeling Safe In Your Own Body with Dr. Bessel van der Kolk

April 18, 2019 by Lace Gilger in Emotional Intelligence, Health & Wellness

In this episode we discuss trauma and how it is stored in the body. What causes trauma and what does it do to your body? We explore whether the rational, thinking mind can deal with trauma and look at some of the ways you can deal with traumatic experiences in your life. What are the best strategies for feeling safe, feeling calm, and feeling in control of your own body? How do you release trauma from your body and feel safe? We discuss all of this and much more with our guest Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk.

Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk is a Boston-based psychiatrist and The New York Times best-selling author of The Body Keeps the Score. He was previously the President of the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies, Professor of Psychiatry at Boston University Medical School, and Medical Director of the Trauma Center. He has taught at universities around the world and his work has been featured in TIME, The New York Times, The Boston Globe, and more!

  • What is Trauma? 

  • How do we define and understand trauma in today’s society?

  • It makes you want to forget, it makes you want to push it away, it makes you want to erase it. 

  • Trauma is something that is so horrendous that you can’t cope with it, it’s too much to deal with 

  • Trauma renders you helpless and makes you feel like there is no way out 

  • Helplessness is an absolute precondition for a traumatic experience 

  • Our society continuously ignores how trauma is formed and created - pushing it under the rug and hiding from it

  • Trauma is not a story - trauma is not a memory about the past. Trauma changes the brain. Trauma sits within you and within your body. 

  • People experiencing trauma keep behaving and reacting as if they were stuck in that experience 

  • When we are traumatized - the brain often cannot process it and the body “stores it” - the body gets stuck in a state of hyper alertness, the mind gets stuck in a state of hyper-alertness 

  • The perceptual situation in the brain becomes rewired to be on “high alert"

  • Your body, your mind, your entire system gets frozen or stuck in “fight or flight” mode 

  • When you’re traumatized, it’s very hard to learn or integrate new experiences - thats what makes treating trauma  so difficult 

  • Trauma is not typically rationally processed, it goes into the irrational part of the brain and your body gets locked into a place of constantly reacting as if you’re in a sense of danger 

  • Your body starts generating stress hormones as inappropriate times and you begin to feel out of control and helpless 

  • One of the most tragic results of trauma is people try to shut the feeling down and end up shutting down their ability to feel - or they turn to drugs, alcohol, and pharmaceuticals 

  • Studies show that yoga is more effective than any drug that has been studied for solving trauma 

  • There is promising research around psychotropics (psylocbin and MDMA) for trauma relief

  • Neurofeedback is another promising solution for trauma 

  • "Playing computer games with your brain waves” to solve trauma 

  • Trying to remove delta or theta waves in the frontal lobe

  • Self regulation - learning to control your own physiology using ancient Chinese and Indian methods - research is starting to show these solutions help as mind body interventions to solve trauma in the body 

  • Our mainstream western culture is “if you feel bad, take a drug” 

  • Practically what does it looks like to use something like yoga to regulate your own physiology?

  • Chanting is also a very good mind body intervention - singing in unison with others 

  • One of the biggest struggles of trauma is that you feel isolated or lonely or by yourself 

  • Exposure treatment misunderstands how to treat real trauma 

  • It’s not the memory its that you brain/body - entire system - is locked in a state of being “high alert” - and that these mind body interventions are some of the best ways to help people feel “Safe” inside their own bodies 

  • How do you feel Feeling safe, calm, and in control over y our own physiology?

  •  What are the best strategies for feeling safe, feeling calm, and feeling in control of your own body?

  • Trauma is a bodily experience of being intolerable physical sensations - people can’t stand the way their bodies feel 

  • Breathing, moving, chanting, yoga, qigong, massage, dancing - these are all ways that you can make your body feel safe. 

  • Once your body feels safe, you can allow yourself to slowly go to experiences from the past that caused the body to be put into a traumatic state 

  • Your body has to feel safe and be present to heal trauma 

  • Sitting still and meditating is often a challenge when you’re experiencing trauma 

  • None of this has to do with understanding or explaining why you’re experiencing trauma - understanding WHY your’e experiencing trauma doesn’t make you resolve it

  • The rational brain has nothing to do with solving trauma in the body - it has to do with your “animal brain” 

  • This is NOT a rational problem - you can’t solve it rationally 

  • What are some of the best solutions?

    • EMDR is another effective technique or strategy for laying small traumas to rest 

    • What is somatic experiencing and how does it work? 

    • Sensory motor psychotherapy 

    • Traumatic sensitive yoga 

    • Sidran Foundation

    • Trauma Research Foundation

  • This work is 30 years old - people are just discovering the best treatments for trauma and its a cutting edge field - lots of the solutions don’t have a lot of evidence yet because its so new - its all a work in progress - it’s not definitive yet 

  • How to help release trauma from your body, how to feel safe in your body 

  • What is EMDR? A strange technique that may be revolutionary for solving trauma according to new research and brain scans. 

  • Does cardio help or hurt when trying to connect with the body? Not necessarily - it’s all about trying to make your mind and body connect more deeply. 

  • Homework: Take care of your body. Develop a loving relationship to taking care of your body. 

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Want To Dig In More?! - Here’s The Show Notes, Links, & Research

General

  • Dr. van der Kolk’s Website

  • Dr. van der Kolk’s Wiki Page

  • Dr. van der Kolk’s Google Scholar Cited Works

Media

  • [Article] Medium - “What MDMA Therapy Did For Me” by Tucker Max

  • [Article] Interview on Psychotherapy.net - “Bessel van der Kolk on Trauma, Development and Healing” by David Bullard

  • [Article] NY Times Magazine (2014) - “A Revolutionary Approach to Treating PTSD” by Jeneen Interlandi

  • [Article] NY Times (2018)  - “How to Rewire Your Traumatized Brain” by Concepción de León

  • [Podcast] - On Being: BESSEL VAN DER KOLK - How Trauma Lodges in the Body

  • [Podcast] - Shrink Rap Radio: #436 – Brain, Mind, and Body in The Healing of Trauma with Bessel van der Kolk MD

  • [Podcast] - The Relationship School: 3 Things Bessel van der Kolk Did To Help Him Through His Recent Trauma – SC 191

Videos

  • Center Scene - “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma”

  • Meg-Roitwell - “Bessel van der Kolk - how to detoxify the body from trauma”

  • 2015 Walden Behavioral Care Conference - The Body Keeps the Score. Bessel van der Kolk

  • KripaluVideo - Bessell van der Kolk: Overcome Trauma With Yoga

  • Big Think (2015) - Psychiatry Must Stop Ignoring Trauma, with Dr. Bessel van der Kolk

    • Learn the Signs and Symptoms of PTSD, with Dr. Bessel van der Kolk

  • Open to Hope - Episode 47: Healing Trauma/Creative Activities

  • Praxis TV - How Neurofeedback Can Change the Way We Approach Trauma Treatment

  • Prime Book Review - The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the ... by Bessel van der Kolk | Book Review

  • Dance based on the book - The Body Keeps the Score: Dancing with Trauma and Recovery

Books

  • [Book Site] The Body Keeps Score

  • [Book Citation] The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. by Bessel van der Kolk

  • [Book] The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk M.D.

  • [Book] Traumatic Stress: The Effects of Overwhelming Experience on Mind, Body, and Society by Bessel A. van der Kolk, Alexander C. McFarlane, and Lars Weisaeth

  • [Book] Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: Psychological and Biological Sequelae (Clinical Insights) by Bessel A. van der Kolk

Misc

  • [Website] Trauma Research Foundation

  • [Website] The Center for Self Leadership

  • [Website] Sidran Institute

  • [Website] EMDR Institute Inc.

  • Trauma Center Publications

Episode Transcript

[0:00:00.8] MB: Today, we have another exciting guest on the show, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk. Dr. van der Kolk is a Boston-based psychiatrist and the New York Times bestselling author of The Body Keeps The Score. He was previously the President of the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies, a professor of psychiatry at Boston University Medical School and Medical Director of the Trauma Center. He has taught at universities around the world. His work has been featured in Time, the New York Times, The Boston Globe and much more.

Dr. van der Kolk, welcome to the Science of Success.

[0:00:34.1] BvdK: Good afternoon, Matt. Thanks for having me.

[0:00:37.8] MB: Yeah, we're very excited to have you on the show today. I'd love to start out with really a fundamental discussion, or understanding for listeners who I mean, the word trauma really gets thrown around a lot and it's a very deep subject. I'd love to just begin with something simple, which is how do you define trauma? What is trauma?

[0:00:59.8] BvdK: Trauma is an experience that overwhelms you, that just wipes you out, just makes you have an experience and reaction of, “Oh, my God.” Really makes you collapse and makes you want to forget, that makes you want to push it away, makes you want to erase it, is an experience that makes it too – it's too hard to go back to. You don't want to remember it. You don't want to feel it, because it's so horrendous.

[0:01:53.0] MB: is this something that only comes from the most extreme experiences of life, or can we experience or be traumatized by the experiences of everyday existence?

[0:02:08.7] BvdK: Time is really something that just is so horrendous that you cannot encompass it. You cannot cope with it. That is too much. Suddenly seeing your best friend getting killed or something it's just like, “Oh, my God. Oh, my God.” It's not just a lousy experience. Not flunking for an exam, or being fired from a job.

[0:02:37.5] MB: It has to be something more visceral, something that's almost the body can't quite process it.

[0:02:45.2] BvdK: Yes. The reaction is really, “Oh, my God.” It renders a person completely helpless and no way out basically. Yeah. It can be as simple as being beaten up by your mom when you're a kid. Even though you're screaming, she keeps going on, or he keeps going on. For kids, something in the family system can be quite horrendous in terms of being beaten up, or being kicked, or being molested in the way. For a child, the experience can be quite overwhelming. Just with adults, you could have fought back or you could have done something about it.

[0:03:35.0] MB: Does helplessness play into our experience of trauma?

[0:03:41.8] BvdK: Helplessness is an absolute precondition for. Defeating needs to be like, there is nothing I can do to change what's going on here.

[0:03:53.5] MB: I want to zoom out slightly and hear from you a little bit about the history of our relationship and understanding of trauma and how to treat it in the medical world.

[0:04:09.9] BvdK: Well, the history waxes and wanes. Basically, just like people have been traumatized, society at large doesn't really want to think about it. Doesn't really want to go there, because it's too painful and people feel horrendous and helpless and responsive. I've seen in my lifetime people tend to push things away after a war is over. Civilian populations and politician once again think, “Oh, let's go to war.”

For example, before the invasion of Iraq, I wrote an editorial to New York Times saying, “Yes, you can indeed go to war with Iraq, but what will happen is that after people come back, there will be more suicides than there were battle casualties, because we know that from every other previous war, about half of the people who we will send off will become drug addicted, or alcoholics because it [inaudible 0:05:07.2] to every war. Many of them will become unemployable. Their family relationships will oftentimes become extremely difficult and falters. We know what will happen. If you want to forget the reality of what happens after something like this, you can go to war.

People continuously just ignore what happens. We know there are about a million abused kids in America and we tend to just think, “Oh, somehow they will get over it. Kids are resilient.” No, the kids are not resilient and we will pay a heavy price for outgoing maltreatment for children.

Basically, the history or has been always let's push it under the rug. Let's make it disappear. Let's not pay attention to it. Then from time to time if something happens and something comes up in the culture right after war, people say, “Oh, my God. Look what happened?” Then before too long, it gets forgotten again. Again, something like, what happened in the Mexican border right now with the refugees and everybody goes, “Oh, my God. Isn't it terrible that's happening to these kids?” At the same time, we ignore the affected 2.3 million American children have kids, have parents in jail, are living under circumstances, not unlike what refugees do at the Mexican border.

[0:06:43.8] MB: One of the most interesting things that I've found in your work is this idea that trauma is not just a story, it's not just an experience, but it actually physically changes the brain. Tell me about that.

[0:06:56.1] BvdK: Yeah, because trauma is not a memory about something, about the past. The past is over, but the trauma sits inside of you and it makes you feel and behave as if it is still going on. Post-traumatic stress is really not post-traumatic. It is you right now feel like it's happening to you again, over and over again. You keep behaving and reacting as if you’re stuck there.

There is something very fundamental about the brain not knowing that it's over. Even though roughly it's over, how your system keeps reacting to all stuff as if it's still happening, because the brain changes.

[0:07:50.3] MB: Tell me a little bit more about how the brain changes and how trauma gets for a lack of a better word, or correct my phrasing if this is wrong, but stored in the body.

[0:08:04.6] BvdK: Well, basically what happens is that the capacity of the brain to process an experience as belonging to the past is [inaudible 0:08:13.2], and so the body automatically had the immune system and the endocrine system and the perceptual systems of the body, of the mind, of the brain continue to react as if they are still in danger, so your body is more likely to develop autoimmune diseases, to react to things in the extreme way, to develop heart disease, to develop a number of illnesses, because the body stays on constant alert for something and the body doesn't know where this place is alert for, but it's gets stuck. It is hyper alertness.

The mind gets stuck in a state of, “Oh, my God. I'm going to get hurt.” Suddenly, people may erupt in a defensive maneuver, or become upset. They know that it's irrational. They know they shouldn’t behave like this, but something makes them feel and behave in a particular way. That's basically because the perceptual system in the brain is rewired to overreact to current stresses.

[0:09:29.2] MB: Is trauma stored in certain parts, or areas of the body, or there's certain traumas that are that are stored in certain places, or how does that –

[0:09:40.4] BvdK: It is how the perceptual system of the body is organized. It's brain circuits and body circuits basically. It's about your whole orientation. Like learning how to speak a language, certainly your body, your mind is organized in a new way. That particular areas of the brain where you can say, yeah, you see it over there, you see it over there, you see it in that area called amygdala, you see it in an area called the periaqueductal gray, you see it is an area called anterior cingulate, you see it in an area called the parietal temporal junction, you see it in the insula, which is a connection within your brain and your body, how you perceive your body.

There’s many brain areas that are changed by trauma and the longer it's – the longer its been going on, the more things changes and your whole system becomes a system that tries to cope as it continuously living over time.

[0:10:49.5] MB: Would it be correct to describe that almost as the body getting stuck or locked into that fight or flight mode?

[0:10:58.1] BvdK: Fight, flight and freeze. Not just the body, the whole system – the perceptions that people have, the body of reactions that people have, the way you interpret things with your mind. Yeah, they get stuck in – get stuck at the times of the trauma. I mean, they have a hard time moving on and getting new stuff in. Among the tragic things about being traumatized, it's very hard to learn new experiences, new integration. Somehow it becomes very hard to take in new experiences. It becomes hard to learn, that's why it's such a gigantic public health issue, and that's why treating and taking care of abuse and trauma, this gets important, because if gets kids get stuck there, it becomes very hard for them to become contributing members of society.

That's also true for veterans, of course. Their identity is, “I'm a warrior,” and gets stuck there. They keep having their military decals on their car and this identity. It's hard to move on and say, “That's a long time ago.”

[0:12:21.0] MB: Tell me a little bit more about some of the science behind – obviously you have a very robust research background, been studying and working on the problem of trauma for a long time. Tell me about some of the science and some of the research behind it.

[0:12:35.9] BvdK: Well, first the technology that we have is mainly in the area of page caps. The technology has changed over the past 30 years. We have been able to visualize a lot of how these changes are organized in the brain, so we get the first. One of the most important findings, was our very first study and very first brain study of trauma, there’s people where we saw that the trauma is really lodged in the right side of the brain, the back of the right side of the brain, which is the non-national reactive part of the brain that would be referred to as the housekeeping of the body, is the part of you that takes care of how your body is organized in many ways.

What we discovered is that basically, the trauma barely goes into your rational part of the brain, but it really goes into where your – into the way you organize your body. Your body keeps reacting as if you're in danger. You have these illogical reactions where you get upset and your heart starts racing, you start submitting stress hormones at inappropriate times. You feel out of control and the people around you think this person is nuts. It's not only the arousal, which is part of what happens after trauma, it’s also the shutting down and you feel completely helpless. You don't keep fighting, and so trauma is not primarily about a fight-flight response. It’s primarily about the shutdown response. Your body starts getting into a defensive mode to try not to feel, try to not experience, try not overreact.

One of the most tragic results of trauma is people try to show themselves down and not to feel anything at all. That of course makes it very hard to feel alive and to be engaged with your environment.

[0:14:51.4] MB: Often, people result to things like drugs and alcohol. Even in the western approach to solving trauma, in many cases people look to things like pharmaceuticals as the first step in that process, is that correct?

[0:15:04.4] BvdK: It fascinates me how doctors keep looking for psychotropic agents, or for drugs to make people better. In fact, our research that shows that drugs don't work very well at all. For example, we did a series of studies, three of them actually, where we showed that yoga is more effective than any drug that has been studied. The one drug that’s probably helpful to make you not feel anything is opioid drugs, that's maybe part of either such a large opioid epidemic, but doctors prescribes are not particularly helpful most of the time.

Drugs are generally are not the answer. In our most current research, actually we're using psychotropic agents as using hallucinogens. We're using psilocybin and MDMA, or ecstasy to help people to really reorganize these perceptual problems. That won't be legal for a number of years, but that’s our latest research that we’re involved in. You can allow yourself to get the courage to process all the information if you take these hallucinogens, these psilocybin, or MDMA ecstasy, seem to be very helpful to help people to serve in a very quiet and self-compassionate way to say, “Yes, this is what happened to me. It happened to me a long time ago.” Awful and painful. Now, I may live in a different stage of my life. One of the most exciting areas of research right now is the work that I and many of my colleagues are doing and these newer agents.

[0:17:11.8] MB: It's funny, I just read an article last week about MDMA therapy and obviously, it's illegal in the United States. As a fascinating read, not something I've done a lot of homework on, but it's curious to see that you've also recently been doing some research around MDMA and its solutions for trauma.

[0:17:30.4] BvdK: Yeah. This is one of the promising frontiers. It's not the only one. The other thing that we're doing is somebody called neurofeedback. Now that we know what the circuits are of the brain, it get disturbed, we actually are able to harvest people's brainwaves project it in a computer and then have people play computer games with their own brain waves in a way to reorganize their brain waves. That's actually for me an even more exciting prospect. Not nearly as sexy as the hallucinogens, but it would be a fantastic thing. If you could do this for school children who are traumatized, because we could help kids to be alert and attentive and to manage their emotions, so they can actually be children and be engaged with the classroom procedures.

[0:18:29.5] MB: That sounds really interesting. Tell me a little bit more about this idea of playing computer games with your brainwaves.

[0:18:36.0] BvdK: Well, it's a fairly old technique by now. You can harvest people's brainwaves by putting electrodes on the skull and harvest with outputs underneath it. Then you can project it on the screen and then you can play a computer game where we can serve [inaudible 0:18:51.3] for a certain brainwave patterns for people. Whenever your brain does divide in you, a spaceship starts moving, or color starts coming up, or something happens when the brain gets reinforced to create new patterns of engaging with the world around us, away from the habitual traumatizing patterns.

[0:19:19.2] MB: Which kinds of brainwaves are you typically trying to produce or reinforce with this neurofeedback?

[0:19:25.4] BvdK: Well, we certainly tried to not have the frontal lobe part of the brain be asleep, as it's oftentimes isn't traumatized people, so you certainly don't want to have delta or theta, where is in the front. You certainly don't want to have very fast, agitated waves in the back of the brain, which is supposed to quietly monitor your body, instead of exciting your body. You need the circuits of the brain that you try to rearrange, so that you actually are in the state, that you can play very good attention to what's going on around you, and when your brain is not primarily oriented towards, “Oh, my God. Something terrible is going to happen to my body and I’m in danger.” This basic applied neurophysiology, applied through science where we can actually help people to rewire how different parts of the brain communicate to each other.

[0:20:27.7] MB: I want to come back to something you touched on a minute ago and explore a little bit more some of the really simple mind-body interventions that people can use to help overcome, or deal with trauma. Tell me a little bit more about yoga. I know you've also written and spoken about Qi Gong as another potential solution. Tell me more about those, what the research shows.

[0:20:53.5] BvdK: I don't study Qi Gong, but I'd be amazed if Qi Gong would do something very different to yoga. Certainly, learning how to – See, our culture is not a culture that's very much focused on self-regulation. There's other cultures, like how the Chinese are very good at, some Indians are very good at, where you can really learn to control your own physiology. As I did, there's these age-old Chinese and Indian methods where you can actually learn to by controlling your breath that comes out of your movements, can manage your own physiological arousal.

The only thing that I've studied there is yoga. I’ve not really studied tai chi, or Qi Gong, but these parts if they wouldn't do the same thing, you can actually learn to manage the housekeeping of your body, which gets so disturbed by trauma. by engaging in a regular yoga practice and really learning how to move and to breathe in a way that makes you feel calm and safe. I call this, so a post-alcoholic culture. The mainstream culture, the western culture is very much if you feel bad, take a drug. It gives these very contradictory messages to our kids. You say to our kids, don't take drugs, but take this drug for your ADHD, or take this drug for your bipolar illness.

We don't really teach kids, or adults that our culture is you can actually regulate your own physiology and a lot of the things that I'm really pushing with whoever I can talk to is that every school should learn the four R's, reading [inaudible 0:22:37.8] and self-regulation and that every school actually should teach kids how to regulate their own physiology. It should be a basic skill as all of us as humans should learn.

[0:22:51.7] MB: Let's dig into that a little bit. Tell me practically what does it look like to use some of these techniques to regulate your own physiology?

[0:23:01.5] BvdK: You start every day with doing yoga, or Qi Gong. You start by sitting still, focusing on your body, activating the interoceptive part of your brain, the midline cortical structures of your brain which has to do with self-regulation, you pay attention to your internal world, you pay attention the way you move, you pay attention to the way you breathe and notice how your breathing patterns change your thinking and your mood patterns and you really become familiar with your own internal world.

Basically, what I advocate is that everybody, but particularly traumatized people really have it, practice in which every day they practice being still and working with their bodies to regulate their physiology.

[0:23:54.4] MB: What would you say to somebody who's listening to this interview who thinks that yoga, or meditation, or some of these practices are unscientific, or new agey, or not really effective interventions for traumatic experiences?

[0:24:11.8] BvdK: I would say read the literature. That means that you really are all familiar with the science and you should look up my name and go into Google Scholar and see our researches I and other people have done. If you want to stay with taking drugs, you should definitely do so, but it won't help you very much.

[0:24:35.7] MB: The science is resoundingly clear that a lot of these sometimes ancient mind-body interventions are really bearing out to be really effective ways of managing our own bodies and integrating our mind and body more closely.

[0:24:48.7] BvdK: Yeah. That may be why people have been doing it for thousands of years. Yeah. Chanting is also very good for people. Chanting cases, your heart rate variability changes it. Whereas, your brainstem, the core of your brain just regulate in your body works. Every religion involves chanting basically. It’s very sad that people don't chant so much in our culture anymore. Our grandparents all chanted and sang, but we don't do it very much anymore. Everybody should go back to actually singing in unison with other people, as people have always done in every religion, because it helps people to feel calm and safe. The military also does it. They do the cadences, and so moving and singing together is very good for people's physiology.

[0:25:42.1] MB: Is that something that you have to be chanting with other people to sync up collectively together, or can you do it by yourself?

[0:25:51.5] BvdK: You probably can do it by yourself, but traditionally for since time immemorial, people have worked in making themselves feel calm and a member of community by singing together. Making music together is a communal enterprise and one of the big things of trauma is that you feel isolated, lonely and bereft and separated from anybody else. Learning how to get in tune with other people, being in sync with other people is undoubtedly a very good thing when you’re traumatized.

[0:26:31.7] MB: What about something, or what has your research shown around things like exposure therapy, or revisiting past experiences, or past traumas as a methodology for healing or overcoming traumatic experiences?

[0:26:47.6] BvdK: Well, I think blasting people with the memory of the trauma is the worst thing you could do to people. You may if you blast people long enough, make them desensitize them, but you also desensitize them to themselves and everything else around them. As of making people, their sensitivity is not a purpose of treatment. I think the whole notion of exposure treatment is really a misunderstanding about the traumatic stress does, because it's not the memory that really is the primary issue, but it's affected your brain has changed in response to the old saying you need to help your brain to feel safe in the present.

It’s indeed helpful to be able to relive the memory from a very safe point of view, but the most important thing is that the mind and the brain needs to be very calm as you revisit the horror of the past, and so making people feel horrified as they relive the past is very, very bad for them and would be anti-therapeutic. The reason why we do things like psychedelics and MDMA when we give people, to people with PTSD is because these drugs help people feel very safe, very calm, so did the mind and the brain is capable of actually going back there and saying, “Yes, this happened to me, but this happened to me a long time ago.” Just blasting people with their past is very bad for them.

[0:28:26.2] MB: I think this is obviously a point you made earlier in the conversation, but it bears repeating because it's such an important understanding of the way that this functions, that it's not about the memory of the experience, but rather that because of the experience, the brain, the body, or really the entire system, or your entire system is locked into this state of being on high alert, or being in threat mode and that these interventions, these mind-body interventions like yoga or the chanting, etc., are ways to help people feel safe inside their own bodies.

[0:29:02.3] BvdK: Yes. The core, the operative word here is feeling safe, calm and in control over your own physiology. You don't want to do anything to just blast people with things that make them feel out of control again. The whole teaching issue is how can I help you to feel safe inside and if you have the courage to face very, very difficult things while you feel safe and you feel no harm can occur to you. The most important thing is to create an environment of safety and physiological calm in which healing can occur.

[0:29:51.2] MB: At the risk of rehashing, some of these we've already talked about, I think it bears digging back into this a little bit. Tell me really specifically what are the best strategies that your science, your research, decades in trauma treatment have uncovered for helping people feel safe, calm and in control of their own bodies and their own physiologies?

[0:30:12.0] BvdK: Look, so it starts off as feeling safe in your body. That means that you need to actually do something that allows you to feel your sensations without being freaked out by them. The experience of trauma is we lived in the form of heartache and gut-wrenching physical sensations as a bodily experience of, “Oh, my God. I'm in danger and this is intolerable.” The reason why people take drugs is because they have intolerable physical sensations. They cannot stand the way their body feels. The core issue is we need to help people to feel safe in their bodies. Breathing, moving, chanting, yoga, Qi Gong, maybe dancing massages maybe one – people have to discover first how can I make my body feel safe?

Once your body feels safe, you can allow yourself to slowly go to experiences, or from the past are too horrifying to meet and to encounter again. Once you feel really safe, you can bite off little pieces of what happened back then and say, “Yes, that is horrible.” Then a three-years-old, when an eight-year-old seeing that person being blowed up, or being threatened, or big raped was horrendous. Because I feel safe right now, I can really deeply appreciate that's what's happened back then is something that belongs to my past, not to my present. You can only do that once your body feels safe and feels deeply rooted in the time that you live in 2018 in our case.

[0:32:17.9] MB: Mindfulness, yoga –

[0:32:19.6] BvdK: These issues – yeah, mindful. Mindfulness is difficult for most traumatized people, because becoming still it means they empty our mind and then the demons from the past tend to come up. Just sitting still in meditation is for most traumatized people a big challenge. Doing something like yoga might help your mind to focus and your body to focus and generally, it's more safe for people than just sitting in meditation. I have nothing but great respect for people who have the capacity to sit in silence for 10 days and allow the demons to come out and to wrestle with them and to lay them to rest.

[0:33:10.1] MB: That's an interesting point and one I think that's worth digging into a little bit more, this idea that meditation is a very effective strategy, but it's often very challenging to sit and experience those feelings. That's why something with a little bit of movement, with a little bit of activity to help ground you and your body really helps make it easier to deal with those feelings of fear and panic and anxiety that you're viscerally experiencing.

[0:33:40.7] BvdK: The other thing that's important to say is that none of this has to do with understanding, has nothing – so explaining why you're messed up helps people to understand, “Oh, now I know why I’m messed up.” Understanding why you're messed up does not stop you from being messed up. Explain your people, “Oh, you shouldn't feel that way because this happened a long time ago and today is December 2018. How can you be so stupid to continue to feel like that,” is not really a good treatment. You should not pay for treatments like that.

[0:34:21.9] MB: I think you previously phrased it in such a way that it's not a problem that you can rationally solve.

[0:34:29.9] BvdK: That's right. The irrational brain has nothing to do with this. This has to do with your animal brain, has to do with the housekeeping of your body and your core entity of yourself that feels in danger, even though you know that you're not in danger, you know that this – you know rationally this person is not going to hurt you, but your body feels like this person is about to rape you again.

It comes from a different part of your brain that comes from that right, deep survival part of your brain. You need to go into your survival brain. Sitting on your butt and talking about it is not going to solve the issue.

[0:35:22.4] MB: For somebody who's listening to this conversation, who wants to practically start implementing some of these solutions, whether it's breathing, chanting, yoga, etc., are there any particular resources, or practices, or strategies whether that either you've researched, or that you recommend, or that you think are great starting places for getting back into the body and creating that sense of calm and peace with yourself?

[0:35:52.7] BvdK: That is the big, big question. I think if you go to the American Psychological Association website and there are some people who advertise themselves as being trauma-savvy, they may or may not be. Anybody who can work with bodily states would be very helpful. I think EMDR, eye movement desensitization processing is a very nice technique to help lay relatively uncomplicated trauma to rest is important say to – so there's a lot of EMDR trainers. People have been trained in somatic experiencing, or sensory motor psychotherapy tend to be people who basically know the principles of this. Going to set promises with yoga is helpful, going to certain healing centers like Apollo Yoga Center here in Massachusetts is helpful.

Yeah, the Sidran Foundation. It’s a foundation it has good resources. The Trauma Center, the Trauma Research Foundation, we have resources on our website. Also that experiencing does, the Center for Self-leadership has very good resources. My book has a whole bunch of resources in the back of it, of people who do various things would help.

[0:37:35.1] MB: Sorry, I didn’t I mean to interrupt you.

[0:37:38.0] BvdK: What's important here is that we have this rush towards evidence-based treatments, but it's important to remember this work is 30-years-old. People had just been gradually discovering all kinds of things. For example, 10 years ago I had nothing about neurofeedback. Most people I know still don't know anything neurofeedback. Now a number of people are good with neurofeedback. Two years ago, we started to do MDMA therapy and that's very promising. All of this is a work in progress. Just not like, “Oh, we have discovered it. We know what the truth is. This is what the evidence has done.” People are continuously learning and finding new treatments, so it's important to know that this is an evolving field.

[0:38:40.7] MB: I think that's a very important disclaimer. We'll make sure to include all of the various resources, obviously link to your book and your website and all the resources you mentioned in the show notes for listeners who want to come and do some homework, or want to find some really detailed solutions and strategies. I wanted to clarify, or understand, dig a little bit deeper into two of the things you mentioned. One just a point of clarification and forgive me for mispronouncing, but you said something of the Cedron Foundation, or I missed that –

[0:39:10.4] BvdK: Sidran. S-I-D-R-A-N is the foundation that has paid close attention to this. Yeah.

[0:39:18.2] MB: Perfect. We'll make sure that's in the notes. Then the second one, you mention the phrase somatic experiencing. Tell me a little bit what is that and how does it work.

[0:39:28.6] BvdK: Somatic experiencing is one particular trauma treatment that very much focuses on the body getting stuck in trauma and helping to release and feel safe in your body. Similar to another sister method called somatic experiencing. It has been the sensorimotor psychotherapy. Two methods developed by two different friends of mine. EMDR is very important to mention –

[0:40:04.2] MB: Tell me a little –

[0:40:05.0] BvdK: It is very helpful to – yeah.

[0:40:08.3] MB: Yeah, so I apologize for talking over you. EMDR, tell me a little bit more about what that is and from –

[0:40:14.1] BvdK: EMDR is a very strange technique that is ended by Francine Shapiro about 25 years ago, who discovered that if you call up a memory and you move your eyes from side to side, that oftentimes lead to that memory losing some of its power. It's something that I did research on, funded by [inaudible 0:40:38.8] health and we thought the deed is very helpful in many, many cases. We recently finished the study in the brain scanner seeing what it does and this actually we're able to show that moving your eyes from side to side indeed does change – activate some brain circuits that has to do with self-perception and being able to put things in the proper time sequence.

[0:41:13.3] MB: It's great to see all of these different techniques and strategies. There's a lot of solutions out there for people who might be experiencing trauma who are suffering and struggling. For listeners who are listening this episode, we want to start with one simple action item, or piece of homework to implement some of the ideas and solutions we've talked about today, what would be one piece of advice you can to them?

[0:41:37.8] BvdK: The first action item actually is to – well, one is to take care of your body and to really begin to develop a loving relationship to taking care everybody. I think yoga, Qi Gong, maybe tango dancing, maybe martial arts, a way which really gets in touch with your bodily sensations and learn how to manage about new sensations will be the foundation as far as I'm concerned.

Being able to tell somebody what has happened to you and what you’re so terrified of is also very helpful. Being able to get things off your chest, being able to say to somebody, “I was raped. I was molested.” To really tell the truth is also very important. It doesn't make it go away, but being able to put it out there and say this is what I'm struggling with is a very important issue also. Then being by somebody who really takes you very seriously and doesn't try to fix you, but tries to help you to find ways in which you can feel better about yourself is very important.

[0:43:04.1] MB: For listeners who want to – actually before we get into that, I have one other theme or question that came up when you were talking about that that I wanted to ask about. For something as simple as a cardio workout, whether it's biking, walking, running, have you found any research, any work around whether that's an effective way to get back into the body and help alleviate some of those?

[0:43:33.0] BvdK: It can be, but cardio workouts can also be great ways of actually separating you from your body, being like a monster on a treadmill, it doesn't really make your mind feel more connected with your body. People can use marathon running and these very hard exercises as ways of not feeling themselves. The mindful body techniques into health, but if you go to a gym and you've go in the treadmill, you watch Fox News, I would not call it good trauma treatment.

[0:44:19.4] MB: I think that's an important insight and then I wanted to understand that. For listeners who want to find you, find your book, your work, etc., online, what's the best place for them to go to do that?

[0:44:33.1] BvdK: Well, I have a Facebook blog, The Body Keeps Score. My book is worth reading. I like to say that has sold extremely a copy, so it must be worth reading for some people. Our website is myresearchfoundation.org. Then I have a personal website called bessosvanderkolk.com.

[0:45:05.3] MB: Well, Dr. van der Kolk, thank you so much for coming on the show, for sharing all of your incredible research and experience and strategies and solutions for overcoming trauma.

[0:45:17.2] BvdK: Thank you. Good luck with your program.

April 18, 2019 /Lace Gilger
Emotional Intelligence, Health & Wellness
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No Hard Feelings: Your Complete Guide To Dealing With Emotions At Work with Liz Fosslien & Mollie West Duffy

April 11, 2019 by Lace Gilger in Emotional Intelligence

In this episode we discuss emotions at work. Do they have a place? What can you do about them? We look at why you should be less passionate about your job, we explore the science behind actually being motivated at work and prevent yourself from being burnt out, and we share a powerfully simple emotion management checklist you can start using right now with our guests Mollie West Duffy and Liz Fosslien.

Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy are the co-authors of No Hard Feelings: The Secret Power of Embracing Emotion at Work. Liz has run workshops for leaders at organizations such as Google, Facebook, Nike, and Stanford on how to create inclusive cultures. Her writing has appeared in CNN, The Economist, The Financial Times, and NPR.

Mollie is an Organizational Designer at global innovation firm IDEO. Her writing has been featured in Fast Company, Quartz, Stanford Social Innovation Review, Entrepreneur, Quiet Rev, and other digital outlets, and she’s taught design courses at Stanford.

  • Why you should be LESS passionate about your job

  • Caring too much about your job can actually be bad for your health

  • How do we “take a chill pill” and distance ourselves from our work?

  • The Power of Rest and Recovery and the diminishing returns of over working

  • Give yourself time from the inundation of phone calls, meetings etc

  • Carve out time to think, carve out time to be alone, make time for friends and family 

  • Make sure you’re cultivating your personal relationships to prevent burnout 

  • What do people get wrong about motivating and inspiring themselves?

  • Your emotions can create and sustain your motivations

  • What are the things that kill motivation?

    • Lack of control

    • Not finding your work meaningful 

  • How to take back control of your work and deal with a tough or micro managing boss 

  • The “progress principle” - small incremental progress of small wins can snowball 

  • How do you build motivation at work? (And stop the things that kill your motivation) 

  • How do you integrate and find more learning opportunities back in work?

  • It’s biologically impossible to stop feeling emotion. You cannot make decisions without emotion. 

  • All good decision making integrates emotion 

  • Is it possible that envy can be a productive emotion? Can envy help you make better decisions

  • “Envy contains very valuable information” 

  • Can anger and anxiety be productive tools to helping you achieve your goals?

  • Why you should say “I’m not stressed, I’m excited"

  • You always have more options than you think you do. 

  • We walk through a great emotional management checklist that you can start to use right away to improve your decision making 

  • Discover your decision-making tendency - satisfiers and maximizers - what are the differences and why is that important?

  • Run your thinking by another person - verbalizing the out loud forces you to synthesizes information and identify biases in your thinking 

  • Psychological safety - An environment where people feel like they can:

    • Admit Mistakes

    • Ask Questions

    • Challenge ideas 

    • Take Risks

  • How do you create psychological safety? One easy strategy is to positively reinforce someone taking one of these risks. 

  • You can also do a “bad idea brainstorm” to help get goofy, take away the competitive edge and help people feel more comfortable 

  • Use “generative language” to keep ideas flowing and open 

  • The concept of “task conflict” - we like each other, but we clash with each other over the CONTENT of our work 

  • Write your own “User Manual” or “How To Work With Me Guide” to give to your boss, coworkers, etc 

  • Sometimes the best solution might be to do nothing 

  • Your feelings aren’t facts

  • We often react and interact with each other based on assumptions that we never both to explore or look into at all 

  • The words we say are not always what we mean 

  • "When you X, I feel Y"

  • "Don’t just do something, stand there"

  • The 3 things to do if you have an issue with someone

    • Label your feelings

    • Understand where those feelings are coming from

    • Feel calm enough to have a conversation about your emotions without getting emotional 

  • An in person request is more than thirty times more likely to be a yes than an emailed one 

  • What are some best practices for digital communication?

  • Over email (especially dealing with someone who is senior to you) you are much more likely to assume it’s negative 

  • Use emojis to express tone and emotional cues in digital communication 

  • Homework: Sit down and write down everything you’re feeling to develop your emotional granularity and self awareness. Take the time to reflect and think about what you’re feeling. Then identify the NEED behind those feelings. 

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Want To Dig In More?! - Here’s The Show Notes, Links, & Research

General

  • Liz and Mollie’s website

  • Liz and Mollie’s Twitter

  • Liz’s personal site and Mollie’s personal site

  • Liz’s LinkedIn and Mollie’s LinkedIn

Media

  • [Article] Challenge vs. Threat: the Effect of Appraisal Type on Resource Depletion by Erin N. Palmwood and Christine McBride

  • [Article] Huffpost - “A Culture of Feedback: Making it Tangible” By Mollie West Duffy and Kate McCoubrey Judson and Illustrations by Liz Fosslien

  • [Article] Design Feaster - Pride, Work and Necessity of Side Projects: Illustrator Liz Fosslien and Designer Mollie West Duffy Advocate Emotion at Work

  • [Article] CNN Tech - “15 Questions with ...Liz Fosslien”

  • [Article Directory] Mollie’s articles for Quartz and Liz’s articles for Quartz

  • [Article Directory] Liz’s work on Medium

  • [Article Directory] Quiet Revolution: Liz Fosslien and Mollie West author directory

  • [Article] IDEO - What Org Design Actually Looks Like by Mollie West Duffy

  • [Article] Everipedia Wiki page: Mollie Duffy

  • [Podcast] Your Working Life with Caroline Dowd-Higgins - Mollie West Duffy

  • [Podcast] BrandiSea - Interview with Author Liz Fosslien on Emotions in the Workplace – Episode 077

  • [Podcast] Uphill Conversations - 107: LIZ FOSSLIEN – NO HARD FEELINGS

Books

  • [Book] No Hard Feelings: The Secret Power of Embracing Emotions at Work by Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy

  • [Book] The Checklist Manifesto: How to Get Things Right by Atul Gawande

Misc

  • [SoS Episode] Seven Catalysts To Creating Progress and Becoming A More Effective Leader with Dr. Teresa Amabile

Episode Transcript

[00:00:04.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[0:00:11.8] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success; the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than three million downloads and listeners in over a hundred countries.

In this episode, we discuss emotions at work. Do they have a place? What can you do about them? We look at why you should be less passionate about your job. We explore the science behind actually being motivated at work and preventing yourself from being burnt out and we share a powerfully simple emotion management checklist that you can start using right now with our guests Mollie West Duffy and Liz Fosslien.

I’m going to tell you why you’ve been missing out on some incredibly cool stuff if you haven’t signed up for our e-mail list yet. All you have to do to sign up is to go to successpodcast.com and sign up right on the home page.

On top of tons subscriber-only content, exclusive access and live Q&As with previous guests, monthly giveaways and much more, I also created an epic free video course just for you. It's called How to Create Time for What Matters Most Even When You're Really Busy. E-mail subscribers have been raving about this guide.

You can get all of that and much more by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the home page, or by texting the word smarter to the number 44-222 on your phone. If you like what I do on Science of Success, my e-mail list is the number one way to engage with me and go deeper on what I discuss on the show, including free guides, actionable takeaways, exclusive content and much, much more.

Sign up for my e-mail list today by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the home page, or if you're on the go, if you're on your phone right now, it's even easier. Just text the word “smarter”, that's S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44-222. I can't wait to show you all the exciting things you'll get when you sign up and join the e-mail list.

In our previous episode, we shared how to get over yourself and stop taking things so seriously. We discuss the important relationship between confusion and clarity and we explored the art of letting go of the need for safety, security and control in your everyday life, so that you can relax into who you've always been with our previous guest, Dr. Mark Epstein. If you want to take things less seriously, listen to our previous episode.

Now for our interview with Mollie and Liz.

[0:03:00.1] MB: Today, we have two exciting guests for the show with a double interview. We have Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy. They're the co-authors of No Hard Feelings: The Secret Power of Embracing Emotions at Work. Liz has run workshops for leaders at organizations such as Google, Facebook, Nike and Stanford on how to create inclusive cultures. Her writing and illustrations have appeared in CNN, The Economist, The Financial Times and much more. Mollie's an organizational designer at Global Innovation firm IDEO and her writing has been featured in Fast Company, courts, The Stanford Social Innovation Review, Entrepreneur and many other outlets. She's also talked design courses at Stanford.

Mollie and Liz, welcome to the Science of Success.

[0:03:44.2] MWD: Thanks for having us.

[0:03:45.6] LF: Yeah, excited to be here.

[0:03:47.4] MB: Well, we're very excited to have you on the show today. Love what the book is about and the message. As we were talking about in the pre-show, for listeners who do end up checking the book out, the illustrations which Liz created, there's some hilarious, really, really funny images and just encapsulate all kinds of little nuances around office culture and work life and all these things. I thought the book was really great.

[0:04:11.6] LF: Thank you.

[0:04:13.1] MB: I'd love to start out with and maybe just dig into something that you open up pretty early on in the book, which seems to fly in the face of a lot of things we hear, or maybe even some people would think about as conventional wisdom, which is this notion of being less passionate about your job. Tell me more about that.

[0:04:31.3] MWD: Absolutely. We have several new rules of emotions at work that we write about. The one that we write about in the health chapter is the less passion about your job, why taking a chill pill makes you healthier. The idea is that caring too much about our job can actually be a little bit unhealthy. It's great to have passion for your job, we're not saying that, but that going overboard with that is going to make small problems or throwaway remarks feel like huge problems to you. It's possible to be overly attached to any job. By caring a little bit less, we're not saying totally stop caring, we're just saying care about yourself more, carve out the time for yourself, or the people you love, for exercise and so on.

[0:05:20.3] MB: That totally makes sense. I'm curious, what are some of the strategies that listeners could use? I mean, sometimes and I think I experienced this as well, it's hard sometimes when you get caught up in it and get really frustrated or angry about something that's going on at work, how do you create that distance, or start to as you put it take a chill pill?

[0:05:42.1] LF: Yeah, so one great way is just don't neglect your personal life. I definitely had this earlier in my career, where I thought that I just really wanted to get ahead, and so I was just going to work, work, work 24/7. That's actually not sustainable. Research shows that the productivity drops off a little bit after we've worked 50 hours a week. I think anyone who stared at a computer screen for nine hours in a row, you just feel yourself sagging, your brain turns to mush. Just really making sure to step away from the computer, put your phones away. I think we hear this advice all the time, but it's really nice to have another reminder that will just help you be more creative.

Another thing is to give yourself time away from the inundation of phone calls and meetings to really get a lot of work done, so that you don't feel so stressed at the end of the day, or on the weekends. One thing that I really like to do is just block off three hours in the afternoon and I say, “I can't schedule meetings here. I can't take a phone call. I'm only going to get a lot of work done.” I think, I hear so often from friends that it's the weekend and finally, I feel I can catch up on my work. That means that you don't have any time off, which is super crucial.

Then one last thing is if you're a manager, really setting an example. We love, we've heard examples of companies that institute policies where employees just can't e-mail each other after 7:00 p.m. Or if it's a holiday, unless it's crucial that you contact someone, just stepping away from e-mail. I think managers really set the tone for that. Just making sure, usually that e-mail doesn't really need to go out at 11:00 p.m. and so you can schedule it to go out the next morning, just these really small changes that can create a culture in which people feel a little better taking the breaks that they absolutely need.

[0:07:37.5] MB: You bring up a couple points that I think are vitally important and very interrelated, but also distinct points; one is this idea of carving out time that's not trapped in that constant state of reactivity of phone calls, e-mails requests, demands and really having a space for proactive and creative work. That's something that I personally – I try to spend – I have the opposite schedule, where I try to set my mornings to be my creative time and then have my meetings in the afternoon, but I think it's so vital.

Then the second piece of that that's also tremendously important is this notion of rest and recovery and having the reality that the research shows that there's a serious amount of diminishing returns to overworking.

[0:08:23.3] LF: Yeah, definitely. Just one other study that comes to mind on this that I really love is researchers looked at the day-to-day fluctuations in people's emotions and they found that workers are happiest and least stressed on weekends, which I think no one is surprised there. They also found out that people who are unemployed, or who were not in an office were also most happy on weekends. What they figured out was that the mechanism behind that was just that they were spending time with their friends who went into offices.

It's also crucial. It's carve out time to think, carve out time to be alone, but then keep bringing great people into your life, make time for friends if someone's in town. It might be worth it to have dinner with them and then maybe stay up a little later checking your e-mail, or just make sure that you are cultivating your personal relationships. I think the science shows that having a support network around you really helps prevent burnout, makes you happier and then that all channels into more productive.

[0:09:22.8] MB: It seems so counterintuitive that spending some time, having dinner with friends and instead of staring at your screen and sending out that e-mail at 9 p.m., it seems that's less productive and maybe especially for Americans. It's so counterintuitive and yet, research shows it and the reality is you need that downtime, you need that rest and recovery.

[0:09:45.7] LF: Yes, completely.

[0:09:47.1] MB: I want to come back to this and I hinted at it, but there's some of these cultural factors and things like that and how Americans differ from other countries, but before we dig into that, one of the other topics that I found to be really interesting was motivation and inspiration. What do people get wrong about motivating themselves, or inspiring themselves?

[0:10:09.9] MWD: Yes. I think a lot of times, we think about motivation as external factors. Obviously, we want to get paid to work and that makes a big difference. You never really know how much can you motivate yourself. Are you unmotivated because your work seems pointless? Or does your work feel pointless, because you're unmotivated? It's just so hard to figure that out?

We write about in the book that you really can inspire yourself and emotions are a big part of this, that your emotions can create and sustain your own motivation. We talk about why you might be lacking motivation, so one thing is that you don't have control over your work. The emotion of feeling you lack control can make you demotivated. Even if you can't change how much autonomy your boss gives you, there are small things you can do, even if you have a micromanager to just give yourself a little bit more control, so you can focus on small wins, you can ask your manager to define the outcomes, rather than the processes; these small tweaks that we can all do.

[0:11:16.0] MB: Tell me more about some of these things you can do to take that control and feel like you have control over your work.

[0:11:21.8] MWD: Yeah, absolutely. As I said, the first thing is just thinking about how can I have control over the processes to get towards end results. Your boss has an end result in mind. For example, I work a design and a lot of times our clients come in and they say, “Here's what we want out of this project. They don't always get to say how we do it. In fact, we have a lot of control over the process that we use, the design process that we use, and so we find that really satisfying when we come to work.

What are the ways that you can say, “I'm going to get you to the right outcome. Can I decide how I spend the day, the week, the month to get there.” Then the research shows, there's actually great research by Harvard Business School professor named Teresa Amabile and she calls it the progress principle. She says that even if you just take these very small steps every day, very incremental progress. You sent an e-mail that you'd been putting off, or you wrote a report that was on the bottom of your stock, that will make you feel like you did something that day and will actually energize you. To remind yourself these small goals do connect to a larger purpose to work towards. I love those too.

[0:12:39.4] MB: Those are both great strategies. Teresa Amabile is actually a previous guest on the show as well, so we'll make sure to throw that interview into the show notes for listeners who want to check that out.

Another thing coming back this idea of motivation, what are – so lack of control is one of the things, what are some of the other factors that you discovered that sabotage motivation?

[0:13:00.5] MWD: Yeah, so the next one is that you don't find your work meaningful. When you're like, “Oh, just working on e-mail, or working on a dataset or something,” it's really important to understand the broader impact of your work and studies show that that does make you more productive. A Wharton professor Adam Grant, we love; he did the study where he had workers at the university’s call center who were doing scholarship fundraising. He actually had the meet with some of the scholarship recipients at the university and it was a five-minute meeting. They understood how much their efforts had affected these students’ lives. The scholars who had spoken – the scholarship recipients at the end of the month raised twice as much as those who did not. Mindset really, really matters.

Another thing is that you're not conceptualizing work as a place of learning. Sometimes, we feel like, “Oh, okay. We went to college. We got a job, so learning is done. Now we're just in the workplace.” Actually, one of the best ways to learn is through action and that can be a really big motivator. Thinking about what are the side projects you want to work on, or who are the co-workers who have different skills that you could tap into, to learn any skill from, super important.

Then lastly, you don't enjoy working with your co-workers. We talk about it in the book how – okay, all of this can matter, but then sometimes there are some mornings where you're just like, “Okay, forget meaning, forget autonomy. I'm just irritated to be at work right now.” People who have friends at work always are going to find their jobs more satisfying, even in those moments. Understanding which work friends you can tap into to get that little motivation in the mornings when you need it, super important.

[0:14:55.7] MB: What are some of the strategies to bring learning back into the workplace?

[0:15:02.9] MWD: Yeah. I imagine, I think a great one is thinking about swapping skills. Finding a time with a co-worker where they can teach you something and you can teach them something and it's win-win. Starting side projects. Liz could give this example, where she wanted to learn coding basics. She actually built her personal website from scratch and it looks awesome and she taught herself how to code.

The important thing here is that it's uniquely yours. You're not doing it for anyone else, and so you're going to have to go back to your first thing, you're going to have complete autonomy over that. Then lots of organizations do have ways to learn within the organization. Looking for that through your learning and development organization, or any part of the organization you can find that in.

[0:15:52.8] MB: All great suggestions and good strategies to solve the puzzle of workplace motivation, which can certainly be a challenge. Another really interesting topic that you bring up and discuss in the book was this idea of emotions and how they interact with decision-making. Should good decisions be decisions that are completely devoid of emotion?

[0:16:14.8] LF: Yeah. I love how you phrase that, because nothing can ever be devoid of emotion. I think it's a really incorrect belief that we hold that you have rationality on one side and then you have emotions on the other, or the bigger thing that I think a lot of people still believe about work is that you can check your feelings at the door, which is just we are emotional creatures in any circumstance, it’s biologically impossible to stop feeling emotion.

That's said, given that emotions are going to be in your decision-making process, you have to acknowledge that they're there and that then allows you to filter out which of these emotions that I'm feeling are useful and which are not. In the book, we describe those as irrelevant emotions and relevant emotions. To give two quick examples, one of each; an irrelevant emotion is one that does not have anything to do with the decision, but likes to stick its tentacles into your decision.

Imagine, let's say that I'm stuck in traffic for two hours. I'm going to be irritable. I'm going to just be really grumpy when I get into the office. If I'm then making a big decision of even something as big as should we hire this person? I might come to that decision and just be – there's research that shows that when we're angry, we're more likely to relay on stereotypes, we make faster decisions. That's not the state that you want to be in when you're making a choice. Really understanding in that moment, “Okay, I'm upset. I'm upset, because I sat in traffic, and so I need to take half an hour before I go to this hiring decision.” Super important, because if I'm not acknowledging the state that I'm in, it's going to affect the choice I make.

Now a relevant emotion is one that is directly tied to the decision at hand. Examples of that are regret. If you think about – let's say you're thinking about taking a new job and the idea of not taking that job fills you with regret, that's relevant. You shouldn't base your decision on that emotion, but it should be a data point that you factor in. Then another relevant emotion, my favorite one that we touch upon in the book is envy. I think envy is this thing that we often think of as bad and that's stigmatized, especially at work.

Mollie and I do not endure letting your envy turn into bitterness, or having it affect how you act towards someone. It's again, one of these things that you should hold up to the light and examine, because envy contains really valuable information. One of the people that we interviewed was Gretchen Rubin, who's written The Four Tendencies and The Happiness Project. She told us that at some point she was a lawyer and she was thinking about her next career move. She looked in her school's alumni magazine. When she read stories about lawyers who had excellent careers, she thought that was cool and maybe she felt a little burst of motivation. When she read about alumni who had amazing writing careers, she said she actually felt physically sick with envy.

To her, that was just a really clear sign that she probably wanted to go into writing, and so then, that helped her make the decision of, “I should maybe think less about law in the future and look into how could I make a career out of writing, which is clearly something that I love, because I want the careers of people who have done that successfully.”

[0:19:39.9] MB: Two really, really good points, this idea that emotions are inevitable and that the right way we have to integrate them is to build them into our decision-making and take the information that we're getting from them. One of my favorite quotes about emotion is that emotions are data, but not direction.

[0:19:59.4] LF: Oh, I love that. Yeah, that's very in-line with our point in the book.

[0:20:04.6] MB: Even something, you threw out anger and I don't disagree that it oftentimes could be a terrible emotion for decision-making. Even anger could be a relevant and useful emotion. I sometimes feel anger is great fuel when you need to make changes and really aggressively change things. Sometimes if I'm angry and something completely different has angered me, I'll then turn that to whether it's projects, or my calendar, something like that and I'll just take a buzz saw out and start hacking away all of these things.

It can be really productive to say, but you have to have that self-awareness at the beginning, right, to check in and say, “Hey, I'm angry. How can I make this productive, instead of making it unproductive?”

[0:20:46.4] LF: Totally. I think anxiety is similar too. I am probably more anxious than most people. That often means that I worry about am I making the right decision, or even separately, am I going to do well on this? Am I going to meet the deadline? That actually is very motivational for me. I'm usually able to then say I have all this energy. We talked too in the book about this concept of reappraisal, which is that the physiological symptoms of anxiety, which is elevated heart rate, your palms start to sweat, they're very similar, almost identical to excitement.

If you're able to tell yourself, “I'm not anxious. I'm excited,” you can channel that productively and suddenly, just have a burst of motivation and again, start just checking things off your to-do list. I love this concept that you brought up about taking these things that we might normally see as scary, or bad emotions and should suppress and actually figuring out, well how could this be useful to me? Also I need to examine why I'm feeling this. Then again, address the need behind that and turn this all into productivity and then happiness and well-being. I think it's all part of the same big cycle.

[0:21:55.5] MB: Tell me a little bit more about reappraisal and how can somebody concretely start to actually apply that idea.

[0:22:03.4] LF: Yeah, so this comes from HBS STEM Professor Alison Woods. She found that again like I said, sorry Alison Wood Brooks, she found that when we experience anxiety, a really great way is to actually just say out loud in that moment, “I'm excited.” Let's say you are about to give a speech, this is something again in the research a lot of people are afraid of public speaking. If you feel your heart rate elevating, you feel yourself getting short of breath, that also happens when you're extremely excited, when you're about to tell someone great news, or if you’re waiting for a surprise birthday party to yell ‘surprise’, you're also going to have an elevated heart rate, you might get a little short of breath.

Really just saying again, it's as simple as saying, “I'm not stressed. I'm excited.” The research there does show that people who do that end up performing better, when they're able to reappraise their emotions and redirect that energy into a positive direction.

[0:23:05.8] MB: Very cool. It's a great strategy and another really thoughtful way of thinking about how to integrate emotion into performance and into our work lives. Another thing that you shared in the chapter on emotion that I thought was really important was this decision-making checklist. Tell me a little bit about why you decided to include a checklist.

[0:23:27.9] MWD: Yeah. We love checklists and Atul Gawande has famously wrote about how they save lives, pilots and surgeons use them to make sure that they're not skipping important steps. For this one, we called it a manager mind checklist. I think it's really important I think, especially for people like me and Liz, where we do have a fair amount of anxiety. It's really nice to say, “Okay, I'm going to go through this checklist that is a very standard operating procedure to help me do this thing, which can feel really daunting and irrational and emotional.” Even though we just talked about with learn from emotion, it still can be helpful to go through this process.

Just briefly, we recommend writing out your options. Usually when we think we just have two options, you actually have more options. This is something I constantly have to remind myself of, where I get into very black-and-white thinking and it's like, “Okay, I can either stay at my current job, or take a new job.” There's probably a third option out there, which is stay at my current job and ask for a promotion, or stay at my current job and work on the side project like writing a book. There's always more than two options.

Write them out, list everything that you're feeling and those can be relevant or irrelevant emotions, go through that process of regulating each emotion that is not relevant and then link the remaining emotions that are relevant to specific options. Notice if they're tied to a specific choice, are you most excited when you imagine yourself picking option A and you're most afraid when you think about picking option B. Then ask why. Instead of saying, “What my afraid of?” Thinking about why am I afraid. That gets you a lot deeper and helps you understand a little bit more.

We also recommend figuring out your decision-making tendency. You might have talked about this on your podcast in the past, but there's famous study where there's two types of people in the world; there’s satisficers and maximizers. Satisficers are usually happy with their decision when they just pick it, it's just like, here are the requirements that I have. I'm going to meet those requirements and I'm going to be happy about it. Whereas, maximizers are just like, I want to have the optimal options. I'm going to go through everything.

It tends to be that satisficers are a little bit happier, but it's not that one is better than the other. Just understanding your decision-making tendency is really important, so that you can know if you're a maximizer, you might go into inconclusive second-guessing of everything. Then run your thinking by another person. Find a friend or a colleague who you can think about your options. A lot of times verbalizing those out loud forces you to synthesize that information and they can help you identify biases. After you've done all of that, you can make a decision of knowing that you've gone through the checklist and you can make sure that it was the right one.

[0:26:35.7] MB: Great suggestions. I love all those strategies. Obviously, Checklist Manifesto, Atul Gawande’s book is a great read. One of the most powerful things that I think you just shared is just hidden in that cascade of wisdom was this idea that you always have more options than you think you do. Outside of this whole context of decision-making, I think that's a really powerful mental model and an idea.

[0:27:03.2] MWD: Yeah. Like I said, I have to remind myself of this all the time and I think, the best outcomes have usually been not the first two things that I have thought of, but it's a third or a fourth thing. You can have your cake and eat it too. If you want two things and they seem in opposition, how can you somehow have them both? You may not be able to have them both at the same time and you could say, “I'm going to have this year and the other one next year, or this during my work day and this in the weekend,” something like that. How can you reframe it for yourself?

[0:27:40.1] MB: Yeah, that thinking for – I hate to use this term, but thinking outside the box, nonlinear thinking, all of that stuff, that's something I've been personally really interested in for a long time and I've deeply studied the science behind it and the neuroscience around it and tried to develop and build that skill set, because I think it's so powerful once you can start to step out and realize there's always so many more options than you think that you have.

[0:28:05.0] MWD: Totally.

[0:28:07.0] MB: I want to Segway and dig into some of the communication strategies and team strategies that you talk about in the book. Tell me a little bit about the concept of psychological safety and how that fits in with the way we should interact with others?

[0:28:23.9] LF: Yeah. Psychological safety is when people feel they can suggest ideas, admit mistakes and take risks without being embarrassed by the group. If you think about it, it makes sense that this is the most crucial part of a team. There was a big study at Google called Project Aristotle a few years ago, where researchers went in and collected all this data on different teams. Then we're trying to see if they could predict which teams would be most successful. They were looking at things like is there a senior person on the team? What's the average tenure of all the members? Do we have introverts and extroverts?

What they found again was it's not really who's on the team that matters, it's how the team works together. The teams that had psychological safety where people could sit in a brainstorm and just feel they could say whatever was on their mind and that they could flag issues, those were the teams that outperformed.

Again, it sounds so obvious when you hear it, but it's just still so many places are not actively working to cultivate that environment. In the book, we give a few ways to really make sure that people – that you're getting the most out of all of your employees. One thing else that I want to say as well is that when we think about diverse teams, I think generally there is a correct notion that when you have more diversity, you're going to have more creative solutions. Again, that outcome is contingent upon psychological safety. If you have five people in the room and they all come from different backgrounds and they have different skill sets and they view the world through different lenses, that's all great. You want all those things. That's why you have a team, because people bring different things to the table.

If you're not creating a space in which each of those people feel they can share everything that makes them unique, you might as well just have five robots in the room, because you're just not going to get everything within each of those people. In the book, a few ways to create psychological safety; so the first is really simple and this you can do if you're a manager, you can do if it's your first day, which is just to positively reinforce someone taking a small risk.

If someone says in a meeting, “Hey, here's a potential issue I think could come up that we should think about and be prepared for,” just take the five seconds to say, “I'm so glad you brought that up. It's really important that we all come – flag things that we think might be issues.” That little thing can really make a big difference. Then a more a more fun thing that we suggest is teams can also host bad ideas brain storms. This is just to help people get goofy around each other. It takes the competitive edge off, because it's no longer who's the smartest. Let's just really throw out horrible ideas. It's a great way to get people to feel comfortable around one another. Also, often you'll find that in the worst idea, there's some nugget of wisdom and it might actually spawn into something cool.

Then a third one, the last one that I'll cover here is to use generative language. Instead of shutting ideas down immediately, or saying that'll never work, if you think that it's cool and it wouldn't take a long time to prototype or try it out, maybe just saying like, “Hey, let's try it.” Or just saying something like, “Yes.” Instead of countering with, “But, always.” I know that's a big thing at Pixar animation studio where you’re supposed to always respond with, “Yes, and,” because it's just a nice way of again not instantly rebutting someone's idea, but building off of it.

[0:32:04.7] MB: I've never come across the term, all these ideas categorized under the moniker of psychological safety, but I'm a huge advocate, huge proponent of all of these notions. The fact that whenever you create an environment where people are open and transparent, willing to admit their mistakes and failures, willing to challenge anybody's ideas, that's so important and really crystallizes and leads to some of the best possible decisions.

[0:32:30.9] LF: Absolutely. There's also research that shows that when we feel safe around our colleagues – a great example is LinkedIn. A few years ago, they started adding questions into their employee engagement survey. One of the questions was I feel that someone at work cares about me. The other question was when I make a mistake, I feel safe. The world isn't going to end, I'm not going to get immediately fired. Those two questions ended up being the biggest predictors of how long someone was going to stay.

When we do feel a sense of psychological safety, we're happier on the team and we want to stay at the company longer. We're more loyal. Again, that translates everything good is correlated with that happiness, well-being. You have the short-term, like you're going to get more innovative ideas out of people. Also the long-term is that you're just going to have happier colleagues that you get to keep for longer.

I think, there's an illustration in the book where one of the worst things is when your best friend at work quits. If you want your best friend to stay, positively reinforce them when they take a small risk.

[0:33:37.0] MB: Great suggestions and I want to continue to implement these in my own life and work and try to create those environments as much as possible. One of the other ideas that I found really interesting in that same chapter was this notion of – I think there was a whole grid that outlined each of these, but the notion of task conflict in particular and the different ways that people can be in conflict, because it's not necessarily always over the same thing. Explain that idea to the listeners and tell me a little bit more about it.

[0:34:06.3] MWD: Yeah. Task conflict and relationship conflict. The grid that you're mentioning is one of Liz’s amazing illustrations. The different axes are I like you and I hate you and I like your idea and I hate your idea. Relationship conflict is I like our idea and I hate you. Task conflict is I like you and I hate your idea.

We'll talk about task conflict first. Task conflict is when we like each other, but we are clashing about something due to the content of the work. Liz and I have this a fair amount actually when we were writing this book, so we give the example of I like to very quickly write an initial draft and send it in to our editor to get immediate feedback. Whereas, Liz really likes to mull over sections and send the editor a more polished version.

There was just a lot of conflict of I would say, “Okay, let's send it in.” Liz would be like, “No, I need another week.” I would be sitting there stewing. Over time, we realized that this actually is really helpful that we have this difference, because Liz make sure that we don't send something out that's half-baked and we're going to regret and I make sure that we are not spending two weeks obsessing over syntax.

