The Science of Success Podcast

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Five Things You Never Knew About Building Real Self Esteem with Dr. David Lieberman

Lace Gilger
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In this episode we discuss how to build self control and self esteem. We look at what happens when you lose control - and how to develop the strategies so that you can feel calm and collected in tough situations. We discuss the importance of having an “allegiance to reality,” share concrete strategies for building self esteem, discuss the relationship between pain and fulfillment - and discuss how you can never get angry again with our guest Dr. David Lieberman.

Dr. David Lieberman is a New York Times bestselling author and expert in the fields of human behavior and interpersonal relationships. His most recent work Never Get Angry Again dives into the science behind our emotions and how we can stay calm in any situation. His work has been featured on ABC, The Today Show, NPR, Entrepreneur and more.

  • Why do people get angry? What’s at the root of anger?

  • At the core of anger is a feeling of vulnerability

  • Anger is a sensation that we aren’t good enough, that we’re being rejected, that we’re powerless 

  • When we become angry the brain releases a number of neurotransmitters and hormones - and it gives us the illusion of feeling in control

  • The psychology at the foundation of anger

  • As our self esteem erodes, we like ourselves less, we get angrier

  • The degree that we don’t like ourselves, the more we need other people to validate us, engaging the ego

  • When someone is angry - it's about them, its not about you

  • The core of anger is fear and a fear of losing control

  •  Anger creates the illusion of control

  • People with low self esteem are often the most controlling people - because they need to be able to influence things around them, because they feel like they don’t have control of themselves

  • How do you gain self esteem? How do you gain a sense of worthiness?

  • Self control is at the CORE of self esteem. If you can control your own behavior, you begin to build self esteem.

  • How do you build self esteem?

  • Recognize that you’re in pain. Acknowledge and accept that. 

    1. Allegiance to reality at all costs. Don’t pretend that it doesn’t exist. 

    2. Self compassion, not self pity. Don’t beat yourself up more. 

    3. With self love, you begin to grow out of pain. 

    4. Reconnect with who you are. What are you living for?

  • Living being driven by the ego - causes pain and suffering

  • Slow simple progress, moving step by step out of darkness will begin to fuel self esteem 

  • The entire trajectory of our lives can be shaped by our ego

  • Focusing on achieving to win the praise and approval of other people

  • Questions to break through the ego and understand what really matters to you:

  • What would I do if I had all the money I needed?

    1. What would I do if I felt that I couldn't fail?

    2. What would I do if I was unconditionally loved?

  • Neurotics build castles in the sky, psychotics live in them, and psychiatrists charge rent

  • The more engaged in life you are, the more you’re living life, the happier you are. 

  • When you try to avoid stress, you become more and more neurotic. 

  • The beginning of mental health is when you face yourself. 

  • Ask yourself: Where have I been trying to ignore a reality?

  • By ignoring a problem, you end up compounding it and feeling worse and worse about yourself. 

  • The ability to face your pain, to face your obligations and responsibilities, will bring you the greatest degree of happiness. 

  • Seeking comfort and escaping pain increases suffering and moves you further from happiness and healthy relationship with reality and other people 

  • Where have I been inauthentic, where have I been hiding? What story have I been telling myself to keep me from acknowledging my responsibilities and obligations?

  • Transforming from anxious to depressed is accepting responsibility for what we can control. 

  • "Blame mode" conflicts with "solution mode". 

  • Ask: How can I have a greater degree of respect for myself? How can I invest in myself?

  • We live in culture that fosters the idea of not accepting responsibility and blaming other people

  • The way to gain self esteem is to ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY 

  • “The lottery curse” - what is it?

  • Money, intelligence, life experience have no bearing on happiness - just the QUALITY OF OUR CHOICES

  • The power of decision is the power to change your life.

  • Painful experiences ultimately help create meaning in our lives

  • Availability heuristics and self concept. Your self concept is based on how easily you can recall certain memories of you behaving in certain ways. 

  • A simple tool you can use to change your behavior and engineer your personality into certain traits

  • The opposite of pleasure is not pain, it’s comfort

  • Comfort is an escape from life. The more meaning something has, the more pleasure you can extract from it. 

  • There is nothing you can achieve that’s worthwhile, that doesn’t take hard work and pain. 

  • Engage life, live life. As you begin to move forward, you will be invigorated.

  • If you want to feel good, do good. Don’t set out to feel good. 

  • Is there a positive use for anger? Can it be a helpful tool or fuel?

  • You’re much better off being driven and pulled by the pleasure/joy/meaning of what you’re doing, rather than using ego driven anger is the fuel for what you’re doing

  • Anger clouds our ability to think clearly and exercise good judgment

  • How do we deal with anger in the moment?

  • Breathing is “indisputably effective” at dealing with anger in the moment

  • Tilting your neck sends a message to your brain that you are safe

  • Jill Bolte Taylor "90 Second Rule"

  • You can rewire your brain using the science of neuroplasticity

  • Homework: ask yourself - what is the underlying fear? how do I really feel? Why? Have an honest conversation with yourself

Thank you so much for listening!

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