It's just really important to talk this over and figure out what is attention and how can we actually do well with it. Every team is going to have conflict, but you have to create the structures that make sure it stays productive. In the example we've given and Liz mentioned, Pixar they have this thing where they review all of their daily draft of the films and they're encouraged to make comments that are about the shot and not the animator. It's keeping it to about the task and not the relationship.

Another example that we give is writing your own user manual. If you have different working styles that are going to clash, one thing that you can do is write like a how to work with me guide. You can answer questions like, what are your quirks? What drives you nuts? What do you value that we work with? Then small things, like what time do you want to get to work? Do you take a lunch ride? All of those things.

Then share those with the people that you work with and really take the time to do this. I often say one of the biggest things I think that we don't make time for in the workplace is the time to talk about potential conflict and how we'll deal with that when it comes up. It can be awkward. It's just really important to set aside time to do that.

Then relationship conflict, so Liz and I think fully that not have as much of this, but relationship conflicts would be if Liz had said to me, “I think it's a really dumb idea to send this chapter in right now.” I would be personally offended by that, because she's saying that I as a person am dumb. Relationship complex is much harder if it gets to that, because it can really hijack a relationship.

the way to deal with this is sometimes by simply hearing each other out. There's two different types of people; there's seekers and avoiders. Seekers are going to want to engage in conflict and avoiders would really rather do anything than deal with confrontation. It's important to understand which you are and then just share that with each other and hear each other out about the style that you're going into a team with and how it's going to affect the work. Then I think in addition to trying to preserve psychological safety to remember that sometimes if you're having a conflict with a co-worker, the best thing might be to do nothing. If you keep getting into the same issue with them, just take a deep breath, walk away realizing that there's only so much you can do. You can't change another person, and so how can you detangle yourself from that situation?

[0:38:07.5] MB: I love that suggestion. It seems very counterintuitive, but I totally agree. Sometimes doing nothing is the best strategy.

[0:38:15.3] MWD: Absolutely.

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[0:40:28.2] MB: I want to dig into one of my favorite phrases from the book that I personally really like this, but I feel may rub some people the wrong way. The subtitle of one of the chapters is this idea that your feelings aren't facts. Tell me about that and why you decided to use that language and what does that mean?

[0:40:48.3] LF: Yeah. This is from our chapter on communication. The idea here is that we often react to one another based on these assumptions that we never bother to look at more carefully. This is so crucial. It's really important to explore your assumptions and create a space with someone else, where they can give you their perspective, because the words we say are not always what we mean. It's just so rife for miscommunication. Not to mention, I think we have a whole section in the chapter on communication about digital communication, because when you just have text and there's nonverbal gestures, you don't have the tone of someone’s voice, I think then it's just even harder to really understand what someone's words mean.

Just to give a quick example of what we really mean by your feelings aren't facts, I had a colleague. When he first started, I realized that any time I would ask him a question, he would start speaking extremely slowly and enunciate every word. I took that as this guy thinks that I'm a complete moron. I remember being so irritated every time that he would slowly answer one of my questions.

A few weeks later, we all were going out to dinner the team and he and I were getting along really well. I just brought it up in a very not aggressive way. I was just like, “Hey, do you realize that when I ask you a question, you start speaking really slowly?” He was like, “Yes. I am aware of that. It's just because I want to be really sure that I don't sound dumb in front of you.” That's so different than my perception. It's actually the complete opposite.

[0:42:29.2] MB: Wow. Yeah, that's crazy.

[0:42:31.0] LF: Yeah. I just been sitting there for weeks doing on this. When in fact, I should have just been like, I wasn't creating psychological say for him. I think it's just a wonderful example of what we say in the book is really to talk about your emotions without getting emotional. The formula, so for people who just want to have a sentence that they can say in a situation like that is a great one is when you do X, I feel Y.

What's wonderful about this is that it's simply about starting a conversation by saying that you are not creating a perpetrator and a victim, it's just saying, “Here's what's happening. Can we explore this together?” I think anytime that you're in conflict with someone, it's great – first of all, I would say first biggest thing which we talked about now in decision-making and we've talked about in conflict is just calm down. Some piece of advice that we have is don't just do something, stand there.

I think a consistent theme throughout the book is if you feel yourself having a very emotional response to something, it's totally fine and usually the best thing to just take a moment. Maybe take 15 minutes, go for a walk around the block, because once that spike has gone down a little, you'll also be able to just approach the problem and find a solution much faster. We say in the book if you have an issue with someone, the three steps to take are the first is just to label your feelings. You would say – in this case, I might say with this guy, “I'm frustrated.” Or maybe even like, “I'm hurt, because I think he thinks I'm not as smart as he is.”

The second is really understand where those feelings are coming from. Then the third is feel calm enough to have a conversation about your emotions again, without getting emotional. I think those three steps combined with a sentence of when you X, I feel Y are really crucial to starting a path of exploration with someone else, so that you can get the full picture of what's going on and make sure that you're not just sitting there having a strong emotional reaction based on something that's completely inaccurate.

[0:44:46.5] MB: There was another great illustration in the book that had – I don't remember if it’s in this chapter now, but had – it was waves of anger and it was when the event happens and then later on and then it was when you should talk about it and it was – that was when it was completely – the anger level is completely gone basically.

[0:45:04.7] LF: Yeah. Yeah. We are just very against – there's this cliché or traditional advice that says never go to bed angry. I think Mollie and I both are always like, “Go to bed angry. It's totally fine. You'll probably wake up, you'll probably have a clearer vision for what you want to say and you're probably also less likely in that moment to say something that you really deeply regret later.”

[0:45:28.0] MB: You touched on this, but I'd love to briefly dig into some best practices for digital communication and even something that's increasingly prevalent, remote working and how all this applies to that as well.

[0:45:43.3] MWD: For digital communication, you have a couple of suggestions. The first being that when you're first getting to know someone, you should always default to richer communication channels; ideally in-person. If not, if you’re remote, default to video is really important. The research shows that there's so many emotional cues that come from body language and facial expressions that we miss when we can't see the person. Starting with that.

I think the other reason that's really important is that when we're texting or e-mailing, especially with people we don't know well, or especially with people who are more senior than us like our bosses, that we are much more likely to interpret ambiguity as negative. If you get an e-mail that has no emotion in it that's like, “Can we chat in an hour?” From your boss, you are immediately going to assume that something bad is going to happen. If he you didn't say good or bad. I mean, it's just a check-in, but without a smiley face or it's no big deal, or if you saw her in person, a smile, you are going to assume that is negative and that's just something that we do as humans. That's the first thing.

The second thing is when you are writing e-mails of stocks, or texts, or whatever to do what we call as an emotional proofread of the message. there's a great example of the chief talent officer at [inaudible 0:47:12.2] Group, he does this thing where he asks his employees to raise their hand if they have ever successfully defused an emotional issue via e-mail. No one raises their hand. Then he says, “Have you ever inflamed an issue via e-mail?” Everyone put their hand up.

It's just we can so easily get ourselves into trouble. Four minutes in, reread to make sure your message is clear and you are conveying the intended tone. Some people even send an e-mail to themselves, so that they can see what it feels like to have that appear in their inbox and make sure that the emotion is clear.

Related to that, use emojis. You don't want to use a ton of emojis, especially if you don't know the other person well, because that can undermine your professionalism, but when you know them somewhat, emojis really can help express tone and send emotional cues. That's super important. Another thing is to realize that typos send a message. Really interesting study was done by this researcher Andrew Brodsky. He says that typos are emotional amplifiers. If you send an e-mail that is already a little bit critical or angry and there are typos in it that is going to amplify that message. The receiver is going to imagine that you were hammering out an e-mail in a blind rage. Be like, “This person is really angry.” The same thing if it's positive, but obviously that's not quite an issue. Just making sure that your typos aren't amplifying an emotion that you already are sending.

Then lastly, don't use e-mail when you need a yes. Research shows that an in-person request is more than 30 times as successful as an e-mailed one. For some reason when we get an e-mail request, we see it as non-urgent, or especially if you don't know the person who see it, then must like a little bit untrustworthy. If you do have to do e-mail negotiation, it does help to schmooze with the person beforehand, before you send the e-mail. Let me pause there. That was a lot for digital communication.

[0:49:27.7] MB: Yeah, that was great. One of my favorite stats from the whole book was that stat around you're 30 times more likely to get a yes if you use in-person as opposed to e-mail. I thought I was fascinating.

[0:49:39.0] MWD: Yeah, absolutely. Then you asked about remote workers, which is something that is increasingly common. Liz actually does a little bit more remote work than I do, so she can feel free to jump in here. I think one thing as I mentioned, super important, thinking about defaulting to video. This matters even more with remote.

Trello which is a project management software company, even if just one person is remote, everyone on that team gets on a video call. Super important, because the person who's remote is going to have a tendency to not feel included if they're calling into this whole conference room of people who are chatting, and so it's much easier if everyone gets on their computers and does the video together. Liz and I – happened to us. I'm in New York and our editor is in New York, but she lives at Berkeley and we had our first meeting with her, I was there in person and she was calling in. We had this disaster of a meeting where Liz couldn't get into the conference line and then halfway through somehow she cut out. She had been saying all this stuff, but we couldn't hear her, so we were just talking over her. She tried to call my cell, but I had no service. We just kept on chatting and she just felt terrible and let her jump in and say how she felt. We then decided to default to video after that.

[0:51:03.9] LF: Yeah, I think that's just a great example of just the importance of again like Mollie was saying, richer communication. If I had been on video during that, I think they would have seen me talking, or just getting really frustrated, or the screen would have gone blank and they would have been immediately known that something was wrong. I’ll make one other point about remote work, because as Mollie mentioned, I have worked remotely for a few years and I think the biggest thing is just realizing that it's as important to positively reinforce remote workers, to make them feel they're part of the organization as it is to do that for the people that you're in person with.

It is a little harder to do that for remote workers. I think it's so easy if you're never on a video conference with someone, if you're never asking them a little bit about their personal lives, it's really easy to just start to see them as this really – this name that keeps popping up in your inbox and just this robot coming out of nowhere that keeps e-mailing me. Just what some companies whose workers are all remote do is they have a Slack channel where people can just as they see fit, not everyone has to participate, but they can share pictures of their personal lives, give each other updates.

Some companies also have pair calls, which is remote workers can opt into this pair call program. Every two weeks, they're randomly assigned with another remote worker. Then on the calendar as part of work, you have an hour to talk about that person, or talk with that person, but you can't talk about work. It's a really lovely way of just getting to know someone, again seeing them face to face. Back to Mollie’s points about digital communication, once you have established a relationship with someone and you know a little bit more about them, you feel a connection, it's just going to smooth any communication after that so much.

If my mom e-mails me, I have a pretty good sense of what she means, just because I know her so well in person. Versus if someone I've never had a conversation outside of work with e-mails me. I'm much more likely to read into that something that I shouldn't be reading into it.

[0:53:11.1] MB: Great suggestions. That story was really insightful as well. For listeners who want to concretely implement some of the things we've talked about, I know we've gone over a lot of really concrete specific strategies on here, what would be one piece of homework that you would give to them as a starting point or an action item to begin to execute on some of these ideas?

[0:53:33.7] LF: I think a great one is to start by when you're feeling strongly, sitting down and writing down everything you're feeling. A lot of I think what helps you do that is just to expand your emotional vocabulary. In the book, we talked about this concept called emotional granularity, which is when you're able to very finely pinpoint what you're feeling. Instead of saying, “I feel bad,” you're able to say, “I feel frustrated, or I feel a lack of caffeine.”

Again, research shows that when we're able to accurately describe what we're feeling, it's much easier for us to regulate those feelings. Again, that's correlated with happiness, well-being. I think really taking the time to reflect, think about what you're feeling and then something that's so important and I think like an absolute next step is to identify the need behind those feelings.

An example, a few years ago I was leading a design project. A few days ahead of a deadline, I found myself just getting so irritated with everyone. I went for a walk around the block and I was able to say, “Okay, I'm very irritable.” then what I realized was driving that was just anxiety around meeting the deadline. The need behind both of those feelings was that I just needed to know that we were going to hit the deadline. That probably involved cutting some stuff out of the project, but I was able to go back to the team and say, “What's everyone working on? What are the non-essential things we can cut, so that we make sure that the thing we really need to deliver we’re able to deliver it on time and in with high-quality bar?” Once we'd had that conversation and I felt assured, I was no longer irritable.

I think it's so important for people, identify what you're feeling, identify where that feeling is coming from and that allows you then to address the need. I think it's also great in organizations, a lot of people work in companies where you probably can't just walk into the office and be like, “I have all these feelings and I want to talk about them with everyone.” If you're able to identify the need behind your feelings, it also allows you to discuss your emotions at the workplace without necessarily having to say like, “I'm feeling these emotions.”

Again, when I was able to say, “I would just like to know that we're all on the same page, that we're going to be able to hit this deadline,” I was talking about my feelings, but it was still presented in a way that fit the emotional norms of that organization.

[0:55:58.8] MB: That's such a powerful idea, that finding the need behind the emotions. I really love that suggestion.

[0:56:05.9] LF: Yeah. I think there's a lot of dealing with emotion, but sometimes the best way especially when it comes to stress, to deal with stress is just to figure out what's stressing me out and if I can do something about it, I should just do that. Then it's remarkable how quickly that alleviate stress.

[0:56:20.2] MB: For listeners who want to find both of you and your work online, what are the best places for them to do that?

[0:56:26.4] MWD: We have a website, it is lizandmollie.com. On that, we have actually a whole tab of resources. We have some practical guides, we have e-cards which have Liz's amazing illustrations and we have some great assessments. That was going to be my recommendation is to take – we have an assessment called how do you express your emotion? You can go on and see if you are an under-emoter, even-emoter or over-emoter. I think that's really helpful. I'm an under-emoter, which means that I don't always share all of my emotions. I have been challenging myself in the last couple of months to get a little bit more vulnerable, especially as a leader of a team sharing more of my emotions. We give tips for all of those in the assessments.

You can also follow us on Instagram. We’re @LizAndMollie there. Liz is posting amazing illustrations, super fun. Also on Twitter @LizAndMollie there.

[0:57:25.6] MB: Well Liz, Mollie. Thank you so much for coming on the show for sharing all this knowledge, some incredible insights, some great practical, tactical strategies. It's been a pleasure to have both of you on here.

[0:57:37.2] LF: Yeah, thank you so much. This was a great conversation. Thanks for having us.

[0:57:40.9] MWD: Yes. Thank you so much, Matt. Really great.

[0:57:43.5] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners, master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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April 11, 2019 /Lace Gilger
Emotional Intelligence
Dr. Mark Epstein-01.png

Reveal How You Can Banish Stress & Anxiety With Science & Ancient Wisdom with Dr. Mark Epstein

April 04, 2019 by Lace Gilger in Emotional Intelligence, Health & Wellness

In this episode we share how to “get over yourself” and stop taking things so seriously, we discuss the important relationship between confusion and clarity, and we explore the art of letting go of the need for safety, security and control in your everyday life so that you can relax into who you’ve always been with our guest Dr. Mark Epstein. 

Dr. Mark Epstein is a psychiatrist in private practice in New York City and the author of a number of books about the interface of Buddhism and psychotherapy, including his most recent books The Trauma of Everyday Life and Advice Not Given: A Guide to Getting Over Yourself. He is currently Clinical Assistant Professor in the Postdoctoral Program in Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis at New York University and his work has been featured in Psychology Today, The New York TImes, and more!

  • How do we move from addiction/anxiety/depression/worry to love/relief/understanding?

  • Being in a place of addiction, anxiety, and worry is the day to day experience for most people 

  • What’s the prescription for solving anxiety and worry?

  • The prescriptions from the ancient texts of Buddhism are still highly relevant in solving many of today’s problems with the human condition 

  • “Training your mind” 

  • Realizing that the mind is trainable is the beginning of your journey towards relief and understanding 

  • You are not just a victim of your thoughts 

  • The untrained mind is a wild thing - one of the challenges of adulthood is to get a handle on your own mind

  • Get a handle on your own addictions, cravings, and tendencies towards violence 

  • Inner peace is not just about calming or centering yourself

  • How do we start to be honest with ourselves and confront our own mental addictions and negative thoughts?

  • Anything that promotes self reflection is the way to begin confronting your thoughts

  • You don’t have to overcome your fears - you just have to be willing to examine them 

  • The hardest thing is often just being willing to take the first step 

  • You can’t force someone into meditation - someone has to reach a critical point of personal suffering and to make their own decision

  • How his father’s battle with brain cancer transformed Dr. Epstein’s relationship with helping others

  • How do you handle your own mind when facing death or dying?

  • How do you look for the “feeling of being yourself”

  • What does it mean to “relax into who you’ve always been?"

  • “The craft of meditation” - the practice and technique of what to do and how to meditate - is only one part of the puzzle 

  • The “art of meditation” - beyond just the physical technique - is a rich field of exploration 

  • Ancient buddhist texts offer some deep insights into modern psychotherapy - but the language of ancient buddhism is couched in the understand of thousands of years ago and needs some interpretation

  • Why people “expect too much from meditation” and what that means 

  • Meditation is a much more subtle than people think

  • Meditation is ultimately something that you have to teach yourself

  • In the west especially - we want the science to “do it for us” - but we have to do it ourselves 

  • There’s an important relationship between confusion and clarity 

  • The clarity that one seeks only comes from sitting and staring at your confusion 

  • The fundamental power of meditation and mindfulness comes from really staring and facing the difficult 

  • Swim in the sea of confusion and learn to float with it 

  • Creating a "therapeutic split in the ego"

  • It’s possible to be both the observer and that which is being observed in your own stream of consciousness 

  • What is the Ego?

  • “The ego doesn’t really exist” - the ego has to meditate between inner impulses and outer requirements 

  • The ego cognitively develops around the age of 3 or 4 when the child first realizes that he or she is a separate person and has to think about their own actions

  • The ego - as we think about it in western society is all about self preservation and self control - it’s looking for safety, security, and control 

  • How do you “get over yourself” and stop taking yourself so seriously

  • You are not an isolated entity in isolation and competition with the rest of humanity. You are an integral part of the world as a whole.

  • We can’t jump right into enlightenment - its about the JOURNEY and the everyday work, practice, and moments of honest reckoning with ourselves  

  • How to create humility and graciousness in your life 

  • Homework: Read a book, or go to an art museum. Go outside, close the door, stand there and listen. Trust yourself. 

  • People can find their own way, there are so many paths out there. 

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Want To Dig In More?! - Here’s The Show Notes, Links, & Research

General

  • Mark’s Website

  • Mark’s Facebook

  • Mark’s Wiki Page

Media

  • Article directory for Big Think

  • [Article] New York Times - “When a Therapist Puts Buddhism Into Practice” by John Williams

  • [Article] Psychology Today - “Buddhism and Psychotherapy: An interview with Dr. Mark Epstein” by Jonathan Kaplan

  • [Article] Heal Your Life - “What Is Real Mindfulness?” by Dr. Mark Epstein

  • [Podcast] Big Think - Mark Epstein, MD – I, Me, Mine – Think Again - a Big Think Podcast #130

  • [Podcast] 10% Happier with Dan Harris - #22: Dr. Mark Epstein

  • [Podcast] ShrinkRapRadio - #252 – A Buddhist Perspective on Psychotherapy with Mark Epstein, MD

  • [Podcast] Lifehacker - How to Get Over Yourself, With Buddhist Psychiatrist Mark Epstein

  • [Podcast] Metta Hour - Ep. 56: Real Love Series with Dr. Mark Epstein

Videos

  • Family Action Network - Mark Epstein, MD - "Advice Not Given: A Guide to Getting Over Yourself" (01/22/18)

  • WGBH Forum - Mark Epstein: The Trauma of Everyday Life

  • Rubin Museum - Psychic Medium Laura Lynne Jackson + Dr. Mark Epstein

  • Tibet House US - What is Special About Buddhism? Buddhism Explained : Mark Epstein M.D.

    • Can You Observe Your Own Mind? Questioning Distracting Thoughts : Mark Epstein M.D.

  • Humanistic Psychology Lecture Series - The Interface of Psychology and Buddhism

  • PBS - The Buddha | Interview with David Grubin, Mark Epstein, M.D., & Metteyya Sakyaputta

Books

  • [Amazon Author Page] Mark Epstein

  • [Book] Advice Not Given: A Guide to Getting Over Yourself  By Mark Epstein

  • [Book] Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart: A Buddhist Perspective on Wholeness  By Mark Epstein

  • [Book] The Trauma of Everyday Life  by Mark Epstein

  • [Book] Thoughts Without A Thinker: Psychotherapy from a Buddhist Perspective  by Mark Epstein

  • [Book] Open to Desire: The Truth About What the Buddha Taught  by Mark Epstein

  • [Book] Going on Being: Life at the Crossroads of Buddhism and Psychotherapy  by Mark Epstein

  • [Book] Psychotherapy without the Self: A Buddhist Perspective  by Mark Epstein

  • [Book] Open to Desire: Embracing a Lust for Life Insights from Buddhism and Psychotherapy  by Mark Epstein

  • [Book] Fast Track to A 5 Preparing for the AP United States History Examination by Mark Epstein

Misc

  • [Wiki Article] Alan Watts

  • [Website] Alan Watts

  • [SoS Episode] Embracing Discomfort

  • [SoS Episode] Your Secret Weapon to Becoming Fearless with Jia Jiang

  • [SoS Episode] How To Demolish What’s Holding You Back & Leave Your Comfort Zone with Andy Molinsky

  • [SoS Episode] The Skeptics Guide To Meditation With Dan Harris

  • [SoS Episode] Unleash The Power of Meditation

  • [SoS Episode] The Simple 20 Minute Exercise That Rewires Your Brain For Happiness with Dr. Dan Siegel

Episode Transcript

[00:00:04.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[0:00:11.8] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success; the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than three million downloads and listeners in over a hundred countries.

In this episode, we share how to get over yourself and stop taking things so seriously. We discuss the important relationship between confusion and clarity and we explore the art of letting go of the need for safety, security and control in your everyday life, so that you can relax into who you’ve always been with our guest, Dr. Mark Epstein.

I’m going to tell you why you’ve been missing out on some incredibly cool stuff if you haven’t signed up for our e-mail list yet. All you have to do to sign up is to go to successpodcast.com and sign up right on the home page.

On top of tons subscriber-only content, exclusive access and live Q&As with previous guests, monthly giveaways and much more, I also created an epic free video course just for you. It's called How to Create Time for What Matters Most Even When You're Really Busy. E-mail subscribers have been raving about this guide.

You can get all of that and much more by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the home page, or by texting the word smarter to the number 44-222 on your phone. If you like what I do on Science of Success, my e-mail list is the number one way to engage with me and go deeper on what I discuss on the show, including free guides, actionable takeaways, exclusive content and much, much more.

Sign up for my e-mail list today by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the home page, or if you're on the go, if you're on your phone right now, it's even easier. Just text the word “smarter”, that's S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44-222. I can't wait to show you all the exciting things you'll get when you sign up and join the e-mail list.

In our previous episode, we discussed how to boost your energy, focus and happiness in five minutes or less using a dead-simple strategy that anyone can apply right away. We explored the power of self-knowledge and why it's one of the cornerstones of success in any area of life. We uncovered several powerfully uncomfortable questions that you can ask yourself to be happier, healthier and more productive with our previous guest, Gretchen Rubin. If you want to find a near-instant hack for getting focus and energy, listen to our previous episode.

Now for our interview with Mark.

[0:03:03.0] MB: Today, we have another exciting guest on the show, Dr. Mark Epstein. Mark is a psychiatrist in private practice in New York City and the author of a number of books about the interface of Buddhism and psychotherapy, including his most recent books The Trauma of Everyday Life and Advice Not Given: A Guide to Getting Over Yourself.

He is currently a clinical assistant professor in the post-doctoral program in psychotherapy and psychoanalysis at NYU and his works have been featured in Psychology Today, the New York Times and much more. Mark, welcome to the Science of Success.

[0:03:35.7] ME: Hey, thank you Matt. I'm glad to be here.

[0:03:37.9] MB: Well, we're very excited to have you on the show today. To start out, I'd love to come in at a high-level and look at this fundamental theme that you've written and spoken about, how do we think about and this is going to unpack a lot of things, I know this is a big question, but how did we think about moving from this state that we’re in so frequently today of addiction, anxiety, stress, etc., to a place of as you call love, relief and understanding?

[0:04:07.2] ME: Well, I don't think we are just in that place today. Although, this is a heightened moment where everyone is very conscious of their anxiety and addiction and depression and worry. I think that's actually a place that people have been in for generations, millennia, going all the way back to the time of the Buddha and before. That was something that initially attracted me to the psychology of Buddhism when I was just a student in college before I really knew very much about anything.

I read the Buddha's words in an early religion class I was taking, where he was talking about the day-to-day mind of an average person as flapping like a fish on dry ground, trembling all the time. I immediately related and wanted to know what the prescription was in ancient times for that anxiety. I found that that prescription was still relevant for me 40, 50 years ago and now for many of my patients, that the world that we're in is always a difficult place. It's always changing. Our egos want certainty.

That's rare that we can find it. We tend to fasten on to our pleasures and try to make them last longer than they can and then box ourselves in to a feeling of deprivation, or inadequacy. The Buddhist prescription for training one's own mind is something that I took to heart and have tried to use to the best of my ability in my personal life and in my profession as a therapist.

[0:05:57.0] MB: Is training your mind one of the cornerstone pieces of beginning that journey from a place of anxiety and worry, to a place of relief and understanding?

[0:06:07.5] ME: Well, I think realizing that the mind is trainable is the beginning, even before you actually try to do it. For me, at least it was a revelation that I wasn't just a victim of my thoughts, but that it was possible actually to exert some control over the way I related to my experience, the way I related to the world and the way I related also to the stories that I was telling myself about myself.

[0:06:36.2] MB: Tell me more about this idea that the mind is trainable.

[0:06:39.6] ME: Well, that's the basic idea of all the eastern approaches to yoga and meditation. Yoga really means yoking; the way you would yoke an animal. The idea is that the untrained mind is a wild thing. One of the challenges of development of adulthood, of maturity is to get a handle on one's own mind, which means getting a handle on one's own addictions, on one's own cravings and also on one's own tendency toward violence.

The Dalai Lama always talks about inner peace. When I first heard him talking about inner peace, I thought he was talking about the relaxation response, or just calming oneself. I've come to realize that the inner peace actually means non-violence. The way to find that peace of mind is to actually be willing to confront one's own tendency toward violence, or hostility, aggression, anger, rage, etc. It means being honest with oneself and in that honesty, one can learn how to bring oneself under some modicum of control.

[0:07:53.7] MB: How do we start to be honest with ourselves and to confront our own thoughts, our own addictions, our own mental cravings?

[0:08:01.7] ME: Well, there are any number of ways. I mean, in the west we have the tradition of psychotherapy, which hasn't yet gone completely away. As far as addiction goes, the 12-step approach to admitting that one is helpless over one's own cravings is very close to what the eastern approach to meditation is. Now even in our world, we have all the eastern techniques of yoga and meditation. All of those and we could include Christian, Jewish prayer, etc., or atheistic walks in the countryside, anything that promotes self-reflection is really the way in.

Then once you are able to honestly be with the contents of one's own emotional experience, then that's the beginning. That's the beginning of taking stock of where one is at. Once one's willing to do that, then you can start to apply some of the techniques.

[0:09:09.7] MB: It's funny, this idea of self-reflection, self-awareness is such a prominent theme across people we interview from a huge array of backgrounds and disciplines.

[0:09:21.3] ME: Oh, well it's definitely the happening thing.

[0:09:23.8] MB: How do you begin to for someone who's not familiar with this who hasn't started on this journey yet, or even for someone who's just beginning their journey, how do we start to create that self-reflection in our lives? How do we overcome the inertia around, or the fear around really looking and peering at our own thinking?

[0:09:42.1] ME: Well, I don't think you have to overcome the fear. You just have to be willing to examine it, and the same with inertia. I mean, many people are interested in meditation for instance, or even in psychotherapy. The hardest thing is just taking that first step, being willing to sit down on the meditation cushion, being willing to make the appointment and come in and talk to a therapist honestly. To think that you have to wait until you have no fear, or until there's no tendency towards inertia is I think a misplaced idea. The whole idea is to be able to look at all the obstacles, all the defenses and to turn those into a grist for the meditation mill, or the therapy mill for that matter.

[0:10:33.0] MB: I think that's a really important point, this idea that we often make it too difficult for ourselves, or think that it has to be perfect before we take the first step and begin practicing, but the reality is the sooner you get started, the sooner you take that first step as you said, the better it is. You have to begin that journey somewhere.

[0:10:51.7] ME: I think you have to be ready. If you try to force somebody into therapy, or try to force somebody to meditate, that doesn't work. The defense is just we are up and there they're too strong. I think people know when they reach a critical point of personal suffering. That's different for different people comes at different times. If it’s happening to you, you know it. Then it's really worth taking the step, because there is help available and many qualified, really motivated people who are wanting to help.

[0:11:27.6] MB: You touched on that and in many ways and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that shaped the story or the narrative around Advice Not Given is this idea that how did you handle that balance of trying to help people understand this with the fact that maybe it wasn't something that they had asked for originally?

[0:11:43.2] ME: Well, that latest book that you're referring to Advice Not Given, one of the things that happened that led to me writing that book was that my father who was a fairly well-known academic physician, a scientist and he was actually chairman of the Department of Medicine at one of the Harvard hospitals, he came down with a inoperable brain tumor; that was in the silent part of his brain. Cognitively, he was fine and he was still working, but he got lost one day driving home the same 15-minute drive that he'd taken for 30 years and they realized there was this thing growing in the non-dominant side of his brain.

By the time they discovered it, it was too late to do anything from the medical side. He knew that he didn't have that long to live and I knew that too. My father while very supportive of my writing and so on was definitely not interested in any of the Buddhist side of things, or the meditation. It was not scientific enough for him. We hardly ever talked about it. He would ask about my books, or about my practice, but we never got into the substance of it.

When the diagnosis was clear, I was sitting in my own office and I realized I've never talked to my father about any of this. In the Buddhist world, there's actually a lot of advice about how to handle one's own mind when facing death and in fact, what to do with one's mind when actually dying. I realized, I have all this advice I haven't been giving even to my own father.

I with some trepidation called him on the telephone from my office and said something to him like, I don't know if you want to know about any of this, but there actually is all this information that may or may not be true, but it's supposed to be helpful. He was very nice. He’s like, “Oh, sure. Go ahead. Tell me whatever you want.” I said something to him about how there's a feeling a subjective feeling inside that really doesn't change very much from when you're 20-years-old, or 40, or 60, or even 80, he was 84, where inside you feel much the same to yourself as you always have.

If you try to find that feeling, to really look for it, it disappears on you. It's a transparent feeling. I said what the Buddhists seem to say is that if you learn to relax your mind into that transparent feeling, you can ride that feeling out as the body falls apart and that feeling of relaxing into who you've always been is something analogous to what you learn in meditation. He was like, “Okay darling, I'll try.” That was the last conversation that I had with him. I felt he really heard me and at least, I was able to get that much out.

That actually was one of the big motivations for the book, or for the title of the book, because I realized that even with my psychotherapy patients, I was always very careful not to try to lay a Buddhist trip on them if they weren't ready to hear the spiritual language that I wanted to function, the way western therapists function, which is to try to stay out of the way as much as possible in order to let people's real reasons for coming to therapy rise to the surface. Then try to help them as much as I could. I wasn't overtly giving meditation instruction or anything. Then I thought, “Oh, well. Maybe it's time after 40 years of doing this, to be a little more explicit the way I was with my dad for people.” I tried to put a lot of that into the book.

[0:15:45.7] MB: I want to get into more concretely the relationship between Buddhism and your psychotherapy practice. Before we do, tell me about – explain and go a little bit deeper into this idea of relaxing into who you've always been. I find that to be really fascinating.

[0:16:01.1] ME: Well, there are different ways to talk about what we do in meditation. The most common way that I've found is from the outside in, where the technique, or the strategy, or what I sometimes call the craft of meditation is handed down almost in a behavioral way, or in a cognitive therapy way, like focus your mind on the sensation of the breath as it enters and leaves the nostrils. When your mind wanders from the direct physical sensation of the breath and you notice that your mind has wandered, bring it back the way you might teach a young child to gently, but firmly direct the attention back to the sensation of the breath.

If thoughts come, note that the mind is thinking but try not to get caught in the content of the thoughts. Try to watch the thought as it rises and falls, as it appears and then disappears; the same with feelings, with emotions, with memories, with sounds and disturbances from the outside. Those are the formal instructions, the technique that one learns if one goes to a meditation class, or a meditation teacher.

I've been increasingly interested in trying to talk about more the art of meditation, rather than the craft what we're really doing when we meditate. That's where I think my own personal experience both as a meditator and as a therapist and as a person in therapy has come into play, because whenever you're sitting alone with your own thoughts and feelings you're actually processing a lot of what we and our culture have come to think about as our personality, going all the way back to who we were when we were a child.

There's a lot of psychological, a lot of emotional material that the ancient Buddhist texts didn't really have the language for. There was no Freud in the time of the Buddha. People didn't pay attention to their childhoods, or to their dreams, or to their relationships in the same way that we do now. All of that material; early traumas, early difficulties in our family life, in school, in our love relationships, all of that stuff is actually filtering through our minds also as we try to meditate. We need to have a way of relating to all of that material too.

I'm thinking of that approach more as the art of meditation. That's what I was also trying to convey to my father, that about behind all of that is this subjective feeling of who we are, who we used to be, who we might be, who we don't quite understand, what we don't quite understand, more the mystery of what it is to be a person with a mind and a body. We tap into that in meditation, as well as all of the psychological stuff that I was mentioning before.

[0:19:16.7] MB: You once said that people expect too much of meditation. What did you mean by that?

[0:19:20.8] ME: Well, a lot of people these days come to meditation hoping for something similar to what they might expect from Prozac, if they're anxious or depressed, that it's going to be the pill, the thing that is going to make them happy. I think that it doesn't really work like that. To hope for too much from meditation is to just get disappointed. It's a much more subtle intervention, even than Prozac. Prozac doesn't always work either.

[0:19:52.7] MB: Tell me more about the art side of meditation. I understand and we've done a number of episodes in the past in the show about this craft and the physical technique and practice of it, but I want to understand more deeply this side around the art of it as you called it.

[0:20:08.3] ME: Well, I think meditation ultimately is something that you have to teach yourself. The Buddha at the time of his death, his last words to his faithful student and attendant Anand were, “Be an island to yourself. Take refuge in yourself.” You can learn the technique, you can learn the craft of meditation, but a lot of us – I don't know if this is only in the west, or if this is more long-standing, but a lot of us want the experts to in some sense do it for us. We want the scientist to lay out what neural pathways meditation is working on and what neurotransmitters are being stimulated by the practice.

It's easier to focus on that than it is to really wrestle with the depth of one's own confusion. That's where the art of meditation law is being willing to be honest in an ongoing way with what one's deepest inner struggles actually are. To find that place of balance inside of oneself, where one can sit as if under a giant tree with all the successes and failures and praise and criticism and pleasure and pain that life throws at us. That's really the art of meditation, being willing to be with all of that with some equanimity.

[0:21:49.0] MB: I think you make another really good point, which is this idea that we have to put in the work and sit in our own confusion and really work through these things, that it's not a quick fix like taking a pill, but it's still something that's really richly rewarding at the end of the day.

[0:22:03.8] ME: Well, there's some important relationship between confusion and clarity, just as there is between anger and love. I think what we've learned from therapy is that it's so much harder to love if you haven't faced the anger that you're actually harboring, even for the person who you need the most. I think it's similar with confusion and clarity that the clarity that one seeks from meditation really emerges out of being willing to sit in the midst of one's own confusion. It's only by staring it in the face, the Zen meditators stare at the wall, they sit and stare at the wall for however long they can stand it. I think that's some metaphor for sitting and staring at your own confusion.

The very word that the Buddha used when he gave his first psychological teachings of the Four Noble Truths, he said, “The first noble truth is the truth of dukkha,” which is generally translated as suffering. The actual word dukkha, kha means face and du is something like it's difficult. The word actually means it's difficult to face. There's something in our experience, something that permeates life that's difficult to face, the same way the wall is difficult to face where does in meditators.

What is that that's difficult to face? It's ourselves, it's the way we fight with experience, it's our own anxiety, our fears, our confusion, our inertia as you mentioned before. There's an awful lot in any given individual’s experience that's difficult to face. The Buddha was saying meditation is a way of actually doing this. If you face what's difficult to face, you start to find that it becomes more workable. It's not an immediate transition to happiness, but it becomes more workable. It's a therapy in its own right. The mind itself becomes more workable. It becomes less rigid, more pliant, more open, more accepting. I think eventually more able to love.

[0:24:18.5] MB: This theme of this ideas as you call it facing the difficult, we've had a number of previous episodes where we talk about the idea of embracing discomfort. Whether you're talking to literally in the case of some of the people we've interview in the past in the show, astronauts to perform, and psychologists at the highest possible level, to neuroscientists, this idea of embracing discomfort is another theme that's really recurrent across a huge number of fields. Again, I feel today so many people shy away from discomfort, or move away from it, or flinch and try to run the other way when they encounter things that are uncomfortable.

[0:24:53.8] ME: Well, that's very natural. Of course, you turn away from whatever is uncomfortable. I think to phrase it to strongly as embracing discomfort is maybe to overdo it in that way that we were talking before about forcing meditation on people might be counterproductive, or going too far towards the discomfort as if it's a good thing.

What the Buddha I think is saying and what a lot of our best psychotherapists are pointing to also is that there isn't just an element of discomfort that is inevitable. If we don't make room for it, I don't know that we have to embrace it, we certainly don't have to like it. If we can't make room for it, then we start erecting these defenses against it that back us into a corner and tend to rigidify our own minds and our own experience such that we become slightly paranoid and afraid, because there's always more discomfort to come. The Buddha is suggesting there's a way of swimming in the sea of it, not necessarily enjoying it all the time, but at least learning how to float.

[0:26:17.1] MB: Earlier, you mentioned love. Tell me a little bit about how you think about love and then how it might be different from the western traditional conception of it.

[0:26:25.7] ME: Well, I try not to think about love too much. Allowing love to emerge when it does, not to be scared of love and to realize that that's really what we're here for. It's available everywhere, so even in family life. Then the psychotherapy office and that were – and people you only know a little bit, we're all wired for it. Not closing ourselves off to it when it wants to reveal itself.

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[0:28:56.0] MB: I want to zoom out and come back to something we touched on earlier, as a psychotherapist how did you begin to integrate, or think about Buddhism as a tool, or as a resource?

[0:29:08.4] ME: Well, I actually came to the Buddhism first. I was in an unusual position in our culture. I think I mentioned before, I found Buddhism when I was still in college, before I had taken any courses in psychology, before I read Freud, before I knew I was going to go to medical school to become a therapist. Buddhism somehow found me. I began to meditate. I met now very well-known meditation teachers like Jack Kornfield and Joseph Goldstein and the Dalai Lama. I met them all when I was young and practiced as much meditation as I could, given the confines of still being at college and so on.

It was only after immersing myself as much as I was able in that world that I decided to really studied to become a therapist and psychiatrist to go to medical school, to become a physician and so on. A lot of my training in western psychotherapy I did after learning about Buddhism. I took it in through a Buddhist lens. I was always interested in the beginning in how do these two worlds line up. Are they saying the same thing, or different things?

The Buddhist way of working with the mind didn't seem that different from the western psychoanalytic way of working with the mind. Both involved setting up what the therapist called a therapeutic split in the ego, where you were both the subject and the object of your own experience. You were observing yourselves in this reflective way that we were talking about before. Meditation was much the same.

The best way of learning how to be a therapist is of course to be in therapy. There's a lot of training in how to be a therapist, but that's similar to the training and meditations. You can get the basic instruction from the outside, but you have to figure out how to do it from the inside. I learned how to be a therapist by being a therapist. I learned how to integrate meditation in Buddhism with my therapy by trying to integrate it with my therapy, in working with my patients over many years. I would say I'm still at the beginning of being able to do that, or being able to talk about how I do that. It's been an ongoing effort.

[0:31:37.9] MB: Tell me more about this idea of creating a therapeutic split in the ego.

[0:31:41.5] ME: Well, that's the basis for most of the psychological development that Buddhism and psychoanalysis is both striving for, that we were talking about at the beginning. That it's actually possible and it's a very strange thing. It's actually possible to simultaneously be both the observer and that which is being observed in one's own stream of consciousness. That's a capacity that somehow we as humans have evolved. There's some evidence that some of the other higher primates and other mammals also have that self-reflective capacity, elephant said octopuses. I'm not sure, it's probably some of the baboons and so on seem to also have bits of that ability, but we really have it.

In the Buddhist way of thinking, the human realm that we're all part of is the optimal place for psychological development, because we can either completely surrender to our thoughts, cravings, addictions, feelings and so on, or we can become the observer of them. In becoming the observer of them, we change how we relate to any of them, so that we don't have to be the helpless victim anymore. We can actually interpose space between the impulse and the action. That's a lot of what kids cultivated in both traditions, eastern ways.

[0:33:24.3] MB: What is the ego?

[0:33:26.6] ME: Aha. Well, that's a very good question. The ego doesn't really exist. The ego is a word that we now put on the aspect of our experience that has to mediate between inner impulses and outer requirements of family, school, friends, the world as we experience it from the outside. The ego is something that cognitively develops at around the age of three, or four when the child first realizes that he or she is a separate person and has to be careful about how he, or she acts.

The ego as we think about it in western psychology is that which is all about self-preservation and self-control. The ego is always looking for some safety, some control, some security. If we didn't have the ego, we would be at the mercy of our most primitive impulses the way – I don't know if you've ever been around someone with schizophrenia, but in schizophrenia something happens to the ego and the person is no longer able to regulate themselves. They're no longer able to mediate their most primitive thoughts, which just come pouring out of their mouths in a disjointed fashion.

The ego is a very important aspect of psychological development. From a Buddhist point of view, it tends to be over-developed and boxes us into that corner I was talking about before, where in the attempt to find security and safety and to exert control, it has to make us more rigid than we need to be, because we live in a world where even though we found amazing ability to achieve some security, it's impossible in a complete way.

[0:35:54.0] MB: One of the most interesting things, I really found the subtitle of Advice Not Given to be a little bit provocative even, which is A Guide to Getting Over Yourself. Tell me a little bit about that and how that relates to the ego.

[0:36:07.1] ME: Well, the subtitle came to me later. The book was going to have a different subtitle, which I can't even remember anymore. Suddenly, I realized Advice Not Given, I had the book structured around the Buddha's Eightfold Path, which is his fourth noble truth, which was the Buddhist prescription for how to deal with suffering or trauma. The prescription goes from right thought, right understanding, right speech, right action, right livelihood, to right concentration and right mindfulness.

The central idea in Buddhist psychology is that we all take ourselves too seriously. That in our attempts to optimize our own personal experience, we end up competing against the other billion or so people in the world and we are inevitably going to come out on the short end of the stick. In order to live a better life, we have to come to the understanding that we are not an isolated entity the way we think of ourselves in competition with, or in opposition to the rest of humanity. We are in fact an integral part of the world as a whole. We can't take ourselves out of it the way we imagine we ought to be able to.

That's the thought behind getting over oneself. It's getting over the way we tend to privilege our own position within the recesses of our own minds. In so doing, we experience ourselves as a relational being, not as an isolated entity. That's what it means to get over yourself in my limited view.

[0:37:53.1] MB: It's such an interesting idea and something that I think about a lot, this idea that we can't possibly be separated from everything else. I think originally came to that from reading Alan Watts, was one of my favorite old school thinkers bridging that gap between Buddhist thinking and Eastern thinking and Western thinking.

[0:38:10.8] ME: Yeah. Well, Alan Watts is one of the first great talkers who – translators, who could make all of this really come alive. Most of us do really think of ourselves as separate from the rest of the world and secretly in the privacy of our own minds, we're scheming about how to keep ourselves safe, or garner enough to secure our retirement. That's our most personal thinking.

[0:38:41.1] MB: The interesting thing about this idea of being one with everything is that from a hard science standpoint, if you look at the physics of it, if you look at the biology of it, it’s something that truly scientifically speaking, we really are inseparable from the rest of reality.

[0:38:57.5] ME: Well, the scientists are probing reality non-stop. What they find is that they can't even separate themselves as the prober from the reality that they're probing. That's the great mystery of relativity. The Buddhists were there in a certain way long ago. This idea even of the therapeutic split in the ego that I was trying to tell my father about, even if you relax your mind into that subjective sense of who you always were, you can't totally pull yourselves out of that greater reality that you are part of.

[0:39:36.8] MB: What are some of the other themes, or commonalities that you've uncovered between Buddhism and psychotherapy?

[0:39:46.0] ME: Well, that idea of non-violence that I was talking about earlier is the one I'm thinking about the most now, because I think the western psychoanalytic traditions especially, were the most fearless at confronting the underlying violence that conditions all of our minds. That when you even look at the psychology of very young children, infants with their mothers and so on, you can see that it's a tendency that we all come in with.

In the eastern traditions and in a lot of those in our culture who are drawn to the eastern traditions, there can be a tendency to try to leapfrog over some of the more raw and primitive instinctual, all kinds of impulses that are driving us, as if we could just jump right into the enlightened states that we read about. I don't really think that's possible. That's the spiritual bypassing, that some of the first generations of people to look at the eastern psychology have been prone towards.

I've been much more interested in what happens if we again take that just very honest reckoning with ourselves and allow ourselves to be humbled by what we see; that seems to yield a humility and graciousness that seems to be good for people.

[0:41:27.0] MB: That's a great turn of phrase; we can't jump right into enlightenment. I think it's a really succinct way of describing the importance of this journey, in this everyday practice of moments of honest reckoning with ourselves.

[0:41:39.1] ME: Yes. Well, it's hard to really know what enlightenment means, since most of us myself included, haven't experienced it. People should be aware of the gurus who are presenting themselves as already there, because it's pretty likely that most of them aren't.

[0:41:59.9] MB: For listeners who want to concretely implement some of the ideas that we've talked about today, what would be one piece of homework or an action item that you would give them to begin on their own personal journey?

[0:42:11.7] ME: Oh, I would just say read a book, or go to an art museum. I was teaching once in Oklahoma and this therapist came up to me afterwards and said, “In Oklahoma, we can't even talk about meditation or mindfulness.” When I'm working with a new person I just tell them, “Go outside. Close the door. Stand there and listen.” I think to be too prescriptive for people is to make the wrong move. That's where that Advice Not Given, that's the other sentiment that was going into the title.

People can find their own way. There are so many paths out there and it's so much better when you find your own way, than when you're just swallowing somebody else's pill that they're giving you. Trust yourself.

[0:43:05.0] MB: For listeners who want to find you and your work online, what's the best place for them to do that?

[0:43:10.7] ME: I have a website that lists all my books and has a couple of links to this or that article or interview. They can go there. I also have a Facebook page, that is Mark Epstein, MD., that has a list of upcoming talks, or lectures, or whatever.

[0:43:32.0] MB: Well, we'll make sure to include links to all of those in the show notes at successpodcast.com. Mark, thank you so much for coming on the show for sharing all this wisdom and knowledge.

[0:43:41.8] ME: Thanks a lot Matt. It's been great.

[0:43:43.5] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.

April 04, 2019 /Lace Gilger
Emotional Intelligence, Health & Wellness
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Inside the Mind of a Psychopathic Killer with James Fallon

February 14, 2019 by Lace Gilger in Emotional Intelligence

What happens when a prominent neuroscientist finds out there is something wrong with his own brain? In this episode we explore the shocking discovery that our guest made when he realized, after years of studying the brains of psychopaths, that he had the exact same brain structure. We unwind the twisted narrative and the wild conclusions that come from his riveting discovery - and much more - with our guest Dr. James Fallon. 

Dr. James Fallon is a Professor of Psychiatry and Human Behavior at UC Irvine and internationally renowned neurobiologist. He is the author of the best-seller The Psychopath Inside: A Neuroscientist’s Personal Journey into the Dark Side of The Brain. Fallon has lectured worldwide on neurolaw and the brains of psychopathic killers and dictators. His work has been featured on NPR, CBS, ABC, and numerous science specials.

  • A neuroscientist studying the brains and brain scans of murderers and psychopathic killers discovers something truly shocking

  • Studying and analyzing the brains of killers - Dr. Fallon found a surprising pattern of what the brain of a psychopath looks like

  • From studying the genes of Alzheimers patients - Dr. Fallon started uncovering the genetic links to brain structures of psychopaths and sociopaths 

  • Adult Stem Cells in your brain can be activated to reverse serious brain conditions 

  • Real life Criminal Minds - inside the brain of serial killers and psychopaths 

  • What it’s like to discover that you’re a psychopath 

  • What are epigenetics? Why don’t all genes express themselves? 

  • What’s the “junk DNA” in your cells and what does it do?

  • One of the major things that triggers the expression of certain genes is stress and abuse, especially at a young age (between birth and 3 years old) 

  • Most serial killers were not only psychopaths, but also typically had serious damage to their brains as well 

  • Smart psychopaths are very hard to catch and very hard to spot

  • For an everyday person, how do you determine that someone is a psychopath or has psychopathic tendencies?

  • What are the typical signs of psychopathy / narcissistic personality disorder?

  • The use a lot of personal pronouns, more than an average person talking

    1. Their hands often move up higher and higher above their heads

    2. They will talk very graphically about their own sex life, or their own body, etc 

    3. They are very glib, they are very slick verbally, and know what to say 

    4. They often seem very intelligent 

    5. They are often over confident

    6. They are often very competent and aggressive

    7. They might seem too interested or care too much about you and your emotions

    8. Their conversations always seem like a performance 

  • Some of the most dangerous aspects of psychopathy are pro-social psychopaths who know how to navigate society 

  • Many of the pro-social traits of psychopaths are often overlapping with the major pro-social traits of psychopathy 

  • Psychopaths are always looking for what bothers you emotionally, and then they want to use it against you to manipulate you 

  • What’s the best way to defend yourself from a psychopath manipulating you?

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Want To Dig In More?! - Here’s The Show Notes, Links, & Research

General

James’s UC Faculty Profile

Media

  • [Podcast] Mental Health News Radio - “An Empath Interviews a Psychopath: Dr. James “Jim” Fallon”

  • [Podcast] Hidden Truth Show with Jim Breslo - “VEGAS: "Psychopath Inside" Author Dr. James Fallon on Mind of the Killer; FBI Agent Chris Quick on Status of Investigation”

  • [Podcast] The Moth - Stories by James Fallon

  • [Podcast] NPR - “A Neuroscientist Uncovers A Dark Secret”

  • [Podcast] Jordan Harbinger - 28: James Fallon | How to Spot a Psychopath

  • [Podcast] Snap Judgment - “The Scientist And The Psychopath”

  • [Article] VICE - “Dr. James Fallon Makes Being a Psychopath Look Like Fun”  by Roc Morin

  • [Article] The Guardian - “How I discovered I have the brain of a psychopath” by James Fallon

  • [Article] UCI Dept. of Psychiatry - “Neuroscientist's research delves into the brain's dark side” Kathryn Bold

Videos

  • TED Talk: Exploring the mind of a killer | Jim Fallon

  • Zeitgeist Minds - James Fallon, Neuroscientist - A Scientist's Journey Through Psychopathy

  • Big Think - Discovering One's Hidden Psychopathy. James Fallon

  • The Mind Science Foundation - James Fallon, PhD: The Psychopath Inside

  • Clip from The Brain of a Murderer - Are You Good Or Evil? - Horizon - BBC

  • TheLipTV - Inside the Brain of a Real Psychopath with Dr. James Fallon

  • Clip from The Doctors - The Shocking Results of Studying Serial Killers’ Brains

  • Australia TV - Insight: S2014 Ep16 What Makes a Psychopath

  • Michael Cross - Dr. James Fallon Discusses the Traits of Pro-Social (good) Psychopaths

Books

  • The Psychopath Inside: A Neuroscientist's Personal Journey into the Dark Side of the Brain by James Fallon

  • Virga Tears  by James Fallon

Misc.

  • [Test] Levenson Self-Report Psychopathy Scale, a test of sociopathy

Episode Transcript

[0:02:57.0] MB: Today, we have another exciting guest on the show, Dr. James Fallon. Jim is a professor of psychiatry and human behavior at UC Irvine, an internationally-renowned neurobiologist. He's the author of the bestseller, The Psychopath Inside: A Neuroscientist’s Personal Journey Into the Dark Side of the Brain. He's lectured worldwide on neural law and the brains of psychopathic killers and dictators. His work has been featured in NPR, CBS, ABC and numerous science specials. Jim, welcome to the Science of Success.

[0:03:30.1] JF: Matt, very good to be here. Thanks for the invite, Matt.

[0:03:32.9] MB: Well, we're excited to have you on the show. There's so many interesting things to touch on and discuss. I'd love to open it up with your personal story and your own personal journey; it's so fascinating and I think really lays the groundwork for getting into some of the meat of the lessons you've learned and the work you've done with your research.

[0:03:51.7] JF: Sure. I've always been a hobbit scientist, like a small lab. I pretty much knew I was going to be a scientist when I was seven or eight-years-old. I really did. I met the girl and dated, had a first date with a girl who I ended up – I still live with her. She was 11 and I was 11-years-old and we went to a dance together. I've been set in my life from very early on.

It's been a quite a modest life, I think. I've been a professor ever since I can remember. I went to Saint Michael's College for my BS, Biology and Chemistry. Then I went to Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute and got a degree in psychophysics and psychology, and then to the University of Illinois Medical School for my doctorate. Then out here in to California, UC San Diego in La Jolla for my postdoc, and then started out as a professor in 1975, and I've been here ever since. I'm like a potted plant here.

I've had I think a successful career and a successful happy life and a big family and we have a great time. There's nothing remarkable there at all, except just a regular guy that did okay. Everything went smoothly. Until about well, right around 2005-2006 and then Gandalf showed up at my door.

[0:05:10.6] MB: Tell me more about that.

[0:05:12.2] JF: Well, I had been looking at the brain scans of serial killers, mostly psychopathic murderers, but also impulsive murders since about 1989. I was doing it for X students who are now in psychiatry and radiology. They asked me to look at these PET scans, positron emission, tomography brain scans of guys who were murderers. Now we're in the penalty phase of their trials, so they wanted – they all basically wanted to find – have somebody say, “Hey, the devil made me do it.” There was something organically wrong with their brain and therefore, they shouldn't undergo the death penalty at that time.

I did those every year, one or two a year, and I didn't even notice it was just such a peripheral thing in my research. I read a lot of scans, thousands of scans for all sorts of people with all sorts of diseases, including psychopathy. I did that until around 2005, then I got a whole load of these scans to look at from different research, different psychiatrists and lawyers, attorneys. I told them, “Just send me a bunch of them. Don't tell me who is what. Anybody's a murderer and mix it in with normal people and people with schizophrenia, etc.”

I got these whole pile of about 70 of them to look at. At the end of that analysis, it was 1975, I found that there was a pattern. Nobody had ever really described a pattern before, so I started giving talks and wrote a paper about it in 2001, 5 or 6, at law school about the pattern of what a psychopathic brain looks like.

That was a new thing and it was interesting, because I read patterns. That's what my work is about. At the same time and it's purely coincidentally, we were doing clinical study on the genetics of Alzheimer's disease. We were doing PET scans and EEGs and genetics of people with Alzheimer's, looking for what gene had not been discovered that was interacting with the APOE gene, which was known to be a risk factor.

In the course of that, we were finished with the study, but we needed more normals. We had all the patients we needed. We needed them quickly, so I got my family. This was my first mistake. I got my family, including myself to get the PET scans done and do the genetics and the psychometrics for this Alzheimer study.

Everybody come in that and some flew in from New York and other places and we did the study. At the end of that, I was sitting at my desk looking at – I had all those pile of scans from all these murders, and the technicians came in and said, “We have the PET scans from your family.” I quickly looked at them. I know, I've seen so many that I know if there's something jumps out as a pattern that is abnormal. I went through this pile about eight or nine scans and they all look normals. It was great, because my wife was worried, because her whole family – many of them had died of Alzheimer's. She went along with it all. She said she was quite brave about it. She said, “Okay, I'll do it because it may help our kids and grandkids.”

Any rate, I was looking through and everything was normal, so you're really quite happy about that. Then I got to the last scan and the last scan, I pulled it out and I said – I called in the technicians. I said, “Guys, that's really funny. You took one of those psychopathic murderers and you slipped it into my family scans and haha.” Because you screw around, even in labs, right? Keep it screwing around. You're supposed to tell the joke.

Any rate, they go, “No. No, no. That's one of your family.” I said, “Whoever this is should not be walking around in open society. It's a very dangerous person, probably,” because it looked just like the psychopathic pattern I had seen in these murderers too and other psychopaths. they said, “No, it's really your family.”

I had to break the code by peeling back the cover on the name and then the name was mine. I sat there and just stared at it and got a good chuckle. They were laughing too. I said, “This is good.” I said, “Yeah, this is the joke, right? You got a scientist studying psychopathic killers, he gets a brain scan done and it's him.” Gandalf shows up at the door and it's him.

I mean, I saw that and I just laughed, because I know who I am, right? I'm a pretty regular guy. I still have my teams described, for Christ's sake.

I didn't say anything, except years later and I remembered this a couple years after that, I brought the – I went home that week after I was looking at the scans and I told my wife and I said, “You know, the damnedest thing happened. I got the scans of our family and everybody's including yours is quite normal, which is great.” I said, “But mine look just like the worst psychopath pure pattern I had seen.” She said something that was really odd. She goes, “It doesn't surprise me.”

Now, I know when she screws around, she's messing with me, but she wasn't. She was quite serious. I just let it go and figured what I think any scientist would. Since I'm okay, my theory must be wrong. Well, it turns out my theory is not wrong. This is one case where I wish it was. We were so busy and I had just started – I had raised about seven million dollars for a stem cell company, as we had found that adult stem cells in a animal’s brain or a person's brain are there and can be activated in adulthood. This was not embryonic stem cells; these were the person's own adults stem cells.

I was so busy finishing up the patents and raising money for that. I really didn't care about these scans, about my psychopathic scan. People have a hard time believing, but I really did and I figured, “Well, something's wrong with the scans.” I was just too busy and we were writing up other patents for schizophrenia and Alzheimer's and writing papers. We're very busy at the time with this other important, morally more important work. This tertiary stuff about the psychopathic brain and these killers was really just as really a side tertiary issue.

At any rate, a while later, I got the genetics back and the genetics showed the same thing, that is my family was an average of all the high and low level alleles forms of these genes, like warrior genes. For each complex adaptive behavior, there's about 15 or more genes that regulate it. The chances are, it's like a casino that if you roll the dice of these 15 or 20 genes, the chances are you’re going to get an average number of high-level and low-level acting genes, so you may get some high violence-related genes and low, but most people are in the middle, that's what we call normal.

Some people get none of them and they're very passive people. In the case of mine, I got all of them. I got all these forms of these highly aggressive genes that are called warrior genes and also all the genes associated with low emotional empathy, high cognitive empathy and low emotional empathy and low anxiety. I had these things that are associated with psychopathy. The brain pattern look just like it.

Both mental biological markers, the main biological markers of antisocial personality disorder that is psychopathy, but I was like a regular guy, so it didn't make sense. After this, I was asked to give a TED talk. That was a couple of years after. I the TED talk they said, “Tell us about something that's interesting.” I was going to give them the story of starting a stem cell company, in an area of science that wasn't popular, that is endogenous stem cells. Everybody wanted engineering. Everybody likes to engineer stuff, for cells, embryonic stem cells into becoming brain cells, which is great, but that's not what we were doing.

It sound like, I got the story about how hard it is to buck the system in science and they said, “Do you have anything more personal?” This is my second mistake was that I said, “Well, actually there's this other screwball thing, but I don't know if anybody be interested in it.” I told them the story about the brain scans and me and all this stuff of my family. They go, “That's it.” I said, “Oh, boy.” I ended up giving that TED talk. Then there was a lot of interest in it.

I don't know anything about marketing, but I do know that over – if you have some video with the keywords are psychopathic killer, you'll get 30,000 hits in about an hour. That's what General Electric and the TED people put as keywords. My colleagues were calling me and saying, “You just got 30 and the 40, 50,000 hits,” so quickly got up to a million hits on my TED talk. I guess, I think it was more about the keywords of the views. We have good marketers.

At any rate, I started to get lots of calls from people. I got a call from the showrunner for Criminal Minds that is Simon Mirren. He and another guy were the head showrunners, writers, executive producers of the Criminal Minds. He says, “I know what you're talking about.” He said, “You're not talking about yourself. You're talking about the effect of long-term violence in neighborhoods and in countries.” I said, “Absolutely right.” He got it. I couldn't believe it.

He said, “You got to come up and act in it.” I acted in the 100th – I think it's a 99th episode of Criminal Minds called Outfoxed. He put me in there to just blab away. I'm not an actor, but he goes, “No, no. You'll be fine. Just say your stuff.” We become good friends since then. I worked with him and we try to put shows together, etc. That was an outcome of that.

Then I got approached by three literary agents from New York. I chose one that was the one that had just done Obama's book. Actually, the head editor was smarting a little bit, because that was the book where it said that Obama was born in Kenya. She was very careful about vetting my – in doing research on my book. When I was writing the book that was living in this little 500-year-old chateau. It wasn't a chateau, it was like a block house up in the Alps in the northern Italy that my friend was a psychiatrist, his family has owned forever.

I wrote it there the year afterwards. It wasn't until 2010, I was asked to give a talk, a public talk at the university with the ex-Prime Minister of Norway. I was at the University of Oslo and I gave a public talk with the prime minister. He had just come out and he had admitted that – admitted; he told the country that he as prime minister was just diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Now for a European, especially in northern European, especially a northern European politician to admit that he had some psychiatric disorder, that took a lot of balls. I was quite impressed with that, and so I flew over and gave the talk with him. He gave his personal story and I gave the story of how we diagnose people and how we find out – basically, how we find out what the genes are and what the brain patterns are with all different disorders, including bipolar and depression, also schizophrenia.

I had to use somebody's data to show how we did it. I had to use mine. Ethically, I could only use mine. I showed all my data and all of my behaviors throughout my life. At the end of the talk, a guy stood up and he was the head of the department of psychiatry at the University of Oslo. He goes, “Well, thanks for that talk. That was good.” He says, “I got two things to say. First of all, you're a bipolar yourself. You don't know it. You're just up all the time.”

Matt, you can see how I'm talking here. I'm trying to slow it down, but if the more I talk, I'll become very fast. It's not just because I'm from New York. It's just I'm hypomanic and that's part of the definition of bipolar. The thing is I just don't get down at all, which you don't have to be down in order to have bipolar. I never had heard this before. I'd heard that I was hypomanic from clinicians, but not bipolar. That was interesting.

I said, “Okay.” He said, “The second thing, we want to talk to you afterwards.” After my talk, we met up the president at the University of Oslo's house for reception. At it, the head of the department of psychiatry and other psychiatrists and psychologists I was talking to him and having some wine and everything for a few hours. At the end of that discussion they said, “You probably don't realize this, but you're probably right on the border really being a psychopath.” I said, “What the hell are you talking about?” That was the first time I ever took it seriously. That was the end of 2010.

When I went home, I started to ask people individually, like my wife and then my kids and my brothers and sisters and people really close to me and psychiatrists who knew me well. I said, “What do you really think of me?” I said, “Don't be scared or anything like that. Just tell me the truth.” They all told me the same thing, that I do these psychopathic things. I don't seem dangerous, but I still do things that are psychopathic.

Okay. That was a surprise. That led on to the question of if I had all of these traits, biological determinants of psychopathy, why was I just a regular guy? Because I don't even have an arrest. Well, I’ve been arrested, but I was talking to cops out of it. Growing up and we used to get in all sorts of mischief. They could cart my friends away, but I always have – the cops always thought, “Well, he's just in it for the fun,” which was true. I never really got booked at all ever, but as playful as most guys were, if you will.

At any rate, I really didn't quite understand it. While I was writing that book, the two years later 2012-2013 in Italy, two papers came out to show that the genes that were supposed to be warrior genes, that had to do with the metabolism of serotonin, that if you have them in your abuse early in life between birth and about three-years-old, it's real bad news. People who get that usually turn into psychopaths.

This was a case of epigenetics, that is you have genes, but then they're changed, they're turned on forever, as opposed to just in the context of being turned on. You get me mad, I get mad, but I'm not mad all the time, or I'm not revenged all the time. That made sense. What made more sense is that if you were treated well, it had the opposite effect. These warrior genes became resistance, resilience genes that negated the other tendencies to become a psychopath. Well Ii said, “Well, this is it.”

That it really made me reflect on how I was brought up, which was I was brought up in a great family. All my grandparents and my aunts and uncles were wonderful. I’m just crazy about them and looking at all the pictures and the movies and just the memories, there's all this very positive stuff. Especially my mother and her sisters, they were all educated. They're Sicilians and they're educated, because their father, my grandfather came from Sicily and they’re very poor; at 11-years-old that he lived on the streets of New York. He just had to really make his way there. He's completely uneducated, but he made a vow that if he ever had kids, his daughters would all go to college and they did.

Not only they went to college at a time when women didn't go to college much, but they also went on to graduate school, either nursing or my mother went to business school. Very hit people and very – they’re smart, but they're wise too. My mother knew and she admitted this to me a few years ago. She's 102 now, I couldn’t believe it. She admitted a few years back, she goes that she was quite worried about me. Not the other kids, but about me because I was acting strangely when I was going through puberty; very dark person.

One of the things she did without telling me is she told all my teachers to keep me busy. I ended up playing for intercollegiate sports all through high school and college. They’re violent sports – not violent, high contact sports, wrestling and downhill skiing and football and somethings like that. I was always busy with these sports. If I wasn't in the sports, I was in plays being acting, or in the arts, music, playing music.

She kept me busy constantly. I guess it worked, because she goes, “Whenever you got bored, it was trouble.” This came back years later, because a few years ago when I was analyzed by two psychiatrists. They didn't know this, but one of them said, “Well, here's a guy who has got all the thoughts and urges and dreams and everything, augmentations of a full-blown psychopath, but he just never axed them out.”

It was odd. He didn't understand how that happened, because I have apparently what I think about and my drives are quite psychopathic, which you don't know in your own brain. I just thought everybody had this. They said, “Well, you just have a well-developed upper part of your prefrontal cortex that suppresses it at all. You have all these urges and just never play – act them out,” which is true.

My mother knew this, but this drive I had that I had to be kept busy, which I always have. That was the fix I get. I was also raised in this wonderful family, and so whatever genetic proclivity I have, it was never epigenetically triggered, that is marked epigenetically so that these warrior genes are always on, okay. They're not like that. I'm very competitive, like a lot of people are very competitive and all her kids are. My mother is, they're all killers, in the sense of being they can't lose. We're all driven to succeed. Even my granddaughters, everybody is like that. Just the worst family to play Scrabble with, or poker with, because of this drive to always win no matter what. We have that, but we don't have the drive to murder or rape or do anything like that. We’re a pain in the ass to play games with.

[0:22:52.8] MB: It's a truly incredible journey going from being a neuroscientist who's studying the brains of psychopaths to discovering that you may be a borderline psychopath yourself. It's an incredible coincidence.

[0:23:06.2] JF: It's stupid. It's really stupid when you think about it. There it is. I mean, it’s pure serendipity and purely a mistake of how I found out. I'm able to function okay. I married a great woman who's very tolerant of my behaviors and she knows who she is. That was a key. I was like, I was born into the right family and I ended up marrying somebody who's very smart and very tolerant of my craziness, if you will. Not craziness, but I was like a wild guy in a way, okay.

In the sense – I'll give me the sense of wildness, because it was, I don't think it was a big deal, but I'm just one of these guys. I went to Saint Michael's College and one of my classmates contacted me many, many years later. This was maybe about five years ago. We were there from 1965 to 69. A couple of years ago, he contacted me. I hadn't been in contact with him and he goes, “Jim.” He was, “I growing up –” when he was in his 20s he says, “I never dated girls and women and then brought them to a dinner and a movie.” He didn't do that, he says.

One day he did. It was like 1978 or 79, 10 years after we graduated. He is sitting in this movie and he's halfway through the movie and goes, “I went to school with this guy.” He did all of the stuff, exactly the stuff. Of course it turned out to be Animal House. It was talking about Bluto, because all of those things that Bluto did, I did. He thought that this guy – the other writers followed me around. I said, “Look, every school had a couple of those guys.” Everybody knows that guy.

That’s how I was – behavior, even though it was really academic. Obviously, it was pretty academic all the way through my life, but I love to screw around and be a joker and do the stuff that Bluto did, that John Belushi did in Animal House, exactly the same stuff. It's that stuff. It's being slightly naughty, not being a bad guy really.

[0:25:04.2] MB: There's a lot of different things I want to unpack from your story and your journey and your work. Maybe to start out, I'm actually curious to dig in a little bit around this conversation about genes and epigenetics. I'm somewhat familiar with this, but I'd love to explore and maybe explain for the listeners what exactly do you mean when you say epigenetics and why don't genes always express themselves if they're present?

[0:25:30.5] JF: Yeah. Every cell in your body has basically the same coding genes. In about each cell, about 5%, 7% of your genetic material is what people consider to be genetics, like a warrior gene, or stress genes, or control heartrate, etc. The rest of it, so-called junk DNA was years ago was found out and they didn't really – like Barbara McClintock back in the 40s and 50s, they didn't understand what it meant, this junk DNA. Well, the junk DNA turns out to be all these regulators of genes and not the genes themselves.

There's a whole group of these and these regulators of the genes are where most of the action is. They are regulators of the regulators too. They're called transposons, which we study a lot about in schizophrenia in our own lab. There are these regulators of genes and the regulators have different forms. If someone can be long or short – if you have the long form, it's like a gas pedal that's on, like heavy. If you have the light form of the gene, low aggression gene, a warrior gene, that's the low allele form, and a second gas pedal that's not turned on light.

Then the regulators, if you add methyl groups to them, these little methyl groups; carbon with three hydrogens, you can add them to these regulators of the genes and what happens then is that they're on all the time. It's like having your foot on the pedal all the time. You lose the context dependence of behaviors.

If you look at behaviors, for example of psychopaths and narcissists and everything, those behaviors in and of themselves are not considered pathological if they're in the right context. Nothing is wrong with murdering somebody, if somebody is trying to murder you or murder your family, for example. It's not the actual behavior, it's the context of behavior.

Having sex. There's nothing wrong with sex, but you have sex at certain times with certain people, not all the time with everybody. If you have these epigenetic marks, which the marks or the methyl groups basically, then these things are turned on all the time and you lose the context dependence of your behaviors, that's what's pathological. Now that's one explanation of epigenetics.

It's like the notes are all there in the piano, but which ones are being played is the epigenetic part of it, right? You're not always playing all the notes all the time. That's the quick and dirty of it of what epigenetics is.

One of the major epigenetic markers, what does the marking is stress and abuse. What's important for the elaboration of the etiology of personality disorders, especially the pernicious ones, which we call the cluster B personality disorders, the dangerous ones like psychopathy and narcissistic personality disorders that have to do with how you treat other people, your interactions with other people and what makes you a predator or not a predator on other people. Well, those genes can be turned on all the time, but the way they get turned on permanently is if you're abused early.

First of all, you have to have the forms of the genes that are the high acting forms that are related to for example, high violence or low emotional empathy or low anxiety. If you have the genes already, that's not pathological. If you're abused or abandoned early in life between birth and three-years-old, that permanently sets them in a high form. It's like keeping the gas pedal all the time on. It's pretty much permanent. That's what's pathological. You have to have this interaction between early environment. It's not just any environments; early environment and it usually has to do with abuse, with these – the forms of the genes that can be dangerous. Those two together is what makes the magic of these pathological personality disorders.

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[0:30:44.4] MB: You obviously had the benefit of science, the research, actually looking at the brain scans and the genetic analysis. For an everyday person, how do you determine, or notice, or discover if somebody has psychopathic tendencies, or if they are a psychopath?

[0:31:02.5] JF: Yeah. For somebody who is a – not a damaged psychopath, because a lot of people I study, the murderers, they're sloppy and they were hit over the head with pipes and abused drugs, etc. Not only were they psychopaths, but they also had brain damage, right? These guys are usually caught early. Teenagers, they start behaving poorly around, even before they're 12 or 13, some of them they’re five-years-old.

They usually get caught, because they’re sloppy. There are psychopaths that do not have this other brain damage. These guys if they're smart, they're very hard to catch and very hard to sort out, that is to determine who they are.

Now I work with a group and one of the things I do is work with the oppositions in these countries that have dictators; North Korea, Syria, Russia. There's about 12 of them. We work with them, but one of the things they like me to do is to go in and hang out with whoever is coming in as the opposition leader, right? To determine, maybe the guy coming in is worse than the tyrant they have in there now.

That usually involves hanging around the guy, having drinks, getting drunk with them and just talking at a bar for hours, looking for the signs. If you're in a case where you're talking to a really smart guy or gal and they haven't – they're not damaged and they know what the signs are for psychopathy, or NPD, narcissistic personality disorder, they've learned to suppress them.

You can go on for an hour or two and they don't show you anything. Some will go on for days and they won’t show you much of anything. The typical way of looking for the tells of psychopath is – I mean, there's some lightweight things like as they're talking, their hands – when they use their hands talking, they go higher and higher in front of your face, so their hands get very high.

Not like talking to an Italian, where the hands are right below the chin and go, ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom. The hands go up. Also, they use a lot of personal pronouns more than the average person talking; I, me, I, I, me, me. They also talk in a funny way about their own guts. They’ll talk about – have a stomachache. They'll talk about it in a very graphic way, or about their sex life, or about things that are visceral. They get really explicit about it and seem quite happy about it.

Not all of them do that, but that's not a typical, okay? Which is to say it's fairly typical of them if they talk long enough. Also, you start getting a feeling, getting a little bit of a creepy feeling from them if you keyed into this. Now part of the danger of psychopathy are the people who are near psychopaths, that is they have a lot of the pro-social traits. There are pro-social traits. Pro-social doesn't mean you're nice. It means that you have traits that allow you to navigate society without being caught.

Then there are the negative traits, which make you basically an asshole. Nobody likes those. They're really antisocial. They're criminal. Even other criminals don't like them. The positive traits, which are about half of the traits, these are things like being glib and being very slick verbally. I'm always asked of course, “Is Trump a psychopath?” Of course, no psychopaths talk like Trump. Nobody does. The people, the person with the most – I didn't vote for Trump, but the people who they talk like are people who are really smooth, like Bill Clinton is probably got the most positive and negative traits of a psychopath.

I’m not saying he's a psychopath, but he's got it. It's that smooth glib talking guy that a lot of people really love. Obama had it too. There are other presidents and leaders who have it throughout history, which is the very glib. They know they got the rap and people are drawn to that. They think it's a sign of intelligence. Sometimes it is, but people – you can find a street guy who's got the really cool rap, but doesn't mean he's really intelligent, but they know what to say and they talk fast and all that stuff. Those are positive signs, or positive traits, because it allows you to navigate through society.

They're also very confident, a bit too much. They’re very confident. These traits of being very positive and really being narcissistic – You don't have to be a narcissist to be a psychopath, but they usually have this very big wonderful thoughts about themselves. It makes them confident. A lot of people likes somebody who talks well, they're glib, they talk fast and they are also very confident. It turns out that the same traits that are considered pathological, but the positive traits, or pro-social traits of psychopathy are the same ones that people consider to be leadership.

People always wonder, “Why do we get so many leaders of not just politics, but journalism, everywhere? Why do we have these people?” Well, because we like those people. We choose people with those traits, because you like, “I want that guy. I want that gal on my side.” They're really glib and they're aggressive and they always seem to win things. They take chances and they win.

Well, this is leadership, but it's also psychopathy. This confusion allows them to do very well in society, as long as they don't have a lot of negative traits. If they have the negative traits too, then they have enough – they score enough on the psychopathy tests, like the hair test, or the PPI, which is otherwise normal people, the Psychopathic Personality Inventory, that they score high enough, that they have the traits, but not so many that they're clinically diagnosed.

Somebody like me, I have positive traits and not many of the negative traits at all. I can get away with a lot of things. Psychopaths, especially borderline ones with the positive traits, people let them get away with things because they can be very – lot of fun and they seem to be charismatic, which means they walk in the room, they got that light around them, like Clinton, or Obama, or I don’t – maybe some people think that somebody like Trump does too. I don't, but nonetheless, there are these consensus things like this guy, did you see him? I mean, he's got the light around him. Well, that is not only leadership, but it's usually associated with psychopaths too.

That's that makes it hard to find them out. In fact for guys, a lot of women love this stuff, right? Oh, he's really confident, he’s cool and he's got the rap, he's all this stuff and he knows what he's doing and he seems to be a winner. Women are naturally – not every woman, but a lot of women are drawn to that. They also will draw in psychopaths. The psychopaths, what they will tend to do is they'll engage you and they know that – first of all, they're looking for your weaknesses. What's your problem? If they really want even some way, either to take your money, or to have you sexually, or just to own you for a moment, for a couple of hours, because a lot of times it never leads anywhere, but they just like to own people for the moment.

As they're talking, the back of their mind they're saying, “Okay, is this person what? Does this personally hate their father and their mother? They hate authority or they feel suppressed or they’re religious?” They're always digging slightly for any signs and symptoms of what bothers you emotionally. That's what they'll put in their holster and use that against you to manipulate you. That's the game. Since they’re so charming, you don't see it.

Now some people will smell a rat all the time. It's funny, because my wife, she always complains. She goes, “Just my girlfriends. We’re always hit on when we were growing up.” She’s, “Nobody ever hit on me.” I said, “Because you got a sign on this. Your sign is keep off the grass.” She could really sniff out a rat. She didn't sniff out me, because she knows me to be a nice guy otherwise, right? Even though she knows I’m a jerk, and so when I start acting up either at a party or a bar and I got people around me and I'm telling stories, she goes, “You're doing that thing again. You're doing that thing.”

She never really talks about it that much and she never really wanted to do any interviews, because we had had a lot of interviews here from different networks and we had the BBC here twice. Then one of the BBC thinks she finally said something. The only time she's ever said anything in any interviews. She goes like, “I'm married to two guys. One guy is this really, fun, smart guy, kind, great guy to be around, he's got a lot of great friends and he's just a kick. He's interesting and loving and all that.” She said, “I love that guy.” She says, “Then there’s this other guy, this dark character. I do not like at all.”

She has always known me to be that way and accepts it, because my actual behavior is not so bad, you know what I mean? I'm a guy, but I'm not – I'm still within the range of acceptable guyness, I guess. She knows who the asshole is there and she does not like that. I can suppress that. I've learned now that I know that I might have these traits or might be close to being a psychopath, I've tried to overcome it.

I said to myself a few years ago, a couple years ago. I said, “Nobody can beat psychopathy.” I said, “But I can do it.” Because I just tried to use my own narcissism to say, “Nobody can do it, but I can do it. I'm that good at this stuff.” Every interaction with my wife, I started with my wife and for a couple of months and I tried – I thought to myself, “What would a good guy do in this specific circumstance?” A lot of it's just being a good roommate. You pour the wine for the other person first, you pick up after yourself. Regular, like being a good roommate stuff.

Then it was things like going to her aunt's funeral, or my own aunt’s funeral, where I'd find an excuse and I'd be down at some – I'd say, “Well, I’m busy. I got to do this thing.” I’d be down at some beach bar in Newport having a party, while they're at the cemetery. I do those things, which are not considered too nice.

Everywhere in between that, I just kept looking at all my behaviors and I found out a couple of things. First of all, after a month of this, I was completely exhausted every night. Instead of sleeping four hours a night, which I've always slept since I was maybe 17 or 18, instead of sleeping eight hours, I started sleeping four hours a night. Now when I was trying to do this, I started this – I was up five and six and then seven hours, because I was so exhausted from trying to be a nice guy.

After two months, she said to me spontaneously, she goes, “What has come over you?” I say, “What are you talking about?” She just, “Like you're really nice guy all the time.” I had to tell her. I said, “Don't take it seriously. It’s an experiment. I’m trying to see if I can suppress all of my urges to be a jerk and to be a nice guy.” I said, “I've been watching my other friends what they do.” They have kids and grandkids. I noticed that they do things I don't do and they really sacrifice themselves.

I tried to do that and other people noticed that too. I've been trying to fight it, but you got to think about it every day. It’s like an addiction. If you look at anybody who has alcohol addiction, or food addiction, or drugs, or anything, in order to overcome it, the only way to do it is every day you've got to make a conscious decision. It's so exhausting, but it's a lifelong thing. Or else, in the case of one addict, they slip back into it.

That's why most people who do a New Year's resolution, they're back doing the same stuff in the week than people who are chronic sinners. I grew up Catholic, so we went to confession. I’d ask a lot of priests, but also rabbis and ministers. I said, “Do people always have the same sins? Bad sins?” They go, “Yes.” Then the obvious occurred to me is that these what people call sins, which they can be absolved and it's just psychopathy. The same bad shit you do all the time to people.

The good thing about going to a confession or talking to your God is that you're absolved of it. You're forgiven for because that's the way that system is set up. It's easier and more comforting to say that I am a sinner, but I'm going to try better, than to say I'm a psychopath, which is no cure for. It’s being damned, I guess.

I tried to do it by just always thinking. I'm still trying to do it. I'm really succeeding, except I'm sleeping longer and longer and less of academically successful than I was before I found this out, because I didn't sleep much. I was able to work a lot. When people ask me, “What's the secret of your success?” I don't sleep, or when I sleep, I get a full night's sleep and get on my REM sleep in, and so it takes me two seconds of low sleep. I get all the sleep, but it's also correlates I think with my ability to produce and be successful.

You have these different things that people consider faults, but a lot of times they're your strengths too. I'm sure you've heard this many times and I think it's quite true. All those things that are the bane of your life, different conditions that you might have, things – bad things that have happened. Well for me, I welcome these so-called bad things, because – and the failures, they're built into how you improve yourself. If you accept those things, it becomes very easy to fail and it becomes very easy to take those negative things in your life and I make it better. I do that and I did it with this too. I'm still trying to be a nice guy.

[0:44:37.5] MB: How do you, or how does someone listening defend themselves against being manipulated by a psychopath?

[0:44:46.0] JF: If you engage a psychopath and usually, probably your listeners are successful, smart guys and gals that and they're going to run into psychopaths or partial psychopaths, or pro-socials that are pretty smart too. If you engage them and think you're going to beat them, forget it, because that's their whole game. A lot of psychopaths will groom people for weeks and months and even years. They'll have a number of people they’re trying to get to for different reasons. Women to get at, men to get at, violence to pull over on you, or money to steal from you, or just to manipulate you.

They'll have multiple people going at one time and they'll be grooming. They can be very patient too. They're not all just impulsive. People can be setting you up for months, weeks and weeks, months, even years to finally get you. They’re grooming you and they're getting you into a place where you accept, they trust you. They not only trust you, they find – will probably be suspicious a bit. You're going to have to be a little naughty with them or something and you get them to accept that, find it as exciting.

You got to go – if you look at all the people who follow gurus, like Charlie Manson. He was able to read these women for their hatred of their fathers and society and then he was able to use all that. He groomed all those gals for years. It's not that hard to do. As long as the person you're talking to is pissed off at something and upset, they want to get even. Now those are very easy to get to.

It doesn't matter how smart they are either. They can get them. They'll be grooming you and be getting a lot of information. I mean, for me when I can see somebody doing it, they seem too interested in you, you know what I mean? It's like, they care too much about you. Some people, especially women will say, “Oh, he's really interested in what I'm thinking, what I'm saying.” You say, “Well, actually he's grooming you right now. He's acting very interested in you. Unusually interested, like I've never met a boy or a man who is this interested in what I have to say.”

A psychopaths will be able to read that need that this is somebody who's a gal who really doesn't feel she gets respect, and so act like a guy who really cares what she says. While he's doing that, he's reading into what you're mad at, what your weak spots are. A lot of times, these guys – and I can see them. I’m sitting on a bar listening to them. I roll my eyes. There’s always some guy, one guy in a bar at least that's a real psychopath, and you can hear him working on people. They're very intensive and they’re very – they’re throwing a joke and it seems –

If you look at them enough, it seems like – it's always a performance. It doesn't seem like a natural organic conversation to me ever. It's very somewhat scripted interaction. They care too much on what the young man or the young gal has to say. They're interested. They’re a little too caring. All of these things add up and really will be probing, will be probing for some personal information and about your family and you – that seems normal, right? It seems normal. It's nice to have somebody who really cares about you, rather than talking about themselves all the time.

At some point, there's some people that just care too much. The question is what is that? Is there some threshold that's useful and you say, “Ah, you pass the threshold. You're a psychopath. I don't want anything to do with you,” walk away. Well, it's like that. The best thing to do with somebody who really think is a psychopath, who cares too much and gets a little – starts getting more and more a little controlling or creepy with you, you walk away. You don't try to fight it. You just walk away, because that's their game and they love playing the game, and so you just walk away.

[0:48:26.0] MB: What would be one really simple, quick action step, or piece of homework that would give for listeners who have been listening to this conversation and either want to maybe investigate their own psychology, or think about ways to better understand psychopathy?

[0:48:43.2] JF: Yeah, there's no really good way to do it yourself, because people not only lie to themselves, but they also are too rough on themselves. Let's say, well I have this narcissistic trait. They really don't. It's very mild. Even if you do with some friends that try to be dramatic about your traits, whereas the real trait if you score them to zero like you have none of that trait, or one, you have a bit, or two, you have the full-blown trait; people tend to be a little bit too much in denial, will give too many zeroes and too many twos, not enough ones.

It's very hard to do this yourself. The only way – you can't really tell if somebody's a psychopath by looking at their genes or their brain scans either. You have to do it by being – having a formal structured-unstructured interview with a psychologist, or psychiatrist who knows personality disorders. It's the only way to do it.

There are people who take online tests, like the Levinson, the PPI, or the hair test if they get a hold of it. They take these tests online, but they really – it doesn't work too well, because some people want to be it. They think it's cool to be a psychopath. It's not so cool to be a psychopath, but they’ll think it is, so they’ll be scoring themselves heavily like, “I'm really good there.” Well, they're really not. Whereas, the real psychopath will hide it.

They’ll probably suppress it and they’ll force it to be a lower number. They don't want to be found out to themselves either. It's very difficult to do it yourself. I had been working around them and worked in the field and I didn't even know it myself, what I had. I should have been completely aware. In fact, psychiatrists around me had told me for years, they said, “We've been telling you, you're a borderline psychopath. You never listen.”

I said, “I thought you were saying I was crazy.” They say, “You’re not crazy. We didn't say you're crazy. We said you have psychopathic traits and you’re a pain in the ass, man. You just do things that are like that.” I just didn't listen to it. I heard it as I wanted to hear it. I was certainly in denial. I don't like having this. I'm a father and a grandfather and it's not so great, because it's –they have to live with that. The only good thing is I've never done anything. I don't have a record or anything, so I'm just a – some animal in a zoo, I guess a bit. They don't really mind.

It's a weird game to play, because it can affect some kids and you got to watch it. The answer to your question is the only way to do it is to go to a psychologist who knows adult psychopathy and adult personality disorders. It's going to cost some money to do it. You really can't do it with an online test. That's the answer you did not want, Matt.

[0:51:24.5] MB: No, that’s still very helpful. For listeners who want to find you and your work and your writing online, what's the best place for them to do that?

[0:51:32.8] JF: If you just put – if you type in James Fallon Psychopathy, you'll see my posts all over the place, unfortunately. Either in the videos, because I've given a lot of talks, so you can probably find about 50 videos of different talks I've given. It's James H. Fallon. If you just, James Fallon Psychopath seems to pull up a lot of stuff, and that's one way to do it.

People can also contact me. I don't respond to phone calls at all, because I just – you got stuff somewhere, or texts. People e-mail me with real questions and I try to answer them. I have a book that's I still I guess, pretty relevant because the sales are still quite good on it. That's The Psychopath Inside.

We do other research too. Even though I'm semi-retired, because I shut my labs down, I still do research with my collaborators. We do other research too. If you want to look up what kind of work I'm doing, you look in PubMed, P-U-B-M-E-D and just put in James H. Fallon. My papers would come up on other research I'm doing well.

[0:52:40.2] MB: Well Jim, thank you so much for coming on the show and sharing your incredible and wild personal story and all the lessons that you've learned from the fascinating research that you've done.

[0:52:51.5] JF: My pleasure, Matt. You made it easy for me too.

[0:52:54.1] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners, master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

I'm going to give you three reasons why you should sign up for our e-mail list today by going to successpodcast.com, signing up right on the homepage. There are some incredible stuff that’s only available to those on the e-mail list, so be sure to sign up, including an exclusive curated weekly e-mail from us called Mindset Monday, which is short, simple, filled with articles, stories, things that we found interesting and fascinating in the world of evidence-based growth in the last week.

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Remember, the greatest compliment you can give us is a referral to a friend, either live or online. If you enjoyed this episode, please leave us an awesome review and subscribe on iTunes because that helps boost the algorithm, that helps us move up the iTunes rankings and helps more people discover the Science of Success.

Don't forget, if you want to get all the incredible information we talked about in the show, links transcripts, everything we discussed and much more, be sure to check out our show notes. You can get those at successpodcast.com, just hit the show notes button right at the top.

Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.

February 14, 2019 /Lace Gilger
Emotional Intelligence
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The Surprising Idea You Can Use To Overcome Self Doubt, Negativity, and Insecurity with Todd Herman

February 07, 2019 by Lace Gilger in Emotional Intelligence, High Performance

In this episode we discuss a proven way of overcoming the self-doubt, negativity, and insecurity that hold you back and we show you how to ultimately become your best self using a unique and unlikely strategy. We look at legends from pro athletes to MLK and uncover how they used the same exact strategy to get into the zone when it counts. We discuss all this and much more with our guest Todd Herman.

Todd Herman is a high-performance coach and author of, 'The Alter Ego Effect: The Power of Secret Identities to Transform Your Life'. He is the creator of the 90 Day Year a performance system which is designed to create results for business owners, fast. He has worked with Olympic athletes, Entrepreneurs, and Leaders including members of the Spanish Royal Family. He's been featured on the Today Show, The Good Life Project, Inc Magazine and more.

  • Nature is the ultimate litmus test of whether or not an idea has credence and truth

  • If something doesn’t exist in nature - we need to look at it and understand it

  • Balance does not exist in nature - but equilibrium does 

  • Based on what evidence do you need to have balance in your life? 

  • What is the alternative to finding balance in your life? What should you seek instead?

  • If you want to achieve big things, if you want to explore your capabilities, you have to throw yourself out of balance, you have to push past your comfort zone, to achieve big goals

  • In order to achieve big goals, you have to give up focus on other areas of your life to do it 

  • On a farm there is no idea of work life balance

  • Integration is far more important than balance - how do we actually integrate things into our lives? 

  • How do you move beyond the idea of work-life balance and move into integration?

  • What is an alter-ego?

  • An alter-ego can be an internal trusted friend. Bring an ally inside your mind. 

  • How do you get into the zone? How do you get into flow states? 

  • An alter ego ALLOWS you to have permission to achieve

  • How to leverage the science of "Enclothed Cognition” to transform yourself and create a powerful alter ego that can help you achieve anything 

  • The power of artifacts and totems

  • There are so many ideas that have been spread in the personal development world for so long that are false ideas, they aren’t rooted in science

  • The alter-ego taps into your creative imagination - is let’s you harness the power of this to make yourself more powerful and effective

  • How do you deal with resistance? Personal trauma? Self Doubt? Imposter Syndrome?

  • How legends like pro athletes and Martin Luther King would use physical props to tap into their alter egos

  • Stepping into your “distinguished self” 

  • How to harness the power of intention using physical triggers and tools to create 

  • The idea that you are one single self is completely flawed. Life is about context. You are different people in different contexts. 

  • “Multiple Self Theory” and how it’s changing psychology

  • You don’t build an alter-ego for your entire life. You build specific alter egos for specific contexts and opportunities.

  • To meet force with force does not help when dealing with difficult people. All it does is prolong the tantrum and create problems. Be like Mr. Rogers.

  • Don’t fight against yourself, leverage the way you naturally behave and turn that to your advantage. 

  • “Willpower is a terrible tool” to create change. 

  • Resistance comes from the unconscious and is extraordinarily powerful. Willpower comes from the frontal lobe. It’s like a mouse fighting an elephant. 

  • “Bo Jackson never played a down of football in his life”

  • It’s not pretending who you want to be, its “activating” who you want to be. 

  • What happens when you get stuck in a “trapped approach"

  • At your core, you have unlimited possibility - you have to decide and choose WHO you are and WHO is gonna show up to get the results you want. 

  • If something is getting in the way of you doing what you want to do or know you can do - THAT’S being inauthentic

  • Every single person - even you - has already done this - you’ve already use this idea. You just have to tap back into it. 

  • Playing with ideas is not a bad thing. 

  • What’s the critical difference between being childish and child-like? And why does that matter?

  • This is about remembering something that’s already inside of you. 

  • Homework: Define what “field of play” it makes the most sense for you to use an Alter Ego in. Start with - what area of life are you most frustrated with?

  • Homework: What are the traits you most want to bring into that field of play? Is there anyone or anything that already embodies that? A fictional character? A real person? A historical figure? Is there someone that you’re really drawn to? Your mind is constantly telling stories - if you tap into an existing story that’s already been written - you harness the power of it. Ask yourself - how can you ACTIVATE that?

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Thank you so much for listening!

Please SUBSCRIBE and LEAVE US A REVIEW on iTunes! (Click here for instructions on how to do that).

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We’re proud to announce that this week’s episode of The Science of Success is brought to you by our partners at Athletic Greens!

Athletic Greens is offering our listeners 
20 FREE TRAVEL PACKS, a $79 value, with your first purchase when you go to www.athleticgreens.com/success.

Start this year off with a new incredibly impactful and easy to maintain healthy habit with Athletic Greens. The fact is, the perfect diet doesn't exist, and ultimately falls short due to a busy lifestyle, travel schedule or restrictive diets. That's why Athletic Greens packs in 75 whole food sourced ingredients and covers you in 5 key areas of health, making it one of the most comprehensive supplements on the market.

Show Notes, Links, & Research

  • [Personal Site] Todd Herman

  • [Book] The Alter Ego Effect: The Power of Secret Identities to Transform Your Life by Todd Herman

  • [Article] One Self or Many Selves? by Gregg Henriques Ph.D.

  • [Article] A Multiple Self Theory of the Mind by David Lester

  • [Journal Article] Enclothed cognition by Hajo Adam and Adam D.Galinsky

Episode Transcript


[00:00:19.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[00:00:11] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success, the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than 3 million downloads and listeners in over a hundred countries. In this episode, we discuss a proven way of overcoming this self-doubt, negativity and insecurity that hold you back, and we show you how to ultimately become your best self using a unique and unlikely strategy. 

We look at legends from pro athletes to MLK and uncover how they use the same exact strategy to get into the zone when it counts. We discuss all of these and much more with our guest, Todd Herman. 

Do you need more time; time for work, time for thinking and reading, time for the people in your life, time to accomplish your goals? This was the number one problem our listeners outlined and we created a new video guide that you can get completely for free when you sign up and join our email list. It's called How You Can Create Time for the Things That Really Matter in Life. You can get it completely for free when you sign up and join the email list at successpodcast.com.

You're also going to get exclusive content that's only available to our email subscribers. We recently pre-released an episode in an interview to our email subscribers a week before it went live to our broader audience. That had tremendous implications, because there is a limited offer in there with only 50 available spots that got eaten up by the people who were on the e-mail list first. With that same interview, we also offered an exclusive opportunity for people on our e-mail list to engage one-on-one for over an hour with one of our guests in a live exclusive interview, just for e-mail subscribers.

There's some amazing stuff that's available only to email subscribers that's only going on if you subscribe and sign up to the email list. You can do that by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the homepage. Or, if you're driving around right now, if you're out and about and you're on the go, you don't have time, just text the word “smarter” to the number 44222. That's S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44222.

In our previous episode, we discussed how our guest helped secret agents become more creative. We look at specific strategies to navigate personal change while empowering and using your imagination. How do you become more imaginative? What are the keys to sparking imagination and creativity and how do you use creativity to get through challenges and setbacks? We discussed all of these and much more with our previous guest, Beth Comstock. If you want to unlock your creativity and imagination, listen to that episode. 

Now, for our interview with Todd. 

[00:03:00] MB: Today, we have another awesome guest on the show, Todd Herman. Todd is a high-performance coach and author of The Alter Ego Effect: The Power of Secret Identities to Transform Your Life. He's the creator of the 90 Day Year, a performance system which is designed to create results for business owners fast. He’s worked with Olympic athletes, entrepreneurs and leaders, including members of the Spanish Royal Family. He’s been featured on the Today’s Show, the Good Life Project, Inc. Magazine and much more. Todd, welcome to The Science of Success. 

[00:03:31] TH: Matt, I'm excited to be here, because it's refreshing to talk to someone who values evidence and the scientific approach to success as much as I do. 

[00:03:41] MB: Well, that's awesome and that's one of the reason that we wanted to have you on the show, Todd. We were kind of getting into this in preshow, and so I wanted to just jump in and start recording. Let's expound on that topic. One of the things that I was telling you that is huge for me is there's no perfect way to resolve anything or really find the truth, right? In this life, nothing is certain, but one of the mental models that I like to use is this idea that science and data is one of the best mental models for predicting outcomes in the world and it gets proven wrong, it’s not perfect, but I really think it’s, at least in my experience and my research, one of the most useful ways to think about personal development. 

[00:04:25] TH: Yeah. Well, I mean, the way that I think of it too is does this exist in nature? I think nature is the ultimate litmus test of whether or not if someone is sharing an idea, whether or not it's got some sort of truth behind it, because if something doesn't exist in nature, then we need to really look at it then, because nature is – That’s where we come from. So there's up and there's down. There’s inside, there’s outside, there's duality. So it’s like the idea of balance. Balance does not exist in nature. It's trying to bring something back to an equilibrium, but this idea, say, in a personal world, where you have to have balance. Well, why?

Based on what evidence do we need to have balance in our life? Because it does not exist in nature. So why are we going to conform and try and constrain ourselves into a model that just does not exist, and many people create rules in their lives that are literally designed to force you to struggle, and balance is one that's going to force you to struggle and possibly beat yourself up. So I agree with you a hundred percent. 

[00:05:29] MB: That's really interesting. So obviously we’re going to get into your book and talk about some of those ideas, but before we do, this idea of balance is kind of interesting, and I’d like – It's a little bit kind of controversial. What would you say the alternative to balances and how would you think about for our listeners what should they seek instead and how do they do that?

[00:05:49] TH: Well, yeah. A, it’s just understanding that, especially for the people who are trying to strive, achieve, really like explore a lot of what their capabilities are. There are times when you are going to be throwing yourself out of balance in order to achieve that, because you need to be pushing past comfort zones, or just in order for anyone to achieve something, there needs to be a level of focus on that change that needs to happen, which means you need to be giving up focus on other areas of your life possibly. 

For example, right now I'm getting ready to launch this book that I have, that took me years to right. Now, of course, you're in that messaging where you're trying to get it out there, and it's so important to me that I have to let it go. I’ve got all of the other fields of play that I stand on in my life, right? With my family, I’ve got three little kids. My wife, friends, hobbies, and I go, “Okay. So I can't launch this thing out there and get it to where I want it, to get it towards – Or get it to by continuously still meeting up with my friends every single – Like there's just things I need to cut out. So now all of a sudden people go, “Oh! Well, that person isn't leading a balanced life.” No. No. No. It's by choice. I've chosen something else to be focused on in the next 90 days. So it's really helpful for people to understand so that you don't beat yourself up saying, “Oh, man! I've been working so hard on da-da-da and I'm not seeing my friends.” Yeah, but if you choose to do it, now you’re not going to beat yourself up over it. 

So the idea that I have – Now, I grew up on a huge farm and ranch in Western Canada. I live here in New York City now, which is the center of ambition on the planet. On the farm, it was such a great model for me to grow up inside of, A, because like I’d said before about nature. You learn about nature and what truly does work and doesn't work, but also there was no idea of work life balance. We lived where we worked. 

So I never thought that dad wasn't coming home from the office. He was out in the field. So integration is far more important to me. Now, how does that practically play out? Because I know that one of things that you do really well on the show is you actually get people practical advice as well and not leave people like up in the clouds. 

For me, how this plays out? Well, how could I take that idea of now, my family, where I definitely work a more white collar-ish job, right? I’m sharing ideas, I’m coaching, I’m advising and I’m putting on events and things like this. Well, how can I integrate my children more into this business? So, how it plays out when I do my live events and I have hundreds and thousands of people who might come to them? Molly and Sophie, who are – Molly is six now, and Sophie is 4-1/2. By the time their aged two, they have to come on stage with me and they have to sing something to the audience. They have to recite something to them. They have to do something. So I want to integrate them into my world, and there is one day, Matt, where – Well, I had my home office and I would close the door at around 7:00 to go in there to work, and my youngest daughter, Sophie, she was just before her second birthday, I heard her banging on the door and saying, “I hate work,” because I just said, “Daddy has to go to work now.” 

I thought to myself, “Wait a second. I don't want her establishing some sort of attitude or belief or whatever the case is that work is bad.” So I start every single day the exact same way. I sit down, and I’ve done this since I was just before my 22nd birthday. I write a handwritten note and I seal the letter with a wax seal and I send it off. So I've written well over 4,600 letters now to people. 

So the very next day I brought Molly and Sophie in with me and I have the box where all the tools are, like the letter, and the wax seal, and the wax itself, and the stamp, and all that and I got them to unpack it for me, set it all out for me, get me ready for my day, open up my laptop for me and get me ready. Now I’m integrating them in, and Sophie's response as soon as they had my desk all set up for me, she was like, “Okay, Molly. Let's go. Let’s leave daddy to get to work.” Then I heard her walk out the door and she said to my wife, Valerie, “What can we work on now?” So that’s just like an example of I'm not worried about balance. I want to integrate things in. How can I make everything just swim together, not keep it so separate.

[00:10:15] MB: Yeah, I totally agree with that, and I want to come back to Alter Egos in a second, but another kind of quick experience that I've had as well, I don't really see any distinction between work and life. They’re just one on blended thing for me, and I think it's important sometimes to have periods where you unplug from everything and really get that rest and relaxation, but at the same time, when I go on vacation, if I go to the beach for – I might go to the beach with my family for two weeks, but during that time, I might go surfing and then I'll come back in the afternoon and I'll work on a financial model or have a conference call or something like that, and I don't view that as working on vacation. I just view it as that's my life. So sometimes on a Wednesday afternoon I might play video games the middle of the day. It's all one fluid thing that is completely kind of interwoven. 

[00:11:05] TH: Yeah. It's the beautiful thing about the age that we’re living in now, and it can also be a handcuff for many people. I’d say generation X, like my generation, we've had to kind of stand on this border and balance this kind of we grew up at the latter end of that kind of industrial age and computer age and we started developing our themselves professionally at this huge shift that was happening where there was – you could start working from home. I think probably my generation really has a struggle with that almost schizophrenic nature of when you work at home – Like when I first started my business, actually I started it at my home in 1997, and when I told people that, that was back when people thought you're just basically unemployed if you're working from home. But this kind of great era that we live in now is we have this fantastic choice and I think some people struggle with the idea that they're not being productive or efficient if they're not always working, and that work happens between nine and five. But now the shift has happened where you work whenever you want to now. There is no defined time where you need to be working, and if you want to go play video games at 1:00 in the afternoon, do that, if that's the way that it kind of feeds you. So some fun stuff that we all have to navigate. 

[00:12:27] MB: Yeah, it's very interesting. It's a very distinct quandary. But I want to make sure we have some time to really dig into your book. So I want to transition and talk about alter ego. So the title alone really begs the question or makes me think, and I'm curious, what exactly are alter egos and why did you decide to write about that and why are they so important for personal development?

[00:12:54] TH: Sure. So there're many reasons and there're many powers to it, but alter ego was first mentioned in 44 B.C. by Cicero, the great Roman philosopher and statesman. Considered to be one of the greatest of all time, and the term itself in its root form truly means the other I or trusted friend. When you think about just how we all need to navigate life and be successful, there's really no denying the fact that having a phenomenal Rolodex and having great relationships is extraordinarily powerful. 

In fact, of all the studies that talk about happiness and joy and fulfillment in life, every single one always has a component of relationships playing a huge or massive part of that. Okay. So that's at the external space. But this idea of an alter ego being a trusted friend internally, in your mental game. I've played between the 6 inches of the years now for 22 years working, like you'd said in the intro, with Olympians, and business leaders, and public figures, and many, many people struggle with that inner voice that will beat them up or stop them or create resistance. What an alter ego – Again, with that trusted friend, now you’re bringing in ally internal to help you navigate that with more grace and allow you to bring those innate qualities that you do have that might be not showing up in your performance to leverage the idea of an alter ego and bring them out on to a field of play so that you get the results that you want and you’re showing up like you know that you can, but in some way through your current kind of self, there’re some sort of resistance that’s happening. 

So I got into using alter egos myself at a young age when I was playing. I played football and kind of how they’re recruited, and I went on to play college football. I was also nationally ranked badminton player as well, which typically people don't think of those two going together, badminton and football. But when I would go on the football field, I would channel my – What I called my inner Geronimo. I’m a massive Native American fan and buff and I created this kind of tribe of warriors in my mind. One was Walter Payton, another was Ronnie Lott, both Hall of Fame football players in the NFL, and then this tribal like Native American warriors, and I brought them all together and I just called that entire composite Geronimo. 

So when I showed up on that field, Todd didn't play the game. Geronimo did, and Geronimo – I was 6 feet and like 156 pounds soaking wet. So I could easily get caught up in the fact that I was not a big guy, but Geronimo would never have those thoughts in his own head, and I channeled the strengths of those people to bring my performance to a level on that field. For myself, I'm always trying to find, whether it's someone like you Matt, or it's an athlete, or whether it’s an entertainer, the core of my work is to help someone get into the zone and flow state where there is no judgment. You’re just so caught up in the process. When you're in that experience, you're literally allowing every single ounce of your capability to get out of you in that moment without any sort of restriction of negative self talk or whatever. It's a massive allowing that's happening. 

Alter ego was one of my top tools that I would go to when working with people after I started my business to allow them to get out on the field. To kind of carry this forward, when I started my business at the age of 21, I look like I was 12, Matt, you're actually very similar. You’ve got a young face too, right?

[00:16:38] MB: I definitely do. Oh, yeah. 

[00:16:39] TH: I don’t know about you with your experience, but I was so insecure about how young I looked, because I was going out there and I was talking about mental game and I didn't have like a degree in psychology. So I was concerned about my credibility because of my lack of a degree or something, but I wasn't really talking a lot about psychology. I was talking about the biology of things. I was talking about kinesiology. I was bringing together all these different worlds. But fundamentally, that was one of my strengths. I was really, really good at developing my own mental toughness, which allowed me to perform at a high level, and I was then good at teaching and breaking it down for people. But it was stopping me from getting out and marketing myself and getting my message out, because I was so insecure and caught up in my head about how young I looked. Then one day I was just like, “Wait a second. I wonder if this idea of Geronimo could help me in business,” and I was kind of reconciling and I was like, “Well, Geronimo is pretty aggressive. That doesn't really work for business, but is there someone or something else?” 

It dawned on me that all the people that I thought were confident and smart and articulate and all these things all have glasses when I was young. So I thought, “Well, why don’t I leverage that,” and I’d put on my helmet when I went on the football field to channel Geronimo, but then when I went – What could I used to kind of trigger and signal this confident and articulate and decisive self in business, and the glasses was going to be my tool. I’m going to get to the power scientifically behind this in a second, because it leverages a psychological phenomenon that we all carry with us. 

So that's what I did. I went to LensCrafters in West Edmonton Mall in Edmonton, Alberta where I was living at the time, and I went to the optometrist and I got a pair of nonprescription glasses. This is like in the late 90s when wearing glasses wasn't a cool fashion thing at all. Everyone was getting LASIK eye surgery trying to get away from glasses and here I am walking and the optometrist is giving this weird look at me, like, “You don't need glasses. Why are you getting glasses?” I’m like, “Can you please just shut up and give me the glasses please?” So that's what I did, and I would put those on and I would step into my Superman version of myself in business, just like Superman would put on his glasses become Clark Kent. I did the reverse. I was putting on the glass to be the Superman version of myself for business to carry forth the traits that I most wanted to show up and stop feeling so insecure. 

Now, what this actually leverages, because we want to talk about evidence, is this phenomenon called enclothed cognition. So human beings carry with us this sort of phenomenon that we have clothing and things that we wear, or in society there is clothing and there are artifacts and totems that signal to us an idea of what that thing is all about, so a lab coat, or a doctor's coat, or police officer's uniform. 

Now, the fascinating thing about this is when you put that thing on yourself, you will actually enclothe yourself in that same meaning and you will cognitively start to act through those traits yourself. We all have maybe a power tire, or we have like a shirt that we put on that makes us feel good. That's why that whole idea of look good, feel good; behave good, or act good works. It's actually proven out with science. 

So the Kellogg School of Management did this really great study where they brought in a bunch of students into a room individually and there was – I don’t know if you’ve ever seen this before, Matt, but there’s like this little puzzle that you can do where a bunch of boxes, and in each box is the word of a color. But then it's colored in a different color. Have you ever seen those before?

[00:20:14] MB: Yeah, I've done one of those tests before. 

[00:20:16] TH: Yeah. So it’s like the word green, but it's colored in yellow, and then the word blue, but it's colored in red, and so on, and there’s probably like 25 of these on a grid. They brought these students into a room and they wanted them – They were going to test them on their accuracy, their attention to detail, the amount of mistakes that they're going to make and the amount of time it was going to take them to say all of the words, because our brain processes the color first before it processes the word. So it's a real kind of mind trick. 

So anyways, they brought them in and individually they would go through this and they would track them. So that group gets done and they record all the data. Then they bring in another group and they hand them a white coat and they tell them that it's a painters coat and they get them to do the exact same experiment. So then these people leave and they bring in another group, hand them exact same white coat, but this time they tell them it's a lab coat or a doctor's coat and then they do it. 

Okay. So what you think the difference was in the results between the painters coat and plainclothes people?

[00:21:15] MB: I'm not sure. I mean, obviously, I think the painters coat would've maybe made people feel more creative. I'm not really sure.

[00:21:21] TH: That's right. You’re dead on. That means they’re more creative. However, does being more creative help you for that specific task? 

[00:21:28] MB: Yeah, I probably I heard it too. 

[00:21:30] TH: Yeah, it actually didn't, and what happened was they had the exact same results as the plainclothes. So there’s no effect that happened. However, the people who wore the lab coat or the doctor's coat made less than half the mistakes as everyone else, and they completed the task in less than half the time. So what happened? Well, they enclothed themselves cognitively into the mindset or the actions, behaviors, of someone who is detail-oriented, right? They’re methodical. They’re careful. They’re studious, all things that we associate with someone who might be in a lab or in a doctor's coat. Powerful – This is like a powerful little phenomenon. 

Well, me, as someone – Like I'm the practitioner, Matt. I'm not someone who wrote the book because I found this idea. I've been working with people one-on-one for 22 years now, and I do group stuff. I do events, but I still do a lot of one-on-one. Over the course of my career, I’ve worked with people over 16,000 hours one-on-one. When you work with people one-on-one, I'm paid to help people perform better, right? 

Like in the professional athletics world or Olympic world, you’re not going to be able to work with people on a consistent basis if you're not actually making a difference with people’s performance. So my biggest issue, and this is what I appreciate about your podcast, is that there are so many ideas that have been spread from the personal development, self-help leadership world, for so long that are not rooted in real evidence. They’re nice ideas, lovely ideas. It sounds like I would really want that thing to truly work, but they don't often times. 

So the alter ego taps into the one thing that we truly are gifted with as human beings that makes us unique on the planet, and it is our creative imagination. Einstein said it, that our imagination is more powerful than knowledge, and our creative imagination is truly our gift to handle the world and handle it with more grace, but we can also create a world inside of our heads that can hurt us, right? We can create heaven from hell or a hell from heaven. We have this fantastic ability to create story and narrative in our minds. That's what we do, and an alter ego is like the backdoor into our creative imagination to fight against the other part that we have inside of us, which is Carl Jung would call it the shadow self. In the book I call it – Just to give it more – To give it kind of the thematic, the theme that I have rolling through the book, I call it the enemy, and the enemy can pull us into the shadows. What is it do? It uses things like resistance, which can come in the form of, “Hey, personal trauma.” There's a lot of people who’ve had some tough things happen to them, me included. 

I've had – Or there’s people who have imposter syndrome, that idea that they always are discounting their achievements and what they've achieved in life or their wins that they’ve had and they’re concerned about people finding them out or not having enough skill yet, and it stops you from taking action. There's any one of a number of different forces that stop us; doubt, worry, the judgment of others, right? An alter ego can more gracefully move past that and really pull those qualities and traits that are really actually in the skills that you have inside of you out-past it and on to the field for people.

So for me, I love diving into in the book like just the history of them, who has used them in the past. A lot of people would be surprised at who has used them to leverage this idea and pull the best of themselves out there the – Like I was saying, with the enclothed cognition, the science of how to use this to activate things. I was using the glasses to activate specific traits and step in that kind of inner business Superman. 

I’ll tell you a quick little story if you don't mind. I was doing a speech in San Antonio, Texas. It was a leadership event back in 2004. I mentioned the idea of alter ego and the glasses and how I have perfect 20/15 vision, but I use glasses and use glasses when I started out to be very intentional about who and what was going to show up on that field for me. 

Afterwards, this lady came up to me and said, “Listen, Todd, I loved your talk. Specifically, I liked your story around how you use glasses,” and it's funny, because Martin never needed glasses either. He had perfect vision and he had nonprescription glasses too to help him do the hard things that he was out there doing. 

What's important to note is the Martin that she is referring to, when I looked down, if you saw her nametag, her name is a Coretta Scott King. It’s Martin Luther King's wife, and she was telling me and went on to tell me that he would step into what he called his distinguished self, because he felt like he was leading such an important movement and on such an important mission that he didn't want whatever insecurities that he had gathered up over his life to get in the way of that mission. So he put on those glasses as a way of stepping into his distinguished self and do the hard things to continue to move that mission and movement forward. So I kind of share that story in the book, and many other people that have used it along with just the science of what you're tapping into inside. 

[00:26:28] MB: It's so fascinating, and there's a number of different things that I want to unpack out of this strategy, this whole notion that you have these kind of physical triggers, or tools, or totems as you call them, is really interesting and I've never come across that or thought about that as a strategy, but it makes so much sense, and it's something that I think is very eminently applicable for a lot of people as well. 

[00:26:55] TH: Yeah. Well, you mean how often have you heard people talk about the power of intention, right?

[00:27:01] MB: Yeah, all the time. Yeah.

[00:27:03] TH: All the time, right? And they say it and I always thought, “Okay, that’s a lovely idea,” but then once I got into this work more, and even before, Matt, we were talking about the power of like just integration and you were saying how there is no difference for me in like work and life. It's all just one thing. There have been a lot of shifts and changes in the psychology world in the last few years. If you could basically say that it has been disrupted massively, because a few of the fundamental pillars that have made up the philosophy of psychology have been basically brought to the ground, because those old studies have been proven to be non-replicatable. 

But one of the things that has been shifted, for the longest time in the psychology world had always kind of spread the idea or message that, fundamentally, the healthiest human beings are the ones who see themselves as a single self. That is broken now. In fact, there is more evidence showing now that the people who think that there's one single self that you carry around all of the different fields that you go when you live in typically have a very, very high-level of – Or a propensity towards having mental health issues, because life is about context. 

Now, an extremely fast growing area of study in psychology is this theory of multiple self theory, which is that understanding that we live contextually, right? Like, Matt, who you are with me right now is, of course, going to be slightly different and different than who you are when you're at home, or when you're playing sport, or when you're with your family, or significant other, or whatever the case is. There traits and parts of our personality that get magnified so that we can perform to our best ability, whatever that might be. 

Again, it's not performing in the way of acting. It's performing in the context, for me, of getting a result that you want, okay? So context matters. So for building alter egos for people, it was always contextual. You don’t build an alter ego for your entire life. The Todd that shows up and has glasses on in business, now, I don't bring that. I’ve got a challenger personality type. When you're working with high-achieving people, you've got to challenge them, because they’re around nothing but yes people a lot of the times, and they're just operating at such a high-level that I need to be challenging them on things. 

But do my little kids want that aspect of my personality at home when they just want a fun, playful, get on the ground and muck around from dad? No. But it would be very easy for me to take that home with me, because so much of my day is sitting, doing this work. So when I – And I'm still at a young dad. My oldest is only six, but I was carrying that home too much and then I thought to myself, “Wait a second. I need to create context here. Who would I most like to be inspired by to show up in the home with my kids?” and it was easy to go to Mr. Rogers. I grew up with Mr. Rogers, the prolific children's entertainer, and I thought to myself, “At my core, I know that there's a gentle self that's in there, because absolutely there is,” an Mr. Rogers is such great inspirations. So that's who I would like to most show up as or bring as a spirit into that moment. 

Where this came to a head for me was my middle daughter, Sophie, has let's say a fantastic emotional bandwidth. She can have fantastic eyes and very quickly go to a fantastic tantrum. When a young kid is having a tantrum, any other parent that’s listening knows that to meet force with force does not work. You can yell and scream at them, you can challenge them and dominate them by your size, but that's not going to help the situation and that would probably be an easy default for me. 

But the moment I got down on one knee and – Because it was the day before that's exactly how I acted. I challenged force with force and all it did was prolong the tantrum for 15 minutes. But the next day when I really channeled that idea of Mr. Rogers, I got down on one knee just like he would and I reached out to Sophie, I grabbed her, I pulled her in and I gave her a big hug just like he would, and she melted. Her tantrum went from lasting what would've been 12 minutes till like 13 seconds, and we all have this where we see her kids then run off and they’re playing and it’s like nothing just happened and you’re like, “What? You guys are insane!” But I'm not there to solve the psychology of children. I'd much rather meet it in a way that's more meaningful. So that's the power of that in action contextually. Same thing with all my athletes, we’re building the alter ego, or that character or persona for that field of place. 

So now that's taking that power of intention and you going, “Who and what do I most want to be showing up as on that field to help me be as successful as I possibly can?” Then it's to override whatever self-doubt you have that you can do it. Why not tap into and leverage our creative imagination and not forget about it and use it to your advantage and maybe step into your inner Yoda, your inner Luke Skywalker, or Wonder Woman, or whoever that might be for you?

[00:32:15] MB: This is a little bit of a tangent, but I love this notion of not meeting force with force and channeling Mr. Rogers. What a thoughtful approach to dealing with any difficult emotional situation or difficult individual. 

[00:32:30] TH: I mean, can you imagine if the leaders of our world that had their fingers over top of war machines handled things with a little bit more. Mr. Rogers? We would probably be living – And this is coming from a fairly hard-charging ambitious person, but I can tell you that we’d probably be living in a far different world, definitely. 

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[00:34:10] MB: So I want to circle back and talk about some of the struggles that people deal with and why this idea of an alter ego can be such a powerful tool, because when I think about the listeners, I'm sure there's people listening to this who face, as you call it, resistance. Whether it is a trauma they're trying to overcome, whether it's self-doubt, imposters syndrome, etc. How does this specifically help them overcome those challenges and those struggles?

[00:34:39] TH: Well, you know Matt, when you're looking at me or my life or you’re looking at someone else where you're not living inside of my head. We all do this, it’s the grass is greener effect, right? Where we go, “Oh, I can see how that works with that person, but I've got this going on, or I can see why that person built business up to being successful, because –” And we gloss over someone's life very easily. Human beings do that by very nature. That's just what we do. 

So me, as someone who’s a practitioner, I’m simply trying to leverage existing things that we do naturally, not fight against things like many people in the self-help world loves to push out the idea. Like the number one tool that most self-help personal book will typically give people leadership book is the number one tool is willpower. Of course, willpower is powerful. Yes, we do have the power of the will, the free will, but it is a terrible tool to use to overcome ourselves and change. Why? Because resistance comes from the unconscious and is extraordinarily powerful. Willpower comes from the frontal lobe, and on the grand scale of size, think of it like the mouse coming at the elephant. Just good luck with that. That's why most people wear out after – you can use willpower to steer yourself for a few days, a week, or a couple of weeks, but over time, typically, the unconscious and that resistance will win, typically. I didn’t say all the time, typically it will, which is why most people will struggle. 

Well, if this grass is green on the other side effect naturally happens, well, that's one of the things that we’re utilizing when we’re using an alter ego or a persona and tapping into someone and something else’s superpowers. Because we look at, say, James Bond, or we look at Daniel Craig, or we look at Michelle Obama or whoever it is that we might admire and we go, “Oh, I want to use their traits, because they just show up in an X, Y, Z way.” You're only seeing one part of that person's existence, and we’re not going deep because we don't have that person's narrative and storytelling going on. So why would I fight that? Instead, I’m going to use that and help you, a client, whatever, tap into it and step through that individual, that thing that might be being used, to help bring your traits out on to the field. So it's such a natural thing, and what you're just simply tapping into is that kind of – That gloss effect that we have. We strip away all of the negative that that person would have had to deal with in order to get to where they are and we’re just simply seeing the positive traits that that person has. 

So I’ll give you just a quick example too. I start off the book talking about a story that happened when I was speaking at an event in Atlanta years ago, and I was standing in the green room just sort of pacing and kind of practicing my talk by myself, and then in through the doorway comes like the most impressive physical specimen and one of the greatest athletes of all time, Bo Jackson. Me, a Nintendo fan from way back in the 80s and the early 90s, I'm like, “Oh my God! I played that guy in Nintendo all the time.” 

So he walks over to me and he’s like, “Hi, I’m Bo Jackson.” I said, “Yeah, I know who you are. I wouldn’t be a very good practitioner in sport if I didn't know who the only two time All-Star is in pro sport history in two different sports, in the NFL and Major League Baseball.” So he laughed and I said, “I played you a lot on Nintendo. You won me a lot of games on tech mobile.” He’s like, “Oh! You’re not the first one to say that.” 

Anyways, he said, “Are you talking today?” and I said, “Yeah, I'm going on next, I think, but you might had just bumped me,” and he’s like, “No, not quite. But what are you going to talk about?” and I said, “Well, I’m going to talk to the coaches about the mental game, the inner game, but specifically how to use an alter ego or persona to really unlock their capabilities on the field.” He looked at me kind of with this like a little bit of a shocked face and he kind of cocked his head to the side and he said, “Bo Jackson never played a down of football his entire life is like.” I was like, “Okay, interesting. Tell me more.” 

He was like, “Yeah. When people know my history, they know that I was actually a really angry kid, just filled with lots of emotion, and it sounds like that would work out well for you on the football field, but really what I did was I took a lot of bad penalties. I was not the most coachable kid because of it, and it was getting into some trouble. One night I was watching a movie and I saw this character come on the screen that was cold, calculating, methodical, unemotional and I thought to myself, “Wait a second. What if I brought that character on to the football field instead of this like angry and rageful and emotional kid? If I was unemotional and calculating and cold, that would seem to like help me out,” and the character that he saw on the screen was Jason from Friday the 13th. 

It doesn’t sound to most people, like an angry kid taking Jason out there would be a smart thing. Again, this is the power of our imaginations. It was his take away. It was the meaning that he took from that. For him, going out there and being more unemotional was going to help him perform better. So that's what he did. He took that out there and he said, “I'm sure you’re going to talk to kids about goals, but I had one mission and one mission alone, and that was just destroy anything that got in my path.” 

Now, again, in context, on that field of play called football, that mission serves that person. In business – And this is what – He did it so innately smart. That was the context. He didn't take Jason into business or into the classroom or anything like that that. That was where Jason lived, was out there on the football field. 

Same thing for me, I leave that Superman version of myself in business in my office, or on those moments of impact that matter to business. I don't take that home to my kids. That idea of myself is inspired by someone and something else. Then what happens is Cary Grant, this great Hollywood golden age actor in the 1940s and 50s, well-known for being like debonair, and charismatic, and well put together. He had this great quote near the end of his life where he said, “I pretended to be somebody I wanted to be, and I finally became that person, or he became me, or we met at some point,” and that encapsulates just the perfect idea of this. 

The only thing that I would change in his quote is instead of I pretended to be, it’s I activated somebody I wanted to be, and I finally became that person. Id if you think of it like who you are today as a Venn diagram, there's a circle on the left-hand side and then maybe who and how you want to show up in another circle, and maybe they don't overlap perfectly right now with your performance. But the bridge between the two can be the idea of an alter ego or a secret identity to help bring and merge those together and then at some point in time you've actually become that new self naturally, if that makes sense. 

[00:41:32] MB: Yeah, that definitely make sense. I think it's important for somebody who's listening who might think to themselves, “Okay. So this is basically just fake it till you make it.” What would you say to one of those listeners? 

[00:41:42] TH: Not even close. Yeah. I mean, again, this gets back to the idea that people in the personal world have done a terrible job messaging a lot of things. Fake it till you make it. This has nothing to even remotely come close to that, because faking something till you make it, just that idea is about external. That's about trying to – Yeah, if anytime you’re trying to do something to deceive others or trick others, that's activating, or that's operating from what I call an outside-in approach, and you will always create – I talk about in chapter 3, a trapped self. Because any time you are being that influenced by what's happening on the outside world in order for you to operate on the inside, that's where you have this issue of being inauthentic. 

This is about really having people understand that at your core self, there is this unlimited possibility that sits inside of a human spirit and a human person, and that you are being very intentional. You're taking the power back. You’re deciding and choosing who and what you want to show up on that field so that you can get the results that you're really looking for, and that your field of play is far more representative of how you think you truly can perform. Nothing beats up a person more at the end of the day than when you put your head on a pillow and you beat yourself up with, “Man! I wish I would've said this instead of that,” or “I wish I would have spoken up,” or “Why didn’t I raise my hand?” or “Why didn't I ask for the sale when that person was – It was perfect fit for them.” There some sort of resistance there for people, and that's being inauthentic now. 

True inauthenticity is when you could be doing something and you're not doing it, and I know that to be true, because I've done this for two decades and I know how people beat themselves up. When you're not out there doing the things that you know you can do or want to do and something else is getting in the way, that really beats up people’s self-efficacy, their self-esteem, their self-confidence. A trusted friend, and alter ego, the other eye to help you navigate that with more grace to bring out those abilities helps to make that happen. So fake it till you make it is a terrible idea and it has nothing to do with leveraging an alter ego to help make that happen. 

[00:43:58] MB: That's a great point, and it gets back to this notion of self-sabotage, right? This idea that if you’re getting in your own way, if there're things you could or want to do that you're somehow not able to, then you’re sabotaging yourself. 

[00:44:15] TH: And instead of beating yourself up – Again, these are natural parts of the human experience. Every single person that has been listening to this, if you have been doubting this or you’ve been thinking like, “Oh! I can see how that works for an athlete or an entertainer, but how could this work for me?” Here’s what I want to remind you. Every single one of you, every single human being on the planet has already used this, because it's a part of the human condition. It's built into us. When we were children, we all played with this idea of pretending to be Superman, or Batman, or Wonder Woman, or a fireman, or a cowboy, or a nurse, or a teacher, or our favorite hockey player, or football player, or basketball player, “I’m going to go out there and be Michael Jordan.” That was you tapping into something that's innate, and then what happens? We start to grow up and we hear things like, “You got to start acting your age,” or “You just need to grow up.” 

We start to internalize growing up, meaning, “Oh! Me playing with those ideas is childish.” No. No. No. There’s a difference between childish and childlike. If people would actually approach a lot more of their life childlike, they would be a lot more playful, they would probably take it a lot easier on themselves and they would start exploring more of themselves and what they can do, because that’s what we always did as a kid. 

So this is not about handing people a brand-new idea. I say it in the book, this is about me causing people to remember something that's already inside of you, and in some cases almost giving people the permission to start doing it again, because you're not strange, you're not weird, you're simply joining a tribe of people that have been doing this for a very long time and helping them to achieve things that other people get amazed by. 

[00:45:58] MB: So for listeners who want to concretely start implementing this in their lives, what would be one piece of homework that you would give them as an action step to begin that journey?


[00:46:09] TH: Yeah. I mean, I’ll give them a couple here. So one is just define which field of play that it makes the most sense for you to possibly play with this idea for, and the easiest place to go to is what area of your life right now are you most frustrated with? It's so easy for people to think of in the context of say, media business and going out there and crushing it or whatever it is, but maybe actually it's with relationships, or its with your home life, or it’s with health and fitness, or whichever, but just first start with one field of play. Don't build out nine alter egos. Start with one to start playing with this idea, okay? So that’s step number one. 

Step number two, what are the traits that you most want to be bringing out there? When you think of like what would really help you succeed in that area. Are the things that you admire in other people, you’re like, “Oh! I wish I had that.” That's a signal. That's a signal of your creative imagination trying to nudge you in a certain way. 

So what would be those traits that you'd most like to bring out into that field? Okay? Is there anyone or anything that already embodies that right now? When you think of a favorite character from a book, like a fictional character or a nonfiction character that happened in history or something like that, is there someone that you'd most like to – Or that you're really drawn to? So that we can create form and shape. 

I mean, a big part of how our minds work is we’re storytelling machines constantly, right? By tapping into an existing story that's already been written because of someone else's life or in nature – I mean, Kobe Bryant, that's exactly what he did with the black mamba. I tell the story of how he came up with the black mamba and where he was inspired to get that idea from a movie that he was watching. 

So that kind of second step is where the superpowers or those traits you most want to start showing up that’s going to help you succeed. Is there anyone or anything that already has them to give you a better idea? Then as another step, is there anything that you could use then to help activate that, those superhero qualities or those traits out there? Like I did with glasses, or I did with the helmet, or other people have used bracelets, or wristbands in sport, or it could be your favorite shirt, it could be a uniform that you always wear, which is an extremely popular device that specially people in the tech space have used, weather it’s Steve Jobs, or Zuckerberg. That’s you being very intentional now about who and what is now showing up, because it’s that final moment where we’re, “Hey, when these glasses go on –” What ended up happening, Matt, was the arms of your glasses, they slide across your temple as you’re putting them on. After a while of doing this – Because I was being so intentional about how I was about to show up. It was almost like a switch was being flicked on and off when I took off the glasses. I was moving into a different self. But when I put them on, that switch was being flicked and I was stepping into that very specific self-built to help go and win on that field. 

[00:49:13] MB: Great pieces of homework and great advice. Todd, for our listeners who want to find you, your work, the book, etc., online, what's the best place for them to do that? 

[00:49:23] TH: Well, they can go to alteregoeffect.com, and we have like the links to all the different places around the world that you could buy it. Again, more information, some videos on there for people to read. My home base on the internet is toddherman.me. You can maybe learn more about me if you needed to, or see the other stuff that we've got going on, and of course all my social kind of links are on there too. 

[00:49:43] MB: Well, Todd, thank you so much for coming on the show, for sharing all these wisdom. Some really interesting strategies, great stories, and really practical ways to implement this. 

[00:49:54] TH: Thanks, Matt. Super appreciate it. 

[00:49:55] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you, our listeners, master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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Remember, the greatest compliment you can give us is a referral to a friend either live or online. If you enjoyed this episode, please leave us an awesome review and subscribe on iTunes because that helps boost the algorithm, that helps us move up the iTunes rankings and helps more people discover the Science of Success. 

Don't forget, if you want to get all the incredible information we talked about in the show, links transcripts, everything we discussed and much more, be sure to check out our show notes. You can get those at successpodcast.com, just hit the show notes button right at the top. 

Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.


February 07, 2019 /Lace Gilger
Emotional Intelligence, High Performance
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The Simple 20 Minute Exercise That Rewires Your Brain For Happiness with Dr. Dan Siegel

January 10, 2019 by Lace Gilger in Emotional Intelligence

In this episode we look at how to live a healthy, happy, successful life - from the inside out. We explore what it means to have an “integrated” brain, look at lessons across vastly different scientific disciplines, and share the accessible, simple strategy you can use in 20 minutes to integrate the most important learnings from scientific research to create an integrated brain, body, and mind - to improve your health, happiness, wellbeing and success with our guest Dr. Dan Siegel. 

Dr. Dan Siegel is a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine and the founding co-director of the Mindful Awareness Research Center at UCLA. He is a multi-best-selling author and award-winning educator and a Distinguished Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association. His work has taken him across the globe to work with individuals such as the King of Thailand, Pope John Paul II, and The Dalai Lama.

  • What is integration? What does it mean to live a fully connected life?

  • Different parts can be honored for their differences and then linked and connected and allowed to communicate with one another

  • The linking of different integrated parts - is the fundamental way a complex system optimizes functioning - the way it “self organizes” 

  • An optimally integrated organism or organization is in a state of harmony, a state of flow, a state of health

  • A healthy life, a successful life, a happy life comes from being integrated

  • The opposite of integration is either Chaos or Rigidity 

  • “The harmonious flow of integration” 

  • Dan comes at the questions of happiness and successful lives from a wholistic integrated perspective across any and all scientific fields  “interpersonal neurobiology”

  • A healthy mind is both integrated within - inside your body - and integration between - integration between other people and the planet 

  • Even if academic disciplines silo themselves - reality is 

  • Reality is one giant interconnected whole

  • What is the mind? 

  • When you really look at the science and the data - it’s impossible to separate any one aspect of reality from any other aspect - including you! 

  • How do we merge the critical ideas across a wide array of academic disciplines to form a coherent view of reality and solve our toughest problems?

  • The common ground across any field or discipline is the flow of energy and information 

  • Information.. IN FORMATION - information is just energy in a certain configuration that gives it context and meaning - information is meaning embedded via energy patterns 

  • How is the MIND part of the system of energy and information flow in reality and the world as a whole?

  • “Emergence” - the essence of a complex system is that it interacts with itself and self organizes 

  • How complex systems unfold over time 

  • Over 3000 studies supporting the notion that health emerges from having your brain, body, and relationships be “integrated systems” - and unearth manifests as chaos and rigidity

  • Huge amounts of research support the idea that integration in the brain is the best predictor of wellbeing 

  • 3 Pillar Training - how to integrate the brain to be healthier and happier - how to live in harmony instead of chaos 

  • How a journey to Namibia completely redefined Dan’s relationship to success and happiness 

  • “My people are happy because we belong, we belong to one another and our community and we belong to earth."

  • Do you feel like you belong? Does our society today foster a sense of belonging? 

  • This powerful story about a sense of belonging ties into the science of the mind and the brain - the “embodied brain” and the “relational” mind 

  • What is the self? What is the mind? Does the mind exist, as the source of your self, inside your skin encased body? Is that it?

  • You also have a relational self that is equally as important as your individualized self 

  • “From Me to We” is wrong - it’s Me AND We! Its “Mwe"

  • An integrated self is like a candle - its the wax and the light - the wax of the body and the light of your relationships 

  • Skull and Skin don’t limit the flow of energy from the mind - its more than that - it’s beyond that. The system of the mind is energy and information flow inside your body AND outside your body - in the world, in the energy and information you share with others, with the world, and beyond. 

  • The 3 Pillar Training is what research tells us - from studies across the last 15 years - that if you train your mind with 3 fundamentally practical steps 

  • Focused attention, sustained on something, and letting go of distraction 

    1. Open awareness - letting the mind unfold

    2. Kindness, compassion, loving kindness - honor your interconnected nature with kind regard - “Kind Intention” 

  • By cultivating the 3 pillars you develop neuroplastic changes in your brain - changes in the physical structure of your brain - to create meaningful integration for the brain 

  • The five things that 3 Pillar Training does for your body and your healthspan

  • Reducing tress and reducing cortisol

    1. Improves immune funciton 

    2. Optimizes cardiovascular factors (enhanced vagal tone)

    3. Reduces inflammation by changing the epigenetic regulators of your genes 

    4. Optimization of your Telomeres that slows your aging process and extends your health span 

    5. Plus.. integrating the brain

  • This science has been established in some of the most rigorous peer reviewed journals in the world 

  • Results from study on over 10,000 people using the “Wheel of Awareness” training and how it can create massive positive impact on your life 

  • Integration is the basis of wellbeing in your body, mind, and relationships 

  • The accessible, simple strategy you can use in 20 minutes to integrate the most important learnings from scientific research to create an integrated brain, body, and mind - to improve your health, happiness, wellbeing and success.

  • Homework: Take the Wheel of Awareness on Dan’s website (linked in the show notes) - most efficient, effective, science based, multi-disciplinary thing you can bring into your life . It’s wholly grounded in science and its accessible for you to do anywhere. 

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Thank you so much for listening!

Please SUBSCRIBE and LEAVE US A REVIEW on iTunes! (Click here for instructions on how to do that).

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We’re proud to announce that this week’s episode of The Science of Success is brought to you by our partners at Athletic Greens!

Athletic Greens is offering our listeners 
20 FREE TRAVEL PACKS, a $79 value, with your first purchase when you go to www.athleticgreens.com/success.

Start this year off with a new incredibly impactful and easy to maintain healthy habit with Athletic Greens. The fact is, the perfect diet doesn't exist, and ultimately falls short due to a busy lifestyle, travel schedule or restrictive diets. That's why Athletic Greens packs in 75 whole food sourced ingredients and covers you in 5 key areas of health, making it one of the most comprehensive supplements on the market.

Show Notes, Links, & Research

  • [Book] Consilience: The Unity of Knowledge by E. O. Wilson

  • [Book] The Telomere Effect: A Revolutionary Approach to Living Younger, Healthier, Longer by Dr. Elizabeth Blackburn and Dr. Elissa Epel

  • [Website] Mindsight Institute

  • [Personal Site] Dr. Dan Siegel

  • [Resource] Wheel of Awareness

  • [Book] Aware: The Science and Practice of Presence--The Groundbreaking Meditation Practice by Dr. Daniel Siegel M.D.

  • [Video] Guided Meditiation with Dan Siegel (Wheel of Awareness)

Episode Transcript


[0:00:00.6] MB: Welcome everybody. Today's episode is brought to you by our amazing sponsor Athletic Greens. I've used Athletic Greens for years to make sure that I'm on top of my game. I'm sure you've heard about it from other experts as well, like Tim Ferriss, or even previous Science of Success guests, like Michael Gervais.

Athletic Greens is the best of the best, all in one whole food supplement on the market. In fact, one scoop of Athletic Greens is the equivalent of 12 servings of fruits and vegetables. Developed over 10 years by a team of doctors and nutritionists, using 75 Whole Foods sourced ingredients, Athletic Greens helps you fuel up with energy, boost your immunity, supports digestion and gut health, helps you manage stress and promote healthy aging with adaptogens and antioxidants and much more.

Athletic Greens replaces the fistful of supplements you may be taking now and adds the critical nutritional support you need all in just one easy scoop. Athletic Greens has been kind enough to put together a special deal just for Science of Success listeners. They're giving 20 free travel packs, which is valued at $79 when you make your first purchase. That's available if you go to athleticgreens.com/success. That's athleticgreens.com/success.

Start 2019 off right and create an epic shift in your health this year by ordering some Athletic Greens. Go to athleticgreens.com/success and claim your special offer today. That's athleticgreens.com/success.

[0:01:42.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[0:01:50.4] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success, the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than three million downloads and listeners in over a hundred countries.

In this episode, we look at how to live a healthy, happy, successful life from the inside out. We explore what it means to have an integrated brain, look at lessons across vastly different scientific disciplines and share the accessible, simple strategy you can use in 20 minutes to integrate the most important learnings from scientific research to create an integrated brain, body and mind, to improve your health, happiness, well-being and success, with our guest Dr. Dan Siegel.

Do you need more time? Time for work, time for thinking and reading, time for the people in your life, time to accomplish your goals? This was the number one problem our listeners outlined and we created a new video guide that you can get completely for free when you sign up and join our e-mail list. It's called How You Can Create Time for the Things That Really Matter in Life. You can get it completely for free when you sign up and join the e-mail list at successpodcast.com.

You're also going to get exclusive content that's only available to our e-mail subscribers. We recently pre-released an episode in an interview to our e-mail subscribers a week before it went live to our broader audience and that had tremendous implications, because there is a limited offer in there with only 50 available spots that got eaten up by the people who were on the e-mail list first.

With that same interview, we also offered an exclusive opportunity for people on our e-mail list to engage one-on-one for over an hour with one of our guests in a live exclusive interview just for e-mail subscribers. There's some amazing stuff that's available only to e-mail subscribers that's only going on if you subscribe and sign up to the e-mail list. You can do that by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the home page.

Or if you're driving around right now, if you're out and about and you're on the go, you don't have time, just text the word “smarter” to the number 44-222. That's S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44-222.

In our previous episode, we showed you how to solve any problem in your life using a simple no-risk tool that you could start with right now. We dug into why you get stuck on problems and how we often deceive ourselves. We talked about why reasons are often a ruse and how they can become dangerous once they turn into excuses. All of that and much more in our previous interview with our guest, Dr. Bernard Roth. If you want to crush any problem that's been holding you back, listen to that episode.

Now, for our interview with Dan.

[0:04:45.4] MB: Today, we have another exciting guest on the show, Dr. Dan Siegel. Dan is a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine and the founding co-director of the Mindful Awareness Research Center at UCLA. He's a multi best-selling author and award-winning educator and a distinguished fellow of the American Psychiatric Association. His work has taken him across the globe to work with individuals, such as the king of Thailand, the Pope, the Dalai Lama and more. Dan, welcome to the Science of Success.

[0:05:14.6] DS: Matt, it's a pleasure to be here with you.

[0:05:16.5] MB: Well, we're very excited to have you on the show today and to get into some of the fascinating stuff that you talk about. I'd love to begin and open with this idea of integration. You talk and have written and spoken a lot about the idea of integration. What does it mean to live a truly connected life?

[0:05:31.8] DS: Yeah, well that word is a really great one to start with, Matt, because it's a simple process where things that are different, or unique, or special within whatever focus we're looking at; let's say, it could be your brain inside your skull, it could be your whole body including its brain, it could be a relationship between two people and a close emotional relationship, or it could be a family, or even a company you might work in. Whatever the system is, the idea is different parts can be honored for their differences and then linked, or connected, or allowed to be having communication with one another.

This way that you maintain differences and even cultivate them, nurture them, while also establishing connections, it doesn't have a formal term in mathematics, but it's something we can call integration. That linking of differentiated parts turns out to be the fundamental way, what's called a complex system, which is a certain system; the way it optimizes its, function the way it has what's called self-organization. A complex systems optimal self-organization creates basically harmony, a flexible adaptive state of flow.

When it's in that state, we can say it's in the state of health. There's a lot of reasons over the years of the last 25 years that I've been writing about this, to show that health, a healthy life, a successful life, a happy life come from integration. The science of that is absolutely fascinating. When that's not happening, you go to either chaos, or you go to rigidity. It's like a river. One bank is the bank of chaos, where things are completely unpredictable and overwhelming, it's out of control.

Or the other bank outside of this is more harmonious flow of integration, is the bank of rigidity, where things are completely predictable. They have this dullness to them, they're unchanging, they're inflexible. Those two banks, it turns out describe whether it's an individual, his or her life, or it’s family, or a company, or a nation, or even the world. You can look at chaos and rigidity as being a sign of things not going well. They're not successfully unfolding. They're not happy. They're not healthy. Those are all impairments to integration that are revealing themselves as chaos or rigidity and not the harmony that comes with the well-being of integration.

[0:08:10.6] MB: Tell me more about this idea that a healthy, successful, happy life comes from being integrated.

[0:08:17.3] DS: Well, it's such an interesting thing. When it first started emerging in the early 90s, I'm a scientist as well as a clinician. Of course, I'm a person, but also in different roles as a son, a brother, or a father, a husband, all these different things I am, I started wandering across all those roles. How do you're successful in any of those things? What's the science of success? What's the way that you go beyond just what people might tell you, but actually think, “Gosh, is there a fundamental unity of what ties those together across all those roles we play in our lives?”

It turns out that through a long line of deep reasoning about the various sciences, and I work in a field called interpersonal neurobiology, where we combine every discipline of science for example, math and physics, chemistry, biology, of course including neuroscience, genetics, medicine, things like that, psychology, sociology, linguistics, anthropology, all those scientific fields. What we do in our framework, interpersonal neurobiology, is we combine them all together.

If you're looking at, let's say an individual life, like I do as a psychotherapist, I bring the lens of interpersonal neurobiology into my work, so that I'm offering first of all, a definition of the mind, which is very useful to have if you're a mind therapist. I can get into that later, but a healthy mind, basically a mind that creates success and well-being is a mind that's creating integration within. Integration inside your body and integration between, which is integration in the relationship of the body you're born into with other people and the planet. You can go step by step through any of those areas; the internal world and the relational world and identify when relationships, let's say with other people, when are they integrated, when are they not?

We can talk through the details of that, but when you just basically use this scientific framework, it's amazing how useful it is to first of all, clarify what success and happiness really mean, then to be able to measure it scientifically, then also to be able to an intervention when things aren't going well. When you're stuck on that bank of chaos or rigidity, how do you know that that's happening and then what do you do to get yourself back into the main flow of harmony? That's the overall view of the relationship of integration to success and well-being.

[0:10:55.5] MB: I think that this multidisciplinary approach that you have is fantastic. It's so important to approach problems from any and all angles. No academic disciplines exist in a silo.

[0:11:07.0] DS: Exactly. Well, that's right. I mean, they function as silos, but when you look at the nature of reality, like the old Indian fable of the blind man and the elephant. There's a whole elephant, even though a given blind man may just – may only study one part, like the toe, or the tail, or the ear, or something.

You're right, the whole elephant does exist, even if the blind men are separate. Even if the disciplines tend to silo themselves. They shouldn't be siloed, because the reality they're trying to study actually is a non-siloed reality. Would you agree with that, Matt?

[0:11:43.1] MB: Yeah, absolutely. That's what I meant. Obviously, they exist today in many instances and silos, but it's so refreshing to see somebody whose approach is so broad and integrated and cross-disciplinary.

[0:11:54.1] DS: Yes. Thank you. Well, thank you. I really, really appreciate that. It's an interesting space to work in and try to really maintain, because of course, in the university life, there’s a beautiful book called Concilience by EO Wilson, which points out how the –

[0:12:11.6] MB: Great book.

[0:12:13.1] DS: Yeah. You like that book, huh? It's the economic psychological and political structure of a university encourages silos and a lack of collaboration and cross-disciplinary work and also just thinking. It's a beautiful book. I agree with you totally. In that approach basically, when I used to be full-time at the university, I found it so intriguing, this is way before Wilson wrote the book, but I was living the life of what was later write about, that when I brought a bunch of scientists together, how you could address a simple question like what is the connection between the mind and the brain? That was the one question we were going to address.

We had 40 scientists that I had invited into a collective discussion about it. There was very little agreement. I had to try to find ultimately what Wilson would call a concilient view. I didn't have a word for it. I would just call it common ground or something, what could let’s say an anthropologist and a neuroscientist, just use two examples, what can a neuroscientist and an anthropologist in the room use as a common ground vocabulary, where the concepts and the methodologies that they use in their siloed approaches don't really overlap, but could you squint your eyes in a way to see what was in common across them?

What I did was have these 40 scientists. It was an emotional experience, because they were all my either teachers or friends or colleagues or whatever and they were all in the room and we had this one question, what's the connection between the mind and the brain? I needed to, because they weren't getting along. After the first meeting, really developed this concilient attitude and saying like, “What if everyone is correct? What if all the blind men are correct? Could we offer a big picture of you, so you say yes anthropology, you're correct. The mind is a relational thing. Yes, neuroscience you're correct. The mind comes from brain activity and everyone in between.” They're both correct.

Now when we first got together, they couldn't see any way to see that they are both direct, because there were a lot of argument and a lot of very uncomfortable feelings in the room. In the second meeting when I had to bring a view of what the mind might be – actually, there was no definition of the mind, short of brain activity, or something that was very vaguely described. The definition of the mind that I ended up offering turned out to be a concilient statement that allowed us to meet for four and a half years.

I really learned a lot from my colleagues about the importance of honoring different disciplines and understanding how hard the work they do is. Yet for me as a therapist and someone trying to put this, what we called, ultimately called interpersonal neurobiology framework together; it was really important to see if you could find common ground, so that we could collaborate with each other. Now we have over 75 text books that I've edited in the field of interpersonal neurobiology. I'm the founding editor of the Norton series in that field.

It's been a beautiful journey to say you could recognize the importance of cross-disciplinary thinking to bring all of the sciences together, even though it's a hard space to do, because you get people maybe getting a little irritated sometimes, or wondering why you're not just sticking with their discipline, because their discipline is better than the other discipline. I mean, so you really have to be very politically astute and scientifically on your toes, because you really want to respect the individuality of each discipline. You're also creating this concilient framework that says hey, everybody is important. Not just one person. That sometimes, it has to be in the front of your mind as you do the work.

[0:16:21.8] MB: There's so many different ways that we can unpack that. One of the underlying principles that I think is really important to expound upon as this notion that the reason it's so important to have a concilient approach is that reality is one interconnected whole. We think it's easy to divide it up into silos and disciplines and even ourselves as something separate from it and yet, when you really look at the hard science and the data and the reality of it, it's actually nearly impossible to truly separate any one thing from anything else.

[0:16:55.2] DS: Exactly. Well Matt, that's exactly the point. The common ground that felt at the time worth proposing to these 40 scientists, and when I came back in the second meeting and there was a 100% agreement that we could go with this proposal. I was floored, because you can't get academics to agree on even what to have for lunch.

They would agree on this fundamental notion. Basically, it came from a walk on the beach and it's very simply, it's the idea that if you were studying the beach and a university required you to either be a water specialist, or a sand specialist and you said, “Hey, but I'm interested in the whole coast.” They go, “No, you have to choose. Is it water, or is it sand?” You go, “But the coast is both.” They wouldn't let you do it. You would be a water specialist, or a sand specialist and you never really see the coast.

The coast is made up of sand and sea. In a similar way I thought, “Well, if an anthropologist is correct and a neuroscientist is correct, what could be the thing shared in culture that is shared in neural circuitry?” The simple common ground, now we would call concilient possibility is that it's energy and information flow. A culture is filled with the sharing of energy and information flow in this embedded way that we call culture.

When you study neuroscience, basically its energy and information flow streaming among the interconnected cells, the neurons and other cells inside your skull. The common ground there is the flow of energy and information. It can take different forms in those different locations. One is electrochemical energy flow, that when it's in certain patterns is in formation. It's having a symbolic capacity of meaning, but the same is true with culture. We have sounds that could be like this [inaudible 0:19:05.3]; pure energy, but then we can have billboards on the road. Or if you go into a restroom in a hotel in a certain culture, you see in the men's room a diaper changing table. Well, that's a cultural message. Get your act together men. You're responsible for changing your baby's diapers.

That's a simple example of energy and information flow. It's a little sign on top of a diaper changing table in the restroom that is embedding meaning, which is what information is through energy patterns; in this case, the light that you would be seeing this object in the bathroom. That view then says, well energy information flow is what's shared in neuroscience and anthropology. Then it turns out that every different discipline could use that. Then you say well, what's the mind part of that? How is the mind a part of a system, which is embodied and relational energy and information flow?

Then that's where you get into this idea of complex systems, which are open and capable of being chaotic and what's called nonlinear, which means a small input leads to large and difficult to predict results. That view of energy information flow being the essential element of a complex system, led me to really look back in the early 90s to the properties of complex systems. One of those properties is just called emergence that the essence of the system is interacting with itself, like water molecules and air molecules in a cloud. It gives rise to something that's called emergence.

Emergence is a real property in our universe of complex systems. One of those emergent phenomena is called self-organization. It's how this complex system regulates its own becoming, without a conductor or organizer. Just is a part of the probability theory, systems theory, complexity theory, understanding of how complex systems unfold over time. What I thought was when you look at the properties of self-organization, the self-organizing, fundamental aspect of a complex system, when it's optimizing that functioning, it’s differentiating and linking. In math, they don't have a name for that, but we're just going to name that integration.

When it's not balancing the linkage of differentiated parts, as we mentioned earlier, it goes to chaos or rigidity. That's straight from complexity theory. Then I thought back in 1992, wow, what if one aspect of the mind beyond subjective experience and consciousness and information processing, which are common descriptors, what if there's a definition, a fourth facet of the mind, which goes like this? The embodied and relational, so that's a location within the body and between the body and the world around it. The embodied and relational, emergent self-organizing, so we're saying it's a part of a complex system, the emerge and self-organizing process, so it's a verb not a noun.

What's this process doing? It's a self-organizing process that is regulating the flow of energy and information. That's the definition I brought to the group. I said, maybe the system of mind is energy and information flow. It’s embodied and relational, and maybe one facet of this multifaceted mind is self-organization. Every one of the 40 people raise their hand, “I can go with that.” We met on to meet for all these years.

It was absolutely fascinating that with that definition, you could then predict back in 1992 that future research, which didn't exist at the time, if it came around, would show that health emerges from integrated systems, whether that's in the brain, or the whole body, or relationships. That unhealth would manifest as chaos or rigidity and would be emerging from a impaired integration. So far, every study that's ever been done, I have 16 interns work with me to revise my first textbook into its third edition, I say, find something that goes against this.

We've reviewed 3,000 articles. I’m not going through them all, so I could tell you it's a lot of work. Everything supports the notion. We wouldn't say it's proven, but supports it that every study of the brain of someone with a major psychiatric condition has impaired integration. Every study of well-being shows that integration in the brain is the best predictor of well-being. When you look at interventions, like mindfulness practice, or doing these ways you train the mind to be compassionate and open and focused, I call it three-pillar training. Those are the three pillars of compassion training, or kind intention training, open awareness training and focused attention training.

This three-pillar training basically integrates the brain in exactly the ways that certain situations, like trauma impair the growth of the brain. We can go into the details Matt if you want, but that's just an overview to address your question of where do we go with the interdisciplinary view. To me, it's just an incredibly exciting moment, because these hypotheses from 92, now over 25 years later, have all been supported. We can't find anything to go against it.

Then you could do interventions like this thing called the wheel of awareness, where you integrate consciousness and get these really magnificent windows into not just the nature of the mind, but how to create a healthy mind and a successful life of well-being.

[0:24:46.8] MB: I want to unpack a lot of these different pieces. I definitely want to dig into this idea that the mind is embodied and also relational. I want to talk about three pillar training. I want to talk about the wheel of awareness. Before we get into any of those, to contextualize this a little bit more, I want to hear your story about your experience in Namibia.

[0:25:06.2] DS: Yeah. Well, our institute is called the Mindsight Institute. For years when I was in medical school in the 70s, I noticed that my teachers didn't sense the mind and that is they treated people like bags of chemicals. It was very strange. I dropped out of school for a while. Before I came back, I made up this word mindsight for how we see the mind. You have physical site, where you see things like chemicals, or the body, or whatever. Then this mindsight, it's a different system.

Flash forward many years, we became very interested here at the Mindsight Institute as to whether other cultures that represent in some ways, not the influence of contemporary culture, would they have words that try to communicate about the inner nature of our subjective experience, or what we're aware of? That would be how you'd look at the insight capacity of a person to have mindsight, and then how they would use that for empathy. These are two of the three aspects of mindsight. Mindsight is insight into your own mind, empathy to understand the mind of another and integration. The third thing is to honor differences to promote linkages. It's basic kindness and compassion and love really.

We went to Namibia, because there was some reason to believe that genetically some of the ancestors of the group that was the originally the homo sapiens who were the originators of all human beings were there in Namibia. There's some other views these days, but that was the line of reasoning then. We went to Namibia and we went out to different tribal groups and we had the good fortune of being able have a translator with us and interviewed the villagers to see if they used mindsight language. Indeed they did.

That's why we went and it was a really exciting thing. If there was any way to get close to the original ancestors of all of us, we were there. It was a beautiful thing. One evening around the campfire, we were just hanging out with the villagers and I asked the translator to ask one of the villagers a question, because there was a drought there and there was a famine and there was a lot of disease and there was a lot of poverty and people were appearing really, really happy.

It was perplexing from a contemporary cultural view of the importance of material comfort that we associate with what we think success and happiness is. I see a lot of miserable people with a lot of stuff here in the contemporary world, but there we were in Namibia with all these challenges to material comfort, but basically very happy.

The translator says, “You want me to ask this guy if he's happy?” I said, “Yeah. If he's happy, why is he happy?” “You want me to ask him why he’s happy?” I said, “Yeah, please.” He asked the villagers the question. The villager says to me, I will never forget. He says in his language and it's translated back into English for me, he says, “My people are happy, because we belong. We belong to one another in our community and we belong to earth.” There was this silence and I felt incredibly grateful for the response and then this wave of sadness came over me about just thinking about back home in the United States.

Then the villager asked the translator a question who translates it for me and he says, “He wants to know if where you come from, do you belong and are you happy?” I thought about how much misery there is where we are. I said, “There is a lot of experience of not belonging and there is a lot of unhappiness, even though there's a lot of relatively. There's food. There's not the disease you're facing. We have water. I mean, there's a lot of unhappiness and people don't feel successful and they're on this ladder to try to get more successful and more stuff and more of this, more of that.”

We just all stared at each other. That moment has really stuck with me. The whole notion of belonging relates directly to what we're talking about, the mind being both embody and relational. It raised for me back then when I was in Namibia, a deep – it's a question, but it's really like an emotional question thing. What is the self? What it was itself really? My next book is all about this that I'm just starting. This idea of in contemporary culture, we tend to think of the self as your body, or since the time of Hippocrates, you say the mind is just brain activity, or neuroscientists certainly reaffirm that.

That places the mind as the source of self inside your skin and case body. I think there's just something fundamentally limiting about that, if not outright wrong, that this villager was really describing the idea of belonging to community and belonging to earth. Since then, a lot of the workshops I do and the connections I have with – I consider people coming to workshops my colleagues. We're all in this journey together trying to learn. The whole notion of an integrated self would be where yes, you have a body and the body is an I or me, it's an internal locus of your – location of your mind, of yourself.

You also have a relational self that's different. It's differentiated, but it's equally as important and yet, it's not really a focus of what we often do in contemporary culture. It's all about I, me, mine; this internal thing. A relational self will be like an us, or a we.

I started teaching these lectures called from me to we, which sounds cool, it rhymes. One of my online students had come for this in-person workshop and she got really angry at me very appropriately and she said, “I'm really mad at you.” I said, “What are you mad about?” She goes, “The title of your talk.” I said, “What's wrong with my title?” She goes, “It's me to we.” I said, “Well, what's wrong with that? We is important.” She goes, “Yeah, I know we is important, but why get rid of me?”

I go, “Oh, my God. You're right.” She goes, “Shouldn't I be exercising my body?” I go, “Yeah.” She goes, “Shouldn't I be understanding my personal history and where I came from and my relationship with my parents, parenting me inside out approach?” I said yes. “Shouldn't I sleep well?” I said, “Of course, you do all these things.” She goes, “Isn't that all the internal experience?” I said, “Yes, it is.” She goes, “Why would you want to dop me?” I said, “You shouldn't.” She goes, “Well, come up with another name.” I said, “Okay, well how about not only limited to an internal me, but also extended to a relational we?” She goes, “That doesn't rhyme at all.”

I said, “Okay, okay. If you can integrate itself, it would need to be a candle.” Now I'd say this is like a candle is both the wax and the light. You're going to be the wax of your body as a me, but the light of your relationships which is a we. If you integrate that, you maintain both somehow. “Me plus we equals mwe,” I said to her. She was very excited about it.

I've been using we mwe, M-W-E as the simple three-letter word. We've been getting all sorts of other foreign languages born from English, other languages to come up with their own version, like you don’t know it’s in Spanish and things like that. It's been fun, because mwe allows you to have your internal experience, but also puts right into the word the relational identity as a we;  me plus we equals mew. That's what came from Namibia.

I was realizing that belonging and not just fitting in, but actually belonging where you're maintaining your me, but you really are part of a we, so you're a mwe, is I think for me the, or from mwe, it is the way the belonging lesson from Namibia has come through in what I'm working on now.

[0:33:13.2] MB: Clarifying this for the listeners and making sure that I understand it as well, this idea of the relational self; in a very real and scientific sense is the notion that our minds are composed of and one aspect are relationships with others and with the world as well, is that correct?

[0:33:30.0] DS: Absolutely. When you put the mind as this embody and relational, emergent process is coming from energy and information flow, then basically what you do is with that view, you realize skull and skin don't limit that flow. It's an artificial divide to put the mind and the self, which I think comes from the mind to limit that by your skull or by your skin.

The system is energy and information flow just as you're saying Matt, it's inside your body and underscore and, it is also in the energy information flow you are sharing from the body you’re born into, so you do have an internal me for sure. We're not denying that. You have a relationship with other people and the nature around you, which just to make it to piece, we'll call that the planet. It's people in the planet is the connection that creates your relational self. It's really an interconnectedness.

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[0:35:53.5] MB: Let's dig into the three-pillar training that you talked about before. I'm starting to understand the importance of being integrated and how that can make us live in harmony and be much healthier and happier. How do we really implement that into our lives and start to become more integrated individuals?

[0:36:10.5] DS: Yeah. Well, I think the question you're asking is so important, because these – while these concepts are scientifically grounded and all these things in the science books, developing mind and other books I read are trying to review the science, you really want the practical application of it.

I wrote this book Aware to extend these ideas that are summarized in also a book called Mind, just as a journey book, to understand it to say well, could there be a book that teaches a person exactly how to do this? Mindsight is a book which gives you stories of what people have done across their different domains of integration, so we want to recognize that. One of the first domains a person should work with of those nine is the domain of consciousness, of your awareness.

The three-pillar training is basically that you're asking about is what research tells us in the studies that have been done over the last let's say 15 years, that if you train your mind with three fundamentally practical steps; the first is to develop focused attention, where you sustain attention on something and when your mind gets distracted you learn to let go of the distraction and redirect your attention back to the intended focus. That's focused attention, number one.

Number two is called open awareness. The second pillar of open awareness means you're opening the mind to be just letting whatever unfolds unfold. I'll give you a visual image of this in a moment, that I think helps it become clear. That's open awareness training.

The third has various names. Some people call it kindness training, compassion training, love and kindness training. There's all sorts of names for it, but they're all basically similar. It's to honor our interconnected nature with a kind regard. Because that's an intentional state, I just call it kind intention training.

Those are the three pillars; kind intention, to develop this positive approach to one's inner life or the life of others, open awareness to open up awareness to whatever arises and be present for that and focused attention, to learn to focus attention, sustain it and redirect it when you're distracted. Let's just call that three-pillar training. It overlaps with what some people would call mindfulness training. Other people say, “No, no. It's not mindfulness training. It's compassion plus mindfulness training.” Other people would say, “No, it's this and that.”

Just knowing those researchers who named it different things and looking for the consilience, I just call it three-pillar training and everyone's happy. It's three-pillar mind training. What does the research show? Research shows just to start with the science, that if you do the three-pillar mind training, you actually will cultivate integration in your brain. I mean, I can go through the parts of the brain that get more integrated, but basically, you're going to develop what's called neuroplastic changes. Neuroplasticity is just how you change the structure inside your head, the brain in response to experience and you're basically directing these mind training experiences to in the three-pillar ways that integrate the brain.

That's awesome, because every form of regulation that's responsible for a successful, happy and resilient life depend on integration of the brain. That's regulating attention, emotion, mood, thought, memory, behavior, morality, relationality, all that depends on integration of the brain and these areas are integrated with three-pillar practice. That's awesome.

Then you also with three-pillar training, in terms of health of the body and a successful health span is what it's called, here are the five things that three-pillar training has been shown to do. These are number one, it reduces stress or lowers the stress hormone cortisol. That's a good thing. Number two, it improves immune function, so you can fight off infection. That's a good thing. Number three, it optimizes cardiovascular factors, like lowering cholesterol, lowering blood pressure, improving the way the heart and the brain in the head communicate with each other; some people call that enhanced vagal tone. It does that. That's number three.

Number four, it reduces inflammation by changing the epigenetic regulators that sit on top of your genes that control inflammation. That's good, because information can cause a lot of sometimes life-threatening illnesses. Then number five is the optimization of an enzyme called telomerase that is an enzyme that repairs and maintains the caps or telomeres of your chromosomes. Overall, this especially but all these things help you basically slow the aging process.

When I turned in the aware book for review from my colleagues who do this science, one of them Elissa Epel who wrote a beautiful book called The Telomere Effect with the Nobel prize-winning Elizabeth Blackburn who discovered the system, she said, “Dan, Dan. You turned the book in yet to the publisher?” I said, “No, not yet. It's going to printer in two days. What did I leave out?” She goes, “Oh, everything's great. The book is great, but you left out one thing.” I said, “Oh, my God. I thought I had to write another chapter.” She said, “No, no. You don't have to write another the chapter. You should need to say one thing, it slows the aging process.”
I said, “How can I say that as the world's expert in aging?” She goes, “Because Elizabeth and I have shown that, so you should say it.” They will see that in the book too. The idea here as wild as these five things of improving health and the brain changes, the sixth thing of integrating the brain, these are now established in some of the most rigorous peer-reviewed journals in the world, in terms of science.

Fortunately, I had developed years ago before these studies were done a practice called the wheel of awareness, which basically integrates consciousness by you can imagine a wheel putting the knowing of consciousness called being aware in the hub, and all the different knowns, like your first five senses of hearing and seeing, etc., on the first segment and then the interior signals of the body in the second segment; mental activities in the third and then our interconnected relationships in the fourth segment. You move a singular spoke around and then you even have a chance to bend the spoke around, or retract the spoke and explore the hub itself, the hub of awareness.

We've had over a million people stream this from our website. We give it away for free, so you just go there drdansiegel.com and do it. What's been so fascinating about it is as a scientist, I did this with my patients and they got better over all sorts of things. Anxiety got reduced. They could deal with traumas in a better way, things like that. My students who are therapists started it using it themselves and with their clients, they started finding improvements.

Then I did it systematically in a workshop setting with 10,000 people. I recorded the results and took those results and tried to find a consilient understanding of what's the science of consciousness that we could understand what the wheel of awareness is doing and how it might work?

In a nutshell, we can get into this, but the wheel has the three pillars right into it. The first two segments you're doing focused attention, the third segment you do open awareness and when you explore the hub itself. Then kind attention, you're developing the fourth segment. It's really fascinating, because it's an integration of consciousness practice that just fortunately by good whatever, fortunate it has what independently the individual studies that those are usually separate focused attention, open awareness and kind attention training, but it's all in one practice, so it helps get some research behind the individual practices.

Now I have a number of scientists are going to systematically study it, but in a 10,000-person study, you get a view of what the experience is and that has opened up a whole new way of thinking about the nature of mind and in consciousness and why integration is the basis of well-being in your body and in your relationships.

Anyway, that's what the three-pillar practice is. If you said, “Well, what can I do to bring this into my life?” If you just like doing a practice like that, you can go to our website and do it, or if you want to see the practice taught alongside the science being explored, then the book Aware teaches you how to do that. That's a first of nine domains. It's an important one and a good place for everyone to start.

[0:45:03.1] MB: Briefly, tell me a little bit about what that wheel of awareness, what does it actually mean or do? What is the process of going through it and how long does it take?

[0:45:11.2] DS: Yeah. It's a table in our office that then gets turned into just a visual image. No one wanted to call it the table, or no we don’t want to call it a wheel. It's an image. For some people like kids in school, they use it just as a drawing to know that the knowing can be in the hub, the knowns on the rim and you can just with that knowledge, it's amazing, you begin to transform how your behavior is. I have examples of how that happens.

For adults and adolescents, what's really useful is to use it as a reflective practice. What this means is that you can take time. It can take about 20 minutes, 20 to 30 minutes really. There's a shorter one that takes seven minutes, but I wouldn't recommend starting with that because you zip around the wheel. Give yourself the space to do a 20 to 30 minute practice. What it entails is sitting down, turning off your phone and/or if you're listening to my voice, you have the phone on airplane mode, but have it to our website. Then you can listen to me guide you through the steps.

You begin with the first five senses as you send yourself in the hub, put the spoke out to the first segment, you explore hearing and seeing, then you let seeing go, then you go to smell, taste, and touch. Then you move over and you explore the interior signals of the body. These are all energy patterns, either from the outside world on the first segment, or the interior of the body for the second segment. A very powerful way of sensing what's called interoception, really great source of intuition and wisdom.

Then you move the spoke over to the third segment and now you're moving from the focused attention training to open awareness. You invite anything in. This is for emotions or thoughts, memories, hopes, dreams, longings, desires, beliefs, all that stuff. Then you hit an advanced step, you can retract the spoke, or bend the spoke, or just leave the spoke in the hub and just experience what it's like to be aware of awareness itself. That's often a pretty profound experience for people.

Then you straighten the spoke out, move it over to your sense of connection to people physically close to you, more distant, people who live in your town, your city, your state, your country, the world, all living beings. Then you have statements of kind regard and that developed intention. It ends with the focus on the integrated self of a mew. That's basically the practice. What's absolutely amazing about it is now I've done it – I did it systematically with 10,000 people, recorded the results. Now I've done way more than that.

It's been accessible to people who've never done what you would call a formal meditation before, but when it's been done by very experienced meditators, people who run meditation centers or monasteries, they're very excited about how this integrates these three basic practices; focused attention, open awareness and kind attention into one streamlined practice. 

In terms of developing success in creating well-being in your life, you've got a practice you can start to do. Just like brushing your teeth, you do it on a regular basis and you have dental hygiene. This is a way of having life hygiene by doing a regular practice. It's been really rewarding just to get feedback on when people incorporate the wheel as a regular practice into their life, a reflective practice. Some would call it meditation. Meditation simply means training your mind. Yes, it's a reflective integration of consciousness practice that people are finding very useful. Every time you do it, it's different. It's very exciting to both learn about your mind and create a healthy mind.

[0:48:55.9] MB: That may be the answer to this next question, but what would be one first step action item piece of homework to give to the listeners to concretely start to implement the ideas and themes that we've talked about today?

[0:49:08.6] DS: Well, I would say the wheel of awareness from the feedback we have been getting is probably the most efficient and effective science-based, concilient thing you can bring into your life. That's just not from my own personal experience, so I found it useful, which I do. I mean, it's what I do regularly. It's so grounded in science, it comes from the simple idea of integrating consciousness and so accessible for you to do anywhere. You can do it if you're traveling, you can do it on the beach, you could do it in your home, you can do it in a closet, you can do it in a living room. I mean, it's a totally transportable process that becomes your own, and it's so supported by the science that you can rest assured that it's in careful studies when you do the three pillars individually, those practices will be good.

We'll see if maybe there's even a synergistic effect when you can get into one practice that has all three that are usually studied separately. That's going to be so exciting to see. At least from the initial reports, people are finding it incredibly – I mean, if I said the words empowering, enlivening, illuminating, I mean, it's very exciting. I would say the wheel of awareness. You can go to my website and just do it straight from there. We have all sorts of fun videos that you can see too that explore it and other things, book and audiobook and all sorts of ways, that if you do like to practice, you can learn more about it and make it woven into your life.

[0:50:43.0] MB: Again, for listeners who want to find you, want to find the wheel of awareness, want to find all of your work online, what is the best place for them to do that?

[0:50:49.9] DS: The website is the best place to start, which is drdansiegel.com. That's D-R-D-A-N-S-I-E-G-E-L.com. There you'll find a whole bunch of stuff. If you go to the resources tab, it'll take you straight to the wheel of awareness.

[0:51:07.8] MB: Well Dan, thank you so much for coming on the show, sharing all of this wisdom, so much knowledge across so many academic disciplines. I love the way that you've integrated everything. It is such a cohesive simple framework to be able to execute and start to implement to our lives, so that we can become more integrated whole individuals.

[0:51:26.6] DS: Beautiful. Well, thank you Matt. It's been a pleasure to be here with you. Thanks for having me onboard.

[0:51:31.1] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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Remember, the greatest compliment you can give us is a referral to a friend either live or online. If you enjoyed this episode, please leave us an awesome review and subscribe on iTunes because that helps boost the algorithm, that helps us move up the iTunes rankings and helps more people discover the Science of Success. 

Don't forget, if you want to get all the incredible information we talked about in the show, links transcripts, everything we discussed and much more, be sure to check out our show notes. You can get those at successpodcast.com. Just hit the show notes button right at the top. 

Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.


January 10, 2019 /Lace Gilger
Emotional Intelligence
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Stop Being Afraid To Be YOU - The Power of Bold Authenticity with Dr. Aziz Gazipura

November 29, 2018 by Lace Gilger in Emotional Intelligence

In this episode, we explore how you can confidently be yourself - even if you’re afraid of what other people may do or think. We discuss how our obsession with niceness and people pleasing is often a problem and share specific tools you can use to overcome it. We also talk about the power and importance of saying no - and the right way to do it so that you can move away from approval seeking and step into bold authenticity with our guest Dr. Aziz Gazipura. 

If you want to learn to be boldly authentic, crush anxiety, and stop people pleasing be sure to check out Dr. Aziz’s Confidence U by clicking here!!

Dr. Aziz Gazipura is a clinical psychologist and founder of The Center for Social Confidence, which is dedicated to helping others break through their shyness and social anxiety. He is the author of the #1 Amazon best-seller Not Nice: Stop People-Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself. Aziz’s work has helped thousands of people through workshops, coaching, media appearances, and more.

  • Do you struggle with people pleasing and being afraid to say no to people?

  • Should you stop being nice to people?

  • What’s the difference between being nice and behind kind?

  • Is the opposite of being nice being mean?

  • Niceness is rooted in fear, not in love and connection

  • Niceness is rooted in the idea that you want people to love you. 

  • A lot of the behaviors that we think are nice often come from fear, obligation, or guilt 

  • The opposite of niceness is BOLD AUTHENTICITY

  • Niceness is a way of being that is focused on “damage control”- being in a place of “safety mode” 

  • When we are focused on being nice our #1 priority is to focus on avoiding possible danger - making sure everyone is pleased 

  • If you didn’t care at all what people thought of you - would couldn’t have any relationships - you would be a sociopath

  • You don’t want the approval-seeking to dominate your actions and behaviors 

  • The “MVP Question” that can change your life

  • What do you want out of this situation?

    1. Not what you THINK you should do - but what YOU want to do

  • “Nice conditioning” - is a pattern that is conditioned into us from an early age. We’re systemically told not to trust our own desires and to instead “do the right thing” and “be nice” 

  • Is it selfish to ask “what do I want?"

  • Why we’ve lost the ability to ask “what do I want” and how that is dangerous

  • We need to move away from the toxic message that what you want is inherently bad or wrong 

  • There is a big distinction between feeling and doing

  • Clear the negativity away from asking what you want. 

  • When you’re more in touch with what you want, it’s better for everyone 

  • The classic example of being nice creating problems “I dunno whatever you want” (when picking food, movies, etc) 

  • You gotta take some time to clear the fog and figure out what you really want 

  • People watch an average of 11hrs/day of screen time in 2018 

  • It’s really hard to figure out what you want when you’re compulsively externally focused (constantly on your screen, constantly on social media) 

  • Why you should be more selfish

  • Selfish is not binary - it’s not A or B - its a subjective label that you put on something 

  • Selfishness is a spectrum - you can definitely go too far, but most people are way too far on the other direction of being too self-sacrificing

  • Intense self-sacrifice might be essential in a time of crisis - but if you operate that way all the time 

  • Excessive niceness is not benign - it’s coming from a place of fear, insecurity, and feeling threatened - and when you’re constantly in that space you are much more likely to experience symptoms of stress, anxiety, sickness, pain and more - TMS - Tension Mytosis Syndrome - from living in  place of chronic stress 

  • First become AWARE that it’s OK to say no and that we need to say no

  • To retrain from niceness to authenticity - it’s about being uncomfortable and discomfort training 

  • How do you say No to people? 

  • You live in a cloud of stories and dramatic fantasies about what will happen when you say no - TEST THE ASSUMPTION and see what happens. 

  • Usually, nothing happens

    1. Even if someone has a negative response, you can handle it

    2. But it might be uncomfortable 

  • Facing your fears and facing discomfort is like strength training 

  • Make a commitment that you will say NO twice this week, and start saying no to more and more things 

  • How do you say no? “Just start practicing and you will figure out how to do it” 

  • Step One: Give yourself complete and total permission to say no. Remind yourself that you have permission to say no and that it’s healthy. 

  • Step Two: Minimize and remove all qualifiers and explanations. 

  • Step Three: Be willing to sit with the No. Don’t say anything or overcommit to anything else. 

  • When saying no: It’s not that bad and you can deal with it even if it does get bad. 

  • What are street shenanigans?

  • You can be silly, you can be outrageous, you can say weird things, and you will be OK no matter what

  • Doing pushups on a street corner, howling at strangers, and being awkward? 

  • Why you should do a “social fitness” “warm up” to get out of your comfort zone. Friendly greetings to strangers is a great strategy for this. 

  • The world is a friendly place. 

  • There is a social “critical velocity” - overcoming the gravity of social anxiety - the more you break through the more velocity you generate and it becomes easier and easier to do things that used to be scary and uncomfortable.

  • It’s like launching into orbit - after a few tries, you reach a breaking point where you “pop” into zero gravity and you’re no longer being held back. 

  • Niceness is not serving you, it’s not who you are, it’s a safety pattern.

  • You can’t just read or listen to this - you have to DO the behaviors. Get in the “social gym” and get uncomfortable! 

  • This is how you STOP BEING AFRAID TO BE YOU

  • This is how you tolerate someone else’s disapproval 

  • Ask BOLDLY for what you want. (But first, you have to figure out WHAT that is)

  • Find 2 opportunities per week to specifically ask for what you want. Then build that muscle, start asking for things that are edgier and edgier and edgier for you. 

  • “Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear” 

  • Keep lifting up the “weights” and getting in your “reps” around the things that scare you - build the muscle and keep expanding your horizons - just like discomfort training 

  • If we have a parent or friend or partner or boss who we are especially scared of disappointing or triggers these feelings of people pleasing within us - are there any special strategies for dealing with them in particular? 

  • Don’t stop at the top of the mountain. You can’t lift that weight yet. Do all the baby steps first, get more comfortable with it first - do the 5 lb weights first. 

    1. Look at the dysfunctional patterns with that parent or boss - work on them elsewhere first 

    2. Work on it elsewhere first. 

    3. Your parents and your family are at the epicenter of this. 

  • Homework: Make a fundamental decision that you don’t want to be as nice anymore. Write out a short paragraph about why it’s no longer serving you to be the nice and that you are going to do something different. 

  • Without that fundamental decision, the underlying story you have about niceness will win out

  • Homework: Pick one thing - what’s the one thing that will be the easiest for you to do that would benefit you and change your life the most? 

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Show Notes, Links, & Research

  • [Website] Confidence University

  • [SoS Episode] Break Your Phone Addiction (& Your Other Bad Habits) With Charles Duhigg

  • [Book] Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself by Dr Aziz Gazipura

  • [Book] The Power of Myth by Joseph Campbell and Bill Moyers

  • [Book] Babbitt by Sinclair Lewis

  • [Wiki Article] Tension myositis syndrome

  • [SoS Episode] How To Demolish What’s Holding You Back & Leave Your Comfort Zone with Andy Molinsky

  • [SoS Episode] Your Secret Weapon to Becoming Fearless with Jia Jiang

  • [SoS Episode] Embracing Discomfort with Matt Bodnar

  • [Video] Dr. Aziz Street Shenanigans - How To Be Confident And Overcome Social Anxiety

  • [Website] Social Confidence Center

Episode Transcript


[00:00:19.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[00:00:11] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success, the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than 2 million downloads, listeners in over a hundred countries and part of the Self-Help for Smart People Podcast Network. 

In this episode, we explore how you can confidently be yourself even if you're afraid of what other people may do or think. We discussed how our obsession with niceness and people pleasing is often a problem and share specific tools you can use to overcome it. We also talk about the power and importance of saying no and the right way to do so, so that you can move away from approval seeking and step into bold authenticity with our guest, Dr. Aziz Gazipura. 

Do you need more time; time for work time, for thinking and reading, time for the people in your life, time to accomplish your goals? This was the number one problem our listeners outlined and we created a new video guide that you can get completely for free when you sign up and join our email list. It's called How You Can Create Time for the Things That Really Matter in Life. You can get it completely for free when you sign up and join the email list at successpodcast.com.

You're also going to get exclusive content that's only available to our email subscribers. We recently pre-released an episode in an interview to our email subscribers a week before it went live to our broader audience. That had tremendous implications, because there is a limited offer in there with only 50 available spots that got eaten up by the people who were on the e-mail list first. With that same interview, we also offered an exclusive opportunity for people on our e-mail list to engage one-on-one for over an hour with one of our guests in a live exclusive interview, just for e-mail subscribers.

There's some amazing stuff that's available only to email subscribers that's only going on if you subscribe and sign up to the email list. You can do that by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the homepage. Or, if you're driving around right now, if you're out and about and you're on the go, you don't have time, just text the word “smarter” to the number 44222. That's S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44222.

In our previous episode, we discussed a highly counterintuitive approach to learning that flies in the face of the way you think you should learn and how it just might transform your learning process. We explore several powerful evidence-based learning strategies that you can start to apply right now in your life. We explained why you should focus on getting knowledge out of your brain, instead of into it, and what exactly that means. We share a number of powerful memory strategies you can use to supercharge your brain and much more with our previous guest, Peter Brown. If you want to become better at learning, listen to that episode. 

Now, for interview with Aziz. 

[00:02:59] MB: Today, we have another exciting guest on the show, Dr. Aziz Gazipura. Aziz as a clinical psychologist and the founder of the Center For Social Confidence, which is dedicated to helping others break through their shyness and social anxiety. He's the author of the number one Amazon bestseller Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty … And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself. Aziz's work has helped thousands of people through workshops, coaching, media appearances and much more. 

Aziz, welcome to The Science of Success. 

[00:03:32] AG: Thanks, Matt. Thanks for having me. I’m excited to be here. 

[00:03:34] MB: We’re were super excited to have you on the show. I think this topic is so relevant, and for me personally, as somebody who has sort of a constant battle with people pleasing and not wanting to say no to people and all of these things, I really want to get into the meat of a lot of this stuff. But let's just start with a really simple question which I'm sure you get all the time, which is you wrote a book about not being nice to people. Why is that?

[00:03:57] AG: Yeah. Well, it’s so funny that you just said this is something you relate to. I cannot tell you how many people just around regular conversations, social gatherings, whatever, when they find out what I do and then we start talking about the topics. How many people will instantly identify with that and say, “Oh yeah, I have a problem with niceness. I deal with that to.” I think is the vast majority of people. I think it's sort of like epidemic proportions. All the things that I create, they come first through my own experience. I struggle with this heavily for many years and I think it's an ongoing, lifelong learning process. So it’s by no means done. But not only did I struggle with it, but then I turned around and saw, well, a lot of people need this. So this is an extremely relevant topic and I think something that almost everyone, especially in our culture, in Western culture, can relate. 

[00:04:45] MB: And I think an initial thing to kind of get off to sort of square off on before we get into the meat of it, I'm sure a lot of people hear the idea of not being nice and they think about being rude or being mean to people. But you sort of make this distinction between being nice and being kind. I’d love to explore that a little bit so that listeners can understand that this isn't necessarily about being rude, but it's about something much deeper. 

[00:05:08] AG: Absolutely. The title of the book is meant to be a little bit provocative. In fact, the topic itself is provocative, because it’s the first thing people go to and say, “What's the opposite of nice?” Well, the opposite of nice is mean, is harsh, is rude, is impolite or something like that. But actually when you start to dig into what niceness really is and where it comes from, niceness is actually very different than kindness, love, generosity, giving. These are pro-social qualities that we actually want to have. They enhance our relationships in our lives. 

Niceness though, as I define it in the book, is really rooted in fear rather than love and connection, and behind the niceness is a need to make sure that everything's okay, make sure that you didn't disturb anyone, upset anyone, that everyone is not bothered by you and therefore approves of you. Hopefully loves you, but at the very least tolerates you, and so you get to avoid all conflict. That's really the core of where not a lot of niceness comes from.

So a lot of the behaviors that we consider “nice” might look like they’re kind, or generous, or giving, but really they're coming from this place of fear, or obligation, or guilt. So I have to say yes to that person. I have to give to that person in small and big ways. In a conversation with someone, I don’t want to talk too much, because I don't want them to be bothered by me. I’ll just listen and smile and nod to bigger things, like, “Yes, I'll give more in this relationship.” “Yes, I'll give more of my time at work without setting a boundary,” and so on and so forth. 

So that's really the root of niceness, is that fear. Whereas his kindness and generosity and these more positive virtues come from a place of choice, and you can choose. Do I want to get to this person or not? Do I want to give in this way? Then if the answer is yes, then it’s coming from a more centered place. So I think that's a big distinctions. The opposite of niceness isn't rudeness. It’s not mean. The opposite of niceness is actually bold authenticity. It’s truly being you, and then from that place being able to choose how you want to behave. 

[00:07:06] MB: I love that idea, bold authenticity, and I want to get into that, but before we do, there’s so many other pieces of this to unpack. When you talk of fear and guilt and obligation, even at such a small context I think about somebody emails me and the thought, almost the subconscious pattern races through my head of, “I don't want to be rude. What if this person – What if there's a business opportunity? What if they know somebody who knows somebody that ends up negatively impacting me and my work?” There're so many kind of scenarios that play through my head, and I'm sure you had a similar experience with that. How do you start to understand sort of breakthrough that, that fear and those patterns?

[00:07:45] AG: That’s a great question. I think it's so pervasive. It can show up when you check your email. It can show up in a conversation with someone you just met. It can show up with a stranger. It can show up on a date. It can show up at work. Really, this is not just an occasional occurrence. This is actually almost like a personality that we adopt. It’s not your true personality. It’s not who you really are, but it's this way of being in the world. 

Really, what it is, it’s damage control, it’s safety mode. It’s like, “How do I get through life? How do I get through my day staying alert to all possible dangers and do whatever I can to avoid them?” That’s the sort of program that's running in your mind subconsciously as you’re checking your email, because it’s, “Oh! Someone wants something, or someone asked for something,” and your initial gut response is probably like, “Nah! Whatever. I don’t want to –” “I don't even want to respond,” maybe is your natural gut response. 

I really dealt with this a lot is. I felt this compulsive need to respond to everything, which worked okay and when I had my personal life, whatever, that as I started to grow in my reach and reach more and more people and email started come in more and more and more, that became a major problem, and I had a lot of anxiety similar to what you're describing about getting back to people late, not being able to accommodate what they wanted, or worse, as time went on, just not being able to get back to people at all. 

Now I have a bigger team and people can actually at least get some response, but there's this fear. When we’re in that safety damage control mode, we’re kind of scanning the day, like, “I hope nothing bad happens,” and we’re always looking for the ways that it could be problematic, and then our number one priority is to avoid those possible dangers. Usually, the dangers are rejection, disapproval of some sort. Our mind magnifies it as if there's going to be real, almost threat to our livelihood or something, like, “Well, if someone disapproves of me, then I'll lose customers, or I won’t get any more business, or I'll be fired,” and we create these pretty unrealistic, dramatic scenarios. They’re part of that safety programming that says, “Hey, number one is just make sure everyone is pleased.” 

Behind that email pattern you’re describing and behind all these stuff, it comes back to the approval seeking. The idea that if I can make sure that no one feels anything negative around me, then I'll be safe. And that's how the nice person lives their life. 

[00:09:54] MB: Let's get into this approval seeking, because I think it's something that I definitely deal with and I’m sure many listeners deal with. Where does it come from and how can we start to mitigate it?

[00:10:06] AG: Sure. It’s a great question. I think that to some degree, approval seeking, wanting the approval of people you interact with is normal and is human and is part of bonding and attachment connection and whatever, makes us human and survives as tribes in groups. So sometimes I work with clients or other people and they’ll say like, “I want to not care at all what people think of me,” and I get that sense. I felt that way too. We spend so much time being so worried about what other people think, that there’s a part us that’s like, “I just want to not care at all.” 

It’s like, “Well, you didn’t care literally at all. I wish I have a relationship. I wish I have a friendship, or a marriage.” You become a sociopath. We don’t want to go that far, but what we want to do is we want to not have the awareness, that social awareness about maybe someone might like this or not. We don’t want to have that dominate our choices, our actions, our emotions. We don’t want to create panic or anxiety or extreme guilt. We want to just tone it down to be able to get to a point where you can say, “Okay. What do I want to do in this situation?” and that is the MVP question. I noticed I’m already answering the what we can do about it. So I’ll get to first where it comes from and then we’ll dive into the what we can do about it, because I love that second part, the liberation. 

But the MVP question is; What do I want in this situation? Do I want to respond to this email or not? Do I want to ask this person this question or not? Do I want to say yes or do I want to say no here?” Once we got that internal awareness of ourselves and not alienated from ourselves and operating from some outside awareness of what should other people think I should do? We’re really rooted in ourselves. What do I want? Then we could make a choice of what we’re going to say and what we’re going to do. 

Here’s the thing, and this goes back to where it all comes from. Most of us are not connected with ourselves. We learn – I call it in the book nice conditioning. From a very young age, this is an early upbringing, all throughout out childhood and it starts in the family. Whoever raised you; parents, grandparents, extended family. It continued on heavily in school, which is we are systematically told to not trust ourselves, to step outside of yourself. They do the right thing. What the “right thing” is depends a lot on the family you grew up in, but [inaudible 00:12:15] nice conditioning, the right thing is be nice, share your toys, don't be upset, don't be aggressive, don't be disobedient, do what I say, do what I want you to do. When you don't do that, I don't care why you don't want to do it. Just do it. It bothers me when you disobey me. That's kind of the message we get. 

I'll say it now, because I say it in the book too. I want to be clear. I’m a parent, and I get how hard it is at times. So this isn’t about blaming parents or something. It is very challenging, and good God, I sure want my kids to be obedient and compliant all the time, but I know there's a cost of kind of demanding that enforcing that, and that's what a lot of us grew up in. The result is we’re not connected to ourselves. We don't even know what we want. We think a lot of our feelings are bad and unacceptable. So that if someone says, “Hey, do you want to come to this thing or do you want to ask something,” and our inner response is no, “No, I don’t want to date you. No, I don't want to go to that thing.” 

Even before we open our mouths to say that, we feel bad, “I’m going to hurt this person. Oh!” All those are signs of our nice conditioning. It really comes from early childhood, and we can talk more about the way out too. 

[00:13:18] MB: It’s funny – I mean, this is getting at sort of some of the solutions to this, but you've identified another major challenge and major problem, which is in addition to this whole sort of architecture of niceness. At the core of it, many people don't know what they want, and that's I feel like a major problem in our society. I had a listener email me literally today asking about how to sort of resolve that and try to figure out what they want out of their lives. That’s a big question, but how do we start to answer that and really sort of chip away or kind of clear the fog that’s preventing us from seeing what we truly want to do. 

[00:13:54] AG: Yeah. I love that question, because it's so important and I highlight it so much in the book. What do I want? It’s a way of coming back to your yourself, really. I love that phrase you used; clearing the fog, because I think the issue is – First of all, most people don’t even realize that that's a very important question. They either think that it's selfish, “How dare you even think about what you want in this situation when so and so sick, or so and so wants more of you?”

I remember I was speaking with a client recently, and he’s not – He’s being overworked, really. It's pretty intense environment, and he needs to make some shifts or he’s going to burnout. But his primary concern is, “Yeah. But if I reduce my hours, if I asked her to say I need to change something, other people there are going to have to take on more work.” There’s this huge inner conflict and fear and how much he’s going to be hurting all these people. Not seeing, “Well, the employer could hire someone else,” or that’s not your responsibility to burn yourself out to help everyone else. But what do I want is its lost in that fog, or it feels bad and unacceptable to even ask. I see there’re some relationships too. What do I want romantically? What do I want sexually? It’s bad. 

The first thing we need to do is we need to clear the toxic message that what you want is inherently bad or wrong. I go in-depth in the book about this, “No. You must turn that around to what I want is inherently good.” At first, for some people, because of their conditioning, that sounds like blasphemy or something. What a terrible – I’m just going to go out of control. 

I make a big distinction between feeling and doing. So we want to just start to uncover, just because you ask what do I want doesn't mean you’re going to run out and go force the world to give it to you immediately. It's part of connecting with yourself. First is clear the negativity around it’s bad to have what I want, or ask for what I want, or even think about what I want. I’ll say one more thing about that, because I know some people might intellectually think that's a good idea but don’t know how to do it, which is to realize that when you're more in touch with what you want, it's not only better for you. It's better for everyone. Because let me give you this quick example. 

Have you ever been on a date or out with a friend that’s romantic or platonic? It doesn’t matter. You’re hanging out with that person and you're like, “Okay. Cool. We’re going to go to a movie and let’s get a bite to eat.” You’re like, “Hey, what interests you for food?” They’re like, “I don’t know. Whatever you want.” “Are you sure? Do you have any plan?” “No. No. Whatever you want.” You’re like, “Okay.” So you pick Mexican food and you’re like, “Okay. Great. Now, let’s go see a movie. What are you into? There’s an action movie to watch. There’s romance.” They’re like, “I don’t know. Whatever you want.” 

How enraging is that to be around someone that doesn’t just say what they want? It’s a detriment to people around you when you don't say what you want, or you don’t even know what you want. Because it bothers them and it gives them nothing to work with, because it’s a lie too. It’s false, because the truth is you do – Some part of you does want something. Some part of you does prefer a certain food even if you think you're super flexible. It doesn't mean you can't go different ways, but there's a part of you that does want a certain kind of – Like something most. There’s a part of you that likes a certain kind of movie the most and something sounds best to you, and people want to know that. When they know that, you can work together. It could be on the table, and you can actually create better choices as a group. So people benefit when you know what you want. 

Then last way to actually start to find what it is, is you got to take the time to do it. You mentioned that fog. I was just doing some research on this for my next book, which is why we’re so against ourselves. Why do we turn to ourselves so critical? Of course I was thinking about media and what media has to do with that. 

I was looking up, “How much TV are we watching these days?” The stats are always crazy. The average American watches five hours of TV a day. I was looking up what they currently are. Here’s the most recent statistics from the Nielsen in 2018. These are just my best memory right now, but it's four hours a day of live TV, about 45 minutes a day of recorded TV, like with TiVo and stuff. But when you add in all source of screen time, including social media, cellphone, tablets, streaming on Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, all that stuff, people are watching a screen 11 hours a day as of the first part of 2018. 11 hours a day, and that’s not including work time. 

That means basically every waking moment that we’re not at work, we’re probably at a screen at work too. We’re hooked on the screen. We’re insanely addicted to it. So it is very hard to find out what you want when you're compulsively externally focused. You’re not like externally focused on a flower. You are externally focused on something that jamming huge amounts of input into you, trying to influence what you want and saying, “You want this. Don't you? You want that. Don't you? You should want this.” 

Whether it’s a certain body image, or a certain kind of partners, or a certain lifestyle, or a certain object, or a car, or whatever, we’re in this cloud. To find out what you want, you got to unplug for at least a little bit of a time, and the more the better in a lot of ways. Then – So go for a 30-minute walk with no headphones and ask yourself that question, “What do I want?” Ask it not with like, “Okay. I got 28 minutes. Let we find out what I want for my whole life.” No. Just ask yourself that question, “What do I want in this moment? What do I want today? What do I want in my job?” You just ask it and maybe find some answers that they may be not. If you had a practice at that where you did that walk – I don’t know, three times a week, you would find so many answers so quickly once you unplug and really start to tune in with. 

[00:19:10] MB: It's funny, I think the question that obviously comes to bear on this that you addressed in some ways, but I'm sure listeners are thinking and asking themselves, and I'm honestly asking myself this even though I know intellectually that this is true. But when you come back to it, is doing what we want selfish? 

[00:19:28] AG: It's so good. I'm glad you’re asking that and invoicing that, because it is in there. That is part of our training, and the truth is it can be. I have a chapter in the book called be more selfish. Again, controversial title. I thought I’d make it spicy. But that is actually true. We do need to do that. It's just that there is a – Selfish is not binary. It’s not A or B. It’s not like you're selfish or you're not. Selfish is a subjective interpretive label that you put on something. 

If someone says, “Hey, can you give me a ride to the airport?” and you say, “No. I can’t do that. I’m sorry.” Is that selfish? It’s actually a complex calculation. It’s in the eye of the beholder, because what if the friend that asked you for the ride never does anything for you at all and refuses all of your requests? Then is it selfish? Most people would say, “No. No.” What if that friend is a lot for you? Then is that selfish? People will say, “Yeah.” There’s this social accumulation of data people are assessing. 

So it's not binary. It's much more complex than that. It’s much more nuanced, and there's a spectrum. I have this in the book. There's a spectrum of selfishness. On one side you can go too far. You can just be totally self-absorbed, self-interest, egomaniac like just give me what I want. I don't care about you at all. I’m going to use you like a chess piece, like the tool to get what I want. There are people that operate in the world that way, and that is destructive to relationships, to companies, to them ultimately even if they don't know it. 

But that doesn't mean that the opposite of that is actually any healthier, because the opposite of that, the extreme opposite, the other end of the spectrum, is self-denying, self-sacrifice. That’s like – It doesn't matter what I want. My needs don't matter at all. Whatever you need or want or whatever, here I am. For me to say no just because I don't want to or because it feels too overwhelming or stressful or just feels like too much for me to say yes to that, it doesn’t matter. That’s bad. 

What we want to do is we actually want to –A lot of people that are nice kind of live towards that end of the spectrum. So we want to move up the spectrum towards more selfish into the healthy self-interest range. That can be described as, “Okay. You have needs and desires, and I have needs and desires, and both of them matter, and I need to figure out in this moment what’s going to be right for me.” So sometimes I’m going to prioritize my own needs, because that's part of the balance. That’s what I need to do. So no I can’t give you that ride, because I have these seven other things that I'm doing and that’s going to tip me over the edge. 

Or sometimes I’m going to prioritize your needs. I have a family and wife and kids and so a lot of the times I do prioritize what they might need over what I might need. But I can still do the opposite and sometimes prioritize myself. So that’s the secret, is that balance, and that only comes when we have the nuance to understand that it's not just you’re either selfish or not, good or bad, and it's really okay to uncover and decide case-by-case. 

[00:22:21] MB: I think bringing the idea of a spectrum to it really shines light on how to think about it more intelligently, and it reminds me of a quote from one of my favorite books of all time; The Power of Myth by Joseph Campbell, and he's talking to Bill Moyers about this book by Sinclair Lewis called Babbitt, and the quote as, “I've never done a thing I wanted all my life,” and that's from the Sinclair Lewis book. But Joseph Campbell then goes on to say, “Basically, don't be that person.” Don't be the person who's never done a thing they wanted all their lives, and yet so many of us spend so much more time on the self-sacrificing side of the spectrum. I think the word that you used that puts it in sort of a new light is to seek balance. 

[00:23:03] AG: Mm-hmm. That’s really what it is. 10 self-sacrifice might be essential in a time of crisis. Someone’s sick or you spend the night at a hospital. It doesn’t matter if you're tired or you’re not at work or whatever. Sure, we want to be able to do that. That's part of life. But if you operate that way – And I think a lot of – When we’re in that a nice mode, we are kind of operating that way, because we're treating everything like a crisis. If that person who emailed me doesn’t hear back, that's a crisis. If I say no to this friend who wants me to go to this thing this weekend, that's a crisis. 

Underneath that, there is a threat mode happening, and this is super essential for everyone to understand, that niceness is not – Excessive niceness and the problems around it is not benign. It's not like, “Okay. Well, maybe it's hard and it makes me not have the life I fully want, but I’m least I’m doing the right thing. Darn it!” It's actually not that, because what happens is when you're in that kind of state of fear and threats that’s underneath niceness, you are much more prone to experience all kinds of symptoms as a results, and these symptoms can range from physical symptoms, G.I. symptoms, stomach problems, all kinds manifestations of back pain, shoulder pain, neck pain, the term that's been coined by many doctors as TMS, tension myositis syndrome or tension myoneural syndrome. 

There's a phenomenal author named Dr. John Sarno, who is a pioneer in this field, but most people don’t realize how many of their aches and pains and physical problems and even things that they think are injuries are actually the results of living in this kind of chronic stress, fearful state. One of the biggest contributors is actually niceness. I think it's so important to realize that you're not only not living life that you want, which might make you feel more depressed or dissatisfied, but you're also literally harming your body by remaining in this overly nice mode for years. 

[00:24:51] MB: I want to transition and look at some of the other manifestations of this. One of them –These are outcroppings of the same theme and idea, and so the underpinnings are going to be very similar. But you talk about saying no and the importance of saying no, and that's a particular area of niceness that I personally really struggle with. But I'm curious how we can start to think more effectively about that and really start to say no more often in the right contexts. 

[00:25:16] AG: Great. I love that question. I think the conversation we’re just having is a perfect prelude about selfishness, because one of the reasons we don't say no is, well, that’s selfish. So really getting clear that, at times, to support that balance, you’re going to need to prioritize your own needs, and that's not bad. That’s not wrong. That’s not malevolent or something against other people or harming people. That's healthy. It’s part of a healthy relationship. So to that end, sometime when we’re prioritizing on our own needs, we need to say no. How do you know if should say yes or no? Well, it start with, “What do I want?” So I really encourage people to ask that question not just as like a soul-searching journey once in that 30-minute walk or something. I mean, moment to moment, and it's so important to start asking that question. You might even want to like write it on your hand or have it on a sticky note on your desk or your computer, especially if you’re – Maybe that’s where you’re checking your email and there’s a lot of responses where you are saying yes or no to things, because the conditioning to say yes can be so fast. 

I've had clients I’ve been working on this with who they set the intention to say no and talk about strategies, which we can talk about in just a moment about how to do it, how to be ready to do it. They’re all primed and here they go. The next thing they know, they have said yes three times without even realizing that it happened. It just came out. It's so conditioned. 

First we got to be become aware that it's okay to say no and we need to say no and that we want to do it more. Once that stage is set and having those reminders to help you remember to do it, and then it's a matter of actually just practicing it and saying no like many of the other forms of retraining, from niceness to authenticity. It's all about discomfort tolerance, really. If you're willing to experience discomfort in the short term, you will gain much more benefit in your life in the long term, because in the short term saying no to that person can be uncomfortable. 

It can also be fascinating though, because when many people who are trapped in the cage of niceness almost never say no. Unless it’s like, “Oh my god!” There’s a clear overwhelming reason. If it’s not, they’ll just say yes. What they do is they live in a cloud of stories of what could happen if they said no, “Oh! This person can get upset.” This thing that you were talking about, so and so is going to tell so and so and that's going to negatively reflect me, and I’m not going to have guest interviews, or whatever, stories we come up with. But we never test it. 

So what I love is working with people and watching them start to really test it. Hands down, two things almost always happen. One; the dramatic fantasy that they created in their mind about what was going to happen doesn't happen, and we all know that, and hearing that on this podcast is one thing. But to actually viscerally experience that in your own life, like, “Wow! I was making myself bonkers, and that didn’t even happen.” That’s a powerful lesson that we all should benefit from experiencing. 

Doing it, testing it and seeing, A, it doesn't actually happen most of the time; or B, that if someone does have a negative reaction or gets upset, that we can handle it. That's even a more empowering part, is you can tell yourself for months, “I can handle it. I can handle it,” but nothing shows you you can handle it like going through it. But here's the thing; handling it might be uncomfortable. Saying no might be probably uncomfortable at first. You got to face those fears, face that discomfort. 

What I love to liken it to strength training or building any sort of physical strength, whether it’s running or weightlifting. If you go to the gym and you're never uncomfortable, you’re probably not growing in strength at all. I don’t know what you’re doing. You’re just stretching, hanging out. Even in stretching you can be uncomfortable, right? We got to lean into that edge, and that's exactly what we know. Just like a muscle, your capacity to saying no grows. So if you made a commitment right now, and anyone listening made a commitment now, say, “I’m going to say no twice this week. I’m going to look for two opportunities to say no.” Then you do that again next week, and then again next week, and maybe even upped it said no to more things. Within, literally, 3 to 4 weeks, you'd be in a very different place than you are now. I mean, it can start to happen that fast just like you start to build muscle that fast. 

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[]00:31:24 MB: I love this, this notion of facing discomfort, and we’ve had a number of episodes on the show and interviews where we’ve gone really deep into how to get comfortable with being uncomfortable, and we’ll throw those into the show notes for listeners who want to dig into that. But I want to come back to some of the specific kind of tactical strategies for saying no. How do we actually do it in the moment?

[00:31:45] AG: Yeah, that's great. A lot of people want to be like super smooth at it. I would say think of like an instrument or any other skill. Just start playing it and you’ll get there. First and foremost, just play it inconsistently. Play it as we’ve been talking about, face that discomfort. But there are ways to refine our skill. This is actually a surprising one, is inner game. It's complete and total permission to say no, because what happens is people start just, “Okay. Okay. I’m going to say no. I’m going to be less nice. I need to do it. Here I go,” and they’re really nervous, and there's a lot of mixed messages inside of them that says, “What I'm doing is bad.” 

Therefore, their communication is very murky and muddled. It will come out as very apologetic, “Oh! I can't. I’m so sorry. I'm so sorry, I can't drive you to the airport. Ah! I’m so bad.” It'll come across this self-effacing or they’ll talk about why they’re bad. It’s amazing people say this. Or they’ll have a very elaborate explanation. So they really get across why they totally would do it, except for here's my seven reasons why. 

What I encourage people to do is first and foremost remind themselves they have complete permission to say no and it’s healthy. The second step is going to be to say no and to minimize, remove actually, all qualifiers and then minimize the explanation. You can give a short sentence or two if it's relevant. For example, instead of saying, “No, I can't get that to you by then because I have this and I got to do that and this and that.” Just say, “Okay. You want that by Friday? I’m not going to be able to do that. I have several things before then that I have to get done, but I’m not going to be able to get to you on Friday. Let’s figure out what else we can do.” 

It’s short, it's tight, and then be willing to sit in the no. This is another super important part, is then as people will say it, and they’ll immediately actually overcommit to something else. I don’t know if you’ve done this. This was the worst. We say no, “No, I can't have you at this time,” or “No, we can't do that.” “But how about on this time, or how about this, or how about these other seven things that I can give you?” Now we’ve overcommitted to something else. 

So sitting in the no and say, “I’d love to, I can’t.” “Thank you for the invitation. I’m not going to be able to make it,” and just be okay to sit in that, whether it's a text. Just let it lie or face-to-face or over the phone and be in that discomfort. Here's the thing, and I talk about this a lot with my wife, because we all are overcoming our niceness. But one of her triggers is saying no to a friend or someone she's building a relationship with. Saying no to their invitations, especially if it’s like the second time in a row for whatever reason. She has this fear. She’s like, “Well, if I say no to someone twice, especially too close together, they’re not going to want to be my friend anymore.” 

What I often remind her is, “Let's test that out.” I actually think that if you say no twice, but you're warm and you even offer other alternatives, that people want you more and become a slightly higher demand. You're not so available. Not as a game, but it doesn't – It’s not going to ruin relationships. So sit in the no. Trust that it’s not all over. The building won’t crumble. Then practice it again and again and again. 

[00:34:44] MB: I think the idea of getting the reps in and sort of doing the work of building that muscle is such an important mental model to apply to developing the skillset of being less nice, of saying no. This is sort of a segue, which we’ll go kind of far away from where we are but then we’ll come back to it. But you have amazing YouTube videos, which we’ll put in the show notes as well, where you kind of do street shenanigans. 

One of the things that I thought was really interesting at the beginning of that with street shenanigans, which you can kind of explain to listeners what that is, but was you did a bunch of, as you call them, I think warm-ups for your social fitness at the beginning of that, which is another great example of sort of the same idea of getting those reps in and sot of building that muscle. 

[00:35:24] AG: Yes, street shenanigans. We just had a lot of viewers in YouTube Channel or whatever asking me to demonstrate things and I was like, “Okay. I’m going to go out in the street.” One of the big things is a lot of people are dealing with social anxiety. So my key goal with that video was not to do the smoothest, [inaudible 00:35:40] stuff in the world, but to show, “Hey, you can just do whatever you want kind of and it doesn't matter.” You can be silly, you can be outrageous, you can say weird things. You're okay no matter what is what I really wanted to convey. 

I sent a message out to my list and said like – And the YouTube channel, like, “What do you want to see me do so?” It’s kind of like a dare kind of thing. You got all these ridiculous things that I had to sift through, and I picked the ones that would make me the most uncomfortable as long as they weren’t socially aggressive. Some of them were. It’s like, “Nah. We’re not going to do that.” So we would picked the ones that were affirming, positive experience for everyone, but are uncomfortable. That was the goal. 

But before you jump into that – And a few might ask, “”Why on earth would you want to do that?” Discomfort tolerance, your ability to going into something uncomfortable and do it is transferable. If you can do push-ups on a street corner, then you are actually going to be much more able to approach someone you're attracted to. It might seem like totally different things, but one of the biggest things that stops us from approaching someone we’re attracted to is the fear of embarrassment, the fear of being judged by that person or by witnesses around, or friends watching. It’s our ego. It’s like, “Oh! I’m going to not look as good.” 

Well, if you go out and do pushups on a street corner or flex in a store window, as someone asked me to do, you get over yourself. It's okay to be embarrassed. You can tolerate that embarrassment, that social – People watching you. Then therefore you're able to go do something that’s a real value to you. But whether we’re going to go talk to people we’re attracted to or do something of literal value or just these exercises to build that muscle, you start with a warm up, because it is so much like fitness. 

I’ll just walk on the street and do what’s called friendly greetings. Just say hi to people a dozen times in a busy street, and it's amazing. I have seen this again and again out in the world with people where they go from a place of like, “I can’t talk to anyone. I feel uncomfortable right now. I'm scared. I’m nervous. I’m self-conscious.” Then we scale it back to some friendly greetings, maybe even have them walk up to a of couple people and say, “Hey, do you have a restaurant recommendation. It’s lunch time, we’re curious to get – Where we’d get some food.” Some low-risk question where they’re probably not going to get rejected.

I've seen this literally happen a number of times. One guy I’m thinking of where he did a couple of friendly greetings, did that twice, asked for restaurants. Then the next thing I know, literally, he was – There is a woman he wanted to talk to who was walking down the street and she was pretty far away and he ran to catch up to her and jumped – Not jumped, appropriately walked around her to get in front of her and started this like long extended conversation. From 0 to 60, which would've been impossible, literally 10 minutes earlier. The warm up, I’m a big believer in that and I've seen it work wonders. 

[00:38:14] MB: The funny thing is this stuff is really fun and enjoyable once you kind of get into it. I mean, when you watch the street shenanigans video, I was laughing and smiling within probably one minute of it starting. Even just a friendly greetings were hilarious. Then some of the other stuff is even more funny. But Austin and I, the producer of the show, we were in Minneapolis recently for a speaking engagement and we had some extra time to kill before I went on stage, and we went to Mall of America and just decided that we we’re going to do rejection therapy for the whole evening. We had a blast. We were laughing. We got some free cookies. We get discounts on stuff. We were just goofing around and doing all these things. But it seems so sort of scary, but as soon as you start to build that muscle and flex that and get comfortable being uncomfortable, all of these kind of exciting, fun, wacky, ridiculous opportunities open up and you start to realize that the world isn't that scary of a place. 

[00:39:10] AG: Yes. You’re speaking my language. That’s why we have a banner in my live events and it says, “The world is a friendly place,” and that’s a complex topic. You could debate philosophically about. But in one way, it’s trying to highlight exactly what you're saying, which is when we step out – There’s like this thresholds. It’s like – What it’s called? Critical velocity? When like a spaceship is trying to take off and it reaches some distance and speed from the Earth's gravitational pull or something and it blasts out? There are some process I found that’s like that socially, where there’s all these gravity kind of holding us inside of ourselves. We can’t even look at people. We can’t even make eye contact, like, “Oh my god! I can take out my ear pods right now.” 

Then if we push that edge and we start to build that – The rocket starts going, which are to move outside of ourselves, at first it's really scary and really uncomfortable. But if we just keep doing it – I don't mean keep doing it over years. I mean, literally over the course of like 10, 15 minutes. What happens as we reach this like breaking point where we just pop into no gravity and all of a sudden – I’ve seen this happen so many times at people, especially at live events. Because at live events, we take everyone out. It’s like we’re not just going to sit in a room and talk about this. You’re going to go do it and then we’re going to watch you. 

What I’ve seen happen again and again is all of a sudden they’re like, “Whoa! I think I can do like anything and I’m okay.” Because once embarrassment or rejection are no longer intolerable experiences and you can kind of say what you want and do what you want. 

I remember one guy I was working with who's almost like, “No. Give me something else that’s going to make me really scared. What's the next thing? Give me something else.” I was like, “I don’t have anything else. You can do whatever you want right now. You’re liberated in this moment.” That's what we’re going for. 

I love how you described that, the story with you and Austin, because that’s’ what I want people to experience, is to get on the other side of that and feel what it's like to be socially free, to be liberated and then they can just be who they are and really enjoy that and have fun.

[00:41:01] MB: One of my favorite quotes is “everything you've ever wanted is on the other side of fear”, which perfectly squares with that. We kind of came far away, but I want to come back. This really comes back to once you overcome this niceness and the fear and the insecurity that underpins that, how do we start to ask boldly? That’s one of the sort of promises that you make in the headline of the book, and start unapologetically being ourselves?

[00:41:26] AG: Yeah, I love that. The unapologetically being ourselves comes when we have first seen that niceness is not serving us, that it actually it’s not who we are. It's a safety pattern. Then we start to take the risks and face the discomfort to say no to, in some way, figure out what we want and then ask for it. We start to do the behaviors. We can’t just read about it and think, “Oh, yeah! That sounds good one day.” But literally do it. Get in the gym as it were. Lift those weights. Get uncomfortable. Then the byproduct of that is you stop being afraid to be you. You build this inner power that allows you to tolerate someone's disapproval, “Okay. I know that they might not like this, but this is what I want to do, or this is important for me to say, so I’m going to say it.” You have that freedom. You have that choice, and that's where that unapologetic comes from. It's like, “No. This is okay for me to be me.” 

One of the other things to practice in addition to saying no to get there is the asking for what we want. So step one is what do I want and really discovering it. Step two is ask for or it, or state it, or request it. Again, there's just a lot of fear behind this, fear of rejection, fear of upsetting the other person. Fear, fear, fear. As you just said, which I love, is everything you want in your life is over that fear, around that fear, through that fear. 

So much of the time people approach fear as if it's like this brick wall, but really it's like a thin curtain and you can literally walk right through it. The only thing stopping us is the physical discomfort in our own nervous system. So when we move into it – And just ask for what we want. So that’s another practice. Very simply, just like, “No.” say no is asking for what we want. So, “Hey, I like to do this,” or Can we do this?” or “It will be important for me if we could do that,” and finding, again, two opportunities a week to specifically ask for what you want. Just like you want to strengthen yourself by lifting more systematically overtime or running further or faster, or whatever your goals are physically, you want to ask for things that are edgier for you. So maybe at first you literally just ask – I don’t know, just ask the server for check at a restaurant, because normally you’re so nice that you just wait for them to give it to you even if you're in a hurry. 

Maybe you ask, say, “Hey, listen. I’m in a hurry. Can you rush my order?” today at the restaurant. Those are simple things, and maybe that's the weight that you can lift right now, because even that feels uncomfortable. But eventually as you do it more, you start to ask more vulnerable things. Ask for something in a close friendship, or ask for something in a conversation with a friend or a sibling and say, “Hey, listen. There’s something I want to talk with you about and I love to just have your attention for like 10 minutes as we talk about something that's important to me.” If you never request that, maybe that feels so selfish or edgier. So that will be the next level to lift up. 

Then, of course, in your romantic relationship, being able to ask more authentically for what you want, whether it's time together, or something around your sex life, “I would love if we could do this.” Or similarly, what do you do not want, “I want to do less of this. This is uncomfortable for me when we do this,” and not uncomfortable in a good kind of way like I should do it more. I wish we didn't do this. All of that is going to come from taking those risks. That's why I call it boldly asking for what you want. It’s because it's scary, it's edgy, it feels like a risk. We need courage. We need boldness and we want to do so with that owning of ourselves. 

[00:44:51] MB: If someone has a parent, or a boss, or a friend who they’re specially scared of disappointing or that triggers a stronger feeling around some of these insecurities and put them into sort of the shell of niceness. Are there any particular strategies that you would recommend or that you seem work for dealing with those kinds of dynamics?

[00:45:11] AG: Yeah, absolutely. I would say don't start there. That's the top of the mountain, because – Think about overweight. It’s too heavy of a weight. So people will sometimes be down on themselves or beat themselves up about it, and that never works. We cannot beat ourselves into confidence or any new behavior long-term. What you want to do is do all the stuff that we’re talking about in this episode, the small weights, the 5-pound weight. 

Look at what your patterns are, your dysfunctional patterns are with the parent or that boss, “Oh! I can't say no to him or her, or whenever they make a comment about me, I just feel – I believe everything they say and I feel terrible about myself.” Okay. Well, those are signs of things that you want to work on, but start working on them elsewhere, because it's very unlikely that you are totally aware of what you want. You built up a lot of muscle and being able to say no and act in your healthy self-interest in every single instance of your life, in all your relationships except your boss, or except for your dad or your mom. You’re probably doing it everywhere. It’s just more intense with them. 

Work on it elsewhere, and I’ve seen this again and again, especially people that are in my group programmer where we work together for years, and there’s even two or more. The first year, it’s all – They’re interacting with strangers, or colleagues, or even dating and stuff. But then in the second year it’s more like, okay, with her longer-term relationships with their spouse, with the family, with their parents and they’re kind of surprised, like, “Wow! this is so hard to do with my dad or my mom.” It’s like, “Yeah, that is the epicenter.” That’s where the nice conditioning was first transmitted to you. So of course it’s going to stir up the most discomfort. I’d say work your way up to it. 

[00:46:44] MB: Great piece of advice. For listeners who want to concretely implement some of these ideas, and I think we’ve touched on a number of these, but what would be one or two pieces of homework that would be simple action items they could start with right away to put some of these ideas into practice?

[00:47:01] AG: Great. Absolutely. The first thing would be to make a fundamental decision that you don't want to be this nice anymore. That might seem kind of obvious, or like, “Oh, yeah. I’m already there.” No. Really sit down and write out just a short paragraph. You could do it on your phone or in a laptop or write it on a cocktail napkin. It doesn’t matter. Why it's no longer serving me to be this way, to be this nice, and I'm going to do some different. 

Because without that fundamental decision, there's still this story in us that it's better to be nice and it's bad to hurt other people's feelings, and, “Oh! I can’t upset anyone. That’s so wrong.” That will undermine any tactical or strategic attempt to change this. Because as soon as you do it, you'll feel guilty or uncomfortable and say, “Oh! That was the wrong thing to do.” We need to be an environment that supports this so that when you take that action and you feel guilty, the environment tells you, “Yeah, you feel guilty, but you didn't do anything bad. This is actually healthy.” 

I designed the book to hopefully be an environment for people. Obviously, in my world when I work with people in workshops or my groups, we create that culture so that people can get that affirmation. But in the absence of all of that, just at write out the commitment, the decision to yourself. 

Then second thing will be just to pick one thing. We talked about a lot of things and sometimes people are like, “Okay! I’m going to do it all.” Well, that's kind overwhelming. Just pick one thing. So what's the one that is either the easiest for you to do or the one you feel like, “Oh man! That would benefit my life. I need that the most.” Maybe that’s saying no. Maybe that’s asking yourself what do I want and discovering it. Maybe that's practicing, asking for what you want. Maybe that's the more slightly higher up on a selfishness spectrum and putting your own needs first sometimes and some of the other things we talked about as well. 

Picking one of those things and then just setting a very specific small goal, like, “I’m going to say no twice this week,” or “I’m going to practice putting my own needs first once this,” or, “We didn’t get into boundaries in this call,” but maybe you need to set a boundary with someone by saying – Asking for what you want or saying no or telling them something needs to be different. Maybe you set a goal to do that. 

Here's the thing, it's like any sort of training, you want to start where you can just keep leaning into that edge. You’d be amazed overtime, in a period of 3, 6 months, what can radically transform if we consistently do this sort of thing. 

[00:49:19] MB: For listeners who want to find you and your work online, what's the best place for them to do that? 

[00:49:24] AG: Sure. The website that kind of captures everything is my main website, which is socialconfidencecenter.com, socialconfidencecenter.com, and you can find out about my book and YouTube with live events and all those things in the podcast. So that's kind of like the hub. 

From there, you can see what you want to take in. We have a lot of free stuff with the YouTube and podcast, or if you want to get immersed in an environment, there're live events. Year-long mastermind program, all kinds of great ways to really take these ideas from intellectual to actually reprogramming yourself, because it's uncomfortable and – I don't know. I didn’t make very much progress in my fitness in my entire life until two years ago. I'm 35 now. So from 33 to 35 I made more progress in my fitness in my entire life, and that was in two years that I joined like a gym with a trainer and have that accountability of that group. So that’s next level. You really want to make these changes. 

[00:50:14] MB: Well, Aziz, thank you so much for coming on the show, sharing all these wisdom. This is a topic that's very personal for me and I think really, really relevant. I have a post-it note, one of my baby steps. I got a post-it note that says say no and ask boldly sitting right next to my monitor now. So that'll be at least one little action step reminder. Again, thank you for coming on the show and sharing all these wisdom. 

[00:50:35] AG: Beautiful. I love that. I love that you’re applying that. You're most welcome, and I think it’s going to be a really cool experience. When you do that, you say no or you ask boldly and it’s uncomfortable, and then you get on the other side and see like, “Whoa! Nothing terrible happened that I couldn’t handle,” and then, boom! You just grow in power. So I love it. 

[00:50:55] MB: Did you enjoy this episode? Do you want to step into bold authenticity and stop being afraid to be yourself? Go to successpodcast.com/confidence to check out Confidence University. Our guest on this episode, Aziz Gazipura, has an incredible course offering here that you should definitely check out. Again, that successpodcast.com/confidence. If you want to step into the bold authenticity of being yourself and stop being afraid of what other people think about you. 

Thank you so much for listening to The Science of Success. We created this show to help you, our listeners, master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

I'm going to give you three reasons why you should sign up for our e-mail list today by going to successpodcast.com, signing up right on the homepage. There are some incredible stuff that’s only available to those on the e-mail list, so be sure to sign up, including an exclusive curated weekly e-mail from us called Mindset Monday, which is short, simple, filled with articles, stories, things that we found interesting and fascinating in the world of evidence-based growth in the last week. 

Next, you're going to get an exclusive chance to shape the show, including voting on guests, submitting your own personal questions that we’ll ask guests on air and much more. Lastly, you’re going to get a free guide we created based on listener demand, our most popular guide, which is called How To Organize and Remember Everything. You can get it completely for free along with another surprise bonus guide by signing up and joining the e-mail list today. Again, you can do that at successpodcast.com, sign up right at the homepage, or if you're on the go, just text the word “smarter”, S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44222. 

Remember, the greatest compliment you can give us is a referral to a friend either live or online. If you enjoyed this episode, please leave us an awesome review and subscribe on iTunes because that helps boost the algorithm, that helps us move up the iTunes rankings and helps more people discover the Science of Success. 
	
Don't forget, if you want to get all the incredible information we talked about in the show, links transcripts, everything we discussed and much more, be sure to check out our show notes. You can get those at successpodcast.com, just hit the show notes button right at the top. 

Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.


November 29, 2018 /Lace Gilger
Emotional Intelligence
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How You Can Overcome Procrastination and People Pleasing with Dr. Taylor Newendorp

November 01, 2018 by Lace Gilger in Focus & Productivity, Emotional Intelligence

In this episode we discuss how to deal with never feeling like you’re “enough,” show you how to overcome the insidious trap of "people pleasing,” look at the most effective treatments for OCD, panic attacks, anxiety and stress, discover the dangers of “toxic perfectionism” and how it might be holding you back, tell you why “should” is a dangerous word, and much more with our guest Taylor Newendorp. 

Taylor Newendorp is the founder and president of Chicago Counseling Center and specializes in the treatment of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Perfectionism, and Anxiety Disorders. He was worked as a practicing therapist for many years and completed the International OCD Foundation's Behavioral Therapy Training Institute Taylor is the author of The Perfectionism Workbook: Proven Strategies to Break Free from Perfectionism and Achieve Your Goals.

  • What is the myth of perfection and how does it impact your life?

  • Hiding weaknesses and mistakes is very dangerous and contra to personal growth

  • You are more likely to grow, thrive, and succeed once you acknowledge and accept your weaknesses

  • The Five Tendencies of Toxic Perfectionism

  • “People Pleasing” perfectionism

  • Expectations placed on you by by your family or the environment you grew up in

    1. Every action you take is designed to please other people and you constantly need external approval to feel good about yourself

    2. Everyone liking you is an impossible and unachievable goal. No matter what you do there is no way to please everyone. 

  • What is the root cause behind the “people pleasing” tendency? 

  • Perfectionism can often be genetically pre-disposed if your family has a history of OCD or anxiety

  • People pleasing is rooted in the idea that for you to be loved you have to achieve and be successful

  • How do you overcome the fear that if you give up your perfectionist expectations and the desire to please others that you will flip to the opposite and be unproductive and unliked?

  • How much of what you’re doing is is because you WANT to or because you feel like you HAVE TO in order to have other people like you?

  • What activities are you doing that you do solely for the approval of others? Would you do them for their own sake?

  • One of the biggest roots of perfectionism is your own expectations of yourself and others 

  • Growth Mindset vs Fixed Mindset and how that impacts perfectionist tendencies 

  • The danger of being a “procrastinating perfectionist"

  • Put off doing something because you’re worried it’s not perfect

  • Do you feel a feeling of discontent? No matter what you do, no matter what you achieve, do you feel like it’s never enough? Do you keep pushing yourself harder and harder causing stress and anxiety for yourself?

  • How do you deal with self criticism and negative self talk?

  • What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and how does it work?

  • How do your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors all impact each other?

    1. The way we think about things has a direct impact on our emotions and feelings

    2. Looking at your thought process

    3. Looking at your expectations of others

    4. Looking at what you’ve been telling yourself

  • Examining your own thought processes is a HUGE key to solving this

  • Exposure and response prevention is a highly effective solution to OCD, panic attacks, anxiety disorders, etc 

  • Purposely exposing yourself to something that produces an amount of anxiety, stress, and discomfort, and then preventing your usual response 

  • The more you face what causes you distress and tolerate it, your stress and discomfort around it starts to fade 

  • The danger of using the word “Should”

  • Learn and familiarize yourself with the cognitive distortions that are out there and see how they are playing out in your head 

  • Understand the connection between thoughts and feelings and how that might be influencing how you’re behaving

  • One question you can use to challenge your negative thoughts - if you had to stand up in a court of law and prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that this thought is 100% true would it hold up? 

  • Often you have NO evidence to back this thought up 

  • Expectations are often at the root of our “shoulds” and your perfectionist tendencies 

  • When you feel something uncomfortable - avoidance and distraction are the two most common strategies for avoiding discomfort

  • The more you avoid something the more you increase your anxiety around that fear. The fear grows larger and larger in your brain. The more you face and spend time with your fears, your anxiety dissipates. 

  • Dig into and understand the triggers that make you uncomfortable and continually face them to build tolerance and resistance to them 

  • Exposure and response therapy creates new neural pathways that reduce anxiety over time

  • What is the relationship between perfectionism and OCD?

  • A lot of people with OCD engage in compulsive behaviors to get a sense that things feel “just right"

  • Being enough and achieving your goals without fear

  • You should make your goals specific, measurable, and meaningful 

  • Mindfulness at its core is about observing yourself, observing others, without attaching judgement to it 

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Show Notes, Links, & Research

  • [SoS Episode] Research Reveals How You Can Create The Mindset of a Champion with Dr. Carol Dweck

  • [SoS Episode] Your Secret Weapon to Becoming Fearless with Jia Jiang

  • [Website] Chicago Counseling Center

  • [Book] The Perfectionism Workbook: Proven Strategies to End Procrastination, Accept Yourself, and Achieve Your Goals by Taylor Newendorp MA LCPC

  • [Website] Rejection Therapy with Jia Jiang

Episode Transcript


[00:00:19.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[0:00:11.8] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success; the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than three million downloads and listeners in over a hundred countries.

In this episode, we discuss how to deal with never feeling like you’re enough. We show you how to overcome the insidious trap of people pleasing, look at the most effective treatments for OCD, panic attacks, anxiety and stress. We discover the dangers of toxic perfectionism and how it might be holding you back. We tell you why the word should is so dangerous and much more with our guest, Taylor Newendorp.

Do you need more time? Time for work, time for thinking and reading, time for the people in your life, time to accomplish your goals? This was the number one problem our listeners outlined and we created a new video guide that you can get completely for free when you sign up and join our e-mail list. It's called How You Can Create Time for the Things That Really Matter in Life.

You can get it completely for free when you sign up and join the e-mail list at successpodcast.com. You're also going to get exclusive content that's only available to our e-mail subscribers. We recently pre-released an episode in an interview to our e-mail subscribers a week before it went live to our broader audience, and that had tremendous implications because there is a limited offer in there with only 50 available spots that got eaten up by the people who were on the e-mail list first.

With that same interview, we also offered an exclusive opportunity for people on our e-mail list to engage one-on-one for over an hour with one of our guests in a live exclusive interview just for e-mail subscribers. There's some amazing stuff that's available only to e-mail subscribers that's only going on if you subscribe and sign up to the e-mail list. You can do that by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the homepage. Or if you're driving around right now, if you're out and about and you're on the go, you don't have time, just text the word “smarter” to the number 44-222. That’s S-MA-R-T-E-R to the number 44-222.

In our previous episode, we discussed the surprising science of creativity. We started with a fascinating look into how your brain creates reality around you and a science meaning to things that often have no meaning at all. Then, we examined the unlikely relationship between doubt, ambiguity and creativity. We asked how you can chip away at your assumptions, so that you can open up spaces of possibility to be more creative.

We explored the foundations of asking truly great questions and examine the way that doubt can be a powerful force for unleashing creative insights and much more with our previous guest, Dr. Beau Lotto. If you want to create epic breakthroughs in your life, check out our previous episode.

Now for our interview with Taylor.

[0:03:05.4] MB: Today, we have another exciting guest on the show, Taylor Newendorp. Taylor is the Founder and President of the Chicago Counseling Center and specializes in the treatment of obsessive-compulsive disorder, perfectionism and anxiety disorders. He's worked as a practicing therapist for many years and completed the international OCD foundation’s behavioral therapy training institute. He's also the author of The Perfectionism Workbook: Proven Strategies to Break Free From Perfectionism and Achieve Your Goals.

Taylor, welcome to the Science of Success.

[0:03:36.4] TN: Thank you, Matt. I appreciate you having me on.

[0:03:38.6] MB: Well, we're excited to have you on the show today. I'd love to start out with obviously you've done a lot of work around perfectionism and you talked about this idea of the myth of perfection. Tell me a little bit about that.

[0:03:50.4] TN: Yeah, sure. I think a lot of people could probably relate to the fact that especially in our culture, there is a lot of importance placed on doing your best, being successful. There's really nothing wrong with that. Where things go skew, if you will, is when people start to form the belief that they have to be perfect in every respect of their life to achieve success. They have to be perfect in their personal and professional relationships. They have to come across perfectly when they're interacting with anyone on any level and they can't let anybody perceive that they might possess any weaknesses, and that they especially tend to live in fear of people knowing that they might have possibly made a mistake at some point in their life.

This myth of perfection, it is a positive thing that it's something that people could and should strive for in order to have a certain amount of success in their life. The problem is that I think most people probably acknowledge that perfection is simply impossible to achieve. That's because perfection is a – it's a subjective thing. Two different people are not going to define perfection in the same way. Again, it's something that no one could ever really truly achieve.

The problem that is happening more and more for a lot of people is that the more they're striving to attain perfection in their lives and they're simply not achieving it, because again, it's unachievable, they're experiencing a lot of dissatisfaction, a lot of discontent, and that leads to really unpleasant things to experience; certainly stress, anxiety, depression that can even drive some people to really destructive behaviors, whether it's eating disorder behaviors and an attempt to achieve the “perfect body.”

Some people turn to substance abuse of some sort or another, because they can't cope with feeling like a failure all the time. There is a big crossover with perfectionism and a wide range of psychological disorders, especially things like eating disorders, like I mentioned, anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder.

[0:06:12.5] MB: I think you bring up a really good point. It's something we talk a lot about on the show, which is basically the idea that you should try to hide your weaknesses, or ignore your mistakes, or bury your mistakes is really problematic and really dangerous.

[0:06:25.0] TN: Yeah. One thing that I just believe as a person and I see the more I'm on this plan and interacting with all different kinds of humans is that no part of being human is having certain strengths and also having certain weaknesses. A lot of people are very scared to show any vulnerability. In my work with people and what I try and touch on in the book is people actually tend to grow more once they acknowledge their weaknesses and work on ways to improve them and mistakes I do not see as a bad thing. There are some mistakes that can have negative consequences. For the most part as people, we tend to learn the most and grow and develop the most from the mistakes we've made in our lives.

[0:07:18.9] MB: For somebody who's listening that maybe has a tendency to hide their mistakes, or not want to acknowledge their weaknesses, how can they start to chip away at that, or move towards an acceptance of being imperfect?

[0:07:33.9] TN: Sure. One thing to think about is what I just touched on, which is this shared human condition, which is that we're all imperfect and that's just the way it's supposed to be. It's the way we all are. One thing I found really helpful in my work with people is using cognitive behavioral therapy techniques, and e specially the technique within cognitive behavioral therapy, which is understanding any unproductive, or unhealthy thinking you might be engaging in, which ties into the beliefs you hold on to.

Really taking a look at how realistic, or unrealistic those beliefs are and starting to chip away at your beliefs in a way that feels better to you, for lack of a better phrase, and also can lead to more acceptance and productivity.

[0:08:27.8] MB: I definitely want to dig into cognitive behavioral therapy and the implications of that. Before we get too deep down that rabbit hole, I want to come back and understand and dig into this idea of perfectionism a little bit more.

[0:08:41.3] TN: Sure.

[0:08:42.1] MB: Tell me about some of the tendencies, I think you call them the five tendencies of toxic perfectionism. Tell me a little bit more about how those manifested and what each of those are.

[0:08:52.9] TN: Yeah, definitely. Well, the first thing to understand is that there's overlap among all the different tendencies that people who struggle with, what I call dysfunctional perfectionism tend to have. Really quick, I just want to say perfectionism itself, it's a personality trait and people may have some traits that fall under these different perfectionist categories. When I go over them, it's not that anybody fits into just one box. People often share a few of these different, what I call toxic tendencies.

The first one that people really tend to get stuck in and struggle with is what is known as people-pleasing perfectionism. This occurs when people for whatever reason, sometimes it's because of their family environment that they grew up in and certain expectations are placed on them. Sometimes it's because of beliefs they come to form because of expectations placed on them by teachers, coaches, mentors over the years.

People start to form this idea that everything they do in their life must be done in the service of helping someone else feel good about them, if that makes any sense. In essence, they're not really doing anything for themselves. Every action they're taking is designed to please somebody else, and they really feel that they have to get this external stamp of approval to feel good about themselves at all.

This drives people to work excessively. They put self-care way, way, way on the backburner. These are people who get burnt out very frequently, both academically and in their professional careers. These are people who may not be fully honest, or be their true selves when it comes to any personal, or intimate relationship. Again, it all falls under this umbrella of they feel like they have to do everything just to make other people like them.

Again, this is something that is pretty much an impossible and unachievable goal, because I'm of the mindset that no matter what you do in your life, there's no way to please everybody all the time. That's one of the most toxic tendencies of perfectionism.

[0:11:15.0] MB: Before we dig into the next one, I'd love to talk a little bit more about people-pleasing, because I think that's something that resonates for me for sure and I'm sure many listeners also struggle with it. Tell me more about the root cause behind the tendency to want to be a people pleaser.

[0:11:29.7] TN: Yeah, that's a great question. It's hard to know the root cause for everyone, simply because everyone's an individual. One of the reasons I mentioned that perfectionism does seem to be a personality trait is because there's some evidence that's starting to show that this is actually a tendency that people are born with. When you look at people who struggle with perfectionistic tendencies, not all the time, but more often than not, there is a history of other things within the family.

It could be history of things like anxiety, depression, OCD, even a history things like substance abuse and that sort of thing. There's more and more research showing that it's very possible there's actually a genetic component that's influencing people's perfectionistic tendencies. Having said that, people can be born with this genetic predisposition, if you will, and then grow up in an environment that influences these 10 entities even more and really solidifies that what really becomes a need, a perceived need to please to everyone.

Again, everybody's different. A lot of times it does arise out of the environment we grow up. I use an example in The Perfectionism Workbook about a young woman I worked with. She was the youngest of four kids in her house, both parents were a highly successful, very well-liked individuals, her older her siblings all excelled in school, all did very well with their extracurricular activities, had an older brother who was an amateur athlete for a number of years.

She grew up with this expectation that she had to be the best. What she saw was that the more success everyone in her family had, the better lights they were, the more friends they had, the more people were coming around her house day in and day out. She started to internalize and come to form this idea that for me to make other people happy, for me to feel good about myself, I have to please others. The best way I know to do that is to always be at the top of the class. I have to be the best on my volleyball team. I have to not just volunteer for, but be the head of every extracurricular activity I can think of. These are ideas that if people start to believe them at younger ages, childhood, adolescence, they become solidified in early adulthood and it's really at hard to shake those beliefs.

[0:14:03.7] MB: I have a couple questions around this, but want to – I'm curious, how do you ultimately overcome the tendency of people-pleasing? I'm also really curious for somebody who is in that world of wanting to please people and having your identity be routed around feeling like you need to achieve and be successful to be loved, if they resolve that issue, do they then stop being productive? Do they then stop on the journey of success? Or how do you think about that piece of the puzzle?

[0:14:32.7] TN: Yeah, that's an excellent question as well. That's actually something I hear my clients express a fair amount is this fear that if they stop operating the way they have been, if they give up some of their beliefs and their perfectionist expectations of themselves, that somehow they will then flip to this total opposite, which is being a completely unproductive, unliked person.

All I can tell you is I've never once seen that happen to anybody as they've worked on trying to overcome their own perfectionistic tendencies. I think the reason for that is because they have set the bar so high for themselves that they can take the “risk” of lowering the bar a fairly decent amount and they're still going to be performing at a higher level than the average person. They're still going to be liked, just as well as they ever were.

I think one of the most important things for people-pleasing tendencies to explore is when you're undertaking any action and you behavior engaging, or engaging ion, how much of it is because you truly want to because it's something that feels meaningful and fulfilling to you? How much of it is because it feels like it's something you have to do, something you should be doing to make other people like you?

I think a lot of times when people can start to make the distinction that well, I actually about 85%, 90%, 99% of the time, I'm doing things because I feel like I have to. This is something I need to do, I must be doing to have other people like me, then that's where it's crossing the line. It's not really a meaningful fulfilling activity for the individual. They're simply doing it to have other people approve of them.

[0:16:24.4] MB: How do we start to chip away at the foundations of that, or move towards overcoming that tendency?

[0:16:32.3] TN: Yeah. It does take a decent amount of work. This is something I really don't sugarcoat at all, if people want to work on trying to make some changes in their lives and overcome these tendencies that are causing them more harm than good, causing them more stress than fulfillment. It does take a lot of work. It takes a lot of practice. I think the good news is that for people who have perfectionistic tendencies, anyway you're talking about people that tend to be highly intelligent, are usually very creative, people who are persistent, they've learned how to persevere, they're diligent, hard-working.

It's a matter of working with the individual and trying to help them harness those positive attributes they already possess, those skills that they already can implement and just using them in a different way. Really, the main thing to work on time and time again when you're struggling with perfectionism is really taking a look at your own expectations. What are your expectations of yourself? What are your expectations of others and how realistic are they?

It comes back to some of the cognitive behavioral stuff. It's really doing a lot of challenging your own belief system and really being willing to look at things from a different perspective. One of the things I touch on the workbook as well is having what is known as a growth mindset, versus a fixed mindset. People with a fixed mindset tend to operate on the belief that things in life are just the way they are and there's nothing that they can do about them. That can translate to anything. It can be they don't believe they can change the way they think about things, they don't believe there's a different way to manage their emotions, they don't believe that there is any way to function other than what they already know. That's a fixed mindset and ultimately that is very limiting and it keeps people stuck.

With my clients, I talked a lot about trying to adopt a growth mindset, which for lack of a better phrase is just being more open-minded. Even if you're skeptical, at least being open to the possibility that maybe there's a different way for you to look at things, maybe if you're willing to challenge some of your own unproductive thinking patterns and belief systems and start to see things from a slightly different point of view, that is actually a way to feel better about yourself and really reduce stress.

[0:19:07.4] MB: Dr. Carol Dweck, who's the pioneer behind a lot of this mindset research is a previous guest on the show. We'll make sure to include that episode and some other resources we have around fixing growth mindset in the show notes for listeners who want to check that out.

I want to come back to these other tendencies of perfectionism. Tell me about the second of the five tendencies.

[0:19:28.6] TN: The second one often surprises people. It's a person who is a procrastinating perfectionist. I don't like to make sweeping generalizations, but a stereotype that does still exist in our culture of a perfectionist is someone who might also be known as what they call a type of a personality as someone who is working nonstop. Oftentimes in the American workplace, these people are called go-getters and that sort of thing. There are certainly a lot of perfectionists who operate that way.

There's also a huge chunk of people who struggle with perfectionistic tendencies that spend a lot of their time feeling paralyzed and actually their expectations have gotten so unrealistic and so out of control for them that they just live petrified and fear and they procrastinate. They will put off doing something, because they are afraid that they will not get it exactly right. They will put off things like applying for a job, because they're worried that they don't have the perfect application.

They will put off a social interaction, because they're worried that they will not come across perfectly. What if they don't have the right things to say in a conversation? What if someone notices that they seem a little bit nervous, or tired, or off their game? People who really become gradually more and more isolated because their expectations are keeping them stuck in fear. That can also tie into this this fear of making mistakes and like I alluded to, fears of just not coming across as the type of perfect individual they think they should be.

[0:21:19.0] MB: I think it's interesting, because when you talk about perfectionism many people may think, “Hey, I'm not a perfectionist,” but the reality is all these different tendencies can manifest in a number of different ways, whether you're a people pleaser, whether you're a procrastinator. There's a lot of subtle ways that perfectionism can seep into your life. I think it's really insightful to look at these different angles and ways that it may be impacting you.

[0:21:43.4] TN: Oh, I completely agree. I'll say a couple of things to that. First of all, I'm pretty honest with people. I don't consider myself a perfectionist, but I can fully acknowledge I have perfectionistic tendencies. By that, I mean, I have this underlying sense that is with me most of the time throughout the day and night, that no matter what I've done, I probably could have done it better. Or no matter what I've accomplished in the course of the day, a week, a year, there's this sense that I still could have done more. That's both on a professional level and a personal level.

As a parent, I feel there's always more I could be and should be doing as a dad for my kids to take care of my family. On a professional level, I have this ongoing sense that I could always be reading more, I could always be researching more, I could be finding ways to help more people. It's not something that keeps me awake at night. It's not something that causes an undue amount of stress in my life, but it's certainly there. When I talk about things in those terms, I do find that most people can relate to that to some degree.

The other thing I'll say is that more often than not, when I'm treating someone for perfectionism, they have walked into my office and said, “Hey, I'm a perfectionist. Can you help me with that?” It's more that they have noticed, again this feeling of discontent, that no matter what they've achieved, no matter what's happened for them in their lives, they're not satisfied, they don't feel good about what they've done, they don't feel good about themselves as individuals, so they keep pushing themselves harder and harder that causes a lot of stress and anxiety.

Or on the flipside like we were just touching on, I get people who come in because maybe they've been out of college, or grad school for a year, or two years, three years and they haven't found a job yet, because again, they're frozen in fear. They're so worried that they're not going to get everything perfect, get the perfect position, whatever it may be, that they've been sitting around being inactive for years. That also does not feel good to them.

There is dysfunctional perfectionism, which is when these expectations and these tendencies are impacting you 24/7. There's certainly a fair amount of people out there struggling with that, but I completely agree with you that a lot of people have these tendencies, with a few of them to some degree, it just may not be impacting them to the point where they think they need professional help, or they need to do something like take up a self-help book.

[0:24:22.2] MB: I think it bears repeating that you may not describe yourself as somebody who is a perfectionist and yet, you might be suffering from – you might be a people pleaser, or you might be a chronic procrastinator, or you might be highly critical of yourself and you might have negative self-talk, all of these are different manifestations of what you're essentially calling perfectionism.

[0:24:45.0] TN: Yes. I completely agree. I'm glad you mentioned the self-criticism and the negative self-talk. These are things I see across the board for people that I'm treating for anything. It doesn't have to be for perfectionism, but that is a huge factor with something like depression. People experience low mood, because they're being very, very hard on themselves. Again, it's this idea that no matter what they've done, it's not good enough, they could always be better. If you constantly feel like you're not good enough, of course you're going to feel down, of course you're going to feel depressed.

On the other side, maybe that's causing a high amount of anxiety because you feel no matter what, you should be pushing yourself harder and harder and harder. Those are the types of things that lead to burnout.

[0:25:31.8] MB: How can we re-conceptualize or deal more effectively with negative self-talk and being very self-critical?

[0:25:39.8] TN: This is an area where I know I've mentioned cognitive behavioral therapy a couple times, this is an area where I really find that mode of therapy, that mode of treatment to be really highly effective. Cognitive behavioral therapy in a nutshell is really getting a solid understanding of how your thoughts, your feelings and your behaviors all impact one another. Whether or not we're fully aware of it, those things are almost always influencing one another.

I truly believe that the way we think about things has a direct impact on our emotions, on our feelings and those can be emotional feelings, it can be physical sensations that go along with stress, it can be muscle tension, that sort of thing. It can be even how we feel about ourselves as people, and the way we're thinking about things, the way we're feeling certainly influences our behavior and influences how we act or when it comes to procrastination, it can translate to a lack of action.

Within cognitive behavioral therapy, a lot of it again is looking at your thought process. What are your expectations of yourself, of others? What are your beliefs about yourself as an individual? Are those just ideas you've been telling yourself, or you've heard maybe from other people in your life, or are you able to use some objective evidence from your own life to challenge these beliefs you form? I really think examining your own thought process is a huge, huge key to overcoming some of this stuff.

Also within cognitive behavioral therapy is a mode of treatment that is much more action-oriented and that's called exposure and response prevention. This is something I use very frequently with people with OCD, anxiety disorders, any specific phobias, or panic attacks. It works very well for people who live in fear of making mistakes. Exposure and response prevention is basically just what it sounds like. It's actually purposely exposing yourself to something that tends to produce some amount of anxiety, or distress, or discomfort for you and then preventing your usual response.

One example would be okay, say someone has an important proposal they're working on for work. The perfectionistic tendency would be that they have to get every single detail exactly right. That might be things like working on it many, many, many, many more hours than anybody else in their position would do. It can lead to things like almost compulsively rereading, rechecking what they've created, what they've written, going over it again and again and again and again, just to make sure they haven't missed a single detail, again out of fear of making a mistake.

The exposure piece would be taking something like that and having the person actually try and work on resisting, or preventing their usual response. It would be okay, write up this proposal and do your best to turn it in without checking them more than twice. I've come up with little ways to try different exposures with people. I will have them send me a quick e-mail without checking it. I will have them tell me something that is inaccurate, or is wrong. I will have them write me an e-mail with spelling errors, or again, where they've just got an effect completely wrong, so they're actually actively practicing making mistakes.

The way the process works is that the more people are actually – they'd seen this thing that causes a lot of distress to them and learning that they can tolerate it, any stress or discomfort around it starts to fade. That actually allows people to see, “Okay, once I get past the anxiety of getting something wrong, I'm actually better able to see what I have learned from it. Maybe I've learned that hey I can tolerate some discomfort, or maybe I've learned that it's okay to not be the world's best speller. It's okay to misspell things now and then. Nobody is judging me negatively and life goes on.”

[0:29:58.0] MB: I love exposure and response. I think that's such a powerful framework. Before we go deeper into that, I want to come back to cognitive behavioral therapy. I want to really concretely look at this for a second. Tell me about how does – someone listening to this episode, how would they implement that into their life? How would they implement CBT at a really specific and granular level?

[0:30:21.6] TN: I think the first step, which is really the basis of any CBT work is learning about it and understanding what are known as cognitive distortions. Cognitive distortions are any unhealthy irrational, or simply inaccurate thinking patterns that people might be engaging in. These are actually things that are pretty easy to find. Even with a quick internet search of cognitive distortions, people can start to learn about all the different categories of distorted thinking patterns that tend to be a product of and further exacerbate things like anxiety, depression and stress.

Some examples, one that I really think is probably the most applicable to people who struggle with perfectionism and people with tendencies is what are known as ‘should statements’. There's a whole category of distorted thinking patterns that simply revolve around the word ‘should’. As people telling themselves things like, “Well, I should be at the top of my class. I should be the top salesman in my company. I should never get anything wrong. I should be happy all the time.”

All these things are telling themselves over and over again that they should, or again, feel they have to be doing. That can be a pretty destructive distorted thinking pattern. Other thinking patterns that people get stuck in that's into being productive is all or nothing, or what is known as black-and-white distorted thinking. It's really, that's a very limiting one, because in any given situation you're really only giving yourself two options. An example would be, I have to be perfect or else, I'm a complete failure.

When you really have people look at beliefs like that and break them down, that's when change starts to occur. People can step back, look at things like that a little bit more objectively and say out loud, that's unrealistic and are those really my only two options in life? If I'm not perfect, does that necessarily automatically translate to me being a complete failure? No. Most people would say it's not.

To get back to your question, I really think learning and familiarizing yourself with all the different types of cognitive distortions that are out there is the first step when it comes to cognitive behavioral therapy. Then breaking down how you tend to feel, how you tend to react when you're thinking those things.

Again, for the person that's highly self-critical and is always beating themselves up over and over again, they can recognize that the more they do that, the worse they feel. Again, it can be feeling down, it can be feeling dissatisfied, it can be flat-out anxiety and panic. It's understanding the connection between thoughts and feelings and then like I touched on how those things might be influencing the way you're behaving in any given circumstance, whether it's a social interaction, or whether it's a task you're working on for work, whatever it may be.

Really, it's getting a clear, clear picture for yourself of how those things are all influencing one another. Then with CBT, really coming back to the thought process again, again and again and really challenging it. One question I frequently ask people and this is not something I came up with, this is an old-school standard CBT question is okay, this thought you're telling yourself over and over again about yourself, or about other people, whatever it may be, if you had to stand up in front of a judge and jury in a court of law and prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that this thought you were thinking is 100% true, what a holdup.

If it's a distorted thought, almost every time the answer is no. People can identify, I have no evidence to back this thought up. I have no evidence to show me that I'm a failure. I have no evidence, no hard evidence from my own life to show me that people don't like me. Time and time again, it really comes back to challenging the unproductive thinking. I'm trying to gain a new perspective and people do see that has a direct impact on another feeling in general, how they're feeling about themselves and has a direct impact on how they're acting.

[0:34:41.9] MB: It seems like expectations are at the root of many of these tendencies and limiting beliefs.

[0:34:48.2] TN: Yeah. Again, I think this is where I have the advantage of being a therapist, being a counselor where I have the time to really help people explore those expectations, again where they came from, were these direct messages they were receiving from other people in their lives, or these things that have been influenced by our society in general, I can tell you for a lot of people I work with, male and female who are struggling with any eating disorder or body image issues. A lot of people get into these societal expectations of how they “should look,” how their bodies “should be.” When it crosses a line and to again, these perfectionistic expectations of how they think they should look, that's where it can get really destructive and unhealthy.

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[0:37:54.0] MB: I want to come back to exposure and response, because I think that's such a great framework, even things as simple as social interactions. We've had previous guest on the show Jia Jiang, who talked about the idea of rejection therapy, which is a great way to get comfortable with uncomfortable social interactions. Tell me a little bit more about the science behind why exposure and response is such a useful tool for dealing with any discomfort, or negative experiences that we have.

[0:38:24.7] TN: Yeah. What tends to happen for people if there is something that causes them anxiety, if there's something that causes them discomfort, more often than not, the response is to try and avoid it somehow. Or if they're feeling really uncomfortable, try and instantly distract themselves by any means they can think of. Avoidance and distraction are the most common ways people tend to react to something that causes discomfort.

What happens over time is the more people are avoiding something, it's actually increasing their anxiety around it. An easy example would be something, like someone who has a fear of dogs. It can be for whatever reason, maybe they had a bad experience when they were younger, or dog tried to bite them, maybe not. Or for whatever reason, they formed this fear of dogs. Because dogs make them uncomfortable and they tend to get stressed and anxious around them, their solution is to avoid it.

Again, what's happening over time is the more they're making all these efforts to stay away from dogs at all costs, it's helping that fear just grow larger and larger in their brain, and t no point are they giving themselves the opportunity to learn that if they actually faced a dog and hung out with a dog, that anxiety around the dog itself would probably start to fade some.

The science behind exposure and response prevention is helping people identify really specific triggers that do tend to produce that discomfort, or distress for them. Then gradually, systematically having them start to face those triggers in any way that they can think of, in any way that their counselor can think of.

What tends to happen, more often than not, it's not a 100%, nothing is, but more often than not, when people gradually and systematically expose themselves these feared stimuli over and over and over again, the brain starts to engage in new learning. The brain starts to adjust, new neural pathways are formed and that directly translates to feeling us anxious. In a nutshell, people start to learn, “Hey, I can handle this. I've spent most of my life avoiding this and reinforcing this idea I was telling myself that I can't deal with this, I can't tolerate this, I can't handle this,” but once they actually face it and endure that initial discomfort around it, like I said the brain starts to figure out, “Oh, actually this does not need to be perceived as a threat and I can tolerate this.” Even if there is ongoing discomfort around it, that discomfort tends to be far less and it tends to come and go much more quickly.

[0:41:05.7] MB: It's really interesting that the more you avoid something, the greater your fear and anxiety around that becomes. I'm curious, and this was the next thing I wanted to dig into, how does that relate to the connection between perfectionism and OCD?

[0:41:22.1] TN: Okay, great question. The first thing I’ll say is a lot of times people are curious, or don't seem to really get it when I say I treat perfectionism. Actually, the way I became exposed to perfectionism as an issue and as a clinical issue, I was primarily through my work with people with obsessive compulsive disorder.

Just to make a quick distinction, OCD is very much, it is a brain disorder. Most of the research points to the fact that people are most likely born with OCD and they experience events later on in life that tend to have a pop out, or come to the service. Perfectionism itself is not OCD. Like I said earlier, it it's more of a personality trait. People can possess perfectionistic characteristics without having obsessive compulsive disorder.

The overlap is that for people with OCD and again, this is a blanket statement. There are a bunch of different subtypes of OCDs. This is not really doing it justice. For a lot of people with OCD, they are engaging in compulsive behaviors to get a sense that things feel just right. You could use any number of examples. Again, it's totally subjective based on the individual.

One example could be okay, I walk into my office and I close the door behind me. Then I get the obsession. The obsession is an intrusive thought, or doubt that did I close the door behind me? Because that doubt is so strong for the person with OCD, then they then feel the need to engage in a compulsion. The compulsion would be like, “Okay, then I need to check the door handle again and to make sure it's closed.” They would do that.

Again, the nature of the disorder is that no matter how many times a person engages in a compulsion, there’s still the lingering doubt. People will often describe that they will go back to a compulsive act over and over and over again, until something changes a little bit in their brain and again, they just get this feeling where they get this sense that then it feels right, then it feels it's okay and they can move on.

The crossover with that and perfectionism is that again, someone may not have OCD, but they may be engaging in a perfectionist behavior, like I alluded to, okay. I'm going to read and reread this e-mail over and over and over and over again, until I can make sure it's just right. I can make sure it feels okay and it seems like it's mistake-free and I feel like it's perfect, or as close to perfect as it's going to get.

That's one example of how there can be a crossover. Again, there are many different types of OCD, but one of the subtypes is people who struggle with things like organization and symmetry and they can again, translate to anything. It can be feeling everything on their desk has to be lined up just right, clothes have to be put away in their drawers a very specific certain way. That gets jumbled up along a lot of times with feeling like things have to be perfect, for lack of a better word.

[0:44:33.1] MB: I want to come back to now and talk about the solution to some of these challenges, which you talk about and describe self-acceptance and self-compassion. I love the way you phrased it in the last chapter of your book, which is being enough and achieving your goals without fear. Tell me more about that.

[0:44:51.4] TN: Yeah. One of the reasons I wanted to talk about working towards goals and trying to achieve goals is because I think it's very important to have goals. That's what keeps us moving forward in life. Again, whether it's a personal goal, a professional goal we set for ourselves. It's something that drives us. It's something that keeps us moving forward and it can translate to people achieving a high amount of success in their lives and achieving contentment in their personal lives, achieving a sense of self-satisfaction.

The problem with perfectionism is that more often than not, when people are striving towards these goals, first of all, the goals they've set for themselves are unrealistic, many times unattainable, impossible. The work they're doing towards those goals is motivated by fear, it's motivated by stress. Again, it's this sense that is something they absolutely must have to be doing, or else they're worthless as a person.

Then a lot of times when people don't achieve those unrealistic goals they set for themselves, that just sets off a whole other cycle of self-criticism and negative self-talk, which is perpetuates anxiety and depression.

One of the areas of CBT that I touch on towards the end of the workbook is acceptance and commitment therapy, which is again, not doing a full justice, but in a nutshell, understanding what you value in your life, what is most important and meaningful to you. Then taking a look at whether or not the goals you've set for yourself actually fall in-line with those values, and if there’s things that are going to actually help you have more of a sense of fulfillment in your life.

When people are setting goals for themselves that are more based on what they value in their life, what is meaningful and important to them and they're making those goals specific and measurable and again, meaningful, that actually tends to provide a lot of natural motivation for them. It starts to translate to this sense of they're doing something that they a want to do, versus this perceive me that it's something they have to do to again, please others, or something they absolutely must do if they're ever going to feel slightly decent about themselves as a human being.

Along with the acceptance piece of things is a mindfulness component. This is an area that I really found to be highly beneficial when I'm working with people who've come in seeking help for really any issue. I think you guys know, really at its core, mindfulness is more about just observing things, observing how you're feeling, observing what it is you're thinking about, observing how you and others are acting in your daily life and trying to just make observations without touching any judgement to them.

The problem with dysfunctional perfectionism, again a lot of it comes back to these expectations people place on themselves, is that if they're not achieving what they think they should be, then that leads to a lot of negative self-judgment. The more they're judging themselves negatively, again that's just going to perpetuate things like stress, insecurity, anxiety and depression.

[0:48:22.4] MB: What would one piece of homework be that you would give listeners to concretely implement some of the ideas and themes that you've talked about today?

[0:48:30.4] TN: I think the first thing for anybody that thinks that this might be causing some amount of unrest in their life is to sit down and do what I call a self-inventory of your own expectations. I know we've talked about that a lot, but it's the keystone towards working on all this other stuff we've been addressing.

The first piece of homework I give people when I meet with them in my office is the same thing I would recommend to anybody out there, is take some time to sit down and just be completely and totally honest with yourself, what are your expectations for yourself? Really try and be as thorough, as comprehensive as possible. What are your expectations for yourself when it comes to finances? What are your expectations for yourself when it comes to personal relationships? That can be friendships, it can be intimate relationships, it can be family relationships.

What are your expectations of yourself of how you “should be” when you're interacting with people socially? What are your expectations of yourself when it comes to your lifestyle? That can include your health habits, exercise, diet, whatever it may be. What are your expectations for yourself as far as how you want to feel? Again, what are your expectations as far as what you want to achieve for yourself?

More often than not, when people sit down and they're really honest and they take time and they do this homework assignment really well, they can sit back, read over and recognize, “That's unrealistic, that's unrealistic, that's causing me a lot of distress.” When people are able to step back from their own thoughts and expectations and get a little bit more of an objective perspective, that's the groundwork you need to start to really challenge and change any unproductive thinking and work on just accepting yourself as you are, and working towards more realistic and again, more meaningful, more fulfilling expectations.

[0:50:34.1] MB: Where can listeners find you and your work online?

[0:50:37.8] TN: I've tried to make my website from my practice a pretty good resource for people, and that's just chicagocounselingcenter.com. I've got a few blog posts on there that address perfectionism, address different subtypes of obsessive compulsive disorder, some of the treatment methods we've talked about, like exposure and response prevention, CBT, mindfulness. I also have links to other great sites that are out there for resources. I have a link to my book on there.

When I created The Perfectionism Workbook, I really tried to make it as comprehensive as possible. I try to think about all the different facets of perfectionism I've seen and really countless clients I’ve had over the years, and I've tried to throw in pretty much every different treatment technique I've tried with people that's had any positive result. It's a very skills-based book, it is a workbook, it requires a lot of work on the individual. So far, the feedback I'm getting on it is that it's practical, it's helpful and it seems to be a pretty decent resource for people struggling with some of these tendencies.

[0:51:48.2] MB: Well Taylor, thank you so much for coming on the show, for sharing all this knowledge and wisdom with our listeners. It's been a pleasure to have you here.

[0:51:54.8] TN: Thank you very much, Matt. I appreciate you taking the time. It was a pleasure speaking with you as well.

[0:52:01.7] MB: If you're a fan of the podcast’s focus on evidence-based growth and you're an entrepreneur, or business executive, my question to you is this; with the hours you invest in personal growth each month, how many of the tactics and strategies that you learn are you actually implementing to push your career and business forward? If there's a gap between what you're learning and what you're actually doing and it's costing you opportunity, or real concrete financial and career growth, you should check out my Science of Action Project.

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November 01, 2018 /Lace Gilger
Focus & Productivity, Emotional Intelligence
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The Shocking Counter-Intuitive Science Behind The Truth of Positive Thinking with Dr. Gabriele Oettingen

September 27, 2018 by Lace Gilger in Emotional Intelligence, Focus & Productivity

In this episode we discuss the shocking truth about the dangers of positive thinking. Is it always good to visualize your goals? Could there be potential downsides to daydreams and fantasies about the future? How can we identify what stands in the way of our goals and take concrete action to get there? We look at these questions and much more, along with a proven evidence-based methodology for creating effective behavior change - to actually achieve what you want - with our guest Dr. Gabriele Oettingen

Dr. Gabriele Oettingen is a Professor of Psychology at New York University and the University of Hamburg. She is the creator of the WOOP process and author of the book Rethinking Positive Thinking: Inside The New Science of Motivation. Her work has been featured in The Harvard Business Review, NPR’s Hidden Brain, and much more!

  • Positive thinking must be positive, right?

  • The shocking and counter-intuitive science behind the truth about positive thinking

  • The myth of “positive thinking” and “being optimistic” is very seductive - but it can be dangerous and misleading

  • Positive fantasies and daydreams about the future can be very helpful when we think about improving our mood - but when it comes to actually executing and creating results, positive fantasies can have a serious negative impact on our behavior and our results

  • Should (or can) we dismiss positive fantasies and daydreams?

  • Positive fantasies and daydreams are important because they give our action a direction to move in, and yet they impede actually taking action in that direction?

  • Why is it that positive fantasies and dreams stop us from achieving our goals? 

  • Positive fantasies make you feel like you’ve already attained the desired future and the impression that you’re already there

  • Studies show that inducing positive fantasies about the future causes a drop in energy and motivation

  • Positive fantasies and daydreams sap our energy for moving towards our goals

  • Mental Contrasting of the Positive Future and the Inner Obstacles of Reality standing in the way of that positive future

  • What is it in me that stands in the way of realizing my goals?

  • Emotions

    1. Anxiety

    2. Irrational Beliefs / Limiting Beliefs

    3. Bad Habits

  • By identifying your inner obstacles you will understand if you want to, or if you can, overcome it 

  • You need energy and motivation to overcome your obstacles

  • The difference between a fantasy, a daydream, and a goal 

  • Mental contrasting helps you prioritize your goals and figure out the right ones to pursue 

  • The myth of “positive thinking” and “being optimistic” is very seductive - but it can be dangerous and misleading

  • Most of our wishes are more challenging, difficult, and complicated than we think they are

  • Sheer positive visualization won’t help you get to your goals, and may be harming you and making it less likely for you to achieve your goals 

  • Positive visualization creates a measurable physical change in your body that makes you less likely to the action and create results 

  • The idea that you have an obstacle in the way will stir up the energy necessary to overcome your obstacles

  • Thinking about your obstacles will produce strategies that will help you overcome your obstacles

  • The Conscious Exercise of Mental Contrasting triggers nonconscius processes and the conscious processes do the work

  • The work of Mental Contrasting builds associative links to the subconscious that produces the behavior change necessary to achieve your goals

  • 3 Key Processes that predict effective behavior change 

  • Cognitive associate link between obstacle and behavior - Reinterpretation of reality based on this framework

    1. Energization towards your goals

    2. You can effectively process feedback towards your goals without your self esteem or ego being hurt

  • Conscious work of Mental Contrasting leads to automatic subconscious behavior changes

  • You can complement Mental Contrasting with If/Then Plans called implementation intentions

  • If I encounter ___OBSTACLE___ then I will ___SOLUTION

  • The combination of Mental Contrasting + Implementation Intentions it the “WOOP” Strategy

  • Wish

    1. Outcome (imagine)

    2. Obstacle (imagine)

    3. Plan (if/then)

  • It only takes 5-10 mins to apply the WOOP methodology - 5-10 mins of concentrated focus

  • Slow

    1. Uninterrupted

    2. Focused

    3. By yourself

  • WOOP builds the subconscious framework that creates the behaviors that result in action

  • WOOP is a skill you can learn and its different because it draws on automatic subconscious processes to create behavioral change

  • How to Your wish needs to be both challenging and feasible

  • WOOP is a discovery tool - dig a little deeper into your wishes - what is it really that stands in the way?

  • Implementation Intentions - if situation X arises, I will do Y

  • Implementation are a research validated strategy for linking your obstacles with key behaviors to make sure you implement/execute your plan

  • Homework: WOOP for yourself (details on woopmylife.org)

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Show Notes, Links, & Research

  • [Website] WOOP My Life

  • [Website] About WOOP

  • [Website] Science of WOOP

  • [Article] Implementation Intentions by Peter M. Gollwitzer and Gabriele Oettingen

Episode Transcript

[00:00:19.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[00:00:11] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success, the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than 2 million downloads, listeners in over a hundred countries and part of the Self-Help for Smart People Podcast Network. 

In this episode, we discuss the shocking truth about the dangers of positive thinking. Is it always good to visualize your goals? Could there be potential downsides to daydreams and fantasies about the future? How can we identify what stands in the way of our goals and take concrete action to get there? We look at these questions and much more along with the proven evidence-based methodology for creating effective behavior change to actually achieve what you want with our guest, Dr. Gabriele Oettingen. 

Do you need more time; time for work time, for thinking and reading, time for the people in your life, time to accomplish your goals? This was the number one problem our listeners outlined and we created a new video guide that you can get completely for free when you sign up and join our email list. It's called How You Can Create Time for the Things That Really Matter in Life. You can get it completely for free when you sign up and join the email list at successpodcast.com.

You're also going to get exclusive content that's only available to our email subscribers. We recently pre-released an episode in an interview to our email subscribers a week before it went live to our broader audience. That had tremendous implications, because there is a limited offer in there with only 50 available spots that got eaten up by the people who were on the e-mail list first. With that same interview, we also offered an exclusive opportunity for people on our e-mail list to engage one-on-one for over an hour with one of our guests in a live exclusive interview, just for e-mail subscribers.

There's some amazing stuff that's available only to email subscribers that's only going on if you subscribe and sign up to the email list. You can do that by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the homepage. Or, if you're driving around right now, if you're out and about and you're on the go, you don't have time, just text the word “smarter” to the number 44222. That's S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44222.

In our previous episode, we went deep on the science of performing under pressure. We looked at why some people perform under pressure and others don’t. We discussed the skill of flexibility and fluid intelligence, explored the differences between stress and pressure. Looked at the concrete strategies for managing both of those in your life and much more with our previous guest; Dr. Hank Weisinger. 

If you want to learn how to perform when it matters most, listen to that episode. Now, for our interview with Gabrielle. 

[00:02:55] MB: Today, we have another exciting guest on the show, Dr. Gabriele Oettingen. Gabriele is a professor of psychology at New York University and the University of Hamburg. She’s the creator of the WOOP process and the author of the book; Rethinking Positive Thinking: Inside the New Science of Motivation. Her work has been featured in the Harvard Business Review, NRP’s Hidden Brain and much more. 

Gabriele, welcome to the Science of Success.  

[00:03:19] GO: Thank you for having me. 

[00:03:21] MB: Well, we’re very excited to have you on the show today, and I’m really pumped to dig in to the kind of research and the conclusions that you’ve uncovered, which I think kind of go against a lot of these sort of traditional kind of conventional wisdom of much of kind of the self-help world. 

[00:03:37] GO: Yeah. At the beginning, it was interesting, because our findings were counterintuitive, and actually it went against our own expectations. We thought positive thinking must be positive, but then when we did our first studies, we found that positive thinking actually can be detrimental when it comes to realizing these positive daydreams and fantasies which we have for the future. 

So positive thinking in terms of daydreams and fantasies and visions about the future can be very helpful when it comes to increasing our mood or exploring all the different possibilities we might have for the future. But when it comes to fulfilling our wishes and to reaching our fantasies, then they are detrimental. 

For example, we found the more positively women who were involved in a weight reduction program fantasized and daydreamt about their success in the program the less well they did later on. Three months later, they lost fewer pounds. One year later, they lost fewer pounds, and even two years later. 

But also in other areas, in the academic area, in the professional area, in the interpersonal area, and the house area. For example, the more positively university graduates fantasized about a good transition in work-life, the fewer dollars they earned two years later, the fewer job offers they had gotten. What is interesting, the fewer applications they had sent out, or the more positively students fantasized about a good grade in the exam, the less well they did. Or in the interpersonal domain, the more positively students fantasized about getting together with a person they had a crush on, the less likely they were to actually get together with that person. Or with the elderly in the house domain, the more positively hip replacements surgery, patients fantasized about an easy recovery. The less well could they move their joint two weeks later, the less well was their general recovery and the fewer steps they could actually walk. 

It seems as pleasurable as these fantasies and these daydreams are, they are a risk for not actually reaching our fantasies and daydreams. Then we thought, “Oh my! What shall we do? Shall we just dismiss these positive fantasies and daydreams, or we can’t really?” Because these positive fantasies and daydreams, they come from our needs. 

When you have a need, meaning you have a deficiency. For example, you don’t have enough water. Then you suddenly start fantasizing about getting to the water fountain, about drinking a nice fresh glass of water. So we did experimental studies where we compared with the people with the need, let’s say for water, would fantasize more positively about drinking water than people who would have a need in a different area, and that’s exactly what we found. 

You can also do it with psychological needs. For example, if you deprive people of meaning, they will fantasize about a meaningful job. Or if you deprive people of interpersonal relationships, they suddenly fantasize about meeting a friend. So we cannot dismiss these positive fantasies and daydreams because they give action the direction. But why do they then impede the realization of these fantasies? 

We did some studies for that question too. We asked, “Why is it that these positive fantasies actually kind of stand against attaining them in the future?” We found that these positive fantasies make people feel already having attained the future. They positively fantasized and visualize the positive future in their mind, and that gives them the impression that they’re already there. They’re already in the goal box, if you want. If you are already there, what do you do? You relax. So energy goes down. 

With these studies, for example, where we induced positive fantasies about the future as compared to negative fantasies, or questioning fantasies, or factual thoughts, or no thoughts at all, and we found that when you induce these positive fantasies, that people actually relaxed. They feel less energized. You can also measure that by blood pressure. So systolic blood pressure goes down, meaning these positive fantasies give action the direction, but they sap our energy. 

Then the next question was, “What can we do so that people who positively fantasize about the future get the energy of actually going the cumbersome way to reach these positive fantasies and daydreams?” Now, what will be the answer to that question? The answer to that questions might be they say compliment these positive fantasies and daydreams with a healthy sense of reality. That’s actually then how we proceed at this research. We said, “Okay, what you need to do is you can make people fantasize about the future and positively visualize all these desired events.” But then you need to make them aware that they’re not already there.  How can you do that? You just sort of ask them to find and imagine the obstacle in the way, the obstacle in themselves that stand in the way that they actually go the cumbersome way or realizing these positive daydreams and fantasies. 

What you need to do is what we call mental contrasting, mental contrasting of the positive future and the inner obstacle of reality standing in the way of attaining the positive future. If you do that, so you think about, “What do I really want of the future? What is my dearest wish? What is it that I want? Not what other people want me to do necessarily. What I want? What do I want for the future?” Then you identify this wish and you summarize it in a couple of words. 

Then you say in order to really stir up these positive energies, you say, “What would be the best outcome if I realized that wish? What would be the best thing? How would I feel?” Then you identify the best outcome, and then you imagine that best outcome, and that’s exactly this positive fantasies and daydreams, which we’re just talking about.

Instead of stopping there and indulging in these positive fantasies, you now change gears and you say, “What is it in me that stands in the way that I realize this dear wish and that I experience the positive outcome? What stops me? What is it in me that impedes me? What is my main inner obstacle?” 

That’s neat, because now you want to stand, what is it in your way, and it might be an emotion, anxiety. It might be an irrational belief. Somebody said at some point something about you which you took to heart. It might be a bad habit. Just these kind of automatic things you do. But by identifying what it is in you that stands in the way, you will find that inner obstacle. What you do then, imagine, you imagine that inner obstacle occurring. You will understand what you can do to overcome that obstacle and you will also understand that you need energy to overcome that obstacle, and you will understand whether it’s worthwhile to overcome that obstacle. 

So by identifying that inner obstacle, you will understand whether you actually want to overcome it and whether you actually can overcome it. If it’s not too costly and you can overcome it, you will now fully commit to realizing your wish and experiencing that outcome. So now you have a goal. You don’t have a kind of uncommittal wish anymore. Now you have a goal. You say, “Okay. Yes! That’s what I want to go for. That’s what I really want.” 

But if the obstacle is too costly or simply not surmountable, then you will say, “Hmm, maybe I should adjust the wish a little bit. Not 7 times in the week exercise, for example, but maybe just 4 times. You say, “Well, at the moment, it’s not a good time, because I’m in the end of my exams. But as soon as the exams are over, then it would be a better point in time.” 

Or you will say, “This is just too costly, or it’s simply not surmountable,” and then you can let go and say, “Okay, I invest my energy in more promising endeavors and not in trying to reach a wish that is not attainable after all.” 

So what mental contrasting does, it helps you prioritize your wishes, and commit to those and pursue those that are dear to your hear and are feasible and de-commit or not pursue those goals or those wishes that are either too costly, not opportune in your life right now, or are simply not reachable. 

Mental contrasting helps you to clean up your life to say, “Yes! This is what I really want. Yes! Let’s go for it. And this is what I better let go.” That’s the reason why it is a need, because you get clarity about what you want and what you can do and where you want to put your energy and your resources in.

[00:16:03] MB: There’s a couple of places I want to dig in, and there are so many different things that you’ve brought up that I want to explore further. Kind of coming back to the original premise, which I find really fascinating, you basically set out to discover the benefits of positive thinking and yet sort of counter to your own expectations or predications about what your research would show, your work kind of started to peel back the layers and reveal that in many instances the science shows that our daydreams and our fantasies can actually negatively impact our progress towards our goals. 

[00:16:33] GO: Yes, exactly. That’s so counterintuitive not only because prior research has not focused on that, but it’s also counter our culture that we can think, “Oh! Positive visions, positive kind of fantasies, daydreams, they’re always good.” Not necessarily. It depends on for what? Yes, for mood, for exploratory reasons, they’re good. You feel good. They’re pleasurable. But at the same time, they bare the danger that you will never get it.  

[00:17:11] MB: So how did we kind of come up with this or kind of land with this cultural myth that we should think positive, that we should be optimistic, that all of the kind of traditional or typical kind of jargon that you’ll see in many self-help books and a lot of personal development literature, how did we end up with that and how do we kind of move beyond it? 

[00:17:34] GO: Well I wish I could have an imperative answer to that. I certainly don’t, because I don’t know how these myths developed overtime in history in our culture. But it’s very seductive to think that just by positively fantasizing about the future, you would already reach the positive future. It’s so seductive to think you could reach the positive future without actually going the cumbersome way to reaching it. Most of our wishes are more complex and they are more difficult to reach than just stretching out the hand and doing it. 

Now, you could say, “Well, you don’t need mental contrasting if the wish is super easy, or if you can just do it automatically.” Then you don’t need it. But as soon as a wish a little bit more difficult, needs a little bit more effort, needs a little bit more complex thinking to be reached, then sheer positive visualizing will just not bring this future to you. 

[00:18:51] MB: So tell me a little bit more about kind of the mechanism by which this sort of positive visualization or daydreaming and positive thinking starts to kind of sap our energy or prevent us or slow us down from sort of achieving our goals and dreams.

[00:19:08] GO: Well, what we find is that people who are positively fantasizing, versus those who are induced to negatively fantasize or produce questioning fantasies or produce factual thoughts and just experimentally induced, that these positive fantasies, which are induced, that they lead people to relax. This is actually measurable by feelings and by systolic blood pressure. We find that people feel already there. They mentally feel themselves already in place. That’s what we then kind of disturb by doing mental contrasting. We interrupt that, “Oh! I’m already there,” by putting in the obstacle of reality and say, “Hmm, what is standing in the way that you are already in the goal box, if you want? What is that in your way?” 

By making people aware what it is that stands in the way, we can actually interrupt that complacency that people have when they just kind of go on the little visualization journey into the future. The idea that you have an obstacle in the way, then will stir up the energy to overcome that obstacle. The resistance which we put in by making people aware that there is an obstacle in them will produce this energy to overcome that obstacle, and it will produce, when you think about the obstacle, it will produce strategies that are opportune to overcome that obstacle. It doesn’t matter whether this obstacle is kind of emotional, or whether it is an irrational belief, or whether it is a bad habit or so, it produces anyway these strategies to overcome that obstacle. 

In mental contrasting, the non-contrast processes that actually produced the behavior change, produced the prioritization, and then the active unsuccessful pursuit of the goal and the let go of the wish. These mechanism, they are non-contrast. That is really neat, because mental contrasting is a counterstrategy. Okay, you define the wish, you define the best outcome, you imagine the best outcome, you define the inner obstacle, you imagine the inner obstacle. What then happens is if you have an surmountable wish, then non-contrastly, meaning outside of your awareness, the future will be connected to the obstacle of reality. The obstacle of reality will be connected to the behavior to overcome the obstacle. 

So these associative links are triggered by the contrast technique of mental contrasting, and these associative links are completely uttered of people’s awareness and they then predict the behavior change. They are the mediators of behavior change. 

What happens then also is that people automatically, without that they know, will understand that the reality is an obstacle. So the party on Sunday night or Saturday night is now an obstacle to doing well on the exam on Tuesday. It’s not a fun anymore. We interpret it in non-contrast terms as an obstacle, rather than a fun party. 

The idea really is that these conscious exercise triggers these non-contrast processes, and these non-contrast processes then do the job for you. What then happens too is that the energy goes up, and we measure that again by systolic blood pressure. When you do mental contrasting of a feasible wish, then the systolic blood pressure goes up and it predicts then the increased effort and the increased success. 

What happens then as a third component is that when you get setbacks or when somebody criticizes you or have negative feedback, that you process that negative feedback really well, so you get all the information out of these negative feedback. So you don’t take it personally. Meaning, you are not defensive. You’re not defensive. You take the negative feedback. You take the setbacks and helpful, useful information to reach your wish. 

These three processes; one, cognitive, associatively between future and the obstacle in between the obstacle, and the behavior to overcome the obstacle. The reinterpretation of the reality as, “Oh! This is an obstacle. The second component of mechanisms is the energization. So that’s motivational. First cognitive, second motivation, more energy. Now I have the energy ready to help me reach my wish. Then the third component or the third mechanism is that I can effectively process the feedback, the kind of setbacks, and I will process them without that myself concept or my self-esteem is hurt. 

All these three processes will the predict the behavior change. So it is as if you automatize your behavior. So you do the conscious exercise that leads you to automatically behave in a way that you do what needs to be done to reach your wishes, or also to let go from your wishes. So you can actually rely on these processes, which you aren’t even aware of. That’s neat, because if you apply it, you do the strategy of mental contrasting, then you realize that you’re behaved in a way that you programmed yourself beforehand. So you kind of automatize yourself.  

What you can then do as well is you can complement this mental contrasting with if/then plans. This is a strategy which has been discovered by Peter Gollwitzer, implementation intentions in the scientific literature, or if/then plans. So what you do then is you take your obstacle after you have imagined that and then you ask yourself, “What can I do to overcome that obstacle?” and you think about an effective action or an effective thought and you formulate that and you put it in front of your eyes. Then you make an if/then plan. You say, “If,” and then you imagine the obstacle, “then I will,” and then you imagine the behavior to overcome obstacle. 

The combination of mental contrasting and the implementation intentions is what we call WOOP, which is a four-step strategy, which contains find a wish that is dear to your heart. Your wish, what is really important to you? Find the best outcome. How would you feel? What’s the best outcome? Imagine the best outcome. Find the inner obstacle that is standing in the way and imagine that inner obstacle. Then find the behavior to overcome the obstacle and make an if/then plan. If obstacle, then I will behavior to overcome obstacle, and that’s WOOP. You can apply WOOP wherever you are. You just need about 5 to 10 minutes of quiet. Actually, you can also do WOOP in a New York subway, where it’s really loud. That doesn’t matter. But it needs to be kind of background noise. You can’t do anything else. Because if you know from our research, it takes mental effort. 

So from our neuropsychology research, we know it draws on the processes that are typical for mental effort. So you can’t do emails or you can’t talk to anybody apart from doing WOOP. WOOP means you take 5 or 10 minutes and they’re just for you and everything else can wait. You need to be slow. Because WOOP is an imagery technique, you need to be slow, otherwise you can’t produce the imagery, and you need to be interrupted. 

Again, you can do it in the New Your subway, but you need to be interrupted. You need to be slow and just for yourself. Everything else can wait. Then you go through these four steps. By going through with outcome, imagine. Obstacle, imagine. The plan, if obstacle, then I will behavior to overcome obstacle, you trigger these automatic processes. They do the behavior change without that you are even aware. 

So I will every day, for example, in the morning, I WOOP my wishes for the day. You can WOOP life-changing wishes. But you can also WOOP every day more [inaudible 00:29:36] wishes. Then I go through the day, I WOOP maybe one, or two or three of these wishes in different areas of my life. Then I go through the day, and then in the evening I think, “What did I do today?” Very often, I think, “Oh! I’m surprised how well this meeting went,” or “I really had a good interaction with my colleague,” or “I really finished this paper,” or something. Then I remember, “Oh! This is what I WOOP’ed this morning.” 

So you actually act automatically without that you’ve realized that you do what is in the service of your wish fulfillment. 

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[00:32:06] MB: I want to come back to the kind of core components of the WOOP framework before we get into kind of some examples of maybe how to use it, the two kind of component pieces I think are really important and I’d like to dig in to each of them. Kind of coming back to this idea of mental contrasting, I think it’s a really powerful point that you’re making that this idea of using sort of the tool of mental contrasting, which is a conscious exercise that we sort of spend time and focus on, we can actually start to, kind of as you said, build the associative links to the subconscious that are ultimately going to kind of lay the foundation and the groundwork for sort of automatic behaviors changes down the road. Is that correct?

[00:32:46] GO: Yes, that’s correct. That’s exactly it. That’s why it is so different from other behavior change strategies which focus more on increasing the attractiveness of behavior change or increasing the self-efficacy that I can do it, or which focus on framing, learning goals versus the performance goals, in Carol Dweck’s work, for example, or which focus on social comparison processes. In the alcohol literature sometimes, people use social comparison that they say, “Yeah, other people drink less than you.” Then people kind of for a certain time get a little scared and they drink also less until they get together with their buddies again. 

But these other behavior change strategies, they might be effective too. But WOOP is really different, because WOOP draws on the automatic processes. Because it draws on the automatic processes, it has a chance against the automatic processes which are already in place. Meaning, you build new goal habits by replacing the bad old habits. Habits, yeah, they’re automatic. But you can only change these automatic processes, these bad habits, by having processes that are kind of strong and non-conscious as well, because these habits are non-conscious processes and you need to have other kind of non-conscious processes which goes against them. That’s the reason why this is so neat, especially when it comes to more complicated behavior change problems such as you have some substance obvious, or kind of bad habits, like whatever the bad habits, interpersonal habits, or kind of personal habits, or also work habits, like procrastination or interpersonal habits, that you get really angry or strong impulses that you want to, “Ugh!” eat the chocolate cake. It is neat, because you instill automatic processes that have a chance against the automatic processes, which are already in place in your life.  

In don’t want to say anything against the other behavior change strategies. They have been proven effective too. But WOOP is different because it draws from automatic processes, because it’s a skill you can learn, like riding the bicycle, or swimming, or riding, or whatever. It’s a skill, which you can learn, and the more you practice WOOP, the better you get, the more expert you get. You can WOOP any wish you have, in the academic domain, in the professional domain, in the interpersonal domain, in the house and fitness domain, any wish qualifies, long-term, short-term, trivial, non-trivial, whatever. 

The only thing you need to do is you need to have these 5 or 10 minutes and then you need to say, “What is the wish that I really would like to fulfill for myself that is a little challenging, but feasible?” If you do that, if you identify this wish – Actually, WOOP is a very good way of understanding what you really want, because it asks you for a wish, and it asks you not for any kind of wish, “What do you want?” No. It asks you, “What do you want?” because when you actually answer this question, then you understand what your needs are. These wishes come from our needs. So you actually have a chance to really sort of give in to your needs. Then by understanding the outcome, the best outcome, you can really imagine the wish fulfillment, and that’s important, because you need this passion. You need this passion for the future. 

WOOP only works for wishes that are dear to your heart. So you need to identify a wish that is dear to your heart, the outcome, imagine the outcome. That’s the first step. That’s really sort of you anchor your wish in the sky. You anchor it in the future. Then you ask yourself, “In me, what is in the way?” 

Why do we kind of instruct people to ask in me? Because if you have the external obstacles, you can’t change them. You can’t change your boss, you can’t change your company, you can’t change your context, you can’t change all of these things. You can’t change the weather when it comes to fitness. But you can change how you react to your boss, your company, the weather, whatever. By understanding what is it in me that stands in the way, then I can also overcome the obstacle. So the wish needs to be challenging, but feasible, best outcome, imagine, and then the inner obstacle. Very often, it’s an emotion, an anxiety, anger, resentment, whatever, but it’s your emotion, and you need to identify. Nobody else can. It’s a discovery tool. WOOP is a discovery tool, because you will discover, “What do I really want? What’s the best thing? What is it that I kind of desire?” Then, “Why don’t I do it? What is it in me? Why don’t I do it? Why don’t I go for it?” 

By identifying that obstacle, you might have only identified an obstacle to that wish. You might also identify the obstacle to other wishes. You can dig a little deeper. Dig a little deeper into your wish. What is it really that stands in the way? That will be very interesting. I mean, with a little humor, you will discover. You don’t need to tell anybody, but find out what is it in you that stands in the way? Then you can react to it by saying, “Okay, how can I overcome that?” and do an if/then plan.  

[00:39:06] MB: Tell me about – I want to come back and sort of understand how the phenomenon of mental contrasting, and then after that, I want to dig in to implementation intentions. But how does mental contrasting specifically sort of harnessed by the WOOP framework and the WOOP process? 

[00:39:22] GO: Well, mental contrasting is WOOP. We just renamed it. In the scientific literature, it’s called mental contrasting with implementation intentions. The mental contrasting part is the wish part, and the outcome part, and the imagery. Mental contrasting is an imagery technique. Then the obstacle, the obstacle in the way and the imagery of the obstacle, that’s mental contrasting. 

[00:39:49] MB: So just to clarify, it’s basically kind of the combination of visualizing your sort of goals and dreams and desires and then sort of doing a little bit of visualization, thinking around, “Okay, what are the actual obstacles to that.” Contrasting those two things and then trying to sort of reconcile them back to the actions and stuff you’re going to take as a result of sort of thinking about your goals, thinking about the obstacles with sort of equal weight and importance, and then ultimately determining how you’re going to kind of bring those two things together. Is that correct? 

[00:40:19] GO: It’s correct, but it’s not quite correct. First of all, you never say, “I’m just thinking about my goals,” because there are so many exercises. Yeah, list your goals, or what is your goal? “Sure, I want to go to college,” or “I want to have a promotion. Yeah, sure I want that.” But mental contrasting is so different. It’s asks you for a wish. It’s asks you what do you really want for your life, for the next four weeks, for today? What do you really want?

By understanding what you really want, you will understand much better where your needs are. You don’t need even to think about the needs, because the wish is an expression of the needs. But think about what is dear to your heart. What actually do I want in life? What do I want today? What I want to get out of this meeting? What do I want tonight when I – Mental contrasting with implementation, it is  WOOP, is for times when I’m stuck. What do I want? I want to get out of here. For times, when I’m really doing fine, but I could do better. What do I want for tonight? I want to have a good evening tonight with my friend. What do I want for the next phone call with my mother? 

Whatever it is, it needs to be dear to your heart. We are not used anymore to think about what do I really want? Take yourself into slow motion before you do WOOP. Its’ not that you need to have slow motion for long meditation sessions, or 8 weeks mindfulness or something. No. No. No. No. It’s just that you need to slow yourself down for the next 5 or 10 minutes and then say, “What do I want for today?” 

Let’s say in the academic domain, or I the professional domain, or, yeah, in the fitness domain, what do I want for today? Then you go slowly to one best outcome. Not for the best millions of outcomes. No. For one best outcome. Again, for one best obstacle. Not many obstacles, just one. The central obstacle, the most important. That’s important, because otherwise these are automatic processes can’t be triggered. Again, then one best behavior to overcome obstacle. 

So it is a little counterintuitive for what we are used to do where we say, “We have goal setting strategies,” or we have other strategies where we want to list all the goals and see where we are. In that perspective it’s really different. It’s an imagery technique, and therefore you need to be slow, and therefore you need to be quiet, and therefore you need to have these 5 or 10 minutes for yourself. 

[00:43:28] MB: Tell me the kind of concept of these implementation intentions. What is an implementation intention and how do we, using kind of the WOOP methodology, how do we sort of integrate that into our sort of planning, or goal setting, or visualization techniques? 

[00:43:44] GO: Now, implementation intention has been a concept discovered by Peter Gollwitzer, which had been around for a while, and there is a huge literature on the effectiveness of implementation intentions, and it come in the form of if situation X arises, then I will do the goal directed behavior Y. 

Now, by doing that, you connect the situation with the goal directed behavior. Now, we talked about mental contrasting where we said, “One effect of mental contrasting is that outside of people’s awareness, the obstacle is linked to the behavior to overcome obstacle.” What we thought is what if the obstacle is really hard to overcome? Then we thought, “Okay, let’s add the plan. Let’s add an implementation intentions to make this link between the obstacle and the behavior to overcome obstacle even stronger.” That’s what we did. 

In the context of mental contrasting, the implementation intention takes the form of if the duration, this time it’s an obstacle, then I will behavior to overcome obstacle, which is the goal directed behavior. So we integrate the implementation intention into the framework of the mental contrasting. Now, what is neat that’s so far the research on implementation intention has focused on contents, which were given by the researchers, or by the educators, but it was pre-fabricated. 

Now, the problem really with this research then is, that you need to put in the content from outside. If you want, it’s kind of put in quotation marks, is “paternalized.” But how can people make these implementation intentions just by themselves? How can they produce them by themselves? By doing mental contrasting, because mental contrasting can refer to any content or any wish, outcome, and obstacle, by finding the obstacle, we guaranteed that the situation part, the [inaudible 00:46:02] part, the implementation intention is relevant and it’s recognizable. 

So now you can have an implementation intentions, which is cut to the kind of personal needs. Then the same for the behavior to overcome the obstacle. That has been pre-fabricated in past research, but now the person herself or himself has come up with that behavior to overcome the obstacle, or to react to the situation. Meaning, now we emancipate people. They can have their own implementation intention. They don’t need a researcher, or the educator, or anybody to tell them what to put in the if part and what to put in the then part. 

So we made by inventing WOOP, or by combining mental contrasting with implementation intentions, we made it possible that implementation intentions are kind of individualized for each person, so that each person can now come up with their own wish, outcome, obstacle and their own if/then plan. So we emancipate people. 

Because people are the best experts of their lives, it is a tool that you can apply now to any wish you have. You can make as many WOOPs as you have wishes. That’s really nice, because now you don’t need a coach anymore, or you don’t need a trainer, or a therapist anymore, I mean, for daily life. It’s different in clinical cases. But you can emancipate yourself by using WOOP, and WOOP therefore can be considered a companion to your daily life and a companion that helps you to get inside into your wishes, to prioritize your wishes, and then also to attain your wishes.  

[00:47:57] MB: Tell me about the kind of striking the balance between having our wishes be sort of challenging enough, but also feasible enough. 

[00:48:06] GO: Yeah. I mean, our research has shown that when the wishes are feasible, high expectations, then people really go for it, commit to them and attain them. If they’re not feasible, not at all, then people will say, “Oh, this is too much energy for wish fulfillment,” and they will de-commit and will let go. So that’s prioritization. That’s what we say in the WOOP exercise, take a wish that is feasible. Take a wish that you can actually attain, because then you can use WOOP in order to actually fulfill your wishes. But you can use WOOP also to actually find out whether you want to even go and realize your wishes by not saying, “I will come up with a wish that is feasible.” Let’s say, you have a wish, which is very important to you. You don’t even have to think about kind of carefully to identify if it is a wish you really want. But you want to know whether it is worthwhile pursuing it or not. Then you do WOOP in order to help you prioritize, to help you understand whether the obstacle is surmountable or not. 

So you can use WOOP really for very different purposes. One is to find a wish that is feasible and then really to attain it, or to find a wish that is very dear to your heart, and you want to find out whether you want to actually go for it, or whether you want to actually let go and put your energy into something, which is more feasible. The challenging part where you say, “Find a wish that is already challenging.” If a wish is super easy to reach, you don’t need WOOP. You just go and do it. So you don’t need the exercise. Therefore, you better do WOOP for wishes that are a little bit difficult, but in principle, feasible, that will help you most in fulfilling your wishes. 

[00:50:22] MB: For listeners who want to kind of concretely implement some of the things we’ve talked about today, maybe do sort of a WOOP for themselves, what would be kind of one piece of homework that you would give them to start kind of implementing this methodology? 

[00:50:38] GO: Right. That’s a good question. Actually, in the past years, we have been designing materials which will help people to actually use WOOP for themselves and to apply it in their daily life as a kind of routine practice. We put these materials on the woopmylife.org website, which is actually translated into many languages, and which contains detailed instructions in written form, in audio form, in video form. It also contains references to the WOOP app, which has the bare bone instructions and which you can download on your Android or iPhone, and which guides you through the WOOP exercise without that you actually need to think about, “Now, what is the first step? What is the second step? What is the third step?” So if it’s a help to use WOOP on a daily basis. 

Then you’ll also find some references to Rethinking Positive Thinking, where we describe the research backgrounds and some of the studies in great detail, and also some example. So that will be a very good start to look at the WOOP materials, the videos, the audios, the app, and the book. On the website, there are also references to the research if you’re interested. Then certainly, on the WOOP My Life website, you can always write to us. If you have questions, please feel free to write to us. We get a lot of correspondence, and also kind of people inform us where they applied WOOP and you find them applying it in so many different life areas. It’s really kind of moving to see. If you have experiences, you can always write them to us, and then if you don’t mind, we put them on the website. So that would be great. If you want to have more personal training, just let us know. 

[00:52:58] MB: Again, you told listeners where to go, but for listeners who want to find you, learn more, etc., one more time, what is the website for them to be able to find you online? 

[00:53:06] GO: Okay. It’s WOOP, W-O-O-Pmylife.org. 

[00:53:15] MB: Awesome. Gabriele, thank you so much for coming on the show, sharing all these wisdom and knowledge and the surprising science from all of the research that you’ve done. It’s been a really fascinating conversation. We’ve enjoyed having you on here. 

[00:53:27] GO: Thank you for having me. 

[00:53:29] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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Don't forget, if you want to get all the incredible information we talked about in the show, links transcripts, everything we discussed and much more, be sure to check out our show notes. You can get those at successpodcast.com, just hit the show notes button right at the top. 

Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.

September 27, 2018 /Lace Gilger
Emotional Intelligence, Focus & Productivity
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Creating Nerves of Steel – The Science of Performing Under Pressure with Dr. Hank Weisinger

September 20, 2018 by Lace Gilger in Emotional Intelligence

In this episode, we go deep on the science of performing under pressure. We look at why some people perform under pressure and others don’t. We discuss the skill of flexibility and “fluid intelligence,” explore the differences between stress and pressure, look at concrete strategies for managing both in your life, and much more with our guest Dr. Hank Weisinger. 

Dr. Hank Weisinger is a psychologist trained in clinical, counseling, school, and organizational psychology. He is the originator of Criticism Training and the emerging field of pressure management. He is the author of several books including his most recent New York Times Best Seller How To Perform Under Pressure and his work has been featured on the Today Show, Good Morning America, ESPN, NPR, and much more!

  • Feedback is a “bogus phrase” in the corporate world

  • The work on criticism and anger that Dr. Weisinger comes from deep clinical experience and informs his perspective on emotional intelligence

  • Emotional intelligence is not a new field - it’s been around for a long time - and yet most people don’t grasp the basic premises of emotional intelligence

  • Why do some people perform well under pressure and others don’t?

  • Why you shouldn’t focus on "Anger management “ - instead it's about emotional intelligence

  • Almost no one has a deep knowledge of emotional intelligence - even many so-called experts

  • Why advice doesn’t work and what you should do instead of giving people advice

  • You can’t criticize someone for something they can’t change - the goal of criticism is to create change - and sometimes people can’t change - sometimes the best way to create change is to change your own behavior

  • Telling people to change their behavior isn’t always the best way to create change - it’s often about being more flexible and looking for new avenues to impact their behavior

  • Criticism is not flaw-finding - it's about finding a way to help people 

  • Finding problems and flaws is easy to do - its hard to find a way to improve. You must always be improvement oriented. 

  • The power of “use this, or come up with your own” - help people don’t just point out only negatives

  • How can I communicate this information in a way that a person will be receptive to it?

  • Pay attention and you will see opportunities in everyday life to change people’s behavior 

  • A good key to developing the skill of criticism is how quickly you can recognize the defensiveness of another person and use it as a clue that you’re being ineffective and need to try something else

  • The faster your recognize that you’re being ineffective the faster change your behavior and create results

  • Why mental flexibility is one of the top skills of world-class performers 

  • What is “fluid intelligence” and how do you train and develop it?

  • There’s a big difference between a sports psychologist and a clinical psychologist 

  • "Nobody does better under pressure” - The edge is not in rising to the occasion 

  • It’s not about rising to the occasion - it's about limiting your downside and making sure you don’t choke 

  • In your pressure moments you don’t have to “rise” - just don’t do worse - and usually, your best is good enough

  • If you played your best and lost - don’t feel bad. You only feel bad when you play below your capability. 

  • Pressure is a villain in your life. There’s nothing good about it. The function of pressure is to weed people out. 

  • What is pressure? You're experiencing pressure in a situation where the (a) the outcome is uncertain and (b) its dependent on your performance. 

  • Stress and pressure are two different psychological concepts - you must treat them separately and handle them separately. 

  • Stress is about having lots of demands on your time and feeling overwhelmed. There are lots of ways to reduce stress. 

  • If you have to perform effectively under pressure 24x7 that's a terrible way to live

  • Evidence-based strategies for reducing the feelings of pressure during the moment

  • “Pressure anxiety” vs “performance anxiety” - what’s the difference and why is it important?

  • Pressure is a constant demand. 

  • You don’t rise to the occasion, you fail to the level of your training.

  • All you need to do is do what you’ve been trained for and TRUST YOURSELF.

  • Trust yourself and get out of your own way. 

  • The power of “procedural memory” 

  • Anxious thoughts can crowd out space in your working memory

  • How people perform under pressure is often about how they perceive the situation - do they perceive it as threatening or do they perceive it as an opportunity?

  • “Sure there’s pressure, just think of it as fun"

  • Cognitive appraisal - an important process that impacts how you evaluate the things around you

  • “Always think multiple opportunities” 

  • The more important you make something, the more you pressure you will experience, the worse you will do 

  • The power of minimizing and "under-exaggerating"

  • “Befriend the moment” - make it fun and challenging 

  • Don’t get over-attached to an outcome and define yourself and your self-esteem by your job performance

  • Homework: Literally write down your anxiety and you will do better in your pressure moments. Write them down and they will be less likely to surface during the moment of truth.

  • Homework: Affirm your self-worth before a pressure moment with 3 things that have nothing to do with your performance. 

  • Homework: Share your feelings of pressure with others. 

  • Homework: Anticipate what might go wrong during a pressure moment. 

  • 12 Hours of meditation creates material changes in your brain and makes it easier for you to relax on cue

  • Managing pressure doesn’t require to do anything new - it just requires you to do something different. 

  • Thoughts / Arousal / Behavior - All 3 Factors Interact with each other - pressure attacks each of those and harms your performance 

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Show Notes, Links, & Research

  • [Amazon Author Page] Hendrie Weisinger

  • [Book] Anger at Work: Learning The Art Of Anger Management On The Job by Hendrie Weisinger

  • [Book] Performing Under Pressure: The Science of Doing Your Best When It Matters Most by Hendrie Weisinger and J. P. Pawliw-Fry

  • [Article] Mayer and Salovey Model of Emotional Intelligence by Rachel Green

  • [Wiki Article] The Natural (film)

  • [Personal Site] Hendrie Weisinger PhD

  • [Website] Hendrie Weisinger PhD - Business Courses

    • [Coupon Code] "pressurescience"


[00:00:19.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[0:00:11.8] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success; the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than two million downloads, listeners in over a hundred countries and part of the self-help for smart people podcast network.

In this episode, we go deep on the science of performing under pressure. We look at why some people perform under pressure and others don’t. We discuss the skill of flexibility and fluid intelligence, explore the differences between stress and pressure, look at concrete strategies for managing both in your life and much more with our guest, Dr. Hank Weisinger.

Do you need more time? Time for work, time for thinking and reading, time for the people in your life, time to accomplish your goals? This was the number one problem our listeners outlined, and we created a new video guide that you can get completely for free when you sign up and join our e-mail list. It's called how you can create time for the things that really matter in life. You can get it completely for free when you sign up and join the e-mail list at successpodcast.com.

You're also going to get exclusive content that's only available to our e-mail subscribers. We recently pre-released an episode in an interview to our e-mail subscribers a week before it went live to our broader audience, and that had tremendous implications because there is a limited offer in there with only 50 available spots that got eaten up by the people who were on the e-mail list first.

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In our previous episode, we discussed several seemingly good ideas that are actually quite dangerous. We started with a look at how the immune system can teach us about the vital importance of being anti-fragile. We then looked at the lessons from ancient cultural traditions all the way up to modern psychology research to peel back the layers of our current social dialogue and look at many notions that have permeated our current thinking.

What are the best ways to promote growth and development? How can we help people heal who've suffered from trauma? How can we create a framework that allows our society to seek truth and solve our toughest challenges?

We take a hard look at the answers to these questions and much more with our previous guest, Dr. Jonathan Haidt. If you want to learn how to think clearly and understand some of the big issues going on in our world today, listen to that episode.

Now, for our interview with Hank.

[0:03:06.9] MB: Today, we have another exciting guest on the show, Dr. Hank Weisinger. Hank is a psychologist trained in clinical, counseling, school and organizational psychology. He's the originator of criticism training and the emerging field of pressure management. He's the author of several books, including his most recent New York Times bestseller, How to Perform Under Pressure. His work has been featured in the Today Show, Good Morning America, NPR and much more. Hank, welcome to the Science of Success.

[0:03:36.3] HW: Thank you. I'm happy to be here.

[0:03:38.0] MB: Well, it's great to have you on the show. I'm a big fan of your work and I think there's some really, really important concepts that you talk about and share and come out of your work. One of the things that I'd love to start with as a foray into this is I know you previously have done some work and written about anger and how to deal with anger and then you talk about how you pivoted that message to being about something else. I'd love to hear the story of why you shifted the message from how to deal with anger towards what you're focused on today.

[0:04:09.2] HW: Well, through my career, the first subject you mentioned, criticism training, that was the first subject I got into which was giving and taking criticism. This is at a time when everybody in the corporate world was using what I considered the bogus phrase of feedback. As I'm coming to my office, I have some feedback to give you. From criticism, I went into the subject of anger management. Both criticism and anger came out of clinical experiences that I have had with the patients. One of the things with criticism I realized is nobody ever comes home and says, “I had a great day today. I got criticized.” Nobody ever comes home and says to their partner, “I wish we could have some more anger in our household.”

Ironically, both criticism and anger I did not call it emotional intelligence at the time, but both of those became microcosms of emotional intelligence. Then I went into the subject of emotional intelligence. I wrote a book called Emotional Intelligence at Work in 1995. What is very interesting to me is that many people – I just did an interview with a UK magazine on the subject of emotional intelligence. Quite honestly, I get nauseous when I have to talk about it, because it is so old to me. Yet, people are still talking about it like it's the newest thing on the planet.

Then I went into the subject being a big sports fan and a big Yankee fan, when I moved from LA to New York, I was lucky because one of my daughter's friends in LA, her uncle was the manager of Yankee Stadium. I was going to 20 games, 30 games. I drive him from Connecticut, I'd be home by 11:00 and I got very frustrated, because at this time in 1994, the Yankees were terrible. I asked myself the question, “Why do some people perform well under pressure and others don't?”

What I realized is that it wasn't that the Yankee players at that time were choke artists, they were just terrible players. They weren't very good. I started to explore the concept of pressure. It was an extension of previous interest. I mean, if you can't manage anger, it's going to be very hard to perform your best when the money is on the line. When you ask me about shifting, I wrote a book called Anger at Work, and it was the subject of what was going on in corporate America in the 90s. Yet, if I would call a company, “I'd to talk to your managers about anger management,” the typical reaction will be, “No, forget it. Nobody's angry here and don't you ever call us again.”

Amusingly to me and my friends is I would call back the same company, speak to the same person six months later and say, “Oh, I'd to talk to your managers about emotional intelligence.” The reaction would be, “Oh yeah, that's great. That's good.” Emotional intelligence is good, anger bad. What do you think is the first emotion that people would always want to talk about? It was always anger and sometimes anxiety. What that clearly made me realize is that the corporate America has a restriction on subjects that you can speak about.

It's okay to be enthusiastic and it's okay to be passionate, but God forbid, you express anger then you become Big Bill in the company. I very gradually instead of promoting the subject of anger management, which is very big in the clinical and the therapeutic world, but not in the corporate world, so I shifted into the concept of emotional intelligence, because that was sexier, it had more of a positive connotation and it was through emotional intelligence that I could still help people deal with managing anger. That's beyond me now, because now the only thing quite frankly is a topic that I'm really interested in is performing under pressure.

[0:08:26.9] MB: I think it's really funny and almost speaks to the power of framing and anchoring and priming, that just essentially the same topics presented in a different light drastically transforms the way that people engage with the material.

[0:08:42.1] HW: There is no question about it. This was the issue with criticism. If you call it criticism, it's a negative, but if you use the word feedback, it's perceived as being more neutral. I used to say to people, then why do people get defensive if you call it feedback? The reason was because no matter what you call it, the person internally will hear it as criticism. Therefore, I would recommend to companies, and I spoke to every company you can think of on this subject. You have to give an overt message in your organization that criticism is permissible. What is so ironic now is you look at the President of the United States and you see, I used to say that criticism is the most important skill for an executive. I think Trump is bearing me out to prove that is accurate.

[0:09:32.1] MB: I think it's funny, another thing that you touched on that's really, really important is this idea that and we won't go super deep into because I do want to focus most the interview on dealing with pressure. Emotional intelligence is not a new finding and yet, so many people don't even grasp the basic premises of the fundamental ideas around it and have no idea how to cultivate it for themselves.

[0:09:55.9] HW: What I have found quite honestly is that even people who go around the country giving presentations on emotional intelligence, their knowledge is very superficial. They still don't understand it. For example, listening is not emotional intelligence. It's how to use emotional intelligence to enhance your listening. That's what people do not get. They think that they equate soft skills with emotional intelligence. No. It's about how to use emotional intelligence managing your emotions, being sensitive to the emotions of others, to use those to make those soft skills more effective.

Anybody can give criticism, but there's a difference between a person who applies emotional intelligence in giving criticism, than a person who doesn't. That is very upsetting to me as a psychologist, because my biggest problem with emotional intelligence is that it's turned into a business. People promoting emotional intelligence subjects; how many articles do you see? Well, here are these 10 characteristics of the emotionally intelligent person. Then somebody else writes here, the seven characteristics, here are the 15 characteristics.

I mean, everybody has become an expert on emotional intelligence. Very few people have actually read the original research by John Mayer and Peter Salovey. Most people mistakenly think that Dan Goleman was the creator of emotional intelligence, of which he was far from it.

[0:11:27.0] MB: If you would indulge me in one question that was really, really impactful for me around your work from studying criticism, I thought that the idea that you talked about that advice doesn't really work, and that's raising the question of if we shouldn't, or really can't help people by giving them advice, how should we go about helping them? I'd love to dig into that a little bit.

[0:11:48.8] HW: Well, the thing that criticism for me is a metaphor for creating change. That is why one of the rules became do not criticize a person for something they cannot change. Why our parents criticizing Johnny for getting a C in school when Johnny is a C student? Now he can be the best C student possible, but he's never going to get a A.

This is what I tell Net fans. I said, “Why are you criticizing your team? They're terrible. This is the best they can do. Don't get upset at them.” I did a study at UCLA on sexual criticism. The number one sexual criticism that females reported getting from their partners was that their legs were too short. Now what is a woman supposed to do when she hears that? You can't criticize a person for something they can't change. When you say advice, well sometimes you can give a person advice and they take it. If you're my employee, I can criticize you in a very positive way.

When you're sitting there and you're saying, “Yep, you're right. I agree.” From my framework, if you don't change your behavior, my criticism has not been effective. The goal of criticism is really to create change when you are giving it. Sometimes the way that you create change in another person is not by verbally telling them what to do. Sometimes the best way to create change is to change your own behavior, because remember, criticisms and interaction. That means what I do affects you and what you do affects me. There's a giving and there is a taking of criticism. How you give it if that's how the person takes it.

Now sometimes, I can influence you by not even talking to you. I remember my mother growing up, would hate it when my father would smoke cigars in the bedroom. She could tell him that and complain about it, “Stop nagging me and whatever. Go out of the room and so on.” What she finally did is she changed the environment. She took all the ashtrays out of the bedroom. She didn't have to say anything. She just made it more difficult for him to maintain that behavior.

I had a client once, the way he got his wife to stop smoking in the car, he said, “Every time we go somewhere, if you want to smoke in the car, that's fine,” but he would stop the car and he would get out. Finally, she gave up the smoking. There's all different ways of how you can communicate information. You have to be clever, you have to be creative and most importantly, you have to see criticism as a chance to put up the person, not to put down the person.

Most managers, most people in relationships, they are not giving criticism, they are being critical. Critical means floor finding, telling a person what they are doing wrong. That doesn't help. That's why it's hard to do criticism. I can tell you, I could say, “Now, here's what's wrong with your show. I can tell you 30 things wrong, or why this was a bad interview.” That's easy to do, but it's much harder for me to say, “Matt, here's how you could do it better.” It's hard to tell a person how to improve. It's easy to tell them what they are doing wrong.

That's why another cardinal rule of giving criticism is always be improvement-oriented. One of the ways that you can be improvement-oriented on a concrete level is moving it into the future. Next time you give a presentation, remember to have time to leave time for questions. As soon as I say next time, your anxiety is reduced, because you're not going to get fired. You're going to get another opportunity.

[0:15:33.9] MB: What a great series of examples, and I think that really highlights such a fundamentally important part of giving criticism that so many people miss, which is it's not just pointing out all the things that are wrong, it's proactively helping and guiding the conversation, or the actions, etc., towards finding some solution.

[0:15:54.4] HW: The irony is when I wrote a business book on – my first business book on this subject, which is called The Critical Edge. My editor was wonderful. When I got a manuscript back, first she wrote me a five-page letter, single-spaced saying, “This is going to be as wonderful and as useful as all your other books.” Every time I looked at it and I manuscript and she had those yellow post tags, three of them on every page, but her comments would be along these lines. You need a zippier line here, use this, and she would give me one, or come up with your own.

It was a wonderful process. Ironically, when I was talking about how to give criticism through writing, I used the letter that she sent to me as an example in the book, as a way of giving her kudos. The point is when people think of criticism, we always think of it as verbally telling the person. I'm saying that the whole process of giving criticism, you have to be strategic criticizer, just like companies have strategies and strategic planning, you have to have a strategy when you criticize somebody.

It starts out by simply saying, “How can I communicate this information so the person is going to be receptive to it?” If a person is not receptive to it, you can talk all day. You have to make the person receptive. Sometimes that means that the best time to criticize the person is when you're watching a TV show and you just slip it in, because you're using an example from the TV show to illustrate what you're talking about. That's why you always have to be ready. You always have to be ready to make a difference where you can see that you can influence people.

When I was working in doing my internship in LA at the Brentwood VA Hospital, I worked on a schedule. I get there in the morning, staff meeting, go to the canteen, get some coffee, make some phone calls to my friends all over the country. I had a government watch line. Then at 10:00 I see a patient and then I become the therapist. That's for an hour. In other words, I let the time of the day dictate the role I was in.

My supervisor said, “Always think of yourself as a therapist, because if you always think of yourself as a therapist, you will see opportunities pop up that you can make a difference in the normal course of the day.” I started thinking like that. Now when I'm going to the water fountain, I see a patient there, I'm thinking, “I'm going to be next to that guy in 10 seconds. What can I say or do that will actually have a therapeutic impact?” I started becoming more effective. I was giving therapy to everybody, including my friends.

[0:18:36.6] MB: I think this notion that communicating information in a way that people will be receptive to it and the premise behind that that you should fundamentally take responsibility yourself for what's going on in your life and what's going on in the world and those around you, I think is really important. I mean, you talked about that in another context, which is the idea of blame, right? Instead of blaming other people and giving that attribution to the external world, you should view your own problems as your own ineffectiveness in some form or fashion.

[0:19:09.9] HW: Absolutely. I would teach people, because look Matt, if you start to criticize somebody and then they start to get upset, what do you usually say to them?

[0:19:20.3] MB: Calm down, or stop being upset. Getting defensive.

[0:19:22.7] HW: Yeah. Right. That’s right. I like to teach people that when the person gets defensive, instead of saying you're getting defensive, to step back and realize that you're being ineffective. You're being ineffective when a person gets defensive. If you were effective, they wouldn’t get defensive. Very importantly, a good point to develop criticism skills is how quickly can you recognize the defensiveness of another person and to use it as a cue that you're being ineffective.

If I'm criticizing my son or daughter when they were in school about their homework and I see that they start to get defensive, the faster I realize that, the faster I can try something else. The faster a teacher recognizes their teaching style isn't working, the faster they can change. The faster a doctor recognizes that this protocol for chemotherapy isn't working, the faster he or she can change. The faster a coach can realize that his defense isn’t working, I mean, how stupid would it be at halftime to say, “All right, we're down 30 points. Same game plan.”

You have to be able to recognize when you are ineffective. The faster you recognize you're ineffective, that's how you empower yourself to try something different. Rather than blaming the other person.

[0:20:47.5] MB: I think this segues into performance psychology and performing under pressure. I mean, when you look at and study people who are peak performers in literally any field, whether it's sports, martial arts, chess, music, anything, you see these commonalities again and again and again, and I think one of the biggest is taking responsibility and realizing that feedback is from the environment, not necessarily feedback as criticism, but feedback from the environment if things aren't working, you needed to take that burden on yourself, instead of getting tied up in your ego and trying to protect whatever mental image you've crafted of how things should be, as opposed to how things really are.

[0:21:28.6] HW: Yes. That is why mental flexibility is one of the great cognitive attributes of effective people, because it allows them to change and adapt in the moment. Well, there's many types of intelligence for two terms. One term is it's called crystallized intelligence and fluid intelligence. If I said to you, tell me everything about American history. That would be your crystallized intelligence.

Fluid intelligence is the idea that you can adopt to a new situation. In other words, golfers who practice golf and they're hitting shots off in the middle of the fairway, that's basically a waste of time. It's much better for the golfer to practice shots that they're never going to have to deal with. That's what you develop your fluid intelligence is how you perform in novel types of situations. Some athletes can do that, others lose their composure and then it's downhill from all that.

You raised an interesting point that I want to clarify when you said well, if you study elite performance and so on. Because I listened to some of the sports psychologists that you have interviewed and I've been on many sports psychology pods. There was a big difference between a sports psychologist in a clinical, or a counseling psychologists. Sports psychologists basically study elite performance, and that's the flow on the research. That's like somebody who says, “Okay, we have 300 college seniors who want to go to the NFL. We're going to put them through our program.”

Then the person says, “One of the things we found is that these people are highly competitive. They're very focused.” In other words, here are the eight attributes. Now my question is, what about all the attributes that they forgot about? Why are there only eight? See, that's a bogus type of research. It’s just like survey research. It would be like, I don't know it was before your time, but it's still a popular book. Steve Covey wrote The 7 Habits of Effective People. When I spent time with him I said, “How come there's not eight habits?”

I happen to know that giving and taking criticism is a key habit of effective people. It's not on your list. I can name 10 others that are not on your list. In other words, it's not experimental research. When I wrote a book on performing under pressure, I did not study people who performed well under pressure. I studied the concept of, or the construct of pressure and that took me in a very different pathway than what most sports psychologists would say.

When I was a graduate student, there wasn't even a program in sports psychology. Most of the top sports psychologists happen to be in the anyway. How a sports psychologist, how they study elite performance is very different than when I did. By studying the construct of pressure, it gave me a lot of revelations. I will tell you that one of them is nobody does better under pressure.

Tom Brady does not do better under pressure. The quarterback for the Seattle Super Hawks does not do better under pressure. The C student is never rising to the occasion in getting 1600 on their SATs, but many times the A student will choke. What I found as a sports fan is that the edge is not rising to the occasion. Did you ever see the movie The Natural?

[0:25:20.3] MB: I haven't.

[0:25:21.3] HW: It's with Robert Redford. It's about a baseball player named Roy Hobbs and of course, the dramatic point is at the end of the movie when he's up, game deciding situation, three and two, everybody's going nuts, every baseball fan has seen this scenario thousands of times. Of course, what does the Robert Redford character do? He hits the game-winning homerun and everybody's saying, “Boy, did he come through.”

Now in the book by the same title written by Bernard Malamud, he struck out. That is reality. What you hear sports psychologists all the time saying, giving the message that elite athletes, they're great when the money is on the line. They’re great all the time. Tom Brady is the best quarterback all the time. The fact that he is the best, that means that he is more likely to throw important touchdown passes, than a quarterback who's not the best. He doesn't play better in the Super Bowl. He plays great in every game. That's what sports psychologists don't get.

They think the key is rising to the occasion. No, it's not doing worse. It's not doing worse. If the A student aces their SATs, that's not a big deal. That's what they've been doing for four years. When a field goal kicker kicks a 40-yard field goal, that's not a headline, that's what you're supposed to do. They miss a 40-yard field goal, that's a headline, that becomes a choke.

I think that's a big difference. For the listener, what I want them to realize how that applies to them is that your pressure moment, you don't have to do better than you've ever done before. You don't have to rise. You just don't have to do worse. Usually, your best is good enough. Now you can still do your best and not win. An athlete can have a stellar performance, but they don't win, but that is very different than choking.

Anytime an athlete plays their best and loses, they never feel bad. They always say, “Look, I played great and he played better and I want to congratulate him and so on.” They only feel bad when they played below their capability. That's what really bothers them, because then their talent didn't get the job done. They let pressure take them out of the game. It's not only in terms of affecting your skills, pressure is a villain in your life. There's nothing good about it. It downgrades your cognitive skills, your judgment, your decision-making.

I know you have the sports psychologist who works with Pete Carroll, so I'll say this for him. Pete Carroll's call against the Patriots is one of the greatest chokes in decision-making in sports of all time. No matter how they try to spin it, it was a major, major, major choke. You never would have seen Belichick passing on that. That's a big difference.

I studied the concept of pressure and when I realized pressure is a villain, it downgrades your cognitive skills, your judgment, decision-making, attention, your memory, it also downgrades your psychomotor skills. Think of it, what happens to kids in a college if they can't handle the pressure? What happens to them?

[0:28:47.5] MB: They fail out.

[0:28:48.4] HW: That's right. What happens to a team that can't handle the pressure NBA playoffs?

[0:28:52.9] MB: They lose.

[0:28:55.3] HW: Exactly. That is the function of pressure, to weed you out. It is nature's selection mechanism. I mean, who do you think invented the phrase, do or die? Do you think that was in ESPN sports in that analyst who said, “Oh, money's on the line. It's the do or die situation.” Because for your ancestors, every pressure moment was a do-or-die situation. If they didn't perform, they are extinct. Those people who can perform under pressure get to advance. If you can't perform under pressure, it's going to make it very hard for you to advance down your chosen life path.

What I learned, because you mentioned the word evidence-based, so I started thinking – first of all, let me define what pressure is. You experience pressure when you're in a situation where the outcome is uncertain and it's dependent on your performance. That's when you experience pressure. One of the things I found in doing research, even among researchers is they confuse the word stress and pressure. Stress and pressure are two different psychological constructs. Most people treat them the same. As a result, it creates havoc in your life, because you treat every stressful moment as though it's a do or die. As a result, you're on high alert 24/7. That is a terrible way to live.

You experience stress when you're overwhelmed, when you don't have the resources to cope with the demands of your environment. Let's say it's 2:00 your time now. Let's say you have to finish this interview, then you have to go to the cleaners, then you have to go shopping, you have to pick up a friend at the airport, now you're getting a lot of demands. You're going to feel stressed, but you can delegate, you can prioritize. You could say, “You know what? I'll go out for dinner, I don't need to go shopping. I have clothes in my closet, I don't need to go to the cleaners.”

You have multiple ways of how you can reduce stress, and that's another difference that when you experience stress, your goal is to reduce it. When you experience pressure, there was only one solution that you can do, and that is you have to perform effectively. That's a big difference. If you think you have to perform effectively 24/7, that becomes a terrible way to live. What I found is that there are strategies, evidence-based, or out of experimental psychology studies that show us how we can reduce the feelings of pressure in the moment.

You're giving a presentation tomorrow, you're starting to feel nervous a minute before. What can you do? You're taking a test, you're having an audition, a crucial conversation, those are all in the moments where we use what I like to call pressure solutions. The other difficulty that many people have, a nice experience is when I lived in LA is reducing the daily feelings of pressure. One of the clinical terms that I coined is what I call pressure anxiety; different than performance anxiety.

Performance anxiety is when you get anxious when you have to perform a particular task. Pressure anxiety is the perpetual feeling that you have to be producing, and see, that's the pressure part, the demand, you have to produce, you have to be successful. The anxiety part is how much longer can I do this?

I was doing gigs when I was in my 40s for every company you can think of. I was on a plane three times, four times a week and so on. Every night I used to think how much longer can I do this? How much longer? How many more times is Merrill Lynch going to call me? How many more times is IBM going to call me and whatever? It continually made me anxious. I found people listening were 25, 30, they're what I call pressure performers. That means every time they have an opportunity, be it a presentation, a sales call, they want to perform, because it will advance them. They’re the pressure performers. My kids are would be pressure performers.

I have friends my age, many of them are very successful lawyers, they have no anxiety when they go and give an opening argument, or a closing deliberation. That's not the pressure they feel. They have mastered that. Their pressure is how much longer do I have to pay for my daughter's apartment? How many more years of medical school do I have to pay for my son? These are what I call pressure reducers. What I have learned over the years is that there are strategies for reducing the daily feelings of pressure, as well as strategies that can help you perform your best in the moment.

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[0:36:04.9] MB: You race so many good points and I want to get into a number of different points that you talked about. One of the most important things I think is that, I think you're right that there's so many ways that you can put the world in a neat little box of six or seven strategies that work, or solve a specific problem. Oftentimes, reality is extremely complex and messy and it's not as easy as just wrapping a bow on it and solving it. What you've been talking about really makes me think of, I think it's a military saying or phrase, which is you don't rise to the occasion, you fail to the level of your training.

[0:36:36.8] HW: I would agree with that. This is like, look at Navy SEALs, or look at a sniper who can make a shot in a storm that's 2,000 yards away. There's nothing special about that. That's what he's been trained to do. What that phrase really means is that you just have to do what you've been trained to do. This is the same thing with athletes. Go in and kick a 50-yard field goal. It’s like a golfer that starts thinking about a swing. Why is he doing that? That's what actually makes you do worse, because you become overly self-conscious. He just has to do what he's been trained for.

If he doesn't – if there's a gap in their performance, sometimes I just do, just like a student, “Oh, my teacher never taught me how to do this type of equation,” that becomes more reflection on the training. I used to get the message will be given to me, all you need to do is to do what you've been trained for. You're nervous about seeing this patient, you've been trained how to do it. Just trust yourself. That's the one phrase. I take that on a different meaning than a sports psychologist. Trust your skills and so on. I would phrase that get out of your way. You don't need to think. Everything is automatic. There's different types of memory that we have; working memory, I don't want to go too far off on a tangent and procedural memory. Now you drive, I assume correct?

[0:38:10.9] MB: Yes.

[0:38:11.6] HW: Okay. When you get in your car near more in the morning, are you consciously thinking, remember when the first time when you were learning how to drive? You get in your car, put your seatbelt on, look in the mirror, look over your right shoulder, look over your left shoulder. You've had a methodology and you would do each step. When you get in your car this morning, you didn't think about any of those. That's because you have done it so many times, it becomes automatic.

When I put a little scratch on my car when I pay attention to how I'm pulling out of the driveway, because it interrupts the fluidy of the of the process that you have already learned. Many times you learn, it's like when you play a piano, first you have to learn how to play it. After you've played it so many times, you're not even thinking about it, that's because it's in your procedural memory. If you're taking a math test and you need information, that's where you use a different type of memory called working memory, which is like an iPad.

Think of yourself as having a mental iPad. Now there are some iPads that have more storage space, just like some students have more storage space than other students. If you're in taking a math test, the only thing you want on that mental iPad is information about math. If you're in the middle of the test and you start thinking, “What are your parents going to do if you don't get an A, or you won't get into college?” Those thoughts now are taking up space in your working memory. All of a sudden when you need to know that formula, it's no longer there. Instead what is there are those worried thoughts.

This is what pressure does to us; it distracts us, it disrupts our body, it creates distressful feelings such as anxiety and fear. The biggest difference between people who do well in a pressure moment, and when I say well, I mean, close to their capabilities, versus people who fold is how they perceive the situation. Do you perceive it as threatening, or do you perceive it as an opportunity?

The first book I wrote, I was lucky. It was a New York Times bestseller right out of the chute. I was 30 years old, and I was going on all the radio and TV shows. Now I will tell you, they sent me to TV school, because I was so anxious. They actually taught me. By the time I was ready to go on The Today Show, I was thinking, “This is great fun. All my friends are going to see me. This is a great opportunity to sell hundreds of thousands of books.” I didn't feel any pressure. I don't feel any pressure when I'm doing a interview with you, because in my mind, this is an opportunity. It's going to help me promote myself, it's going to get the word out, I get to help thousands and thousands of people. Why would I feel any pressure? That is very, very important. Anytime my kids were taking a test I'd say, “It's your opportunity show the teacher what you know, or see it as a challenge.”

[0:41:23.0] MB: I'd love to dig into the how-to and the concrete strategies that you talked about. Tell me a little bit about some of these evidence-based strategies for reducing the feeling of pressure during the moment and preventing it from derailing our performance.

[0:41:38.2] HW: Sure. It's important, where the strategies come from? Well, they come from experimental studies. Experimental study, I know you know what that means, to some listeners, rather than a correlational study. A correlational study is if I set 500 athletes and then I interviewed them all and now I make a list of here are the 10 attributes and so on. Of course, that's my opinion. There was no legitimacy to that as a real, as a valid type of scientific investigation, because I have my own biases when I go into those situations to begin with.

Experimental studies is when they take a variable like pressure and they manipulate it. They might create a situation that you feel high pressure in, or low pressure in and they manipulate different things. Because remember what pressure is, performing in a situation that is important to you and the outcome is dependent on your performance. The incentive is important.

Studies have been done for example, where they increase the value of the incentive as a way of increasing the pressure that you experience, or they focus on the consequences, the negative consequences. Sometimes we experience pressure because we don't like the negative consequences. It's not the incentive that's so important, but we don't want to get kicked out, to put it like that.

Reading all these studies, I found that there were certain principles that will help a person reduce it. One of them and one of my favorite that I've inadvertently used is what I call, always think multiple opportunities. See, one of the things that pressure does is distorts your thinking, and creates what I call pressure distortions, magnification. It’s the most important test I'm never going to take. The more important you make something, the more pressure you experience and ironically, the worse you will do.

Parents could tell their kids, this is really an important test, inadvertently they're making the kid do worse, because they're increasing the amount of pressure. Derek Jeter says that he treats a world series game the exact same way as he treats a game in April. Joe Flacco said the same thing. How do you prepare for the Super Bowl? “Just like any other game.” Why would these people do anything different? One of the pressure solutions, I'm giving two very quickly is to shrink the importance of the situation.

When you have an interview for a new job and a friend says, it's not a big deal. That's actually good advice. See, it's counterintuitive. It's hard for a parent to say, “Don't worry about your SATs. It's just another test. It's no big deal.” That's exactly what they should be saying. One is minimize the importance, or shrink the importance. Now the reason for that is because we tend to over exaggerate the importance. Some people will say, “Well then you're lying to yourself, because it is important.” I agree, it is important, but it's not the most important thing in your life.

How many parents have heard their kids come home and they say, “Oh, I didn't get into Harvard. My life is ruined.” The parent says, “Oh, you're being ridiculous and so on.” Yet, that same parent will come home from work that night, “Oh, I blew the presentation. My life is over and so on.” We get this catastrophic thinking, we over exaggerated. To counteract a tendency to over exaggerate the importance, I say that we have to minimize, we have to under exaggerate by telling us things like, “It's not a big deal.”

I've actually have discovered the mindset of people who do well in pressure moments and those are two of the thinking patterns that they have. One is it's an opportunity, they're befriending the moment, it's going to be fun, it's going to be a challenge. Two is they realize they're going to get another chance. Anytime, when I first started teaching at UCLA, I always said to myself, even if I'm terrible, I'm going to get home and there's going to be 20 phone calls asking me to speak. There's always another opportunity. There's always another bus. There's always another person to go out with.

I was giving a talk in Canada one time to a financial company on leadership through 500 financial advisors in the room. One young guy, he must have been about 25, 26, gets up and he says, “How do you handle the pressure of calling a girl for the first time?” He said, “For me, that's a lot of pressure. How do you handle it?” Before I could respond, another guy two years older jumped up and said, “Just remember, there's a 100 other girls waiting for the same phone call.” Everybody laughed, but everybody knew it was true.

[0:46:22.6] MB: For listeners who want to concretely implement some of these ideas and solutions into their lives, what would be one piece of homework, or an action item that you would give them to start implementing some of the stuff right away?

[0:46:36.1] HW: Well, one of the things that I would say, let's say that a person who's listening has a big presentation tomorrow. Now I don't care how hokey this sounds. There's tons of research to make it “evidence-based.” Studies have shown that if you write down your anxieties and feelings, not think about them, but literally write them down, you will do better in your pressure moment. The reason is because those anxiety thoughts you've gotten them out of your system. They are less likely to surface in the moment of ruth.

It’s like talking to your friends all day about a personal problem, and then he speak to another friend at 10:0 at night and they say, “Well, what's going on with such-and-such?” You say, “You know what? I'm sick of talking about it.” You've literally gotten it out of your system. That's a concrete activity that people could do. Write down their anxieties and their fears the night before.

If I am a coach of a team, I have every player doing that and plus, just to make sure that they do do it, I will collect them.Aa second thing that a person can do, see one of the reasons that happens in pressure situations is we get over-attached to the outcome and we start to define our self-esteem based on the job. If you have a bad interview and it's not because you had a bad guest, but because of something you did whatever, then you get down on yourself and you start to worry and you say, “I'm no good. I'm never going to make it this and so on.”

What studies have shown is that if you affirm your self-worth again before a pressure moment, I would tell everybody, before you go into a pressure situation, think of three good things about yourself that have nothing to do with your work, you end up doing better. Because you start to realize that even if you screw up, you're still a worthy person.

I used to tell my kids no matter what you get on the test, you're still great kids. I still love you. My son once asked me, I said, “Will you get me something good if I do well on the test?” I said, “Of course not.” I said, “I get you something that you like, because I love you. It has nothing to do with what you do on the test.” That to him was at that age, was a revelation. People had to affirm their self-worth.

I remember years ago, a California Angel pitcher, I think his name might have been Donny Moore, gave up a home run and as a result, the Angels didn't get in the playoffs. The press got down on him for five days in a row and the guy committed suicide. Now I will not say, like Malcolm Gladwell will jump to the conclusion was that one incident that we could generalize that he committed suicide. I can tell you that he felt he had no worth, and that he has been affirming his self-worth. What if I gave up a home run? I'm still a good person. I'm still a good father. I'm still a good husband. That makes a big difference.

Sharing your pressure feelings, very important for young men to do. Most of them like to keep feelings and – they don't like to admit it, because they think it makes them less manly. That's because they've been watching too many movies and listening to too many sports announcers about stepping up. Sharing pressure feelings is a very smart strategy, whether it's with your partner, or whether it's having a team meeting for five minutes. “Hey, who's feeling a lot of pressure or whatever? Let's get it out in the open.” That becomes a very important strategy.

Anticipating. Anticipating what could go wrong in the pressure moment. When I first started teaching at UCLA I said, “Well, what do I do if somebody gets up and says this guy stinks and walks out of the room?” Or worse yet, if everybody says he stinks and walks out of the room and one person stays. I would visualize myself dealing with the worst possible thing and still doing it with some type of style and dignity.

It's always good, Tom Brady will anticipate every defense that could be thrown at him on that. Then when it comes, he’s ready for it. That's the difference between people who lose their composure and people who don't. Anticipating is another one of those mental strategies that a person can use. Meditation, studies have shown that if you meditate, magic number is 12 hours. It doesn't have to be in a row, you start to create changes in your brain. As a result, it becomes easier to relax on cue.

If you're into practicing meditation, that's another “pressure managing strategy” that you can use. These are all accessible. Well, what I want people to realize is that managing pressure doesn't require you to do anything new. It just requires you to do something different. You're using your natural tools. Your natural tools are your thoughts. Everybody has thoughts, but how a person who performs well under pressure thinks is different than a person who chokes.

We all have physiological arousal, that for people who do poorly under pressure, that arousal gets out of control. That's when they feel butterflies, or they feel that their body tensing up. That's why learning how to relax is very, very important. It impacts our behavior. How many movies have you seen where the person gets so nervous, they can't – the bad guys chasing them. They can't even put the keys in and start their car, or open their door. That's your human performance system.

Visualize a triangle; thoughts, arousal and behavior, like a triangle. All those three factors interact with each other. What pressure does is it sabotages. It attacks each one of those components. Those strategies that I mentioned are ways to fight back, so that you're in control of your thoughts. You're in charge of your behavior and you are in control of your physiology. 

[0:52:55.5] MB: For listeners who want to dig in, learn more and find you and your work online, what's the best place for them to find you?

[0:53:01.6] HW: I would invite everybody to go to my website, which is hankweisingerphd.com and they'll see a whole bunch of articles and videos for free, that I think that they will find very useful. There's a lot of good articles on the blog, there are also radio interviews to listen to. I intend to put the link of this podcast up there as well. Also Matt, I want them to look under courses and they will see my online performing under pressure class. It's not ready yet, but I will give you a coupon code that you can pass on to your listeners that will give them a 30% discount on the class, which they have access to for life, and I am always updating it. Quite frankly, I think they'll find it – everybody will find it very, very, very useful.

[0:54:02.6] MB: Well, we'll make sure to include that code in the show notes for listeners who want to find it, again successpodcast.com, you can find all the show notes on there. Hank, thank you so much for coming on the show, for sharing all this knowledge and wisdom, obviously a tremendous amount of research and clinical experience and it really shines through in all of the examples and stories that you provided.

[0:54:21.4] HW: Well, thanks for having me and I hope to come back again in the future.

[0:54:25.5] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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Don't forget, if you want to get all the incredible information we talked about in the show, links transcripts, everything we discussed and much more, be sure to check out our show notes. You can get those at successpodcast.com, just hit the show notes button right at the top. 

Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.


September 20, 2018 /Lace Gilger
Emotional Intelligence
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Three Dangerous Ideas That Are Putting Our Society At Risk with Dr. Jonathan Haidt

September 13, 2018 by Lace Gilger in Decision Making, Emotional Intelligence

In this episode we discuss several seemingly good ideas that are actually quite dangerous. We start with a look at how the immune system can teach us about the vital importance of being “anti-fragile.” We look at lessons from ancient cultural traditions all the way up to modern psychology research to peel back the layers of our current social dialogue and look at many notions that have permeated our current thinking. What are the best ways to promote growth and development? How can we help heal people who have suffered from trauma? How can we create a framework that allows for our society to seek the truth and solve our toughest challenges? We take a hard look at the answers to these questions and much more with our guest Dr. Jonathan Haidt. 

Dr. Jonathan Haidt is a social psychologist and professor of ethical leadership at New York University’s Stern School of Business. He is the author of multiple books including most recently The Coddling of The American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas are Setting Up a Generation for Failure. He is also the author of over 90 academic articles and his work has been featured across the globe.

  • In teaching psychology 101 Jonathan found that there was much wisdom in the ancient traditions around how we could be happier 

  • There are a lot of really bad ideas being spread these days - despite the fact that they arise from good intentions 

  • What can the immune system teach us about vital importance of anti-fragility?

  • The reason peanut allergies are rising is because America started protecting kids from peanuts in the early 90s

  • Kids need to get sick and be exposed to dirt and germs so that they can be healthier - that’s the cornerstone of the immune system

  • The importance of being anti-fragile

  • If you try to protect children you end up making them weaker, not stronger

  • The importance of play - free play without adult supervision - and letting children take risks

  • We can’t reach natural without a lot of play (in the form of risk taking)

  • Comfort zones are most often expanded through discomfort - we must be uncomfortable to grow

  • Our extreme culture of overprotection has really harmed children

  • Every ancient culture that leaves us with deep writing shares the idea that we don’t experience reality as it really is - we experience reality as we interpret it - our life is the creation of our minds

  • “There’s nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so"

  • You don’t grow in a threatening world - you hunker down and get defensive

  • Children need to be in the zone of exploration and excitement

  • You shouldn’t trust you first reaction - you need to question your first reaction

  • What happens when students themselves ask for protection from ideas and think that ideas will traumatize them?

  • A desire to protect those who are emotionally fragile is wrong - exposure is how you solve fear and emotional fragility

  • The way you overcome a phobia is not by hiding and walling yourself off from what you’re afraid of 

  • If the goal is actually to help people - the entire culture of safetyism - that people are fragile and need to be protected - is directly opposed to the scientific research around what actually helps people

  • Are the phenomena of Safe space, trigger warnings, micro aggressions and the morality of “safetyism” that arose in the last few years healthy for individuals and society?

  • If you goal is healing trauma and helping people improve - embracing discomfort is the best solution

  • If your goal is to seek truth - then you must expose yourself to ideas you disagree with and have others challenge your ideas as well 

  • If you goal is ideological victory then you try to silence your opponents ideas 

  • If people don’t share ideas because they’re afraid of being attacked - then the entire goal of truth seeking cannot be achieved. Today people are afraid of speaking up and afraid of challenging many ideas

  • Humans are tribal creatures - we evolved with a tribal mentality in order to survive - and yet this instinct can be very destructive when we apply it to ideological divides 

  • We’re playing the truth seeking game, we’re trying to make a diverse community, and we must give everyone the benefit of the doubt

  • Just as we don’t tolerate racism or sexism, we shouldn’t tolerate anyone silencing ideas  

  • Silencing discussion and thought policing can actually foster support for damaging and negative ideas

  • This isn’t just a debate about how to interpret reality and communication - the culture of “safetyism” is a major contributor to the rise of suicide and anxiety

  • Since 2011 rates of suicide have risen 25% for men and 70% for women 

  • This is a pragmatic argument - its not moral or political - and yet the dialogue today prevents the discussion of truth from even happening

  • What does the psychology tell us about child development and personal improvement?

  • What kind of norms are conducive to growth and self improvement?

  • The world is incredibly safe now - physically its very very safe

  • We live in a bubble where algorithms confirm what we already want to believe 

  • Anything you say has infinite downside potential - you could be shamed and criticized - the internet and social media have enabled many intellectual “mob” dynamics where ideas that go against the norm are often silenced or never brought up

  • Our evolutionarily ingrained mode of thinking is more tribal/religious and this is directly opposed to the more scientific method of thinking and inquiry 

  • What does it mean to be spiritual, but not religious? We have all the same religious psychology that we’ve always had, but without organized religion. And often these religious tendencies can manifest in social movements. 

  • At times people fighting for a cause can drift into a tribal mindset 

  • How can we “wise-up” ourselves and our children to think more clearly and embrace the lessons of psychology to be healthier, happier, and think more clearly?

  • The “Chicago Principles” for freedom of thinking - an open platform to speak, discuss, and debate ideas - so that you can make your case with evidence and good arguments. 

  • If you don’t have diversity of ideas when you’re searching for truth you often come to erroneous conclusions. When we lose viewpoint diversity the science itself is at risk. If you don’t have diversity you’re likely to have bad thinking. 

  • We have to think about the social process of how imperfect flawed individuals (like all humans) can work together to discover what’s true

  • Homework: Spread these ideas to others.

  • Homework: Think about the context and system you can to improve and think about how these principles can be appleid to keep healthy debate and productive disagreement 

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Show Notes, Links, & Research

  • [Book] The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom by Jonathan Haidt

  • [Book] The Coddling of the American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas Are Setting Up a Generation for Failure by Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt

  • [Amazon Author Page] Jonathan Haidt

  • [Book] Antifragile: Things That Gain from Disorder (Incerto) by Nassim Nicholas Taleb

  • [Book] The Black Swan: Second Edition: The Impact of the Highly Improbable (Incerto) by Nassim Nicholas Taleb

  • [Book] The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion by Jonathan Haidt

  • [Book] iGen: Why Today's Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy--and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood--and What That Means for the Rest of Us by Jean M. Twenge PhD

  • [Book] Free-Range Kids, How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry) by Lenore Skenazy

  • [Website] Let Grow

  • [Website] OpenMind

  • [Website] Heterodox Academy

  • [Download] ALL MINUS ONE: John Stuart Mill’s Ideas on Free Speech Illustrated

  • [Website] The Coddling

  • [SoS Episode] The Biggest Threat Humans Face in 2018

  • [Wiki Article] Chicago principles


[00:00:19.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[00:00:11] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success, the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than 2 million downloads, listeners in over a hundred countries and part of the Self-Help for Smart People Podcast Network. 

In this episode, we discussed several seemingly good ideas that are actually quite dangerous. We start with a look at how the immune system can teach us about the vital importance of being anti-fragile. We look at lessons from ancient cultural traditions all the way up to modern psychology research to peel back the layers of our current social dialogue and look at many notions that have permeated our current thinking. 

What are the best ways to promote growth and development? How can we help heal people who’ve suffered from trauma? How can we create a framework that allows for our society to seek the truth and solve our toughest challenges? We take a hard look at the answers to these questions and much more with our guest, Dr. Jonathan Haidt. 

Do you need more time; time for work time, for thinking and reading, time for the people in your life, time to accomplish your goals? This was the number one problem our listeners outlined and we created a new video guide that you can get completely for free when you sign up and join our email list. It's called How You Can Create Time for the Things That Really Matter in Life. You can get it completely for free when you sign up and join the email list at successpodcast.com.

You're also going to get exclusive content that's only available to our email subscribers. We recently pre-released an episode in an interview to our email subscribers a week before it went live to our broader audience. That had tremendous implications, because there is a limited offer in there with only 50 available spots that got eaten up by the people who were on the e-mail list first. With that same interview, we also offered an exclusive opportunity for people on our e-mail list to engage one-on-one for over an hour with one of our guests in a live exclusive interview, just for e-mail subscribers.

There's some amazing stuff that's available only to email subscribers that's only going on if you subscribe and sign up to the email list. You can do that by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the homepage. Or, if you're driving around right now, if you're out and about and you're on the go, you don't have time, just text the word “smarter” to the number 44222. That's S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44222.

In our previous episode, we discussed several simple strategies for thinking better by looking at lessons ranging from sources as disparate as the methods of Sherlock Holmes to the principles of professional poker. How do you create focus and engagement when you're trying to solve a problem? What are the potential ways that you can improve your memory to supercharge your thinking ability? How can you train your mind to think more effectively about emotion, risk and uncertainty? We discussed this and much more with our previous guest; Maria Konnikova. If you want to learn how to think clearly and make better decisions, check out our previous episode. 

Now for interview with Jonathan. 

[00:03:11] MB: Today, we have another fascinating guest on the show; Dr. Jonathan Haidt. Jonathan is a social psychologist and professor of ethical leadership at New York University Stern School of business. He's the author of multiple books including most recently The Coddling of the American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas Are Setting Up a Generation for Failure. He's also the author of over 90 academic articles and his work has been featured across the globe. 

Jonathan, welcome to The Science of Success. 

[00:03:35] JH: Hi, Matt. Thanks so much for having me on. 

[00:03:38] MB: We’re very excited to have you on the show, and there's so much work that you've done that I think is super relevant for our audience, but I'd love to start with kind of the sort of opening parable of Coddling the American Mind and kind of the story of the guru and how that sort of explores some of the kind of, as you call them, untruths that are causing people to think sort of poorly about the world today. 

[00:03:59] JH: Sure. So my first book is called The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom, and it grew out of a course I taught at the University of Virginia. I was a professor there for 16 years, and in teaching psych 101 I decided to – I found that I was often quoting the ancient, so I wrote a book basically taking ancient ideas and evaluating them as a psychologist. Are they true?

So what we do in The Coddling of the American Mind is we noticed that there're a lot of really bad ideas being taught to kids these days for good intentions. It’s always done for some purpose to help them in some way, but they can be debilitating. 

So, for example, the first one is what doesn't kill you makes you weaker, and that's obviously the opposite of the classic dictum; what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. So the way we decided to open the book, it was Greg's idea that we would go on a – Greg Kukianoff is my co-author. What if we tell a pretend story that we’re going off on a wisdom quest ourselves? So we start of the story kind of straight-faced saying that we went on a trip to Mount Olympus in Greece and we talked to an oracle there in pursuit of wisdom, and he gives us these words of wisdom, like what doesn't kill you makes you weaker. So that just flies in the face of not just ancient wisdom, but of modern psychology about anti-fragility, which I hope we’ll talk in length about. But that was sort of the literary device that we used to open the book to get across the idea that kids can be harmed by bad ideas even if they are well-intentioned. 

[00:05:27] MB: So let's take into anti-fragility, because I think that's one of the kind of cornerstones of what you talk about in Coddling the American Mind, and it's funny to me because we interview people from such a wide array of fields; the military, the FBI, astronauts, poker players, neuroscientist, research psychologist, and again and again and again you kind of come across this theme that you have to face discomfort. You have to kind of – To build that mental toughness, you have to engage with things that you disagree with and things you don't like, and that's ultimately sort of one of the fundamental things in performance psychology, is that you shouldn't sort of hide from things that you just like. You should sort of toughen yourself against them. 

[00:06:05] JH: That's right. So I could repeat that. I could just be the 17th person to say that on your show, but maybe what I can bring in, which your listeners might not have heard about, is the immune system and the way that the immune system works. So we open chapter one with the story of my son's first day of preschool when he was three years old, and the teachers just went on and on and on in the parents’ orientation meeting about peanuts. It was like this is the most important thing they care about. No peanuts. Nothing that ever touched a peanut, or looks like a peanut, or has the other word letter P in it. It was crazy. Because it turns peanut allergies are rising. 

Well, when I looked into this, I discovered that the reason peanut allergies are rising is because Americans started banning peanuts. They started protecting kids from peanuts in the 1990s, and that just flies in the face of the logic of the immune system. So the immune system is this credible evolutionary accomplishment. Evolution had no idea what germs and worms and parasites we were going to face. So it created this open-ended system that learns, it learns really quickly, it learns even while in utero. It learns from what foods your mother has eaten, as to what foods you’re safe and which ones it should react against. 

And if you protect kids from dirt and germs, if your mother is always washing your hands and not letting you play in the dirt, yeah, in the short run, you're going to get sick less often, but kids need to get sick. They need to be exposed to dirt and germs so that their immune system can wire up and then they’ll be healthy for the rest of their lives, or healthier. 

So what this shows is that the immune system is anti-fragile. It’s a wonderful word made up by Nassim Taleb, the guy who wrote The Black Swan, and it describe systems that are the opposite of fragile. So if a wineglass is fragile, you have to protect it, and if you drop it on the ground, nothing good will happen. It will break. But there are other systems that you have to drop on the ground in order for them to work. 

So while Taleb was originally writing about the banking system, the economic system that was so fragile before the 2008 crash, he called it. He predicted that the system is fragile, not anti-fragile. So it was vulnerable to catastrophe, and he was right. In the same way he says, “There are many other systems, like the immune system,” and even says, “like children.” He says “If we over protect children, we think we’re doing them a favor, but we’re not. We’re weakening them.” 

[00:08:26] MB: I love that example of the immune system, and I think it shows that kind of the importance of being anti-fragile is hardwired not only into our psychology, but our very biology. 

[00:08:35] JH: That's right. That's right, because when you have an open-ended system that has to learn, evolution built in that learning into the process. So we make a big deal in the book about the importance of play and free play without adult supervision, and it has to include letting kids take risks. 

I learned so much interesting work on play, but one thing that I'm sure your listeners will have noticed when they were kids or if they've seen other teenagers, when kids learn to skateboard, they don't just go for a ride, they ramp up the challenge. So once they skateboard, they then skateboard on staircases and they try to skateboard down railings. Kids do this. Once they master a skill, they want to test themselves, push themselves. That's the developmental program. We are designed for play. We can't reach maturity without a lot of play, which includes risk-taking. 

So this is wonderful. My wife gave me a fortune the other day. She had a fortune cookie and she handed me the fortune. It said, “Comfort zones are most often expanded through discomfort.” That's exactly the process. Kids seek out discomfort in some ways. We’re designed to push ourselves, test results, and that's how we grow strong. 

[00:09:47] MB: Yet our culture has continually in the last 5, 10, 15 years been sort of moving more and more towards being fragile and being more brittle. 

[00:09:56] JH: That's right. Our book; The Coddling of the American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas Are Setting Up a Generation For Failure. It's not about millennials, it's about the kids born after 1995. They're the ones who really bore the brunt of our extreme overprotectiveness, our extreme emphasis on academic achievement, our willingness to sacrifice recess and also some other things for more and more and more time on math and other skills that will be tested. We just started over protecting and under liberating our kids, especially in the 1990s. It goes back to the 1980s, but it really picked up its pace in the 1990s. We think we’re doing kids a favor, but we’re hurting them. We are preventing them from developing in the way that human beings were designed to develop. 

[00:10:41] MB: So you talked about a number of kind of untruths that you uncovered or sort of discussed in The Coddling of the American Mind. Let’s dig into the next one, which is sort of always trusting your feelings, or the belief that you should do that. 

[00:10:54] JH: Yeah. So chapter two of the happiness hypothesis, the second great untruth is always trust your feelings. So what we really need to be teaching kids is to question their first reactions. This is part of maturity. The book actually grows out of Greg Lukianoff’s experiences. My co-author and friend, he is prone to depression, and he had a suicidal depression in 2007, and as a result of that he learned to do cognitive behavioral therapy in which you learn the names of distortions. Like people who are depressed and anxious, they are constantly catastrophizing is one distortions, like, “Oh, this little thing happened, but my God, it's going to cause everything else to fail,” or black-and-white thinking. Everything is either all good or all bad. 

There are these patterns of disordered thought, and Greg had learned to stop doing them. That's what you do in CBT. You learn the names of these distortions. You catch yourself doing them, and gradually over a few months, you do them less and then you're happier. You're tougher. You are more resilient.

What Greg began to see in 2013, he runs the organization; The Foundation for Individual Rights in Education, fighting for free speech for college students. He began to see in 2013, 2014, the first signs of students themselves asking for protection from ideas, because if somebody reads this novel, it could traumatize them. It could reactivate their PTSD, and there's not really any evidence of this. PTSD is not reactivated by some obvious reminder of like the word. It's often activated by something particular to you and your experience, something that happened on the day of your trauma. 

So the whole thing is not based on very good psychology, but it's based on – Let's give him the benefit of the doubt, a desire to protect people who are emotionally fragile. But it's misguided, because the way you get over fears is to be exposed to little reminders, not to the giant fear itself, but to little reminders, like the mention of something in a novel. 

So the overprotectiveness, the desire to protect people from the very experiences that will actually help them get over their fears is misguided, and we think maybe contributing to poor mental health on campus. 

[00:13:06] MB: I think that such an important point, and this whole idea that the way you overcome a phobia, right? I mean, if you look at the psychology research, it's not by constantly walling yourself off and building your life and building your own sort of personal world where you never encounter the thing that you're afraid of. It’s through exposure therapy. It's through building that muscle of being comfortable with discomfort. 

[00:13:28] JH: That's right. I think it's Pavlovian conditioning, for any listeners who have taken psychology. So if you have an elevator phobia, maybe you were once trapped in an elevator for six hours and you thought you were going to die. What should you do? Should your friends help you avoid television shows that have elevators in them? Should people walk you up the stairs and not even bring you near an elevator? Should they accommodate to your phobia? That might seem like a nice thing to do, but in fact the more your friends do that, the deeper your phobia gets. 

When you get reinforced, when you avoid elevators and your anxiety subsides, you learn to avoid elevators. But if you go near an elevator and nothing bad happens to you, that's actually how your sphere subsides. That’s when you get over the phobia. That’s how you counter condition. That’s how you extinguish it. 

So here, the always trust your feelings and the anti-fragility come together. We are anti-fragile creatures. We have very strong feelings, but those feelings are not always a reliable guide to the world as it is. Sometimes we need to change our feelings. This is called growth, education and development. 

[00:14:35] MB: And I think it's really important to kind of underscore again that talking about phobias, and elevators, etc., that this perspective is based in science. This idea that the way to overcome a phobia is by exposure, and the opposite of that, this sort of pursuit of avoidance in creating these kind of safe spaces is, well, kind of very well-intentioned is not based in science. In many ways, kind of opposed directly to what the science actually says around dealing with these kinds of issues. 

[00:15:05] JH: That's right. So if the goal is therapeutic, if the goal is actually to help people, then the whole culture of safety, as we call it, the idea that people are fragile and need to be protected from things that could trigger them or make them feel uncomfortable, is misguided. Again, that fortune, comfort zones are most often expanded through discomfort. 

So when students want to create a safe space, it comes out of feminist chat rooms in the 1990s. So if a group of women on the internet want to create a space where they can talk about experiences of sexual assault and rape and they want to say, “This is a safe space in which everyone will be supported.” That's totally fine. There's a right of free association. People want community. I mean, that strikes me as totally fine. 

The issue is, should this way of thinking be brought on to a college campus and should it ever be used when thinking about speakers on campus or classroom discussions? That's the question. That's where I believe we make a big mistake. By we, I just mean some students. Most students don't really go in for the safe space ideology. Most students are perfectly normal and healthy and tough. 

But there's been a new idea since around 2014, plus or minus a year, a new idea crept on to campuses fairly rapidly and spread very quickly about safe spaces, trigger warnings, micro-aggressions, cultural appropriation. I never heard any of these terms before 2014, and by 2016 they’re all over the academic world. 

[00:16:31] MB: So what do you think obviously that whole kind of ecosystem is starting to seep into the behavior and the thoughts of not just children, but many people around our society? How do we kind of bridge the gap between what the science and the research shows are kind of healthy reactions to negative stimulus and what the kind of emotional response of people often is?

[00:16:52] JH: Well, that's what we’re hoping, that a science trade book like ours will do some useful work. So this new morality of safetyism that emerged on college campuses around 2014-2015 is very quickly spreading from American college campuses, to British-Canadian, and more recently Australian universities. It’s not spreading on the continent of Europe. They don't have these ideas of safetyism. So it is spreading throughout the English-speaking world in higher ed. 

Then what became really clear last year, in 2017, is that it’s spreading very rapidly through certain industries; through media, technology, and journalism. Those of the three where I hear a lot of reports about it. So if you go to work, if you graduate from a liberal arts college that is all about safe spaces and things like that, then you go to work in a mining company or a manufacturing company, people are going laugh at you and you'll get over it quickly. 

But if you go to work at the New York Times or The Atlantic, they’re wonderful publications. I love those newspapers and magazines, but I've heard from people who work there that among the youngest, the interns, the youngest people, they’re bringing this idea in that certain viewpoint, certain people are so hateful, so unacceptable that we cannot give them a platform. We cannot listen to them. They are dangerous, their mere presence, their ideas are dangerous. 

Now, if there's any field that should understand the necessity of bringing diverse viewpoints together and of listening to both sides, it's journalism, also law and also the social sciences. In all of these places, this new philosophy of safetyism, it's a politicized notion. It's related to the culture war. It's undercutting the ability of these areas to do their work.

[00:18:30] MB: I think that's where these ideas in some way sort of concern me, aside from the whole conversation about sort of the therapeutic damage that they can cause potentially, is that when they kind of get in the way of the scientific pursuit of truth, I think that's where it gets kind of really concerning. 

[00:18:47] JH: That's right. That's a good way to put it. So a way that I began to think about this, is that human beings are very flexible. We can play a lot of different games, and each game has a different goal or endpoint, or telos as the ancient Greeks said. What's the purpose or function of something? 

So we can play the healing game if we are doctors or therapists where we try to make someone better, or we can play the discovery game when we try to figure out what's true. So for that, we often do try to consult diverse viewpoints. We have people debate and argue. We do this in juries. We do this in the science literature. 

So the truth seeking game is a very special game where you have to have people who will challenge your confirmation bias and, in turn, you challenge their confirmation bias. None of us are very good at finding the truth on our own. We’re all very, very good at finding evidence to support what we already believe. That's the confirmation bias, and that was at the heart of my second book; The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion. 

So we can do the healing game. We can do the truth seeking game, or we can do the victory game. That's where I know who's on my team. Other people are on the other team. You're either with us or against us. We’re good, you’re evil. Depending on the stakes, the ends will justify the means, and we must win. We must defeat you. 

Now, I think our politics is horrific. I don't want to get too political on this broadcast, but I certainly understand people who are playing the game of defeat the other side very passionately. Right now, there certainly is a place for the victory game of the war game, but the classroom is not it. The classroom is a very delicate ecosystem in which if people are afraid that they will be attacked personally for sharing an idea, they won't share their idea. If people don't share ideas that go against the consensus, then the whole system breaks down. The truth seeking game cannot be played. 

So this is what's happening not at most universities. Most universities are not overtaken by this, but if you look at the elite schools, especially in the Northeast and the West Coast and especially the liberal arts colleges, there's data showing that most students report self-censoring, especially around political or politicized topics, and anecdotal reports, whenever I go to these schools and I ask if they have a callout culture, all hands go up. People are afraid of speaking, afraid of challenging received wisdom, and this is terrible. This is a terrible environment to put young people in, but this is the way things have evolved especially in the last few years. 

[00:21:13] MB: I think that kind of gets to the third untruth that you talk about, which is this sort of battle between good and evil and how that can cause kind of cognitive distortion. 

[00:21:24] JH: That's right. So one of the big themes of the righteous mind was that we are tribal creatures. We evolve for tribalism. There's no other way to explain it. If you look at fraternity initiations at universities in America and you compare them, the initiation rites of pre-state societies, the pain, and fear, and disgust that is used, the rituals that take place exactly at midnight. There’s something on the human mind that really prepares us for tribalism. Men more so than women, young men especially go in for these tribal rituals, but it's very deep in our psyche, and this I think is the only explanation for sports. Why do we spend so much time and money on sports? Because we love tribalism, we love the battle of us versus them, and we can do it in a way that’s not harmful. Sports doesn't really make people hate the other side, except maybe in Britain. They have soccer hooligans and things like that. But for the most part, sports is friendly rivalry. 

Well, in academic life, it can be really destructive to interpret everything in a sociology class through the lens of us versus them, where us, let's say, is the left and them is the right, or to make it racial or gender, does a terrible disservice to the people engaged in the conversation. It prevents them from playing the truth seeking game. It dragoons them. It forces them into the victory game, and a lot of students don't want to play it, but they're afraid to stand up against it. 

[00:22:47] MB: So how can we start to kind of clear the way for the pursuit of truth and kind of the freedom to express any idea and evaluate whether it's true or not?

[00:23:00] JH: Yeah, it's hard, but I think it begins with an appreciation of the fact that we need boundaries around activities, and leadership must set those boundaries. So what I mean is the president of the university on the first day or when he or she welcomes the incoming class, of course, they talk about – They talk about diversity and inclusion, of course, but along with that they need to talk about what we're here to do. Why are we here? What is special about this place that you could not get if you just stayed home and went to the library every day, or found books on the Internet. What's special about this place?

So if they set norms about our mission, that we’re playing the truth seeking game, that we require disagreement, that we are trying to make a diverse community, and that means there will be frequent, almost constant misunderstandings. We have to all try not to give offense. I think it's useful to train students in those ways. But at the same time, we have to train everyone to give everyone else the benefit of the doubt. 

Diversity is hard, and I think some of the ways that we teach about diversity may amplify problems. Given that we’re tribal creatures, the more we play up identity and we teach students to judge each other based on their identity, the worst things will be. 

So I think leadership has a crucial role to play, especially at orientation on universities. They have to set rules, and just as we will not tolerate acts of racial hostility, or sexism. We’ll not tolerate those things. Similarly, we should not tolerate anyone shouting someone else down, preventing someone from speaking. So these are some of the most florid examples of what's been happening on college campuses, is speakers who get no platform, or shouted down because their views are deemed to be too hateful. 

The usual way to respond to that is to either just don't go to the talk, or debate the person. Show them where they’re wrong. Show the audience where the person is wrong, and that's the way things were on college campuses until around 2013-2014. That’s when this recent wave of shout downs have been.
A couple of them have involved violence, although for the most part they’ve been nonviolent.

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[00:27:03] MB: It’s interesting, and in many ways when you can kind of silence the debates around these ideas, you prevent some of these more kind of racist and sexist perspectives from really being explored and dismantled, in many ways kind of create a space for them to kind of foster, because they can't be challenged because they can't be discussed. 

[00:27:19] JH: That's right. When you tell people, “You can't say that. You will be punished if you say that.” The response is never, “Oh gosh! Then I must be wrong. I'll stop thinking that.” The response is usually a kind of anger. It is an emotion in the psychological literature called reactants. Reactants is the angry feeling you get when you're told you can't do something or say something, or if you're pinned down. You have an extra strength to fight off restraint. People don't like that. 

And so in many ways, speech restrictions, the sort of thought policing, it makes a lot of people angry, and I think it makes especially young men much more interested in speakers and for that attack, that kind of political correctness. So there’s certainly has been a rise of – Again, I don't want to get into the debate about what is the alt-right and all those things, but I think the political polarization that we're seeing, I think many people on the left are shortsighted if they try to shut down kinds of speech. I think when they do that, they tend to simply make enemies and push people over to their opponents. 

In fact, I got a great quote here. Let me see if I can find. There’s a quote from Steve Bannon. Let’s see what did he say. He said, “The democrats, the longer they talk about identity politics, I got them. I want them to talk about racism every day. If the left is focused on race and identity and we go with economic nationalism, we can crush the democrats.” 

Now, that's a strategy decision. I'm not sure that he's right about it, but as a social psychologist, I think that there is at least some truth to that, that people on the left or some recent movements on the left, when they talk about these identity issues in ways that seem to attack people or treat people as evil, they make enemies, and it's often counterproductive. 

[00:29:07] MB: So kind of pulling back from the sort of moral or political element of this, I think you talk in the book as well about kind of how this culture of safetyism contributes to things like rising suicide rates and anxiety. Tell a little bit more about that. 

[00:29:22] MB: Yes. This is why I think that we will begin to see some change, because this isn’t just a debate about how to interpret things. What we're seeing is a very, very large and rapid with a sudden onset, a large rise in rates of anxiety and depression in adolescents. It's not a rise of bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia. It's not across the board and it’s not just people making up words or a new generation acting like it's, “Oh! We’re so depressed, because we’re happy. We’re comfortable talking about depression.” It’s not that. Because the suicide rate has shown the exact same thing and the hospital admission rate for self-harm has shown the exact same thing. 

Let’s see. I think I have some numbers here. Let me see if I have those numbers handy. So if you look at the suicide rate for adolescents, boys always have a high - Girls make more attempts, but boys have – Boys commit suicide more often, because they tend to jump off buildings, or use guns. They tend to use irreversible means. 

So boys have a higher rate, but what has happened since roughly 2011 is the rates of suicide and anxiety and depression began rising for boys. So the boys’ suicide rate is up 25%. If you take the average of the suicide rate for the United States for teenagers from 2001 to 2010, that was 11.9 per hundred thousand. That's risen to 14.8 per hundred thousand. So that's a 25% rise in boys killing themselves, teenage boys killing themselves. That's gigantic. That's a lot of kids. But compare that to the rate for girls, it was only 2.9 per hundred thousand if you average across the first decade of this century, and it goes from under three to now about five per hundred thousand. That is an increase of 70%. The girls’ suicide rate is up 70% if the last two years of data are pretty much identical at five per hundred thousand. 

So my point is that something rather sudden has happened. It hit us all by surprise. Over the last few years, we've been hearing reports from college campuses that the student counseling centers are overwhelmed that the line of students seeking help for depression and anxiety is way out the door. We can't meet the demand. Will, now, finally in last couple of years, we have really clear national data on this. So this is a catastrophe. This is a lot of dead kids, suffering kids, destroyed families. This is horrible what's happening. We’ve got to get a handle on it. 

Social media is clearly a big piece of the puzzle, and there’s a wonderful book called iGen, I-G-E-N, by Jean Twenge that goes into that, but we think that the other big, big piece of the puzzle is rather than just social media. The other big piece of the puzzle is that we cracked down on playtime and independence so severely in the 1990s that we've denied kids the thousands of hours of unsupervised play that they need to become self-governing adults. 

Kids need to have plenty of time to work out conflicts to be alone, to not have a parent there by them all the time, and because we've deprived kids of play and freedom so severely since the 1990s, we think that this is one of the reasons why as they get older they have failed to develop their psychological defenses. They're not as comfortable being on their own. When they come to college, they need a lot more help. 

[00:32:36] MB: I think that kind of underscores and comes back to what we were discussing earlier, which is the idea that this – And you make this point in the book as well, is this is kind of a pragmatic argument. It's not necessarily sort of a moral or political position, and yet in many ways the dialogue today kind of often prevents this sort of the rational discussion of this from taking place. 

[00:32:57] JH: Exactly. So I'm a social psychologist. I study how to help people get along, how to bridge political divides, and the debate about what’s going on on campus unfortunately is so politicized. So we have one side, people on the right and the right wing media saying, “Oh! Snowflakes and SJW, social justice warriors. They’re crazy.” 

We have the people in the left saying, “Oh! You know, the alt-right and the racists, and the homophobes,” and all sorts of bigotry, and each side has real things that they can point to. Each side is not crazy, but they're just making the problem worse, and what Greg and I are trying to do in our book is put aside all moralism. We’re not blaming anyone. The subtitle of the book is really what the book is about. It’s how good intentions and bad ideas are setting up a generation for failure. 

We’re trying to cut through the partisan nonsense and just say, “What does the psychology tell us about child development? What does the psychology tell us about intellectual development in college? What kinds of ideas, or climates, or norms are conducive to growth and which kinds impede it?” So that's what we’re trying to do in the book, is just take a very pragmatic approach to diagnosing a serious problem and then recommending solutions. 

[00:34:13] MB: I think it’s worth noting as well that I know we’ve talked a lot on the show about sort of child development and sort of focusing on children and universities. But the reality is that these principles of growth and the psychology research around how to improve and grow and move out of your comfort zone, this applies to anybody and everybody and there's many people whose growth is limited by kind of the perspective that they should avoid or kind of wall off things that they disagree with as opposed to sort of facing them head on. 

[00:34:40] JH: That's right. I think that habit is clearly taught by social media. So it's not really clear what to do about this. So the generation we’re talking about, igen, or genz, kids born after 1995. They’re the first in history to grow up with social media, millennials got it when they were in college or later. They didn't have it as teenagers, but igen got it when they were 13, a lot of them 13 or 14. 

So the world is incredibly safe now. The crime rate is over. Rates of child deaths and accidents plummeted. The world is physically very, very safe for today's young people, but live much of their life on social media where there's all kinds of nastiness, and racism, and sexism, and social media offers people the chance to block other people. 

So if you grow up being exposed to bad words, which of course are upsetting, and then you can block those people, then you come to college and somebody, the college republicans have invited some speaker that you think is hateful. Why can't we block them? Why do we have to have them on our campus? 

So I think their habits of thought that are developed by a grown up in a social media ecosystem that are not good for living in a democracy. Democracy is messy. You're always going to dislike the other side, and somehow we have to learn to work with each other. My fear is that the youngest generation has grown up with such vivid examples of Democratic dysfunction and with tools to block out other people. 

So I think when they grow up and take over the reins of governance, they may not be as prepared as some previous generations were. That's my fear. I don't know what will happen, but that is a concern. 

[00:36:13] MB: I wrote a piece a couple of months ago around the same idea that essentially we live in a world today, and social media is a big piece of it, that algorithms essentially sort of reinforce constantly our own kind of confirmation bias. We live in a bubble basically where we’re almost never exposed to any ideas that we disagree with. It's such a major contributor to the polarization in our society today. 

[00:36:34] JH: That's right. So the Internet and social media have done two things that are very, very powerful. So we've known since the 1990s, as soon as we got search engines, like Google, and before that, AltaVista, that the internet makes it very easy to confirm whatever you want to believe. So you can start only consulting sources that you like, and of course the media ecosystem has been very conducive to that. 

So there's the filter bubble problem. We’re all sure that we’re right. We become more self-righteous, more angry at the other side. But the other effect, which is very different and I think is perhaps more pernicious, is that the costs of punishing others have gone way, way down and the benefits to doing so have gone way, way up. 

What I mean by that is that we all live in an economy of prestige, that is just as you get paid for some things and you get billed for others, when you do something socially, you either gain credibility or prestige points or you lose them. So if everybody is incentivized to – You gain prestige by doing well in the test or by making money, you'll try to do well on test and you’ll try to make money, and that may have some negative social repercussions. But for the most part, those are not so bad. 

But if you are incentivized to condemn others, if you get points for calling out others – So if someone says some perfectly innocent thing or they wear a piece of clothing that you can criticize and call it culturally insensitive, if you get points for doing that, well that’s how you get a call out culture. So young adults today, or teenagers, are for the most part it seems immersed in ecosystems that many of the elements of a call out culture. What that means is that they grow up such that everything they say has almost infinite downside potential. Anything you say could be taken out of context. Maybe you slip. You use a word you're not supposed to use, and you can be pilloried for and you can be publicly shamed for it and others will join in, because they get credibility points. They get prestige points for jumping on the pylon. 

So the internet has enabled not just the informational distortions of a bubble, but the social distortions of mob or vigilante justice. It’s not exactly justice, but mob dynamics. I think we have to really be sympathetic to the young generation growing up like this. So when they come to college, yeah, they're more reluctant to speak up in seminar classes, they’re more reluctant to challenge prevailing, the norms or whatever is the dominant view in the classroom. So their education suffers because of it. 

[00:39:03] MB: And that kind of gets to something else that I've heard you speak about, this idea that the sort of – The sort method of scientific thinking is an unnatural sort of way of thinking and the kind of religious mode of thinking. I’ll let you kind of explain what that means, because it’s not necessarily religious. It’s sort of our more natural kind of method of thinking. 

[00:39:23] JH: Yeah. So I love to think evolutionarily. I think human beings are the most fascinating species that’s ever lived. I'm really glad that I'm one of them, and we have an amazing origin story. A part of the origin story is we have to get from where upright walking apes about 3 or 4 million years ago. We’re not human in any real sense. We’re just like chimpanzees or guerrillas who happen to have stood up, chimpanzees or bonobos who happened to have stood up vertically. Somehow we get from there to civilization, and it seems – At least the story that I tell in the righteous mind is that a really big part of the transition was because we developed religion. I don't mean large-scale religion. I mean, tribal dynamics in which we circle around something. Make it sacred. We worship a tree, or a rock, or an ancestor's skull. There are forms of traditional or tribal religion that are very, very similar around the world. 

In doing that, we create a moral order, we create a set of rules and norms that bind us together, and this is especially effective as we’re fighting the next tribe over. So we have a long period of evolution for tribalism. So if we evolved for that, and then we develop these large-scale religions only very recently; Christianity, and Hinduism, and Judaism. These religions are very recent, and in some ways now they're not fading out, I wouldn't say, but more and more Americans say that they’re spiritual, but not religious.

What that means is that they have all the same religious psychology that we've always had. We think about sin, and sacredness, and blasphemy, and sacrilege, and things like that. They have all the same psychology, but without an organized religion. Sometimes those religious psychological tendencies show up in new social movements, and this is what some people are saying about some elements of social justice. 

So social justice of course is crucial if people are being denied access or dignity because of their category membership, then that is a social injustice. So in the book, we’re very clear that social justice is a good thing. There are certain meanings of social justice that are so consistent with deep intuitive notions of justice. But at times, people fighting for a cause drift into a tribal mindset in which they can become like religious inquisitors, and a lot of people are writing about this now. There's a lot of interesting pushback from people who are not white males who are now writing about the ways that identity politics and the social justice movement have in some ways gone too far, gone off the rails, or imported some kind of ugly tendencies. So that’s something that we’re very concerned about. 

[00:42:01] MB: So how do we, kind of as you put it in the book, wise up to thinking more clearly around all of these various problems?

[00:42:10] JH: Yeah. So it's a really multifaceted problem, and therefore there's no simple answer. In the book, we conclude that there are six causal threads, six different causes of the problem, and the briefest list is rising political polarization with political purification of the faculty. Rising mental illness, especially depression, overprotective, paranoid parenting, the loss of play, the bureaucratization and incorporatization of universities and some new ideas about social justice and identity politics that, as I said, I think are often counterproductive. So those are the six trends. 

Some of those can't really be reversed. So what we recommend in the book is break the problem into what are we doing to kids before they reach college? Let's stop doing that, or at least really keep our eye on what is healthy developments and kids can live independently. In the second piece is what kinds of environments they find once they arrived in college? Though I should say, a lot of the dynamics are now happening in high schools, especially private schools, prep schools, are changing very rapidly as far as I can tell. 

So on the child-rearing front, I think we need a lot more free range parenting. So there's a wonderful woman, Lenore Skenazy, wrote a book called Free Range Kids after she let her nine-year-old son ride the subway in 2009 and he survived. He wanted to do it. He rode a few steps by himself. A lot of people were upset by this, like, “Oh my God! How dare you let your kid ride the subway? He could be abducted.” So she started based on those experiences. She started a movement called Free Range Parenting. 

Lenore and I and a few other people have recently grown this movement into a group called Let Grow. So if listeners go to letgrow.org, especially those who are parents. If you want advice on how to raise kids, go to letgrow.org, and we have a lot of advice based on scientific research. A lot of it for how do you give kids a healthier childhood that will make them stronger, more resilient adults? That's the first piece. 

Second piece is what do we do on campus? There, it just requires leadership, and leadership at many universities has been reactive, not proactive. So if you wait for things to blow up, if you wait for there to be a protestant and demands over somebody who said some word that somebody didn't like, to wait for that to happen, it’s very hard to get a handle on things. 

But if you lay out the norms very clearly upfront on the first day of class, the first day of orientation about what we’re trying to do here, the special role of universities. How we need to give each other the benefit of the doubt. If you have good clear leadership and you emphasize that this is different from the public square, this is not about fighting the political war. We’re doing something different here. I think you can create environments in which students can grow intellectually. They can have some space away from the culture war that's likely to rage for the rest of their lives once they leave college.

[00:45:03] MB: I know you also talk about kind of a framework called the Chicago Principles. Could you share those and kind of why that's so important?

[00:45:09] JH: Yes. So these issues, the issues we’re talking about now about students protesting, speakers, things like that, they didn't just start in 2013. There was a wave of that in the 1960s. In Britain, they call it no platforming. So there've been students making demands on universities for a long time. When I was in college, I went to Yale in the early 1980s, and then it was all about compelling the University to divest from South Africa. 

So students have applied pressure to universities for a long time, and that's understandable. That's normal politics. But if you're running the university, many leaders have observed that their job is just impossible. Because if they agree to do what the students want on .1, well, a third of the university community believes the opposite and a lot of the alumni deal with. 

What happens if you take sides? It's the same problem that corporate leaders are now having with their push to take sides on Donald Trump or anything else. It's antithetical to the spirit of the enterprise if leadership and the institution has to take sides on every issue. 

So the University of Chicago put together under the leadership of Professor Jeffrey Stone, they wrote a great document; The Chicago Principles on Freedom of Speech, I think is what it was called. The key point is that the university provides a platform on which all members are free to speak, free to contend, free to make their case, but the university does not take sides. As long as you say that, then you instantly redirect student efforts from protests to demand that the university do X, Y or Z to students arguing with each other, which is what they should be doing. 

So the Chicago Principles can really help insulate universities from the kind of pressure campaigns that many are getting and let them focus on providing an open platform not for everyone in the world. We don't want every holocaust denier and neo-Nazi to come to campus, but at least students should be free to speak and argue with each other and they should learn to make their case with evidence and good arguments.

The Chicago Principle is a very simple fix, but it's a step that every school should take to endorse them, to have a clear policy that people get to speak, nobody gets shouted down, and the university is not going to take sides in your debates. 

[00:47:18] MB: I know we touched on a number of sort of semi-political themes in this interview, and I want to underscore again this point that we discussed earlier. My personal perspective on this is sort of purely pragmatic. I'm concerned with how do we sort of discover the best possible strategies for improvement? How do we determine what the scientific research says? Ultimately, how do we pursue truth? When I think about my kind of intellectual heroes, people like Carl Sagan and Charlie Monger, the pursuit of truth and trying to really discover what's true is of such sort of fundamental importance to me. The issue can often get politicized. But I want to kind of bring that back and just reemphasize what you’ve discussed and said many times in this conversation that this is a discussion of what does the scientific research say and how do we create a society where we can have healthy, happy, psychology well-formed individuals and we can pursue truth. 

[00:48:14] JH: That's right. That's beautifully put. The one thing I would just add to that is that it's hard to just say, “Oh, we're just pursuing truth here. No politics.” Well, we’re often guided unconsciously by what we want to be true. So if a research community has no political diversity, then that research community is going to surprise – Not surprisingly find, but the scientific research supports what it believed all along. 

So just as when psychology was all male, it came to some erroneous conclusions about gender and about women's psychology, and it was very important to get women into psychology. So in the same way, the social science isn’t particularly left. There are many reasons for that, and would never have universities where half the faculty are conservative. There are a lot of psychological reasons why progressives are more drawn to the activities of faculty members. 

But when the imbalance gets severe, as it has gotten in the last 10 or 15 years, when we lose viewpoint diversity, then the science itself is at risk. The conclusions of science about politicized topics are no longer reliable. 

So what a lot of my work is on is not trying to help any group. I'm sometimes accused of trying to help conservatives, because I think we need more conservatives in the academy. But what I'm really trying to help are university and trying to help the process, that if you don't have diversity you’re liable to have some bad thinking. So we have to think very carefully about the process, the social process, the institutional process by which imperfect flawed, post hoc reasoning creatures like us who evolve to dance around campfires and worship rocks and trees. What kind of process and culture puts us together? Is that we end up producing reliable science. That's kind of an amazing story. It's a process that's easily corrupted, and that's what I'm really trying to work on in a lot of my projects and it’s what Greg and I are trying to work on in part in our book; The Coddling of the American Mind. 

[00:50:07] MB: So for listeners who want to kind of try to concretely implement some of the things we’ve discussed, what would be sort of a piece of homework or an action step that you would give them?

[00:50:17] JH: Well, first go buy the book. Buy a copy for all your friends and have them read it. I’m only being a little bit facetious, and that some of these problems are not ones you can address on your own. So the social media problem for raising kids is really hard to just crackdown on your own kid. I’m trying that now with my 12-year-old son and my 8-year-old daughter put on a program that limits them to two hours a day of internet use. It's very hard for me to do it on my home, because they say none of their other friends have this. They feel like they're being separated, because can't do – My son can't do Fortnight, and he can't do these battle games with three or four hours a day like his friends. 

But if you have a group or community; a school, a religious congregation that has a discussion about these problems, if you do things as a group, you can be much more effective. More generally, I would break it down into are you trying to improve a school? Are you trying to improve an office or a company? Because these problems are flooding into the corporate world. So listeners are going to find these issues coming to them at work increasingly over the next few years. 

So try to define what's the system that you’re hoping to reform or improve, and then think about what changes would keep healthy dynamics of debate, and discourse, and respectful disagreement. 

[00:51:32] MB: For listeners who want to learn more and find you and your work online, where's the best place to do that?

[00:51:37] JH: We have a website for the book at thecoddling.org. I cofounded an organization called heterodoxacademy.org. I also cofounded this project that's just grown wonderfully at openmindplatform.org, and that's a program we developed that will help any community learn to talk more openly, learn skills of productive disagreement. 

So our most powerful tool is the open mind program at openmindplatform.org. We produce a wonderful book of John Stuart Mills, On Liberty, just The Second Chapter. Arguments about freedom of speech and why it's so important in a liberal democracy. So if you go to heterodoxacademy.org/mill, you can find our Mill book. It's free, a free PDF download or an inexpensive Kindle. So we have a variety of resources that will help individuals and groups to maintain or improve the climate for healthy productive discourse and disagreement. 

[00:52:38] MB: Well, Jonathan, thank you so much for coming on the show and sharing all these wisdom, a very important and very timely topic. 

[00:52:45] JH: Well, thanks so much, Matt. I really enjoyed our conversation. 

[00:52:47] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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Don't forget, if you want to get all the incredible information we talked about in the show, links transcripts, everything we discussed and much more, be sure to check out our show notes. You can get those at successpodcast.com, just hit the show notes button right at the top. 

Thanks again, and we'll see you on the next episode of the Science of Success.

September 13, 2018 /Lace Gilger
Decision Making, Emotional Intelligence
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This Simple Idea From Quantum Physics Could Change Your Life with Mel Schwartz

August 23, 2018 by Lace Gilger in Mind Expansion, Emotional Intelligence

In this episode we discuss how a few crazy ideas from quantum physics might just change your life. We look at how some of the core principles from the hard sciences have huge implications for the way we live, love, and deal with a world of danger and uncertainty. It is possible that the laws of physics hold lessons that could help us redefine our relationship with anxiety and suffering and open the door to possibility? We discuss this and much more with our guest Mel Schwartz

Mel Schwartz is a psychotherapist, marriage counselor, author, and speaker. He is one of the first contemporary practicing psychotherapists to distill the basic premises of quantum theory into therapeutic approaches. Mel is the author of the book The Possibility Principle: How Quantum Physics Can Improve the Way You Think, Live and Love and has been featured in Psychology Today, TED, and much more.

  • How a panic attack led to a chance encounter with a worldview that transformed Mel’s perceptive

  • The Core Principles of Quantum Physics and how they can redefine our lives

  • Reality is not certain, predictable, and deterministic 

  • Uncertainty = possibility, determinism shuts the door to possibility

  • The epidemic of anxiety in our society has to do with our relationship with uncertainty - warding off uncertainty creates stress and anxiety

  • Quantum theory holds the premise that reality is literally one inseparable whole

  • Science confirms the “mystic” belief that everything in life is inseparable 

  • “The myth of separation” - We are no longer separate disconnected cogs 

  • Because all life is interconnected, compassion and empathy makes sense and there is fertile ground for purpose and meaning 

  • You don’t need to be a math wizard to understand how the principles of quantum physics can transform your world view 

  • Arguably the most important scientific discovery that has ever occurred

  • Our thinking has been trained to compartmentalize and separate the world

  • This is not woo woo new age or a spiritual conclusion - this is a fundamental conclusion of hard science

  • Our language shapes how we perceive the world - when we use the language of dualism and determinism we create a lived experience that is reinforces the illusion that we are somehow separate from the world

  • Depression comes from a sense of alienation and alone-ness from Newton's deterministic worldview

  • The Newtonian worldview - the deterministic / mechanistic worldview 

  • Reality is not fixed - its stirring and unfolding 

  • Quantum reality is in a state of potential - always waiting to occur 

  • Let’s take a look at the role certainty and uncertainty play in our lives

  • The need for certainty feeds into a fear of making the wrong decision and traps people in anxiety and fear

  • The fear of the consequences of a decision - the fear of the uncertain - often constrains people

  • Life is like a river - get into the flow of life - you can still navigate

  • Mistakes should not be feared - labeling your experience as mistakes causes you to live in a prison of fear and anxiety

  • Your thoughts are often addicted to seeking certainty

  • Don’t avoid it - embrace discomfort - we must embrace discomfort psychologically and cognitively to grow 

  • Embrace confusion - it’s exciting, its a sign post for growth, it gets you to places you’ve never been before 

  • Embrace vulnerability - its OK to be transparent, its OK to be yourself, its OK to be who you want to be - that’s authentic self esteem

  • As a culture we don’t pursue “authentic self esteem” we pursue “other esteem” - we alter and shape ourselves to elicit approval and recognition from other people. 

  • We’ve been playing from the wrong game plan

  • The way to embrace uncertainty is by shifting your relationship with your thoughts

  • We are imprisoned by our thoughts - they create accompanying feeling and emotions. 

  • You have to develop the method, create the muscle memory - to see a negative thought, see it, accept it, but you don’t have to believe it 

  • Uncertainty = possibility

  • Addiction to certainty = anxiety, fear, stress

  • Ask yourself - what is my thought telling me? How do I know it’s true? How often do I have these thoughts?

  • Old thoughts and limiting beliefs defend their territory

  • Don’t be reactive - be contemplative 

  • If you can’t see the thought or emotion - you become that thought or emotion 

  • Acting strong is acting, and that’s weak

  • What does it mean to really be strong? To be vulnerable. Sharing your insecurities, self doubts, and fears. When you share them you’re not worried about anyone else judging you. 

  • When your relationship with yourself is in tact - thats authentic self esteem - you can’t be judged by anyone else

  • You give other people the power to judge you - and judge yourself based on what you think, they think of you

  • Your thoughts and feelings are the paintbrush on the canvas of your life

  • The way we picture reality is the way we experience reality 

  • Homework: In the course of your day - try to capture the themes of your thoughts and ask yourself, what are they telling you? 

  • Homework: As yourself some larger question - how do you view life? How did you come to your core beliefs about the world? What informs your core beliefs about the world?

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Show Notes, Links, & Research

  • [Book] The Turning Point: Science, Society, and the Rising Culture by Fritjof Capra

  • [Book] The Possibility Principle: How Quantum Physics Can Improve the Way You Think, Live, and Love by Mel Schwartz

  • [Article] Feldenkrais Learning and David Bohm's Dialogue Model, by Ilana Nevill

  • [SoS Episode] The Skeptics Guide To Meditation With Dan Harris

  • [SoS Episode] Proven Strategies of Mindfulness and Self-Compassion with Dr. Ronald Siegel

  • [Personal Site] Mel Schwartz

  • [TEDTalk] Overcome Anxiety in 7 Minutes | Mel Schwartz | TEDxBeaconStreet

  • [SoS Episode] How You Can CRUSH Self Sabotage with Dr. Gay Hendricks

  • [SoS Episode] Are You Being Held Back By Childhood Limiting Beliefs? With Guest Catherine Plano

  • [SoS Episode] Four Questions That Will Change Your World - An Exploration of “The Work” with Byron Katie

  • [SoS Episode] Evidence Reveals The Most Important Skill of the 21st Century with Dr. Tasha Eurich

Episode Transcript


[00:00:19.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[0:00:12.0] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success, the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than 2 million downloads, listeners in over a hundred countries and part of the Self-Help for Smart People Podcast Network.

In this episode, we look at how some of the core principles from the Heart Sciences have implications for the way we live, love and deal with the world of danger and uncertainty. Is it possible that the laws of physics hold lessons that could help us redefine our relationship with anxiety and suffering and open the door to possibility? We discuss this and much more with our guest, Mel Schwartz. 

Do you need more time; time for work time, for thinking and reading, time for the people in your life, time to accomplish your goals? This was the number one problem our listeners outlined and we created a new video guide that you can get completely for free when you sign up and join our email list. It's called How You Can Create Time for the Things That Really Matter in Life. You can get it completely for free when you sign up and join the email list at successpodcast.com.

You're also going to get exclusive content that's only available to our email subscribers. We recently pre-released an episode in an interview to our email subscribers a week before it went live to our broader audience. That had tremendous implications, because there is a limited offer in there with only 50 available spots that got eaten up by the people who were on the e-mail list first. With that same interview, we also offered an exclusive opportunity for people on our e-mail list to engage one-on-one for over an hour with one of our guests in a live exclusive interview, just for e-mail subscribers.

There's some amazing stuff that's available only to email subscribers that's only going on if you subscribe and sign up to the email list. You can do that by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the homepage. Or, if you're driving around right now, if you're out and about and you're on the go, you don't have time, just text the word “smarter" to the number 44222. That's S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44222.

In our previous episode, we told the truth about time. We threw out all the old and outdated conceptions of time management and looked at how time really works. We explored the fundamental way that you must blip your approach to time so that you can focus on what really matters in your life. 

We looked at how you can become an artist, manipulating time at your will, stretching your best moments so that they last longer and ruthlessly removing things that clutter your life. If you press for time, like there’s never enough and want to figure out how to create time for what really matters in your life, listen to our previous episode with our guest, Laura Vanderkam. 

Now, for our interview with Mel. 

[00:02:56] MB: Today, we have another great guest on the show, Mel Schwartz. Mel is a psychotherapist, marriage counselor, author and speaker. He’s one of the first contemporary practicing psychotherapist to distill the basic premises of quantum theory into therapeutic approaches. He’s the author of the book The Possibility Principle: How Quantum Physics Can Improve the Way You Think, Live and Love and has been features in Psychology Today, TED and much more. 

Mel, welcome to the Science of Success.

[00:03:24] MS: Thank you, Matt. It’s exciting to be with you. 

[00:03:26] MB: We’re very excited to have you on the show today, and it’s funny, obviously science is kind of a big theme of our show, even in the title of the show, The Science of Success. But in many ways I think that you’ve created a really unique perspective on kind of integrating some science that we typically don’t really dig into or talk about on the show, specifically this kind of notion of the quantum worldview and applying it to life, stress, anxiety, all kinds of different things. 

I’d love to kind of dig into that and really hear about how you kind of came to this approach that perhaps quantum physics could hold some answers for living better lives. 

[00:04:01] MS: Well, [inaudible 00:04:02] field of inquiry, Matt. I’ll go back about 25 years ago. I had recently divorced and I woke up one beautiful spring morning thinking it’s a great day to take a bike riding. My young children was with their mom for that day. So I went out and enjoyed myself. 

In the middle of that bike ride I experienced, well, I guess we call it panic attack. My mind started to raise, was fear about my future, what it would be like. Bike around and headed back home. Upon arriving home, I absentmindedly pulled a book off the shelf, which was called The Turning Point, by a physicist named Fritjof Capra, and I started to read about this fascinating shift of paradigm, this worldview shift taking us away from Newtonian reality [inaudible 00:04:46] quantum worldview. 

After reading about 10 or 15 minutes, I noticed that I wasn’t feeling anxious any longer. I continued to reading and I found that I became fascinated in this new worldview. It excited me, frankly, than it thrilled me. It’s 25 years later and I’ve never stopped. 

I began to look at the core principles of quantum physics, which are reality is not certain or deterministic as we had been trained to think by Newton. It’s not predictable. It’s uncertain, and I began to realize that uncertainty equals possibility, whereas determinism shuts off the door of the possibility. 

As a therapist, I’ve come to see that the disorder and epidemic of anxiety we experience has to do with our relationship with uncertainty. When we ward off uncertainty, when we need to know the future in advance, it creates this stress and anxiety. Paradoxically, if we learn to embrace uncertainty, we can write the waves of change. 

Furthermore, I saw that quantum theory held that reality isn’t literally won inseparable full. Just as eastern mystical traditions had always taught us, but now science was confirming that mysticism, at least on the quantum level. Well, over the last couple of decades, science has indicated this inseparability that appears on the quantum level, it appears on our everyday macro level as well. What does that do? 

It means that we are no longer separate disconnected cogs in Newton’s machine-like universe where there’s no meaning and purpose and change is hard and we are inert. But if we are all thoroughly interconnected, meaning in purpose or our birth right [inaudible 00:06:36] participates in the creation of reality. It’s more like a reality making process. In this interconnection, compassion and empathy make perfect sense, because if I tend to the other and care for the other, it improves my lot in life. We’re not alienated, separated individuals. I think so much of what ails our modern culture comes from excessive competition in greed born of Newton’s worldview of individualism, of separation. I refer to it as the myth of separation. 

So I began to employ inseparability, uncertainty, and potentiality into my work as a therapist and I found that the results were often startling. They came with the same issues, month after month and year after year. We were able, and by me, my therapy clients and myself, to foster and approach which would help people have turning points just as I had that turning point in reading that book. It was not a slow gradual process of getting it. 

I don’t believe that self-improvement, enlightenment needs to conform to gradualism. [inaudible 00:07:46] life when we have an aha, we look at something differently and we start to write a new script for our lives. So that’s what brought me to this work. My approach is that I read quantum physics. By the way, for the listeners, I am not a scientist. I was a C-student in science. I’m not reading math and formulas. I’m simply reading principles and asking, “If this is so, then how can I reorganize how I live my life to benefit from this powerful new worldview?” 

I find it effective in overcoming fear and anxiety and becoming the master of your thinking, and I use some of these techniques to enhance our communication and our relationships, Matt, as a broad overview of what has brought me to this work.  

[00:08:34] MB: The interesting thing that I find with this kind of quantum worldview that you’ve applied to psychology and self-improvement is that this is a conclusion that is based on kind of the fundamental principles of the hard sciences. It’s not something that is from social science, or psychology studies where it’s often easier to kind of turnover, disrupt the results or maybe the sample sizes can be so small that you can get kind of erroneous conclusion. These are some of the major fundamental ideas from physics, biology, etc., and they have some really monumental takeaways for the way that we live and exist in the world.     

[00:09:14] MS: Moreover to that very point, there’s a chapter in my book, the possibility principle, in which I suggest that arguably, the most important scientific discovery that has ever occurred goes unknown to most of us, because we have to radically reconsider reality. 

When I speak of inseparability, this had to do with a thought experiment between Albert Einstein and Niels Bohr. The experiment was if you take two photons, they exist in what’s called an entangled state, Matt, which means they have an affinity for each other. As entangled particles, they have a spin, but they have opposite spins. One spins negative, one spins positive. 

The thought experiment was if we take these photons and separate them by a great distance, let’s take half the universe. How long will the signal take from one to the other in regard to alternating their spin? So we change the spin of one. The other particle must change its spin. How long will it take? Einstein argues that the signal will be sent and it cannot travel as fast as the speed of light. Niels Bohr said no signal will be sent. It won’t be necessary. They are as one no matter the distance between them. 

This caused Einstein to make his famous statements of, “God doesn’t play dice with the universe, and if this is true I’d rather be a cobbler than a physicist,” and the debate rages on for decades. After Einstein’s death, the technology is finally available to test this theorem, and the results conclusively show that Niels Bohr was correct. No signal is sent. Now this has been retested with increasingly more sophisticated technology over the decades, and the result is always the same. 

Now, in our everyday lives, we experience inseparability. We can call it ESP, or intuition. I talk in my book about the fact that if we have a pair of twins and she lives in San Francisco and he lives in Paris and she falls down and breaks her ankle in exactly at that moment she feels a pain in her ankle. The skeptics says, “Well, they have shared DNA, but this occurs increasingly without the shared DNA.” 

There are ways of knowing that are not applicable to the rational analytical modality of science and what we do, and it’s bad science, is we discard it as an anomaly. Placebo effect is an example. Medicines accepts placebo effect, but we should look at the placebo effect and say, “Well, wait a minute. If my mind can be as efficacious and healing what I need to treat as the medicine, I need to look at that. Therefore, I propose there is no mind-body connection, because there is no mind-body separation. They are as one.” 

You see, our thinking has been trained to separate things up to create compartments and divisions where none exist, and then our thought does not think and operate in wholeness, which contributes to so much of the disaster we encounter in our world. We need to learn to think in wholeness. 

As you said, this is hard science. I do not come at this from new age or from spiritual traditions, but in this case, quantum physics as a hard science is affirming and corresponding with many fields of deep spiritualism. They appear to be as one. 

[00:12:56] MB: You know, it’s funny. We’ve had that theme and that idea recur in a couple of conversations on the show. One of the most recently, our interview with Steven Kotler. We kind of look at – He studies flow and the science and psychology behind that. What they found is that even the kind of perception in your brain that you are separate from everything else in the world. There is  a specific part of the brain that kind of generates that essentially controlled illusion that you are separate. 

When they study people who meditate really deeply, whether they’re Buddhist monks, or nuns or even people who are in extreme flow states, that part of the brain shuts down and that creates that sort of sense or that feeling that everything is one and that you are not disconnected in any way from everything else. 

[00:13:37] MS: The way I look at that phenomenon with regards to the brain is I do not believe that the brain produces thought. My belief is that thought leaves its mark on the brain. So imagine that you’re walking at the beach. If you look behind you and you see your footprint in the sand, we wouldn’t think the sand produced the footprint. Your foot left this mark on the brain. 

I believe that our thoughts and feelings leave their mark on the brain, which is actually good news. Because it means we are not hardwired and we are not at the mercy of brain chemistry. Again, terms like hardwired. I think I have a screw loose. These are terminologies that come from Newton’s machine-like universe. 

We have to look at our language. Our language is so important here in depicting how we picture reality. I’ll be giving a TEDx talk in a couple of weeks in Fenway Park around language. When we use the two be verbs; is, am, were, was, be, these are all inert verbs that preclude movement or change and speak of objective realities. They are remnants from Newton’s worldview. They turn us into passive victims in how we picture ourselves and our relationships. 

Language plays a large part in this shift of paradigm. I wonder why it has taken us nearly a hundred years to enjoy the benefits of this worldview shift. Then it occurred to me that our thoughts are comprised of words, and if our words, like to be verbs are rooted in the inert objective reality of Newton’s worldview, then the shift gets perturbed and we don’t break through. 

So speaking without using and writing, without using two be verbs completely changes our notion of how we communicate. It allows us to speak and think in perceptive where we are the perceiver, we are participating in the creating of our thought and our perceptions. It is an inter-subjective based reality rather than the reality of Newton’s objective perspective, where we are separate and discreet and observe in what is. 

So based upon the insights of quantum physics, objectivity cannot and does not exist, and I regard that as good news, because if objectivity exists, we become the objects. It leads to a malaise, decrease enormous amounts of depression. Depression comes from the sense of alienation and aloneness of Newton’s worldview. 

So when we begin to consider that our thoughts and our thinking participate in the constructing of our personal reality and our perception of others, everything opens up. Now, I’m not going to the extreme of the nonsense of fake news. I’m not arguing that there aren’t things we can’t all agree on as having happened as real. I’m not moving to that extreme. I’m talking about in our perceptions and experiences as human beings, we can begin to shift from a human being to what I call a human becoming. 

You see, the question; who am i? Is an often asked question, and I wrote an article called Who Am I? In this article I proposed it’s the wrong question. Who I am is looking for a fixed, finite, specific inert response. What we should be doing is asking ourselves how would I like to experience my life? I like to see myself as a human in the process of becoming, not being, to move out of that stalled, fixed, inert state of mind that creates the construct and the belief that change is hard. Change needn’t be hard. But if we’re operating from this old worldview, then change is the exception and is hard. 

[00:17:39] MB: I want to come back and dig into this and just sort of extrapolate this concept a little bit for listeners so that they can have a better understanding of it. When you this about this idea of kind of the Newtonian worldview, I think you’ve done a really good job kind of explaining this notion of how quantum physics can reshape our perceptions of the world. But when we think about the kind of Newtonian worldview, tell me what is that so listeners can kind of spot that thinking in their own lives and be aware when they’re kind of using that frame of reference, or using that language to sort of perceive reality. 

[00:18:12] MS: Certainly. Newton described reality as a giant machine, became known as a mechanistic worldview or a machine-like worldview. The giant machine, this comprised of separate discreet parts. We, of course, became separate parts in Newton’s machine. 

One of the fundamental tenants of Newton’s worldview is determinism. If you have enough information, today we’ll call it data, you can reasonably predict the future. Well, that mindset, this need to predict the future completely frustrates and thwarts our ability to be present and to engage in a flowing participatory reality. 

Instead of actually engaging in life, so many people sit back and live life, and so you’re playing a chess match. You’re looking and calculating and contemplating, “Should I make this move or that? What will be the consequences?” We’re playing it all out in a deterministic way. In so doing, we succumb to anxiety and fear, the fear of making the wrong move, the fear of making the wrong choice. 

The other tenant of Newton’s worldview is of course the separation. So if we are all separate from one another, it leaves us without meaning and purpose. Compassion and empathy are the exception. We compete, and individualism takes hold to the point of greed running rampant, which we see so much of in our world. 

On a smaller personal level, this is what I see occurring in relationships. Relationships fall apart when we can’t be empathic and compassionate. It’s easy to say I love you, but it becomes challenging to act lovingly. 

So when I look at epidemics of anxiety and depression and they are at epidemic levels, I consider that they are the natural outcome of Newton’s machine-like universe, because as human beings, if we are living under the template of a machine, that is dehumanizing. It doesn’t inspire. There is no wonder and awe and connectivity and imagination. 

Let’s look at an expression like that’s immaterial. A legal term, but we use it in our everyday lives; that’s immaterial. What does that suggest? It suggests that something that is not material is less than. It isn’t important. We need to measure everything. 

I recently was in a session when one of my clients would propose that everything is measurable. I asked him if he could measure his love for his wife. How would he quantify it? So we became the objects of our own measurement. As I proposed, it leads to so much of the illness that we experience in so many levels, and I find the solutions lie in the quantum worldview, which suggest that reality isn’t fixed. It’s a reality-making process. It’s completely stirring and unfolding every nanosecond. 

I took that belief that quantum reality is in a state of potential, always waiting to occur, and I considered that we too are in a state of pure potential. In the nanosecond before we have our next thought, we’re in state of pure potential. But if we keep having the same old thoughts, we don’t experience our potential. 

So I’ve devised methods to be able to see your thought and experience that nanosecond as actually a second or two. When you can see your thought, you’re thinking, and that’s when you can access new possibility and new change in your life. 

[00:22:02] MB: This week’s episode is brought to you by our partners at Brilliant. Brilliant is a math and science enrichment learning tool. You can learn concepts by solving fascinating challenging problems. Brilliant explores probability, computer science, machine learning, the physics of everyday life, complex Algebra and much more. They do this with addictive interactive experiences that are enjoyed by over 5 million students, professionals and enthusiasts around the world.

One of the coolest things that I really also like about Brilliant is that they have these learning principles and two of them in particular really stick out to me as powerful and important principles. One of them is that learning is curiosity-driven. If you look at some of the most prolific thinkers and learners in history, people like Leonardo da Vinci, Albert Einstein, they were incredibly curious individuals, just really, really curious. It’s so great to see that one of their learning principles is this principle of curiosity.

Another one of Brilliant’s learning principles that’s absolutely critical is that learning needs to allow for failure. If you look at Carol Dweck, if you look at the research behind Mindset, this is one of the cornerstones of psychology research. You have to be able to fail to learn and improve. You have to be able to acknowledge your weaknesses. You have to be able to push yourself into a place where it’s okay to make mistakes. These learning principles form the cornerstone in the foundation of Brilliant. It’s such a great platform. I highly recommend checking it out.

You can do that by going to brilliant.org/scienceofsuccess. I’m a huge fan of STEM learning and that’s why I’m so excited that Brilliant is sponsoring this episode. They’ve been a sponsor of the show for a long time and there’s a reason; they make learning math and science fun and engaging and exciting.

You can get started today with Brilliant by going to brilliant.org/scienceofsuccess. That’s brilliant.org/scienceofsuccess. If you’ve been enjoying our weekly riddles in Mindset Monday, we’re also collaborating with Brilliant to bring some awesome and exciting riddles to our Mindset Monday e-mail list.

[00:24:09] MB: I love this idea that reality is not fixed. Obviously, from sort of a physical and a quantum perspective, that’s a fundamentally true law of physics. But I want to dig in to the kind of broader concept of uncertainty and what happens when we try to avoid uncertainty and why do so many people live their lives in kind of a mode of uncertainty minimization. 

[00:24:34] MS: We’re trained to seek certainty. Let’s take a look at the role certainty and uncertainty have in our lives. Uncertainty fuels the growth domestic product. Sports are based on uncertainty, movies, thrillers, books. We seek uncertainty in our lives, but on a more personal level, we become choked by certainty. Why? It’s the operating worldview that we need to avoid of making a mistake. We need to make the right decisions and we can best be assured of doing that by collecting enough information so that we can predict a future event. 

So people become afraid of making the wrong decision. They become afraid of the consequences of their decisions, but so many people then become stalled out in anxiety and fear and don’t make a decision. 

Matt, we need to concern ourselves with the consequences of our inactions as much as our actions. I work with so many people in which I see the fear of the consequence of a decision stalls them out. I see this in the corporate, I read it too, where I do consulting with corporations. The fear of the uncertain constraints us in our relationship with the known. 

What happens [inaudible 00:25:54] relationship with the unknown? If we learn to embrace the unknown? Again, unknown equals possibility. So think of it this way. I did this exercise with a client and it’s part of a recent TEDx talk I gave on overcoming anxiety. Picture you’re on the bank of a river and the river is flowing, and I explained to you that, metaphorically, that river is the flow of your life. I entice you to go into that river, but you’re stopped with this fear or uncertainty. But you get into the river and in the middle of the river the current picks up and you grab a hold of a boulder. I say to you, “Why are you holding on to the boulder?” You say, “Well, the river bends to the right up ahead. I need to know where it’s going. I don’t know where it’s going.” 

My response is, “We’re not supposed to know where it’s going. You need to get into the flow of life, but once you’re in the flow, you’re free to navigate. You can shift direction, but we have to get into the flow.” 

The fear of making a mistake has become such a powerful tenant and meme in our lives. We need to unravel this notion of mistake. A mistake is an event that occurs we wish hadn’t occurred, but mistakes need to be experienced, because by experiencing them, we grow, we evolve. We need to take the concept of mistake and start to limit it and not exalt this fear of a mistake because it creates a tremendous amount of anxiety and stress. Life is all full of experiences. If we label them mistakes, we live in fear. 

This is my second career. When I was 40-years-old, I had a defining moment and decided to close my business and pursue an area I thought I could be passionate about. If I succumb to the fear of would be that a mistake? I wouldn’t be sitting here having this conversation with you today. 

Now, it might not have worked out the way I planned, but that’s okay. I’d be in the flow of life, and I’d navigate in some other direction. We need to get into the flow, and to do that, we must welcome uncertainty, not avoid it. 

[00:28:00] MB: So how does the fear of mistakes and kind of the fear of uncertainty fuel anxiety? 

[00:28:06] MS: Direct correlation that I see between anxiety and avoidance of uncertainty. What is it that avoids the uncertainty? It’s our thought. See, thought becomes addictive to seeking certainty. When thought becomes addicted to seeking certainty, and there is no certainty, what’s the result? We’re anxious. We’re afraid. 

I have found that in my work as a therapist, when I can help people see how their thought is addicted to seeking certainty and rethink it so that they can embrace uncertainty, anxiety and fear retreats. If reality appears uncertain – Now, we seek certainty. The conclusion is dysfunction. We can’t exist that way, can we? Reality is uncertain, but we need certainty. How well is that going to play out? 

The way to break it down is search for your thought, is demanding certainty and seeking certainty and change your relationship with that kind of thinking. When you change your relationship with uncertainty and see it as your ally, so that if you have a thought that says, “This is making me feel uncomfortable,” then that should be a signal that you’re on the right path. Don’t avoid it. Embrace the discomfort. 

When we go to the gym and workout, we embrace discomfort. We know we’re creating new muscle. We must embrace discomfort psychology and cognitively to grow. So if you’re feeling uncomfortable, take it as a good signal, as a guide post and take the next step in that discomfort in regard to bringing on some more uncertainty. 

[00:29:43] MB: It’s funny, if you look at the science and the research and the studies of people who are some of the top performers in nearly any field, that theme, that idea of discomfort and embracing discomfort both psychology, cognitively, physically, etc., is one of the core kind of themes of human performance. So I think it’s such a really good point. I want to give you credit as well. 

Even before kind of the interview got started and the preshow discussion, listeners obviously don’t know and aren’t going to hear this, but you even said, “Matt, you can ask me anything you want. Any question you want about anything.” 

It’s funny, because some people, before they come to the show, we’ll get a list from them or their assistant or whatever that these are the only things they’ll talk about, or don’t ask me about these things. It’s funny, because you have such a health relationship to discomfort and uncertainty that it really shines through. That it was just kind of small anecdote that you’re living these principles, but they’re also really important principles to be living. 

[00:30:41] MS: Well, when I’m asked a question I’ve never been asked before and I don’t have an immediate answer, that’s exciting for me. That’s authentic. When I read books, if I understand everything I’ve read, that book was a waste of my time. I embrace confusion, because if I can be confused, somewhere down the road I will be breaking through. 

So it’s kind of like embracing vulnerability. Matt, by vulnerability, I don’t mean weakness. By vulnerability, I mean my transparent authentic self where I’m not concerned about what you think of. I hope you like me and I hope you’re impressed. But if you’re not, that’s okay. That’s authentic self-esteem. 

So asking any question allows me to go places I have never been before when I get asked new questions. Otherwise, it’s all rote. As a culture, we don’t inculcate or develop authentic self-esteem. What we do is pursue what I call other esteem. Other esteem means, if I think that you’re impressed or you like me, then I temporarily feel good about myself. 

But what people do is they alter and shape themselves to elicit approval and recognition. But when we’re doing that, we’re betraying any developing sense of authentic self. If we taught this to children in school, it would be an altogether different world that we live in. 

So I welcome that that asked a question I’ve never heard before, and I have found if I go on stage and I’m preparing for a talk. When I give TED talks, TEDx talks, I do some preparation, because it’s a short talk. I want to nail to it. But when I get on stage and I just freewheel and I just let it flow and come out, it feels so much more authentic. It’s so much better. It’s trusting that whatever comes up and whatever you share, is what needs to come up, and not to judge yourself, you see. It’s critical for your full thought that that’s the judging of us. That’s the kind of thought we need to see and we can learn to release. You can learn to become the master of your thinking when you learn to see your thought and not becoming a thought. 

[00:33:02] MB: I want to dig into that and I also want to dig in to self-esteem. But before we get into kind of either of those topics, I want to come back and touch a little bit more on discomfort and uncertainty. How do we, sort of from a practical sense, go about actually changing our relationship with uncertainty? How do we go about kind of redefining the way that we experience and/or think about it? 

[00:33:24] MS: Once you grasp the concept that we’ve been playing from the wrong game plan. So the concept is seeking certainty, bad thing, limiting, fear-inducing. So you get the concept. Now the question is, “Okay. I buy the concept. How do I do it?” We do it by shifting our relationship with our thoughts.

So this doves down into my work around thought. Thought tricks us, and that thought tells us the truth. That’s called literal thought. Thought tells us, “I don’t want to make a mistake.” Thought tells us, “I’m concerned about what they’ll think of me.” We don’t even see the thought operating. We buy it and we become the thought. 

I introduced the notion of what I call participatory thinking. Actually, I won’t have credit. The great late quantum physicist, David Bohm called it participatory thinking. That would sound like this; instead of saying I need to know the future, literal thought. Participatory thinking sounds like this, “I’m having a thought. Same old thought. My thought is telling me I need to know the future.” Now you see what happens when I think that way? I can say the thought and dissemble it, “Ah, that’s the thought that tricks me. That’s the thought that leads me down the wrong path.” 

There’s a me who has embraced this new worldview, and I’m now seeing the thought part that limits and constrains me. So thought becomes like a knock at the door. You hear the knock, but you can decide whether to get up and answer that door or not. So we can develop a muscle memory whereby we can see the thought. Now when I can see my thought, not only am I thinking. There’s a sense of me to this larger and more sovereign and powerful than just my thought. 

This allows me an intellectual wisdom, a deep intuitive wisdom. Otherwise, we have millions of thoughts throughout lives. They us the “truth” in your mind, and these millions of thoughts direct and embellish how we experience our lives we are imprisoned by our thoughts. Those thoughts summon up accompanying feelings and emotions. We’re trapped in this cycle of old thought and old feeling, and that’s why it’s hard to change the way to break through, and I delineate this in great detail in my new book, is we can develop a method to create a muscle memory whereby we see the thought. We don’t have to become the thought. We are the thinker of the thought, and then we can carve new territory. 

So with uncertainty, we stop with the meta view. Uncertainly equals possibility that’s good. Addiction to certainty equals fears, stress, anxiety, that’s bad. What do I have to do to break free? I have to start to master my thinking. I have to be able to see old thought that is addicted to certainty and learn to release it. This is achievable. It requires some effort. 

For many of the listeners who may be saying to themselves now, “That’s hard to do.” Look at your thought. You just had a thought that said that’s hard to do. You don’t know. Arguably, you’ve never tried to do this. So capture that picture. I’m proposing it isn’t hard to do. No one’s ever taught you how to do it. 

[00:36:49] MB: So our kind of tools and strategies like meditation, some of the methods that you would recommend, or what are kind of some specific ways to start to see and understand our own thinking? 

[00:36:59] MS: Well, meditation, as we all come to understand. Meditation is universal benefits. In my own authenticity in this particular moment, I don’t want to sound commercial and like I am self-promoting my book. So I have a dilemma in this moment, because I developed a methodology through my work over many, many years as a therapist to teach people how to do this and it’s all laid out in the book. Other than reading this, I’m a bit at a launch, just to tell your listeners, how to go after it. Because I haven’t quite seen it out there. 

But you can try some simple exercises. Ask yourself, “What is my thought telling me? How do I know it’s true? How often do I have these kinds of thoughts?” Practice this technique of seeing the difference between literal thought and participatory thinking. Old thought defends its territory. It doesn’t go easy and it tricks us and it is telling us the truth. 

Participatory thought sees the role with thought is telling you. See that role and then you rise above the thought and you can tap into profound sense of wisdom and insight when you can rise above and not submit to simply being your thought. 

You see, thought is reactive. Feelings are reactive. When you can see your feel or see your thought and express it, that is contemplative. So saying to someone, “You know, when you said that to me, I felt myself becoming really angry. Let me explain why.” That’s a health communication. You can see the anger and communicate it. If I can’t see the anger, if I can’t see the thought, I am the thought, I am the emotion and then I’m lost. There’s no way to go with it.  

[00:38:46] MB: I think that’s a really insightful distinction that if you can’t see the thought or see the emotion, you become the emotion. I really like that. I haven’t conceived of it that way, but I think it’s a great kind of tool for thinking really clearly about why strategies … And personally, for me, I’ve meditated every day for years and I’ve found meditations are really effective strategy. If for nothing else, just giving you the awareness of what thoughts are sort of flittering through your head so that you can kind of catch them and say, “Hold on. Is this thought really true? Is this thought really – Is it actually real or is it just something that’s kind of floating by and is it kind of a limiting belief that could be holding me back or could be stopping me from achieving the things that I want to achieve?” 

[00:39:28] MS: Then to take that and use it in our communication with others, that is so essential and it’s so rare to see it. It’s so rare to hear someone say to someone else, “I was having a thought or I was having a feeling. Let me share with you what it was.” That’s representative. That’s participatory. Instead, we just dive in to the thought or feeling and we exchange it as our truth. That’s why we see so little breakthrough in communication, because communication is not generative that way. Are you [inaudible 00:40:01] objective truce against one another? I mean, certainly in the political realm today, we see an altogether absence of participatory dialogue. 

[00:40:12] MB: I want to circle back to the kind of notion of self-esteem and authentic self-esteem. Tell me a little bit more about that and how that ties into the whole sort of quantum framework that we’ve been exploring today.

[00:40:26] MS: Self-esteem I believe is the way we use it, it’s a misnomer. I mean, if you ask educators or parents, “What gives children self-esteem?” They might likely say, “Good grades, excelling in sports, having a lot of friends.” In my perspective, none of that is self-esteem, because it means that the moment that my child didn’t have good grades or wasn’t good at a sport, or didn’t have a lot of friends, what would happen to the self-esteem? What if it was self, they’d still retain it. 

So self-esteem is if you remove of all that. What is my co-relationship with myself? Are my thoughts my best ally or are they my antagonist? Am I at peace and in harmony with myself? That’s authentic self-esteem. But as a culture, we are not taught to pursue authentic self-esteem. We’re taught to go after other esteem. 

So in my work, so often I will see people who we might call people pleasers. They want people to be happy with them. They’re people who camouflage and hide and disguise aspects of themselves, because they want to be well-thought of. That’s a pursuit of other esteem, and it’s not genuine. 

So in conversations between people, it is the exception when people are being genuine. Now, vulnerability has a lot to do with this. We’re taught, taught as a culture, and this is more so for men. Men are taught to act strong. Acting strong is acting, and that’s weak. What is it to really be strong? Again, even more so for men, to really be strong is to be vulnerable. 

By vulnerable, I don’t mean crying and feeling week. By vulnerable, I mean sharing your insecurities, your self-doubts, your fears. When you share them, that means you’re not setting up anyone else to be the judge of you. You’re not worried. Your relationship with yourself is intact. That is authentic self-esteem. Someone else may disappoint you. So be it, but your co-relationship there is with self. You’re not worried about judgment. 

Let’s look at the concept of the word judgment. If you have an authentic self-esteem, there’s only one person who can be your judge, and they reside in the courtroom and they wear long, black robes. If you appear in front of them, they are the judge. In human relations, people have opinions. If we elevate someone’s opinion and confer upon them the status of being a judge, we’ve done that. It’s because we’re judging our self based upon what we think you think of me. 

So authentic self-esteem requires a complete shift in how we view ourselves. Now, when you come across a person who operates in deep authenticity, they standout, they’re illuminated. They have a confidence, a way of beating is singular and it’s because they have authentic self-esteem. We’re coming back to the concept of mistake. It means if I make a mistake, okay, I made a mistake. I make mistakes. So be it. 

I can have an embarrassing moment, a foolish moment. I am okay with that. I’m a human being. Other question here, Matt, is how does this correlate to the quantum worldview I’m talking about? Well, here’s a moment. I’ve never been asked a question about how this relates to self-esteem. So I’m embracing uncertainty, because I don’t at first know my answer. 

But here is a thought that comes up for me. The quantum worldview is a matter of perception. It is a subjectively created reality, that is my thoughts and feelings that are the paintbrush on the canvas of my life. So if I’m to develop authentic self-esteem, I need to focus on my perceptions, on my thoughts and my feelings and understand how they script my life. Instead of simply focusing on what I think you think of me, which is other esteem. 

So now that I’m immersed in responding to your question, I say it is the quantum subjective reality of perception, and the perception here needs to focus on my perception of me rather than my concerns about what I think you think of me that would delivery authentic self-esteem. Just like embracing uncertainty, we need to embrace transparent vulnerability. 

[00:45:07] MB: Coming back to kind of the core theme that we’ve been talking about today, this whole idea that the fundamental principles of the hard sciences of quantum physics, these ideas of possibility, uncertainty and interconnectedness and how everything kind of is one have profound applications for the way that we live our lives, deal with stress and anxiety and connect with other people. I think it’s really important conclusion that this is not something that it sounds very kind of woo-woo and spiritual, but it really is an implication of a deep, hard physical science. 

[00:45:43] MS: This hard science is the underpinning for all of the day-to-day practical aspects of our lives. Anywhere from your co-relationship which require compassion and empathy, which means that they require connectivity. Losing some of our individuality and opening to the needs and feelings of the other and learning to language it in that way. As I said before, speaking without the two b verbs is a quantum language, so participatory language and it invites generative discussion in our emotional well-being. 

In psychological well-being, it is absolutely required that we not think of ourselves again as being hardwired or having screws loose. We are not machines that the basis what it means to be human. Think about it this way. Which worldview would benefit us as human beings? Newton’s machine like universe comprise of things, separate and disconnected and inert without any meaning and purpose, hold and [inaudible 00:46:50] a machine. 

The quantum worldview or the thoroughly interconnected, unfolding tapestry of reality making process, which everything participates with everything else, and you are an integral part of that participation. Which worldview invites you to thrive in your life? There is it. 

You see, the way we pictures reality is the way we experience reality. This is not a theoretical supposition about science or philosophy. It’s the filter through which we see life. Nothing could be more important. 

[00:47:27] MB: Mel, for listeners to concretely apply some of the themes and ideas that we’ve talked about today, what would be kind of one action item or a piece of homework that you would give them as kind of a concrete step towards implementing some of these ideas? 

[00:47:41] MS: In the course of your day, try to capture the themes of your thoughts and ask yourself what are they telling you. As I expressed before, are they your ally? Are they your worst critique? Also, ask yourself some large questions, which is, “How do I view life? Do I think it’s a dog –” God help the dogs, “competitive reality?” Also, perhaps the most important question you can ask yourself about anything is when you look at your core beliefs. Ask yourself, “How did I come to this belief? What informs my belief?” 

I think, arguably, at this moment in my life, my belief is that’s the most important question we can ask ourselves, because when we ask, “How did I come to this belief?” very often, we see the belief really extends on very tenuous ground and it should require some reexamination.  

[00:48:30] MB: For listeners who want to dig in and learn more, where can people find you, your book and your work online? 

[00:48:36] MS: My website is my name, melschwartz.com. That’s M-E-L S-C-H-W-A-R-T-Z, melschwartz.com. I have hundreds of articles I’ve written, videos, TEDx talks. Everything you’d like to know about my work you can find at my website. 

[00:48:55] MB: Well, Mel, thank you so much for coming on the show. We’ll throw all of those in the show notes as well so listeners could go right there and find everything. But a fascinating conversation. I love the integration of quantum physics into our worldview and then profound applications from that. So thank you so much for coming on here and sharing all of these knowledge.

[00:49:13] MS: Thanks, Matt. Your show and the questions you asked are of a higher level, and I certainly appreciate that. 

[00:49:19] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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August 23, 2018 /Lace Gilger
Mind Expansion, Emotional Intelligence
emily esfahani smith-01.png

Stop Chasing Happiness and Do This Instead with Emily Esfahani Smith

August 02, 2018 by Lace Gilger in Emotional Intelligence

In this episode we discuss happiness. Can the pursuit of happiness backfire? Why are people more depressed an anxious than ever in a time when the world is physically safer and healthier than ever before in history? We look at the crisis of meaning in our society and examine how we can cultivate real meaning in our lives, beyond ourselves, and move towards an existence of purpose with our guest Emily Esfahani Smith. 

Emily Esfahani Smith is a journalist, positive psychology instructor, and author. She is a graduate of Dartmouth College and earned a master of applied positive psychology from the University of Pennsylvania. Her articles have been read over 30 million times, her TED talk has over 1.3 million views and her work has appeared in the Wall Street Journal, New York Times, TIME, the TED stage, and more.

  • Should we be pursuing happiness?

  • There’s more to life than being happy

  • When we pursue happiness - it’s very self-oriented

  • 2 reasons why the “pursuit of happiness can backfire"

  • It’s not possible to be happy all the time - and it’s a fool's errand to try and pursue happiness all the time - it’s not a realistic expectation for your life

    1. Happiness is very “self-focused” - how is this affecting ME - its a very selfish perception 

  • People are healthier, safer, more comfortable than any time in history - and yet anxiety and depression are increasing, suicide rates are increasing - why is this happening?

  • Our society is in a crisis of meaning. 

  • What’s the difference between meaning and happiness?

  • What will get you out of a rut is not by focusing on trying to be happy - but by trying to engage in something meaningful 

  • One of the best cures for depression is volunteering in your community - getting outside of your self

  • We often use the terms "meaning and happiness" interchangeably and yet they are very different 

  • Happiness is a transient and fleeting emotional state

  • Meaning is about connecting and contributing to something beyond yourself - being connecting to your family, to god, to nature, to the universe, etc 

  • Some of the essential characteristics of people with meaning in their lives

  • Your life has worth and significance

    1. Your life has a sense of purpose

    2. Your life is coherent

  • The self is a very poor site for meaning

  • You have to connect to something beyond yourself

  • When you tune in to someone else - there is such a powerful and meaningful bond that is formed - when you’re actually present, listening, and there for them. 

  • You don’t have to wait until you find your “Capital M” “Meaning” - meaning can happen and be a part of every day small instances in your life and be present

  • How can we find meaning beyond ourselves in a world where most of our major social institutions have eroded away to a large degree (patriotism, religion, family, etc)?

  • In the modern era - the challenge of being alive is the challenge of trying to find meaning on your own

  • The Four Pillars of Meaning

  • Belonging - being in communities and relationships where you feel valued for who you are intrinsically

    1. Purpose - using your strengths to serve other people. Having something worthwhile to do with your time. Making a contribution to the world. 

    2. Children who do chores around the house have a higher sense of meaning

    3. Transcendence - when your sense of self-starts to turn down or turn off completely. Stepping beyond yourself.

    4. Storytelling - the story that you tell yourself about yourself

  • How do we create belonging in your life?

  • Forming intimate relationships with others

    1. Belonging is a choice that we make - and we can choose to cultivate in any given moment

    2. You can also take the initiative to create these new types of communities within your own life and community

  • How do we change the stories that we tell ourselves about ourselves?

  • The first thing is to recognize that we are constantly telling ourselves stories about ourselves

  • A “contamination” story and how that can change your self-perception and create negative results in your life?

  • Something happened in my life, then there was a negative result, not I’m “contaminated"

  • A “redemptive” story - a story that moves from bad things happening to good things happening

  • Something bad happened in my life, and that has made me grow, made me stronger 

  • If you’re telling a negative story, how do you start telling a better story?

  • Narrative writing, journaling 

  • Is leading a meaningful life just about accomplishment and achieving results?

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Show Notes, Links, & Research

  • [Book] The Power of Meaning: Finding Fulfillment in a World Obsessed with Happiness by Emily Esfahani Smith

  • [Article] There's More to Life Than Being Happy by Emily Esfahani Smith

  • [Book] Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life by Martin E. P. Seligman

  • [Twitter] Emily Esfahani Smith

  • [Personal Site] Emily Esfahani Smith

Episode Transcript


[00:00:19.4] ANNOUNCER: Welcome to The Science of Success. Introducing your host, Matt Bodnar.

[0:00:11.8] MB: Welcome to the Science of Success; the number one evidence-based growth podcast on the internet with more than two million downloads, listeners in over a hundred countries and part of the self-help for smart people podcast network.

In this episode, we discuss happiness. Can the pursuit of happiness backfire? Why are people more depressed and more anxious than ever in a time where the world is physically safer and healthier than it’s ever been in history.

We look at the crisis of meaning in our society and examine how we can cultivate real meaning in our lives beyond ourselves, and move towards an existence of purpose with our guest Emily Esfahani Smith.

Do you need more time? Time for work, time for thinking and reading, time for the people in your life, time to accomplish your goals? This was the number one problem our listeners outlined, and we created a new video guide that you can get completely for free when you sign-up and join our e-mail list. It’s called How You can Create Time of the Things That Really Matter in Life.

You can get it completely for free when you sign up and join the e-mail list at successpodcast.com. You’re also going to get exclusive content that’s only available to our e-mail subscribers. We recently pre-released an episode and an interview to our e-mail subscribers a week before it went live to our broader audience, and that had tremendous implications because there was a limited offer in there with only 50 available spots that got eaten up by the people who were on the e-mail list first.

With that same interview, we also offered an exclusive opportunity for people on our e-mail list to engage one-on-one for over an hour with one of our guest in a live exclusive interview just for e-mail subscribers. There’s some amazing stuff that’s available only to e-mail subscribers that’s only going on if you subscribe and sign-up to the e-mail list. You can do that by going to successpodcast.com and signing up right on the homepage. Or if you’re driving around right now, if you’re out and about and you’re on the go, you don’t have time, just text the word “smarter” to the number 44-222. That’s S-M-A-R-T-E-R to the number 44-222.
In our previous episode, we discussed how the impossible becomes possible We looked at how to create paradigm shifting breakthroughs, dug into the science and research at the frontier of peak human performance to understand what’s at the core of nearly every gold medal or world championship, the powerful concept of flow.

We examined how to create flow in our lives, how you can use it as a tool to become 400% more creative, to learn skills 200% faster and much more. We dug into all of that with our previous guest, Steven Kotler.

Now for our interview with Emily.

[0:02:56.6] MB: Today, we have another exciting guest on the show, Emily Esfahani Smith. Emily is a journalist, positive psychology instructor and author. She’s a graduate of Dartmouth College and earned her masters of applied positive psychology from the University of Pennsylvania. Her articles have been read over 30 million times. Her TED Talk has been viewed over 1.3 million times and her work has appeared in the Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, Time and much more.

Emily, welcome to the Science of Success.

[0:03:21.6] ES: Thanks for having me.

[0:03:22.9] MB: Well, we’re really excited to have you on the show today and really pumped to dig into some of the things you talk about. Let’s start off with something that I think a lot of people almost assume as a given and don’t even really question or drill back down and think about is should we be pursuing happiness?

[0:03:40.7] ES: This is the question that motivated me to write my book The Power of Meaning. Actually, my book grew out of an article that I wrote for the Atlantic that was called There is More to Life than Being Happy. I was in graduate school in positive psychology at the time, which is this field that integrate, studies the good life, meaning, happiness, things like that.

As I was learning that research working as a journalist and began to get really concerned and bothered by this message that we received constantly in our culture that a good life is a happy life and that we should pursue happiness and that the whole – they struck as me as odd, was because I knew so many people in my life and as many people growing up who weren’t focused on that pursuit. They were engaged in really stressful activities, like their work, raising children, dealing with illnesses, helping in their communities, and they were stressed out, they would get frustrated. They weren’t focused on their own happiness and they weren’t even happy much of the time. Yet to me, there seem to be a real value and significance in what they were doing.

Then coming upon the research, it confirmed my intuition, which was that there is this whole new body of work that shows that when we pursue happiness and prioritize it the way our culture encourages us to do. It’s this very self-oriented pursuit and that it can make us actually unhappy and feel lonely.

In contrast, when we look to another way of living our lives, one that’s focused on the pursuit of meaningfulness, or on doing things and contributing in ways that lie outside of yourself that this is a much more a fulfilling path and leads to a deeper sense of satisfaction.

[0:05:37.9] MB: I want to explore that idea a little bit more, this notion that the pursuit of happiness can somehow make us happy – or sorry, the pursuit of happiness can make us unhappy, or potentially anxious?

[0:05:48.9] ES: Okay. I think it’s an interesting finding, because there’s so much out there about 10 steps to happiness, all these books that you can buy to make yourself happier. I think that there are two reasons at least why the pursuit of happiness can backfire. I think the first one is that we have really high expectations of what a happy life should be. This really interestingly have my historical perspective are concept of happiness has changed over the course of western civilization, but especially over the last 200 years, where happiness used to mean a state of leading a meaningful life. Happiness was in a positive emotion, the way that we think of it today.

Then about 2, 300 years ago, the definition started changing to mean, feeling maximizing positive feelings and minimizing negative feelings. If that’s the definition of happiness and you’re expecting to be in that state all the time, you’re going to be disappointed, because feelings and emotions come and go. It’s not possible to be happy all the time. The very definition of an emotion is that it’s a fleeting state. I think we have this unfair expectation for what a happy life look like that’s just not realistic.

I think the other thing is that when you set your sights on the pursuit of happiness, it can put you in this mindset that very much focuses you on yourself, because you’re constantly evaluating am I happy? Is this making me happy? How is this affecting me? That mindset takes you away from pursuing things that are actually deep and meaningful, because those deep and meaningful things won’t necessarily make you happy. We know from the research that it’s when you pursue the meaningful objectives and projects and relationships that you end up with a deeper sense of happiness down the road.

It’s the very – this mindset that focuses on happiness takes you away from what’s really important. When you’re taken away from what’s really important, you’re depriving yourself of this deeper sense of happiness that you may want.

[0:07:52.8] MB: I think it’s really interesting that the data supports this idea that in many sense,  people are physically the safest they’ve ever been, objectively living – at the highest end living that they’ve ever been living at. Yet, suicide rates are rising in many cases. People are less happy, despite being physically more comfortable and healthier, etc.

[0:08:13.2] ES: Exactly. When I came across that bit of research, it really surprised me. Basically, human beings Steven Pinker is this social psychologist who writes a lot about this, that nearly every conceivable measure if you look across the span of history, life has been getting better for human beings. You’re much less likely to die from a violent death than you were at any point in human history.

Every year, millions of people are being lifted out of poverty, quality of life has never been better for people. Less people die of sickness and illness than they ever have before. It’s a really good time to be alive.

Yet at the same time, there is this crisis of meaning that a lot of people are dealing with, and that’s reflective in these rising suicide rates, rising rates of depression, anxiety and loneliness. What’s really interesting is that when social scientists try to figure out what’s driving these rising tide of despair, this increase in suicide and depression and what have you, they find that it’s not a lack of happiness in life, but a lack of meaning.

I want to just say something more about this point, because I think it’s a little bit counter-intuitive. I think when we look at somebody who’s feeling depressed, or suicidal, or anxious or whatever. Or when we feel those ways ourselves, we think, okay, I feel that the solution is to feel better. That means, making myself go happier.

In fact, that’s not going to get you out of the rut. What’s going to get you out of the rut is engaging in some meaningful project, because that’s the way you get outside of your own head, outside of these voices that are telling you how bad you are, how terrible life is and reengaging with the world, coming outside of yourself and realizing, “Well, actually I do have a role to play. I am needed. The things I do matter.”

I had a professor of psychology in grad school who was also a clinical psychologist. In other words, he saw patients in addition to performing research. He said something that really stuck with me, which is that one of the best cures for depression is going out and volunteering in your community, because it gets you outside of your head and makes you feel like you’re making a difference.

[0:10:26.3] MB: This distinction between meaning and happiness, I think a lot of people might conflate those things, or even think that they’re the same thing. Tell me about what distinguishes meaning from happiness and how are they different?

[0:10:37.6] ES: It’s such a good question. When I first came upon this body of work distinguishing, meaning in happiness, I think it was a lightbulb moment for me, because like many, I thought – I use those terms interchangeable. Yet, I felt this dissatisfaction with the way our culture was talking about what a good life is about. It occurred to me that once I was able to pull these terms apart and understand them as separate ways to live a good life that that dissatisfaction went away. It was clarifying.

Happiness as I alluded to earlier, it’s a positive mental and emotional state. If you feel good, you’re happy. If you feel bad, you’re unhappy. It’s transient. It comes and goes. It lives in the moment. Meaning though is bigger. Psychologists say that the defining feature of leading a meaningful life is connecting and contributing to something beyond yourself. For some people that might mean, raising their children, or being involved in a family unit.

For others, it might mean contributing to their communities, whether it’s a church community, a religious community of any kind, their work community, or it could be more cosmic than that, like feeling connected to God, or nature, or the universe. That’s a defining feature of meaningful life. When people say their lives are meaningful in surveys and things like that, they list them as meaningful, because three conditions have been satisfied.

One is they believe their lives have a sense of worth and significance. You think your life matters. The second is their lives are driven by a sense of purpose. There’s some goal, or principle that is motivating them and driving them into the future. Finally they think of their lives as coherent. That means that when they look across their life, their own lives and also when they look at the world in general, they don’t see their experiences and the world around them as random occurrences, as disconnected, as nonsensical, but they see what’s happening around them as part of a larger whole that makes sense and that helps them understand why they are the way they are, and why the world is the way it is.

[0:12:56.0] MB: Obviously, your work ed has been – Martin Seligman’s research has been foundational to much of the work that you’ve done. When I read the book Learn Happiness, or Learn Optimism for the first time, one of the most standout lines for me was this phrase that’s almost like a throwaway phrase. It’s towards at the end of the book, but he says that the self is a very poor sight for meaning.

I think that really underscores what you’ve unearthed as well, this idea that in today’s society, everybody’s so caught up in their own pursuit of me, me, me and happiness and self-focus, when in reality happiness, or not happiness but me they see, I may even be contemplating them now, meaning really derives from something much richer and something beyond you. It’s something contributing or serving something beyond yourself.

[0:13:42.2] ES: Exactly. No, I love that sentence from Marty’s book that the self is a pursuit for meaning. It’s exactly right. You have to connect to something beyond yourself. That could be just an encounter with another person. I think for me, it’s a constant lesson that I have to relearn and it seems every single day that when I tune in to somebody else, whether it’s a stranger I’m getting to know for the first time, or I’m having a conversation with my husband or my friend, that there is such a powerful bond and meaningful bond that is formed when both people are present and listening to each other and truly there for one another. It fills you up and gives you that sense of fulfillment.

I think one of the things about meaning is that we think it’s this huge thing that you have to find or tackle and at meaning. When you think of it in terms about Marty is saying, it lies outside yourself, you find that there are lots of ways that you can search for meaning and find it in your day-to-day life.

[0:14:43.5] MB: That’s a really, really key point and something that I think personally I’ve definitely gotten tripped up on, and I think it’s easy for people to get tripped up on is this idea that you have to find – as you call that capital and meaning, you have to spend days, weeks, years trying to figure out what’s the purpose of my life when in reality, in many cases it’s the small moments that really help build towards that.

[0:15:05.1] ES: Exactly. I was talking to someone the other day who grew up a foodist. He’s a serial entrepreneur now, but he had this foodist way of looking at things. We were talking about meaning and he said something that I thought was really powerful, which is that living a meaningful life is about doing whatever you’re doing in the present moment well.

Being a parent, doing that well, washing the dishes, doing it well, this podcast, doing it well. There’s something about just this active mastery that takes us outside of ourselves and that gives us a sense of pride and fulfillment.

[0:15:41.5] MB: In today’s society, a lot of our major social institutions and things that people use to ascribe to and derive meaning from beyond themselves, things like even the nation, the country, patriotism used to be such a bigger thing. Religion is obviously is eroded tremendously, so that the family unit has eroded. How do we think about cultivating, creating meaning in a society, in a world where all of those previous pillars of meaning have eroded and people are in many ways adrift now?

[0:16:11.9] ES: That is the problem of being a person in the modern world. It’s essential existential problem. There were all these sources. Meaning, that we’re defaults sources of meaning. You didn’t have to – it’s not like you were choosing to be for most people anyways, choosing to be – to ascribe to certain religious dogmas, or choosing to identify with your nation that was just part of the water, the air that you were breathing and it conferred meaning in life.

You see that when you go to countries that are not yet developed. Third-world countries, where they haven’t experienced modernity yet, they still are very much living in that world. They get so much meaning from religion and their communities and their tribes, or their sense of nation. In those countries too, you find that there is lower suicide rates and all these other markers of a crisis of meaning don’t exist there as they do in the modern world, excuse me, in developed countries.

The question is what do we do about that? I think that one answer is clear. We don’t want to go back to a time where the material circumstances of our lives are worse, but we have more meaning in our lives. We want countries like Sierra Leone where there is this high sense of meaning, but it’s so poor we want them to enter into the modern world, so they can have a higher quality of life. Then if you don’t want to move backwards, how do you move forward?

I think that the existential philosophers, like Niche, like Sartre, they talk about this that in the modern world, the challenge of being alive is the challenge of choosing to find meaning on your own. There’s a million paths ahead of you. It can be overwhelming, there’s no default path to meaning anymore, so you have to choose. That can feel overwhelming, but it’s a responsibility that we each have to take.

One of the things that motivated me to write my book was trying to understand, okay, if you are at that fork in the road, when you’re trying to figure out which path do you take to lead a meaningful life, are there certain things, certain pillars let’s say that you can lean on that will help you find meaning in your life? There were. In my research, I interviewed a bunch of people, read thousands really of pages of research, psychology, philosophy, literature, you name it, and I started noticing that there were these four themes that came up again and again in the stories people told me and in the research that I was reading.

They are what I think of as the wellsprings of meaning. Whatever path you choose, these four things, a combination of them, or maybe all four of them are what bring meaning to our lives. The first one is belonging. Having a sense of belonging, being in communities and relationships where you feel valued for who you are intrinsically and where you value other people in turn. 

The second one is something I mentioned briefly earlier, and it’s purpose. Purpose is about making – having something worthwhile to do with your time. What that often means is having some pursuit or project that involves making a contribution to the world. Maybe your purpose is to find a cure for cancer. A lot of people have more local purposes, more humble purposes that are equally powerful for them, like raising their children, being a good person.

There is a study that shows that kids who do chores around the house have a stronger sense of purpose. It’s a wonderful example of what that guy I said what was telling about, that meaning comes from doing something in the moment and doing it well. Well, for the chores, I think what was going on is that the kids felt like they were a part of a larger project, which was helping with it, maintaining of a household, helping their parents out. It was this thing that made them useful and valued.

The third pillar is transcendence. These are those moments when your sense of self starts to turn down or turn off completely, and you feel connected to something much bigger than yourself, whether it’s nature, the universe, humanity as a whole, God, people had these experiences during meditation, listening to music, going to an art museum and having an encounter with beauty. There are a lot of different ways to experience transcendence.

Then the final one is storytelling. Storytelling goes back to what I was saying about coherence earlier. When I’m talking about storytelling, what I’m really talking about is the story that you tell yourself about yourself, about how you became the person that you are today. I think that’s a framework that I present in my book, that if you want to live a meaningful life, try to cultivate these pillars of belonging, purpose, transcendence and storytelling. That will set you on your way.

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[0:23:26.6] MB: Let’s dig in a little bit more, maybe starting with belonging. How can we better cultivate or find that belonging, coming back to this idea we talked about before in a world where oftentimes it feels like there’s traditional ways that people used to find it have eroded or evaporated.
[0:23:45.3] ES: For me, there are few ways I go about this in my own life. The one is what I was talking about earlier, which is just forming these micro-connections with other people. I think it’s so easy to go through life, basically objectifying others. I don’t mean that even in a sexual sense. They usually use that term objectifying in a sexual sense. What I mean is just the other person is just an object in your periphery and you don’t really see them for who they are and the fact that they have a whole story, a whole history that if you just knew a little bit about it, would bring you two closer together.

I was at a conference this weekend where there were a bunch of people I didn’t know. I’m someone who’s introverted that’s always a little bit intimidating of the situation. This goes back to what I said earlier about this lesson that I had to learn over and over again; as soon as you start talking to people on a deep level expressing interest in them, forming this micro-connection, they open up and then you open up, and then they’re just fond of belonging that form between you that can be really powerful. Maybe you don’t see them again, but for the rest of your life, maybe stay in touch, who knows? Maybe they become the person that you end up marrying.

In that moment, that bond of belonging forms and it’s powerful. Recognizing that belonging is a choice that we make and it lives in the moment and that we can choose to cultivate it with another person just by the presence that we bring to a conversation.

The second thing is yes, a lot of the old communities are dying. There are ways to form new ones. I would encourage people to take the leadership, to take the initiative, to do this in your own life, whether it’s work or just in your own community. I’ll give an example, so I’m involved with this project called the Ben Franklin Circles. These are basically small groups of people that meet all around the country to talk about values and character and what it means to lead a good life.

Franklin, our founding father of course had these 13 virtues that he thought were critical ingredients to leading a meaningful life. The virtues include things like humility and industriousness and frugality. Some of them are super old-fashion, like chastity. The idea is that each meeting we get together and we talk about one of these ideas, one of these virtues and whether it’s still relevant in modern life and how it’s still relevant in modern life.

I run one of these circles here in Washington DC and we meet about once a month, once every two months. What was really powerful to me as I started doing this is how quickly a community forms and how quickly people were willing to make themselves intimate and vulnerable to each other. I mean, these were strangers beforehand and almost immediately we were able to form a community, and the reason I think is because we were gathering together to talk about this common interest that we have in what it means to live a good life. Two, to talk about things that really matter to us, like values and virtues and character.

To do at Washington DC is specially powerful, because right now there is so much in our country and in this city in particular that’s tearing people apart. Doing this group was a reminder that whatever our political differences are, whatever our religious differences are, no matter where we’re from in the country, there is a common set of values that we share, and if we come together around those values, we can really cultivate belonging.

[0:27:23.4] MB: I love that example and it’s such a great way to take responsibility for proactively creating that belonging within your own life. I love to dig into this concept of storytelling as well. That seems really, really interesting to me. How can we go about changing the stories that we tell ourselves about ourselves?

[0:27:44.2] ES: I think the thing to – the first thing we have to remember with storytelling that helps us in that process of changing the story is recognizing that we’re telling a story. I think that we don’t always realize that we are creating this constant narrative in our heads about who we are, about why this or that and that happened to us, why this person said that to us, how our childhood affected us, it’s all these little stories that we tell about just daily occurrences, and then also the broader story of our narrative art that we’re telling.

We don’t always realize that we’re telling a story. We think that, “Oh, this happened and this happened, then this happened and all of a sudden, here I am.” Really, what making narrative and interpretative choices about what details we include in the story and which ones we don’t include, because it would be impossible to include every single detail in that narrative.

It may be that as we’re making these narrative choices, we end up telling a story that hold us back, rather than moves us forward. Let me give you an example. There is a few different types of stories that psychologists find that people tell about themselves. One of them is called a contamination story, so a story that moves from good things happening to bad things happening.

In the research, there was I remember one example coming up of a woman who met this man. They were going to have the baby together. It’s really, really wonderful. Then he died unexpectedly and that was the story that she told. It was really good, then it went to really bad. People tell stories like that, in turns out are more anxious and depressed and believe their lives are less meaningful.

That’s a story that would perhaps hold you back, because you’re in this negative mindset, you dwell on it, you illuminate, you’re not able to move into the future in a healthy way. That have been the story, the opposite from a contamination story is a redemptive story. It’s a story that moves from bad things happening to good things happening. Let’s take that same example. Let’s say that you have the same woman and she says, “I met this man. It was wonderful. We had a child together and he died and it was terrible. It was traumatizing. He was the love of my life. I didn’t have many more and then my child no longer had a father. I felt like I didn’t know what I was going to do.”

“Then as time went on, I realized that this experience as difficult as it was, made me grow in so many ways. It deepened my spiritual life, it made me realize what my true purpose was, because he died of cancer and I started doing activism work in cancer centers and groups. It was horrible, but given that it happened, it made me grow in all these ways.”

That would be redemptive story. They’re just terrible thing that happened, but she finds a silver lining in it that makes the suffering seem worthwhile in some way, even though all things be equal she still wouldn’t have wanted her husband to have died. People who tell stories like that redemptive stories, they rate their lives as more meaningful. There are these types of stories that we can tell that are more conducive to leading whole meaningful lives. A redemptive story is one of them, there are other kinds of stories as well; stories that are defined by love as the theme, stories of agency. In other words, stories where you’re in control in making things happen and where you feel like your life matters, and stories of growth, which is like the one I just said. The themes overlap as well.

The question then is okay, for telling a bad story, how do you start telling one that’s better? There are a lot of different ways that you can do this. I mean, some people go to a therapist, they seek out professional health and that’s really helpful to them. I think that you don’t necessarily have to do that. You can reflect on your story and do the work on your own too. If you’re willing to be introspective, put the time and effort into it.

There’s a really rich body of research around narrative writing, so sitting down and writing about your most difficult experiences for 15 minutes a day, for three to four days in a row. It turns out that people who do that end up finding more meaning and what happened to them, as those three or four days go on and they end up finding some positive meaning specifically, some silver lining.

If they start by telling a contamination story, they end by telling a redemptive story. This isn’t for everyone of course, but it’s for statistically amount of people. What does that tell? I think it tells us that writing, journaling, reflecting on your experiences in a deep and sustained way is one way to change your story.

I just too as a final point for this, that it’s not going to happen overnight. These Sundays, it was 15 minutes three to four days in a row. I think for a lot of people, it’s going to be a process, especially when it comes to more difficult experiences, a process that can take years to work through.

[0:32:35.7] MB: I think it’s fascinating that you can look at two completely opposite perspective on the same event and you can tell yourself these almost polar opposite stories and the story that you tell yourself about it has a substantial impact on your emotional state, your reaction and your behavior, even in many cases can be years down the road.

[0:32:56.2] ES: Exactly, exactly. I mean, it affects your health. Those studies that I talked about where they’re writing for three to four days, one of the major findings is that the people who did that were healthier later on. They were less likely to be sick. They measured their blood. Their immune system was in a better shape. The fact is pretty profound.

[0:33:15.8] MB: Changing gears a little bit, I want to look at the current culture that we have around ambition and success and reconcile the pursuit of those kinds of things with the pursuit of meaning. In your mind though, are those things conflicting, or could they have healthy relationship with one another?

[0:33:36.0] ES: Yeah, it’s a really interesting question. It’s something that I’ve been thinking about a lot recently. I think there is this sense in our culture that among a certain group of people who are maybe what we would call part of the elite, that you have to accomplish, you have to be successful that living a meaningful life is about achieving credentials, like going to a good school, getting a certain type of job, buying a house, etc., etc., etc., getting that promotion, making it to the C-suite, on and on it goes.

You constantly looking up the ladder, not realizing that there’s – there are people ahead of you having this competitive mindset and trying to get ahead. I think that that can be a really damaging way to think about how to lead your life. I mean, it’s the reason why I think people are experiencing so much burnout. I think it’s a big part of why there is so much spiritual emptiness among people as well. It’s part of why we have the meaning prices is because we define our worth and our sense of significance in terms of our career success.

The problem with that is that when we’re not successful and not all of us will be, we’re not going to all accomplish our dreams and become the people we hope we will become in terms of our careers, there is this real reckoning that happens. We were forced to conclude that, “Oh, maybe my life isn’t worthwhile, because I didn’t do all these things. Now my friends are doing them and I’m not doing them.”

I think there’s a real problem there, and I think that the solution to it is redefining success more in terms of leading a meaningful life. A psychologist on the 20th century who I think is helpful here, his name is Ericson. Ericson thought of life as a series of developmental stages. As you go through life, your job is to master certain developmental tasks. When you’re young for example, you’re learning how to trust other people and trust the world around you. As you become a teenager, you’re trying to figure out who you are and what your purpose is. As you become a middle-age adult, the task is to become generative. This word he coins called generativity.

What it means is that you’re making a contribution to your society. If in the first half of life you’re thinking about how you can – what you are, who you are and what your purpose is, and the second half of life you’re thinking about how to help other people rise up, how to mentor them, how to raise children, how to be a community leader. For him, that is the definition of success and living a meaningful life.

I think that if you’re caught in this mindset of I need to succeed, I need to accomplish, I need to climb that ladder and it’s unfulfilling to you, maybe or if you’re caught in that mindset and you didn’t succeed and if you feel like a failure in some regard, maybe reframing what success is about would be helpful and reframing it in terms of not winning all the time, but of being a person who contributes to others and who helps other people move along in their path.

[0:36:53.3] MB: I think that’s a great definition. It’s funny. I mean, I think in many ways our show title, the Science of Success can be misleading at times, because it’s not just about the traditional trapping of success. It’s really much more about when we talk about success, it’s that definition that you’re talking about. It’s living a meaningful life, it’s doing what you want to do in your life. It’s not necessarily just the acquisition of fame or money or reputation or whatever.

For listeners who want to concretely implement some of the ideas and things that we’ve talked about today, what would be one piece of homework or one action item that you would give them as an action step to implement some of the ideas that we’ve discussed?

[0:37:30.6] ES: I talked about writing earlier and journaling. I think it gets a bad rep, especially today when there is like gratitude journal, your best self-journal that can seem a little hokie. I think there’s something to be said about having a Google Doc on your computer, or having a pad of paper, where you can sit down and write about the things that you’re trying to process, whether that’s your definition of success, some experience of failure that you had that was really painful, a moment of adversity that you’re trying to overcome.

Just sitting and writing about it and reflecting on it in a deep and sustained way for maybe 20 minutes a week, I think that that’s really powerful way to build meaning and to develop wisdom as well, which is a really critical component of living a meaningful life.

[0:38:19.8] MB: For listeners who want to find you and your work online, what’s the best place for them to find you?

[0:38:25.2] ES: I’m on Twitter. My handle is @MEsfahaniSmith. I also have a website emilyesfahanismith.com. You can  also find my author page on Facebook.

[0:38:37.2] MB: Well Emily, thank you so much for coming on the show, sharing all these wisdom. I think a really important conversation around how we can misconceived of happiness and how we can really focus more around creating meaning in our lives.

[0:38:49.4] ES: Thank you for having me.

[0:38:50.7] MB: Thank you so much for listening to the Science of Success. We created this show to help you our listeners master evidence-based growth. I love hearing from listeners. If you want to reach out, share your story, or just say hi, shoot me an e-mail. My e-mail is matt@successpodcast.com. That’s M-A-T-T@successpodcast.com. I’d love to hear from you and I read and respond to every single listener e-mail.

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August 02, 2018 /Lace Gilger
Emotional Intelligence
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